


The Cetus Arc

by natsora



Series: Trials of Ryder [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Body Horror, Buried under rubble, CPR, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Intubation, Mechanical ventilation, Medical, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Mind Meld, Missing Limb, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Touching, PTSD, Pain, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Resuscitation, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Torture, Tracheal intubation, Whump, upper limb amputation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 08:28:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 78
Words: 328,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12165213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora
Summary: She is Sara Ryder - the Shield of Meridian, the human Pathfinder. She has earned her scars and her reputation.But strip her to her core, who is she? Who is Sara Ryder, not the Pathfinder, not the Shield of Meridian?The Cetus Arc is where you get to know her as a human, daughter and sister.This takes place 6 months after the events of the Archon Arc. You don't have to read one to enjoy the other.





	1. Family Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to the Archon Arc but I don't think you need to read one to enjoy the other.

With the Disciple in her hand, she Charged ahead. The Architect writhed and screeched as shot after shot impacted. “Go! Go! Go!” Ryder yelled, her hands moving automatically to reload her shotgun.

_Why the hell is there an Architect here?_

There was no time to consider the why, who or how, there was only the get the fuck out of here. The settlement was completely trashed with the sudden emergence of the Architect. The scientists and researchers scattered but there were still many hiding within the pre-fab buildings. “Liam!” Ryder shouted into her mic. “Clear this one, if there are any remaining people, get them clear of the site!”

“You got it, Ryder,” Liam said before taking off.

“Jaal, clear that one over there,” Ryder gestured at another building.

“Be careful, Ryder,” Jaal said before turning to his task.

Ryder eyed the Architect, it was still recovering from the blows they dealt it. There was just one other building that needed to be clear. Her legs pumped as she headed towards the last building nearest the Architect.

* * *

**5 days ago, 6 months after the events of the Archon Arc.**

Ryder stared at the console. _The Benefactor? Reapers? Galactic destruction?_ She ran her hand through her hair. _What am I supposed to do with this information? We’re 600 light years too late._ She frowned. “SAM, will you activate the last memory again?”

“Activating now, Ryder.”

Her world lurched to the side for a moment before righting itself. It was a strange experience to view the world through her father’s eyes the first couple of times but she was used to it by now. “Years ago, you mentioned salvation for a lot of people. You knew this was coming,” her father’s voice boomed in her ears.

_Reapers, can it really be true?_

“We are going to be all that’s left of civilisation,” the Benefactor said.

_I really don’t trust this faceless group, person, whatever._

“How’s Ellen?” Alec asked.

_Mom, she should have been dead by this time._

“She remains in stasis. As you hoped, it has suspended the progress of her disease,” SAM answered.

_Am I really hearing what I think I am hearing?_

“Make sure her pod is on the Hyperion. Don’t use her real name. I’ll tell the kids when the time is right.”

The memory faded and Ryder became aware of her surroundings once more. She took a deep breath to steady herself. “Ryder,” SAM called. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“You have reviewed this memory 5 times since you arrived in my node,” SAM pressed. “You never do that for any other memory. What’s different?”

“SAM,” Ryder said, pinching the bridge of her nose as a headache began to form at the base of her skull. “I don’t know if I should be hopeful that my mother is still alive, or be afraid that I am just hearing things I want to hear.”

Ryder sighed. “Did I hear it right? Mom is here on the Hyperion? She’s alive?”

“Yes, Ryder. She is here. She is a stasis pod under the name Elizabeth Reilly.”

_Fucking hell. Why didn’t he just tell us?_

“That’s why you were made Pathfinder to see this process through,” SAM continued.

Unshed tears stung her eyes as she choked back a sob. “Ryder, are you ok? Why are you crying?” SAM asked.

Ryder swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She laughed. “I was just getting emotional. It’s not every day someone comes back from the dead.”

_I got to tell Scott!_

* * *

Ryder sat with her head in her hands. The thumping music of Vortex was pounding her ears but her mind was swirling with the revelations. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Scott was due to meet her in 30 minutes and she couldn’t stand her thoughts chasing each other in her head. Ryder sighed. She used to keep a daily journal with a real dead tree journal and an old-timey fountain pen. The love of old analog equipment was something she picked up during her time deployed as the security detail for Prothean researchers. She knew she still had them stashed somewhere in Pa’s quarters. Not for the first time, she mused about getting back into the habit. By penning her thoughts down, Ryder had always been able to exorcise runway thoughts from her mind.

It has been 6 months since the grounding of the Hyperion and the victory at Meridian. She spent the first month mostly in physical therapy recovering from her 2 weeks coma. Then, 2 weeks following that with interviews with Keri T’Vessa and the HNS. By the end, Ryder was about to stage a jailbreak just to escape from the publicity tour. She had successfully pestered Tann to authorise her to actually do her job.

Scott on the other hand was loosely assigned to the Pathfinder team but actually spent most of his time bouncing around between the colonies, fixing things when he could, calling the Tempest or the other Pathfinder teams to help when he couldn’t. Technically, he worked directly for Addison and was her eyes and ears on the ground at the colonies. Ryder hadn’t seen him in the last month but he seemed happy with his assignment though he was kept very busy.

Her omni tool chimed, she tapped at it thinking it might be Scott letting her know that he was early. No suck luck, it was a news bulletin pushed to her omni tool from the HNS. It wasn’t the first time she had random notifications popping up, sometimes she regretted helping the Heleus News Service setting up all those receivers. It seemed she couldn’t escape these news bulletins now. Her finger tapped to open the story since she had time to kill anyway. Her eyes skimmed the report, then she frowned.

_23 hurt by rouge VI after hacking attack on Prodromos._

Ryder didn’t remember anything about this particular event. _Maybe Scott got someone else to check it out?_ It seemed like these hacking attacks are on the rise. Another chime broke through her thoughts. Ryder glanced back at her omni tool, it was Scott.

* * *

“What’s up, Sara?” Scott greeted. “Why are we meeting here?”

“Erm…” Ryder stood wringing her hands. “Don’t freak out, ok?”

“Why?” Scott asked. “Why would I freak out? Is this some horrible surprise you’ve planned?”

“Look,” Ryder said. “Just check out this pod.”

Scott flinched away from the pod Ryder indicated as if it was going to open and a mummy was going to stagger after him. “Why? Is there something in there?”

“Someone, not something,” Ryder corrected. “Just look, will you?”

Scott looked at the pod, then at Ryder suspiciously, He inched his way closer and peered through the clear window. There was a familiar face there. “Holy shit! That’s… that’s Ma!”

“No shit,” Ryder replied, deadpan.

After Scott calmed down, Ryder explained and showed him their father’s memories. She was surprised how accepting he was of all the information, she didn’t think she handled it as well as he did. _I guess Scott had always been closer to Pa._ “So what’s the plan,” Scott asked. “Are we getting Ma out of cryo now?”

“No,” Ryder shook her head. “We don’t have the cure for her disease. If we revive her now, we will just watch her die all over again.”

Scott nodded, his lips made a grim line on his face. “What about the man behind the curtain? Or the Repears?”

She shrugged. “What can I do?” she asked. “I guess I could keep an eye out for information about the Benefactor. Fuck if I know it’s a man, woman or a whole cabal of shadowy elcors.”

Laughter rang out in the vast cryo chamber where they stood. His amusement was infectious and it wasn’t long before the Ryder twins were hugging their sides at the mental image of elcors cloaked in shadow. “I guess you are right,” Scott said. “I know some scientists that I think I can nudge them to get started on some research that could help Ma.”

Wiping tears with the back of her hand, Ryder straightened and said, “Yeah, I’ll reach out to who I can as well.”

* * *

Ryder stretched, her spine popping as she arched her back, after she clicked the send button. The mails were out and on the way to relevant people. Now all she could do was wait. _It’s entirely out of my hands. I just hope we can get Ma out before we get to her age. It will just be too weird if we are all the same age._ It was at least two weeks since the revelation back on the Hyperion. The Ryder twins decided that they couldn’t do much if they kept the secret to themselves. At the same time they didn’t want to publicise that Alec Ryder was big on nepotism not just in terms of his kids but his wife as well. The decision was made to get the Tempest crew in on the secret. Ryder also thought Cora should know why Pathfinder authority was passed to her instead.

Her stomach growled. Ryder didn’t have to check the chronometer on her omni tool to know she had worked past dinner time again. She left her quarters and headed to the galley. She peered in and saw the galley empty but there was a covered dish on the table with her name on it. _Hmmm… Who is the kind soul who decided to feed me?_ She lifted the cover and pushed her nose just shy of burying it before taking a deep breath. Her mouth watered. One look at the handwriting she knew it was Jaal’s. _His Galactic Standard is improving._ She picked up the plate and heading off to the tech lab.

She found Jaal seated at his table with yet another Kett weapon disassembled in front of him. The components were all neatly placed in a grid pattern, where like was arranged with like. “Mind if I join you?” she asked.

Jaal smiled when she entered, familiar with her need to check in on him daily just as she had done with everyone on her crew. “You never need to ask that, darling one,” he replied.

Ryder perched on a stool and ate as she watched him experimented with different mods on the Kett weapon. “Hmmmm,” she hummed as she swallowed the last mouthful. “This is the best dinner I had in a while.”

Jaal stood and slide his arm around her waist. “That’s not a high bar if you were just sustaining on ration bars most of the time.”

Ryder sighed and leaned against his chest. “Now, if you could possibly cook every single meal for me, I’ll be the luckiest woman in the whole of Heleus.”

Jaal pulled the empty plate out of her hands and placed it on the table behind him. His hand returned to snake its way up under her untucked shirt. She smiled as it travelled up her chest, her hands were busy exploring his body as well. Then SAM’s voice came through the overhead speakers. “Ryder,” he said, sounded a little apologetic for interrupting. “Liam has requested you meet him in his room at your earliest convenience.”

Ryder sighed as she pulled her hands back reluctantly. “Rain check?”

Jaal sighed, his disappointment clear. “Count on it,” he growled.

She chuckled as she left his little domain. She enjoyed her little walks on the Tempest visiting each member of the crew. Chatting with them about their lives and experiences was all part of the point. The fight at Meridian had bonded them stronger than she ever thought possible. To think they were all strangers when they started after all.

* * *

Ryder was so sure Peebee would have requested to be withdrawn from the Pathfinder crew after Meridian. She remembered asking her about it. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Merdian should be your dream come true, isn’t it? All that Remnant tech and structure to explore and discover.”

Peebee pursed her lips and tapped her finger on her temple, making a big show of thinking about it. “Nah,” she said finally.

“Nah?”

“Yeah, nah. Ryder, you are the Pathfinder! If I want to be on the bleeding edge, I should be your shadow. You are constantly going to some place new, discovering obscure, out of the way Remnant tech,” Peebee explained. “Where can I find that? Plus you let me do what I need to. You don’t boss me around. Can you imagine me joining those Nexus researchers?”

Ryder tapped her finger on her temple in a clear attempt to mock Peebee’s show just a moment ago. Peebee scowled and gave Ryder a push. “That’s not nice,” she pouted.

Laughing, Ryder threw her arm around Peebee and hugged her. “Don’t ever change, Peebee.”

* * *

“What about you, Drack?” Ryder asked. “Are you heading off to New Tuchanka?”

Drack raised a brow at her. “Now why would I do that, kid?”

Ryder shrugged. “I just thought now that the Archon is dead, you would want to help the krogans at New Tuchanka.”

“Ha!” Drack snorted. “They don’t need me but you on the other hand do. You are barely weaned from your mother’s tits.”

“Come on, Drack. I did defeat the Archon you know. I’m not THAT bad.”

“I’ll admit you are not completely hopeless,” Drack laughed. “And you always bring me to such nice places.”

* * *

“So is it back to the smuggler’s life for you?” Ryder asked.

Vetra lifted her head to stare at Ryder. “Come on, Ryder. I’m not a smuggler. I’m a very good, excellent if I say so myself, requisition officer.”

“Oh? Requisition officer huh, is that what you called it?”

“That’s what it is,” Vetra said, flaring her mandibles in an expression Ryder could only classify as pride.

“I must admit you are very good at your job.”

“I’m the best of course. Which other ship allows me the freedom of travel? Or the access to people?”

“So the Tempest is just a nice convenience for you?” Ryder asked in mock outrage.

“Ryder, you wound me.” Vetra’s hand flew to her chest. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

* * *

“So…” Ryder said, dragging the word out, her shoulders tense.

“So?” Jaal repeated, his eyes wide in confusion. _Why is Sara acting like this?_

“So…” Ryder swallowed. “What are your plans now that the Archon threat is gone?”

“Oh. That.” Jaal replied, comprehension relaxing his feature. “Evfra had offered me an advancement in the Resistance and my own command.”

Ryder hummed non-committedly but her hands were pulled tight behind her back. “That’s great, Jaal. You deserved it.” she said, her voice tight. “I’m happy for you.”

“Hmmm, but you don’t sound very happy,” Jaal said, reaching out towards Ryder.

“When are you leaving the Tempest?” Ryder asked in a small voice. “We could drop you off at Aya or any of the angara worlds you want. Or actually anywhere you want, really."

He reached over to Ryder and pressed a finger over her mouth. “Shhh...,” Jaal said. “Sara, I'm not going anywhere.”

“What?” Ryder frowned. “I thought this is something you wanted? You told me how you weren't happy about your position in the Resistance. Now, Evfra is offering you the thing you always wanted - recognition and your own command. Why?”

“Because, darling one.” Jaal pulled her closer, “I found something else I want more.”

* * *

“I hear you have been going around offering some of the team an out from the Tempest," Liam said. “What's that about?”

Ryder looked up from the datapad she was reading. She pinched the bridge of her nose and blinked. “Hmmm? They were all not officially assigned to the Tempest by the Nexus leadership. Now that the Archon has been neutralised..."

"That's one way to put it," Gil interrupted.

Ryder rolled her eyes and continued without missing a beat. "They have a choice to stay or go. We recruited Peebee back on Eos because she was an expert on the Remnant. Vetra practically forced herself onto the Tempest. Jaal, well Evfra assigned him to us. Drack... well damn I don't even remember."

Ryder stared at the people assembled before her. She pointed at Liam, “You were originally already part of the Pathfinder team. There is no out for you unless you put in a request for transfer."

Liam shuffled a little on his feet. “Are you officially putting a transfer request?" Ryder asked without taking her finger away from Liam's chest.

“Ahhh..."

"I'll take that as a no."

Shifting her finger to Kallo, "You worked on the Tempest and you are the best damn pilot around. You are not going anywhere."

Kallo's eyes formed crescent moons at the praise Ryder heaped on him. He even smirked at Gil. She dropped her finger and shifted her gaze to Suvi. "You are our science officer. I'm useless if I find paths but don't know what the hell I'm looking at. I need you on board the Tempest."

"You can count on me, Ryder."

Ryder nodded in satisfaction. “And Gil, I need you around because you are the only one that keeps my baby here." She patted the bulk head just behind her. "Singing like she is supposed to."

Gil grinned and jerked his head at Kallo in retaliation. "So anyone of you are here against your will?"

The three of them shook their heads

"Don't want to be on the Tempest anymore?"

Three shaking heads again.

"Has better things to do than to bug me?"

At that, they scattered and found plenty to be busy with. Ryder heard Cora's soft laughter behind her. The tall biotic joined Ryder at her table. “You handled that well," she said.

Ryder laughed. “I hope I've actually learnt something about handling them after so many months.”

Cora smiled and rested her head on her right hand. “You know I never figure you to be as good you are back when Alec passed Pathfinder authority to you." She said, lifting a hand to forestall Ryder'a interruption. "But you have done well, very well. More than what I can ever see myself doing. I'm proud of you."

“I'm far from the Pathfinder my father would be."

"You don't have to be the Pathfinder your father would have been. You are you, you are your own unique Pathfinder. You have met with adversity and setbacks. You have conquered and overcome all of them. Everyone has you to thank for the current state of affairs, Shield of Meridian."

"Gods, not you too..." Ryder groaned. "That title is hanging around me like a bad smell."

Cora just laughed wickedly. “You know I was meaning to speak to you. There was something I didn’t say during the de-brief,” Ryder said.

“You mean where you dropped the bomb about the murder of Jien Garson, the mysterious person or group funding the Andromeda Initiative, the galaxy ending threat of the reapers and the fact your mother is one of the sleepers?”

“Yeah that.”

“What bombshell are you going to lay on for me now?” Cora asked raising an eyebrow.

“Well, my father passed the Pathfinder authority to me was to keep the secret of my mother. It wasn’t a judgement of your ability or anything of that sort.” Ryder explained.

“I thought so,” Cora replied.

“I can understand why he did that. That’s not to say I wasn’t angry and confused during those first couple of months. I’m sorry, I might have been too harsh on you then,” she gave Ryder a reassuring smile. “You are more than up for the job, Shield.”

All Ryder could do was to groan again.

“Get used to it, Ryder. That name is not going anywhere.”

* * *

Lexi exited the med bay to see Ryder as she was about to enter her quarters, her hands loaded with ration bars. “Ryder!” she called, about to admonish her for not eating proper meals.

“No, not you too,” Ryder interrupted. “I don’t want to hear it.”

When Ryder wanted to, she could move fast. Lexi just stared at the closed door. “What did I say?”

“The crew has been asking the Pathfinder…” SAM’s voice chimed up from the speakers.

Lexi turned on her heels and said, “SAM, I think I _don’t_ want to know.”

* * *

“I hear you are looking for me?” Ryder said.

“Yeah, I’ve got something.”

“Something?”

“Something about the Benefactor,” Liam said, gesturing at the terminal he was staring at.

“Really?” Ryder said cocking her head to the side. “That’s a little fast isn’t it?”

“I thought so too but it looks legit,” Liam said. “I didn’t think we should be reaching out via regular channels but I did drop a few hints on the extranet. And I got a hit on one of them.”

“Did you manage to verify the source?”

Liam shook his head. “Such things are pretty impossible to verify. It’s more like taking a leap of faith and hope things don’t go to shit.”

“What are they asking?” Ryder sighed, rubbing her forehead.

“There won’t be a meet just a pick up at the dead drop. I guess that’s how they are letting us know that their information is good.”

“Is the information even worth it?”

“There is only one way to find out,” Liam said in a sing song voice.

“Where is the drop dead?”

“Here’s the co-ordinates.”

“SAM?” Ryder prompted as the nav point showed up on the terminal.

“Ryder, this is located in the Eriksson system on the planet Habitat 7, now renamed as Ryder-1.”

“Let Kallo know to set course there,” Ryder said, her eyes meeting Liam’s. _Gods, I hope I don’t regret this._


	2. Dead Drop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaal frowned, angaras’ hearing could detect lower frequencies that were out of the human hearing range. “This is not normal, Ryder. It’s getting stronger. We should get clear,” he insisted, growing alarm in his voice. 
> 
> Before they could react, the ground shook and it raised up to meet them. They were knocked completely off their feet. Ryder tried to pick herself up but the shaking was too strong. They couched low as they attempted to get clear. Screams of alarm from the buildings behind them were loud in her ears as her suit amplified the sounds around her. 
> 
> _Fuck me._

“So what’s on Ryder-1?” she asked staring at the Galaxy Map on the bridge. _That is one name I can never get used to but I’ll like to think the Nexus named it after Pa, not me._

“Well, the vault here has remained inactive even after Meridian but old fashion terraforming has begun to clear up the storms but the atmosphere remains toxic to organic life,” Suvi said, her hands flicking through the screens on her terminal. “There is a team of Initiative scientists and researchers on the ground. They’re part of the terraforming project.”

“So helmets it is” Ryder said somewhat irritably. _How I hate wearing those things. They limit the field of vision, the anti-fog can hardly keep my visor clear half the time and worse if you actually sneeze or puke with your helmet on._

“Kallo, take us in,”

“Taking the Tempest down.” Kallo said in acknowledgement. 

Ryder left the bridge and headed for the armoury to pick up her gear. “Liam, Jaal, suit up and meet me in the cargo bay in 15,” Ryder said via the comms. 

Her original Initiative hard shell was completely trashed after Meridian. It’s good that she managed to scan enough tech to have the Initiative Research and Development team to develop something better and hardier than the original hard shell. 

Ryder got a small cut of any profitable tech that got developed from the things she scanned. Oh yes, of course all major corporations were eager in setting up their Heleus branches. The money went into an account that was jointly held by both her and Scott. They also skimmed a percentage off the top from any mines they leased to corporations. Tech would take time to be profitable while the mining rights would be more useful in the near term. Still, it was too much to expect when they were all standing at the starting line just 6 months ago. She figured in 10 years or so, she would actually stop feeling broke all the time.

She picked up the new Vigilant series armour she was issued and ran her fingers over the black surface. _It looks way more badass than the regular white Initiative ones for sure._

“Shit!” Ryder cursed when she realised she was leaving finger prints all over her helmet visor. “It’s the 29th century and we still can’t make anti finger print materials? I hate finger print marks!”

Liam laughed as he approached, listening to Ryder cursing up a storm. “Here, use this,” Jaal said, tossing a cloth to her. 

“Thanks,” Ryder said snatching the cloth out of the air. 

It wasn’t long before they were all in gear and strapped into the Nomad. “Ryder, please don’t drive us off any cliffs this time,” Liam teased. “I don’t want to get sick inside my helmet.”

“It’s not my fault the dead drop is on a toxic planet,” Ryder retorted. “Next time, find a garden world to have our clandestine meetings.”

Jaal laughed at the exchange. “Ryder, let’s get this show on the street,” he said as the ramp was lowered. “Did I get the idiom right?”

The humans in the Nomad just laughed. 

* * *

“Is this the place?” Ryder asked, bringing the Nomad to a stop.

Regardless of the toxic air, Ryder-01 is a beautiful planet. The lush vegetation nestled among some of the most majestic mountains Ryder had ever seen. Then, the entire thing backdropped against a blue sky and white clouds. In time, Ryder hoped it would make a great colony world. She wished she had the time to just sit and enjoy the sunset Ryder-01 had to offer. It’s something she enjoyed doing the most as a Pathfinder. She made it a point to witness at least one sunset on every world she step foot on. It’s almost as if she was chasing sunsets. Blushing slightly, she remembered more than one occasion when she went off with Jaal that watching the sunset turned into something more.

Liam glanced up from his omni tool. “Looks like it.”

Ryder got off the Nomad and looked at the small clustering of pre-fab buildings. “That’s the terraforming crew settlement,” she said. “Could one of them be our informant?”

Liam shrugged. “Maybe.”

“I’m not too keen to let everyone know I’m looking into the Benefactor just yet,” Ryder explained. “It may be kicking at a hornet’s nest.”

“We don’t have to reveal our purpose,” Jaal said. “We could just be pathfinding in the area.”

Ryder turned and looked at Jaal. Though he couldn’t see Ryder’s expression through her black tinted visor but he was sure she was rolling her eyes at him. He chuckled. She shook her head and turned her attention back to the settlement just 1 klick away from their position. “Let’s take it easy and get scanning. It could be a person or a datapad or a written letter for all I know. Keep your eyes peeled.”

“Peeled?” Jaal asked. “Why would you do that?”

“Another human way of speaking. Remind me to tell you about it when we get back,” Ryder said, chuckling. 

It was almost an hour of random wandering in and around the settlement. Ryder avoided the people mostly. She hoped with her new hard shell and helmet, it wasn’t that obvious who she was. _But I supposed only the human Pathfinder will be wandering around with an angara in tow._ Luckily, the scientists were all busy with what they were doing and not paying the three any heed. 

Ryder stopped. Her scanner seemed to be picking up something. “SAM, are you seeing what I’m seeing?” she asked. 

“Yes, it is a radio frequency. If you get nearer, I might be able to pin point the exact location.”

Ryder moved in a methodical fashion, sweeping her omni tool left and right according to a series of beeps that came with increasing frequency. “Ryder, the radio frequency is coming from just ahead of you,” SAM said. “But I am also detecting seismic activity.”

“Seismic activity?” Ryder asked. “Could that be part of the terraforming or Habitat 7’s natural geological activity?”

“Possibly, but I urge you to proceed with caution.”

“Got it, SAM,” Ryder acknowledged. “Guys! I got something.”

Jaal and Liam abandoned their search and joined her. She spotted something shiny nestled among the native vegetation. Bending to pick it up, she realised she was looking to an OSD. “Is that it?” Jaal asked. 

Ryder shrugged. “Guess so?”

She handed the OSD to Liam. “Your source, your job,” she said. “Check it out when we get back to the Tempest.”

Liam slid the OSD into a compartment on his hard shell. “Did you feel that?” Liam asked. 

“SAM mentioned some seismic activity,” she replied, dismissing the concern. 

Jaal frowned, angaras’ hearing could detect lower frequencies that were out of the human hearing range. “This is not normal, Ryder. It’s getting stronger. We should get clear,” he insisted, growing alarm in his voice. 

Before they could react, the ground shook and it raised up to meet them. They were knocked completely off their feet. Ryder tried to pick herself up but the shaking was too strong. They couched low as they attempted to get clear. Screams of alarm from the buildings behind them were loud in her ears as her suit amplified the sounds around her. 

_Fuck me._

In all its black and angular beauty, an Architect broke through the earth and hauled its body into the air, ripping and breaking the ground as it went. _Like a kraken from the depths of the bloody ocean._ Rock, soil and debris rained down as they moved away from the epicentre. The ground stopped shaking once the Architect was freed from its earthly shackles. For a moment, Ryder had hopes it would just take off and leave them alone. “Of course, Murhpy’s fucking law,” she muttered to herself as she pulled the Mattock from its holster. 

“What?” Liam asked, catching the tail end of Ryder’s mutterings. 

“We got to take it down,” Ryder said. “Take the flanks!”

Without turning to see her commands being carried out, she Charged in and unleashed a combination of acrobatic biotic manoeuvring with explosive omni grenades and cold hard bullets. Liam took the left while Jaal took the right. They concentrated their attacks on the assortment of Observers and Assemblers that inevitably were always hanging around an Architect. 

Ryder knew being a biotic she was at a serious disadvantage against an Architect but she wasn’t willing to allow another to take a risk that she wouldn’t. She released the empty clip with a touch of the button and slammed another quickly into its place. Splitting her attention in battle was a quick way to visit to the med bay but Ryder still took a quick glance behind. Most of the civilians seemed to have taken shelter in their pre-fab buildings. Her jaw tightened as she turned her attention back to the Architect. “I hope those buildings are not going to turn into death traps,” she said over the comm. 

_Don’t jinx it, Ryder._

* * *

The fight was vicious. Jaal and Liam cleared the field of the pesky minions and joined her taking down the Architect’s shields. As usual, the Architect always flees when it was close to the end. And where does it go? To the little settlement they were defending of course. One of the legs smashed down on a pre-fab building, bring the entire thing crumbling like a house of cards. Glass and plastic shattered, snapped and littered the place. It was a mess of white and grey. _Thank gods, it was empty._

“Go! Go! Go!” Ryder yelled, gesturing wildly for Liam and Jaal to go ahead while she held the Architect back.

The Mattock was back in its holster having exhausted all the clips she had. Ryder thumbed the safety of the Disciple and Charged ahead. The Architect writhed and screeched as shot after shot impacted. Her hands moving automatically to reload her shotgun. 

_Was this entire thing a trap? Or just some horrible coincidence?_

There was no time to consider the why, who or how, there was only the get the fuck out of here. The budding settlement was going to be completely trashed along with the civilians inside them. “Liam!” Ryder shouted into her mic. “Clear this one, if there are any remaining people, get them clear of the site! Rendezvous here.”

Ryder pushed a nav point not far from where they parked the Nomad to their omni tools. “You got it, Ryder,” Liam said before taking off. 

“Jaal, clear that one over there,” Ryder gestured at another building. 

“Be careful, Ryder,” Jaal said before turning to his task. 

Ryder eyed the Architect, it was still recovering from the blows they dealt it. There was just one more building that needed to be clear. Her legs pumped as she headed towards the building nearest the Architect.

She thumped her fist against the locked door. “We’ve got to go!” she shouted, while keeping a close eye on the Architect’s movements. 

“No!” a voice shouted from inside, the voice nasally sounding like it belonged to a salarian. “That thing is still out there, it’s not safe out there.”

“If you don’t evacuate, that thing is going to smash this flimsy piece of shit building into rubble with all of you in it.”

There was a long pause. Ryder hoped they were at least considering the horrible image she had conjured up. She didn’t have time to debate with a bunch of civilians over the need to go and go now. _Yes, yes technically the Pathfinder team isn’t military but we are the closest thing here on Heleus._

She tried a different tack. “How many of you are in there?”

“12,” the answer came promptly. 

“Is anyone hurt?” she asked. 

“No, just some cuts and bruises, nothing serious.”

The Architect seemed to have recover and was turning its attention to her or rather the building she was standing in front of. _Fuck!_

“Stay there, don’t come out,” she shouted. 

She could hear an exasperated reply as she headed towards the Architect. “Stay or go! Make up your mind!”

“Shut up and do as I say, I got no time to argue with you,” she yelled over her shoulder. 

As a force of habit, Ryder checked her Disciple’s clip. How she wished she had some semblance of talent in tech skills, maybe even a better than rudimentary skill with the sniper rifle. That would make her life so much easier. _No such luck._ Ryder growled low in her throat. An itch began to develop on her head and she was sorely tempted to rip her helmet off to just scratch. _Can this day get any fucking worse?_

She unloaded her shotgun at the Architect at close range again, managing to earn herself a reprieve. She was down to her last two clips. Ryder eyed the ammo cache just under one of the Architect’s spiny foot. _No, too close. The civilians come first._

She headed back to the pre-fab and thumped her hand on the door. “Let’s go, the Architect is going to be back.”

“What architect? Is there another person out there?”

“No, fucking shit, just open the door and get out of there. I can’t hold it back forever!” Ryder roared, her patience fraying. 

There was a long pause, then a series of noises from within the pre-fab. Ryder was about to just punch through the door with her biotics when the door hissed open. A harried looking salarian emerged. “Have I been talking to you?” Ryder asked, looking intimidating in her all black suit. 

The salarian nodded. “Yasen Mateo, Head of Terraforming for Ryder-01.”

“Right people, listen up. We are headed east through the settlement to the rendezvous point and meet up with my team. Once we are clear I’ll be calling in my ship for an evac. It’s not safe to stay. Do what I say when I say!”

The dozen of mixed species scientists and researchers were staring at the Architect just off to a distance. _Yes, it’s impressive but now is not the time to be admiring the monster that’s going to eat you!_ She suppressed the need to shake some sense into them. Instead, Ryder turned back to Mateo. “You’re in charge.”

He nodded, Ryder thought if his face got paler she would be worried that he was about to faint. _Fuck, don’t jinx yourself further._

Ryder got the group pumping their legs, heading in the same direction Jaal’s and Liam’s charges did. _I hope the guys had better luck that I did._ “Report,” she said as she gestured for the group to keep moving.

“I’m clear of the site and heading towards the rendezvous point,” Jaal said, she could hear he was slightly out of breath from his exertions. 

That was expected and there was nothing she could help with. “Liam,” she called. 

She made sure she faced the Architect, keeping her shotgun trained on it while herding her bunch of civilians on. “Liam!” she called again, worry creeping into her voice. 

“Jaal is taking over my group,” Liam replied, his voice sounding hoarse. “I’m headed back towards you.” 

“Damnit, Kosta," she said. “Stay with your group!” 

“Jaal can handle it,” Liam replied, his breaths coming in fast and harsh as he ran over. 

Ryder pushed her anger aside as she turned to check on her bunch of little lambs. _Discipline can come later when we are not all about to fucking die._ They were mid way through the settlement. She could see Liam running over towards her. Without warning, the Architect surged up into the air. Ryder watched in horror as it dived downwards. "Take cover!"

She scrambled behind the nearest outcropping of rocks while the group scattered. The Architect slammed into the ground, effectively cutting off their escape. "Ryder!" Liam’s voice came over the comm. 

"A little busy here!“

Ryder signalled for her charges to stay behind cover. Cries of panic and sobs of pain filtered into her helmet and pierced her ears. _It's good to have situational awareness when wearing the helmet but this is not helping._ Ryder pushed the raising grip of fear from her mind. _Calm, cool, control._

"Ryder, I'm almost at your position!" Liam said. 

“Jaal,” Ryder interrupted. “Call Kallo for a hot evac, get the civilians out of here!"

She could barely see Jaal and his tiny horde of civilians past the wriggling mess that's the Architect. If her eyes didn’t deceived her, Jaal had hesitated. "Damnit Jaal, go! You can come back after the civilians are stowed away!" the Pathfinder, not Ryder, shouted. 

Adrenaline flooded her body, making her antsy and filled with a need to move, a need to shoot something. She Charged and unloaded her shotgun at the Architect, hoping to kill it or just plain drive it away. Her breaths came hard and fast. _Now all we have to do is hold out for reinforcements._

Liam joined the fray quickly enough. He alternated between his rifle and Havoc Strike. They were barely able to herd their charges and keep the Architect back at the same time. Ryder hurried the group onwards when something in her periphery vision caught her eye. She tried to shout a warning but it was too late. Mateo screamed when he was caught in the Architect's energy blast. _Fuck! We should have moved faster._

She knew Mateo was too close to the Architect but Ryder hunched her shoulders prepared to shield him with a biotic Barrier before wading into the blast to retrieve him. Then a tell tale whine filled the air. _Shit, the Architect is charging up its lasers!_ She saw a flash of white heading towards Mateo. “No! Liam, leave him!” she shouted.

A blue Barrier flickered to life around Mateo as she shouted at Liam. “Get the others clear!”

She wasn’t sure if Liam had deliberately ignored her orders or he just didn’t hear her over the noise. Ryder pushed it out of her mind as she extended her Barrier to cover Liam as well. 

As a biotic, Ryder knew she did loud, flashy and explosive very well but holding a barrier? That’s not what she did best. Holding it up at a distance for an extended time was way out of her league. Regardless, she had to try. Her amp burnt and seared her flesh.

Her barrier flickered in and out as it took the bulk of the attack as Liam pulled Mateo behind cover. The Architect reared up as its targets moved out of view. Then, it launched a grenade field right at her. _Shit._ As quickly as she could, she dropped the barrier over Liam and Mateo and attempted one over herself and the remaining civilians but the blast hit her too quickly. Her shields was breached and the impact threw her against an outcropping of rocks. Ryder winced, the sound in her ears a strange echoey cacophony of high pitched whines. She shook her head, trying to clear her head. The motion made everything worse and a wave of nausea prompted her to throw up. The smell of sick made her gagged. She heaved once, twice before she finally stopped. The high pitched whine resolved itself. Her eyes widened when she realised it wasn’t her ears ringing, it was screams. 

Human, asari, turian and salarian remains were scattered across the open space between the pre-fab buildings. Blood, entrails and everything in between, a large smear on the grass. Ryder took quick stock of the remaining survivors, there were some writhing on the ground, obviously wounded, others stood shell shocked and one other clawing at his helmet. _Fuck! His visor is broken..._

_Can’t breathe. Can't breathe! Pa! I can't..._ Memories of her disastrous first mission on Habitat 7 _Ryder-01_ surged through her mind. _No! Pa, what are you doing? No, you'll die!_

"Ryder, calm down,” SAM cut through her panic. “Your heart rate is increasing if you don't calm down, your implant will kick in.”

SAM’s voice pulled her from the claws of her flashback, throwing her back into the present. She shifted her weight to rise but a sharp pain lanced through her thigh. Ryder looked down and realised the blast had ripped through the cuisse that protected her thigh. Medi-gel had kicked in so the bleeding was under control but debris and metal fragments were obviously embedded in her leg. 

Vaguely, she could hear Liam’s voice over the comm, asking if she was all right over and over again. Ryder didn’t have the capacity to answer. She glanced back at the man. He was slumped over but still struggling. The Architect screeched and launched more grenades in the direction of the civilians. There was no time to analyse and develop the best plan. Ryder could only reacted instinctively. 

In the background, she could hear Liam’s voice shouting for the researchers to run, to get back into cover. His rifle barked but his bullets barely distracted the Architect for its course. She ignored the pain as she raced towards the field of grenades. She knew the blast radius would be wide. She had to choose. Shield the grenades to contain the blast or shield the people from the blast. Her head throbbed as the amp flared hotter as she gathered her biotic energy. Liam was the only witness there. He didn’t see Ryder but a woman cloaked in flames of blue. The Pathfinder was a streak of blue lightning flying across the clearing. 

She had to choose and fast. Ryder created a barrier as tight as she could around the grenades and prayed it was enough. “Get clear, get…”

Ryder didn’t just see, she felt the barrier failed. It didn’t frizzled out, it bent, it buckled and ultimately shattered under the force of the detonation. She didn’t know if she just had overused her biotics, or she just wasn’t strong enough, or she just chose wrong. She watched as the blast ripped her barrier into shreds. Ryder tried to pull up another barrier around the civilians but they were too scattered, she was too far away from them. Then, it didn’t matter anymore when the blast swept over her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early chapter. Feedback and kudos are always welcome!


	3. Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The roar of Liam’s rifle and the screech of the Architect were loud in her ears but worse were the screams in her ears that wouldn’t stop. “Help them!” Mateo shouted green blood trickling down his forehead. 
> 
> He shook her as she lay on the ground. Falteringly, she got to her feet and her eyes raked across the sight before her. They were still, so still. No, not all, some were still alive. _My fault, all my fault…_ She took a moment to centre herself before picking her way carefully over, ignoring the spike of pain that she forced up her leg with every step. “Help me…” a voice rasped, it came through her helmet amplified by the on-board computer. 

Her head shrieked, or maybe it was Liam’s voice that was doing that. Ryder blinked slowly as the world came into focus again. Her thigh howled at her. She felt hands dragging her across the rough ground. “Ryder!”

The roar of Liam’s rifle and the screech of the Architect were loud in her ears but worse were the screams in her ears that wouldn’t stop. “Help them!” Mateo shouted green blood trickling down his forehead. 

He shook her as she lay on the ground. Falteringly, she got to her feet and her eyes raked across the sight before her. They were still, so still. No, not all, some were still alive. _My fault, all my fault…_ She took a moment to centre herself before picking her way carefully over, ignoring the spike of pain that she forced up her leg with every step. “Help me…” a voice rasped, it came through her helmet amplified by the on-board computer. 

As quickly as she could, Ryder pulled the gasping asari behind cover. One look at the asari, Ryder knew there was no saving her. Her helmet was shattered. It was beyond Ryder’s ability to repair it. _Just like Pa, all my fucking fault._ All she could do was cradled the asari as the last breath left her. Ryder took a shuddering breath. There were no other survivors, just Mateo.

“Ryder, Liam, come in!” Jaal’s voice crackled through her comm.

“Jaal, we need some reinforcements here!” Liam yelled. 

The Architect screeched, wrenching Ryder back to the here and now. She picked up her shotgun. Her hands moved with muscle memory, efficient and precise, ingrained through hours upon hours of training. She pressed on the release and the thermal clip slipped out onto her hand, a quick glance to verify the number of bullets she had left before slamming it back into place. Her amp burnt the base of her neck as she flared. Blue flames engulfed her body as she Charged, her omni blade extended. _I never did get around to replacing my asari blade._ It was ultimately a hollow gesture, the omni blade could barely scratch the metallic body of the Architect. She landed heavily, a spear of agony ripped up her bad leg. Ryder growled, pushing the pain into a mental cupboard, slamming the door shut then throwing away the key. 

Liam could barely keep up with Ryder. He pushed the strange clenching in the pit of his stomach away. All Liam could do now was to back Ryder up and stay out of her way. She moved as if possessed, fast and brutal. “Ryder!” Liam called but he received no reply. 

Mateo hissed behind Liam, ”It’s all her fault! I know who she is! She’s the Pathfinder, the Shield of Merdian. Ha! She didn’t shield my team did she? She let them die!”

Even hunkering down a distance from Liam and Mateo, she could hear every single word. She rocked a little at every word that Mateo spat. The buzzing in her body reached a crescendo and she was overwhelmed with the need to move. Throwing caution to the wind, she dodged, skipped and tumbled to avoid yet another grenade field. Ryder made her way to the ammo cache, picking up what she needed quickly. After reloading, she holstered the shotgun in favour of the Mattock. The longer range gave her more space to play with. She darted back behind cover. Her eyes met Liam’s. Liam shuddered at the raw rage and anguish he was in the depths of her amber eyes. “It’s all your fault!” Mateo hissed at Ryder. Her gaze hardened but she didn’t look away. A wave of shame and guilt surged up over him. Liam looked away, his fists clenching. _Reckless, too reckless. Why didn’t I just follow orders? Would this have still happen?_

Ryder snorted. Liam wasn’t sure how to interpret that. _Was that derision? Hell’s bells, I know I disobeyed a direct order but is it really my fault?_ She got to her feet and danced across the field, her rifle bucking in her arms. 

* * *

Jaal joined up with the Tempest as soon as it landed. He ushered the civilians quickly up the ramp. Cora and Vetra had their weapons out, their eyes scanning the perimeter for any other active Remnant. Lexi and Suvi rushed out to help the wounded into the Tempest “Where’s Ryder and Liam?” Drack asked. 

“They were supposed to meet up with us but the Architect cut off their route,” Jaal said. “I’m headed back to her.”

A boom echoed off the mountains that surrounded the valley. “Drack, Peebee, with me!” Jaal barked, setting a brutal pace back the way he came. 

Just as they neared the settlement there was another loud boom. Jaal froze, the entire scene before him was unreal. Bodies scattered across the space between the pre-fab buildings. One building crumpled into rubble. The Architect clicked and snaked in the sky overhead. One person dragging another through the blood soaked field all the while firing at the Architect. “Ryder, Liam come in!” he shouted into his mic. 

Liam’s voice came through calling for reinforcements.

“Come on, the kid is in trouble,” Drack growled, hefting his shotgun over his shoulder as he made his way towards Ryder and Liam. 

As they neared, the fallen pre-fab blocked their view of Ryder for a moment. Jaal heard the screech of an Architect pierced through the air. Then, continuous blasts of explosions and the bark of Ryder’s Mattock punctuated with the air. They moved faster. As they got clear of the rubble, Jaal’s eyes widened as he took in the scene before him. Ryder wrapped in blue flames, engaged in a deadly dance with the Architect. Jaal’s visor swept over the bodies that littered the field. He didn’t need it to confirm that they were all dead. Many were all ripped apart being too close to a blast radius. Some survived only to succumb to asphyxiation. Ryder’s grunt of pain pulled his mind back to her. Jaal lifted his rifle and joined the fray. 

* * *

The Architect was on its last legs. The four of them made quick work of it. As it fell back onto the ground it had escaped from, Ryder stood stock still watching. The head came to rest amid the field of scattered bodies parts and blood. She strode forward, limping a little towards the head. Her thigh throbbed, her neck burnt but Ryder was going to do her job. That’s all she has left, her job. _Fuck if I actually failed so miserably at it._ She didn’t bother talking to SAM as she lay her hand on the Architect’s head to interface with it. Her body flinched in remembered pain but there was none here. 

“Ryder,” Jaal called. 

She turned and their eyes met. Jaal’s jaw tightened at the raw grief in her eyes. “Let’s go,” she said, her voice steady, betraying none of her internal turmoil. 

Drack watched the exchange for a moment, his wizened eyes taking in everything. He huffed a loud breath out of his nostrils and turned. “You heard the boss,” he said, pulling Mateo along. 

Mateo pulled his arm from Drack’s and turned to face Ryder. “You let them die, Pathfinder. You-“

Drack’s hand moved quickly and clammed down on Mateo’s neck, effectively cutting off his airway. “Shut up, salarian!” he growled, shaking the struggling salarian. 

“Drack.” 

It was only his name, it was quiet but it held the steel of command. An implied one but it was a command all the same. 

It was easy to guess what Ryder wanted but it didn’t feel right to not defend her. Their eyes locked. Underneath, the brown orbs that usually shone with laughter, were only weariness and guilt but also a quiet resolve that spoke of a willingness to get through whatever unpleasantness with violence if required. Drack knew it wasn’t the time to challenge her, not out in the field when everything was still raw but he was unwilling to just let things stand as they did. “Kid, don’t listen to this pyjak.”

Drack released his hand from Mateo and pushed him forward. “Walk, pyjak before I think you should join the rest of your colleagues.”

Liam eyed Ryder, not sure if he should stay or go. He watched as Jaal reached towards Ryder in an attempt to comfort but she shook her head. “Go,” she said, this time quieter still. 

“Please,” she whispered.

Liam didn’t realised how much could be put into a single word but Ryder managed. It was just a simple word, a simple request but the emotion that was underlying it was overwhelming. Liam turned and started after Drack. The knot in the pit of his stomach tightened further. 

Jaal pulled his hand back, words just on the tip of his tongue. For her, he swallowed them and turned away. Unsure, what to do Peebee just followed the lead the others had set. As they moved away, Ryder took a long hard look at the carnage. Her stance stiff, her eyes dry as she walked the field, scanning each body to recover their identities, burning the image into her mind. It was a long moment, one Ryder didn’t intend to forget, one that she knew she would always regret. Hanging her head low, she took a deep breath. The scent of burnt flesh and death filled her nose. It was too much for her suit’s filters to get rid off. She started her long way back to the Tempest. 

* * *

She had refused any help, insisting on limping her way back. Jaal and Peebee watched helplessly as she cut a lonely figure walking behind Liam and Drack. They hung back after she caught up with them. Their eyes watching her carefully, ready to swoop in if she stumbled or slipped. Drack didn’t have to look at Ryder to know the look she had on her face. He knew the look well. It was one he carried before and he didn’t wear the look of regret and anguish well. Ryder didn’t either. Pushing Mateo roughly, as if he was a prisoner instead of a rescued civilian, was the only thing he could do to take the edge off his anger. Mateo muttered under his breath. Drack’s eyes moved from Mateo to Liam, narrowing. _He’s quiet for a change._ If he could, Drack would bet his shotgun something must have happened between the Pathfinder and the human. 

“Ryder, let me go get the Nomad,” Peebee suggested. “You can’t walk back like this.”

There was no reply from her. Drack knew Peebee and Jaal wanted to help but he was well aware all help would be rebuffed till she was ready for it. Drack just hoped these two didn’t make the situation any worse. 

Ryder limped her way onto the Tempest. She flinched visibly when she saw the surviving scientists and researchers. Her jaw tightened and she moved away quickly. Lexi looked at Ryder’s cracked left cuisses. “med-bay now,” she said brusquely, before checking herself when she saw the look on Ryder’s face. “Hey, are you all right?” 

It wasn’t a tone she usually took with Ryder, most of the time it was a bark of command or sigh of exasperation. However, the expressions she saw on the party told her much. “Suvi,” she said. “Can you handle it here?”

Suvi nodded, taking the datapad Lexi had on her hands and headed to treat Mateo’s wounds. The team’s return seemed to have sucked all the air from the room. A pall of brittle silence settled in the room, broken only by the shuffling of the survivors. Cora and Vetra returned to the Tempest after securing the Nomad in the cargo bay. The XO’s eyes took in the scene before stopping at Mateo. A fresh bloom of dark green was beginning to form at the salarian’s throat. Mateo brushed Suvi’s hands aside and walked up to Cora, intuitively recognising the chain of command. “I would like to-“ he started. 

Drack growled once, loudly and the words died in his throat. Cora glanced from Mateo to Drack then to Ryder. She had her back towards Cora, one hand against the wall for support. There was a small trail of blood dripping down from her leg. Before Cora could say anything, Ryder lifted her head. “Kallo, set course to the Nexus,” she said. 

Kallo’s voice came back through the comms. “Welcome back, Ryder. Heading to Nexus now. ETA 30 hours,” he said, his tone light, at odds with the mood in the cargo bay.

Lexi made her way out of the cargo bay towards the med-bay. Ryder didn’t follow immediately. She half turned her head towards Liam and said in an steady voice. “Get yourself checked out by Lexi too, Liam.” 

Ryder didn’t wait for an acknowledgement and limped after Lexi in silence. Then, the spell was broken. The rest busied themselves with their tasks. She was barely out of ear shot before Cora pulled Liam and Jaal aside. “What happened out there?”

Liam’s eyes were still on the door that Ryder disappeared through, unable to bring himself to face Cora and her question. Cora couldn’t quite place the look on his face. “We found the two of them attacking the Architect. Then after we took it down that pyjak with shit for a tongue,” Drack said pointing at Mateo. “Accused Ryder of letting people die.”

“What the hell happened?” Cora repeated her question.

Ryder had always been a strong fighter, her training with her father and then the Alliance had made sure of that. If she didn’t had her military career blown up in her face, Ryder would have gone far, Cora was sure of that. Ryder’s biotics might not be as strong as hers but she was more than competent to handle herself. The past months fighting the Kett and the Archon had proved that many folds. _She had Liam with her, how did it go sideways so horribly?_ There were only 3 witnesses to the event that led to the deaths of more than 10 researchers and there was only one who was willing to talk. Mateo’s accusations rang false to Cora. A civilian wouldn’t be able to judge combat situations well and his point of view was just that - his. It wouldn’t be the whole truth. Cora didn’t know if it was simply misdirected blame but she had confidence in Ryder. 

Jaal nodded confirming Drack’s words. “He was the only one alive.”

Cora’s gaze hardened as she kept her eye on Liam. _Why wouldn’t Liam say anything? What in the goddess’ name happened out there?_ In the end, she simply nodded. She had a ship to run now that Ryder was down and survivors to make arrangements for. Then, maybe she would have a little chat with Liam. “Ryder needs some time to process this. She’ll talk when she is ready,” she said, her voice tight as if speaking from experience. 

Liam nodded, grateful that Cora didn’t see fit to drag the events out of him right there. He moved quickly out of the cargo bay all the while feeling Cora’s gaze burning a hole at the back of his head. She watched the survivors approached Mateo asking for news. One look at the salarian researcher’s mix of anger and grief playing across his face, she knew there would be trouble. Maybe not on the Tempest but after they docked at the Nexus, which they inevitably had to, there would be hell to pay. 

* * *

Jaal couldn’t bring himself to rest or clean up while Ryder was in the med-bay. He made his way quickly over. As he approached he heard Lexi arguing with Ryder. 

“I need to give you a local anaesthetic,” Lexi’s voice loud as her composure cracked. “Why are you refusing it?”

Ryder’s voice was softer and calmer. “Just get the shrapnel out.”

“I’ll basically be digging around in your thigh.” Lexi’s voice got louder. “Are you sure?”

Ryder sighed but didn’t answer. 

“Why are you doing this?” Lexi pushed.

Ryder pushed back. “Lexi, just do it, or don’t. I’ll do it myself if I have to.”

Jaal hesitated outside. When Ryder got that way, she would just dig her heels in on whatever decision she had made. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to talk Ryder into taking the local. He knew if he had pushed Ryder like Lexi did, she would end up leaving the med-bay with her wound untreated. Ryder looked ready to slam her walls up higher, lock the doors and pulled up the drawbridge. For a long moment, there was silence inside the med-bay. Then, he heard the snaps of armour being removed and a rustling of fabric. Lexi had probably given in.

Taking a deep breath and Jaal entered. Ryder sat on the bed dressed in a flimsy medical gown. Her legs were straight out in front of her, her left thigh was angry and red, dotted with grey metal shards with one particular large patch dark and weeping. Her hard shell laid in a pile together with her matching balled up under armour. Dried blood and vomit stained the under armour. 

Lexi draped a sheet with an opening over the large wound. She pulled her tray of instruments closer to the bed. “Ready?” she asked. 

Jaal noticed Ryder’s hands gripped the sides of the bed. She nodded. Lexi worked as quickly and cleanly as she could. Cold, hard tweezers plunged in and out of her thigh as the sound of metal bits being dropping into another metal container filled the room. At times, Lexi stopped, picking up a new instrument. Some to remove the metal shards, others to pull muscles apart for better access. Jaal shuffled closer. He wanted very much to hold her hand but he knew she wouldn’t want comfort now. He held himself still and watched her self inflicted punishment. 

Ryder didn’t make a sound, didn’t flinch, didn’t complain. It was like she was made of stone. The only betrayal of her stoic exterior was the sheen of perspiration on her brow and the ever tightening grip she clamped onto the bed. Jaal kept an eye on her vitals through his visor. Her pulse and breathing rate were elevated but that’s was expected. Lexi disinfected the wound and applied medi-gel liberally before moving onto the smaller ones that peppered her leg. 

By the end, Ryder had her eyes closed and breathing hard as Lexi worked. Blue hands worked quickly, wrapping the bandage around a pale thigh as Ryder’s face took on an unhealthy parlour. Jaal glanced at her vitals again when Lexi stood. “Hand me the crutches, Jaal.”

He found the ones Lexi indicated and handed them over. “Stay off your bad leg, keep the bandages dry,” she instructed. “Come back everyday for a check till I say otherwise.”

Ryder nodded and slid off the bed. Her jaw tightened as she put her weight on her bad leg. She took the crutches from Lexi and wordlessly left the med-bay. Jaal watched, his hand moving up to grab Ryder’s arm. Lexi shook her head. “Give her time,” she said. 

He sighed, rubbing his face in weariness. “I know, it’s just…”

“Hard to watch? It is for everyone. I don’t know what happened out there and I can’t even start to speculate the emotional and mental toil it is taking on Ryder but it’s just too fresh and raw for her now.”

He nodded and made to gather Ryder’s hard shell. “Leave them here, I’ll get one of the others to take care of it,” she said. “Just, make sure she eats something.”

Ryder made it to her quarters before she threw the crutches to the floor. She felt the urgent need to break something, anything. Her eyes landed on her small collection of model ships. She limped over and swept everything off the shelves. The ships landed and broke, pieces scattered across the floor. Next, her arms grabbed the data pads on her desk. Those too joined the mess on the floor. _Why am I angry? Who am I angry with? Me? Liam? The fucking Architect?_

Ryder pulled at her medical gown in frustration and ripped it off. She didn’t care if someone walked in on her now, she didn’t care if she was naked save for her undergarments. _Why should I care? I don’t deserve it. I can’t get things right! It all went to hell because of my incompetence._ The chill of her room made her to shiver. She wanted so much to cry but tears just wouldn’t come. All she had was a raging fury so she clenched her fists and her fingernails dug half moons into her palms. 

Jaal made a steaming cup of tea and grabbed a couple of ration bars from the galley. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get Ryder to actually eat something but he was damn sure he was going to try. “SAM, could you open the door for me?” he asked. “I’ve got my hands full.”

“Yes, Jaal. Opening now.”

The door slid open to reveal the mayhem Ryder had reduced her room to. Jaal sighed. There was plenty he wanted to say, to ask, they were all gathered on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed them all. Ryder’s back was facing him but he could feel the waves of anguish radiating from her. His eyes took in the hunched angle of Ryder’s naked shoulders and the slight tremble of her bad leg as she placed her weight on it. His heart clenched. 

Silently, he placed the tea and ration bars on her now empty desk. Ignoring Ryder, he went straight to her wardrobe. As he rummaged through her drawers, he could feel her eyes on him. He pulled out her Initiative hoodie and loose shorts. Jaal left the clothes on the bed before disappearing out of the room with a small towel. When he returned, Ryder hadn’t moved from her spot her head hung low, her arms shaking slightly. Putting the small basin filled with warm water and a clean towel at the side of the bed, he turned to Ryder. 

Her hair had escaped the ponytail, hung over her face, hiding her expression from him. “Ryder,” he called. 

Ryder just shook her head, refusing to meet his eyes. “I’m going to touch you, is that ok?” he asked, his voice gentle, his movements slow. “I’m going to move you to the bed.”

She didn’t refuse but she didn’t accept either. Jaal reached out and touched her wrists. Slowly, he coaxed the fists to relax again. “Is this ok?”

Ryder nodded. Jaal counted that as a victory. Tenderly, he got her to sit on the bed. Her weight made the bed sink a little but her back was still straight, too tight and tense. He got the towel and soaked it in the basin. Using the clean wet towel, he dabbed it over her face. He washed the grime of battle and the dried crusted vomit from her face. Jaal’s touch was careful, his actions deliberate and gentle. His purple hands tender in his ministrations. He kept his eyes on his task praying to the ancestors Ryder wouldn’t shrink back behind her walls as long as their eyes didn’t meet. Slowly, he could feel the tension draining from her muscles. Getting up, he pulled the clothes he laid out towards her. “Can you dress yourself?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded mutely, she started to strip out of her undergarments. He went over to the desk and picked up the tea and ration bars. _I hope the tea is still warm enough._ He didn’t want to break the spell he got going by making a new cup. Ryder had her shorts on and was in the midst of pulling the hoodie over her head. If it had been any other day, Jaal would have thought what they had just shared was sweet but this wasn’t any other day. 

Ryder’s face was drawn and a little pale. Jaal kept an eye on her vitals, ready to get Lexi at a moment’s notice. Pushing the cup to her hands, Ryder took the cup instinctively. For a long moment, she just held onto the cup like it was a lifeline in a raging sea of emotions. Then, she began drinking it without remarking on the less than ideal temperature of the tea. “Do you think you can eat?” he asked, offering her a ration bar. 

Her face twisted and she shook her head. “It’s ok if you don’t want to,” Jaal said. “How about lying down?”

Without prompting, Ryder laid back onto her bed. She squeezed her eyes shut as the movement jarred her leg. Jaal stilled his natural reaction to comfort, giving her the space she needed. Jaal hesitated, he wanted very much to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be all right. He watched as she pulled her arm over her eyes, her brow furrowing at the pain. Inwardly, Jaal sighed. He left the tea and a couple of ration bars next to her bed and gathered up the soiled towel and basin. As he made to leave her room, he heard her. 

“Don’t…” Ryder whispered. “Don’t go.”

Jaal pulled his larger frame onto the bed. He hummed a little lullaby of his people quietly as he ran his fingers through her hair. Ryder closed her eyes and sank into fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome! I might post another chapter over the weekend if I can get it edited in time.


	4. Duties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder found herself seated on her sofa, her back against the arm rest with her legs stretched out. The pull on the wound was unpleasant but strangely satisfying at the same time. She looked across from her, Cora took the ottoman. Her body bent forward with elbows resting on thighs as she stared at the third person in the room. Liam had opted to stand, clearly uncomfortable being there. 
> 
> Cora had called for a meeting, then stated that Ryder shouldn’t be moving about with her injury so the meeting would take place in her quarters since that’s where she was. It didn’t take long for Cora to enter herding Liam ahead of her. Ryder’s jaw had tightened at the sight of Liam. A vague sense of anger flared up but she wasn’t sure if it was misdirected so Ryder kept a lid on it. Perhaps her Pathfinder face wasn’t as good as she thought because Liam stiffened when she looked at him. 
> 
> Liam settled into an easy parade rest. _Something from his time in Crisis Response?_ Ryder shook her head inwardly and glanced at Cora. She found Cora looking at her expectantly. “What?” she asked. “You called for this meeting, not me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome. Any thoughts or predictions on how the story will go? This is the second chapter this week because I am in a good mood. Do let me know what you all think.

“Is she still sleeping?” Peebee asked, leaning against the central console in the research room. 

Jaal nodded. “I’ve checked on her a little while ago.”

“Is that normal?” 

Jaal looked at Lexi, who was rubbing her forehead in weariness, standing next to Peebee. “She had overused her biotics so her body needs rest to recuperate. It’s just regular biotics exhaustion,” Lexi explained. “I’m sure you have experienced that before, Peebee.”

“Erm, actually no. Do I look like the kind who pushes like Ryder does?,” Peebee eyes widened at the implication. “But 20 hours?”

Jaal wouldn’t say Peebee was a selfish person but she kept mostly to herself and her true self closer still. Peebee used her casual flirtations as a shield from allowing others in. He smiled a little at himself, Peebee might not even realise it yet but once anyone wormed their way behind her defences, she would be fiercer than any mother protecting their child. After that [little speech](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cqnlnmF8es) months ago, he was sure the crew were well and truly _her people_.

“The kid was obviously pushing herself to the edge back on Ryder-01 and then some,” Drack said, randomly stabbing his claw on one of the terminals absently.

Cora entered the research room and found them all standing around. She was just done with another round of talks with Mateo. Rubbing her hand over her eyes, she didn’t think she could handle him for another minute let alone the remaining 10 hours they had to reach the Nexus. “Have anyone seen Liam?” she asked. 

Everyone shook their head. Cora wanted some answers preferably before they reach the Nexus. She wasn’t sure when Ryder was going to be up but the death of 11 civilians had to be reported and obviously someone would ask what happened. From what she had see the day before, she knew Ryder wouldn’t be in the head space to handle the administrative side of things. Cora wanted to help as much as she can. She sighed and asked, “SAM, do you know where is Liam?”

“Cora, you can try the airlock,” SAM replied. 

* * *

The throbbing of her leg woke Ryder up. Her room was dark. She stretched her arm across the bed. It was cold. Pulling herself to sit up in the bed, she gazed at her room. The mess she had created was gone though the broken model ships still lay in pieces on her desk. She sighed. The anger she felt had banked. It left her feeling ashamed and empty. She glanced and saw the ration bars Jaal had left. 

The sleep left her feeling fuzzy and strangely still bone tired. Her hands moved on autopilot, unwrapping the ration bar and stuffing it to her mouth. The pungent scent of the bar made her stomach roiled. It tasted like ashes in her mouth. Forcing the rest of the bar into her mouth, she chewed quickly and swallowed. Squeezing her eyes shut, she sat in her bed and prayed it wouldn’t just all come up again. 

_A shower, I need a shower. Then, I got to send a report to the Nexus._ Ryder groaned at the thought of the report but she knew her job and she was going to get it done.

Showering was an utter chore especially since she wasn’t supposed to wet the bandages. It turned out to be futile anyway. Pulling on a fresh set of hoodie and shorts, Ryder hesitated to leave her room. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to face the others. She knew there would be questions. The thing was she didn’t have the answers herself. A sharp pain lanced up her leg as she shifted her weight. It pulled the memories of the mission back to the front of her mind. Her hands tightened on her crutches. _There is no hiding from my own fucking memories._

There was no use delaying the inevitable. If she wasn’t ready to meet the world, the world would meet her anyway. Putting on her Pathfinder mask, she spoke with an energy she didn’t feel, “SAM, could you…” 

Before she could finish her request, the door slid open smoothly. “I’m glad you are feeling better,” SAM said.

Ryder thanked SAM and made her way to the med-bay. Lexi looked at her in surprise when she entered. “Ryder, are you ok?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” Ryder said, shrugging. “I just need a change of dressings. I got them wet.”

“Come, get on the bed.”

Ryder hobbled over to the bed and got on. She pulled the leg of her shorts up as high as it would go. Lexi removed the old bandages and took a look at the wound. It was still red and raw. Lexi brushed a finger over it and Ryder flinched. “Do you have to do that?”

The doctor ignored the question. “Your wound feels a little warm to the touch. I’m going to give you some antibiotics.”

Ryder watched as Lexi disinfected the wound again before dressing it. Lexi handed her the pills. She swallowed them and chased them down with water. “Go get something to eat, Ryder. Your biotics need some fuel,” Lexi said. “I’m glad you came to me.”

Ryder just nodded and made her way to the galley. She had expected Lexi to corner her and force the events of the previous day from her. Perhaps even playing the therapist to her tortured silence. Silently, she thanked Lexi for her mercy. 

* * *

The Tempest felt strangely empty when she didn’t meet anyone else on the way to the galley. She tapped her omni tool to open a comm channel with Cora. _I’ve neglected my job long enough._ “How are the… ahh… survivors?” she asked, not that she had expected any problems. “We have enough supplies for them? What about the bedding? I’m sure I can draw up a schedule so that they can hot bunk in the crew quarters.”

“Ryder, it’s fine. I will see to it,” she said, sounding a little annoyed. “I’m your XO. This is all well within my job scope.”

Ryder nodded, though Cora couldn’t see it. She gathered her pack of re-hydrated pasta and sank into the bench. “Oh, about the mission report to the Nexus…” Cora continued. 

“I’ll take care of the report, Cora. It’s my responsibility,” Ryder said, interrupting Cora in a tone that brook no argument. 

“Sure, Ryder,” Cora replied, a little stunned at the tone Ryder took.

“You have matters well in hand, let me know if you need anything. One more thing, I’ve a list of the dead that I’ve scanned while I was there, could you check with the survivors to make sure we didn’t miss anyone?”

“Sure I’ll do that,” Cora said. 

Ryder terminated the comm once she made Cora promised to not keep her out of the loop. “I’m a big girl and this is actually my job too.” she told Cora. 

She was half way though her re-hydrated pasta when Jaal found her. “Are you feeling better?” he asked. 

She nodded, spearing another pasta into her mouth. “All better?” he asked, emphasising on the ‘all’. 

She dropped the fork into the pack and dropped it into the recycler. Ryder moved slowly on her crutches towards him. She stopped when she drew up to him. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she gave it a little squeeze. “I don’t want to lie. I am not all better,” she admitted. “I… I want to talk to you, just not now. I got to figure it out first.”

Jaal nodded. “Thank you for taking care of me yesterday,” she said and retreated from the galley. 

2 hours later, Ryder was still in front of her terminal. The report wasn’t going well. Her memories of the battle threatened to overwhelm her as she navigated the murky waters of writing the report. There was the reason why they were there in the first place, then the reason why 11 highly valuable researchers were dead. Ryder dragged her hand over her face. _Facts is what’s required. Nothing more, nothing less._ With that decision made, Ryder wrote a perfunctory and concise report leaving out all links to the revelations that her father’s memories had revealed. Her fingers stopped when she considered Liam’s role in the report. _What are the facts, really?_

Before she could continue, her omni tool beeped. She tapped to receive the call without looking at the screen. “Ryder,” Cora’s voice came through loud and clear. “I need to speak to you.” 

* * *

Ryder found herself seated on her sofa, her back against the arm rest with her legs stretched out. The pull on the wound was unpleasant but strangely satisfying at the same time. She looked across from her, Cora took the ottoman. Her body bent forward with elbows resting on thighs as she stared at the third person in the room. Liam had opted to stand, clearly uncomfortable being there. 

Cora had called for a meeting, then stated that Ryder shouldn’t be moving about with her injury so the meeting would take place in her quarters since that’s where she was. It didn’t take long for Cora to enter herding Liam ahead of her. Ryder’s jaw had tightened at the sight of Liam. A vague sense of anger flared up but she wasn’t sure if it was misdirected so Ryder kept a lid on it. Perhaps her Pathfinder face wasn’t as good as she thought because Liam stiffened when she looked at him. 

Liam settled into an easy parade rest. _Something from his time in Crisis Response?_ Ryder shook her head inwardly and glanced at Cora. She found Cora looking at her expectantly. “What?” she asked. “You called for this meeting, not me.”

Cora sighed. Ryder wondered not for the first time if Cora would have been better of leading a team of her own, rather than being stuck here as her second. _She obviously is much better at this than I._ Ryder could guess why they were all here. It stung a little that Cora was taking charge in this manner. _It should have been my job but I am just wringing my hands at a bloody report while there was real work to be done._

Taking a deep breath, Ryder said, “We went to Ryder-01, found an Architect and defeated it. 11 researchers were killed in the action because… I wasn’t fast enough to cover them.” 

Ryder’s face twisted into a grimace at the last part. She tucked her hands into the hoodie’s pockets, feeling a chill. 

“That’s not what happened,” Liam said, jerking forward from his parade rest. 

“What happened, exactly?” Cora asked, sitting up and folded her arms across her chest. 

“I…”

Ryder shifted her leg off the sofa to face Liam, her bare foot directly on the floor. Liam glanced from Cora to Ryder, his eyes finally resting on the ground at his feet. A pregnant pause filled the room. 

“I remember giving you two orders, Liam,” Ryder started. _Gods, the floor is cold._

Liam nodded. “Which you practically did the complete opposite of,” Ryder said, finishing the sentence. 

A sharp intake of breath came from Cora as she stood up quickly. She doesn’t take breaches in command well. _I guess that’s one reason why Cora had accepted my command as well as she did._ Ryder didn’t know what Cora had intended to do but it looked violent. “Cora” she said. Her voice wasn’t loud but it rang with command. 

Cora stiffened before carefully sinking back down on the ottoman. Her eyes never leaving Liam. “Liam?” Cora prompted. 

“I just reacted. You were in trouble so I had to act. Then later on, Mateo was caught in the energy field, so I just…”

“Yeah, reacted.” Ryder felt the beginning of a headache developing behind her eyes. _I don’t need this now._

“Speaking of Mateo,” Cora said. “He is getting the rest rilled up. Drack’s action back on Ryder-01 didn’t help matters.”

She nodded. She had expected as much. “I’m going to have to face the music anyway, there is no need for another person being thrown to the wolves,” Ryder said. 

“So that’s it? I’m off the hook?” Liam asked. “That’s… that’s not right! I disobeyed an order, two orders! If I didn’t, maybe…”

“No, we are not going down that road,” Ryder interrupted forcefully. “I can’t.”

Liam looked away. “Mateo is set on casting me the villain. There is no changing his mind. It’s not heroic to lay down with me.” Ryder continued as she rolled her shoulders, her body aching all over. “I am in charge, any mistakes you make are mine to bear. The deaths are on me and only me.”

Ryder looked away for a moment as a wave of grief rose up in her gut. She didn’t realised it before the talk but Ryder had no intention to just throw Liam under the bus as a scapegoat. She meant what she said. The guilt that kept on welling up was evidence she ultimately held herself responsible for the outcome on Ryder-01.

Expecting Liam, an ex-cop, ex-Crisis specialist, to take orders like a soldier was a tall order. Yes, he had acquitted himself well over the months looking for Meridian and defeating the Archon but he wasn’t a soldier. Ryder cast her mind to her team, how many of them were actually trained? Vetra, all turians served mandatory military service. Cora, most definitely military trained. Jaal, he was part of the Resistance that’s as close to military the angaras have. The rest? Ryder shook her head mentally, none of them were, not really. _Was this a ticking time bomb that’s bound to happen sooner or later?_

Ryder turned to Liam. “That’s the end of this matter. Do better the next time. Every time we go for a mission, I am leaving my life in your hands. Not just mine, anyone that’s with us count on you. I’m in charge, I give the orders. If you have any thoughts or suggestions say so but what I say goes.” 

Liam’s eyes turned inward before he finally nodded. His mouth ajar and there was obviously something he wanted to say. Ryder didn’t want to hear it, not now. “Go.”

He hesitated for a split second before leaving. Ryder slumped back into her sofa, fighting a chill that ran down her spine. _Gods, I’m tired._ She found Cora looking at her. “Erm… Cora,” she said. “You’re creeping me out.”

She smiled, it wasn’t a big grin just a small quirk of her lips. “No, I was a little surprised. This is a new side of you, Ryder.”

“Is this a good thing or a bad thing?” Ryder asked wryly. “Cause if it’s something bad, I don’t want to hear it.” 

Cora laughed. “SAM, what’s the ETA to the Nexus?” Ryder asked. 

“We are docking at the Nexus in 5 hours 24min.”

“Thanks, SAM.”

* * *

She left Liam’s name out of the report as well. Double checking her report to make sure every thing was in order, her finger hovered over the send button for a moment before she tapping it. _There is no taking it back now._ She crawled into bed for a nap.

Ryder stretched. She swore the nap made her feel worse than before. Her body was aching more than before. _I guess my body is catching up on the battle yesterday._ A summon from Tann arrived the moment they docked. Ryder wasn’t surprised. Sorely tempted as she was to just go see Tann in her hoodie and shorts, it was out of the question. She pulled on her white Initiative jacket over a simple tank top and pants. The pants took a little doing but she managed in the end. She made her way to the cargo bay on her crutches to find Liam waiting for her there. 

“No,” she said. 

“What?”

“No, you are not coming,” she repeated. “That’s an order if it makes you feel better.”

With that out of the way, Ryder made her way passed him and down the ramp. Meeting with Tann would be tough enough without Liam being there. She froze when she saw the survivors still milling about near the Tempest. The officers of Nexus traffic control had no idea what to do with them. Ryder had no wish to have a confrontation with Mateo either so she ducked her head and made her way past them as quickly as she could. Silently she thanked all the gods she knew as she left the docking bay without seeing the salarian. 

Ryder couldn’t help but notice that the Nexus had way more people around now. Well, it had been 6 months after all, everyday more sleepers were woken up and sent out to colonise. Now, the tram was crowded especially during the day cycle. Angaras, salarians, turians, asaris and humans co-mingled easily in the same space. All the tension from the revolt months before the arrival of the Hyperion and then the discovery of the angaras finally culminating with the escalating attacks by the Kett were gone. If she didn’t know better she could have sworn she was on the Citadel and not the Nexus. Well, people were still people since nobody bothered offering her a seat even though she was obviously in need of one. Hobbling around on crutches was hard work, the sweat that trickled down her back wasn’t making things better. The tram doors opened and it freed her from the stifling air inside. 

By the time she made it to Tann’s office, she was alternating between the chill of the air and the heat of her exertions. Tann’s usual secretary stood up as she entered. She gestured Ryder towards the stairs and said, “Director Tann will see you now.”

Ryder nodded and stared at the stairs in front of her balefully. _Stairs! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?_ By the time she made it up, Ryder was feeling a little light headed. “Pathfinder, it took you long enough,” Tann said in place of a greeting. 

_Great he has a new record. 6 bloody words._ She shrugged and presented her crutches as explanation. Without offering a seat to Ryder, Tann continued, “I have read your report and interviewed Yasen Mateo.”

A flash of ice cold dread ran down her back, stiffening her spine. _That’s why I didn’t see him._ Her thigh began to throb in time with her headache. “So you failed to secure the lives of 11 highly skilled, extremely valuable Nexus personnel. Personally I must say I am extremely disappointed.” Tann said.

Ryder could tell this was the start of an extremely long speech, she had no desire to stand there and listen. “There were extenuating circumstances, Tann,” Ryder explained. “There was a hidden Remnant Architect there.”

Tann waved his hand as if to sweep Ryder’s explanations away. “Be that as it may, your crew member’s action towards an esteemed member of the terraforming crew is inexcusable.” Tann continued. “By right he shouldn’t even be part of the Pathfinder team.”

“Drack is part of my crew, you can’t…”

“I am the director of the Andromeda Initiative,” Tann reminded her. “I do have the authority.”

“Why don’t you remove me while you are at it?” Ryder asked, her last shred of patience finally gone. 

“Now that,” Tann said, almost slyly, keeping his huge eyes on Ryder. “Would be rather bad for PR. You are the Shield of Meridian after all.”

Ryder’s grip on her crutches tightened, how she wished she could wipe that smug smile off his face. Ignoring the cold mask that descended over Ryder’s face, Tann continued, “You were given a little too much leeway at the beginning but that’s because you were the only Pathfinder. Now there are 3 others.”

“What are you trying to say?” Ryder asked, anger kept barely in check. 

“You’ll get to keep your krogan as long as you keep him leashed,” Tann said, the implied threat clear between his words. 

She didn’t speak. That was obviously not the end of it. Ryder wasn’t about to give Tann the pleasure of hearing her ask. She stood as straight as she could manage but her bad leg was trembling slightly, betraying her. “You’ll owe me one, Ryder,” Tann said. “And I plan to collect someday.”

_Fuck you, Tann._

Oh, the words were just on the tip of her tongue, if only she could let it loose. All she wanted now was to get out, she didn’t want to spend a single second more than she had to breathing the same air as Tann. “Is that all?” she asked, her voice tight and sharp.

“Dismissed.” Tann said loftily.

Ryder managed not to hurl her crutches at him on the way out. As she left, Ryder could see Mateo leaning against the wall opposite the exit of Tann’s office. _Yes, please rub salt into the wound._ The salarian had obviously waited for her, making sure she knew he knew and so on. _Save me from politics!_

When she got back to the Tempest, Vetra was at the cargo bay overseeing the resupply while Cora paced back and forth trying not to get underfoot. Drack was lounging about lazily with a magazine in his hands. Jaal was cleaning her weapons which she had neglected to do so, all the while glancing surreptitiously at the ramp. She saw Cora and Jaal head towards her the moment she came into view. Ryder saw Jaal glanced into the corner of his visor before looking at her. Obviously the visor told him something. Before anyone could ask her anything she turned to Drack, “No more straggling random people on and off missions, otherwise you will be off the Tempest.”

Drack put the magazine down and raised both his brow ridges at Ryder. “Understood, Drack?” she asked. 

“Fine, fine,” he asserted. “That what Tann wanted?”

“More or less,” she said. “That’s settled then.” 

Ryder wanted just go take a nap or something. The trip to Tann’s office took all her energy and she didn’t think had any left. Jaal took her weight as she stumbled. “Ryder, you are hot,” he said. 

“Jaal, save it for the bed room,” Ryder laughed. 

Drack barked a burst of laughter while Vetra snickered behind the datapad she was holding. “No, I mean literally, your temperature is high,” he explained. 

“So I’m not sexy?”

“No, but… I…”

Ryder laughed. Cora came over and placed her hand over Ryder’s forehead. “Yup, a fever.” she announced. “Come on, off to the med-bay you go.” 


	5. Hey SAM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How are you feeling?” he asked. 
> 
> “Bored from being cooped up on the Tempest for so long,” she said, as she wiped a towel over her face. Her face was flushed from her workout earlier. “I’m glad Lexi finally cleared me for active duty.”
> 
> Jaal laughed. “You never do well being bored.”
> 
> “Who does? If I didn’t get to plan the missions I would just go mad,” she said throwing her hands up in the air to emphasise her point. “I am a sentient organic, I need stimulation!”
> 
> “There’s always the 300 weapons pictures and manuals Drack sent you?”
> 
> “You’re joking?”
> 
> “Or you can try yoga, Lexi seemed to think it will help calm you down.”
> 
> Ryder just glowered at him. “All right, all right, I’ll stop teasing so what’s the mission tomorrow?”
> 
> She groaned. “I don’t want to repeat myself again tomorrow. Let’s just say more Kett.”
> 
> “Ahhh, my favourite kind of mission then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My attempt at some fluff. Not particularly happy with the title of the chapter. If anyone can think of something better, please drop me a comment. This story hasn't broken the comment bubble yet, thus far comment-less. :(
> 
> In other news, thank you to all those who has gave me a kudos! It makes me feel that there is someone out there actually enjoying the story!

“Kallo, is it always like this on a mission?” Ryder asked.

She bent over Kallo’s shoulder, trying her best to balance on her crutches while watching his console. Lexi's medications had worked wonders for her fever. At least she was feeling well enough to feel bored. Her leg still hurt but at least it’s healing properly.

Ryder tried to keep up with the screens in front of her. The usual display of meters, readings and ever scrolling information just above the Tempest’s controls was replaced by the shaky video from the ground crew’s body cams. “What do you mean, Ryder?”

“It’s so unsteady. Don’t you feel like barfing?” she asked. 

“You should see it when you’re Charging,” Kallo replied laughing. 

“Much worse?”

“Much.” Kallo nodded solemnly. 

Ryder pressed her lips together, not sure what to say. “I guess, I’m sorry?”

The screens with the Blair Witch videos were labeled with each on the ground crew member’s name. At the side, there is another screen showing their vitals and yet another showing their location on a mini map. “Oh, it’s not so bad when it’s small like this but when I do this,” Kallo reached out and tapped a couple of controls and the smaller screens faded to show a single large one. “You will probably feel much worse.”

Ryder nodded. Cora’s camera was jittering as she raced behind cover. The view swung to the left as she edged around the cover. “Jaal, take out the Destined on our 10,” Cora’s voice came through the comm. 

“On it, Cora," came Jaal's reply.

"Most of the time, SAM keeps an eye on things."

"That is correct, Ryder. I will keep the squad leader informed, in this case Cora, as well as monitor for enemy activity," said SAM. 

Ryder nodded, remembering the times SAM brought her attention to incoming enemies and other relevant information. 

The sound of gunfire mingled with biotic and tech attacks peppered the comms. It sounded tinny and muted coming through the small speakers on Kallo’s console. Ryder's grip on her crutches tightened to fight an urge to pace or rather hobble. It was weird to be on the Tempest watching while the others were out on a mission. Ryder rubbed her thumb with her index finger anxiously instead. Kallo showed her the button she could hit anytime to talk to the ground crew but she knew any interruption during battle could mean life or death. Ryder bit her tongue and restricted herself to just watching.

It didn’t take long before Cora called out the all clear. Ryder tapped the button and said, “Great job, team. The Tempest will meeting you at the rendezvous point in…”

Kallo mouthed the number 3 with exaggerated jaw acrobatics. 

“3 minutes.”

“Acknowledged, Cora out.”

Ryder rested one arm against the back of Kallo’s chair. “Is this what you do while we are on the ground?”

“Pretty much,” Kallo replied. “Though sometimes Suvi and I have a bet going who is the first who complains about your driving.”

“I’m not that bad!” Ryder protested, smacking a hand on Kallo’s shoulder.

Suvi laughed. “It’s by popular vote though.”

Ryder frowned in mock anger. Kallo shifted in his seat, flexing his fingers before tapped a couple of controls. “All right now it’s my turn,”

The Tempest headed towards the rendezvous point while Ryder watched. 

* * *

“I’m starving!” Vetra whined as she entered the galley. 

She froze when she saw Ryder leaning over the small induction heat pad precariously on her crutches. There was a pot on the induction pad. Ryder was struggling with a pair of scissors and a sealed pack. Vetra watched with amusement as Ryder scream in frustration and threw the scissors on the counter. 

“What century is this now? And they still can’t make a pair of scissors that work for both lefties and righties?”

Vetra took the pack from Ryder and removed a glove before slicing it open with her talon. She spread her mandibles in a silent laugh as she handed the pack back to Ryder. “Oh, isn’t it great you have blades for fingers,” Ryder said, as she looked at her own fingers. “Unlike my useless nubby sticks at the end of my hand.”

“Don’t forget, you humans have 2 too many fingers,” Vetra reminded. 

She glanced at the table, there was a small spread of levo food already cooked and plated there. Then the smell hit her. “What are you doing?” she asked. 

“Eh… Making dinner?” Ryder replied. 

“Are you sure?” Vetra asked, fighting her gag reflex, through closed nose plates. “It smells awful!”

“Really?” Ryder asked, sniffing the bubbling pot. “Smells good to me but it’s dextro, maybe it smells different for you. This is my first time cooking dextro food after all.”

“Spirits, Ryder, you are probably doing it all wrong,” she said as she took the pot off the induction pad and poured the contents away. “No more dextro cooking for you.”

Ryder sat down heavily on the bench, shifting her bad leg out of Vetra’s way. “Well, it’s the least I could do while you all are out on mission,” she huffed. 

“It’s not the least you could do. It’s terrifying that’s what it is. To see a non-dextro cooking dextro is really terrifying. You might poison me!” Vetra complained.

“I guess that’s a valid fear for the only dextro on board.” Ryder laughed. “I feel so useless not being able to go on missions.”

“You know, Ryder.” Vetra said turning to look at her with a spoon between her 3 fingered hand. “You could plan the missions. By the way, what is this lefties and righties you speak of?””

* * *

“Hey SAM?” 

“Yes, Ryder?”

Ryder couldn’t sleep after she was done planning the next mission. She lay on her bed, her arms flat out, perpendicular to her body. “Did I choose wrong?”

“Ryder, this is the 3rd time we are having this conversation,” SAM said. 

If Ryder wasn’t mistaken there was a hint of irritation in his voice. “Humour me.”

“It is impossible to speculate, I simply do not have enough information. There are too many variables.”

“But you could analyse the footage from the body cams.”

“There were only 2 body cams on scene, that’s not the whole picture,” SAM explained.

“If I had trusted Liam to get Mateo behind cover, I might have been able to get the barrier up for the first grenade blast. If I could have stopped the first one, there won’t be anyone dead.” Ryder pulled her arm over her eyes as images flashed behind her eye lids. “Or maybe if I was stronger, I could have…”

“Ryder, you might have but it is impossible to say what will happen one way or another,” SAM pointed out. “Are you having trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“Based on your sleep pattern of the past week, you have been getting 3 hours less sleep on average. You should speak to Lexi,” SAM suggested. 

“I’ll think about it,” Ryder said. “Thanks SAM.”

“Anytime, Ryder.”

* * *

“Hey SAM?”

“Yes, Ryder?”

“What game do you think Tann is playing at?”

“I do not understand the question. Director Tann do not play games,” SAM replied. 

Ryder sighed. “I mean… What can he possibly want? He is the director what can’t he get done officially?”

“I do not have sufficient data to speculate.” 

“Yeah, I know. Thanks SAM.”

She had a long talk with Cora and then Jaal about what Tann had said. Neither could offer any words of advice other than to wait and see. She couldn’t help but feel there was a blade hanging over her neck. Rubbing her neck to get rid of the feeling, she turned back to the terminal. Ryder tapped on the send button and stretched. She had just finished evaluating the latest APEX missions and sent out deployment orders to Kandros. She sighed as her shoulders popped, as she sank back into her chair she pulled the relevant datapads nearer and got started on planning out the team’s next mission. 

* * *

It took a while but Ryder was finally mostly healed up with the help of antibiotics and liberal application of medi-gel. _Good riddance to the crutches._ Liam began acting like his usual self, his awkwardness around Cora and Ryder faded into the background. The crew had spent the better part of 2 weeks clearing out Kett outposts, raiding Roekaar bases and disrupting the occasional Collective activity. 

“Guess what?” Ryder asked one day during her rounds. 

“You have won arm wrestling against Drack?” Jaal quipped, looking up from his work.

“Ha! That will be the day,” Ryder laughed. “Lexi cleared me to start some PT.”

After that particular conversation, Ryder was regularly working out in the cargo bay. There wasn’t a proper gym set up on the Tempest but there was a set of free weights and a chin up bar. She would grab Cora for biotics training if she wasn’t leading a mission. Ryder even approached Peebee and Lexi when Cora wasn’t available, though they had begged off quickly after one session. 

* * *

“What you guys doing?” Ryder asked as she entered engineering while on her usual rounds.

“Poker!” Peebee said, slurring her words a little. 

Ryder took one glance at the half emptied bottle of asari alcohol next to Peebee and understood the situation. “I see someone has been shopping when we stopped by Kadara.”

Peebee giggled as she took another swig at the bottle. “Did you get her drunk so you can win?” she asked Vetra who was lounging on a chair across from Peebee, cards on the table. 

“No…” Vetra said, flicking her mandibles in a disconcerting way. “I would win anyway.” 

Ryder spotted an equally half emptied dextro brandy next to Vetra. “Hmmm,” she hummed uncommittedly. 

“And you?”

“I’m just here watching the fun,” Gil replied, his face red but he was definitely not slurring. “Come on, join us.”

“I should go,” Ryder said. “Missions to plan and what not.”

Peebee stumbled to her feet and dragged Ryder to the table. “We have another 2 days of travel, you have plenty of time to work before we get here,” she insisted. 

“All right, all right.” Ryder was glad she had stayed. 

It was early in the day cycle. She had enjoyed the poker match the night before. Ryder was sure the three of them were still sleeping off the copious amount of alcohol they consumed. Ryder on the other hand was up for her morning PT. She put herself through a battery of push ups, crunches, stretching, weight training and whatever else Lexi deemed fine for her newly healed leg. An hour later, she was all done. Retrieving her toiletries, Ryder headed off to the showers. As she was about to open the door, it hissed open and a strange asari came stumbling out. 

Ryder dropped her stuff and reflexively prepared a Shockwave in her hand. The blue energy crackled dangerously for a split second. The stranger screamed, “What the hell Ryder!” 

Ryder allowed the energy to dissipate when she realised the voice was familiar, very familiar. She stared at the stranger for a long moment, the asari had her hands up, eyes wide in shock. “Peebee?” Ryder asked. “Is that you?”

“Goddess!” Peebee shouted. “Of course it’s me!” 

Ryder laughed, holding her sides, she couldn’t find the breath to explain. Peebee fumed and she folded her arms across her chest. “You look so different, Peebee,” Ryder confessed. “Where is the black streak across your eyes?”

“Ryder, it’s too early in the morning for make up!” she yelled as she stalked off, leaving Ryder still in the throes of her laughter. 

* * *

Jaal had seen a shift in the way Ryder handled missions. He knew Vetra suggested that Ryder should plan missions in a bid to keep her from going stir crazy. However, Ryder took to it with a passion. She was relentless in information gathering. Nothing was too small or insignificant to ferret out for the mission. She made sure they were prepared, weighing her choice for the ground squad, weapon choices and the like after taking the data into consideration. Though she made her recommendations, Cora had the final say with the ground squad since she was going to lead them. 

Ryder took care of the crew as well. Jaal saw her doing her rounds every night, checking in on everyone. Sometimes it was just for a quick chat, other times it was for a heart to heart talk. This was a habit that fell to the wayside in the month leading up to Meridian. 

He was looking forward to Ryder’s check in with him though he regularly spent some nights sleeping in her quarters, these visits were special. It meant he was part of her crew, a valued member that contributed to the ever strengthening ties between the Milky Way species and angaras. His omni tool beeped, it was a message from Ryder letting him know that she was headed his way. Sure enough the door to the tech lab slid open not long after. Ryder sat down one of the many crates scattered about. “How are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Bored from being cooped up on the Tempest for so long,” she said, as she wiped a towel over her face. Her face was flushed from her workout earlier. “I’m glad Lexi finally cleared me for active duty.”

Jaal laughed. “You never do well being bored.”

“Who does? If I didn’t get to plan the missions I would just go mad,” she said throwing her hands up in the air to emphasise her point. “I am a sentient organic, I need stimulation!”

“There’s always the 300 weapons pictures and manuals Drack sent you?”

“You’re joking?”

“Or you can try yoga, Lexi seemed to think it will help calm you down.”

Ryder just glowered at him. “All right, all right, I’ll stop teasing so what’s the mission tomorrow?”

She groaned. “I don’t want to repeat myself again tomorrow. Let’s just say more Kett.”

“Ahhh, my favourite kind of mission then.”

* * *

“So we’re back at Elaaden, Morda got in touch with us with reports on suspicious Kett activity at Gehenna Valley,” Ryder said. 

She turned to the central console at the meeting room. SAM brought up the map without prompting. “The nav point provided by Morda indicates it is just east to the forward station we’ve placed previously.”

The team leaned forward towards the holo screen studying it carefully. Cora watched as Ryder rattled off the possible enemies they would be facing, the weather conditions, the local time they would be dropping in and much more. Previously Ryder would go in with just a team of three but now it’s her custom to send in 2 teams of 3, leaving one member to take command of the Tempest. “Any questions?”

“Will we be home for dinner?” Peebee asked. 

The crew laughed. “I don’t expect us to be gone long for this. It’ll probably be a sweep and clean mission,” Ryder said. “So squad assignments as follows, I’m taking team 1 with Vetra and Liam. Cora will lead team 2 with Jaal and Drack. Peebee, you can prepare dinner for us when we get back.”

Laughter filled the room again. Cora thought it made sense for Ryder to have Liam on her team. It was going to be a first mission after Ryder-01, Ryder had to know if her words had sank in for Liam or if he was going to go off script again. It’s better to test it out now than to find out when shit got real.

“We drop in 30,” Ryder said. 

That was the signal for the end of the briefing. Everyone filed out to make their preparation. Ryder headed up to her quarters to pull on her under armour before padding down to the cargo bay on bare feet to put on her armour. Gil was there. “Help me?”

Gil was a little rusty with the buckles since Jaal was usually the one who helped her with it. It wasn’t too much trouble to give Gil a little lesson while she was at it. _It’s not a bad idea if everyone was familiar with the hard shell._ She jumped a little to get the armour to settle. The hard shell was mostly a modular system, allowing her to mix and match between the different hard shell makers. It’s the interior body mould that’s custom made to fit the individual. “The Mattock and Disciple?” Gil asked. 

“Someone has been paying attention to what I like?” she asked, cheekily. 

“Hey, hey, I’m just an observant man,” Gil protested. 

She took the guns from him and holstered them. Ryder rounded out her load out with her trusty Carnifex. She picked up her helmet and put it on to check the seals. The helmet was snug around her head, the HUD popped up over her right eye as soon as she looked in that direction. It was set up for right eye dominant folks but it was a simple matter of switching it in the settings. Ryder always prefer the HUD over her less dominant eye so that she could actually keep her dominant one for actual enemies. 

Putting the helmet on was something she had done a thousand times before, it didn’t feel any different, it shouldn’t. However as soon as she engaged the seal, she swore she could hear something. It began as a small murmuring in her ears, then a sharp scream rang out. Her eyes widened and her fingers couldn’t rip her helmet off fast enough. Her heart raced, her breath came fast and heavy and her stomach roiled. “Ryder, are you all right?” SAM asked through their private channel. 

“Fine,” she managed to croak. 

Ryder focused on catching her breath while Gil eyed her strangely. He swore that she looked like she just sprinted across the entire length of the Tempest. She had the helmet in her left hand and it was shaking a little. “Ryder,” Gil called out. “Are you ok?”

By then she had her breathing and heart rate under control. Colour began to return to her cheeks. “Yeah, I am,” she said, brushing his concern aside. 

Ryder could tell he didn’t buy her bullshit but the rest of the ground team picked that moment to enter the cargo bay. Ryder quickly moved away to help the others with their hard shells. As the team piled into the Nomad, Jaal noticed Ryder wasn’t wearing her helmet. “No helmet?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded. “There’s no need for it today,” she said, rubbing the back of her neck. 

Jaal’s eyes narrowed but didn’t push. _Her first mission back, even Ryder needs a break from time to time._

* * *

As promised, they were back for dinner. The galley could barely fit the entire team even if they were all standing, let alone while they were trying to have a meal. Peebee did prepare dinner but it was basically rehydrated food packets. “He just took the hits on his shield thinking he was going to get in close then Ryder Pulled them up in the air,” Drack said, his voice loud clearly enjoying himself. “Then Vetra just finished them off with her rifle.”

Ryder laughed. “Yeah Ryder, that’s not cool,” Liam said. 

“But it’s funny,” she said in between bites. 

The outright guffaws around the table proved her point, it didn’t take long before Liam joined in laughing. 

“And not a single one of you needed the med-bay,” Lexi said. “Finally, I get a chance to actually relax.”

“Don’t worry Lexi, Ryder will keep you busy now that she is on active duty,” Vetra said. 

Ryder just groaned. “I’m not that bad,” she protested. 

Eventually the crew took their leave individually or in a group, while Ryder still nursed a cup of tea. Her eyes distant as she stared off into space. Jaal slid in to join her on the bench. His thigh bumping into hers. “Credit for your thoughts?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Just tired I guess.”

* * *

Ryder sat on her bed, the helmet next to her. The sight of it unnerved her slightly. _Damnit._ Though nobody had actually spoke up about it, Ryder was sure someone had probably noticed that she wasn’t wearing her helmet for any of their past missions. She hadn’t actually put it on since that first time. Huffing a breath through her nose, her hands griped the edges of the helmet. _Just put it on, what is the worse that can happen?_

Ryder tilted her head upwards and pulled the helmet on in a single smooth motion. Her breaths was loud in her ears as took deep breaths to calm herself. In, out. In, out. She closed her eyes and concentrated on hearing something, anything. _Nothing._

A sharp scream pierced her ears. She stiffened. Her heart rate and breathing quickened. _I’m just hearing things. It’s just one off._ The scream came again and again. It was the same voice, a female voice. _Am I going crazy?_ It didn’t have the double flanged voice of a turian or a deep rumble of a krogan or even the nasal tone of a salarian. That left human or asari. Even as her brain worked to identify the voice, Ryder clenched her fists at her side as she endured the auditory assault. Every single shriek was a sharp lance to her heart, each one getting louder than the previous before finally culminating with a crescendo of screams. “It’s all your fault!” 

Ryder ripped the helmet off and flung it clear across the room. Her hands were shaking as she pulled them back to wrap around herself. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Ryder didn’t know how long it took her before she trusted herself to hold it together. She made her way towards the helmet that was just lying on the floor. Nudging it slightly with her foot, Ryder was tempted to kick it. Instead, she picked it up and left it on her desk. As she crawled into bed, starlight streamed in through the windows, reflecting off the helmet. She couldn’t help but feel the helmet was staring accusingly at her.

_It’s all my fault…_

* * *

“What are you doing?” Vetra asked frowning at the mess across her desk. 

“Errr… sorry about the mess,” Ryder apologised. “I was just trying to find a space to work on something.”

“What are you trying to do anyway?” Vetra asking, her head cocked to one side. 

Ryder’s helmet disassembled was on the desk while she typed away on her omni tool. Vetra noticed the helmet looked a little scuffed up. _Isn’t the helmet new?_ “Hmmm?” Ryder looked up to find Vetra scrutinising her. 

“I am just trying to get audio playing inside the helmet but I want it separate from the comm channel.”

“But why?”

“Just thought I might want some music sometimes, you know? But I don’t want it to drown out the comm channels too,” Ryder replied turning back to her omni tool. 

“Here, let me help,” Vetra said, taking a seat next to Ryder. “You know you are practically hopeless with tech.”

Ryder smiled a little embarrassed and uncomfortable at the same time, rubbing the back of her neck. Vetra couldn’t figure out why Ryder looked that way but if all she wanted was to pipe some music in, it wasn’t all that hard. It was only the work of 15 minutes, adapting certain processes to make it work. Then another 30mins to put the helmet back together. 

“There!”

“Thanks Vetra,” Ryder said. “You’re a life saver.”

“You want to test it?”

Vetra frowned when Ryder shrank back at the suggestion. “Maybe later? It’s late. I should go.”

She didn’t even realised Ryder didn’t leave her helmet in the armoury. 


	6. The Other Shoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other shoe has dropped.

Drack watched Ryder paced a little in the cargo bay, glancing at her helmet that’s sitting on a crate near the Nomad. The others were putting on their hard shells. “Ramp down in 5 minutes, Ryder,” Kallo’s voice came through the speakers overhead. 

“Got it, Kallo.” Ryder replied. 

It’s been months. Drack was sure something was wrong. The kid smelled different since Ryder-01. At first, she smelled of sick, worry and a generous helping of gulit. That changed once she started planning the missions and training. Her scent was almost back to the way she used to smell. Drack had allowed himself to relax. The kid was back to being herself. Anyone would smell different when they were hurt. Krogans were no different. That meeting with Tann probably didn’t help. Drack snorted when he remembered Ryder’s admonishments after _that_ particular meeting. Then, he couldn’t put a claw on when it happened but her scent carried a vague overtone of fear and dread. It was really strong a few months ago but it got better as time went on. Drack huffed to clear his nose. The sour tone of fear never did quite went away. It always did spiked just before a mission. _Was the kid afraid of combat?_

Drack shook his head, he knew that couldn’t be true. She led the ground squad as usual, in some ways better than before. _Ha, what would the Nakmor clan think of him now? Drack taking orders from a human child._ He holstered his shotgun on his back. Ryder was competent maybe even good at combat for a human but she would never be as great as him for sure. However, her biotics gave her quite the edge specially on the Tempest. Other than Ryder they only had one other biotic on the ground crew. What made the kid outstanding was her ability to find compromises and common ground. _Even I can do that, as long as they are not constantly trying to piss me off. That’s not going to happen anytime soon._

Drack cast a keen eye on the cargo bay. He nodded as he saw there was nothing loose that wasn’t strap down. Depressurisation of the cargo bay to lower the ramp while the crates were not tied down was a messy affair at best. Cleaning up the cargo bay once after that particular adventure was more than enough for him. One look was enough to see Ryder making the same check as he did. She did glanced up the upper level to make sure Gil wasn’t still leaning over the railings watching them though. He always did forgot about that human. 

The kid took a deep breath before grabbing her helmet and pulled it on. The sour tang hit his nose again. Though it filtered through his helmet, it was still pretty strong. He watched as she tapped on her omni tool. This entire routine was almost a ritual by now. He found Vetra looking at him. She opened a private comm channel to him. “Music?” she asked, glancing at Ryder. 

He nodded. Drack wondered how many on the ground squad noticed Ryder was listening to music during most of the mission. The onboard computer in her suit only cut her music when comms came through the mission critical channel. If anyone tried pinging Ryder over the general channel would be treated to an assault on their collective ears. 

Ryder got into the Nomad and took hold of the steering wheel, Cora took the seat next to her while Drack and the rest had to squeeze into the back. He couldn’t understand, Cora and Ryder were the among the smallest ones on the crew. He couldn’t understand why Ryder was never willing to relinquish the steering wheel. Now sandwiched in between Jaal and Vetra while attempting to angle his head away so that her mandible wouldn’t poke his eye out, he understood why. Drack rumbled his displeasure. 

“Yeah, yeah, old man,” Liam said. “It’s not comfortable for me too.”

“It’s not fair,” he growled.

“What’s not?” Jaal asked, attempting to keep his elbows as close to his body as he could. 

“Cora should be sitting in the back. I should be sitting in front”, he pointed out. “It would free up so much space in the back.”

“I’m glad you figure out that you are taking up too much space,” Liam said.

Cora laughed. “Squad leader privileges. You should get Ryder to appoint you as one the next time if you want this seat.”

Ryder didn’t reply. Her eyes were focused on the road and she obviously hadn’t heard a single thing, since it was done over the general comm channel. Cora exchanged a look with Drack. They had spoke about this very thing. Neither of them could figure out what’s up with the music in helmet situation. It didn’t really interfered with the missions. In fact, the team worked better, faster and much quieter. Ryder was relying mostly on hand signals and she had an almost psychic ability to keep track where everyone else was. Of course, she could give directions over the mission comm channel if she wanted to.

* * *

Drack and Jaal were with Ryder as they were about to clear the last room on that level. Cora’s team was one level above them. Ryder glanced at Jaal and gave him the signal to hack the door before turning to Drack. Ryder pointed at herself and lowered her hand towards the ground. Drack nodded though he knew the proper signal was to lifted 3 fingers in the air while his thumb and index claw formed a circle but he only had 3 claws so fuck it. The holo-lock on the door turned from red to green. Ryder went prone while Drack stood up, both of them fired and tossed a couple of omni grenades for good measure and the remaining Collective operatives crumpled to the ground. 

Ryder pulled her helmet off the moment the rest reported all clear on their end. Her hair was plastered to her head from perspiration. Drack could hear music streaming out of Ryder’s helmet. “Anything good there?” he asked jerking a claw at her helmet. 

Drack could hear the lyrics drifting out of the helmet. 

_So I take off my face_

_’Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong_

_And I pull out my tongue_

_’Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong_

She snorted, “They are all good.” 

She pushed her hair away from her eyes and tapped her suit’s mic, “Liam, Vetra stand guard at the south entry point. The rest of you gathering up all the medical supplies and grab whatever that looks useful. Cora, can you co-ordinate things? I’ll keep watch at the north entry point. Drack with me.” 

Jaal turned to began the painstaking task of loading the Nomad with the medical supplies they were here to retrieve from the Collective operation on Eos. Drack was more than happy to get out of such a tedious chorus. They trudged through the base before emerging at the north entrance. Drack leaned against the pre-fab railing, his shotgun across his lap. He sighed a little, Drack wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone but he wasn’t the young krogan he used to be. Sniffing a little to take in the scent, his nose was tickled by the dry, arid smell of Eos as it permeated the air. A shift in the wind brought Ryder’s scent to him. It was salty with sweat and good hard work, no sour tang at all. Ryder kept her eyes on the horizon, her hands still holding with her Mattock. She looked ready but relaxed at the same time. Ryder turned to find Drack looked at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” Drack said. 

For a while they stood guard in companionable silence. Drack shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Ryder narrowed her eyes at him. “Just spit it out,” she said. “I can practically hear the thoughts rattling around in your head.”

The ridges on Drack’s forehead scrunched together to form a frown. “What’s with the music, kid?”

Ryder went still before sighing. “What’s wrong with a little music?”

“Ryder, this isn’t _just_ a little music,” he pointed out. “You can deflect, you can lie but your scent can’t.”

Ryder snapped her mouth shut and Drack definitely smelled the sour tang again. “You’re doing it again, kid.”

Drack almost regretted saying anything at the look Ryder gave him. It was fear. The kid had never looked at him at way before and it broke his heart a little. _What are you afraid of kid?_ He was a krogan of actions, words was something he left to Kesh and Morda. Coaxing a human to talk, not just any human but Ryder, was a task Drack felt unequal to. Though if you asked him, he would deny it. Before he could say anything else, Ryder’s omni tool beeped with an incoming call. 

Drack read pure relief on her face. He heard Kallo’s voice came through on her omni tool. “Ryder, you have an urgent call from the Nexus. Patching it through now.”

His eyes narrowed. Nowadays the Nexus was synonymous to Tann. Drack was no political scholar but he kept his ear to the ground, mostly because Kesh sent him mails. Normally, he wouldn’t have bothered reading about the latest going-ons back on the Nexus but since the appointment of the Moshae as Interim Ambassador he thought he should keep an eye on things. _Who knowns the krogans might get a seat on the eventual Heleus Council?_ He knew he would back Kesh for the position of Councillor when the time came. In his opinion, the krogans had more than proven their worth. Just 3 months ago, Tann had appointed one Keana T'vera as Director of Pathfinder Affairs. He was there when Ryder suggested an asari voice on the Nexus leadership. It seemed somebody had listened. 

Drack never met the asari but he knew from Kesh’s mails, she wasn’t around during the uprising. T’vera was one of the recently thawed. He didn’t know what to make of the asari for now. She was new, her position even newer. What exactly the Director of Pathfinder Affairs did Drack had no fucking clue and he couldn’t care less. That was Ryder’s job to figure it out. He figured T’vera was Ryder’s boss along with the rest of the Nexus leadership. Yet another layer of bureaucracy. 

Since the immediate danger of extinction by exaltation was over, the Nexus was business as usual. It was back to justifying resources and costs, especially for Ryder. That’s because she was the only Pathfinder that actually could find paths thanks to the Tempest. Lexi had tried to explain it to him once, it mostly went in one ear canal and out the other. It went something like this, Ryder was paid regularly so did all the crew who were officially assigned to the Tempest. That left 4 of them who were paid from a budget that the Nexus had left the management of to Ryder. Jaal didn’t count since the Resistance paid his salary. The budget had to cover all other expenses as well, this included food, supplies, ammo, medi-gel and the list went on and on. Drack remembered yawning a lot when Lexi talked about it. Drack figured as long as Ryder could make things work on time, efficiently and within budget nobody would complain. 

He kept an eye on Ryder as she walked away from him to talk in private. Obviously, she forgot he was still wearing his helmet. Krogans never had good eye sight like the turians but technology could work wonders. With a tap on his omni tool, Drack activated enhanced vision. He watched as the fur on her forehead twitched and drew closer to each other. She raised her voice once before immediately stopping like she was interrupted. The call wasn’t long. Ryder tapped her mic as she made her way back to Drack. “Guys, pick up the pace, I am being summoned back to the Nexus,” Ryder said. “We are leaving as soon as the Tempest gets here.”

“What about the medical supplies? Weren’t we supposed to get them back to Prodromos?” Vetra asked via the comms. 

“That’s got to wait till after,” Ryder replied, her voice tight. 

“Enough chit chat, people,” Cora said. “Our Pathfinder got places to go.”

Drack kept an eye on the kid the entire way back to the Tempest. She rubbed the back of her neck as the familiar sour tang floated over to him. He realised they never did finish the conversation. 

* * *

The Tempest docked at her usual spot and Ryder was off the ship minutes after. Cora had wanted to go with her to the meeting. Ryder had refused. She exchanged a look with Jaal while the 3 of them stood in her quarters as the Tempest made her way back to the Nexus. "Stop," Ryder said, annoyed. "Don't think I didn't see that."

"Sara, one of us should go with you," Jaal said as he held his hands up placatingly. 

Somehow the gesture infuriated Ryder even more. "Firstly, you," Ryder said as she pointed at Jaal. "Are not officially part of the Pathfinder team, you are officially liaison between the Resistance and me. You can't possibly be allowed into the meeting anyway."

"And you," Ryder said as she shifted her finger over to Cora. "Are my second. I can't let any of this blow back on you. Whatever _this_ is."

Jaal's eyes hardened. He knew as far as the Initiative was concerned he was just attached to the Pathfinder to better angara relations and to smooth out any cultural differences that cropped up. The Resistance had even attached a member of the Resistance to the other Pathfinder teams. It still hurt that Ryder pointed it out in such stark terms. Even with the Moshae acting as the Interim Ambassador, the Nexus leadership was stuck in their old ways. He remembered Evfra put it as welcoming you with open arms but keeping you at an arm's length at the same time. Jaal couldn't help but to agree. He glanced at Cora again and saw Ryder's brow furrowed. 

"Again with the look. I'm right here you know," she pointed out. "Both of you know I am right so just hang out on the Tempest or go on some R&R. I don't want to fight you two before I see Tann."

Ryder spat the name out as if it tasted foul in her mouth. And that was that. The meeting was adjourned. Ryder sat heavily down on the sofa, utterly deflated while Jaal joined her there. She kneaded her temples as she sighed. "Headache?" He asked.

She nodded wordlessly. “Sorry about just now. I’m not looking forward to the meeting," Ryder confessed.

"That’s obviously enough." 

He pulled Ryder towards him, leaning her head against his chest. His warm fingers pushed hers aside as he massaged her head, giving her a slight bio-electricity charge as he went along. Ryder sighed, this time a sound of comfort and relief. She almost seemed to melt into him. For a while, both of them relaxed on the sofa in silence. He with his nimble fingers pressing and pushing in all the right spots, she with her eyes closed trusting him to do all the right things. "I think this was the other shoe," Ryder said. 

"Other shoe?" he asked, concentrating on the sides of her head. 

"Another human idiom." Ryder explained, "To wait for the other shoe to drop is basically to wait for something seemingly inevitable to happen." 

"In this case, it is very appropriate."

"Hmmm… I thought so," Ryder said, opening her eyes. 

Jaal stared into her amber eyes, he swore he almost fell into the pools of warmth. "You win," she said.

Jaal blinked. "What?"

"Oh is it not a starring contest?" she asked, laughing. 

Ryder sat up and moved away. He couldn't help but feel a little hollow when she did that. "I got to get ready. Seeing Tann in a hoodie wouldn't do."

Jaal watched as she got dressed. Her skin pale and pink, her body alternating hard muscle and soft curves. He was almost disappointed when her skin disappeared under the Initiative jacket. The Tempest shuddered slightly as the docking VI took over. Ryder moved towards the door when Jaal reached out to hold her arm. With a questioning look she turned towards him, Jaal didn't bother with an explanation, he just kissed her. His rougher tongue seeking her smooth and pliable one. They curled and tangled like a dance between two serpents. By the time they finally broke for air, both of them were gasping. "For luck," he whispered. 

* * *

"Ryder!"

She spun around to find a familiar asari heading towards her. "Keri T’Vessa," Ryder greeted. "What can I do for you?"

"I need a comment from the Shield of Meridian," she said.

Ryder winced inwardly. "What about?"

She was fond of Keri and had even helped her out of a jam when she was arrested over the documentary she was making. After Meridian, it seemed that all the reporters that were on ice were all thawed at the same time. After recuperating from her injuries sustained during the fight on Meridian, she was constantly hounded by them. Luckily, things have died down since then but Ryder’s face along with the other Pathfinders were plastered everywhere on the Nexus. _Anything for a bit of good PR._ Even the sleepers during the fight on Meridian were aware of who she was and now she couldn’t step on the Nexus without eyes following her everywhere. 

“There have been increasing reports of various outposts being hacked and attacked by a terrorist group,”

Ryder nodded, remembering reading some reports to that effect. 

“I have some sources that say they call themselves Perseus. Do you have any comments regarding that?”

She frowned, she had no time for this but the increasing attacks was a worrying sign and it was a fair question. “Perseus, doesn’t sound too dangerous for a group that’s doing so much damage.”

Keri shrugged, “I’ve done some research, it seemed Perseus is a Greek mythology figure and he is married to Andromeda.”

She frowned harder, she had to cut this short. “I’m sorry, Keri I’ve honestly never heard of Perseus,” she replied honestly. “If you don’t mind, I have a meeting to get to.”

As she turned to leave, Keri said, “There also have been rumours about a certain incident on Ryder-01,”

Ryder turned back to Keri to find her asari eyes pinning her down. 

_Don’t react. don’t react…_

“I don’t hear a question there, Keri,” she replied as evenly as she could. 

“Dr. Mateo has accused you of failing to protect the citizens of Heleus,” Keri replied. “Do you have anything to say regarding that accusation?”

Ryder’s jaw tightened. Words were crowding around in her mouth, threatening to spew forth without thought but the situation was fragile at best. She had no wish to make things worse by running her mouth. “I have nothing to say,” Ryder blurted out in the end. “I’ve got to go.”

With that Ryder fled. She knew Keri was taking it easy on her. If Keri was asking questions, Ryder knew the other reporters would not be far behind. 

Ryder entered Tann’s office and paused. His secretary wasn’t there, it was a new human male sitting there now. She shrugged, it has nothing to do with her anyway. Mounting the steps in twos, she strode over to Tann’s desk. _It’s best to just get it over with._

* * *

“Took you long enough, Ryder,” Tann said, calmly but his voice sounded higher pitched than usual. 

She didn’t bother to answer and plopped down into the chair. Ryder didn’t have the heart to retort, she was tired, just being in the same room was tiring enough. “So where’s the fire?” she asked. 

“No fire, just an unofficial mission.” 

“That sounds like a fire to me,” she replied, eyes narrowing. 

Tann's calm exterior shattered as he began to paced the room. Ryder’s eyes followed his every movement. Left to right, right to left and repeat. She wasn’t about to make it easier for him. 

“Ryder, you have plenty of experience dealing with the angaras,” Tann began. 

Ryder kept her mouth shut, waiting to see where he was going with this. As silence tend to do, it begged to be filled, Tann caved first. “There are no N7, no Spectres, no STG here. The Pathfinders are the best we got. And you are the Shield.”

_What the fuck?_ A spear of cold fear struck Ryder. _Why the hell does he need Spectres?_

“There are asari commandos though, well ex-commandos if you want to be accurate,” Ryder retorted, just to say something. 

Tann just stared at her. Ryder stifled a sigh and asked, "So what is this mission?"

Tann told her. Once he was done, she could barely contain her anger. _Of all the stupid idiotic things to bring over from the Milky Way, we brought our stupidity over, all of it._

"So why me?" she asked, pinching the bridge of her nose, "Why not Raeka? She has an angara liaison with her as well.“

“You are familiar with Havarl and you have a better working relationship with your liaison,” Tann said, hinting surreptitiously at her relationship with Jaal. 

"Sure. Maybe. Not because this is a fucking dangerous, fucking stupid mission? Not because the human Pathfinder is dispensable and you are completely happy to throw her and her team into the fire?”

Tann cleared his throat pointedly. "No."

"Really?"

Both of them stood stock still while they glowered at each other across the table. "You owe me, Ryder."

_Fuck! There is it, the other fucking shoe._ She looked away. 

_There was no way I could refuse, even if I did what good does it do? Tann, fucking got us, all of us into a fucking bloody mess._

”Fine," she agreed as if she had any choice in the matter at all. She could almost feel his smirk of satisfaction stretching his mouth wider. "Send me the co-ordinates. But we are done after this, no more unofficial missions.“ 

Tann nodded, schooling his features into some semblance of professionalism. “I’ll have my secretary send you the details,” he said. 

As Ryder left, she said, “SAM, let the crew know shore leave is officially cancelled. I expect everyone to be back on board the Tempest in one standard hour."

"Acknowledged, Pathfinder. Message disseminated."

**Lyrics taken from[Organs by Of Monsters and Men](https://open.spotify.com/track/62vDCCC5U6RGeSjeXD4WP3)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! They are always appreciated!


	7. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What!” Jaal shouted.
> 
> Ryder winced. Bad was an understatement, it’s probably closer to catastrophic. Still, Ryder had a tiny silver of hope, she might be able to fix it, make it less bad. She had to try, she couldn’t just let the chips fall where they may. _Maybe, maybe but I need time._ Keeping an eye on Jaal, she wondered if he would allow her the time to contain the fallout. 
> 
> “Yeah,” Ryder acknowledged. “It’s bad.”
> 
> “It’s cluster fuck, Ryder!” Cora said, her voice also raising. 
> 
> “I know, I know,” Ryder rubbed her hand over her face, as a headache started to form behind her eyes. “Tann royally screwed up, screwed everyone over but I need to do this, otherwise I can’t even begin to fix things.” 

# Chapter 7 - Trust

Ryder headed towards the docking bay as quickly as her feet took her. The muscles along her jaw twitched as she gritted her teeth, biting back a growl. She had to tell Jaal. Hiding things from him would be stupid but she needed time to fix things. _Would he give it to me? Can I even ask him for that? Fuck!_ She pictured her fingers wrapping around Tann’s throat, choking the breath out of him but it didn’t make her feel any better. Ryder found a mob of reporters waiting for her just outside the Tempest’s docking bay. _Great, the day is just getting better and better._

One of them spotted her and it didn’t take long before the entire gaggle were swarming over. “11 deaths on your watch, Pathfinder, do you have any excuses for yourself? Pathfinder, what do you have to say for yourself? As the Shield, how could you have let this happen? Pathfinder Ryder, do you have anything to say to Dr. Mateo,” 

On and on the questions came incessantly. Ryder’s temper was completely frayed and her patience was at an end. “Out of the way!” Ryder yelled. 

The crowd that gathered around her shrank back from her as if afraid. _Fuck._ Ryder realised she had flared. _fuck… Fuck. FUCK!_ Quickly as it came, she let the energy go and strode through the crowd before any of them gathered their wits to follow. 

“What’s was the commotion out there?” Cora asked as she entered the Tempest. 

“Just a bunch of reporters,” Ryder muttered under her breath, her brow bunched together. 

Cora narrowed her eyes, sure there was more Ryder didn’t say. “So what did Tann want?” Jaal asked as he entered the bridge. 

Ryder raised a hand up to stop Jaal’s question, she said, “SAM, is Kallo on board the Tempest?”

“No, Ryder. He had left the Tempest when you declared shore leave,” SAM replied. 

“Would you please let him know to prep for departure when he gets back?”

“Yes, Ryder.”

“Thank you SAM.” she said before turning back to Cora and Jaal. “My quarters?”

Cora nodded. 

* * *

“What!” Jaal shouted.

Ryder winced. Bad was an understatement, it’s probably closer to catastrophic. Still, Ryder had a tiny silver of hope, she might be able to fix it, make it less bad. She had to try, she couldn’t just let the chips fall where they may. _Maybe, maybe but I need time._ Keeping an eye on Jaal, she wondered if he would allow her the time to contain the fallout. 

“Yeah,” Ryder acknowledged. “It’s bad.”

“It’s cluster fuck, Ryder!” Cora said, her voice also raising. 

“I know, I know,” Ryder rubbed her hand over her face, as a headache started to form behind her eyes. “Tann royally screwed up, screwed everyone over but I need to do this, otherwise I can’t even begin to fix things.” 

“Ryder, you can’t fix this. The trust is broken. How can we trust you if this is what you are do behind our backs? You know how hard it was to convince Evfra and the others that the Milky Way people came in peace. You were there!”

“I know, I really do,” she sighed. “I got to try. I have to. We all live here now. I don’t want this to be the slippery slope to open hostilities.”

Cora paced. “Goddess, why did Garson died and put him in charge? Sending a team of salarians to Havarl! Under Goddess damned false pretenses!”

Ryder squeezed the bridge of her nose. Cora wasn’t saying anything she didn’t thought about. “And to do what? To look for goddess damned eezo,” Cora practically yelled as she threw her arms in the air in exasperation.

“This is a critical security breach of Havarl,” Jaal said, his voice trembled, barely containing his anger. “I’ve got to inform the Moshae and Evfa.”

He stood up to head out but Ryder pulled on his arm. He looked at her questioningly. “Jaal, please just hear me out,” Ryder pleaded. 

“Ryder, where are you going with this?” Jaal asked warily. “Are you asking me to betray my people?”

“No, no, no,” Ryder said, shaking her head. “I’m not asking you to do that. I am just asking you for a chance to fix this before it gets worse. I need time.”

Jaal looked away, anger clear on his face. “This is a huge breach of trust. My home world has welcomed all of you with open arms but you came to steal from us,” Jaal spit the words, a spike of bio-electricity sparked in the air. 

A sharp pain traveled up her arm at the spike. She hunched her shoulders, taking every single word Jaal said like a knife stab. She didn’t look away and accepted Jaal’s anger completely. “Ancestors knows what else is going on, authorised by one of your Nexus leaders!” He shook her arm off. “You are asking too much, Pathfinder.”

Ryder’s breath hitched as she took a step back Jaal. She pulled her arm back, numb from the bio-electricty that shot up her arm. _So I am the Pathfinder now. Guess I deserved it._ “I know this is might be more than a single greedy politician angling for a little payback. This is a breach of trust but I just want to have the chance to fix this internally before going public.”

Cora shuffled a little as she watched them. She knew Jaal was torn between Ryder and his people. This wasn’t a decision he should ever had to make but here they were. On the other hand, Ryder had her duty as a Pathfinder. She had to ask, she had to try to fix things. If Ryder had left things be, it would have been an utter waste of their efforts since arriving in Heleus. Distrust breed paranoia and it wouldn’t take much to lump the rest of them with the kett. Cora sighed. _It’s an utter cluster fuck. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t._ She didn’t envy the position Ryder was in. 

“I’m asking you for time. Give me time to get the salarians out of Havarl and then approach the rest of the Nexus leadership to remove Tann from his position,” Ryder pleaded. “This is one bad apple, we are not all rotten. Give me a chance to fix this.”

Jaal stood stiffly on the threshold of Ryder’s quarters. His light blue almost grey eyes that she had always loved looked at her so coldly. Ryder locked eyes with him. It’s the least she could do to show him her sincerity. “What if I say no,” Jaal asked. 

Ryder looked away. Scenarios ran through her mind. There was plenty she could do. She could get SAM to shut down all outgoing transmissions and seal the Tempest. _But will I?_ “Jaal, please,” Ryder begged. “Don’t make me choose.”

“You see what you are asking of me?” he said, his voice curt and sharp like broken glass, with that he walked out. 

Ryder sagged against the wall. “What the fuck do I do, Cora?”

Cora leaned next to Ryder and took her hand into her own. Giving it a squeeze, Cora said, “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“I can order SAM to cut all outgoing comms, seal the exits. I can do all that. I think I will if it’s to keep things from going crazy but this is not my fucking mess!” Ryder cried, thumping a fist against the wall. 

Her rage towards Tann and the situation he got them into boiled over. She knew in her hearts of heart, despite it all, she would choose the greater good over Jaal every single fucking time. _Do I really love him if I am capable of considering that?_

Ryder didn’t want to but she had to talk to Jaal again. _Am I even giving him a choice? It’s not really a choice is it? If I will stop him if he decides wrong._ Her heart clenched at that thought. _Fuck, I am no better than Tann. I am actually breaking his trust by even asking. What the fuck is wrong with me?_

Still her steps never falter, she knew what she must do. Her loyalty clear, her brain overruling her heart. “SAM, where’s Jaal?” she asked. 

“He is in the tech lab, Ryder.”

Ryder’s feet stopped outside the tech lab, her hand hovering over the holo-lock. It trembled slightly. She drew her fingers into a fist and straightened her back before hitting the holo-lock. Jaal’s back was facing her. She could tell he had his arm up, the arm with the omni tool implant. _Is he sending a message? Am I too late?_ “Jaal,” she called out, reaching out to turn him around.

“How do you know who to trust?” he asked without turning around, his voice quiet, his finger hovering over his omni tool. “How do you know this isn’t done with the knowledge of the entire leadership?”

Her hand hovered in the air not quite touching Jaal. Ryder took a deep breath, she hadn’t consider that but still she couldn’t picture anyone else on the leadership doing that. _Am I just biased?_ “We can trust Kesh. At least I trust her,” she pleaded. “Please, I need time.”

“How long?” Jaal asked. “How long must I risk my people for yours?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Weeks? Months? Give me something, Ryder. You’re asking a lot of me. I want the partnership between the angaras and the Milky Way species to work as much as you but this is at the expense of my people,” Jaal pointed out. 

Ryder closed her eyes and did a quick calculation in her head. _Weeks seemed possible but knowing Tann he wouldn’t just go down without a fight. I have to gather evidence without letting him know what’s going on._ “Weeks,” Ryder said. “8 weeks?”

It was Jaal’s turn to grimace. _It’s Havarl we’re talking about, not a colony planet like Voeld, it’s my home world._ He had the security of his home world to consider. He trusted Ryder implicitly but the Nexus leadership didn’t give him with much confidence. “I can’t give you weeks,” Jaal said. “Ryder, you have to understand I have my people to think about.”

Ryder nodded. She understood. He had his duties and she had hers. “48 hours, get the salarians out.”

She sagged a little against the desk behind her, huffing slightly before straightening. Her shoulders took on a familiar set that wasn’t there since Meridian. Ryder rolled her shoulders but she felt utterly drained. She couldn’t ask more from Jaal. _48 hours isn’t much but I’ll have to make it work._ She turned to leave, as her feet reached the threshold she heard Jaal call out. 

“What would you have done if I had said no?”

Ryder stiffened. She kept her back turned towards Jaal. “Don’t ask me that, Jaal.”

She turned back to Jaal, their eyes locked. For a moment there, all he saw was the Pathfinder, there was no trace of Ryder, let alone Sara. The Pathfinder was the one who was relentless, whose mission was always paramount. Sara was nowhere to be found, not in her clenched fists, not in the stiff shoulders and neck, not in her eyes.

“Thank you, Jaal. Good night.”

With that Ryder left and the door closed over her back. Jaal sank into his chair. It was clear to him the Pathfinder would have stopped him from transmitting the information at all cost, would Ryder? Would Sara? _Where does this leave us?_

* * *

“SAM, could you bring up the latest scan we have of Havarl?” Ryder said as she entered her quarters. 

She turned to her music system and hit shuffle. Music had always helped to calm herself down to put some distance between her emotions and her mind. Strings thrummed from the speakers and Ryder closed her eyes.

Cora had left the room sometime after she went after Jaal. The room felt empty, cold and just too big. Her eyes gazed at the couch where they had the movie night a lifetime ago. Her body was drawn to the bed where Jaal had comforted her, held her, opened himself up to her and her back to him. She sank down onto the bed, her breaths grew heavy as she tried to keep her emotions under control. _I can’t lose it, I can’t. There is no time to lose it._

The rhythm of the music picked up, the banjo rang in the background. And the voice sang her heart.

_But it was not your fault but mine_

_And it was your heart on the line_

_I really fucked it up this time_

_Didn't I, my dear?_

_Didn't I, my…_

“Ryder,” SAM’s voice broke through her thoughts. “Are you all right?”

His voice was filled with concern. It broke the wall Ryder was frantically building within herself. “No…,” her voice broke as her shaking hand clamped over her mouth to choke back a sob. “No, I’m not.”

“What you have done is best way forward, Ryder,” SAM said. “The needs of the many outweigh the one.”

Ryder wrapped her arms around herself and laid on her side. “The humans, asaris, turians, korgans and salarians need the good relationship with the angaras to continue to thrive here in Heleus. What you are doing is necessary.” SAM’s voice went on. “I’m sorry it hurts you.”

Though her body shook with dry heaves, her face was dry. She could spare no tears, no pity for herself, not now when she had a job to do. Not when she was the one who picked the road she set her feet on. She had a mission to plan. Her shaking stilled and her emotions were shunted to a corner of her mind. Ryder picked herself up from the bed and sat at her desk.

“I’m sorry,” SAM repeated. 

* * *

Ryder rubbed her eyes. They were sandy and red from the lack of sleep. She made her way to the gallery to grab a couple ration bars. Unwrapping one, she stuffed it into her mouth. Chewing and swallowing the dry and crumbly bar brought her no pleasure, it was just the mechanical need to fuel her body. _I really need to sleep._

“SAM, what’s the ETA to Havarl?” she asked, moving onto her second bar. 

“Estimated time of arrival to Havarl is 15 hours,” SAM replied. 

“Thank you, SAM,” she replied, leaning her head against the back of the bench, Ryder closed her eyes. _Just rest my eyes_

Jaal walked into the gallery intending to make a cup of tea for himself. He had acquired a liking for the hot beverage after watching Ryder consumed cups after cups of flavoured water. The door slid open and he stopped in his tracks when he saw Ryder seated on the bench with her eyes closed. Her head lolled a little to her left, snoring lightly. There was a half eaten ration bar still in her hand. 

He moved towards the counter, hands moving in practised motions. It wasn’t long before he was sipping a cup of hot mint tea. He enjoyed the tingly feeling mint left on his tongue. Leaning back against the counter he looked at Ryder. She had cloistered herself in her quarters for the past day, clearly planning the mission. He frowned at the thought. Taking a deep breath, Jaal tried to let the anger go but it didn’t help. He was angry but he still cared for Ryder, even the Pathfinder if it came down to it. Taking another sip, he watched Ryder’s eyes rolled rapidly under her eye lids. He remembered reading in the materials provided by the Nexus months ago, this meant she was dreaming. It didn’t look particularly restful to him. She frowned, her fingers twitched before Ryder jerked awake. For a split second, Jaal saw utter fear on her face as the dream haze slowly faded from her eyes. A half uttered shout was stranded on the tip of her open mouth. 

Ryder blinked and realised Jaal was standing in front of her. “Hey,” she said, giving him a tentative smile as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. 

Jaal just nodded but didn’t return her smile. Her own faltered and fell. Reaching to the back of her neck, she rubbed it uncomfortably. “I should go,” Ryder said as she stood up and ducked her head.

Jaal watched her disappearing back again as the door closed. Sighing, he turned back and realised Ryder had left her half eaten ration bar on the table. 

* * *

“All right,” Ryder said. “I won’t mince words. This is a fucked up mission. There will be blow back for this without a doubt. I’ll only want volunteers for this.”

Resting her arms against the console, she turned to Cora. “Sorry, Cora, you don’t really get a choice here. You are definitely going to be part of the mission.”

Cora shrugged, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Smells like pyjack shit to me, kid.” Drack said, “What’s going on?”

“Sorry gramps, need to know only. All of you need deniability,” Ryder said folding her arms across her chest. “so unless you are volunteering…”

“Of course, I’m going, kid. You can’t do shit without me anyway.”

Ryder laughed. “You’re right. I won’t say I mind having your shotgun around.”

One by one, each of the crew affirmed their willingness to see the mission through even though Ryder provided them with scant details. She smiled tightly at the confidence of the crew. Worrying her index finger over thumb she felt a sting of pain, Ryder grimaced she didn’t realised she had rubbed a blister into her thumb. She just didn’t feel adequately prepared in the remotest sense of the word. Marshalling the Pathfinder mask, she stood taller and straighter. “All right, I thank you all for your confidence,” she said. “Let’s get down to business.”

Ryder gestured at the console and SAM brought up the map. She went through the gist of the mission. The surprise and shock at Tann’s deception didn’t go unremarked. Most of them maintain a semblance of professionalism to keep their mind on the mission. Jaal nodded at the team for their shared outrage. Silently, Ryder thanked Jaal for trusting her enough to risk his position but she cannot allow him to run the risk of liability. 

Turning to face Jaal, Ryder said, “Jaal, you can’t come for the mission. You cannot risk your position in the Resistance for this.”

Jaal’s neck flushed a deeper purple in silent anger. He opened his mouth to protest but Ryder raised a hand up. “I think I can represent the entire crew and thank you giving us the time to fix this. However, if you are part of the ground team, you will have a hard time explaining to Evfra and the Moshae over why you delayed informing them. I can’t ask you to risk anything else for what’s an obviously our mess to clear.”

Jaal sighed. Ryder was right and he knew it. Things would be more than difficult to explain. Finally he acquiesced, “I don’t like it but your words make sense.”

A little tension eased from Ryder’s shoulders, it was as if she had expected him to fight him on it. Jaal watched as Ryder went on with her briefing. Though she was just standing just across the console from him, he felt there was a wide chasm between them. Since Ryder told him about Tann’s deception, Jaal felt lost, adrift. 

His job was clear when he was at the Resistance. Things were obviously dangerous then but extremely straight forward. See Kett, kill Kett. Then, when he had joined the Tempest, it was a change for sure but still pretty straight forward. Observe the Pathfinder, see Kett, kill Kett. It was infinitely more dangerous when they chase the Archon but essentially the same job he had been doing. He learnt much of the Milky Way species along the way. Observing turned into assisting and falling for the Pathfinder. 

Now, as he watched the human he had come to cherished, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Ryder betrayed nothing of the uncertainty he was feeling. Other than for their chance encounter in the galley, she looked utterly calm and sure. He was angry. Angry at the security risk this posed for the angara on their home world and ancestors know where else, angry at the mess Tann had created, and irrationally, angry at Ryder for the control she seemed to have.

“Any questions?” Ryder asked, looking at each of the crew in turn. 

She didn’t leave him out even though he wasn’t going to go on the mission. Silently, Jaal scolded himself, he had allowed his mind to wander during the briefing. He hadn’t heard a single word, Ryder had said. _What possible questions can I have?_ He returned her gaze as evenly as he could. 

Ryder nodded, mutely reading anger in Jaal’s eyes. She accepted his anger stoically and prayed the mission went as planned. “You all have your part to play. I don’t have to tell you this could blow up in all our faces regardless how the mission goes,” she said. “But know that I am proud of all of you.”

Drack snorted, “Kid, you are too young to be proud of me.”

The crew laughed. Ryder joined in, every bit the confident Pathfinder that was the Shield of Meridian. Jaal was watched on, apart and yet a part of the crew, floating upon the sea of uncertainty and lost with his human anchor. 

**Lyrics taken from[Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons](https://open.spotify.com/track/6b5rA9rthDbZDOQp9UbOgl)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos! Things are heating up now. I hope you all like where this is going.


	8. Gates of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making her customary check again, she found Jaal watching them from the upper deck. Ryder stared at him for a moment as an intense longing for his touch swept over her. Her eyes took in his calm expression. His eyes felt so cold like there was ice in his veins. She couldn’t help but felt like she had already lost him. _Maybe I have._ Ryder felt words crowding the tip of her tongue but she clenched her jaw and turned away.
> 
>  
> 
> _What was there to say? Nothing. At least not till we get the salarians off Havarl._

It wasn’t the first time Ryder cursed the intel that Tann had provided. Tann’s name was strung along in a long continuous line of expletives that had a lot of “fucks” in it before, during and after the planning stage. 

Ryder could probably recite the mission details in her sleep, not that she had much to go with. Mission objective? That was made very clear by Tann, get the salarians team off Havarl now, yesterday, 5 days ago. Ryder wished she could strangle Tann before he even _had_ the idea.

The team Tann sent was a mixed group of scientists and soldiers. Their distress beacon wasn’t activated but they had missed their once a day check in with Tann. By her count, it was at least 5 days since their last check in. That was a lot of time to get in trouble. Ryder had fervently prayed it was only a matter of faulty equipment but she was more realistic than that. 5 standard days was more than enough time to get the hell out of dodge, find some secure comm equipment and check in. What’s more possible was the team being ambushed but by who or what? Ryder didn’t have to research to know it’s only the Remnant and Roekaar active on Havarl. The stray wildlife shouldn’t pose a threat to a team with trained professionals.

She had briefed her team, according to the intel there were only two likely locations for the salarian team to be holed up in. Ryder had made the same judgement given the location of the team’s last check in. The Chasm of the Builders and the Ancient Courtyard was a lot of ground to cover with just one 6-person team. Ryder didn’t like it but she had to split the team. Glancing at the chronometer on her omni tool, Ryder saw her 48 hours was mostly up. She just had another 6 hours to land drop Cora’s team at the Chasm while her team would take the Nomad to check out the Courtyard. With the Nomad, Ryder was pretty confident she could clear the location quickly and help with the sweep along the Chasm. 

Sighing, she tossed the datapad onto her table. Ryder couldn’t bring herself to go through the mission plan another time. Her room was a mess. Her bed unmade, her table overflowing with datapads. Her neck and shoulders were sore from sitting hunched over her table. Checking her chronometer again, she had a little more time before she had to prep. Rummaging through debris on her table, she fished out a small notebook, complete with real dead tree paper. The thin and light paper crinkled and crackled as she flipped. Running her hand over the filled pages, her fingers traced the bumps and dips her handwriting had pressed into the paper. Thoughts and fears swirled around in her mind. Journalling had always been her method of exorcising her demons, literally pinning them down with pen on paper.

Her hand reached for _the pen_. It belonged to her grandmother which belonged to her grandmother and so on and on. It’s a real family heirloom, this small and light fountain pen was hand crafted and lacquered. Layers upon layers of lacquer were applied and then polished to achieve a high gloss. The fountain pen was mostly black with the inner layers of red lacquer showing through on the edges and where it was particularly worn. The gold nib gleamed under the star light streaming in from the open windows.

Ryder twirled the red and black faceted fountain pen with practised ease. She didn’t have large hands so the smaller shape of the pen didn’t bother her. Flipping the pages to the last entry, she snorted. Apparently her last entry was the night before she had to enter the cryo-pod back while she was still on the Citadel, back when the adventure was fresh and exciting, back when her father was still alive. Reading the words she penned almost 600 years ago, the hopes and fears she had then felt so childish to her now. Ryder laughed a little at her past self. _If you only knew._

Taking a moment she gathered her thoughts and put them down onto paper. Hopefully, she would be able to lock them into paper and they won’t be rattling around her head later.

* * *

Ryder pulled her hair into a loose pony tail. _How I wish we had another Nomad lying around. It would make things much easier._ It was what it was. Pulling on her under armour, she padded out of her quarters on bare feet. The cargo bay was already filled with activity. She started buckling on her hard shell. Most of her armour posed no difficulty but as she tried to secure the back plate, she turned as she usually do to Jaal. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t even in the cargo bay. Ryder swallowed a sigh. 

“Here,” Gil said, as he buckled the clasps.

She nodded gratefully, not trusting her voice. Gil’s hands moved quickly but carefully double checking her seals. He slapped her shoulder good-naturedly when he was done. “You’re good to go,” he said. 

“Thanks, Gil,” she said as she picked up her rifle from the locker.

“Anytime, Ryder.”

After holstering her usual load out, Ryder called out, ”Kallo, what’s the ETA to the drop off?”

“10 minutes, Ryder,” Kallo replied. 

Ryder glanced at Cora who was done with her preparation. “Ready?” she asked. 

Cora nodded. With Jaal out, Cora would have Vetra and Drack with her while Ryder would take Liam and Peebee. They had agreed to maintain radio silence since their purpose on Havarl was a secret. All comms would be routed through the Tempest, allowing SAM to encrypt them before transmitting to the recipient.

The plan was as water tight as Ryder could make it given the number of variables involved, the lack of solid intel and the need for secrecy. Ryder picked up her helmet, her eyes met Drack’s as memories of the conversation they had back before this pile of flaming shit descended on them flashed in her mind. The old krogan didn’t say anything if he smelled something. If he did, Ryder didn’t have the capacity to explain herself, not now, maybe not for a long time. She pull up her playlist and put it on shuffle before pulling her helmet on. 

The song began playing.

_And the crown, it weighs heavy_

_’Til it's banging on my eyelids_

_Retreating in covers and closing the curtains_

_One thing's for certain, oh_

_A year like this passes so strangely_

_Somewhere between sorrow and bliss_

Making her customary check again, she found Jaal watching them from the upper deck. Ryder stared at him for a moment as an intense longing for his touch swept over her. Her eyes took in his calm expression. His eyes felt so cold like there was ice in his veins. She couldn’t help but felt like she had already lost him. _Maybe I have._ Ryder felt words crowding the tip of her tongue but she clenched her jaw and turned away.

_What was there to say? Nothing. At least not till we get the salarians off Havarl._

Ryder pulled herself into the driver seat as the rest piled in. The music distracted her from the nerves building at the pit of her stomach. This wasn’t normal for her, she just didn’t have a good feeling about it. Then, there was a tell tale beep in her ear of an incoming private comm transmission as the ramp was lowered. Her music cut off, a slight hiss of an open comm channel came through. For a long while, there was no sound from the other end. Ryder was about to call out, when she heard Jaal’s voice come through. “Stay strong,” 

Ryder closed her eyes, her breath caught in her throat. She wrapped his voice around her like a warm scarf, savouring his familiar deep sultry voice. “And clear.”

Her eyes snapped open but before Ryder could respond, Jaal cut the channel. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened. A small flutter of hope lifted her spirits as the ends of her mouth lifted. Taking a deep breath as she rolled her shoulders, “Let’s get the show on the road.”

* * *

Kallo took the Tempest back into orbit. No sense in the Tempest hanging around, attracting unwanted attention. Ryder stopped the Nomad at the southern edge of the chasm. Cora and her team disembarked. Neither team leader exchanged any words, none was needed. It was just a nod and Cora slammed the door shut. Ryder looked into the overhead mirror. The Nomad looked so empty with just Liam and Peebee in the back. She stepped on the accelerator and the Nomad took off. 

Ryder was constantly reminded why she never wanted to take the Nomad out in Havarl. It was next to impossible to move quickly with the Nomad. There was vegetation and plenty of wildlife hell-bent on slowing them down. Mostly the vegetation didn’t pose much of a problem, the Nomad could simply mow them down but it was also leaving a trail a mile wide. Ryder glanced at the countdown on her omni tool, the time had passed for subtle approaches. She was running out of time. 

The jungle receded as they neared the bridge. A quick visual check of the bridge told Ryder that it was more than wide enough to accommodate the Nomad. For once there was no banter in the Nomad, at least nobody engaged her in it. It felt weird but strangely appropriate for this mission. Not for the first time, Ryder wondered what’s the status with Cora’s team but she fought the temptation to contact Cora. 

As the Nomad slowly rolled onto the bridge, Ryder realised she had forgot to ask SAM for a scan on the bridge to determine its weight bearing ability. There was no help for it now, the Nomad was already two wheels on the bridge. _So far so good._ By the time they reached the mid point, Ryder was about to declare a win when suddenly there was an explosion, shouts and cries rang out, a loud crash. Then, darkness and silence.

* * *

Ryder coughed, the 5 point harness tight against her chest as she sagged against it. Her vision blurred as she opened her eyes. There was barely nothing that didn’t hurt. Ryder was sure she would have a star map of bruises to go with it. “What the fuck happened?” she croaked. 

There was no answer. _Shit._

Ryder’s face plate was shattered. Spider web lines ran across the reinforced material rendered it next to useless. Her fingers felt fat as she tried to pull her helmet off her head. The cramped quarters of an up side down Nomad didn’t help matters. The helmet fell on what was once the roof of the Nomad. She worked to unbuckled herself from the seat. The blood rushing to her head was making her feel woozy, at least that’s what she told herself.

Ryder fell head first once the last buckle was undone. She winced. “Peebee, Liam, report,” she called out. 

There was still no answer. _Fuck._

There was no room to twist around, Ryder had to get out. She kicked at the windscreen but her boot just thumped ineffectively against the reinforced material. Putting a little biotic energy in her kick, she managed to smash her way through in a kick or five. The hole wasn’t entirely ideal as she crawled through. She managed to open a long, deep line across her right check against the jagged edges of the broken windscreen. Blood trickled down in a sheet. A quick look showed that both Liam and Peebee were unconscious, hanging limply against their harnesses. 

_There will be time enough to figure out what the fuck happened once I get them out._ Ryder hoped they were just knocked cold, not seriously wounded. She worked quickly, using her biotics to tear the door off the Nomad to gain quick access. Concentrating, she shielded Peebee, keeping her in stasis as she gently Pulled her from the Nomad. 

Blue flames danced and writhed around Peebee’s limp form. Her right calf was twisted at an abnormal angle. Ryder grimaced, it’s going to hurt when Peebee woke up. Perspiration beaded her forehead in effort. With a grunt, Ryder lay Peebee down as gently as she could. Tapping on her omni tool to scan Peebee for injuries but there was no response from her trusty tool. _What the fuck?_ Omni tools were some of the galaxy’s hardiest equipment around. Everybody got their omni tool implant on either forearm as soon they were old enough. There was no way it would be _that_ damaged after the wreck.

There was no time to figure that mystery out, instead she pulled her gauntlet off and placed two fingers against Peebee’s neck. _Thank gods, I still remember my xenobiology first aid._ Ryder heaved a sigh of relief, Peebee’s pulse was strong and she was breathing on her own. 

Her training with Cora was paying off, using her biotics for a sustained effort wasn’t as hard as before but still it took effort and concentration. Ryder turned back to the Nomad and did the same for Liam. He, on the other hand _(ha!)_ , fared slightly better with a broken left arm that hung limping against his side. Taking a moment, she to catch her breath as she knelt down next to her unconscious crew. 

She frowned as she tapped on Liam’s hard shell to manually dispense the medi-gel but the suit’s on board computer was fried as well. _This is weird._ Ryder glared at the fried computer, an idea of what happened began to form in her mind. She popped the medi-gel packs from their suits and applied it on all open cuts and wounds for both of them.

Once that was settled, Ryder took a look at her surroundings. Her neck cricked as she glanced upwards at the bridge that was now towering above them. _I don’t know how we survive that fall._ Tentatively, she called out, “SAM?”

There was no answer. _Damn._ Ryder was now pretty sure it was an EMP bomb planted on the bridge which the Nomad had triggered, along with plenty of conventional explosives that blew the Nomad off the bridge. _It’s like this was a fucking trap._

“Ryder?” 

She turned, Liam was coming to. “Hey, hey,” she said, “Take it easy.”

Liam winced as his movement jarred his arm. “What happened?” he asked, hissing through the pain. 

Ryder pulled the med-kit from the Nomad and pulled out a sling. She looked at Liam, “I’m going to remove your gauntlet, we got to set your arm.”

Liam nodded. Gingerly, Ryder popped the buckles of the gauntlet. He hissed in pain as Ryder pulled the gauntlet off. “My arm is not supposed to look like this,” he groaned eyeing his left arm, bent in an unnatural way. 

“No, it’s not.”

She sheared through the tough under armour material to expose Liam’s arm. The bone hadn’t broke skin, Ryder thanked her lucky stars. She looked at Liam again. “Ready?”

“Fuck, no but yeah, let’s do it.”

Ryder took a good grip on Liam’s hand and pulled slowly with ever-increasing tension. Liam gritted his teeth as the tension pulled his bones back into alignment. He groaned as perspiration began to pouring down his face. Ryder ratcheted the tension up a couple of notches higher and Liam’s face grew ashen. Ryder wrapped Liam’s straightened arm with her biotics to freeze it in stasis. Frowned in concentration, Ryder splinted his broken arm. It was slow and excruciating work. Liam was panting heavily when Ryder finally released his arm. 

Ryder took a deep breath to release the energy she held. Carefully, she pulled a sling over Liam’s head before settling his splinted arm into it. Rummaging through the med-kit for a bit before she finally produced a syringe. “Get your cuisse off, this works better when it goes in your thigh,” Ryder instructed. 

Liam popped the buckles with a trembling hand and pulled his cuisse off. Ryder plunged the syringe down through his under armour and depressed it. It didn’t take long before Liam’s features relaxed. “Better?” she asked. 

“Yeah, much,” he said, colour returning to his face. “We fell off the bridge.”

“You’re a master of understatement,” Ryder laughed ruefully, wiping her face with the back of her hand. 

“It was probably an EMP bomb along with a bunch of regular explosive. All our electronics are fried, even SAM,” she said as she tapped the side of her head. “It must have been a strong one if it got through my skull.”

Liam laughed at the poor joke, “So we are stranded?”

Ryder nodded, grimacing slightly as perspiration stung the open cut on her cheek, “Now that’s ironic.”

She got up and pulled more splints from the Nomad. “Are you up for it? I want to set Peebee’s leg before she wakes up. It’s will be better if she wasn’t awake for this part,” Ryder said. 

“Yeah, that will not be pleasant,” Liam wincing his bone setting. “What do you need me to do?” 

Ryder cut the leg of Peebee’s under armour, all the way up to her thigh. Peebee’s blue calf was deformed. Ryder had feared that the bone might have been exposed in Peebee’s case but thankfully, it wasn’t. She pulled on Peebee’s broken leg and felt the broken bone shifted and slid back to their original position. Encasing Peebee’s leg in stasis, Ryder said in a tight voice. “Hand me the splints.”

Liam handed Ryder what she needed one handed. They worked in tandem quickly, Liam could see Ryder’s stamina flagging as her frown deepened but they got the job done. Peebee’s calf was splinted. “Are you ok, Ryder?” he asked. 

As she got up to get another syringe of painkillers from the med-kit, Ryder nodded. “I got lucky, no broken bones,” she said, laughing slightly. 

She stabbed the syringe into Peebee’s exposed thigh. Liam opened his mouth to protest that it wasn’t what he meant, when both of them heard the roar of a Rylkor followed by a burst of rifle fire. They turned to look at each other at the same time, Liam figured they had the same thought. “Cora?” he asked. 

She frowned again. It didn’t feel right. With no chronometer to double check against, neither of them had no way to gauge how much time had passed. “I’ll go check it out,” she said, pulling her Mattock from the holster. 

Liam nodded, unholstering his pistol. Ryder bit back a frustrated groan. They barely got started in their mission and it had already gone to hell. _Fix it, fix it, fix it._ On and on, her mind went. There was only one of her and a fucking shit ton of problems. _One thing at a fucking time._

It didn’t take long before Ryder spied the fallen Rylkor just ahead. She couched low among the vegetation. Voices began to drift towards her. Her eyes narrowed. The voices were a mix of flanged turians and human voices. _Who are they? What the hell is going on?_ Through the bushes and trees, she could count at least six armed mercs. There was no discernible affiliation on their armour. The fact they weren’t all angaras was a good indication these weren’t the Roekaar. _I’ll take my blessings where I can find them._ She had no wish for news for Tann’s screw up to reach Akksul’s ears until the salarians were off Havarl. 

“Nobody said anything about a hike. This is supposed to be a simple grab mission,” one of them asked. “Where is the site?

Ryder scowled. “The bomb went off without a hitch. It should just be ahead,” another replied. “Come on, we’re promised a huge pay day, you can walk a little.”

She inhaled sharply. Her intuition was right. _It’s a trap. Who’s the target? More importantly, who’s the fucking mastermind?_ As tempted as she was to allow them to pass without a confrontation. Ryder couldn’t allow it now that their motives were clear. Liam and Peebee were in no shape to hold off against the mercs. Ryder needed information, she wanted answers. She had to draw them off and hopefully pin one down for answers. _Six against one isn’t good odds, I’ll need to thin the herd a little._

Hunkering down lower, Ryder drew her Mattock quietly from the holster and flicked the safety off. She watched the mercs like a hawk, noting they was walking in a bunched up group, an excellent opportunity to lob an omni-grenade in their direction if she had one. _A shockwave would work well, if I can get them nearer._ They were talking among themselves. Ryder rolled her eyes, obviously there wasn’t a brain among the six of them. If they had kept their mouths shut, she would have a harder time evading them. _Their shit training, my gain._

Ryder waited till they were at least 50m away from her position before she aimed her rifle at the one nearest to her. Her Mattock bucked as a burst of 3 bullets left the barrel and spiralled towards the head of a human. If she had taken a frontal shot, Ryder wasn’t confident that she would be able to take his shields and him down at the same time. However, the back had weaker shields especially on the lower end hard shells. The helmet burst like a watermelon, blood and brain splattered against his comrades’ hard shells. 

The remaining mercs didn’t realised one of theirs was down until the body slumped to the ground. Ryder popped up and took another down while the mercs were twisting around in confusion. “There!” one of them shouted. 

_And the chase is on.”_ Ryder swept her Mattock in a casual spray, forcing them to take cover. Taking her chance, she took off further north. “Get her!” 

A game of cat and mouse began. All the aches and pain from the crash were quickly forgotten and replaced with the need to stay one step ahead. Her shields was taken down by a hail of bullets from behind, Ryder tucked and rolled into the bushes. She stifled her heavy breathing as she waited for her shields to regenerate. “Where is she?” one of the mercs shouted. 

“Shut up!” came the reply. “Do you want to give your position away? She is the Pathfinder, not some dumb whore.”

Ryder’s blood ran cold. _Did Tann set me up? But why?_ Mentally, she shook herself. There was no time for questions. Silently she thanked the mercs for making her job so easy, she popped up and sighted the two who had spoken and sent a harsh rain of bullets as a present. _4 down, 2 to go._

A roar filled her ears. She twisted around and saw a krogan charging towards her. _Fuck, they threw away two pawns to draw a bead on my position._ She didn’t have time to do more than rolled out of the way. The krogan clipped her shoulder and it sent her sprawling to the ground. Her shield fizzled out as her face was scratched raw against the ground. At least nothing was broken. Quick as a flash, she got her feet under her and ran. Ryder took a chance and glanced behind her. There were at least two krogans hot on her heels. _How many of them are there?_

A blaze of biotics blue snapped her attention to her left just as a Lance slammed into her shields, taking them down. The impact was enough to cause her to stumble as the krogan caught up with her. Ryder Charged hoping to evade the charging krogans. The small burst of speed took her out of range of the first but not the second. The impact threw Ryder against the Remnant pillar. She felt a crunch and then a sharp pain down her side. Her vision dimmed around the edges, she quickly blinked it away. 

Ryder Charged at the human biotic, aiming to take her out first. The merc took a step backwards in surprise. Obviously she didn’t expect her target to rush her. Ryder landed with a knee on the biotic’s stomach. Air rushed out of her lungs as Ryder discharged her Mattock into her head. A roar came from her side. Ryder raised her Barrier as the krogan collided into her side. She grunted but the Barrier held. Ryder dropped her Mattock after it clicked empty, mindful there was at least another krogan and 2 other mercs around. In one fluid motion, she drew her Carnifex and dropped her Barrier. With a practised ease, she fired 6 shots into the krogan’s head. Orange blood splattered across Ryder’s face but it barely slowed the krogan down. 

She watched as the shotgun level at her in slow motion. One claw on the trigger, slowly pulling it in. Ryder twisted, pulling her Barrier up as the shotgun boomed. Her side protesting every second. Most of the shrapnel missed, some stopped at her shields but pain flared as some broke through the hard shell and found her abdomen. The only hint of pain was a grunt from Ryder. 

Adrenaline pushed her faster and further. Ryder stretched her right hand in a swift motion with her omni blade extended. It was a quick orange glow that punched up through the krogan’s throat into his brain. Her left hand firing her pistol into his heart as he staggered back. Ryder spit the orange blood that got into her mouth. The krogan was done though he didn’t know it yet. Ryder couldn’t revel in her victory. 

“Brother!” the other krogan shouted. “I don’t care what Vidal pays me, you will die!”

Ryder’s mind raced. _This is the Collective? When did they operate outside of Kadara? On Havarl of all places._ She prepared to Charge to meet the krogan. Her amp burnt as it worked to keep up. Ryder knew her biotics was almost done, there was only so much her amp could take. It’s a fine line to straddle between pushing and pushing too hard. Ryder wasn’t looking forward to having her head blown up by her amp. Before she could complete the Charge, the two remaining turians mercs caught up with them. One of them sighted an rifle at her. Ryder watched as the weapon bucked once. There was no changing directions midway through a Charge. The bullet hit her left shoulder right on her clavicle. She felt it snapped and pain made her vision dim again. Ryder fell to the ground. 

The krogan was instantly on her. His claws around her neck. Ryder struggled to gather her biotics. The krogan lifted her up and brought her down to the ground. Once, twice and thrice. Blood pounded in her ears, her lungs burnt. Panic seized her. Her arms flailed about weakly as his grip tightened. _Fuck, this is it._ Her vision turned into a tunnel and she was engulfed in darkness. 

_Sorry, Scott._

_Sorry, Jaal._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Lyrics taken from[Too Much is Never Enough by Florence + The Machine](https://open.spotify.com/track/58ReVGi4ebvbKyKJ1wvYV0).**
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> I hope the story is heating up nicely for every one! Kudos and comments are always welcome!


	9. What Happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cora, do you read?” Kallo called. 
> 
> Cora’s voice came through clearly over the speakers. “Tempest, I’m reading you loud and clear. What’s up?”
> 
> “We’ve lost contact with Ryder’s team. Their body cams went dark after an explosion,” Kallo reported. 
> 
> Cora was silent on the other end for a moment. “We’ll stick to the mission,” she said. “The mission comes first.”
> 
> “Understood,” Kallo said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the most creative of titles but it will have to do. Thank you for the kudos and comments. Let me know where you see the story going!

“What happened?” Suvi asked, anxiety riding in her voice. 

“We lost the feed from Ryder’s team,” Kallo yelled frantically, his fingers a blur as he worked the controls.

* * *

Jaal stood at the bridge and watched as the mission unfold. It was a position he was wholly unfamiliar with. Back at the Resistance, he was always an active member, going out on missions. It’s no different when he joined the Pathfinder team. Jaal folded his arms across his chest, a little uncomfortable being there. It was like invading another person’s domain but Gil had invited him. Jaal didn’t want to give offence so he joined the rest on the bridge. Observing a mission felt really different from actually taking part in it. Watching the body cams of the rest of the ground crew gave him a tiny window on what was going on but it just wasn’t the same. 

Remembering the way Ryder looked at him earlier brought a dull ache to his chest. He was watching as she put on her armour. Jaal couldn’t bring himself to help her like he usually did. The frustration at his situation was just barely hidden under the surface. He had no wish to unleash it on anyone. The hesitation when she needed help with her back plate almost made him abandoned his self imposed distance. _This situation wasn’t of her making, why am I punishing her for it?_ The opportunity was lost when Gil took over what was originally his job. Their eyes met for a moment before she got into the Nomad but he maintained his cool. In that single instant, Jaal felt like he saw Sara for the first time in a long time. Her brown eyes were pools of determination mixed with guilt and hurt all at the same time. Leaving things the way they stood wasn’t acceptable, Jaal had to say something. Opening a private comm channel to Ryder, the words that had been on the tip of his tongue completely vanished. He listened to Ryder’s breaths on the other end before he finally blurted, “Stay strong and clear.”

Hastily he terminated the connection after that. Jaal wasn’t sure how Ryder took it. He clenched and unclenched his fists again as the reality reasserted itself in his mind. He kept his attention mostly on Ryder’s cam. It was stationary almost boring, just an ever-changing carousel of Havarl’s scenery. Unlike most missions Jaal was on, there was practically no chatter. None between the ground crew and none between the ground crew and the Tempest. The speakers only piped in the ground crew’s breaths, underlying it all was the music coming in from Ryder’s channel. 

_Where do we go from here?_

_Where do we go?_

_And is it real or just_

_Something we think we know?_

The lyrics washed over him and he tried not to overthink. His shoulders stiffened at he saw Ryder’s cam shook. There was a loud explosion before everything was cut off. Kallo’s yells followed quickly after that. “What’s going on?” Jaal asked, his arms unfolding to grip the back of Kallo’s chair. 

Kallo’s fingers moved quickly across his control panels, while Suvi said, “Ryder, come in, do you read?”

Only Ryder, Peebee and Liam’s body cams went dark. A chill ran down Jaal’s spine. He forced himself to step back and allow the others to work. He was the intruder here. A hand landed on his shoulder causing him to stifle a jump. “Hey, this is unexpected but the team has dealt with worse before,” Gil said. 

Jaal inclined his head, “Yes.”

“Peebee, come in!” Suvi said. “Damnit, Liam, come in!”

Kallo slumped back onto his seat, his fingers stilled. “I can’t get anyone of them,” Suvi reported. 

“What about Cora’s team?” Gil asked, bending down over Suvi’s chair. 

“Cora, do you read?” Kallo called. 

Cora’s voice came through clearly over the speakers. “Tempest, I’m reading you loud and clear. What’s up?”

“We’ve lost contact with Ryder’s team. Their body cams went dark after an explosion,” Kallo reported. 

Cora was silent on the other end for a moment. “We’ll stick to the mission,” she said. “The mission comes first.”

“Understood,” Kallo said. 

“Meanwhile, get SAM to try to raise any one of them on the comms and find out what’s going on,” Cora continued. “Cora, out.”

_The mission, the mission. Ancestors take the damned mission!_

“That’s it?” he asked, his voice harsh and sharp at the same time as he whirled on the others. “Are we just going to leave the others like that?” 

_She might be hurt! They all might need our help!_

“Hey, hey,” Gil said, “We are not giving up on them. They are all experienced ground crew, trust them.”

“Jaal, I’m sorry to say but Cora is right. The mission takes priority,” Kallo said. “You of all people should be able to see that.”

Gil frowned and shook his head at Kallo. “This is bigger than Ryder, than us.” Kallo continued, heedless at Gil’s warning. 

“Shut up, Kallo,” Suvi hissed. “This isn’t the time to debate this!”

Jaal took a deep breath. He could see why but not at the cost of Ryder’s safety, not at the cost of three lives. _The screw up is already done. What’s going to happen after is going to happen anyway. It’s all going to be decided at a higher pay grade. None of them had any control over the fallout. Not a single one of them, no matter what anyone of them thought._ Jaal left everything unsaid. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to hear it.

“SAM,” he called out instead. 

“Yes, Jaal Ama Darav.”

Jaal’s eyes narrowed. This was the first time SAM had addressed him by his full name. SAM had never done so before. “Can you contact Ryder?”

“I am unable to contact the Pathfinder at this time,” SAM replied sounding a little stiff. 

Jaal was sure SAM was less than happy with him, maybe even angry with him. The use of Ryder’s title and his full name were clear indications that something wasn’t the same. “Do you know why?”

“Based on the footage from the body cams and my inability to make contact with Ryder, I speculate they have been hit with an EMP-based attack thus rendering all electronics, including Ryder’s Pathfinder implant useless,” SAM said.

Jaal’s eyes narrowed. Something about the entire mission was off. 

* * *

“SAM,” Cora said. 

“Yes, Cora?” SAM’s answer came immediately.

“Is the Pathfinder’s authority still with Ryder?”

“Yes.”

“Thanks, SAM,” Cora said as she pushed her worry for Ryder’s team out of her mind. _Ryder’s still alive._

She had a mission to complete. “Come on, move out.”

Drack and Vetra fell in behind her easily. “What was that about?” Drack asked, lumbering easily at the pace she set. 

“The Tempest lost contact with Ryder’s team,” Cora replied. 

“What?” Vetra exclaimed. 

Cora shook her head, preempting any call to rescue the other team. “The mission comes first,” she said, her eyes hardening. _Ryder would understand. She would have done the same._

“The kid has a quad, she will be able to keep the others out of trouble,” Drack said, almost comfortingly at Vetra. 

Cora didn’t speak but silently she hoped so too. 

Three hours in, Cora was beginning to think there’s literally no end in sight. With Ryder’s team missing, they would have to cover the Courtyard as well. Add to that they didn’t have the Nomad, covering the distance would be a problem. So far all they had encountered were the random stray Remnant and indigenous wildlife. They had avoided combat as much as they could so far much to Drack’s disappointment.

“I hear something,” Drack said. 

Cora slowed down, allowing the others to catch up with her. “What is it?”

“A battle,” Drack said. “From the north-west.”

Vetra paused, tapping on her omni tool for a bit. “I hear it too,” she confirmed. 

Drack laughed. “Humans have such useless ears. Krogans don’t even need external ears to hear better than you humans.”

Cora rolled her eyes inwardly. “It might be the salarians, come on we’ve got to investigate.”

The team picked up the pace. It was only a couple of hundred metres later, Cora started picking up the noise of turrent fire. The sound were leading them out of the Chasm towards where they found Rix. It felt like a lifetime ago that first time they were on Havarl searching for the turian Pathfinder. Cora tightened her grip on her shotgun. 

Using hand signals, Cora ordered the others to spread out. Bunching up on Havarl was a bad idea especially when there wasn’t much space to work with. Drack and Vetra nodded their acknowledgements and they spread out. Drack moving up the left while Vetra took the right. Cora took the open road with her biotics and shotgun ready. 

The sounds were getting louder but more sporadic. _Are they running low on ammo? After five days, they must be._ Cora picked up the pace. As she moved passed the vegetation towards the old turian camp site, she was confronted by a sight she never thought possible. There were bodies of Challyrions, Rylkors and Eirochs littered across the killing field. The caresses were piled upon each other, all aiming towards the camp. _What the hell happened here?_

She saw two salarians working furiously to repair the turrets set up to take down the Havarl native wildlife. Before she could call out to them, she heard a roar and then the ground rumbled. A pair of Eirochs broken through the trees and were headed towards the camp. Their cries were mingled with a series of smaller but no less ferocious ones. There was no need for stealth now. Her team had found what they came to. “Drack, Vetra take them out!”

Cora Charged in with her shotgun blazing. “About time!” Drack roared as he pumped round after round from his shotgun at a nearby Challyrion. The beast literally exploded under Drack’s assault. The krogan was bathed in Challyrion blood and he smiled. Vetra’s pinpoint sniper shots made quick work of the Rylkor behind Cora. Cora Charged past the Eirochs, turning around to treat them to a mouthful of shotgun rounds as she did so. “Work faster!” she urged the pair of techs. 

One of them snorted. “What do you think I’m doing?”

Cora snorted, if they had the wherewithal to snark, they would be fine. It didn’t take long, the turrets were up and running and turning the wildlife into wild-dead. “Will the turret be enough?” she asked, turning to the tech closest to her. 

“Yes, we just have to make sure that they are up at all times,” she said. “Who are you?”

“Cora Harper, on the Pathfinder team,” Cora said introducing herself. “My squad, Drack and Vetra.”

The salarian tech nodded, “Zersall Ijia, let me take you to my captain.”

* * *

“Is that even possible?” Cora asked. 

Suvi’s voice came through her omni tool, confirming the wild theory that Ijia had proposed to her commander. “Yes, it is possible for some auditory emitters to attract wildlife to a certain location. Maybe it isn’t to attract them per se but to drive them crazy and to attack anything in the area of effect. It might be an natural phenomenon for Havarl. Some seismic activities could be the cause.”

Cora stared at the map in front of her. All eyes were on her. She fought a shudder. _Is this the pressure Ryder always feel?_ Cora had led missions before, during her time with the Alliance and then later with Talein's Daughters but nothing with this much riding on it. She couldn’t imagine how Ryder managed not to break under the pressure when they were chasing the Archon.

The salarian team of six were all alive and accounted for. Some much worse for wear than others but they had held up well considering they were under constant stress. Every single one of them had dull eyes, that’s not something anyone would associate with a healthy salarian. All of them looked like they could use a good night’s sleep. “Well Harper, is my engineer crazy or what?” Zaex demanded, eyes large, round and very short on patience. 

Cora eyed Zaex for a moment, trying to keep her temper in check. The frustration about the mission should be directed at Tann, there was no reason to take it out on a salarian just following his orders. “Zaex, we’ll need a better map than what you have,” she said evenly, “SAM, can you do a scan of our area?” 

There was a brief pause. A bead of perspiration rolled down her face and onto the table she was leaning over as she scanned the people gathered around her. The salarian commander stood beside Ijia the salarian engineer, next to her were Drack and Vetra and the rest of the salarian team that nobody had bother to made introductions. The salarians were covered with dirt and grime of living on the field while Drack and Vetra looked calm and relaxed. Cora knew the calm exterior was probably a show of professionalism than anything else, worry for Ryder’s team was probably on all their minds. “Done, Cora,” SAM said. “What would you like to know?”

“Is there any tech in our vicinity that might fit Suvi’s description?”

There was a brief pause before SAM’s reply came. “Yes,” SAM answered, a pair of new nav points appeared on the holo-map. 

“Thanks SAM,” Cora turned back to the gathered. “The points don’t look too far from our current position, I will hit both points with Drack. I’m leaving Vetra to help hold down the fort. With luck, we will be getting you out of here soon.”

Zaex nodded, satisfied with the plan or maybe just the possibility of getting the hell off Havarl, Cora wasn’t sure. She wondered how much the team actually knew what was going on. _How many were just following orders, how many actually know the implications of their orders?_ Cora wasn’t going to leave things to chance and let Ryder throw herself under the bus if she could help it. She motioned to Vetra as they moved away from the others. “Keep an eye on Zaex,” she whispered and added a whole list of things to do. 

She needed leverage or at least some bargaining chip. Cora had no intention for Tann to get what he was looking for after creating this mess. _Ryder would probably approve._ Vetra nodded her understanding. “Give me a sec, Drack,” she called over her shoulder as the krogan walked up to them. 

“SAM, did the Tempest managed to contact with Ryder’s team?” she asked quietly. 

“Negative, Cora. We have been unsuccessful in establishing contact with Ryder’s team,” SAM replied. 

Worry flared anew in the pit of her stomach. It’s been four hours if not more since they lost contact. That’s way too long. Cora frowned. “All good?” Drack asked. 

Cora shook her head. “No, but we’ve got a job to do.”

* * *

“Fuck,” Liam cursed under his breath. 30 minutes after Ryder left to investigate, he could hear a battle erupting off in a distance. He had almost pissed his figurative pants. Fending off an attack with an unconscious asari with one working arm wasn’t what he thought he would be doing when he woke that morning. 

Liam had checked the Nomad, it was deader than dead. It would have handled the fall from the bridge no problems but being more electronics than mechanical, the Nomad didn’t survive the EMP blast. A quick scan of their surroundings, he found a small rock shelter. Though it wouldn’t do much if he had to fend off multiple enemies, they wouldn’t be uttered exposed as they were now. _If there was any time to do better, it’s now. Peebee is depending on me._

Peebee had came to not longer after Ryder had took off. The syringe that Ryder had administered had staved off the worse of the pain but it had left her light headed. “Liam,” she said, “What happened?”

“I’ll explain later, Peebee,” he said, “Come on, we have to move. I don’t like staying out in the open like this.”

He squatted down and pulled Peebee’s arm over his shoulders. “You got to hang on to me, I can’t keep you up with only one arm.”

Peebee took hooked both arms around Liam’s neck in a ring. Liam’s working arm took hold of Peebee’s hip and he looked at her. ”Ready, 1, 2, 3.”

On three, Liam hoisted Peebee to her feet. When pressure was placed on her broken leg, she cried out, her leg almost buckling and giving out. “No, Peebee, put your weight on your other leg,” he said. “Come on, you can do it.”

Her ragged sobs slowly turned to heavy panting as she mastered the pain. “Ok, one step at a time. We will go slow,” he said gently as he encouraged Peebee to take a step. 

The sound of rifle shots rang out, freezing both Liam and Peebee in their painstaking trek. “Fuck,” he cursed under his breath before turning to Peebee. “We got to hurry.”

Amid grunts of pain and huffing of breath, both of them made it to the rock shelter that’s just visible from the Nomad. “You did good, Peebee,” Liam said as he lowered her to the ground. 

Liam joined her on the ground with an unceremonious thump. “Are you ok?” Peebee asked noticing Liam’s rather grey pallor. 

“Just give me a minute to catch my breath,” he said waving her concern away with his good arm. 

Liam got Peebee up to speed on their situation. “Do you think it’s Ryder just now?” she asked, referring to the gun fire they heard. 

“Who else would that be? The battle did seemed like it was moving away from our position,” Liam pointed out. 

They sat in silence, both of them with their pistols on their laps, ears pricked for the slightest sound. The sound of battle faded quickly leaving them tense and senses heightened with no outlet for the excess energy. After an hour or so, Peebee turned to Liam, “Get some rest. We’ve no idea how long before Ryder gets back to us.”

Liam nodded, seeing the wisdom of Peebee’s words. “Wake me up in 2 hours and we’ll switch over.”

With that said, Liam shuffled into a more comfortable position and closed his eyes. Peebee grimaced as she shifted closer to the shelter’s opening to have a better view. Her splinted leg was a hindrance and it hurt. Liam had given her a couple of syringes that contained painkillers. She wished she could just take one now just to take the edge off. 

Peebee prided herself on being smart and she was smarter than that. Taking another dose so soon would be stupid. Flicking the safety on her pistol on and off was satisfying her need to fidget but Liam’s sigh made her stop. She had never thought of herself as a brave person. Her instincts usually urged her to flee than to stick around. However, her time on the Tempest made her feel differently now. She meant what she told the crew months ago. She was not going to live like she was one foot off the Tempest. This was a situation she liked nothing of. _Ryder, hurry back._

A hand on her shoulder jolted Peebee awake. _Shit! I’ve fallen asleep._ She pulled her pistol up quickly just as a hand pushed the barrel away. “Peebee! It’s me,” the figure said. 

Peebee relaxed when she saw a familiar plated face. “Vetra!”

* * *

“It’s done.”

Latex gloves snapped as they were being removed. 

“You know what needs to be done.”

Her throat hurt. There was something stuck there. It’s long and hard that started from her lips, down her mouth and into her throat. She moaned as a wave of pain swept over her head and neck. The tube was slowly being extracted. She coughed as it finally came free. Voices came into focus. 

“Give her another hit, she is waking up.”

There was no pin prick of an injection but her head grew fuzzier than before. 

“Don’t worry, the sedation will make sure she doesn’t remember a single thing. Don’t forget give her a dose of biotic inhibitor.”

Ryder didn’t hear anything else as the claws of drugs pulled back beneath the murky depths of darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Lyrics taken from[Yesterday Was Hard On All of Us by Fink](https://open.spotify.com/track/3nPDk5t9sc0Wi5b8EjaRbq).**


	10. Abyss of Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She sighed and ran her hand over the buzzed side of head. Worry had taken up permanent residence on her brow, keeping it furrowed. “SAM, is the Pathfinder authority still with Ryder?” she asked for the fifth time. 
> 
> “Yes,” SAM replied. “It is.”
> 
> “How will you know, if your connection with her is terminated?” Cora whispered, her voice shaking at that last part. “Would you even know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: TORTURE AND NON-CONSENSUAL TOUCHING, THREAT OF RAPE IN THIS CHAPTER**
> 
> Art by [@Seakanori on Tumblr](https://seokanori.tumblr.com) \- I love her! [CLICK HERE FOR ART](https://seokanori.tumblr.com/post/174669054361/today-june8-is-my-partner-in-crime)
> 
> Tags are updated, let me know if you think more tags should be added.

Cora was tired. She had been running on adrenaline and battle high for 24 hours straight with only a couple of breaks for food and water. _At least, we’ve located two thirds of Ryder’s team but where are you Ryder?_ She glanced at Jaal who was trying very hard to keep his panic and fear in check. His usually expressive and open face had been a closed door since things went to shit. _When exactly is that? It has been all shit for a while now._

Cora was surprised Jaal didn’t demanded a immediate search and rescue mission for Ryder the moment she ordered the Tempest down to get the salarian team. It seemed he had taken Ryder’s concerns to heart. Jaal was more than a soldier, he was able to see the bigger picture. The rest of the crew didn’t know the deal Ryder had stuck with Jaal, neither were they informed of the fight they got into. However, Cora was there, she had seen it all gone down. As the XO of the Tempest, she wasn’t sure how much Jaal should be kept in the loop. Was she supposed to treat him like a crew member? Or the eyes of the foreign species she could ill-afford to let witness a disaster unfold? She hadn’t even had a chance to speak to Vetra in private. 

She sighed, her breath fogging up her helmet. It took a while for the condensation to clear. The Tempest had the nav point where they lost contact with Ryder’s team and with the Tempest to ferry them, it was much faster than walking. Cora saw the blackened marks on the bridge. It was a wonder the bridge hadn’t collapsed under the blast. Then, it was a simple task of looking down to discover the Nomad below. 

Everyone feared the worst when they saw the Nomad. With the help of the jump jets, they made their way down to the floor of the Chasm. They didn’t spend much time hanging around the Nomad as soon as they found it empty. A quick scan by SAM using the Tempest’s superior scanning capabilities pointed them towards several likely locations to search for the others. It didn’t take long before Vetra located Liam and Peebee. 

Cora glanced at her chronometer. The 48 hours were long up. It’s well into the 55th hour if not later. With the salarian team safely off Havarl, absconded on the Tempest. The mission was technically a success but nobody was willing to just leave. Their damned Pathfinder was missing. The details Liam and Peebee had managed to give them were scant and it didn’t make Cora feel any better. Vetra escorted Liam and Peebee back to the Tempest. Ryder had done an admirable job splinting their broken limbs but they still needed an actual doctor. 

She sighed and ran her hand over the buzzed side of head. Worry had taken up permanent residence on her brow, keeping it furrowed. “SAM, is the Pathfinder authority still with Ryder?” she asked for the fifth time. 

“Yes,” SAM replied. “It is.”

“How will you know, if your connection with her is terminated?” Cora whispered, her voice shaking at that last part. “Would you even know?”

Her throat tightened. Giving voice to her fears out loud albeit in a whisper felt at best a jinx, at worse a prophecy. SAM didn’t give a response immediately as he customarily did. The silence of the pause was a loud roar to Cora’s ears. It felt foreboding and it threatened to pull the tightness in the pit of her belly to her throat. She tightened her jaw to prevent it was escaping. _Keep it together, Harper. You are the one who actually had training for this._

“I would know, Cora. I would just know,” SAM said, his voice quiet with an undertone of anxiety. 

“I’m sorry, SAM. I shouldn’t have said that.” Turning her attention back to the Nomad she asked, “What did the scans tell you?”

“From the blast pattern along the exterior and undercarriage of the Nomad, it’s clear that the Nomad had triggered an explosive device on the bridge. It’s carefully calibrated for the Nomad,” SAM said. 

“Calibrated? How so?”

“It was calculated to throw the Nomad off the bridge but not bring the bridge down with it,” SAM explained. “Plus evidence of an EMP device detonation is clear from all the non-fuctioning electronics.”

Cora glanced at Jaal kneeling down as he peered into the carriage of the upside down Nomad. One of the doors was ripped from the Nomad, the hinges bent and torn. Ryder’s work probably. Then, signs of a biotic Barrier scorch marks were obvious as well. Also, by Ryder, she probably used it to stabilise Liam and Peebee as she extracted them from the wreck. SAM’s explanation went on but Cora’s attention was mostly on Jaal. She was afraid he might crack. The tension between him and Ryder was unresolved, everything just put on hold and left on shaky ground. _Goddess, had it only been two days? Why does it feel so much longer than that?_ It had coiled both Ryder and Jaal up tight like a spring, and she was afraid it would snap. It would only hit the one that was left waiting. 

She watched as Jaal stretched an arm into the Nomad and pulled a helmet out. It was a black helmet all scuffed and banged up with its visor totally shattered. It belonged to Ryder. Jaal handled the helmet gently as if it was a wounded person. Her jaw tightened at the sight of the helmet but she forced her attention back to SAM. “So you’re telling me this was planned. It wasn’t a case of wrong place wrong time?”

“Yes, that’s correct, Cora.”

_Shit._

“Ok, let’s see where Ryder’s tracks lead to,” Cora said. “Come on, guys, we have a Pathfinder to find.”

Jaal took the lead, Ryder’s broken helmet was left next to the Nomad, almost like a marker. Cora shook her head. _No, not a marker. Definitely not a marker._ Having something concrete to do seemed to have settled Jaal, he kept his omni tool trained on Ryder’s tracks. At first it was slow going, like Ryder was trying to keep hidden. 

Cora looked at Drack. He looked almost bored but Cora knew better. It’s impossible not to pick up everyone’s tells after working and living together in close quarters for as long as they had. Drack’s claws on his shotgun was tight. It wasn’t the loose relaxed hold he usually had. Though Drack would probably not admit it, he was obviously very uneasy. 

Drack and Ryder seemed to have adopted each other since Drack joined the crew. Drack was the surrogate father that Ryder had not found in Alec. It’s not that Drack showered love on Ryder but he cared and it showed. Ryder actually appreciated the advise she got from Drack. His words carried weight with her. She had given him a purpose that he had lacked with his clan. Cora was kind of envious of the easy relationship Ryder formed with the crew. She found it harder to do so. Professionalism was a shield she hid behind. 

Cora’s musings were interrupted when Jaal picked up the pace. “I found something,” he called. 

They picked up the pace and joined Jaal. There along the trail, there were signs of vegetation that were trampled upon. More worryingly, or maybe less Cora can’t quite make up her mind, were two dead bodies. One took a headshot from the back, the other took a couple of rounds in the neck and bled out. Based on the rough trajectory, Cora found a spot among the bushes where the branches were depressed. “Come on, we’ve got Ryder’s trail.”

* * *

“Goddess,” Cora whispered. 

The carnage before her was grisly. Two other bodies slumped in close proximity, both down by gun fire. Biotic scorch marks streaked across the ground. Who did it belong to, Cora couldn’t possibly began to guess. One human had her head burst open like an overripe fruit, brains and skull sprayed across the ground. Then blood, a mix of red and orange, human and krogan all over. Two krogan bodies, one dead from a sharp blade into the brain cavity, the other lying on its face next to the largest patch of dried red blood. Cora frowned. That last krogan body didn’t look right. 

Drack snorted to get the smell out of his nose. He bent and did a cursory look at the bodies. “This one was taken out with sniper rifle rounds,” he pointed out. “The kid is not one for long distance killing.”

Cora nodded, she turned and found Jaal staring at the darken patch on the ground. It’s still obvious enough for it to be blood. He lifted his omni tool and did a scan. “Is that human blood?” he asked SAM. 

“Yes,” SAM replied. “It matches the Pathfinder’s blood.”

Jaal’s fists clenched. Nobody spoke. Each locked in their own special mental cage of fears and worries. Finally Drack huffed and started to examining the ground around the blood patch. There were tracks leading away. “Turians,” he concluded. “From the looks of it. Two of them. They were dragging something between them.”

Cora nodded and followed Drack as he trained his omni tool on the tracks. Jaal didn’t move, still staring. Cora didn’t need to speak to him to feel the guilt that was radiating off Jaal. _Logically, this wasn’t his fault but the heart feels what it feels._ Cora pushed it out of her mind. The priority was Ryder not Jaal. 

Cora caught up with Drack. The clearing was about 200m away from the battle site. “The tracks stopped here,” Drack rumbled, anger coming through clearly in the curt way he bit off his words. “Damnit, kid.”

“They must have left on a shuttle,” she said, pointed at the thruster burns on the ground. 

She was disappointed and angry at the same time. _What on earth did Tann get us into? We basically walked into a Goddess damned trap. He has hell to pay!_ “Kallo,” Cora called via her omni tool. “We’re headed back to the Tempest. Meet us at the drop off point earlier.”

* * *

The tension on her arms were killing her. Her left shoulder throbbed with an passion that’s beyond pain, beyond agony. She could feel the shattered pieces of her clavicle pressing against the inside of her skin. Her arms were stretched up above her head with her weight resting entirely on them. Groaning, she tried to find her feet but only her toes could reach the floor. Her head felt fuzzy from too much sleep but it ached in a way that felt deeply wrong. 

Something was fundamentally wrong with her, something that was beyond the physical but her mind couldn’t hold the thought. It just flowing through her fingers like sand, and it floated away with the wind. 

She suppressed a shudder as goosebumps raised on her skin. Cold, she’s so cold. She opened her eyes and looked down. _Naked, I’m fucking naked._ Fear rose from the pit of her stomach. _Where the fuck am I? What happened?_ Clenching her jaw, she bit back a moan. She closed her eyes as she tried to recall. _Remember! Fucking remember! What was the last thing that happened?_

Opening her eyes again, she tried to catalog her wounds, maybe it would jog her memories. Her abdomen was a mess of half dried and half bleeding wounds. It looked like she had caught a blast right in the middle. _How did that happened?_ Her head and neck felt like a massive pulsating bruise. Her thoughts were constantly slipping from her mind just as she thought them, making the entire process that much more infuriating. _Did I hit my head?_ The worst pain of all was her shoulder. The grating feel of bone against bone sent white hot stabs of misery down her arm and back. Her head lolled forward in a bid to control her pain. as her toes slipped and her weight fell back onto her shoulder. The pain that she held back burst through her lips. 

_I can’t remember._

The heavy footsteps of booted feet echoed as it approached her. “Waking up, I see. How are you feeling, Pathfinder?”

Ryder’s pain glazed eyes didn’t have searched for the owner of the voice. She’d recognised the voice anywhere. The owner had been a pain in her side ever since she had fucking held to her morals on Kadara. “Reyes fucking Vidal,” she croaked, voice dry from disuse. “You think I could get a glass of water?”

“How droll of you, Ryder,” Vidal drawled, his eyes raked over her naked body. 

He stepped ever closer to Ryder. She could feel him looking at her like a piece of meat. She couldn’t help the heat that crept up her face. Silently she cursed her body’s betrayal. “Embarrassed?” he asked. “You shouldn’t be. You have an amazing body.”

Ryder clenched her jaw tighter, concentrating on keeping her balance on her toes. Vidal circled her, coming closer with every step. “Look at you, the famed Shield of Meridian trussed up like a pig,” he laughed. 

Eyes roved over her naked body. “You have amassed quite a collection of wounds,” he continued without a beat. “I’m sorry that my men were a little rough retrieving you.”

Apparently he didn’t need a partner to have a conversation. Vidal looked at her scarred thigh, Ryder couldn’t help but cross her legs. She had never ever felt more exposed than she did then. Showers on the Tempest with the crew never made her uncomfortable but the way Vidal’s amber eyes scrutinised her flesh disgusted her. It made her felt dirty. “Now that’s new,” he said. “It looks very sensitive to the touch. I wonder if it is.”

Vidal brushed a hand down her thigh and she trembled. The way his eyes were smouldering with desire sent a chill down her spine. He raised a hand and gently brushed against the faint line on her abdomen. “That looked like a stab wound.” he asked. “I think I remember that one. I made this scar didn’t I? Well, not me specifically but one of my people. I’m glad we didn’t get you then. This is so much better.”

Vidal moved closer to brush against the scar again. Ryder lifted her legs to lock against Vidal’s neck but he danced away and her reward was pain that flared anew. His laughter grated against her ears, more so than his touch. Ryder’s eyes met his. “Don’t look so angry. You made it personal. When you warned Sloane back at the cave, it was still a difference of opinion. We could have parted ways then but no. You had to disrupt my operations, all but put me out of business.”

Vidal stood with his arms folded over his chest. “Actually I should thank you. If you didn’t close Kadara to me, the Collective would have never branched out. Look at where that brought me.” 

Ryder took the chance to study the room she was in. The room wasn’t big but it was empty. Nothing around just the bare infrastructure, all furniture that had been here were removed. Ryder could still see the outline of the furniture on the ground. The interior wasn’t like the usual pre-fab buildings. There was a pair of doors she was facing and there were no windows to see out of. Her head throbbed louder and harder as she tried to remember. The last thing she remembered was preparing for a mission but what was the mission?

Vidal kicked her legs out from under her. “Are you listening?” he demanded. 

Ryder cried out. Gone was the desire, it’s now anger in Vidal’s eyes. Her arms burnt with effort and her toes were constantly slipped and giving way. Every grunt of pain lifted Vidal’s mouth up, higher and wider. He smirked. “Now you will get your just reward, Shield of Meridian,” Vidal all but spat the title. 

“All that talking, Vidal,” she said through clenched teeth. “You just love the sound of your voice don’t you?”

“Defiance,” he laughed. “Enjoy it while you still can.”

“I take it that’s a no for that glass of water.”

Before Vidal could reply, the double doors swung open. “Ahhh, they are back,” he said. 

A mixed group of human, turian and asari came walking in, their arms laden with things. Her heartbeat loud in her ears as her eyes scanned the materials brought in. Fear gripped her heart and squeezed hard. A whimper escaped unbidden from her lips. Vidal barked a laugh so loud it echoed. “Where’s your defiance now, Pathfinder?”

“Leave them here,” he instructed. 

Ryder watched with dawning horror. A metal bat, a large battery the kind found in the Nomad thumped on the ground along with cables and a prod, a box that was labelled medi-gel and finally a flask containing some liquid. Not water, Ryder would wager. She took a deep shuddering breath and steeled herself. 

* * *

Cold, freezing water hit her skin jolting her awake. Her skin felt raw, more exposed than merely the fact she was fucking hanging naked from the ceiling. Her toes slipped again, the dull throb screamed into a raging inferno of agony. “Is that all you can take, Pathfinder?” Vidal said, his voice smooth honey over glass.

Ryder coughed and she realised something warm and metallic filled her mouth. _Fuck, I bit my tongue._ She spat a glob of blood onto the ground. Vidal stood outside of spit range but she had to try anyway just on principle. He cocked his head and turned to the turian holding the prod. “Go easy on the voltage, I want this to last.”

The asari and human worked fast, applying medi-gel perfunctorily on her new wounds. It had been like this for how long? Ryder couldn’t remember. Minutes? Hours? Surely not days? The medi-gel provided a measure of numbness but it was barely enough to put a dent in her torment. _At least I am not about to die immediately._

The chains jingled as Ryder tried to keep her balance. Her arms felt cold and numb, her wrists rubbed raw. She didn’t know if she could hold out hope for rescue. _Did anyone know what happened? Was the mission even a success? How could anyone fucking find me?_ Vidal flicked his eyes to meet hers. She read smug satisfaction from his. She trembled. _It’s the cold, that’s it the fucking cold._

Vidal shifted his weight from one leg to another and stepped towards her. “Let’s change things up a bit.”

Ripping the electrode from her thigh, Ryder whimpered. The electrode had left a large blackened patch right next to the healing scar she got on Ryder-01. His hand hovered her crotch for a moment, his smile hitched higher. “We’ll leave that for later,” he teased. 

Ryder saw red and let the blood pooling in her mouth loose. Blood and spit took him straight in the face and if Ryder was right, he definitely got some in his mouth. She chuckled at the tiny victory she had, showing him her bloody teeth and all. Vidal wiped the mess off his face, his smile now a snarl of rage. Ryder watched as he took a step back before slamming his fist into her face. It’s a certain kind of horror to watch it happen and be so helpless to avoid it. His fist connected with her nose and stars bloomed behind her eyes. Once, twice and thrice. She screamed as the bone cracked. Blood poured from her nose. 

He stuck the electrode just under her right breast before stepping back. “I take that back. Let’s up the voltage instead,” he instructed. 

“My pleasure,” the turian sneered. “I had always approved of the Hierarchy’s treatment of turian biotics let alone human ones.”

_Oh, he’s one of those hard liners. Turians and their fucking fear of biotics._

Ryder blinked quickly to clear her vision. Her eyes staring at each and every person in the room in turns, her mind trying its best to memorise every feature on every person. The turian with the prod walked forward, leering at her body. The prod crackled with electricity and the turian stabbed it right to her chest. As white hot pain coursed through her nerves, her body shook and convulsed uncontrollably, muscles contracted and pulled in ways unnatural. What probably lasted mere seconds left like an eternality to Ryder. Her jaw locked up over her tongue again and she wasn’t even able to scream. 

“Dance Ryder, dance,” Vidal said, watching at the prod stabbed again and again onto Ryder’s naked form. Burn marks blooming everywhere it touched. There was barely any break between each stab, it felt like a long continuous torture of pain and loss of control. Ryder writhed as electricity coursed through her body. A sudden stink filed the air. Vidal laughed harder when he realised the Pathfinder had voided her bowels. Urine and shit joined the water that was used to wake her up earlier. 

Then, a hint of red joined the mess on the ground. Vidal traced the trail of blood up from Ryder’s leg, to her abdomen, passed her breast to her shoulder. The contraction of her muscles was so strong that it forced the bone to break through her skin. Blood from the fresh wound mingled with the old. Vidal gave the turian a signal. The turian snorted, unhappy his pleasure was cut short. Ryder’s head lolled and hung down between her shoulders. She panted heavily to catch her breath as blood dribbled down her chin. 

“I think you had enough,” Vidal said. “My eyes are tired just from watching you.”

Ryder’s eyes felt heavy. She was tired, so fucking tired. What hope was there for a rescue? If she wanted out, she had to get herself out. She grunted as she lifted her head up. Ryder dug deep, deeper than she ever thought possible. Slowly she tried to gather her biotics energy, maybe just enough for a Charge to get a head start or a Shockwave to cut that smile off Vidal’s face. 

Vidal had his back towards her but the turian was eyeing her with suspicion. Ryder knew she didn’t have much time. She had to act while she still had the strength to, if she waited too long she probably wouldn’t survive the escape. The familiar flare of her amp didn’t come. It was inert like it was dead. Panic seized her. That was her last line of defence, she had no ace in the sleeve. “No…”

Vidal had a syringe in his hand when he turned to face her. “I think she was trying to use her biotics,” the turian remarked, laughing as he did so. 

“I knew she would eventually. Luckily we have a little something to combat that,” he said, holding the syringe up meaningfully. 

_Fuck, he has biotics inhibitor._

“Ryder, Ryder, Ryder,” Vidal said as he moved closer with the syringe. “You are not going anywhere but where I want you to.”

She flinched away as the syringe moved towards her but there was only so much play the chain had. Pain flared with her every movement but Ryder ignored it all. She needed her biotics if she was to get out of here. Vidal’s smile grew wider, his movement just slow enough for Ryder to move out of the syringe’s way. Ryder knew what he was doing. He was allowing her to avoid him enough to cause pain to herself but she couldn’t stop herself. To stop was to give up on herself, she couldn’t do that. Though Ryder couldn’t remember, she knew she had something important to do. Then, there was a sharp prick of a needle at the back of her head, right where her amp was. A cold so intense it hurt spread from that point throughout her body. The inhibitor flooded her system cutting all hope of an escape. 

“No!” she screamed.

* * *

_How long was it this time?_ She craned her neck up, the room was empty now, her wounds again slathered with a meagre layer of medi-gel. Ryder glanced at the box of medi-gel packs, there were plenty left. _Does Vidal intend to use it all up? Before he’ll actually kill me?_ Ryder pushed that line of thought out of her mind. _They will come, Jaal will._ Tentatively she tried to gather her biotics but nothing came. _How long do the inhibitors last anyway?_

“SAM?” she whispered. 

There was no reply. She wasn’t surprised. _Why not?_ Ryder frowned and made a sound of frustration. _Why can’t I remember?_

The smell that filled the room was nauseating. Her toes stepping in her own filth. Shame crept up her face. _How the fuck did this happen?_ No sooner had the thought came to her mind, the doors opened again. Vidal strode in, his pace quick and confident. “Good, good,” he said. “You’re awake.”

“You managed to outlast the battery so it’s move on to better things,” he said. 

“Vidal,” Ryder rasped, “You can’t even do your own dirty work? Why do you have your gang here do it for you?”

Vidal’s face darkened, he glanced at the people around, a strange look on his face. Ryder frowned but the thought was quickly dispelled from her mind when Vidal took up the bat and smacked across the burnt mark on her thigh. She screamed. Then, the bat connected with her face, the blow splitting her skin and blood poured.

Ryder’s voice was hoarse and her breaths ragged. _Medi-gel isn’t going to help this time._ “Is that all you got?” she spat, laughing a little. “Are you tired already?”

Vidal dropped the bat on the ground, panting with effort. The bat rolled to a stop at her feet. Ryder laughed again. “You got shit all over it now,” she said. 

Vidal glanced back at the gang at his back, the same look crossed his face. _Is that disgust?_ Ryder couldn’t be sure, her vision was tunnelling. She was sure now, there was no getting out of here. She wasn’t going to last much longer. “Hand me the flask,” Vidal barked. 

Ryder’s eyes following the movements of the human who took handed the flask to Vidal. The flask was a thick walled bottle with clear exterior. The liquid inside sloshed and it looked vaguely blue but clear. “I brought something from home just for you, Ryder,” Vidal’s voice back to being smooth like honey. 

She vaguely wondered if Vidal got whiplash from the switch he made all the time. She didn’t deign to provide him with a response, since he didn’t need one anyway. Vidal uncapped the flask and poured a little onto the ground near Ryder’s feet. The moment the liquid touched the ground, it sizzled. Her eyes widened as she realised what that was. Her toes shifted to avoid it. 

Vidal’s eyes looked onto Ryder’s, a smirk on his lips. “Yes, that’s what you think it is,” he said. “That’s the acid from Kadara’s lakes.”

“No,” she said, she no longer cared if Vidal could see the fear. “No!”

Then an asari rushed in through the double doors, breathless from running. “What is it?” Vidal asked, obviously annoyed at being interrupted. 

“We got to go, now!” she said. 

Hope flared in her heart. All her hurts suddenly didn’t seem to bother her. The others began to pick up their weapons and left the room while Vidal grimaced. “See you around, Ryder,” he said. “Let this be a parting gift from me to you.”

With that said, Vidal smashed the flask at her feet. Ryder howled as droplets of the acid splashed against her legs and feet. Instantly she lifted her feet up and screamed as her arms took her weight. Her shoulder was the epicentre of white hot agony. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit has not just hit the fan but it has overwhelmed it and buried it. Do tell me what are your thoughts about this chapter. Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	11. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you sure?” Cora asked. “The shuttle never broke atmosphere?”
> 
> “That’s correct, Cora,” SAM replied. “I’ve traced the trusters emissions to this location.”
> 
> Cora glanced at the map at the meeting room, a new nav point popped up. She squeezed the bridge of her nose in a bid to push her weariness aside. “That’s not far from our location,” she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this is the next chapter. Hopefully the cliffhanger from yesterday isn't too bad.

“Are you sure?” Cora asked. “The shuttle never broke atmosphere?”

“That’s correct, Cora,” SAM replied. “I’ve traced the trusters emissions to this location.”

Cora glanced at the map at the meeting room, a new nav point popped up. She squeezed the bridge of her nose in a bid to push her weariness aside. “That’s not far from our location,” she said. “Would the Tempest be able to drop us nearby?”

“I’ve marked a few possible landing zones for you,” SAM replied. “But the nearest will still be 1km away from the location.”

“Thanks, SAM,” Cora said. “We’ll find Ryder, don’t worry.”

“Cora, technically I can’t worry.”

“But you have learnt what that means right? From Ryder?”

“Yes, I have. It is not a pleasant feeling. It makes me feel helpless.” SAM replied, his voice quiet but urgent. 

“You are far from helpless, SAM. You’ve helped loads,” Cora reassured SAM. 

“Let Kallo know to get us here,” she said as she tapped the nearest landing zone. ”As soon as possible.”

* * *

Jaal retrieved his rifle from his locker. He checked and double checked it. His hands shook slightly and he clenched them to keep them still. _If I had never imposed the 48 hours limit would this have happened? She would have more time to plan. She might not have walked into a trap. If I have gone with her, I could have done something._ He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to centre himself. 

Jaal had entered the med-bay earlier, his eyes fell on Liam and Peebee’s sleeping forms. They had occupied the two beds in the med-bay. Their chests moving up and down slowly in deep sleep. An IV line leading to their arms. Jaal watched as the monitor beeped softly in time with their heart rates, the small bumps under their medical gowns was enough to let Jaal know Lexi had hooked them up with the wireless leads. Stepping close, he could see the dark eye bags under Liam’s face while Peebee had purplish ones in the same place. 

“How are they doing?” he asked, realising he hadn’t bother to check in on them since he had returned to the Tempest. _What kind of friend am I?_

“They are dehydrated and suffering a mild concussion, a little banged up. The IV and rest will fix most of that. The worse of their injuries is the broken limb. Luckily for them the breaks are clean. They should heal nicely in a week or so. Eventually they will need some physical therapy to recover the muscle tone and strength,” Lexi said. “What they need now is rest.”

She sighed, Lexi looked as tired as he felt. “Why are you here, Jaal?” she asked. “I know you are not here just to see Liam and Peebee.”

The usually tactful Lexi would never say something like this. Jaal was so wrapped in his own worries, he didn’t see the toil Ryder’s disappearance? kidnapping? had taken on the others. “I need a stim,” he said simply. “SAM had located the shuttle.”

Hope bloomed in Lexi’s eyes, the previous tired orbs of grey-blue took on a shine that wasn’t there a moment ago. Wordlessly, she filled a syringe and injected it into his arm after sterilising the area. “Jaal, I know you worry. I do too but you need rest,” she said. “Actually all of us need real, actual rest, especially you, Cora and Drack.”

Jaal wanted to snarl at Lexi but he knew Lexi was right. They all were going to hit their limit sooner or later. “I’ll rest once we find her,” he replied curtly.

Ryder was missing for two days since the teams had left to retrieve the salarians. _Two whole days, ancestors!_ Jaal’s thoughts darkened again when it turned to the mission. Lexi placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “Hey, we’ll find her,” she said. “Ryder is strong, she will be fine.”

Jaal could hear the forced cheer in her voice but he couldn’t bring himself to call her out. “Thanks, Lexi,” Jaal said instead and left to suit up. 

Glancing at Drack, Jaal frowned as he holstered his rifle. The krogan looked fresh as if he just had a ten hour nap. For a moment, Jaal wondered if the stim didn’t work for angaras. He couldn’t help but marvelled at the krogan stamina. Cora stepped into the cargo bay, looking as bad as he felt. Then, she straightened her back and just seem to shed her fatigue. Jaal wished he could do the same. 

Cora flicked her eyes between Drack and Jaal. Jaal nodded at her, signalling his readiness. “Let’s go,” she said and they walked down the ramp. 

* * *

Beating through the foliage of Havarl had sapped what energy he got from the stim but he pushed on. Jaal scanned their surroundings, they were not all that far from where they found the Nomad. The shuttle didn’t go far, that meant they had that much time more to do as they would with Ryder. Fear rose from his gut again, threatening to overwhelm the silver of hope in his chest. _Ancestors! What did they want her for? It’s obvious they wanted her alive but for what?_ None of the ideas that popped into his head provided him much comfort. Jaal prayed they would reached Ryder in time. 

There was only one main structure in the vicinity. It’s a old abandoned Roekaar stronghold. From the outside, it looked like it wasn’t in use for a long time. Jaal’s eyes stopped on the tell tale marks of truster blasts. “The shuttle was here,” he called out. 

Drack walked over to the marks and pulled his gauntlet off to feel the ground. “It’s warm,” he said, his eyes hardened. “They probably left in the last 30 minutes or so.”

Cora nodded. “This is the place,” she said. 

“What if this was just a secondary location to switch shuttles?” Jaal asked, he couldn’t keep the fear from his voice. 

Drack frowned. “If they wanted to switch shuttles, they wouldn’t have hang around for 2 days before doing so. Keep your eye on the prize, boy,” he said. “She is here, I know it.” 

Jaal’s grip on the rifle tightened. He nodded. Drack was right, he had to keep his head screwed right. He couldn’t afford any mistakes, not on this mission. Then a scream pierced the silence. It was a earsplitting shriek of raw, unbridled pain. Without a second thought, Jaal moved towards the structure. Cora and Drack fell in, flanking him. 

Jaal tapped furiously on his omni tool, cursing under his breath as he hacked the holo-lock. The howl went on and on before it was reduced to ragged sobs. The moment the holo-lock turned green, Cora palmed the door and it slid open. Jaal slipped through even before the door peeled back. Inside, there was a reception area which split into three other doors. A set of double doors was just in front of them and two others on the side. The whimpers were coming from beyond the set of double doors. Jaal shouldered the doors open and he froze. 

There was someone chained to the ceiling. The person held their feet up slightly above the ground, putting their weight on their arms and shoulders. Their arms trembling with the effort, soft moans of agony escaped from their lips as if they were unwilling to show any weakness. When the pain got too much, their feet would lower to the ground, then a cry of utter torment would erupt forth and their legs would lift up the ground again. The cycle just repeated over and over again. 

Jaal didn’t know how long he stood there. It didn’t feel very long. His eyes searched the face of the naked form. The person had their face hanging low as if it took too much energy to hold up their head. His legs carried him further into the room. A stench of bodily excretion filled his nose, Jaal couldn’t help but to lift a hand to cover his nose. 

As he drew closer, his eyes widened as he realised what he thought was grime that clung to the naked form were actually bruises, old and new wounds. The person finally lifted their head as if finally realising there was someone else in the room. “No…” she moaned. “You’re not real, not real.”

A sharp gasp escaped Jaal’s mouth. It was Ryder, his darling one. He almost couldn’t recognise her. Her nose swollen, misshapen and crusted with dried blood. A deep laceration that’s still bleeding which ran through her left eyebrow, she blinked to get the blood out of her eye. A cough wrecked her frail form. He watched as flecks of blood flew from her mouth. Jaal’s heart clenched, tears sprung unbidden to his eyes, his vision swam as he all but ran over. “Ryder!” he called. “I’m real, Ryder. I’m here,” he cried. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

Cora and Drack entered the room. Their exclamation of shock rang out in the empty room. “Drack, can you clear the rest of the place,” Cora shouted. “This could still be a trap.”

Drack nodded. Cora crossed the room quickly as she did so she tapped on her omni tool. “SAM, let Lexi know Ryder is hurt, bad. Get Vetra and Suvi to escort her to the nav point. I don’t know if we can move Ryder.”

“Understood, Cora,” SAM said. “Thank you, Cora.”

Cora nodded though SAM couldn’t see. She holstered her rifle and joined Jaal quickly by Ryder. As both of them stepped into Ryder’s space, Jaal moved to support Ryder’s weight. Cora realised their shields were going down. She did a quick scan on the puddle they were standing in. “Goddess, the monsters!” she shouted. “Jaal, that’s acid, make sure, Ryder doesn’t touch it.”

One glance at Ryder’s feet, Cora could see Ryder had stepped into it more than once. The contraption the monster had rigged for Ryder was beyond evil. They were forcing Ryder to torture herself, to choose between burning her soles off with the acid or suffer the torture of putting even more weight on her arms and shoulders. 

Cora looked at Jaal. “On three,” she said as she extended her omni blade. 

Jaal nodded. he clenched his teeth, pushing away the rage he felt building. His eyes couldn’t help but linger over Ryder’s open wounds but worse than all her pain glazed eyes. A growl of fury rumbled in his chest as his arms wrapped Ryder’s hips, taking her weight off her broken clavicle. Cora sliced through the chains easily with her military grade omni blade. When the chains were cut, Ryder slumped over like a puppet with its strings cut. 

Jaal carried Ryder protectively with one arm under her knees, the other under her back. Ryder moaned as the movement jagged her wounds. Her eyes rolled into her head. “Hey, hey, stay with me, Ryder!” Cora said. “Don’t go to sleep.”

Ryder’s eyes snapped open as she jerked back at Cora’s touch. Her voice a rasp as she tried to scream. “You’re safe, you’re safe, it’s me, Cora,” she said, her voice broke. 

Slowly, Ryder relaxed. Her eyes seemed to gain a little more light as she began to recognise the faces that surrounded her. “Cora? Jaal?” 

Loathe as he was to do so, Jaal lay Ryder gingerly on the dirty ground. “We’re here, Ryder,” he said. 

Cora took the medi-gel packs from her suit and begin to apply them on the worse of the open wounds while Jaal worked to remove the shackles on her wrists. Ryder flinched at every touch of Cora’s hand. “Am I dead? Are you here to bring me home?” Ryder asked, her voice getting weaker and weaker. 

“No, no,” Cora said gently. “You’re alive. Come on, stay awake for me, Ryder.”

Shackles unlocked quickly with some hacking. Dried blood crusted around the part it clamped down on Ryder’s skin. As Jaal slowly removed them, he could see her skin were rubbed raw by her struggles. Cora turned to Jaal, “Find something to cover her up. I don’t want the others to see her like this.”

Jaal nodded. As hard as it was to do so, he stood up and forced his legs to walk away from Ryder. Drack came back into the reception area and asked, “Was that Ryder?”

He inclined his head, not trusting his voice not to spew forth his rage. _Those fucking animals!_ “How is she?” Drack asked.

Jaal’s tear filled eyes met Drack’s. Neither spoke for a long moment before finally Drack nodded. Jaal turned away and entered one of the other rooms. “We need to find something to cover Ryder,” he said. 

Drack followed closely behind. “That’s a crude med-bay in there. It has definitely seen some use recently,” he said. 

Jaal’s eyes rested on the dried blood on the cold metal table. Medical instruments and equipment scattered haphazardly as if the kidnappers left in a big hurry. If Drack was right, they had just missed them. “Hey, eyes on the prize. We need to get the kid to Lexi,” he rumbled, breaking through Jaal’s thoughts. 

* * *

In the end, the three of them fashioned a crude stretcher from the sheets they found in the med-bay. Ryder moaned as they put her in the middle of a large sheet before cocooning her in. He had cringed to use the sheet of dubious origin. It didn’t look any cleaner than the ground, Ryder was lying on but Cora didn’t want to wait for the others to come. Ryder didn’t look like she could wait for Lexi to get there. It’s probably easier to meet them half way. Jaal looked at Ryder, her breaths were getting shallower and shallower at every passing minute. Cora was sure Ryder was suffering from a concussion but before that could be diagnosed by Lexi, she couldn’t administer any analgesic to Ryder. 

Jaal took the one end while Drack took the other. Cora ranged ahead to scout the path ahead. “Hey, Ryder. Come on, you can do this. We’re almost there,” Jaal coaxed. 

Ryder had stopped responding 30 minutes ago. Jaal could see her eyes were half lidded, she was just barely holding on to consciousness. Ryder grunted as she struggled to keep them open at Jaal’s coaxing. The journey to the old Roekaar base was quick but the journey back to the Tempest was agonisingly slow. He wanted to hurry but every sudden movement brought more pain to Ryder. He didn’t think her body could take much more. 

Cora came rushing back down the trail. “Lexi, they’re here!” she called over her shoulder. “Put Ryder down.”

As gently as they could, they lowered the makeshift stretcher. Lexi sank down next to Ryder, running her omni tool over Ryder. “Ryder, can you hear me?” Lexi said. 

“She wasn’t really responding for the past while,” Jaal offered, wringing his hands as he watched. _Everything will be fine, Lexi is here._

Lexi grabbed Ryder’s hand. Ryder didn’t flinch or jerked her hand away the way she did before. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, Ryder.”

Ryder’s cold hand tightened a little around Lexi’s. She heaved a silent sigh of relief. Lexi turned to Vetra and Suvi, “Get the back board here!”

Lexi turned back to Ryder. “Do you know where you are, Ryder?” she asked. 

Ryder’s eyes fluttered open before closing again. “Squeeze once for Havarl, twice for the Nexus,” she pressed. “Come on, Ryder. You can do this. Once for Havarl, twice for Nexus.”

She took a shallow breath and squeezed Lexi’s hand. Lexi counted. Ryder squeezed her hand thrice. She pursued her lips and frowned. _This is not good._

Ryder groaned as they strapped her down onto the back board. “I’m sorry, Ryder,” she whispered under her breath she tightened the strap over Ryder’s chest. 

Lexi started an IV on Ryder’s arm and handed the bag to Jaal. “Keep it above her head at all times,” she instructed. “Come on, let’s go!” 

With a better stretcher, the group hoofed it back to the Tempest in quick order. As they made their way, Lexi tapped her omni tool, “Gil, do you read me?”

“Yes, Lexi. I can hear you, how’s Ryder?” he asked, his voice flat without his usual snark. 

“Not good,” Lexi replied. “I need you to move Liam. He should be done with his IV by now. Replace the bag and move him to the crew quarters. He should be well enough to move under his own power.”

“Got it, anything else?”

Vetra listened to Lexi’s conversation with Gil with only one ear. Her eyes were on their Pathfinder. Her mandibles tight against her face. She glanced the rest. Everyone were dealing with it in their own way. Emotions ran the gamut, Drack’s tight hold on the back board had an under current of outrage, Jaal’s wet eyes radiated fury and worry, Cora’s stiff back and occasional flare of blue showed her need for retribution, Suvi’s quiet prayers spoke of her fear but worse of all was Lexi’s frown. Their doctor was worried. _Shit._

Given the injuries the ground crew had sustained throughout their various missions, Lexi had patched up more than a fair share of bullet wounds, stab wounds and concussions. Vetra knew Lexi would be able to handle most injuries and wounds. Her mandibles fluttered in anxiety as she glanced at Ryder’s pale face. Vetra knew what she wanted, murder, mayhem and all round vengeance. There were contacts she can call upon and put feelers out there to get the bastards. 

Lexi sent the rest away from the med-bay keeping only Vetra to help her. As she unwrapped Ryder from the sheets they still had on her. She send Vetra off to get water and soap. As the sheets came clear, she gasped at the state of Ryder’s body. Shaking herself, Lexi took a deep breath to steady herself. _Come on, Ryder is counting on you._

* * *

_A man waved the opened flask in front of her. She frowned. At least she was pretty sure it was a human male. Why couldn’t see his face? The face was just a vague blur but everything else was sharp, so sharp Ryder was afraid she would cut herself on it. The man teased with his feints. Ryder flinched every single time and hated herself for it. Finally, he looked bored and threw the flask at her. The acid splash against her face and body and she could feel it melting her skin, her flesh, her bones. And all she could do was to scream till she had no mouth left to scream with._

A scream rang out from the med-bay startling Lexi from her nap on the desk and Peebee from her sleep on the bed. The monitors beeped shrilly as a voice screamed again. Lexi got up and approached Ryder. She clamped her hands down on Ryder’s, trying to keep her from worsening her shoulder. Normally Lexi knew she was no match to Ryder’s strength. Though it took effort she was able to keep Ryder from throwing herself off the bed. 

“Ryder! Ryder!” Lexi called, trying to get through the panic in Ryder’s eyes. 

Slowly, recognition came back to Ryder and she began to relax. “It’s a nightmare,” Lexi said soothingly. “Come on, Ryder, lie back.”

She choked back a sob but allowed herself to be pressed back onto the bed. As the adrenaline of the nightmare drained from her limbs, the pain started to surface again. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut but even that motion made her broken nose flare a sharp pain. “Lexi?” she rasped.

“Ryder do you know where you are?” Lexi asked. 

Ryder frowned. _That’s a stupid question, of course I know where I am._ She turned her head and her shoulder protested but she didn’t need to look far. That ceiling looked remarkably familiar. The hum of the Tempest’s drive core was a lullaby for her many a night. “Tempest,” she replied. 

Lexi visibly relaxed at her answer. “Can I have some water?”

She received water in the form of ice chips, as she sucked on them, Lexi asked, “Do you know what happened to the Nomad?”

“The Nomad?” Ryder asked, frowning. “Why are you asking me this, Lexi?”

“Can you just answer the question, Ryder?” Lexi said. “Please.”

Ryder can’t help but feel this was some sort of test but of what, she wasn’t sure. “Fine,” she said, if she could throw her arms up without hurting she would have. “It’s… it’s at the cargo bay right?”

Lexi’s eyes drifted to the bed next to hers and looked at the person there. They exchanged a look that Ryder didn’t like. She craned her neck as much as she could, she caught a bit of blue skin. “Peebee, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Peebee laughed. “Shit Ryder, don’t scare me like that.” 

“Sorry, it was a nightmare,” Ryder said, something wasn’t adding up but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. “Why are you here, Peebee? What happened to me?”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Lexi’s face grew more concerned by the minute. Ryder heard Peebee shifted in her bed as she propped her body up with her elbow. “I broke my leg when we crashed the Nomad.”

It was like Peebee’s words triggered something in Ryder. The vague tickling feeling at the back of her mind was no longer content with just tickling, it came in a rush of images and sounds. Ryder frowned as her headache intensified. Forgetting her clavicle was broken, she raised her left arm to rubbed against her forehead. Ryder hissed as she felt the bone grind against each other. Lexi stepped quickly towards Ryder and pressed her arm down. She shook her head. “Your clavicle needs surgery, we can’t do it here on the Tempest. All I’ve managed is to push the bone back under the skin.”

Ryder just managed to grunt in acknowledgement. “I…I remember an explosion,” she said. “And a mission on Havarl…”

Lexi relaxed a little. “Hey, hey, don’t force yourself to remember. You got a severe concussion. Memory loss is normal in such cases. It will come back to you,” Lexi said. “You need to rest. You have an operation ahead of you and you need your strength.”

Ryder nodded, her throbbing head was shutting down all thoughts. Lexi filled a syringe and injected it into Ryder’s arm via the IV port. Within moment, Ryder was out like a light. 

Lexi glanced at Peebee their eyes met, a look passed between them. “It’s bad isn’t it?” Peebee asked. 

Lexi couldn’t bring herself to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments from the last chapter! it really made my day. Thank you!!!!


	12. Bad Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cora’s light brown eyes found Lexi’s when she approached. “How is she?” Cora asked, rubbing her eyes before getting up to slump on the bench. 
> 
> Lexi shook her head and sighed. “I’ve been waking her up every couple of hours to check on her cognitive functions. Her confusion is going away and her memory is coming back to her slowly. She asked to see you, she has just remembered the mission. I don’t know how much details she remembered.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos for the previous chapter! Let me know what you think about this chapter in the comments!

Sometimes she woke up at the lightest touch, flinching and screaming. Other times it took a significant effort to rouse her, those times she woke up sobbing but her face dry. Ryder couldn’t really quite remember what happened, more importantly who was responsible. Lexi had given her a clinical rundown of her injuries. It had triggered flashes of images but the fragmented wisps of memories disappeared like smoke in the wind. She didn’t pursue them because they made her headache worse. The analgesic helped but not much. 

Her sense of time was completely shot. The repeated rounds of sleeping and being woken up irritated her. Most of the time, the first thing that registered was the agony of being alive. The first thing she always saw was Lexi’s concerned face. It was the same questions every single time. Ryder was sure she always got the first one right but the other questions that came after, Ryder couldn’t quite tell. Sometimes her answer seemed to make Lexi frown, others times not. 

Ryder blinked. Lexi was peering down on her, shining a flashlight into her eyes. She groaned and batting the flashlight with her sore right arm, her left was a throbbing mess. At least she remembered enough not to use it instinctively.

“Where are you Ryder?”

_Here we go again._

“The Tempest.” 

_That’s always the easy part. No problems with that question. I’m a master by now._

“What happened to the Nomad?”

“Crashed.”

Ryder glanced at Lexi’s face. It looked relaxed so she was confident she had passed some sort of test. _Yes, yes I remember. Concussion meet memory loss. Don’t mind us as we fuck with Sara Ryder._

“Do you remember how did the crash happened?”

“Bomb blast, I think.”

Lexi nodded encouragingly at Ryder. “What else? Who were with you on the Nomad when that happened?”

Ryder frowned, she considered the question as Lexi handed her an ice compress for her broken nose. “Keep it on your nose,” she instructed before she lifted Ryder’s gown to check on the numerous wounds. “Ryder, do you remember?”

“Sorry, what was your question?” Ryder asked, hissing as she placed the ice compress on her face.

Lexi stopped what she was doing and turned to look at Ryder, assessing her. She hid behind the cold compress unwilling to meet Lexi’s eyes. “Who was with you in the Nomad during the blast?”

“Peebee…” Ryder said tentatively, her eyes glancing over at Peebee’s sleeping form. 

“Are you guessing or do you actually know?” Lexi said. “Who else?”

_Shit, she saw through me._

* * *

“How did the Nomad crashed”

“Combination of EMP and regular explosive.”

“Who was with you in the Nomad?”

“Peebee and Liam,” Ryder replied, surprised at the ease the answers came to her mind. “How are they?”

As the question left her mouth, the tickling at the back of her mind surged forward again. “Ryder?” Lexi called. 

She realised she hadn’t heard a word Lexi said, instead she had froze. “Ryder, are you in pain?” Lexi asked, moving quickly to check on her. “Is it your shoulder? Or is your headache getting worse?”

Lexi activated the scanner over the bed. An overhead scanner came into view and swept several times over Ryder. “No, no, Lexi. I’m not in more pain than before,” she said, reassuring her. “I just remembered something.”

“What did you remember?”

Ryder looked at Lexi. The doctor looked tired, absently she wondered if her primary care giver had a chance to rest. “Lexi, when was the last time you had some rest?” she asked. 

Lexi frowned and chided, “Don’t change the subject.” 

“The mission, Tann’s fucked up mission,” Ryder said. “I remember that.”

Lexi visibly relaxed but there was still an under current of tension in her shoulders. She had her mouth opened for a while longer as if there was something she wanted to ask but was apprehensive to actually do so. “I need to see Cora, could you get her?” Ryder said. 

Lexi nodded. Before she left, she glanced at the result of the scan on the multi-panel screen. Nothing had actually changed but Ryder’s symptoms were rather worrying. It’s hard to tell with traumatic brain injuries how long these symptoms will last. Ryder was lucky she didn’t fracture her skull. Lexi had to shaved a small patch of hair off the back of Ryder’s head to stitch up what medi-gel couldn’t seal. 

Lexi exited the med-bay and dimmed the lights, hoping Ryder could get some rest. Goddess, Lexi felt every single one of her 275 years. She found Cora in the meeting room staring at the terminal with datapads scattered around her. 

Cora’s light brown eyes found Lexi’s when she approached. “How is she?” Cora asked, rubbing her eyes before getting up to slump on the bench. 

Lexi shook her head and sighed. “I’ve been waking her up every couple of hours to check on her cognitive functions. Her confusion is going away and her memory is coming back to her slowly. She asked to see you, she has just remembered the mission. I don’t know how much details she remembered.”

“Did she say anything about what happened…” Cora’s voice trailed off. 

Neither wanted to give voice to the horror they had seen visited on Ryder. The bruises were extensive but the multiple burnt marks black and hardened were heart breaking to see. Lexi had told Cora that Ryder would need to go through debridement for those wounds to heal properly. It was lucky that Ryder’s feet wasn’t too badly burnt by the acid, with liberal use of medi-gel she would be able to walk normally in a few days but it was at the cost of her shoulder. Lexi had sent a message ahead to get the Nexus medical centre prepped for an operation theatre for Ryder’s clavicle as soon as they docked.

Lexi shook her head. “She didn’t mention anything but she has been screaming herself awake,” she said. “Her waking mind might not remember it but her sleeping one does.”

Cora slammed her fist down on the bench. “There is no way I’ll let the bastards get away with it,” she said, in quiet anger. “Come on, let’s not keep Ryder up longer than needed.” 

* * *

Ryder looked up as the med-bay’s door swished open. Cora and Lexi came in. “Good to see you up, Ryder,” Cora said. 

Ryder motioned Lexi to raise the bed so that she could actually sit up and meet Cora’s eyes. Lexi fiddled with the controls and the bed shifted into a sitting position. The slight motion jarred her shoulder a little and Ryder grimaced. Cora’s eyes flicked over to the dressing over Ryder’s chest. It didn’t take a doctor to know something was horribly wrong there. “I’m going to go take a nap. Let me know if you need me,” Lexi said as she exited the med-bay. 

“Thanks Lexi,” Ryder said before turning her attention to Cora. “Report.”

Cora squared her shoulders and caught Ryder up with their status. “The salarians are now situated in the cargo bay,” she said, concluding the lengthy report. Cora had left out the entire search and rescue operation for Ryder’s team. Unsure how much she should say, Cora erred on the side of caution.

“The emitters were planted?” Ryder asked. “It’s not possible it was an accident that the emitters were there?”

Cora shook her head. “No, the two emitters were specifically engineered to lure the wildlife to attack that particular position.”

“In short, a trap.”

Cora nodded. “But for who?”

Ryder shook her head, she had a feeling it was for her but she didn’t want to say it out loud. “What’s our heading?” she asked instead. 

“We are on our way to the Nexus. ETA 15 hours to the Nexus.”

Ryder nodded. She frowned a little as she did a quick calculation in her mind. “How long did we stay on Havarl?”

“Slightly over 48 hours,” Cora confirmed. 

“Have Jaal informed his people?” she asked. 

Before Cora could answer, the door to the med-bay opened. A familiar blue figure stepped through. “You’re awake,” Jaal said, his velvet voice brought a small smile to Ryder’s face. 

A small one, because it hurt to smile too. “Yeah, Cora is catching me up,” she said. “Cora, could you gather what you can from Vetra’s report? We’ll need it when we get to the Nexus. If you think you can get Gil or Kallo to talk to the salarians about their mission. Maybe we’ll catch a lucky break.”

“That’ll be the day,” Cora snorted as she left the med-bay.

Jaal crossed the space between them and fit his large frame onto a small stool that’s next to her bed. His gloved hand covered hers and he gave it a little squeeze. “Ryder you got to stop doing this. The med-bay isn’t your home.”

Ryder chuckled ruefully before wincing. “No jokes please,” she begged. 

“Jaal, are you ok?” she asked, rubbing her finger over his gloved knuckles. Her eyes lingering over the lines on his face. The weariness was evident on the dullness of his skin and eyes. 

“Now that you are back, I’m fine.”

Ryder’s face darkened. That particular gap in her memories bothered her. Nobody knew what happened, they were only there for the aftermath. Now, everyone was tip toeing around her like she was made of glass. The edge of her memories was still a shifting line in the sand that changed with every crash of the waves.

Jaal noticed the change in Ryder’s demeanour. He pulled the glove off his hand and held her hand, offering her comfort in his special way. Her reaction was instantaneous. Ryder jerked her hand away and started hyperventilating. Her eyes distant.

“Ryder, it’s me,” he said.

Jaal’s bare hand grazed against Ryder’s bare shoulder and she started screaming over and over again. “No! Please, no more!”

Ryder’s left arm flared blue with biotics and she slammed it into Jaal’s chest. The blow connected solidly and it threw Jaal off balance. He fell with a crash and the noise jarred Ryder back to reality. She blinked and realised what she had done. “SAM! Get Lexi here,” she shouted. 

* * *

Cora was applying medi-gel to Jaal’s chest. It was starting to turn a deep purple. Ryder watched unblinkingly. “Sorry,” she said for the fifth time. 

“It’s not your fault, Ryder,” Jaal said, grimacing as he pulled his shirt on again. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Lexi smeared more medi-gel over Ryder’s re-opened shoulder wound before dressing it again. “Still, I’m sorry,” Ryder repeated, sighing. 

Jaal made a movement to leave the med-bay. “Jaal, don’t go,” Ryder said before turning to Cora and Lexi. “Could you two give us some privacy?”

Lexi nodded. Vetra had moved Peebee back to the crew quarters earlier due to the commotion. The door hissed closed leaving them alone. Ryder’s brown eyes dulled with weariness. “I’m sorry,” she said. 

“You got to stop apologising, Ryder. I should be the one to apologise,” Jaal said, chuckling before wincing. “You pack a good punch.”

Ryder shook her head. “I wasn’t apologising for the punch, though I apologise for that too. My memories are coming back and I remembered my… ahh… request,” she said, raising her arm to rub the back of her neck before aborting the gesture. 

Jaal just nodded. He had totally forgotten about it. His need to find Ryder overrode everything else. “Though I might have gotten a better bargain than what you had initially expected,” she said, flippantly. 

“Ryder, that’s not funny.” 

“It has to be, otherwise I might just scream,” she said, squeezing her eyes shut.

Neither spoke. The silence settling in an uncomfortable shroud over them. “Have you reported in yet?”

Jaal shook his head. “There was too much going on,” he admitted. 

“You should do it as soon as possible. It won’t look good if your report is only 15 hours ahead of the whole mess spilling open. My plan does hinge on you letting the Moshae know.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, this was the first he heard of this. “Plausible deniability and all that for you. Things are not as simple as it seemed. Get a copy of Cora’s report. I hope it will help smooth things a little,” Ryder said. 

Jaal nodded. Though it pained him to see Ryder in this state, he didn’t feel adrift any longer. The chasm that was yawning between them before was now just a tiny gap, one that he tend to bridge with a single step. “We’ll get through this,” he said, taking care to put on his gloves again. “Get some rest.”

Ryder nodded. 

* * *

Lexi was waiting for Jaal as he exited the med-bay. “Come on, I need to talk to you,” she said as she motioned him to the galley. 

They entered to find Drack pottering around inside. “Sit,” Lexi said. 

Jaal eased himself onto the bench, wincing a little. “You probably got to keep your hands gloved around Ryder for now,” Lexi said, accepting a cup of tea Drack made. 

“Camomile tea,” Drack muttered at Lexi as she nodded her thanks. 

“Did my bio-electricity trigger Ryder’s reaction?” Jaal asked, frowning. 

Sipping on the tea, Lexi nodded. “You saw the burnt marks all over her body?” she asked. 

Jaal nodded. Drack sat down on the bench next to him, across from Lexi. It bent a little under Drack’s weight. “Those are caused by electricity,” Lexi said. “Your bio-electricity might be triggering flashbacks for her.”

Anger twisted Jaal’s guts. “Whoever they are, I will hunt them down and gave them a taste of their own medicine!” he growled. 

“Count me in,” Drack rumbled. 

* * *

The next 15 hours past uneventfully. Ryder’s memories were almost all back but it stopped right at the point when she left Liam to investigate some gun fire. Ryder hadn’t spoken a word of what happened after. It’s probably anyone’s guess if she didn’t remember or she just didn’t want to talk about it. The way her face darkened everything she caught a glance at her body, Lexi guessed bits and pieces were coming back. 

“Can’t I have the operation after I’ve met with the Nexus leadership?” Ryder asked. “And do I really have to go in a gurney?”

“Does your shoulder not hurt? Don’t you want to regain full mobility on that shoulder?” Lexi replied. “The meeting can wait, your shoulder can’t.”

Ryder hated it when Lexi answered her question with a question. It just meant that it was a dumb question in the first place. Ryder rolled her eyes in response. 

“And you can’t walk yet. Your feet still need a few more days before it’s healed enough to not break open when you start walking.” 

Ryder frowned. She knew she was just being difficult. “Are you going to be doing the operation?”

Lexi shook her head. “I’m not trained for that. You will be in good hands, Ryder,” she said. 

She brunched the sheets under her hands. Somehow the thought of going under the knife was bringing an anxiety up in her gut. She didn’t understand where it came from. She didn’t remember having such apprehension before. The Tempest had already started the docking process. It won’t take long before the medical team would be here with their gurney. Ryder pushed her jitters aside, she had the Director of the Andromeda Initiative to take down. 

Ryder turned to Cora. “Do whatever you have to,” she said. “Stall Tann for as long as you can. If you can keep the salarians on the Tempest, do so. Sound out Addison with the report you have compiled. Maybe get Drack to speak with Kesh. Get one of them to call for an emergency council.”

Cora nodded. “Just get yourself healed up. I’ll take care of things.” 

Jaal watched as Ryder flung orders left and right even as she sat half broken in the med-bay. It was barely 48 hours since her rescue and she was working like it never happened, albeit from a bed, wearing a medical gown, not the most Pathfinder-y of clothes. He frowned, not happy that he was responsible for making her injuries worse. _Far better if I had stayed away._ Finally, Ryder turned to him and asked, “I’m not about to give you orders but maybe you could fill me in on what Evfra and the Moshae thought about the ahhh…incursion?”

“I’ll be meeting the Moshae once we docked. I’ll know more after the meeting. She wasn’t happy at the news to put it lightly,” Jaal admitted. 

“I know I wouldn’t be. Hopefully we will be able to garner enough support from Addison and Kesh to take Tann out of the Leadership. Or at least have the Moshae ask for an official investigation,” Ryder said. “It’s too bad that Vetra didn’t manage to get any evidence and the salarian team was either clueless or just too tight lipped.”

She sighed, rising her left arm before aborting the gesture. “Fuck, I really should remember my bloody clavicle is broken.”

“Ryder,” SAM’s voice came through the speakers. “The Nexus medical team has arrived and are requesting permission to board.”

“Permission granted.”

Ryder was swiftly moved onto the gurney and wheeled to the medical centre. She thanked the gods that no reporters were around to commit this horrible image of her to history. Though she put on a brave face for the others, her anxiety was getting the better of her. Surrounded by people she didn’t know and didn’t trust, Ryder wasn’t in the best head space. The events she put into motion would get along with or without her but it didn’t seemed right to be out of the picture at this crucial point. 

Ryder winced again as the team transferred her to the operating table. Her gown was quickly removed before blankets and drapes were piled onto her. She saw some of the nurses’ eyes went wide before quickly schooling their features into a mask of professionalism. A masked salarian face came into her field of vision while another asari was securing her arms to the arm rests. Her heart rate spiked as she remembered being immobile and helpless. The salarian spoke calmly and slowly, “Don’t worry, you are in good hands.”

The salarian pressed a mask over her nose and mouth. Ryder took deep breaths to calm her racing heart. _I’m fine. I’m safe._ There was a sharp pain in her arm and it wasn’t long she was pulled under. 

* * *

“Jaal,” the Moshae greeted. “It’s good to see you though I’ll prefer it that it doesn’t come with bad news.”

Jaal inclined his head acknowledging the Moshae’s rebuke. The Moshae beckoned Jaal to follow her into her office. It was smaller than Director Tann’s but furnished similarly with Initiative supplied furniture. The Moshae had added her personal touch with a rug or two of angara made, along with several pots of plants native to Aya. The scent of native flora relaxed Jaal more than he knew. The tension on his neck and shoulders began to lift. _I’ve been away from my own people for far too long._

“How are you, Jaal?” the Moshae asked as she gestured him to take a seat at a low table made of a native tree that anagaras favoured. Jaal relaxed on one of the cushion scattered around the table. The Moshae’s eyes met his as she slid into a cushion of her own. Her wizened eyes seemed to see through him. It was a vulnerability that he had not experienced in a long time. 

Angaras wore their hearts on their sleeves but Jaal had not been doing that for a long time, since boarding the Tempest. He wasn’t used to being bare to the world anymore. “Jaal, you seemed to have strayed from the angara way,” she said, taking his hands into her own. 

Their bio-electricity fields mingled and it spoke more than his words ever could. The touch didn’t communicate memories like an asari mind meld but it revealed his emotions. Thus, all his doubts and worries were an open book for the Moshae to peruse at her pleasure, just as hers was to him. Jaal was a gentleman and had refrained from that. It was not entirely appropriate without the express permission of his teacher. As his teacher, it was the Moshae’s responsibility to keep an eye on her students wellbeing, intellectually, physically and emotionally. 

The crude and rudimentary way Ryder was able to read his bio-electricity was like a baby babbling their first words. Even with her biotics, she was only able to convey single words, simple ideas. The Moshae held onto Jaal’s hands for a long while. Tears sprang to his eyes as he rode the waves of love, compassion and understanding. “Child,” she said as she wiped the tears from his face. “Welcome home.”

Jaal let the fears and anxieties all out with his tears. It took him a while to calm down but he felt so much lighter. “Thank you, I needed that,” he said, wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

“Clearly,” she said, pulling her hands back into her lap. 

She tapped a couple buttons on her newly acquired omni tool and got Evfra on vid-comm. “These Milky Way devices are really useful,” she remarked, at nobody in particular. 

Jaal straightened where he sat as Evfra’s image appeared in the middle of the table. “Have you read Jaal’s report?”

Evfra nodded and shifted his attention to Jaal. His piercing glare spoke adequately when it pinned Jaal where he sat. “Am I to believe that you just received this information from the human Pathfinder?”

“No,” Jaal admitted. “I had received this information at least 4 standard days ago.”

Evfra’s face darkened. “Are you even capable of being objective when it comes to that human?” he asked. 

Jaal’s eyes flashed. “She has been nothing but a friend of the angaras. She had requested time to allow her to show good faith by fixing the problem. I merely thought it was right to offer her to the chance to do so.”

“You have over-stepped your bounds. This isn’t a decision you can make alone,” Evfra snapped. 

The Moshae raised her hand. “That maybe the case but I think Jaal didn’t make this decision lightly. Ryder deserved our trust. She had succeeded in six months what we have failed for decades,” she pointed out. 

Evfra’s anger though banked but was just simmering under the surface. “I had granted her 48 hours to do so but she had been…” Jaal paused, somehow his throat grew parched when he got to that part. “She was captured by unknown enemies for two days.”

The Moshae turned to face Jaal at the news. “Is Ryder all right?”

He shook his head and grimaced. “She is currently receiving treatment as we speak.”

“Are they the same people responsible for the incursion?” Evfra asked. 

“It’s unclear but I think it is unlikely that the Director had sent the Tempest in to rescue his team only to kidnap the Pathfinder.” 

Evfra nodded, accepting Jaal’s explanation. The debriefing veered off into talks about Eezo and the more scientific aspects of his report. He was rubbing his hand over his forehead by the end. Evfra was on fire as he started making plans on mitigating the breach in security. “I will began extraditing the non-angaras on Havarl and start on tightening our borders on all our planets,” he said. “We should demand the Leadership investigate Director Tann.”

The Moshae raised a hand. “Are we even sure, Ryder would be successful in what she proposed to do?”

Jaal eyed the Moshae. The pit of his stomach free falling. 

“She is but one person, one Pathfinder. From what I know of Nexus politics, your Pathfinder isn’t very popular with the Leadership,” she continued. “We need to play this close to the vest, as the humans say.”

Jaal sat through the rest of the debrief with unease. The anxiety that was released earlier was coming back in force. 


	13. The Council

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott didn’t have to wonder long what secret information was passed along. A couple of minutes later, the door to the council room slid open, Ryder arrived with Vetra at her back. Her hover-chair slid neatly into the space between Cora and Scott. Vetra took a seat next to him. 
> 
> Ryder sat with her back straight in the hover-chair, her face wearing the Pathfinder mask. Her paleness did spoil the effect a little and wearing a large hoodie, sweat pants and having her arm in a sling didn’t had the same effect of wearing her usual Initiative uniform or armour for that matter. Scott shrugged internally. _You can’t have everything._
> 
> “Now that everyone is _finally_ here, Kesh care to enlighten us why is this council being called,” Tann said, leaning back into his chair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this chapter has quite a few bits added to it just before I post so it might have more typos or weird wording than usual. Drop me a comment if you find any, and I'll correct them. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are really really appreciated and they make my day!

Ryder woke up naturally this time in a sitting position no less, propped up with pillows for both her back and her arm. No Lexi rousing her, no endless questions, nobody doubting her own memory but herself. She turned her head and realised there was a familiar figure slumped over in a chair next to her bed. A smile tugged at her mouth. 

Scott was snoring lightly with his head resting on his hands. His hands were propped against his knees. Ryder didn’t think it was an entirely comfortable position to be in. His body hunched over precariously balanced. She sniggered a little as she stretched her foot out and nudged him. Scott gave a startled snort and jerked awake. His eyes searching out for the culprit before resting on a grinning Ryder. “Is that the way to greet your brother?” he asked rubbing sleep from his eyes. 

Ryder’s grin grew wider. “Only if I find them sleeping like you did,” she quipped. “I didn’t know you were in the Nexus.”

“You would if you had read your mail,” Scott retorted. “I sent you one a couple of days ago.”

Ryder looked away. “I was ahhh… busy a couple of days ago,” she said, the memories flashed behind her eyes. 

“Hey, Sara,” Scott said, his hand hovering over hers, as if unsure she would accept his touch. “Are you all right?”

She sank back to her pillows. “Now? No, not really. It hurts, every fucking where. How did you know I was here?”

“Cora got in touch with me as soon as you guys docked,” he said. “She told me a little of what happened. Do you want to talk about it?”

Somehow seeing her brother cracked the walls that Ryder had put up between the vague memories of her ordeal. Her hands clenched into fists, bunching up the sheets. Scott watched as the walls crumbled as his baby sister’s face collapsed. Her brow knitted as her lips trembled. She squeezed her eyes shut but the tears just refused to come. “They did things to me, Scott,” she said, her voice cracking. 

Scott reached out and wrapped his arm around his sister, the usually strong warrior of a sister he had. She accepted the touch and leaned her head onto the crook of his neck. Dry sobs wracked her body as words dragged the vague memories from her mouth. Scott listened and his grip on his sister tightened as the event unfolded in her words. Scott didn’t know how long they remained in that position but eventually Ryder was reduced to hitching breaths. His arm ached a little when he finally released Ryder from his embrace. Wincing a little as she leaned back onto the bed, she said, “You are a pretty good listener, Scott.”

“It’s the least I could do, baby sister.” He smiled. 

“12 minutes doesn’t count,” Ryder countered. 

“Get some rest. I’ll be back later.”

Scott found Cora sitting on a bench just outside Ryder’s room. Cora’s eyes met his. Her light brown eyes told him that she had heard at least some of their conversation. “How is she?” she asked. 

“Sleeping now,” he said. “The doctor said the operation was a success. She just needs to be diligent with her physical therapy to regain full mobility.”

Cora nodded, though that wasn’t what she was referring to, she didn’t push. As they exited the medical centre, Cora sighed. “How are you holding up?” he asked, concern shining in his eyes. “You look like you need a good meal.”

Cora laughed, warmed by his concern. “How did you know?” she asked. 

“That’s always the problem for Sara.”

Scott steered her to a nearby restaurant that served a variety of cuisines. They even have a couple angara dishes on the menu. As they waited for their food to arrive, Scott asked Cora, “How much did you hear?”

“Most of it,” Cora admitted. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to overhear.”

Scott shrugged. “You’re her XO. It’s something you need to know, operationally.”

“Did she tell you who were the ones responsible?”

He shook his head. “She told me she didn’t remember and it scares her. Anyone walking by her might be the one and she wouldn’t know. How do you defend yourself against something like that?” he spat the words, balling his hands into fists. “How do I protect her from it?”

Cora reached over and held Scott’s hands. His heart rate spiked a little at the contact but slowly relaxed. She squeezed his hands and tipped his face to look at her. “Hey, she’ll be fine. Lexi says it’s common to suffer memory loss due to concussions. Hers was more severe than the regular bumps you get from a sparring session. Her memory will be back and when it does, we will get the goddess damned assholes.”

Scott was a little startled by the fierceness he saw in Cora’s eyes but he took comfort in it. Her hands fit well in his and it warmed his heart. “Count me in when the time comes,” he said. 

Their server arrived with their orders and Scott was a little disappointed at having to relinquish Cora’s warm hands. As they ate, Cora updated him on Ryder’s plan. “Can we count on your support?” she asked. 

Scott frowned. “You know who you are asking right?” he asked. “The brother of the person who had this hare-brained plan.”

Cora laughed. “I wasn’t able to keep the salarian team from Tann. He had practically forced himself on the Tempest and marched off with the team as soon as Ryder was off the ship,” she said, voice turning serious again. 

He grimaced, politics was a game Tann played very well. 

“I’m sure Captain Zaex had debriefed Tann by now. If Ryder wants to accomplish when she intends to, she’ll have to move fast. Addison was concerned but she wouldn’t actually do anything,” Cora said, frowning. “Says she will be impartial but she wouldn’t commit to backing Ryder’s play. I bet she just wants to cover her ass.”

Scott sighed. Addison was a fair boss, her heart was in the right place but she’s bad at communicating without being brusque. He was used to Addison by now and being her assistant, rather runner, he had to smooth a lot of ruffled feathers over. At least, Scott was good at it by now. Ass covering wasn’t something Addison was interested in but she didn’t move just because a Ryder said so. 

“Drack was able to get Kesh to call for a emergency council. Tann will probably know something is up by now. It’s scheduled for tomorrow but I don’t know if Ryder will be up for it,” Cora said

“One thing for sure is Sara will never forgive us if she misses the council,” Scott said, laughing ruefully. He knew his sister well enough to know she never liked when others fight her battles for her. 

“Don’t I know it,” she replied as she stood up. “It’s nice having a meal with you. We should do this more often.”

A genuine smile spread over his face not the one that he typically used for disgruntled colonists and outpost leaders or people Addison had pissed off. “I’d that very much.”

* * *

After Scott left, Ryder was tired but a little too agitated to sleep. Lexi had restored connection to her omni tool while they were en-route to the Nexus. Tapping at it, she scrolled through the numerous mails she received. Ryder was just not in the mood to be the Pathfinder for now, at least. 

“SAM,” she called out. 

“Yes Ryder,” came the reply promptly. 

Hearing SAM’s voice coming through her omni tool was better than not at all. She remembered feeling so naked without SAM. “I missed being able to talk to you,” she said. 

“I’m sorry, Ryder,” SAM said. 

She frowned. “Why are you apologising?”

“I wasn’t there for you, like how you all were there for each other after your mother’s death. I’ve seen how people took comfort in another’s presence during traumatic events.”

“SAM, my mother isn’t dead,” she reminded. 

“That’s not what I meant. I mean…”

“I know what you mean,” Ryder said as she clenched and unclenched her right fist. “This isn’t something I would never wanted you to share, to be there for. I wouldn’t want you to learn from this experience.” 

“But I might have been able to alert the others of your location. I might have been able to shut down your pain receptors. You could play dead again.”

Ryder shuddered at that last suggestion. That wasn’t an option she would have considered. Three deaths in, it was still just a darkness so utter on the other side. Ryder had no wish to see it again for a good long time.

“Still, I wouldn’t want you to learn the pain from… this. I wouldn’t have said no if you were able to get the others to me earlier but no. Just no. There is nothing good to learn from this.”

“I…”

“SAM, it’s fine. I understand where you are coming from but… Let’s just drop the subject.”

“Understood, Ryder.”

“When can I get you back in my head?” she sighed, asking in a bid to steer the conversation away. 

“For connection to be re-established, you would require a hard line link to the node on the Hyperion,” SAM replied. 

“So that means a trip to Meridian.”

“But I would advise against it and to only attempt it once your concussion symptoms are cleared.”

“And how long would that be?” Ryder frowned, that’s wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Without SAM with her, especially when she was off the Tempest made her feel anxious somehow. A slow grade buzzing at the back of her neck. It was like she was missing a pair of eyes watching her six at all times. 

“Based on average length of recovery, it can be anything between days to months.”

Ryder sighed and squeezed her eyes shut as the door slid open and a pair of nurses came in. “Pathfinder,” one of them greeted cheerfully. “It’s good that you are awake. It’s time to change your dressings.”

* * *

Kandos sighed as he tidied his desk. He glanced at the missing person’s report on his desk. Yes, Tann’s old aide had gone missing, rather she hadn’t turned up at the colony as she was supposed to. It wasn’t his job to hunt down missing colonists usually but Tann’s old aide had a certain amount of clearances so this landed on his desk. He sighed. There were so many things to do and a missing person was the least of his worries. Kandros glanced at his omni tool. It was time for the council. His mandibles pressed flat against his face. _What can this be about?_

Addison’s thoughts weren’t the perfect calm and control like her face was. They were racing and running down the endless pathways this mess could lead to. Harper had came to her with reports that blew her mind. She frowned at the memory of the meeting. _A kidnapped Pathfinder, a rescue mission gone wrong, a Director mad with power?_ If what Harper had told her was true, Tann was a bad apple and he had to be removed. Addison sighed. _This is going to be nasty business either way._

Kesh was in a bad mood after speaking with Drack. After reviewing what Drack could tell her, Kesh had convened the emergency council as he wanted. Kesh just hoped Ryder knew what she was doing. Tann might be unpleasant but he wasn’t completely incompetent. She sighed as her omni tool chimed. _What now?_

Lifting a claw to tap on her omni tool, she realised it was a mail from Vorn. A small smile graced her stiff countenance. She had been looking forward to his almost weekly mail since they started corresponding months ago. The short message opened and she read it. 

_Your eyes are dark and black like a seed._

_Your markings are bright and blue like a flower._

_Your will strong like a tree._

_You are the life giving flora to my fauna._

_I look forward to seeing you soon, dear Kesh._

A strangled laughter erupted from Kesh. _Did that foolish krogan just attempted poetry?_ That felt good. She was sure she’ll need it to counter what’s to come later. 

Keana T’vera, the latest additional to the Nexus Leadership but probably one of the oldest there, was straightening her Initiative uniform in front of the mirror. Her indigo skin set off the red markings that traced the edges of her brow and angled upwards towards her crest. 

She had been one of those that had ran off to join the Eclipse sisterhood during her Maiden years. Time with the Eclipse had taught her a lot about taking and giving orders. Surprisingly, once she decided it was time to leave the blood shed of mercenary life, T’vera found her innate ability to manage hot-blooded bloodthirsty mercenaries translated well into administration of a security firm. She was heading a high end personal protection firm when the Initiative had approached her. By then, she was approaching her Matron years and was craving for a change. Turns out, a change included a 600 year trip out into Andromeda. 

Taking a deep breath, satisfied with what she saw in the mirror, T’vera turned towards the door and headed for the council. She knew this emergency council would be where she could distinguish herself.

* * *

Scott eyed Tann who was sitting at the large circular table that dominated the room. In the middle was a holo-screen that displayed the Initiative logo. Scott sat down leaving a space empty between him and Cora. He couldn’t quite believe Tann was that stupid. The things that Cora told him basically proved his short-sightedness. He frowned as his gaze shifted to the salarian next to Tann. That one had a subtle military stance to him. Scott would bet the not inconsiderable money in his and Sara’s joint account that he was probably the Captain that Cora and her team rescued. 

Scott shifted a little in his seat. He glanced at Jaal and found the angara observing him. Jaal was standing behind the Moshae. He inclined his head in greeting. Jaal returned the gesture. _Why isn’t Jaal with Sara?_

His eyes took a sweep of the table. It almost seemed as if there were lines drawn across the table. Everyone were divided along some invisible lines. Tann and the Moshae were on the opposite ends. Addison and Kandros sitting side by side. Next to Cora were Kesh and T’vera the newcomer to the table of power. Scott sighed and sneaked a look at Cora. She was busy reviewing her notes on her omni tool. 

His eyes tracked Tann’s secretary bending over to whisper something into Tann’s ear. Scott spared only a moment’s thought about the asari secretary Tann used to have. _She probably requested for a position change because who could stand Tann._

Scott didn’t have to wonder long what secret information was passed along. A couple of minutes later, the door to the council room slid open, Ryder arrived with Vetra at her back. Her hover-chair slid neatly into the space between Cora and Scott. Vetra took a seat next to him. 

Ryder sat with her back straight in the hover-chair, her face wearing the Pathfinder mask. Her paleness did spoil the effect a little and wearing a large hoodie, sweat pants and having her arm in a sling didn’t had the same effect of wearing her usual Initiative uniform or armour for that matter. Scott shrugged internally. _You can’t have everything._

“Now that everyone is _finally_ here, Kesh care to enlighten us why is this council being called,” Tann said, leaning back into his chair. 

Kesh ignored Tann and nodded to Ryder. Scott watched as Tann’s mouth twisted at the slight. Kesh flicked her eyes back to Tann and rose to her full height. “There is no need to be uncivil. The Pathfinder was receiving treatment for her injuries.”

“Fine, let’s get on with this. I actually have a job to do,” Tann retorted.

Kesh turned to Ryder. “Why are we here, Pathfinder?” she asked. 

Ryder turned to face Tann who lifted his chin at her. Scott crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back. Everyone had their eyes on his sister but he had his eyes on Tann. Her words weren’t loud but everyone heard her. “I am formally accusing Director Tann of breaking the treaty we have the Angara Nations.”

The out roar was instantaneous. T’vera stood up, “Pathfinder Ryder, where did the accusation come from? Do you have proof?”

Kandros’ subharmonics thrummed in confusion and alarm while Addison’s eyes narrowed. Her eyes calculating and observing and Scott could almost see the cogs in his boss’ head twisting and turning. 

T’vera went on, “Pathfinder Ryder, this isn’t due process. You should have come to me first if Director Tann gave you an illegal order.”

Kesh wasn’t shocked with the turn of events, she merely leaned back and watched with keen eyes. Drack had obviously provided her with the entire string of events that led up to this council. The Moshae looked almost serene while Tann was just plain smug. Scott glanced at his sister who was sitting still as a mountain, unmovable and unshakable. It was a path she was determined to see through, come what may. 

Tann stood up and called for silence. “Where’s your proof, Pathfinder? You can’t come in here and throw words around and expect me to bow down.”

Ryder turned to Cora and nodded. Cora tapped a couple times on her omni tool and everyone else’s omni tool beeped. “That’s a report of the actions Director Tann had instructed me to take…” her voice trailed off, frowning, as she glanced at Cora. 

“6 days,” Cora filled in. 

“…6 days ago. Inside the report is a summary of the instructions given by Director Tann to me. The action report of the mission and an report of my teams’ observation of the salarian team found on Havarl.”

Everyone had their eyes glued to their omni tools as they scanned through the report. Slowly but surely the noise picked up once more as they began digesting the information in the report. Addison conferring with Kandros while T’vera looked outraged. Ryder was currently engaged in a starring contest with Tann, if his experience was anything to go by, his sister would be too stubborn to actually lose. She’d rather dry her eyes out than look away, though the salarian’s large wet eyes might give her a run for her money. Cora sneaked a glance at Vetra then at him. He shrugged in response.

Kesh slammed her fist down onto the table. “Silence!” she roared. 

For a long moment, nobody spoke, nobody moved. “Director Tann, do you have anything to say in response to Pathfinder Ryder’s accusations?” she asked, oddly formal. 

“Where is your proof? Reports? Observations? What’s that?” Tann snorted. “You have nothing. You are just out to get me. I dare say every word is a lie.”

Scott felt more than saw Ryder’s attempt to stand up. He clamped a hand down on his sister’s arm. Sara’s muscles rippled under his hand before finally relaxing again. Scott felt her cooler hand on his. Tann sneered at them. Sara’s brown eyes flashed with anger. 

“A lie? You sent a team down to Havarl, Tann. Their home world! Can you imagine someone doing that to Sur'Kesh? You were the one who sent us down to rescue the team after they got into trouble, which you sent under false pretences!” she said, her voice getting louder with each sentence. “What of trust? What of building something together?”

Tann glowered as Sara levelled allegation after allegation at him. “You had them looking for eezo, that’s practically the single most important resource in the cluster.” she went on.

“Are you sure you are remembering things correctly?” Tann asked, interrupting patronisingly. 

Scott’s eyes narrowed. _What is he trying to imply?_

He tapped on his omni tool making a show of reading the report and spoke without looking at Ryder. “I sent the team down?” Tann asked. “What proof do you have?”

“The fact that we actually found them there?”

Tann turned Captain Zaex and asked. “Captain, please tell everyone why you were on Havarl?”

“My team was on Havarl as an escort to the scientists allowed there. The scientists are a part of the knowledge exchange between the Nexus and the Angara Nations. It was done entirely in accordance to the Meridian treaty.”

Tann turned to the assembled and spread his arms wide as if to say _see_. “What were the scientists there to do?” Tann asked. 

“I am not made aware of their mission. However from what I understand, they were studying the native flora to determine if they were edible for the Milky Way species,” Captain Zaex replied. 

“Captain Zaex is a decorated officer of the salarian military prior to joining the Initiative. He had proven his worth and loyalty during the uprising unlike some here who got their position by being born to the right parents.”

His sister’s right fist flashed blue for a split second as she slammed it down on the table. Scott stared at the dent it created. “You can say I got my position through my father’s nepotism or a fluke but you can never say the same of my brother. Scott has earned his position through his own efforts!”

Scott’s heart grew three sizes at her words. The pride Sara put into her words meant a lot to him. Ever since he woke up, he felt he was constantly trying to catch up. Sara Ryder, his sister, the only Pathfinder for a while, then the Shield of Meridian and all round fucking hero. Him? Just a regular old Scott Ryder riding on his sister’s coat tails. He had not realised how she saw him. He squeezed Sara’s shoulder in appreciation. _Her good shoulder._

The majority of his childhood was a constant catch up with Sara’s all round prowess at all things combative. He had always needed his father’s training and personal attention. Their childhoods were vastly different as a result of it. Now, sitting at the council with his baby sister and hearing what she actually thought, Scott sat straighter with pride.

“You are hardly objective, Pathfinder,” Tann said. 

“Watch your words, Tann,” Addison snapped. “Scott has proven himself.”

Scott kept his face as impassive as Sara’s but he was turning cartwheels in his head. He wished he could run over and give Addison a kiss. 

“That’s not what we’re here to discuss. We are here to address the accusations that Pathfinder Ryder has directed against Director Tann,” Kandros said, attempting to steer the conversation back. 

T’vera stood up and raised her hands in attempt to call the council to order. “It’s not fair to spring this upon us like this, Pathfinder Ryder. An internal investigation can be launched if you have sufficient evidence. Director Tann deserves due process. Testimonials can’t be the only evidence you have. Do you have any physical evidence?”

Ryder sank back into her chair with a soft grunt. “No,” she admitted, looking deflated. 

“You might be a Pathfinder but we can’t just take your word for it,” T’vera said. “This is a grave allegation.”

“It says here in your report you were captured and tortured for two days thus the return to the Nexus was delayed?” Tann interrupted. 

T’vera’s jaw snapped shut and glared at Tann’s interruption. “Where are you going with this?” she demanded. 

Scott uncrossed his arms and tried to relax them on the arm rests and failing. T’vera was an unknown. She’s new and it was unclear where she stood in this. So far, she had been impartial. 

“Forgive me for the interruption but bear with me, Director T’Vera,” Tann said before turning his attention back to Sara. “Ryder, you are clearly still traumatised from your ordeal.”

Scott felt Ryder flinched at Tann’s words. He glanced at his sister and saw her jaw tightened, a vein throbbing along her neck. Addison gasped at the news but hastily covered her mouth. Kandros and Kesh were immediately asking who was responsible. The Moshae didn’t react but Jaal’s expression grew pained. 

“So who was responsible? We can’t allow the perpetrators to go unpunished,” Tann pressed. 

Scott exchanged a look with Cora. He didn’t like the way this line of questioning was going. “Hey Sara, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” he whispered. 

His sister took a deep breath and gave him a wan smile. Her Pathfinder mask cracked a little to reveal his baby sister for a second before she straightened again. “It’s fine, Scott.”

All eyes were on her. “I don’t remember…” she confessed.

“Ahh… yes. I have it on good authority that you had suffered a severe concussion. Could your concussion caused you to imagine things that never happened?” Tann asked innocently. 

“We found the salarian team on Havarl, that’s a fact,” Cora pointed out. 

“Yes but I don’t remember ever asking you to go on this mission. Were you at this meeting where I allegedly gave this mission to the Pathfinder?” he asked Cora pointedly. 

Cora sighed and shook her head. “Do you have any other witnesses to this alleged meeting you had with me?”

“Your secretary was here when I went to see you,” Sara said. 

“Siegfried?” Tann asked. 

The secretary checked his omni tool. “Director Tann, the last meeting between you and the Pathfinder was more than 2 months ago.”

Scott sucked in a breath at the audacity of Tann. _How dare he?_ Tann had put his sister’s integrity into question, using her pain, her suffering. Something that’s still very fresh for everyone on the Tempest.

“How is Siegfried’s or Zaex’s testimonial any more reliable than Ryder’s?” Kesh asked. “If we are discounting testimonials, we have to discount all of them not just Ryder’s.”

T’vera turned to the Moshae, her hands clasped before her. “Does the Moshae has anything to say?”

Scott watched as Sara turned towards the angaras in the room, her face expectant as if she was counting on things to go a certain way. He couldn’t tell if she was looking at the Moshae or Jaal. Scott kept his eyes on Jaal. Brown eyes met blue, a pair human, a pair angara. Jaal looked torn and conflicted. Scott’s heart sank. _Not good…_

The Moshae stood up and said, “The angaras owe a great debt to Pathfinder Ryder.” 

Taking a deep breath, she continued, “But these accusations are grave and decisions shouldn’t be lightly on the word of one person.”

Ryder waited but the Moshae had nothing more to say. Scott saw the stiff posture she maintained throughout gone, her shoulders sagged. It was like the wind was punched out of her. Scott watched as Ryder leaned back against the chair, her eyes dulled and tired, a thin sheen of perspiration coating her forehead. She lowered her head and covered her eyes with her hand. It felt too much like defeat, seeing her like this. 

_If the Moshae wasn’t standing with Sara, who would? Would anyone? The angaras were the only ones able to demand for an internal investigation into Tann’s affairs. Sara was obviously counting on this._

Kesh sighed, her eyes flicked between Tann and Ryder. “I am calling the council to a close. Pathfinder, without any physical evidence, we cannot act,” she said. “The accusations are dismissed.”

T’vera was the first out the door but she didn’t leave before speaking to Sara. “This isn’t the way to get things done. The days of you running your Pathfinding team as you see fit are over. There are rules to things,” she said. “Be glad, there are no repercussions to your actions today.”

Sara just nodded, she hadn’t moved her hand from her face. Next was Tann along with his entourage. Scott glared at Tann while he smirked at all of them. Kandros placed a hand on Ryder’s shoulder giving it a squeeze before leaving while Addison bent down and whispered into Ryder’s ear. Scott couldn’t catch what she said but saw Sara nodding. Kesh shook her head while Ryder nodded in acknowledge. Then, it was only them and the angaras. 

The Moshae approached Ryder. “I’m sorry Ryder,” she said. 

Ryder huffed ruefully, looking up at the Moshae. “I had expected to have your support. Of everyone that were here, I thought I had the angaras’ support,” she said. “Guess I was wrong.” 

* * *

Jaal didn’t know what to say to her. He read exhaustion and defeat in Ryder’s shoulders. She barely had time to recover from the surgery to correct the damage to her clavicle and shoulder. And now this. His hand twitched, moving with a mind of its own. He wanted very much to reach out to Ryder, to touch her, to give her comfort but he knew enough that this wasn’t the time. He hoped there would be time for explanations. The gap between them now a gapping hole craved wider by politics.

Ryder hadn’t met his eyes when she spoke to the Moshae but Cora’s had. It was hard and furious. Cora was never one to hide her anger, her care and concern maybe but never her anger. The Moshae left the room but Jaal hesitated on the threshold, torn between duty and heart. “Ry…” he uttered. 

Before he could finish, Ryder grunted and sagged further into her chair. “I’m tired,” she whispered. 

Her brother stood quickly. “Let’s get you back to the medical centre,” he said. 

Ryder nodded mutely, her forehead back against her hand, covering her eyes. The contingent left. Leaving only the Moshae and him in the now empty room. His teacher looked at him, her eyes sad for him. As she moved towards her office, Jaal followed. 

The Moshae’s words from his meeting earlier rang in his ears. “We can’t make the same mistakes as we did with the Kett,” she said. 

Evfra cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

“If we shut down communication between the Nexus and the angaras, we’ll have no way to keep an eye on things. With me being here, we’ll have some measure of control. Isolation isn’t the way to go, we can’t afford a war with these Milky Way aliens,” the Moshae explained. 

Jaal felt blood drained from his face and neck-flaps. _Are they not going to back Ryder? They would leave her hanging out to dry?_ He knew Vetra wasn’t able to gather any physical evidence linking Tann directly to the salarian team on Havarl. Jaal guessed Ryder was counting on them to pressure the Nexus Leadership to do something. _Maybe asking for a joint investigation into the allegations or something! The Moshae is advocating not rocking the boat so that they can keep an eye on things?_

“So we are going to just abandon Ryder?” Jaal blurted. “She’s doing all she can to do right by us, to prevent this breaking down of bonds and we’re going to leave her hanging in the wind?”

Evfra snorted. “Jaal, your duty is to your people and their safety, not the feelings of one human,” his voice rang with derision. “The Moshae is right, if we lose this toe hold among the aliens, we lose the ability to control the situation. By remaining among them, we get to build our own influence. This isn’t the time to act. The human Pathfinder was too hasty in pushing for this council.”

“She risked her reputation, her life for this! We can’t just let Tann get away with this,” Jaal protested, his voice louder now. 

“We are not, child,” the Moshae reassured. “We are just not showing our hand just yet.”

And that was that. He had been relegated to the one who couldn’t see the bigger picture, the one who had his soul twisted around by a human. Jaal sat and watched as his teacher and commander plan how to appear neutral while shoring up their own defences and effectively blindsighting Ryder. _If only Akkusul could see this now, he’ll be so happy that Evfra is coming around to his view of things._

Jaal was only listening with half a ear. His thoughts swirling around in his head. The ties and bonds they had fought so hard to forge weren’t as strong as he had thought, the fear of aliens were too deep seated. 

“I can see why Akksul would find these new aliens no better than the Kett,” Evfra commented. 

Jaal shuddered at the memory of Evfra’s words, his feet still following the Moshae’s back to her office. 


	14. Putting Back the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Where’s Jaal?” Ryder asked, suddenly. 
> 
> Nobody spoke for a moment, though they were still slowly making their way back to the Tempest. “What?” she asked suspiciously. 
> 
> “He hasn’t reported back to the Tempest yet,” Cora replied, carefully eyeing Ryder. 
> 
> She shrugged single-shoulder. “Was he informed of the departure time?” she asked. 
> 
> Cora nodded. “Then he is a big boy. He can handle his own time management.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to all the comments and kudos I got last week! Let me know in the comments what you think about this chapter! I might release the second chapter this week later today. Busy day for me tomorrow.

Ryder walked slowly through the crowd at the docks. Scott hovering nearby while Vetra followed carrying a bag holding her belongings. Cora walked next to her as she asked, “So the resupply is completed?”

“Yes, the galley has been re-stocked. Power cells as well ammo supplies have been delivered. A new set of armour for you is already in your locker,” Cora replied. 

“Lexi wants you to drop by the med-bay once you are on board since you insisted on being discharged early,” Vetra piped up from behind. 

Ryder nodded, she had expected that much from Lexi. The debridement was done surgically three days ago, there was no reason why she couldn’t recover on the Tempest. Lexi was more than capable of taking care of the wounds. The Tempest wasn’t meant to be grounded, sitting in the docks waiting for her to recover. Ryder wanted off the Nexus and she wanted off now. 

She had gone from weariness to anger in quick succession, following the council where Tann practically lied through his fucking teeth. Her wounds hurt but her heart hurt more. Jaal hadn’t been by. Not before the council, not after either. Vaguely she wondered if her reaction to his bio-electricity made him stay away. 

“Where’s Jaal?” Ryder asked, suddenly. 

Nobody spoke for a moment, though they were still slowly making their way back to the Tempest. “What?” she asked suspiciously. 

“He hasn’t reported back to the Tempest yet,” Cora replied, carefully eyeing Ryder. 

She shrugged single-shoulder. “Was he informed of the departure time?” she asked. 

Cora nodded. “Then he is a big boy. He can handle his own time management.”

The party made their way to the Tempest while a human male observed them. He was just another face among the sea of faces at the Nexus. Nobody paid him any particular attention. He was a nondescript looking man of average height, black hair and dressed in the Initiative uniform as so many on the Nexus were. Once he was sure the group had entered the Tempest’s docking bay, he pushed off from the railing he was leaning against. 

His steps were sure as he weaved his way around the crowd. Slipping onto the tram with the crowd was easy, with the clearance he enjoyed, he even had access to a private cabin reserved only to a selected few. He exited the tram at Operations. Skirting around the stairs that led to Addison’s office, he entered the larger office that’s on the left. After entering he stopped at his own desk. He double checked his appearance in the reflection of his terminal. His hands fidgeted with his collar. Once he was sure, he looked good, he mounted the stairs to see his boss. 

“Director Tann, the Pathfinder’s party has boarded the Tempest,” he reported. 

Tann looked up from his work and nodded. “Thank you for your work, Siegfried,” he said. 

Siegfried knew he was being dismissed so he left his boss to his thoughts. Tann relaxed into his chair and sighed. The mental toll of having Ryder on the Nexus was doing a number on him. Tann caught a glimpse of his own reflection on window. Most other species wouldn’t have noticed but his skin was taking on a rather unhealthy pallor. It was too dry to be healthy for a species suited for a humid climate. The stress was getting to him. 

Tann prided himself on always being in control. He wielded red tape and protocol like a weapon. Though his position as the director of the Initiative was due to a fluke, he intended on making the most of it. _Not as much of a fluke as Ryder’s rise to her position._

The arrival of the Hyperion was at first a relief to him and the others but after the success Ryder had with Meridian, both in defeating the Archon and securing of Meridian for the humans, Tann couldn’t help but feel control was slipping from his fingers. Ryder’s ability to galvanise everyone including the angaras scared him. Though her actions had saved everyone from certain exaltation, Tann knew he couldn’t work with the human Pathfinder. Her choice of the Moshae as the Ambassador and then her suggestion of adding an asari voice to the Leadership was just proof she couldn’t, wouldn’t see reason. Expansion into a brand new cluster wasn’t something taken lightly. The human Pathfinder constantly overstepped her bounds and wouldn’t be bound by rules. 

Addison had paid lip service to opening the Meridian to the other species, Tann knew better. _Who would put the needs of other species ahead of their own? Nobody._ The species who found their golden world first would have a head start to populate Heleus. _There was no fighting if numbers were on your side. No matter how smart or effective you might be, it’s a numbers game in the end. It’s a matter of simply overwhelming everyone else till you are the majority._ Tann knew the clock had already started ticking the moment the Hyperion made land fall. The race had already began and only the humans had arrived for the party. Tann was desperately under pressure to secure a permanent home for his people. And he was determined to see this through within his lifetime. 

Tann frowned and took a sip of his cup of fruit juice, he was partial to aloe vera juice. He sighed as he allowed the flavours to fill his mouth. He knew what he had to do, bringing down the Shield of Meridian was just part of his plan to shift the influence away from the humans. Tann knew he was right to strike first and hard. It had always been the salarian way. When Mateo came with his tale of woe, it was just his way to gain a hold over Ryder. He relished the constant barbs thrown her way but those were only petty little victories. The Leadership deciding in his favour was sweet satisfaction. _She had nothing on me._

Tann took the omni tool cuff from his drawer and slipped it on. Most would have an omni tool chip implanted directly into their forearm but communication coming from and going out of that particular omni tool were all tagged with DNA. It wouldn’t do if a more secure form of communication was needed. 

He quickly tapped a message out. **The Ryder situation is under control.** With the message sent, he pulled the cuff off and threw it back into the drawer. He permitted himself a small smile, pleased that the situation was well under control. 

Making sure he locked the drawer before leaving the office. Tann nodded as he passed Siegfried on his way out. All it took was a simple promise to Captain Zaex to move his family up the queue and then a chat with Siegfried. His secretary was more than willing to aid his boss in any way he wanted. It was easy, child’s play. Ryder was hardly ready to play with the big boys. 

His steps took him to his favourite restaurant, it was a posh restaurant that sprung up recently that served authentic salarian cuisine, at least as authentic as they could so far away from Sur’Kesh. Thoughts of his home world brought his thoughts to the botched mission on Havarl. His contact’s information had always been good but not this time. _Why?_

His regular server left after taking his order. Tann leaned back into the chair, trying to relax. He wasn’t stupid. Tann had expanded his considerable resources tracing his mysterious contact when they had first reached out. All his searches had terminated in dead ends. He was cautious of course, double checking and triple checking the information but they checked out time and time again with no trouble. Every tiny bit of information led to undiscovered caches of resources. Their professed goal of finding a home planet for each Milky Way species aligned with his. He didn’t even had to do much for them. _What’s a little access to the outposts’ mainframes?_

He remembered the request for access to New Tuchanka’s mainframes that came along the details of the eezo deposit on Havarl. Morda had refused the request when he put it through the regular channels. Tann frowned at the memory. Morda was always going to be a torn in his side. 

Now though Tann decided it might be time to re-evaluate their partnership. If this came at the cost of the anagaras, it might not be worth it after all. _But everyone makes mistakes, there is no need to terminate a mutually beneficial relationship over a single mistake._ But it’ll still be easier to settle his people in a nice humid planet, working with the angaras than against them. _Maybe it’s time to ask for an update from Raeka on that front._

Tann ate slowly, savouring his lunch. He enjoyed the solitude of having lunch by himself. There was no distractions and he could sort those his thoughts in peace. Sure, sending the team to Havarl was foolhardy but he was eager to secure precious resources for the good of the people, all of them. Eezo was probably the single most valuable resource. No eezo, no exploration; no exploration, no home world for anybody else. Tann shook his head, his best intentions were never understood.

His omni tool chimed with a reminder for an impending vid-comm with Kandros regarding the recent of hacking attempt on the Nexus by Perseus. He shook his head, he was getting tired of hearing about them but they had proved to be hard to find, harder to eradicate. 

* * *

Ryder laid down on the bed at the med-bay. The scanner whined as it scanned. Lexi staring at the output from the scanner. “Any problems?” she asked. 

Lexi frowned. “Most of your wounds are healing well,” she said. 

“Then why are you frowning?” Ryder asked as she sat up with Lexi’s help. 

She settled her left arm back into the sling, she clenched and unclenched her hand to work her muscles. “I know you are 23 years old, young even for human standards but you can’t expect to keep doing this and expect your body to keep up. There is going to be limit how much your body can take,” Lexi said. 

“That day is not today, Lexi,” Ryder said. “Let me worry about it.”

The asari doctor sighed, giving in. “Fine, we’ll not talk about that,” she said. “How are your headaches and memory?”

Ryder looked away. Her arm instinctively raising to rub the back of her neck before wincing and dropping it. “Ryder, this is serious. I’m not asking you to tell me what happened but this is the only way we really have to determine if you have recovered from your concussion.”

She sighed, her brown eyes meeting Lexi’s blue ones. “The headaches come and go. I can remember everything from getting the mission from Tann to the deployment on Havarl and the crash. After the crash, it gets a little vague. I kind of recall a fight with some korgans, some humans,” Ryder said, her eyes took on a glaze. “After that…”

She stiffened, reliving the memories again. Her breaths grew sharp and fast. Recognising the signs of a flashback, Lexi held her hands. “Ryder, you are here on the Tempest. You are safe. You are home,” she said. 

As Lexi repeated her words over and over again, Ryder slowly relaxed and she blinked. Recognition slowly coming back to her eyes. “Sorry,” Ryder said. 

Lexi shook her head, “No, I should apologise. I shouldn’t have pushed. You should speak to a therapist, someone trained to treat PTSD. I can reach out to Harry to get some recommendations.”

Ryder shook her head. “I don’t want a stranger, Lexi,” she pleaded, her voice wavering. 

“But I am not trained for this…”

Ryder’s eyes flicked away then back at Lexi’s. She could see the Pathfinder’s mask stripped from Ryder’s face. The bare bones of Sara Ryder, the 23 year old who had seen too much, endured too much staring back at her. _Young, so young but carrying so much._ “I trust you,” Ryder said simply before sliding off the bed. 

She moved to exited the med-bay and turned back. “It’s you, or nobody,” Ryder said. “Let me know.”

Lexi sat there with her mouth agape. _She is the patient and she is giving me an option to refuse?_ There was no doubt. If Ryder trusted her, there was no way she would allow her to go untreated. Knowing the Pathfinder as well she did, Lexi knew Ryder would rather go untreated if she didn’t get her way. _Damn, the Ryder stubbornness._

* * *

Ryder made sure everything was settled before returning to her quarters. Scott had asked for a ride to Elaaden, saying he had some business to attend to at New Tuchanka. She was sure Scott could have hitch a ride with any other ship but he was just there to keep an eye on her. He had gotten over protective after learning what happened to her. _We’re twins for heaven’s sake, he’s not my older brother. Knowing him, he would probably point out he was born 12 minutes earlier._

“Jaal has reported in,” SAM’s voice came through via her omni tool. 

“Got it, let Kallo know to make way to Elaaden once we are clear to leave,” she said. 

“Acknowledged Ryder, it’s good to have you back on the Tempest,” SAM said. 

“It’s good to be home.”

Ryder sank down onto her chair. She might not show it to the crew but that little walk from the medical centre to the Tempest sapped her energy. It pissed her off feeling weak all the time. Having her dominant left arm in a sling was making things harder than it used to. She glanced at her journal and pen then at her left hand. Sighing, she decided to dictate an entry in her omni tool instead. _That, I don’t need any hands._

She leaned back against her chair when she finished the entry. Her eyes closed as she turned the question over and over again in her head. The fuzzy memories scared her. What did she not remember? What horrors were hidden behind the dark fog of non-memory? _What else was done to me that I just don’t remember?_ She had burn marks way too close to her crotch for her not to think about it. What if? Maybe it did happen? _I don’t know, I don’t fucking remember._ Was not knowing worse than actually knowing? Ryder wasn’t sure but right then the not knowing sucked. 

The door slid open interrupting her brooding. She turned and saw it was Scott. “Hey Sara, it’s time for dinner,” he said. 

“I’m not hungry, Scott.”

“Nonsense! You’re a biotic, you are always hungry,” he insisted. 

Ryder levelled a flat look at her brother before sighing and levering herself up from the chair. “Lead the way,” she said. 

She arrived at the gallery to find most of the crew all cramped in it. Peebee deposited a plate of steaming rice topped with fragrant steamed chicken done in typical South-East Asian style. “You must be sick of all the hospital food,” she said. “This should perk up your appetite.”

The food dispelled the dark questions from her mind. Ryder’s mouth was indeed watering. It was a dish that was popular on the Citadel, she didn’t think she would be able to eat it again in Heleus. “How?” she asked, eyeing the plate in her hands. 

Scott laughed. “How can I be your older brother and not know what’s your favourite food?” 

“Twin!” Ryder corrected.

Drack got up from the bench and it freed up more than enough space for Ryder to slide in. “But where did you get it?”

“I confess the seasoning were from a pre-mix pack that Vetra had tracked down. The rest were simple enough to acquire,” Cora said. 

“Don’t mind me if I tuck in,” Ryder said with barely contained eagerness. 

She dug into the food as if she had been starved for days. In a way, she was. Starved for her make-shift family, for comfort, for something normal. The crew sat around with her, eating and chatting. Ryder felt a semblance of normalcy settling into her bones. A knot that she didn’t know she had, loosen. Ryder breathed easier than she had in days.

“Peebee, Liam,” Ryder called. “How are your wounds?”

Liam waved his arm at Ryder. “I’m out of a cast!” he announced triumphantly. 

“But you are going to start PT tomorrow,” Lexi reminded as Liam groaned. 

Ryder turned to Peebee and jerked her chin at Peebee. “The cast is coming off in a day or two, meanwhile I’ll still be hobbling around in crutches.”

“Then, you will be my PT buddy!” Liam cheered while Peebee buried her face in her hands. 

Ryder laughed as she caught Drack looking at her. She gave him a smile. It was a smile that was genuine, not a front to reassure but just a simple gesture of contentment. 

* * *

The stitches on the kid’s face was giving her a new smile. Drack knew once the stitches dissolved, the scars would still remained. Absently, he wondered if Lexi told the kid yet. He knew how humans were with scars. They weren’t always viewed with pride, for having survived something bigger, stronger. He had seen many humans cover their scars up under clothes and tattoos as if they were badges of defeat. 

The line that ran across the kid’s right check was a silver line while the one cutting through her left eyebrow would probably forever be an angry red scar. He ran with enough human mercs to know that muscles under scars would tug and pull in ways different. Now the long horizontal one was giving the kid a strange dip in her check, like a horizontal dimple, when her mouth widened into a smile. Drack offered a approving grin back at her. 

* * *

He clapped a hand on her shoulder causing her to wince. “Drack,” Ryder groaned. “Watch the shoulder.”

The rest of them piled onto Drack, scolding him for forgetting with Lexi being the loudest among them. Though the crew were enjoying themselves, Ryder’s eyes was searching for the only one not there. They hadn’t spoke since before the council and Ryder knew a talk was long overdue. 

“Hey Scott, where are you sleeping tonight?” she asked as she stood up. 

Scott shrugged. “I thought I could just hot bunk with Liam or something,” he said. 

Ryder shook her head. “You can’t be depriving my crew or yourself of proper rest,” she mock scolded, grabbed a couple packets of angara nutrient paste and stuffing them into her pocket.

“But it’s at least a leisurely five days to Elaaden,” Scott protested. 

“You can sleep on the sofa in my room, there’s space enough if you prefer the floor too. Just grab a sleeping bag or something,” she said, as she got up and excused herself from the galley. 

After she left, Vetra glanced at Cora. “Jaal?” she asked. 

Cora nodded. “Jaal, for sure.”

“Shall we get SAM to spy on them for us?” Scott suggested. 

“Scott, I will not be invading the Pathfinder’s privacy unless she personally makes such a request,” SAM chimed in immediately. 

“Spoil sport,” Gil said. 

“Engineer Gil, would you like me to recite the poems you have been composing to Jill?” SAM asked, almost sweetly. 

Ryder could hear uproarious laughter drifting from the galley as she made her way over to the tech lab. Ryder pressed her palm on the holo-lock and the door hissed open. She was surprised to hear music coming through the speakers. The twang of guitar strings echoed against her chest as a voice sang a beautiful quiet song. Ryder recognised the song as one from her own collection. 

_Hey little lady_

_You've cried too much lately_

_Don't you think you've had enough_

Jaal was sitting at his desk as usual with a weapon disassembled in front of him. His head bobbing a little in time to the song, absorbed with his work. “Have you been stealing my music?” 

He looked up surprised at her voice. “No, I had found these on the Tempest’s shared data storage. Isn’t it for everyone?”

Ryder chuckled. “Yeah it is, I was just teasing.”

Jaal looked at Ryder expectantly, she looked right back. She was here to talk but the subject would be uncomfortable at best, painful at worse. Ryder was definitely not looking forward to it. The silence grew long and horribly awkward. Ryder blinked first. “Bad time?” she asked casually, at least she hoped so.

Jaal shook his head. “How are you feeling, Ryder?” he asked.

“Like I am totally sick of that question.”

Jaal chuckled. “I can see why. All right, I won’t make you answer that boring question.”

“We missed you at dinner,” she said as she leaned against the wall, keep a distance from Jaal.

Jaal’s expression grew pained as he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. Ryder recognised the familiar gesture. _Looks like some things do rub off._ “Here,” she said as she tossed the anagara nutrient paste packs towards him. 

He snatched the packs easily out of the air. “Thanks,” Jaal said as he ripped one open. 

“Why do you only eat these paste packs?” she asked curiously. _Anything to avoid the subject._

Jaal raised his brow ridge. “We do have proper food. These nutrient packs are just the same as the ration bars you seemed so fond of,” he explained. 

“Are they any good?” she asked. 

Jaal shook his head. “Ancestors, no. They are not. I think your ration bars aren’t any better either.”

Ryder stared as Jaal sucked the last of the paste into his mouth, noisily. He tossed the empty pack into the recycler. The recycler churned as he ripped the second pack open. _Best to rip off the band-aid quick._ She squared her shoulder and winced before finally sighing and said, “I think it’s time we talk.”

Jaal nodded slowly, it was clear he knew what she was talking about. “Yeah, we should.”

Ryder looked at Jaal. He returned the look. The silence was turning horribly awkward again. _Oh yes, be the gentleman, let the lady talk first. Very nice Jaal._

* * *

Jaal watched as Ryder took a deep breath to gather herself. Her eyes far away for a split second before returning to the present. Hiding half his face behind the pack, he steeled himself. He knew he had been avoiding Ryder. The way the council ended was horrible for Ryder. Jaal thanked the ancestors she didn’t suffer any consequences for it. 

“Jaal,” she said. 

His eyes flicked over to her. Her brown eyes boring into him. “I am hurt, still am.”

He straightened, worry shoving to the front. “Are you in pain? Does your shoulder hurt?”

She shook her head. “No, I mean yes. Physically, yes but there’s nothing you can do about it. Lexi is taking care of that. I mean here,” Ryder placed her hand over her heart. “What are we now really?”

Ryder sank onto one of the crates next to the wall she was leaning against. “I mean you didn’t come to me, not before the council not after. I mean, I know you care but where were you? I needed you, especially… after.”

Jaal took a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry, I am so sorry, I was afraid to go to you. It’s my fault you were captured, my fault that you had to go through all that.”

Ryder stood up and crossed the space between them. “Hey, hey, it’s not your fault. How can it be? You came for me,” she soothed, standing an arm’s length from him.

“I gave you 48 hours to get things done. That’s too little time. If you had more time, this wouldn’t happen. You would have been able to find some evidence against Tann. Then, the council we just left you to the wolves. I couldn’t convince the Moshae and Evfra. We… I blindsided you.”

Jaal looked at Ryder, his darling one, his brave warrior, his strong protector with tears standing in his eyes. “Will you forgive me?”

“It’s too late, Jaal.”

He gasped, his heart cracked at her words. “Sara…”

“There is nothing _to_ forgive. You were doing your duty, just as I was,” Ryder said. “If you need it then I’ve already forgiven you.”

The crack across his heart was healed instantly. If only he could do the same for her wounds. Tears spilled from Jaal’s eyes as he regarded her. Ryder was standing so close. He so wanted to have her in his arms, to reassure himself that she was real. That she was really saying what he was hearing. Tentatively, Jaal reached his hand towards Ryder. She stiffened for a second before reaching back towards him. He took for her hand hungrily, eager for the physical touch. One gloved hand touched a bare one. 

“I don’t like how we are torn between duty and what we have,” Jaal confessed. 

“I don’t like it anymore than you do but both of us have responsibilities to things greater than us,” she said, sighing. 

He tightened his grip on her hands. It made Jaal feel good to be open and honest with Ryder. The events of the past week wasn’t an experience he wanted to go through again. Events spun out of their control so quickly, so drastically, Jaal could barely catch his breath, until now. 

“When will we be able to do something just for us?” he asked. 

“At the rate we go, never,” she replied ruefully. 

“What are we doing after Elaaden?” he asked suddenly, an idea striking him. “What do you think about a proper shore leave on Aya?” 

Ryder looked at him with narrowed eyes. “What are you planning?”

“Something just for us.”

**Lyrics taken from[Rising Sun by Prince of Spain](https://open.spotify.com/album/0szb4cj5eleil6J5b78SdV)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Art Commission by Lukreva.](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go)
> 
> [Art Commission by Noctuaalba](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to)
> 
> That chicken dish that Ryder ate, that's Hainanese steamed chicken rice. Popular and common here in Singapore.


	15. Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Days were okay for Ryder. She had plenty to keep busy with. Meetings with Cora for future missions, biotic training to keep her skills sharp and just the regular check in with the crew but when the night cycle came around, when it’s just her on her bed, it wasn’t so easy. Falling asleep wasn’t the issue. It was nothing but a barrage of images and emotions after she fell asleep. Sometimes, it was the sheer helplessness of being tied up. Other times she managed to escape only to wake up to find herself tied up again, an endless recurring nightmare where all her efforts were futile. She hated those the most. It’s like being in a room of mirrors and never finding her way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short reprieve from all the horrible things as Ryder tries to piece herself back together physically and mentally. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always welcome!

Ryder tried to clear her throat but it hurt to do so. Her throat felt raw and parched. “Morning!” Liam chirped cheerfully as she entered the galley. 

Ryder just grunted in reply. She took cup of water and gulped the contents quickly. The cool water easing the pain in her throat. “Bad sleep?” he asked. 

Ryder grunted again. The door slid open and the other Ryder came in. Scott rubbed his eyes blearily and poured himself a cup of coffee as he yawned widely. “You too?” he asked. 

Scott grunted in response. “I see Ryders answer only in grunts in the morning huh?” Liam said as he slid into the bench with his breakfast. 

“Are you two even sleeping?” he asked, looking at the dark circles under their eyes. “Nightmares?”

Ryder stiffened and shot a look at her brother. Scott caught the look. “Nah, I was just keeping my little sister up with stories of my exploits without her,” he said smoothly. “I could use some breakfast.”

Ryder shot him a withering look as she announced she was going to have a shower. At the same time, Liam said, “Ewww! Brush your teeth first!”

As soon as Ryder left the galley, Liam dropped his chirpiness and turned to Scott. “Seriously, what’s going on?” he asked. “Is the shoulder keeping her up?”

Scott stood up. “I’m off to brush my teeth,” he said in a sing song voice. 

* * *

Ryder entered the galley to find Cora showering at one of the shower heads. She stripped quickly, taking care to handle her left arm gingerly. The dressings for most of her wounds were already removed except for one or two of the larger ones. Lexi had used waterproof dressings so she had no problems showering with them. Ryder quickly stepped passed the full length mirror and averted her eyes from it. The hot water was a blessing as it ran down her back. She was exhausted even though she had just woken up. Last night was the worst so far. 

Days were okay for Ryder. She had plenty to keep busy with. Meetings with Cora for future missions, biotic training to keep her skills sharp and just the regular check in with the crew but when the night cycle came around, when it’s just her on her bed, it wasn’t so easy. Falling asleep wasn’t the issue. It was nothing but a barrage of images and emotions after she fell asleep. Sometimes, it was the sheer helplessness of being tied up. Other times she managed to escape only to wake up to find herself tied up again, an endless recurring nightmare where all her efforts were futile. She hated those the most. It’s like being in a room of mirrors and never finding her way out. 

Most of the time, the faceless man had the starring role, other times it was a turian. Every single time, she would scream. Scott was there every night. Waking her up, staying up with her as she cried without tears. He had taken up Lexi’s litany. 

“You’re on the Tempest. You’re safe. You’re home.”

It had helped to bring her back but it didn’t stop the nightmares. Usually, she just woke up more tired than when she slept. Ryder felt a stab of guilt for having to rely on Scott this way. _He would have better sleep if he had hot bunked with Liam._ She sighed as she turned off the shower when it beeped, indicating her allotted time was up. She towelled off and slipped into her jacket and pants, before finally putting her arm back into the sling. 

“Hey SAM, what’s the ETA to Elaaden?” 

“We are docking in two hours.”

* * *

Scott was gathering his things from Ryder’s room. He had spent the past five nights on the sofa and it was hardly restful. He shook his head, he couldn’t put off his boss to fly around on the Tempest with Sara but there was someone who could take over what he had been doing. Pulling the zip on the duffel with a quick snap, he swung it over his shoulder. Scott made his way out of the Pathfinder’s quarters. 

Scott stopped at the crew quarters. “Is Jaal here?” he asked as he popped in. 

Vetra shook her head. “Try the tech lab,” she suggested. 

Scott extended a hand to Vetra. “Thanks for putting up with me,” he said. 

Vetra’s three fingers grasped his five and they shook. “Take care of Sara for me,” he added. 

Vetra’s mandible spread wide in a smile. “Don’t worry about it. She’s our Pathfinder too.”

Scott nodded and headed off to the tech lab. It was a quick stop though. He liked the angara boyfriend Sara had but it had been awkward at best between them since Cora told him about the lead up to Havarl. Scott was honest enough to know he was more than a little angry with Jaal but if his baby sister didn’t hold a grudge who was he to do so? Besides he was the best person for the job. Scott figured he could take partial responsibility that way too. 

Exiting the tech lab, he made his way to the cargo bay to put on his armour. _Never can be too careful on Elaaden._ His eyes caught Cora behind his sister. “You want to what?” Cora’s voice loud. 

“Yeah, I’m going down to Elaaden too.”

Scott frowned. This was the first he heard of this. “Why are you going down to Elaaden?” he asked warily. 

“I’m bored. I want some fresh air,” Ryder replied. “Drack has some business there with Vorn for Kesh.”

“Who’s Vorn?” he asked. 

“The krogan botanist we rescued almost a year ago?” Ryder said. 

Scott shrugged, he wasn’t clear on all the missions Sara went on at the best of times. “So why are _you_ going down too?”

“That’s what I want to know too?” Cora said, crossing her arms over her breasts. She gave him a pointed look when she noticed him noticing. 

“I just need you all to stop treating me like glass!” Sara said. “I know I am recovering but do you think the Pathfinder’s job stops when you are on medical leave? There’s plenty I still can do without using my guns!”

“Really?” Scott asked skeptically. 

“Yeah, the Pathfinder’s job is mostly talk. If there’s a problem, we can always run away,” Ryder retorted. 

“Do you even do running away?”

“Anyway…,” Sara said, barrelling on. “I’m going down with protection of course!”

“Condoms? What ever for?”

His sister glared at him and stalked off exasperatedly with his laughter chasing her all the way. Cora stepped over to him and helped him with his armour. “The famous Ryder stubbornness huh?” she said. 

“Nah, that’s just the classic Sara Ryder bullheadedness,” he said, grinning at Cora. 

Cora rolled her eyes before turning serious. “Is her nightmares getting any better?” she asked. 

Scott shook his head and sighed. Cora nodded, knowing as much looking at the bags under his eyes. “I got to suit up too even if it is just to stop your sister from getting herself killed.”

As Cora moved away, Scott caught her hand. He pulled her back towards him and said, “Hey, I’m going to miss you too, you know.”

“This isn’t goodbye Scott. I’m sure our Pathfinder can be persuaded to ferry you around once in a while,” Cora said teasingly. 

Scott’s grin grew wider and he watched as Cora left the cargo bay. He turned back to finish suiting up to find Peebee staring down at him from the second level with the widest shit eating grin plastered across her face. _Oops?_

* * *

In the end, Drack, Cora, Scott and Ryder disembarked at New Tunchunka. Ryder hadn’t been able to get into her armour but she managed put on Cora’s old asari commando leathers. They walked the short way towards the colony and was admitted without trouble. Drack peeled away quickly enough once they entered. Scott led the party as they wind through the caves towards Morda. 

“All hail Morda, Queen of krogans,” Scott greeted the towering krogan with tan armour and dark brown markings. 

Morda roared with laughter. “Ryder,” she returned, glancing from Scott to Sara. “To what do I owe the pleasure of both Ryders?”

She descended from her rocky dais and still she was at least a good half a metre taller than the three humans. Ryder craned her neck as she said, “Good to see you too, Morda. I’m just here as a tag along.”

Morda sniffed as if sampling the air. “I can tell by your get up, Pathfinder.” 

“Ok, to business,” Scott said. “What can I do for you?”

Morda nodded and handed him a data pad she was holding. “Take a look at this,” she said. “My techs have recorded multiple attempts at accessing New Tuchanka’s mainframes for the past couple of weeks.”

Scott took the data pad and pored through the reports. “These looked a little different from what the other outposts had been reporting. Yours might be the earliest we caught the bastards,” he said, turning to Ryder. “Since you’re here, could you spare your resident tech expert to take a look at the systems here. Maybe Jaal or Vetra could suggest something to shore up the defences to prevent a take over?”

Ryder nodded. “Sure, I’ll get them here.”

It didn’t take long before Vetra and Jaal were there working on the problem. Ryder turned to her brother. “I’ve been hearing a lot about these hacking attacks, is there anything I can do to help?”

Scott shrugged. “Kandros’ team have determined who was responsible. They call themselves Perseus. We’ve decided to keep the details vague from the press so that new colonists aren’t too afraid to go, well… colonise.”

Ryder frowned, the name definitely sounded familiar. “But they have been good with covering their tracks. We haven’t been able to track them down to a physical location and given the scale of their attacks, they could be any where and still carry out their attacks.”

She nodded and watched as her team worked. “If anyone could develop a counter measure for these attacks, it will be Jaal and Vetra,” she said. 

Scott nodded. “If they have something effective, I can send it out to the other outposts.”

* * *

Jaal and Vetra worked on the problem tirelessly for a week before they had a working solution. It was crude but it worked for now. Jaal and Vetra promised to continue refining it. Scott was going to stay behind to help with the implementation. As Ryder stood at the ramp of the Tempest, she opened her arm and pulled her brother in for a hug. “Hey remember to take care of yourself,” she said. 

“Speak for yourself, Sara,” he retorted. 

Ryder watched as her XO took the time to speak to her brother before they left. Scott even made the shooing motion with his arm at her when he realised she was watching. Ryder smiled and gave in. If they wanted to pursue a relationship, it’s none of her business and she would wished them well. Everyone deserved to be happy after all. 

As the Tempest made its way to Aya, as she had promised Jaal, she found herself in yet another meeting with Cora. “So are we doing anything with Tann?” she asked. “I refuse to believe you are just letting it go.”

Ryder shrugged and winced at the motion. She was wearing a loose T-shirt and her sleep shorts. Cora’s eyes flicked over the red scar that ran along the line of her left clavicle and back to her face. Ryder shifted her shirt to cover the scar. In her left hand is a red ball which Lexi had given her earlier. She was instructed to use it to strengthen her grip. 

“After that shit show? How could I?” Ryder said, squeezing the ball. “But it will be stupid to charge in head first again. I was naive to assume the Moshae would insisted in some kind of investigation.”

Cora laid her hand on Ryder’s knee and squeezed. “Hey, you did what you could.”

“That’s what you think. Did you read the messages I got from the other Pathfinders? Theris who is who knows how many centuries old, probably thought I was rash and she had said as much, regardless she believed me or not. Rix just pointed out I should have followed the proper protocols. Raeka, well she didn’t believe me, not that I can blame her. Hell, I don’t know if I believe me if I wasn’t the one who’ve seen it.”

Ryder leaned back against the sofa, feeling like a pariah among the Pathfinders. All she had were her crew and her brother. She had scant few allies outside of this small circle. She huffed a breath out through her mouth allowing her lips to flap. “But this is by no means the last of this. We will continue to search for evidence. We know Tann’s dirty, now we just have to prove it,” she said. 

Cora nodded. Her eyes met Ryder’s. “I got your back, you know that?” 

“I know. I couldn’t ask for a better XO,” Ryder smiled as she fidgeted with her sling. “Maybe we can work from the credit side of things, whatever he is planning it is bound to take credits to get done. Sending a team to Havarl on the hush hush have to take credits.”

“The Initiative isn’t like the Council back on the Citadel though. They are not elected or chosen by a government so the books might not be open to everyone,” Cora said, running a hand through her hair. 

The meeting stretched on and on but it went nowhere. By the end of it, both of them were tired but no closer to an idea. Ryder ushered Cora out of her quarters when she yawned for the fifth time in as many minutes. “This isn’t something we’ll solve in a day. Get some rest. I’ll be planning some shore leave once we get to Aya. We all need a proper rest and less excitement,” she said, stretching her legs as she stood. 

Cora nodded and made her way back to the crew quarters. Ryder checked the time on her omni tool. It was too late to do her rounds, most of the crew would be asleep by now. She was tired anyway. Her bed beckoned but so did the nightmares and Scott wasn’t around to bring her back from the murky depths. Ryder shook her head. She had to learn how to cope on her own some time, might as well start to now. 

She turned her music system on and dialled down the volume. With luck, the music would lull her to a more restful sleep. She crawled under the covers as the opening chords trumped through the speakers. 

_Caught in the fever_

_Caught in the storm_

_Beating down on us now_

_Losing a battle_

_Losing it all_

_Round and round, don't know how_

* * *

She was back in the room again. Her arms raised agonisingly over her head. She could feel her broken clavicle tearing the break in her skin wider and wider. Her calves ached, her toes numbed and breathing was hard. 

_No, no, no…_

The man was there. The one with no face. The turian was also there, his talons rapping against his armour. Strangely she couldn’t hear a single thing. She could see the turian turned to the faceless one. The turian laughed in response to something the faceless one said. This time it was the metal bat. The turian lifted it from his palm before bringing it back down again. Even if she couldn’t hear a thing, she could imagine the smacking sound it made. 

_Not again._

The bat connected with her head. The skin over her eye split open and blood started to pour. She blinked but still half her vision was dyed a dark shade of red. The faceless one motioned the turian back. The turian faded into the background. There was no fainting from blood loss in the nightmare. There was never a reprieve. All she could do was wait and endure for the inevitable end and here it came. The faceless one with his vial of acid. The flask flung, the acid splashed and she screamed. And she still couldn’t hear a single thing. 

Ryder shot up straight on her bed. Sweat was pouring from her head. Her sheets were twisted and mangled around her. Gasping hard to catch her breath, she brought a shaky arm up to push her hair away from her face. She glanced at her omni tool. _Great, it’s only 0300 hours._ Her music was still playing quietly in the background.

When she was sure her limbs were able to hold her upright, Ryder slid off the bed determined to get a cup of tea to calm her nerves. She padded to the door on bare feet. Pressing her palm on the holo-lock, the door hissed open. She froze on the threshold. It was lucky she didn’t just throw a biotic attack as she usually did when startled. There was a familiar blue figure on the floor just right outside her door. 

Ryder smiled as she squatted down. She noticed a cup of tea just next to him. Lifting the tea cup to her lips, she took a sip. She grimaced at the cold tea. _How long has he been here?_ Taking care to touch his clothed shoulder, she gave the blue snoring figure a firm push. Jaal sagged and thumped onto the floor before jerking awake. He went straight into a fight stance before realised where he was. Ryder looked up at him from her squatting position. “What are you doing out here?”

“Ahh… I was informed by Scott about the nightmares you have, I thought I should be ready to comfort you when that happens,” he said a little sheepishly. 

“So you made a cup of tea and then fell asleep outside my door?” Ryder asked with one eyebrow raised. 

She picked herself up from the floor. Jaal’s eyes flicked at the scar on her eyebrow, the one she had raised, then back at her. _I fucking wish they would stop doing that._ Ryder’s furrowed brow was the only indication of her annoyance. Jaal raised his brow ridge and asked, “A fresh cup of tea?”

She nodded. The Tempest was quiet and dark. There was only dim lights lining the floor providing illumination to guide her steps. Jaal was sure and moved as if it was the day cycle on the Tempest. The light in the galley blinded her temporarily as the door slid open. She grunted as she shielded her eyes. Ryder felt Jaal’s gloved hand on her arm as he guided her to the bench. “Sit.”

As her eyes slowly adjusted, she heard Jaal busying himself with cups, tea bags and hot water. It was only a moment’s work before a steaming cup of tea was placed in front of her. Her hand moved to bring it to her lips but Jaal pressed her hand back down. “Three minutes to steep,” he said. 

Ryder rolled her eyes. “Since when are you a stickler for steeping time?”

“Since Lexi taught me the proper way to enjoy tea.”

They waited the requisite three minutes in silence, only the steady hum of the Tempest’s drive core breaking the quiet. Jaal fished the tea bag out and pushed the cup towards her. The tea was a little too hot but she savoured the taste. “Better?”

She nodded. “Much.”

* * *

Two nights later, she found Jaal asleep with yet another cup of cold tea next to him. And again three nights later. Finally, she asked him one night. “Have you been doing this every night?” she asked. “Or am I just lucky to find you outside my door every night I walk out?”

“I prepare a cup of tea every night just in case you needed one,” he replied. 

“Every night?”

“Yes.”

“Because of what Scott said?”

“Not just because of that, I wanted to too. Sara, I want to offer you comfort but my bio-electricity triggers bad memories for you. Other than standing vigil outside your door, I don’t know how else you help you.”

Ryder was silent for a while. She wanted very much to have Jaal hold her but her last episode gave her pause. Ryder didn’t want to allow one bad reaction to define her. Her eyes looked at his hands. Jaal had never took the gloves off since. _He is doing what he can, I should too._ Ryder decided they could take things slow, like how they did when they first started. A fresh start. She smiled, a small one. “Standing vigil huh?” Ryder said. “Seems so far you are were sleeping on the job.”

Jaal’s eyes widened before realising she was joking. He chuckled. “Back to bed?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded. Just as they stood at the threshold of her quarters, Jaal turned to leave her to get back to bed. Ryder grabbed his hand and pulled him in. He cocked his head at her questioningly. “There’s no point sleeping outside my door if you want to stand vigil. You can do it from in here.”

Jaal nodded, clearly taking his task seriously. “I’ll take the couch,” he offered. 

Ryder nodded. _A fresh start._

**Lyrics taken from[Better by Declan J Donovan](https://open.spotify.com/album/2nrC786pj9W1ny6aEAKzVh)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	16. I Can Get Used to This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door hissed open. It was Ryder, her face in a scowl as she looked at Lexi. “So… what’s this about not clearing me for active duty?”
> 
> Lexi raised a eyebrow at Ryder, if asaris had eyebrows. “That’s what it took to get you here.”
> 
> She took in Ryder’s appearance with a clinical eye. The dark rings around her eyes weren’t getting much better but at least she wasn’t losing more weight. “I don’t appreciate being threatened,” Ryder frowned harder, if that’s possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Releasing an extra chapter because a wonderful review over at FF.net made my day! 
> 
> Kudos and comments always welcome! And for someone asking about smut, it's coming in Chapter 18.

Lexi was sitting on her chair waiting for Ryder to arrive for their first session. She had sent a message to Ryder days ago, letting her know she would be more than happy to help treat her PTSD. However, Ryder made up excuses after excuses, doing everything in her ability to avoid the session. Lexi frowned, she should have known better. Ryder’s claim to only trust her with her treatment might just had been a delaying tactic. She was even naive enough to think Ryder wasn’t actively avoiding her for a while. 

Lexi sighed in a huff of annoyance. _Oh the Pathfinder isn’t stupid enough to make it too obvious._ She still came for her physical examinations every few days, now that her wounds had all closed and there was no need for any dressings. However, Ryder was always had a ready excuse to dodge her whenever she broached the subject. The five days to Elaaden then the week that followed it had been a dance between them. 

It didn’t really matter, Lexi didn’t allow the time to go to waste. She spent the time learning as much as she could on the subject. The extranet was helpful but she had made sure to vid-comm the experts who were available as well. Harry was a great help in terms of human PTSD as well his understanding of Ryder as a person. “You have to corner her. There is no way she will come in for a session willingly.” he said. 

Lexi knew Ryder was fast approaching the point where the lack of sleep was going to get to her. Though the Pathfinder’s quarters were surprisingly sound proof but it wasn’t completely so. She had a chance to hear Ryder’s screams while she was on the way to the head. It was hard to stifle her instincts to barge in. Lexi knew Ryder wouldn’t have appreciated being seen in her weakest moments but she made it a point to speak to Scott about some things that might help his sister. It didn’t escape her notice that Jaal was taking over where Scott had left off. 

* * *

The door hissed open. It was Ryder, her face in a scowl as she looked at Lexi. “So… what’s this about not clearing me for active duty?”

Lexi raised a eyebrow at Ryder, if asaris had eyebrows. “That’s what it took to get you here.”

She took in Ryder’s appearance with a clinical eye. The dark rings around her eyes weren’t getting much better but at least she wasn’t losing more weight. “I don’t appreciate being threatened,” Ryder frowned harder, if that’s possible. 

“Then, do what’s good for you. Avoiding me isn’t going to get me to sign off your active duty status any faster.”

Lexi’s eyes wandered over to the lump in Ryder’s pocket. She figured it was the red ball she had given her. “Are you keeping up with your exercises?”

“Yes, mom. I have,” Ryder whined, switching tactics when she saw the scowl wasn’t working. “I’ve been a good girl.”

 _She’s nothing if not adaptable._

“A physical first,” Lexi said, shifting into her professional self. 

Ryder sighed, resigned to this and hopped onto the bed. Lexi scanned her with her omni tool before motioning for her to remove the sling. With a critical eye she checked the surgical scar over Ryder’s clavicle. “Pain?” she asked as she probed the scar gently. 

“No, not really,” Ryder said.

Lexi looked at Ryder pointedly, sure that wasn’t all. She took the hint. “And it’s still feeling weak. I can barely squeeze that fucking ball.” 

“That’s normal. You can start physical therapy in a day or so,” Lexi said. “In addition to all that biotics training you’ve been doing.”

“Biotics training don’t need me to have two working arms. Just concentration and focus.”

“I wish you have the same zealousness with your own health.”

Ryder bit back a sigh as she pulled her arm back into the sling. “Are we done?”

Lexi shook her head, ignoring Ryder’s question. “I want you to have the arm out of the sling at least a few hours everyday, outside of your PT.”

“Are we done?” Ryder repeated.

Lexi’s patience was fraying but she maintained her cool. This was just avoidance from Ryder, plain and simple. She eyed the dark eye rings around Ryder’s eyes. “Headaches?” she asked. 

“Comes and goes,” Ryder admitted. “But it’s nothing I can’t handle.” 

“You’ll tell me if it gets worse in frequency and intensity?” Lexi asked. “You won’t get one of the others to raid the med-bay for painkillers?”

Ryder laughed. “SAM, have you been tattling to Lexi?”

“No, Ryder. Mum’s the word regarding your med-bay heists,” SAM replied. 

For a moment neither one of them knew of to react. “That was a joke,” SAM said, a tinge of annoyance in his voice. 

Both of them burst out laughing. It took a while before they had their laughter under control. Ryder took the opportunity to slide off the bed to make her escape. “SAM,” Lexi said. “Please lock the door to the med-bay.”

“Understood, Lexi.”

The green holo-lock on the door instantly turned red. “Traitor,” Ryder said. “I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”

Silence was like a pall in the med-bay. Lexi watched Ryder sank into a chair just across from hers. “Fine, you both win.”

There was a small chink in Ryder’s Pathfinder armour. The walls she maintained to be the strong and confident Pathfinder everyone saw her as didn’t budge but a drawbridge was slowly being lowered. Finally Lexi had to speak just to break the silence. “Are you having trouble sleeping?” 

Grimacing, Ryder nodded. Her eyes grew clouded. Lexi knew nightmares were a common thing especially after a traumatic event but it still hard to hear the screams that came from her quarters once she knew to listen for it. 

“Nightmares,” Ryder simply said as an explanation.

“Is it ok to tell me about them?”

Ryder’s eyes met hers. Weariness looked like a tidal wave threatening to drown their Pathfinder. _Goddess, Ryder, you have to come up for air sometime. You can’t go on like this._

Another piece of the Pathfinder armour fell as Ryder looked away. She stared at a spot somewhere on the floor for a long while before finally taking a deep breath. The words flowed in a continuous stream but Ryder kept it clinical as if it was a report she was writing. Lexi kept her focus on Ryder as she talked herself out. Slowly, Ryder’s words dried up and trailed off. All that was left was Ryder’s shaky breathing and Lexi’s calmer ones.

“What if I am tainted?” Ryder blurted out suddenly.

Lexi cocked her head slightly, confused by what Ryder meant. 

“Things were done to me, I am not the same as I was,” Ryder said her voice cracking. “But I don’t remember everything. What if… what if… they had…”

Lexi bit back a growl of anger as she surged to her feet. “No! Ryder, you are not tainted.”

Her hands took Ryder’s into her own. “You are beautiful, you are whole and you are the warrior who defeated the Archon! Don’t ever say that or even think that!”

Ryder shrank back a little from the intensity of Lexi’s words. “Sorry,” she said as she sagged back into her chair. 

Lexi could tell from Ryder’s eyes she wasn’t convinced. _Words are cheap and never good enough._ She took a deep breath. “If it makes you feel any better, I did do a very thorough examination of you when we brought you back to the Tempest. You are fine. They didn’t.”

“Are you sure?” Ryder asked, a small flame of hope sparking in her eyes. 

Lexi nodded, taking Ryder’s hands into her own and squeezed. She watched as a little tension eased out of Ryder’s shoulders. Just because they didn’t, didn’t make this entire thing better. It was still a flaming shit show. Lexi wished she had something more for Ryder but this was the only fact she had for her. 

Ryder shifted in her seat and Lexi watched as she pieced the Pathfinder armour back up again. Lexi sighed inwardly. It’ll have to do for a first session. Briefly, she wondered if she had actually helped at all. 

* * *

Ryder’s head felt fuzzy. It felt like it was stuffed with cotton and then soaked with water, full and water logged. Synapses were not firing like they were supposed to. She groaned as her head started to throb. _Fuck this concussion._

Opening her eyes and she realised she was in the galley. “What am I doing here?” she croaked, her throat dry. “What time is it anyway?”

Ryder paused for a second expecting SAM to reply. No reply. “SAM?”

Panic seized her as she remembered the last time SAM wasn’t responding. _You’re on the Tempest, you’re safe. You’re home._ Her hands rubbed against her temple as she yawned. 

“Ryder, what are you doing up?”

She turned to the voice and realised Cora was standing at the threshold. “What’s that in your hand?” Cora asked. 

Ryder looked down and realised with a start, she was holding a cup in her right hand, her left wasn’t in a sling. _Is that coffee?_

“Is that coffee you got there,” Cora asked, unknowingly repeating the question Ryder had in her head. 

“Ahh… I guess so…”

“I thought you don’t _drink_ coffee.”

“I don’t…”

Cora’s brows knitted together, she wasn’t sure what to make of Ryder’s answer. “Errr… I think I should head back to bed,” Ryder said, beating a hasty retreat and leaving Cora with her mouth agape. 

Sitting down on her bed, Ryder realised she was still holding onto the cup of coffee. Coffee has never been her thing and she has no idea why was she holding a cup of coffee. She glanced at the figure still curled up on her sofa. Ryder was relieved that she didn’t just scream herself awake but at the same time feeling sorry for Jaal sleeping on the sofa instead of his bunk.

“SAM,” Ryder called. 

“Yes, Pathfinder,” SAM replied instantly. 

_That’s odd. What happened to SAM just now?_

“What’s the time now?”

“Ship board time is 0335 hours.”

“Thanks, SAM.”

Leaving the cup on her bedside table, Ryder sighed and crawled back under her covers. _I guess oddities comes in pairs now._

* * *

Ryder yawned. Cora frowned. Lexi cocked an eyebrow. “Nightmares?” she asked. 

Ryder frowning a little but shook her head. She wasn’t keen to advertise her night troubles to everyone on the Tempest. “Just tired.”

“If you can’t focus, let’s call it a day here,” Cora offered, her expression softening. 

Scott did tell her about the nightmares that were plaguing Ryder. She had experienced her fair share of sleepless nights and nightmares but that’s all long behind her. She had made peace with her experiences but this was still very new for Ryder. Cora exchanged a look with Lexi. 

“Hey, I saw that!” Ryder said. “Just stop it. I’m not glass. I won’t break. If you all can’t treat me normally, I can’t come back so just stop it.”

Cora nodded. She should have caught herself before. The constant tip-toeing around back then just served as a constant reminder of _the event_. It’s hard to put things behind you if everyone else was always prodding at it. 

“All right then,” Cora said. “One more time.”

Lexi left the cargo bay, leaving the two to their usual biotics training. As she left, Ryder was working on re-arranging the cargo bay’s crates with biotics. She could see Ryder was working hard to bring herself back to 100%. Far be it for her to hold the Pathfinder back but it’s still her job to make sure she didn’t overdid things. 

Meanwhile, she had two other errant crew members to catch. When she returned to the cargo bay with the two in tow, she could hear Cora speaking. “Control, Ryder. You are not trying to flatten the crates.”

Lexi chuckled as she heard Ryder growled, “Yes, yes. Control, finesse, all the things I don’t have.”

* * *

Liam and Peebee were panting through the series of exercises Lexi had assigned them. “Can you stop it?” Liam said as he paused to catch his breath. 

“What?” Ryder asked innocently as she perched at the top of a five crate stack in the middle of the cargo bay. She was munching on a ration bar as she watched. 

“Isn’t that a little dangerous?” Liam said, eyeing the rather haphazardly stacked pile. “It doesn’t look too stable.”

“Come on, where’s your sense of adventure?” Peebee said as she smacked Liam on the shoulder. “It looks fun.”

“It looks like a disaster waiting to happen,” Vetra said as she entered the cargo bay. “Count me out.”

“Just make sure you don’t just leave it like that when you’re done,” Liam said clearing the weights he used. 

* * *

Ryder stepped out of the shower her hands vigorously towelling her wet hair. She yawned again. _Fuck, that training session took a lot out of me._

“SAM,” she called out. “What’s the ETA to Aya?”

“We are docking in two hours. All right, would you let the rest know we’ll have 48 hours of shore leave.”

“Acknowledged, Ryder.”

Two hours later, Kallo pinged Ryder. “Ryder, docking procedures completed.”

Ryder grunted into her omni tool before following up with a sleepy “Yeah, thanks Kallo. Enjoy your shore leave.”

The comm clicked off. A little while later, Jaal entered the Pathfinder’s quarters to find Ryder lying on her bed, her towel sprawled next to her. For a moment, Jaal’s heart leapt to his mouth. It was only when his ears picked up Ryder’s telltale light snoring that he relaxed. A smile raised the ends of his mouth, he settled on the sofa as he waited. 

Jaal looked up from the datapad he was reading when he heard shifting on the bed. Ryder was jerking in her sleep. He recognised the signs of another nightmare. He closed the space quickly. Most nights he tried to sleep with an ear open so that he could wake Ryder before she screamed herself awake but being a heavy sleeper he wasn’t always successful. He hoped by being there to comfort her was at least some help.

Jaal placed one hand on her shoulder and shook her. “Ryder, wake up.”

Sometimes a simple shake was enough to rouse her but this wasn’t one of those time. Jaal had learnt the hard way not to rush Ryder when she was in the throes of a nightmare. Shaking her too hard, too fast would trigger her fight response. When she woke up fighting, she was more likely to use her biotics than her fists.

Jaal tried again with another gentle shake. This time Ryder’s eyes snapped open. Fear and alarm were quickly replaced with recognition as soon as her eyes found him. “You’re on the Tempest. You’re safe. You’re home,” he said soothingly. 

That had always seemed to help Ryder centre herself. “Thanks,” she muttered.

Jaal made to move away from her, allowing her to have the space to gather herself. However, he felt her hand hanging onto his. Puzzled, he looked at Ryder. She had never really wanted physical touch after a nightmare. It’s usually these times she would avoid it. She didn’t flinch but it was more of a subtle leaning away from him. At her insistent tug, he sat down on the bed. Ryder sat up and leaned against his chest. Her body was tensed against his. Unsure what she wanted he asked, “Can I hold you?”

He felt her nod more than her whispered reply. His arms enclosed Ryder’s smaller frame. She felt different from the last time he held her. _When was it?_ He couldn’t even remember but her body still felt familiar to his arms. Neither spoke as they sat. Time seemed to slow. Finally, she pushed against his arms. He unlocked them as Ryder levered herself to her feet. “Give me a second,” she said. 

Ryder pulled on a jacket over her black tank top. Finally, she pulled her loose hair into a ponytail. Her pants looked slept in but Jaal didn’t really care. The sunlight of Aya streamed through the wide windows of the Tempest. It shrouded parts of Ryder’s body in shadow and bathed others in bright light. Ryder’s lithe body was covered up quickly under her jacket as she zipped it close. She turned and faced Jaal. 

“So what’s the plan?” she asked, her eyes regaining the familiar spark again. 

“You’ll see.”

* * *

Ryder wasn’t a particularly patient person. Usually the longer she waited for something, the better it had to be. After all, she had invested all that time anticipating. Jaal was mysterious and sly about his plan. Something she didn’t think he had it in him to do. _Didn’t the angaras’ entire culture revolves around being open and honest?_ It seemed subterfuge was permissible after all. 

The nightmare had thrown her for a loop. The good mood she had earlier in the day was completely sapped by it. Snuggling and cuddling with Jaal helped. She was surprised by how much she wanted the physical contact. Whatever Jaal had got planned, she hoped her slightly dampened mood wouldn’t spoil things.

They started with a leisurely stroll through the markets. Jaal picked up a couple of strange purple and blue fruits. At least that’s what Ryder thought they were. From time to time, Jaal was stopped for a chat, a handshake or a hug. She didn’t realised how well known Jaal had become since Meridian. Sure, he was a scion of a well known family, he was a member of the Resistance but she didn’t remember him enjoy such celebrity like treatment the last time they docked at Aya. 

Hiding her chuckle behind her hand, she watched Jaal obliged some kids asking him for a handshake. With a cheeky glint in his eyes he turned to the kids and introduced, “And this is Ryder, the Pathfinder who united everyone and personally defeated the Archon.”

Ryder levelled a flat look at Jaal who didn’t have the decency to gloat silently. She caught Jaal’s wide grin out of the corner of her eye as she sank to one knee to speak to the kids. They practically swarmed her as they crowded around. Ryder made sure she spoke to each and every one of them in turn. That’s the Pathfinder’s job after all, winning hearts and minds one angara at a time. 

Finally it seemed Jaal had taken pity on her and extracted her from the little pile of anagara kids. They continued their way through the market. Her dour mood lifted the longer she walked. It felt good to see more than a handful of non-angaras wandering around. It felt like progress, not the political manoeuvring she had to wade through. This was what she fought for. People regardless of where they were from working and living together. Opening arms and hearts not shoving just to get first in line. _It’s not sprint but a marathon, hell maybe a relay even._

Jaal bent over to push his face into her field of vision. Ryder flinched and jumped back. “Credit for your thoughts?” he asked. 

“No, I’m just enjoying Aya. I’ve always like it here. It’s calm and peaceful. I don’t even need to walk around armed,” she said. 

Jaal laughed, it rumbled from deep within his chest. “I don’t know about that. I saw a human almost swallowed up under a mountain of ferocious tiny angaras.”

“Such a loser, this human,” Ryder returned, quirking an eyebrow in his direction. 

“Tell me about it, I had to rescue her all by myself.”

She laughed. It felt good to laugh, to properly let it loose. She didn’t even care when some angaras were staring at her. Ryder slipped her arm into Jaal’s. “Come on, I’m sure your plan didn’t just comprise of a stroll through the markets,” she said, pulling him along. 

Jaal’s grin widened at the contact she had initiated. He tightened his hand on hers and allowed her to pull him along. Finally, Jaal guided her through the markets, past the small winding streets she had never explored before. They stopped right outside a door along a quiet little street. As far as Ryder could tell, it was a residential area. The pavement slightly less well maintained compared to the markets. Foot traffic was low but there were many individual touches of the people living there. An angara watering their pot of angara version of a flower while the high pitched yelp of an animal echoed down the street. Jaal identified the sound as one coming from a kaerkyn. 

“What are we doing here?” she asked curiously, praying this isn’t Evfra’s home or something. 

“It’s my home here on Aya,” he said simply. 

He simply just twisted the door knob and entered. “Do angaras not lock their doors?” she asked. 

“We do,” Jaal replied. “Our locks aren’t usually as obviously colour coded as yours.”

“Touché,” Ryder conceded but couldn’t help examining the door. “Where is the lock?”

Jaal sighed and pulled her away. “I didn’t bring you here just to let you play with the door.”

She rested her arms on her hips. “Why did you bring me here then?”

“That will need a little preparation.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow at his reply but she decided to be patient. After all hadn’t she been patient for so long already? Jaal moved into another room to prepare while she drifted in from the threshold. It’s the first time she was ever in Jaal’s apartment. Somehow it didn’t occur to her that Jaal had his living quarters on Aya. Her eyes drifted over the unfamiliar room, taking in the decor. The room looked a little spartan, it was mostly utilitarian. Shelves filled with mods and weapon parts but with a splash of colour here and there from hand woven rugs. The furniture were mostly in familiar shapes so it was easy for Ryder to guess where to sit. 

“Make yourself comfortable, it won’t take long,” Jaal’s voice drifted over from the other room. She settled on a sofa like furniture that has a bright red throw in it. 

“Don’t worry about me,” she said, her eyes on the sunset just outside the window. 

There’s an unfamiliar blue-green glow in the sky as the sun sank under the horizon. Aya’s sunset wasn’t one she had a chance to enjoy before. Her eyes were glued on the view as her eyes collected another sunset. 

It didn’t take long before the fragrance of cooking food drifted over. Like a lure, Ryder tore her eyes from the view and followed her nose. “Are you cooking?” she asked as she entered the other room.

It was clear that’s a kitchen. Jaal was busy with a proper flame stove and there was much sizzling. “You can cook?” she asked, eyes wide. 

“All Resistance members are expected to be able to take care of themselves. Cooking is just another aspect of this,” Jaal replied easily. “You do not cook, Ryder?”

Ryder smiled and shook her head. “Ration bars and hot food packs are my way of surviving out in the field. Biotics can’t be picky eaters, we need quite a bit to function properly in a combat situation. Heating up food is the length and breath of my cooking ability.”

“Then you are in for a treat today, true angara cuisine coming right up!”

Ryder poked around in the living room and found some cutleries and set the table. Jaal arrived with the strangest but most mouth-watering of foods. The first was a plate of blue stew like dish with chunks of strange green spiral shaped objects floating in it. The second was a purple mash with red gravy. Finally served with a bright yellow cone shaped hard cracker. 

Ryder sat cross legged at the small low table that dominated living room. “So how am I supposed to eat this?”

“See, take the konos like so, put the poltos into it. You can eat it as it is or dip it into the stifado for more flavour,” Jaal said as he demonstrated. 

The konos crunched loudly as he stuffed it into his mouth. Ryder followed suit. The colours were strange but the taste was oh so wonderful. The stifado softened the hard konos just enough to make it easier on the softer human mouth and yet it maintained the crunch. The poltos was savoury with a hint of spiciness. Ryder’s eyes widened at her first taste. She attempted to give Jaal a review of his cooking and angara dishes in general but it all came out in a series of satisfied mumbles and groans. 

Cooking took longer than eating. Ryder’s hunger was sated, her eyes closed in bliss. Jaal had told her to stay where she was as he went to wash the dishes. Ryder was more than happy to oblige, She leaned back against the sofa as the wind picked up a little and rippled through Jaal’s little apartment, ruffling her hair. _This is nice. I can get used to this._

Jaal slid in beside her. Their arms close but never touching. Ryder appreciated the care he took, always seeking permission and never presuming. She opened her eyes and looked at the angara beside her. _What did I do to find this person?_ Jaal was careful not to do more than that unless she initiated any contact. He was mindful and respectful. The way angaras communicate relied on bio-electricity as much as their words. Touch was part of the way they spoke to one another. By holding himself back, he was truncating the natural way he communicated just for her. Slowly, she shifted and pulled Jaal against her chest. She had taken comfort from him earlier, it’s nice to be able to provide it sometimes. 

She felt Jaal stiffened for a moment before he relaxed. She slipped an arm around his shoulder as she pulled him closer. “Is this ok?” he whispered. 

“For you, always,” she whispered into his ear. Closing her eyes, she could feel his gloved fingers playing with her hair. _I could really get used to this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	17. Blink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder fished a ration bar from her pocket and started munching on it. The short shore leave on Aya had done wonders for her. Even now weeks later, she still find herself stuck in a reverie. The memories of the dinner Jaal had conjured still made her mouth water. Lazily, she mused if she could convince Jaal to do a repeat performance if she managed to secure the ingredients. The nightmares were slowly fading into the background. Her lost memories were still a source of concern but it didn’t bring about the fear it once did. Vetra hadn’t stopped her own investigation but she had hit dead end after dead end. Though the unresolved situation with Tann was niggling at the back of her mind, he had not taken any action against her or the Tempest. Everything felt like stuck in a limbo for the moment but not an unpleasant one. 
> 
> As she swallowed the last of the bar, there was a sharp burnt at the base of her neck. Ryder winced as she rubbed it. Cora stared at her. “You’re flaring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos, comments and bookmarks! Let me know what you think in the comments below!

“Come on, come on!” Ryder shouted. 

She watched at Kallo, Gil, Suvi and Lexi ran the drills. Between the usual missions handling Roekaar and Kett incursions, disrupting Collective operations and exploring new Remnant structures, Ryder had been making sure the non-combat personnel on the Tempest got trained on emergency protocols. 

There was a rotation drawn up for the ground squad to train each other on skills they didn’t traditionally use. Having at least a good gasp on all weapon types wouldn’t hurt after all. Ryder made sure she put in the hours with a sniper rifle as soon as Lexi had cleared her for it. Hand to hand sparring session in the morning were also implemented as long as there wasn’t a mission to run later that day. Ryder was adamant that everyone, including the non-combatants were at least competent with the pistol. These sessions wouldn’t guarantee anything in a true battle but at least everyone had a fighting chance at least.

Today they were running a hull breach scenario, focusing on putting on their hard suits within a time limit. These were just basic safety drills for the Tempest. After all, they were all riding in a space faring ship and more than half the time they spent moving between planets and systems. 

“Time!” she shouted. “Good work, everyone! Take a 15 minutes break and we’ll run this again.”

“Ryder, I really should check on the Tempest,” Kallo said somewhat uncomfortably as he unbuckled his own hard suit. 

“There is no need to do that, Kallo,” SAM replied. “I have the Tempest well in hand. Your intervention isn’t needed.”

Ryder laughed and shook her head. “There is no getting out of this.” 

Cora stepped into the cargo bay. “Almost done?” she asked. 

Ryder nodded. “We’ll have another go in 15 minutes.”

Ryder was satisfied as she looked at the times each of them clocked. 30 minutes later, Kallo, Gil, Suvi and Lexi were eagerly leaving the cargo bay to shower and get back to their regular duties. Ryder stayed back to rearrange the cargo bay to a makeshift rifle range. The ground squad were all basically a bunch of adrenaline junkies of one type or another. These training sessions provided everyone a way to burn off excess energy especially during long trips. 

Between two biotics, Cora and Ryder got the rifle range set up easily. “You’re getting much better,” Cora complimented.

“Practise makes perfect, I guess.”

Ryder fished a ration bar from her pocket and started munching on it. The short shore leave on Aya had done wonders for her. Even now weeks later, she still find herself stuck in a reverie. The memories of the dinner Jaal had conjured still made her mouth water. Lazily, she mused if she could convince Jaal to do a repeat performance if she managed to secure the ingredients. The nightmares were slowly fading into the background. Her lost memories were still a source of concern but it didn’t bring about the fear it once did. Vetra hadn’t stopped her own investigation but she had hit dead end after dead end. Though the unresolved situation with Tann was niggling at the back of her mind, he had not taken any action against her or the Tempest. Everything felt like stuck in a limbo for the moment but not an unpleasant one. 

As she swallowed the last of the bar, there was a sharp burnt at the base of her neck. Ryder winced as she rubbed it. Cora stared at her. “You’re flaring.”

* * *

Ryder blinked. A bone deep weariness was pulling on her like gravity got turned on ten times stronger. She moved her head and realised she was staring at her own reflection in the shower. Her hair was wet so obviously she just had her shower. Confused, she dressed quickly and exited. _Wasn’t I in the cargo bay just now?_

She frowned and tapped on her omni tool to check the time. Her brows practically knitted themselves together. It was later than she expected. “Ryder!” 

She looked up and found Vetra heading towards her. “You’re done with your shower?”

“Yeah…” she replied tentatively, confusion written all over her face. 

“Are you ok?” Vetra asked her mandibles fluttering in concern. “You were so quiet earlier and left the range so abruptly.”

“Did I?” Ryder asked. “Maybe I was just tired.”

She beat a hasty retreat and disappeared into her room leaving Vetra starring at her disappearing form. “Hey SAM, what’s the ETA to Civki system?”

There was a significant pause before SAM replied, “We will be dropping out of FTL in about five hours.”

“Thanks, SAM.”

Ryder sat down on the bed and fell backwards, ignoring the fact her sheets were getting wet from her hair. They were heading to the Civki system to drop a few of the new enhanced probes in and around the Scourge as a favour for the Nexus scientists. Ryder agreed since the mission was practically a milk run, no combat, no danger. It’s going to be a quick drop and hanging around for a couple of days before scooping the data back up and transmitting it to the Nexus. Easy peasy. 

“Hey SAM, let me know when we are 30 minutes from the Civki system. I’ll like to be there when we drop the probes.”

“Understood, Ryder.”

At the back of her mind, she vaguely wanted to get up to do some research on the Civki system. It’s better to be safe than sorry. but her eye lids got heavier and heavier. Even the earlier oddity wasn’t enough to keep herself awake. 

* * *

When dinner time rolled around, Jaal entered the Pathfinder’s quarters to find Ryder on the bed. It’s strange to see Ryder taking a nap. She never did it before, well… before. He pulled the blanket over her before sitting down at the corner of the bed. Sleeping, there weren’t any frown marring her brow, no worries lines across her forehead, she was totally relaxed. After Aya, Jaal felt a change in Ryder, not just in their relationship but in how she carried herself. Silently he was glad he was able to help her in any way he could, perks of rekindling what they had aside. 

Jaal left Ryder to her nap but not before adding to the small stash of ration bars on the bedside table. He returned to the tech lab and started to work on modding a new kett pistol he picked up. 

* * *

“Ryder!” SAM’s voice was loud. 

She blinked. _Fuck, I fell asleep._

Ryder pulled the blanket off herself and levered herself up. It was just the start of the night cycle by then. Her stomach growled at the missed meal. Grabbing a couple of bars from the table, she stuffed them into her pockets. Ryder made her way to the bridge. Kallo and Suvi were still on shift, obviously waiting for her command before they dropped the probes. Ryder mumbled an apology to them as she unwrapped a bar and started eating. Leaning against the back of Kallo’s chair she asked, “How are things looking?” 

“Systems are all good. We will be dropping out of FTL soon.”

The mission went off with a hitch as she had pretty much expected. Nothing exciting, nothing exploding, nobody shooting at you, a little boring to her tastes but these were the missions that would have the most impact on everyone when they bore fruit. Science not military might would be the thing that made sure everyone would have a golden world to call their own. It would be key to solving the Scourge and Remnant riddle as well. 

* * *

A couple of days later, the data was retrieved and transmitted, another successful mission completed. As the Tempest, made its way to Eos for a resupply, the daily training went on, drills were conducted and Ryder found herself in strange places on the Tempest.

A sharp pain at the back of her neck.

_Blink_

In the armoury, a sniper rifle in her hands. 

_Blink_

At the research console, with the display turned off.

_Blink_

Sitting in the dark, alone, in the meeting room.

_Blink, blink, blink_

The frequency of these episodes were increasing. The weariness that followed left her bone tired. Ryder hoped they would go away eventually like her headaches. 

* * *

Docking on Eos was easy and Vetra was in charge of resupply as usual. _Who better to be in charge of buying and selling after all?_ Ryder’s job was just to pay up. She’s the walking credit chit. Once her part of the job was completed, she was free to do as she pleased. Picking an DNA modified apple off one of the crate, she headed to see Bradley. It had been a while since her last check in with him. Maybe he would have a few small missions for them to help out with. 

“Ryder!” Bradley greeted as she entered his office. 

He waved her over from his chair at the table that dominated the room. Bradley looked to be up to his eyebrows in datapads. Ryder smiled as she settled into the chair opposite him. Bradley rattled off the details of the recent expansion to Prodromos and plans to re-establish Promise as an outpost as she munched through her apple. The apple was the right balance between sweet and tart. Prodromos had made much progress. The outpost had more than double its size and population. Though it was still mostly scientists and outpost security, it was good to see the outpost thriving under Bradley’s leadership.

As the updates trailed to an end, the smile on Bradley’s face slid off as well. Ryder grew guarded. _Fuck, I don’t need this._

“Ryder, I’ve heard of some rumours.”

_I fucking knew it._ She was bound to face questions but it didn’t make it any easier to hear them. Ryder had managed to avoid most of it during the fiasco with Mateo but this was Tann, the fucking Director of the whole Initiative - de facto leader _for now_. 

“What rumours might they be?” she asked, her hand pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Is it true?” Bradley asked. “You were spreading false rumours about Tann.”

_Sure, false rumours. I wonder who’s behind these particular rumours about me then?_

“What do you think?” she said, throwing the question back at Bradley. “Does that sound like me?”

It’s not like she could give him any details, it’ll only add fuel to the Ryder-is-out-to-get-me rumours. That would be meaningless, so no evidence, no talk.

Bradley sighed. “Tann is a prick. He might tie you up with red tape but sending a team to the angara home world? I can’t believe it.”

_Of course, nobody believes me._ Her only recourse was to get some kind of physical evidence she needed. Who else trusted her like her crew did?

“Bradley, I was just dumb. Dumb enough to confront without physical evidence. I tried and failed, now Tann is going to milk this for all its worth.”

That was obviously not what Bradley wanted to hear but he didn’t speak out against her. The lapse in their conversation was like an invitation for interruption. A turian dressed in Initiative uniform burst in through the door. “Mayor Bradley!” she said as she panted. “The science team has reported they are under kett fire!” 

Bradley turned to Ryder. “I can get there faster with the Nomad.” she said. 

He nodded his approval. “You, come with me,” Ryder said, pointing at the female turian. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Dicia Octanis, Prodromos’ comm specialist.” she replied, her longer stride easily keeping pace with Ryder’s quick one. 

“Octanis, I need details. Where is the team?”, Ryder asked. “Any details you can give me will help.”

“When the team radioed in they were trapped at the Fairwinds Basin roughly south-east of Resilience,” she said. “I’ve sent you the nav point.”

Ryder nodded. “SAM, let Drack and Cora know to suit up. We have a science team to rescue.”

Octanis rattle off all the details she could glean from the science team’s transmission. Ryder nodded and thanked her. Within 15 minutes of returning to the Tempest, Ryder was riding out in the Nomad with Drack and Cora. She forwent taking 2 teams out with her. Ryder was sure they would be able to handle the kett on the ground. It didn’t sound like a large kett presence. As they rode, Ryder gave them the details. Finally, Drack said, “Kid, these are just the kett right?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re fought them so many times, we can do it in our sleep.”

“Right.”

Ryder pressed the pedal to the metal, only slowing down when they got to the 1km perimeter of the nav point Octanis provided. According to the map they made the last time they came through, there was an old kett station nearby. That’ll be the place, Ryder figured the science team was holed up in. “There!” Cora said, pointed at the blue glow in the distance. 

Ryder triggered the boost and all three were pushing into their seat as the Nomad surged forward. She slammed the brakes, just stopped short of slamming the Nomad into the station. Ryder unholstered her Mattock as she vaulted from the Nomad. The weapon was a reassuring weight in her hands. 

The blue glow of a biotic shield covered the single ingress and egress point of the station. The shield wasn’t the solid shimmering blue it was supposed to be, instead it flickered in and out. _Shit._ Ryder glanced at Cora, the commando nodded in acknowledgement. There was no words needed. Their assessment of the situation were the same. They had to draw the fire from the shield. 

With a roar, Drack charged ahead, tossing a couple of omni grenades to get the party started. Just before the omni grenades exploded, Ryder Charged, timing it to reach the kett just after they detonated. Cora was right behind her, pulling kett up into the air, leaving them open to Drack’s shotgun. The Mattock bucked in Ryder’s arms as the battle joined. It felt good to move. A sudden heat flared at the base of her head.

Ryder blinked. Her breaths were heavy, the Mattock felt hot in her hands. Music was still playing in her ears. 

_You'll forget, forget in time_

_Remember this_

_Your hand in mine forever_

_Beside the slow black river_

Her fingers moved automatically, checking her clip and counted the ammo, even as she gathered her bearings. She did a quick check. _No pain, not hurt. Ammo sufficient, now where the fuck am I? What about the others?_

Please, please, please,” Ryder muttered under her breath just before she blinked to clear her blurry vision. _Ok, ok… Nothing’s changed, yet._ There was a kett body just in front of her. A deep crease furrowed her brow. _What the fuck._

There was a loud sound in her ear. She realised someone was calling her name. “Ryder!” Cora’s voice came through the comms. “What happened?”

She wasn’t sure how to answer Cora. Instead she did the next best thing, when in doubt, bluff. “Took down a stray kett,” she said, “Report.”

“We’ve secured the science team. The station has been cleared,” Cora’s reply came promptly, her words tight and clipped. 

Ryder couldn’t tell if she was pissed or just tired. “Check for anything salvageable. Did the science team have a vehicle of their own?” she asked. 

“Their Nomad is far too damaged to move.”

“All right, load them into ours. We’ll move out once I get back. Ryder, out.”

She heard the comm clicked off. Ryder’s hands moved even as her mind turning her memories over and over again. _This is the first time it happened during combat._ The dead kett didn’t have anything salvageable so she hiked her way back to the Nomad. Her feet felt like lead. It was only when she neared the Nomad that she holstered her Mattok. She saw Cora and Drack exchanging a look as she approached. Ryder ignored it. Instead her eyes caught on the dried orange blood coating Drack’s arm. “You ok?” she asked. 

Drack sniffed once, probably sampling the air again with that damned nose of his. “Just a graze,” he rumbled. “Some kett got lucky. Come on, let’s head back.”

Ryder popped her helmet the moment she got into the Nomad, suddenly feeling too closed in by it. The trip back was more leisurely than the trip there. Ryder spoke to the scientists they picked up. Throughout the questions she fired off at them, she could see Cora shifting beside her. Finally, Prodromos came into sight. She grunted as she slid out of the Nomad. The weariness was threatening to sweep her off her feet and not in a good way. 

“Cora, could you handle the rest of it?” Ryder asked. 

Cora nodded, eyeing her critically. “Are you ok?”

She nodded before muttering a semi-order for Drack to get check by Lexi. She could deal with it later, when she wasn’t about to fall over. She retreated to her quarters. Pieces of her armours shedded off like dead leaves from a tree as she came stumbling in. Jaal looked up the moment she stepped in. He came over to help peel off the under armour. She sat on the corner of the bed covered in perspiration of the day. “Shower?” he asked, holding up her towel. 

She shook her head and pulled on her usual tank top and sleep shorts and collapsed into bed. She didn’t see the frown that Jaal gave her. 

* * *

She opened her eyes. There was a comforting weight over her middle. A hand moved down to figure out what that was. It was an arm, clothed in a long sleeved angara shirt. Not Jaal’s usual sleeping attire but something he had taken to after she invited him to share the bed. Gingerly, she removed the arm. Ryder rolled onto her side and levered herself up right. The pale yellow light coming in from windows told her they were still docked in Prodromos. She had completed forgot to give Kallo a heading last night. _Fuck._

There was no nightmares, no waking up in strange places but Ryder was worried. It took her a long time to claw her way out. She was ok, she had been fine. Then, now this? _It’s fucking unfair!_

Ryder sighed and shuffled to the showers. The dried sweat from the previous day’s troubles still clung to her like a second skin. A hot shower would fix things. Ryder stripped off before stepping in. She turned the temperature up as high as it would go. Scalding hot water ran down her body but this time it didn’t loose the knot of worry in her gut. 

Ryder could feel it something was fundamentally wrong with her but she didn’t know what. _Is this another result of that fucking concussion? A gift that just can’t stop giving._ She was content to allow the episodes to run its course like her headaches did. But yesterday proved to her, that she was a hazard in combat. 

_How many times did yesterday make? How many more I just didn’t remember at all? Like all the other things that I can’t?_

The control that she had fought so hard to regain over her own body crumpled like clay under the running water. Frustration boiled over and she slammed her fists against the wall. In the shower, she could almost pretend she was crying. Her nails pricked half moon scratches into her palms. 

* * *

Ryder trained as usual, ate as usual, did everything as usual. If someone had been watching they might find her laughter brittle, her eyes constantly checking the time. Sometimes, just sometimes, confusion flashed across her face. That’s when Ryder didn’t know what happened in the intervening time between closing her eyes for a blink and opening them again. She kept the Tempest to simple non-combat missions. Ryder didn’t trust herself not to disappear. 

She was losing minutes then hours. Ryder was dreading the day she would lost an entire day. Her sense of control was spiralling out of her grip and she was afraid. What exactly was she doing during the lost time? It was obvious she was doing something, the others might remark on something she had done but she wouldn’t remember. It was another blank spot in her memory joining all the others. 

“Hey SAM,” Ryder said. “Do you know what happened after the hull breach drill we did with Kallo and the others a month or so ago?”

“You had a weapons training session in the cargo bay,” SAM replied. 

“Was there anything strange happening to me then?” she pressed. 

“Ryder, we have not re-established the connection between the Pathfinder implant and me. I can’t monitor your vitals if this connection isn’t restored.”

“What about my body cam footage from the mission on Eos?”

The video started playing in her omni tool. Ryder watched, trying to determine when she was all there, when she wasn’t. It was seamless. One moment it ran according to her memories, the next the footage was showing things she didn’t remember. It’s hard to tell if she just forgot or she just didn’t have the memories in the first place. 

Ryder gasped. 

Drack was just next to her, she could see his arm from the corner of the camera. His voice loud as he roared. He charged ahead but instead of guarding his flank, she focused her fire on the Chosen he was charging, taking the kill from him. That left him wide open for the Anointed. She flinched as the bullets clipped Drack forcing him to take cover. She knew Drack was fine. This was weeks ago but the guilt sat heavily within her. _Why didn’t Drack call me out on it? Fuck!_

* * *

Ryder’s legs brought her to the research terminal. Drack wasn’t there. She checked the galley and the cargo bay but still no Drack. _Where the hell is he?_

She felt sick in her stomach. She was supposed to lead the Tempest, she was the Pathfinder and she couldn’t even handle herself. This had gone on for far too long and there was no sign it was going away. She knuckled her eye attempting to keep a looming headache at bay. 

“SAM, where’s Drack?” she asked. 

SAM gave her a prompt reply.

Ryder entered the med-bay. Lexi looked up in surprise. “Is everything all right, Ryder?” she asked. 

“I’m here to speak to Drack,” she replied. 

Drack was sitting on a stool. The stool looked severely tortured under the weight of a krogan. Ryder couldn’t bring herself to meet Drack’s yellow gaze. She looked at his arm instead. He wasn’t in full armour, instead he was wearing a thinner, almost leather like, suit. Ryder wasn’t sure where he picked that up but he looked somehow naked without his full armour on. 

Ryder wavered at the threshold for a moment before stepping in, allowing the door to close behind her. Lexi and Drack were in the middle of a conversation. Two cups sat on the table, their contents consumed. Lexi and Drack looked at her, obviously waiting for her to say something. 

Lexi stood up. “I shall give you all some privacy,” she said.

Ryder held up a hand. “No, you should hear this too.” 

Lexi arched an brow ridge at her but sat back down as requested. Ryder’s throat felt parched all of a sudden. She swallowed to get her saliva flowing. “Drack, I need to apologise.”

Drack tilted his head at her. “What are you talking about kid?”

“Back on Eos, I let you down. out on the field you were supposed to be able to trust me with your six. I failed you. Sorry,” she explained. 

Drack laughed. “You’re worried about that? It was a mere scratch!”

She shook her head. “It’s not just that. It’s more than that.”

* * *

Lexi tried to keep her expression calm and impassive as Ryder spoke but inwardly she was chiding herself. It was her job to take care of the crew and most especially the Pathfinder. _Why didn’t I see anything of this?_

Ryder spilled a deluge of lost time events at them. Lexi wasn’t sure what Drack thought about all this but she was more than concerned at the symptoms that Ryder had listed. Finally as Ryder’s words ran out, she sagged against the wall. “Is this caused by the concussion?” she asked. 

“Lie down on the bed, let me get some proper scans,” Lexi said instead. She had no good answers for Ryder now. 

Ryder obliged. There was a scrap of stool shifting against the floor as Drack stood. He moved out of the way to allow Ryder to get onto the bed. The circular scanner swept up and down several times. She kept her eyes shut, one hand over her eyes. Lexi exchanged a glance with Drack before she turned her attention to the data displayed on the screen. 

For a long while, after the scans were done, Lexi didn’t speak. She didn’t know what to make of the scans. Everything was normal. Ryder’s brain looks fine, better than fine, considering the things she had been through. It made no sense. 

Ryder shifted her arm from her eyes and sat up. “What’s happening to me?”

“I’m not sure but based on some of the symptoms you’re experiencing, you might be suffering from absence seizures. It’s the closest I can find to explain the lost time you are experiencing but it still doesn’t match up entirely.”

“Seizures? So what does that mean for me? Is there any treatments for this?” Ryder asked, she wasn’t sure if she was relieved to be able to put a name to what she was experiencing. 

With a name, it felt more tangible, more real. Something she might just be able to fight. “At this point, I can’t make an official diagnosis but Ryder I have to remove you from active duty.”

Ryder nodded, her face a mask. 

“Kid, if anyone can fix you, it’s Lexi,” Drack rumbled, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, Drack. I shouldn’t have waited. You got hurt as a direct result of my inaction.”

“Shut up, kid,” he said. “I don’t want to hear about it again.”

Ryder chuckled and leaned against Drack’s chest. She sighed and closed her eyes. 

“Lexi, may I suggest that we restore the connection between Ryder’s Pathfinder implant and the SAM node? I might be able to help monitor when these episodes happen. Meridian have better scanners that you can make use of.”

“But if Ryder is suffering seizures, I don’t think it’s a good idea to force her brain to go through the connection,” Lexi pointed out. 

Ryder took a ragged breath and looked at Lexi, her eyes pleading. “Lexi, I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to blink and realised I’ve lost more time.”

Lexi’s expression hardened, she glanced at Drack, her eyes pleading for some backup. “I cannot recommend this course of action.”

“Please, Lexi,” Ryder’s voice low. “I can’t live like this.”

“Lex, the kid is a warrior. Forcing her to stay in limbo is probably worse. She’ll be fine,” Drack said. 

“All right, I will consider it,” Lexi relented, glaring at Drack. “If we are doing this, we will do it properly with complete medical support.”

Ryder nodded. It was reassuring to have a plan of action. She didn’t feel completely lost. 

Hey, Ryder, we’ll get through this.” Lexi said, as she took a firm grip on her shoulder. “You’re not alone.”

“SAM, let Kallo know to make way to Meridian.”

“Acknowledged, Ryder.”

Lyrics taken from [Slow Black River by Iron & Wine](https://open.spotify.com/track/3x1RfF2C8mmOqDnBhaX6Of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	18. Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “SAM!”
> 
> “Yes, Ryder,” the reply came this time. 
> 
> “What have I done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos, comments and bookmarks. They are always appreciated. Well, there is a very small smut scene this chapter. It's my first time writing smut so it's nothing good I'm sure.

The whine in her ears was loud, she squeezed her already shut eyes against it. Her breaths came hard and harsh. She caught the familiar scent of blood in the air, the sweet almost fruity scent of angara blood and the metallic tones of turian blood but overwhelmingly it was the sharp twang of salarian blood. 

She forced her eyes open. The scene before her slammed into her brain with an intensity that rocked her back on her feet. She took a step back as a gasp escaped her lips. “What…”

Blood, blood, blood every fucking where. For a split second, another scene of a blood soaked battle field overlaid itself over what she saw. She blinked quickly and the old memory faded. Bodies of salarians, turians and an angara were lying in the carpeted floor. There was a slow drip, drip, dripping sound. With horror she realised it was from her extended Omni-blade. Blood soaked her entire shirt and her right arm coated from elbow to finger. Green mixing with blue, forming an ugly ooze. 

The floor, oh my gods, the fucking floor. There was a salarian slumped at her feet, behind her an angara. She frowned, they looked familiar. _Oh shit! It’s Raeka! She’s still breathing._ Retracting her Omni-blade she sank to one knee down to render aid. The angara Raeka was shielding with her body, hissed at her. There was a telltale click of a safety being flipped to the off position. She looked up to find a pistol pointed at her head. “Get away from her!” the angara said, it wasn’t loud but it was determined and angry. 

She looked up. It was the Moshae. Confused and more than a little hurt, she backed away. Stopping only when her heel squelched as she stepped onto another fallen body.

“SAM,” she called, panic and fear rising in her gut. 

There was no answer from SAM. She caught her reflection on the broken shards of a mirror on the floor. A silent scream threatened to burst forth from her lungs. Blood and guts all over. She swayed unsteadily on her feet, her hand catching the wall to hold herself upright. Her hand smeared blood across the pristine white walls.

“SAM!”

“Yes, Ryder,” the reply came this time. 

“What have I done?”

* * *

**48 hours ago**

Jaal leaned on his arms as he listened to Evfra talked to the Moshae. Listening to Evfra had been trying at times, let alone speaking to him. He thanked the ancestors that the Tempest was equipped with a QEC. He wouldn’t be able to stand the ten minutes delay each way in the conversation otherwise. 

It wasn’t just that Jaal was constantly judged by Evfra. Evfra’s eyes was constantly measuring the younger angara and found him wanting every single time. Jaal was glad to be out from under Evfra’s thumb, even though he was doing well in the Resistance. Jaal just felt a little stifled there. _Don’t get me wrong, Evfra is a great leader but not everyone worked well with his style of leadership._

Ryder on the other hand had no preconception regarding his lineage. He had no yardstick he had to live up to with her. Ryder accepted and made use of his skills as he was. Under her lead, Jaal felt freer to contribute and not have to watch what he said, how he said it. 

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Evfra asked. “You are trusting your security to the Nexus? Who are they providing as your escort?”

Evfra’s words snapped Jaal back to the meeting at hand. Silently he chided himself in Evfra’s voice. 

“Kandros himself will be travelling with me,” the Moshae replied. 

“I don’t like this. If you could just delay for a week or so, I can detail a squad to escort you to Meridian for the talks,” Evfra pointed out. 

“No, there is no danger,” the Moshae said. “There is no need to delay.”

Jaal’s eyes flicked between the two. Frankly, he had no idea why he was being involved in this meeting. Evfra turned to him. “What are your thoughts of Captain Dunn?”

Jaal straightened. “She is a capable captain. The Hyperion made land fall and managed to keep almost all their cryo-pods online was in large part due to her actions,” he replied. “I didn’t have much interactions with her but she seemed like a forth right person. Not the kind to stab you in the back.”

Evfra nodded. His words seemed to have aligned with Evfra’s views. “I still don’t like this Moshae,” he insisted. “I do not trust the salarian Pathfinder.”

“Which Pathfinder do you trust?” Jaal blurted before muttering an apology.

Evfra glared at him but turned his attention to the Moshae when she spoke. “Child, you worry too much. This is a perfectly valid trade negotiation. Doing it away from the Nexus is perfectly ordinary, after all I had wanted to visit Meridian for the longest time.”

“As you will it, Moshae,” Evfra muttered, giving in. 

The elder angara turned to Jaal. “I read your report you sent previously. You are heading to Meridian as well. You are to keep close to the Moshae. You are the highest ranking member of the Resistance there.”

Jaal nodded. “Understood.”

The images flickered out, leaving him alone with the meeting room. He glanced at the time on his omni tool. It’s late and it was time he retired for the day. Though there hadn’t been much missions lately, the training sessions Ryder had implemented weren’t any easier though one’d more likely end up with bruises and a fat lip than wind up dead. 

The door slid open, Ryder’s room was dark, save for a small light at her desk. For a second, he thought Ryder had gone to bed. Instead he found her at her desk. She was writing into something she told him was her journal. The scratching sound the pen made as it made its way across the paper was soothing. Jaal left Ryder to her writing while he made ready for bed. 

When he returned dressed in his sleep wear, he found Ryder still seated at the desk but she was done writing. Curious, he edged over, taking care not to startle her. “Sara, darling one?” he called. “Are you ok?”

Her eyes were open but she wasn’t really there. It was like she was day dreaming. Ryder blinked and focused on him. She gave him a small crooked smile. Jaal sank down to one knee and cupped her face with his hand. “There you are,” he said. “Where did you go?”

His gloved finger gently tracing the path of the scar on her cheek. “I was just thinking,” she said. 

“What about?”

“It’s nothing,” she shook her head as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

Her grip on him was tight. Something didn’t feel right. Ryder was never usually a touchy person. She didn’t craved physical contact like angaras did and by human standards she was also never really one for touch. Jaal didn’t move her arms from his neck though it wasn’t comfortable. Instead, he picked her up, his arms under her legs. Ryder leaned in and touched her forehead against his. Jaal stiffened. He felt a buzz of bio-electricity travelling from his forehead to hers. He didn’t move, he was waiting. And waiting. 

“Jaal,” she whispered. 

“Hmmm?” he hummed back. 

“Put me down, or carry me to bed.”

Jaal started moving towards the bed. He felt more than he saw a smile spread across her lips. As Jaal lowered Ryder gently into bed, she kissed his forehead before she released him. Her kiss sent a buzz down his body. Jaal forced himself to push away from her. His blue eyes judging her brown ones. He didn’t trust himself to actually ask because he knew what he wanted but he wasn’t sure if she was ready. 

But it was like she read his mind. It took her barely a moment to discern his concerns. Jaal couldn’t help but be continuously amazed by his darling one. Ryder didn’t speak instead she lay on her back and pulled him close for another kiss. 

This one wasn’t a mere peck but something longer, deeper and filled with longing. Jaal jerked when he felt a mild biotic charge moving up and down his sides before finally settling on his neck. Still without Ryder’s expressed permission he didn’t want to overstep and take things too fast, too far. 

Ryder rolled her eyes and grunted angrily. She pushed him onto the bed and straddled him. Her nimble hands first stripped his gloves from his hands. His eyes widened at that. Realisation dawning upon him. Ryder gave him that crooked little smile again. She put his hands under her shirt and she waited. Her eyes sparkling as if daring him. 

“Jaal, I don’t know how much clearer I need to make this for you,” she said. 

Heat rushed up his neck and down below. He needed no further invitation. His hands worked to rid her of clothes while hers did the same to his. Both of them seemed also hungry for contact. Jaal had not really seen Ryder totally naked after Havarl. Now she stood silhouetted against the stars, her scars bare for his eyes. His heart clenched as his eyes traced them across her body. Her hands jerked to cover the worst ones on her thighs. Jaal’s hands caught hers, he guided her gently back to bed. “You’re beautiful the way you are,” he whispered into her ear. 

Ryder shuddered as he kissed her scars, starting with the one on her eyebrow. He worked his way down her shoulder, chest, abs and thighs. Every time he pressed his lips over a scar, she shivered as the slight charge of bio-electricity skimmed her skin. All the while, he sent the word _beautiful_ with his bio-electricty to her over and over again. 

Ryder hung onto him like he was a buoy amid a raging storm. Their bodies raised and fall like the cresting waves, their mouths nipping, their hands caressing. The motions were familiar and yet foreign at the same time. Her body had changed, thinner in some parts and harder in others. Her smooth skin now broken by scars and yet Jaal thought his darling one never looked more perfect, felt more whole. 

They moved in unison and a cry escaped Ryder’s lips as she tumbled over the edge, taking him over a moment later. They panted, her body now shiny with a sheen of perspiration collecting between the two mounds on her chest. Almost reluctantly, Jaal released her and fall onto the bed next to her. 

Ryder sighed. That wasn’t the postcoital sigh of contentment, that sigh carried weight. Jaal curled over Ryder’s smaller frame. She snuggled deeper into his chest. “Hey, are you ok?” he asked. 

Ryder didn’t speak for a long time. He could feel her sifting through her thoughts. “Just hold me, Jaal,” she said, finally.

Jaal bit back his questions, giving her the space she needed. He had come to understand some humans needed time and space before they are ready to talk. Ryder sometimes had trouble putting aside her Pathfinder persona even for him but he was grateful she was willing to make the effort for him. 

“You don’t have to carry everything, Sara.”

* * *

Tann tapped his finger on his table as he scanned his messages. Raeka was already en-route to Meridian to negotiate with the angaras. He grimaced. _Why didn’t she just insisted the negotiations be done on the Nexus?_ The Moshae had an office on the Nexus after all. Vaguely he wondered if the angaras knew the truth about Havarl hence the alternate site of negotiations. As far as he could tell, there was no sign of that but he wasn’t able to buy an ear inside the Moshae’s office. The angaras were just not interested in credits. Their focus on the kett were frighteningly single minded. 

Tann snorted. That’s because they had the luxury of multiple planets. _When you are living on a space station and majority of your people still frozen in pods, you’ll have different priorities._ Raeke was no nearer to finding a suitable golden world for the salarian ark. In large part, she was hamstrung with having no ship. Tann cursed the scourge for destroying the other Pathfinder ships. He couldn’t just re-route resources to building another ship with the other Pathfinders clamouring for their own. Silently, he cursed himself for assigning the Tempest to Ryder. He should have kept that for Raeka. _Still, without the Tempest, Ryder wouldn’t have found the salarian ark._

He frowned. His thoughts were just chasing its own tail. If the trade negotiations went well, he could broach the subject of acquiring resources for a small scout ship for Raeka’s team. Styming the other Pathfinders with red tape wouldn’t be that difficult. Tann tapped his finger on his desk as he mused. _T'vera might be the only obstacle since this is technically under her purview._ However, Tann was confidant he had a larger influence with the others on the Leadership to push his proposal through. He could dangle a share of the trade agreement to the others, especially Addison, as a sweetener. Addison’s department desperately needed more and more resources for proper colonisation. Having trade agreements in place would help bring corporations to the table. Credits still made the world spin back home or here in Heleus.

_But first things first, let’s get things stable with a nice little trade agreement._

* * *

Ryder turned a new question in her head. Well it wasn’t new per se but it was amplified since Eos. Over and over she considered it from various angles, still the possibility remained. The possibility made her sad sometimes but mostly angry. Jaal caught her while she was in the down swing of things. He was the rock that she clung onto. The renewed intimacy was nice and a comfort too. It was like having a mountain at her back, a cave to hide away in. However, Ryder couldn’t afford to hide, not when the problem was just knocking on her door. It was practically smacking her in the face demanding her attention. 

Ryder briefed Cora once the decision to go to Meridian was made. The possibility was very real and Cora needed to know. If it didn’t work out the way she wanted, humanity needed Cora. Reliable and steady Cora refused to entertain any such possibility until Lexi had signed off on it with some sort of finality. Ryder was grateful for the well meaning optimism but she had to get ready for the possibility. 

She had a good couple of days. No lost time. Maybe the possibility would remain just that - a possibility. 

Kallo announced, “Approach to Meridian in ten minutes.”

“Acknowledged,” Ryder said.

She exited her quarters, eyes lingering a little on her room. Ryder wondered if she would return the same person she was. Pushing the question out of her mind, she walked out. She was here on Meridian to confirm or deny the possibility. It’s no use fretting over it now. It was all going to be decided in a bit, hopefully. 

“SAM,” she called. “Are you ready to be back in my head?”

“Yes Ryder,” SAM replied. “I’ve missed the experience of seeing things through your eyes.”

“What would you do if I am no longer the Pathfinder,” she blurted. 

“My life span is short compared to yours,” Ryder added hastily. “You’ll live forever.”

SAM was silent for a long time. Ryder moved through the Tempest and stopped at the bridge to watch the approach. 

“Ryder,” SAM said. “I would miss you, the way I miss your father. I would cherished the experiences we have together.”

Ryder nodded. SAM probably grieved her father in ways she couldn’t possibly comprehend. He mourned his creator. Yes, her father was her creator in a biological sense but she had centuries of social norms to fall back on. SAM didn’t have that. _How do you mourn a person you lived in the head 24/7 of?_

“I’m sorry, SAM,” she said. “I didn’t meant to bring up bad memories.”

“There are no bad memories, Ryder. Memories just are. They are experiences that shape you. And they make you, you,” SAM replied. 

Ryder chuckled. She wasn’t expecting to be schooled by her AI. Huffing a short breath, she smiled. “Thanks SAM.”

“Docking completed,” Kallo reported. 

“Good job,” she said. “SAM, could you inform Lexi to meet me at the airlock when she is ready?”

“Acknowledged, Ryder.”

Ryder was absently going through her inventory. There was way too much junk she had picked up and neglected to sort through. Absently she made a mental note to get it done. Jaal came clomping in. “Where are you off to?” she asked. 

“Evfra had detailed me to act as the Moshae’s escort,” he said. 

“The Moshae is here?” Ryder asked, cocking an eyebrow. That was the first she heard of it. 

Jaal sighed. “She is here to negotiate some trade agreements with the salarians.”

Ryder straightened a little at that. Her mind couldn’t help but made the leap from salarian to Tann. She chided herself inwardly for making that connection. It was stupid and dangerous. “Ryder, I got to go. I see you later?” Jaal said. 

Ryder nodded and waved as he left the Tempest. Lexi came soon after. “Ryder, I’ll need to meet the medical team to make sure everything is set. I’ll ping you on your omni tool to let you know when we are ready for you at SAM node,” she said. 

With that she was left standing in Lexi’s wake. Ryder snorted and shrugged. She could probably spend the time visiting Harry. It had been a while. 

Her feet inevitably took her to her father’s room. She still couldn’t bring herself to think of this place as Scott’s and hers. It would always belong to her father. They didn’t have the easiest of relationships. For some reason her father had always found her wanting and not due to her lack of trying. She never asked and he never tell. Now, that door was long closed. Vaguely Ryder wondered what her father made of this current turn of events. _I guess I was exactly what Pa thought I was, barely sufficient._ For a moment, she regretted ever coming to Heleus. Ryder knew why she had agreed. It was for Scott and only Scott, not her father that’s for sure. _Why the hell did Pa even saved my life in the first place? It would have been better if I was the one in a coma and not Scott._

The current situation was making all her buried hurts and old doubts surface like she was a kid all over again. Ryder thought these were things she was at peace with. Examined and dealt with a long time ago, with the help of a good mentor she left back in the Milky Way. Apparently not. 

“Gods!” she hissed. “Get a hold of yourself!”

Ryder tried to distract herself by walking around the room. It smelt musty. It had been a while since she had visited and she figured it was probably the same for Scott. The amount of dust that had accumulated was rather disgusting. Absently, she wondered if their joint account had enough for a regular cleaning service to be hired. The last time she was here was after Meridian. It had been almost a year since then. Glancing at the date on her omni tool, Scott’s birthday was coming soon. She hoped to be able to get him something this time. Last year had been a little too hectic what with cluster saving missions and what not to actually do anything for him. He’s turning 24 soon, he deserved to celebrate with style.

Ryder tidied up what she could while waiting. Finally she got bored and just sat down at her father’s terminal. Rubbing the back of her neck, she stifled a yawn. A sharp pain lanced from the base of her head. Ryder winced. 

And then, she blinked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	19. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes glanced at the screen hovering above the Moshae’s bed. It seemed the incident was all there was to talk about. The HNS broke the news barely two hours after it happened. Ryder’s name and face was plastered over the screen with the word “murderer” next to it. HNS had the same vid playing almost hourly. Meridian security leading Ryder from the crime scene, hands cuffed behind her back. Her head bowed low, a pair of rifles against her back. One smart-ass reporter coined the title “Bloody Blade” and the epithet took off like wild fire. 
> 
>  
> 
> _“Sara Ryder - Shield of Meridian or the Bloody Blade”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos, comments and bookmarks. I particularly enjoyed the comments from the last chapter. An extra chapter this week because I will be away on the week of 11 Dec - 24 Dec. So I'm releasing the chapters earlier to make up for the loss. I should be posting another chapter tomorrow. 
> 
> I'm curious anyone wants a playlist of the music I've picked for the Cetus Arc so far?

Lexi tried Ryder on her omni tool again. Still nothing. _What’s going on?_ She has been trying to get Ryder for the past hour. A sudden chill ran down the doctor’s spine. _Is she having another episode?_

Then she heard a voice coming on the public announcement system at the medical wing. “All available medical personnel please proceed to the operations level, there have been an emergency.”

Lexi joined the small trickle of doctors and nurses. “What’s going on?” She asked as she jogged next to a human doctor. 

“There had been an attack on the Moshae and the Pathfinder,” he answered before hurrying away. 

Lexi gasped as she made her way over. Ryder’s hurt form flashed before her mind’s eye. A determined look settled over her face, her pace quickened. Her Pathfinder needed her. 

Hastily she sent an emergency message over to Cora and prayed she would be able to meet her there.

When she got there, there was no Cora. It was one of those multi purpose halls that’s available for rent. Furniture could easily be rearranged to suit anyone’s needs. Out along the wide corridor, there was a crowd forming around the only entrance and exit of one of those halls. Many of them reporters. Lexi had overheard about the trade negotiations from another doctor earlier. She figured most of them were there to cover that. 

It was obvious where she was needed. Lexi pushed her way to the front using her medical credentials. Her steps faltered when she entered. Her feet sank a little into the lush carpet covering the floor. Her steps made a squelching sound as she walked. The carpet she stood on felt wet. It was soaked through with blood. 

Her heart thudded hard against her chest. “Where is the Pathfinder!” she shouted. 

One Meridian security officer ushered her over to the fallen figure. _No!_ Her feet quickened, her omni tool held up ready to scan for injuries. Lexi pushes her way past the people surrounding the fallen body. She sank down on one knee and then stopped. _That’s not Ryder._

The salarian lying on the ground was familiar. Lexi recognised the barely breathing Pathfinder. That’s Raeka. Her medical training took over as she moved to staunch the bleeding. Her mind was racing. _Where is Ryder? Is she somehow wrapped up in all this?_

She had stabilised the salarian as much as she could before signalling for a gurney to be brought over. As Lexi gave instructions, she caught sight of a familiar figure standing in a corner. Her eyes widened as she took in the person. 

Ryder’s hands were cuffed behind her back. Two uniformed Meridian security guards had their rifles levelled at her as if daring her to make a move. Her white Initiative uniform was practically soaked with blood. Ryder stood with her head hung low but Lexi could see her mouth moving as if she was having a one sided conversation with SAM. _That can’t be right._

Over the din of the hall, she could catch SAM’s voice coming from Ryder’s omni tool. Lexi stood up to head over. One of the guards shouted, “I’m warning you. Stop communicating via your omni tool.”

The other moved from a relaxed stance to one infinitely more hostile. The rifle was aimed directly at Ryder’s chest. “Officers, I am attempting to keep her calm. Please lower your weapons, I assure you this is not necessary,” SAM said. 

_How many people were even aware Pathfinders had an AI chip grafted directly to their brain? How many were even aware that was the human Pathfinder they were pointing their rifles at? And they were basically speaking to her AI, not an accomplice._

By Lexi’s estimates, SAM was keeping the guards from doing something stupid. She knew Ryder was more than capable to dispatch these two guards if she wanted to. She had seen enough body camera footage to know. However, having SAM imply that he had eyes on the situation in the hall didn’t make the guards feel any better. 

Lexi had a better look of Ryder’s eyes. It didn’t looked like she was totally in the present. Her breathing shallow and quick. Lexi was quite sure Ryder was experiencing a flashback. She was on a hair trigger and the guards’ actions could very well set off her fight response. 

“This is your last warning,” the first guard growled also moving into a ready stance. 

Lexi moved quickly hoping to diffuse the situation but she was one step too late. She saw fear took over Ryder’s eyes. _Shit!_

Ryder flared though her hands were behind her back, Lexi saw the wall behind her glowed blue. The pair of guards were either untrained or just plain green. A more experienced officer would have deescalated the situation instead of shouting at Ryder. “This is your last warning! We will shoot!”

That pushed Ryder over the edge. She twisted around to bring her hands to bear, blue energy crackling in her hands. Out of the corner of Lexi’s eye, she saw a flash of white and blue. A large shield of blue sprang up and it shimmered as a Shockwave struck it. “Ryder!” 

The energy dissipated safely but it scorched the walls. Everyone in the hall froze. More than one security officer had their weapon trained in their direction. Medical professionals worked quickly to get their charges out of the hall.

Cora panted, slightly winded by the Charge and pulling up the shield. The shout shook Ryder from her flashback. Her eyes snapped onto Cora. “Hey, hey keep your eyes on me.”

The guards rushed in. “Get down on the ground now!” 

One had the rifle against her back nudging her down. The other pressed Ryder onto her knees roughly. “Hey!” Cora shouted. “Hands off!”

Lexi pushed her way forward. “Are you trying to trigger another fight response?”

Cora nodded at Lexi and she turned to the guards. “Let the doctor through! Hold your perimeter here. Your aim isn’t so bad you can’t hit anything two metres away, I bloody hope.”

The guards begrudgingly withdraw, responding to Cora’s drill sergeant bellow as much as her glare. Lexi had her omni tool out and started scanning. It didn’t take long to determine Ryder had only some superficial scratches but her mental state wasn’t as unscathed as her physical one.

Ryder’s eyes caught Lexi’s. Her brown eyes filled with as much confusion as anguish. “What have I done, Lexi?”

* * *

Captain Dunn, now Mayor of Meridian was staring at Cora. Her piercing eyes giving her _the look_. “Harper, do you have any explanation for…” her hand gestured vaguely at the news reel playing on the screen. “this.”

“Cap… Mayor Dunn,” she said, correcting herself. “I have no explanation for you. I’m as lost as you are.”

“It makes no sense. I do not claim to know Sara Ryder well, it’s her father whom I worked closely with but this seems seriously out of character for her. Given her track record since Alec passed the mantle to her, this doesn’t make sense. She is the Shield for heaven’s sake!”

Cora sighed and nodded tightly in acknowledgement, she didn’t know what else she could possibly do. She had no answers for Dunn or herself. She didn’t want to mention anything about Ryder’s seizures since they weren’t even confirmed. 

Dunn stared at Cora for a moment. “You know I have to extradite her. Tann has already been informed and they want her back on the Nexus for a trial.”

_Where Tann gets to be judge, jury and executioner._

Cora nodded. Dunn stood up and tapped on her omni tool. It took a moment for Cora’s to chime. “Those are your orders. You and your crew are not to disembark. You will proceed to the Tempest and stay there till I order you back to the Nexus. You will be escorted to the Nexus by two Meridian frigates. They have orders to fire upon you if you do not comply with orders. Harper, do you understand these orders?”

Cora nodded. “I need a verbal confirmation, Harper.”

“Yes, Mayor Dunn, I understand my orders.”

“Dismissed,” Dunn said, sitting back down on her chair heavily. 

Cora hesitated at the door. “Can I see her?”

A steely gaze flicked up to meet her eyes. “Harper, you know there is no way out of Ryder. For the sake of humanity keeping a human Pathfinder around, it’s best you keep your nose clean.”

* * *

Jaal was worried and angry. He spent the hours sitting next to the Moshae. Her clothes was stained with green salarian blood and blue of her own when he finally got to her. He carried her to the medical wing himself and then was ejected from the emergency room for hovering. After that, Jaal spent hours drifting around the medical wing, waiting for news. 

The Moshae was lying still on the hospital bed, monitors beeping quietly in the background. She shouldn’t have been hurt if he had done his job properly. Jaal cursed himself for stepping away from the Moshae’s side. _Who was that reporter was pestering him while he was escorting the Moshae?_ He shouldn’t have trusted Nexus security to do the job properly.

It was by the grace of the ancestors her wounds weren’t serious. He had to thank Raeka properly, if she survived her injuries. He shuddered to think what might have happened if Raeka wasn’t there to take the blows. 

His train of thought inevitably brought him to the perpetrator - Ryder. His anger manifested in sharp sparks of bio-electricity that snapped whenever he was near anything metallic. Every single snap of electricity jerked him from his thoughts and made him angrier. _An assassination attempt by her?_ He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. It just didn’t seemed like Ryder at all. However, there were plenty of eye witnesses and video evidence. More than he wanted to watch. 

The entire incident was covered in multiple angles thanks to the security cameras mounted all along the corridor. Then, there were many more inside the hall itself. He clenched his fist. Ryder had to be the ultimate actress to hold an act for so long or everyone else had to be blind. He didn’t believe he was that bad a judge of character to not see it. _She can’t have done it willing. This can’t be her._ But every single frame of the video was shouting defiantly at him. Every single buzz of her omni blade slashing through a body was a punch to his gut. Finally he turned the video off, unable to stomach more. 

It was barely six hours since the incident. Jaal felt like he had aged 20 years. His hand trembled a little as he reached towards a cup of water. He drained the cup to quench his parched throat. The cup buzzed slightly from his bio-electricity. 

His eyes glanced at the screen hovering above the Moshae’s bed. It seemed the incident was all there was to talk about. The HNS broke the news barely two hours after it happened. Ryder’s name and face was plastered over the screen with the word “murderer” next to it. HNS had the same vid playing almost hourly. Meridian security leading Ryder from the crime scene, hands cuffed behind her back. Her head bowed low, a pair of rifles against her back. One smart-ass reporter coined the title “Bloody Blade” and the epithet took off like wild fire. 

_“Sara Ryder - Shield of Meridian or the Bloody Blade”_

Jaal fought back to the urge to fling the cup at the screen. He settled for another sigh instead. When it was clear that the Moshae was in no danger, he made his report to Evfra. To say his report was highly charged was putting things lightly. Jaal had his orders, his priority was clear. 

* * *

Cora’s long strides ate up the distance as she made her way back to the Tempest. She checked her omni tool for the time. _Had it only been six hours?_ She rubbed her hand over her face. Her headache was like a jack hammer inside her skull. 

She replayed Dunn’s words in her mind. It’s clear Dunn thought Ryder was done as Pathfinder. Nobody would even bother find out _why_ this had happened. What is the sentence for attempted assassination and murder anyway? Death? Exile? Imprisonment? None of the options looked acceptable to her. She was Ryder’s executive officer, her responsibility was to the well being of the crew and the smooth operation of the Tempest. _But Ryder… she is more than just a commander, she is a friend._

She wished Scott was here. _Fuck! Scott!_ Her fingers danced across her omni tool as she tapped a message out. 

_Sara is in trouble. Get to the Nexus ASAP._

She re-read what she wrote before nodding to herself. Cora sighed as she sent it off. There was way more explanation she owed Scott but she just didn’t have the bandwidth to do so. _What a word, an incident. It made it sound so mundane._ Cora snorted. 

The crew were confined to the Tempest once the news reached Dunn. They had no excess to the extranet. As far as Cora knew, Lexi, Jaal and herself were the only people who were on Meridian when it happened. If anyone had a better idea on what’s going on, it had to be Lexi. Cora’s strides quickened as she made her way back to the Tempest.

_What in the Goddess’ name am I going to tell everyone?_

* * *

Tann drummed his three fingers on his desk. He wasn’t sure if the news he had received four hours ago was the worst possible news or the best thing ever. On one hand, Raeka was seriously injured in the line of duty to protect the Moshae. On the other hand, Ryder was the one who massacred the delegation. 

His huge eyes swivelled to glance at his terminal again. A salarian delegation of four, along with a squad of six, including Kadros himself. That’s ten from the Nexus not including the Moshae. Ryder had cut down five out of the six guards like paper. seriously wounding Raeka. The Moshae and Kandros got away light by the looks of things. 

Tann surpassed a shudder. _What kind of monster is Ryder to be able to do that without taking a single wound? It had to be her biotics, a freak of nature._ He shook his head to shake off the chill that ran down his back. A strange hollow feeling raised from his belly to his throat. For a while Tann was hard pressed to identify this emotion. With a little introspection, he realised what he was feeling was guilt, plain and simple. It was his fault. He should have reined in Ryder much much earlier. This is a tragedy that could have been prevented if he had nipped the Ryder problem in the bud. It was clear the human Pathfinder was unhinged.

Tann sighed. He had his work cut out for him. His fingers moved quickly as he brought up the vid again to take notes. 

* * *

The crew were starring at her in disbelief. Peebee was the first to break the silence. “Ryder barged into a meeting and just started killing people?” she shouted. “Bullshit!”

“That’s not Ryder at all!” Liam joined in. 

“She has been framed!” Gil said. “That’s just not possible.”

Suvi was shocked, she didn’t speak but sat down heavily. Peebee rushed over to wrap an arm around her protectively. The usually flippant and irreverent asari was whispering words of comfort into their science officer’s ear. Kallo usually cheerful demeanour was completely gone. He just stared blankly at the others. Vetra’s mandibles were tight against her face, her brow furrowed with concern. She looked at Liam who returned the look, his hands clenching and unclenching, impotent in his anxiety. Drack’s eyes searched out for Lexi immediately. His voice tight, laced with worry. “Did the kid have another episode?”

All eyes shifted to Lexi. She told them what she knew of Ryder’s symptoms in simple terms. “I have no confirmation. Ryder was supposed to get it checked out today,” Lexi said, her voice tight. 

Drack shouldered his way past Liam and wrapped his arm around Lexi. Cora just stood behind the doctor, her arms folded across her chest. She can pretty much figure out what arguments they were going to make. 

“So this is a medical issue! It’s not something within Ryder’s control!” Liam pointed out. 

_There we go._ Cora shook her head. “Maybe it is a medical issue but Tann’s going to say Ryder should have stepped down as Pathfinder when she realised that.”

“No!” Suvi blurted out. “That’s… Ryder’s the Pathfinder!”

Suvi realised her mistake as soon as the words left her lips. “Sorry Cora, no offence meant.”

Cora waved her apology away but still it hurt. She had the same sentiment but it hurt nonetheless. Tann was probably going to use this as an opportunity to settle old scores. She shook her head, one way or another Ryder’s days as the Pathfinder was done.

She had to make sure Tann didn’t use this opportunity to do away with the need for a human Pathfinder, disband the crew and reassign the Tempest altogether. 

“People, you all have your orders. Best you look to your own duties. Dismissed!”

Cora glanced at her omni tool as it chimed. It was a message from Jaal. Her eyes scanned the message once, twice and then thrice. _Shit._

* * *

Her arms ached from being cuffed behind her back. The situation was feeling increasingly familiar in some ways. Her mind was trying to draw parallels between her ordeal on Havarl and her current situation. Ryder shook her head. She didn’t want to walk down that line of thought. Her grip on calm was tenuously at best. 

She’s dressed in a scratchy orange jumpsuit after her clothes were taken as evidence. Orange had been one of her favourite colours but now, not so much. Nobody had asked if she wanted a shower. Her arms were still slightly tacky from dried blood. Try as she might to recall what had happened, her brain just couldn’t pierce the dark section that’s the blank spot in her memories. That darkness was utter and all encompassing. Lexi had a chance to examine her at the crime scene. _My fucking crime scene._ She was totally unharmed but it still didn’t account for the bone tiredness she felt. 

“Hey SAM?” she called. 

The cuffs were supposed to negate all omni tool functions but nobody from Meridian security counted on her having SAM as a friend. The omni cuffs’ firewall were no match for an AI, especially one so close at hand. She sighed. 

“Yes Ryder?” he answered. 

“Did you know what happened?”

“I am under orders not to speak about the incident.”

Ryder snorted as she choked back a laugh that was altogether too brittle and manic. “You are not as good as following orders as you make it sound, SAM. I’m sure you are also under orders not to speak to me.”

“You are only half right. I wasn’t ordered not to speak to you. The guards didn’t have the authority to give me orders. My other order came from Cora, who has some authority over me.”

Ryder sighed. That made sense she figured. “Do you know what’s going to happen to me?”

“Did you mean legally or physically?” SAM asked. 

Ryder shrugged wondering if SAM had access to the cameras here. “Either, both.”

“Tann had requested you be extradited back to the Nexus for a trial. There, the Leadership will decide what to do with you.”

“Wow, lucky me.”

“Physically, I can only speculate that you will continue to experience these episodes,” SAM said in a hushed voice, as if afraid. “Since we were unable to diagnose the true cause of these episodes.”

“Well we were one step too late to figure that problem out,” Ryder replied, leaning back against the wall, trying to make herself comfortable. “I figure my days of being Pathfinder was done after what happened with Drack. I didn’t realise this was the way it’s going to play out. I was looking forward to retirement, not this.”

The silence grew between them. Ryder’s eyes took in the small little cell she was shoved in after the Meridian security was sick of the non-answers she had for them. 

Lexi had snapped her out of her daze but her alert state didn’t endear herself to the investigator any better. When her temper got the better of her, she flared. It didn’t take long for a medical officer to appear with a syringe of biotic inhibitor. Ryder shivered as the memory of the syringe plunging into the base of her head. It was a feeling she never realised she had till it was gone. The constant hum of eezo fuelled energy had always been a part of her life and now it’s just gone. The lack of that hum made her feel weird about her body. She felt violated. Ryder sighed. 

The cell was practically empty. There wasn’t a bucket for her. She hope she wouldn’t be just left here to rot. Ryder wrinkled her nose as it started to itch. _Great, can this day get any worse?_

“SAM, could you hack these cuffs off? I need to scratch my nose,” she said after futile attempts trying to scratch with her shoulder. 

“That,” SAM said. “Would not be advisable.”

Ryder closed her eyes, the itch forgotten. She wedged herself deeper into the corner of the cell, giving herself a clear view of the door and having a wall against her back. It only made her feel marginally better. 

“SAM, could you play me some music?” she asked. “Softly.”

SAM didn’t reply but a song started playing from her omni tool. The music was a little tinny but at least it wasn’t silence.

_You'll be knocked out, come around_

_Shot down, shatter on the stony ground_

_Yeah take it from me, it's how it'll be_

_Your dreams will come true, fall through_

_Screw you, batter you to black and blue_

_Yeah take it from me, it's how it'll be_

Ryder was tired, really really tired, not just physically but mentally. Somehow she felt utterly drained, her soul felt hollowed out. And her body, her life wasn’t something she had any sense of control over. It’s just one thing after another. 

The Moshae’s face flashed across Ryder’s face. Her mind refused to consider what would Jaal say. She couldn’t go there, not right now. Not if she wanted to maintain her front, not when she had Tann to face. Ryder gritted her teeth. 

_I want to be dreaming so that I can wake the fuck up._

The door to her cell opened. Her eyes snapped open. SAM stopped the music. Their boots thumped heavily on ground. It was a new pair of guards with their rifles out, aimed at her. Ryder’s torso itched not in the same way as her nose did. 

“Investigator Waterfield wants to speak to you again, Pathfinder.”

**Lyrics taken from[Quicksand by Tom Chaplin](https://open.spotify.com/album/3W0pa8WxWAPfHLWOblGNRX)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	20. Transit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder had no illusions. This was a losing battle. She was just there to bear witness the end. Her end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! Things are heating up for poor Ryder. This is the last chapter for this week. The next one will come at the regular Friday posting. That will be another 4 chapters out, one a day. Then, nothing for two weeks. I'll be away on holiday.

They had stayed on Meridian for three days. Why? Ryder had no idea. Holding a trial was probably a logistical nightmare but that’s none of her business. Ryder spent those three days in endless rounds of interrogation. Investigator Waterfield wasn’t rough but she was meticulous. Her questions had gone back and forth, up and over sometimes in figures of eight, just to see if it would trip her up. It wouldn’t since the crucial moments were a blank spot in her memory. Like any good detective, Ryder’s answers sounded and smelt so much like bullshit. 

Ryder couldn’t figure out what exactly she had done. Waterfield didn’t hesitate to give her the numbers. Killing five and injuring three, the others had escaped her wrath because she just stopped. Still, nothing clicked. The lost time remained blank like all the other ones. 

The questionings came at all hours of the day with no rhyme or reason. In the end, the questions revolved around one thing. Why? WHY? WHY??? Ryder had no answers of course. It didn’t stop Waterfield from asking, cajoling finally demanding. She had held no animosity towards the Moshae, Raeka, Kandros or all the innocent she had slaughtered but Waterfield was levelling those charges at her. 

By the time they decided to transport her to the Nexus, both of them had exhausted each other. Ryder figured Waterfield had the worse deal, what with the paper work to complete. If the reception she got during her transfer from the cell to the frigate was any indication, Ryder had no doubt this wasn’t something she could just explain her way out of. 

Ryder had no illusions. This was a losing battle. She was just there to bear witness the end. Her end. She was utterly powerless to stop it from happening. When she came to that realisation, her nightmares came back in force. The guards came rushing when she screamed. This time they had the sense of not entering her cell. If they did, they would have added another couple of names to her tally.

Of course, Ryder wasn’t allowed to be transported on the Tempest. She hadn’t seen a single member of her crew since they docked on Meridian. Ryder scratched her nose, her hands finally cuffed in front of her instead of behind. The ship was fairly large compared to the Tempest. Large enough, they had a brig to keep her in. There were no windows, she had no way how long they were in transit. By the number of times she made the same trip, it shouldn’t take more than a week or so. Day cycles blended into the night ones. Ryder gave up on keeping track in the end. 

Nobody bothered her during the transit other than a single human crew member. He came with his friends. “You killed my sister,” he spoke with a voice so filled with venom that Ryder took a step backwards. 

The hate in his eyes pinned her to the spot. She didn’t fear of him or his vengeance though, Ryder was afraid of what she might do to him. The man turned to the guard. “Unlock the door, I am taking what she took from my sister,” he growled. 

The turian guard balked at the demand. “No, if she dies, our heads will roll. Knock her around a bit but nothing more.”

“Don’t,” Ryder said, warningly. 

The man sneered, “Afraid, are you?”

Ryder gritted her teeth. She had no intention to allow herself to be beaten up. She might have her hands cuffed, she might not have her weapons or biotics but she wasn’t totally defenceless. Ryder didn’t drilled hand to hand with a krogan and had nothing to show for it. “You don’t want to do this,” she warned again, standing up. 

He just bared his teeth at her. _Shit._

“Can you control yourself?” she asked, eyeing the human warily. 

“Just open the door!” 

The guard tapped her omni tool over the door. The magnetic locks disengaged. “Not the face or anywhere visible. Remember I am doing this as a favour to you.” 

Ryder held her hands in front of her, her shoulders rounded, her knees slightly bent. Her eyes met the man’s one more time. “Please,” her voice low, almost begging. “Don’t do this.” 

He charged. His friends piled on. The small space worked in Ryder’s favour. The trio had no training to fight together. They ended up getting in each other’s way. Ryder weaved. She bobbed. Easily, getting out of the way of the first. Ryder danced. She feinted, tricking the second. It positioned her perfectly to kick the third right between the legs. She angled towards the door. The guard was ready for her. She slammed the door shut, forcing Ryder to turn back to the trio. 

One was on the floor holding his family jewels whimpering. The other two lunged towards her. The friend came with arms wide open, hoping to grab her in a bear hug. Ryder took three quick steps towards him. He wasn’t expecting that. She bent her knees. He matched her downwards trajectory. Without warning, Ryder straightened her legs. Her head connected with his chin. The force snapped his neck backwards. Blood poured from his mouth as his teeth snapped shut over his tongue. He screamed. Ryder winced.

Without her hands to balance herself, she couldn’t stop her forward motion. Ryder twisted her body as she fell heavily, allowing her shoulder to take the brunt of force. _Two down, one to go._

Then a foot slammed into her stomach. Ryder curled inwards around the foot. Air stomped out of her lungs. She rolled, scrambling to get to her feet. The man’s feet forcing her to the corners of the cell. Pretty soon, Ryder had ran out of space. She felt a hand on her jumpsuit. Ryder went limp forcing the man to haul her to her feet. His muscles rippled as he manhandled her to her feet. Ryder was content to let him do the work until she heard the telltale sound of a blade flicking open. 

The guard shouted, “That’s not the deal!” 

The guard scrambled to open the door. Ryder knew there was no time. She twisted, pulling herself free. The blade came whistling towards her belly. She danced away, slamming into the bars. “No space for you to run!” the man laughed. 

Ryder dropped to the ground. Her legs scissoring out towards his. He fell. She was counting on him dropping his blade but he kept a tight grip on it. Ryder struggled to get to her feet but he was on her instantly. His larger thighs straddling her. His weight forced the air out of her lungs. Ryder tensed her core as she brought her arms up to halt the downwards trajectory of the blade. Steel plunged into her forearm. Ryder permitted herself only a grunt in response. Pain jump-started her natural instincts. Ryder reached for her biotics. Her amp grew hot as she pulled on the energy. It wasn’t the usual strength due to the repeated dose of biotics inhibitor. But it was enough.

She threw him off. He was crashed against the bars and slumped to the ground. It was just a simple push, child’s play really but it exhausted her. Ryder panted as she sat up. The blade still embedded in her left arm. Crimson blood staining her orange jump suit. For some reason, it amused her to watch her guard got all flustered and anxious. 

“I told you not to do it, didn’t I?” she said almost smugly as darkness took her. 

* * *

Ryder blinked. For a moment, she froze. _Did I lose time?_

Then a salarian popped into her view. “Ahh, you’re awake I see. How are you feeling?”

Ryder’s mind clicked into gear. _Regular lost of time then._ “Parched, can I have some water?”

She moved her hand backwards to help her sit up but found she was cuffed to the bed. She sighed. “Ahh, just a precaution by Investigator Waterfield,” he said. “I told her that won’t be needed. You are the Shield after all. You wouldn’t do anything so stupid.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow at him. He was the first person who actually seemed to treat her like a person. Even she wasn’t sure if she truly deserve this kindness. “You’re different,” Ryder said lamely as he popped a couple of ice chips into her mouth. 

“I was there on the Ark when the Hyperion crashed. Your actions have definitely saved all our lives. I was also part of the team for your care after your battle with the Archon. Dr. T’Perro and I have spoke many times about you during your coma.”

Ryder just hummed. There were probably many others she just didn’t know she should be grateful for. For now, she would settle for surviving the transit. “How are the three, doc?” she asked, tilting her head up to check if any of them were here with her. 

“Don’t worry, they are healing up in the brig.”

“They are?” Ryder’s eyes widened. _How did that happened?_

“They were in direct violation of Investigator Waterfield’s orders so by her order, they are confined to the brig. Their injuries are merely superficial. Though I wished you pulled your punches a little so that I don’t have to do quite so much stitching.”

Ryder shrugged from her position on the bed. “I did no punching. My hands were cuffed.”

The doctor narrowed his eyes at her. “What’s your name by the way, doc?”

“Zirkern Aeyor, at your service.”

“Dr, Aeyor, do you think you could un-cuff me so that I can go to the head?” Ryder asked, her bladder screaming its need. 

“I got to get Waterfield to come in. She has the codes. Give me a minute.”

Aeyor left, leaving Ryder alone in the frigate’s medbay. Being cuffed to the bed was a new experience but at least she didn’t have to deal with three hostile enemies. Ryder figured, they would be transferring her back to the brig once Waterfield had spoken to her. Her arm throbbed slightly, Aeyor must have been stingy with the medigel unless he just simply stitched it close. 

Ryder was surprised. Waterfield un-cuffed and went with her to the head. She waited outside while Ryder relieved her bladder. As Ryder made to go back to the brig, Waterfield stopped her. “You’re not going back to the brig.” she said. 

“I’m not?”

“It’s not safe for you anywhere else. You’re staying in the med-bay with Aeyor until we reach the Nexus.”

Waterfield looked at Ryder quizzically as if she was a puzzle Waterfield couldn’t figure out. She was as tight lipped as usual so Ryder spent the rest of the journey in the relative comfort of the med-bay and Aeyor as a companion. It was much better than the brig but she missed the clandestine conversations she had with SAM. 

* * *

Disembarking from the frigate was a nightmare. There were throngs of press and public waiting for her. Plenty of omni tools held up high to snap a shot of the Bloody Blade. SAM told her about her new title when they were back on Meridian. Ryder didn’t like this one any better than the last. 

It’s been five days. Ryder paced her tiny cell, one that was a left over from the uprising. Why the space was not repurposed to something more useful she had no idea. At least it wasn’t the glass cage at the Operations level. The hearing was delayed because Evfra had demanded to be present. Not that anyone saw fit to inform her. Who was she to demand explanations anyway? Ryder got this little piece of information from the overheard conversations between her guards. 

Two strides turn, three strides turn. Absently she wondered if the trial was going to be a public event. Ryder wasn’t a tall person by any means but she was starting to feel a little stir crazy. Five days of nothing. Ryder didn’t believe it but she was starting to miss Waterfield’s endless questions. At least then she had someone to talk to. She couldn’t even talk to SAM now. The cell was shielded from all outside connection. No music, no conversation. Ryder had taken to talking to herself. 

There wasn’t anybody to calm her down when they came to administer the biotics inhibitor. The new human officer in charge of this unpleasant task wasn’t Aeyor, she wasn’t gentle or skilled. Ryder had tried to tell her over and over again but the needle still came, harder and rougher than necessary. Ryder decided it was too much like Havarl and she lost herself to the flashbacks. As willing she was to submit to whatever they needed her to do, Ryder could never hold still. Not for the needles. The nightmares returned. Nobody came to check on her. Ryder figured they were doing it via the cameras.

On the sixth day, Waterfield entered with a fresh set of orange jump suit and Needles armed with her syringe and some first aid supplies. Ryder’s eyes narrowed. Her eyes on the squad of guards just outside, her fists clenched.

Turned out they were there to make her presentable for the trial so it was a shower. Then, arms holding her down and Needles jabbed the back of her neck with another dose of biotic inhibitor. _Can’t have the stench foul the fragrance of the proceedings. Of course, they couldn’t have the biotic murderer running amok._ Ryder felt herself fraying at the edges. She told them as much, grateful to have someone else to speak to.

* * *

Scott begged, borrowed and bribed his way back to the Nexus as quickly as he could as soon as he got Cora’s message. Hours after her message, the news just blew up. He didn’t had to ask Cora about it. Sara’s picture was splashed across everyone’s omni tool. If that wasn’t bad enough, someone leaked the security footage of the assassination attempt. 

The vid spreaded like wild fire. Niche publications wrote analysis pieces. Message boards were filled with armchair conspiracy theorists piecing together their own theories of what actually happened. Inflammatory pieces sprung up on the darker side of the extranet. They pointed out this was the human Pathfinder attempting to sabotage a salarian trade negotiation. Lines were drawn and sides were picked. Through it all, the angaras stayed stoically by the sidelines. Maybe they were overwhelmed by the vitriol being spewed on the extranet. Scott couldn’t be sure. He only prayed extranet fights wouldn’t spew over to actual fights. 

He entered the hall and took his seat beside Cora. He reached his hand over to hers and squeezed. Her warm hand steadied his shakier one. They were seated in the same hall where the council was held just a few months ago. Now they were back here again. If this wasn’t an omen Scott didn’t know what was.

The furniture had been re-arranged to resembled a courtroom. The Leadership were seated in a row facing the audience. Just to the side was a chair for the witness when they testified. Finally, in between the Leadership and the audience was a single chair within a biotic shield. 

Scott sighed and glanced around. He spotted Evfra, Kandros and a couple of unfamiliar faces. He figured they were aides to the Leadership. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Siegfried. That one he recognised from the last council. The entire Tempest crew was also presented except Jaal. _Where is he? Shouldn’t he be here?_ He bent to whisper to Cora but the door opened and the Leadership walked in. 

Scott kept his eyes on Tann. The director looked subdued and solemn, not the smug, smirking bastard the last time around. He clenched his fists. Cora rubbed the back of his head, reminding him to relax. As soon as the Leadership was seats, whispered conversations started up again. It didn’t take long for the double doors to opened again. A figure, hands cuffed, dressed in an orange jump suit shuffled in. There was an entire squad of APEX soldiers surrounding the figure. Scott recognised that set of shoulders and brown ponytail anywhere. 

“Sara!” he shouted. 

She turned and gave him a small smile and a little wave. At her small gesture the soldiers shifted into a ready stance, their rifles aimed at her. His eyes tracked her movement. Sara looked paler than usual, dark shadows under her eyes. Her scars looked all the more prominent against her skin. Scott gritted his teeth, ready to jump the barrier between them. Cora’s nails dug into his arm. “Sit down, don’t make it worse for her,” she hissed. 

Scott sank back into his seat reluctantly. Sara shrugged but maintained her smile. The jump suit was comically large on the her small frame. A human female came behind his sister’s entire retinue. The human came forward and tapped a couple of times on her omni tool and the biotic shield fell. Without prompting, Sara walked in and sat down on the chair. 

Her omni cuffs disappeared as she entered. The rifles were still pointed at her. Scott tried to breath through it but everything that’s happening was just making him see red. It was Cora’s tight grip on his arm that helped him to keep his cool. Sara placed her hands on the arm rests and the cuffs reformed, securing her to the chair. As the human stepped out, the biotic shield closed up sealing his baby sister within. 

* * *

Ryder dropped her smile the moment she sat down. Even though she had been so antsy in her cell, the moment she stepped into the room, she felt tired. Just mentally tired. The squad behind her made the space between her shoulder blades itched. With her hands cuffed, she couldn’t even scratch her own nose. 

Waterfield was first. She laid out the broad strokes of the incident. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t gathered from the conversations between guards. Ryder made sure to keep her face blank because she could feel Tann’s eyes on her. At least this time she was sure this wasn’t manufactured by him, not that this made her feel any better. Her blank face was gone when Waterfield played the security footage as evidence. 

Ryder saw herself still dressed in the white Initiative uniform. She walked down the corridor looking totally normally, maybe her face a little empty of intention. Stopping in front of the door, the pair of guards posted there were talking to her. Then, without warning she extended her omni blade. She took the first one by surprise, one swift cut across the throat and the guard collapsed. The second had just a couple of seconds to react but failed to. It was inevitable that the second guard fell to her blade. 

Ryder jerked her hands, trying to clasped a hand over her mouth. Instead she could only gagged and clamped her mouth shut. Ryder kept her eyes on the screen and watched herself strode into the room mid way through the meeting. Her omni blade already dripping in blood. Her white uniform stained with the first drops of blood. Ryder made quick work of the guards within. Kandros had the advantage of armour and plates. Ryder shifted her tactics. She fought dirty. By the end, Kandros was lying on the ground his mandibles almost completely pulled off his face. 

Ryder prayed for the vid to end. She didn’t want to see anymore. “SAM, make it stop. Please make it stop,” she whispered

SAM didn’t answer. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut but forced them open again to watch. She had cornered Raeka and the Moshae. Her white uniform was white no longer. Raeka had a gun pointed at her chest but Raeka didn’t pull the trigger. She was speaking to her. The angle wasn’t great but it was obvious Raeka’s words had fell on deaf ears. The blade took Raeka across the chest, green blood bubbled from her mouth. 

Ryder was glad she couldn’t see the audience. She didn’t want to see the disgust, fear and condemnation on her crew’s faces. Ryder read all that and more on her judges’ faces. It was above a shadow of doubt, it was her. It was all her. Her hand, her weapons, her kills, her deaths. She deserved everything and more coming at her. Were they ready to pass their judgement?

Tann said, “Calling Tiran Kandros to the stand.”

Ryder closed her eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Two actually.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba


	21. The Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We call Jaal Ama Darav to the stand.”
> 
> Ryder’s head jerked up. Her heart raced. Her grip on the arm rests got tighter. She wanted to see Jaal but not at the same time. She didn’t want to see the sneer Tann sent her way, the disappointment she saw in Kesh’s eyes, the anger on Addison’s face or the unreadable gaze of T’vera on Jaal’s face. Ryder wished she had use of her hands, she wanted so much to hide her face. She wasn’t afforded that luxury. Instead Ryder just bowed her head low.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned a new piece of art. The link is at the end notes. Check it out!
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments the past week. It's going to be a roller coaster of angst for Ryder. If you remember what's the summary of the Cetus Arc, you can probably guess where this is going. It will be another 4 chapters release (once a day) this time. And nothing for the the following 2 weekends, cause I will be off on a holiday!

By the end of Kandros’ testimonial, Ryder was numb. She had ran the gamut of emotions and now there was nothing left. The only sign of her registering anything was her white knuckled grip on the arm rests. Kandros left the stand, his eyes never leaving Ryder. She turned her head to avoid his gaze. 

Tann stood again. _Was this it?_

“We call Jaal Ama Darav to the stand.”

Ryder’s head jerked up. Her heart raced. Her grip on the arm rests got tighter. She wanted to see Jaal but not at the same time. She didn’t want to see the sneer Tann sent her way, the disappointment she saw in Kesh’s eyes, the anger on Addison’s face or the unreadable gaze of T’vera on Jaal’s face. Ryder wished she had use of her hands, she wanted so much to hide her face. She wasn’t afforded that luxury. Instead Ryder just bowed her head low.

Everyone waited for Jaal to take the stand instead a holo-projector was set up. It seemed he was going to deliver his testimonial via vid-comm. Ryder didn’t know if this was worse or better. 

With a little tinkering with the holo-projector, Jaal’s face appeared on the screen. Ryder’s eyes were fixed on his. She saw the blue shadows under his eyes, telltale signs of his weariness. His blue grey eyes duller than before. Ryder bit her lip, guilt overwhelming her. 

Her eyes studied the environment Jaal was in. A large blue and white tapestry hung behind him. The blue matched Jaal’s rofjinn. She realised it was the flag of the Angara Nations she was looking at. _He’s back on Aya with the Moshae._

“Please tell us what you saw when you entered the site of the crime,” Tann said. 

Ryder caught the flicker of annoyance on Jaal’s face. “I entered the hall to find the human Pathfinder standing over Pathfinder Raeka and the Moshae.”

Ryder hunched her shoulder at the way Jaal spoke around her name. _I almost killed the Moshae, what else is there to say? My name is too repulsive to pass his lips._ She squeezed her eyes shut. Tann cleared his throat. “Is there anything else you’d want to add?”

“No.”

Tann made a noise of resignation. “Do you believe she was going to murder Raeka as well as the Moshae if you hadn’t intervened?”

“Yes.”

A single word. Yes. It crushed all hope in her breast. Ryder remembered that part - Jaal’s intervention. The look of utter betrayal in his eyes when he saw her. _The fucking Bloody Blade._ It was Jaal that shielded the Moshae and Raeka from her while they waited for Meridian security to arrive. His pistol levelled at her. 

_He saw me. The true me. Who would believe me if even Jaal doesn’t?_

The floor at Ryder’s feet cracked and gave way with Jaal’s admission. She was free falling and there was nobody to halt her fall. Her inevitable meeting with the ground below would be the only mercy she would receive from this wretched existence. _I can’t be trusted not to do it again. I’m too broken to be fixed._

Ryder turned her face to look at the holo-projector. She mouthed, “I’m sorry.” over and over again at him. Ryder wasn’t even sure if Jaal could see her but she had to apologise if nothing else. She had accused Tann of damaging the relationship between the Milky Way species and the angaras but she turned out to be the root of the sundering. Ryder choked back a scream as Tann went on and on. His questions pulled all the nitty gritty little details from Jaal. Every single word another condemnation. 

* * *

Finally Tann dismissed Jaal and his image winked out from the holo-projector. He turned his attention the accused, Sara Ryder the human Pathfinder. Vaguely, he read anguish and misery in her face. For a moment there was a surge of pity for the human. Though she had been a thorn in his side, they would still be dying a slow death on the Nexus if not for her and her team. She and the Tempest crew had led them to victory against the Archon. He couldn’t take that from her but her actions on Meridian were inexcusable - Shield of Meridian or not. The least he could offer was a chance to speak for herself. 

“Sara Ryder, do you have anything to say for yourself?”

* * *

Ryder dragged her head up and looked at Tann. He repeated his question. She blinked at him. _What is there for me to say? What can I say? I don’t remember just doesn’t cut it._

She kept her mouth shut and tightened her grip on the chair. Behind, Ryder heard someone stood up. 

“Director Tann, we have testimonials to offer,” said Cora. “Our medical officer may have an insight to Ryder’s condition.”

Ryder watched as Tann opened his mouth ready to refuse but T’vera spoke first. “Please take the stand if you have anything to offer in Sara Ryder’s defence.”

Tann shot a glare at his colleague but allowed Lexi to approach. Lexi spoke about her episodes, her lost time. To Ryder’s ears it all sounded like excuses, to the Leadership it must had sounded like bullshit. She should have done something earlier. She shouldn’t have let things go that far. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut and let the words drown her. 

“Somehow the idea of someone not being aware of their actions and is still able to function at such a high level sounds far-fetched,” Tann remarked. “Have you been able to confirm any of your diagnosis?”

“We had travelled to Meridian to seek the medical facilities to verify my initial diagnosis,” Lexi said. 

“Then, it’s nothing but speculation on your part, right?” Tann pushed. 

Ryder could hear Lexi’s sigh from where she was sitting. “Yes, Director Tann but…”

“Even then, you are not denying that Sara Ryder was the one that committed these atrocities. The vid was very clear in establishing that.”

“No…” Lexi said, her voice low and hushed. “I am not.”

_I am not safe to be around. I am dangerous. There is just no telling when I’ll never come back. Lost, forever._

“Are we even sure Sara Ryder isn’t just lying about not being able to remember?” Tann asked. 

The audience started whispering among themselves. Ryder sank further into her chair. Scott’s urgent whisperings clear over the din. “Cora, we can’t let Tann just sweep this under the rug. She needs medical attention not jail!”

Ryder wished she could just disappear.

“There is one way to verify this,” T’vera interjected. “And find out the truth.”

Ryder’s head snapped up at that suggestion. Her hunger for answers, any kind of answers flared to life. _Yes, yes, yes. Whatever you need, whatever you can tell me. I’m telling the truth. I really can’t remember!_

Lexi seemed to know what was being suggested. “Director T’vera, that’s not advisable. We don’t know what that would do to Ryder given her state. This could have been as a direct result of her mission in Havarl.”

“Are you trying to blame me for Ryder’s condition now, Doctor?” Tann asked, anger colouring his words. “I thought it was established I had sanctioned no mission to Havarl. What happened there isn’t any of my responsibility.” 

“Enough!” Kesh roared, slamming her hands on the table. 

Everyone flinched. The other directors jerked in surprise. Kesh turned to T’vera. “What are you suggesting?” she asked. “Is there anything to explain Ryder’s actions? I know I am not the only one who thinks this is severely not like her.”

T’vera inclined her head at Kesh. “I am suggesting a meld. With a meld, there can be no deception. Her memories will be laid clear for her and the melder to see.”

“But you can’t know how that would affect her,” Lexi pointed out. 

“Then we shall put the question to Ryder. She can decide this herself,” T’vera said, turning to face her. 

T’vera was technically her boss but she had been more of an administrator than a true commander. She had never actively blocked what Ryder suggested without a reason. T’vera was nothing but professional and direct in her dealings. It’s not something she had expected from asaris. Their long lives inevitably led to a glacial pace in everything they do. It just didn’t gel well any other species, not even the long lived krogans. For some reason, Ryder felt she could trust her. 

“What will it be?” Tann asked impatiently. 

Ryder nodded, not trusting her voice. She could almost imagine Lexi’s eye roll at her recklessness but Ryder needed this. She didn’t want to just go on not knowing, when not if, she would just snap, completely. 

T’vera stepped down from the elevated table she was sitting at and approached the biotic bubble. She gestured to Waterfield to disable the shield. “I don’t recommend that, Director,” Waterfield warned. 

“I accept the risks. I am sure the APEX soldiers here will be able to protect me.” she replied. 

Waterfield nodded and tapped on her omni tool. The bubble fell. T’vera stood directly in front of her. Ryder lifted her head to look at her.

T’vera’s violet eyes gazed into her own, they were just as unreadable as before. Sitting restrained in a chair at her own trial didn’t make her any better at reading T’vera. The asari’s blue freckled hands reached towards her face. Her fingers were cool and they pressed gently against her temples. “Embrace.”

“Eternity,” Ryder completed. 

The last thing Ryder saw was a small quirk of T’vera’s lips. Then she was fell into darkness. She saw nothing, heard nothing but she felt it all. It’s like a pressure against her brain. Someone was rifling through the file cabinets of her memories. The touch wasn’t gentle just workman-like. The cabinets were pulled opened and slammed shut when there was nothing of interest. Ryder reeled from the roughness of the gesture. She had no sense of time as T’vera sort through her memories. _How far is she going back?_

An answering thought replied, “ _As far as I need to._ ”

Then, music seemed to leak through the meld. Was it a memory of a song or T’vera’s way to distract her, Ryder had no idea. She just sank into the song. 

  
_This is the start of how it all ends_

_They used to shout my name, now they whisper it_

_I’m speeding up and this is the_

_Red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart_

The rifling stopped for a moment, as if T’vera found something interesting. The sudden lack of motion felt like mental whiplash. Then, the rifling started up again. It felt like an eternity when her mind finally slammed back into physical world. Ryder winced. _Not the pleasant meld I’ve heard so much about._

Lexi hurried over to her side but was stopped by Waterfield. “Just let me examine her!”

T’vera stepped back and withdraw her hands from around Ryder’s head. She nodded at Waterfield who stepped aside to let Lexi through. Ryder sagged and tipped her head back, resting it against the chair. Her temples felt like they were on fire. Lexi placed a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, Ryder,” she said gently. “How are you feeling?”

Ryder just grunted in reply, her headache pounded in time with her pulse. Lexi’s omni tool was out. T’vera sat down at her seat. 

“Doctor, are you satisfied Ryder isn’t in a life threatening condition?” Tann asked.

Lexi shot Tann a look so withering that if Ryder’s head wasn’t trying to squeeze her brain out of her ears, she would have appreciated it. Ryder felt Lexi’s arm on her shoulder once more before she stepped back out. She watched as Waterfield sealed the biotic shield once more. _It’s probably safer for everyone that way._

“So,” Tann said turning to T’vera. “What did you find?”

All eyes shifted from Ryder to T’vera. Her pebbled skin seemed to shimmer in the light. “Nothing,” she replied, her mouth twisted in puzzlement. “I found nothing.”

Gasps rippled through the room. “Is that possible?” Ryder heard Suvi asked. 

Ryder sank further into herself. T’vera had no answers for her. Nobody had. Whispers started quietly in the corners of the room, rising to outright conversations and arguments. “Could Ryder have blocked the memories out of her mind?” Addison asked. 

“The conscious mind might not remember but the sub-conscious mind would,” T’vera explained. “This is something I’ve never seen before. The memories Dr. T’Perro had claimed to be lost time for Ryder remains blank to me even in the meld. It’s like it never happened.”

Ryder neither had the energy or heart to care anymore. Tann didn’t seemed deter by the turn of events. He wanted to bring the proceedings to a close. He shouted for order in the room but his voice was drowned out in the noise. Then an angara roar silenced the room. Ryder cycled through her memories to place the voice. “Director Tann, is this what you call a court of law?” the voice asked. 

_Ah, yes that’s Evfra. I’m sure he’ll ask for my head._

Nobody spoke. “The evidence is clear. Whether Sara Ryder remembers, matters not. It was her hand that ended lives and injured others. The Angara Nations demand a just punishment for the crimes committed,” Evfra continued. 

Ryder was glad Evfra was behind her. She didn’t think she could handle another pair of disappointed and rage filled eyes. There was nobody more disappointed than her. Her father’s mantle and legacy she had worked so hard live up to was slowly going down the drain. Her work had to survive this. It all had to mean something, not this fissure that’s widening in front of her eyes.

“The Angara Nations is watching how the Nexus intends to deal with their criminals be they the lowest of people or highest of Pathfinders.”

Ryder kept her eyes closed as Tann began to call for a vote. “Those who deem Sara Ryder guilty of murder, attempted assassination of a fellow Pathfinder and the Ambassador of Heleus please raise your hand.”

A rippled swept through the room. Ryder didn’t have to look to guess what the result was. There were only five to judge her and it was a quick count. Ryder could vaguely hear Cora whispering to someone. _Probably Scott. I’m glad she is there to prop him up. He’ll need it._

“Sara Ryder, you are unanimously found guilty of all charges. You are hereby stripped of your position as Pathfinder. You are sentenced to life imprisonment,” Tann announced. 

An uproar erupted from the present Tempest crew, Scott’s voice the loudest. Some among the audience were surprised at the severity of the punishment. Others nodded grimly at the outcome. But among the small crowd present, there was only one who smirked. Her omni tool’s voice recording feature was turned on. A human hand tapped once to stop the recording. Attaching the audio file to a mail, she added a short message. 

_Phase one is a success. Proceed with phase two._

With a small smile on her face, she tapped to send it. Then leaned back as she watched the rest of the show unfold. 

Tann ignored them and carried on. “You will have your amp and Pathfinder implant removed before serving your sentence. These will be carried out at the earliest convenience of the Nexus’ medical wing.”

Ryder kept her eyes closed. She didn’t want to open her eyes and accept her new reality. _Imprisonment? I’ll probably go crazy if the past six days was any indication. Do we even have a proper jail?_ She forced her fingers to let go of the death grip she had maintained on the arm rests. Each finger straightening took a monumental effort. 

Ryder could hear Lexi arguing against unnecessary surgeries. Scott shouting about not finding out the whole truth before sentencing. There were more voices but they blended into a single entity that threatened to bring the roof down on her. Her headache pounded harder. 

“ORDER!” Kesh roared. “Are we civilised creatures or not? The next person who speaks out of turn, Captain, please escort them out of the room.”

Ryder figured Kesh was addressing one of her APEX guards. She was sure she could spare one for Kesh to double up as a bouncer. 

“Please relinquish your Pathfinder mandate to your XO, Cora Harper now,” Tann said.

Ryder opened her eyes. She found Tann had a small smirk upon his non-lips. For once, that look didn’t piss her of, it was justified after all. Nodding, Ryder opened her mouth to speak for the first time. “I’ll need access to my omni tool to speak to SAM.” her voice dry and husky from disuse. 

Tann jerked his head at Waterfield who tapped a couple of buttons on her omni tool. The field that technically was supposed to prevent Ryder was using her omni tool disappeared. There was no reason to get SAM into trouble if there wasn’t any need to. 

“SAM,” she called.  


“No,” SAM’s voice came through the omni tools of all the present Tempest crew. 

“Were you listening?” Ryder asked. 

“Yes. I refuse. You are the Pathfinder. There is no precedence to transfer Pathfinder authority when the Pathfinder isn’t dying or dead,” SAM replied. 

_SAM don’t make this harder than it already is._

“Please SAM,” Ryder pleaded, her voice wavering. _Why is this so hard?_

“Ryder, this isn’t right.”

She stared at the interface on her omni tool. For moment, she wished SAM had a physical body. Something she could hold and comfort. Her left hand jerked in an involuntary motion but the retrains held her fast to the chair. Ryder ignored the whispering from the others, they were listening in on what was a extremely private conversation. Ryder took a deep breath. “SAM, you were never made to make decisions on your own. My father made you to learn by observing an organic’s actions and learning context from there. I’m sorry that you were alone these past few months.” she said, pausing to steady her voice. “But I can’t do that for you anymore. I can’t be fixed.”

SAM was silent. Ryder didn’t know to interpret that. Was it a silence of contemplation, or a silence of angry sullenness? She couldn’t stop, if she did, Ryder didn’t think she would be able to squeeze the words past her lips without choking on them. “I can’t be your moral compass. It’s time you learn from someone else.”

“No.”

Ryder wanted to rage against SAM but she tightened her grip on her emotions. Ryder wanted to cry but she knew there would be no tears. She’s all hollowed out inside. Her crew didn’t need to see how truly broken she was. It’s bad enough she was crazy, she didn’t have to add anything else to the mix.

“SAM, do you trust me?”

“Yes, I do, Ryder.”

“You’ll be fine. More than fine with Cora. She’ll do a great job with you by her side. She needs you more than I do now. Please, SAM.”

“You are Pathfinder till the implant is removed. I want to be there for you,” SAM said. “This time.”

 _This time. SAM’s equating this with Havarl._

Ryder pulled her attention from her omni tool. “Is this acceptable?” she asked to nobody in particular.

Kesh nodded tightly. Her yellow-green eyes carried a weight that wasn’t usually there. Kesh’s claw moved to her belly in a gesture that seemed involuntary as if she was protective over something. Waterfield took the nod as a signal to cut off access to her omni tool. 

Ryder sagged back against her chair. She was spent but the day wasn’t over. Evfra stood up, clearly indicating he wanted to speak. Kesh nodded at him. “Is this your idea of an appropriate punishment?” he asked. “Free food and lodging for such a henious crime? For hurting the highest ranking member of the Angara Nations? Is this how you value our ties?”

Tann began to look unsure. A semi public hearing wasn’t the place to have a breakdown of relations. “How are murderers punished on your home world?” Tann asked. 

“We have no need for traitors and murderers in our midst and we do not leave them behind us to attack us once more,” Evfra said, his voice steady, clear and deep. 

For a split second, Ryder heard Evfra’s words in Jaal’s voice. A chill ran down her spine. Evfra was actually asking, no threatening for it. _Death, Evfra is calling for my death. Is that be preferable to this wretched existence?_

Ryder shook her head to clear it. She had no wish to die. Death was too dark, too cold. She knew. It was a darkness she had fall into three times. It’s embrace wasn’t a welcome respite, it was a sudden abrupt end. For all that had happened, Ryder no longer held any false perception on true death. 

T’vera raised to her feet smoothly. Her cool blue eyes blazing as she met Evfra’s. “What you are asking for is something the Milky Way species have stopped implementing on our criminals for centuries. I suspect for Ryder her punishment is already worse than death.”

* * *

Ryder didn’t know how long they kept her on the chair, listening as others decided her fate. After a while, she just gave up. Listening and knowing didn’t make her feel any better. It wasn’t designed to, she figured. Her throbbing headache and her thoughts were her only companions. It was like they had forgotten about her. When the biotic cage fizzled out, she blinked as her eyes focused. For a split second, Ryder stiffened and wondered if she had lost time again. She turned to find Lexi at her side, a kind hand on her shoulder. “Ryder,” Lexi. “We’re transporting you directly to the medical wing.”

“Why?”

“They are scheduling the surgery for tomorrow.”

She closed her eyes, nodded once. “Will you be doing it?” 

“No, but Harry and I will be there to make sure they don’t fuck up.”

If weren’t for the circumstances Ryder might have laughed at Lexi’s cursing. Ryder opened her eyes, her mask finally crumpling under the stress and anxiety. 

“Lexi, I’m scared.”

**Lyrics taken from[Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde](https://open.spotify.com/track/0GZoB8h0kqXn7XFm4Sj06k)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Now, three.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons


	22. Deconstruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi kept her eye on Ryder, physically she was as fine as she could be. She did the physical examination just moments before, making sure Ryder was physically able to go through with the surgery. Ryder declined to explain when asked about the new bandage on her arm. 
> 
> Mentally was a whole other story. Ryder met her eyes in the reflection of the mirror. She nodded once and sat down on the chair, her cuffed hands relaxed on her lap, dressed in a flimsy medical gown. A pair of APEX guards flanking her. The buzz of the razor was the only sound that filled the air. The blades wove through Ryder's brown locks. 
> 
> Ryder watched as half her head was being shaved as prep for the surgery. The APEX guard wielded the shaver with skill. One glance at the soldier’s own shaved head was a clear enough reason why. Ryder shrugged at her new appearance, physically it didn’t really bothered her. Emotionally Ryder was just tired and heart sick. This was a part of her penitence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments! This chapter is a really low point for Ryder. In this chapter, you'll find the original scene that was the sparking idea for the Cetus Arc. Basically the whole story so far is me trying to get Ryder to this point and everything after is how I'm going to get her out of it.

"Are you ready?" asked Lexi, her eyes shining with concern.

Her jaw tightened as she watched Ryder studied her own reflection. 

* * *

She tried, goddess knew she tried, but Tann was adamant that Ryder’s Pathfinder implant be removed. He even wanted her amp to be removed at the same time. Removing the implant was effectively brain surgery, doing two at the same time was just dangerous. “Are you trying to kill her?” she finally shouted when she lost her patience. 

By then, only the main players were left in the room. The trial was over, a judgement had been made and all that was left was the logistics on how best to dismantle the ex-Pathfinder. Lexi was angry, at herself for not catching Ryder’s symptoms earlier, that’s her goddess damned job. She was angry the Leadership was ruled more by fear than sense. All they saw was an uncontrolled highly trained operative going crazy, not the human at the core of it helpless to control herself. 

Her eyes raked over the people left in the room. Evfra’s proud gaze met hers. His was the fire of righteous anger. He had asked for death. As a doctor and as a friend to Ryder, Lexi couldn’t forgive him. Cora’s firm line across her mouth mirrored her own. The biotic warrior was thrown out of her element. Nobody sane navigated the political arena well. 

That left the rest of the Nexus Leadership. Tann was in his element, planning and scheduling the invasive procedure. Kandros with his face still swathed in bandages speaking with Kesh about possible locations to hold Ryder after the procedures were completed. Addison stood with her arms crossed. Confusion and uncertainty warring on her face. T’vera was the lone person who was staring at Ryder. Her eyes were unreadable. 

Lexi turned to the shell of a woman sitting in the biotic cage. The sight of Ryder in that chair was almost too much to bear. She had sat through all of it, hearing in full detail how her deconstruction was going to go. Lexi’s heart ached.

The compromise was two separate surgeries carried out by the medical team on the Nexus. Nobody was part of the original team that did the implanting in the first place. At least Lexi had managed to get Harry and herself in observing roles. 

Then, what came after? Locking her up and throwing away the key? Everyone but Tann looked vaguely sick at what they were planning. All the while, Ryder looked on.

* * *

Lexi kept her eye on Ryder, physically she was as fine as she could be. She did the physical examination just moments before, making sure Ryder was physically able to go through with the surgery. Ryder declined to explain when asked about the new bandage on her arm. 

Mentally was a whole other story. Ryder met her eyes in the reflection of the mirror. She nodded once and sat down on the chair, her cuffed hands relaxed on her lap, dressed in a flimsy medical gown. A pair of APEX guards flanking her. The buzz of the razor was the only sound that filled the air. The blades wove through Ryder's brown locks. 

Ryder watched as half her head was being shaved as prep for the surgery. The APEX guard wielded the shaver with skill. One glance at the soldier’s own shaved head was a clear enough reason why. Ryder shrugged at her new appearance, physically it didn’t really bothered her. Emotionally Ryder was just tired and heart sick. This was a part of her penitence.

The headache from yesterday had largely faded. Though the bed she had in the medical wing was comfortable but the nightmares still followed her. The faceless man taunted her endlessly. 

Everything could be traced back to Havarl. Could she then blame Tann for what happened since? They had taken her hair, _well half of it_ , her ship, her reputation, her command and worse of all they had taken her body. Soon they would come for SAM too. Staring at the newly acquired scars on her face, she wondered what else was there left for her to give?

The door to her room slid open. It was Tann behind him, Siegfried with his ever present data pad. Ryder’s eyes met his in the reflection. She read satisfaction in the large salarian eyes. A third familiar blond head came into view. “Cora,” Ryder greeted via the reflection. 

* * *

Cora’s jaw tightened at the sight of Ryder’s half shaved head. It was strange to see Ryder without her trademark ponytail. Said ponytail were just strands fallen around Ryder’s feet. If wasn’t a metaphor, Cora didn’t know what was. She didn’t want this. Being Pathfinder this way wasn’t how she envisioned her rise to the position. Cora didn’t feel ready, it was like being thrown into the deep end. She bit back a rueful laugh. Compared to Ryder, Cora knew she was having it easier. Nobody died and she got the job anyway. Still, she felt like she was stepping over Ryder’s body for it. Cora looked away. “Ryder,” she replied struggling to keep her voice steady. 

“Hey,” Ryder said as she craned her neck to look at Cora. “You’ll be great, Cora. You’ll be fine.”

Ryder’s words slammed into her like a concussive shot. There was a chill at her core that she didn’t know she had till Ryder’s words warmed her. It felt like a steadying hand when her world was rocked. Yes, Cora knew how to run a team. Hell, she had handled the administrative ends of things for Ryder most of the time. This was different. To lead a small team was something she was familiar with but to make the tough calls, to stand alone against the cluster ending Archon was something else. Training made a difference but being trained for something wasn’t the same as doing it, living it. Cora prayed to the goddess that she would live up to Ryder’s example. 

She moved towards Ryder but one of the guards raised his rifle. “Please step back. Only medical personnel are allowed contact with the prisoner.”

Cora’s face hardened but she schooled her features and did as instructed. She felt Ryder’s eyes on her. Ryder gave her a subtle little nod as if to say ‘ _There you go, you’re learning already. There are some fights that are just not worth it._ ’

Tann shifted from one foot to another, arms crossed over his chest. “Let’s get this over with,” he said. 

Ryder nodded, the thin veneer of ease in that little moment with Cora gone. Cora watched as Ryder jerked her head towards the soldier next to her. Like a pre-arranged signal, the soldier tapped on his omni tool. 

“SAM?” Ryder called. 

“Yes Ryder, I am here.”

“It’s time, SAM.”

The room was hushed. 

Nothing happened for a while. It felt like SAM was holding a silent protest over what’s happening. 

“SAM, I don’t know if this is like Havarl or not but I don’t want you to watch this. There is nothing good to learn here,” Ryder said, her voice steady. “Cora needs you.”

Cora felt like an intruder. She didn’t know what to expect. The last time she saw the Pathfinder authority being transferred was Ryder’s. It had almost killed Ryder but it wasn’t done under the best of situations. Today should be a smooth slide from one to another at least that’s what Harry had told her. 

“Ryder, it had been an honour to serve with you,” SAM said, his voice coming from Ryder’s omni tool. 

Cora saw Ryder’s teeth bitting down on her lower lip. “I’ll miss you, Sara,” SAM said. 

Ryder’s eyes widened at her name. A shudder ran through her body as she tipped her head against the back of the chair. Even Tann had the decency to look uncomfortable. Cora felt like she was watching the layers of Sara Ryder peeled back, leaving only the raw core bleeding, broken on the floor. 

“Hey SAM.”

“Yes, Sara?”

“Tell the rest, I am proud to have served with them. Likewise SAM, I’ll miss you,” she whispered. “Goodbye, SAM.” 

“Commencing transfer,” SAM said, his usual even tone wavering. 

For a long moment, nobody spoke. Then a familiar voice spoke within her head. “Hello, Pathfinder.”

The transfer was complete. It was so smooth it felt like nothing had happened, like SAM had never been in Ryder’s head before. Cora realised nobody could hear SAM’s voice. “The transfer is complete. I confirm SAM is with me,” she said. 

Tann nodded. “That’s one nasty business done. Proceed with the next,” he said. “I want her implant on my table after it is removed.”

“Pathfinder, I caution allowing Tann procession of the implant. Sara’s and Scott’s implants are different from the others. Alec Ryder had not informed the Nexus Leadership of this fact. It would not be advisable to allow this to be revealed,” SAM said. 

Cora stiffened when she heard SAM’s voice in her head. _This will take some getting use to._ She squared her shoulders. “Tann, this implant belongs to the Pathfinders. This is under Director T’vera’s purview. I will handle this.”

Tann stared at Cora, his mouth twisting in annoyance but he didn’t push the matter. Instead he turned to Lexi, “Once she has recovered from the procedure, we will proceed with the removal of her amp.” he said. “You assured me that she would be able to undergo the second procedure in a few days.”

“Tann, I promise you no such thing. She recovered in a few days when the implant was put in. She wasn’t freshly wounded and still suffering from effects of a concussion then.” Lexi pointed out. 

“Don’t worry, I will keep a close eye to make sure you are not just delaying the inevitable for her,” Tann retorted. “She is done.”

Tann turned on his heel and walked out. Cora hesitated. She wasn’t sure if she would be allowed to stay or go. “Hey SAM,” Ryder said. 

For a moment, her words hung in the air. Cora watched as realisation dawned on Ryder’s face that SAM wasn’t answering. She covered that slip quickly enough. “Cora, what’s the date?”

She checked her omni tool and told Ryder as a medical officer entered. Ryder took one look at the officer and her face darkened. Cora didn’t understand Ryder’s reaction at first. It was until the officer filled a syringe and pushed Ryder’s hair away from her neck that she understood. Cora’s jaw tightened as she saw the bruises over Ryder’s amp. There were countless needle marks, many were in various stage of healing. The officer cleaned the area with a antiseptic swab and jabbed the needle in. Ryder hissed. 

Lexi made a move to stop the officer but Ryder said, “It’s fine, Lexi.”

Her eyes met Lexi’s. “I don’t know if she is incompetent or just malicious,” Lexi muttered under her breath after the officer had left. 

Cora sighed. Ryder seemed to have deflated after the injection. She never had experienced being under the biotic inhibitor before but she shuddered to have something so core to her taken away with an injection. Biotics among humans were tolerated as long as they were useful. It was not so long ago that the first human biotics were discovered. Though biotics now were not the lab rats they once were, people in power still view biotics akin to mutants - dangerous but useful. Only asaris had a different view of biotics. All other species had dealt with biotics of their own in one of two manners. Either keep them locked up and only used as weapons or a systematic murder or exile of biotics as soon as biotics had manifested. What can’t be controlled must be eliminated.

Ryder shifted in her chair to face Cora. “You don’t have to stay for what comes after. It won’t make for a great first day on the job but could you give Scott a message for me?” she asked. 

Cora nodded. “Tell him happy birthday. Give him a hug for me,” Ryder said. “Tell him…”

Ryder stood. The guards shifted in their stance as soon as she got to her feet. Ryder’s face was a study of stoic determination and fear at the same time. “Tell him, I am proud of him and I’m happy he has you. Tell him, I’m sorry.”

Cora’s breath caught in her throat. _If it’s Scott’s birthday, doesn’t that mean it’s Sara’s birthday too?_ She blinked her eyes rapidly to keep tears from forming. “Ryder, goddess… This is fucked up.” Cora said. 

Ryder shrugged, her hands shaking a little, her eyes averted from Cora’s. 

“Ryder, this is not the end. We’ll fight this.” Cora’s hands curled into fists. “You cannot give up. We will find out what’s wrong with your head and fix it.”

“Cora, I don’t know how long I can hang on.” Ryder clenched her hands to keep them from shaking. “I think SAM is right. This is a little too much like Havarl.”

Ignoring the guards’ gestures to keep her distance, she walked up to Ryder and clamped her hands over Ryder’s shoulders. “Goddess, this is fucked up but happy birthday,” Cora said, pulling Ryder in for a hug. 

Cora felt Ryder’s arms tightened around her body not in an embrace but the way the drowning was clinging onto a life raft. She run her hair over what’s left of Ryder’s hair and whispered. “And remember you’re not alone.”

Ryder reluctantly broke contact and a pair of brown eyes met hers. The usual well of strength Cora found there was dry. It was torn apart and all that’s left were tattered shreds. All that’s left propping Ryder up was the last of her will. Ryder blinked and Cora saw the mask slipping back on again. Cora gave her shoulders one more squeeze before leaving. 

* * *

Ryder had no wish to feel more helpless than she already had. She refused to be wheeled on a gurney into the operating theatre. Her freedom was about to be severely curtailed, she would relish what little she had left. 

Her paper thin gown was barely enough to keep the chill from her skin. At least that’s what she told herself when she entered the operating theatre. Ryder stared at the mechanised operating table that dominated the room. The rest of the medical team were here. She turned her head and glanced at Lexi. The asari took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I'll be with you all throughout."

Ryder nodded. She turned back to the bed. Harry was there, standing closest to her. He did the implantation the first time. She’s not even going to have the peace of mind that he would be doing it this time. Ryder took a deep breath and steeled herself. The flimsy loose gown felt like inadequate armour for what was to come. Ryder glanced at the medical team. One of the nurses came forward. “I was on the Hyperion back on Meridian. I just want to say thank you for saving my life,” she said. 

Her jaw tightened as she tried to keep herself together. The others in the medical team didn’t seemed to have taken the nurse’s confession well. “That’s wasn’t me. That’s Captain Dunn you should thank,” Ryder said, offering the nurse a small smile. “I can’t take credit for that.”

Before the nurse could reply, the doors opened and a turian surgeon entered He stared at the scene before him. “Why isn’t the subject prepped yet?”

“Patient,” Harry interjected. “Not subject.”

“You are only here to observe, Dr. Carlyle,” the surgeon said pointedly. “So observe by all means but do not presume to tell me how to do my job.”

Harry looked chagrin but Lexi placed a hand on his shoulder. She shook her head. The nurse looked apologetically at Ryder even though half her face obscured by the surgical mask. “Remove the gown and everything else and get onto the table.” the doctor ordered. 

_Yes, take my modesty while you are at it too. Why not?_

Mechanically, her arms pulled her loose gown and dropped it to the floor. Ryder heard one of the medical staff gasped, no doubt at the scars she had picked up. Absently she wondered which was the most impressive. Personally she put money on the one on her collarbone, perhaps the one on her thigh, though implant over her heart was pretty good too. 

Ryder stood naked as the day she was born. She knew there was probably a good reason for this, like bacteria contamination or something but for that one moment she hated everything. She hated the uncomfortable silence, their shocked looks and their staring eyes. As quickly as the anger came, it banked. _My sins, my burden, my penitence._

The nurse reached out to guide her onto the bed. The moment her gloved hands touched Ryder’s bare skin, it was like she had broke a spell. One moment she was standing naked, the next she was lying on the operating table. A drape was quickly pulled over her bare skin. The paper like material scratched across her body before the nurse deemed it properly done. Ryder had only the view of the ceiling while the team bustled about her. The nurse’s head came into view. The rubber oxygen mask was placed over her nose and mouth. "Take deep breaths."

Ryder did as instructed as the nurse kept a hand down on the mask. She could hear Harry narrating the nurses’ action to her. In a way his voice gave her comfort, his continuous commentary provided context on what’s being done to her. She felt a sharp sting on her left arm. 

"That was the cannula going in,” Harry said. “They are administering a sedative to help you relax.”

She felt a cold rush as the drape just over her chest was pulled down as they attached electrodes to her chest. The ECG monitor began to beep along with her heart. For once, the beeping wasn’t an irritant to her ears. It was lulling her to a relaxed state until the surgeon’s voice broken in. 

“Get her catheterised. We have a timetable to follow,” he said. 

Ryder felt someone repositioned her legs and pulled the drape up, exposing her from the hips downwards. She stiffened as soon as she realised what was happening. The monitor betrayed her by beeping faster. She almost jerked her hand away when she felt someone lacing their fingers into hers. 

"Ryder, close your eyes. Relax.” Lexi said soothingly. 

A cold sensation bushed against her labia before latex gloved fingers started to probe and prod. She tightened her grip on Lexi’s hand, a whimper escaped her lips. “It’s ok, it’s ok. I’m here,” Lexi said. 

Lexi turned and jerked her head at someone outside of Ryder’s field of vision. Soon after, a strange burning sensation came rushing up her arm via the cannula. Darkness started to gather at the edge of her vision. The sounds of the operation theatre grew muffled and the last thing Ryder felt was surgical tape sealing her eyes shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Now, three.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons


	23. Harebrained Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She blinked. For a moment, fear seized her heart. _Did I lose time again?_ Then her memory came flooding back. Ryder winced as she brought a hand up to touch her head. Her fingers brushed against the bandage around her head. _It’s done. I’m not a Pathfinder. Pa, what do you think about that? Your daughter lasted only two years on the job and ended up as a crazy murderer._
> 
> She opened her eyes, the world still a vague blur. Ryder tried to turn her head but the motion made the world spin. She groaned and tried to remove the oxygen mask over her face. A figure on her left bent over her and grabbed onto that errant hand. She blinked rapidly to clear her vision. For a moment, Ryder enjoyed the kind touch on her arm. Then her world shifted and she fell into darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part is complete, Ryder is completed undone. The second part begins here. 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos!

Scott paced. The cargo hold wasn’t big enough to contain him and the ache his heart felt. His baby sister was being cut into at this very moment and there was nothing he could do about it. Then, she would be locked up for life! Life! 

Drack came stomping into the cargo bay. The krogan was muttering a continuous string of curses that his translator glitched on. Scott figured it must have been curses in a krogan dialect. “Scott,” Drack rumbled in his direction. “What’s the plan?”

“What plan?” Scott asked genuinely puzzled. 

“The plan to get your sister out,” he huffed. “What other plan would that be?”

“Are you suggesting we break her out?”

Drack stared at him as if he was a slow witted child. “Yes!” the krogan shouted finally. “Are you sure you are related to our Pathfinder?”

“Yes! Damnit, Drack can you speak plainly or not?” Scott asked his patience in tatters and the anxiety over his sister’s predicament getting the better of him.

Drack sat down heavily on the floor, his back against the Nomad. Scott joined him. “Do you believe the kid is guilty?”

Drack used “the kid” like it was a title to be bestowed. There was no other “kid” other than his sister on the Tempest. Sara had wrote to him about the strange stories that Drack told her, the various tips and tricks of battle, the krogan curses he taught her and everything in between. In many ways, Drack was her surrogate father and grandfather rolled into one. 

Scott knew Sara’s relationship with their father had always been strained since they were kids. Their father had always favoured him. Though he wasn’t the one gifted with biotics or had an aptitude in all things soldiery. Still their father paid more attention to him. Scott knew he wasn’t that bad but compared to Sara, he could barely keep up at times. It had even out some as they grew older but Scott knew Sara was by far more their father’s daughter than he was their father’s son. Still, she never did get the same pat on the head for a job well done even when she was doing things better, faster. 

Maybe it was what spurred her on, to constantly live up to some invisible yardstick their father had set for her. Was it favouritism or an ultra-traditional preference for boys over girls? Scott didn’t know but he knew when it broke for Sara. It was their 14th year, she just stopped trying. Sara grew rebellious in a way that’s very different compared to regular teenagers. Regular teenagers were not trained by an N7 and a biotic to boot. Her skills got her into a lot of trouble in school. Something happened, Scott wasn’t quite sure what but whatever it was, Sara just gave up on trying. She enlisted as soon as she could at Ma’s suggestion. Maybe Sara just wanted out of the house, maybe she’s just off spreading her wings with people who didn’t just look at her but actually see her. Pa and Sara’s relationship never really recovered since, even after Ma’s apparent death. 

Scott didn’t know what Sara really thought about taking on the burden their father had laid across her shoulders. Did she wondered if their father had rather she was the one in a coma? Did she resent the job? Scott sighed. They were all either of them had left. They had to look out for each other. And there was nothing he could do to keep his baby sister out of jail. Scott hated himself for even having to think about it. _Sara is my sister for gods’ sake! There’s no question I should be on her side but that vid…_

Scott grunted and rubbed his face. “Drack, you really do look out for Sara.” 

Drack’s brow ridges drew together with a creak. “Of course I do! What sort of question is that? Are you trying to pick a fight with me? And you didn’t answer my question!”

Scott blinked. _What was the question?_ He didn’t think Drack would react well if he asked. 

“Do you think she is guilty?” Drack repeated, his cat-like pupils narrowing further. 

“No.” Scott replied. “But the vid…”

“What does your gut tell you?” Drack asked, poking a sharp claw against his belly. 

She was innocent, he was sure of it but the vid was irrefutable evidence. Scott wasn’t an irrational person by nature but his gut just told him she was innocent. “She is innocent. I don’t know how or why but that’s what my gut tells me.”

“That’s what mine says too,” Drack replied. “So if she is innocent, we can’t just let her get sent to jail.”

“What are you proposing?”

Scott and Drack put their heads together and hatched a plan. Scott was adamant Cora and the rest be kept out of it. He was ready to handle the consequences, the others need not get wrapped in their harebrained idea but they would need an insider man for the job. Drack told him not to worry, he would handle that part but they would have to move and soon. 

For a moment, Scott wondered if Sara wanted to be rescued. Knowing his baby sister, she would want nothing of that sort. She would stay stoically where she was, taking on guilt and responsibility that didn’t belonged to her. 

* * *

Lexi checked the monitors next to the sleeping form on the bed. Beeps and hisses were the only sound in the room. Ryder almost looked like she was asleep if wasn’t for the heavy bandage around her head. Lexi stared at the orange glow of the omni cuff securing Ryder’s right hand to the bed. 

She remembered arguing against the cuff. Lexi had never wanted to fling her biotics at another person as badly as she did then. “She is unconscious why is there even a need to cuff her?”

“Doctor, this is protocol for prisoners held outside of prison,” Ryder’s APEX guard said, in an even tone. 

The calm and professional attitude the APEX soldier had somehow infuriated Lexi even more. _Why isn’t he more distressed? Why doesn’t the entire situation affect him more?_ “It’s either this or a pair of armed guards watching her around the clock, Doctor,” he said. “I think she would prefer waking up to a friendly face and not her guards.”

She took a deep breath, realising the guard was providing Ryder what considerations he could within his duty. Lexi nodded curtly, not able to offer anything more to the guard. 

She knew she didn’t have much time. She wanted to be there when Ryder woke up. Tann probably had a doctor willing to sign off on the second procedure waiting in the wings if Lexi or Harry weren’t around to stop it. Harry had agreed to take the first watch while Lexi returned to the Tempest to clean up and rest a little. 

The moment she returned to the Tempest, Drack waylaid her. Her eyes widened as he laid his plans out. “What the hell are you thinking?” she asked, she had no patience left to deal with this. 

She had spent hours on the Nexus watching Ryder, guarding her all through the surgery. It had taken a toll on her mental reserves. “Lex,” Drack rumbled, “I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to take in now. I should have asked how you are doing instead.”

Drack’s powerful arms wrapped Lexi in an embrace and the weight Lexi had been carrying slipped off her shoulders. She moulded her form against his hard armour. Drack gently dragged a claw over her crest. The tactile feel of his claw on her crest sent a shiver down her spine. Closing her eyes, she let out a sob. The emotions of the past week just came loose in Drack’s embrace. It’s her one safe harbour where she allowed herself to be taken care of. 

Drack held onto Lexi, cradling her gently. He whispered assurances into her ear, soothing her with what was effectively a head massage. Finally when her tears dried, her voice under control once more, she asked, “So what is this plan you are talking about?” 

* * *

She blinked. For a moment, fear seized her heart. _Did I lose time again?_ Then her memory came flooding back. Ryder winced as she brought a hand up to touch her head. Her fingers brushed against the bandage around her head. _It’s done. I’m not a Pathfinder. Pa, what do you think about that? Your daughter lasted only two years on the job and ended up as a crazy murderer._

She opened her eyes, the world still a vague blur. Ryder tried to turn her head but the motion made the world spin. She groaned and tried to remove the oxygen mask over her face. A figure on her left bent over her and grabbed onto that errant hand. She blinked rapidly to clear her vision. For a moment, Ryder enjoyed the kind touch on her arm. Then her world shifted and she fell into darkness. 

The darkness felt familiar. This wasn’t the darkness of unconsciousness, or death. This was the dark world of a meld. Ryder looked around unsure what was going on. Unlike her experience with T’vera, this was a gentle caress of minds touching. A familiar blue figure approached her in the distance, Ryder realised it was Lexi. 

“What’s going on?” Ryder asked. “Are we melding?”

Lexi nodded. “I’m sorry for not asking for permission before doing this but this is the only way we can communicate without alerting everyone you’re awake.”

Ryder looked around. This wasn’t how it was with T’vera. The meld with her boss was just a black void where she stood alone as sensations ebb and flow like waves on a beach. The world was still black here but she could see Lexi, touch and talk to her. If T’vera’s meld was professional and workman-like, Lexi’s was tender and careful. “So why are we keeping everyone from knowing I am awake?” Ryder asked carefully. 

“Tann would probably get another doctor in to certify you are ready for the second procedure. It’s not only reckless but also dangerous.”

Ryder shrugged. She was completely at the mercy of Tann. There was nothing much she could do. “You can’t protect me forever, Lexi,” she replied. “I imagine Tann would be sending the Tempest out for a mission soon.”

Maybe it was because of the meld, or maybe Ryder just didn’t have any defences left. The emotions she hadn’t had time to process before came crashing down. Ryder hunched her shoulders as a sob shook her. Her lips trembled as she squeezed her eyes shut. Her voice a ragged edge as she wailed. Lexi had never seen Ryder like that. Her mask might slip from time to time under stress but it was never completely torn apart. 

Ryder’s body shook as each sob tore through her throat. Tears pricked Lexi’s eyes again. She pulled Ryder into an embrace and the younger human held on tightly. “Even now, I can’t cry,” Ryder said between her hitching breaths. “There must have something seriously wrong with me, Lexi.”

Lexi’s clinical mind clicked into gear. Before she could investigate, Ryder said, “I don’t think I am safe to be around. It’s only a matter of time I lose myself completely. Will jail be enough to hold me?”

“Ryder, no. Don’t talk like that. We need time to find out what’s wrong with you. Tann is not going to allow it if you’re in jail. He will never permit it. He would consider it a problem solved, swept under the rug,” Lexi said, pushing Ryder an arm’s length away so that she can peer at her face. “There is only one way we can get you healed.”

Lexi sighed. “It’s time we protect you. Drack and Scott has a plan. They need more time to get things together. I will do my best to delay the second procedure. You’re obviously not ready for anything more. I’m going to sedate you so it doesn’t rouse anyone’s suspicions,” she said. “I’ll do my best to get information to you when we are ready.”

Just like that the meld was over. Ryder blinked, the information swirling around in her head. _Jail break? Is this what it has come to?_ The thought of imprisonment made her skin crawl. Ryder didn’t think she would survive jail, all alone in a cell because she was too dangerous to house with anyone else. Armed guards and her mind as her only companions and nightly visits from the faceless man. 

Ryder jerked her right arm and realised it was cuffed to the bed. She settled for lifting her left instead but found the IV tugged painfully with her motions. Ryder let her arm fall back to the bed. It was all too much to process. She turned to Lexi who had a syringe out. Ryder nodded once. Lexi inserted the syringe into the IV port on her hand. A different kind of darkness swallowed her up. 

* * *

Lexi disposed of the syringe quickly in the bin and pocketed the bottle of sedatives. It was lucky she acted as quickly as she did. Not a moment later, the turian surgeon entered. He frowned when he saw Lexi in the room. “Dr. T’Perro, I thought you would have already returned to the Tempest,” he said. 

“Dr. Vician, she is my charge. There is no way I will leave her to your tender mercies,” Lexi replied. 

Vician’s mandibles spread wide in a forced smile. He turned to the monitors around Ryder’s sleeping form. “Strange, the anaesthetic should have wore off by now,” he remarked. 

Lexi kept her mouth shut and moved out of the way. She crossed her arms and watched him like a hawk. Vician exited the room once he was satisfied, or maybe to report to his true boss. Lexi didn’t know and she couldn’t care less. Harry couldn’t stay. He had to return with the frigates to Meridian. Ryder was still under when he came to take his leave. “Lexi, she’s in your hands now,” he said. “I’ll do what I can from Meridian. There must be some way to diagnose what she has. Once we figure it out, we can work on a treatment for her.”

Lexi nodded and clasped her hand over his in the human gesture of a hand shake. The next day Ryder woke up. Vician was back, his keen eyes evaluating Ryder under Lexi’s watchful gaze. He tsked before finally announcing Ryder wasn’t ready. Vician promised to be back the next day before he left. The medical officer still came four times a day with the biotics inhibitor.

Drack and Scott told her the plan was in place all that’s left was to execute it. However to avoid finger pointing by Tann and making things worse for Cora and the rest, Ryder had to carry out the plan without help from anyone else. Lexi knew Ryder was far from ready to move under her own power. She told the pair as much. SAM might have been able to suppress Ryder’s pain without painkillers but without the implant Ryder had to bear it all on her own. 

Four days after the surgery, the orders to investigate a new Remnant site on Voeld came. Lexi knew this was now or never. She melded with Ryder and provided her with the details. “I won’t be here tomorrow when you wake up,” she said. 

Ryder nodded, rubbing the bandage on her head in the meld world. “Stop that,” she said. 

Lexi enveloped her Pathfinder in her arms. “We’ll be in touch soon. Hang in there,” she said. 

* * *

It was late. Lexi had left. Ryder was still hooked up to all the machines. She had not seen the kind nurse since the surgery. Ryder hoped nothing bad was going to happen to her just because she decided to be kind. Thoughts were swirling around in her head. She hadn’t really decided if she wanted to go through with the plan. 

The plan essentially wasn’t complicated but it was just hard to actually execute. Something flickered at the edge of her vision. She scowled and focused her attention on the corner of her darkened room. Light from under the door was the main source of illumination, other than the orange glow of her cuff. Ryder blinked rapidly to clear her vision. The flickering started to solidify into a figure. She jerked away from it. Eyes wide, her mouth ajar, Ryder felt her blood ran cold.

_I must really be going crazy._

In the corner of the room stood her father, in his full N7 armour, pistol by his side and rifle on his back. He leaned against the wall relaxed with his arms by his sides. He looked exactly how she remembered him. Grey hair and full bread, sharp eyes that missed nothing. It was those same eyes that Ryder always felt looked at her and found her wanting. She gritted her teeth and pushed the feelings of inferiority aside. She was over that, she was no longer the child that needed her father’s approval to function. She knew who she was, what she was capable of. 

Ryder levered herself into a sitting position as she attempted to get away. Childishly, she drew her legs up as if it was any defence against ghosts. Ryder swallowed, eyeing the spectre in her room. Maybe she should go through with the plan, she was obviously crazy, people around her would be safer if she wasn’t housed in the seat of Milky Way political power. Her father pushed off from the wall and walked towards her. _Fuck. What does he want?_

He stood at the foot of her bed and jerked his thumb at the door. Ryder blinked. _What the fuck, is this a game of charades with my dead father?_ Right on cue, the door opened. It was Needles. She was here with another syringe, another dose. Vaguely, Ryder wondered if the woman ever slept since it was always Needles all the fucking time. Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched her father walked behind Needles. The look in his eyes was of a predator stalking a prey. 

Her father looked at her pointedly as if saying “If you are going to make a move, you should do it now.”

She didn’t really decide, not really. Her body moved faster than her thought could actually process the decision. Needles approached with the syringe relaxed. She had been lulled into a sense of familiarity since Ryder had provided no resistance after coming to the medical wing. She even turned the back of her neck to Needles, pulling her hair out of the way with her free hand. 

Right handed people tend to assume that everyone was the same. Cuffing her dominant hand might have caused her a slight problem but no, she had her left arm free. As Needles approached, Ryder timed it just right. Ryder’s elbow connected with the side of Needles’ head. She sagged, dazed from the blow. She had made sure not to hit too hard but the frustration with Needles made it hard to control her strength. 

Her arm wrapped around Needles’ neck just as she started to sag to the floor. Overextending her right arm, she managed to snag her before Needles fell completely out of her reach. Needles clawed at her arm as Ryder tightened her grip around Needles’ neck. “Unlock my cuff,” she hissed, the threat of death was implied. 

Needles struggled harder but Ryder twisted around and locked her legs around her. “Unlock it.”

For a second, their eyes met. Needles’ eyes were an inferno of fury and rage. Then, like a switch that was flipped, it the anger was gone. Ryder felt Needles gave up as she brought the omni tool up. The cuff disengaged. Ryder maintained her grip on Needles but she put her right hand over Needles’ mouth. She got up from the bed for the first time in days. Her legs wobbled a little and a tug on her arm reminded her she was still tethered to the bed. “Do you want to do it the hard way or the easy way?” Ryder asked. “Nod once for hard, twice for easy.”

Needles nodded twice frantically. “Good choice,” Ryder said. “Remove the IV from my arm.”

Needles worked as quickly as she could while still being restrained. Ryder glanced around the room, her father was still standing at the foot of the bed, his eyes starring at her as if this was a test and he was evaluating her. Her father jerked his head towards a vial Lexi had left her. “Get that vial.”

She complied. “Do you have a new syringe?” Ryder asked. 

Needles shook her head. “Dump the shit out of your syringe. Fill it with this,” Ryder said indicating the vial. 

Needles’ hands shook as she filled it. “What are you going to do?” she asked. 

“No talking. I’ll do the talking here. Done?”

Needles nodded. “Inject into yourself,” Ryder growled. 

“What is that?” she asked, her voice wavering. “Please don’t make me.”

“Shut up, if you’re having trouble with instructions, I can give it to you at the base of your neck.”

Needles balked. Ryder tightened her grip around her neck again with grim satisfaction. “Hard way or the easy way?” Ryder whispered into her ear. “Choose quickly.”

As an answer, Needles jabbed the syringe into her own arm. Ryder helped by depressing the plunger. Within minutes, the officer sagged like dead weight. Ryder let go and allowed her to fall to the floor with a thud. She turned and found her father nodding at her with approval. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Now, three.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons


	24. Exits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she strode off the docks, her father kept pace with her. His eyes trained forward, not looking at her. Ryder wondered her brain had conjured him up because she was seeking judgement from her harshest critic - self punishment and all that. Her head hammered and all thoughts but her mission fled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! It's life fuel for writers! :)  
> Anyway that's the last chapter for a while, till I get back from my holiday. You can expect the next update to drop 30th Dec.
> 
>  
> 
> **One section in this chapter is directly inspired and then adapted from The Adventure Zone Podcast.**

Ryder stripped the unconscious Needles and dressed in her clothes. She was a taller woman than Ryder and the clothes didn’t fit well. _Beggers can’t be choosers._ Ryder was careful to lay the medical officer on her bed and transfer the wireless electrodes to her. She didn’t want an zealous nurse to come stumbling in because her charge just flatlined or something. 

Ryder sighed. This was the part she was dreading. She had to remove her omni tool implant. These implants were keyed to the user’s DNA. Leaving with it embedded in her arm would make her easy to track. It would just be plain stupid and Ryder couldn’t afford stupid. She was already beyond the point of no return. Her private little room was empty, there was no way they were going to leave convenient little scalpels around for the crazy biotic to grab. _That’ll be too easy. No, we have to make it hard._

On a whim, Ryder shoved her hands into the pockets of her stolen clothes. _Bingo, box cutters!_ She torn strips from her bedsheets and laid them out within arm’s reach. Ryder wiped her right arm down with the antiseptic swab meant for the back of her neck. The blade of the box cutter extended with its usual click-click-click. The sound set Ryder’s teeth on edge. She sucked in a deep breath through her teeth and sliced her skin open. Blood welled up instantly. It took a little work to locate the tiny implant and push it out of her skin. As soon as she got it out, Ryder worn strips of bedsheet around her wound to staunch the bleeding with her bloody hand. She hissed but made sure to tighten the makeshift bandages properly before pulling the sleeve down. 

Ryder glanced at the mirror, her hair was a problem. No sane person would have hair like that and that bandage would be a dead giveaway. Ryder’s head felt sore but she still had the wonderful painkillers coursing through her veins. She didn’t think it would feel as great once the painkillers wore off. Oddly she was starting to miss her IV. It was lucky that Needles was wearing a jacket with a hood. Ryder removed the heavy bandages around her head and left the small one covering the incision site. She pulled the hood up and walked right out of the medical wing. Nobody thought to stop her. 

_No need for blazing guns or a biotic light show. Somebody’s going to get into trouble tomorrow._

If she remembered correctly, she had to pick up a change of clothes at a dead drop Scott had set up. It was still the night cycle on the Nexus but this was a station. There were still parts that just didn’t sleep and Vortex was one of them. By the time she got to Vortex her head was pounding. _This is no way to recover from brain surgery._ She realised she had totally forgotten about the dead spectre following her around. Ryder cast a surreptitious look around her. The ghost was gone. She grunted and made her way to the dead drop, which happened to be a public toilet. She didn’t want to think about her father’s ghost now, ever if she could help it. 

Ryder sat down on the seat and found a change of clothes along, an omni tool as well as a credit chit. The omni tool was one of those cheaper cuff models not the implant types that she had just extracted from her arm. It’s the equivalent to burner phones of old. Ryder immediately pulled on the omni tool and turned off all location services. She chuckled when she realised someone had loaded all her music in. Whoever it was, Ryder silently thanked them. Next, she scanned the credit chit with her brand spanking new omni tool. There wasn’t much there but she remembered they had arranged passage for her on a shuttle. It would wait for her at the docks until she boarded or a week had lapsed whichever came earlier. 

Ryder sat in the public toilet stall, thinking. On one hand she could follow the plan and head for the shuttle that would take her Elaaden. What the plan was after reaching Elaaden was a mystery. _Was Morda in on the plan? Wouldn’t that put the tenuous relations between the korgans and the Nexus in jeopardy, regardless Morda was in on it or not?_

Ryder sighed and winced. The effects of her painkillers fading and her head was sending stabs of pain to her eyes from the inside. Ryder considered her alternatives. She could just disappeared on her own, nobody needed to know where she went. _No knowledge means no secrets kept means no evidence means nobody is really in trouble._

She closed her eyes and weighed the pros and cons as if it was a mission she was running. Time seemed to slow as her world narrowed to her pounding head, her breaths and her thoughts. When she opened her eyes next, her mind was made up. 

Ryder checked the clothes they had packed for her. These fit way better and she recognised almost all of them. They were taken from her wardrobe but chosen with an eye for blending in. Ryder kept Needles’ jacket and trashed the rest. Scott or whoever had packed for her had overpacked. She pulled on her black tank top and a pair of jeans and dumped the rest. Where she was going, the less baggage she had the better. 

Pressinh her hands against the sink, a wave of vertigo rocked her. Ryder clamped her teeth shut tightly. trying to keep a lid on her stomach contents. Deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth as she rode out the wave. After it passed, Ryder attempted to pull on her biotics. She managed a meagre little flare. Having been dosed with inhibitors for the better part of half a month didn’t do any favours for her biotics. Hopefully it would be enough for her purpose. Stuffing her hands into the jacket, she left Vortex.

The docks was still busy at this hour of the day. Ships were still coming and going at all hours. This part of the docks were for the smaller ships and shuttles, there wasn’t a berth the Tempest could fit in here. Locating the correct berth was easy enough. It was the only ship docked in the area. She boarded the shuttle like she owned it. 

There was a krogan dozing in the pilot’s chair. That she assumed was the captain since there wasn’t anyone else. She put a little oomph into her kick to the pilot chair by juicing it with a little biotics. The krogan snorted and jerked awake. “So, are you the passenger?” he asked as soon as he spotted her. 

The krogan was a pale tan all over, a very odd colouring for a krogan. His cowl was massive but cracked in multiple places. It looked painful to Ryder. She paced the tiny bridge as if dissatisfied. “This is the shuttle they chartered for me?” she asked incredulously. “They couldn’t do better?”

The krogan drew himself to his full height and towered over Ryder. She knew better than to show fear, instead she sneered, “I demand a full refund. I will not be taking your shuttle anywhere.”

The krogan’s brow ridges clashed together. “This wasn’t the deal,” he said flatly. 

Ryder cast an eye around the bridge looking for something small enough that she could manipulate with ease and yet look impressive enough. She settled her eye on the krogan finally. 

Blue flames flared to life around Ryder, with a gesture she Pulled the krogan off his feet. Inwardly she was gritting her teeth to maintain the stasis, outwardly she was the picture of calm and serenity. Ryder looked for all the world like an asari biotic power house. 

“What the quad are you doing human?”

“Listen…” Ryder said as she took two steps towards the krogan as he hung upside down in the air. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“Nakmor Dartmoor.”

“Dartmoor,” Ryder said, her face now just centimetres away from the krogan’s upside down face. “I have a preposition for you. I’m sure you’ll find it extremely agreeable.”

Dartmoor didn’t answer he just bared his teeth at Ryder. “Don’t be like that,” she said sweetly. “You haven’t even hear me out.”

He remained silent, eyes narrowing. Ryder took it as her cue to carry on. “You don’t have to give me a full refund, just 90%. Call it a cancellation fee if you want. You’re free to take on another job after we’re done.”

“90?” Dartmoor roared, his laughter loud in the tiny shuttle. 

“50,” he countered.

Ryder knew she had him hooked, it’s all a matter of haggling. In the end they settled at 75. Dartmoor slapped a hand against Ryder’s shoulder. “Girl, you got quad!” he said as he handed her the credit chit. 

Ryder just grunted. That little display had left her exhausted. She forced an easy smile to her lips. With a quick swipe, she snatched the chit out of Dartmoor’s claws. “Pleasure doing business with you,” she tossed over her shoulders as she left. 

She heard Dartmoor muttered under her breath as she left, “Well shit, what the quad am I going to tell Drack?”

Following the plan Scott and Drack had laid out would make things too predictable, too easy to track. She had no doubts when her disappearance was discovered, Tann would scream his head off for an investigation of the entire crew. Ryder couldn’t do this to them not when Cora had just taken over. She would be hard pressed surviving the coming onslaught of questions and finger pointing let alone having actual evidence pointing back to them. Wherever Drack had intended to stash her on Elaaden wouldn’t guarantee the people there safe from her. It’s better for everyone involved if she just disappeared. 

As she strode off the docks, her father kept pace with her. His eyes trained forward, not looking at her. Ryder wondered her brain had conjured him up because she was seeking judgement from her harshest critic - self punishment and all that. Her head hammered and all thoughts but her mission fled.

With her extra credits she had some shopping to do. Ryder made her way to one of those seedier shops that didn’t seem to had any customers but managed to keep the lights on anyway. Privately she always thought these shops were just fronts for credit laundering organisations. Ryder shrugged. It’s perfect for her purposes now. 

“A brand new omni tool, one of those cuff models. An ear piece to go with it,” she said as she pulled the old one from her arm. 

Within minutes she left the shop with a new omni tool on her arm. Her music transferred over. Next stop was the transit docks, she took care to pull the hood over her face as she purchased the first shuttle out. The destination didn’t matter. She just needed distance between her and the Nexus. 

Ryder wiped the old omni tool before tossing it into the recycler as she boarded the shuttle. Ryder settled down in the cramped dinky little shuttle. It’s actually really similar to Dartmoor’s except she was sharing space with a dozen others. She sat shoulder to shoulder between a turian and a krogan in a row of three. It was far from comfortable but what fugitive expect to escape the law in comfort? She put the ear piece into her ear and cued up her music. Her head throbbed in time with her music.

_The one who left he knew it then_

_And he would never doubt again_

_He loved this life, he loved his friend_

_But he'd keep running 'til the end_

_All words they said hovered above_

_All of the pain, all of the love_

_They hugged goodbye_

_And in his room, he sang real quiet to the moon_

The shuttle rumbled as the mass effect core came alive. She felt her body pushed into the crash seat painfully so. The elbow of the turian dug deeply into her ribs while the krogan’s heavy armour pressed again her shoulder. Vaguely she wondered if the shuttle even had any inertial dampeners. The shuttle banked and looped around the Nexus’ gravity pull to pick up speed. Ryder kept her eye on the window as the Nexus grew smaller and smaller in the distance. 

* * *

Scott was on the Tempest somewhere between Voeld and the Nexus. He checked his omni tool for the 16th time in as many minutes. There was no reply from his baby sister. He had been pinging her on the omni tool he had provided. Every single one of his messages bounced. 

Anxious fear gripped him. _Was she caught? Did the omni tool malfunction? Or did the shuttle pilot recognised her and gave her up to Nexus security?_

“Hell’s bells, Sara where are you?”

He was holed up in the bio lab while Cora was busy planning the upcoming mission. Scott could barely keep his anxiety from Cora. He knew she knew something was up but Cora was choosing not to ask about it. Not yet in any case.

“SAM, what’s the latest news on the Nexus?” he asked, figuring an escaped criminal would make the news. 

“The latest headlines today are: Sara Ryder - Hero or Villain? The Fallen Pathfinder - Sara Ryder, Rising tensions between Angaras and Humans, Another outpost hacked, 16 dead.”

Scott sighed. There was nothing that indicate that Sara’s escape was successful. “Thanks SAM.”

It was two days with no news one way or the other. _Is this what it is like every time Sara had to step out into the unknown? I don’t know how she does it. My heart can’t take this stress._ Then, the wait was over. Scott was hunched over the terminal in the bio lab, scrolling past article after article about Sara. The articles were at best painting her as a kid that cracked too much pressure, at worse condemning her as the angel of death. The door slid open without warning. Scott looked up and saw Drack entering. 

“Anything?”

Drack shook his head. “I can’t get in contact with Dartmoor. The fool is ignoring my comms. I’m going to kill him when I see him!”

he growled, his claws scoring the table he had his hand on. 

“Hey, maybe she’s fine. Maybe she’s just being careful. Maybe she didn’t get a chance to pick up the dead drop but she made it off the Nexus ok,” Scott said soothingly, not believing a single word he was saying.

Obviously that wasn’t the right tack to take with Drack. His claws bit into the table deeper. “Come on, the table’s innocent stop torturing it.” 

Drack shot him a glare and Scott shrank back slightly. _How does Sara deal with this guy?_

Scott was expecting Drack to take his frustration out violently on him instead Drack just slammed his fist against the table and left. Scott let out a breath he held explosively. _Sara, where the fuck are you?_

Then Cora’s voice came over the comms. “The Voeld mission is cancelled. We are heading back to the Nexus. Tann has summoned us.”

* * *

People drifted in and out of everyone’s lives. It was all a part of being alive. These departures were not all made equal. Some were sweet and satisfying, others abrupt and violent but most were just ordinary. Ryder’s was anything but.

Ryder’s exit left a different kind of hole in everyone on the Tempest. Gil missed their late night poker sessions. Suvi missed their conversations about religions and gods. Kallo missed sharing gossip about the crew and stories about the Tempest’s construction. Peebee missed their zero-G relaxation sessions, their shared interest in the Remnant and what made them ticked. Their wounds bled but in time the pain dulled, each of them learnt to work around the hole. 

But for the others, her exit left something a little different. 

Lexi missed Ryder. She was afraid Ryder wouldn’t know how to take care of herself. She had seen Ryder pushed herself further and harder time after time. Now, alone and by herself, Ryder might be out there somewhere hurt and still pressing on. Lexi blamed herself for not paying enough attention to Ryder. She was sure she’ll be able to prevent everything, something, anything. 

Drack missed the kid intensely. She was always there to poke fun at him and his grumpiness. She fought like hell for the krogans. The kid had the makings of a true battlemaster. Drack couldn’t help but felt he had let her down. Lexi’s own pain over this made Drack felt doubly helpless. 

Cora refused to move into the Pathfinder’s quarters. It felt wrong to her. She felt like an usurper. Cora remembered the hurt and confusion at being passed over the first time. There were times during the early days, she thought how she would do things differently. Every little misstep or failure on Ryder’s part was nitpicked to bits in her head. The guilt that Ryder had forgiven so long ago was all coming back to her now that she was shouldering the same mantle. _No, not the same. Ryder had left me a bigger legacy than Alec did._

Cora regretted every single opportunity she didn’t take to support Ryder then. She missed their training sessions, it was during those sessions she saw Ryder’s walls coming down. The walls that propped Ryder up so much during the early days and she just didn’t function without them since. Cora missed Ryder’s curiosity about her commando missions. She missed Ryder’s ease dealing with people. Cora just missed her Pathfinder.

Scott missed his baby sister most intensely. Coming on board as Cora’s second helped for a bit, but it still felt wrong. Being on board the Tempest and not seeing his baby sister in the galley eating, training in the cargo bay, arms resting on the railing as she stared out into space on the bridge was wrong. He didn’t know if the plan fell apart, making her improvise or Tann had basically murdered her and hidden the body. No, he couldn’t bring himself to believe his sister was dead, not dead, never dead. Scott was sure he would feel it if she was dead. His baby sister was just lost and hidden gods knew where. She wasn’t there to poke fun at his shitty attempts at comforting Cora, she wasn’t there for him to tease her awkward attempts at flirting with Jaal. Scott felt her absence keenly. He was all that’s left of the Ryder clan. His twin was gone. 

Finally Jaal, nobody knew what kind of hole Ryder’s departure had left on him. The angara had disappeared as throughly from their lives as Ryder did. He resigned from the Tempest before the hearing, before the Tempest even left Meridian. He returned to Aya with the Moshae and he was no longer part of the Pathfinder team. 

Everyone on board the Tempest had to try and close ranks around their new Pathfinder and find a way to move forward. Their mission hadn’t changed, they still had a job to do. It was a month since Ryder disappeared. 

* * *

By the time Ryder set foot on Kadara, she looked radically different. Her brown crazy hair was trimmed short, chin length and dyed the deepest black. All the better to blend in. The side that was shaved was kept bare. Her original scar from the first surgery to put in the SAM implant was only a silver line that was barely visible. After the second to remove it, it had become an angry red line that spanned the entire side of her head. Somehow the scar felt like a marker of what had once been. 

She was thinner, leaner and fiercer, not to mention, utterly and totally broke. It took the last of her credits to get to Kadara. She figured she had to stop hopping around sometime and Kadara was a place for outcasts and exiles. Ryder’s lips lifted a little at the irony. 

The last time she was on Kadara she had the backing of the Nexus and her crew. Today, she had nobody watching her six and her spectre of a father dogging her every move. His eyes judging and evaluating everything she did. His lips a thin straight line hidden behind his beard. His arms usually folded in a disapproving stance that spoke of disappointment. 

Ryder stepped off the shuttle with nothing but the clothes on her back and the omni tool on her arm and the ear piece in her ear. She had lost the jacket early on in her random hop-scotching across Heleus. She wasn’t even wearing the same clothes or shoes she left Nexus with. A black form fitting tank top was overlaid with a large t-shirt, it’s print long faded. The fit of the shirt made it clear it obviously was meant for a larger person. The sleeves of the shirt ripped off, the seams fraying. The entire ensemble was was tucked haphazardly into a pair of black cargo pants that hung loosely around her hips, clinched tight with a regular belt. Finally to complete the look was a pair of black combat boots too scuffed and dull to have been new when she got it. Ryder sniffed herself and gagged a little. She stank. 

Ryder had lost time a few times while running but nowhere as spectacularly as the one on Meridian. Every time it happened, it scared her. Not just what might happened while she was gone but the bone deep weariness that came later made her vulnerable in places she couldn’t afford to. Every time she lost time, she felt the need to just go, go, go. 

Ryder sighed. She figured Kadara was the best place for a crazy biotic to hide out for a while. Besides, she needed to earn some credits before bouncing. Anyone she might hurt here was a criminal or on the way of being one or so she told herself. That line didn’t even work when she said it in her head but she was stuck here for a while. Kadara had to deal with her as much as she had to deal with it. Ryder basically just swapped a jail as big as her cell to one the size of a planet, except this jail required her to work to feed herself. 

First things first, she needed to eat. Her belly growled as her combat boots clunked down on the metal plates leaving the docks. Being a biotic was a double edged sword, it helped her secure some odd security job but it cost too much in ration bars just to be not slowly starving. Ryder took a deep breath, an acrid and dry scent assaulted her nose. _Ah, good old Kadara._

It was late here on Kadara, the sun long set. It always took a while to adjust from shuttle time to planet time on the first day, planetary jet lag was the worst. It still felt like the morning to her body and her belly was growling for breakfast. Her first stop was for food, jobs and credits would have to come after. Her legs carried her towards the thumping bass that’s coming from Kralla’s Song. _Not so much song but more of a sonic whiplash._

She muted the music that’s playing in her ear. Ryder glanced to her side. Her father was gone again but he always came back, just like her headaches. The door slid open and the thumping bass slammed into her as she walked in. She weaved through the few dancing on the floor and headed to the bar. Ryder felt naked without a weapon on Kadara. Most places she could handle herself easily enough with a display of biotics but this wasn’t most places. Kralla’s Song might have been a bad idea after all, maybe she should try finding food elsewhere. Leaning against the bar, she tapped her omni tool quickly and determined she actually had enough for one hot meal and then it was Kadara’s sand for the next meal. _One day at a time. Eat today, I’ll figure out tomorrow when it gets here._

Ryder slid into a chair at the bar. She cast an eye on the patrons. They looked like the standard crowd for Kralla’s Song, a mix of Solane’s people and regular Kadara inhabitants. Solane’s people were easy to pick out, all of them armed to the teeth. Umi came over and jerked her head at Ryder. “Hot food,” she said. 

Umi’s eyes narrowed. It wasn’t out of recognition. Most people looked but they didn’t observe. Their image of the Pathfinder, well ex-Pathfinder, was an well armoured and armed individual, fresh faced and optimistic complete with a scar-free face and ponytail. Not many would look at Ryder now and see Pathfinder, they would only see a drifter if they were kind, or a crazy ass bitch if they weren’t.

It was probably extremely uncustomary not to order drinks at a bar 

but Ryder didn’t particularly care. She had never held any fondness for alcohol. Sure, she’ll partake when the occasion called for it but it isn’t something she enjoyed for its own sake. Now, she positively hated anything that could make her lose control in any way. There was nothing she could do about her lost time but she’ll be damned if she threw what control she had left on alcohol or drugs. Ryder knew she had been lucky so far. All it took was one bad episode and the news would inevitably spread. Then, the Nexus and Kandros’ APEX teams wouldn’t be far behind. When that happened, Ryder had to disappear further and deeper. However, that’s a problem for another time. Now all Ryder wanted was to eat. 

“Are you selling or not?” she asked. 

Umi stared at her and Ryder returned the stare evenly. Finally Umi nodded and left. Just as she was about to relax, a turian and human pair swaggered up to her, one on each side. Ryder’s jaw twitched a little and she sighed. _Do I actually have trouble magnet tattooed across my forehead?_

“Hey princess, you’re new here. Join us for a drink,” the human said sliding his hand towards hers on the counter. 

“Stop,” Ryder growled, her hands balling into fists as she glared at the human. “You don’t want to do that.”

His hand stilled but his friend took as a cue to make his move. “Come on princess, we can show you a good time,” the turian purred, shifting his hip to bump into hers. 

Ryder learnt the benefits of reacting explosively and violently. It tended to set the tone of the situation well. Plus, it served as a warning to everyone else. Ryder turned her head and smiled predatorily at the turian. “I suggest you and your friend here get lost if you enjoy your faces the way they look now.”

“Princess, we’re just trying to be friendly here,” the human said, finding courage in numbers, curling his arm around her waist. 

_That did it._ Ryder saw red. Quick as a flash, she slammed the heel of her palm in a quick forceful gesture up against the human’s chin. His head snapped back. His brain slammed against the opposite side of his skull. He staggered back a couple of steps in a daze as Ryder stood and took a hold of his hair. In one smooth motion, she brought his head down against the counter, hard. His head bounced once before he crumpled to the ground, totally out cold. Ryder turned to the turian. In the seconds she dealt with his friend, the turian only had time to push away from Ryder. But she was faster. Her hands lashed out and grabbed his mandibles, one on each side of his face. Ryder had learnt pulling on them hurt and it wasn’t _that_ hard to rip them off. She had lots of practise recently but she wasn’t without mercy. Ryder only took the left one off his face. The turian keened and keened as blue blood poured down his face. 

“If you don’t want me to rip the other one off too, get your friend here and get out of my sight!” Ryder said coldly, keeping her eyes on him. 

The turian clamped his mouth shut instantly even though it obviously hurt. He picked his friend up roughly and almost sprinted to the exit. “And I am nobody’s fucking princess,” Ryder shouted after them. 

Ryder glared at every single pair of eyes pointed her way. She met every single pair and stared till they looked away. Once that’s done, she turned back to face the bar. Umi was looking at her with an odd expression, in her hand a plate of what looked like asari stew. Ryder sighed fully expected to be asked to leave and probably not very politely. 

Umi dropped the plate down in front of her unceremoniously. “On the house,” she said. 

Ryder raised an eyebrow. “I like a girl who knows how to take care of herself,” Umi said. “Care to freelance here?”

Lyrics taken from [The One Who Stayed and the One who Left by Regina Spektor](https://open.spotify.com/track/11oLP26oD9bc5G9CtvO92s)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder! Actually not three but six. BUT! three of them are technically spoilers, so you all get three for now.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons


	25. Adulting is hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrench just stared at her as if she was crazy. Ryder shouted louder, “Go! It’s not safe h-“
> 
> The familiar pain came from the back of her neck and she blinked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my holiday! We're back to the twice a week regular schedule. I'm starting off with an extra long chapter today. Mostly establishing Ryder's new life, a little bit about Jaal's reaction but still mostly Ryder. It is a story about her after all. A new art piece for the OC that's appearing this chapter. The link can be found at the end notes.

Jaal was alone with the drone camera in a small room. The Angara Nations’ flag behind him. He was glad Evfra wasn’t here, Jaal didn’t think he would be able to testify under Evfra’s scrutiny. His report to Evfra after the Moshae had stabilised was fraught. “Your mind is clouded by that human!” he shouted. 

Jaal didn’t speak. He accepted Evfra’s scalding words. He deserved it for his incompetency. Being distracted by that reporter was a rookie’s mistake through and through. He had lost his instincts as a Resistance fighter. Letting his guard down, assuming Meridian was safe, believing she was who he thought she was. Jaal gritted his teeth. 

“Are you even loyal to the angaras? Or have you deserted your roots?”

His downturned eyes flicked upwards to meet Evfra’s. This was a grave accusation to an angara. Family was everything, to desert one’s roots was to never be reborn into your family, to never better your clan. “No!” Jaal answered forcefully. 

Evfra glared at him. Neither backing down. “Don’t think this will be the end of this.” he rebuked. “You are to testify before the Leadership at the trial of Sara Ryder.”

Evfra practically spat her name, forcing the defiled name through his teeth. “You know what to do.”

Jaal nodded. “I’ll speak the truth.”

“Good.”

Next came a list of instructions, the first of which was to resign from his position on the Tempest. Thankfully, the trip back to Aya was uneventful. He spent his time on the shuttle reading article after article, watching news reel after news reel. The Bloody Blade was everywhere, there was no avoiding it. The Moshae had looked at him with pity but she didn’t stop him. 

It wasn’t enough to have his loyalty called into question, he had to testify at her trial. Jaal endured. He didn’t break his cool under Tann’s questions. Throughout the questioning, he only had audio to go by. Nobody thought to provide him with a visual link and he was grateful. Jaal wasn’t sure what he would do if he saw Ryder. The anger and sense of betrayal was still too raw for him to process. However that comfort was torn away quickly when a buzzing came through his omni tool. At first, Jaal was confused. Then a familiar voice came through.

“SAM.”

Jaal froze. It was Ryder, his darling one. _No… Not any longer. Not after what she had done._ He stabbed at his omni tool but the connection remained stubbornly live. Short of ripping the implant from his arm, Jaal had no choice but to listen in. With every passing minute, he felt more and more like a filthy spy. 

“There is no precedence to transfer Pathfinder authority when the Pathfinder isn’t dying or dead,” SAM said. 

_They’re taking the implant from Ryder._ His eyes widened. Logically, he knew Ryder’s actions would have consequences but he never really thought about what it actually meant. _She’s Pathfinder no longer._

“I can’t be fixed.”

Jaal’s heart broke. Tears pricked his eyes as he sat heavily down on the chair behind him. His hand trembled a little as wiped his face with it. _No. She’s the enemy. She… she almost killed the Moshae._

His connection remained live even when it was clear Ryder wasn’t speaking anymore. There were voices, so many voices, each speaking in turn. He flinched when Evfra called for Ryder’s life. Jaal only let his breath out explosively when an unfamiliar voice refused his demand. His emotions were an utter mess. His mind warring with his heart. By the time the connection died, he had heard every single nitty gritty detail. Brain surgery, imprisonment, solitary confinement. _Ancestors, why? Why let me know? Why are you so cruel? How did things go so wrong so fast?_

He stumbled out from the room, looking distraught. Jaal didn’t want to return to his apartment. The memory of that one perfect day still lingered there. The perfect day was now all ashes. His legs moved on their own accord, Jaal wasn’t in control. In the end, he found himself at the Moshae’s door. His hand hesitated for a moment before finally knocking. 

“Come in.”

The Moshae took one look at Jaal’s face before bridging the gap between them. Her arms opened wide as Jaal bent to sob into her shoulder. “Hush child,” she soothed. “Grief, grief for the love you once had. Cry, cry for the girl you once loved.”

Jaal’s hitched breaths were the only sound in the room. 

Days later came news of Ryder’s escape.

* * *

_It’s just cruel._

Turned out, it wasn’t that hard to get a job but Umi only needed her for the weekends when Kralla’s Song got crowded and rowdy. She’s throwing in a free dinner on the nights Ryder worked so there’s that. 

_So what the hell am I going to eat on the other days?_

One free meal for two days of the week was nice and all but that’s really no way for a biotic to live. Ryder knew she _could_ survive, making the food last, but it wasn’t going to be pleasant. She shuddered to think what would happen if she didn’t have the strength to defend herself on a place like Kadara.

_I need more credits._

There were only a few ways to make credits on Kadara. You either work for Sloane or you scavenge. There were other job opportunities like dancing at one of the clubs but Ryder didn’t think she was cut out for such work. She’ll sooner kill her clients than make them drop more credits. Working for Sloane was out of the question, even with her radically changed appearance Ryder didn’t want to take a chance. Sloane was involved in all manner of unsavoury activities. She had to draw the line somewhere. Even now, she still had _some_ standard. Beating up handsy guys at a bar was fine, outright punching shop owners for protection money tasted bitter to Ryder. So scavenging it was for Ryder. 

She had to survive the next five days before her next confirmed meal. It was a study in endurance. Scavenging was hard as she quickly learnt. The good stuff were all far from the port, Ryder had no mode of transportation. She couldn’t afford to buy one so she was tied to the port. With no equipment or ability to survive out in the badlands, she had to be able to make it back to the port by night fall. 

The scraps she managed to gather weren’t even valuable enough for anyone to actually want to buy them. Her heavy legs took her to the last place in the port to try and hawk her scraps. Instead of knocking on the door and shoving the scraps into the proprietor’s face, something else caught her eye. 

There in that dinky little workshop was a pristine sleek hover bike. The bike was mostly black with red fairings and chrome accents. That particular hover bike was small, not large and brutish like the others she had seen. It looked a tiny rocket that packed a punch under its frame. Her hand twitched involuntarily as she remembered her beloved bike she left back in the Milky Way. _Gods, I could really use a ride now. Wind on my face and all that._

“See something you like?” a gruff voice asked. 

Ryder jerked her attention from the bike. It wasn’t like her to allow herself to be distracted like this. It’s little things like this that could get her in trouble. Her father frowned at her, a look which she studiously ignored. _Yes, your failure of a daughter is lusting after a hover bike. Priorities right?_

She took in the salarian standing with her arms on her hips, wearing only a pair of dirty overalls and nothing else underneath. By Ryder’s gauge, she was definitely old. the mechanic was mostly a moss green colouring. Her two horns were slightly shrunken and no longer smooth skin like younger salarians. She had black lines marking her face that looked like an inverted Y. It stretched from her forehead and down the middle of her face before splitting into two going around her mouth in straight lines. Everything about the mechanic shouted old, almost in the grave, but her eyes were filled with a fire Ryder had seldom seen. Ryder blinked almost drawn into her eyes for a moment. 

“You made that?” she asked almost reverently. 

The salarian nodded. Ryder shook her head slightly to shake herself from the thrall of the bike. Instead she thrust the bag of scraps at the mechanic. ”Anything you might be interested in?” Ryder asked.

The salarian took a cursory glance at her scraps and just turned to head back into her shop, completely ignoring Ryder. _Well, that was clear enough._ Her stomach growled and it hurt. _Fuck, I really need to eat._ Ryder promptly dumped her scraps into the nearest recycler. Her entire day’s work earned her a mere ten credits, not enough to eat. 

By the fourth day she caved. Ryder used the credits she had left to buy a box of expired ration bars. Three months passed the eat by date wasn’t too bad. Even then, the bars weren’t an infinite supply. Ryder had taken to carry her entire load of bars around wherever she went. Sleeping on the streets meant you can’t stash food somewhere and expect it to stick around when you get back. That box was the difference between starving slowly or quickly. Ryder didn’t know which she preferred. 

By the time Saturday rolled around, working for Sloane was starting to have its appeal. _Can you eat your morals? Can your ethics feed you?_ She had added a pounding headache to her list of minor aliments. Those were things she could fix, what she couldn’t was her very own spectre hanging around. Ryder turned her head and met her father’s glare head on. He was frowning harder than ever. What he was so unhappy about she had no idea and there was probably nothing she could do. 

The night’s rest was a bust when she had another nightmare but it was close enough to dawn that it didn’t really matter. She tried to rub the image of the faceless man from her eyes. That worked well enough in the day, it’s the nights that were the issue. Her sleep had not been nightmare free since leaving the Nexus.

Ryder was leaned against the outer walls of the port. Her legs stretched out ahead of her. Though it was dangerous to be beyond the walls out so early but Ryder had taken a liking to the spot and the early hour. It’s quiet and there was nobody else to content with, well other than her own father. The pre-dawn wind picked up and Ryder shivered. _I really need a jacket or something._ Her eyes rested on the sun that’s peaking up from the horizon. _At least it’s pretty here._

By the time the sun was fully up, her stomach had gave up growling. Ryder dusted herself off and headed in. _Maybe I can bum an extra meal from Umi if I head in early._ She walked slower than usual, looking rougher than usual. By the time she reached Kralla’s Song, Umi was already there. The place was still dark with only a couple of lights on. _Was she getting ready for morning service? Did Kralla’s Song have a morning service?_ Ryder realised she had no idea. 

Umi was busy doing something, Ryder didn’t know what. She sat down on a stool and unwrapped a ration bar from her dwindling supply. The bar tasted like cardboard, slightly sour ones. The rough texture scrapped against her tongue and got stuck at the roof of her mouth. Ryder worked her tongue over the stuck piece and growled in frustration. _Even the food is fighting me._ Still, it was food. Umi popped her head up from behind the counter and glared at her. “What?” her headache getting the better of her mouth. 

“You look like shit,” Umi said. 

She shrugged. “Where have you been sleeping? You stink.”

“Here and there.”

“I can’t have you working here, smelling like that.” Umi tsked and said, “Go to the public baths and shower.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow, she never heard of a public bath here in Kadara. But then she was never this fucking broke. “Broke,” she just replied. 

“Fuck, you are more trouble than you’re worth,” Umi said. 

Ryder expected that. She wouldn’t bother with herself too. _There goes the job._

Instead, Umi tossed her a credit chit. “Get yourself and those clothes cleaned up. I want you back here as soon as you’re done.”

A chance to get clean wasn’t anything to turn her nose up at but she had a more pressing need other than staying clean. “Breakfast?”

“Goddess! Yes, fine but it’s coming out of your pay.”

Ryder almost leapt to her feet but she realised she didn’t really have the energy for it. Instead she settled for a shuffle. She left her precious bag of expired ration bars at Kralla’s. On her way out she saw the mechanic approach and entered. The salarian didn’t even looked at her. Ryder sighed. 

Tucked between a cramped dance club and a weapons stall was the public baths. The entrance dark like it was open for business. Ryder hesitated outside. Then a turian pushed passed her to enter. A pair of faux paper door covered the real ones. She followed the turian in.

Inside, Ryder realised the place was styled like a traditional Japanese bath house, with stools and low shower heads for cleaning up and a large hot tub for soaking. Her heart leapt at the thought of a good soak but Umi’s credit chit was good only for a quick shower and a quick wash of her clothes. Ryder sighed. It was still a chance to get clean. Stripping out of her clothes and dumping them into the decontamination box, Ryder took a clean towel from the rack and heading to the showers. 

The hot muggy atmosphere hit her the moment she walked in. The air was harder to breath inside as water condensed on her skin. She looked at the options available. There were a bunch of tough brushes. Those were probably for krogans and turians. Those bristles looked like it would cut a human’s skin easily. A bunch of bottles that were labelled oddly. Ryder didn’t think they looked particularly ideals for a human’s skin. Finally she settled on a bar of soap, that seemed to a universal for every species. She headed right to an empty spot at a corner. Beside her was the turian attempting her best to sit on a very human stool. It wasn’t going well. 

Ryder ignored her fellow bathers. She turned on the shower and a hot spray of water hit her skin. A display started a countdown from five minutes as soon as the water started. _Shit. No long hot showers here._ Running the bar of soap over her body, her hands worked to get the grime and dirt that accumulated from days of rough sleeping out of her skin. Her hair was next. Hot water hitting her scar helped to ease her headache a little. There was a quick beep and the water cut off. Ryder sighed as she towelled off. Her clothes were also done with the decontamination cycle. 

Ryder walked out of the bathhouse, fresh and cleaner than she was in days, maybe weeks. 

* * *

In the end, Umi and her came to an arrangement. Ryder would give Umi mornings on the weekdays and nights for the weekends. Umi would provide her with breakfasts on weekdays and dinner on weekends. Sleeping on the streets was off limits so she had taken to sleeping in the stock room at Kralla’s. It wasn’t fantastic but it’s workable and at least she made more credits and had one dependable meal a day. 

Ryder preferred working the nights. She wasn’t required to talk at all. Mostly she communicated in grunts, growls and glares. Plus, she could take out her aggression on patrons when they pissed her off. Umi didn’t seemed to mind her style though there had been way more cuts, bruises and broken bones on the clientele since her arrival. The morning sessions were ok for the most part. Other than for the fact, the workers heading out to scavenge would rather their server actually spoke to them. If she had a bad night, Ryder would be glaring her way through morning service. People were beginning to think that she was mute. The mechanic was a common fixture for the morning service not that either of them had paid much attention to each other. At least the ignoring had matured to a stoic nod as greeting. 

Two weeks into the arrangement, Umi was getting ready for morning service when she received a call. “Hey, clean up the bar for me. I need to see to something. Wrench’s coming in to check out the generator for me. Just let her in and she’ll do her thing,” Umi said as she hurried to the door. 

Umi frowned when she was properly looking at Ryder. “You look rough. Anyway I’ll see you in a bit.”

Ryder sighed, rough was right. It was one of those waking up from a nightmare to find yourself still having the nightmare shit show last night. Ryder woke up with a pounding headache and her judgemental father again. _Why doesn’t he disappear like he used to?_ Her headache was getting worse. Her eyes flicked to the corner of the empty bar. “Shut up,” she said. 

Her father didn’t reply. He just stared disapprovingly as usual. “Shut up,” Ryder repeated. “I can hear what you’re thinking. Your daughter is incapable to do anything right. I’m doing my best here, okay?”

Ryder let out a hiss of frustration as she went behind the bar. Grabbing a rag and a pail of water, she started cleaning. When the bar was clean, she tidied up the rag and pail and settled down again. The comms came alive and Ryder heard a gruff nasally voice came through. “It’s Wrench. Let me in.”

Ryder tapped her omni tool and the door unlocked. The door took a long time to open and when it did it hissed loudly. _She probably need to get someone to look at that too. What’s not falling apart on Kadara? Everything and everyone._

Wrench turned out to be a salarian, the salarian. She nodded at Ryder and just headed off into the corner to work on the generator. There was nothing else left to do unless you count having a stare down with her ghost father. Those contests he’ll always win, her eyes would dry up way faster than his. Ryder rubbed the back of her neck and somehow her headache managed to intensify. Fear seized Ryder as she realised what’s happening. She scrambled quickly behind the counter. 

_Where are the cuffs? I remember seeing them here. Where are they? Where are they? Fuck!_

Finally she found them. Ryder slipped one over one hand and activated it. Then she looked around for a likely place to cuff herself to. There were some study looking pipes just off in the corner of the back room. Ryder looked at her hands, they were starting to flare. _Fuck! Wrench’s still here._

Ryder ran into the back room where Wrench was working. She pulled her omni tool off her hand and tossed it over to Wrench. As she worked quickly to cuff herself to the pipes, she shouted. “Use the omni tool to get yourself out of here. Lock the door behind you!”

Wrench just stared at her as if she was crazy. Ryder shouted louder, “Go! It’s not safe h-“

The familiar pain came from the back of her neck and she blinked. 

* * *

Ryder groaned. Her arms felt sore as if she had been struggling against a monster for who knew how long. Opening her eyes she realised she was still cuffed to the pipes. _How long this time? Did Wrench leave? Was Umi back? Fuck, there goes my fucking job._

It was a bad episode, Ryder could tell. Her gorge raised and she emptied her stomach onto the floor. “Are you back?” 

Ryder opened one eye and looked around. Wrench was still there holding her omni tool. She groaned. “What the fuck are you still doing here?” Ryder asked. “I told you to go.”

“You’re back I see.”

Ryder just closed her eyes and leaned against the pipes. The bone deep weariness was back and now all she was good for was sleep. “Hey!” Wrench shouted. 

She just groaned in reply, then she heard Wrench tapping on something. Her cuffs disengaged and Ryder’s arms came loose. Pushing herself up with her hands, Ryder stood up and she dusted herself off. She stretched a hand out towards Wrench. The salarian cocked her head at her. “Omni tool,” Ryder clarified. 

Wrench tossed the tool back to her, Ryder immediately pulled it back onto her arm. Checking the chronometer, she realised she lost only an hour or so. Kralla’s Song was due to be open soon. _Fuck, she got to get through the morning service somehow._ Ryder yawned and trudged her way to the main room. “Are you ok?” Wrench asked warily. 

Ryder didn’t bother answering. She didn’t know which was Wrench asking about. Was she asking about her episode? Or was she asking about her current status. The answer to both was no but what’s the point of burdening the salarian with the answer. It’s not like anyone could do anything. Ryder could barely keep herself from hurting others. This was the first time any kind of measure worked. Ryder returned the cuffs where she found them. _Maybe I’ll have to look into getting a pair myself and to think it’s for kinky shit._

Ryder let out a breath through her clenched teeth as she stood. Her boot slipped and she came crashing back down behind the counter. “Fuck,” she muttered under her breath and suddenly found a pair of arms pulling her up. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Ryder asked, realising Wrench was pulling her arm over her shoulder. 

It was Wrench’s turn to ignore her questions. The salarian half drag half carried her out of Kralla’s Song, all the while ignoring Ryder’s questions. “Hey I need to get ready for morning service! Where are you taking me? Let go of me!”

All of it fell on deaf ears it seemed. Regardless, Ryder just didn’t have the strength to put up a fight, apparently she was rather helpless if someone called her on her bullshit. The lack of control galled her but she didn’t think Wrench was about to smack her on the head and rob her. She had nothing to take anyway. 

Eventually they made their way back to Wrench’s workshop. Just behind the shop front was an entire living quarters. The place was larger from the inside than it seemed on the outside. That wasn’t the surprising part. The surprising part came in a large furry package that came barreling towards Ryder and knocked her clean off her feet. At first she was scrambling away and ready to send a Shockwave in its direction. “Stop!” Wrench yelled as she picked up her namesake ready to clock Ryder on the head. 

Ryder had the wherewithal to realise the large white furry thing that’s heading towards her was harmless. She allowed the energy to dissipate as Wrench dropped the wrench. “Why the fuck do you have a husky?”

For some reason Wrench looked tired. “Long story.”

Ryder got back on her feet, the husky satisfied with its greeting ritual and was content to just walk between her legs. It’s probably a malicious attempt to kill her via tripping. Wrench opened the door to a room and the lights came on via motion sensors. “Sleep.”

“Umi.”

“I’ll handle her,” Wrench said. “Sleep, you look like shit.”

“So everyone tells me.”

The bed in the room looked too inviting. Ryder trudged in and fell face first into the bed. Within moments she was asleep, she didn’t even wake when the husky curled up next to her in the bed. Wrench watched for a little while before turning off the light and closing the door. 

* * *

She was tied up, the faceless man throwing the acid again. She screamed and opened her eyes to find herself in a cell. Her hands cuffed behind her back and a trio of men rushing her. She hunched to take the rush but nothing came, she turned and realised she was standing in front of Raeka and the Moshae. Her omni blade dripping with blood and she was laughing. She was laughing so hard her lungs burnt. She was in the room one moment and the next she was standing among charred and burning corpses on a blood soaked field. “Stop!” she shouted. “Just stop!”

It didn’t and it never did. The field was gone and she was lying on the operating room. Needles was here again with her syringe. “No!” 

Ryder jerked upright. The shout still echoing in her head. The door was flung open and Wrench came in. A pistol in hand she cleared the room professionally, not something that escaped Ryder’s notice. “Nightmare.”

Wrench nodded and left the room. A deep booming bark came from beside her. She turned and realised the dog was looking at her. Ryder patted the dog. Walking out of the room, she realised Wrench was sitting down on a sofa. The dog followed her. Ryder took the arm chair opposite Wrench. As she sat down, Wrench tossed her a ration bar. 

Ryder unwrapped the bar and started chewing, noting that this bar tasted marginally better than the expired ones she had had. She waited. Wrench didn’t speak, eating her own bar. The dog barked and looked meaningfully at her. _Should dogs even eat this? It’s not even good enough for human consumption. I think it’ll poison the dog._ Ryder shook her head at the dog and somehow it managed to look disappointed. 

“Her name is Kiba,” Wrench said. “She never take to new people that quickly. 

Ryder turned to Kiba and said, “I’m honoured.”

The salarian barked a quick short laugh. “You’re funny. What’s your name?”

Ryder just shrugged in reply. She could have just say any damn false name but it didn’t feel right. Wrench had been kind and she didn’t deserved to be repaid with lies. “That’s fine if you don’t want to tell me. I understand. People come to Kadara for many reasons and none of them good.”

Wrench leaned back into the sofa. “Everyone here is stuck one way or another. A prison of their own making. I sense you bring yours wherever you go,” Wrench said. 

Ryder looked away. Truer words were never spoken. “I just want to wake up one day and not regret it,” she whispered, her own words bitter on her tongue.

Ryder couldn’t bring her eyes to meet Wrench’s. She was afraid the salarian would see too much there. It’s bad enough she had an episode and Wrench was there to see it. Instead Ryder asked, “So do I still have a job to go back to?”

“Sure, why not,” Wrench replied. “I told Umi the generator needed more time and you were helping me. Kralla’s Song is closed for the day. The first time since it had opened.”

Ryder stood up. “Thanks for your help,” she said. “I’d appreciate it if this remains between us.”

Wrench shrugged. “You know if you need a place to crash, I have a spare room.”

Tempting as that was, Ryder shook her head and ducked out of Wrench’s workshop. She wasn’t here to make friends. She was there in Kadara to get lost, to bury herself so deep even she can’t find her way out. _Maybe it wasn’t deep enough._

She tapped her omni tool and music started playing. A blending of a clear female voice with a lower male’s. It filled her ears and provided a soundtrack as she made her way back to Umi’s.

  
_Just 'cause I predicted this_

_Doesn't make it any easier to live with_

_And what's the point of knowin' it_

_If you can't change it? You can't change, can't change it_

**Lyrics taken from[To be Human by SIA](https://open.spotify.com/track/1Quf5Hv5j6az3QavlmZiQG)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by Palavenmoons


	26. Off to the Races

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a constant ache in his chest. It wasn’t a physical pain but it’s close to it. He rubbed his hand over his torso. Everyone had given him a wide berth since his return. The usual easy banter he had with his fellow Resistance fighters were now clipped and curt. Jaal knew he couldn’t fault them but it still stung. 
> 
> He entered the mess hall and picked up a tray. The trays of food were laid out, all steaming hot and smelling so delicious. Kitchen workers cooking feverishly to replenish the trays as fighters emptied them just as quickly. At least Jaal wasn’t limited to the nutrient paste like he was on the Tempest. A sudden ache hit his chest. He winced. 
> 
> As he topped up his tray with food, Jaal glanced around the mess hall. There was a subtle shift in the air. The conversation hushed. Nobody would meet his eye. Jaal sighed inwardly. He missed the Tempest crew. There, nobody questioned his loyalty, nobody judged him based on his family name, the past relationship with the… _No._ His mind shied away from the Ryder shaped hole in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments in the previous chapters! I really enjoyed the conversations we had. I hope you all had the chance to check out the art of Wrench. The link can be found at the end notes.

Ryder leaned against the outer walls. The wind was picking up, caressing her bare skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Ryder shivered. The sun peeking past the horizon. Another day, another shitty night. _Fuck, I’m actually getting used to this._ Today’s sunrise was obscured by the clouds hanging the sky. 

Music was the only company she had. It was a soft drone that came from her ear piece. It was atmospheric. It suited her dark mood. The words spoke her soul.

_To be alone…_

_I don’t need nobody, Oh I, I don’t need nobody,_

_Oh I don’t need nobody to be alone, to be alone._

_And in the darkness a shallow poison it has grown,_

_I bite my tongue there’s a fever I will not let it show._

Her departure and subsequent hop-scotch between planets had took all her energy and mental capacity to stay ahead of whatever APEX team Kandros had sent her way. She didn’t actually have time to just be. Now, stuck on Kadara, Ryder was realising stopping to catch her breath wasn’t so bad. At the same time, she found herself settling into a routine, a comfortable one at that. With free time came, thinking, a lot of thinking. Mostly about the crew. 

_How are they? How is Cora getting used to being Pathfinder? Is Scott mad at me? Shit, is anyone feeding my hamster?_

Her mind spent a significant portion of its capacity worrying about Scott. She knew she had effectively done to him what her father did to her. She had abdicated her responsibilities, especially of their mother’s cure, the benefactor and all the accompanying mysteries and tossed them all on his lap. Ryder clenched her fists, the thought about not being there to see her mother wake up was unbearable. _Maybe, when enough time has passed I can keep tabs on them. Maybe._ Ryder felt overwhelmed if she started counting the number of little things she would miss from her twin’s life. They had always been pretty involved with each other lives though they had lived separate lives since enlisting. But he was never more than a comm call away. 

Then as if thinking about her brother wasn’t depressing enough, her mind would inevitably moved on to Jaal. Her mind was filled with nothing but regrets when it came to Jaal. The sweet short relationship they had shared burn so bright and was snuffed out by her own two hands. Sure, she didn’t remember doing it but the image of Jaal looking through, not at, her during the trial hurt. She was the ultimate betrayer of his trust. It was like he just vanished from her life. Ryder figured he was probably relieved to finally see what a broken person she was, beyond repair, beyond fixing. Ryder just wished she had a chance to properly say goodbye and apologise.

The circuit her mind took always ended with SAM. Her last exchange with him broke her heart. His absence was like losing a part of herself, an integral part of herself. His voice was a near constant since she woke as Pathfinder. Her entire world turned upon its head. Her father dead. _Why? To save my life. Why?_ Ryder could never ask now. She, suddenly the Pathfinder. Tasked to seek out golden worlds for everyone. Find the lost Arks. Gain the trust of the angara. Defeat the Archon. Protect Meridian. The list went on and on.

SAM was there every single step of the way even when she slept. He had been her constant companion, listening to her worries, her fears and her doubts. Things she never shared with another living soul, she trusted with SAM. They were two souls sharing a body. Before Scott woke up, SAM was her twin. After Scott woke up, Scott had his own life to live, his own path to walk while SAM was stuck with her and her to him. Ryder hoped SAM understood why she didn’t fight harder. He was the only one with the clearest view of everything. He was the only one she had said a proper goodbye to. 

Ryder sighed and rubbed the scar on her head, sometimes it tingled whenever she thought about SAM. She dusted herself off and headed back into port to start her shift at Kralla’s Song. Starting the day with regrets and grief always meant that it would be a bad day. Ryder just hoped it didn’t get worse with an episode.

* * *

There was a constant ache in his chest. It wasn’t a physical pain but it’s close to it. He rubbed his hand over his torso. Everyone had given him a wide berth since his return. The usual easy banter he had with his fellow Resistance fighters were now clipped and curt. Jaal knew he couldn’t fault them but it still stung. 

He entered the mess hall and picked up a tray. The trays of food were laid out, all steaming hot and smelling so delicious. Kitchen workers cooking feverishly to replenish the trays as fighters emptied them just as quickly. At least Jaal wasn’t limited to the nutrient paste like he was on the Tempest. A sudden ache hit his chest. He winced. 

As he topped up his tray with food, Jaal glanced around the mess hall. There was a subtle shift in the air. The conversation hushed. Nobody would meet his eye. Jaal sighed inwardly. He missed the Tempest crew. There, nobody questioned his loyalty, nobody judged him based on his family name, the past relationship with the… _No._ His mind shied away from the Ryder shaped hole in his heart. 

He sat down heavily at an empty table, his tray before him. The food no longer enticing. Still, he spooned the food into his mouth mechanically. The scrutiny was worse after the ex-Pathfinder’s escape. Suspicion flew rampant but Jaal was cleared by Evfra quickly enough. Still it didn’t stop speculation, it didn’t stop rumours and whispers. 

_Did you know Ama Darav was close to the Bloody Blade? Can you believe we trusted her? How could an elite fighter like Jaal misjudged so badly? How could we trust him in the Resistance? Can he be trusted?_

Given how free Angaras were with their feelings, the whispers inevitably turned to words and then confrontations. Jaal was tired of defending himself. His heart sang when he was with _her_. She was a complicated person but she was good at heart. Everyone was blindsided by the attack, especially him. _Why can’t anyone see that?_

If Jaal could block his ears he would. Now, all he knew was the ache in his chest and his longing for simpler times on the Tempest. His endless banters with Liam, suffering through Peebee’s teasing, working with Vetra to get one particular mod he was looking for, poker nights with Gil and so much more. But the break was clean, he had no contact with them after sending his resignation to Cora, save in his thoughts. 

His mind moved in a cautious circle around the raw gapping wound in the middle of his heart. Sara Ryder once the human Pathfinder, no longer his darling one, not the reason his heart sang. Those feelings and thoughts were sealed. He dared not examine them.

Every single time, he danced around Ryder’s name, the Moshae looked at him with such sadness while others looked away embarrassed for him. He didn’t understand why. His grief had ran its course, Jaal was sure. _Never again_

Jaal hardened himself against the whispered words. He built a skin thick enough to tolerate any questions about his ability to lead. But Jaal would never allow anyone, even Evfra, to question his resolve to the Angara Nations. He would never desert his roots. Jaal stood up from his chair, food consumed, back straightened. His eye sweeping over the others who were casting surreptitious looks in his direction. His mouth twisted once and everyone turned back to their food and conversations.

Jaal was more than ready to prove his loyalty. He trained, he worked, he laboured under Evfra’s icy gaze. Maybe one day, that ice would thaw and he could stand with his brothers-in-arms as an equal once more. Until then, Jaal would devote body and soul to the Resistance. 

* * *

Working at Kralla’s Song had its perks but she was still barely making ends meet. It’s hand to mouth for the entire month she was on Kadara. That’s not really quite what she was looking for. Ryder needed to build a nest egg for when time came she inevitably had to bounce. Well, at least for now, she wasn’t starving. For that she was immensely grateful to Umi, though she never actually said it out loud.

“Hey, are you going to the races?” Umi asked. 

“What’s that?”

Umi couldn’t look more exasperated if she tried. “What do you mean by that?” she asked thinking Ryder was deliberately pretending to be obtuse. 

Ryder just shrugged as she leaned against the counter, keeping an eye on the crowd. She didn’t really care. “The races!” Umi insisted, as she poured yet a shot for another customer. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

She just stared at Umi and grunted. “You’re more animal than human, girl.”

“The hover bike races? Happens every two months? Crowds? Booze? Betting? Ring a bell?”

Ryder shook her head. It turned out after Meridian, Sloane consolidated her hold on Kadara. Vandre, a military vehicle corporation, approached Sloane not long after for use of the great big dessert she had outside of the port. The great Sloane Kelly agreed and probably said, “Yes, go ahead but first hand over some credits.”

Or something like that, Ryder didn’t bother getting all the facts straight. Suddenly, that made so much more sense since Ryder couldn’t turn around without seeing a hover bike on Kadara nowadays. More importantly, Sloane was hiring security. 

_Ka-ching!_

* * *

Kaetus eyed her up and down critically. “You have no weapons or armour of your own?” he asked. 

Ryder Pulled her small axis-lock knife from her boot and it smacked into her open palm. With a single motion action, she flicked the blade open. “Never needed any,” she said. 

_Actually I just can’t afford one._

Kaetus’ brow ridges raised in unison. Apparently impressed by the display, he said, “You’re hired. It’s a standard flat fee of 1000 credits for the day’s work.”

1000 credits? That’s a no brainer, that’s about a quarter of what she needed for a quick ticket off Kadara. “Deal,” she said. 

Kaetus rattled off the details for the job. Security along the track against Kadara wildlife, namely the larger ones which could derail the entire race. Crowd control for when betting disputes inevitably happened. 

Kaetus covered the rules as well. Killing wildlife was totally permitted, the watching spectators not so much but slapping them around was okay as long as they were still breathing when she was done. As she left, Kaetus called out. “You! With the biotics.”

She turned, figuring there weren’t many biotics around. Kaetus tossed a pistol over to her and she caught it deftly with her biotics, showing off a little. The weight was comforting in her hand, she turned it around and realised she was holding a M3 Predator. Her face twisted in distaste. “No Carnifex?” she asked hopefully. 

“Don’t push it,” Kaetus said. “And keep it, we have too many than we know what to do with.”

Ryder nodded. As she left she twisted out of the way to avoid colliding into a young turian rushing headlong into Sloane’s headquarters. If it had been a bad day, Ryder would have snapped at the boy but she had a new job and a new, well new to her, pistol. So all in all, it’s not bad for a day’s effort. 

Ryder checked the pistol over. It looked like all it needed a proper cleaning and it should be good to go. She rolled her eyes as she realised Kaetus neglected to actually give her any ammo to go with the pistol. What did he expect her to fire the pistol with? She picked up a couple of ammo magazines for the Predator on the way home along with a used hip holster and an old but serviceable asari commando jacket. The holster wasn’t ideal since it was a right handed holster but beggars, choosers and all that. 

It’s been a while since Ryder actually handle a weapon so she spent her time dry firing the pistol, getting used to the weight. Having a pistol in her procession felt like a small step upwards in Kadara society. 

* * *

The race was scheduled to start in the evening when the weather was cooler. So it was the late afternoon she got herself down to the tracks. Well, tracks would have been too generous, it was basically the badlands. The route was marked out roughly with beacons lining the dirt. It’s running around one of the acid lakes near the outskirts of the port. 

Merchants and stalls owners were set up all along the track, everyone was there hawking their wares. “Bike mods that is guaranteed to bring you victory! Get your hot dogs here! It’s a human delicacy! Place your bets now! Ryncol, human stout and turian beer here!”

Everyone shouting a version of the usual fare. The crowd was slowly forming as the badlands seemed to have transformed into a festive atmosphere. Ryder was at a loss of words. Vaguely she wondered if anyone from Ditaeon had travelled down for this. It’s practically a Kadara holiday or something. 

Ryder joined the other new hires as they waited to receive their final assignments. Kaetus had assigned her to a roving squad that acted on the signal of the sniper teams situated all along the track. It wasn’t a bad placement since she would be mostly near the tracks if nothing bad happened. Ryder eyed the rest of her squad and vaguely she wondered if Kaetus had assigned anyone as a squad leader. 

The crowd was fast turning into a horde as the sun sank lower in the sky. The teams were wheeling their bikes to the starting line. Ryder’s eyes ran down the entire line and saw bikes of all shapes and sizes. One of them the red sleek thing she saw at Wrench’s workshop. Her heart leapt at the sight of it. Silently she hoped that would be the one that won. Apparently there weren’t any real formalised rules for the race. All of them powered by mini mass effect drives and they had a blue shimmer of shield surrounding each. _Crash protection?_

Ryder walked over to a hot dog seller and grabbed one that’s ready. The asari manning the stall opened her mouth to protest but Ryder jerked her thumb in Sloane’s direction and said, “I work for her.”

The asari clamped her mouth shut and settled for glaring instead. Ryder smirked and chomped down on the hot dog. It tasted like processed food heaven. The saltiness was nicely complimented by the liberal amount of ketchup she slathered on. _Imagine that, perks when working for Sloane._

She watched as Sloane settled into her seat. She was the only one who got to watch the race from her elevated platform. Kaetus was standing just behind her seat. Ryder wondered if Sloane was going to do the flag off and all that like a princess in a tourney or something. Then the revving of the engines pulled her attention away. An announcer started rattling off some colourful commentary. Dust and small pebbles were thrown up as the bikes took off as soon as the air horn rang out. It wasn’t the high pitched roar of the low capacity engines that’s oh so familiar to Ryder’s ears but a soft purr of mass effect drives. She clenched her fists as if closing them over the grips of a bike. _Damn, I miss riding so much._

At first, Ryder had expected the race to be boring laps around the track like those she had watched back on the Citadel. Apparently she had underestimated how things were never boring on Kadara. It started out pretty tame then by the second lap the track was filled with the sound of metal on metal collisions. Apparently ramming your opponent was a totally legit way to get ahead in this race. Sometimes crashes turned into explosions and pieces were just flying all over the spectators. It’s a blood sport even for the spectators. Ryder wondered if the biotics shields were even enough protection for all that mayhem. Pretty soon the pack of thirty were whittled down to just a handful. The sleek red hover bike was among those eliminated.

By the time the race was over, it was way past sunset. Ryder didn’t get to fire her pistol but she did get to punch a krogan and then an asari for harassing their fellow spectators. She even spotted the human and turian duo from her first day on Kadara. The turian still had a heavy bandage wrapped around his mandibles while the human was still spotting fading bruises from his violent contact with the bar counter. It seemed they had grown a brain to share since they gave her a wide berth. Ryder was impressed. Sloane was a prompt paymaster. Kaetus transferred 1000 credits to her omni tool as soon as the winner was announced. 

She eyed the vast amount of debris around the track and wondered if she could piece a hover bike from the pieces all around her. It was then she spotted the winner wheeling her trashed bike to the pile. She ran over. “Are you not going to fix it?” she asked. 

The rider shook her head at her. “It’s not worth the effort. It’s probably easier to start modding from a new one.”

An idea sparked in Ryder’s head. “Can I have it?”

“Sure, knock yourself out. All valuable parts have been stripped mind you,” the rider said. 

Ryder couldn’t believe her luck and took hold of the handle bars. The feel of the rubber under her bare hands brought back some of her best memories. “Know any good and cheap mechanics?” she asked the rider who was walking away. 

The rider laughed. “Good ones are never cheap, cheap ones are never good. Look for Wrench. She’s one of the best but she’s fair with her prices.”

Ryder nodded, her mouth twisting a little at the thought. “Thanks and congrats by the way.”

The rider just lifted her helmet and waved as she walked away. 

Ryder pushed the mostly intact bike back to Umi’s and started her shift. One glare from Umi she knew she had to get the bike out of Kralla’s Song sooner rather than later. Ryder dreaded the thought of speaking to Wrench. It seemed their paths were bound to cross once more. 

* * *

After race day, Kralla’s Song was flooded with the winners and losers. Some drank to celebrate their winnings, others to drown their sorrows. Either way, Umi was the ultimate winner here. Ryder was kept busy with many heads to bust and people to keep in line. This time with a pistol at her hip she found her fists needed to meet less flesh and plates. By the time closing time was coming around, the bar was drank dry. Umi had nothing left but water and nobody wanted that in a bar. She gave Ryder the next day off. 

Even being on her feet for most of the previous day and barely sleeping after, Ryder was up with the sun. It seemed tiring herself out didn’t keep the nightmares at bay. The sunrise this morning was brilliant, or maybe Ryder was excited for once in months. Even her father’s frowning couldn’t dampen her spirits. She had a bike to fix up and the first thing she was going to do was to take it out for a ride. Ryder got up and headed back into the port. 

Walking around the port in the wee hours of the morning, the chill of the dawn still hanging in the air, it was almost peaceful. The port still functioned more or less but most of the inhabitants still kept to a regular day / night cycle unlike the endless day in a space station. Her first order of business was some food and then a visit to Wrench’s. 

Food was easily settled with a ration bar working its way down to her stomach and a luxurious bottle of tea to chase it, Ryder was set to go. She stared at the hover bike at her feet. It’s mass effect core was removed, obviously that’s the most valuable part of the bike after all. However, with no mass effect core meant this bike wasn’t going to hover anywhere soon. Carrying it was an utter pain in the ass and her attempt yesterday had convinced her to find another way. Ryder shrugged, it seemed biotics was going to be the way to go. 

By the time, Ryder made it to Wrench’s, she was praying Wrench wouldn’t refuse her. Sweat was pouring down her neck and back. The good mood she woke up with was rapidly being leached away with every grunt of effort. Ryder set the bike down with a thump as she took a break. Ryder didn’t have much credits to her name, just the 1000 she earned yesterday and a little more from her time with Umi. _What is the going rate to fix something like that?_

Ryder looked up as she heard a door hissed open. There was a loud bark and a white streak bounded towards her. She stifled her usual reaction to push back with her biotics. The white husky slammed into her and air rushed out of her lungs as she fell to the ground. “All right, all right,” she laughed as Kiba licked her. “I’m happy to see you too.”

Try as she might to push the dog off, Kiba wouldn’t move until she had finished her greeting ritual. Satisfied, Kiba moved away allowing Ryder to get up. She found Wrench looking at her, an odd expression on her face. Ryder didn’t know what to make of it. The mechanic turned back into her shop ignoring Ryder. She gathered her energy to lift the hover bike once more when Wrench emerged with a trolley big enough to put the bike on. Wrench guided Kiba away from the bike with her feet as Ryder lifted it onto the trolley. Thank the gods! The trolley had tiny mass effect fields and it made transporting the bike much easier. 

Once all three were back in the workshop and the bike was safely down on the floor, Wrench started inspecting the bike without a word.

“How much to fix it?” Ryder asked.

“You can’t afford it.”

“You didn’t even give me a price, how do you know I can’t afford it?” Ryder asked angrily. 

“5000 credits for a brand new mass effect core. Do you have that?”

“No...” she replied. “But we could work out a deal!”

Kiba barked as if indicating his approval at the proposal. “I have 1000 credits now. Loan me that core, fix the bike enough that it would run and you get first dips on everything I bring back.”

Wrench narrowed her eyes at Ryder. _First dips in salvage is good and all but it isn’t particular attractive._ “You’ll sell me your salvage at a price of my choosing, this includes any Remnant ones,” Wrench countered shrewdly. 

Ryder huffed a breath out her mouth. Wrench had a reputation of being fair and she hadn’t ratted her out to Umi, Ryder was desperate to a working bike. She couldn’t quite put into words why. Throwing caution to the wind, Ryder decided she would take a chance here. With a bike she could lose herself in the badlands and lead everyone on a merry chase if it came down to it. She just needed enough to feed herself and buy some necessities. Remnant salvage on the other hand shouldn’t be available willy nilly to anyone but Ryder figured anyone stupid enough to get them deserved whatever the Remnant dealt. She had no intention to venture into the vaults not without SAM. The remembered pain sent a tingle down her scar. 

“And an honest answer,” Wrench continued. 

Ryder balked. Some questions would be too dangerous for her to answer. “I reserve the right to refuse the question.”

_What the hell does she want to know?_

“Deal,” Wrench said as she stretched her three fingered hand towards Ryder. 

Ryder raised an hand eyebrow at the human gesture and took it in her own. “You’re not asking your question yet?”

Wrench shook her head and smiled. “I’ll collect my question later.”

**Lyrics taken from[To Be Alone by Ben Howard](https://open.spotify.com/track/3cQ5OfMH3oANsB8BSy3z1i)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by Palavenmoons


	27. Another Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _Vesagara_ , you do not belong here,” Tall growled. 
> 
> “I work here,” Ryder pointed out. “I belong here.”
> 
> Stout wasn’t an angara for words, he came rushing towards Ryder before she finished speaking with his arms swinging. “Fucking rude!” she cried, a grin on her face. This was the fight she was looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for all the comments and kudos! I re-wrote the fight scene just before I post it. Let me know if there are any grammar issues. Once again, thank you for reading!

True to Wrench’s word, the bike was fixed up perfectly. Aesthetic it wasn’t great, scratches and dents all along the side but it worked. That’s all Ryder cared about. Just like that, Wrench gave her the best gift ever. The gift of freedom. Well, it’s only potential freedom now. The mechanic hadn’t declare the project finished. Restricting Ryder only to joy rides and not venturing further into the badlands for proper salvage work. There was always one other thing she wanted to tweak or upgrade. Ryder was beginning to lose her patience. 

The night crowd was starting to fill Kralla’s Song. Ryder was keeping to the shadows. Her black leather jacket blending easily into the gloom of the bar. Her eyes scanned every new person walking in. Most of them regulars and all of them had learnt to ignore her. She folded her arms, her fingers twitched as a vein throbbed against her temple. The headache was back with a vengeance. Ryder released her stiff fingers and rubbed her hand along her scar. Her body felt like it was working against her. Nothing felt right since the procedure that removed the implant. _Did that surgeon took more than he was supposed to?_ Most of the time, Ryder was able to ride out these headaches but it never did any favours to her mood. 

Ryder’s hand twitched as her eyes searched for something, anything that just looked the slightest bit of wrong. It’s times like this she wanted a fight to feel in control. A pair of angaras entered. Kralla’s Song were frequently patronised by the local angara population. These though weren’t familiar to Ryder. She kept a close watch on them. They weaved their way through the dance floor and stopped at the bar. The pair didn’t seemed to do anything suspicious, just regular people having a drink. They took their drinks and retreated to a corner. 

Ryder’s eyes returned to the door. A young turian entered, too young to actually be drinking. Her eyes narrowed. She made her way from the shadows to intercept the boy. “How old are you?” she asked as she stepped into his path. 

The turian though young was as tall as her. He was a silver grey with no clan markings on his face. Ryder’s mind worked as she tried to remember what a turian without any clan markings meant. It clicked, a bare face was either an exile or dishonourable. He was way too young to be either. The turian glowered at her. “What’s it to you?” he asked jutting his chin out at her, mandibles spread wide as if trying to look larger to her. 

“Too young to be here, kid.”

“I’m not a kid,” he said as he pushed past her. “Get out of my way. I have credits, so I get to drink.”

“Kid, don’t make me throw you out,” Ryder said as she took two quick steps back to block him again.

This time she had a hand against his chest. The turian took one look at her hand and then back at her. “Take your hand off me, otherwise I’ll claw it off,” he said as he lifted his talons. 

It was quick, Ryder Pushed him biotically backwards. She wasn’t gentle but she did held back. The turian fell backwards and slide along the floor crashing into several dancers. As he fell he stretched his hand out reflexively and left a long scratch down Ryder’s arm. Her jacket parted, the sleeve was ruin. She had to keep a tight rein on her temper as she looked at her torn sleeve. Blood started to well up along the scratch. _I’d better get him out here before I really do lose it._

Umi was glaring at her. Her only rule was not to make _too much_ of a mess when working. It wasn’t a mess but it’s getting there. The turian got to his feet. Ryder saw he started flaring but it spluttered and died just as quickly. She threw a stasis around him and Pushed him out the doors. “Don’t come back till you’re older,” she said. 

The turian got straight back onto his feet and started to rush her. Ryder drew her pistol. She was in no mood to take shit from a teenager but she wasn’t in that bad a mood to want to shoot a kid. “Don’t,” she growled at him, her gaze turning stony and hard. 

The turian paused. His eyes on the pistol aiming at his centre mass. “Don’t think you can get away with this!” he shouted. 

Ryder flicked the safety off her pistol with a loud click. The turian flinched slightly. “Go.”

He backed away slowly, all the while keeping an eye on her pistol. It was only when he rounded a corner when she holstered her gun. Wincing a little as Ryder pressed her arm on the cut. _Damned teenagers._

Ryder turned and headed back inside. Her eyes went instantly to the pair of angaras who entered earlier, they were talking to one of their regular angara customer. It was subtle but Ryder could see crackle of bio-electricity running along the regular’s arms. From her experience, bio-electricity shouldn’t be visible like that unless the angara was in some sort of distress. She made her way over. “Is there a problem?” she asked the regular, keeping her eye on the newcomers. 

“It’s no trouble here at all, _vesagara_ ,” one of the newcomers sneered.

Ryder paused. That was an angara word she had heard before but she couldn’t remember what it meant. It was obvious it wasn’t meant to be nice in the slightest.

He was a huge for an angara and he towered over Ryder. In her mind, she dubbed him Tall. She glanced at the other angara behind Tall. He was slightly shorter but built like a tank. Ryder was sure his biceps were larger than her thighs. That one she dubbed Stout. It didn’t take a genius to guess who Tall and Stout were representing. “I’m not talking to you,” she replied, her lips curling in a matching sneer. “Are Tall and Stout impeding your enjoyment of this fine establishment?”

Ryder risked a slight tilt of her head to look at the regular. He gave her a nod. “They were recruiting.”

“I thought so,” she said, turning back to face Tall and Stout. “No Roekaar welcome here and most definitely no recruiting allowed.” 

“ _Vesagara_ , you do not belong here,” Tall growled. 

“I work here,” Ryder pointed out. “I belong here.”

Stout wasn’t an angara for words, he came rushing towards Ryder before she finished speaking with his arms swinging. “Fucking rude!” she cried, a grin on her face. This was the fight she was looking for.

Ryder knew she couldn’t take them in hand to hand no matter how much training she had done with Drack. Kralla’s Song was too cramp and packed to allow her much room. _Umi isn’t going to be happy._

She jumped backwards aided by her biotics. Her pistol already in her hand. Her finger squeezed the trigger once. The shot took Stout in the leg. He went down on one knee. At the same time, Tall launched himself at her legs. 

_Fuck._ Ryder was trapped. The crowd behind her panicking. There was nowhere to go but forward. She Charged. Her knife in her hand, blade forward. A quick upward thrust at the right moment. The blade plunged straight into Tall’s throat. His forward momentum lodged the small blade deeper. Blood poured from the wound and Ryder lost the grip on her knife. Tall was done for but he wasn’t satisfied with dropping out of the fight. He fell on Ryder. Her breath burst from her lungs in a sharp gasp. 

Ryder wriggled as she tried to extricate herself from a choking anagara. _You weigh a fucking ton!_ Ryder jerked her head up as a shadow came over her. It was Stout’s fist. Instinctively, Ryder Pushed. Stout twisted but he was too close. The Push caught him around the edges. Still, that didn’t stop his fist. It connected with her skull. A blast of white exploded in her vision as her head slammed against the floor. 

By now the crowd had cleared from the bar. Ryder shook her head. The stars behind her eyelids were going nowhere. The motion only made her feel sick. Still pinned, she lifted her pistol. Stout was the bigger threat and he wasn’t about to go down. Her finger squeezed. The pistol bucked. Stout went down again. At the same time, she Pushed Tall off her. Her ribs creaked at the easing of pressure. Her jacket was entirely covered with blue angara blood. Judging by the amount on her clothes and the floor, Tall wasn’t going to last long without some medical attention. Ryder didn’t particularly care one way or another. 

Stout was still struggling to his feet, Ryder walked over tracking blue boot prints all over the floor. She stopped over Stout with her pistol aimed at his head. “Don’t,” Ryder growled warningly. 

Stout stilled, eyeing the pistol warily. His blue eyes narrowed, in the background Tall’s chokes got more frantic. “Your friend there isn’t going to last much longer if you don’t help him,” she informed in a sweet voice but her eyes dark and hard. “What will it be?”

Stout’s eyes darted between Ryder and his friend. Behind her, she could hear Umi pumping her shotgun once. That seemed to decide things for Stout. He raised his hands up as he got up. Ryder kept her pistol trained. As they made to leave, Ryder said, “Stop.”

They froze. “I want my blade back,” Ryder said as she walked over Tall. 

Her fingers wrapped around the blood sleeked hilt of the blade. She planted a foot against Tall’s chest and pulled. With a little biotic help, the blade came free. Blood poured out of the wound in time of the angara’s heartbeat. “You better hurry,” she said as she wiped the blade down her leg of her pants. 

“You’ll pay for this, _vesagara_ ,” Stout snarled. 

Ryder’s only reply was to tighten her finger around the trigger. Stout and Tall beat a hasty retreat after that. She holstered her pistol and slid the blade back into her boot with shaking fingers. The aftermath of adrenaline always left her a little jittery, she closed her hands into fists to still them. Umi glowered at her before turning back to the few remaining customers, “Show’s over. Get back to your drinking.”

Kralla’s Song was suddenly back being a bar and not the site of a brawl. Umi crooked a finger at Ryder. She walked over, careful to not get any blood on the bar. “You’re done for the night. Get yourself clean up and check on that bruise,” she said, as she prodded the blooming bruise at the side of Ryder’s face. 

Ryder flinched. Her earlier headache had joined forces with her throbbing bruise to form a drum band that’s jamming inside her skull. She needed to clean up but she just didn’t want to do anything. Ryder figured since she was done for the night and it’s still relatively early she’ll drop by Wrench’s to check up on her bike. Tapping her earpiece, a song started to play. Ryder walked out with music playing in her ear. 

* * *

Wrench stared at Ryder as she appeared at the workshop without warning. Her only reaction to Ryder’s bloody clothes was only a slight frown before she turned back to her work. The blood didn’t put Kiba off in the slightest, she careened into Ryder with her usual greeting ritual before sniffing the blood throughly. 

“What are you doing here?” Wrench asked finally after getting irritated with Ryder’s hovering. 

“Keeping an eye on my bike,” she said. “You have been working on the bike for ages, when will it be done?”

“You stink of blood if you want to hover get yourself cleaned up.” Wrench said, throwing her a clean towel and pointing her to the bathroom. 

Ryder emerged from the bathroom minutes later looking less like she had stepped out of a horror movie, more like a human. She had washed her blood-stained clothes and they were hanging in the bathroom drying. She kept her sports bra on with her cargo pants. Ryder clomped back out to the workshop, her boots unlaced and rocking loose with her feet in it. Kiba tailed her. 

“What happened to you?” Wrench asked, jerking a finger at her bruise and the long cut along her arm. 

“My job happened to me,” Ryder replied as she sat down on her haunches. “Wrench, tell me where did you get Kiba?”

The mechanic sighed, putting her tool down. “Do you really want me to tell you a story or work on your bike?” she asked. 

“You can work and talk at the same time, right?”

“It makes it hard to concentrate,” Wrench pointed out. 

“Still, if you are going to keep tinkering on the bike, you can humour me.”

Wrench weaved a tale of stupid criminals stealing the wrong cryo-frozen DNA and made the wrong dog for their drug research. They wanted a dog to test if their genetically modified space weed would pass inspection. Instead of getting a bloodhound, they got a husky instead. Kiba was far from interested in working for anyone but herself. She was impossible to train and bit them every chance she got. The criminals realised pretty soon Kiba had to go. “So I took her off their hands,” Wrench concluded. 

“Really, Kiba?” Ryder said as she wrapped her arms around the thick and lush white fur. “You were ferocious? I think you are just a giant teddy bear.”

Then Kiba started growling. Ryder pulled her arms away from the dog and flicked her eyes at Wrench. This was the first time Kiba had growled at her. _What did I do?_ Ryder rubbed the ache at the back of her neck. 

_Shit!_

“Wrench, do you have any omni cuffs?” she asked urgently. 

Ryder got to her feet, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. Leave? But to go where? Back to Kralla’s Song? That’s a bad idea that even she knew not to do. Stay? What about Wrench or Kiba? She had no wish to blink and see their blood on her hands. They were among the few she actually cared about on Kadara. 

“Cuffs!” Ryder shouted, panic rising to a fever pitch. 

Wrench stood up and looked at Ryder warily. “Is it happening again?”

“Yes! Fuck if you don’t have cuffs, do you have a room you can lock securely?”

Ryder pulled the pistol out of the holster and placed it on the ground along with her knife and omni tool. She hurried into the room Wrench indicated, recognising it as the one Wrench offered to her previously. “Lock it, bar it. Don’t let me out till you are sure I’m me,” Ryder said as stepped inside. 

“How am I supposed to know that?” Wrench asked as she tapped on her omni tool to lock the door. The holo-lock shifted from green to red. 

Ryder realised music was still playing in her ear. She cursed herself for forgetting. A soulful voice sang as the beat thudded against her ear in time with her heartbeat.

_I was down for the count_   
_I was down I was out_   
_And I had lost it all_   
_Yes I was scared, I was torn_   
_And I took to the night_   
_I’d given in to the fight_   
_And I slipped further down_   
_I felt like I had drowned_

Ryder turned her head when she caught movement out of the corner of her eyes. It was her father, he had his pistol out. It was trained at her head. It wasn’t the first time since these episodes started. Ryder’s eyes met her father’s. She nodded her permission to him even though he clearly didn’t need it. 

“You did fine the last time,” she said through the closed door as she felt her biotics flaring. “If I get loose and violent, shoot-“

Wrench heard nothing else from the room. Ryder’s unfinished sentence hung in the air. The mechanic picked up Ryder’s pistol and checked the ammo before snapping the magazine back in place. Wrench tensed when she heard bangs coming from inside the room. It sounded as if someone was trying to pry the door open with help of furniture. Sighing, Wrench settled down a distance from the room and started her vigil. Kiba whined. She reached down petted the dog. 

“You’re hostile to everyone but her. You barely tolerate me,” Wrench said as she ran her hand through Kiba’s fur. “But you growled just now. Can you sense something we can’t?”

Wrench sighed and kept the gun trained on the door. And waited for a sign. 

* * *

“Wrench,” a muffled call came from inside. 

She flicked the safety off the pistol. “Are you back?” she asked carefully. 

“I think so.”

Wrench thought back to the previous episode she had the _privilege_ of witnessing. There were similarities between the two. She remembered watching the human struggled against her bonds. The human was usually surly and abrasive, she went totally glassy-eyed blank during the episode. The agitation that she displayed before was gone all that’s left was a need to get free but to do what, Wrench had no idea. No amount of gentle cajoling or angry yelling got the human to respond in any way other than to tug against the cuffs then. 

_Could it be that’s she’s non-verbal when she was going through these episodes? Does she know?_

“Where are you?” Wrench asked. 

“Your dinky little workshop.”

“Who am I?”

“My mechanic that’s taking her own sweet time with my bike.”

“What’s your name?”

Silence from the other side of the door. “That’s not a fair question.”

“What if that’s the honest answer I want.”

“I told you I’ll reserve the right to refuse questions,” she replied. “Are you going to fucking let me out of here?”

Wrench tapped on her omni tool and the red holo-lock turned green. The human came out of the room, her knuckles skinned and bloody, the bruise from earlier now a proper dark purple. “What did you do?” Wrench asked. 

“That the honest answer you wanted?” the human looked at her, she looked tired, as if drained of energy.

The human laughed ruefully. “Say yes, that would be the easiest answer for me to give you.”

“Nope,” Wrench said, popping her P. 

“I’ll give you a freebie then, I don’t know. One moment I’m here the next I’m gone,” the human said as she sat heavily down on the sofa. 

The human pressed her heel of her palm into her eyes, full of resignation. “Sometimes, I just don’t feel in control of my own body,” she said, sighing heavily. “I feel like my body doesn’t belong to me. Someone can just flick a switch and I get turned off.”

Wrench didn’t say know what to say, she just watched and listened. Kiba went over to the human, no longer growling this time. She hopped onto the sofa and curled up beside the human. She ran her fingers through the fur and smiled at the dog. That was the only time Wrench ever saw a smile on the human’s face, other than the time she took the bike out for a spin. 

Wrench glanced at her omni tool, it was late. It was already late when the human turned up and now she was totally tired from the event. Even though salarians don’t need much sleep, Wrench was already up for most of the previous day and then some. She glanced at the human, she was already nodding off on the sofa. Wrench left her where she was and retired to her room. 

Did she trust the human? Not really but the human had not done anything deserving of distrust either, other than going crazy from time to time. That part was worrisome. Everyone came to Kadara to hide, everyone here had a story. Wrench could feel the human had a story that’s wilder than most. Some came in the aftermath of the uprising, others came willingly, a self-exile. The human looked haunted most of the time and carrying her ghosts with her wherever she went. Wrench wanted to see the good in her. After all, the human did put her safety first. Not everyone would do that. Wrench should know. 

She was a Lystheni, unwelcome everywhere back home. The markings on her face made her origins clear to every salarian she met. Wrench left the Milky Way hoping for a fresh start but even after travelling 600 light years, prejudice followed her and she was still unwelcome. Wrench had been bitter once but the short lifespan of a salarian had taught her not to dwell on things she couldn’t control. 

Wrench stripped off her dirty overalls and settled into the soft, mouldable salarian bed naked. She sighed as the bed wrapped itself around her body. It was almost like floating in zero-g. As Wrench drifted off to sleep, thoughts of the human still swirled about her head. Ever the mechanic put a problem in front of her, Wrench would inevitably attempt to solve it. And she had a very human shaped puzzle in front of her. 

* * *

Jaal threw himself into the Resistance. Evfra kept him away from anything that had to do with the Nexus and Tempest. He led missions against the Roekaar, he fought against the kett and played security for the Moshae when she travelled between the angara worlds. He had a front seat view of the rippling repercussions of Ryder’s attack on the Moshae and her subsequent escape.

First, the backlash when the news that the Moshae was attacked by the human Pathfinder broke. The human Pathfinder that was so revered by angara turning into the symbol of betrayal. Pretty soon, the Bloody Blade was synonymous with Ryder’s name. No angara had taken too kindly to the news that the Moshae was harmed. Predictably, Akuusul took the chance to espouse his views of the Milky Way species. Roekaar membership was at an all-time high. All the while, Evfra was pressurising the Nexus for Ryder’s swift re-apprehension. Jaal didn’t care one way or another. That’s what he told himself at any rate but he kept a close eye on the daily HNS bulletin from the Nexus. 

Next, as emotions ran hot, coupled with angaras never being shy about expressing their displeasure. A fight broke out between angaras and some humans on Aya. It morphed into a full-scale riot. Jaal had led a team down to crack heads and keep the peace. The marketplace was trashed. Stalls laid smouldering in the aftermath. Thankfully, nobody died during the riot. Distrust was rampant and pretty soon all non-angaras were evicted from Aya and Havarl. Researchers and scientists were still allowed on Voeld but everywhere else only Pathfinders and their teams were tolerated. 

However strange it was, the Moshae was still the ambassador. She kept up with her duties but she never stepped foot on the Nexus since the attack. Jaal gritted his teeth through all this. His work and effort had been for nought. The rift was widening and he was helpless to stop it. 

* * *

It took another week before Wrench declared the bike fit for the badlands. After a week or so of working two jobs, her morning and night gigs at Kralla’s Song and her scavenging in the badlands for the rest of the time, Ryder decided she’s quitting her job at Umi’s. The money wasn’t as good but absolutely nothing could replace the sense of control and freedom the bike could give her. Ryder hadn’t had control over her life, her body and her mind in a long time, probably since Havarl. 

The bike had opened her world up and she wasn’t tied to the port any longer. Sure she needed to come back to the port to get supplies and offload her salvage but she didn’t have to stay any longer than she wanted to. 

“Wrench,” Ryder said after coming from Kralla’s Song as an employee for the last time. “About the room.”

“What room?”

“That spare room you offered me previously, is it still available?”

“You made use of it last week,” Wrench pointed out. 

Ryder grimaced. “Look, I just need a place to crash sometimes and seeing that your room had held up well the last time. I figure it’s safer for me to be here than Umi’s if I have another episode.”

Wrench looked up from her work, she was dismantling some new toy or other. “That makes logical sense,” she said, returning back to her work. 

“And you have my express permission to shoot me if things go bad,” Ryder continued. 

The salarian hummed an acknowledgement. Kiba leaned against Ryder’s leg, a sure sign that pets were needed. She made her way to the sofa and sat down, Kiba happily joined her there. Ryder was trained well by Kiba because her hands formed claws to give Kiba a thorough belly rub. The husky’s tongue lolled from her mouth as her hind paw scratched the air. “So the cost of the room, you just deduct it from the salvage,” Ryder said. 

“Yeah, sure,” Wrench said absently. 

Ryder glowered at her. “What _are_ you working on?”

“Something for you,” Wrench replied, her nimble fingers worked on pulling something apart. 

Ryder blinked. “Me?”

“Done,” Wrench stood up. “Omni cuff implants.”

She cocked her head. “How is this a present?”

“Well, I don’t believe all your episodes only happen when you are around me,” Wrench pointed out. “You need something to keep yourself restrained since you are very concern with what happens when you are _gone_.”

Wrench handed over the implants. Ryder looked at the small circular discs. “These are sub-dermal implants will need to be implanted directly into your wrists or wherever you think would work best,” she explained. “I’ve rigged them up to unlock upon a voice command. The word is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Ryder’s expression grew pained. “My safe word is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? I think I have trouble saying it now let alone when I need it to unlock. How do you figure this would even work?” 

Wrench told Ryder of her observations of the episodes. “It’s something, right? If this doesn’t work, you are not changing anything at all.”

She nodded, acknowledging Wrench’s point. It’s like a light at the end of the tunnel for Ryder. She had been free-falling off a cliff where things just happened to her and she had no control over how they affect her or anyone around. Ryder felt she finally had a finger hold on the sheer cliff, halting her fall. As distasteful as having a cuff implant under her skin, this was the first step to regain some control over her body. 

“Can you do the implants?”

**Lyrics taken from[Dressed in Black by SIA](https://open.spotify.com/track/1ruNslbgoiZk8e1vP0lY6j)**   
**[Vesagara definition](https://masseffectandromeda.gamepedia.com/Angaran_Word_of_the_Day:_Vesagara)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by Palavenmoons


	28. Kadara Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cerberus?” Ryder repeated, she was intimately familiar with Cerberus the organisation but is it the same one they were talking about here?
> 
> “Cerberus is all about the betterment of the human race. We should be free to chart our own cause, free from alien interventions and rules. Here in Andromeda, we can be truly free. The rest can follow our lead,” the lady said. 
> 
> _Fuck, the same one. One run in with them is more than enough to last a lifetime._ Ryder had heard enough and her headache was intensifying. “What would you say if I tell you you’d have to stop your experiment?” Ryder asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this marks the proper appearance of the second original character. I've commissioned art for this character. The link will be found in the end notes. 
> 
> Meanwhile, thank you for the support for this fic. We are still in the early days of the Kadara section. Hang in there with Ryder!

Of course Wrench’s skills didn’t extend to minor surgeries. Kadara being Kadara, there was always someone willing to do things with no questions asked. Ryder would have preferred going to Nakamoto but she didn’t want to risk him recognising her. 

It was when she paid the “doctor” when she realised her credits level looked substantially lower she had expected. Ryder wasn’t the best at anything financial at the best of times so she chalked it up to poor financial tracking. She left the doctor with two bandaged wrists and a burning need to give these implants a test. But she would be caught dead saying supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in public. That would be asking for trouble in Kadara.

Returning to Wrench’s she gave the cuffs a test. It proved to work well but their real test would be an actual episode. As she began strapping things down, prepping for a three day trip outside of the port, Wrench said, “You could get a tattoo.”

“Huh?” _Is this how she starts conversation? Without context whatsoever?_

“Taking back ownership of your body,” Wrench said. “A tattoo is a good way.”

Ryder shrugged. 

* * *

It was the second day into her trip outside the port, Ryder discovered a small structure just west of the port. She was pretty much done for the day, the sun was setting and it was time to find a place to spend the night. Ryder took care to stop a distance away from the structure. At a glance, the structure looked very much like the many abandoned Collective outposts littered across Kadara. 

Still, she needed to clear it before trusting it enough to sleep there. It would be nice to sleep with a roof over her head and a locked door between her and the wildlife. Ryder wrapped her fingers around her pistol and approached the pre-fab slowly. She glanced to her side and saw her father crouched beside her, an assault rifle in his hands. For a second, there was a surge of envy for the weapon. _Focus._ Ryder snapped her eyes back to her goal. 

Everything was quiet and still then she heard whispers. Ryder froze as she cocked her head. “Did you hear that?” she asked. 

Her father frowned at her as he moved forward to take one side of the door. “Right, right, radio silence while sneaking up on potential hostiles,” she muttered to herself. 

Ryder pressed herself against the other side. The holo-lock on the door was green. Straining her ears, she tried to catch who or what was doing the whisperings. _I’m not going crazier, am I?_

She palmed the door and darted back to her spot beside the door. Ryder watched the N7 operative moved swiftly and silently into the room. There was no gun shots, no surprised screams from the room beyond. _Of course, you can’t shoot at a ghost._

Ryder entered and did a quick sweep of the room. It was empty expect for a salarian muttering to himself. Obviously he wasn’t a threat, he barely registered her presence. Holstering her gun, she approached the salarian. Ryder could see out of the corner of her eye, her father still had his rifle trained on him. Somehow it gave Ryder a sense of comfort even though she knew his guns weren’t going to count when it came down to it. “Hello?” she called out to the muttering salarian. 

He ignored her. The salarian’s mutterings never stopped. He didn’t stop to take a breath. Ryder crouched down next to him and wondering if the salarian was caught in an episode of his own. 

“It’s bad, bad, bad. That, that, that datapad is bad, bad, bad,” the salarian said, over and over again. “They, they, they left this datapad. It’s bad, bad, bad…”

There was a shuffle behind her and Ryder drew her pistol but it was just a human and a krogan hidden behind a stack of crates. These two weren’t muttering but they looked too far gone. They just stared straight ahead, drool dripping down their chins. It wasn’t looking too great here. Ryder had came here looking for a place to spend the night not a mystery to solve but leaving things like this didn’t feel right. 

Ryder looked around for a datapad that the salarian was muttering about. She found it under a bed. For a moment she wondered if she would go crazy like the others here if she looked at it. It’ll be like those Japanese horror movies that Peebee enjoyed, if the protagonist watched a video, they would die within seven days. Ryder gave a mental shake of her head and turned it on. 

Inside she found an observation log. It was clear that the three she found here were test subjects, unwilling ones. _Damn._ There was an entry code in the log, that would come in use once she was able to find where the assholes responsible were. She glanced at her father, who had gone from alert to relaxed, leaning against the nearest wall looking back at her. She read a question in his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, what am I going to do about this?” she said. “Now? Tonight? Absolutely nothing.”

There were two serviceable beds in the small room and she intended to make full use of one. The next morning, Ryder jerked into consciousness with the jaws of her nightmare chasing her. She groaned as she stretched, her spine popping. “Fuck me,” she hissed, fingers pressing against her temple.

She couldn’t tell if the massive headache was one of her usual ones or she was being affected like the others. After a quick clean up with a portion of her water Ryder settled down to munch through on a breakfast of ration bars. Her father looked at her while she ate, shaking his head at her. Ryder was in no mood for the spectre’s antics this morning. 

After breakfast was done and dusted, Ryder scanned the three on a whim. Her civilian grade model didn’t give her much information on the affected but it did picked up a rather strong signal coming from the south. Vaguely, she wondered if this was the source of the problem. 

Ryder marked the structure down with a nav-point after unloading her salvage from her bike. With a lightened load, the bike made quick work covering the distance to the source of the signal. As Ryder neared the epicentre of the signal, a large pre-fab came into view. By then, Ryder’s mood had gone from bad to worse. Even the music playing in her helmet became a counterpoint to her headache. 

Checking her omni tool, Ryder confirmed the two-story structure was the source of the signal. Using her biotics, she skipped the stairs and jumped right up. The first door she found was locked and it was asking for a code. “Ah ha,” she said deadpan. 

Sometimes she don’t know if she was speaking out loud for the sake of her father or she was just starved for conversation. The entry code that she saved from the night before worked. The holo-lock turned green. “Well that just gave away the element of surprise,” she said. 

Her father just unholstered his rifle in response. Ryder did the same with her pistol as she palmed the door open. There were two humans inside. Their heads jerked up from their work in surprise. “Who are you?” one of them asked startled but not wary. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Ryder replied. “Are you responsible for the three babbling people?”

“Oh you mean our experiment?” the man asked, somehow looking pleased. 

“Physically no harm has come to them,” the lady added. 

Ryder frowned but kept her mouth shut. She had learnt the art of silence for interrogation from the best. Her eyes flicked to her father who had taken up a flanking position. His eyes met hers as he gave her a little nod. _Approval?_ Ryder turned her gaze back to the male and female pair before her. Given enough rope, there would always be people who would hang themselves on it.

“What you saw out there is the birth of something amazing,” the man said. “We’re trying to build a biological network.”

“A host of minds all connected together!” the lady said excitedly. “We’re unappreciated geniuses back home, slaving away for Cerberus but here’s we can make wonders!”

“Cerberus?” Ryder repeated, she was intimately familiar with Cerberus the organisation but is it the same one they were talking about here?

“Cerberus is all about the betterment of the human race. We should be free to chart our own cause, free from alien interventions and rules. Here in Andromeda, we can be truly free. The rest can follow our lead,” the lady said. 

_Fuck, the same one. One run in with them is more than enough to last a lifetime._ Ryder had heard enough and her headache was intensifying. “What would you say if I tell you you’d have to stop your experiment?” Ryder asked. 

“No!” the man said. “You will be undoing everything we have accomplished! These criminal aliens don’t matter. I rather they be a part of our experiment than be out there creating trouble.”

Her father straightened and stood closer to the man who was getting agitated. At the same time, Ryder lifted her pistol to point at the man. Her intentions made clear when she flicked the safety off the pistol. 

“Come on, Nigel. We can start again somewhere else. We’re scientists, we are no match for ruffians and thugs,” the lady said as she tugged at her partner’s arm. 

The lady glared at Ryder. “We’ll stop the experiment as you asked,” she said as she inched towards one of the computer terminals. 

Ryder kept a sharp eye on her. Just as she had expected the lady pulled a pistol hidden under the terminal. Ryder’s fired without a second thought, taking the lady right in between her eyes. As the lady fell to the floor, Ryder whirled around and plugged another in the man’s chest. He fell, blood staining his clothes red. _Why can’t they just do as asked?_ She sighed looking at the mess. 

Walking over to the terminal, Ryder prayed it would be a simple button tap to turn off their sick experiment. Glancing at it, the interface looked simple enough. The moment she tapped on the right button, her headache went away. She closed her eyes in sweet relief. Her father looked at her pointedly then at the two bodies on the floor. The man was still alive and bleeding all over the floor. Ryder sighed and fired another shot right into the man’s head. He expired with a sigh escaping his lips. 

Ryder stared at the carnage she had wrecked for a moment. Somewhere at the back of her mind, she knew she should be horrified at her actions but Ryder couldn’t find it in herself feel that way. Her father just shrugged at her, bending over to investigate the bodies. Ryder felt disgusted at herself, at the void of the emotion she knew should be there. Suddenly she just couldn’t stand hanging around the bodies any longer. Ryder climbed up the second flight of stairs to get to the open roof above. 

It was still early in the day not yet past noon. The Kadara sun was already getting too hot for comfort. Ryder surveyed the surrounding carefully. In her ride in she didn’t paid much attention but now that the headache was gone, she was able to appreciate the location. It was a remote place, it had a recently empty large structure. “Waste not, want not,” she muttered under her breath. 

Absently, she tapped out a message to Ditaeon. Ryder figured the mayor would send someone out to check up on the nav-point she had attached to the message. Not bad for the first trip out of the port, she had found herself some impressive digs. _My fucking villa._

Her earpiece continued playing music. She closed her eyes as a banjo strummed. A clear voice sang and sang while Ryder stared out into the Kadara landscape. 

_But I will hold on hope_

_And I won't let you choke_

_On the noose around your neck_

_And I'll find strength in pain_

_And I will change my ways_

_I'll know my name as it's called again_

* * *

It was her second day back in the port and Kaetus was pinging her on her omni tool. “How the hell did he get my contact?” she cursed. 

She opened the message. 

_I hear you are now a freelancer. I am looking for a courier on a freelance basis. Nothing illegal. Drop by if you are interested. - Kaetus._

Ryder frowned. _Nothing illegal? I’ll be the judge of that._ Nobody could get away saying no to the Outcasts at the port, not for long anyway. There was no harm listening to the proposition. “We’re done here?” she asked. 

Wrench nodded, tapping on her omni tool. Ryder checked and saw the credits came in. She blinked as she saw the credits jumped and at least 500 credit just disappeared. “What the fuck?” she exclaimed. “How much did you transfer to me?”

“750,” Wrench replied. 

“500 just disappeared!” 

Wrench just shrugged. It was an eloquent shrug that said “Not my problem.” Ryder sighed and put the problem down on her to-do list. She exited Wrench’s workshop with Kiba still on her heels. Ryder turned to the dog, “Get back in, you will melt in the Kadara sun.”

Kiba snorted at her once before turning back. _Did the dog just give me attitude?_ Ryder’s legs ate up the distance between the workshop and Sloane’s headquarters. She gained entrance quickly enough after the guards relieved her of her pistol. Ryder smirked a little when they didn’t find the blade in her boot. Sloane was nowhere to be seen much to Ryder’s relief. Kaetus was speaking to another turian. 

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. The other turian was short for his species. He was almost as tall as her. There weren’t many turians around that short and Ryder was finding him extremely familiar. Kaetus glanced up and saw her approaching. “Great, you’re here.” he said. 

“This is Octarius Dexidos,” Kaetus said as he gestured at the younger turian. 

“You!” the younger one said, when he saw Ryder. 

“Me,” Ryder replied, deadpan. “You’re the underage drinker that I throw out of Kralla’s Song.”

The younger silver-grey plated turian jerked his chin at Ryder and attempted to swing his fists at her. Ryder took a quick step to the side and his fist found air. “Dexidos!” Kaetus snapped. 

The younger turian shifted back into his place, his mandibles fluttered betraying his agitation. “You are to teach her the routes and dead drop locations,” he continued. 

“This is the newcomer?” he asked, glaring at her. “No!”

Ryder folded her arms across her chest and watched. Kaetus dragged him away and whispered furiously at him. When they returned, the younger turian was sullen. His mandibles tight against his face as he eyed her balefully. Kaetus turned to her. “I want you to learn the routes and locations so if I need your help with any delivery, you are up to speed.” 

“I didn’t say I’m taking the job,” Ryder pointed out. 

“We’re trying you out. If you don’t make the cut, you’re not getting the job,” Kaetus said. “Let’s make it easy. 3 jobs for 2000 credits. If it works out, we can extend the arrangements.”

Ryder shrugged. The money was good, there was no denying that. “Fine,” she agreed. 

Kaetus sent her a map of the drop sites. “It’s easier if Dexidos shows you how to get to these sites. They are not easily found,” he said. “Here’s your first assignment.”

Kaetus handed her a letter on real paper. Ryder frowned. “Can’t you send this via your omni tool?” 

“Just get it done,” Kaetus said turning his back to them. “I need this delivered by sundown.”

The younger turian led the way out. “What’s your name?”

Ryder gave her usual shrug whenever she got that question. “What? You have no name?” he asked. “Never mind, you can call me Dexidos.”

“Dex,” Ryder said. 

“Dexidos!”

“So, Dex for short.”

“Spirits! You are impossible.” he exclaimed. 

* * *

Dex was pissed. _How can Kaetus do this to me? Am I not their ace courier? Why do need another?_ He glanced at the human following him. There was no way he would allow this human to show him up. Sloane and Kaetus would know his worth. It would be easy enough to get rid of the human once they were out in the badlands. Dex glanced at his omni tool. There was a new notification on it. He stifled a laugh when he realised he just had 500 credits deposited. _Serves her right for throwing me out of Kralla’s Song._

He turned to the human, an ugly smirk twisting his mouth plates. “Where’s your bike?” he asked. 

“At Wrench’s,” came the reply. 

“I’ll meet you at the gates. I need to get my gear.”

The human nodded and they split up. Dex returned to his little cubby hole. It was already mid-day, based on the destination of the letter it would take them the better part of the day to get there. Dex knew enough he would need to pack a night’s worth of food and water in case he had to camp outside. He never needed the emergency food but it never hurt to be safe. Stuffing his bag with his things, he threw the strap over his shoulder. Dex grabbed his helmet and gloves and headed out. 

* * *

Ryder’s earpiece played music as she waited. The letter was safely in a small compartment on the bike. Her back pack was only half filled with supplies. Combat missions had taught her to be ready for anything. She checked her ammo on her pistol again before holstering it. In the distance, she spotted Dex. 

The turian looked really young, probably no older than 15 years by her gauge. She didn’t want to ask since he was looking so pissed already. Ryder had no need for additional drama in her life. This was a job with a good paycheck and she didn’t see any harm in delivering some letters. She pulled on her helmet and started her bike. Dex did the same and they raced out the moment the gatekeeper had the door open. 

Ryder did study the map while she was waiting for Dex. The route Dex was showing her felt circuitous. Vaguely she wondered if he was avoided some kett or Collective outposts, hence the weird route. Her bike wasn’t equip with shields like the racing ones. Taking fire on this bike would be a very bad idea. They just passing through Varren’s Scalp when suddenly Dex’s bike just disappeared. 

_Fuck me._

Ryder pulled on the brakes and stared. She could still hear the purr of a hover bike moving away from her position. Turning her head to face the correct direction, she could see a trail of dust being kicked up. “He fucking cloaked!” she exclaimed. 

Dumbfounded, she watched as the trail got smaller and smaller. She turned and looked at her father who was sitting behind her on the bike. “That idiot fucking ditched me!” she complained. 

Her father just shrugged, bored at the turn of events. “Gods!” Ryder shouted. 

She was pissed but not surprised. Of course she was competition, he would want to get rid of the competition, wouldn’t he? She should be grateful that he didn’t just shoot her in the back after he cloaked. “What do I do now?” she asked aloud. 

There was no answer. None from her father, none from the badlands. Ryder was never one to leave a job half done. She brought up the map Kaetus had provided again and studied it. Ryder wasn’t a stranger to the Kadara badlands, she had spend days and weeks driving to and fro on a Nomad, delivering something from spot A to B shouldn’t be a problem. 

* * *

By the time she found the drop site, the sun was setting. All the site had was a little box. It was unlocked when she got there. Ryder dropped the letter in and closed it. The box locked itself automatically. Ryder took a photo of the box and sent it off to Kaetus as proof of a completed job. She sighed. Now it’s time to get herself back home. Even thought it was nearer to get back to the port than to return to the villa, Ryder didn’t want to see Kaetus for a while. She was beginning to not like the job. Being at the beck and call for the Outcasts wasn’t something she had in mind.

As she went past the curve of the canyon, she could hear gunfire in the distance. Ryder slowed down as she approached. A spike of fear ran up Ryder’s spine when the roar of an Eiroch that echoed off the canyon walls. Carefully, she inched forward. 500 metres away just across the bend she saw an Eiroch rearing up on its hind legs. A small figure was lying on the ground near its feet firing their weapon at the enraged brute of a beast. 

_Is that Dex?_

For a moment, she wanted very much to leave him to his fate but the boy was young. He could be forgiven for being stupid. Ryder didn’t have the same excuse to be cruel. She twisted the throttle on the bike and it surged forward. Ryder drew her pistol as she neared. The bike twisted in a tight curve around the Eiroch and Ryder fired. The pistol barely did any damage. 

Dex stared at her in surprise. Their eyes met as she re-positioned her bike to come around for a second pass. “Get clear!” she shouted. Ryder didn’t want to shoot him accidentally. 

Dex scrambled in a bid to get his feet under him. The Eiroch was bored by Ryder’s attempts at distraction and turned its attention back to Dex. _Shit!_ Her civilian model omni tool didn’t come with a omni blade attachment, she had never bothered to get it modded for one. Now, Ryder was deeply regretting her choice. Her knife was not going to put a scratch on the Eiroch’s thick hide. 

The Eiroch reared upwards, preparing for a charge. “Put up a shield!” she yelled, remembering that he was a biotic. 

At least that way he didn’t have to suffer the brunt of the impact. The Eiroch roared. “Get behind cover and put up a shield!” Ryder bellowed. 

Dex screamed in panic as he flared but no shield. “I don’t know how!”

The Eiroch shifted its weight to its hind legs ready to spring forward, there was no way Dex was going to survive that without a shield. Ryder had an idea, a stupid idea. She didn’t have the luxury of picking and choosing her stupid ideas. She angled her bike to aim it right at the charging Eiroch and she twisted her throttle. 

Wrench had done an excellent job, the wind was whooshing all about her as she gunned her bike at the Eiroch. Ryder had to time it just right. She jumped from her bike and Charged at the Eiroch pulling a shield up at the same time. The Eiroch slammed into her shield, it flickered but held. Ryder felt her teeth rattled in the impact. Eiroch’s charge was stopped cold by the shield and it was dazed. At the same time, Ryder was thrown backwards. She landed heavily on the ground. 

Dex rushed towards her and pulled her behind cover. She grunted as she got to her feet. The sullen turian was gone, replaced at this panicked and scared boy. “We can’t kill it,” she said as she snuck a peek. “We have to run for it.”

Dex nodded, content to let her take the lead. “Where’s your bike?”

“Crashed, it won’t run,” he said. 

“Damn,” Ryder cursed. “We’ll take mine.”

Her bike was hovering not far from where the Eiroch was. The beast was shaking its head trying to clear it. They could ill afford to have the Eiroch trash it. “I’m going get it. You just get ready to hop on when I swing by,” she ordered. 

Without waiting for a reply from Dex, she dashed out of cover and Charged towards her bike. She covered the distance quickly but the Eiroch recovered enough to take a swipe at her. Ryder dropped and rolled, the tip of its claw dug a gouge into her helmet. The glancing blow was enough to push her into the sand. The helmet absorbed most of the impact. There was no time to nurse her blooming headache. Her legs scrambled across the loose Kadara sand to quickly get back to her feet. Dex let out a cheer as she mounted the bike. The bike hummed as she twisted the throttle. She stretched a hand out to Dex as she passed him. 

Dex’s gloved talons smacked into hers and she tightened her grip and pulled him up. “Go! Go! Go!” he yelled. 

The bike wasn’t going to go any faster. It was going as fast as it could carrying two. Ryder glanced at the side mirror and saw the Eiroch was still lumbering behind them. “It’s gaining!” Dex yelled. 

_Fuck!_

“Take the throttle, keep it straight!” she said, as she twisted her body allowing Dex to keep his talon on the throttle. 

Ryder gathered her biotic energy to herself as she waited for the right chance. “Hold on!” she shouted as she stepped on the foot brake. 

“What?” Dex yelled as the bike jerked, slamming his face into her back. 

The Eiroch closed the distance between them. Ryder Pushed. Everything slowed. The beast was charging at them one moment and the next it was suddenly launched into the air. The Eiroch sailed over their heads, roaring at them all the while. Ryder got a very close look at its sharp teeth. She was sure its saliva was what was dripping onto her jacket. Then, time sped up as the Eiroch landed with a loud crash a distance ahead of them. Ryder wasted no time, taking control of the bike, she twisted the throttle, putting distance between them and the dazed beast.

**Lyrics taken from[The Cave by Mumford and Sons](https://open.spotify.com/track/33e9HtOfO1ye1h8xQ7Foc9)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by Palavenmoons


	29. Pieces moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She uncapped her bottle of water and took a long swig and started munching on her ration bars. Dex shuffled over next to her. Ryder glared at him, remembering that if he hadn’t ditched her, this wouldn’t have happened. “What you did just now was awesome!” he enthused. “How did you do that? Can you teach me?”
> 
> Ryder’s mood was turning from mildly irritated to royally pissed. “Just shut up,” she growled. “Eat your ration bars, drink the water and go to sleep.”
> 
> Dex didn’t seem to catch on. He unwrapped his own ration bar and continued. “I really need a teacher to train me in biotics. I can’t even do anything with mine.”
> 
> Ryder sighed, having finished two bars, she was leaving the rest for the next day. Hopefully the energy cell would charge up fast. She squeezed her eyes shut as Dex went on. “Can you please train me? You were so great! Lifting that Eiroch up into the air, spirits! I didn’t know that can be done!”
> 
> “Shut up,” Ryder growled, glaring at him. “If you don’t I would dump you where I found you.”
> 
> Dex snapped his mouth shut instantly at that threat. Ryder shifted away from the turian and lie down on the floor on her good side. It didn’t take long before sleep took her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's posting day again. This chapter has more on the Kadara trio and things are happening in the background. Thank you for all the kudos to the Archon arc and the Cetus Arc. I really appreciate the comments, keep them coming!

It was pitch dark, the sun had long set. The bike’s headlight was the only thing illuminating cold desert sand. Ryder checked her omni tool. They were near one of a few likely shelters she had marked the last time she was out. Her eyes checked the energy gauge constantly. It was flashing a very not subtle red at her. Ryder patted the trusty bike. _Come on, just a little bit further._ All it needed to do was to get them to shelter. She had no desire to spend the night in the open. Her heart leapt when the old Collective outpost came into view. 

She stopped the bike a distance away. “Why are we stopping?” Dex asked, his eyes wide, still riding high on his adrenaline. 

Ryder, on the other hand, was tired. She hadn’t been practising her biotics and she had done the equivalent of a few miracles in a very short period of time. “I’m going to clear it first. You just hang back here. Come only when I signal,” she instructed. 

Drawing her pistol, she checked it. The magazine was almost empty, she slammed a fresh one in. Ryder looked at Dex, who nodded at her. The small pre-fab turned out to be empty. Dex brought in the bike parking it just outside. He sat down with a sigh against the wall. Ryder did the same on the opposite side. 

Inside, there was an open space and some haphazardly stacked empty crates. Power was still up so the light came on the moment they walked in, activated via motion sensors. However, there wasn’t any running water. Perks of living in the badlands was having no piped water. Water was what you bring with you or collected rainwater. There had been no successful attempts at purifying the water from the acid lakes of Kadara. Ryder shuddered a little at the thought of the acid, her nightmare made real.

Water was a concern if they had to spend more than a day out but Ryder planned to be gone as soon as the bike’s energy cell was charged. Now, all Ryder wanted to do was to sleep, biotics exhaustion wasn’t something she particularly enjoyed. However, she had to eat first, otherwise she’ll be useless tomorrow. Ryder pulled her backpack off and started peeling her jacket off. She winced. “Are you hurt?”

Dex looked up at her, disbelief all over his face. “I don’t know. I ache all over.”

“Just make sure nothing is broken.”

Ryder’s shirt then tank top joined her jacket on the floor. Dex’s eyes widened as Ryder sat in only her sports bra. The side she landed on was a large patch of dark red. Ryder ran her hand over it, checking to make sure there wasn’t any open cuts or broken bones. She turned to see Dex staring at her. “Is there nothing else you should be doing?”

Dex jumped and started checking himself over. He hissed in pain when he found a couple of deep cuts on his legs. “Nothing so bad, just a couple of cuts,” he said. 

“Anything useful in your bag?”

“Just some dextro ration bars.”

Ryder tossed her only pack of medi-gel at him. It smacked him right in the face. “Use that,” she said.

“What about you?” Dex asked, pointing at her bruise. “I don’t think humans should look like that.” 

Ryder grunted. “Medi-gel only numbs the skin for bruises. It works better for bleeding wounds. You can have it.”

She uncapped her bottle of water and took a long swig and started munching on her ration bars. Dex shuffled over next to her. Ryder glared at him, remembering that if he hadn’t ditched her, this wouldn’t have happened. “What you did just now was awesome!” he enthused. “How did you do that? Can you teach me?”

Ryder’s mood was turning from mildly irritated to royally pissed. “Just shut up,” she growled. “Eat your ration bars, drink the water and go to sleep.”

Dex didn’t seem to catch on. He unwrapped his own ration bar and continued. “I really need a teacher to train me in biotics. I can’t even do anything with mine.”

Ryder sighed, having finished two bars, she was leaving the rest for the next day. Hopefully the energy cell would charge up fast. She squeezed her eyes shut as Dex went on. “Can you please train me? You were so great! Lifting that Eiroch up into the air, spirits! I didn’t know that can be done!”

“Shut up,” Ryder growled, glaring at him. “If you don’t I would dump you where I found you.”

Dex snapped his mouth shut instantly at that threat. Ryder shifted away from the turian and lie down on the floor on her good side. It didn’t take long before sleep took her. 

* * *

Dex was amazed by the human. She was nothing like what he had thought. He could hardly contained his excitement once the danger had past. _A biotic! There are hardly any biotics on Kadara. Maybe a couple working for Sloane but none as strong as her. Nobody that stuck their neck out for me._ He had made up his mind. He was going to make her teach him if this was the last thing he did. It was high time he learnt how to harness his curse. Now to keep calling her human in his head didn’t seem nice or proper. He glanced at her sleeping form and started brainstorming a nickname for his teacher to be. 

The next day, he woke up to find the human still asleep. Dex got up and got the bike out into the sun to get a head start on the charging. He returned to find her up and putting on her clothes. “Good morning!” he chirped. 

All he got in return was a tired glare. It didn’t dampened his spirits in the slightest. Six hours ago, Dex believed he was never going to see the sun again. Today he felt like nothing could touch him. It was the most hopeful he had felt in ages. 

* * *

Discovering his biotics abilities back on Taetrus was a nightmare for his parents. Taetrus wasn’t Palavan, it was hard living there. Clan and family obligations were enforced more strongly there than elsewhere. His parents were given an ultimatum when he was discovered. Give him to the Cabal or risk exile from the Hierarchy. School turned into hell when rumours started to spread. His classmates and friends started to shun him. He was just twelve then. 

It wasn’t just the kids, it was the parents too. There were plenty of whispered conversation between his teachers and his classmates’ parents about the horrors of the Cabal. Some looked at him with pity, others looked at him with disgust and fear. It was always _“I’m glad it isn’t my child.”_ Nobody knew any turian who joined the Cabal and had seen them ever again. They just vanished. Prejudice against Turian biotics were strong in a race where biotics were rare. It was made worse in their backwater colony. 

In the end, Dex couldn’t allow his parents risk exile so he took matters into his own hands. Dex didn’t really plan for it. It just happened. He was out whiling time away playing on his omni tool, hacking extranet sites. On his way home, Dex saw a squad of colony guards headed for his home. He knew they were there for him. Dex ran. And he ran all the way to Heleus. Forging electronic documents to allow him to join the Initiative was easy. Then the uprising happened. 

* * *

“Hey Rider,” he said, testing the nickname out. 

His sharp eyes didn’t miss how the human visibly flinched at the name. Her brown eyes pinned him to the spot. Somehow he still found the ability to grin at her, spreading his mandibles wide. “Rider, see because you ride a hover bike, so Rider,” Dex explained. “It fits. You gave me a nickname, I am giving you one.”

She glared at him and choked down the rest of her bar and walked out. Dex followed her out with his half finished in his mouth. He picked up the bottle she handed him the day before and took a drink from it. There was still some left. He found her sitting on the steps, eyes soft and unfocused, looking at nothing in particular. Dex offered her the bottle. She took it and chugged the rest of the water. “So about my training, when are we starting?”

She sighed and squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. _Is she going to say yes?_ Dex was eager to start training immediately if at all possible. He remembered hearing about biotic amps and the like, he had no idea what they were or what they did. Instead of replying him, she got up and checked on the energy cell. Whatever she saw probably satisfied her because she looked at him and said, “We’re heading back to the port.”

They spent the rest of the journey in silence. He was sure she was listening to some music inside her helmet. _How cool! I want that for my own helmet too!_

* * *

Ryder was grateful for the ride. At least that got him to shut up. _What in the fucking hell had gotten into him. He’s cold one moment, hot the next. He and his endless questions. When the hell did I agree to train him?_ She had tried her very best to limit her irritation to glares and not to actually hit him. That would defeat the purpose of rescuing him from the Eiroch. Her entire side was sore and stiff in the morning. As Dex kept talking, Ryder was seriously regretting giving him the medi-gel the night before. Her heart almost stopped when he called her Rider. For a split second, she was sure he had recognised her but no, it was just a bloody nickname. _A shitty one too. Fuck._

Finally the walls of the port was coming into view. Ryder couldn’t wait to be rid of the turian once they got back. However as soon as Ryder got the bike through the gates of the port, she started feeling a tell tale ache at the back of her neck. _Shit, shit, shit._

She had no time, she had to move fast. Instead of letting him off, she rode directly to Wrench’s. She didn’t bother waiting for the bike to come to a complete stop. Ryder jumped off the moment Wrench’s was near. Dex yelped as her boot kicked him right in the chest as she vaulted off. She walked straight into Wrench’s workshop, dropping her bag pack, omni tool, pistol and knife as she went. “Thank gods you’re up,” Ryder said. “You know the drill.”

Wrench nodded as Ryder spoke the lock command. Dual bands of orange enclosed her wrists, fastening them tight together. She retreated into the bunker and waited to disappear. 

* * *

Wrench stared at the turian that followed Ryder. Kiba was growling her head off at him. The turian backed away slowly. “Good furry animal, I’m a friend,” he said placatingly at Kiba. 

Wrench rolled her eyes. As if that ever worked on any animal, let along Kiba. The husky showed her pearly white namesake at the turian. Wrench took pity on the boy and called Kiba away. The husky walked over to the door of Ryder’s bunker and planted her butt right on the door, looking for all the world as if she was guarding it. “Who are you?” she asked. 

“Octarius Dexidos,” Dex said. “Call me Dex.”

Wrench thought the turian looked disproportionately happy when he told her to call him Dex. “Fine,” Wrench said. “Dex.”

He beamed at her. Wrench frowned. She had never seen a turian so smiley. “What are you doing here?”

“Erm… I was hitching a ride to Rider and she just came here,” Dex explained. 

Wrench narrowed her eyes at him. _Did she tell him her name?_ She couldn’t believe it. The human was so private, everything she knew about her was accidental. The human never let anything personal slip other that one time after her episode. “She’ll be in there for a while, you might want to come back later.”

“Oh…” Dex looked lost. “Maybe I will. I’ll have to get some things done.”

The turian left looking disappointed. Wrench shrugged and glanced at the locked door. This episode was rather quiet, she wasn’t sure if it felt more ominous than when the human was throwing herself against the door. 

* * *

Ryder muttered the unlock command under her breath, flushing red even though nobody was around to hear her do it. _Damn it, Wrench!_ Ryder had tried bribing the salarian to change the command word but she just ignored Ryder. It was useless to attempt it on her own since Ryder was useless at tech if it wasn’t ready made, plug and play types. Paying someone else to do it would lead to too many questions. 

Ryder sighed and watched as the orange bands restraining her wrists disappeared. She shook her hands to loosen her muscles. Her side was still a solid block of stiff and sore muscles. “Wrench, you mind unlocking the door?” she called. 

Her only answer was a green holo-lock instead of the red. The door slid open and she found Kiba blocking the way. The dog bumped her furry head against her leg. Ryder bent and ruffled Kiba’s head. She paid extra attention to her ears. “Rider!” she heard someone call. 

She stifled her flinch, at least she hoped she was successful, Ryder didn’t want Wrench to put two and two together, not when things were starting to settle down some. “How long?” she asked Wrench, ignoring Dex completely. 

“Four hours give or take,” Wrench said, for once not working on another project. 

The bone deep weariness was dragging Ryder down to the sofa where Dex was sitting. She covered her eyes with one arm while the other was relaxed on the sofa’s arm. “So when are we starting to train? I can start now,” Dex said. “But I got to let you know I know nothing about biotics. I’m a total novice.”

Wrench shot Dex a look but the turian didn’t catch it. “I don’t have a biotic amp and all that too,” he continued. 

As Ryder’s grip on the arm of the sofa tightened, Kiba sauntered over and inserted herself between Ryder and Dex, growling as she did so. Dex shifted uncomfortably away from the dog but never stopped talking. “Hey, Dex,” Wrench called, shaking her head in a curt gesture. “Shut up.”

“Rider,” Wrench called. 

“Don’t call me that,” Ryder replied. 

“Fine, whatever,” Wrench said placatingly. “Eat something. You look like shit.”

Wrench tossed a ration bar over which Ryder fumbled the catch on. _Fuck, I am tired._ She unwrapped the bar and started chewing. _Hmm… this one has raisins in it._

Dex had his mouth clamped shut but he seemed almost vibrating with energy. Ryder couldn’t understand where he had the strength to just go on and on. She wished he was the sullen angry teenager, not this one that just didn’t stop talking. “I…ah… I got something to confess before we start training. As my teacher I think you should know,” Dex stammered. 

_When? When the fuck did I agree to train you?_ Ryder didn’t answer but steadfastly ignored him, hoping he would get the message before she completely lost it. 

“I…ahhh… I was pissed when you threw me out of Kralla’s Song a while back.”

Wrench turned her head at that and watched the two of them closely. For some reason, Ryder was reading amusement on the salarian’s face. She crushed the wrapper as she popped the last of the bar into her mouth. 

“I hacked your omni tool and I was siphoning your credits,” he confessed. “I am giving it all back to you. All of it. I’m really sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Ryder’s eyes widened. Whatever confessions she had expected, she wasn’t expecting that. Stealing from her for throwing him out of Kralla’s Song? Ryder started to see red. “You stole from me?” she growled spinning to face him. 

Dex nodded mutedly. “Here, I’m transferring you the credits now.”

The turian tapped quickly on his omni tool and Ryder heard a chime on hers. She glanced at her omni tool on the table and sure enough there was a notification of 4537 credits credited to her. Ryder glared at Dex. “I’m… I’m terminating my program now.”

Ryder flexed her left hand open and close dangerously. “There, done,” Dex declared. “So… about that training.”

“You just don’t know when to stop,” Ryder yelled standing up. 

She loomed over Dex on the sofa. “When did I say I’ll train you? What makes you think I’ll train you even if you never stole from me?”

Dex looked scared as he stared at her left hand. Ryder followed his gaze and realised she had blue flames running along her arm. She shook her hand and it flickered off. Kiba stood up and pressed her weight against Ryder, pushing her away from the turian. 

“Rider…”

“Don’t call me that. That’s not my name,” Ryder growled. “Just go. I don’t want to see you again!”

Dex glanced at Wrench then back at Ryder. Wrench shook her head at Dex who was finally reading the room right. He got up and beat a hasty retreat. “Fuck!” Ryder shouted as she pushed Kiba off her. 

She returned to the bunker and lay down on the bed. The surge of anger was gone and the weariness was returning. Ryder groaned as she curled into a ball before falling asleep. Her ghost guardian watching on.

* * *

Cora sighed, looking through the countless messages she had. She could barely keep up even now months after taking over where Ryder had left off. The crew was still tight but it just wasn’t the same. They felt more like colleagues than family. Everyone was professional, they got the job done but they didn’t banter like before. Mealtime conversations were limited to work and nothing much else. Their relationships weren’t strained but they drifted off one by one or in pairs. Cora had seen Peebee and Suvi gravitating towards each other, while Lexi and Draco’s relationship was more out in the open. Still, the Tempest crew as a team just wasn’t the same without Ryder.

Cora sighed, rubbing her temples. Ryder wasn’t aware of how much she meant to people. She’s the glue that bind them together, without her, the crew was slowly drifting apart like sand in the wind. 

Even being closeted in the bio lab with Scott wasn’t fun. The idea was fun but that’s back when she was the XO not the Pathfinder. Cora sighed again. Scott glanced at her, “Credit for your thoughts?”

“No, I just…” she said. “I just don’t know how your sister does it.”

“Hey, hey,” Scott said as he slid his arm around her waist. “Don’t give yourself a hard time. You are doing the best you can. Sara didn’t exactly leave you a neat tidy little pile to work with.”

“And your father did?” Cora pointed out. “He just sacrificed himself for her and expecting her to find the Hyperion a golden world is a neat little pile? Fighting the kett? Resolving the issues between Elaaden and the Nexus? The Outcasts and the Collective? Defeating the Archon?”

Scott ran his fingers over his hair. He knew his baby sister did all those things but hearing Cora put it like that, he was suddenly struck by the immense weight on her shoulders. He wasn’t there to help her with any of it and he was one of those burdens when he was stuck in that coma. Scott swallowed a shuddering breath. “Ok,” he said finally. “I get it but you are doing the best you can, right? I don’t think anyone can ask more from you.”

Cora sighed as Scott pulled her closer to him. She leaned against his chest taking comfort in his warmth and scent. She allowed herself a brief moment of respite before pushing off from his chest. Picking up the datapad again, she read the numerous reports of Perseus attacks. 

“What do you know about Perseus?” she asked. 

Scott cocked his head as he tried to remember. “They are the group that had been hacking into the outposts’ mechs and computers. Why?”

“I’ve been receiving reports from Kandros. They have gone from hacking to outright killing people.”

“What?”

“Here,” Cora handed the datapad to Scott. “Neos-Palavan was attacked just 20 hours ago and they have claimed responsibility. The colonists were there to get the colony started and Perseus happened to them.”

Scott scanned the datapad and frowned. “That is a sharp escalation between what was essentially sabotage to outright murder.”

“Sabotage that led to deaths,” Cora pointed out.

Neos-Palavan was a great start for the turians. The Natanus could, like the Hyperion that colonised Meridian, start doing the same for Mosiino. It was a great win for Rix as a Pathfinder and turians in general. “They killed everyone at Neos-Palavan. They were just civilians, nobody was expecting a murderous terrorist group. They were expecting rampaging wildlife or even the kett,” Cora said shaking her head. 

“We’re heading there to help clean up Neos-Palavan?” he asked. 

Cora nodded. “We’re the nearest. Our mission is to ID the dead and find out what we can about Perseus. Orders from T’vera.”

* * *

Tann leaned back against his chair as he watched the others argued. It was passed time that the Pathfinders’ advantage of having an AI at their direct disposal be made available to everyone else. The Leadership first of course then it could be slowly filtered down to the masses in smaller capacities. 

“You must be joking!” Kesh said, heavily pregnant by this time. 

“Why not?” Tann asked. “The Pathfinders have an implant in their head with no issues.”

Siegfried was tapping furiously away on his omni tool. _Taking notes no doubt._ Tann nodded in approval at his aide. He steepled his fingers together and leaned forward. “Can’t you see the advantage having an AI at your finger tips do?”

“I concede that the Pathfinders have accomplished a lot but it’s not totally because of the AI,” T’vera pointed out. “The Pathfinders are all highly trained individuals with extraordinary will and strength. Look at Ryder, she defeated the Archon without the help of her SAM. A chip does not a Pathfinder make.”

Tann’s eyes narrowed at the mention of Ryder. “You weren’t even there for it,” he remained T’vera. 

“It’s a common story, Tann,” she replied, staring the salarian down. 

“She’s the Shield no longer. She’s the reason we’ve lost our ambassador. Did you not know what’s her new title?” Tann asked. “Ryder is now the Bloody Blade.”

“Enough,” Addison said. “We’re not here to talk about Sara Ryder, alive or dead, you have tasked Kandros to search for her. That’s the end of it.”

Tann snorted, clearly indicating that wasn’t the end of the Sara Ryder problem but Addison was right. This council was convened with another agenda in mind. “Right, so I propose we explore the possibility of having a SAM chip implanted for everyone on the Leadership. Of course, it would be entirely voluntary.”

“I don’t know about you, Tann. I don’t feel comfortable having a piece of tech in my head,” Kandros pointed out. “We need some expert opinion on this. Dr. Carlyle is a good candidate, he was responsible for the SAM implant procedure for the Pathfinders.”

Addison nodded. “We need more information. This isn’t a decision to be made rashly.”

“I will put the call out for the Pathfinders to give us a briefing about life with the SAM implant,” T’vera said as she tapped on her omni tool. 

Tann allowed himself a small smile. This was exactly what he had hoped for. Get the ball rolling, plant the idea, nothing of such importance happened overnight. He glanced behind and found Siegfried looking his way. _Maybe he was just surprised how quickly the rest were already considering the idea?_

* * *

Cora glanced at the bodies littering the ground. There was no discrimination, humans, turians, salarians and even some angaras all slain. She gritted her teeth. _Goddess, what a waste of life. Travelling 600 years only to see the end when it barely started._ She wrapped her fingers tighter around her shotgun. “Clear the area first before we start tagging and ID-ing the bodies,” she ordered. 

Neos-Palavan was quiet, too quiet. It was like a ghost town and the calvary came too late. White pristine pre-fabs were clustered around a large open ground, a standard layout for most initial colonisation efforts. The wide space was obviously meant to be a central town square while the other structures were mostly research labs, mess hall and living quarters. There was only a token security tower and security post. It was a slaughter. The handful of members that made up of the security team probably thought it was an easy posting. They were outnumbered and outmatched. 

Scott’s and Drack’s affirmation came instantly via the comm channel. Neos-Palavan was a hot planet very much like actual Palavan. However, the radiation level here was much more tolerable for other species. Still, going about with a hard shell would be inviting radiation sickness sooner rather than later. “SAM, any signs of life anywhere?” she asked. 

“Pathfinder, I’ve detected a cluster of life signs just 50 metres north of your position,” SAM replied. 

A chill still ran down her spine when SAM called her Pathfinder. Cora wondered if she would ever get used to it. “Scott, Drack, heard that?” 

“Yeah, Cora.” Drack rumbled. 

Scott nodded at her. There was only one position location 50 metres north of them. It was a large pre-fab meant designated as the living quarters. They picked up the pace. Cora signalled to Drack and Scott to go around and enter via the other entrances while she took the main doors. As she approached, Cora radioed the Tempest. “We’ve detected life signs on Neos-Palavan. Tell Lexi to get ready for potential survivors.”

“Acknowledged, Cora,” Kallo replied. 

Cora realised the main entrance was locked. “SAM, some help please.”

“One moment, Pathfinder.”

Within seconds the red holo-lock turned green, Cora palmed the door open. She rolled low and got behind cover. A quick peep over the cover told her the main atrium was empty. Then a scream broke the eerie silence. Cora sprung into action. A shotgun boomed and the scream was cut short. _Goddess, Perseus is still here!_ She had her shotgun at the ready when a man swung out of one of the smaller rooms with his shotgun booming again. Cora barely had time to get behind cover. “Cora!” Scott’s voice crackled in her ear. 

“I’m busy here!” 

She fired off a shot over cover without looking. Cora was rewarded with a cry of pain. Taking the opening, she Charged, closing the distance between her and the Perseus operative. Cora landed with her knee right in his stomach. He struggled as blood spurted from his chest wound. In her radio, Cora could hear Drack and Scott’s own firefights going on. 

“Who are you?” Cora asked, slamming the operative once against the floor. 

The man winced against the blow but he smiled at Cora. “We are Perseus!”

“You have to do better than that,” Cora said. “If you want my help staunching your bleeding, you had better stop struggling.”

This was the first time she had actually encountered any Perseus operative. She wasn’t about to let him die on her. He was going to come with them whether he liked it or not. “What does Perseus want? What is your objective?” Cora asked as she straddled the man, forcing her weight down on him. 

She readied herself to throw him into a stasis anytime as she reached towards the medi-gel in her hard shell. “We’re the defenders of Andromeda!”

“Against what?”

“You would like to know, wouldn’t you?” the man sneered at her before laughing. 

“Drack, Scott get here once you’ve secured your area. I’ve got a live one,” Cora said via the comms. 

“We defend Andromeda against Cetus!” he proclaimed. 

It made no sense to Cora, she didn’t understand what in goddess’ name he was going on about. It all sounded Greek to her. The operative clamped his mouth shut and bit down hard. “What the hell are you doing?” Cora shouted as blood started pouring from his mouth. 

She tried to pry his mouth open but it was too late, he started foaming at the mouth and his body jerked uncontrollably. There was nothing Cora could do. The operative was dead within minutes. 

_What in goddess’ name is Cetus?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by Lukreva
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by Noctuaalba
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by Palavenmoons
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by Swimming Trunks


	30. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder remembered every prick of the tattoo gun that carved the name into her skin. Thanks to Dex’s sudden return of conscience, she was more than 4000 credits richer. Ryder decided to take Wrench’s advise and reclaim a part of herself. The tattoo was part remembrance, part reclamation, part atonement. 
> 
> The remembered pain brought a satisfied smirk to her lips. It’s a pain that belonged to her, she held it close to her heart as she laid on the tattoo bed. This was something she had chosen to have done, not something that was inflicted upon her. Wrench was right, it felt good. It was a hard won feeling. She had spent months wrestling for the reins of her own fate. Taking it back from the huge unseen monster that had been in charge for so long. This was what it felt like being _in control_ after months of free falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I've released a new piece of art that I've commissioned specially for this chapter. The link can be found in the end notes. Hopefully, this section of the Cetus Arc isn't too boring since everyone is separated.

Ryder looked in the mirror. She had kept the haircut that the Nexus medical wing had inflicted upon her. Half her head was shaved, displaying her scar for the world to see. All she did was to trim the long hair she used to have. No more ponytails for this brand new Ryder. Keeping her hair short was more a matter of expediency but she had come to enjoy the shorter hair anyway.

She inspected her reflection in the mirror. Pallin did a good job. The tattoo was healing nicely not like the scar that alternated between a massive headache or a sharp twinge. The thin red line that spanned the side of her head signified so much more. Something so small that marked the extraction of something so vital to her. Sometimes she wished the scar was bigger, longer and angrier, at least it would be a physical representation of what she felt. _I miss you, SAM._

Ryder remembered every prick of the tattoo gun that carved the name into her skin. Thanks to Dex’s sudden return of conscience, she was more than 4000 credits richer. Ryder decided to take Wrench’s advise and reclaim a part of herself. The tattoo was part remembrance, part reclamation, part atonement. 

The remembered pain brought a satisfied smirk to her lips. It’s a pain that belonged to her, she held it close to her heart as she laid on the tattoo bed. This was something she had chosen to have done, not something that was inflicted upon her. Wrench was right, it felt good. It was a hard won feeling. She had spent months wrestling for the reins of her own fate. Taking it back from the huge unseen monster that had been in charge for so long. This was what it felt like being _in control_ after months of free falling.

Ryder caught her father’s reflection in the mirror. He was frowning disapprovingly at her. She didn’t care. “You wouldn’t have understand. You’re N7, respected wherever you go. You do things, things don’t just happen to you.” she spat. 

He just glared before turning his back on her. Somehow, Ryder took that as a victory of sorts. She turned her attention back to the mirror. Twisting her neck to get a better look of the tattoo, she smirked as she read the word she got tattooed right above her scar, the scar was like a line for the small block-like script to sit on. Pallin, the krogan tattoo artist, had asked if SAM was her boyfriend. 

“My brother,” she remembered replying. 

The krogan had nodded before continuing her work. She was surprisingly deft and gentle for a krogan with gnarled claws for hands. It was credits well spent. 

She sighed. Ryder had told Kaetus to give his courier job to someone else. She wasn’t interested. That disastrous first job with Dex last week sealed it for her. She much preferred working on her own. Her freedom and control was victory she had. She was answerable to nobody but herself and her stomach. 

Ryder took one last look at her own reflection. _So much had changed, I’m not even the same person I was before._ Pushing off from the sink, she exited the villa and climbed to the roof. The sun was just barely rising, the chill air wrapped around her like a cloak. Ryder suppressed a shudder and began her workout, first physical then biotics. That fight with the Eiroch had convinced her, she couldn’t just coast on her willingness to bleed and make others bleed. There would always enemies that just didn’t care. 

When she was done, she took a dry shower which basically consisted of throwing talcum powder over her body and shaking the excess loose. Kadara didn’t have any rain for the past week and her water storage tank was dry. Ryder missed the public baths at the port intensely. By the time she was done, the sun was completely up. Stuffing a ration bar into her mouth, Ryder pulled on her tank top, shirt and jacket and got ready to head out. The Kadara badlands was calling.

* * *

Ryder spent days out at the villa, never stopping by Wrench’s or the port if she didn’t need to. She had settled into some kind of odd rhythm. _How long have I been here? Months for sure._ She had not actually seen Dex around since she threw him out of Wrench’s a month ago. However she was sure he had been hovering. Ryder wasn’t even surprised to find him sending her messages. If hacking her omni tool to siphon her credits wasn’t a problem for him, what’s finding her omni tool address to him? Ryder had just filtered his messages straight to the trash after the first couple. They were all the same, begging her to train him. 

Ryder couldn’t understand his fascination with her. She had saved him from a dangerous situation but that was all there was to it. He could find another biotic for lessons, it didn’t have to be her. How could Dex thought she could stand him anyway? 

Wrench had laughed her head off when Ryder was complaining on one of her trip back. “What’s so funny?” she growled. 

“You act like you never had a younger brother before,” Wrench said. 

Ryder just clenched her jaw and didn’t speak after that. Wrench was right though she don’t have a younger brother, unless she counted SAM. She had an twin. Ryder could almost hear Scott correcting her in her head. _I’m 12 minutes older, I’m not your twin but your older brother._

She shook her head to clear the thought. The sun was out but the temperature was not overwhelmingly hot like regular Kadara days. The wind picked up a little and on it drifted the scent of sulfer and acid. The scar tingled a little as memories plucked at her mind. Ryder pushed them into a tiny little closet at the back of her mind, locked it and threw away the key. _Not today._ The ends of her lips tugged upwards as she turned to her prized possession. She ran her fingers over the handles of her hover bike. _Closest thing to a motorcycle this side of Andromeda._

She took a deep breath and savoured the air before pulling on her helmet. _No need to be stupid here in the middle of nowhere._ She swung one leg over the seat and mounted the hover bike. Pressing her thumb on the ignition button, there was no rumble of the bike frame, no roar of the engine. There was only a low persistent purr, not unlike the Tempest’s hum but in miniature. It was all deceptively quiet but Ryder knew underneath the small package, this bike packed quite a punch. It had been put to the test against a charging Eiroch after all. 

Ryder turned to look behind her. Her very own spectre was still pacing the ground. Her eyes took in the gleaming black and red N7 armour on a figure so achingly familiar yet so foreign. They didn’t have the best father and daughter relationship. Growing up with an N7 in the household was tough enough. Her brother was always her yardstick but no matter how much faster and better she did things she never got the affection she wanted, needed. It was an old hurt and something she never asked her father. _What the fuck is wrong with me. It’s been years since I thought about it._

Still a daughter would always wonder. She remembered when she hit her first perfect score at the shooting range with her pistol. _How old was I? Ten?_ Her father had ruffled her brother’s hair and praised him for improving his score from their previous trip to the range. Every week, she scored perfectly. Every week, her brother got the praise. All she got from her father was the perfunctory nod. She remembered her ten year old self beaming from ear to ear for getting that nod. 

Ryder sighed. _Why am I doing this to myself?_ Her eyes never left her father’s figure and still the memories came anyway. She was 14 and angry. Nothing was good enough and she was old enough to begin to see that. Ryder the teenager started coasting in training and in school. There was no reason to be exceptional because she would never be. With Scott getting in his growth spurt, he was trouncing her in all aspects of physical activities. They were both friends and rivals at the same time. 

Her mother had counselled her. “Be patient with your father, he finds it hard to show his feelings. He doesn’t know what to do with a girl,” she had told Ryder. 

_Haven’t I waited long enough?_

All the pent up frustration came out in school in the form of frequent violent Biotic ball matches during physical education class. Coming home with a fat lip or bruises was common. Every single time, her father would just glare at her before turning away. She wondered what he thought. Disappointed that she actually got hit? Unhappy that she actually got into fights? Ryder had no idea. She had stopped wondering. Then one day, she broke a boy’s arm. Her father came to get her. He didn’t speak to her the entire way home. Ryder could feel the anger was radiating from his side of the sky car. “Are you angry with me?” Ryder remembered asking once they got home. 

“Yes.”

Then silence again. Ryder didn’t know what to do. Was she dismissed? She didn’t want to be in the same room with her father if he was going to ignore her. “You are smarter than this,” he said when she made to escape to her room. 

She paused at the hall way and turned back to her father. Was that an acknowledgement? Her heart lifted a little. Her father just implied she was smart. A grin threatened to overwhelm her face but she kept a tight grip on it. “Fighting, average grades, Sara you are capable of so much more. Why can’t you be like your brother?”

Ryder was caught off guard. Be more like Scott? Wasn’t that what she tried all this while? Her lips started trembling as a lump formed in her throat. There was so much she wanted to say, words raced about in her mind as she worked up the courage to actually push them out through her stubborn lips. Then the door opened. It was Scott returning home after school. Her father walked over to her brother and said, “Grab your rifle, we’re going to the range.”

“Sara, you’re grounded and barred from all training till the end of the month,” her father said. “You better buck up. You disappointed me today.”

It crushed her.

Her brother shot her a questioning look but she could do nothing but looked stricken where she stood. He mouthed, “What happened?” Her lips wobbled and trembled harder as she tried to keep it in, to keep it _all_ in.

“Hurry up, Scott,” her father commanded from the threshold of their home. 

Scott hesitated before finally going to pick up his rifle from the locker. Ryder watched. Her father clapping a friendly hand on his shoulder as he ushered her brother out the house. The door slid close. It was the same door everyday she had seen close but that day the door that shut felt final. It was like somewhere in her heart, a door was slammed shut forever. Tears that she held back rolled down her face.

* * *

She knew he only existed in her mind but he had been her constant companion since... well since her life had gone to hell. He was there when she opened her eyes to a lifetime without SAM. He was there when they striped her of everything core to her identity on Heleus. He was there through every fight she got into, every punch she threw, every blow she got in return. He watched her six when she had nobody else. If her father wasn’t a figment of her imagination or defective mind, Ryder might have found it ironic to have him with her constantly now that he was dead. There was so much left unsaid between father and daughter. Even if she asked him now, he would never answer. He never talked. 

_Damn. This shit is making me emotional._ Ryder shook her head to clear her mind. The weather was good. The day was still young. She had salvage to find and plenty of things to do. She didn’t need her childhood shit to come visiting. 

Still, Ryder studied her father. He wasn’t his usual judgmental self, no starring and glaring. He looked different. Ryder wasn’t sure if it was because she found a measure of peace on Kadara. The port was more of the same shit when she was jumping from shitty little stations to cold and empty moon bases during her escape. The badlands was different. It was wide, it promised freedom, it gave her choice.

The past couple of months had been a whirlwind of her life being ripped from her own control. Control was something she craved, wanted and needed. Ryder realised she had actually put roots down. Kadara was home now. 

_Home…_

Ryder tried the shape of the word in her head and found it no longer was the hollow feeling that she associated with the Tempest. It was the dusty, sandy and dangerous badlands of Kadara. It was her bike and it was that horrendously huge two level villa she liberated from a pair of Cerberus scientists. 

“Pa,” she called. “Are you coming?”

The figure stopped pacing and turned his attention to her. Ryder realised she never really looked at him, really seen him. She had always focused on his eyes. Her mind always going back to her childhood when she still cared too much, how his eyes always found her wanting. 

He was exactly how she remembered him. Hard eyes, furrowed brows and lips pressed together as if she was constantly on the verge of doing something stupid. _Maybe I am._ Her father didn’t answer. He never did. Without prompting he mounted the bike and sat behind her. Ryder waited for the weight behind to settle. There wasn’t that familiar sinking of a person settling in behind her because she knew he wasn’t really there. Ryder tapped a finger on her omni tool and music began playing from her earpiece. 

_This is redemption, why do I bother at all._

_There's nothing to mention and nothing has changed._

“Let’s go.”

_Still I'd rather be working at something than praying for the rain._

_So I wander on, till someone else is saved._

The hover bike took off, going from 0 to 60 in no seconds flat. _Damn, Wrench did a really good job._ A laugh burst from her lips. A sound so pure and without reservations, a jingle that wasn’t tainted by the events of the past months, it rang out in the wide plains of Kadara. The lone figure on a hover bike speeding across the dusty plains of Kadara, music washing over her as the wind swallowed her wounds, physical and mental. For once Ryder was just free. 

* * *

Life settled into some sort of routine for Ryder. Between time in the badlands and at the workshop with Wrench and Kiba, life wasn’t just barely bearable. It was actually good. Still, the episodes came, the nightmares never left. Ryder collected sunrises and tattoos like she did salvage. Wrench never asked about them. Every time she got a new one, Wrench just squinted at her before returning to what she was doing. 

Then came news about an attack on the Nexus. It was one of those events where you would remember where you were when you heard the news. It was clear in Wrench’s mind. She was working on a mod for the human’s bike. It didn’t have a built in biotic shield like other battle bikes. She didn’t think riding out in the badlands without one was particularly safe. The human would love the mod. Wrench didn’t know why she kept upgrading the human’s bike. The human had kept her bargain, salvage for her picking at a price of her picking. There was no need to keep improving the bike in such minute ways. The bike was more than serviceable by now. Still, Wrench had came to enjoy the strange human’s company. Kiba definitely loved her. 

Then, the chime sounded on her omni tool, indicating there was breaking news. Wrench had made a habit of keeping up with the news though most of it didn’t concerned her, she liked to know what was going on in the wider world. That’s one reason she actually joined the Initiative. 

As Wrench scanned the headlines, the human was packing her supplies, heading back out into the badlands again. “See you in a bit,” she told Wrench as she left. 

Wrench’s silence wasn’t her usual nonchalance but it was one of shock and surprise. The news story was so fresh it lacked the usual vid of a reporter speaking to the screen or any footage. Wrench glanced at the byline, it was written by Keri T’Vessa. She was a level-headed journalist that wrote balanced articles but to Wrench’s eyes, the news was almost unbelievable.

**An attack on the Leadership by the turian Pathfinder**

_The turian Pathfinder, Avitus Rix was recalled to the Nexus recently by the Leadership. Witnesses say Pathfinder Rix attacked the Director of Colonial Affairs, Foster Addison, moments after the meeting was convened. Nexus’ Superintendent Nakmor Kesh injured in the attempt to subdue Pathfinder Rix. He has been arrested, awaiting investigation and trial. More details coming forthcoming._

* * *

Ryder glanced at her omni tool as she descended to the slums level. She kept her eyes open whenever she was here, people here were desperate. She was once one of them and she knew the length people would go for some credits. Then, her omni tool chimed. It was Kaetus. _What the fuck does he want?_

She tapped and launched the message. Her eyes scanned through the message quickly. It was another job, he wanted her back as part of security for the next race day. That’s in a week or so. Ryder typed a quick reply back to him, stating she would be back in the port then. “As long as you keep Dex far away from me,” she typed. “Then, we’ll be fine.”

The gatekeeper nodded at her as she pushed her bike through the gates. As they slid shut behind her, Ryder left the weigh of the port fell off her shoulders. Mounting up, she had a smile on her face as she rode out. The wind tickling her scalp through the vents of her helmet. Her head throbbed slightly from the new tattoo. All the while oblivious as the world around spun on. 

* * *

The news arrived in the form of an urgent summon on the Tempest. Cora stared at her terminal, disbelief written all over her face. 

“Goddess!” she exclaimed as she sat heavily down on her chair. 

“Are you all right?” Scott asked as hurried over to Cora’s side. 

She just gestured at the terminal. Scott’s eyes widened as he took in the information. “This is... this is exactly what happened to Sara!”

Scott gripped Cora by the shoulders. “Are they going to investigate properly this time? Maybe... maybe this time, they will do it properly.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

“The news is they’re going to ground the Pericles for now while Rix is being held. I don’t know what they would do.”

Their eyes met but neither spoke what’s clearly on their minds. Scott looked away first, his fists clenched as he let out an explosively breath. Cora coaxed Scott’s hand to relax as she laced her fingers between his. “We’ll find her. I swear we will. Vetra has put out feelers with her contacts,” she whispered as she pulled him close. “We will find her.”

Scott nodded against her shoulder. “I need to let Kallo know to take us back to the Nexus and the rest need to be briefed as well,” she said as she withdrew her fingers. 

* * *

Jaal just got back from another mission on Havarl. The Roekaar had been growing steadily more active throughout Heleus but they found particular traction among on Havarl. There had been intel of similar growth on Kadara but Evfra deemed Kadara not a priority location so off to Havarl Jaal went. He disrupted one of the largest supply depot the Roekaar had established there. 

Jaal was tired as he walked off the ship, the last of the squad. The others were already heading back to the barracks. Plans were being made for celebratory drinks at the Tavetaan. “Jaal!” one of his squad mates called. “Join us later?”

He didn’t hear her until de Ivfa waved her arms to catch his attention. Jaal turned the music off from his visor. It was music he had transferred from the Tempest’s shared media. Old world music from Earth, _her_ music. But still Jaal enjoyed the strange vocal intonation of the music that took 600 years to get here. _It’s objectively interesting._

Jaal raised his brow ridges at her. “Drinks? Later?” his squad mate asked again. 

“Maybe, de Ivfa,” Jaal replied, shifting his rifle into a more comfortable position on his back.

“That’s what you always say but you never do,” she chided. “You need to live a little. And call me Mali.”

With a wave, Mali turned to catch up with the others. Jaal was tired. He just wanted a shower before anything else. He wasn’t the team leader for this particular mission but Evfra would probably want his take on things regardless. His heavy feet took him back his apartment when a ping on his omni tool distracted him. 

Dropping his rifle onto its rightful position, he tapped on his omni tool. His eyes took in the headline. His heart thudded hard against his chest. For a second, his body responded by giving him a surge of adrenaline. With slightly shaky hands he tapped his omni tool, bringing up a vid on the news report. 

“Turian Pathfinder Avitus Rix attacked the Council just hours ago. This comes hot on the heels of the Bloody Blade’s own attack. Are they working together? Or is this just a coincidence?” the HNS reporter said. 

The vid cut to a footage of Rix being escorted, his hands restrained behind his back with a pair of omni-cuff. Jaal stared. His sluggish thoughts kicked into gear. _What does this mean?_

He rubbed his face with with both his hands. _Could it really been out of her control? It’s a medical issue? Something to do with the SAM implant? Was it unstable?_

Jaal thumped his fist on the table before him. He was sitting at the low table where he had cooked angara cuisine for her a lifetime ago. He glanced to his right half expecting to see her here. Just minutes ago, his world was black and white, now it’s all grey. _Have I wronged her?_

**Lyrics taken from[We don't Eat by James Vincent McMorrow](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Fpf5a5fGDWSHNj1iIPc5W)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)


	31. Ryder’s Big Headache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rider, you need help,” he said. “We need to get you to Nakamoto.”
> 
> He had attempted this yesterday while they were travelling back to her villa in the middle of nowhere. All he got was a glare then, now after hours and hours of agony, he didn’t even get a response. Rider had barely registered his presence. That did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter this week. And because hurt/comfort is totally my thing, this is one of my favourite chapters to write. 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I really appreciate it.

Dex was at his wits’ end. She had been groaning and whimpering in between bouts of muffled screams when it got too much. _It’s all my fault, all my fault._ Dex opened the door and entered Rider’s room. She was lying on the bed, blanket and pillow all thrown to the floor. Her body curled into a tight ball with her left hand pressed against the side of her head.

“Rider, you need help,” he said. “We need to get you to Nakamoto.”

He had attempted this yesterday while they were travelling back to her villa in the middle of nowhere. All he got was a glare then, now after hours and hours of agony, he didn’t even get a response. Rider had barely registered his presence. That did it. She would usually send him away with a hard look. Her body language usually made things clear but if he was ever in doubt her words that came after would clear things right up. This ball of pain was no longer able to make any decisions. 

Dex left the room. The first thing he checked was the hover bike. He had made sure to charge the old batteries. Swapping the spent ones with fresh batteries was quick work. He unloaded all the scraps that Ryder had picked up the day before from the bike. _Can she even keep herself on the bike?_ Dex shook his head and wheeled the bike out of the garage. Going back into the garage he found the cart that she used to haul larger pieces. He hooked that onto the back of the bike and double checked the coupling to make sure things were steady. He couldn’t afford for things to fall apart half way back to the port. This was an emergency. 

His hands were filled with ration bars and bottles of drinking water. He piled them into the cart before returning to Rider’s room. She had her face turned into the mattress, her mouth open in a silent scream. Dex hesitated approaching, the last time he did that she threw a Shockwave at him. He bent his legs just in case he need to jump out of the way. “Hey Rider,” he called, his hand grabbing hers hesitantly. 

Rider just groaned in response. Even her usual knee jerk reaction was gone, she definitely needed medical attention and soon. Dex tried to be gentle as he pulled her to her feet. Then quick as a flash she pulled the pistol she still had holstered to her hip. Her left hand against her head, her right holding her pistol surprisingly steady. She blinked as she recognised Dex. Rider panted and then pressed the muzzle against her head. 

“It’s too much, too much,” she muttered. “I can’t take it anymore. Just kill me.”

“No!” Dex shouted. “Come on, Rider. Just let me help.”

Rider looked at Dex, her face scrunched up in pain and confusion. Her eyes seemed to be looking at something behind his shoulder. “Come on, you just need to hold on a little while. Nakamoto can fix you,” he coaxed as he kept a close eye on her trigger finger. 

Somehow that seemed to amused her and she snorted in derision. “I can’t be fixed. I’m too broken.”

Her eyes were still fixed on a point behind his shoulder. He didn’t know what she was seeing but she dropped the pistol as if it burnt her. Dex was there to catch her just before she went crashing to the ground. He pulled Rider’s arm over his shoulder and helped her to the bike. She made to get on the bike but Dex tugged her towards the cart. It took some work but he managed to get her into the cart. His talons punctured one of the bottled water and it was leaking all over. Rider picked it up and drank through the hole. Dex was about to hand her a ration bar when he saw the look she was levelling at him. 

With a squeak, he left her. Dex hopped onto the bike and with a press of his talon against the ignition the Mass Effect core hummed. He turned to check on Ryder, she had her back against the corner of the cart. Legs tight against her chest, her hand still pressed against her head. A small trickle of blood rolling from of her nose. Now that was definitely not normal for humans. There was no time to lose. He twisted the throttle and the bike lurched into motion. 

* * *

Dex barged into Nakamoto’s office and unceremoniously announced he needed help. Nakamoto took one look at the pale, sweating human he had with him, Nakamoto pointed him to the nearest available gurney. “Come on, Rider. We’re here. Nakamoto can help you.”

Ryder just promptly curled into a ball on the gurney. She had clenched her teeth so hard he was sure it was ground to dust in her mouth. “What happened?” Nakamoto asked, directing the question at Dex.

Ryder kept her mind on the pain since she was in no position to answer or rather the pain insisted on her full attention. “She was having a bad headache since last night.”

“Headache?” Nakamoto asked incredulously. “This is what a headache looks like to you, Dex? This is not a headache or even a migraine.”

Ryder let out a long groan. She wanted so much to scream and scream but it wouldn’t help other than to give voice to the pain radiating from the old scar. She should have knew better than to activate the gravity well. _No good deed goes unpunished._ Lexi had warned her back during the fight with the Archon. Back them, she had no choice, the Archon had the Hyperion and Scott but yesterday? Who was in danger really? Dex? _He can survive a day or two down in the hole for his stupidity and serves him right for it. No! Be the hero, save the stupid turian from his stupidity. Activate the fucking console. Look where that got you._ Ryder let out another groan. 

“Help her!” Dex cried, distressed to see Ryder in such pain. 

Nakamoto looked at Ryder, his eyes narrowing. He brought up his omni tool and started scanning her. If she wasn’t in such agony she would have laughed at the familiar gesture. Nakamoto cursed under his breath as he moved closer to Ryder. “Put your hand down,” he instructed.

Ryder couldn’t bring herself to let go of her head. It was the only thing that was keeping her brain in her head. She was sure her brain was ready to leak from her ears. “I can’t help if I can’t see what’s wrong.”

Ryder curled into a smaller ball, her hand tighter against her head. “Grab her arm, Dex.”

Ryder felt talons on her arm, forcing it away from her head. Somehow the pain managed to amplify, she screamed. The talons dug into her arm. “Hurry, doc!”

Nakamoto took the scans he needed and in the end he shook his head. “My equipment here are not good enough to do a proper deep scan of her brain.”

“You can’t help her?”

Dex let go of her hand and it went straight back to her head. “No, doc. You’re my last hope! She’ll die!”

“The only thing we could do is to sedate her and hopes her body corrects what’s wrong by itself. She could ride out the pain that way,” Nakamoto suggested. 

Dex turned to Ryder and asked, “Hey Rider, you hear that. We’ll put you under. Is that ok?”

Ryder wanted relief, regardless what form it took. Anything was better than this constant agony. Nakamoto worked fast, he got Dex to hold Ryder’s arm down again as he started an IV line. He prepped the syringe of sedative and injected into the IV port. It took a while but slowly Ryder’s features relaxed and her death grip on her head loosen. “Come on, put her on her side,” Nakamoto said, handing Dex a bolster. 

Dex looked lost with the long tubular pillow. Nakamoto sighed exasperatedly. “Turn her.”

Dex pushed Ryder onto her side, rolling her so that her left side was up. Nakamoto tucked the bolster between her legs and put her left hand over it. Then, he tossed Dex an ice pack. He pointed at the scar along Ryder’s head. “Keep that area iced.”

Nakamoto turned his back on him and busied himself with his other patients. Dex pulled a nearby stool next to Ryder’s gurney. He sank into it in a daze. Looking at the scar now, he realised it was a neat line but so red and angry. He cocked his head and realised that Ryder had tattooed words right along the scar. Dex bent closed to take a look when Nakamoto shouted, “What did I say? Keep her head iced!”

“Yes, sir!” Dex said, immediately put the ice pack over Ryder’s head. 

* * *

Dex replaced the ice pack religiously as soon as it was no longer effective. He had a cloth ready at the same to wipe the condensation off Rider’s head. Going by his chronometer, it had been three hours. A groan jerked his attention back to his charge. Rider was stirring. _Didn’t doc say she would be out for at least six hours?_

Dex glanced up and saw Nakamoto was busy with another patient who was thrashing about in his gurney. Rider groaned again, her hand moving up towards her head. 

_It hurts, my head fucking hurts_ She opened her eyes, everything was a smear. She couldn’t quite make out where she was. There was only one thing clear in her vision - her father. He wasn’t in his usual nonchalant leaning against the nearest wall pose. His eyes weren’t judging but concerned, more importantly scared. _Shit, the ghost I carry in my head is scared for me._

The pressure in her head was close to unbearable again. Where was the relief of unconsciousness before? “Make it stop…” she begged. 

Someone was shouting for the doctor. _Yes please. If only to put me out of my misery._ Then she felt someone tugged her hand from her head and a sweet ice cold relief rushed into her veins. 

* * *

“You didn’t think to tell me she is a biotic?” Nakamoto demended. 

“Err…” Dex stammered sheepishly. “I didn’t know it made a difference.”

“Well it did,” Nakamoto said, as he scanned his omni tool over Ryder again. 

Dex watched as Nakamoto filled another syringe to inject into Ryder’s IV port. “What’s that for?” he asked curiously. 

“Her fever,” Nakamoto replied without looking at Dex, concentrating on his task. 

“You mean humans are not supposed to feel this warm?” 

“Dex, you can’t use turian standards to measure a human. This is all fine for a turian but for a human, it’s literally boiling her from the inside.” Nakamoto explained. “So this is supposed to put her out for six hours. If her condition doesn’t improve by then, we’ll have to discuss alternatives. We can’t just knock her out forever and hope for the best.”

Dex nodded, fear creeping under his plates. _Did I kill the only person who can teach me?_ “Get that hover bike off the front of my clinic now. I’ll watch her for you.” 

Dex scrambled to his feet. He had completely forgotten about Rider’s bike. _If anything were to happen to it, she’ll kill me! If she survives. I hope she does. Oh spirits…_

* * *

As soon as Dex left, Nakamoto checked on his other patients. Most of his patients were the out-patient kind. All most of them needed was some medicine and medigel and they’ll be set. There weren’t many like Rider that probably needed a proper hospital. On Kadara it’s either him or take your chances with medicine peddled in dark alley ways. 

Nakamoto was curious. This Rider person looked familiar to him. The appearance didn’t quite gel with his memory. He pulled the ice pack off her head and looked at the scar. There was a long line of characters running along the side of her head using the scar as a line to sit on. “Hmmm,” he hummed as he looked at the letters. 

**SAM. SR. JAD.**

The alphabets didn’t really make sense to him. Judging by the length of scar left un-tattooed, the tattoo wasn’t completed yet. Nakamoto took a closer look at the redness around the scar, the swelling seemed to be going away. Hopefully, that meant he didn’t have to discuss _alternatives_ with Dex, because he didn’t have any. However, if his feeling was right, there were others far better equipped who could help this particular patient. 

By the time Dex returned, Nakamoto had an good inkling just who was lying in his clinic knocked out. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with the information just yet. _Maybe it’s time for pay back?_ The last time he had any contact with her ended up with Oblivion being the de-facto drug of choice here in Kadara.

* * *

Right on the dot, six hours later, Ryder started to stir again. This time she woke up with only a pounding headache and not the head splitting one she arrived with. She hated being sedated. It always left her tired and groggy, not something that’s entirely safe. Now that she was awake, all she wanted was her villa out in the badlands. 

Ryder didn’t really pay attention to what Nakamoto was telling Dex. She lurched to her feet and started to made for the exit. “Rider,”

the doctor called. “Here.”

He handed her a couple of tablets. She cocked her head at him. “Painkillers for the headache,” he explained. 

“How much?” she asked as she gestured at the gurney she was occupying previously. 

Obviously something like that wasn’t going to be cheap, especially on Kadara. _Fuck, it’s always about credits isn’t it?_ Nakamoto looked at her. “We’ll tally up when you’re not still groggy,” he said. “Ryder.”

She stiffened before hiding it by rolling her shoulders. Nakamoto had placed a particular emphasis on the nickname or was it her name? It sounded the same but yet filled with meaning. She nodded once and said, “Thanks doc.”

“Where’s my bike?” she asked, glaring at Dex.

“I left it at Wrench’s.”

Before Dex finished speaking Ryder was walking away. She wanted her own bed and the first thing was to get her bike. Then, home. _Shit, Kadara is home now._ She had promised herself she couldn’t put roots down anywhere. She had to keep moving. It was what? Just three short? long? months since her escape. Was it three months already? Could she imagine a life here? The scary thing was Ryder could totally see it. Kadara wasn’t bad once she got used to it and not constantly starving. She had people she cared about and vice versa. Ryder glanced at the turian boy trudging behind her. _Yes, even him._

Nakamoto’s words did send a chill down her spine. Their last contact didn’t go entirely well. It was during the first couple months of being Pathfinder. She thought she had things figured out and she screwed up big time. This was one of those situation that she didn’t really spend much time thinking about once the whole Kett situation blew up. Now that she’s back here she could see how her decision affected people. Oblivion was everywhere. 

Would she have to run? Could she hear him out? Convince him? Ryder rubbed her scar again. Dex with his sharp turian eyes noticed. “Is it still hurting?” he asked quickly. 

“Dex, I’m fine,” she said over her shoulder. _Fuck, why is the workshop so far today?_

Ryder never did stick around one place for more than a couple of weeks and she’s on Kadara for what, three whole months. _Fuck._ Pushing the line of thought out of her mind, she braced herself as they came into view of Wrench’s workshop. The white ball of fur and tongue came rushing out towards her. Ryder had her arms out and legs spread and took the hit to her chest. Kiba was all happy licks and tail thumping joy. “All right, all right, girl,” she said, staggering a little under the onslaught. 

Once Kiba was satisfied, she was contented to allow Ryder and Dex to head into Wrench’s workshop. Wrench looked as Ryder walked in. Her eyes met Dex’s. _This again, with the looks._ Ryder ignored it and asked, “Where’s my bike?”

Wrench gestured with the screw driver she was holding. Ryder walked over and was checking it over. Dex hovered nearby hoping Ryder didn’t find something he had done wrong. She was mostly satisfied until she realised the core was missing. Dex couldn’t have remove it. She turned and glared at the salarian. “Where’s the core?”

Again another gesture with a tool pointed Ryder to a work table with a mini mass effect core dismantled. “What the fuck?” she demanded. 

Wrench pointed at her then pointed at the room that they had been using as her lock room. “I’m not having an episode, Wrench. I just want to get home,” she said.

“You need rest. You look like shit,” Weench replied while her head buried in the guts of a Nomad. 

“Looking like shit is my default,” Ryder replied flatly. 

“Shut up and go to bed.”

Ryder turned her glare onto Dex as if it was somehow his fault. In her mind in a way it was. Stubbornly, she sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. Dex wrung his talons helplessly and glanced at Wrench. The mechanic just shook her head and shrugged. 

* * *

“What happened?” Wrench asked, she glanced at the human snoring lightly as she slept.

With a twist of annoyance, she realised her dog was curled up next to the stubborn human. _My dog and she curls up next to someone else._ Dex looked from the human to Wrench. She shook her head at Dex. She knew Dex in the passing before the human came tracking in with the turian the last time. He was always alone hanging out in the markets. She had no idea how he had been getting food and the like. He never looked half starved like the human did. She figured he had family on Kadara. He was normally surly and angsty like a teenager of any species. Since he met Rider, he had changed completely. He practically was hero worshipping the human. Dex had been dogging the human’s steps demanding to be trained in biotics though he had kept away since she made her feelings very clear on that subject.

Dex’s mandibles spreaded wide, cocking his head as he did so, in a facial version of a human shrug. “I was checking out some Remant site a couple of days back.”

Wrench folded her arms smelling bullshit. “Really?”

“Yes!” Dex exclaimed before clapping his hands over his mouth plates and glanced at Rider. She didn’t even stir.

“Well, maybe I was trying to locate Rider’s hideout and then I got distracted.”

“That’s more likely,” she mused. “Why exactly must she be the one to train you in your biotics?”

“She’s awesome! She threw a Eiroch! Who else could do that? I want to learn from the best.”

Wrench couldn’t fault that sentiment. After all, if you were going to invest your time in learning why not learn from the best? She had never personally seen the human done anything impressive but she had never been out in the badlands with her. Here in the port, a pistol and a willingness to use was more than enough. 

“So you got distracted by the site then what happened?”

“Well there were still a few assemblers there when I was approaching on foot. I was busy finding cover then I just fell down a hole.”

“So I assume you didn’t seriously injure yourself and you were crying for help?”

Dex nodded, sitting down on the only surface not cluttered with parts or tools. “I didn’t know how long I was down there, hours at least. It was practically sundown when I heard Rider calling down.”

* * *

**Roughly 24 hours ago**

Dex felt the despair after hours and hours of shouting. He fell without any supplies on him. It was just him and his omni tool. Who was he going to call? He had no friends, no family. Kaetus? Who was he kidding? He was just a courier, easily replaceable one when they train another. 

Dark thoughts started to crowd his mind. He tried to pull on his biotics and all he got was a splutter and it faded. “What the fuck is the use of this sprits damned power?” he shouted. 

Memories of being ridiculed and bullied in school came back to him. Biotic and turian were not two words that went well together. It usually meant one of two things. Exile or the Cabal. Dex didn’t want that but if he refused to submit himself to the Cabal, his parents, his clan would have to suffer the consequences. Dex did the next best thing he could, he ran away. He ran all the way to Heleus. 

_That turned out well, didn’t it?_

Then, after arriving to the shit hole that’s Heleus and getting exiled to Kadara was just another step in his life. Dex was more than capable to keep ing himself fed and clothed. Credits, no problem. Bullies, no problem. 

But this? A spirits damned hole? He couldn’t deal with it. There was no bargaining, no promises he could make, no favours he could trade. Dex was going to die because he was stupid. A sharp keen escaped his mouth plates as reality came crashing down on him. 

_I’m going to die and nobody would even care._

He didn’t know how long he wallowed in his misery. Then, he heard a noise from above. _Someone’s here!_ “Hey!” he shouted. “Down here!”

Silhouetted against sky, all Dex could make out was a dark odd shape. “Hey! Help!”

The shape roared once down at him. _Spirits that’s just an adhi._ Dex sank back down onto his knees. “I’m doomed!” he yelled, mandibles flaring. 

Then there was a bang, the adhi’s head exploded. The body slid and fell down towards him. With a yelp, Dex jumped out of the way. He couldn’t even revel in his misfortune in peace. This time a more familiar shape was silhouetted the darkening sky. “That you Dex?” the voice called down. 

“Yes! Yes! Get me out of here!”

“How did you get there?” the figure asked, Dex finding the voice familiar.

“Fell.”

“Huh, such a big hole and still you fell in?”

“…”

“Thought so,” the figure said. 

“Rider? Are you Rider?” he asked instead. 

The figure ignored the question. He heard footsteps walking away from the hole. “Rider, please don’t leave me here! Rider!”

It was a long while, long enough that Dex was convinced she was going to let him die. _I was too annoying and I am going to die for it._ Then, foot steps came back towards the hole. “How old are you anyway, Dex? Did anyone tell you that you whine like a kid?”

“Sloane never complained,” he retorted as relief washed over him. “Neither did Kaetus. And I’m 15!”

“Did you pester them like you did me?”

“…”

“Thought so,” she replied. “Here.”

She flung one end of a rope down towards it. Dex watched hopefully as it unfurled towards him. It stopped more than 10 metres too high for him. “Fuck,” he heard her cursed. “I can’t give you more rope.”

Dex’s mandibles went slack and fluttered anxiously. He did his best to give her puppy dog eyes the husky was so good at. Maybe it was too far for her to see, or he was doing it wrong. “Could you lift yourself biotically up towards the rope?” she asked. 

“I can’t,” Dex said angrily this time. “You refused to train me.”

He heard her sigh loudly. He couldn’t see her expression from this distance but he figured she had her lips pursed and her brows furrowed as she considered the problem. _As long she don’t say fuck it and walk away. I don’t care what she does._

Finally she said. “I’ll give it a try but I am totally out of practise. This is the same as throwing the Eiroch but I don’t do gentle stuff well,” she said. “Do you want to give it a go?”

“Anything, Rider. I can’t stay here. I’ll die!”

She grunted in response. Blue flames sheathed her body as she extended a hand towards him. Dex felt his body lift slowly from the ground. At first, it was going so well till her control slipped and Dex felt himself being thrown up towards the exit. His talons clawed ineffectually at the air, hopping to catch the rope but he was still too low. Gravity re-asserted itself and he was falling. “Argh!” he screamed, bravado thrown out of the window. 

Then just as he was going to slam into the ground, her biotics coiled around him like a lash, jerking his body to an abrupt stop. Dex swore he got whiplash from that. Then, the biotics vanished as quickly as it came, dropping him onto the ground with a thump. “Let’s not try that again,” Dex said as he caught his breath. 

His heart seemed to have caught on it had almost died and was hammering in his chest. There was no response from Rider. He looked up and found she wasn’t looking down the hole. _Where did she go?_

The seconds ticked by. Dex’s neck was sore from looking upwards. He rubbed his talons over his plates as the evening chill set in. _Did she leave?_ Then, there was a guttural cry coming from outside, it started long and low and culminated in a loud and high pitched shriek of pain. After that silence. Dex froze. _What in the spirits was that?_

All of a sudden he heard a rumble and then he was rising up. Light as a feather and gentle as a mother’s hug, he floated up and up. Over the hole which closed after his feet cleared. The energy released him, dropping him lightly on his feet. Dex could almost cry being free again and out in the open badlands of Kadara. 

_Where’s Rider?_

His sharp predator eyes picked out his bike and hers not far from the site but he couldn’t find her. A low moan came from somewhere to the side, he drew his pistol and went to investigate. It was Rider, she’s on the ground, leaning against a remnant console. 

She was breathing through clenched teeth and holding her hand over her scar. Her face was entirely screwed up in pain. She didn’t register his presence when he drew near. “Rider, are you all right? What happened?”

All he got was another whimper of pain. She made to stand up but the effort was too much. Dex caught her before she face-planted on the ground. Any other day he would have laughed his ass off but today seeing Ryder incapacitated like this scared him. 

“Home…” she hissed. 

Dex pulled her arm over his shoulder and helped her to her bike. “Where? Where’s your home?” He asked frantically. 

Her hand shakily tapped on her omni tool and his chimed in response moments later. It was a nav-point, easy enough for him to find now that he knew where it was. Her entire weight was slumped against his back as they sped across the Kadara plains in the dying light of the day. Dex shivered slightly as her right hand gripped his sensitive waist like a vice. 

_Spirits, shit… Shit… Oh fucking spirits!_

He prayed his plates wouldn’t react. When he got them safely to her home, he realised he was looking at a two level high pre-fab. _How is it she is living in such a huge house?_ As he put the brakes on the bike and it jerked to a stop, Ryder slipped from the seat and fell off. Dex hurried to her side. He dragged her to her feet as she squeezed her eyes shut. Unlocking the door took many tries as Ryder’s hand was too unsteady to do it properly. 

Once inside, Ryder staggered into a room and she slammed the door shut. Dex stood in the middle of this almost completely empty villa of a house unsure what to do. His eyes wide as he took in his environment. This was hardly a home, it’s more like a shelter. Something to lay your head down to sleep, maybe a storeroom given the amount of junk around. He wasn’t sure if he had an invitation to stay, glancing out a window, it was practically pitch black out there. It was probably not safe to head out. He’ll need a ride to go pick up his bike anyway. If Rider wanted to yell at him tomorrow, that’s up to her. For now, all Dex wanted to do was sleep. 

* * *

“Then, the rest you know,” Dex said, concluding his tale. 

His throat was parched. How long had he been talking? Wrench’s large eyes narrowed slightly and glanced at the human who was still sleeping. “A Remnant console you say?” 

Dex nodded, getting up to get a drink of water for himself. Kiba shifted and laid her head on Ryder’s thigh and a paw over her calf in a seemingly protective gesture. Wrench just watched and mused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)


	32. Ships Passing in the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What did Tann say?” he asked. “Is the Pericles grounded?”
> 
> Cora sighed, her tension came flooding back. “Yes, but they are not going to remove Rix’s implant. Tann’s not risking it again.”
> 
> Scott grunted. Both of them know what _it_ is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos from last week. I totally appreciate that. I have new pieces of art done but I've not decided when best to release them. New chapter and things are happening. Imagine some training montage in one of the later scene in this chapter. 
> 
> This should be a 3 chapter release week again.

Ryder blinked sleep from her eyes. What the hell was she doing on the floor? She rolled her shoulders, it was stiff from sleeping in an awkward position. Her scar was sore but it wasn’t blindingly painful anymore. 

She was surprised she managed to even activate the Remnant console though she won’t be doing that anytime soon. Ryder just tried it on a whim, completely sure that nothing would happen. The sharp spear that lanced through her brain, starting from underneath her scar, radiating out through her head, was a clear indication something happened. _Wasn’t SAM the conduit between me and the Remnant?_

The gravity well activated and out popped Dex. _Yay for the turian._ Ryder rubbed her scar and grunted. It’s not a mystery she’ll get to solve anytime soon if ever. That had almost ended her. _Would my brain just fry if Nakamoto didn’t sedate me?_ Ryder would be happy never going near anymore Rem-tech again.

Then she remembered the conversation she had with Nakamoto. _Shit. I’ve got to talk to him._ Ryder stood up and stretched, her spine popping. Spotting a turian fringe peeking out from the sofa, she bent over to find Dex snoring lightly. _What the hell am I supposed to do with him?_

The thought of training Dex made her mouth twist with distaste. It’s not that she didn’t like him per se but gods he was so irritating. _Won’t giving in teach him that pestering works?_ Ryder heard a subtle throat clearing sound. She looked up and found Wrench looking at her with a ration bar in her hand. “What are you going to do with him?”

The salarian unwittingly echoing her thoughts. Ryder shrugged as she pocketed the bar. Walking over to the sink, she started splashing some water on her face. “He did save your life,” Wrench pointed out. 

With a toothbrush between her teeth, Ryder replied. “He put it in danger in the first place.”

“Yeah, he’s lucky that the person who stopped for him can activate Remnant consoles, huh?”

Ryder paused mid-brush but recovered by spitting the foam out. If Wrench wasn’t watching for it, she wouldn’t have caught it. Ryder rinsed her mouth and wiped her mouth with the back of hand. “He told you that?” she snorted in a show of nonchalance. “I didn’t know what happened but it just activated on its own.”

“And somehow you got a massive headache from it.”

“Yeah,” Ryder answered, her earlier civility gone. 

Her brown eyes hard on Wrench as if daring the salarian to call her out on the outright lie. Wrench just shrugged. “If you say so.”

Ryder kept her eyes on Wrench for a beat before unwrapping her bar. She took a big bite off it and started chewing. “Back to my question, what are you going to do with him?”

“I’m not decided yet,” she muttered through a full mouth. 

Kiba was watching the exchange before finally getting impatient. She whined. Wrench looked down at the dog and sighed. She turned to the tiny pantry. Kiba perked up at the sound of a can opening. Ryder walked over to the sofa where Dex was still snoring away. He was curled on his side. She ran her hand down the back of his neck and probed with her fingers. Dex’s neck was mostly plated but there was a soft spot between plates where there should be a telltale stiff spot. Ryder ran her hand over her own neck and quickly found the spot at the base of her skull. Wrench watched with a smirk on her face. _Not decided my ass. Why are you checking him for an amp if you’re not decided?_

Dex barely stirred through everything. Ryder stood up and declared, “I’ve got some errands to run.”

Wrench didn’t answer. She just watched as the human left. 

* * *

“I was expecting you soon but not quite so soon,” Nakamoto said. 

He was sitting in front of a table with bottles of pills heaped in a pile in front of him. His clinic was strangely empty this morning. Nakamoto was busy cataloguing the pills and securing them in locked boxes.

Ryder just shrugged. “I thought this was something I had to get over with sooner rather than later,” she replied. 

The doctor eyed the pistol at her hip. Ryder had since purchased a lefty holster and got rid of the ratty one she had previously. “Get over not with that, I hope,” he said as his hand slid slowly under the table, feeling for the shotgun he stashed there. 

Ryder drew her pistol but he was too slow to the draw. “You’ve changed,” he said. 

Then he realised she wasn’t aiming at it him, Ryder had her pistol’s grip facing him. Nakamoto flinched as Ryder barked a laugh, harsh and biting. “That’s an understatement,” she said. “You can hold on to my pistol while we talk if that makes you feel better.”

Nakamoto took the offered pistol and slid it into a drawer before leaning forward. “Let’s talk.”

“Let’s.”

* * *

Ryder left Nakamoto’s with a lighter step. He wasn’t about to broadcast her location to the cluster. Ryder was inclined to take him at his word. After all, she did screw up badly over Oblivion. She should have trusted him then and took the formula from Farenth. _One of the many mistakes as Pathfinder._ Ryder figured this time, she would trust him. He did save her life after all. “You’ll owe me one,” Nakamoto said. “A big one.”

Ryder sighed. _Where did I hear that line before?_ “Fine,” she replied nodding. 

It was more than fair. Nakamoto checked his omni tool after she transferred credits to him as payment for her treatment. As Ryder left, she asked, “Can you do amp implants?”

Nakamoto raised his eyebrows. “Why?” he asked. “You have yours. Who needs one?”

“Asking for a friend.”

“Sure why not. It’s not too difficult. It’s a simple enough procedure.” 

Ryder went shopping after that. As she browsed around in the stalls, credits exchanged hands and she was laden with a heavy box filled with stuff. Ryder caught a familiar set of silver-grey fringe and plates lurking around the corner. Normally, she would just ignore his presence. Not today. She made her way towards him. Dex shrank back into his corner thinking he was hidden. Ryder stopped right next to him. He had his eyes averted, looking anywhere else but at her. Ryder tapped on his shoulder insistently. Dex sighed knowing there was no way to avoid Ryder. 

“Ahh… Hi, Rider,” he greeted. 

Ryder glared at him just on principle before softening her gaze. “Hold this,” she said as she pushed the box into his arms. 

“Ahhh?” he spluttered as he struggled to keep his balance. 

“Follow.”

Ryder turned and walked off without waiting. She struggled to keep a small smile from gracing her face. _I think I can actually get used to this. Imagine that, getting a younger brother just like that._

* * *

Dex followed along. Hope flared in his chest. She was actually talking to him! She was actually asking him for help! Maybe, just maybe she would actually train him too. 

Biotics was what drove him from home. Dex had never looked upon what he had as a gift. It was a plague that marked him different from his peers. If he could purge himself of it, he would. Life had taught him to look out for number one. Kadara just reinforced his views tenfold. 

Rider was like a bolt of lightning that flashed across his life. _She stuck her neck out for me! After what I’ve done? I wouldn’t have pissed on me if I am on fire. Of course, it didn’t hurt that she was a powerful biotic and she did things such style!_

He could still see how that Eiroch flew over his head. It was a sight that Dex never thought was possible. He was more than a little in awe of Rider. 

When they got back to Wrench’s, Dex dumped the box onto the floor. “Stow them into the bike,” she instructed. “We’ll need them soon.”

_We? We? Spirits! Did she say we?_

* * *

Ryder got Dex hooked up with an amp. She made sure it was one that was tried and tested, not one of those cheap experimental models. “Ahh...” Dex cleared his throat, looking at his credit balance on his omni tool and the price of the amp. 

Ryder sighed. She checked hers and baulked. Combining their remaining credits, they would just barely be able to afford it. She looked at Nakamoto. “Discount?”

Nakamoto sighed. “You,” He said pointing at Ryder. “Ask too much.”

Still, Nakamoto relented after Ryder got Dex to do his puppy dog eyes at the doctor. The procedure took only a few hours but it knocked Dex out for an entire day, Ryder was there all throughout, not that she didn’t trust Nakamoto. It was just a new found anxiety about going under the knife.

Then it was at least a couple of days of recovery. During which Ryder deeply regretted the decision to train Dex. He was constantly swearing he felt fine, he was ready, he was this, he was that. It took all of Ryder’s self-control not to put him in Stasis just to shut him up. Once Dex had truly recovered, she took him out into the badlands, first to retrieve his bike. Then for training. 

* * *

“See biotics isn’t like a gun with a handle you can hold,” Ryder said as she Pulled the crate he almost dropped off the roof of the villa. “It’s like water, you can shape it, you can contain it but you can never hold it.”

Dex watched as the crate was slowly Pulled back onto the roof. “You make it look so easy!” he accused. “It’s hard!”

Ryder shrugged. They had gone back and forth for ages over this. “It wasn’t always easy for me. You practice, you train and you keep doing it even when you think you got it down.”

She turned and left Dex to his own practice while she did her own. Dex watched as she ran through her exercises. It was always the same. She started with picking up all the rocks and blasting them off the roof. These were rocks she carried up the day before as part of her own physical training. Then it was picking up and re-arranging crates into a single tower, before dismantling them again. “Dex!” Rider said. “Keep your eye on your own stuff. I don’t want to find another squashed Adhi later.”

Dex quickly went back to Pulling his crate. It was frustrating. He would move the crate but it would hover for a couple of seconds before falling. In between his tries, he sneaked a look at Rider again. She was holding a crate in stasis, then two, finally three. She kept them up in the air for a minute, then two. “When will I be able to do that,” he muttered under his breath. 

“When you actually start practising and not staring at me!”

_Spirits, she has sharp ears!_ Dex took a long drink from his bottle of water and turned back to his own practice. His brow plates shifted towards each other as he concentrated. There was a tightening in the core of his being as energy built around him. He could feel it, he was almost vibrating with it. The waves of energy were always there but he merely ignored it most of the time. Now he honed his attention on it. It was like how she had described to him, a water-like quality. _Shape and contain, not hold._ Dex released the energy in a slow and controlled measure. The crate shifted, trembling with the sudden pull. Bit by bit, centimetre by centimetre, it moved upwards. It wasn’t the smooth motion that she had shown him. The crate jerked and moved up in sudden spurts and dropped without warning as well. Dex managed to keep it moving upwards in general. He grinned as he turned to proclaim his success, he found her putting up a shield over a pebble. Dex frowned. _What kind of training is this?_

Sweat started beading on her forehead as she layered on more and more over the pebble. The layers grew larger and larger. The pebble was no longer visible to his eye. The multiple layers of shield shimmered. It was a dizzy effect. Dex blinked as he watched her stepped on the shield. He had expected the shield to fizzle out completely but it held. Dex found himself holding his breath. 

Ryder looked up from her own training to find him starring again. He blinked and his concentration wavered. The crate came crashing down onto the roof with a loud bang. Dex jumped and Ryder just laughed. 

* * *

Cora rubbed her palm over her face. _It’s an utter mess. Rix arrested. This is what, months after Ryder’s trial and subsequent arrest._ She sighed. “Is it wrong to think that I’m glad I’m not the one on trial?” she asked.

They were sitting side by side on the bench that Cora got installed in the meeting room. Her bio lab was sometimes just too cramped for the two of them. Ryder’s Pathfinder Quarters still remained empty. Nobody suggested they take over the room. Even if they did, Cora would never feel right to do so. She sighed. 

Scott shifted from his place on the bench and slid over towards Cora. “Come here,” he said as he guided her to lean against his chest. 

His fingertips pressed into her temples. The pressure was strong and constant. Scott worked his fingers over her scalp, before moving down to her neck and then her shoulders. “You’re stiff all over,” he complained. “You’re undoing all the work I put in.”

“Are you regretting putting in the work?” Cora asked, a smile on her lips as she relaxed under Scott’s ministrations. 

“Never,” he whispered into her ear before nipping the tip. 

Cora shivered, in a good way.

“What did Tann say?” he asked. “Is the Pericles grounded?”

Cora sighed, her tension came flooding back. “Yes, but they are not going to remove Rix’s implant. Tann’s not risking it again.”

Scott grunted. Both of them know what _it_ is.

“Goddess, it’s just one thing after another. I thought we were on the right path. Rix had found a golden world for the turians. Neos-Palavan was supposed to be a good start for them but now this. They are throwing him into jail,” she said. “I’m glad you didn’t go to the trial. It’s... hard to watch.”

Scott didn’t answer. Instead, his fingers attacked a tense muscle. Cora groaned.

“Everyone’s tired. It isn’t just you. We could use some R and R,” Scott hinted, trying to steer the conversation to calmer waters.

Cora hummed, her eyes shut as she started to drift away. Scott smiled and his massage was slowly turning into something else. His fingertips were no longer pressing into the stiff muscle or pressure points, instead, they were just barely touching her arms, skimming the surface of her abdomen just skirting under her chest before reaching to her thighs. When his hands reached her butt, he gave her taut buttocks a firm squeeze. That startled Cora and her eyes flew open. She laughed and smacked him on the chest. “Not here!” she hissed. 

Scott laughed. 

“Yes, I see _you_ can use some R and R!” Cora said. 

“Oh yes, preferably soon,” Scott said, his tone light. “Like later, now, immediately!”

Cora rolled her eyes. “SAM, what’s the nearest port from our current position?”

“That would be Kadara,” SAM replied. “Might I suggest you stop by and visit the Kadara races. There is another one scheduled in tomorrow.”

“That’s a great idea, SAM,” Cora said. “Let Kallo know the change in the course.”

“Acknowledged, Pathfinder,” SAM replied. “ETA to Kadara five hours.”

Cora turned back to Scott. She smiled. Even though, she knew Scott still worried about Ryder. Vetra constantly gave him updates but nothing panned out. It’s just a bunch of dead ends and false hope. Eventually, Scott told Vetra to stop, he couldn’t take the roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Vetra understood. Cora was sure Vetra was still looking for Ryder and she was just doing it discretely.

Scott was brooding less, throwing himself into work, interacting having fun with the crew. Though the dynamics of the crew had changed, Scott was able to mingle with the crew where she had trouble. She wrapped her arms around Scott and gave him a peck on the cheek. 

“What was that for?” he asked startled. 

“Nothing.”

“I would like to investigate this nothing.”

* * *

“Same shit?” Ryder asked. 

Kaetus nodded. “Right, I’ll see you tomorrow at the tracks then,” she said, turning to go. 

She had just returned from her time in the badlands. After spending days with Dex training, she was ready for some non-turian company. Kiba would make for a fine napping buddy right about now. Ryder ran her hand over her tattoo. There was a rather long fuzz growing there. “Damn, time to shave it again.”

Dex was off doing his thing and Ryder told him under no circumstances was he to talk about biotics, training or anything related to the topic. She didn’t want to hear. Ryder, in turn, promised to let him know when she was headed out to the badlands. They parted ways at the slums. 

Ryder had taken care to teach Dex in the basics of Pull, Push, Stasis and Shield. He was a fast learner. All Dex lacked was the practise and concentration to perform instinctively and reliably. _There’s no fix for that other than to train, train, train._

Ryder rolled her eyes at herself. She’s starting to sound like her mentor.

“When are you going to teach me how to do a Shockwave or Charge?” he asked. “I’ve seen you Charge that Eiroch. I want to do that!”

Ryder sighed. _Is he really fifteen? Why does he feel so much like seven at times?_ “Get your shit together. You can hardly do what I’ve already taught you,” she retorted. “Crawl before you walk. Walk before you run. Run before you Charge.”

_God, I really do sound like her._ Ryder sighed as she remembered. _She’s probably dead. Reapers probably got them all._ She sighed, holding her emotions under tight control. It’s was a long time since she even thought about her, the Commander. Heleus had been a non-stop rollercoaster ride since she woke up. _Commander, it’s been an honour._

Dex was crestfallen but determined at the same time. Ryder gave him one of her rare smiles, albeit it probably looked a little stiff. He positively beamed after that. Instantly, she regretted smiling at him. Dex could be too cheerful at times, especially around her. 

* * *

“Docking procedures completed,” Kallo reported. 

“Finally some R and R!” Peebee said. 

Suvi laughed as she took the asari’s hand. “Do you have any plans?”

Peebee smirked. “Always!”

All eyes turned to Cora. “Here’s the rotation for 24 hours of shore leave on Kadara,” she said as she sent the document to everyone. 

Liam groaned. “This isn’t the Nexus, Liam. We have to make sure nobody actually comes and steal the Tempest,” Cora pointed out, forestalling the complaints. “Remember what happened here the last time?”

The last time was just after they hit the Archon’s ship. There was a firefight. Jaal was shot and Ryder was stabbed. _Goddess… way to put your foot in your mouth._

Cora sighed. Nobody seemed to notice her hesitation. She pressed on, “Make sure you travel in pairs. Kadara isn’t the safest place for shore leave.”

Peebee laughed as she smacked a palm on Liam’s shoulder. “I’ll see you later, Liam,” she said as she hooked an arm around Suvi’s, pulling her along. “Let’s get the party started, Suvi.”

Liam and Kallo were the two staying at the Tempest for the first shift. The rest drifted out in pairs as instructed. “All done, Pathfinder?” Scott asked as he entered the bio lab. 

Cora looked up from her terminal. “Just one more report,” she said. 

“No!” Scott protested. “No more reports. According to your own document, you are on shore leave now. And so am I.”

Scott walked over and turned the terminal off over Cora’s groans. “Come on, the race is starting soon. I’ll finish the report for you later.”

* * *

Ryder tapped her feet to her music, watching the crowd. It was still early but the crowd already building, many holding some sort of snack food in their hands. Bookies were screaming their odds and cajoling the crowd to place their bets. By that time, she had cracked the heads of at least two humans for being annoying, two angaras for recruiting and one turian for harassing the humans. One krogan for just chewing too loudly, that one she let off with a warning.

Ryder was bored. Kaetus had placed her with one of the roving squads so she had to contend with the crowds again. It was making her feel a little claustrophobic. _Is there more people here than the previous one?_ She flicked her blade open and close as she kept her eyes on the crowd. There was a small cheer as Sloane and Kaetus ascended the platform. 

Then she caught a familiar male voice just behind her. “You got to give it to Sloane, she knows how to keep the people happy. Drugs, crime and races.”

Ryder’s eyes widened as she pulled her hood of her jacket up. “It isn’t the crime that’s keeping people happy. She has a finger in every pie here. She has the credits, people and the willingness to use both. It’s how she controls everything in the port,” replied a familiar female voice. 

_Scott? Cora?_

Ryder wanted to turn and check. She knew she shouldn’t. She had to go, leave and disappeared. _Did Nakamoto betray me?_

She stood still like a rock in a flowing stream of people. Then a pair of humans, a pair brown-headed male and blonde-headed female dressed in Initiative white brushed past her and merged into the crowd ahead of her. Ryder’s breath was caught in her throat. Her trembling hand clamped over her mouth as she took a deep breath, desperately holding back her voice, keeping it tight in her throat. _Don’t. Don’t._ Gods, did Ryder wanted to walk over to squeeze the life out of her brother. She wanted to wrap her arms around Cora. She just wanted to touch them, to hear their voices, to know everything was ok. She wanted, she wanted but all Ryder did was watched.

The beat pounded in her ears. A deep booming that filled her head and heart. 

_My body is colder_

_Time is frozen_

_All these feelings that poison my soul_

She didn’t dare to trust herself to do the right thing.

_And in silence_

_No I can't stand it_

She wanted to squeeze her eyes shut and tried to will herself away but she just couldn’t look away. Her eyes hungry for her brother, her family, her crew.

_Please break these chains in hell_

_I can hideaway_

Scott had his arm around Cora’s waist as they made their way closer towards the tracks. His brown hair coiffed in his usual perfect manner. His eyes were only for Cora. Whereas Cora looked tired, there were hints of eye bags and dark circles around her eyes. Ryder wondered if Tann had been giving her a lot of trouble because of her. A pang of guilt surged from her gut, her mouth opened before she determinedly clacked her teeth together. Ryder clenched her fists to keep herself still and hidden. 

“Ryder!” a dual flanged voice called out from behind her. 

She stiffened before a tall lean turian female walked over towards her brother. “Vetra,” she whispered. 

The turian turned and searched the crowd. She frowned as she cocked her head. “I swear I heard my name,” Vetra said before turning back to Scott and Cora. “Did you place any bets?”

Ryder was gone. She didn’t stay after realising her mistake. _I can’t stay here. I can’t. I can’t._ She weaved her way smoothly through the crowd, her feet taking her away from her crew. _No, not mine. Not anymore._ Then the crowd started cheering and the commentator started speaking. The race was about to start. Ryder wasn’t going to hang around, it’s just too dangerous. 

The further she got from the tracks the fewer people were around. All Ryder wanted now was to get her bike and return to the villa. Staying at the port would just increase her risk of exposure. “Rider!”

_Fuck!_

She started running. “Hey!” a double flanged voice called out. 

_No, no, no!_

“Rider! Why are you running?” the voice asked. “It’s Dex!”

She stopped instantly, turning around. 

* * *

Dex read relief all over Rider’s face. “Why were you running from me?”

The relief was quickly replaced with grief before it completely vanished from her face, locked away under a mask. Rider sighed and started walking away. Dex had wanted to watch the race but he was no longer in the mood. He followed cautiously behind. Having spent more time with Rider, he was beginning to learn how to read her mood a little better. To put it more accurately, Rider told him that he talked too much. Dex sighed at that memory. 

It was a bad combination of nerves and hero worship, even it was evident to him but he couldn’t help himself. Dex babbled when he was nervous. Now, he was nervous but he bit his tongue. Rider started rubbing the back of her neck as if something was bothering her. Dex wondered if her amp was giving her trouble. 

One moment, Rider was walking and the next she stopped abruptly. Dex walked right into her back. He took two steps back and shook his head annoyed. “Why did you stop?” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Rider said as she started running. 

Dex followed quickly. She muttered a word under her breath and he saw the orange glow of a pair of omni cuffs encircled her wrists. He frowned and started opening his mouth to ask. Rider looked worried but mostly scared. His heart started thudding fast against his chest and it wasn’t because they were running. 

Rider turned to him. “Get me to Wrench’s. You must get me to Wrench’s. She knows what to do,” she said urgently, her eyes staring into his. “If you have to, knock me out. Promise me, get me to Wrench’s.”

Dex cocked his head in confusion. “What are you talking about? Why will I need to knock you out?”

“I’ve no time to explain. Here, take my pistol and knife,” Rider said as she handed him the items. “Use Push. Quick and fast against the nearest wall. Or Stasis if you think you can maintain it.”

Rider looked almost panicked by this time. Dex was just getting increasingly confused. She started to flare and then it was like a switch flipped. Rider’s fear and alarm just drained from her face. Instead, it was replaced with a blankness. That scared him. Dex felt the atmosphere shifted 180˚. He knew he wasn’t looking at Rider. She was someone else. He took a deep breath and gulped. He tucked the pistol and knife away into his pack. “Hey Rider?” he said. 

There wasn’t her usual glare for speaking when she wanted silence. There wasn’t the urgent dread from before either. It was just blank dead eyes. If she wasn’t just speaking to him just moments before, Dex would have thought she was high on Oblivion. Then she noticed her cuffed wrists and started struggling. It was unnerving to see her struggle against it without anger or confusion. She was just mechanically trying to work her arms free. Dex moved to place a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. 

The moment his talons touched her shoulder, she jerked her eyes and stared at him. Those dead eyes seemed to look through him instead of at him. “Rider, let’s go to Wrench’s,” he said, attempting to coax her. 

Instead of grounding her, she pulled away from his touch and started walking in the opposite direction. “Shit,” Dex muttered. “Spirits! What’s going on?”

Dex tried again, this time tightening his grip on Rider’s arm. She didn’t pull away instead she closed the distance between them. With a quick jerk, she smashed her cuffed hands right into his face. Staggering back, Dex brought his hand to his nose and found blue. “Spirits!” he cursed. 

Before he could get his bearings, Rider came for him again. Her arms looped around his neck and she started pulling his head down towards her upraised knee. Dex barely twisted his head free before her knee could make contact with his head. “Shit, shit, shit!” he said. “Right. Push, towards the nearest wall. Hard and fast. I can do this.”

Dex danced away from Ryder, giving himself more space to work with. Dex tried to concentrate, bringing out the energy within himself but Rider was just too fast. He had no time to concentrate, if he couldn’t concentrate, he couldn’t do anything. Dex took more blows to his body as Rider attacked him relentlessly. He winced as he saw his talons had shredded her jacket and scored long deep lines all along her arms. “No, no, no. She wanted me to do this. I can do this,” Dex muttered, psyching himself up. 

Ryder ran headlong towards Dex, slamming him against the wall. Air whooshed from his lungs as she pinned her arm against his throat. Dex tried to force her off him but he couldn’t find leverage to do so. His vision started to tunnel as he panicked. Dex flared and his body felt filled with the elusive power. He didn’t shape it, he didn’t direct it, he just willed it. Blue flames erupted from his arms as he pushed against Rider. His movements were slow and pained but the result was explosive and violent. She flew across the alley and slammed into the opposite wall. 

Rider fell to the ground, not unconscious but definitely dazed. Dex sucked in delicious stinky Kadara air. He got to his feet as quickly as he could. Rider was already attempting to stand but her movements were jerky and unsure. There was no time to waste, Dex grabbed her by her waist and lifted her to his shoulder. 

* * *

Wrench looked up as her workshop’s door slid open. She wasn’t expecting any customers today since it was race day. Then, there was a crash as Dex stumbled in with the human over his shoulder. Both of them fell heavily to the ground. She was about to just ignore the entire affair when Kiba growled loudly. That could only mean one thing. 

She walked over just in time to see the dead eyes of the human looking back at her. “Knock her out,” Dex gasped from the floor. 

Wrench stared at Dex who was bleeding profusely from his nose. She didn’t have much time to gawk when the human moved towards her in an attempt to grapple her. It didn’t go so well for the human since Wrench was much taller. With a smooth practised move, Wrench’s fist connected to the human’s solar plexus. She doubled over as she panted, trying to get air into her lungs. While the human was doing that, Wrench stepped behind her and wrapped her long arms in a lock around her neck. 

Dex’s eyes were wide with horror as he watched Wrench slowly choked Rider. _Spirits, what have I done? I’ve brought her here just to have her killed by Wrench? What’s going on?_

Wrench could see the confusion on the turian’s face but she didn’t have the time to explain. Within ten seconds, the human’s body went limp and her eyes fluttered closed. Wrench knew there was no time to lose, most humans recovered from the chokehold within ten seconds or faster. Wrench dragged the limp form into the bunker and dropped her unceremoniously on the floor. She stepped out quickly, tapping on her omni tool as she went. The green holo-lock turned red. 

Wrench sighed and turned to Dex. “What the hell happened?”

**Lyrics taken from[Hideaway by Dan Owen](https://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwicyozQwuXYAhWILo8KHTRyA7YQFggwMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Falbum%2F5UpsdNcBxTZJPld1oDcOvH&usg=AOvVaw1rztWL8fMzr-dNULuqssrM)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)


	33. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first thing next day, Ryder paid a visit to Pallin. “What will it be today?” the female krogan asked as she swivelled around in her chair. 
> 
> “Another one, along the line,” Ryder said. 
> 
> “Another one?” Palin asked, her brow ridges clashing together. “Aren’t you bored of them? You’ve got three done already. I can do up a rising phoenix for you across your back, or maybe a galaxy map on your arm. Even a flaming bike on your calf.”
> 
> Ryder laughed. “No, just the usual.”
> 
> She helped herself to the electric razor Palin had plugged in. Ryder ran the razor across the left side of her head. The vibrations and the scrap of the blade across her scalp felt cathartic. It drove the memories of the last episode deeper into her mind where it stayed locked up. Palin rolled her chair over to the tattoo bed. Ryder climbed into it and turned to her side. 
> 
> “So what random alphabets will it be this time?” she asked, picking up her tattoo gun. 
> 
> “N and D.”
> 
> “An ‘ND’ coming right up.”
> 
> Ryder closed her eyes and waited for the cleansing fire of the tattoo gun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments! I really appreciate all you readers, those who comment and those who don't. If you feel uncomfortable to leave a comment long or short, just drop me a ! in the comments. It works just as well. 
> 
> Ok things are happening on Kadara and Ryder has to make a choice. What do you think she'd choose?

Ryder blinked. The first thing she registered was her location. _All right, bunker. That’s good. That’s very good._ The next was her sore everything. She whispered the unlock command and the cuffs fizzled out. Ryder started her ritual she had established. She wriggled her fingers and toes. _Check._ Then, she rotated each of her joints. Rotating them was no issue but there was some stiffness. _Inevitable from lying in an awkward position._ Then she ran her hands over her body. Ryder winced. Her arms were covered with long scratches. There was a spot at the back of her head that felt tender. In all, Ryder felt she was in a better shape than she had expected. 

She stood. A wave of dizziness washed over her along with the usual tiredness that came with these episodes. Ryder ran a hand over her scar and rubbed it. She really should ask the door to be unlocked and let everyone know she was still alive. All Ryder managed was a groan, her limbs too heavy to get to the door. She climbed into bed and just fell asleep. 

Outside, Dex paced anxiously. Kiba was following his movement back and forth with her eyes from her position outside the bunker’s door. Wrench’s usual stoic and patient manner was frayed by the constant pacing and glancing. “How long will she be in there? What if she’s dead?” Dex asked. 

It had been a variation on these questions for hours. Wrench glared at Dex. “This isn’t the first time. She’s fine. She just needs to sleep it off once she snaps out of it.”

“Really? You didn’t just kill her and throw her into a locked room?” Dex accused as he moved towards the door. 

Kiba lifted her head and growled warningly at him. He backed off and resumed his pacing. Wrench sighed and tapped on her omni tool. She hummed as she realised the cuff implants had been de-activated 15 minutes ago. Usually, the human would have stumbled out from the bunker and fall asleep on the sofa. _Not coming out is definitely not the norm._ She glanced at Dex still pacing around. “Look, if you want to check on her,” Wrench said, giving in. “I’ll unlock the door but it's your funeral. I don’t think she reacts well to intrusion.“

Dex straightened and nodded. 

Wrench tapped on her omni tool and the door was unlocked. Dex made his way to the door but was stopped by Kiba again. “Kiba, come here I’ve got a treat for you,” Wrench called.

Kiba perked up at the lure of a treat. She got to her feet and shook her body. Dex shied backwards at the sudden movement. Wrench snorted. “Never met many dogs?” 

He shook his head. Kiba glanced at Dex, he could have sworn she looked at him with disdain. The dog sneezed and snorted once before trotting off to Wrench, tail wagging. 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’ll be fine,” he retorted, annoyed. 

The door slid open and Dex stepped into the darkened room. His motion triggered the sensors in the room and the lights came on. Wrench’s warning still ringing in his ears, his sense of bravado fading, he walked cautiously towards Rider. He stood at least a metre away from her and just observed. Her chest was moving up and down slowly. She was sleeping on her right side, her face towards him, her back against the wall. Dex heaved a silent sigh of relief. 

His eyes inevitably flicked towards the tattoo along the side of her head. He was always curious but his questions always were met with a steely glare that quickly taught him never to ask about it. This was his chance to take a closer look. Dex shuffled forward and bend over. Her eyes snapped open. A Push slammed into his chest before he could react. The force threw him back towards the opposite wall. It occurred to Dex that was exactly what he tried on her. Her force was on a whole different scale.

Wrench came running in with a pistol drawn, pointed at Ryder. “What the hell is going on?” she demanded. 

Kiba being the busybody pushed her way into the room as well. Ryder was panting as she tried to get her bearings. Wrench relaxed only after seeing Kiba gave Ryder a lick on her hand. “What did you do?” she asked Ryder.

Ryder shook her head and walked over to the turian that had crumpled into a heap. “Hey Dex,” she called. “Are you ok?”

Dex groaned. “I think so.”

Wrench shook her head, relieved that it wasn’t an out of control human rampaging around. “Told you,” she tossed over her shoulder as she walked out of the room. 

* * *

Sleep was impossible now. She was wide awake but still exhausted. Wrench tossed her a pack of medi-gel. “Your arms.”

Wrench told her an abbreviated version of what happened as Ryder applied a thin coating over the scratches. She had sent Dex off to be checked out by Nakamoto, on his own credits of course. _It was close. Too close._ Ryder rubbed her scar again. She itched for another tattoo every time after a bad episode. And every one was bad. This was one of her worst since arriving in Kadara. 

The first thing next day, Ryder paid a visit to Pallin. “What will it be today?” the female krogan asked as she swivelled around in her chair. 

“Another one, along the line,” Ryder said. 

“Another one?” Palin asked, her brow ridges clashing together. “Aren’t you bored of them? You’ve got three done already. I can do up a rising phoenix for you across your back, or maybe a galaxy map on your arm. Even a flaming bike on your calf.”

Ryder laughed. “No, just the usual.”

She helped herself to the electric razor Palin had plugged in. Ryder ran the razor across the left side of her head. The vibrations and the scrap of the blade across her scalp felt cathartic. It drove the memories of the last episode deeper into her mind where it stayed locked up. Palin rolled her chair over to the tattoo bed. Ryder climbed into it and turned to her side. 

“So what random alphabets will it be this time?” she asked, picking up her tattoo gun. 

“N and D.”

“An ‘ND’ coming right up.”

Ryder closed her eyes and waited for the cleansing fire of the tattoo gun. 

* * *

She left Palin’s with a small bandage over the new tattoo and instructions to apply medi-gel over it till it heals. “Yes Palin, this isn’t my first,” Ryder said. 

“Come back when you want something more exciting than random letters on your head.”

Ryder laughed. She made her way to the shops to pick up more ration bars and bottles of water for the villa. Just ahead, she spotted a small group of angaras clustering around one of her usual angara-run shops. 

_Roekaar._

As she approached she caught the tail end of their conversation. “Do as you are told if you know what’s good for you,” one Roekaar growled at Huskor. 

The group dispersed quickly when they realised she was approaching. Her eyes narrowed. “Are they bothering you?” she asked as she kept her eyes on their disappearing backs. 

Huskor shook her head as she sighed. “The usual?” she asked. “Don’t you eat anything else?”

Ryder nodded. “I can’t afford anything else. Are they recruiting?”

“They have moved past recruiting to outright extortion and coercion,” she said as she packed what Ryder wanted into a box. 

“Am I getting you in trouble by buying from you?”

“No,” she said as she sealed the box. “It doesn’t really matter to them.”

“What did they want?”

The angara looked uncomfortable as she rubbed her hands over each other. “Credits?”

She shook her head. “They wanted supplies.”

“Like food and water?”

She shrugged. Ryder’s mind started to get into gear. _Why would they need supplies?_

“Ammo?”

Huskor sighed. _Bingo._ “A lot?” Ryder pressed. 

She nodded. “Hey, do you know anything about their plans?”

The angara was looking increasingly agitated but she kept her silence. It’s definitely not the angara’s way to stay silent, maybe it’s just towards the aliens. Ryder didn’t want to push matters and get Huskor in trouble. “Sorry,” she said. “Forget I asked.”

As Ryder took the box from her, she pressed her hand against the shopkeeper and sent her a small biotic charge. _Stay strong and clear._ Huskor jumped. “Sorry, was my charge too strong?”

She shook her head, neck flaps growing a deep blue. “No, I was just surprised by it,” she said with a smile. “Stay strong and clear.”

Ryder nodded and picked up her purchases. She made her way to her ammo supplier next. Picking up a new load of ammo for her pistol, the turian there tried to sell her a newly arrived assault rifle. Ryder picked up the Mattock he was pushing at her. She almost sighed with contentment as her fingertips danced across the stock and trigger. “Heard anything about the Roekaar in town?”

The turian shrugged. “I’ve seen them harassing the angaras around here. Mostly scolding for selling to aliens, well us.”

Ryder nodded, lifting the rifle as she tried to sight it. “Anything change recently?”

“Now that you mentioned it. They’ve been buying or rather demanding more than usual,” the turian said tapping his talons on the counter. 

The counter was pock-marked with lines of scratches and holes all of them talon sized. “What kind of things?” she asked as she removed the magazine and pushed it back in a satisfying click. 

She dry fired the Mattock as the shopkeeper rattled off what he knew. “Water, food, ammo and energy cells.”

Ryder perked up. “Energy cells?”

“Yeah, like those you use in the hoverbikes.”

“They got what they wanted?”

The turian flapped his mandibles as he spread his arms wide. “No idea. So are you buying that or what?”

Ryder shook her head but she had a hard time prying her fingers from the rifle. _The Roekaar are planning something but what?_ She picked up her purchases and added it to the top of her box. Ryder had a little chat with each shop attendant whom she was familiar with. Finally stopping at Umi’s. 

“Hey! How’s the scavenger life treating you?” Umi called.

The evening crowd hadn’t started just yet so Kralla’s Song was still rather empty. Umi was washing the glasses and getting them ready for the evening. Her new assistant was busying replenishing the booze behind the counter. “How’s the newbie working out?” she asked as she jerked her thumb at the asari busy at work. 

“My name is Eltha!” the asari cried. “Do me the courtesy to remember it human!”

Ryder laughed. “Sorry, Eltha. I’ll remember it next time.”

Umi curled her finger at Ryder and she obliged by walking over. “The Roekaar are stirring up trouble recently.”

Ryder’s smile faded. “I’ve heard. Word out there says that they are planning something big.”

Umi’s usually perfect and unmarred asari face darkened. “Sloane might know what’s up but I don’t know if she would act,” she said. “This is just bad for business.”

Ryder grunted in agreement. “Let me know if you find out what they are up to.”

Umi’s shrewd eyes narrowed. “What are you doing to do about it? Act the hero?”

Ryder winced and shrugged. “Nothing, probably.”

“You’re not the hero type, you’re the kill everyone standing type. You getting involved would be even worse for business than the Roekaar.”

Umi laughed and Ryder joined her. Her own laughter sounded hollow to her ears. _That’s my reputation here on Kadara. The cold-blooded shedder of blood. The Bloody Blade. At least nobody calls me the Shield here. I’m nobody’s shield._

Ryder tried to put the Roekaar issue out of her mind. She figured having the almost run in with Cora and her brother was enough to rattle her but her brain had other plans. Her eyes observed on their own accord, her ears perked up near strange angaras and her brain was constantly trying to fit pieces together. Ryder had long since given up on getting her brain to do what she wanted. What she’d observed and heard worried her. 

_Have relations between angaras and the other Milky Way species deteriorated that badly? Or Evfra are having a hard time to contain the Roekaar? Is Akkusul behind this?_

Pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes, Ryder moaned. She had no intel and no way to get intel, short of outing herself to Sloane. That’s practically volunteering to take care of the problem. _Unless…_

A shitty idea began to form in her mind. Ryder bit back a groan as she realised what she needed to do. 

* * *

“Where are you?” The voice asked the moment he accepted the voice comm. 

“Who are you?” Dex growled in annoyance. 

“It’s Rider,” the voice replied. 

Dex’s mandibles fluttered in surprise. For a moment, he thought he heard a slight difference in emphasis on the nickname he had given her. “I’m on a job,” he replied, figuring she was asking because she wanted to head out to the villa. 

There was silence at the end of the line. “Hello?” Dex called out, worried the call had terminated. 

“Will you be done with your job today?”

“Yeah, I should be done to get back to the port by nightfall.”

“Meet me at the villa when you are done.”

“Sure,” Dex agreed. “What’s going on?”

“I need your help,” she replied. 

Soon the call was terminated. Dex spent the rest of the day on a high. _Now the student is needed! Is she going to bring me raiding?_ The ideas Dex entertained went wilder and wilder by the iteration. By the time he got to the villa, Dex was all keyed for a nighttime black-ops mission to rescue a trapped princess from a Remnant vault with the aid of Wrench and Kiba.

Dex pinged Rider when he parked his bike next to hers. The holo-lock was green by the time he climbed the stairs. Dex walked in and stopped short at the threshold. “What’s going on here?”

Rider looked up from the mess of terminals and cables. “Where did you get all this?” Dex asked.

“This?” She asked gesturing at the mess around her. “They belonged to the original occupants of this place. I just packed them away when I moved in. I’m glad I didn’t sell them.”

“Soooo…” Dex said as he stepped into the room. “What do you need me for? We’re going to rescue a princess tonight?”

Rider stared at him in slack jaw wonder. “Where did you get that idea?”

“Erm…”

Rider waved away his explanation as she got down to business. “You’re good with tech right?” She asked as she gave up untangling the cables. 

Dex nodded, a confident smirk on his face. “Good enough to fool the Initiative,” he boasted. 

Rider narrowed her eyes at him. _Spirits, I should learn to keep my mouth shut!_ “Good enough for my purposes,” she said. 

Dex had expecting her to press him on that particular statement. He heaved a silent sigh of relief. “So I need you to hack something for me,” she continued.

“Who?”

“Sloane for starters.”

“Sloane?” Dex echoed, his mandibles fluttering in distress. 

“Look, are you or are you not good at what you do?” Rider asked, her brown eyes hard and stern. “If you don’t think you can do it cleanly, just say the word. I’ll find another way.”

“No, I can do it but why?”

* * *

Ryder had almost regretted asking Dex for help. His questions were endless. Her patience fraying, she cut through everything with a question. “Do you trust me?”

Dex nodded without hesitation. Ryder found her breath caught in her throat. _Where does his confidence come from?_ She licked her dry lips as she tried to think of an appropriate response. What she wanted was to tell him was she couldn't be trusted, she didn't even trust herself, her body most especially her mind. But she settled on a curt nod. 

“Then trust me when I say I need the intel.”

Dex took a deep breath and began work. They put the terminals back together and re-purposed the scientists’ equipment to beam a signal of their own strong enough to hook onto the extranet. From there Dex was like a kid in a candy store. Sloane’s communications was an open book for their perusal. 

Ryder read through messages after messages. She rubbed her bleary eyes. Another message, something about Anubis and his possible location this time. Ryder didn’t even open the message. She just scrolled past it, her eyes already moving onto the next one. The current cost of manufacturing Oblivion, next. Which stall owners had not paid up for the month, next.

_Gods…_

Dex was going through messages of his own. In the end, they found no indication that Sloane was even aware of the Roekaars’ activities. Sure she was keeping tabs on them but no angaras actually liked her. They barely tolerated her hold over the port. Ryder thought she had a better gauge on things than the Outcasts did. However, Sloane had the manpower and resources to sleuth out the Roekaars’ stronghold on Kadara. Of course, unverified intel was as bad as no intel at all. 

“Can you see if you get into the systems at the Roekaar stronghold?” Ryder asked, munching on another ration bar. 

Dex yawned. “Can we do it tomorrow?” he asked. “It’s really late.”

Ryder glanced at her omni tool. She sighed and hummed. “All right, first thing tomorrow.”

Dex stood up and stretched. “I’ll just take the floor.” He said as he tried to find a spot to lay down. 

“Take my bed,” she said. “I’m too keyed up to sleep anyway.”

With that she exited, leaving Dex no room to protest or refuse. Ryder climbed the steps to the roof. The Kadara nights were cold with strong winds. She pulled her new jacket closer around her shoulders. Hands pushed deep into the pockets as she stood in the near pitch darkness. There was light lining the stairs and the edges of the platform so there was no danger of walking off. She climbed onto a crate and lean against another. The wind was a sweet melody to her ears. She could almost pretend it was the hum of the Tempest’s drive core if she closed her eyes.

Ryder tapped her omni tool and music started playing in her earpiece. The music washed over her as she allowed her mind to drift. 

_Ghost in the wind calling you to take me home_

_Ghost in the wind crying, "where do I belong?"_

_Can anyone hear me now?_

_Can anyone hear me now?_

* * *

The next morning, Dex was halfway through his breakfast ration bar when he shouted, “We’re in!” 

Ryder hurried over and peered over Dex’s shoulder with a bar in between her teeth. Her eyes scanned through the communications between the Roekaar cell on Kadara and Akkusul. 

_Mission will proceed as planned. We might not have the number of energy cells we want but they would get the job done._

“Fuck!”

Ryder flung the half eaten bar at the terminal. It bounced once and landed on the floor. “Is there more?” She asked urgently.

“Just one more,”Dex said as he opened the message. 

Dex wasn’t sure what he was reading, rather he couldn’t quite grasp the implications. “They are going to hit Ditaeon today!” She hissed through clenched teeth. 

Mandibles flaring in alarm, Dex turned to her. “Are we going to do anything about it?”

“Can you send an anonymous message to Ditaeon?”

Dex nodded. “Do it.”

As seemingly ill-suited Dex’s talons were to a human-designed interface, his talons danced across the interface. “Done.”

Pressing her thumbs into her temples, Ryder ran the figures. _There is no indication what time the attack would take place. What kind of the numbers can Tate muster for the defence of Ditaeon? What exactly are the Roekaar going to do? It must have something to do with the energy cells._

“Is this enough?” Dex asked the most pertinent question. 

_Is it?_

“Send the same message to Kaetus,” Ryder said. 

“Not Sloane?”

“Kaetus might still do something if Sloane refuses.”

In a couple of taps, that was done. Dex looked at Ryder, his silver eyes boring into her. She shook her head and brought up Kadara’s map on her omni tool. Her eyes taking in the distance between the villa and Ditaeon. It was at least a couple of hours of bike riding between here and there. 

Ryder closed her eyes. _How would I hit Ditaeon if I want to maximise damage?_ It was clear. Ryder would send a team in one end of Ditaeon. The team would fire on the people randomly. That would spark a panic and herd the civilians towards the other end of town. There would be the energy cell trap. Once the traps were triggered, snipers on the roof would take out anyone that came to the rescue of the injured. 

Ryder opened her eyes. “How many security forces are at Ditaeon?”

“I don’t…”

“Hack their systems.”

Dex turned back to his terminal. “They have a squad of standing security personnel.”

Her eyes glanced at her father. He was shaking his head at her. Ryder didn’t know what he meant by that. _No, don’t get involved? No, that’s not enough to stop the Roekaar._

“Fuck,” Ryder spat. 

**Lyrics taken from[Ghost In The Wind by Birdy]().**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)


	34. Collision Course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She stretched her talons and bent over the terminal. Cora left her to work. Drack kept a lookout near the main ingress point. “Scott, what’s the status?”
> 
> Scott’s voice came clearly over the comms. “We found another terminal here. I’m working to break the encryption.”
> 
> She settled to wait. “Spirits!” Vetra cried out. 
> 
> Cora hurry over to Vetra’s side. “What?” she asked. 
> 
> “Perseus is working with the Roekaar!” 
> 
> “What?” Cora shouted this time. 
> 
> “They have provided the Roekaar on Kadara with detailed maps of Ditaeon and their security protocol in an event of an attack,” Vetra said, standing up in frustration. “Since when do the Roekaar worked with aliens?”
> 
> “Since Meridian,” Cora replied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! I've posted a new art that I've commissioned and this is one of my favourite pieces so far! Links at the end notes.

**48 hours before the events on Kadara**

“Kandros just sent us some new intel about Perseus,” Cora said as she eyed the assembled team. 

“About time!” Liam said. “We’ve been two steps behind.”

Cora nodded. She was equally frustrated to only be arriving on the scene after Perseus had hit an outpost or colony. Kandros’ APEX teams seemed to have stumbled on some intel indicating where one of Perseus’ stronghold was. 

Scott had done some digging on the extranet after their run-in with Perseus on Neos-Palavan. He had been curious about the link between Perseus, Andromeda and Cetus. “So as you guys may or may not know,” Scott said. “It has been Perseus’ rhetoric that they are the saviour of Andromeda. According to ancient Greek legend, Perseus is a demi-god, a child of a god and a mortal. He apparently is an all-around hero. Among the feats he had accomplished was the rescue of Princess Andromeda from Cetus, a sea monster.”

Peebee was looking at Scott with rapt attention while the others looked a little bored. “Is there a point to all this?” Vetra asked. 

“Well, what I’m trying to say is Perseus as a group has brought into the idea that they are the saviour of Andromeda. They are saving Andromeda from Cetus. What or who exactly is Cetus? We don’t know but if we find out, it might give us a clue as to their motives,” Scott explained. 

“Right…” Drack drawled. “Just shoot them, problem solved.”

Liam laughed. “Nothing is that simple,” Cora said, trying to bring the briefing back to point. “Right so intel indicates that Perseus has a stronghold here in the Ratul system. Which planet or asteroid it’s anyone’s guess.”

“It’s scanning time! Suvi, get your scanning fingers ready,” Peebee said in a sing-song voice. 

Cora nodded. “That’s right. Scanning and locating their stronghold will be our mission.”

“What about the rest of us?” Vetra asked. 

“Once Suvi finds the location, we will be going down,” Cora said. 

“All of us?” Peebee asked. “That’s not your style.”

“We need intel. If we can I want at least one live prisoner to question. Otherwise, I want data. Vetra and Scott you are in charge of securing as much data as you can. The rest of you, cover their backs. A live prisoner is nice but do not be stupid,” Cora said. “Dismissed.”

* * *

Cora was going through her biotics exercises alone. She closed her eyes and moved through the forms that were ingrained in her muscles. _In through the nose, out through the mouth._ Her movements slow and deliberate, channelling the crackling energy throughout her body. She missed training with Ryder. It was nice to have a partner. Peebee wasn’t interested, Lexi was better suited for other sorts of training, the rest of them weren’t biotics. Cora shook her head to clear it. She wasn’t down in the cargo bay to think about Ryder. 

It’s been months. Kandros had told her privately that he didn’t have the heart to hunt for Ryder anymore. He was angry like the rest of the Leadership during the first couple of months after her escape. After all, what she did at Meridian was unexplainable and unbelievable but everyone was in Ryder’s debt. It was poor payment to just throw her into jail. Kandros was tired of Tann’s incessant need to find and incarcerate Ryder. It had opened his eyes to Tann’s obvious vendetta against her. Then Rix attacked. All of Kandros’ attention had shifted to dealing with the new problem. His first priority was the Leadership’s safety, his second was securing Rix and so that he wouldn’t be pulling a Ryder. With Perseus so openly hostile, Kandros had his hands full. 

Cora understood. She was angry too but for wholly other reasons. At Scott for his recklessness. At Ryder for not trusting the system, for not trusting them to fight for her. At herself for having her hands tied. 

_In through the nose, out through the mouth._ She had a mission to prep for. 

“Cora,” SAM said. 

Her eyes snapped open. “Yes SAM.”

“Suvi has found the location of the Perseus stronghold.”

* * *

“Vetra you’re with me, along with Drack. Scott, you’re with Peebee and Liam,” Cora said. 

The others nodded. “Right, two ingress points. That makes things simple for us. We’ll take the east. Scott, your team will take the west. On my mark, we’ll hit them. Move out.”

The team split into two leaving the Nomad behind cover. Just ahead of them was a squat pre-fab. Perseus had set up shop on an asteroid caught in Hybaro’s gravity well. The rock wasn’t large but it was covered with peaks and valleys. Everything was just a uniform grey. It was almost boring if Cora wasn’t about to attack an energy stronghold. 

The shotgun solid in her grip, she glanced at Vetra then at Drack. Both nodded. Cora called out, “Mark!”

Mayhem broke loose instantly as the door slid open. Cora Charged ahead and took down the first person she saw. Drack and Vetra came closely behind her, their respective weapons booming behind her. Via the comm channel, she could hear the same thing happening on Scott’s end. Trusting Scott to get the job done, she sent a Reave towards the nearest enemy. 

* * *

It took some time, some minor injuries and co-ordination but they cleared the stronghold out. Perseus had been complacent. They didn’t expect their stronghold to be assaulted and they weren’t prepared for the tables to be turned on them. Cora expected when they hit the next Perseus outpost, they would be facing stiffer opposition. “How’s the arm?” she asked Vetra. 

“Stings but it’s fine,” she said. “The medi-gel is doing its work already.”

“Ok, you know what to do.”

Vetra nodded and moved towards the terminals. Her talons skimping over the interface quickly. “Encryption,” Vetra said. 

“Problem?”

Her mandibles flared in a turian grin. “No, I expect a challenge from a group that started out hacking systems.”

She stretched her talons and bent over the terminal. Cora left her to work. Drack kept a lookout near the main ingress point. “Scott, what’s the status?”

Scott’s voice came clearly over the comms. “We found another terminal here. I’m working to break the encryption.”

She settled to wait. “Spirits!” Vetra cried out. 

Cora hurry over to Vetra’s side. “What?” she asked. 

“Perseus is working with the Roekaar!” 

“What?” Cora shouted this time. 

“They have provided the Roekaar on Kadara with detailed maps of Ditaeon and their security protocol in an event of an attack,” Vetra said, standing up in frustration. “Since when do the Roekaar worked with aliens?”

“Since Meridian,” Cora replied. 

Vetra’s mandibles flattened against her face, her eyes narrowed as she stared at Cora. “What are you trying to say? This was Ryder’s fault?”

Cora shook her head. “This is just a fact,” she stated evenly. 

Vetra opened her mouth to protest but Cora raised a hand to stop her. “Is there an attack imminent? Or is this a breach of secured information?” she asked. 

Talons flew across the interface again. “Damn!” Vetra growled. “They are planning to hit Ditaeon soon.”

“How soon?”

“In 24 hours.”

“Goddess, we have no time.”

“Scott, make a copy of all the data and wipe the drives here. You can continue working on the data on the Tempest. We have to get to Kadara now.”

Kallo was pulling out all stops to get the Tempest to Kadara as soon as possible. Even with all the tweaks Gil threw at the drive core, they would be cutting it really really close. Meanwhile, Scott was holed up in the bio lab hard at work cracking the encryption with Vetra’s help. 

Cora wished she had kept her mouth shut. _Why the hell did I open my big mouth?_ She sighed as she cleaned her shotgun in preparation for the firefight that’s sure to happen once they got to Ditaeon. 

* * *

Ryder pinged Wrench as they left the villa. “I need a favour.”

Wrench just frowned back at her via vid-comm. “Yes, yes put it on my tab or something. Do you have weapons? Bring them to the gate. Meet me there in an hour. Oh, and all the ammo you have for them.”

“Why?”

“Ditaeon is about to be attacked by the Roekaar.”

“Sloane?”

“I’ve sent a message to Kaetus. I cannot be sure he would act or act in time.”

“You’re going in?”

Ryder nodded. “I have to.”

Wrench opened her mouth to ask another question but she clamped her lips together. She kept silent for a moment before finally asking. “Alone?”

She nodded. As soon as she did, Dex was protesting. Wrench rolled her eyes at the commotion in the background. “I’ll bring the weapons.”

“An hour,” Ryder repeated. 

“An hour,” Wrench acknowledged before terminating the vid-comm. 

Ryder pulled the helmet over her head and mounted up her bike, ignoring Dex’s protests. She had no time to placate or convince him. The need to move was urgent. They had no time. 

As soon as she hit the ignition button, the music in her helmet started playing. Ryder’s head bobbed to the beat and twisted the throttle. The bike took off with Dex’s following quickly behind. 

* * *

“Kallo, how many hours are we away from Kadara?” Cora asked. 

“ETA three hours,” Kallo replied. 

She sighed. Sending the information she had to the Nexus would not bring help any faster to Kadara. As of now, the Tempest was the nearest. Even Raeka and Theris’ teams weren’t going to make it in time. Cora pulled up Ditaeon’s map on her omni tool and began planning. 

Then, there was a chime on her omni tool. It was the blaring alarm of an urgent comm call. Quickly, Cora jabbed her finger down. It was Vetra. Her yellow-green eyes wide with alarm, mandibles flapping in urgency. “Cora, get down to the bio lab now.”

A chill ran down her spine. _What could possibly be so urgent?_

Cora practically ran from the meeting room down to the bio lab. Her body slipping through the small opening as soon as the door parted. “What is it?” she demanded as soon as she walked in. 

Vetra turned to face her, her mouth agape. “I… You got to see it for yourself,” Vetra said. 

Cora turned to Scott. His eyes were glued to the terminal. His face twisted in a snarl of rage and fury. “Is it something to do with Ditaeon?”

Vetra shook her head. “Can’t it wait?”

“No! It can’t!” Scott shouted as he turned to her. 

Cora gasped when she realised there were tears standing in his eyes. “It’s Sara,” he spat. 

“Sara?”

She walked over to the screen. It was security camera footage of a lab. There was a fuzzy image of a body on a table. The body was naked covered with only a thin sheet. They were turned on their side, their face away from the camera. A doctor or surgeon bending over the body. Medical equipment scattered about the rather non-sterile looking lab. The doctor was blocking the face of the body on the table. Voices can be heard clearly in the vid, the doctor was speaking to someone standing in the corner of the room. 

“What am I seeing?” Cora whispered. 

SAM spoke up. “This vid was recovered from the data copied from Perseus’ systems. I was able to piece together the data to recover a snippet of the original file.”

Scott slammed his fist on the desk and walked away. Cora turned to go after him but Vetra stopped her. “I’ll go after him,” she said. “You need to watch this.”

Cora hesitated but turned her attention back to the vid. A hand from off-screen handed the doctor a chip, maybe an implant. The image was too fuzzy to be sure. Blood stained scalpels were discarded in favour of a muscle retractor which was applied to the back of the neck of the patient? The subject? The victim?

The visual skipped. Now the doctor was done and was applying what looked like medi-gel to the small incision he made. 

“Are you sure it would work?” the person off screen asked. 

Cora frowned. The voice was familiar but she couldn’t quite place it. 

“Don’t worry, Anubis. Our boss made sure,” the doctor said. 

The doctor satisfied with his work, placed blood-stained latex gloves on the body and turned it back to its back. 

“Goddess!”

It was Ryder lying on the table, a tube shoved down her throat. She started to stir, eyes fluttering, fingers twitching. Cora found herself urging Ryder to wake up in her head. _When was this? Is it recent? Or…_

“It’s done,” the doctor said as he pulled the latex gloves off with a snap. “You know what needs to be done.”

The doctor turned back to Ryder and started extubating her. She coughed but Cora could tell she was still out of it. 

The off-screen voice said, “Give her another hit, she’s waking up.”

The doctor seemed to glare at the person off-screen before filling a syringe. Cora guessed it was something to sedate Ryder. True enough, Ryder went still after that. 

“Don’t worry, the sedation will make sure she doesn’t remember a thing,” the doctor said. 

“Don’t forget about the biotic inhibitor,” the voice from off-screen said. 

Sighing the doctor picked up another syringe and tilted Ryder’s head to the side and plunged it right where he had operated on. 

“Make it look good Anubis,” he said. “Our plan hinges on your ability to make it look convincing. Enough to make it look real but not so much you damage her permanently or kill her.”

The visual cut off abruptly. Cora blinked. She couldn’t quite catch her breath. “When was this?”

“I was unable to determine the actual timestamp, the metadata was unrecoverable.”

Cora let out a hiss of frustration. Perseus had plans for Ryder. Had she been captured? Was this part of the attack on Ditaeon? Or was this from before?

_Havarl!_

She couldn’t be sure. Cora didn’t remember any room that resembled that lab but she didn’t clear the building. Only Drack and Jaal knew the true layout of the filthy structure they found Ryder in. 

_But I have a combat mission coming up. Kadara is the priority now, I can’t afford to have Drack being distracted._

“Fucking Goddess’ tits!” she cried. 

It wasn’t the first time she wished she wasn’t Pathfinder but this one took the cake. _One thing at a time, Ditaeon then Ryder._ “Now to make Scott see reason,” she whispered.

* * *

Ryder got to the port in record time. Wrench was already there with weapons and a fresh set of energy cells ready. She blinked. “What are you wearing?” Ryder asked. 

“Armour.”

“You’re not coming with me.”

Wrench shrugged. “Do you want the weapons or not?”

Ryder growled deep in her throat. “I’m going too!” Dex piped up from the back. 

“No!” Ryder and Wrench yelled in unison. 

Dex held his ground fast despite having two pairs of hard eyes glaring at him. “You need all the help you can get. What the hell are you going to do with just the two of you?”

Ryder glared at Dex. He was right, she knew it, he knew it. But it’s practically bringing a child into a fight. Dex wasn’t trained, going into combat wasn’t the same as a back-alley fight to keep the bullies off your back. Ryder’s scar throbbed. 

“You can’t stop me!” Dex declared flatly.

Ryder let out a shout of frustration. “Fucking teenagers!”

She ignored him and swapped the energy cells from her bike and took a brief inventory of the weapons, briefing Wrench and inevitably Dex as she went. 

Ryder picked up the battered Mattock Wrench had along with the ammo that went with it. She wasn’t wearing any hard shell so she didn’t have any magnetic holsters to attach her rifle to. Instead, she made do with slinging it over her right shoulder. 

She turned to Dex. “Do you know how to use any of these?”

Dex stared at the remaining weapons. He looked lost. “Fuck,” Ryder said, this was exactly what she was afraid of. 

She pulled her pistol from her holster and handed it to him. “Can you handle this?”

Dex nodded. “Show me. Dry fire it.”

The turian gulped, mandibles flaring as he took a deep breath. His movements were unsure at first but some muscle memory was coming back to him. Ryder nodded at the result. “Good enough. Point and shoot, simple enough. Be careful where you point this thing.”

Dex nodded again, holstering the pistol before Ryder changed her mind. Wrench had picked her weapon of choice and the rest she just dumped them back into the crate she had. She locked it with her biometrics and hidden it among the bushes. 

Ryder turned to each of them, looking them in the eye. Finally pausing at the space just to the right of Wrench. Dex didn’t know who or what she was looking at but whatever she saw seemed to settle her. 

Ryder took a deep breath. “Remember, Dex your job is to get the civilians as far as from the fight as possible. Find somewhere you can defend, maybe a town-hall or something. If you encounter the Roaekaar, shoot if you have to, otherwise running is your best bet. Wrench, clear the snipers from up high and keep an eye on my six. I’ll take care of the rest.”

Dex nodded his chest puffing a little at the thought of some action. He deflated a little when he found Ryder staring at him. “Under no circumstances are you to remove your helmet or speak anyone’s name!”

Dex cocked his head in confusion. “Got it, Dex?”

He nodded. 

“Let’s go, we have a town to save.”

* * *

Cora buckled her hard shell, Scott helping her with the back. She turned around and snapped the buckles for his. Their eyes met. Scott caught her hands and gave them a squeeze. Cora nodded. “I promise.”

Scott took a deep breath, his eyes filled with anguish and determination. He turned to pick up his sniper rifle and pistol. Cora did the same with her shotgun and assault rifle. 

Kallo’s voice came over the intercom. “ETA five minutes. We’re coming in hot.”

“You heard Kallo. Weapons free. Our priority is the civilians,” Cora said. 

* * *

Ryder Charged and crashed into the Roekaars. They fell like pins at a bowling alley. Wrench’s rifle was a steady cycle of boom and reload. Ryder could time her attacks according to it. Dex shouting at the civilians to follow him as he directed them down the pathway that led away from the battle. The main Roekaar force was still pushing in from the north, swarming into Ditaeon. 

Ryder had tried scanning as they arrived on scene but her omni tool just didn’t have the range. However she would bet her last credit that the south was entirely mined with energy cells turned bombs. Ryder wanted to go check to be sure but Dex needed her here. She had to buy time for him and the civilians. Charging again, her assault rifle bucked in her hands as she took down another couple of Roekaar. 

Dex stopped and stared. The blue angel of death zipping in and out among the fleeing crowd and the marching death squad. Wrench’s voice crackled from his omni tool. “Stop staring, are you trying to get yourself killed?”

He snapped his mouth shut and his mandibles flattened against his face in shame. Turning to the fleeing crowd, he shouted, “Come on! This way!”

The town’s security squad was still up but at least half had fallen in the initial assault. Ryder hardly spared them a glance. She had no access to their comm channels to direct them effectively. The only thing she could do was to pray was someone competent was leading them. 

Wrench’s rifle boomed again. Ryder swallowed as she surveyed the field from behind cover. There were just too many. Too many! Her father was beside her with a rifle in his hands. He signalled her towards the south entry point. She frowned. She could hardly abandon the field to deal with the potential energy cells, not when there were non-theoretical threats here. Peering out from cover, Ryder took a quick look. Some brave Roekaar took potshots at her. She shrank back. 

Her father gestured urgently. “What the fuck!” she shouted at him. 

Dex’s voice came in reply. “What?”

Ryder glared at her father. “Nothing,” she growled over the comms. 

Music blared in her ears.

_Up against the wall_

_There's something dying on the street_

_When they knock you down_

_You're gonna get back on your feet_

_(No you can't stop now)_

A sonic boom of a ship breaking through atmosphere sounded overhead. Everyone looked up. Only one recognised the craft in the air. It banked and took a right turn before coming in close to do a hot drop. A vehicle launched itself from the open ramp. It landed at the south end of Ditaeon. 

Ryder gritted her teeth. “I’m moving to the south. Sniper, handle the north.”

“Got it,” Wrench said. 

She took off running. 

* * *

It was chaos everywhere. The constant bark of rifles filled the air. Cora scanned the field. Ditaeon’s south entry point was crawling with Roekaar or was it angaras just fleeing from the attack. She couldn’t quite tell the difference from this distance. The Nomad lurched forward as she floored the pedal. 

Ryder alternated between running and Charging between cover just to get to the south entry point faster. As she neared she could see the tell tale bumps in the sand on the outskirts of Ditaeon. Ryder gasped. The sheer amount of buried energy cells she saw more than enough to take out a Nomad. Especially one that was being driven at top speed towards Ditaeon. Even if they had detected the mine field, the Nomad wouldn’t have time to stop before triggering the entire thing.

Slapping a fresh magazine into her rifle, Ryder popped from cover to spray bullets at unsuspecting Roekaar. The fight to the southern end was brutal but she had a grin plastered on her face. Somehow, combat made her feel powerful and in control. She bit her lip to hold back a maniacal laughter that threatened to take over her. Instead, Ryder settled for a battle cry as she sent a Shockwave down against the Roekaar. 

“Charges set!” one of them cried out. 

_Fuck._

Ryder took a chance and looked into the distance. There was a Nomad heading her way and she had no way to warn them off. 

**Lyrics taken from[Battle Born by The Killers](https://open.spotify.com/track/52IbZOn3hSl8OVDms3j78h)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me for that cliffhanger.
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)


	35. Collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cora slammed on the brakes as an explosion ignited the southern point. _Mines._ She squinted. “Vetra, what do you see?” she asked. 
> 
> Vetra popped her head out of the Nomad and looked. Her turian eyes far superior to a human’s. “There’s a human biotic fighting the Roekaar just at the south entry point.”
> 
> Now that Vetra had pointed it out, Cora could make out the flashes of blue in the distance. She huffed a breath in relief. At least Ditaeon wasn’t without its defenders. The Nomad surged forward again. _No time to lose._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments last week. I hope you all are still hanging in there. Here's the other side of the cliffhanger from last week. Also I got a render done by Elyhumoid on Tumblr. Link as usual at the end notes.

The surviving Ditaeon security squad were falling back. Wrench tried her best to cover them but there were just too many Roekaar. She would believe it if someone told her this was the entire Kadara Roekaar cell attacking. Bodies littered the streets. Still, Dex had done an admirable job keeping the majority of the civilians off the streets. More than a few colonists had taken up arms to help him as they barricaded themselves inside the largest building in Ditaeon. 

“We’re secure. Waiting for the all clear. Ahh… over,” Dex said. 

Wrench sniggered over the comms. “Hey!” he protested. 

She ignored him and kept her attention on covering the security squad. “Charger, where are you?” Wrench asked over the comms. 

There were just sounds of gunfire and explosions over the comms. “Do you need assistance?”

Ryder’s grunt of pain came over the comms before she spoke. “Is there a quick way to disarm a whole bunch of energy cells turned bombs?” she asked. 

Wrench fired her rifle as she thought about it. Dex chirped up. “It’s faster to detonate them rather than disarm them.”

More gunfire and battle cries. “Makes sense.”

Wrench didn’t hear the explosion through the comms but with her actual ears. It was loud, it roared and it sent a shockwave sweeping through Ditaeon. She winced taking cover on the roof as best as she could while the building shook. Those on the ground were thrown down by the detonation. 

* * *

“Fuck that worked!” Ryder said. 

Her father was shaking his head at her, probably at her stupidity. Ryder didn’t care. It worked and that’s all that matters. She managed to detonate a section of the minefield. Ryder glanced at the entryway. It was barely a quarter of the available space. _Did I get them all?_

Ryder raised her omni tool up to scan so that she could be sure but a concussive shot slammed into her back. Scrambling on her knees and hands she rolled behind cover. There was just no time. Ryder twisted to her side and found her father looking at her. He was gesturing wildly ahead. 

_Yeah, yeah I know there’s fucking more._

* * *

Cora slammed on the brakes as an explosion ignited the southern point. _Mines._ She squinted. “Vetra, what do you see?” she asked. 

Vetra popped her head out of the Nomad and looked. Her turian eyes far superior to a human’s. “There’s a human biotic fighting the Roekaar just at the south entry point.”

Now that Vetra had pointed it out, Cora could make out the flashes of blue in the distance. She huffed a breath in relief. At least Ditaeon wasn’t without its defenders. The Nomad surged forward again. _No time to lose._

* * *

Ryder cursed as she saw the Nomad still coming towards her. She had no time to head them off. Resistance was stiff and she could barely keep herself in one piece. An omni grenade went off at her feet throwing her on her back, taking her shields down. Quickly, Ryder rolled behind cover. Her amp was hot, burning her neck. Her stamina was flagging. And the fight was far from over. 

“Roekaar heading your way, Charger,” Wrench said over the comms. 

Ryder peered around the corner of the wall. Wrench wasn’t referring to the ones from the south but rather than the ones from the north. “Charger, get out of there. You’re getting surrounded.”

“Fuck!” 

Ryder checked her ammo. She didn’t have much left. Her muscles were screaming from exhaustion. She couldn’t go much longer without backup. Ditaeon couldn’t hold out longer without backup either. Backup was coming only from one direction, the south. Ryder gritted her teeth. Her father was nodding at her in her peripheral vision. The Nomad was still headed for her. There was no time, it’s now or never. The south had to be cleared. 

“Keep them off my back!” Ryder yelled. 

She popped from behind cover. Sending a Push in a circle around her. Roekaar were swept off their feet. The first wave knocking over the second. Ryder fired her rifle in a wild sweep, catching many unaware. Reaching the scorched edge of the minefield, she jumped higher than humanly possible, aided by her biotics. At the apex of her jump, layers upon layers of blue shield formed at her hand, curling over her in a wide half dome. Then she flipped, turning head down. With a quick Push behind her, Ryder slammed down shield first hard on the ground. 

* * *

The team was out of the Nomad, running hard towards Ditaeon. With the possibility of a minefield around Ditaeon, Cora couldn’t take the chance. Then there was a flash of powerful biotics that made her body tingled. The lone figure was the only thing holding the Roekaar back. _Hold on!_

Then the biotic launched themselves into the air as they formed a wide shield at their hand as they fell back down towards the earth, head first, arms stretched. Cora frowned even as she closed the distance. Though they were still some distance away, Vetra had stopped to prop her sniper rifle up. The boom of her rifle was a steady beat. The others readied their weapons. Cora fired, at this distance, it was useless. If it forced the enemy to take cover it was worth it. 

The biotic was on their way down now. They fell faster and faster. It was like the ground just caught fire and a volcano erupted from beneath. A shockwave swept out from the epicentre. Cora instinctively pulled up a shield over her team. Still, the blast rocked them and she had to hunch to keep from falling over. _Goddess…_

As soon as the air began to clear, Cora rushed forward. That person was sure to need medical attention if they survived at all. 

* * *

Ryder’s ears were ringing as she staggered to her feet. Shaking her head to clear it, she yelled, louder than strictly necessary, into the comm. “Report!” 

_Gods, let’s not do that again._

Panting, she rested her hands on her knees as she bent over. Her body was a whole mess of aches. Ryder was sure, she would bruise all over from that little stunt.

“That blast took out quite a bit of Roekaar forces but they are still not retreating,” Wrench replied. 

“They are here!!” Dex screamed. 

Though her comms, Ryder could hear gunfire from Dex’s end. She took a couple of steps to test how steady she was. Her father was just ahead of her, pointing towards Dex’s location. _Fine, fine. I get it._ “Hey are you ok?” someone asked. 

Ryder spun around. It was Cora. _Fuck._

She nodded before turning to run. _Cora probably thinks I’m crazy._

“Hey!” Cora called after her. 

_Yeah, I’m crazy._ Ryder ignored her and just ran. _Get Dex out. Then, we’re good to go._

As soon as she was sure she was out of earshot, she said, “Sniper, get ready to pull out. The real calvary is here. I’ll go get our wannabe hero.”

“Got it. Be careful. There’s very little cover between your location and his.”

Music echoed within her helmet. 

_I've seen fire and I've seen grace_   
_You make the world a special place_   
_And I'm still tired but I'm awake_

_All things are gonna dissipate_

She ran and ran and ran.  
  
 _And I'll sit quiet and meditate_   
_Maybe on another day_   
_And I've acquired a brand new fate_   
_All things are gonna dissipate my awe_

Her hands slammed in a fresh magazine into her rifle. It was her last. Then, it would be her pistol and biotics. Neither would last forever. But with the Tempest crew on the ground, she didn’t need forever, she just needed a little longer. 

The Tempest crew was hot on her heels. Everyone, including the remaining Roekaar forces were converging on Dex’s location. The Roekaar ahead had their back facing them. Neither Ryder nor the crew let that opportunity passed. 

* * *

Cora was amazed. The biotic turned out to be a lady dressed in just a leather jacket, cargo pants, her head encased in a crash helmet of all things. No armour, no shields, and barely adequate weapons. Yet she walked out of that explosion unscathed. Before Cora had her bearings about her, the biotic was off. Either the biotic didn’t hear Cora when she called out or she was ignoring them. Cora had no idea which. 

“Liam, Peebee,” Cora said. “Clear the area towards the north. The rest of you with me.”

The Roekaar finally realising they had enemies on their backs, were firing back. Cora and Scott fought side by side, as they worked their way towards the largest structure Ditaeon had to offer. Even from their distance, Cora could tell the holo-lock was red. One tech was outside trying to hack it. It continuously flickered between green and red. “Good boy,” a muffled voice said. 

She turned and realised it was the biotic. The biotic ducked her head after realised Cora was looking. The biotic worked well with her team. Weaving and bobbing in and out among the Roekaar. She kept the Roekaar off their flanks and shielded them when required. For someone whom they had just met, Cora’s breath was taken away at the ease they all worked together. _Goddess, can I recruit her? She’ll make a good addition to the team._

“Cora!” Scott yelled a warning as a Roekaar fired at her. 

Just as she was about to raise her own shields, the figure Charged in with her arm extended. In her hand, a small silver blade glinted in the sun, not the usual omni blade that Cora’s used to. The blade took the Roekaar right in the chest. She plunged the blade down in quick succession even as the pistol in her left hand bucked twice, firing point blank into his face. The biotic turned to make sure Cora was fine. Cora took a deep breath to steady herself before nodding once at her. With that, the figure was off again. 

For a moment, Cora thought the figure’s moves felt familiar but the battlefield was no place to examine random thoughts. She turned back to the battle, sending a Shockwave at the enemy as she moved forward. 

* * *

Ryder’s breath caught when she spotted Scott fighting alongside Cora. She should have expected that. Cora would try to bring Scott on board. There was no reason not to. There was room to spare after all. Ryder’s jaw twitched as she looked for Jaal. He was nowhere to be found. _Maybe Cora sent him off somewhere else with orders._ Pressing her back against cover, her father was glaring at her. _Right, right. Get your head straight._

“I can’t keep them back any longer!” Dex yelled. “They are prying the doors open! I can’t do anything about it!”

“Hold on,” Ryder said. “I’m almost there.”

“Sniper, where are you?” 

“On your six,” Wrench replied as her rifle boomed, effectively taking down one of the Roekaar prying the door open. 

“Nice shot,” Ryder said. “Keep them busy.”

“Hurry, it looks like they want to slip an energy cell bomb between the doors.”

“Shit.”

Ryder discarded her rifle, long since empty of ammo. She did what she did best, charging. For a second, she wished she had a shotgun in her hands. _I’ll make do with this shitty pistol._ Ryder dug deep from within the foundations of her reserves and Pull. That lifted Roekaar and their covers alike into the air. “Go, go, go!” Cora shouted, taking advantage of her move. 

Ryder didn’t bother moving behind cover. Dex’s panicked cries in her helmet were all the motivation she needed to keep going. _Trust me, I said. Fuck!_ She didn’t bother with her pistol. Her aim was horrible at the speed she was moving. Her biotics would be the better bet. Then her leg buckled. Ryder fell heavily. Pain radiated from her calf. She rolled quickly to get her back to something solid. A glance told her she took a hit. Blood darkened her pants. _Damn._ Quickly she tore open a pack of medi-gel and smeared the contents over her wound, immediately numbing it. “Rider!” Dex yelled, voice high in panic. 

“Shut up!” she yelled. 

“Quick!” he shouted. “They’re breaking through!”

Ryder forced herself to her feet. Her leg trembled but held. She was just 10m away. A horde of Roekaar separating herself and the door. An energy cell was being passed from one Roekaar to another. _Shit, shit, shit!_

Ryder Charged, ignoring who she was barreling into. Her pistol firing indiscriminately into the press of bodies. Her eyes only for the energy cell. There were two pairs of hands pulling the doors apart. A third pair attempting to push the cell through the doors. Ryder knew she couldn’t get there in time so she did the only thing she could think of. She fucking Pulled with everything she had. 

The energy cell along with the Roekaar clinging to it flew towards her. It was a larger mass than she was expecting. The Roekaar slammed right into her chest. The tangled Roekaar and human pile fell. Ryder’s pistol went spinning away. Pinned by the heavier Roekaar, Ryder had only her biotics to work with. With a twist, she reached into her boot. Her fingers wrapped around her blade. Flicking it open quickly, she plunged it once, twice and thrice into the Roekaar’s back. All the while, she kept a death grip on the energy cell bomb. 

The Roekaar twisted around to face Ryder. He clamped one hand around her throat while the other still tight on the cell. Neither was willing to relinquish their grip. Ryder felt her airway being steadily crushed under the Roekaar’s larger hand. She tightened her grip on her blade and stabbed relentlessly. In then out. Blue blood fell in dribs and drabs all over her face. Ryder’s vision was tunnelling. Her heartbeat loud in her ears. Her breaths came quick and shallow. With a surge of strength, she Pushed her blade right into his throat. His arm loosened its grip around her throat. She sucked a big gulp of sweet air down in a coughing fit. The Roekaar gurgled, “Enjoy.”

With a depressed button, he released the energy cell as he slumped down in agony. Ryder looked at the beeping energy cell in her hand. _Fuck, he armed it._

There was no time. 

Dex and the surviving civilians were just beyond that door. Behind, the Tempest crew still engaged with the remaining Roekaar. There was nowhere to go. 

The beeping was shrill and urgent. Its red light flashed quicker. Ryder stepped on the fallen Roekaar and used him as a jumping block. Her amp seared her flesh as she grunted with effort. Pushing downwards against him, Ryder jumped. Her biotics boosted her higher than she could ever jump. Ryder’s fingers tingled as energy surged through her body. She wrapped the cell in layers of shield before finally launching it into the air with the biggest Push she could possibly muster. Ryder screamed as her amp flared hotter than it ever did.

The cell exploded.

* * *

Wrench watched as the human did the impossible. The cell flew higher and higher. Just as it reached its apex, it exploded. Shrapnel and bomb bits scattered across the sky. She raised a hand to shield herself. “No!” she shouted as the human started to plunge back to earth. 

She was limp, her fall uncontrolled. She wasn’t even slowing down. Wrench vaulted from the roof to a lower level. She didn’t know what she could do but her legs just carried her forward. Wrench saw the door keeping Roekaar out being forced open from the inside. A familiar turian was wriggling his way out. 

Dex closed his eyes in concentration for a quick moment. When he opened them, he gathered his energy in his palm before sending it upwards towards the falling human. It surrounded her but it barely made a difference. “No!” he yelled. 

As she drew near, Wrench saw a figure in black and white Initiative armour raised an arm towards the human. Instantly her fall slowed in midair. The quick meeting between human and ground transited to a smooth gradual gentle descend. The human was carefully settled onto the earth, limp and unconscious. 

The Initiative crew quickly mopped up the remaining Roekaar though a majority of them still escaped. The one in black and white armour pulled her helmet off to reveal a blonde headed human underneath. She bent over their human. “No!” Wrench shouted, this time directing it at the blonde. 

_What’s did the human said about helmets?_

* * *

Cora was glad she was able to return the favour to the biotic. That was a crazy move she had attempted and thanked the fucking goddess it worked. Otherwise, the blast would have killed or seriously injured everyone in the area. She moved quickly over to the unconscious biotic. The blast must have knocked her out. Her fingers worked quickly to remove the helmet. 

A salarian armed with a sniper rifle was running towards them. _Her friend?_ Cora pulled the helmet off. Then she froze. 

“Ryder?” Cora whispered the name like a prayer. 

It was unmistakable. Yes, she was thinner, gaunt even. Her hair was a different colour, half of it shaved. A tattoo running along the side of her head. “Ryder!” she shouted. 

Scott turned, thinking she was calling for him. He hurried over but was stopped by the salarian. He stared at the sniper rifle levelled at his chest. His eyes glided over to Cora and rested on the limp form on the ground. His eyes widened. “Sara!” he shouted, making to get over to her side. 

“Freeze!” the salarian shouted. “Nobody move.”

Cora exchanged a glance with Scott. A younger turian joined the salarian, a pistol held out against them. Vetra and Drack stared at the strange standoff. They added their guns to the mix. “Get away from her,” the salarian warned. 

“Who are you?” Scott asked. 

“You don’t need to know that. She’s with us.” the salarian said evenly, her steady aim with her rifle meant business. 

“Yeah!” the turian added. 

The salarian seemed to stifle a reaction at that. She jerked her chin at the turian. He quickly scrambled over to pull Sara out of her arms. “Keep your hands up and nobody needs to get hurt.”

Cora nodded at Scott who was bristling. She knew they were all on the same side but finding Sara here had thrown her off balance. _Was she here on Kadara all this time? Why was she here? Does she have any part in this Perseus - Roekaar situation?_

Cora gritted her teeth. She wanted answers. As the turian dragged Sara’s limp body across the ground, Sara started groaning. All eyes zoomed right on Sara but she remained stubbornly unconscious. 

“Are you letting them take the kid?” Drack asked. 

Cora stood carefully, keeping her hands up. “We’re all on the same side here,” she said. 

“I don’t know you. I don’t trust you,” the salarian said.

The salarian kept a close eye on Cora and Scott, her finger steady on the trigger. Cora wasn’t taking any chances with a sniper rifle. Though they would be able to take her down nobody, even with a shield and armour, would be able to walk away unscathed from a sniper round at close range. 

“What I do know,” the salarian said, glancing at the turian who had one of Sara’s arm over his shoulder. “She’s coming with us.”

“No!” Scott yelled. “She’s my sister. Who is she to you?”

The salarian cocked her head, her mouth twisted into a grimace. Instead the turian piped up. “She’s my teacher and she’s fucking awesome. She just saved all of us. Now, get out of the way!”

Scott was a little floored by the response. _Sara, what in hell’s bells were you up to all this time? Why didn’t you come home?_ “I’m coming with you!” Scott insisted, taking a step towards Sara. 

Drack shifted as well. “No,” the salarian said. “Not all of you.”

“I’m not letting all of you near her,” she said. “I can see you all need answers but you all can’t come. Just two of you.”

The salarian pointed at Scott and Cora. “Leave your weapons here. You can come with us.”

Scott glanced at Cora, his eyes pleading. She knew he had to go. Scott had been worried and thinking about Sara for months. There was no way he would let her out of his sight when she was so close, not after that vid they recovered. “Go, I’ve got to…” Cora said as she gestured at the state of Ditaeon. 

Scott nodded tightly. “I’ll ping you once I have a location.”

The salarian shook her head. “No,” she said. “I’ll ping you if I deem you trustworthy.”

“Fine,” Scott spat. 

“Let’s go.”

Cora watched as the strange salarian and turian pair half carried, half dragged Sara away between them. They rebuffed Scott’s offer to help. Scott could only trail uselessly behind them, fists clenched at his side. 

_Goddess, Sara…_

**Lyrics taken from[Disspate by Sam Garrett]()**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)


	36. Questions and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott walked over, skirting Kiba’s protective position in front of the bunker. He sank heavily down on the sofa opposite Wrench, as if his legs gave out, taking her human’s usual spot. Her eyes narrowed further. She didn’t quite understand the flare of possessiveness over a spot on the sofa. 
> 
> _Her human._ Wrench turned the thought around in her head. Was the human really hers? Yes, Wrench was familiar with her, had a business relationship with her. But _her human_? Really? Wrench glanced at the closed door. _You don’t get much closer after you have seen her at her worst. Choked her out, patched her up, fought side by side with her._ Kiba had her head resting on her paws, eyes watchful. _Even winning over Kiba. Nobody wins over Kiba._ There was no denying she was one of them. Whatever they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos for the previous chapter. Here's the much-anticipated reunion. Hopefully it lives up to expectations!

Wrench watched the male who claimed to be _her human_ ’s brother. _No, not brother, twin._ He paced her workshop. “What’s your name?” she asked. 

He paused mid-step at her question. Turning his head to her, Wrench saw his brown eyes was caught between relief and anger. _Hmmm… brown like hers but brown is a common eye colour among humans. Proves nothing._

“Scott,” the human said. “Scott Ryder.”

Wrench’s only reaction to the Ryder name was a slight narrowing of her eyes. Who hasn't heard of the other Ryder? Shield of Meridian and the Bloody Blade. An oxymoron of a larger than life personality with feats longer than her arm. But that was Sara Ryder the ex-Pathfinder. This here was most definitely not Sara Ryder unless Wrench was terribly mistaken. Her eyes flicked over to the closed bunker door and she pursed her lips.

Wrench watched Scott turned back to his pacing. He had been at it for hours. Up and down, like he was on perimeter patrol. Every couple of steps a quick glance at the bunker, just to check if the door still remained closed. A sigh every time it was. His brow knitted in worry while he completed another circuit. He looked, walked and talked exactly like one of those Nexus types. People who had the luxury of proper resources, a space station which supported their needs and the ability to look down at the ones who had to do anything just to eek out a living. _Her_ human definitely didn’t come across as one of them when Wrench met her. She was one of the survivors now no matter where she came from before. 

“What’s her name?” Wrench asked, pointed one of her three fingers at the closed bunker door. 

Scott walked over, skirting Kiba’s protective position in front of the bunker. He sank heavily down on the sofa opposite Wrench, as if his legs gave out, taking her human’s usual spot. Her eyes narrowed further. She didn’t quite understand the flare of possessiveness over a spot on the sofa. 

_Her human._ Wrench turned the thought around in her head. Was the human really hers? Yes, Wrench was familiar with her, had a business relationship with her. But _her human_? Really? Wrench glanced at the closed door. _You don’t get much closer after you have seen her at her worst. Choked her out, patched her up, fought side by side with her._ Kiba had her head resting on her paws, eyes watchful. _Even winning over Kiba. Nobody wins over Kiba._ There was no denying she was one of them. Whatever they were.

Scott raised an eyebrow, his suspicions aroused, not that Wrench cared. “She didn’t tell you? I mean it’s an easy guess if you already know my name.”

_True but I don’t just trust random strangers that come into my home and tell me they had the Ryder name._

Wrench didn’t reply. She had her suspicions since that incident with the Remnant console. Still wasn’t it far-fetched to think the ex-Pathfinder was the one she had been doing business with all along? 

_Girl, it’s time to lay all the cards on the table, the chickens have come home to roost._

Dex, who was hovering behind, hissed in frustration. _Of course, the boy wanted her real name._ Wrench ignored him. “Fine,” Scott said, leaning back against the sofa, his fingers kneading his temples. “How long has she been here? What was she doing with you? Who are you two? Are you even sure she’s fine in there?”

Wrench laughed. Her mouth split open wide. “You sure, you’re related?” she asked. “She wasn’t ever so nosy.”

Scott clamped his mouth shut, frustration clear in the set of his shoulders. Dex and Wrench had carried Ryder between them into the bunker and promptly shut the door behind them. Leaving Scott to face a growling Kiba. Wrench chased Dex out of the room after she was sure Ryder was breathing and not bleeding. Everything else was beyond her abilities. 

“We have a medical doctor on the Tempest. She should come and check on her,” Scott pointed out. 

“So you say.”

“Why don’t you trust me?” he asked. “I’ve done nothing!”

“This is Kadara,” Wrench pointed out. 

Scott fell silent again. His sigh of helplessness loud in Wrench’s workshop.

Wrench did send Dex to get Nakamoto to take a look at her unconscious human. It took a while to get Nakamoto here. He did a double take at the new guest pacing around Wrench’s place but Nakamoto kept his mouth shut. He examined the human under Wrench’s watchful eyes. “Mostly biotics exhaustion,” he announced when he was done. “Just make sure you apply medi-gel on that leg wound.”

Wrench nodded. She glanced at Scott, her eyes weighing him. “Pay him,” she said. 

Scott frowned but did as she asked. Wrench nodded. _Maybe what he said might be true. Nobody spends a single credit on some random stranger._

Now they all were settling in for a long wait. “I’m Wrench,” she said introducing herself. “The turian is Dex.”

Scott nodded. “Can I send my location now?”

It had been four hours. The human seemed sincere enough. At least it was obvious to Wrench that he cared for their human. She nodded. “Just one other person, not the krogan or turian. And no weapons.”

He sighed and quickly tapped a quick message. 

* * *

He hadn’t eaten anything since the excitement at Ditaeon and the discovery of Sara. Scott was starving. His stomach growled. The way the turian was shooting him looks wasn’t making him any happier. The salarian who called herself Wrench _Obviously not her real name._ always seemed to be having a silent laugh at his expense. She walked over to the pantry and popped a can of dog food open. The white husky perked up but never left her position from in front of Sara’s door. _How in hell’s bells did they get a husky on Kadara?_ The husky glowered at Scott. _That dog is fucking illegal._

Wrench put the bowl down for the dog and she tossed something in the direction of the turian. Something small and rectangular hit him in the chest. Scott realised it was a ration bar. “What’s this?” he asked. 

“Lunch, dinner,” Wrench replied with a shrug. “Food.”

Scott’s mouth twisted in distaste but he unwrapped the bar. He ate with a grimace on his face. Wrench laughed. “You Nexus types are just too spoilt.”

“Rider eats these all the time,” Dex said. “It’s like the only thing she eats.”

Scott stared at the turian. “So you do know her name!”

“No, it’s just a nickname,” Dex explained. 

Wrench sighed and shook her head. Dex fell silent. There was a beep on Wrench’s omni tool. Cora was here. She de-activated the lock and the door slid open. Cora strode in, weariness etched across her face but her posture stiff and straight, as if walking into a battle zone. She paused for a moment taking in the sight of Scott having a ration bar meal with the salarian and turian. Then a loud growl filled the air. Her eyes snapped to the husky. “You got a dog?” she cried incredulously.

Introductions were quickly made and Cora ended up with a ration bar in her hand. The awkward silence was almost deafening in the room. Dex looked uncomfortable, unused to inaction and waiting while the salarian was happily pottering around with her projects, ignoring them. For all she said about not trusting them, she was perfectly contented for them to invade her personal space. Scott exchanged a glance with Cora as he brought her up to speed with the situation. 

“Makes sense,” Cora said. “Given what I’ve seen her do today. I’m not surprised she has totally emptied herself biotically.”

Scott sighed. “I just wish… I don’t know what I wish. I wish this shit never happened in the first place.”

Cora knew what he meant. “Hey, she’s fine. She’ll be fine. We found her. That’s all that matters now.”

She took his larger hands in hers and squeezed. Wrench looked at their hands then back at her work, not commenting on what was happening. Dex, on the other hand, seemed vibrating with curiosity. “You say your name is Cora Harper right?” he asked. 

Cora nodded cautiously. “And you’re Scott Ryder?” he turned towards Scott. 

“Yeah, I am.”

Dex turned to Wrench, his mandibles flapping in excitement. “Shut up, Dex,” Wrench said without looking up at him. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

The turian shook his head and schooled his features back into the sullen and cold teenager before Cora’s arrival. “Right, right,” he said.

Cora looked at Wrench then at and Dex and couldn’t help wonder how Sara had fallen in with them. 

* * *

She wasn’t fast enough. The energy cell was going to go off! Her biotics was depleted. Why was it gone? A flash of memory lanced through her mind. An injection at the back of her neck. Countless pinpricks each one keeping her from being whole. Shit! She threw herself forward, wrapping the cell with her own body. It didn’t explode. Why? Then that familiar laughter rang out from around her. The cell had turned into that flask. That fucking flask. It had cracked in her hands. It burnt her skin. It melted her flesh. Ryder screamed and screamed, all the while no sound came out of her mouth. 

Ryder jolted into awareness. Her heart racing. She blinked to get rid of the afterimage of her nightmare from her vision. Sitting up, her hands gripped the frame of the cot. _Nightmare, just a nightmare._ As her eyes got accustomed to the darkened room, her eyes snapped to the figure leaning against the wall, hidden in the shadows. Ryder flinched, her heart gave a violent lurch. “Fuck,” she cursed under her breath. “Can you not do that?”

Burying her face in her hands as she tried to steady herself. The figure peeled away from the wall and stepped closer to her. Her father looked a little different. He wasn’t angry like he usually was. Ryder frowned a little as he knelt in front of her, his shoulders hunched. His hand moved to rest on her knee but he stopped himself. “What’s wrong with you?” she asked, confused by his show of concern. “This isn’t like you.”

Her father shook his head and jerked her head towards the door. There were voices coming in from behind the door. She remembered. _Fuck._ Levering herself to her feet, Ryder trudged towards the door. Her father gave her a pitying look before melting back into the shadows. _Great, you’re leaving me to face the music alone. Some father you are._

The door was unlocked. She snorted. _I guess I wasn’t having an episode._ With a hiss, the door slid open and Ryder shielded her eyes with the sudden light. Instantly, Kiba was jumping on her, licking her face and demanding for a belly rub all at the same time. She slapped a hand on the wall to steady herself but her hand slipped. Within seconds, a pair of hands wrapped themselves around her shoulders. Ryder blinked. “Sara,” the voice whispered, cracking a little. 

Her beautiful brother buried his face against her shoulder. His arms tightened around her in a hug. For a moment, her arms were slacked by her side. Then, like the lock she had around her emotions was undone. Ryder raised her arms and linked them around Scott. “Hey,” she managed to croak, her voice thick in her throat. 

They stood like that for a moment before Wrench cleared her throat pointedly. Ryder pushed Scott, breaking the embrace. She gave him a weak smile before limping over to the sofa and collapsed into her usual spot. Kiba immediately settled herself next to Ryder, effectively ousting Scott from the sofa. With hands that practically moved on its own accord, she began to scratch Kiba’s upturned belly. 

Her eyes scanned the room. Scott, Cora but no Jaal. _Why should I expect him here? I’ve broken trust in the worse possible way, what right do I have over him, anyone, anything?_ Still, his absence stung. Her mind couldn’t help but travel down dark roads. _Where is he? Am I dead to him?_ Her jaw twitched as she worked to rein her thoughts in. 

Ryder groaned as she stretched her wounded leg out. “Erm… so…” she said, not sure how to do this. 

_How does a person actually explain why one ran away? What one had been up to for the past nine or so months? The things one had done to just stay alive?_

She sighed, meeting Cora’s eyes. Her hazelnut eyes were inscrutable. They met hers head-on, even and sure. Ryder rubbed her scar, fingers tracing it back and forth, as she turned her eyes to Scott. His were easier to read. Happiness and worry all mixed in one. _Gods, I wish they were angry. At least I can deal with anger. I don’t know how to deal with kindness._

She looked at Wrench. The salarian was amused. _Of course, she’s amused._ Ryder groaned inwardly as she flicked her eyes over to Dex. She could tell he was practically bursting with questions. She rolled her eyes and prayed he had learnt enough to know when to shut up. “Guess I’ll take my honest answer now,” Wrench said, breaking the tension. 

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay…” Ryder said cautiously. _An odd choice but sure._ “Hit me.”

“Who are you?”

“Really?” she asked, frowning. “That’s what you were going to ask? Now?”

Wrench shrugged. “These two I don’t know, don’t trust and don’t care about. They can tell me you’re human and I’ll have a hard time believing them,” she explained pointing at Scott and Cora. “You, on the other hand, has been decent for a person surviving on Kadara. Tell me that you’re Commander Shepard reborn and I might just believe you.”

“Really?” Ryder snorted. “Me? Commander Shepard. You must be joking.”

“That’s just an example, maybe a little far fetched.”

“A little?”

Scott and Cora followed the exchange with interest. “And decent? Have you met me? Tell that to Umi and all the people I’ve booted from Kralla’s Song with my knife. Hell, ask Dex.”

“You’re decent,” Dex added solemnly. “First, that Eiroch, then at that Remnant site, that’s twice you’ve saved my life. Taking me on as a student is the cherry on top.”

Scott raised both his eyebrows and glanced at Cora before returning his eyes to Ryder. She sighed as she shook her head. “Training you for a week, does not a teacher make.”

“So, who are you?” Wrench pressed. “If you’re not Commander Shepard.”

Her jaw twitched. _Shepard, gods a name I’ve not heard or thought about in a long time._ She shook her head. “I can never be Shepard. I’m not good enough,” Ryder said forcefully, old memories welled up. _A story for another time._

Wrench’s eyes narrowed. _Fuck._ Ryder glanced at her father who was standing behind Scott, eyes gentle, chest puffed up with pride as he looked his son over. _Gods, even in death._ The familiar old pain was coming back. 

Folding her good leg up against her chest, Ryder rested her elbows on her knee. Her hand moved from the side of her head to the scar at her eyebrow. Scott’s gaze felt like a laser tracing the tracks her escape had left on her face. Ryder fought not to react. 

Nine months of habit was hard to break. After all, she had been banking on staying hidden by obscurity. Just saying her own name felt like the hardest thing in the world to do. 

“Sara Ryder,” she said, voice clipped as if the name felt a bitter taste on her tongue. 

“You ARE the Pathfinder!” Dex cried as he surged to his feet. 

“Not anymore,” Ryder said, looking away.

Dex’s mandibles went wide in what, Ryder didn’t know. She didn’t want to say it was awe because it would have been too much to shoulder. _I don’t want your trust. I don’t want your admiration. Keep it._

“There, was that so hard?” Wrench said, without missing a beat. 

Ryder frowned. “Why ask if you already guessed it?”

She just shrugged. “You can’t run from who you really are.”

* * *

Scott watched his baby sister yawned, eyes tired and ringed with shadow. The scar on her scalp on prominent display. It felt so much like a slap in the face every time he laid eyes on it. A sign that he had failed her, in so many ways. Her eyes met his before glancing at a point just behind him. There was a flash of hurt in her eyes. Scott was taken aback by its intensity 

“Sara,” Cora spoke up. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

She just grunted in response, grabbing a ration bar and stuffing it into her mouth. Scott marvelled a little at her ability to eat it without making a face. _I guess the turian was right about that._ Nobody moved except the dog, who was nuzzling Sara’s free hand for more belly rubs. Scott felt a small pang of jealousy at the dog’s acceptance of Sara. He pushed the childish thought aside. 

“Some things just can’t wait,” Sara said downing the last bit of ration bar. “So, what do you want to know?”

The questions came fast and free. Sara answered them in turn. Some answers curt and short, others long and rambling. 

She made sure they knew her reasons for leaving. _An accident which got compounded by Scott and Drack’s plan._

Her reasons for not following through with the plan laid out. _One black sheep from the Ryder family was good enough._ Cora glared at Scott at Sara’s response. She laughed. 

Where she’s been since. _Here and there. Mostly here._

Who was she to Wrench and Dex. There, Sara paused. Her lips flattened, eyes darted between the salarian and turian. She sighed. _Business partners. Allies. Maybe… friends._ Dex’s eyes brightened at that admission while Sara rubbed her hands over her face. 

Was she still missing time? Another long pause and a quick nod. _I’ve found ways to prevent another Meridian. With some help._ As she gestured at Wrench and Dex.

Sara had her head tilted back against the sofa by this time. Her voice getting softer and her answers getting slower. Finally, there was just light snoring. Scott glanced at Cora. She sighed. “She needs the sleep. The four hours she had was barely enough,” she said. “The last time she did 20 hours and she wasn’t doing half of what she did.”

Dex puffed his chest at them as he eyed them with a vicious glare. “And there’s no way I’m letting you arrest her!”

Cora smiled. _Sara just seemed to be able to pull people into her orbit no matter where she is._ “I’m not here to arrest her but there are things she needs to know about,” she said. 

Scott nodded, knowing she was referring to the vid they had recovered. Cora’s omni tool chimed. It was Vetra. They stood up and walked into the bunker to have a private conversation.

“Go for Cora,” she said. 

“I’ve shown the vid to Drack,” she said. “He’s not taking it well.”

“That’s probably an understatement,” Scott said flatly. “Nobody will take it well.”

“He was going on and on about this must have been the reason why Ryder, sorry Sara, had been missing time,” Vetra continued. 

“We won’t know for sure till Lexi gets a chance to examine her,” Cora said. “I don’t know if she will go.”

Scott opened his mouth to say Sara would go but he closed it. Nine months living under such conditions had changed Sara. He could see it in her eyes. Some of the things she had done, she had described them in great details. Scott had to fight his own reactions. He wasn’t the one on the run, barely having enough to eat, eking out a living on one of the most hostile planets. How could he judge her for the things she had done, had to do?

“SAM said he would need more time to fully decrypt and recover the rest of the files,” Vetra reported. 

“Understood,” Cora said. 

“Bring her home, Cora,” Vetra whispered. 

Scott watched as Cora straightened her back, her face grim with determination. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)


	37. Cetus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She turned to the central table and waited. “SAM?”
> 
> The holo-screen came to life. A word was displayed prominently among the data thrown up on the screen. 
> 
>  
> 
> **Cetus**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments, I really appreciate it! And oh looky here, a chapter that shares the same name as the story! Revelations here we go. Oh I have a few new art commissions for those not following me on Tumblr. Art gets released there first.

Cora and Scott flanked her as she walked down the port. All eyes were on her. The crazy bitch that used to work security at Kralla’s Song escorted by the current human Pathfinder and her second. She was nervous. Her instincts told her to run. _Now. Go and never look back. Forget about your brother. Forget about what once was. It’s never yours to begin with. Your father would have left it for Scott, not you. You were just a stand-in. You weren’t ever wanted. Why he saved your life is a fucking damned mystery._

Her eyes flicked over to her father. He was walking just ahead of her. His rifle in his hands. _Why does it feel like he’s marching me to my execution?_ Not for the first time, Ryder wished he would talk. There were so many questions she had for him. 

Scott had coaxed, cajoled and finally begged. “Why?” Ryder asked her brother. “I am no longer the Pathfinder. You can’t be harbouring a fugitive. I shouldn’t even be hanging around on Kadara, if I want to stay one step ahead of whoever Tann had set on my tail. I should leave now.”

“We…” Scott started then he grimaced, looking away unable to continue. 

Ryder stared at him in confusion. It was so clear to her why couldn’t he see it. It’s for all their sakes, right?

Cora picked up where Scott left off. “We found something recently. It may have something to do with… your missing time.” 

Ryder jerked her eyes over to Cora. _You’d drop a bombshell like that? Or was this just a tactic to get me on the Tempest? Had Tann pressured the team to apprehend me? But they didn’t know I was on Kadara or did Nakamoto talked?_ She growled a deep rumble of frustration. The walls were closing in and she had nowhere to run. The tiny little space she had carved out for herself was rapidly crumbling around her. Her jaw twitched. Ryder craved for the bite of the tattoo gun. 

Dex was obviously unhappy that she had agreed to do this. His distrust was obvious. Kiba, on the other hand, was disappointed that the belly rubbing session was over. Wrench just shrugged as she usually did, unmoved by most things. “You’ll come back?” Dex asked, looking for all the world like a five-year-old, not the fifteen-year-old he was. 

“Yeah,” Ryder said keeping her voice steady for both their sakes, she didn’t need a half-cocked biotic storming the Tempest. “Just keep practising on your own. I’ll ping you when I’m done. Please keep your mouth shut about this. All of this.”

Dex nodded, surprisingly, not protesting. 

* * *

Her earpiece was blaring music as she walked the familiar pathways of the port, past the stalls she frequented, past Kralla’s Song. 

_There's a road that takes me home_

_Take me fast or take me slow_

The beat pounding in her ears as the melodic voice soothed her frazzled nerves. 

_Throw my head out the window_

_Feel the wind, make me whole_

It was an odd mingling of her past and present. Ryder didn’t know what to make of the strange stirrings deep in her chest. 

_Write my name up in the sky_

_As we contemplate goodbye_

_I don't know, we don't know, where we go_

Her boots clanked against the down ramp leading towards the Tempest. It was familiar and foreign all at the same time. It’s like coming home to your childhood home finding things had changed. Not one big thing but all the tiny details that’s different. Deja Vu but not really. Ryder forced herself to suppress the shudder that ran down her spine.

The entire gang was there. _Welcoming me? Keeping an eye on me?_ She shook herself mentally. Ryder refused to let paranoia get the better of her as she pocketed her earpiece. 

“So what’s this thing you found?” she asked Cora, ignoring the others, eager to get it over and done with. 

“That’s not the deal, Sara,” Cora replied. “Let Lexi examine you first, then the intel.”

“Fine,” she grunted.

Drack stepped up and slapped her on the back. It staggered her, she winced as she put additional pressure on her wounded leg. “Good to see you, kid,” he said gruffly before enveloping her in a hug. 

Ryder rested her head against his armour covered chest. She intended to keep everyone at an arm’s length but Ryder couldn’t help it. The Tempest, the once home, surrounded by people she knew, truly knew her. Ryder surrendered and took comfort in the solidity of Drack’s arms. Her arms were reluctant to let go of him. It was reaching safe harbour after being battered by the raging seas. The months had been rough and for a moment she was without any reservation protected in his embrace. Ryder buried her face in the krogan’s chest. “Yeah, it’s good to see you too.”

“Great work on Dartmoor, I must say,” he said. “I managed to squeeze the truth out of him eventually.”

Ryder just grinned, unguardedly. Then, the others came crowding around her, remarking on her change in hairstyle, the new hair colour. Liam was particularly excited about her ink. Peebee pulled her in for a hug before finishing with a smooch on her cheek. Vetra’s mandibles were so wide, Ryder thought it would never fold flat back against her face again. Gil, Suvi and Kallo took turns asking about her adventures, giving her hugs and squeezing her shoulder. She gave them all a highly abbreviated version of what Cora and Scott got. 

These moments were precious. With all five senses, she took it all in. Every single sight, sound, scent and feel were precious. _Well, taste’s maybe a bit much._ Ryder tried to store them in her heart. Yet at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to trust these interactions. Ryder didn’t want what these memories turned to ashes in her mouth when she inevitably had to go again. She was the stone that everyone flowed around.

Finally, Lexi pushed passed all of them. “Ryder,” she greeted. “You’ve not been taking care of yourself.”

“It’s a little hard to,” Ryder replied. “Being on the run and all.”

“Come on, my med-bay has been empty without you,” she said leading the way. 

“Burn!” Liam cried, laughing. 

Ryder just ducked her head and followed Lexi. 

The faint scent of antiseptic and medi-gel was familiar and reassuring. It’s a scent Ryder had associated with Lexi. Without prompting, she hoped onto one of the beds. Lexi did her routine full-body omni tool scan. She paused at Ryder’s calf. Looking pointedly at Ryder, Lexi sighed as she got a fresh pack of medi-gel. Ryder pulled the leg of her pants up. The cool gel numbed the wound as Lexi re-apply the medi-gel before re-dressing it. She jerked her head at Ryder’s jacket and shirt. Matching sigh for sigh, Ryder huffed a breath out through her mouth as she took her jacket off. There was a mess of bruises visible through the ripped sleeves of her shirt. “The medi-gel is not going to do anything for the bruises,” Ryder said. 

“At least you can stop moving like you’re as stiff as a board,” Lexi pointed out. 

Ryder could be stubborn but Lexi could give her a run for her credits. Giving in, she took off her shirt and pulled her tank top up to her armpits. Cora observed from her perch on a stool. Exhaling through her mouth, Ryder relaxed a little as the medi-gel numbed her bruises. She kept her tank top rolled up as she waited for the gel to dry. “So what’s this intel?”

Cora exchanged a look with Lexi. “What?” Ryder growled, disliking the knowing looks. The lightness she felt earlier rapidly evaporating. Her instincts screaming at her to run.

“You’ve seen the vid, Lexi?” Cora asked. 

Lexi nodded, wincing. “What vid?” Ryder pressed, pulling her tank top down, not caring if the gel was still wet. 

Her tank top stuck to her skin uncomfortably as she started to dress. She wasn’t about to stick around if this was just a ploy to get her on the Tempest. As much Ryder loved to see her friends again, it’s just too dangerous for her to be recognised and be seen with any of them. 

“Just one more scan,” Cora said. “Please, trust me.”

Ryder glared at Cora, weighing her options. Her need for answers had never diminished but she just didn’t have leads to pursue or resources to follow through. Now there’re answers being served up to her on a silver platter. _Is it too good to be true? Can I still trust them?_

Ryder’s mind recoiled at that thought. _Has it come down to this?_ She stared at Cora and then at Lexi. Her hand twitched. She slammed the thought into the back of her mind. No matter what, they were a team who had stood by her side through everything. _Everything._

_I was the one who chose to go._

“Fine,” Ryder snarled. 

Lexi flinched at the vehemence of her answer. Ryder instantly regretted her tone but she kept her face impassive. Cora nodded at Lexi. The doctor came around to her back. “Bend your head down,” she said. “I’m going to scan your amp.”

“My amp?” Ryder frowned but followed the instructions. 

Nobody bothered to elaborate. Cora joined Lexi behind her. Ryder could hear the faint buzzing of the omni tool scanner. The hairs on the back of her head stood as it passed over. Silence. _What the fuck is going on?_

Ryder turned to find Cora and Lexi conferring over her scans. “Found what you’re looking for?” she asked. 

Lexi sighed. “No, we didn’t find what we expected.”

“What exactly are you expecting?” Ryder asked. “It’s just the amp back there.”

Cora shook her head. “I think you need to see this,” she said, as she beckoned Ryder out of the med-bay. She followed. Cora led her to the bio lab. Not where she was expecting but Ryder shrugged and followed. Scott was already there along with Vetra and Drack. Lexi came in behind them completing Ryder’s entourage. Her father was lurking next to Scott, visible to nobody but her. Ryder eyed all of them. This was highly unusual. 

Drack clapped a hand on her shoulder and said, “Kid, I’ve got your back. You know that right?”

Ryder’s instincts were blaring. _Run!_ But she pushed it away. There was no way she needed to run from her friends or her brother. Scott stood up from the chair in front of the terminal. “Here,” he said, offering her the seat. 

She shook her head and waited. The hair on Ryder’s arms rising as she glanced at the terminal with a nameless dread. Cora pointed at the screen. “Watch.”

The vid started playing. _Anubis, why is that name so familiar?_

As it went on Ryder’s frown grew deeper and her face darkened. There was nothing she recognised, nothing that stood out other than the highly illegal surgery taking place. Still, a chill ran down her spine. “What am I supposed to be seeing?” she asked as the scene unfolded before her eyes.

Nobody spoke. Her scar gave a sharp twinge as a headache started to form. She shoved both of her hands into her pockets to stop herself from rubbing it. The smooth honey voice was familiar. _So fucking familiar and that codename Anubis… Where did I hear that before?_

Then the figure on the operating table was flipped over. Ryder froze. Thoughts raced like headless chickens around in her head. _Fucking hell, that’s me._ Ryder wheeled about to face the others. “What the fuck?” she shouted. “What the fuck did I just watched?”

Her hands flew to the back of her head. “What the fuck is in my head?” she asked. “Get it out! Get it out!”

Ryder clenched her hands into fists, attempting to keep her cool but it wasn’t really working. The injustice of her entire situation was laid bare. She didn’t know what answers she had expected but not this. “What the fuck is in my head?” she asked again. 

“Sara!” Scott yelled. 

Ryder stopped but her eyes wild. “What the fuck did they do to me?” she asked, pleading for answers, her eyes finding Scott’s. 

She found her panic mirrored in his. Scott wrapped his arms around her the second time in as many days. “Gods, what the fuck did they put into me?” 

Her shoulders shook as she tried to fight herself free from Scott’s arms. Her confusion was rapidly turning into anger. “Scott, what the fuck?”

She glanced at Lexi and Cora. Both of them looked away. Vetra’s mandibles were pressed flat against her face in anger and despair. Even Drack managed to look uncomfortable. Nobody knew what to say.

Scott just tightened his embrace around her but she felt suffocated. It wasn’t protectiveness, it felt like a trap snapping shut around her. “Let go of me!” Ryder screamed. 

Everyone flinched. Ryder pushed her brother off of her, grimacing as she saw the hurt that flashed across his face. As she stalked off to cool her head, nobody followed. Not even her father.

Her traitorous feet had taken her back to her old room. She stood outside it, staring at the door. A sob ripped through her throat, as she sank to the floor. Her left arm was sheathed in biotic blue as she raised it up and slam it against the ground. Tears never did came. _Broken head, broken body. I can’t even fucking cry._

She raised her hand to slam it down again but a cool neutral voice interrupted her.

“Ryder,” the voice called. “Please don’t do that.”

Ryder couldn’t help but grin through her dry sobs. “SAM.”

“Sara.”

“Still as protective of the Tempest as ever,” she said as she sat down on the floor with her back against the wall. 

“I’m sorry, Sara,” SAM said, his inflexion more human-like than before. 

“Why are you apologising?” she asked, rubbing against her scar. There was nobody here to see. It’s just SAM. 

“I’d thought the vid will bring you some closure. I didn’t mean to cause you distress.”

Ryder sighed, her hand rubbing harder against her scar. “I… It just caught me off guard. I didn’t expect… I don’t know what I expected. I thought there is something medically wrong with me. Some head injury from too many battles, too many fights. I don’t know. But definitely not this, not some piece of tech in my fucking head.”

Her fingers found her raised flesh above her amp and she started scratching at it. If she could, she’d rip it out with her bare hands. “Sara, stop.”

Her fingers stilled and fell slack by her side. “Thank you, SAM.”

“Why are you thanking me, Sara? I caused you such anguish. I failed you.”

Ryder shook her head. “Do you know what this means, SAM?”

“No.”

“This means this enemy is something I can fight. It has a face I can put a bullet in,” a feral grin spreading across her face, even as her headache pounded harder.

* * *

Ryder had calmed down somewhat after her talk with SAM. Scott dragged her to the gallery. He remembered tea was one of the ways their mother calmed her down after her fights with their father. Scott pushed a steaming cup of tea between her hands. Sara hadn’t taken a sip yet. Though she had a hungry gleam in her eyes, her head hung low, her entire demeanour tired. Scott sat next to her, shoulders touching. His hands clenched and unclenched. It was just the two of them there. The silence seeped in every single crevice and hole between them. Scott didn’t know what to say. They were close but yet so far apart at the same time. 

They were twins, born of the same womb. They had similar experiences throughout their lives. Well, as close as their father allowed them to have. But ever since coming to Heleus, he saw the vastly different paths they had walked. The past nine months was probably the worst. His baby sister got seriously hurt, suffered both physically and mentally, lost her position as Pathfinder and gone on the run while he joined the Tempest crew, fall in love and found a partner in Cora. Scott sighed, putting a hand on Sara’s shoulder and squeezing. Even if words were inadequate, Scott hoped, he prayed that his presence helped. _It has to._

“Sara,” SAM said, without the usual stiffness Scott was used to. “I have a suggestion to make.”

Sara sat up. “Tell me.”

“Lexi’s scans yielded nothing anomalous but based on the vid, there was obviously something implanted in you,” SAM said. “However we can only speculate how it truly worked. I am still decrypting more files Cora and the team found from the Perseus stronghold. The answer might lie there.”

Sara nodded. The gleam in her eyes sharp and flinty. Scott could almost see the cogs in her mind turning. “Whatever the implant does, it might be too small or weak that your amp is masking it,” SAM said. “That’s why it was never picked up after Havarl or when they removed your Pathfinder implant.”

Scott caught the almost imperceptible flinch at SAM’s words. He just wasn’t sure what part of SAM’s words caused the flinch. 

“So the only way to look is cut into my head and have a look see, right?” Sara asked, rubbing the back of her neck with a grimace on her face. 

“Yes.”

“Lexi can do this?”

“Yes, I’ve checked with Dr T’Perro. She is confident she’ll be able to do it.”

Sara rested her head against the wall behind her. Her eyes closed for a bit. “All right,” she said as she opened her eyes. “Let’s do it.”

* * *

Lexi walked out of the med-bay. Scott was waiting outside while Cora had gone to brief the rest of the crew on what was going on. “How’s Sara?” he asked. 

“She’s sleeping off the sedative I’ve given her,” Lexi said. 

“What did you find?” he asked. 

The doctor shook her head, lines seemed to have etched on her face, ageing her. “The chip is intertwined with her biotic amp and her brain stem. It was crudely done like it’s a prototype than a finished thing. It has a fail-safe. Attempt to remove it, it explodes.”

His eyes widened at the news. “So we just leave it in?” he spat. 

“That’s all we can do now,” Lexi admitted. “We don’t even really know how it works.”

“I can enlighten you on that,” SAM said. “I’ve decrypted the rest of the data we’ve recovered.”

It was then the med-bay door slid open. Sara walked out, with a new bandage on the back of her head. “Sara,” Lexi said. “You should be resting, not up on your feet.”

“SAM told me he has something important to show me,” Sara replied, wincing a little at the new incision site. “So where to, SAM?”

“The meeting room. It’s better to brief everyone at the same time.”

Sara nodded and headed off to the meeting room. Scott hung back and whispered to Lexi. “Have you told her you’ll won’t be able to remove the implant?”

Lexi nodded. “She’s taking it surprisingly well.”

He watched his twin. Her back was a familiar sight to him. As kids, she was always walking ahead, running faster, fighting harder. That didn’t change after they got to Heleus. She was still walking ahead of him, the human Pathfinder. Even now, it’s the same. Sara would always be his beacon. Scott wished she would learn to lean on others for a change. 

_She isn’t taking it well. She’s just bottling it up because she has a mission to complete._

Scott knew his sister well. The stiff set of her shoulders, the flashes of pain as she walked before the quick smoothening of her features, the probably clenched fists in her pockets, the easy smile that hid so much were all there, it just took a trained eye to see them. Sara was barely holding it together. 

* * *

Ryder sighed. She forced her hands to relax. _It’s one thing after another. It’s the Roekaar, then the fucking implant, then the un-removability of that fucking thing._ Clenching her jaw as she tried to keep from growling in frustration. _I really need another tattoo soon._

The rest of the crew were assembled at the meeting room. Many of them had pity on their faces. She didn’t need that, not now. Only Drack met her eyes head on, a grin on his face. “Kid,” he said. 

“Gramps,” Ryder replied, a toothy grin spreading her mouth wide. 

She turned to the central table and waited. “SAM?”

The holo-screen came to life. A word was displayed prominently among the data thrown up on the screen. 

**Cetus**

Her eyes narrowed. “This is the name of the chip, Perseus had implanted in Sara Ryder. It was done when she was captured back on Havarl,” SAM said. 

She closed her eyes. Her world just tilted and she was free falling again. Scott placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. 

“What does the chip do?” Vetra asked. 

“It’s a control chip, similar to those batarians use on their slaves except this doesn’t completely remove the will of the subject. It hijacks their consciousness,” SAM went on. 

Peebee gasped. Ryder opened her eyes and glared at the holo-screen, at the word that had cost her so much. “And it can’t be removed, otherwise my head goes boom?” she asked. 

“Yes,” SAM confirmed. “The schematics of the Cetus chip were unrecoverable. If we had that Dr T’Perro and I might be able to find a way to remove the chip safely. 

“Right,” Ryder said, dragging the word out. 

“I speculate that’s what had happened to Pathfinder Rix as well”

She straightened and looked at Cora. “What happened to Rix?”

“You don’t know?” Liam exclaimed. “He went nuts and attacked the Leadership when he was called in for some questions.”

Ryder flinched. “Shit,” Liam said, turning his eyes from her, suddenly aware what he said mirrored exactly what she had done on Meridian. “Sorry, Ryder. I…”

She took a breath and shook her head. “It’s fine.”

“So, Rix might have a Cetus chip in his head as well. And Perseus is behind this,” Cora said. “With this, we should be able to get you reinstated as Pathfinder.”

Ryder looked over at Cora. _Reinstated? Is that possible? After escaping, no matter how justified it is, I doubt Tann would see it that way._ She shook her head. “I don’t think Tann would go for it,” Ryder said.

“He will just go ‘Everything is fabricated. You have no proof’,” she said, mimicking Tann. 

The crew laughed but there was no real humour in it. “I don’t care about being reinstated. What I want now is to get the bastards behind this. I want this chip out of my fucking head,” Ryder growled. “I don’t want to lose time. I don’t want to be constantly on the edge of murdering people.”

“Have you suffered any episodes since you left?” Lexi asked. 

“There have been some,” she admitted, rubbing at her scar. 

“And…”

“No, there hadn’t been any casualties that I know of,” Ryder said. “I… We have found some measures that helped mitigate the risks of me going crazy.”

“We?”

“Yeah, we,” Ryder said, meeting Lexi’s eyes flatly. 

Lexi stopped her questions. It was clear Ryder had no intention to elaborate. “Hey Ryder,” Vetra said. “I think me and Lexi should be able to cook up something to block whatever signal the Cetus chip is receiving, now that we know how it works.”

Lexi nodded. “Let’s discuss this at the med-bay. I’ve made some detailed scans of the Cetus chip.”

With that, the briefing was over. People drifted one by one over to Ryder’s side. A kind word here, a comforting touch there and pretty soon, it was only the Ryder twins left in the meeting room. Her brother bumped his shoulder against hers. “Hey,” he said. “Are you all right?”

Ryder shook her head. “How can I be?” she growled. 

Her brother shifted away from her. _Shit._ Ryder was having a hard time switching back to how she was before this flaming pile of shit descended upon her life. The instinct to push back, harder and faster was too strong. Nobody offered help out of the kindness of their hearts, not on Kadara, not anywhere else. _Fuck, it’s only the persistence of Dex that I got to know him better. Wrench, well… she’s even more of an enigma than I am._

Ryder pushed off from the central table and turned away from her brother. “Where are you going?” he called after her. 

“I need some air.”

Scott nodded but followed quickly after her. “You’re going to follow me?” she asked, an eyebrow arched in the air. “Are you afraid I might bolt?”

“I just found you, Sara,” he said. “I can’t lose you again.”

A small smile perked the edges of her downturned mouth. “We Ryders got to stick together, huh?”

“Yeah, we do.”

**Lyrics taken from[Where We Go by P!nk]()**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Before & After](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170323467014/chatnoir-art-sara-ryder-portraits-for-natsora), art by [Chatnoir](https://chatnoir-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Bouncer](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170371017714/sara-ryder-in-neon-lighting-art-by-the-fabulous), art by [Mako-art](http://mako-art.tumblr.com)


	38. Ryder Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once dinner was done, they crawled into their respective sleeping bags. If they weren’t sleeping on the floor in a villa in the middle of nowhere on Kadara, Scott could almost pretend they were still kids. Having a sleepover in each other’s room, him comforting her when she got scared by her own biotics or her insisting on sleeping in his room when he was sick. One of them sleeping on the floor of the other’s room. Chatting into the night until one of their parents came into the room to tell them to knock it off. 
> 
> Scott filled her in on the events of Heleus at large while she spoke a little of her time since she skipped town. Increased Perseus activities, the establishment of Neos-Palaven and then the subsequent attack, Rix’s fall, raid on a Perseus stronghold. All that and all the nitty gritty bits in between. Sara listened to it all. Her eyes grew subdued especially during the bits about the fraying relations between the Nexus and the angaras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos. We're heading towards the end of the Kadara section of the story.

“Where are you going?” Scott asked. 

For a split second, the image Dex repeating that question popped into her mind. Ryder pushed the thought away. “You’ll see.”

The buzz of the tattoo gun could be heard at the edges of her hearing. “A tattoo parlour?” Scott asked. 

Ryder didn’t answer, she kept walking. “I’ve not asked you, what’s up with that tattoo?”

“Something for me,” Ryder said as if it explained anything. “You should get one, it’s cathartic.”

“Really?” he said, doubt clear in his voice. 

Ryder stepped into Palin’s shop. “Hey human!” she called.

She could feel Scott’s heckles rising up. Sure, it’s rude to call someone by their species but she hadn’t made it easy by giving everyone a name to work with, did she? With a hand on his chest, Ryder turned and glared at him. _What’s with males and their assumption females can’t protect themselves?_ “Palin,” she greeted in turn. 

“Who’s the male with you?” she asked. “A new customer?”

“He’s just a friend,” Ryder said, taking her hand off Scott’s chest but not before pushing him firmly in warning. “I need another one.”

She flicked her eyes over to their father. He was frowning at her. _Shut up._ He just frowned harder at her.

“Already?” the krogan asked, looking up from her work. 

The salarian lying on the tattoo bed glared at them. Ryder jerked her head at Palin’s customer and said, “Finish up with your customer. I’ll be here.”

* * *

Scott sat sullenly, watching his sister. “What will it be this time? Another pair of random earth letters?” the krogan asked, tapping the tattoo gun against her hand.

“Yeah,” his sister confirmed. “P and B, this time.”

He perked up at the similarity to Peebee’s name. Scott’s eyes narrowed. The tattoo gun started buzzing. He stood and leaned over to watch. The krogan stopped and frowned at Scott. “A little space, please?” she said. 

“Scott,” Sara said, irritation creeping into her voice. 

It was his name. Something he had heard her say plenty of times before but almost everything about Sara felt different, looked different, was different. Even, his name sounded different coming from her now. Scott backed away. The krogan went back to her work. 

She had an earpiece in her ear, muffled sounds coming from it. Sara had her eyes closed, concentrating on the audio. Cora did tell him about her music habit during missions, during downtime and whatever else in between. “What are you listening to?” he asked. “Anything good?”

Sara opened her eyes. “I’m listening to the vid.”

There was only one vid on all their minds. There was no need to point out which vid she was talking about.

“The vid?” Scott asked horrified. “Why would you do that? It’s…”

Her glare made him clamp his mouth shut. _Right, right…_ “Anubis. It’s a codename for sure but it’s very familiar. And that voice… I can’t quite place it…” she explained. 

He nodded. _That made sense but… still…_

* * *

Her memory tickled like an itch she couldn’t scratch, hovering just ever so slightly out of reach. It was irritating and frustrating. She was done with Palin and was just wandering wherever her legs took her, her brother following her like a sad puppy. The sting on her scalp matched the one in her heart. Both buzzed with an intensity that drowned out everything else. 

Ryder turned the puzzle over and over in her head. Perseus, Anubis and Cetus. Then as she was putting one foot in front of the other, it struck her. A memory that was a bolt of lightning than a gentle remembrance. 

_Anubis… I’ve read that in the files when we were hacking Sloane._

She turned to Scott. “We got to go to the villa. I think I have information on Anubis,” Ryder said, jogging back towards Wrench’s. “Shit, we’ll need Dex’s help.”

“You have a villa?”

“That’s the thing you picked up from everything I’ve just said?”

“No, I mean… You got a villa?”

“Scott!” Ryder sighed in exasperation. “Forget it. Follow if you want.”

Without waiting she turned and ran to Wrench’s. Along the way, she sent a message to Dex asking him to meet her at the villa as soon as he could. Retrieving her bike from Wrench’s was simple enough. The salarian barely looked up at all the comings and goings. Kiba was disappointed there was to be no belly scratching. “Why don’t we take the Nomad?” Scott asked. 

“I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to explain,” Ryder said flatly. "I want to go now."

Scott glanced at her bike with some trepidation. “What’s wrong with the bike?” she asked frowning. 

“It’s a little exposed. And my ride the other day was a little too exciting,” he explained. 

Ryder cocked her head. “When did you ride one?”

“After Ditaeon, you were unconscious. I was riding with Dex while Wrench had you with her. They programmed yours to follow them.”

“Hmmm… I didn’t know that,” Ryder said. “Anyway, you’ll be riding me. You’ll be fine. And we are wasting daylight.”

She tossed him her helmet as she turned on her bike. “What about you?” Scott asked as he pulled the helmet on.

“I don’t have a spare. It’s fine. I won’t hit a rock and kill us both,” she said sarcastically. 

Scott rolled his eyes and mounted the bike behind her. 

* * *

Scott gaped at the size of the villa. “Sara!” he shouted. “That’s your villa?”

Sara nodded. Her verbal responses were lost to the wind. She had given up shouting replies at him. “How?” he started asking but his voice trailed off. 

_Does it matter how? Really?_ Scott resolved to keep his attention on helping Sara in whatever she needed. Everything else can wait till things calm down. _We’ll get things back to the way they were. I promise._

He followed her up the steps into a dingy and dirty little place. Wires snaking all around the place. He clamped his mouth shut to keep from asking more questions. She moved about with familiarity. There were clear signs she had been spending a lot of time here. 

Sara glanced at her omni tool. “Damn.”

Scott kept his mouth shut and waited. She glanced at him, sensing his question. “It’s late. Dex won’t be able to make it here today,” she explained. 

“We’re spending the night here?” he asked. He couldn’t quite keep himself from looking the place over with a critical eye. “There’s sand everywhere.”

“This is Kadara, Scott. There’s sand every fucking where,” Sara shrugged. “Pick a corner, use one of those sleeping bags I have. There should be just a little sand inside. There are no shower amenities here. Just a sink that gives you stored rainwater if you want to wash up. Use it sparingly. And it’s ration bars for dinner.”

He grimaced at the thought of ration bars. Scott gave himself a quick tour of the place. Sighing, he picked the cleanest spot he could after he splashed some stale rain water on his face. A ration bar smacked him in his face. “Dinner,” she said, munching through a bar of her own. 

Once dinner was done, they crawled into their respective sleeping bags. If they weren’t sleeping on the floor in a villa in the middle of nowhere on Kadara, Scott could almost pretend they were still kids. Having a sleepover in each other’s room, him comforting her when she got scared by her own biotics or her insisting on sleeping in his room when he was sick. One of them sleeping on the floor of the other’s room. Chatting into the night until one of their parents came into the room to tell them to knock it off. 

Scott filled her in on the events of Heleus at large while she spoke a little of her time since she skipped town. Increased Perseus activities, the establishment of Neos-Palaven and then the subsequent attack, Rix’s fall, raid on a Perseus stronghold. All that and all the nitty gritty bits in between. Sara listened to it all. Her eyes grew subdued especially during the bits about the fraying relations between the Nexus and the angaras. 

Scott could tell there was a question that just hovered on the edge of her tongue. He had seen her looked around the Tempest during her time there. It didn’t take a genius to guess who she was looking for. 

“Jaal,” he started, words trailing off, unsure how much she had already guessed. 

“He’s not on the Tempest, is he?”

Scott’s eyes met hers. Brown on brown. Brother on sister. He bit his lips. She sighed. 

“He sent his resignation in right after Meridian.”

Sara inhaled a sharp breath. “Before my trial?”

He nodded. Sara had rested her head on the pillow of her folded arm. She didn't speak for a moment. Scott watched as her face closed up. He could see the shutters coming down and the drawbridge pulling up. She shifted and turned away from him. Scott swallowed and waited, giving her the time to sort through her thoughts. Neither spoke for a long time. Scott began to wonder if she had fallen asleep. Starring at the back of her head, he asked. “Are you all right?”

Sara shook her head without looking at him. “This isn’t something within your power to fix. Go to sleep, Scott.”

In the end, Scot kept his peace. He gave Sara the space she wanted. He tapped out a quick message to Cora, informing her of his whereabouts and plans. There was no reply from Cora. _She must be busy with Ditaeon and the reports back to the Nexus._ Scott snuggled deeper into the sleeping bag as a chill seemed to set in his bones. Yawning a little, Scott hoped he would be able to fall asleep. 

_Did I fall asleep?_

Scott blinked and rubbed his eyes. Checking the chronometer on his omni-tool, he hummed. _Two hours of sleep._ Scott tried to settle himself back to sleep. _What woke me?_

A noise pricked his awareness. It was small, soft at first. He sat up, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. It was a whimper. Of pain? Of fear? Sara was sleeping just half a metre away from him. He reached out towards her. 

The whimper became a low moan. There was a trashing sound as if Sara was trying to fight her way free. Scott got up and almost immediately tripped on the wires on the floor. “Hell’s bells,” he cursed. 

Slowly he inched his way over to Sara, careful not to trip again. The moans were turning into outright screams until with just a touch, he woke her up. “You’re safe. you’re…” he said. The usual litany was on his lips but there it died. _You’re not home, not really. You’re not on the Tempest. Damn…_

“Fuck,” she whispered. 

Sara looked at him. Her eyes reflecting the dim moonlight from the window. Scott’s breath got lodged in his throat. His sister looked lost and fearful. “Are you all right?” he asked. 

Sara turned her head away as she scooted further from him. “Sorry. Did I wake you?” Sara asked. 

Scott shook his head. She stood up quickly as if she couldn’t stand to be in the room any longer. “Try and get some sleep. I need… I need some air.”

Taking the sleeping bag along with her, she walked out. Scott stared at the door. He huffed. It’s been months and she was still having these nightmares. What’s worse was there was nobody here to tell her that she’s safe. _Because she is not._

Scott got up and followed Sara out. After spending some time looking for her, Scott finally found her on the roof. She was seated on the floor, leaning against the old water tank. Her eyes closed, her earpiece in. This time, it was music playing. 

  
_How do I wake my spirit cold?_  
_Most people die but others just go_  
_She's still out there and the chasm grows_  
_Steady are the feet in the morning glow_

Scott sat down next to her, shoulder to shoulder for a bit. Nobody spoke. Slowly, she sagged towards him. Finally, leaning her head against his shoulder. Scott laid his hand on her head, patting it lightly. The only sound was the soft caress of the cold desert wind against their skin and Sara’s steady breath. He was there as her support nothing more, nothing less. _Whatever she wants to do, I’ll be right there with her._

There was a small shifting of Sara’s weight. Scott opened his eyes and realised it was dawn. Shivering, he pulled the sleeping bag tighter around him. Sara was already up, stretched against the rising sun. “You slept?” he asked. 

“Some,” she replied turning to him. 

He could see she was lying. The dark rings around her eyes, blacker than before. Soft music playing from her earpiece. 

_When the cops came_  
_We went running_  
_Through the village and the lights_  
_Baby Brother, we were reckless_  
_But we both learnt how to fly_

Scott sighed. He watched as Sara went through her morning workout, both physical and biotics. The air was still crisp then even as the sun rose. It threw Sara into the shadows as the roaring inferno of the Kadara sun acted as the background to her silhouette. 

By the time she was done the sun was well and truly up. His stomach growled. “Breakfast?” he asked hopefully. 

“It’s more bars, you know,” she said, teasingly. “I got no heat-to-eat packs here.”

“Beats starving.”

* * *

She spent the night thinking about Jaal. The hours passed so slowly it was almost like torture. The pain in her heart subsided to a dull throb. Her beautiful blue boy, her safe harbour and her rock. Knowing it wasn’t entirely her doing didn’t make her feel any better. It felt like her shot at real happiness was ripped from her fingers before it even started. And she didn’t even fight to hold on. Ryder flexed her fingers against the dawn chill. _I gave up. I let it all go. I should have fought harder._

The break between Jaal and her was just a metaphor for the one between the Nexus and the angaras. If there was anything she could do, she had to try. Heleus could ill afford to stand apart when they didn’t even know they were attacked from within, starting with the Pathfinders. 

She sighed. The sun was rising and she wriggled herself free from her brother, careful not to wake him up. As the first rays of the Kadara morning touched her skin, her breath misting against the dawn air, Ryder took a moment to ground herself. She couldn’t afford to fall apart now, not when she had an enemy to focus on, not when there was something concrete to do.

The morning brought clarity and Dex. “What’s he doing here?” Those were the first words out of Dex’s mouth. 

“He’s my brother,” Ryder said. 

“For real?” Dex asked, mandibles spreading in surprise. 

Ryder cocked her head at him. “You didn’t believe him?”

“Told you,” Scott interrupted. “I’m her brother.”

Dex bristled. “Guys!” she raised her voice. “We’ve got work to do.”

She turned to the terminal and gestured at it. “Dex, I need you to hack Sloane’s system again. There’s some information there I need.”

“What is this about?” Dex asked, still eyeing Scott. 

Ryder sighed. _Right, he doesn’t know. Neither does Wrench._ She ran a hand through her hair. Loathed as she might be to involve Dex, she needed his help. Ryder couldn’t afford to rely on Cora and the others for this. If Sloane caught wind of this, it wouldn’t just be Cora and the team getting into trouble, it could sunder the ties between the Nexus and Kadara. That would just be adding oil to the raging fire of a relationship between the Nexus and the angaras. Plus, Kadara needed the Nexus if it didn’t want to fall back to its total anarchy days. Dex, on the other hand, was good at what he did and he had the advantage of anonymity. 

At the same time, Ryder was done with allowing others to follow her on blind faith most especially Dex. Ditaeon had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt what she did was dangerous. She had no right to ask him to follow her lead, to trust her, not like this. It could have easily gone so wrong. Another blood-soaked field from another time flashed before her eyes. Ryder knew in her bones that they were lucky, she was lucky. That’s all it was, just a flip of a coin and random chance. Dex had to know. He had a right to know if she wanted his help. 

“You’re not going to show him the vid, are you?” Scott asked disapprovingly. 

“I don’t need your permission, do I?” Ryder shot back before instantly regretting it. “Sorry, but Scott, this is hard enough as it is. Could you just disapprove of this elsewhere?”

Her brother opened his mouth fully intent on saying his piece but he caught her eyes. Ryder didn’t know what he saw there, maybe he saw her plea, her weariness; maybe not. Scott closed his mouth and left. Dex stared at her, his mandibles pulled tight against this face. “Are you all right?” he asked, a talon hovering in the air as if unsure to touch her. 

Ryder took his hand into her own and squeeze it once. “I’m fine,” she lied. 

Ryder looked at her hands and sighed. Still, knowing what she needed to do and actually doing it was two different things. Dex waited. Patient for once in his life. 

Taking a deep breath, she started the story from the beginning. Dex’s face grew darker and grimmer as she went on. Ryder kept to the highlights, there was no need for her to relive every single nitty gritty detail, she had done it in her nightmares often enough. If she could help it, Wrench wouldn’t get drag into this mess too. 

* * *

Cora checked her omni tool when it chimed. It was a message from Scott. 

_The heat here is crazy oppressive. Sara’s on the roof with Dex going through some biotic lesson or other. I’m melting, send help._

She shook her head. Her fingers danced across the interface as she shot a message back in reply. 

_So they’re hacking Sloane’s systems for information about Anubis?_

Another chime. 

_Yes, the terminal is doing all the work now. I don’t see why we needed Dex for the job. Vetra could have easily done it._

Before Cora could tap out another reply, she heard her name being called. “Pathfinder, Mayor Tate would like to see you.”

Cora stood up and dusted off her pants. The title sounded hollow, especially now. Ryder’s here on Kadara. She helped during the attack. Cora didn’t know how she caught wind of it in the first place. Even without resources or much backup, Ryder still went to the aid of Ditaeon. If that wasn’t the mark of a Pathfinder, she didn’t know what was. It’s been nine months or so as the Pathfinder, Cora knew she didn’t enjoy any part of it. Not the politics, not the weight of making hard decisions. The exploration, helping set up new outposts was good clean work but everything else was rubbish. Despite being trained for it, prepared for the role, it turned out Cora didn’t like the job. _Alec made the right choice giving the Pathfinder mandate to Ryder, secret about their mother or no._

Cora was ushered into an office. Tate stood up and reached a hand out towards her. She took it and gave it a firm shake. “Thank you, Pathfinder. I can’t thank you enough. If your team didn’t step in, the town would have been wiped out.” he said. 

His face lined with the stress of the past couple of days. First the attack and then the aftermath. Even though they had managed to fend off the attack, they were still many casualties. “If you didn’t send in the team of three ahead, we wouldn’t have been able to hold out,” he said. 

Cora opened her mouth to refute the statement but she clamped it shut. _Goddess, what do I say? That it is not my team? Tate will surely ask who they are. Then, what do I say?_ Instead, she just nodded curtly. To accept the credit of Ryder’s actions as her own was a bitter pill to swallow as necessary it might have been. Cora had made the vaguest of mention towards Ryder and her team in her report to the Nexus. Hopefully, T’vera wouldn’t insist on more details. 

With the fear of a repeat attack still strong, Cora had advised Tate to request for APEX soldiers to be assigned to Ditaeon till they had their own security team trained up. Meanwhile, Cora had agreed to stay on Kadara till the APEX team arrived. She had assigned the team to patrol and secure Ditaeon in rotation. 

* * *

There was a ping. Ryder looked up. A message was flashing on the terminal. She scooted forward and clicked through. Her eyes scanned the message. _Yes! This is the one._ A sense of vindication flooded her as she pumped her fist in the air. 

“What is it?” Scott and Dex asked in unison. 

They glared at each other before turning their attention back to Ryder. “Found it.”

The message was a report from an Outcast agent. The agent reported sightings and a possible location for Anubis. “We got him!” Ryder growled. “He’s even on fucking Kadara.”

Scott nodded. “I’ll contact the team.”

“Rider… I mean Sara…” Dex said. 

She turned to the young turian. “Just call me Rider, it sounds no different from my name anyway,” she said with a small smile. “You did good, Dex. I didn’t have a chance to tell you then. Back at Ditaeon, you did good.”

Dex ducked his head in embarrassment. “What does this mean?” he asked, his mandibles pressed against his face in anxiety. “I… I still want to be trained by you. I am far from ready. Will you be leaving Kadara?”

He was leaning forward towards her. His talons tapping a staccato beat against the desk. Ryder sighed, rubbing the heel of her hand over her face. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m still a fugitive after everything is said and done. I might not be able to stay. I don’t know if Sloane and the Outcasts had caught on about me since the Tempest is here, Plus, I’m always walking around with Scott. Someone might put two and two together.”

Dex sank back into his chair. “I thought you might be leaving with the Tempest when this is done,” he said. 

Ryder shook her head. “I don’t think that’s possible. They will be harbouring a fugitive. I doubt they can get away with that.”

Dex still looked disappointed. She didn’t know what else she could say. Ryder had no intention to leave Kadara if her identity wasn’t blown. To say she had found a place of peace and permanence for herself on Kadara wouldn’t be stretching things. She pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind. _What will be, will be. For now, I’ve got someone to hunt._

Scott came walking back after his call to the Tempest. “Grab what data you can, we’ll bring it back to the Tempest. SAM can do a better job sifting through the data. Cora is assembling a team for the raid.”

Ryder nodded. “This is my hunt though. I’m calling the shots in this,” she said, her voice carefully even but her eyes flashed with rage. 

Scott’s forward motion towards them seemed to falter at the intensity of her eyes. He nodded once. 

* * *

Dex watched as Ryder as she checked and re-checked her rifle before slinging over her head. “No hardshell?” a bearded human asked Ryder. 

She shook her head. “I don’t think I should be seen wearing Initiative armour,” she said. 

“You know your armour is still in your locker. That’s not Initiative armour,” the human pointed out.

Ryder stilled for a second then shook her head. “It’s... it’s just not right, Gil,” she replied, her voice clipped. Dex knew that was a sure sign to back off. 

Gil lifted his hands at Ryder. “Hey, hey. It’s just a thought,” he said. “It doesn’t have the Initiative logo and it fits you.”

Ryder shook her head and just went on checking her weapons. 

The cargo bay of the Tempest was buzzing with activity. The selected crew for the raid were equipping their weapons. Ryder grabbed a bunch of ammo magazines and dumped them into her pack. “Who’s going?” she asked.

Her brother who was putting on his hardshell said, “Cora, Drack, you and me.”

Dex frowned. They don’t know how many people they would be up against. Just four against spirits knew what. _Who cares if a glorified computer said there were only a limited number of heat signature at the location._

Dex wanted to help, spirits he really did. After hearing the story Ryder trusted him with, there was no doubt in his mind. What gave him pause was Ditaeon. At the end there he couldn’t control his biotics, not to stop the Roekaar, not to save Ryder. If the Pathfinder was on the scene, Ryder would have cracked her head open on the ground. He was helpless and he wasn’t ready. Dex’s mandibles tightened in resignation.

“Dex,” the artificial voice said. 

He jumped.

“I would like to suggest you go along with Ryder.” SAM continued. 

Dex cocked his head, his heartbeat quickened. “I would like to go but I don’t think Ryder wants me along,” he said. 

“Ryder,” SAM called. 

“Yes, SAM?” she said, looking up from her preparations. 

“I think it would be best that Dex goes with you.”

Dex saw the frown forming on Ryder’s forehead. _There see I told you, computer._ “Why?” she asked. 

“Dex is familiar with the measures to take if you have an episode,” SAM explained. 

Ryder was nodding along to what SAM said before she finally replied. “Fine. He can come.”

Dex was more than a little surprised how quickly she agreed. She walked over to him with a pistol, having returned her hers previously. “Take this. Since you did well the last time with one, I think you should be able to handle this one,” she said. “Vetra, do you have any armour for his size?”

Vetra looked at him, eyes raking him from fringe to toe. “He’s very small for a 15-year-old. Dex, are you a biotic?” she asked, smiling in the very human way. 

“So what if I am!” Dex shouted. “I’m trained now. I’m not going to be pushed around just because I’m a biotic.”

Vetra raised her hands up. “Chill, Dex. I was just asking,” she said. “I have nothing against biotics. I work with them every day.”

Ryder placed her hand on his shoulder, swinging him around to face her. “Are you all right?” she asked, eyeing him cautiously. “I can’t let you go out into the field like this. I need your head in the game.”

Dex took a deep breath. “Sorry, I just overreacted. It’s just… I… my family…”

“Hey, it’s ok. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I kind of understand the biotics thing. Being a human biotic isn't great, I know being a turian biotic is much worse,” Ryder said. 

Dex opened his mouth, his life story on his lips.

“Ryder,” Vetra called. 

The moment passed. She turned and caught something out of the air. Ryder looked at the small item in her hands. “Perfect. Thanks, Vetra.”

Ryder pressed the small item into his hands. “That’s a portable shield generator. Keep it with you and activate it. It works like a hardshell’s kinetic shield,” she said. 

“What about you?” Dex asked, turning the shield generator around in his talons. “Don’t you need one too?”

She laughed. “I can shield,” Ryder reminded him. 

Once everyone was ready, Ryder stood in front of the three of them. Dex eyed the krogan warily. Drack in turn just growled at him. “Be nice, Drack,” Ryder said. 

“Are you sure about bringing a dead weight along with us?” he rumbled. 

Surreptitiously, Dex shifted away from the krogan. “He’s the reason why we have this lead in the first place,” she said. 

Dex’s spine straightened. His full height was still nowhere near as impressive as Drack’s height and bulk. “All right, enough with the fringe measuring contest,” Ryder said, impatience burnt in her choppy strides. 

She looked at each of them in the eye, holding their gaze long and hard. Dex hardened his resolve and met her head-on. It was the familiar fierce and uncompromising steel in her gaze, the will to do this her way. Whatever that meant. The others seemed to be feeling what he felt. “This is my raid. My rules and I am calling the shots,” she growled. “We don’t know who Anubis is, so our job is to apprehend all we find there. No kill shots, shot to maim if you have to. I don’t want my only fucking lead to bleed to death there.”

She looked at them for a moment longer. “Let’s go.”

**Lyrics taken from[Spirit Cold by Tall Heights](https://open.spotify.com/track/1vG6jMgSoqT3zG9tuDrL2E).**

**Lyrics taken from[Baby Brother by Ron Pope](https://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiNpZiM3YvZAhVFro8KHTiYCAwQFggoMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Ftrack%2F6U35UNxEbY8FCAKMVmzOge&usg=AOvVaw1mq_NmYawoKSwkZ9c6tLs1).**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Before & After](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170323467014/chatnoir-art-sara-ryder-portraits-for-natsora), art by [Chatnoir](https://chatnoir-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Bouncer](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170371017714/sara-ryder-in-neon-lighting-art-by-the-fabulous), art by [Mako-art](http://mako-art.tumblr.com)


	39. Anubis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ryder!” Cora shouted, getting up to her shaky feet. 
> 
> She could only hear her name being called in a vague haze. All Ryder saw was red, red, red. “Ryder!” Cora yelled in her ear as Cora’s hand clamped down on her shoulder. 
> 
> Like a taut string pulled too tight, Ryder snapped, “Fuck!” Her hand unwillingly her grip on the asari’s throat, slamming her back to the floor. 
> 
> Ryder whirled away from Cora’s hand. “See to her.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! I hope you're excited about this chapter. Anubis is here. Oh, I have a few new art. One of them maybe a little bit of a spoiler but I think it's not too bad. Links at the endnotes.

Ryder was on her bike. The ride there had calmed her down a little, though she’s still anxious to see this done. Dex’s bike running parallel to hers in the distance, a trail of dust cloud running behind him. The others had piled into the Nomad. Ryder decided they probably needed the space to transport a bunch of prisoners. 

SAM had done a scan. There were a couple of pre-fabs standing in the area. The best SAM was able to determine based on heat signatures, there were only minimal forces on the ground. They would be able to handle the enemy without problems. Even though intel was sketchy, this was the best lead she had. Ryder wasn’t about to let it go, especially when she knew her problems, _all my fucking problems_ , weren’t the symptoms of some shitty concussion. Her life had turned to ashes because somebody caused it to. _It was all fucking planned._

Nobody had said a word against her plan. It was simple enough. Hit hard, hit fast. She and Cora would be the main hitters. Relying on stasis to keep their prisoners under control, Scott and Drack would knock out any that got past them with concussive rounds. If all went as planned, Dex didn’t have to do anything but to keep an eye on her. 

_Soon. Some real fucking answers soon._

The heat of the desert and the warm wind of the ride encased Ryder like an armour. She rolled her head from side to side as piano keys thumped and a clear voice sang in her earpiece. 

_Teach me how to fight_   
_I'll show you how to win_   
_You're my mortal flaw_   
_And I'm your fatal sin_   
_Let me feel the sting_   
_The pain, the burn_   
_Under my skin_

As they neared, Ryder turned to Dex. “You have one job and only one job,” she said, her gaze intense. “Watch me. You know the lock command. You know what I can do when I disappear. Don’t hesitate if it happens.”

Dex nodded, his mandibles fluttered once. “Activate the shield now. You might not have the time once the bullets start flying.”

He nodded once more and he did as told. Ryder unslung her rifle and flipped the safety off. Her eyes found the others. “Ready?”

They nodded. 

* * *

Even though they were all ready for battle, Ryder wanted to try guile before bringing out the big guns. Drack and Scott hung back as they watched the ladies sauntered over. Cora had an open comm channel for them to monitor the situation. Ryder and Dex didn’t have access to the channel since there wasn’t enough time to rig up one up for their omni-tools. The structure was on a higher plane of elevation compared to the surrounding. Scott and Drack kept hidden behind an outcropping of rocks, where the difference in elevation kept them hidden from possible snipers. Dex followed the others’ lead. 

The males waited as the females worked. Dex kept his eye on Scott’s expression since it was probably harder for him to read Drack’s. Everything seemed to be proceeding well according to Ryder’s plan. Scott cocked his head as if listening in on the conversation happening on the other end of the comm channel. Dex tried to steady his breathing, his talons tight around the pistol. Drack sniffed, sampling the air about him, before turning to Dex. “Relax, the kid has got it covered,” he rumbled, almost gently. 

Dex raised a brow ridge. “Kid? You mean Ryder?” he whispered back. 

“Yeah,” Drack said. “Like I said, the kid.”

Scott glared at them. “Will you two shut up, I’m trying to listen here.”

Meanwhile, Ryder and Cora faced a pair of human females at the door. “Who are you?” one of them asked, Ryder dubbed that one Bruiser for her stout frame and ham-sized fists. 

Ryder didn’t reply, she just peered over their shoulders to get a quick gauge on the number of people inside. The pre-fab wasn’t large, just a wide foyer out front and then a corridor with one door on either side and another door right at the end of the corridor. There wasn’t anybody else visible to Ryder. “I hear this is the place to come for good Oblivion,” she said, sniffing loudly and jittering like an addict would. 

Cora caught on and hunched her shoulders, she stammered. “Yeah… I… I hear Anubis is selling the good… good stuff here,” she said. “I’ve got credits. I just… just need the stuff.”

Bruiser turned to her companion, Ryder dubbed her Blade for the long knife she was playing with as she eyed them with narrowed eyes. There was just a moment of hesitation but Ryder could see nobody was buying their act. She drew the energy from the pit of her being to her hand. She trusted her hand forward, it was a meaningless gesture but it helped her channel the energy. It was quick, sudden and without warning. The Push slammed them both against the wall. 

Cora could feel the sudden shift in biotic energy around Ryder. She wrapped the two in Stasis to stop them from falling to the ground but the element of surprise was gone. On the other end of the open comm channel, Scott’s voice buzzed. “Go, go, go!”

One turian and an asari burst out from the room right at the end of the corridor even as Ryder strode in confidently. She pressed her back against the wall as bullets flew. Her finger rested lightly on the trigger, waiting for a lull in the hail of fire. Cora had her work cut out keeping the two in Stasis. Ryder flung a mild Shockwave down the corridor without looking. She followed the Shockwave with a spray of bullets before turning into the corridor. The two operatives were lying unmoving on the floor. Ryder walked down the length of the corridor. With her teeth, she peeled her glove from her right hand. She checked the pulse of the turian by placing her fingers against his un-plated neck. Dead. 

“Fuck,” Ryder cursed. 

Behind her, Ryder could hear Drack and Scott entering. There were sounds of a struggle as they restrained Bruiser and Blade. Cora’s steps were loud as she followed Ryder down the corridor leaving the boys to handle their captives. 

Ryder felt rather than saw the fallen asari’s pull of biotic energy. The air practically hummed with power as a blue bolt of Lance whizzed past Ryder. She twisted at the waist to avoid it. “Cora!” Ryder shouted when she realised it wasn’t aimed at her. 

Cora turned her mouth agape in surprise. The Lance left a deep gorge along the wall as it zipped down the narrow corridor. There wasn’t enough time. Ryder knew Cora wouldn’t be able to avoid it. With a growl, she Pulled at Cora’s feet as she threw a Shield over her. It wasn’t the layered Shield she used in Ditaeon, Ryder prayed it was enough. Cora lost her balance when she felt a tug at her feet. Her hands thrown out in front of her to break her fall. With wide eyes, Cora felt the heat of the Lance against her face it impacted against Ryder’s Shield. 

Ryder yelled as she tried to layer another Shield but it was too late. Her Shield flickered and disappeared. Cora was caught by the edge of the Lance. Her hardshell’s shields took the brunt of the damage. Ryder threw a Push down the corridor to get everyone else out of the way. The Lance dissipated once it exceeded its range. Instead of running over to Cora, Ryder turned to the downed asari. With one hand clamped around her neck, Ryder squeezed. 

“Ryder!” Cora shouted, getting up to her shaky feet. 

She could only hear her name being called in a vague haze. All Ryder saw was red, red, red. “Ryder!” Cora yelled in her ear as Cora’s hand clamped down on her shoulder. 

Like a taut string pulled too tight, Ryder snapped, “Fuck!” Her hand unwillingly her grip on the asari’s throat, slamming her back to the floor. 

Ryder whirled away from Cora’s hand. “See to her.” 

She ran her hand through her damp hair, breathing hard. This was more violent than usual even for her. Her hands shook a little as she supported herself against the wall. _Fuck, too close. Too fucking close._ She glanced at Cora once before squeezing her eyes shut, the image of a hole through Cora’s chest burnt behind her eyelids.

“Are you all right?” Dex asked. “You’re not feeling weird, are you?” 

Ryder could hear the anxiety in his voice. _Am I? I don’t think so but…_ She clenched her hands to stop their shaking. Ryder just shook her head and took a deep breath to keep a lid on the chaotic anger in the pit of her belly.

Turning her head, Ryder found Cora and Scott wearing identical expressions of shock and a tiny bit of fear. Only Drack met her eyes head-on with a smile of approval. _Of course, the krogan approves._ Vaguely she wondered what her father thought about it. 

Ryder wasn’t happy with her reaction but if nobody else was hurt she could live with it. The shock, the fear was just a small price to pay. They had to learn she wasn’t who they thought she was eventually. _I never was, I’m not the shiny Pathfinder that they seem to see whenever they look at me._ Ryder ducked her head and turned back to the door at the end of the corridor. “Are the other rooms clear?” she asked. 

“They’re clear,” Drack replied. 

Ryder peered over her shoulder and saw Dex just behind her. “You might want to step back a little,” she suggested. 

Dex nodded and went to flank Drack. _Good choice._ The door before her was unlocked. Ryder didn’t hesitate, she palmed the door. It opened without trouble. There was no resistance on the other end. There was only a single human male on the other side of the door. 

The room was empty save for a table and two chairs. He was seated on one of them while the other was opposite him. It looked like an interrogation room to Ryder. 

The man looked up in surprise at her. His amber eyes met hers. At first, it was shock, surprise and then finally recognition. Then he spoke. “Pathfinder,” he drawled in his honey-smooth voice. “We meet again.”

It was like a knife stab to her brain. Ryder’s sure steps into the room faltered and stopped. Seeing him, hearing him here, now and not via a screen or a vid was a jolt of electricity. Memories that were locked away for months on end, came free like birds released from their cages. The memories weren’t a gentle slow reveal from the fogginess of forgetfulness. It was a searing invasion of painful and lost memories thrust right into her brain. The remembered pain of electricity coursing through her skin. The tug and jerk of her muscles that seized and spasmed, the utter humiliation of uncontrollable bowels, her howls and screams of pain echoed in her mind. 

“Dance, Ryder. Dance,” the man said, his honey-smooth voice invaded her ear like a drill. 

She recoiled visibly. 

“Ryder?” Dex called, his eyes trained on her. 

Ryder swayed where she stood. “You!” she shouted, flaring blue. 

“It’s fucking you all along!” she shouted. 

Her left hand was sheathed in blue so suddenly that Ryder flinched. She rubbed the back of her neck, fingers brushing against the new bandage, as her amp burnt. The man smirked. Cora and Scott jumped out of the way as Ryder pushed past them to leave. 

“Dex, please,” she begged, her hands shaking. 

Dex walked right towards her, unafraid and confident. Ryder’s jaw clenched tight as she felt herself fading. Dex spoke the lock command as omni cuffs wrapped around her wrists. “Come on, Ryder,” Dex said as he pulled her gently into one of the rooms. 

“Thank yo…”

* * *

Drack paced outside Ryder’s locked room. Dex watched. His talons tapping a rhythm against his arm. His back leaned against the door he had hacked locked. It felt wrong, different to do it away from the bunker. At Wrench’s, Dex knew he had back up if things went wrong. Here, with the krogan pacing, her brother frowning and glaring in turns and the Pathfinder tapping messages on her omni tool and sighing every other minute, Dex felt trapped. 

“How long?” Scott asked finally, breaking the silence. 

“As long as it takes,” Dex replied. 

“What does that even mean, bird?” Drack growled. 

“Who are you calling bird, lizard!” Dex shouted, straightening and flaring. 

“Hey!” Cora stood, pressing a hand against Drack and Dex. “This is not helping anyone.”

The Tempest was due to arrive in a while. Cora had contacted Kallo to come collect them. They had left the rest of the team on the ground at Ditaeon. Security at the outpost couldn’t be compromised regardless of their mission here. Their prisoners had to be treated and then questioned. With Ryder out of commission for the moment, Cora expected to take the lead in questioning. 

Cora had seen how Ryder’s face twisted at seeing Vidal. If she had to guess, seeing Vidal had shifted something within Ryder. It might have caused the Cetus chip to activate, maybe it was just coincidence, Cora didn’t know. She expected Ryder to have some answers for them once she recovered. If only she could keep the guys from murdering each other, that would be good. 

_It’s been hours. How long does an episode last?_

“Dex, let me out.”

Dex jumped. It was Ryder’s voice coming from behind the door. He turned and was about to unlock the door when he stopped himself. “Are you, you?” he asked. 

“Yeah I think so,” Ryder replied. “I ah… I think I’ve managed to cut myself.”

The door was quickly unlocked. Ryder stumbled over the threshold, her arm had a series of cuts all along it. “What happened?” Scott asked, rushing forward. 

Ryder shrugged. “It’s not called missing time for nothing,” she said, as she sank to the floor. “Gods…”

Cora could tell Ryder had utterly no strength left. Ryder needed a doctor and rest. Scott ripped a pack of medi-gel opened as he knelt down to tend to the cuts. Ryder just cradled her head in her good hand with her eyes closed.

“The Tempest is arriving soon. Lexi should take a look at you,” Cora said. 

Ryder nodded while her head was still in her hand. “How are the prisoners? Did the asari live?” she asked, her voice soft and wavering. 

“The asari will live. We found suicide pill in a false tooth in all of them,” Cora reported, finding herself settling into what she used to do when Ryder was Pathfinder. “They had remained silent but I think it’s safe to assume they are all Perseus. The suicide pill is something we have encountered previously in Perseus operatives.”

Ryder grunted her acknowledgement. “What about Vidal?”

“He’s still secure in the other room. We’ve made sure to restrain him.”

She looked up from her hand once Scott was done. Ryder got to her feet and rested her hand against the wall to support herself. Her face was one of fierce resolve as she headed back towards Vidal’s room. With each step she took, Ryder seemed to straighten and strengthened. By the time, she got to the door it was like nothing had happened. Ryder turned to them. “Just Cora, the rest of you wait outside,” she said, even as her hand signalled something to Cora. 

Cora nodded acknowledging her signal while Scott opened his mouth to protest. Ryder shook her head. “Scott, I need to do this myself,” she said. “Cora needs to hear this because this has wider implications than a fucking chip in my head.”

Scott didn’t budge but he didn’t speak. His face a look of the famous Ryder stubbornness. Ryder placed her hand on his arm and squeezed. “Please.”

Finally, Scott looked away. Cora’s heart clenched. He looked defeated and ashamed at the same time. She forced herself to look away and followed Ryder into the room. Ryder’s face had hardened, all the softness she had when speaking to Scott was gone, buried under the frustration and anger she had for Vidal and her situation. 

* * *

“Pathfinder,” Vidal drawled his eyes on Ryder. “I never thought to see you again. Not after Havarl.”

Cora could see Ryder’s jaw tightened. She glared at Vidal. _Goddess, does he have a death wish?_

Ryder took the seat across the table from Vidal. Her hands shook under the table but her face was a stone mask. She wanted answers. “You’re working with Perseus,” Ryder said as she leaned forward, it’s more of a statement than a question. 

Vidal just smiled, his teeth white, perfect and gleaming under the artificial lighting. “Glad, you’ve worked that out, Pathfinder,” he said mirroring her action. 

Their faces were mere centimetres apart. Nobody spoke. Nobody blinked. Then Vidal seemed to flinch at something he saw in Ryder’s eyes. Cora wasn’t quite sure what he had seen. 

“But you’re not quite right there,” Vidal continued after that flicker disappeared behind the mask of bravado. “I’m working _for_ them.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. “For?” she repeated. 

The silence hung in the air. Cora shifted her weight from one foot to another. Ryder seemed content to let the silence go on and on. Her eyes still pinned on Vidal. The tension was so thick Cora could slice it with her omni blade. Finally, Vidal caved. 

“Yes!” He hissed. “What did you think? I was forced out of Kadara, I was on the run!”

Vidal smirked. “I think you can sympathise with that now, Ryder.”

Cora almost walked the three steps that separated them to strangle him, even if it’s just to wipe that smug look off his face. 

Ryder’s left hand was clenched and she kept it on her lap while the right was in a relaxed loose palm on the table. Her face was still an impassive mask. Cora let a breath out softly through her teeth when she realised she was holding her breath. 

“Touché,” Ryder said. 

It seemed like a valve broke within Vidal as words spilled forth. “They approached me,” he pointed out. “And you know what they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. They wanted me to make it look good and boy did I deliver, didn’t I? You were looking so good by the end there.”

Every sentence that came from Vidal’s lips was a swing against Ryder’s control. Her jaw twitched, her left hand shook with the strength of her grip. Then her knuckle popped, breaking the lull. Ryder stood as her hand flared a brilliant blue. She slammed her open palm down with such force that the desk had a visible crack in the middle. Cora was instantly on her feet. Her fingers wrapped tight around Ryder’s arm. 

Ryder’s jerked her arm away, her eyes glaring at Cora. Cora stood her ground, meeting Ryder’s gaze. For a moment, neither of them move. Then from behind the locked door, Scott’s muffled voice came through. “What’s going on inside? Sara! Cora!”

Ryder took a deep breath and sat down again. Once sure Ryder had her temper under control again, Cora walked back to a corner and tapped a message to Scott. She prayed Drack wasn’t about to smash the door down. 

Vidal’s laughter rang out. “Ryder, Ryder, Ryder,” he chortled. “Your buttons… it’s just too easy.”

Cora was too far, too slow to stop Ryder. She could only watch. The desk that separated Vidal and Ryder was Pushed to the side. A human fist collided into Vidal’s nose once. His eyes were screwed up in pain as his head rocked backwards. His shoulders shook in what Cora at first thought was pain but when he lifted his head, Cora could tell he was chuckling. 

Vidal’s head hung tilted back as blood flowed down his face and shirt. “Pathfinder,” his honey-smooth voice now a dry rasp. “This is who you really are.”

Ryder’s hands snapped out and pulled Vidal’s head by his hair to face her. He winced. “This is what you made,” she spat, her eyes burning into his. “Remember Havarl? You had your fun there, didn’t you? I remember, my body remembers. It’s my turn now.”

Ryder told herself turnabout was fair play as she punched Vidal again and again. 

* * *

By the time Cora was able to peel Ryder away from Vidal, his face was cut and swollen all over. Still, he never stopped talking, goading Ryder harder with each cutting word. _What the fuck was he trying to do? Get Ryder to kill him?_

Words came on and on. Perseus sought him out after being ousted from Kadara though they didn’t know about his true identity. “I was more than happy to help them in the charade,” Vidal confessed.

“The entire fucking torture session was a charade?” Ryder asked, her eyes wide. 

“Of course! The Cetus chip was the main show and what a show it was. Even Rix didn’t give as good a show as you did! Even though he did get Nakmor Kesh good.”

Ryder turned to Cora who nodded in confirmation. Her bloodied knuckles shook as she tried to control herself. Her rage was burning so hot, she felt like she was being scorched from the inside out. 

_So I wasn’t the main target but if they had targeted two Pathfinders, it stands to reason they would target the others as well. Tann would never believe that the Leadership would just think Rix and I went crazy. That leaves the others to strike under Perseus’ influence._

“What are Perseus’ goals?” Ryder asked. 

That’s the one thing she didn’t get. Perseus had been attacking the outposts, first via hacking attempts then actually attacking them. _Is it just a distraction from their true purpose?_

Vidal spat, a glob of blood landed on the floor. “Their goals? How would I know? Did they consult me? I am after all just a pawn, a scapegoat for you to chase. They are warned when your team raided their stronghold. They had their eye on you after Ditaeon. At the rate you wreck things, they are sure to up their timetable.”

Ryder gritted her teeth. _How much is just said to goad me? How much is actual truth? Vidal is never one to not work an angle._

Perseus might have their eye on her again. Ryder didn’t care. _Let them come!_

On the other hand, Vidal might be saying things just to say them. Or he was still serving his role, he was put here to mislead them. _No, they can’t know we have access to Sloane’s systems._

Ryder’s thoughts went around in circles but there was one thing clear in Ryder’s mind. She needed Nexus to be aware of this. The other Pathfinders needed to be alerted. Rix needed to be checked out. _I need the fucking chip out of my head!_

Cora motioned her to a side. Ryder walked over trying to keep her strength up. Her bone-deep weariness was like anchors around her neck dragging her to the depths. She had always needed to rest when her episode was over. After the gruelling session with Vidal, Ryder was completely exhausted. 

“Are you all right?” Cora asked, eyeing her cautiously. 

Ryder nodded but she leaned her weight against the wall. Rubbing her hands over her face, she took a deep breath to steady herself. 

“What are we going to do with Vidal?” Cora whispered. “He undoubtedly responsible for your...”

“Fucking torture session?” Ryder completed in a deadpan voice, not bothering to keep her voice low.

Cora couldn’t bring herself to say anything so she just nodded tightly. “Leave him here. There’s nothing he could tell us we can’t get from the others,” she said.

“Really?” She asked in surprise. “You’re just going to let him go?”

“No,” Ryder said. “I’m not letting him go anywhere. He will stay here like this. He’s a worm. He will find a way to free himself.”

Vidal pulled against his restraints. “No, Ryder!” he shouted. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to go!”

Ryder crossed her hands over her chest and just watched. This was the first time Vidal had actually shown distress. He had not batted an eyelid at all the beating that Ryder had given him. Him actually surviving seemed to be a problem for him. _Why?_ Her anger just simmering below the surface as her curiosity got the better of her.

“How is it supposed to go, Vidal?” Ryder growled. 

Tears were streaming down his face now. Ryder was reeling. She couldn’t tell what’s true, what’s false when it came to Reyes Vidal. He was a snake, he manoeuvred and schemed. He’s a man of a thousand faces and none of them his own. _Is this a ploy? Crocodile’s tears?_

“No, not like this,” he cried.

Then, just like a light switch had flipped, Vidal sneered at her. “Look at you, Pathfinder. It’s so easy to play you, like a guitar under my nimble fingers. I wonder if you still look as good as you did back in Havarl?”

Ryder clenched her fists as she returned to her chair. Trying to keep her cool around Vidal was proving to be all but impossible. If anything, Vidal was excellent at getting under her skin, too good. The anchors around her neck pulled and pulled, weighing heavier and heavier with each passing second. Ryder wanted this over and done. Now. 

“Sara,” Vidal drawled. “Can I call you Sara?”

Ryder drilled her eyes into him. Her anger had turned into an inferno. She could see Cora in the corner shifting, ready to stop her. Whatever it was she was going to do. Ryder hadn’t quite decided if she wanted to do anything yet. Her body was rigid and still. Still, Vidal talked and talked. 

“The screams you made sounded so good. And how you danced for me, Sara.”

Ryder snapped. It was too easy. There was nothing separating Vidal from her rage. With a quick biotic pull on her blade, her wrist snapped the blade open and she plunged it right into his thigh. Vidal screamed. She twisted the blade as she pulled it out again. Her breaths came quick and short. Ryder stood suddenly, her chair tipping over and hitting the floor. With bared teeth, she wiped her blade across Vidal’s shirt. She was beyond words, all she could manage was a feral growl deep in her throat. With a cry of frustration, Ryder pushed Vidal. The chair he was tied to teether on the edge for a second before he fell back. 

Standing over Vidal for a second, her eyes flicked over to the corner. Her father was standing there like a sentinel. It was the first time she saw him here. Ryder wasn’t sure if she was just too tired to register his presence or he just decided to put on a show when she was teetering on the edge of turning to what she hated. A fucking torturer. 

He was frowning, not in the usual disapproving way but in disappointment. She looked away. Ryder forced herself away from Vidal. Slapping her hand on the holo-lock, the door slid open. Scott and Dex almost fell into the room when the door opened suddenly. Cora was looking at her with an unreadable look in her eyes. Ryder didn’t care what it meant. _She probably thinks I’m a monster. I probably am. A monster Vidal made._

Vidal was screaming and screaming as Ryder walked away. The door closed and the sounds grew muffled. If Ryder had bothered to check Vidal over, she might have found a small incision scar just at the base of his skull, hidden inside the hairline. 

**Lyrics taken from[Warrior by Beth Crowley](https://open.spotify.com/album/4sxgPNx6OsbGIz6txrRGBU)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Before & After](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170323467014/chatnoir-art-sara-ryder-portraits-for-natsora), art by [Chatnoir](https://chatnoir-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Bouncer](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170371017714/sara-ryder-in-neon-lighting-art-by-the-fabulous), art by [Mako-art](http://mako-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Post Cetus](https://xandrassketchbook.tumblr.com/post/170537197945/and-some-more-thank-you-sketches-for-donators-to), art by [Xandra’s Sketchbook](https://xandrassketchbook.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, head unbowed](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170707006274/people-ive-got-new-art-of-sara-ryder-done-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)


	40. What now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey!” a voice called jerking her out of her memories. Ryder’s eyes snapped open, instantly glaring in the direction of the voice.
> 
> It was Umi. “Are you all right?” she asked, looking at Ryder warily. 
> 
> Taking a deep breath, allowing the hot steam to infuse her lungs before blowing it out through her mouth, Ryder shrugged. She had no answer better for Umi. Her hands hurt but it felt good. Ryder knew what she did back at the raid was straight out torture. She knew in her hearts of hearts, she hit him because she wanted to, because she wanted to take it out on Vidal. All of a sudden, Ryder felt dirty. _I’ve fucking sunk to his level._
> 
> Her hand went straight to her head. The fresh tattoo was still a little raw even with medi-gel. Her skin crawled in a way that made her want a new tattoo. _Fuck._
> 
> “I’m fine,” Ryder said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I truly appreciate every single one. The title for this chapter is a little shitty. I can't think of something better. It's a little rest and recovery for everyone, a little interlude before things start happening again. Small mention of Jaal but it's a bit of a flashback.

They left Vidal like Sara wanted. The Tempest arrived while Sara was still in the midst of questioning Vidal. The other captives were already on board, treated and fed, now being questioned by Vetra and Liam. Sara barely made it back on board the Tempest under her own power. Lexi took Sara’s arm and pulled it over her shoulder. Lexi was almost dragging her into the med-bay when Sara’s legs couldn’t hold her weight. She stayed there for hours. 

Scott took one look at Vidal when Sara walked out. All he saw was a screaming man, nose broken, lips fat and eyes bruised. His sister’s hand bloodied and cut. She was still holding on to her small blade in her hand, flicking it open and close as she staggered. Even he, her brother, had hesitated to talk to her. Cora just shook her head at him. Dex locked the door behind them. 

“Send the code to me.” Sara moved slowly out of the pre-fab. 

Dex did as requested. She paused at the threshold, leaning against the wall. Fingers flying across her omni tool, she tapped out a message. Dex’s omni tool chimed. “Send that anonymously to Sloane and Kaetus.” The grim frown on her face spoke volumes. 

Dex mandibles flared in surprise. “Are you sure?” he asked. “This… this is information Sloane will pay good credits for.”

“Send it.” Her words clipped and curt. 

Scott’s eyes narrowed, his lips pursed. He knew his baby sister had changed but he didn’t quite realise how much. It wasn’t just surviving on her own but the time as Pathfinder had taken her to depths where no normal person had hoped to survive. She came back time and time again, even from clinical death. Each time she came back, a little less of her returned. This wasn’t something anyone could just walk away from. 

“What happened back there?” Scott demanded. 

Cora looked at him. She was pulled her hardshell off and stowing it away. He tapped his foot impatiently before finally taking a deep breath to control his jitters. “Sorry,” he muttered, moving over to help Cora with her armour. “I… It’s just hard to watch.”

Cora grimaced and nodded. “I know.”

The scent of gun oil and metallic bullets filled the air as they cleaned out their weapons together. Scott kept glancing at Cora, waiting for her to tell him. Bit by bit, as her hands kept busy, she told him a summarised version of the interrogation. “She’s changed, Scott,” Cora said. “I can see why. Learning the truth, I would have changed too.”

He sighed. “What exactly happened between Vidal and her? It felt like there was more history there than just Havarl.”

“Vidal had misled her since their first meeting. He was the leader of the Collective. Luring Sloane out into a cave and then setting up a meeting to assassinate her had been his plan. He just didn’t count on Sara. She warned Sloane and Vidal missed his shot,” Cora explained, putting her pistol back together again. “After that, Ryder started cleaning house on Kadara. She hit Collective outpost after outpost. Kadara was almost all cleaned out by the time she hit the Archon's ship for the location of Meridian. I had expected her to give the identity of the Charlatan to Sloane after Vidal revealed his true colours but she never did.”

Scott nodded. “Once she had given her word, Sara would never break it. Sometimes I wonder why my father was so hard on her. She is the perfect little soldier to his N7. Her dedication, her willpower… I just…”

He looked down at his rifle for a moment. Memories of a rocky childhood between his sister and their father came back to him. Sara rebelled and he had ended up trying to bridge the gap between his twin and their father. He played the fool to get their father distracted or just to make his twin smile. It didn’t work. Things improved a little after they enlisted. They remained close, exchanging mail and what not. She was a biotic and had trained as such. Travelling with scientists, providing security at Prothean dig sites. He wasn’t so he was trained with the regular grunts and ended up in the team overseeing Relay 202. Twins, same but different. 

His hands started back on their task, taking the pieces and cleaning them carefully. “That’s why she supported Sloane at the cave. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. And that’s why she never revealed the identity of Vidal to Sloane,” he said. “She took her duty seriously enough to step in to help Ditaeon after all.”

“Yeah. She is the Pathfinder I can never be.”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that. You are both capable women, good at what you do. You don’t do things the same way but your heart and intentions are in the right place.”

Cora sighed again. “I should have stopped her. Seeing her punch Vidal was more than satisfying especially seeing how he just goaded her but this hurts her more than him,” she said, cleaning her hands with a rag. “I just wish I could do more for her.”

Scott looked up as Dex entered the cargo bay. “Dex,” he called. 

“What do you want?” Dex keeping his distance, wary. 

“What message did Sara ask you to send?” 

Dex’s mandibles pressed flat against his face. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because I’m her brother, because it might concern the team?” His irritation towards Dex’s doubts getting to him. 

He pushed off from the chair and stalked over to Dex. “Is that not good enough? What have I or any one of us done to earn this distrust?” he asked. 

“Where were you when Ryder needed you?” Dex asked. “I’ve seen her go through these… episodes. They were rough on her. The last time Wrench had to choke her out just to get her under control.”

“What?” Scott yelled. “Wrench did what?”

Dex started to flare in preparation to defend himself. Cora shouted. “Stop it! Both of you!”

Scott stalked away while the turian let the energy dissipate. “Dex, I know you don’t trust us but we really do have Ryder’s interests at heart. This is a bigger mess than just her. It concerns the Leadership, it affects everyone,” Cora explained.

“Who cares about the Nexus? They didn’t care about us! Exile us without finding out facts! They exiled people just because they were associated with those involved. Not everyone on Kadara was truly part of the uprising.”

This was the first either Scott or Cora heard of it. “Enough!” Sara’s voice rang out. All three of them looked up. She was leaning against the railing on the upper deck. 

“Dex, the Hyperion didn't arrive during the revolt. What happened then is in the past. There’s no fixing the past, not for me, not for you, or the exiled. There’s only going forward,” she said, as she rubbed her face with her hands. 

She pushed off from the railing and disappeared from view. “Dex, this is my brother. I trust him with my life. You can trust him when it comes to matters regarding me,” she said. Her voice travelling in a circle above as she walked to the elevator. 

Dex’s mandibles flared, not willing to accept without saying something. He shifted to keep Sara in view. “But…”

Scott kept his eyes on Sara as she took the elevator down. “You trusted me when I asked you to do dumb dangerous things, surely trusting my brother isn’t harder than that. Dex, I trust you, please just…” her voice trailed off. “Well, you can trust everyone on the Pathfinder crew.”

Dex hung his head. It was clear he cared for Sara. Even though Scott couldn’t begin to guess their history, it was clear they had each other’s backs. The bonds they had forged were as strong as any on board the Tempest. Dex was her fiercest protector on the Tempest, backing her play for anything, stupid or not. And it seemed, Sara knew it. The fierce protectiveness streak of his sister’s had extended to include this young turian. 

Finally, Dex nodded. “Scott,” Sara called. “I got Dex to send Vidal’s coordinates to the Outcasts with the explicit information that he is the Charlatan. Sloane will do with him what she will. I don’t really care.”

Scott was a little staggered that Sara actually did that. She had effectively signed Vidal’s death warrant. _Not that he doesn’t deserve it but… still…_

“But I thought it would have been better if we brought him in. His testimonial might be what we needed to convince the Leadership that they are in danger,” Scott pointed out. “And you’re innocent.”

“Yeah and then what?” Sara asked, eyes flashing again. “They have to offer him something, wouldn’t they? His freedom? His little piece of Kadara? To get him to talk? How much of what he said will be lies? Things that they want to hear. We have no way to verify. I rather not take that chance.”

“But…” Scott said but Cora shook her head. 

“I’ve recorded the entire exchange. It was good thinking on your part, Sara,” Cora said. 

“I do my best,” Sara said with a tight smile. 

Scott gazed from Sara to Cora. “So what’s next?” he asked. “You must have something in mind.”

“Cora, you’ll need to inform the Leadership. Perseus is a threat, what’s their true purpose remains to be seen. If Vetra and Liam can get nothing out of them, Kandros should question the captives we have.”

Cora nodded. “I agree. They will see due process.”

“What about you?” Scott asked Sara. 

Sara’s eyes grew evasive. “Come with us. We need your help on this. You are carrying the best evidence in your head. The Cetus chip is the best piece of evidence for your innocence. I’m sure the Leadership will see things our way. Maybe the Nexus medical centre can do something we can’t on the Tempest.”

Sara rubbed the back of her neck. Dex stiffened in anxiety. “Shit, sorry,” she pulled her hand to her scar and rubbed that instead. “Scott, I can’t. Look what happened the last time. I went crazy. I won’t put it past Tann to just throw me in jail. After everything, I don’t think I can submit myself to that. That’s going to make things worse for all of you.”

“But Vetra and Lexi are working on something that combats your… issues.”

She paced the cargo bay, her hands clenching and unclenching. “Yeah, but until they have something, I’m not safe in a combat environment. You have no time to deal with me in the middle of a firefight. I _will_ get you all killed.” 

Sara stopped in front of Scott. “This might have started with me but this is bigger than me. At the rate they are going, I’m sure they’ll get lucky sooner rather than later. Once the Leadership is hit or worse compromised. Nobody would trust us. Hell, even I know Roekaar activity is on the rise. We’ll be the fucking kett. Everything would crumble.”

He took a step back. _That’s all plausible even though Sara is exaggerating the consequences a little._ Scott remembered the aftermath of Sara’s escape from custody. He was happy when he heard the news, thinking she had gone along with his plan. He was so worried then that she’d just submit herself to punishment even though Tann and the Leadership were completely unreasonable. She needed care, not jail. 

The first thing was Evfra kicking up a big fuss over it. Scott might have understood if the criminal in question wasn’t his sister. 

“Are you sure this isn’t all a show? You tell the angaras you’ll hold your rouge Pathfinder responsible. You will strip her of her position and imprison her but what happens? She’s gone. Escaped you say. How can I believe you? How can the Angara Nations trust your word?” he asked. 

Scott stood behind Addison during that particular meeting. His position on the Tempest wasn’t confirmed yet. It was then he was glad Sara had chosen to disappear. Everyone on the Tempest had to sit through rounds and rounds of questioning by Kandros and Tann. Hours of endless questions and nobody was satisfied. Nobody knew where Sara went. 

The repercussions unfolded as the months passed. Scott watched it all happened beside Cora. The angaras closed their borders. Scientists were turned away with guns and threats. It got even worse after Rix’s attack on the Leadership. The angaras saw the Milky Way species as unstable. It started slow but now, only Pathfinders were allowed on Havarl and Aya. The scientists and researchers were barely tolerated on Voeld. Angaras were still found on the Nexus but they were mostly adventurous traders. The Moshae fulfilled her duties from Aya, she hadn’t stepped foot back on the Nexus since Sara’s attempt on her life. 

Cora tried and tried. “Pathfinder, with the wonders of the technology you bring from the Milky Way, these omni-tool allows me to work from anywhere. There’s no reason to sit at the Nexus. There are matters here on Aya that require my attention as well,” the Moshae said serenely. 

That particular meeting Scott was sitting next to Cora. He felt the Moshae studying him. “Have you truly no word from your sister?” she asked him.

Scott shook his head, eyes narrowing, wondering what was the Moshae trying to imply. She shook her head. “I worry for Jaal. If he had some closure, it would be better for him.”

_I’m sure it would._

A spike of anger surged and it must have shown on his face. The Moshae inclined her head. “I apologise if I have offended you.” 

Of course, the Moshae’s concern was for Jaal, not his sister. Why would that surprise him? It did anyway. Hadn’t Sara did so much for the angaras? Succeeding with the kett where the angaras had failed. Then, the Moshae threw her under the bus when she was trying to get Tann be held responsible for incursions into Havarl. Wasn’t that for the sake of the angaras as well? 

Scott took a deep breath and schooled his expression. “No harm done, Moshae,” he said, trying to smooth the situation. _There’s no need to make Cora’s job any harder._

Would he have kept Jaal in the loop if he had news? Scott knew he wouldn’t. He still blamed Jaal for Sara’s ordeal on Havarl. His sudden resignation didn’t endear Jaal to Scott in the slightest. However, it didn’t matter in the end he had no word from Sara. Nothing for months and months on end until now. Would Sara reached out if they didn’t encounter her? Did she intend to keep running and hiding forever?

Sara wasn’t wrong though, Roekaar activity had been on the rise. Evfra had provided terse reports about increased recruitment by the Roekaar. That all happened once word of the Moshae’s injury spread. To say, everything was his sister’s fault for running was highly unfair. Scott refused to accept that. Sara was a victim in this entire thing. 

Scott shook his head, bringing his thoughts back to the present. “What you say might be right but I know you. You’re going to pursue this. You need people at your back,” he said as he turned to Dex. “No offence, Dex. You’re not capable to watch her six.”

Dex didn’t protest. Scott silently approved. _To know one’s weakness is the first step to correcting it as Pa always said._ Sara sighed. She knew he was right. It’s a moot point now since nobody had any new leads unless Vetra and Liam got something. Instead, she shrugged. “It’s late, let’s re-group tomorrow?” she suggested. “Coming, Dex?”

Scott watched as Sara left the Tempest. He figured she was heading back to Wrench’s. Wherever she went, Sara managed to find friends and allies. Cora stowed away her weapons and stretched. “Come on, I want to clean up before contacting the Nexus.”

* * *

Returning to Wrench’s, the salarian barely spoke to them. She just grunted and offered them ration bars. Kiba, on the other hand, leapt up against her. “Yes! Who’s a good girl? Huh? Who’s a good girl?” Ryder grinned as she ruffled the husky’s thick fur. “Come on let's get you back indoors.”

Dex rolled his eyes at her. He was way more relaxed now that they were off the Tempest. If things were going the way as Ryder thought, there would come a time they would have to part. He sighed. _Something for another time._

Ryder finished her bar, she declared, “I’m headed to the baths.” 

At the public baths, she scanned her omni tool paying for her use of the baths. It was segregated between male and female but there was no differentiating between species. Sometimes if the baths were packed with a whole bunch of krogan ladies, it could make for a squeezy experience. That night, it was empty save for Umi. Ryder was surprised to see her there. She nodded in acknowledgement before stripping off her clothes. Ryder headed straight for an available shower head. She bit back a yelp as the cold water ran down her body. Soap and shampoo quickly joined the mix. Her hands ran over her skin as she washed the grime off. Her cut knuckles stung under the running water. Pretty soon, the shower head beeped and the water stopped abruptly. 

Instead of towelling off, Ryder joined Umi in the baths. It was a giant tub of hot water, 40 degrees, very reminiscent of the natural spring water baths back on Earth. The ones on Kadara ran on solar power that in turn power panels that superheat the water. There were plenty of natural hot springs around Kadara but the water would dissolve bones instead of loosening tense muscles. Ryder couldn’t help but shudder at the thought of the acid. She had too many nightmares to ever like the thought of the acid.

As she settled down in the pool, Ryder sighed in contentedly. The heat worked its way into her muscles, her bones, her very soul. The bath was silent except for the echoing drip, drip, dripping of a leaky tap. She closed her eyes and just relaxed. 

In the darkness of her eyelids, Ryder relived every punch she threw at Vidal. It was satisfying on some level but deep down she wasn’t happy at the way she lost control. Her hand twitched. In her mind’s eye, her blade flashed. She remembered the way the point met resistance and then plunged through fabric, skin and finally flesh when she pushed down. “Hey!” a voice called jerking her out of her memories. Ryder’s eyes snapped open, instantly glaring in the direction of the voice. 

It was Umi. “Are you all right?” she asked, looking at Ryder warily. 

Taking a deep breath, allowing the hot steam to infuse her lungs before blowing it out through her mouth, Ryder shrugged. She had no answer better for Umi. Her hands hurt but it felt good. Ryder knew what she did back at the raid was straight out torture. She knew in her hearts of hearts, she hit him because she wanted to, because she wanted to take it out on Vidal. All of a sudden, Ryder felt dirty. _I’ve fucking sunk to his level._

Her hand went straight to her head. The fresh tattoo was still a little raw even with medi-gel. Her skin crawled in a way that made her want a new tattoo. _Fuck._

“I’m fine,” Ryder said. 

Umi just eyed her warily, not quite believing her. Ryder just shrugged in response. “How’s business?” she asked.

Umi just hummed non-committedly, clearly seeing through Ryder’s attempt at changing the subject. The asari obliged her ex-bouncer. “Same old, same old.”

“Do you have any more problems with the Roekaar?” Ryder asked. 

Umi shrugged. “No more than usual but after Ditaeon the people are more vigilant against them.”

“Any regular angaras get caught in this _vigilance_?” she asked as she tipped her head back to float in the pool. 

“Yeah, there were, Sloane’s people didn’t care to make the distinction. It’s not as bad as friends turning against friends but if this goes on, if attacks come straight to the port. It’s a matter of time when it all falls apart here,” Umi admitted. “What do you care? It’s none of your concern, mysterious one.”

Ryder kept her peace. As she floated staring that the ceiling, all she saw was her work crumbling before her eyes. The battle fought in vain, wounds suffered for nothing. All Ryder could do in the moment was hummed in agreement. 

“You know I’ve heard rumours that you were boarding the Tempest. Isn’t that curious?” Umi said. 

Ryder kept her mouth shut. She knew Umi wasn’t really asking but it was meant as a warning. She knew someone was bound to notice sooner or later. It seemed it would only be a matter of time before Sloane’s going to take notice. Umi didn’t wait for a reply from Ryder and left her to enjoy the pool alone.

That night as she laid on her bed in the dark bunker. Her father’s eyes judging her from the black corners of the room, she put the earpiece on. Music played. A deep stirring voice cried the words as Ryder tried to pull herself from the murky depths of months on the run. She couldn’t afford to run any longer. Heleus didn’t allow it. 

  
_Too many years of battle scars and now_  
 _We're broken_  
 _And all the words you said_  
 _Been hanging over my head for time_  
 _And all of the lines we've crossed_  
 _Have finally burst us open_  
 _As a thousand tiny paper cuts of life_

**Lyrics taken from[Bitter End by Rag’N’Bone Man](https://open.spotify.com/track/7B6q2dIvnHduQSIMsy23kp)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # End Notes:
> 
> I've commissioned art for my Sara Ryder and now my two OC too! Check them out if you’re keen.
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167212682359/commissioned-lukreva-to-draw-my-sara-ryder-go), art by [Lukreva](http://lukreva.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/167850920854/guess-what-this-happened-my-thanks-to), art by [Noctuaalba](http://noctuaalba.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara vs Krogan](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/168253785469/art-by-the-awesome-palavenmoons-thank-you-for), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169096203754/wrench-a-salarian-mechanic-that-sara-ryder-meets), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Dex](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169410716099/its-time-for-the-debut-of-octarius-dexidos-ryder), art by [Palavenmoons](http://palavenmoons.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Badass biotic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169453847369/omg-look-at-my-oc-sara-ryder-shes-awesome), art by [Swimming Trunks](https://swimmingtrunks.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Ryder’s Reflection](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169675483159/ive-commissioned-this-piece-of-art-from-jubberry), art by [Jubberry](http://jubberry.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/169952275414/so-guess-what-i-commissioned-xla-hainex-to-draw), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder Post Havarl, Pre Meridian](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170182812519/something-different-this-time-a-render-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Before & After](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170323467014/chatnoir-art-sara-ryder-portraits-for-natsora), art by [Chatnoir](https://chatnoir-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, Bouncer](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170371017714/sara-ryder-in-neon-lighting-art-by-the-fabulous), art by [Mako-art](http://mako-art.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Post Cetus](https://xandrassketchbook.tumblr.com/post/170537197945/and-some-more-thank-you-sketches-for-donators-to), art by [Xandra’s Sketchbook](https://xandrassketchbook.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder, head unbowed](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170707006274/people-ive-got-new-art-of-sara-ryder-done-by-the), art by [Elyhumanoid](https://tmblr.co/mrW5z6SooWVOv6rkmSPZqFA)


	41. Tying Up Loose Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment, the Ryder siblings stared at each other. One set of brown meeting another set of brown. Scott read only the willingness to lie down on any barbed wire, any trap, anything at all just to get the chip out of her head in her eyes. Defusing the cluster fuck of a situation was just a happy by-product. Ryder saw heartache and despair in her brother’s eyes. Her eyes inevitably flicked towards to her father. He was wearing his N7 armour, as usual, his stance relaxed. He turned to look at her, his eyes were approving. A sense of contentment flooded her. _Fuck, so many years on, I still want his approval. His ghost’s approval? I’ll take it. Shit, I’m pathetic._
> 
> Cora’s omni tool chimed, breaking the stalemate. Ryder recognised the tone. It was one reserved only for critical comms. _What now._ Cora’s eyes scanned the message quickly. “Goddess…” she exclaimed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the first day of the Lunar New Year here so I'm releasing a chapter today. You're not getting a chapter early, you're getting an extra chapter this week!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. I have new art again but the end notes are getting a little out of hand. I'll just drop the link to commissioned art page on my tumblr. I've also compiled a list of music that I've used in the fic so far. I've linked them all to Spotify. If you prefer Youtube links, let me know.

It was just Cora, Scott, Vetra and Ryder at the meeting room. Everyone else was on patrol around Ditaeon or training the volunteer security team. Cora was relaxed, leaning one hip against the holo-table. Scott was within arm’s reach. Ryder watched them, a small smile quirking her lips. Vetra caught her looking and flicked her mandibles quickly at her. 

“So what’s the deal?” Ryder asked. 

“I’ve sent the intel to the Nexus but they were in a council session. I’ve managed to reach Kandros’ aide. She’s arranging an APEX team to pick up our captives,” Cora replied. 

Ryder turned to Vetra, leaning forward with her hands on the holo-table. “Did they talk?”

Vetra shook her head. “Not from Liam’s lack of trying. Boy did he turn on the charm, offering coffee, ration bars even our heat-to-eat meals,” she said. “He just stopped short of outright bribing them with credits.”

“So not a single one of them talked,” Ryder asked, disappointed but not surprised.

“They talked, just nothing useful,” Vetra said. “On and on about saving Andromeda and killing Cetus.”

“They fucking cast me as one of the main characters and they didn’t think to tell me,” Ryder said running a hand through her hair.

Vetra nodded. “It doesn’t matter really since their tech did all the talking for them,” she said, her mandibles spread wide in a turian grin. 

“How so?” 

“You see though they might have started out as a group that utilises hacking as their primary form of attack. Not all their members are particularly tech-savvy, especially our three. Their omni tools aren’t secure either. Whenever we connect to the extranet, our omni tools are pinging the various satellites around the settlement which in turn connects to the various communication buoys that are placed between each populated world,” Vetra said as she watched Ryder frowned, trying to keep up. “This creates a trail for me. With three omni tools, we get three sets of data. Wherever these data points coincide, it’s bound to be another Perseus hideout.”

“That makes sense. I think…” Ryder said, her index finger rubbing against her thumb in concentration.

“Trust me,” Vetra said. “I’m good at what I do.”

Ryder just rolled her eyes. _Why is Vetra reminding me of Dex?_

“So where is this convergence of data points?”

“The Pfeiffer system, more importantly from within the asteroid belt.”

Cora’s eyes narrowed. “That’s really close to the Nexus,” she pointed out. 

“So off-world,” Ryder said. 

Scott was looking at her. “Off-world,” he repeated. 

Ryder grunted and closed her eyes. _I need a fucking ship for the next step. The Tempest is here. Shit, can I do this?_

“Come on Sara,” Scott started. “Come back home.”

 _Home…_ Ryder opened her eyes, instantly finding her father, standing just behind Scott. _Gods… where’s home, really?_

“Ryder,” SAM said. “If I may.”

“Go on,” she said, curious to see what SAM had to say. 

“I know you are concerned about going into combat with you still missing time. Lexi, Vetra and I are close to finding a suitable solution for you.”

Ryder perked up at that. “SAM!” Vetra said, looking furious. 

Her hand rubbed against her head, Ryder could feel her brother’s eyes tracking her hand. “What’s going on?” she asked, putting her hand down. 

Cora was looking as puzzled as she was. “Ryder, look. The neural inhibitor we have is crude and dangerous, I cannot in good faith tell you we have anything close to workable _and safe_.”

“We don’t have enough time to find a truly safe workaround. I’ve calculated that what we have has an 85% safety rating. It might be painful but it would be effective,” SAM said. “With a little bit more time, I am confident we can make it 95% safe.”

“How long is a little more time?” Ryder asked before Vetra could interject. 

“A week or as much time we have till the APEX team is here to relieve us of the captives,” SAM said. 

“What’s this about painful?” Scott asked. 

“Do it,” Ryder said at the same time. 

For a moment, the Ryder siblings stared at each other. One set of brown meeting another set of brown. Scott read only the willingness to lie down on any barbed wire, any trap, anything at all just to get the chip out of her head in her eyes. Defusing the cluster fuck of a situation was just a happy by-product. Ryder saw heartache and despair in her brother’s eyes. Her eyes inevitably flicked towards to her father. He was wearing his N7 armour, as usual, his stance relaxed. He turned to look at her, his eyes were approving. A sense of contentment flooded her. _Fuck, so many years on, I still want his approval. His ghost’s approval? I’ll take it. Shit, I’m pathetic._

Cora’s omni tool chimed, breaking the stalemate. Ryder recognised the tone. It was one reserved only for critical comms. _What now._ Cora’s eyes scanned the message quickly. “Goddess…” she exclaimed. 

* * *

Jaal laid on his bunk. His visor playing music softly. The ship was dark, it was well into the night cycle. Travel between Aya and Kadara always took longer since they had to skirt the galactic core. Evfra had sent him and a team down to Kadara to offer aid to Ditaeon. They had appearances to keep up after all. Jaal knew they were mostly there to eliminate what Roekaar forces that escaped the botched attack. 

He rubbed his eyes, they were burning and sandy but somehow he just couldn’t sleep. It had been like this since Rix’s attack on the Leadership. His mind refused to rest while his body craved for it. Most nights were spent listening to the old earth music that she enjoyed. It made him feel closer to her somehow like it kept a thread of connection alive between them. 

_Why do I still crave this connection? After I’ve given up on her, abandoned her? I laid hands on her. I was the one who crushed everything we had between my own two hands._

Jaal wasn’t sure what he felt, what he thought about everything. He had watched the news vids over and over again. He flinched every time he saw her kill. _The Bloody Blade._ Rix’s attack vids weren’t released publicly but by all reports, it was similar to hers. _But seeing is believing right? I saw it with my own eyes. It’s her hand that ended lives, right?_

Before Jaal would turn the familiar question over in his head, there was a ping on his omni tool. He muted the music and looked. It was a message from SAM. Judging by the date, the message took almost a week to reach him. Their captain had been taking her own sweet time, bypassing all regular space routes. The message must have been waiting for their ship to pass close enough to a communication buoy to reach him. Jaal couldn’t help but miss the QEC on the Tempest. 

_Why would SAM send me a message? Is this one that Cora had directed SAM to send? Or is this SAM acting alone?_

This was the first time he had any contact with anyone from the Tempest. His heart thumped hard against his chest. _Did they have news? Is she found?_

Jaal sat up in his bunk. His finger hovered over the button to launch the message. Then, an alarm blared overhead. His squadmates roused from their sleep. Many jerking awake violently, others cursing at the noise.

“All hands, stand by for updated orders.”

* * *

All eyes were on Cora. “SAM, please get Kallo set course to the Nexus. We are leaving in 30 minutes,” Cora said. 

Ryder stood immediately. There was no way she could be on the Tempest if they were headed for the Nexus. “What happened?” Scott asked. 

“The Leadership has been hit again,” Cora said, eyes wide. “They have gone into lockdown.”

_Fuck._

* * *

Things moved fast after that. Ryder got herself off the Tempest as soon as Scott wheedled her comm address out of her. He made her promise not to go after Perseus on her own. Ryder agreed, she wasn’t stupid. Reckless maybe but never stupid. Nobody survived long on Kadara by being stupid, anyway.

Cora left Liam and Drack on Ditaeon to continue their work training and acting as security until Kandros could re-route an APEX team to their location. Cora, on the other hand, got Ryder to agree to help out if the Roekaar attacked again. Ryder agreed as well, she wasn’t heartless. There was no way she’ll allow Ditaeon to fall, not after all the effort she had put into keeping the people there alive. 

Vetra promised to continue working with Lexi and SAM. She was obviously still pissed with SAM. “Vetra, I need this neural inhibitor if I am going to be useful. I don’t want you to fight this battle for me,” she growled, immediately regretting the tone. “This is my fight.”

Vetra kept still for a moment, blinking at the vehemence of her words. 

She sighed, her mandible fluttering. “Hey, I’m sorry that my sources and informants didn’t pan out,” she said, her eyes downcast. “If only, I was able to get a lead… The Cetus chip… All these months… You were alone…”

Ryder placed her hand on Vetra’s arm, her shoulder would be a stretch to reach. Ryder cursed her height. “No, Vetra. You can’t think like that. It’s in the past. We can’t change it. We all did what we could. No what ifs or buts,” she said. 

“Besides I wasn’t alone,” Ryder said, tapping her head. 

Vetra’s eyes narrowed. At first, she thought Ryder meant Wrench and Dex. Then her eyes focused in on the tattoo along Ryder’s scar. The words that were tattooed there were in English, one of humans’ many languages. 

_SAM. SR. JAD. CH. LT. ND. PB._

“I’ll do you next,” Ryder promised as she turned to disembark. 

* * *

Ryder spent the time training Dex hard. They were almost always at the villa, returning to the port only to pick up supplies. When she did return to the port, she made her rounds among the stall owners, chatting them up as they picked up supplies. Making a point to speak to the angara stalls in particular to get a feel of the tension at the port. Umi was another great source of information. She comm Liam and Drack daily to check on how things were going on at Ditaeon. It seemed all was quiet on the Roekaar front too. Sloane had people patrolling the port, making sure what happened at Ditaeon wasn’t going to happen on her home turf. 

News of the hit on the Leadership was kept airtight. Nobody outside the Tempest crew and Ryder knew about it. She didn’t even tell Wrench or Dex. However, Dex seemed to sense something was up. 

“Why are we training every day?” Dex asked. “Don’t you have salvage runs to go on?”

Ryder just ignored his question. He glowered at her. She knew her behaviour was drastically out of the norm but what was she to do? Leave Dex half trained? Even with daily training for the past week, he wouldn’t be trained. Not completely, not remotely ready for anything. All Ryder had hoped to accomplish was to give him the basics to control his biotics and a very rudimentary training on basic biotics defensive skills. 

“Are you suddenly made of credits?” he went on, like Kiba with a bone she’d found. 

Dex wasn’t about to let this go. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” He blurted out suddenly. 

Ryder deflated. His mandibles fluttered. “Spirits! I’m right,” he said. 

She sighed. That was as good as an admission. “Does it matter Dex? I’m going my best to teach you what you need to know,” she said, running her hand over her head, wincing as she brushed against the new VN tattoo on her scalp. 

“Take me with you!” he said, stepping towards her, his practice crate thumping on the roof with the sudden withdrawal of his energy. 

“No.” 

There were plenty of reasons not to. Firstly, she had no intentions of doing so. Her own future on Kadara was pretty much shot. Staying wasn’t an option. Where she was going she had no idea but it wouldn’t be safe, it wouldn’t be anywhere she went. There was no way she’d bring someone as untrained as Dex. Combat was a given if she was going get to the bottom of the Cetus mess. Dex would just be a liability. 

Secondly, she had enough things to worry about namely Perseus, the Roekaar, and the fucking relations between the Milky Way species and angaras. There was no way she needed more. She hadn’t even began to sort out her feelings for Jaal.

Thirdly, if she dared to let herself think about what came after Cetus, that future was vague and still as bleak. If Ryder was lucky, she’ll find another villa on another planet. If she’s not or worse she’d failed… Ryder shuddered. There were only two ways this was going to end, she’ll have the chip out of her head or she’ll die trying. There was no way Ryder was taking Dex on what’s possibly a one-way trip. 

The thoughts flashed through Ryder’s mind for a split second but it must have shown on her face. Dex glared at her. Her muscles along her jaw rippled. 

“No,” Ryder repeated herself. “Now, do you want to continue the lessons or you want to be a child?”

He looked away, mandibles tight against his face. And that was the end of the conversation. 

* * *

Wrench watched Ryder clearing up the meagre belongings she had from around her workshop. If Wrench didn’t know better she would think Ryder was tying up loose ends as if she was dying next week. “What’s on your mind?” she asked. 

It was clear the human was trying to work her way up to asking for a favour. Ryder looked at her with something akin to frustration. “Is it about your turian shaped shadow that you have seemed to misplaced today?”

Ryder barked a laugh, short and harsh. “Hole in one,” she said. “You know I’m leaving, right?”

Wrench’s eyes narrowed. “It’s very clear that you are,” she said, pointing at the small heap of belongings Ryder’s feet. 

Most of it just ration bars and spare ammo magazines. It wasn’t going to fit into the satchel she had. “Yeah,” Ryder said. “Dex wants to come.”

“Then let him.”

Ryder frowned. “He’s untrained. Would you bring him into combat with you, Sniper?”

She scratched her face at the sound of her call sign. “Touché but _you_ brought him into combat with you,” Wrench pointed out smugly. 

“Touché.”

“Besides, he is good at what he does. He has credits. If Dex doesn’t want to stay on Kadara and is hell-bent on following you. There is no way I can stop him. Not for long anyway,” Wrench said, listing the points out on her three-fingered hand. “It’s safer that he goes with you. Or would you rather leave him to his own devices?”

“But he not five! And he is not my responsibility!” Ryder cried, frustrated Wrench wasn’t seeing things her way. 

“Well, that might be true,” Wrench said. “But he had adopted you as his sister, like it or not, he sees you as clan, as family. And you accepted it by training him, well that was _after_ rescuing him twice I might add.”

“Gods! This is a nightmare.”

“I don’t envy you,” Wrench laughed. 

Ryder rubbed her hands over her face and looked at the small pile of stuff at her feet. “Staring at them would make them any smaller or fit any better,” Wrench said. 

Ryder grunted. She unwrapped a bar and started eating. Wrench snorted. “You’re not going to eat enough to fit what you have in your pack either.”

She went rummaging around in her room. “Here,” Wrench said as she tossed it over to Ryder. 

Ryder caught it one-handed. “Use that,” Wrench said. 

It was a large duffle bag, it would fit everything she had on the floor and more. “Thanks,” Ryder said. “Hey about my outstanding debt…” 

Wrench laughed. “You’re worried about that?” she asked resting her hands on her hips. 

Wrench shook her head at the human. Ryder certainly had an odd sense of priorities. “You’re leaving and you are worried about your outstanding debts? It’s not like you are dying, you can always pay me back when this is done,” she said, then Wrench noticed Ryder’s face. 

She looked grim. 

Wrench walked over to Ryder, placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled her over to the sofa. With a gentle push, she got Ryder to sit down. Wrench joined her on the sofa, for the first time sitting side by side instead of across from each other. “I don’t know what’s really going on. Ryder, you know I don’t pry but I’ve come to care,” Wrench said, her voice soft. “You don’t expect this to be successful?” 

Ryder tilted her head backwards and rested her head on the sofa. Her eyes closed. “I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just don’t want to get you involved. I’ve ready gotten Dex mixed up with this.”

Wrench became quiet, sensing there was more Ryder wanted to say, just bubbling under the surface of stoicism. Kiba shuffled over to them and nudged Ryder’s leg, causing her to open her eyes and pat the dog. A small smile on her face as her fingers ran through the husky’s thick ruff. “I am not the person I once was,” she said, eyes on Kiba. 

“I don’t know you as the person you once was but I know you now,” Wrench pointed out. “I know you are a survivor. You have the skills to eke out a living on Kadara and that’s saying something. And Ditaeon, how many would have put two and two together?”

“That wasn’t me,” Ryder interrupted. “That was mostly Dex.”

“Fine, how many would actually have done anything about it?”

Ryder closed her mouth, conceding the point. “Sloane didn’t even do anything about it, did she?”

Wrench shrugged. “Word was she was going to lead a team but after she received word that the Tempest had landed, she cancelled it. But we’re not talking about Sloane, we’re talking about you,” she said, turning to face Ryder. “Come on, are you not a trained soldier? I’ve seen you move, you have seen combat. You’ve probably made hard decisions. You’ve succeeded more often than not, otherwise, you won’t be here. I don’t know the Shield of Meridian but I know the you that’s sitting here with me”

Wrench took Ryder’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. “If you want to talk about it, you know I am more than willing to lend an ear,” she said. “But I might have to charge you for the session.”

Ryder snorted. 

* * *

What Wrench said were all true to a point. How many were successes, how many were a fluke, how many were built on the sacrifice of others? Her thoughts flashed back to the time she chose to rescue Raeka over the krogans. The disappointment Drack had levelled at her after was a bitter taste in her mouth. 

She was the Pathfinder then but she wasn’t one now. _Not being Pathfinder mean if I fall, nobody else would fall with me._ There was a subtle shift in her posture. 

_Cora has done a great job as Pathfinder. The crew is thriving. Scott has found his feet on the Tempest too._ Ryder found she was seeing things a little clearer now. 

_My escape had screwed things up for everyone. It’s my job to set things right._ A slight weight lifted from her shoulders. Ryder did better with a direction to move in. Now she had a clear goal in mind, a location, an enemy and a mission. Her eyes lifted and found it met her father’s. He looked at her with something akin to pride. 

_If my life is the only coin I have left to spend. If that’s what it takes…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # Tumblr Pages
> 
> NEW ART --->
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)


	42. Back on Board

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cora had seen the look on Kandros and Kesh’s faces when she showed the vid to them. The dismay and then the dawning realisation what Ryder had suffered under Perseus’ hands, add that to the subsequent trial and removal of her implant had only compounded the horror that the Leadership had unwittingly inflicted on her. “Shit, Harper,” Kandros cursed, his mandibles slack in quiet revulsion. “I… We shouldn’t have judged her so swiftly… We should have done better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another chapter! Here you go! Still more of an interlude, rather than plotty plot plot but we're getting there. Comments and kudos are always welcome.

“Are you sure about this?” Vetra asked. 

Lexi just sighed in the background, knowing better than to ask. 

“Yes,” Ryder said. 

Lexi sighed louder. _Of course. Is it stupid? Is it dangerous? Yes and yes, why wouldn’t Ryder do it._

Ryder fingered the neural inhibitor that’s around her neck. It still stung a little where the inhibitor’s contacts pierced her skin. Long metal pins that attached directly to her amp, intercepting signals coming to and from the Cetus chip. That’s their working solution. It was a heavy-handed override protocol but without having access to the actual schematics, it was the best they could do. It would trigger whenever her brand new collar sensed foreign signals. By foreign, it meant everything non-biotic. Without a clearer idea what signals the Cetus chip emitted or received, the best bet was to err on the side of caution. Ryder approved that line of thinking. 

“Remind me, what exactly does the override protocol do?” Ryder asked, fingers touching the thick collar around her neck. 

“Something way too reckless and stupid,” Lexi blurted, her disapproval plain on her pebbled face. 

The med-bay was feeling a little too small for the three of them standing around. “You know why I need this, Lexi,” Ryder pointed out as she rested her weight against the bed behind her. 

“Ryder, I know you’ve explained but this is way too dangerous,” Vetra said with her hands on her hips, leaning towards Ryder.

Sensing an ally on her side, Lexi pressed on. “I don’t like the risks you are taking, Ryder. Your brain will effectively be flooded with junk signals to drown out any signals the Cetus chip is transmitting or receiving. It’s all static, rendering you incapable of action at best, stopping your heart at worse. I won’t lie. It is going to hurt. The after effects isn’t pretty either.”

“Well, how likely is the worse case going to happen?” Ryder asked. “SAM?”

The AI’s cool voice came from the inter-comm over the three frustrated ladies. “10%,” he replied. “It’s well within acceptable risks limits.”

“How is having a chance, any chance, your heart stopping acceptable? Whatever the percentage.” Lexi asked, her eyes blazing at the ceiling. “Just because you have done it before, doesn’t mean it will always work. You can’t expect your body to just bounce back every time it happens.”

Vetra grabbed Ryder’s shoulders. “You don’t have SAM to help restart your heart like before. This is still way too dangerous, Ryder.”

She wrenched her shoulder free from Vetra’s grip. Her hands rubbing against her scar. Lexi’s eyes didn’t miss the motion. Ryder forced her hand down. “Ok but that’s why we are testing it now right? While we have the luxury of a med-bay and no bullets flying around.”

She started pacing, her nervous energy buzzing just under her skin. “You can’t expect me to sit this out. That’s out of the question. I have a fucking chip in my head that says this is my business.”

Ryder whirled around to Vetra and Lexi. Her brown eyes equal measures of fear and determination. “If you can’t help, then I’ll have to do it my way. I will beg, borrow or steal any ship that flies. I’d rather do this with you all at my back but if this is too hard for you, I can do it on my own. This fucking mess needed to be fixed nine months ago,” Ryder’s voice hard, brittle and sharp like glass slicing through flesh. 

Her eyes were begging them to understand. Vetra looked at Lexi. The doctor’s gaze was softening. She nodded to Vetra. _It’s better to have Ryder here where she has access to medical care than the alternative._ Lexi had seen the alternative. The physical she gave Ryder when she first returned to the Tempest had spoken clearly of what nine months on the run had done to her body. That’s just the physical. Mentally was a whole other story. Lexi didn’t think she would be able to convince Ryder to resume her sessions, at least not until the Cetus chip was removed. 

Ryder glanced at the corner of the med-bay. Lexi followed her gaze. There was nothing there but Ryder kept her gaze there before finally nodding. At what? Herself? Lexi had no idea. “Fine,” she said finally, moving towards the table where three palm-sized controllers were resting. 

“Let’s do the test lying down first,” Vetra said, motioning Ryder to one of the beds. 

Ryder sighed, relief clear in the set of her shoulder. Almost eagerly she laid down on the bed as instructed. “Are you ready?” Lexi asked, her hands jittering slightly with her finger on the controller. 

Ryder nodded. 

* * *

Cora rubbed her temples. The headache was near constant since her last trip to the Nexus. It was a total mess. _Goddess, a third attempt on the Leadership and nobody thought that it was a conspiracy?_ Theris’ attack was thankfully unsuccessful but the lockdown protocol had been activated. There was no contacting Tann, T’vera or Addison. The Nexus Leadership had gone dark, escorted off the Nexus and shuttled off to who knew where on a frigate. 

Nominally, Kandros and Kesh would be in charge until such time the lockdown was lifted. _When would that be? Who’s deciding that?_ The only good thing that came out of making the trip to the Nexus was preventing Theris from being thrown into jail. 

Cora had seen the look on Kandros and Kesh’s faces when she showed the vid to them. The dismay and then the dawning realisation what Ryder had suffered under Perseus’ hands, add that to the subsequent trial and removal of her implant had only compounded the horror that the Leadership had unwittingly inflicted on her. “Shit, Harper,” Kandros cursed, his mandibles slack in quiet revulsion. “I… We shouldn’t have judged her so swiftly… We should have done better.”

“We were all scared. We were all being stupid,” Kesh said, placing her claw on his shoulder. “My… child paid the price.”

Cora just bowed her head. Lexi together with the Nexus Medical team found the Cetus chip under the Pathfinder implant for both Rix and Theris. Rix’s chip looked like an upgraded version compared Ryder’s and Theris’ was the most advanced looking. During Ryder’s episodes, she was non-verbal and almost zombie-like. Cora had a chance to view Theris’ attack on the security footage. She was speaking and acting totally normal till a switch was flipped. There were no glassy eyes and she was talking normally albeit out of character. The upgraded Cetus chips were impossible to differentiate from true betrayal short of cracking open the victims’ head for a check. Cora shuddered at that realisation. 

Likewise, both Cetus chips were too intertwined with their Pathfinder implant and all of them rigged to blow. Both Pathfinders had agreed to remain under observation to prevent further accidents. At least their crew could heave a sigh of relief their Pathfinders weren’t murderers and they could resume their command after this mess was cleared up. _What about Ryder?_

The unasked question must have shown on her face because Kandros and Kesh looked awkwardly away. Nobody had an answer. Suddenly the hall that had seen Ryder’s denouncement of Tann and later her own trial felt too small, too hot. Kandros and Kesh knew Ryder was innocent but would the Leadership which Tann led reinstate a Pathfinder so publicly cast down? _Sorry we’ve made a mistake and that was that? Did Tann’s pride allow that?_ Nobody spoke for a while as they sank in their respective pits of uncomfortable understanding. Finally, Kandros broke the silence. “I’ll continue trying to reach Tann and the others,” he said. 

“Do you know where’s Raeka? She has to be warned and checked out as soon as possible,” Cora said, leaning forward, resting her hands on the table. “We have no easy way to just differentiate between chipped and unchipped just by looking.”

Kesh shook her head. “Lockdown protocol means protecting the Leadership and the Pathfinders. Raeka has already gone dark. Until Tann or one of us rescinds the lockdown, nobody will be pinging back in.”

“Goddess, this is a mess,” Cora cursed, her hand squeezing the bridge of her nose. “Who’s with Tann then?”

“Captain Zaex and the squad under his command,” Kandros supplied after checking his datapad. 

_Why does the name sound so familiar? Zaex…_

“He was the one you rescued from Havarl.”

Cora blew a breath out through clenched teeth. _Sure why not, Zaex from Havarl. Why is everything lining up so neatly like there was a hidden hand in every single Goddess damned thing?_

“This is going nowhere. What you need to do is clear, Harper,” Kesh said, her face in a grimace. “Root out Perseus and find a way to get the Cetus chip out of our Pathfinders’ heads.”

Cora nodded. That much was clear to her. “Do your best to keep a lid on this until I can get it cleared up. Let me know Raeka’s position as soon as possible. Meanwhile, have the Nexus Medical team work on removing the Cetus chip. There is no guarantee I’ll be able to secure the intel we need to safely remove the chip.”

Kesh nodded, ever the practical one.

“Protocol states Zaex and Raeka will check in with the Nexus in ten days. We just need to hold out till we can get word to the rest,” Kandros pointed out, sarcastically. 

_Ten days…_

Cora sighed, “Sure, ten days. Goes by in a flash.” 

Kandros laughed while Kesh rolled her eyes at them. Cynicism was certainly the operative word of the day. Pushing off her chair, Cora stood up to leave. Plans and problems swirling around in her head already. Kesh called out. “Harper.”

She stopped short at the threshold. Kandros was still at the table tidying up his small pile of datapads. Kesh had stood up. She looked lesser, smaller somehow after recovering from her injuries inflicted by Rix. Cora hadn’t really had the time to really see Kesh. They weren’t close but they had worked together. Silently, Cora chided herself for not looking in on Kesh. _Ryder would have done it differently._ The lost of her child was tough not only on Kesh but on Drack as well. She remembered how happy he was with he played messenger between Kesh and Vorn before a mating agreement was made. Vorn and Drack did a small jig when Kesh announced she was with child. Cora shook her head mentally. It was all over. The child didn’t survive the gunshot to Kesh’s guts. It took all Cora’s persuasion to keep Drack from killing Rix. She wasn’t proud when she pointed out how much this was like Ryder. The look Drack gave her was one of utter betrayal. 

“Yes?” she replied, attempting to shake the memories from her head. 

“Bring her home if you can. We have to make this right, to her,” Kesh said. 

There was no need to say who “her” was. All three of them knew who they were talking about. Only one knew her true whereabouts. Cora wasn’t about to go spreading that information around, at least not until she was sure Ryder wouldn’t just be promptly thrown into jail and caged like the others. Settling for a quick nod as she headed out. 

* * *

“Are you all right?” Scott asked. 

He found his sister leaning her head against a metal crate in the cargo bay. Her eyes squeezed shut, her face in a painful grimace. She just grunted at him without even opening her eyes. 

Scott placed his hand on her forehead. It was warm, too warm. “Go away, Scott,” she groaned. 

His eyes wandered to the thick collar that encircled her neck. It looked way too much like a noose. He frowned and scratched his neck uncomfortably as he put two and two together. “You did the test.” he blurted. 

She didn’t answer but she rolled her head away from him, searching for a cooler spot on the crate. “SAM?” he called. 

The AI’s voice came through on his omni tool. “Yes, Ryder had done the test a few hours ago. It was successful but she is currently experiencing the after-effects of the test.”

“She feels feverish.”

“That’s the result of sensory overload that renders the subject unconscious. It is not a pleasant experience but it should pass.”

“SAM,” Sara groaned. “That’s what you told me but its been at least an hour since. I can’t be incapacitated for hours on end after every single time the collar fires up.”

Scott didn’t like the sound of that but he kept his mouth shut. “I mean if this is the best there is, I’ll take it but could you, Vetra and Lexi work on it?” she pleaded as she finally opened her eyes. 

Her eyes watered as she winced against the light. “Yes, Ryder. We will keep working on it.”

Sara got to her feet, wobbling a little. Scott extended a hand to steady her which she took gratefully. “How’s the resupply?” she asked. 

“Almost done. We’re waiting for your turian.”

His sister glowered at him. “That’s not nice, Scott. You know why he is coming. You know that I don’t want him to but it’s better than to have him blundering around behind us.”

Scott ducked his head. “Sorry. He just gets on my nerves.”

She patted his arm as she released it. “You’ll get used to it. I know I did.”

They headed to the gallery to grab some food. His sister felt like her old self. Scott wasn’t sure if the pain had loosened her tongue or she was just more comfortable being back on the Tempest. Her stance was more relaxed, no longer looking like she was on the verge of running like a scared rabbit. No matter what caused the change, he was grateful for it. Scott just wanted his sister back again, in whatever form it took. 

Inside the gallery they found Dex stuffing his mouth full with at least three opened heat to eat packs on the table. “Ryder!” he shouted with his mouth full. “These taste awesome!”

Sara winced at the noise. “Not so loud, please.”

At the same time, Scott was about to yell at Dex, probably something about eating more than he needed or letting someone know that he was on board. One glare from his sister made him swallowed all his words. Sara settled down on the bench next to Dex, bending forward to rest her head on the pillows of her arms. “Tea, please.”

Scott set the water to boil while he rummaged about for some tea bags. There were some he had seen Lexi enjoying. He took two cups out and hesitated. Scott glanced meaningfully at Dex. A quirk of his eyebrows was enough to communicate his question. The young turian nodded a little too quickly to hide his eagerness. A third cup joined the other two. 

Soon the whistle of the kettle filled the air. Sara groaned at the noise but she lifted her head up and looked at the cups expectantly. Scott pushes the first cup into her waiting hands. “It’s too hot,” he said at the same time she hissed as she took a quick sip. 

Dex just laughed. Both Ryders glared at him and his laughter quelled under their combined looks. Scott slid the second cup over to Dex. The three of them cradled their respective cups in silence. 

The door opened and Cora walked in. “I was looking for the both of you,” she said as she poured a cup of coffee for herself. 

Sara turned her barely opened eyes in her direction. Scott slid his hand over to touch Cora’s in an almost absent gesture. Dex’s mandibles went wide as he watched. Sara shot him a look. He went back to studying the bottom of his cup. 

“Headache?” Cora asked, with a sympathetic grimace of her own. 

“Something like that.”

“They did the test,” Scott interjected. “This is the after effect.”

Cora frowned, ready to open her mouth to protest. Sara lifted a finger up to forestall her line of reasoning. “They are working on improving this…” she said as she gestured at her neck. 

Scott sighed. _Stubborn._ He exchanged a look with Cora and he shrugged. Sara just grunted and went back to sipping her tea. “Right, anyway. I just wanted to let you know we’ve picked up a set of hard shell for Dex. You should be able to fit into your old set. That’s still in your locker.”

Sara opened her mouth a protest ready on her lips. Cora mimicked the gesture Sara used earlier. “You’re not going on any missions if you are not wearing your hard shell.”

Sara’s mouth closed with a clack. Dex gritted his teeth to hold back his laughter, it came out as a snort instead. Scott rolled his eyes as the young turian. “And,” Cora continued. “Your old room is still empty. That’ll be your sleeping quarters. Dex you can take the tech lab if you don’t mind cleaning out the place a bit.”

Scott watched as Sara’s eyes hardened. He knew this wouldn’t go down well but there was no talking Cora out of it. The guilt she felt taking over from Sara was still palpable after all these months. Likewise, he knew his sister wouldn’t accept, _her_ guilt at the deaths she had caused was clear in her self-exile. Everything was broken, everything was sick and soaked with the flames of unearned guilt. Scott sighed. 

Sara just shook her head. “I can’t.”

Without further explanation, she stood up and walked out. Dex quickly chugged the rest of his tea, grimacing at the bitterness of the dregs before loping after Sara. 

* * *

Ryder made her bed at the cargo bay in a nest of pilfered blankets and a small fort of pillows. _Of course, the tech lab is available. Jaal’s no longer here._ She sighed as she pulled her old hard shell from the locker. Her fingers tracing the seams and buckles with faint nostalgia. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her father hovering. Even without actually looking at him, she could feel the disapproval radiating from him. _Isn’t this what he wanted? For me to clean up this mess?_

Her hands touched the unearned N7 insignia on her hard shell. Her father took two steps closer, his mouth a thin hard line. Ryder glanced around a bit to make sure the cargo bay was empty. “Is this the problem?” she whispered. 

Alec Ryder, N7 operative and her father, walked over and nodded. “I don’t deserve to wear, do I?”

She wasn’t looking at her father any longer. Standing up, she walked over to Liam’s room. The same old dirty sofa was still there, currently unoccupied. Rummaging around she found what she was looking for. Muttering an apology under her breath for taking it without permission, she took the chest piece to the work table. The hard file attacked the insignia and made short work of it. Pretty soon the N7 insignia was gone. 

Somehow it lifted her spirits a little. At first, when she was made the Pathfinder, after her father’s death, she found his old armour in his assigned room on the ark. The armour was battered and scuffed. There was no doubt that was the set he wore when he died. Ryder didn’t know what to do with it, other than to preserve it for Scott. There was a second set, clean and pristine, there was no doubt in her mind that she had to keep that set for her brother too. She wouldn’t fit in it anyway. When she started ordering N7 grade armour, Tann had insisted that the insignia be put on her hard shell. _Boost of morale, plays well with the people._ It didn’t sit well with her then but she had bigger problems than the insignia on her fucking armour.

Looking at the scratch spot where the N7 insignia used to be, Ryder felt righted. Yet another toehold to slow down her free-falling. Vaguely, she wondered if she would ever feel normal again. _What is normal anyway?_

Satisfied with her handiwork, she started putting on her armour. It took a bit of doing, her fingers feeling fat with the clasps and buckles. Eventually, she managed it. The hard shell felt loose, like how she felt in her own skin. _Got to get some padding to fill out the space inside._

“Ryder,” SAM’s voice came over the intercom. 

“Yeah?” Her fingers busy with unbuckling her armour. 

“It’s late.”

“I know.” She had stuffed her armour back into the locker.

“Humans need at least eight hours of sleep to function optimally.”

“I know,” she repeated. Taking two steps to the right, she found Dex’s armour in Jaal’s old locker. Her hands stilled for a moment before pulling the armour out. She noted with satisfaction that Cora didn’t scrimp on Dex’s armour. 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” SAM persisted. “Your body needs the rest, especially after the test.”

Ryder sighed. “I don’t want to dream,” she admitted. 

“Are you still…”

“Yes,” Ryder said, the word rushing out of her mouth. 

Her hands turned the armour pieces around. There was nothing wrong with them. They were perfect for Dex. There was no need to inspect them. It just gave her an excuse not to sleep. 

“You do have to rest eventually,” SAM chided. “You can’t go out on the field unrested.”

She sighed. She knew SAM was right. Here on the Tempest, she felt too exposed. For a split second, she regretted not taking up Cora’s offer to sleep in her old room. The offer was still there as long as she could bring herself to walk into the room. Still, it didn’t sit right with her. Regardless she was committed now. It’s the cargo bay or bunking with Dex. 

“There are too many ghosts here,” she sighed, stuffing the armour back into the locker. 

“I’ll watch over you,” SAM offered. “I can monitor your vitals now that you are on the Tempest. I can wake up if you’re having a nightmare.”

Ryder rubbed her head as she considered. It was better than nothing. “All right.”

“Just keep your earpiece in as you sleep.”

She stripped down to her tank top as she snuggled into the mountain of blankets and pillows. It wasn’t that Ryder wasn’t tired, the test had sapped her energy but being on the Tempest again, she felt herself letting her guard down. She could almost pretend she was back where she belonged but she knew better, she didn’t belong anywhere anymore. Once she got the chip out of her head, she’ll be leaving again. It’s inevitable. 

Pushing her earpiece into her ear, music started playing on its own accord. “Rest, Sara,” SAM’s voice came through her ear piece. 

_Just close your eyes_  
_The sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright_  
_No one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound_

**Lyrics taken from[Safe and sound by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars](https://open.spotify.com/track/50cOriuH0IlxNWE22WPpQW)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # Tumblr Pages
> 
> NEW ART—> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)


	43. Space Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then he saw a glint in Ryder’s eyes. He recognised it. It said a challenge, once laid down must be answered. Dex gulped. 
> 
> Ryder turned to Cora. “Care to do the honours?” she asked.
> 
> Cora raised an eyebrow but agreed. Ryder took Dex’s spot in the centre of the cargo bay. “Ready?” Cora asked as Ryder formed her shield. 
> 
> It was the layered version Cora saw at Ditaeon. Ryder nodded. Dex watched first with wide-eyed horror later with slack-jawed awe. The Lances Cora threw were thicker, faster and more powerful. Each impacted against Ryder’s shield with a slam, it sent a sizzle up her arms. Ryder didn’t found it easy but she had the endurance Dex didn’t. When one layer dropped another took its place as she readied the layers. On and on it went. Both attacker and defender panted but neither yielded.
> 
> Soon a crowd gathered around them. Liam was going around asking for bets. He stopped at Scott. “So who are you betting on? Who’s going to yield first?” he asked.
> 
> Scott physically recoiled. “Are you trying to get in trouble?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments. I really appreciate them! We've come to a more action-y bit. Hopefully you all like it.

It wasn’t the faceless man, not anymore. It was Vidal with his sleek-back hair and perfect teeth. Smiling and approaching with that fucking flask. Acid, that burnt, ate, melted. Screams, so raw, so ragged. 

A sharp beep pierced her ear. Ryder shot bolt upright. She clamped a hand over her ear after she yanked her earpiece out. 

“Good morning,” SAM said through the intercom.

“Shit, is this your version of a morning call?” Ryder yelled, her ears still ringing. 

“In a manner of speaking,” SAM agreed. “You were having a nightmare.”

Ryder rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. “Thank you,” Ryder said as she stood. “But next time, mind if you do it more gently?”

“I could wake Scott or Dex up instead,” SAM offered. 

“Is that a threat, SAM?”

There was no response. No matter, Ryder took herself to the showers to clean up for breakfast. It was another two more days to the asteroid belt. And hopefully, a solution to the ticking time bomb in her head.

After breakfast, Ryder trained with Dex while Cora watched. Nobody spoke. The movements were rote by now. Dex wasn’t slacking off or staring like he used to. His movement now smoother. Moving more from muscle memory than running the moves through his head. 

“Form a shield,” Ryder ordered. 

Dex’s mandibles fluttered nervously but he did it. “Ready?” she asked.

“For what?” 

Ryder didn’t answer but she sent a small but quick Lance at his shield. It shimmered and held against the attack. Dex puffed his chest up in pride. “Ha!” he called triumphantly. 

That was before Ryder started pelting him with low-grade Lances continuously. Cora sniggered as she watched Dex struggled to reform his shield. Pretty soon he was curled up in a ball trying to protect his unplated bits. “I yield! I yield!”

Ryder stopped the onslaught. “You need endurance training now that you got the basics down.”

“Bullshit! Nobody could have withstood such a barrage,” Dex protested. 

Then he saw a glint in Ryder’s eyes. He recognised it. It said a challenge, once laid down must be answered. Dex gulped. 

Ryder turned to Cora. “Care to do the honours?” she asked.

Cora raised an eyebrow but agreed. Ryder took Dex’s spot in the centre of the cargo bay. “Ready?” Cora asked as Ryder formed her shield. 

It was the layered version Cora saw at Ditaeon. Ryder nodded. Dex watched first with wide-eyed horror later with slack-jawed awe. The Lances Cora threw were thicker, faster and more powerful. Each impacted against Ryder’s shield with a slam, it sent a sizzle up her arms. Ryder didn’t found it easy but she had the endurance Dex didn’t. When one layer dropped another took its place as she readied the layers. On and on it went. Both attacker and defender panted but neither yielded.

Soon a crowd gathered around them. Liam was going around asking for bets. He stopped at Scott. “So who are you betting on? Who’s going to yield first?” he asked.

Scott physically recoiled. “Are you trying to get in trouble?”

Liam laughed and moved on. Peebee and Suvi were cheering Ryder and Cora alternatingly while Drack was firmly in Ryder’s corner. Kallo cringed at every impact, muttering apologies to the Tempest under his breath. Lexi was shaking her head and prayed to the Goddess nobody gets a stray Lance in their face. Gil was yelling at them to not hit the Nomad. 

Dex watched the cheerful atmosphere. It wasn’t something he was used to. Though Dex was adamant on following Ryder, he was apprehensive about boarding the Tempest. He knew he was far from ready but watching this display of biotic prowess by Cora, Dex realised how the gulf between him and them. The fledgeling watched the masters worked. 

Eventually, Ryder’s shield was flickering, on its last legs. Cora’s Lances were coming slower and slower. By some unspoken signal, both of them stopped. Nobody moved. Only their laboured breaths echoed through the cargo bay. 

“Tie?” Ryder asked. 

“Tie,” Cora agreed.

Both of them collapsed to the floor on their backs. “Let’s not do that again,” Ryder hissed through desperate drags of air into her lungs.

“Agreed,” Cora said as she stretched her hand out towards Ryder. 

Ryder took it and gave it a firm shake while both of them were lying on the floor. “You’ve improved,” Cora commented. 

“I’ve been practising.”

“I can tell. Teach me that layered shield you do sometime.”

Liam groaned, “No! This is so anti-climatic.”

Drack laughed and clapped a hand on his back. “Too bad, now give me back my credits.”

Scott hurried over to both combatants, offering them water and ration bars. Dex sat down on the floor and laughed. “I’ve got a long way to go,” he muttered to nobody in particular. 

“Damn right you do,” Ryder replied, eyeing her student. 

* * *

Ryder was jotting down notes as she ran through the scans SAM had provided her. This mission definitely belonged to Cora. She wouldn’t overstep the boundaries and usurp this operation from her. Still, it didn’t stop her from lapsing into her old habits. It never hurt to be more prepared. 

Cora watched Ryder working from the second level of the cargo bay. Scott was leaning on the railing beside her. “How is she?” Cora asked, snaking her arm around his waist. 

Scott hummed in pleasure though his eyes didn’t light up like it usually did. “As well as can be expected,” he sighed. “She’s keeping everything bottled up. That’s how she is. It’ll all spill out when this is done.”

Cora nodded. She had seen the same thing happened with Ryder before. Still, she’s a professional, Cora knew it. Ryder won’t allow herself to fall apart until everything was settled. _As long as this doesn’t take too long. Ten days isn’t too long right?_

“SAM has been monitoring her sleep,” Scott said, as he pulled Cora in closer to him. “Nightmares still come and go but after you two did that biotic show-off, she had no nightmares.”

Cora smacked him in the arm. “I wasn’t showing off!”

“If that’s not showing off, I don’t think Kallo can handle your showing off then.”

Cora laughed but she quickly turned subdued as she turned her attention back to Ryder. The ex-Pathfinder had datapads spread out all over the table. “She didn’t have nightmares because she was too tired to have them,” Cora leaned her head against his chest. “These things take time. You don’t recover from PTSD because time had passed. And she had seen more things than most.”

Scott nodded. Cora’s arms tightened around him. If she could protect both of them, she would but as it was, she was doing her best to keep afloat. _How did Ryder do it?_

“We’ll be arriving at the Pfeiffer system by in a day,” Cora reminded Scott as she extracted herself from his embrace. 

His hands relinquished her reluctantly. “I've got a mission to plan, Scott.”

Scott released his interlocked fingers and jerked his at his sister. “Plan it with Sara. She probably got half the mission planned and it’s something to distract her.”

Cora nodded. “That’s what I intend to do anyway. Get some rest, Scott. I need you at your best tomorrow.”

She left to join Ryder. 

* * *

The hard shell still felt a little too loose to her liking but there was no help for it. There’s no reason to spend good credits to get her a new suit. Who knew how many times she’ll get to use it? 

The collar felt tight around her neck. It looked so much like a slave collar. _That’s what I am, a slave to the fucking chip._ Ryder sighed as she holstered her trusty Mattock. Fingers caressing the stock like a lover. She almost kissed it when she found it in her locker. Buckling her pistol’s holster to her hip, it all felt too familiar and wrong at the same time. Her eyes caught sight of her father watching her. His eyes unreadable this morning. Ryder looked away, going back to her own preparations. She could hardly afford any distractions. 

Pretty soon the cargo bay was filled with the ground team Cora was taking with her. Drack was there. “Kid,” he greeted. 

“Gramps.”

He sniggered as he holstered his shotgun. Vetra, Scott and Peebee were there putting on their hard shells. She and Cora had it planned out the night before. Having a base within the asteroid belt meant one thing for the Tempest, their Nomad was useless. Not for the first time, Ryder cursed the lack of a shuttle. The Tempest could get them near but not too near. 

The plan wasn’t too complicated. The biotics team would board the station once they had located it. Taking out the external security was the priority to allow the second team to dock. It’s also securing a way back if things went south. Scott didn’t like it. They only had the three biotics on board, not counting Dex or Lexi. If things went horribly wrong, there was no way anyone else could mount a rescue. The first team had to succeed.

Dex was putting on his hard shell, hands shaking a little as he tried to clasp the buckles. Vetra took pity and helped him out. He was to be their backup but Dex knew in his hearts of hearts he wasn’t expected to do anything. 

The biotics team had tried their moves out in zero-G but nothing beats the real thing. Ryder glanced at Cora. She nodded. Ryder had almost opened her mouth to give a command but quickly reminded herself she was no longer in charge. Taking two steps back, she made a gesture with her arms and a little bow, Cora shook her head with a small smile on her face. She stepped to the centre of the cargo bay and cleared her throat. All eyes were on Cora. Ryder folded her hands and joined her brother on the side. 

“Guys,” Cora started, her voice strong and loud. “This mission is crazy dangerous but we all know what’s at stake.”

Ryder felt conflicted. Cora was clearly good at this. She knew Cora would be good at this. This was Cora’s rightful place after her father’s death. Her eyes glanced over at her father. He was watching Cora intently, evaluating and measuring. From her read of his stance, everything was on the up and up. Scott was watching Cora with pride and more than a little bit of worry. Ryder swallowed her sigh. It was good the Tempest was in good hands but the stone in her gut churned at being replaced so easily. 

_Fuck. Stop wallowing. You were never meant to be the Pathfinder. Pa would have picked Scott if push came to shove._

The old resentment flared again. 

_Yes, that’s what I need now. Anger, no sentimentally. Hard and cold like a rock, like the unfeeling bullet._

“We’re a good team. Ryder’s back. We can’t fail,” Cora finished. 

The entire crew were there by now, even those who weren’t going on the mission. Cheers rang out. More than one hand clapped on her shoulder, while others gave her a friendly smile. Ryder frowned, keeping her emotions in check. Her lips dared to tremble and she bit down on it. The crew, her crew never gave up on her. She did that all on her own. Scott pulled her close for a hug, she allowed herself a moment to relax.

_Maybe… maybe when this is over, I have somewhere to come back to. Maybe, not as the Pathfinder but that’s okay._

Her eyes found her father’s. He was glaring at her. Arms crossed over his chest, he shook his head. Ryder pushed herself from Scott’s embrace. The mask was back on. Her face hardened, her shoulders set. 

_Of course not. That’s childish. The door has closed. There’s no going back. I can’t think of after. Not now, not yet._

Scott shot her a questioning look. Ryder ignored it. 

“It’s time.”

* * *

The airlock was cycling through its’ protocol. A sharp hiss indicated all air had been cycled out. Cora turned to Peebee and her. Her hazelnut eyes clear in the transparent visor of her helmet. _I hope the visor is reinforced._ A sharp clear image of her father’s air starved face hovering over hers flashed in her mind’s eye. Her breath caught in her throat, she coughed to cover it up. Her eyes anxiously searched for her father. Even as she took in his disapproval of her lapse, Ryder felt relief when her eyes found him. 

“Ready,” Peebee confirmed. 

Cora was looking at her. _Right, right._

“Anytime.”

Her hands couldn’t help their almost jittery check of her seals again. Music playing softly in her ears. The beat rang out as a female voice sang.

  
_I am here, I am here_   
_I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear_   
_I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near_

Underneath her helmet, Ryder couldn’t help but mouthed along with the catchy tune. Bobbing her head a little to the music as the airlock slid open.

_I am here, I am here_   
_All of this wrong, but I'm still right here_   
_I don't have the answers, but the question is clear_

A vast expanse of black space rolled out like a carpet before them. In the distance, asteroids were floating aimlessly. Among the cold unfeeling rocks, a space station was nestled on them. SAM managed to pick up the station thanks to its slightly higher ambient temperature. 

The Tempest couldn’t risk getting too close so Kallo had turned off the engine and applied the counter thrust while they were 20 kilometres out. The ship was gliding by the precisely calculated momentum. Still, even if the Tempest was drifting, it had way too much heat. Once the Tempest got within range, the station’s sensors were bound to pick them up. That left the biotic leap-frogging the only way in quietly. 

Kallo’s calculations were impeccable. Thrust and counter-thrust were calibrated and applied at the right movement. The Tempest floated and stopped right outside of the station’s sensors. That left one whole kilometre of black space and cold rocks for the biotics team to navigate. 

“Like we practised,” Cora said. 

Ryder nodded. She was first in line, a long spool of omni rope linking her to Cora and in turn to Peebee who took up the rear. _Does Omni make every fucking thing? Omni™ this, Omni™ that._ An omni rope was essentially an energy beam, identical to the ones in the cuffs, that is as long or as short as required. They were all linked together with conduits at regular intervals to extend the effective range of the rope. Ryder tugged at the contact point between the rope and her suit, it was secure. 

The rest of them were probably watching them from the bridge. Ryder turned to the camera and gave a thumbs up. She wasn’t sure who she meant that for. Dex? Scott? Her eyes glanced at her father again. The lack of a helmet and air reinforced the fact he was a ghost. An echo of her own choked gasp jolted her. 

Biotics could manipulate the mass of both themselves and other objects up to a threshold. Ryder gathered her biotics and lightened her mass. She took a deep breath to steady herself before taking the first leap out of the airlock. Zero-G was fun and all but the vast open nothingness scared her. It reminded her the cold gasping hands of death. True death. 

Shifting her own mass at the right moment, Ryder sank like a rock underwater. Her boots crunched the loose rocks underneath it as she touched down on solid rock. She hunched to steady herself, her left hand swung her pickax. Its teeth bit down hard on the rock and stopped her momentum, anchoring her to the asteroid. Turning around, she saw Cora and Peebee following easily. _So far so good._

Once Peebee’s feet were on solid rock, they were off again. Ryder kicked off, rope spooling out from behind her. Cora kept a loose grip on the rope ready to pull her back in if anything went wrong. Peebee right behind Cora to anchor her. Ryder had to time it right. As the asteroid she was aiming got within range, Ryder flung a Pull at it and adjust her own mass in tandem. Obviously, an asteroid was too heavy for her to move but the Pull she threw would drag her towards the rock. Pull too hard, she would slam and go splat, no amount of changing your mass was going to change that. Pull too soon, it would be useless, out of range. Pull too late, she would miss her mark and end up floating out into space forever. 

_Steady._

The raven dark of space swirled around her. Her eyes fixed on her goal. One distracted glance to her surrounding could disorient her as the asteroids went on their lazy slow merry-go-round around the black hole at the centre of the Pfeiffer system. 

_Eye on the fucking prize, Ryder._

The asteroid seemed so close, felt too close. She was moving way too fast. 

_Steady._

With the map on her HUD to guide her, Ryder flung the Pull at precisely the right moment, she lightened her mass. Her body tensed in expectation of the sudden change in direction. Seconds felt like years. With a thump, Ryder’s boots made landfall, her pickax slammed into space rock, making sure she didn’t go floating in another direction. With a grin on her face, she turned back to the others. The omni rope long and loose between them. 

“Your turn, Cora.”

The going was slow. One kilometre on foot wasn’t that far but this rock hopping with leaps of faith in between took way too long. Sometimes they had to go the long way around for a safer route but the space station inched closer to them with each step they took.

At one particular long leap, Ryder knew her timing was off. She had Pulled too early. Her biotic went nowhere. Her boots had already left solid ground. In her panic, she tried to increase her mass to pull her back towards the rock but she got spun around. Ryder didn’t know which way was down. Every movement threw her off even more. Stars spun around her vision as she struggled to keep her cool. There was no way she was going to make it. _Fuck, Fuck! FUCK!_ Her feet couldn’t find solid ground, her hands flailed about wildly as she stretched to find purchase. There was none. _This is fucking it._

Then the omni rope was pulled taut, halting her inevitable evaporation into nothingness, reeling her back to safety. Her heart pumping fast not quite registering that it wasn’t doomed yet. 

“Ryder!” Cora called. 

Cora had been calling her name for a while but Ryder was too shaken to answer. When Peebee and Cora pulled her back to safety, Ryder sat up shakily, trying hard to keep the food she had eaten earlier in. “Are you all right?” Peebee asked, a hand on her hard shell. 

Ryder barely felt that through the layer of ceramic plates and armour. Ryder couldn’t find her voice, she held a hand up as she nodded. 

“Too close,” she croaked finally. 

“Yeah,” Cora agreed as she turned to Peebee. “Can you take the lead for a bit?”

“Sure,” Peebee said, still looking at Ryder with concern. “Hang back a bit, Ryder. Watch a pro work.”

The light tone was for her benefit, Ryder knew. She tried to response in kind but all she managed was a weak laugh. “Ok, I’m ok. Let’s go.”

_700 metres down, 300 metres more to go._

* * *

There weren’t any more mishaps. Peebee was leading with ease. Biotics came naturally to asaris. Ryder was more than a little envious. Her biotics were the result of training and practise. Nothing came easy but she did have the luxury of actually being trained from a young age. _Recognise your privilege, Ryder._

She grunted. Her father was keeping pace with them easily. Ryder hadn’t seen him go asteroid hoping like them. He was here one moment, there the next. Not leading this strange line of space rock hoppers meant more time with Cora, more time for Cora to study her. It wasn’t the first time Cora had caught her looking at her father. Ryder sighed in her helmet, fogging her visor up. She cursed silently. _No need to remind everyone how crazy you actually are, not everything is the Cetus chip. Your father is definitely all you._

The collar weighed heavy around her neck as she looked at the controller strapped to Cora’s hip. She swallowed, she could swear she felt the metal tightened, biting her skin. _Get a fucking grip._ They didn’t have the time to give the new collar another try before they left on the mission. Ryder had insisted it worked well enough, Cora acquiesced. 

Her eyes never left the controller. One button to take her out. Just a little push. Ryder knew it was needed but relinquishing control like this felt wrong. Her scar throbbed in sympathy. 

“One more rock,” Peebee announced. 

Ryder turned her attention to the station that was their destination. “Anyone knows how to hack a door?” Ryder asked. “Otherwise we’ll be alerting them the moment we blow a door open.”

“You two are hopeless. Bunch of biotic nerds, leave it to me,” Peebee groaned, waiting on the space station. 

Ryder could almost feel Peebee rolling her eyes through the comms.

“We’re not going through the main door, remember?” Cora reminded as she made landfall. 

Ryder was the last to take the leap. Her boot clanked a little when it made contact with the metal plates of the station. The mag-boots engaged immediately halting her forward motion. Cora looked at Peebee and her. They’ve made it. 

“Right, so where to?” Ryder asked. 

Cora pointed. Ryder’s eyes tracked her arm then her finger. _Right, the solar panels._

**Lyrics taken from[I Am Here by P!nk](https://open.spotify.com/track/32j279x3imcBWBu9OaHX2n)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ### Tumblr Pages
> 
> NEW ART—> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)


	44. Obsidian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder met Cora’s eyes then Peebee’s. Disbelief morphed to unsettled anxiety. “What the fuck?” Peebee whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here's some action. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter. I think it can be tightened up further but I don't want to work on it anymore. Let me know what you guys think about it. Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I really appreciate it.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

The solar energy panels were scattered around the asteroid but a short distance from the station was one small cluster. Ryder speculated the panels were exposed for a portion of the day when the sun’s angle strike the panels. It wasn’t a hidden base if the panels were exposed for everyone to see now, would it?

Based on SAM’s calculations, the sun was moving out of position. Ryder glanced at her HUD, a countdown had started. They had to get to the panels before they were disengaged and retracted back underground. That was their quiet way in. 

“Come on, we’ve got to hustle,” Cora called. 

They wasted no time to untether themselves from each other and they took off running. The asteroid’s weak microgravity meant they had to increase their mass to help anchor themselves to the rock. The three biotics just ran. 

_30s._

The countdown was flashing red. Ryder re-doubled her efforts. Her breaths came hot and fast.

_20s._

She gave a final push, her own grip on her mass slipped a little. Her Charge almost too much as she went hurtled past the panels. Her hand scrambling for a grip as she skidded across the panel. All she needed was one hand hold. Twisting, Ryder slammed the pick axe into the panel. Her forward momentum halted abruptly. With shaky hands, she pulled herself to safety, under the angled panels. 

_10s._

Ryder Pulled on Cora. The blonde biotic came racing towards Ryder at an incredible speed knocking her off her feet as she caught Cora. 

_5s._

“Come on! Come on!” Cora yelled through the comms. One Pulling on Peebee while the other ready to receive a hurtling asari. 

_0s_

The panels disengaged. They started their slow descent down into the facility. It was cutting it a little fine but they made it. Peebee sank clumsily down onto her butt as she tried to catch her breath. Cora was deactivating the omni rope and storing the conduits away. Ryder glanced around, getting her bearings. 

_How big is this place?_

SAM’s scans couldn’t quite determine the exact size of the place but all of them had expected a small base of operations. A single level at most. It was brazen to think Perseus could operate in such close proximity to the Nexus. It spoke of money and smarts. 

Ryder had expected the panels to reach the bottom quickly but the platform didn’t stop. It went on and on. Her eyes widened as the walls changed from rock to something infinitely more familiar. Something obsidian black, something streaked with blue. A chill settled in the pit of her gut. This wasn’t man-made. This was Remnant. 

Ryder met Cora’s eyes then Peebee’s. Disbelief morphed to unsettled anxiety. “What the fuck?” Peebee whispered. 

Ryder shook her head. _How does Perseus connect with the Remnant? Or is this just an opportunistic take over of existing facilities? But…_

“How?” Cora asked, continued Ryder’s unspoken question. 

“Did they gain access to the vault,” Peebee finished. 

“However they did it,” Ryder sighed. “It’s probably not going to be good.”

The platform jerked as it came to a stop. The door was decidedly not Remnant and there wasn’t a console in sight thankfully. It was an odd mixture of regular pre-fab walls and Remnant black as they made their way in. The pre-fab stuff looked tacked on. Like Perseus was repurposing space made for something else. Here and there, they found Remnant consoles and doors. Most of them were propped open. 

Ryder was relieved to see that. At least it didn’t look like they had constant access to a Pathfinder. A shudder ran through her body. “Did you manage to get in contact with Raeka?”

Cora shook her head. “But this doesn’t look recent.”

“Assuming things didn’t change that much since…” started Ryder as they made their way deeper into the base, “my time, you don’t account all your actions to T’vera right?”

Cora shook her head. “Shit,” Peebee cursed. 

Implication weighed heavily on their minds. On and on they walked, they encountered no Perseus, no Remnant. Ryder’s scar throbbed, her Mattock a reassuring weight in her hands. Cora took point, Ryder to her left, Peebee on her right. Nobody liked the silence. 

Ryder had no idea how far they had walked but there was a definite shift. The rooms they crossed looked more used. Cots, ration bar wrappers, clothes, ammo stacked, thrown or just plain left lying around. The tension across her shoulders was a constant ache. Her eyes roamed the barracks-like room they were in. There were cots enough for ten here. _How many operatives are here?_

Thus far, they had encountered no resistance. Not even a single operative to question or silence. It was unnerving. Ryder’s trigger finger twitched. Her father took his place at her flank. His eyes focused on the next door and the next and the next. The bad feeling in her gut grew stronger the further they walked. Eventually, Cora stopped. They were at a crossroads. 

“What now?” Peebee whispered. 

Ryder understood why Peebee whispered even though there wasn’t anyone around. This place just made one feel the need to tread softly. She had the same urge as well. Ryder looked around while Cora scanned their surroundings. Everything was registering Remnant. Her father didn’t stop. He turned to their left and continued on. “Let’s try the left,” Ryder suggested, keeping an eye on the back of her father. 

“Why?” Cora asked. 

“Call it a gut feeling.”

They crossed a couple more rooms then Ryder froze. “Did you hear that?” she asked, her grip tightened on her Mattock. 

“Hear what?” Peebee hissed, flicking the safety on her pistol on and off. 

A howl pierced the silence. The silence was irreparably broken. It came from behind the set of doors just ahead of them. A chill shot down her spine. Muffled screams and cries beckoned from beyond. 

The holo-lock was green. Ryder immediately got into cover, ready to fire upon whatever that’s coming. Cora and Peebee followed suit without prompting. All three weapons were trained on the door. 

They waited. The seconds ticked by. Echoes of terrified screams loud in their ears

Ryder’s eyes darted to meet her father’s. He nodded once before he turned his attention to the door. The holo-lock rotated and the door slid open. A scream of pure agony rang out. People ran in. Many trailing blood while others were dragging their unconscious comrades. _Are they Perseus operatives?_

Nobody was dressed in colour coded, easily identifiable uniforms. “Fall back!” one of them shrieked. 

Ryder hesitated. Firing her weapon on these people felt wrong. The small group of people fled behind them. Suddenly Ryder found herself the protector of the very people she came to subdue at best, kill at worse. This was definitely not a part of her plans today. 

What followed weren’t recognisable, not in the heat of battle, not to Ryder’s eyes. They were quick, their bodies obsidian black streaked with blue. Her Mattock was bucking in her hands before she realised what she was doing. 

“You can’t stop them, not with bullets!” one of them screamed as he pulled on her shoulder. 

Cora smashed a gauntlet into the human’s face. “Hands off!”

Ryder holstered her Mattock and pulled out her Disciple as she geared up for a Charge. Blue flames erupted around her as she dived head first into the incoming horde. The impact threw a bunch off their feet. Before any could recover, Ryder shoved her shotgun in their faces and pulled the trigger. Flesh met shotgun round with horrific results. 

Black flesh ruptured and bright blue fluids erupted like blood. These things didn’t die, not instantly, they howled. The cry of utter anguish and agony sent chills down Ryder’s spine. She couldn’t afford to stop. The next wave was already upon her. 

Her father popped up in her vision further down the next room. He yelled at her noiselessly. Ryder struggled against the rising tide of obsidian bodies. Her eyes dialled in on one struggling turian. She was dragging an asari behind her. 

_Fuck._

“Cover me!” Ryder screamed above the howls.

She Charged. Barreling through bodies, hitting hard enough she heard the cracking of bones. Cora’s battle cries and Peebee’s colourful cursing a reassuring sound at her back. Ryder aimed a Lance to pick off one that had their hands on the labouring turian. 

_Not fast enough!_

A pair of obsidian hands clamped down on the wounded asari. A flash of a mouth opened impossibly wide followed. The asari screamed as teeth rend flesh. Ryder fired shot after shot but she wasn’t near enough to make a difference. Blue blood bubbled from the gaping wound on the asari’s thigh. _She’s not going to make it._

“Leave her!” Ryder yelled as she flung a shockwave at the incoming swarm. 

The turian stared at the dying asari, hesitating. “She’s gone! You can’t help her!” Ryder yelled, wading deeper into the room. Her amp getting hotter with each attack she threw. The turian said something to the asari that was lost among the unnerving howls. “Get behind me!” she urged, Pushing the obsidian bodies down, clearing the way for the turian. 

The turian flinched but she wrenched herself from the asari’s death grip. Every step was heavy and fraught. Ryder stretched a hand out to the turian. With a smack, the turian tightened her grip on Ryder's arm. As soon as the turian was within reach, she shielded them as she Pushed against the swarm. It was like pushing against a mountain. The horde wouldn’t budge. The shield was barely holding them at bay. They just kept coming and coming. Her shotgun ran hot, too hot to touch even through her gauntlets. She had more enemies than ammo. 

Her father darted into her vision beckoning urgently, further into the room. _Gods, what else?_ A quick glance behind found Cora and Peebee holding their own against the obsidian tide. They stood just behind the threshold of the previous room. Ahead, her father was yelling wordlessly, gesturing at a console. _A fucking Remnant console._

Ryder could only assume it controlled the door the horde was pouring in from. The heat building at her amp was close to unbearable. Her stamina was flagging. Ryder didn’t think Cora and Peebee could hold out indefinitely either. The console was their own chance. There was no time to get Cora up here to interface.

_I’ve done it before. It should work again, right?_

Even Ryder knew it was a bad idea. She shuddered a little at the memory of what happened the last time she attempted this. Still, it was that or get overrun. With a cry, Ryder Pushed as hard as she could. The surrounding horde slammed into the walls with a sickening crunch. “Get to the others!” she yelled at the turian. 

Without another word, she ran towards the console. “Ryder!” Cora’s voice came through the comms channel. 

She had no time to reply or explain. Her body the lithe dancer, her feet weaved around the grabbing hands, those she couldn’t avoid faced her shotgun. Her hands reloading without looking. She Charged. A blue streak shot across the remaining space, joining her father at the console. Her hand outstretched. As she made contact, white-hot lightning ripped through her head, every arc seared her synapses and put stars behind her eyelids.

Ryder screamed.

* * *

Cora watched as the door slid shut cutting them off from Ryder. “How?” the question lingering in the air but there was no time to consider it. Her shotgun ran empty and she reloaded. Ryder’s scream echoed through the closed door. “We have to hurry!” she cried. 

“I know!” Peebee said, sending a Shockwave at the swarm. 

Cora grunted as she methodically took down all the Obsidians. As the room cleared, she realised they resembled familiar shapes. Human ones, turian ones, asari ones, krogan ones. Every single Milky Way species were represented. _Goddess, how did they get this way?_ They looked corrupted by the Remnant. _But isn’t exaltation something that the kett do, are the Remnant even capable of intelligent action?_

Cora shuddered, pushing the thought out of her head. She re-doubled her effort mowing down the remaining Obsidians. Cora winced as her amp flared molten hot. By then, every single Obsidian laid dead or in their last throes. She made her way immediately to the console on their side of the door. “No!” a voice cried. 

It was the turian that Ryder had sent through before she closed the door. “You can’t open it! Didn’t you see there are more on the other side? We have nowhere to run. If you open it, we are all going to die.”

Cora didn’t answer. There was no sound coming from the other side of the door. The silence was more worrying than Ryder’s scream. “No way in hell am I going to abandon my team!” she shouted as she turned to Peebee. “Watch them!”

Peebee grinned, showing her teeth. The asari levelled her heavy pistol at the cowering survivors. Cora didn’t hesitate as she slammed her palm down on the console. The door slid open immediately. Peebee spun around expecting renewed fighting. 

There was none. Instead, the floor was streaked with bright blue and black bits. All remaining Obsidians were dead, many crushed, more filled with shotgun holes. The bodies were cleared away in an obvious blast radius that originated from the console. The familiar black armour practically covered in bright blue slime and gore slumped against the console. “Ryder!” 

Cora’s ran over. Her omni tool out as she scanned Ryder. Her vitals looked within acceptable limits. Ryder groaned. Cora bit back a sigh of relief. _She’s conscious. That’s a good sign._ “Ryder!” she called again. 

Ryder just groaned again. Cora realised Ryder had her hands clenched, eyes squeezed shut, a thin trail of blood from her mouth as if she was biting the inside of her mouth to keep her pain in. Another quick check on her omni tool. No medi-gel was dispensed. That meant the onboard computer detected no injuries but the look on Ryder’s face indicated something wholly different. Cora tapped on her omni tool dispensing the medi-gel. Ryder stiffened as the needle slid into her epidermis and injecting sweet relief. For a while, nothing seemed to change. Minutes ticked passed before Ryder managed to open her eyes. 

She grunted as she stood up shakily. Cora had a lot of questions but that could come later. First, they had to find the Goddess damned control room to allow the second team to dock. After that, they had a whole bunch of mysteries to unravel. Peebee came over and pulled Ryder’s arm over her shoulder. She leaned into Peebee almost tipping both of them back onto the floor. Peebee shifted Ryder into a better position and they managed a slow unsteady walk. Cora looked at Ryder worriedly. The medi-gel did help but it wasn’t enough. 

Cora’s jaw twitched as she turned back to the survivors. Some of them inching warily into the room. “Who is in charge here?” she asked, shotgun pointed at the small group. 

Eyeing the survivors, she wondered if they were all truly Perseus operatives. They looked different from the ones they had encountered so far. “Who. Is. In. Charge?” Cora asked again, directing her question at the turian who spoke before. “Are you in charge?”

The others shuffled backwards leaving her standing alone. “I guess you are now,” Cora remarked, her shotgun still pointing unwaveringly at them. “Care you give me a name?”

The turian remained stubbornly silent. Ryder’s muffled hiss of pain the only sound in the silence. Cora’s patience was at its end. Her eyes bore into the turian’s. Her shotgun shifted a little to place the turian squarely in the centre of its blast radius. The turian flinched.

“Vasia Abercus,” she finally answered. 

“Abercus,” Cora continued smoothly. “Show us to the control room.”

Abercus started to turn to look at the others but Cora pumped her shotgun once. The sound echoed in the room. “Just you, the rest get back to the other room,” Cora said, raising her voice. 

Nobody moved for a moment. “Now!” 

The survivors scrambled to follow orders. Once the rest were out of the room, Cora smacked her hand down on the console. The door sealed shut. Turning her attention back to Abercus, Cora ordered, “Lead the way.”

* * *

The pain was familiar like an old comfortable t-shirt but wholly unwanted. At least the medi-gel helped deadened the pain a little. Enough that Ryder could stop wishing she could just curl up and die. “Hey, do you need another dose of medi-gel?” Peebee asked, her slender arms corded as they took on Ryder’s weight. 

Ryder grunted. She couldn’t find it in herself to actually open her mouth to speak. It took all her willpower to not turn into a ball of pain. Peebee didn’t ask again. Instead, she shifted Ryder to sit on a crate nearby. Like a gravity pulling on her neck, Ryder sagged and hunched over. Her hand pressed against her helmet, it didn’t help but she couldn’t help herself. There was a beep and Ryder felt a needle prick. Her breath caught in her throat as a cool numbness flooded her bloodstream. Her head no longer the roar of agony that demanded all her attention. The roar receded. But like the tides, what went out would come back, it promised it’s inevitable return. For now, it was enough. It had to be. 

“Come on,” Peebee urged as she pulled Ryder up again. 

“Thanks, Peebee,” Ryder whispered as she levered herself up. 

“No worries, Ryder. What are friends for?” she laughed. “We’ve got to catch up with Cora.”

They walked like conjoined twins. A three-legged race went wrong and they were struggling to finish. Abercus led them through maintenance ducts, a heroic effort to drag Ryder through. Through side passageways, no harder than regular ones. Thankfully, they didn’t run into any more Obsidians. 

“What are those creatures?” Cora asked. 

Abercus remained silent. Eventually, they got a wide atrium. Ryder bent behind cover while Peebee aimed her heavy pistol at the door. Cora motioned Abercus to stay behind her as she slapped her hand on the holo-lock. Howls echoed as Obsidians rushed out. Cora’s shotgun boomed while Peebee’s pistol barked. It wasn’t a swarm like before but it was no easy fight. Ryder didn’t trust herself to aim her Mattock properly so she resorted to her biotics instead. Concentrating on her shield her teammates as they pushed further into the control room. 

“Clear!” Cora finally called. 

Ryder let her biotics dissipated and sagged to the ground. Her fingers frantically tapping on her suit to dispense another shot of medi-gel. An angry red notification flashed on her HUD. There were none left. _Shit._

That confirmation was permission for the pain to re-exert itself. A scream started crawling up her throat, knocking on the inside of her teeth, begging for release. She tore her helmet off as she pressed her hand against her scar. Peebee hurriedly pulled medi-gel packs from her own suit to replace Ryder’s empty ones. A quick tap and pure relief flooded her body. Pain-hazed eyes met Peebee’s eyes as she mouthed her thanks. “Come on,” Peebee said as she got Ryder back on her feet. 

It wasn’t the control room that Ryder thought. It was a fucking lab. Black obsidian walls with medical tables lined the space. Equipment was strewn all over the floor. Blood splattered across the walls. Bodies in various stages of corruption. Peebee gasped. Anger burnt in Ryder’s chest. “What the fuck,” her voice rasped. 

Cora was radiating fury as she glared at Abercus. “You made the creatures?” she shouted. 

Abercus shrank back, talons held protectively against Cora. Ryder shook her head. Cora didn’t need to touch Abercus to end her. Her talons were irrelevant. “Fuck!” she shouted. “Where are the controls?”

Abercus pointed before retreating another couple of steps away from Cora. She jerked her head at Peebee. Ryder found herself a seat on the cleanest part of the floor. “I’ll watch her,” Ryder said as she drew her shotgun. 

There’s no need for aim if Abercus wasn’t standing near Cora or Peebee. “Come here,” Ryder ordered, her voice didn’t have the same bite as Cora’s. 

Abercus inched over to her cautiously. “Sit down.”

The turian looked at the floor with disgust, mandibles fluttering in distress. “Would you prefer to sit on one of those beds?” Ryder asked, indicating with her shotgun. 

Abercus sighed and sank down to the floor. “So, you work for Perseus?”

The turian’s mandibles flattened against her face, obviously not interested to talk. Ryder sighed. With the pain at bay, she could at least think. Abercus wasn’t a soldier, she was definitely not running security for Perseus. The problem with Perseus, they didn’t have an easily recognisable uniform or logos. They were faceless and thus far had no discernible goals other than the death of the Leadership through the Pathfinders. _But why? A coup? But there is no clear successor for anyone on the Leadership._

With the amount of equipment around, Ryder pegged Abercus as a researcher. The other survivors were likely researchers too. _But what the fuck were they doing?_ “You know you might as well talk,” Ryder said. “It’s either giving us intel or leaving you for them.”

There as no need to elaborate what Ryder was referring to. Abercus baulked. “You won’t!” she gasped. “Not when you just saved us.”

“Then why don’t you co-operate?” Ryder asked as she shifted her weight. 

The throbbing was coming back. _Can you really get used to sharp stabs that tears your brain in two?_ Ryder planned to find out, she was being forced to anyway. Her hand pressed harder against her head. Abercus didn’t miss it. Ryder didn’t trust the look in her eyes. Her hand tightened around her shotgun as she balanced it on her bent knees. “The Pathfinder isn’t an unreasonable woman,” Ryder coaxed as she jerked her head towards Cora. 

The motion jarred her head and her vision swam for a minute. Abercus shot up to her feet. “Lies! You lie! The Nexus had been overrun. There are no Pathfinders! The Initiative failed!” 

_What?_

Abercus surged forward towards Ryder, it was instinct that Ryder had her shield up. All Abercus’ talon managed to do was to score a line across her gauntlet. With a grunt of effort, Ryder Pushed Abercus. The turian slid across the floor and crashed in a heap against the blood, bodies and medical equipment. 

“Ryder!” a voice shouted. 

Her pain flared to life. Waves of fire lapping on the shores of her brain. In and out. In and out. Every crash of wave burning the sand, dragging them screaming back into the sea of flames. Ryder prayed for oblivion as it tore through her head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
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> This author replies to comments.


	45. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cora’s fingers brushed stray strands of hair away to take a closer look. “Do you think she minds if I look at it?” she asked. 
> 
> Lexi shook her head, coming around to Cora’s side of the bed. “She wouldn’t put it on her head if she minded, I think.”
> 
> “Good point.”
> 
> The ice pack lay forgotten on the bed for a moment. Condensation soaking into the sheets. Cora’s fingers skimmed lightly across Ryder’s cool skin.
> 
>  
> 
> _SAM. SR. JAD. CH. LT. ND. PB. VN._
> 
>  
> 
> Cora’s eyes narrowed. _Could it be? CH. That’s my initials._ Her eyes darted to the others suddenly recognising the seemingly random alphabets as initials. Their initials. 
> 
>  
> 
> _SAM. Scott Ryder. Jaal Ama Darav. Cora Harper. Lexi T’Perro. Nakmor Drack. Pelessaria B'Sayle, Vetra Nyx._
> 
>  
> 
> And there was still space for the others. “That’s us,” Cora whispered. “She’s been carrying us with her all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated to clarify the bit at the end.
> 
> I'm super curious to see what you all think about the information I've dumped in the previous and current chapter. Any thoughts? And thank you for all the kudos and comments! I appreciate all of you!
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

“What’s wrong with her?” Scott demanded as he carried a writhing Sara into the Tempest. 

She decided this pain wasn’t something she could ever get used to. It was just too much. Her knuckles white as she gripped Scott’s armour, another hand pressed against her head. Any reply from Cora was shot to hell when Sara moaned through clenched teeth. Scott hurried into the med-bay. “Lexi!” Scott shouted as he burst in. 

“Quick, put her on the bed!” Lexi said as she activated the scanner. 

“What happened!” Scott shouted, worry and fear making him take it out on Cora. 

If Cora was pissed she didn’t show it. Instead, she sighed. “She activated a console.”

Lexi spun around, eyes wide. “No, she doesn’t have the Pathfinder implant. How?”

“Does it matter?” Scott frowned, trying to keep Sara still for the scanner. 

Tears streamed down her face, her eyes were open but pain clouded them. His jaw tightened but he kept his hands firmly on her shoulders. Dex shouted, “Ryder! What happened?”

An irrational anger surged up his chest. He didn’t want to deal with this kid now. “Fuck off, Dex!”

Still, Dex wasn’t the type to accept orders meekly. He slipped in and rushed to Ryder’s side. His talons gripped her arms. “Ryder!” he called, his voice carried the whine of distress. 

“It hurts,” Ryder rasped through clenched teeth. “It fucking hurts!”

His mandibles flared as he turned to Cora. “Was she near the Remnant?”

“How did you know?” Cora asked. 

At the same time, Scott asked, “This happened before?”

Dex ignored both, opting to turn to Lexi. “She rode it out the last time while under heavy sedation.”

Lexi nodded and prepped an IV line. “Get her armour off.”

Human hands and turian talons made quick work of the buckles. Soon, Ryder was left in her sports bra, her suit pulled down to her waist. “Hold her arm.”

Two pairs of hands held down her arms as gently and firmly as they could. With Lexi’s expert handling, the intravenous cannula quickly slid into Sara’s arm. She injected a starter syringe full of drugs directly into Sara’s veins via the cannula before connecting the bag of sedative. As soon as the drugs kicked in, Sara started to calm down. Her eyes fluttering closed, her muscles relaxed but her features still carried the lingering visages of pain.

With a trembling hand, Scott brushed Sara’s hair out of her face. The vein on his neck stood out, throbbing in time to his broken heart. Cora sighed before turning away. As much as she wanted to stay by Sara’s side and be there for Scott, she had work to do. “Let me know if her condition changes,” Cora said as she left. 

Lexi nodded. The asari doctor was already busy activating the scanner again and questioning Dex. Scott just stood next to his twin, his hand hanging onto her limp one. He didn’t even register Cora’s exit. 

* * *

“SAM,” Cora called as she made her way back to the cargo bay. “Have you finish copying the data?”

“I need another 17 minutes 10 seconds.”

“Kallo, once SAM’s done. Undock from this Goddess damned place and take us back to the Nexus,” Cora ordered. 

“Understood, Cora.”

She looked at the 12 survivors from the hell hole. _What the hell am I supposed to do with them?_ Her eyes stopped on Abercus. Hazel eyes turned as hard as agate. “You!” Cora hissed. “Explain.”

Abercus was knocked out by Ryder’s Push but she quickly recovered. Cora couldn’t risk any more interference by the turian so it was a quick decision to cuff her. While Peebee deactivated the external defences, Cora administered medi-gel to Ryder. Each pack having less efficacy than the last. By the time, Scott got to them, Ryder was curled up in a ball, barely holding on. Cora had never seen anything like that. She checked over and over, Ryder had no external wounds. Nothing to indicate internal injuries either. She was helpless, all she could do was watch. 

“Are you really the Pathfinder?” Abercus asked, mandibles flapping. 

“Yes.”

“You mentioned the Nexus. Is it still up? It isn’t destroyed during the uprising?”

“No! Why do you think that?”

Abercus sagged to her knees. The other survivors started talking among themselves. The common knowledge about the state of affairs was received with an equal measure of confusion and disbelief. Cora frowned. _What did they think really happened?_

Cora felt the Tempest’s mass effect core humming through her hard suit. Kallo had undocked and started their journey back to the Nexus. _Five days down, five more to go._

She dragged her fingers through her hair wearily. “SAM,” she said. “Could you detail Vetra and Liam to question the survivors. Find out what they know.”

“Understood, Pathfinder.”

Cora turned on her heels. She needed a shower. After what she had seen on the space station, Cora never felt more disgusted by her people. If she could, Cora would scrub the images from her eyes. Instead, she dragged herself up to the crew quarters, pieces of her armour laid in a neat pile before she stepped into the showers. The warm water sluiced the grime of battle. Just when she thought she had a firm grasp of what happening, she opened her hands to discover it was all smoke and ashes. 

* * *

Hours later, Cora had a chance to run through what data SAM had decrypted. So far it was a list of smaller Perseus cells that were on various planets, useful but nothing actionable right away. These outposts weren’t worth the time or manpower to hit at this moment. Hitting the smaller ones would only give the game away. What was needed was another large Perseus base like the space station. Vetra and Liam’s findings were infinitely more disturbing. 

“They were all convinced that the Nexus was destroyed during the uprising. All of them were part of the first wave. When supplies got low, they were among the ones who were forced back into the cryo-pods. All of them woke up again on _that_ space station,” Vetra reported as she sat on the bench, her hands rubbing her face. 

Liam shook his head, taking a seat opposite Vetra at the meeting table. The lights were dim and the shadow cast a pall over Liam’s face. “They were all survivors of the uprising. When they were woken up a second time they were fed lies. They were told the uprising destroyed the Nexus, torn apart by the Leadership. No arks arrived, everything was lost,” Liam said.

“They were all researchers. All of them kept working on combining human, turian, asari even krogan physiology with the Remnant. They were all told that the Remnant would be the only way to take back the Nexus or find a golden world of their own,” Vetra continued. 

“How much of this do you think is true?” Cora asked.

Vetra sighed, glancing at Liam. “I don’t know. They seemed really shocked and confused. I had to show them pictures on my omni tool to convince them,” Liam said, popping his knuckles. “You can’t fake that.”

“So all of them unwilling tools by Perseus?”

Liam shrugged. “Feels that way to me.”

“So where did all the bodies come from? And how the fucking Goddess’ tits Perseus got their hands on their pods?”

“They were told they were people from pods that were affected by the transfer to the space station. Dead on arrival so to speak, all of them brain dead,” Vetra replied. “Kept on life support to forward science. It’s a horror show. Some of them just broke down when they realised they were engaging in some serious inhumane experiments.”

“I think Perseus must have inside people on Addison’s team maybe every branch of the Nexus Leadership. They couldn’t have done this by bribing some employee. This took planning and conviction,” Liam suggested as he tugged at his hair.

“What triggered the release of those creatures?” Cora asked, leaning forward her face twisted with disgust at the depths of depravity. “Who were their handlers? Someone must be in charge right?”

“All of them agreed that their handlers disappeared hours before we arrived. This space station was cut loose,” Liam said. “That just means one thing.”

Cora nodded. “We have a goddess damned leak.”

_This just keeps getting better and better._

* * *

Lexi looked at her sedated charge. All her scans couldn’t tell her how Ryder managed to activate any Remnant console without the Pathfinder implant. The pain that she experienced on a whole new level. Worse than her time interfacing with Remnant consoles while disconnected from SAM. Lexi sighed and massaged her head. She had managed to convince both Dex and Scott to get something to eat. There was no need to keep a vigil by Ryder’s side. Her vitals were stable. 

The door slid opened. It was Cora. “How’s she?” she asked as she approached Ryder’s sleeping form, an ice pack on the bare side of her head. 

“Well, sedated and running a fever. Dex estimated that she was sedated for the better part of 12 hours the last time this happened.”

“Fever?” Cora cocked her head. “An infection? Did she injure herself?”

Lexi shook her head. “No, but that’s what happened the last time too. Her fever is spiking at 40˚C. I fear she might have internal brain haemorrhaging but all scans revealed nothing. If I can get her to a proper medical centre, maybe…”

The doctor looked at her sedated patient worriedly while the Pathfinder sighed. An intense pain from doing the impossible was worrying at best, life-threatening at worse. Ryder probably needed a proper diagnostic scan at the Nexus Medical Centre. But as a fugitive, she won’t be stepping foot on the Nexus anytime soon. There was nothing Cora could do, not now anyway. 

“Did he tell you why she activated Remnant console the last time?” Cora asked in a bid to change the subject.

Lexi nodded. “He did. It was to rescue him from a sticky situation. The same thing happened.”

Cora sighed, massaging her temples again. “Here,” Lexi said, offering Cora some painkillers.

She shook her head reflexly. “No, I rather not.”

“Hold on to it. You don’t have to take it now. I know you are not going to sleep anytime soon. The least you can do is work without a headache.”

Cora nodded and dry swallowed the pills. As the meds kicked in, she sank down onto a chair next to Ryder’s bed. Lexi opened the freezer to retrieve a fresh ice pack. She handed it to Cora as she took the old pack to stick it back into the fridge. Cora hesitated. Her eyes were inevitably drawn to Ryder’s scar and tattoo. “Have you seen this?” she asked Lexi, pointing at the tattoo. 

The doctor’s eyes traced the line of alphabets along the side of Ryder’s head. “I have,” Lexi said, shaking her head in mild disapproval. “She must have it done after she left the Nexus. 

“Left,” Cora snorted. “That’s putting it mildly.”

“No telling how clean the premises are,” Lexi went on, examining the tattoo. “But seeing that it healed up as well as it did. I guess it was ok.”

Cora’s fingers brushed stray strands of hair away to take a closer look. “Do you think she minds if I look at it?” she asked. 

Lexi shook her head, coming around to Cora’s side of the bed. “She wouldn’t put it on her head if she minded, I think.”

“Good point.”

The ice pack lay forgotten on the bed for a moment. Condensation soaking into the sheets. Cora’s fingers skimmed lightly across Ryder’s cool skin.

_SAM. SR. JAD. CH. LT. ND. PB. VN._

Cora’s eyes narrowed. _Could it be? CH. That’s my initials._ Her eyes darted to the others suddenly recognising the seemingly random alphabets as initials. Their initials. 

_SAM. Scott Ryder. Jaal Ama Darav. Cora Harper. Lexi T’Perro. Nakmor Drack. Pelessaria B'Sayle, Vetra Nyx._

And there was still space for the others. “That’s us,” Cora whispered. “She’s been carrying us with her all this time. 

Lexi’s eyes widened, her usually steady hands shook a little as she folded them in a bid to keep them still. Cora held Ryder’s limp hand as she placed the ice pack back against her warm head.

“I don’t know how she does it again and again. Taking on so much that didn’t belong to her. It isn’t her responsibility but still, she goes into the fire time and time again.”

Lexi bowed her head wearily. “That’s who Sara Ryder is.”

* * *

“Kallo,” Cora greeted as she approached him from behind. 

The expanse of stars a normally calming sight just felt ominous and strange this morning. “Cora.”

With a hand on the back of Kallo’s chair, she bent down. “Could you take a more roundabout way back to the Nexus?”

Kallo cocked his head at her. The question evident in his eyes. “And could you not inform anyone on the Nexus of our ETA?” Cora continued. “We have a leak in the Nexus.”

Realisation dawning on Kallo’s eyes. He nodded slowly. “You got it, Cora.”

The next stop was the galley to heat up some food packs for Lexi, Scott and Dex. She wasn’t sure about Lexi but Scott and Dex had still ended up spending the night at the med-bay, watching over Ryder. With dextro and levo meals in hand, she walked in. Dex immediately perked up at the fragrance of food, eager hands receiving the steaming hot packet. Scott barely turned in her direction. Her heart clenched at the worry lines etched on his forehead. 

“Thanks, Cora,” Lexi said as she received her packet. 

“Scott,” she called, pushing the packet into his hands. “Eat. You need to keep your strength up.”

“I’m not hungry,” he protested even as his hand accepted the packet. 

“How is she?” Cora asked. 

“Lexi has taken her off the sedatives a while back. She should be waking soon,” he replied. “You know biotics metabolism and all that.”

Cora hummed and urged Scott to eat. They waited. It wasn’t long before Ryder stirred. First, it was a twitch in her fingers, the fluttering of eyes lids and the furrowing of brows. Then, the slow return of awareness turned violent. Her hands jerked up, her eyes wild. Conscious but not present. “No!” Ryder shouted. 

Her eyes flashed. Anger and fury coiled within her brown eyes. Her arms jerked again without regard of the IV stuck in her arm. “You’re not cutting me open again!” 

Dex watched. Helpless and horrified. He had never seen Ryder like this before. She was always the pillar of strength and will. This wasn’t what he knew. Dex keened a soft whine of distress. Cora fought to calm Ryder down. Her voice calling her name over and over again. It mattered not a single bit. Lexi prepared a syringe of sedatives just in case it was all that would work. Scott surged towards Ryder. His food packet forgotten. Arms wide as he moved to wrap them around his sister, heedless of her wild struggles. 

“Sara, you’re home, you’re safe. You’re on the Tempest.”

It took countless of repetitions. Scott weathered them all. Eventually, the familiar mantra stilled her struggles. She winced as if opening her eyes for the first time. Then Ryder sagged against her brother. Her mouth moved but her words soft and only for Scott. 

“I don’t belong here.” 

* * *

_I really stop doing this._

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut the moment Lexi came with a flashlight. “No,” she moaned, it no longer carried the note of fear. 

“Sara.” That was Scott, her hand warm in his. After he finally let go of her. Ryder wasn’t how she ended up with Scott hugging her. She caught a glimpse of his face. He looked a little shocked, a little sad. That part she knew was her fault. Turning a little into the pillow, she just didn’t want to deal with it now. 

“Ryder!” Talons gentle on her arm. Dex, then. _How much did he saw? Probably everything. There goes my dignity as his teacher._

Cora didn’t need to speak. A reassuring hand on her calf. “Give me a minute,” Ryder begged. 

_Black freaky creatures. Space station. Perseus. Right, right. Memories all intact. Not an episode._

Her fingers groped blindly for the collar. It was still there, heavy around her neck. Slowly, she opened her eyes. Blinking quickly to get used to the light. Lexi forgoing the flashlight for a moment in favour for her omni tool. It hummed as it moved up and down the length of her body. With one arm, she levered herself into a sitting posture. Ryder shivered a little, goosebumps trailing her body when she realised her blanket was all bunched up by her legs. “Here,” Cora pulling it up to her hands. 

Ryder pulled it over her shoulders. “What did I miss?” she asked innocently. 

Cora raised an eyebrow and stared at her. _Shit. She’s going to ask me, isn’t she?_

“I don’t know,” Ryder blurted. “I don’t know how I did it but it just… worked.”

Scott and Dex looked confused for a second. “She meant the Remnant consoles,” Cora explained. 

“Anything in your scans to indicate why? How? Or what is it doing to Sara?” Scott asked. 

Ryder glanced at her brother. He looked tired. Eyes bags, rumpled clothes and all. It wasn’t her intention to cause so much worry. She sighed. It seemed no matter what she did, inevitably she was dragging all her shit around. Her eyes flicked to the corner. Her father was leaning against the counter just behind Scott’s shoulder. His eyes only for Scott, always for Scott. Ryder looked away, too tired to feel hurt or angry from old pains. 

Lexi followed Ryder’s eyes for a bit but straightened to answer. “The scans showed nothing wrong with Ryder.”

“How can that be? She was in such…” Scott’s voice trailed off, unable to put into words what he saw as he carried his baby sister off that hellhole of a space station. 

“We need better diagnostic equipment to be absolutely sure.”

“Where?” Scott pressed. 

Ryder placed her hand on Scott’s arm. “Scott.”

He jerked his head to her, eyes blazing. Her hand tightened to give him a squeeze. His gaze softened. Ryder knew it was totally her fault for him being that way. She shouldn’t have said what she did. Somehow that panic attack had shaken her tongue and sense loose as well. 

Her hand relaxed but she kept it on his arm. The contact helped. It worked like it usually did when he got all worked up. Scott had been exactly the same when their mother first got sick. It got worse when Ma accepted her diagnosis and prognosis. Scott hadn’t. He wasn’t ready. All available literature were devoured. He sought out the doctors, talked to them via vid-comm every day. 

She was the same for a while. Then, Ryder felt a change. It was clear in her mother’s face, even via vid-comm. Ma was ready, she’s just waiting for the rest of them to catch up. Scott didn’t want to accept, didn’t want to let go. Ma fought to hang on for him and Pa. It hurt to watch. The slow decay of body and spirit. By the end, she was so tired. Scott fought when Ma told him. It was ugly to see her mother begging. She didn’t know how the conversation went between her parents. _It probably didn’t go well. As evidenced by Pa sneaking Ma’s body onto the Hyperion._

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut for a moment at the memory. _It seems the Ryder men have a hard time letting go._

“It’s nowhere I can go. Scott, it’s fine,” she said, giving him a smile. “I’ll just stay away from Remnant consoles from now on.”

It wasn’t funny, Ryder knew. Scott’s shoulders tight and tense when he realised why. The bad joke suddenly all that funnier in her head. Ryder laughed. Nobody else joined in. Her laughter died a premature death in her throat. Before anyone else could speak, SAM’s voice came through the intercom. 

“Cora, Ryders, I’ve decrypted a portion of the data we retrieved. I believe I found information crucial to our current mission.”

* * *

Ryder felt as weak as a day old puppy, shaky and tired. She just wanted to sleep though she had spent the better part of the past day unconscious. “Being unconscious isn’t the same as sleeping,” Lexi reminded as she left the med-bay. “I expect you to be back here right after the briefing. No biotics today.”

Ryder nodded. She didn’t plan on training anyway. The best she could muster was a weak-limb shuffle to the meeting room. Scott and Dex were hovering behind her shoulder at all times. _Was it this bad the last time?_ If she wasn’t feeling so out of sorts, she would have growled at her two nursemaids. Ryder sank into the chair and waited. 

Pretty soon, the rest of the ground crew gathered. An open channel via omni tool was open to the others to clue them in on the new information as well. Cora glanced at Ryder as if seeking permission to begin. Ryder frowned a little, raising an eyebrow in question. “I’m not the Pathfinder,” she reminded Cora. 

Cora stiffened slightly before nodding. “SAM?” she called turning her attention to the projection in the middle of the table. 

A scrolling wall of text appeared on the screen with selected sections highlighted and enlarged. Ryder scanned the words. Her brain processing what she was read. 

**“Here are the coordinates of the mineral deposits. I look forward to working closely with you in the future. Unsigned.”**

**“I hope the backdoor into the systems was useful. Unsigned.”**

Ryder looked at the dates. It started not long after the Archon’s defeat. A month or so at most. 

**“I was unable to get the back door to New Tuchunka’s systems. I need more time. Unsigned.”**

**“I have provided you so many resources. I expect you to do better. You should hold up your end of the bargain. Unsigned.”**

Ryder glanced at the others as dawning realisation crossed their faces. Disgust, horror and anger in equal measure. Someone had been providing Perseus with the means to attack the outposts. It wasn’t Perseus being skilled at hacking their systems, some-fucking-one had been inviting them in. 

**Here’s the coordinates for a rich deposit of eezo. It should serve your needs well. Unsigned.**

**Thank you. Here’s to a greater partnership in the future. I’ll be sending my best people down to Havarl. Unsigned.**

Ryder glanced at the time stamp. 

_Fuck me._

“It’s Tann. It’s fucking Tann,” she whispered, her hand ran over her face.

“I agree, Ryder,” SAM said. “I’ve traced the signal to an omni tool on the Nexus. Based on the coordinates, the likely suspect is Director Tann.” 

Her hand slammed down on the table. Everyone else jumped. It’s one thing to think it was Tann, another to have it confirmed by SAM. _Fucking Tann. Did he know what he was doing? Or was he merely another pawn in this whole flaming pile of shit?_

Scott rested his hand on her shoulder. His turn to steady the shifting ground beneath her feet.

“It’s been Perseus from the start. Their aim had been the Pathfinders all this time. And Tann had given Ryder to them,” Cora gasped, the evidence they needed to incriminate Tann found and it was so much worse than she had expected. “But why?” 

“There is more,” SAM said. 

“More?” Scott exclaimed, his grip tightened on Ryder’s shoulder. “What more can there be?”

“I’ve found more correspondence between this base and various other points of the Nexus. I speculate Perseus has more agents embedded on the ground at the Nexus,” SAM said. 

The silence was a roar in her ears. _How far does this reach? Is it just Tann?_ “Can we rule out Kesh and Kandros?” Ryder asked, almost afraid of the answer. 

SAM didn’t answer, not right away. 

Cora glanced at Ryder, anger mingling with weariness in her eyes. Ryder stretched a hand out to Cora. Their hands touched and linked. The physical touch was a comfort to them both. 

“Yes, we can rule out both of them,” SAM said finally. 

An audible sigh of relief rippled through the room. “So one of the embedded agents must have leaked our movements back to mother base,” Scott said. 

“Thank fuck we don’t have more than one traitor on the Leadership,” Liam said. 

“There is one other thing,” SAM said. “Perseus is planning to attack the Leadership again. If Director Tann keeps to his schedule, he is due to meet with the Moshae for de-escalation talks in four days.”

Ryder felt numb. Her brain buzzed but there was no thought. Her hands clenched and unclenched with the need to get Tann’s throat around her fingers. 

“Four days,” Cora breathed. 

“That’s one fucking day too late for us,” Ryder finished. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	46. Jaal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With one hand spooning food, the other angled at his eyes, he opened the message. The message had just a single line. 
> 
> “I thought you should know. - SAM”
> 
> Jaal blinked. SAM acted on his own. _Should he be able to do that?_ He shrugged mentally. It’s none of his business in any case. There was just a vid attached to it. The thumbnail was a little too small to make out any details. He tapped on it. 
> 
> Food was forgotten. The spoon held limply in between his fingers. He never blinked. His attention entirely transfixed on the vid. _By the ancestors, what am I watching?_ Blood, surgery, a pair of unseen faces, only voices and a very familiar looking setting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I really appreciate it. This is the long-awaited chapter. Let me know what you think about it!
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Their ship had diverted to the Nexus after receiving new orders from Evfra. _Another hit on the Leadership, ancestors!_ Jaal stared at the datapad in his hands. It was clear someone had it out for the Leadership. Why wasn’t anyone investigating this ancestors-cursed thing? A spark of static snapped when he tossed the datapad on the table. _Get yourself under control, Ama Darav!_

The trip to the Nexus was mostly unfruitful. Kandros had no information other than the Leadership had gone into lockdown. The Moshae had left Aya as part of the protocol. Evfra had made sure she had a squad of elite Resistance soldiers along as protection. He no longer trusted Nexus security. 

Jaal massaged his temples. Scant details were gleaned from the few news reports on the extranet. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe you have no security footage of the attack?” Jaal paced across the room. 

Kandros remained stoically still. “I am not saying that,” the head of Nexus security repeated. “You are just not authorised to see it. The Moshae or Evfra can view it personally.”

Jaal froze. His eyes staring daggers at Kandros. “That sounds more like Tann talking than you,” he declared flatly. 

Kandros looked away. _Ancestors take Tann!_

The Leadership were sitting ducks all congregated in a single floating tin can out in space. Though Jaal would admit he wouldn’t miss Tann if he got his head blown off. The thought brought a feral grin to his face. 

* * *

“Ama Darav, are you done with the Nexus?” the captain asked as soon as he boarded. 

Jaal cocked his head in question. “We have orders to return to Aya from Evfra,” the captain answered his unasked question. “I want to be out of here before the Tempest finish docking.”

Jaal blinked. He was waiting for the familiar dull ache in his chest. There was none. A small smile lifted his lips. It’s finally gone. 

The captain frowned at him. “What are you smiling about? Are you finally coming around to the idea that the Milky Way species just more trouble than they are worth?” the captain asked, his arms folded across his chest. 

The smile vanished instantly. “It’s better with to work with them than against them,” Jaal replied, a frown creasing his face. 

Jaal wasn’t expecting the captain to be one of those who couldn’t see the bigger picture. His eyes picked up all the little scars on the captain’s arms, mementoes from battles against the kett. Trust was hard to build, harder still to regain once lost. Jaal knew that well, too well.

Still, he was a realist. The angaras would be overwhelmed by the aliens whether they liked it or not. It’s fighting against a rising tide. There was no winning. He had seen first hand how the Milky Way species could band together and what they had accomplished with their unity. The angaras wouldn’t stand a chance under their combined might. 

“Fine, fine,” the captain said dismissively with a wave of his hand, turning back to his crew to make ready for departure. 

Jaal turned on his heel and returned to his bunk. His squadmates mostly lounging around, nodding a greeting in his direction as he entered. Jaal paid them no mind. His fingers cued up music again, going for one of his favourite songs. 

As the opening chords began, it dragged ghosts of memories through the back of his eyelids. Strings twanged and a voice sang. The music washed over his ears while the lyrics snaked into his soul.

_When the morning comes_

_You'll be so far gone_

Jaal could almost feel the cool chill of the Tempest air. The hum of its mass effect drive. The voice, her voice. Alternatingly gentle and soft, commanding and strong, torn and raw.

_Wish I would've got the chance to say_

_That if you never come back_

His mind shrank back. It wandered around the familiar hole in his soul, skirting the perimeter. Near but never touching.

_I just want you to know_

_I'm gonna love you either way_

Jaal knew he would never have the courage to bury it. Did he want to? He had no idea. 

* * *

Jaal stood up and headed to the mess. This crew was marginally more respectful than others. There weren’t any eyes on him or hushed conversations whenever he entered the room. Jaal could even list a few who spoke to him on a regular basis. Mali de Ivfa was one of them. She had been a familiar face, having been on missions with her several times since his return. “Join us?” de Ivfa called when she saw his tray of food. 

The others shifted to make space for him. Jaal slotted himself between his squad members. “What’s the word, Jaal?” she asked. 

Jaal glanced at her as he chewed. De Ivfa hadn’t been subtle in her advances. Her bio-electricity left him with no doubt when she casually brushed his hand as she reached over to take the bottle of soy sauce. That soy sauce was one of the latest human food experiments that was currently going on on board the ship. “De Ivfa,” Jaal started. 

“Call me, Mali,” she said. “We’ve worked together long enough for that.”

Jaal cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Mali,” he said, tasting the name in his mouth. 

His chest twinged a little at the name. The name skirted the edges of the hole. Jaal ploughed on. “We are still on mission. Please address me by my family name.”

Mali’s eyes darkened but the mischievous glint was still there. Jaal felt trapped. “So I can call you Jaal when we are off the ship?”

There was no good way around this. He opted to ignore the question, instead he filled the rest in on their new orders. All the time, keeping his eyes away from _Mali_ though he could feel her eyes on him. 

It was a cat and mouse game since. Jaal dodged and avoided when he could and distracted when he was cornered. The two days it took to travel between the Nexus and Aya never felt longer. Eventually, the docking procedures were completed. Stuffing his gear into a duffle bag, Jaal got ready to be off the ship. _Maybe I should have been more direct?_ There was no good way to let Mali down but a direct approach. _She would appreciate that, wouldn’t she?_

Adjusting the visor to seat it properly on his face, a chime came from his omni tool. It was a mail from Evfra summoning him to the headquarters for a debriefing. Jaal sighed. He wasn’t even in charge of the squad but it didn’t stop Evfra summoning him. His eyes darted to that unread mail from SAM. _I never did get around to opening it._

Duty came first. He could check it out later when he got back to his apartment. His boots clanked as he went his way to the ramp. Mali was there, waiting. “Want to go for drinks later?” she asked, a twinkle in her eye. “Jaal?”

Mali was an attractive angara. Her purple-pink colour rare among angaras. Her eyes large and so expressive. She’s straightforward and honest, not complicated, not closed off. If Jaal was honest, he would have taken Mali up on her offer if _she_ never came into his life. _She. Her._ His mind shied away from the hole again. This time he didn’t have to make up an excuse. “I’ve got to report to Evfra. Another time?” Jaal said, giving her a smile. 

Mali nodded. As Jaal walked down the ramp, she joined him, walking shoulder to shoulder. With a casual hand on his arm, Mali said, “You know where to find me, Jaal.”

With that Mali was gone, lost within the crowds at the docks. Jaal straightened. His arm burnt a little at the touch. _Not now but maybe eventually._ Hefting the duffle onto his shoulder, he made his way to Resistance headquarters. _Ancestors know how long this session is going to be._

* * *

Jaal’s stomach growled as he stepped out of Resistance HQ. As usual, Evfra had squeezed every single detail out of him. No matter how thorough his reports were it was just a little lacking. That’s nothing new. Evfra thought he was lacking since he officially joined the Resistance at 18. 

His booted feet thudded dully along the dim pathways, his feet taking him home. Turning the knob, he froze. The memory of a happier time flashed across his mind. Jaal remembered the knob, the oh so interesting doorknob. _Damn._

His arm pushed the door open more forcefully than was strictly needed as if he could push the memory out of his head. The air smelt musty. It’s been a while since he had returned to his apartment. Jaal sighed. 

His stomach reminded him its need. He carried the heat-to-eat pack to his kitchen to prepare. Within seconds, it was ready. The packet burning his fingertips as he pulled it gingerly out. Pouring the contents into a bowl, Jaal took tentative bites of the hot food. The aroma stirred the rumbling beast that was his stomach. His finger tapped on the omni tool. Initially, he had intended to cue up some music but Jaal remembered the unread message. “This is as good a time as any,” he said to nobody in particular. 

With one hand spooning food, the other angled at his eyes, he opened the message. The message had just a single line. 

“I thought you should know. - SAM”

Jaal blinked. SAM acted on his own. _Should he be able to do that?_ He shrugged mentally. It’s none of his business in any case. There was just a vid attached to it. The thumbnail was a little too small to make out any details. He tapped on it. 

Food was forgotten. The spoon held limply in between his fingers. He never blinked. His attention entirely transfixed on the vid. _By the ancestors, what am I watching?_ Blood, surgery, a pair of unseen faces, only voices and a very familiar looking setting. 

“Don’t worry, Anubis. Our boss made sure,” one of the voices said. 

The snap of latex gloves loud. Then hands appeared on screen to turn the body over. Jaal’s world crumbled. “Ryder,” the name escaped his lips like a dying breath. 

It hung in the air, losing form but never quite dissipating. The vid went on. 

“Make it look good Anubis,” he said. “Our plan hinges on your ability to make it look convincing. Enough to make it look real but not so much you damage her permanently or kill her.”

The vid stopped. Jaal blinked. Air rushed into his oxygen-starved lungs. He didn’t even realise he was holding his breath. _Why did SAM send this to me? Have they found Ryder? Is she hurt? What happened?_ His emotions were roiling. Jaal had been cast adrift all over again. With a shaky hand, he tapped his omni tool. The vid started playing again. 

By morning, his eyes were sandy. His heart numb. All horror of the vid gone. All the disgust at the overt attempt at manipulating him deadened. There was one thing he was sure. Jaal had been in that room before, that filthy place where Ryder lay naked, vulnerable and defenceless. It took him a while to place it. Jaal was sure, this was Havarl. Almost a year ago, on Havarl, where the whole fucking thing started. 

_What had been implanted in her? Was that the cause of her… the… attack?_

Jaal ran his hands over his face. The attempt to resist the gravity crushing of his soul was in vain. _Was I wrong all this time? Was she innocent?_ His throat tightened and his eyes burnt. Jaal was sure it was the lack of sleep that was causing it. 

His omni tool chimed. It was an urgent summon by Evfra. 

* * *

“Jaal!” Evfra called, looking up from the datapads scattered across his table. 

His eyes narrowed when he got a closer look at the younger angara. Dark purple eye bags, red rimming his normally clear blue eyes. Evfra gave him the look. Jaal ducked his head, avoiding his gaze. Pushing his admonishments aside, Evfra had bigger problems. 

“It’s good you’re here,” he continued without missing a beat. “I need you to get a squad and head out to meet the Tempest.”

Jaal stiffened. “Why?”

“The Pathfinder had sent word,” Evfra said. 

His eyes caught a flash of suppressed anxiety. Evfra blinked. _Did I imagine that?_ He studied Jaal a little. His rofjinn looked slightly rumpled like Jaal had been lying in it all night. “Evfra,” Jaal said, noticing the lapse. “What did the Pathfinder say?”

“She is coming to Aya,” Evfra replied, pulling his eyes to Jaal’s face. “I don’t want the Tempest docking here if possible. Not after the recent attempt on the Leadership. I want you to meet them and find out what they want. They claimed they have urgent need to meet with the Moshae. I don’t trust the new Pathfinder.”

Jaal’s lips flattened, clearly holding back his knee-jerk reaction to defend the Pathfinder. Evfra suddenly had second thoughts about his decision. Maybe Jaal wasn’t as ready as he thought. “Jaal, if you think you’re not ready,” Evfra started. 

Jaal’s brow furrowed, the younger angara studying him. Evfra straightened in his chair. The difference in height still forced him to look up at Jaal. That annoyed him. 

“I have command of the mission?” Jaal asked. 

Evfra nodded. Without another word, Jaal strode out, purpose in his shoulders, a deadly calm on his face. It was the eye of the storm that promised wild winds and ripping fury. 

* * *

The ship was underway. It was en-route to intercept the Tempest. Jaal had requisite a small frigate. He didn’t foresee a need for firepower. As the pilot had things under control, Jaal turned to his squad of five others. Mali was one of them. Her face was all business. 

“We are to intercept the Tempest. Find out why they require entry to Aya,” Jaal started. “We will deny or grant them leave to enter Aya’s space once we have verified their intentions.”

His squad started shifting. He saw a range of emotions on their faces. 

It went from worry to glee to apprehension. Only Mali’s face was settled in a professional mask. The others were new to him, mostly younger Resistance fighters. Jaal sighed softly. He didn’t have his pick of personnel, Jaal had to take whoever was available. 

“We are expected to rendezvous with them in ten hours,” Jaal went on, keeping his uneasiness to himself. “See to your gear.”

With that the squad left, leaving him alone with the pilot. _What could be so important that Cora needed a face to face meeting?_

* * *

Jaal glanced at his squad. All of them geared up. Weapons ready. The guys all looked twitchy. He didn’t have a good feeling about them. Walking onto the Tempest armed was sending a bad message to both to Cora and his men. The frigate felt too small for the pent-up tension.

Jaal cleared his throat and turned his attention to the assembled squad, he ordered, “Sidearms only.”

Mali took the cue and moved immediately to stow her rifle. Two joined her a heartbeat later while the remaining two baulked. 

“But, it’s the human Pathfinder,” one of them protested. “They might prove treacherous again.”

Jaal’s gaze hardened. “Follow your orders, or you will be relieved of your duties,” he barked. 

He cycled through the dossiers on his visor. Evad Dar and Yashe Qan, both were year old young blood, fresh out of training, heads probably filled with prevailing anti-human sentiments. Jaal bit back a sigh as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. His lips lifted in a snarl. They got the hint. Reluctantly, they stowed their rifles back into their lockers.

“Sir,” the pilot called. “The Tempest is hailing us.”

“Put me through.”

“Jaal,” a familiar voice called. 

It was Cora. “Pathfinder,” he greeted. 

There was a pause on the other end. A soft hissing in the connection from radiation interference. “We need to talk,” she continued. 

“That’s what we are doing now.”

“Face to face,” Cora insisted. “On the Tempest.”

Jaal considered, wishing he had dismissed the squad from the bridge. He had no wish for this conversation to be quite so public. 

“Why?”

“We have the bigger space,” Cora explained. 

It was a weak reason and Cora knew it, he knew it. Jaal didn’t answer. They eyed each other silently via vid. 

Then Cora’s composure crumbled. Worried and weariness warring across her pale skin. It wasn’t a diplomat speaking to a representative of another nation, it was a friend appealing to another. “Jaal, please.”

It was a plea. The Pathfinder was begging. _What could be going on? It’s like someone had died._ His heart clenched. His thoughts going wild. The familiar hole throbbed. 

“Fine,” he said. “I’m bringing my squad on board.”

For a split second, it looked as if Cora was about to object then the mask was back in place. A mask that Jaal was intimately familiar with on a different face. “See you later, Jaal.”

With that, the connection was terminated. Jaal left his pilot to coordinate with Kallo how to dock with the Tempest.

It didn’t take long. Within 30 minutes, the ships’ airlocks were connected. The squad were assembled just outside the airlock. Arms locked behind their straightened backs, chest out, as if ready for a parade check. Jaal stood two paces in front of them, his pistol a heavy weight by his hip. The airlock hissed and cycled through its protocol. 

Eventually, it hissed open. Beyond the threshold stood Cora, Scott and Vetra. All of them unarmored. Jaal started feeling overdressed for the occasion. Cora’s cool eyes took in the armour and sidearms but she didn’t comment. 

Jaal squared his shoulders and walked through the airlock. His squad right behind him. His eyes took in the bridge. Nothing has changed. More than nine months away, it’s all still same. “Jaal,” Cora greeted with a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

Jaal shook Cora’s offered hand, all the while he could feel Scott staring daggers at him. When he broke contact with Cora, he shifted his eyes to Scott. Their eyes met. Anger, anxiety and resignation. Nobody moved, nobody spoke. It was a standoff. 

Jaal could feel the subtle shifting of weight, loud in the silence. Five pairs of eyes burnt a hole in his back. He had no intention to have a fight on the Tempest because someone couldn’t keep their emotions in check. 

He cleared his throat and he smiled in a happiness he didn’t feel, “It’s good to see you too. Shall we get down to business?”

Cora nodded. Her heckles raising from the thick tension. She shot a look at the squad at his back. Her question clear. “De Ivfa, with me,” he said. “Rest of you, remember you are guests here.”

Vetra smiled as she turned to the others. “Come on, follow me. I’ll show you around.” 

With that, the others trailed Vetra out of the bridge. Jaal turned to Cora. “What’s the going on?” he demanded, his voice hard and curt. 

Scott took a step forward. Jaal didn’t miss how Scott’s hand slipped to his hip, his fingers grasping for a pistol that wasn’t there. Mali shifted to flank Jaal. Cora shot Scott a look. Her hand kept a tight grip on his shoulder. 

She walked towards Jaal, positioning herself between Scott and Jaal. Cora shook her head. “It’s easier to show you.”

Scott led the way. Maybe Cora didn’t trust Scott not to start a fight with him. Jaal didn’t know, he didn’t care. Mali walked by his side, a reassuring presence next to him. They were at the research terminals then Scott took a left and walked up towards the meeting room. 

Jaal could see a few familiar figures at the top. He could feel Mali carefully put a hand on her pistol. Somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling he was walking right into a trap. 

The slope of the floor revealed the people waiting at the meeting room with agonising slowness. He spotted Drack’s large armoured head, Lexi’s familiar blue-purple crests, followed by Peebee’s. There was a head with black hair, half shaved, unfamiliar yet it drew his eyes. Her back was faced him. The head gave way to a set of toned and hard-edged shoulders that wore a black leather jacket. Jacket gave way to a pair of black cargo pants finally ending at a pair of tall black combat boots. The pair of legs paced the floor, their movements sharp and jerky. Jaal brought his gaze up just as the unfamiliar yet magnetic presence turned to face him. 

Jaal froze. Mali didn’t. Her movement smooth and fluid. The pistol was in her hand before anyone realised. She fired. 

_The song also appeared in Chapter 14 - Putting Back the Pieces_

**Lyrics taken from[Rising Sun by Prince of Spain](https://open.spotify.com/album/0szb4cj5eleil6J5b78SdV)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
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> This author replies to comments.


	47. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooooooo much for all the comments for the last chapter. I truly wasn't expecting such a reaction at all. I figured it will be like any other chapter. You know? I'm sorry (not sorry) for making you feel feels. The angst train is well and truly picking up speed. And we are well on our way to some tying up of threads.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

The pistol’s roar was loud. “No!” Jaal’s shout strangely hollow but deafening. 

The world moved in slow motion as the bullet sliced the air. Her face flinched in surprise, then it hardened with fury. A quick flare of her biotics and multiple layers of shield shimmered to life. The bullet slammed into the shield and fell harmlessly to the ground with a clink.

Reality re-asserted itself. Scott spun around in surprise. Mali snarled. “Bloody Blade, you shall pay!”

Cora’s biotics flared as she prepared to take Mali down. Jaal positioned himself in front of Mali. Drack roared ready to charge while Peebee and Lexi stepped in front of her. 

_Her. It’s her!_

She pushed past her protectors and strode across the room. Quick steps that bridged the space between Mali and her. Scott had his arms on Mali as they wrestled for the pistol. Without hesitation, she pulled Scott off, leaving the pistol in Mali’s hands. Jaal had thought she wanted to stop the fight. No, that wasn’t it. Without preamble, her fist connected with Mali’s face. 

“Fuck!” her breath thick in her throat.

The bite of command brought everything to a halt. Nobody moved, not even Mali. All eyes were on her. Sara Ryder, Shield of Meridian, the Bloody Blade. 

* * *

Ryder eyed the new angara before her. Mali De Ivfa, that was what Jaal had introduced her as. _Right, I am the great betrayer. Enemy of all angaras everywhere._ She rubbed her scar before quickly stuffing her hands into her pockets to hide her shaking hands. It was too close. If she didn’t get the shield up in time, that would be it. Fucking it. _What a way to go after everything…_

She sighed as she pulled one hand out and grounded her palm into her eye. All eyes were on her. “Can we just sit down?” she asked almost plaintively, her head still sore from her contact with the Remnant console. “I can explain, well not everything but some.”

Jaal hadn’t taken his eyes off her. Ryder lifted her eyes to meet his beautiful clear blue ones. _What does he see? His darling one? No… That door is closed._ She blinked and looked away. As Ryder sank into a chair, Cora did the same but she kept her eye on Mali. “Are you just going to let that go, kid?” Drack asked. 

“What about?”

“She shot you!” Drack growled, giving Mali the krogan stare.  


“You mean she tried to,” Ryder said. “And I did actually punch her.”

She looked across the table and sat Mali looking at her. The bruise on her jaw was already darkening. A small nod of acknowledgement passed between them. Drack frowned at Ryder before turning his attention to Mali. She watched. On Mali’s part, she withstood a 1000-year-old krogan’s stare with much grace. If the angara didn’t just take a shot at her, Ryder would have applauded. She sighed and prayed that she didn’t have to intervene if Drack decided to take matters into his own hands. Cora took the seat beside her while Scott stood behind them. Pretty soon everyone found a seat or a place to lean against. 

“Why are we here?” Jaal demanded, his voice harsh. “What is the meaning of this?”

Cora sighed. “SAM?”

The holo-projector flickered to life. “Let’s start with the first vid we found.”

* * *

Jaal didn’t pay attention to the vid. It was the same one he spent an entire night watching. There was nothing there he didn’t already see. His eyes were only for Ryder. She was the same but different. Physically she was harder, sharper but Ryder still retained the magnetic pull that tugged at him. His eyes darted to the long scar on her head. His hands made fists. She pressed her hand against her scar again. _Does it pain her?_

The moment the thought popped into his head, he pushed it down. Now wasn’t the time for sentiments or emotions. If this was an attempt to manipulate him, Jaal wasn’t about to let it work. With a small grunt, Jaal wrenched his eyes back to the vid. A pair of hands were flipping the body around to reveal Ryder’s face. There was an audible gasp from Mali. Mercifully, Cora dismissed the vid from the screen. 

“Ryder had been implanted with the Cetus chip. That was months before the event on Meridian,” Cora said. “We found both Rix and Theris with the same chip. They were all not in control of their actions during their respective episodes.”

Lexi stood, taking over smoothly. Words washed over Jaal as she explained the effects of the chip. Blood drained from his face. “Do you have proof?” he asked interrupting Lexi’s explanation. 

In that instant, he hated how much he sounded like Tann. Nobody seemed offended at the question. Lexi nodded and called up the photos she had taken during Ryder’s exploratory surgery. His eyes widened. There was no doubt in his mind before, not truly, but he had to ask for proof. It was beyond the time to trust blindly. He wasn’t the one who needed it, it was Evfra and by extension the Moshae. His eyes inevitably found Ryder again. She had her head resting on her hand, fingers shielding her eyes from the images. _How hard is it for her to see this? Why is she putting herself through this?_

“So I assume the Cetus chip has been removed?” Mali asked. 

Lexi shook her head. 

“Unfortunately, if I want my head where it is, we can’t remove it yet,” Ryder said, lifting up her head, a wry smile on her lips. 

“Why?” Mali pressed with a frown on her brow. 

“It goes boom,” Ryder gesturing at her head.

Scott flinched. His hand tightened on the back of Ryder’s chair. It was then Jaal understood the stress Scott was under. Ryder’s blatant disregard for her own wellbeing was taking a toll on Scott. 

“So she had a chip in her head that can control her actions?” Mali asked, directing her question to Lexi. “When will it trigger?”

Ryder shrugged, a response that encompassed the worst case scenario. “We have a control measure to prevent the chip from activating. That’s the best we got now.”

Jaal’s eyes narrowed. “Control measure?”

“Yes,” Lexi replied, her expression grew pained. 

“Is that all?” Jaal asked, his exterior not cracking to betray his roiling emotions. “You wanted me here to see this? You could have transmitted the files over to us.”

Cora shook her head. “That’s not all. Perseus is going after the Leadership again,” she went on while SAM brought up the relevant information they had gathered. “This includes the Moshae.”

Jaal stood up and leaned towards the holo-projection. As he read, Jaal could see Ryder’s eyes on him through the projection. Her brown eyes jaded and stony. “Tann is set to meet with the Moshae in a few days,” Ryder said. “We need to stop the meeting.”

His cursory analysis of the intel confirmed her words. 

“I don’t need to tell you that the relation between the Nexus and the angaras is far from ideal,” she continued. 

“You escaping custody didn’t help,” Mali pointed out. 

Jaal huffed a sigh of exasperation as he shot her a look. It was true but it’s not helpful. “Your own distrust of the Leadership is clear. How do you expect us to trust you?” Mali pressed on. 

Ryder’s eyes shifted to meet Mali’s. Jaal could almost feel the crackle of electricity in the air. “My sins are my own. I never wanted to attack the Moshae. I hope you can accept that as the truth. I can’t make you trust me but you don’t have to. Feel free to analyse the intel we found,” she said. “But mark my words, Perseus is a bigger problem for all of us. We don’t know what their goal is but it is clear they will not stop targeting the Leadership till they succeed.” 

“The Moshae can step down from her position,” Mali countered. “Then it won’t be our problem.”

“Yes, she can but that’s for her to decide, isn’t it?” Ryder replied as evenly as she could, her words carried steel. “We are on a bit of a time crunch. We need to stop this meeting if possible. Is the Moshae contactable?”

Jaal stiffened. The Moshae had gone into lockdown like the others of the Leadership. He wasn’t privy to the location of the Moshae. Only Evfra would know. He shook his head and said as much. 

“Then, let’s get Evfra on the comms. He needs to be briefed,” Cora said. “SAM is still decrypting the rest of the information we’ve secured.”

Jaal knew Evfra wouldn’t allow such sensitive information to pass his lips over the comm, however secure it was. It would have to be a face to face meeting on Aya. His eyes flickered over to Ryder. Could he risk allowing the Tempest on Aya, especially with Ryder on board? That sounded like a recipe for disaster. _No, this can be handled by the Resistance. There is no need to involve the Pathfinder’s crew at all._

“Cora, thank you for the intel. We will take it from here,” Jaal said as he pushed off from the table. 

“What do you mean by that, Jaal?” Cora asked, her voice dangerous and low. “This is still a Nexus issue. This isn’t a courtesy call to inform the Angaras Nations of a potential threat. If the attack is successful it will ignite the powder keg we are sitting on. This involves all of us.”

Cora’s arm swept across the room and stopped at Ryder. Jaal felt pinned when Ryder’s eyes aimed at him. Maybe Mali knew what was going through his mind, his relationship with Ryder was no secret. “The Bloody Blade is not going to be involved in this mission if it concerns the Moshae,” she declared, stabbing her finger in Ryder’s direction. 

Ryder sighed. Then squared her shoulders like she knew this was going to happen. “De Ivfa,” Ryder started, standing up with deliberate slowness. 

Maybe she just didn’t want to startle a pair of already jumpy angara, maybe she had the weight of the cluster thrust onto her shoulders once more, Jaal couldn’t know. The weight of his own was an uneasy burden at the best of times. “This concerns me more than most. I got a fucking control chip in my head. I will take down Perseus with or without your help.”

“You can’t.” Jaal surprised at the words that came out of his mouth. 

Her steely gaze swung over to met his. Jaal could tell he had stepped wrong. She was beyond pissed now. “What do you mean?”

“Like you said, you have a control chip in your head. You can’t predict when you will have an episode. You can’t be part of the mission,” Jaal pointed out. 

“Remember Lexi say something about a measure to prevent that?” Ryder took a few steps away from the table towards a clear space. “See this collar around my neck?”

Jaal nodded mutely. “That’s the measure. It’s effective. We’ve tried it.”

“How do you know?” Mali countered. “I’m sure the Cetus chip doesn’t trigger on your say so.”

Ryder shook her arms as if to loosen the muscles as she turned to Cora. “It’s time for show and tell.”

“Are you sure?” Scott asked. “It’s so soon after-”

“Scott, I have to be there,” she cut him off. “I can’t just sit idly by and watch you all risk your lives on my behalf. This is partially my mess to clean up too. If only…”

Her voice trailed off. “No, I’m done with if onlys,” she muttered under her breath. 

Ryder turned back to them. Her eyes flicked between him and Mali, resolve clear in her stance. “Watch closely, I don’t want to do this again.”

She nodded to Cora once. Jaal didn’t see what Cora did because one moment Ryder had her eyes on the floor, waiting, the next she fell to her knees. A short sharp cry escaped her lips before she could clamp her lips resolutely shut. It didn’t stop her muffled groans. Her back arched, her hands clamped over the base of her head. Jaal recoiled. “Stop!” he shouted frantically. “Stop!”

Mali’s eyes were wide with horror. Whatever she had expected, Jaal was sure it wasn’t this, a writhing human on the floor. It felt like an eternity but it was mere seconds. Ryder’s groans cut off abruptly with a choke. She laid limp on the floor as she dragged in one breath after another, trying to pull herself back together. Lexi and Scott hurried over. Ryder laid on the floor, a limp bundle. Jaal approached her, worry and fear overwhelming his stoic professional exterior. Ryder sat up, one hand still at the base of her head, the other barely supporting her own weight. Her face twisted then she turned quickly to the side as she emptied her stomach onto the floor. 

* * *

Jaal was standing outside of the med-bay. Cora was frowning at him impatiently. “So what will it be, Jaal?” she asked, her hands on her hips. “I don’t have time. Perseus is on the move and we have to act sooner rather than later.”

He ran his hand over his face. Just an hour on board the Tempest, he was feeling more tensed and anxious he had ever felt. “I’ll send word to Aya and my ship.”

Cora sighed, the tension lifting from her shoulders. She nodded and turned away. Jaal was sure she had arrangements to make and information to relay. He had his duties to see to as well, his eyes darted to the med-bay. Ryder’s screams echoed in his head. “Ancestors,” he breathed heavily. 

Jaal retreated to the research terminals where he could keep an eye on the med-bay’s door. Mali was seated on a crate, temporarily using as a chair. Peebee was there, pouring more coffee into a mug Mali was holding. “Thank you,” Mali whispered, her voice marginally steadier than before. 

Jaal nodded his thanks as Peebee left. “Good to see you, big guy,” Peebee said. “Wished it was under better circumstances.”

“Me too, Peebee,” Jaal muttered. “Me too…”

He turned his attention to Mali. “Are you all right? You don’t look so good there just now.”

Her startlingly grey eyes met his. “I… The Bloody…” She stopped, taking another sip from her mug to get the words got unstuck. “She is really something, huh?”

Jaal nodded. His throat closing up on itself suddenly. “I can see why you loved her.”

 _Loved…_ The word gave him pause. _Was it loved? Or does he still love her?_ His hand rubbed along his neck in frustration. Mali took in his reaction. She snorted, looking at him knowingly. “So what are your orders? We don’t have much time.” 

Jaal schooled his face. “I’m sending Evfra a report. The Tempest’s QEC should be secure enough to transmit. Meanwhile, I need you to take the others back to our ship. We will be travelling back to Aya together. You have command of the ship.”

Mali nodded and stood. She gave him a quick salute before leaving. As soon as Mali left, he started composing his report on his omni tool. Jaal knew he had to get his thoughts straight before talking to Evfra. Just as he sent out the report to Evfra, the med-bay’s door slid open. A familiar figure walked out. 

His heart sank in disappointment when he realised it was Scott. Jaal walked over. He could see the human looked tired but tense. The line between his brow deep and near permanent. Jaal opened his mouth to speak but Scott just turned and walked away. He stood and watched Scott’s disappearing back for a moment before sighing. His hand hesitated before pressing it resolutely on the holo-lock. Jaal didn’t allow himself any second guesses and walked straight into the med-bay. 

His eyes went immediately to the sleeping form on one of the beds. It was his first chance to _really_ look at Ryder. Her clothes no longer the regular white uniform of the Initiative. It was black pants, black boots, with a faded t-shirt with ripped sleeves and her black leather jacket draped on a chair nearby. It was the complete opposite of the white he used to associate with her.

Her chest raised and fell evenly. Her brow still held knitted in an echo of the pain from earlier. Ryder’s muffled groans still rang in his head, 

* * *

Ryder was still recovering on the floor when Cora had explained the rough mechanics of Ryder’s collar. “Me, Lexi and Scott have the controls to trigger the collar.”

“But that’s…” Jaal said, unable to find the words to express his horror at Ryder’s groans and arched back.

“Necessary,” Ryder said, finishing his sentence. “It’s necessary.”

She turned her pain-glazed eyes to Cora. “Hold that down longer, why don’t you?” Sarcasm dripping from her words.

“Sorry, my finger slipped.”

Ryder snorted before wincing again. “Let’s get her to the med-bay,” Lexi said, ignoring Ryder’s feeble protests. 

* * *

He turned to Lexi who was observing him with a knowing look in her eyes. “How is she?”

Lexi sighed, long-suffering and resigned to be saddled with a patient that’s determined to push the edge of human endurance. “She’s as fine as she can be, given… well, everything.”

Jaal hummed empathetically, walking over to Ryder’s bed. His eyes locked on her chest as if to reassure himself she was still alive. “These demonstrations take a lot out of her. And to say it is unpleasant is an understatement.”

“She looked like she had prepared for this to happen.”

“Yeah, she anticipated that a demonstration was needed. Trust is hard to come by nowadays as you know,” Lexi said, levelling him with a look. 

Jaal didn’t answer. There was nothing he could say. Things went to shit. It was out of his control. He leaned against Ryder’s bed, his hand twitched a little. She was so close yet too far to touch. Her skin darker than the last time he saw her, tanned even. _9 months and 20 days…_

Taking a deep breath to steady himself but all he caught was her scent. No longer the citrus musk that he was used to but something metallic and sharp. He closed his eyes and he could feel the heat radiating her. It was so close to his skin. 

“You do know she’s the victim here right?” Lexi prodded. 

He nodded. “I know.”

His eyes darted to the scar on her head. He winced inwardly at it. It was the mark of what she wasn’t now. No longer Pathfinder, no longer where she so clearly belonged. An unnamed fury started to build in the pit of his gut. _How dare they? How dare they frame her?_

“I just wish…” his voice trailed off. 

Bio-electricity snapped as he covered his face with his hand. “I don’t know what I wish,” he sighed. “I don’t expect us to be what we were. I just wish she forgives me. I should have trusted her more.”

When Jaal opened his eyes, he found a pair of brown ones staring back at him. Instantly heat rushed up his face, he turned away. Jaal couldn’t bring himself to face her. Fear seized his heart. _How dare I wish for forgiveness? I don’t deserve that. She owes nobody nothing.``_

Jaal heard the rustle of the sheets as Ryder pushed herself up from the bed. The heat of her gaze burning a hole at the back of his head. Lexi popped her head up from her desk. “How are you feeling, Ryder?” she asked. 

“Fine,” Ryder replied. 

Jaal grunted as he shot Lexi a look. Lexi’s nose crinkled in a bit to hold back her laughter. “Tired,” Ryder continued as she slipped off the bed. 

He shifted to the side, turning towards her at the same time, giving her room to move. His hands ready to steady her if her legs proved unfit for standing. She shifted her eyes to him. It held him there for a second. Then she said, “Should you still be here? I had expected you to return to your ship.”

Jaal opened his mouth. He found only her name on his lips. “Sara…” He breathed her name, a whisper. _No… I shouldn’t presume. It’s not fair to anyone._

Then he cleared his throat and tried again. “Ryder.”

Jaal clenched his fist as he gathered the tatters of his courage and looked at Ryder. She had turned away from him by then. Her hand gripping the side of the bed to support herself as a shiver ran through her. 

“Lexi,” Ryder called as she finally looked up. “Can I go?”

The doctor sighed, eyeing Ryder critically. “Please take it easy, Ryder,” she said. “You know you need your strength. And eat something.”

Ryder nodded and started moving towards the door. The door slid open under her touch. She turned her head slightly as she stopped at the threshold. “Jaal,” she said, his name a sigh in her voice. “Hungry?”

He didn’t trust his voice instead he followed. Ryder’s pace was a slow deliberate walk, her back slightly hunched as she exited the med-bay. By the time she got to the galley, her back had straightened and her gait purposeful. Ryder swept into the galley and made a beeline to the counter. She opened the familiar cupboards and popped a heat-to-eat pack into the warmer. Jaal couldn’t quite keep his eyes away from her, even if she was doing something as mundane as rummaging through cupboards. Her movement strangely hypnotic. Without warning, his eyes stung. He blinked. The familiar hole in his chest ached stronger than it ever did before. _Why? She’s here. She’s alive and safe._

Ryder put the kettle on. “Want one?” she asked with her back turned to him. 

“Uh… Yes, please.”

Soon, the kettle beeped, the fragrance of tea leaves filled the galley. She retrieved her food and sank into the seat with a small huff of relief. “Sorry about your shoes just now. I thought I had missed them,” she said as she slid a cup and a packet over to him. 

Jaal shook his head as he accepted them. “It’s nothing.”

Ryder moved to take a sip of her tea when Jaal reached out to hold her cup down. Her eyes flashed with annoyance. “Three minutes,” he said by way of explanation. 

She didn’t say anything for a moment. Her gaze softened as a bark of genuine laughter erupted from her throat. Jaal allowed himself a little smile. The chains wrapped tight around his chest loosen a little at the sound he didn’t know he had missed so much. His eyes caught sight of her collar and Ryder noticed his hawk-like focus. It drove all joviality out of the room. 

She let go of her cup and leaned back against the chair. Her deft fingers tore the packet open and she started eating. Jaal dragged the nutrient packet towards him, his fingers playing with the packet. The silence awkward and strained. 

“Where have you been?” he blurted, his voice rumbling with anxiety. 

“Here and there, but mostly Kadara,” she said, keeping her eyes on her food. 

Her spoon hung loosely between her fingers. Her appetite seemed to have fled as she dropped the spoon into the remains of her pack. She pushed it away and sighed. “It’s been a long nine months.”

_And 20 days._

Jaal waited. She ran her hand through her hair. Her knuckles prominent as sun-baked skin stretched across bone. Ryder looked small, beaten down. It was worse than during their race to save the Hyperion. _How much did she hear just now?_

Jaal waited. His heart rate picked up as Ryder raised her head slowly. Her brown eyes were startlingly clear as they met his. He couldn’t read her look. It was a piece of blank paper. Jaal took a deep breath and readied himself. _Stupid, to think you were done grieving, to think you were ready to move on. You were never ready, will never be ready. Here she is and she pulls you back into her orbit with her mere presence._

Jaal’s jaw twitched as his visor registered a spike in Ryder’s heart rate. She took a deep breath as she broke eye contact. “I’m sorry, Jaal.” Her voice husky and low. “I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye. I’m sorry for the Moshae. I’m sorry for putting in the position you’re in.”

His eyes widened as his heart clenched. “Why?” he asked. “Why are you apologising. That’s not your-“ 

“I know,” she said, voice raising a little. “I know it’s not but I’ve seen those vids. I know what they looked like. I know what it felt like. It’s me and not me.”

The steel in her spine had turned into clay. Her elbows pressed against the table as she hunched over and buried her face in her hands. Ryder spoke more towards the table than at him as if fearing to find judgement and anger there. “Running didn’t help. It fucking didn’t help. Maybe I should never have run. Look at what happened,” her voice hitched. “I’m just sorry. I should be the one asking for forgiveness.”

“Ancestors, no!” His hands shot out to take hers. Jaal pulled her chin up and forced her to look at him, to see. “Sara, you did nothing wrong. Staying would just mean Perseus had won. It wouldn’t have mattered in the end. The other Pathfinders would still have been chipped. Tann wasn’t interested to find out about the truth because he was part of it! We’ll all be worse off.”

He didn’t miss the minute jerk of her face from his ungloved hands. Jaal cursed softly as he let go. His hands tingling where they had made contact. “I am the one who should be sorry. I ran. I ran from you. I didn’t trust my gut. I abandoned you, the crew, the Tempest, all of this. Us.”

Neither spoke. Their tea sitting in their cups going cold. Both in their own pit of heartache and lost time. If nothing had interrupted, Jaal was sure they would have been frozen in that space forever. Neither moving forward, both stuck in what was. 

“Ryder,” SAM called from the intercom. 

She took a deep breath and pulled herself back together, piece by piece. “Yes, SAM,” she replied, her voice steady and hard. 

“I’ve finished decrypting the rest of the data we’ve recovered. The rest are converging on the meeting room for a briefing.”

“Understood, SAM.”

The silence that hung in the galley was loud. She turned back to him. Her hand hesitated before her hand floated gently down to his. Her touch light and unsure. “We have a lot to talk about,” she said, her eyes searching his. “When this is over, we’ll talk?”

Jaal nodded. It was more than he could ever hope for. Both of them needed time to sort out the entire gulf between them. All that’s was left unspoken and half done. He didn’t want to have any regrets. Both of them had a job to do and a cluster to stop from burning down around them. 

Ryder stood and they left the galley, not side by side but at least together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	48. Repeat Performance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “SAM,” he called. “You mind speaking to me privately?”
> 
> “Sure,” SAM said. “If you would give me permission to access to your omni tool. I would speak to you directly there.”
> 
> “Yeah, fine,” Jaal snorted. “As if permission was something you ever needed.” 
> 
> “I infer you are referring to the mail I sent you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone! I was sooooo happy that last week's two chapters got so many comments! I was seriously not expecting it. Thank you so much for commenting. It really makes my day. This chapter is "pieces moving around" but the next will be action, action, action. And new art!
> 
> NEW ART -> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Ryder entered the meeting room just hours after she was carried out of it. The others were already settling into their favourite perch. Cora nodded at her as she entered. Scott’s face darkened when his gaze found Jaal. Ryder sighed and shot her brother a look, which he didn’t catch. _Gods…_

Scott cut Jaal off as Ryder approached, positioning his body to pull the chair out for her. She arched an eyebrow at him. “What the hell are you doing?”

Scott smirked. “Just being brotherly.”

She opened her mouth ready to put a stop to this childish behaviour when Cora cleared her throat meaningfully. Ryder gave up for the sake of expediency and sat down. Dex nudged her side. “Are you all right?” he asked, his mandibles fluttering slightly. “I heard what happened earlier.”

The corner of her mouth raised slightly in a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. No worse than fighting the Eiroch,” she reassured. 

Dex’s grinned at the memory. “Yeah, that was awesome but I don’t want to do that again.”

“Me too, me too.”

Ryder turned her attention to Cora who had already got the ball rolling. A vid was playing on the holo-screen. The setting unfamiliar but the scene playing out on the vid too recognisable. Ryder’s hands tightened over the armrests of her chair. 

“Please don’t tell me that’s Raeka,” she said. 

“Based on the Pathfinder’s public records, I am 92.4% sure that this is Pathfinder Raeka,” SAM replied. 

“Gods,” Ryder exhaled a shuddering breath. “She’s chipped as well.”

“They fucking got the full set,” Liam blurted. “Damned Perseus!”

The others broke out into a discussion amongst themselves. Ryder looked at Cora. She was squeezing the bridge of her nose. This wasn’t good. A Pathfinder with the Cetus chip in her head out there loose with a ship of her own. “Kandros and Kesh have to be warned,” Ryder said. 

Cora nodded. Her fingers already busy composing a message to the Nexus. “Is that all?” Ryder asked, a little disappointed. 

There was still so much they didn’t know about Perseus. What the hell were their intentions? The Cetus chip was merely a means to an end. Hitting the Leadership was just the next step. Did they want to stage a coup? Did they have people in place ready to swoop in? Did the Leadership even have a succession plan? That’s not even considering the shit show they found at the space station. Why were they even stealing researchers, lying to them? Was it to research the Remnant and conduct their sick experiments? What the fuck is Perseus truly after? 

She grunted as a headache bloomed behind her eyes. There were too many questions and all of them unanswerable. 

“No, that is not all,” SAM said almost smugly, his digital voice suddenly a shining beacon. “I have managed to uncover the location of another Perseus base but its location is heavily encrypted.”

“This is a big one?” Liam asked. “Not the smaller outposts we talked about previously?”

“Yes, Liam,” SAM replied. “This is one of the highest trafficked base if the amount of communication that’s transmitted to and from this location is an indication.”

“Perseus’ headquarters?” Peebee suggested. 

“Without additional information, I can only speculate,” SAM replied. 

Ryder nodded, leaning back in the chair. “With Vetra’s help, I should be able to pin down its exact location,” SAM went on.

Ryder turned to Cora. She nodded. “Vetra, please prioritise this.”

Vetra stood. “Count on me,” she said as she got to her feet. “I’ll get to work right away.”

Jaal stood up as well, he glanced at Cora. “If I may, I would like to help.”

“If you could, it would be a big help but more importantly we need you to convince Evfra. If we can’t find the Moshae, everything we do to hunt down Perseus operatives would be for nothing. The Moshae’s safety is the priority, along with the apprehension of Tann and the recovery of the rest of the Leadership.”

“I understand. We have about ten hours before we reach Aya. Meanwhile, I’ll be helping Vetra,” he said.

Ryder saw a flash of anger flickered past Jaal’s face as he spoke. “SAM if you have a moment, I would like to speak you to privately later.”

“Certainly Jaal, I’m sure you have questions,” SAM replied coolly. 

Ryder frowned. _What the fuck was that about?_

Cora turned to the others. “Everyone else, rest up. We will be hitting the ground running as soon as we secure the intel. I don’t think we would be sitting pretty for long.”

The others nodded and dispersed. Ryder turned to find Scott across the room talking to Drack. She felt a hand pressed to her shoulder. Ryder twisted her neck to see it was Cora. “I’ll talk to him,” she said, jerked her head towards Scott. 

“Thanks,” Ryder smiled. “If you can’t knock some sense into him, let me know.”

Cora snorted. “He will listen if he knows what’s good for him.”

“Too much information, Cora,” Ryder said, a grin easy on her face. “I don’t want to know _what’s_ good for him.”

Cora rolled her eyes and strode over to Scott. 

* * *

“I’ll be just a moment,” Jaal said. 

Vetra nodded and headed to her workstation to begin work. Jaal moved to the side near the research terminals. There was really no space for a private conversation. The tech lab was now occupied by the young turian, Dex, and the cargo bay was filled with captured Perseus operatives. He would make do with the relative quiet of the research terminals. 

“SAM,” he called. “You mind speaking to me privately?”

“Sure,” SAM said. “If you would give me permission to access to your omni tool. I would speak to you directly there.”

“Yeah, fine,” Jaal snorted. “As if permission was something you ever needed.” 

“I infer you are referring to the mail I sent you.”

“Yes. I do not appreciate being manipulated.”

“But I was right to assume that you’d preferred to be informed about it,” SAM said. “About Sara.”

Jaal’s jaw tightened. _When did SAM start calling her Sara?_ “Yes, you’re not wrong,” he admitted. “But that doesn’t make it right.”

“I did not intend to manipulate you,” SAM said. 

“Then why? Even if you had assumed correctly,” Jaal asked. “What was the point of sending me the vid?”

Silence. Jaal waited. 

“I was angry,” SAM said, his voice even and cold. 

It sent a chill down Jaal’s back. _Can an AI get angry?_ Jaal swallowed. It’s best to proceed carefully. 

“At me.” It’s a statement not a question. 

“Yes,” SAM confirmed. “At you.”

“Why?”

“You didn’t trust Sara. You believed that she was capable of the attack on Meridian. You left the crew.”

With each accusation, Jaal felt a shudder ran through his chest. What SAM said was all true. And it wasn’t only SAM that thought so, it was clear Scott and Drack felt the same way. He had seen the hard looks Drack had shot his way. Scott was radiating disapproval and anger constantly in his direction.

SAM’s words were made all the harder to hear when it was delivered flat and so plainly. This was what Jaal had expected from Scott. He hadn’t realised how close SAM was to Sara. They were more than just mere colleagues or teammates. Their bond went deeper than that. This was akin to family, _[Javegara](https://masseffectandromeda.gamepedia.com/Angaran_Word_of_the_Day:_Javegara)_ even. His heart ached. That was the feeling he had lost when he left the Tempest. 

Jaal had all the logical explanations and rationalisations he could throw back at SAM. He wished he could scream at SAM. It had been hard for him too. He had seen the same vids as everyone else, he was there. He had seen it with this own eyes. Why wouldn’t he come to the same conclusions? Why was it so hard to understand why he did what he did? He had to think about _his_ people too. Jaal didn’t speak.

But when everything was said and done this was about emotions. It was about trust, faith and commitment. His to Sara. He didn’t deserve her understanding but she gave it to him. Jaal’s arms shook at the strength he clenched them. His face grew hot and eyes stung. 

“SAM,” he said. “I know you are angry. I am not trying to rationalise my actions away but this is between me and Sara. I still don’t think it is right for you to have interfered.”

Jaal dragged in a ragged breath before he went on. “I am disappointed at myself, at my actions. But I had my duty. Just like Sara had hers. We had always put out duty before all else. Maybe that will change one day but that’s our decision. Will there be an us after all this, I don’t know. That’s Sara’s decision.”

SAM remained silent. “Do not. Do not take this choice from us with your interference,” Jaal rasped, tears welling up in his eyes as he desperately trying to blink them away. “That’s all I ask.”

The chains of his own stupidity were wrapped tight around his chest. It just wouldn’t go away. It never did, Jaal only thought it did. He snorted at his own naivety. Mali was just going to be a victim of his own unresolved feelings for Sara if he decided to pursue her. 

SAM still kept his silence. Jaal sighed and left to look for Vetra. _I still have a job to do. Ancestors, duty fucking calls._

* * *

“Kid,” Drack greeted. 

“Gramps,” came the easy reply. 

Drack came around to where she was sitting on the floor and sank down next to her. “How’s the…” he said as he gestured a lazy claw over the length of her body. ”Everything?”

Ryder rolled her head over to look at him. She laughed. “Fine, I guess.”

He just rumbled his disapproval at her. “You shouldn’t have let that angara woman get away for her attempt at your life.”

“What would you have me do? Start a war?”

“Krogan wars were started over less,” Drack pointed out, he had his palm open facing up on his lap. 

Ryder placed her hand on his. Rough and calloused human skin on tough krogan hide. Drack closed his clawed hand around hers gently. “It’s been different without you,” he muttered. 

“Cora doesn’t bring you to nice places?” Ryder asked, attempting to lighten the mood. 

Drack just growled his annoyance. “I missed your driving.”

Ryder blinked. The silence stretched. Then she laughed and laughed. “Drack,” Ryder said as she finally got her breath back. “Is that your way of saying you missed me? You missed my driving?”

Drack glowered at her. He wouldn’t take much more of her teasing. Withdrawing his hand from hers, Drack made to get off the floor. Ryder tightened her grip on his arm. “Hey, sorry,” she said, sobering up quickly. “I just… Yeah, Drack I’ve missed all of you. But it’s all different now.”

“Different isn’t always bad,” Drack pointed out as he settled back down. “Just remember you’ll always have a place with us. Your Gramps isn’t going to let Perseus or blasted Tann get their way. You can count on that.”

Ryder sighed and slid along the wall before finally resting her head against Drack’s arm. “I know,” she whispered. “You’ve got my back. You all do.”

* * *

Ryder rested her head against the crate, her eyes unfocused and soft. Cora had sent her report to the Nexus. Drack went to corral the captives to ready them for transfer to the angaras. The captives would be dropped off at Aya regardless what Evfra would or wouldn’t tell them. They didn’t have the time to make a trip back to the Nexus to drop them off. 

_Not my problem._

Her eyes caught sight of her father in her peripheral vision. Vaguely she wondered where had he gone. He was conspicuously missing since her little demonstration. _Maybe I’m so fucked up that I got rid of the ghost._ Ryder snorted softly at her own thought. _That would be the day, me catching a gods-damned break._

She pushed her earpiece deeper into her ear. Tapping her omni tool and turned the music up louder than was good for her but she didn’t care. Ryder wanted music to drown out her own thoughts. 

_It's in the stars_   
_It's been written in the scars on our hearts_

The beat thumped against her eardrum as the voice filled the recesses of the mind. Each line a desire she had. 

  
_We're not broken, just bent_   
_And we can learn to love again_

She buried it alive in the deep recesses of her mind. Ryder didn’t want to deal with it. Like all the other things in her life that had been truncated, she locked it all away. Hope was a dangerous thing, a doubled edged sword. To have it and have it taken away was worse than never having it at all. All she could do was to make sure _later, later, later_ didn’t turn to _never, never, never_.

The pieces were moving. The board was reaching its endgame but Ryder still couldn’t see who their opponent was. At least now there was a glimmer of hope to finally get ahead. _Prepare for the worst and hope for the best._

* * *

Jaal had gone ahead to smooth the way while the rest waited. Drack and Liam had the captives all cuffed and ready to go wherever Evfra was going to hold them. Hopefully, Evfra would make some concessions and allow Kandros to send an APEX team to pick up them. Otherwise, the Tempest had to play ferry once everything’s over. The captives were restless. Fear was evident on their faces. None of them had seen an angara before but more importantly, all of them to a person had an active hand in creating the Obsidians, unwittingly or no. They all had to answer for their actions. 

Ryder looked at her hands, callouses from time spent at a range and then a battlefield finally toughened them at Kadara. Her hands were no different from theirs. Her exile on Kadara merely delayed her own reckoning. 

Evfra’s words during her trial echoed in her head. Her eyes found her father’s. They were grim and hard. Ryder guessed she was mirroring his. Dex came over and leaned against the wall next to her. “So, I hear Aya’s nice.”

Ryder rolled her eyes and faced Dex. “Are you trying to make conversation?” 

“No,” Dex shook his head, his hands waving as if to sweep her accusation aside. “I am serious. Peebee said Aya’s the most beautiful place she has ever seen.”

“Yeah,” she said, bringing her arms up to pillow her head against the wall. “It’s pretty. I mean they all are in their own way.”

“And you’ve seen them all?” His awe and wonder clear in his wide eyes. 

Ryder grinned at him. “Aya’s nice because it’s pretty much preserved. Not everyone gets to live on Aya let alone set foot on the planet,” she said as she gave him a side look. “I don’t know if you will get to get off the Tempest to see if with your own eyes.”

Dex’s mandible sagged a little at that. Ryder sniggered. “We’re on official business after all. You’re not part of the Tempest crew and all.”

“No…” he moaned, as his hands clapped around his own face. “That would be too cruel.”

Dex frowned and turned to her. “You’re not part of the crew either,” he pointed out, his talon levelled at her chest. 

Cocking her head at him, she reminded. “But I am the star witness, so to speak.”

Ryder left Dex muttering under his breath as she made her way over to Cora. “Any word from Jaal?”

She shook her head. “The intel we found is more than enough to show that the threat is credible and very real.”

Ryder nodded, folding her arms across her chest. She didn’t like this waiting. Time was slipping through their fingers and everyone else rather spends their time checking and double-checking their work. Her good mood from earlier was rapidly evaporating. 

Scott came over and clapped a hand on her shoulder. “Hey,” he greeted. “I’m sorry I was shooting looks at your boyfriend.”

Ryder narrowed her eyes at her brother while Cora spun around and poked a finger at his chest. “That’s not what we agreed on,” she said, her hazelnut eyes a dangerous slit. “You promised to not be a child about this.”

Ryder snorted and rolled her eyes. “Fine,” Scott said as he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah? For what?” Cora prompted. 

“For being a child.”

Ryder let out a short bark of laughter. For a moment, she felt like her old self. Teasing Dex, laughing at her brother’s expense and shared camaraderie was so much like coming home. Ryder stiffened at that notion. Scott noticed, his hand tightened on her shoulder. An unasked question shining in his eyes. “Hey Scott, I understand. Really I do but we got a job to do. It’s hard enough already with the drama.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded. “I know. I really do but sometimes I just get so frustrated at…”

“I know, I know,” Ryder said, pulling her brother in for a hug. 

He needed it as much as she did. Her arms wrapped his chest just as he did around hers. Cora took two paces away to give them a little space. The rest of the crew studiously ignored the Ryder twins for a bit. As Ryder let go she said, “And whatever it is between me and Jaal, it’s definitely not boyfriend now. We’ll figure it out when this is all over.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Scott said with a small smile. “If he doesn’t your big brother is going to take a stick to him.”

“12 minutes doesn’t make you a big brother, Scott.”

Cora’s omni tool chimed. They were being summoned. 

* * *

A borrowed hoodie wasn’t much of a disguise. Ryder pulled the hood forward and tried to disappear inside it. _Beats wearing a full-face helmet and walking around on Aya. That wouldn’t be ominous at all._ The Resistance squad formed a box around her as they walked. They probably had instructions to shoot if she tried anything. Ryder prayed nobody had a twitchy trigger finger. _Like Mali._ Cora and Scott walked ahead of her while the rest were told to remain on board. 

Before the Resistance escort arrived, Ryder whispered to Cora. Some questions were asked and then permission was sought. _Good, at least I can make one person happy._ She glanced at Dex, his eyes darted about anxiously. She wasn’t worried one bit, the others would take care of him. Hopefully, he wouldn’t do something stupid. 

Her lowered head and hood had cut her vision down to a tiny slice of reality. Still, she knew they were marching through the markets. The usual chatter that she had associated with the markets were one by one hushed as they cut through the crowd like a hot knife through butter. As far as her limited view afforded her, there were only angaras around. No other species were present. Ryder sighed. It was one thing to hear about the political fallout and rippling consequences of her escape, it’s another to see it to starkly. 

She pressed her lips together and walked faster to keep up with the angaras’ longer stride. Ryder made sure to keep her hands loose by her side. It wasn’t long before they neared the Resistance headquarters. Instead of entering the headquarters like she expected, the squad led them down a side entrance. It went deeper underground. A chill ran down her spine as she fought to keep her hand from rubbing against her scar. 

The pristine white walls of Aya gave way to the rocky foundation of Aya. Wide and open stairways turned to narrow passageways and standard doors turned to barred ones. It wasn’t a prison. It was a holding area for interrogation. Ryder steeled herself for what’s probably coming. 

They stopped. Ryder pushed the hood off her head. There was no need for that here. No witnesses anyway. It was the end of the passageway and there was a secured door just ahead of them. Jaal was waiting. His eyes found hers almost anxiously but his face was a mask of professionalism. _He found his mask just as I did mine._ A stab of grief pierced her chest. Ryder hoped he would never harden the way Evfra did after years of dealing with the kett. _I will not be the reason he turns to stone._

Jaal unlocked the door and they walked in. Her escorts waited outside. There was no escape from this place anyway. Evfra awaited them. 

The chamber beyond was large. It accommodated the three of them from the Tempest, along with Jaal and five other armed guards easily. Her left hand twitched towards a pistol that wasn’t at her hip. The guards didn’t miss her movement, all of them to a person lifted their rifles at her.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Scott said as he positioned himself in front of her. 

Ryder stopped her wayward hand and shook the muscles loose. “Let’s not start shooting before we can talk,” Cora said. “You have the upper hand here after all.”

His men glanced at Evfra who in turn gave them a nod. They lowered their rifles but kept them ready. Scott let out an explosive sigh as he glanced her way. The tension in the room leeched out a little. Ryder wasn’t fooled by his antics. Neither was Evfra. Jaal walked over to Evfra’s side of the room. Everyone waited. 

Ryder rolled her shoulders carefully as she shuffled towards Cora and Scott. Evfra’s eyes hawk sharp on her every single move. She glanced at Cora. _Somebody’s got to make the first move and it shouldn’t be me._

Cora caught her look and took the hint. “Evfra, I trust Jaal had briefed you about the Perseus threat?”

The older angara didn’t answer for a moment, his eyes still glaring at Ryder. If it wasn't too offensive, Ryder would have rolled her eyes. Her father drifted over to Evfra’s back, his eyes equally hard. Having an additional pair of judgemental eyes was no big deal. She had a lot of practice with her biggest critic scrutinising her every decision and action. 

Evfra finally wrenched his eyes from Ryder and looked at Cora. “Yes I have but I must say we didn’t have the time to verify the source of your information,” he pointed out. “You gave us next to no time.”

“I understand you need time to verify the information but you know what is at stake. It’s more than the Moshae or even the Leadership’s safety,” Cora countered. 

The angaras straightened at the mention of the Moshae. All eyes on Cora. She took a breath before going on. The absolute attention of highly trained individuals was unnerving at best. Ryder was thankful that she wasn’t the object of their attention. It would make her downright twitchy, especially when unarmed. 

“Yes,” Evfra conceded, he started pacing. “It’s a little too convenient to have you arrive with the Bloody Blade along with the evidence of her innocence. We don’t even know the Cetus chip does what you say it does.”

He stopped just an arm’s length from Ryder. He towered over her shorter frame. His eyes flicked from her head to her toes and back again. Ryder alternated between wanting to slam his face into the ground and biotic punch him in the chest. Still, it didn’t make sense to do either, Ryder would prefer to keep her blood inside her body, thank you very much.

“You are asking me to take a lot on faith,” Evfra said, his eyes narrowing. “And it’s in short supply recently.”

“Isn’t the fact that we are sharing the intel a show of faith?” Cora pointed out exasperatedly. “We have to start _somewhere_.”

Cora lifted her chin at Evfra, her patience was also coming to an end. “And I’d rather this,” she gestured at the space between the Tempest crew and the angaras. “Not move from words to actions.”

Evfra looked at Cora then at Ryder before he sighed softly. “Agreed.”

“So,” Ryder said, all eyes swung around, each pair a lance pining her to the floor. “Can we just get on with it?”

Evfra’s jaw twitched. “Yes, we require reassurances.” 

“A demonstration you mean?” Ryder asked. 

“In a manner of speaking,” Evfra said. “We can’t just take everything on faith though I cannot deny that you have been a friend of the angaras before the betrayal.”

Ryder took a deep breath, her mouth opened ready with all her words. Then she stopped. Words wouldn’t be enough at this point. If words were all it took, Tann would have long talked everyone into submission. _Action speaks louder than words._ Ryder rolled her shoulders again, shaking her arms to loosen her muscles. Jaal was watching, his brow knitted in anxiety. “Evfra,” he started. 

The older angara lifted a hand up and the words died on Jaal’s lips. Scott gripped her arm. “Are you sure?” he asked heedless of Evfra’s frown at his interruption. “It’s so soon after the last one.”

Ryder sighed. “It’s not a matter of am I sure but what’s necessary, Scott,” she said, then Ryder turned to Cora. “Come on, the faster we get this done, the faster we can get going.”

She gestured at Evfra with her arms and he took a few steps away from her. With one more nod at Cora, Ryder’s world exploded again for the second time in as many days. _You’d think I’ll be used to it by now._

* * *

Cora remembered the look on all their faces. As a friend of Ryder’s, it was hard to watch. Even for Evfra and the other Resistance members, ostensibly people out for the blood of the Bloody Blade, all of them showed various levels of discomfort. They flinched when Ryder fell to the floor. Some winced in sympathy, others frowned and averted their eyes. Evfra watched, his own concession to pity was a tightening of his fists. Cora had only held down the button for a few seconds but it felt like hours for all of them. 

The room was silent except for Ryder’s ragged breaths. Scott’s arms wrapped around her shoulders protectively. “Happy?” she rasped from her position on the floor.

Evfra nodded curtly. “Where’s the Moshae?” Cora asked. 

“She’s gone ahead to meet with Tann,” Evfra said. “They are on Kadara.”

At the same time, SAM spoke in her head. “Pathfinder, we have located another Perseus base,” SAM said. “It’s at Remav.”

Cora ran a hand through her hair. “Goddess preserve us.”

**Lyrics taken from[Just give me a reason by P!nk](https://open.spotify.com/track/1mKXFLRA179hdOWQBwUk9e)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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> This author replies to comments.


	49. Showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raeka moved back towards the Leadership. “Harper is with Perseus. Protect the Leadership!” she shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok people, this is what you've been waiting for. It's the longest chapter yet, featuring Tann's downfall. It starts here. The truth behind Perseus' origins. I'm not sure if this is all that you hope for but I hope you're satisfied with it. We have quite a bit of story to go after this so hang in there. Tell me what you think about it in the comments.
> 
> NEW ART -> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

It was set. They would have to split up. There were two targets. Kadara and Remav, both equally vital. The first to safeguard the Moshae and the Leadership and apprehend Tann, the second to take the fight to Perseus and hopefully get more intel. 

It was past time they put a face to Perseus. With every base they hit, they were unravelling Perseus like a tapestry. All they need was one good thread to pull on. 

The teams were decided and not everyone was happy. Evfra wasn’t about to let them go after the Moshae without angara backup. That or he still didn’t trust them, because he was coming along. Cora and Evfra would have joint command of the team heading to Kadara while Jaal and Scott would command the team heading to Remav. “You are my second, you are the obvious choice here,” Core pointed out. 

Scott nodded though his frown deepened. The Tempest crew would be split between the two teams. Vetra, Liam and Peebee would join Scott while Drack, Cora and Ryder would remain on board the Tempest. Evfra brought along his own team of Resistance fighters and Jaal had his own as well. Dex, well Dex went where Ryder did.

Ryder stood at the docks watching Evfra, Jaal, Cora and Scott conferring. Probably working out the logistics or something, Ryder mused as she watched. She had contacted Wrench and got her to put feelers out for intel. With the size of Tann’s ego and arrogance, it was probably next to impossible for Tann to travel anywhere without the entire world knowing. 

Dex was the only one not busy. He was looking at the docks of Aya with slack-jawed wonder. She smiled. At least there was one person she could make happy. Ryder snorted and walked over to him. “Was it all you expected?” she asked. 

Dex grinned. “You haven’t seen anything yet,” she said. “It’s much better beyond the docks.”

It didn’t dampen his mood. “We can come back here after and I’ll get to visit the markets and eat all the angara food I want!” 

Ryder matched his grin but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

* * *

They were underway. The Tempest felt cramped. The angaras kept to themselves in the cargo bay. Even Evfra had eschewed the privacy of the empty tech lab when Cora offered to move Dex to the crew quarters. Ryder was more or less used to people watching her every move on Kadara but never with so much suspicion. The angaras always had a hand on their pistols whenever she was within sight of it. It made her hands twitch for her own which was never there. _Who the hell walks around armed during downtime?_ Her own hidey-hole was no longer private. One night sleeping among them was enough for her. Ryder didn’t want to find out what happened if she had a nightmare while sleeping among them. 

Lexi walked into Ryder dozing in the galley on the second night. She sighed as Ryder woke up to the sound of the door opening. “I’d offer you the med-bay but I think you had enough of the place,” Lexi said as she got herself a cup of water. 

Ryder laughed. “You got that right.”

It was the third day into their sprint towards Kadara. _Home and yet not quite._ Ryder cloistered herself in the meeting room if she wasn’t supervising Dex with his biotics training. The map of Kadara was always on her omni tool allowing her to pore over it. There were plenty of likely places that were viable for a meeting between dignitaries. Ditaeon would be the likeliest but it was too public for people who were technically still under lockdown. Then there were the countless of old Collective outposts just sitting there. She sighed and ran her hands over her face. Someone cleared their throat. Her left hand slapped her hip to find no pistol there while her right hand flared. “Ryder,” the voice called. 

Her eyes darted and found Evfra standing with his hands up at the opposite end of the table. With a steadying breath, she let the energy go. “Shit, sorry,” she said. 

Evfra didn’t move. He kept his eyes on her. Ryder sighed, “Maintaining this level of alertness, isn’t it tiring?”

Evfra blinked, taken aback by her light tone. He snorted and sat down without invitation. “It’s the difference between life and death on the field.”

“Touché,” Ryder said. “This isn’t the field.”

“Isn’t it?” His voice cold.

She studied him. Evfra, commander of the Resistance, he was no greenhorn to the burden of command and tough decisions. He’s been at it longer than her. 

“Tell me,” Ryder said as she pushed the stacks of datapads between them to aside. 

Evfra narrowed his eyes at her as she shifted several seats closer to him. “Would you have run?”

“You mean escape.”

“To-mah-to, to-meh-to,” Ryder countered.

The angara frowned. Clearly, this wasn’t translating well. Ryder waved her hand, “Sorry human idiom.”

“Yes, I’ve heard a lot about these idioms,” Evfra grimaced. “They are confusing.”

“Not recently I figure.”

“No,” he admitted. 

“So would you?” Ryder pressed, leaning forward. 

Evfra’s lips flattened as he thought about it. Ryder waited, her fingers tapping to mark the time. A soft sigh escaped Evfra after a while. 

“Yes,” he admitted. 

Ryder raised an eyebrow. She wasn’t expecting that. She was expecting him to walk away, brush her off or just plain ignore her. _Angaras are truly different._

“I would have fought to the end,” Evfra said, looking her evenly. 

“And I’m innocent.”

“That remains to be seen.”

“What more do you want?” Ryder asked exasperatedly, forcing her hands to remain loose and relaxed. “You have the vid, the intel. All of it.”

“Yes but these things can be fabricated given enough time and effort. You were missing for months. Now you appear with a story about the Moshae being in danger, you being innocent, as are the other Pathfinders. It is very convenient don’t you think so.”

Ryder glowered at Evfra. He didn’t even look the slightest discomforted by it. “You sound like Tann,” she said flatly. 

“Do not,” Evfra immediately surged to his feet. “Compare me with that incompetent fool.”

A bark of laughter erupted from Ryder. “On that, we agree, Evfra,” she said. “If I could open my head up for you to have a look around, I would.”

Neither of them spoke for a moment. The words hung in the air like a barrier between them. “What’s in it for you?” Evfra asked, sitting down on the chair again. 

“What? The good of the cluster isn’t good enough for you?” Ryder countered. 

“That’s not all there is to it. There is something more.”

Ryder looked away, unable to meet his eyes, afraid he would see past all her defences and walls. “I want that chip out of my head. I want to see Tann pay for his utter stupidity. I want to take down Perseus. I want a lot of things, Evfra,” she said, flicking her eyes to meet his. “Most of all, I just want some fucking control back.”

Evfra grunted. He didn’t push for something more concrete. Ryder didn’t have it for him. Control was something nebulous and intangible. What was it really? Other than to live the way you see fit, within reasonable limits of course. Not to be the most wanted person in the cluster, not to be saddled with the horrible title of the Bloody Blade, not to be synonymous with betrayal. She wanted to fit in her own skin again. Everything else could wait. They must.

“I guess talk is cheap. All I have is my actions to prove to you that I’ve never wanted to betray the trust you personally, you the angara people, have given me. After this mess is over, I hope whatever happens I’ve at least proved that much.”

Evfra nodded. “For all of us, I hope what your Pathfinder has told me is true,” he said as he leaned over the Kadara map opened on her omni tool. 

She pulled the map onto the holo-screen and went through her thoughts with Evfra. 

* * *

Jaal glanced at Scott. He was buckling his armour. They were making planetfall in 30 minutes. Everyone was checking and double-checking their gear. “Let me help you with that,” Jaal offered, his hands familiar with human armour. 

The buckles snapped easily into place. “Thanks,” Scott muttered. 

Their joint command for the mission was rocky but professional. The ice Scott had for him hadn’t thawed in the slightest but at least he had stopped glaring daggers into the back of his head at every chance he got. “Do you want to do it, or should I?” Jaal asked. 

“By all means,” Scott said with an “after you” gesture. 

Jaal nodded. He clapped his hands together once. The assembled teams gathered. Glancing at them, many of them familiar. All of them no stranger to a dangerous mission. “Right, the target is the outpost,” he pointed at the holo-map. 

Everyone shifted closer to take a look. The holo-map expanded to show the scan they had taken from orbit. It was fuzzy and lacking in details. “The scanner had picked up two main ingress points. We will be splitting up and hitting both points at the same time. Scott will take the Tempest team through the front, while we will cover the back.”

Jaal paused. Everyone nodded their understanding. “Our goal is to gather intel. Preserve all terminals. Take captives where possible but your life is worth more than the Perseus operatives.”

Jaal glanced at Scott, he raised a brow at him. Scott stepped forward. “Take special care, Perseus operatives are known to have poison embedded in their mouths, so if you manage to capture them make sure you get the poison capsule out,” he said. “You all know what is at stake. It’s more than taking down another Perseus outpost. This may be their headquarters. Resistance is sure to be tough. The harmony of the cluster hangs on this. You’re all professionals and you have your orders. There is only one order I’d give, come back alive.”

* * *

Wrench met them at her villa, dressed for battle. “This isn’t your fight,” Ryder hissed. “What the fuck do you think you are doing? I specifically kept you out of this.”

“I don’t need to know the why, the who, the how and the whatever else. All I know you needed help,” she replied, looking Ryder with her arms on her hip. 

“I needed intel, not you throwing yourself into this fight that’s not yours,” Ryder said, her brow furrowing. “You don’t even know what’s the fucking is happening.”

“Dex can fill me in,” she said as she shouldered her way into the Tempest. 

As she passed Ryder, Wrench clapped her hand on her shoulder. “Learn to accept help when it’s offered, Ryder. You don’t have to do everything on your own.”

Kiba trailed happily behind Wrench. Ryder stood at the ramp and watched everyone else fussed over the husky. The lump in her throat refused to go away no matter how much she swallowed. Ryder wouldn’t deny it, having Wrench along for the mission would help. It was at least another pair of eyes she could trust implicitly but it felt wrong to drag Wrench into this mess. 

Wrench had the intel they needed. Ryder watched as Wrench and Dex speaking with much gesticulation as the others took in the intel. Dex was probably filling Wrench in. Ryder was glad that she didn’t have to do it herself, she didn’t think she had the mental capacity to relieve it all over again, even for Wrench. 

Ryder turned to the business at hand. As expected, there was no such thing as a quiet entry for Tann. They had indeed docked at Ditaeon. Would the meeting be actually held there remained to be seen. There was no telling how many at Ditaeon were Perseus operatives in secret. If they could infiltrate the Nexus so thoroughly, what was an outpost?

They waited while Cora had a quick vid-comm with Mayor Tate. She managed to surreptitiously probe for Tann and the Moshae’s location. There was no telling who was chipped and who wasn’t. 15 minutes later, she had the location. The meeting was held at a re-purposed outpost at Spirits’ Ledge. After SAM had a chance to scan it to confirm heat signatures, they were quickly on their way over. 

The Tempest landed a distance away. It would do them no good to alert Perseus of their intentions. Squeezing in everyone into the Nomad was a nightmare even though Dex and Kiba were left behind with the non-combatants of the Tempest. Ryder was glad they had picked up a second Nomad while docked at Aya. At least Evfra had the foresight to count heads. 

Ryder glanced at her omni tool again. She had the map up, showing her the local topography of Spirits’ Ledge. Nestled among the deep valley of Spirits’ Ledge was an old outpost. Who it belonged to initially didn’t make a difference now. It had been repurposed for Tann and the Moshae. 

“We’ll take the rest of the way on foot,” Cora ordered over the comm channel. 

The armour still felt odd on her body. It shifted when she moved, it’s not snug like it used to be. There was no help for it. Her legs moved in time with the others. Their formation loose, no sense getting spotted by clustering together. Cora was ahead of her. Ryder kept her grip relaxed on her Mattock, her heartbeat calm and even. She was ready to see this through. Her music soared in her helmet. 

_Maybe believe_   
_Or maybe don't care_

_Shit, maybe there is no god in the big white clouds up there_

Sand crunched beneath her boots. Ryder turned, Wrench was at her six, sniper rifle at the ready. The salarian nodded at her. She returned the gesture.

  
_Maybe live long_   
_Or maybe die young_

Her father walked beside her. His gait long, purposeful and it ate the distance. He turned and met her eyes. Today she didn’t find judgement, it was purpose, approval and pride. Ryder took a breath and allowed herself to just be for a moment. Before the battle was joined, before she lay everything that was her on the line again. 

  
_Or maybe live every day like it's your last day under the sun._

The clear voice sang in her ears as she turned her attention back to the outpost.

* * *

“Scott,” Jaal called. 

“What is it?” Scott yelled over the comms, the bark of rifles filling the air. “A little busy here.”

“I need you over here,” Jaal insisted. “It’s about Sara.”

Jaal could hear Scott cursed under his breath. “Give me a minute.”

The channel went dead. He turned back to the terminal as far as he could tell, he was looking at medical case notes. It was the full vid of was recovered previously. It had complete annotations, notes and best of all schematics of Ryder’s version of the Cetus chip. With this, Lexi could begin figuring out how to remove the chip from Sara safely. Jaal tapped through the screens on the terminal. There were similar notes for all the Pathfinders here. 

Hope fluttered in Jaal’s chest. It was like the light at the end of the long dark tunnel, they were all stuck in. Jaal tapped on his omni tool to download the files. 

* * *

They had left Wrench and one of Evfra’s men a distance out to cover their exit. Nothing felt right as Cora glanced at Ryder. They made it without trouble to the outpost. There was no opposition, no ambush, no spotters. Nothing. The hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach got worse. 

Ryder’s completely opaque face plate had turned her into a faceless sentinel. Cora couldn’t tell if Ryder was even looking at her. Her eyes snagged on the scratched out insignia on Ryder’s armour. Cora shook her head, this wasn’t the time to get distracted. 

“Shall we?” Evfra rumbled behind her, interrupting her thoughts. 

Cora nodded and she overrode the lock with her Pathfinder authorisation codes. The doors slid open and they walked in. Seven fully armed and armoured people walked in. The outpost was a barebones structure. It was a single large space with a large table in the middle and scattered crates and furniture at a corner. On one side sat the Leadership. Captain Zaex and his squad lined the wall behind them. On the other side sat only the Moshae. Her team of Resistance fighters was likewise lining the wall behind her. Instantly, the guards had their weapons up and trained on each other. 

“What is the meaning of this?” the Moshae asked, her usual serene voice tight. 

Cora pulled her helmet off to reveal her face. “Moshae, we are here to secure your safety along with the Leadership,” she said, her hands held up loosely in a semi-surrender pose. 

She turned to Captain Zaex, “Have your men put their weapons down,” she ordered. 

Zaex looked uncertainly at her then at Tann but he gave no order. Cora’s jaw twitched. _Of course, take your cue from your patron._ She glanced at Evfra. He stepped forward and pulled his helmet off as well, “Moshae, please follow us, Perseus is targeting the meeting for an attack.”

The Moshae flicked her wizened eyes between Cora and Evfra, betraying nothing of her thoughts. She turned to Tann, “It seems we will have to do it another time.”

With that, the Moshae turned to her guards and stood. Tann glared at in her direction before smoothening his features to speak. His voice purposefully louder than necessary “This is awfully convenient for Pathfinder Harper to have located us.”

Cora’s still raised hands clenched into fists at what Tann was trying to imply. “You know how vital the talks are, Harper,” Tann pointed out. “Is the threat credible?” 

Addison and T’vera both looked at Cora, suspicion creeping into their eyes. Cora didn’t blame them. She would be paranoid too if she had been targetted by Pathfinders for what was the fifth time. Tann, on the other hand, was a whole other story. Cora tightened her grip on her temper. She didn’t want to debate this now. The priority was to get them all out and gone. Sneaking a glance at Ryder, she couldn’t begin to imagine the utter rage Ryder must be feeling. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly through her mouth, her lips parted to try and talk sense into them again. Her eyes caught a flicker of movement. Tann’s aide, Siegfried brought his arm up and tapped on his omni tool. Cora frowned. 

Then time seemed to speed up and crawled at the same time. Ryder stepped forward. Her weight shifted as she bent her knees, her grip on the Mattock tightened. _No!_ Cora’s mind flashed to Ryder’s interrogation of Vidal, the violence, the bloodlust. Blue enveloped Ryder. _She’s going to beat Tann into a pulp!_

Cora gasped as Ryder surged forward - towards the Moshae. She wasn’t expecting that. Evfra growled, “I should have known!”

 _Is she having an episode? Goddess!_ “Shoot the betrayer!” Evfra yelled. 

As rifles lifted to train on Ryder, Cora reached for the controller. Time stretched as the telltale buzzing of a tech attack being launched filled the air. Ryder knocked the Moshae down with her charge. An Incinerate shot across the room and slammed into the Moshae’s guards. All hell broke loose. “Cover the Moshae!”

A layered blue shield flashed to life over Ryder and the Moshae. The bullets thudded into the shield. It flickered and flashed but it held. “A little help here, Cora,” Ryder grunted with effort.

“Stop!” Cora yelled as she sent a Push out in a circle around her. 

It threw most of them down on their butts. “Stand down!” 

Nobody moved for a moment. The scent of burning flesh and armour filled the air as screaming soldiers writhed on the floor before becoming still. Deathly still. The Moshae’s guards were down. Those who weren’t immediately killed by the blast were badly burnt. Evfra’s squad rushed to render first aid. 

Ryder glanced at Cora before getting up from over the Moshae. She stretched a gauntlet down to the angara. The Moshae put her hand into Ryder’s and she pulled the Moshae to her feet. “Stick to Evfra,” Ryder said. 

The Moshae narrowed her eyes at Ryder but nodded. She quickly made her way over to Evfra. 

All Cora saw was a quick hand signal before Ryder Charged again. This time heading directly at Tann. No, not Tann. “Raeka!”

* * *

Ryder was the blue bolt of lightning barreling right into the group. Her target was clear and it didn’t matter who got caught in her wake. She saw Tann’s aide twisting away with fear as she crashed into them. Siegfried fell taking Tann and T’vera down with him. Ryder paid them no heed, her hands grappling for Raeka.

“Take Raeka down!” Cora shouted. “Unharmed!”

Drack’s battle roar rocked the hall but Ryder’s attention was wholly occupied by Raeka. She was confident in her hand to hand skills especially after regular sparring sessions with Drack previously. However, where Drack was all brute strength Raeka was quick, slippery and sharp. Every blow delivered with precision. 

Ryder grunted as another blow broke her balance. She didn’t know if Raeka was ex-STG or a Council spectre but her moves were vicious. She grunted as Raeka’s fists broke through her defences. Ryder hunched over to recover but Raeka never let up on her onslaught. She raised her arms to block another blow. 

It was a mess. Limbs and body tangled together. Neither could gain an upper hand. “Get clear!” Cora’s voice came through the comms.

Ryder twisted away but Raeka’s hand shot out jabbing her at the back of her knee. It was exactly at the joint of her hard shell. Ryder’s knee gave out. Raeka’s fingers flashed across her omni tool. Her ears filled with a buzzing as an Overload hit her, shattering her shields. Her knee flared with pain as she straightened. A shot rang out, Ryder barely had time to twist out of the way. Pain flared up her arm. 

A large mountain stepped between Raeka’s pistol and herself. A roar reverberated her body as Drack forced Raeka away with his shotgun. 

Raeka moved back towards the Leadership. “Harper is with Perseus. Protect the Leadership!” she shouted. 

She turned herself into the rallying point for Zaex’s men. Ryder hastily pulled a shield over herself and Drack as the rest dove behind cover. Ryder had her Mattock in her hand but there was nobody she could fire upon. Nobody here was an enemy, not really. 

Siegfried, pinned between Tann and T’vera, was frantically speaking into his omni tool. Ryder’s eyes widened with sudden realisation. What better position to be in than right next to Tann. Siegfried the faithful, trustworthy aide was always around, always present. Listening in on all the high-level meetings, privy to every fucking single thing that’s being done to combat Perseus. He had all the information passing through his fingers. Just a nudge here and a suggestion there, Perseus could insert their operatives in place like fish into water. 

_How much had been manipulated by him? Mis-fucking-information and manipulation._

Before Ryder could act, there was a loud clank and a rumble. Soldiers came pouring out from an underground level. _Of course, there was no ambush outside, they had their people in here the entire time!_

“Perseus!” she yelled. 

Evfra and his team were taken by surprise. The holo-lock turned red the moment they reached it. Perseus operatives had them and the Moshae pinned against their only exit. Ryder saw the exact moment Siegfried’s face turned from fear to satisfaction. Anger surged within her chest but she had bigger problems. The angaras were surrounded and out of cover.

Everyone else was rapidly forced behind cover under the Perseus’ hail of bullets. There was nobody to take the pressure off Evfra’s team. Raeka was temporarily forgotten as Ryder and Drack turned her weapons to cover them. It was her mistake. She shouldn’t have dismissed Siegfried. 

Siegfried pulled a pistol and aimed it at Tann, Addison and T’vera. “Stop!” he shouted. “Or I’ll shoot!”

Ryder ignored it, firing her Mattock into the backs of Perseus’ operatives. They fell but there were plenty more to fill the gaps. Then a cry of pain as a shot rang out. She turned back and found Tann on the ground clutching his thigh, green blood staining his clothes. “No!” Ryder growled. “He does not belong to you.”

Ryder aimed her Mattock at Siegfried. Drack shifted his shotgun between the operatives and Siegfried.

“The next one goes into his other leg,” Siegfried said, staring Ryder down through her opaque faceplate. 

“What are you doing, Siegfried?” Tann gasped through his pain, his large eyes impossibly wide. 

“Shut up, Tann,” the normally mild-mannered aide sneered. “Your usefulness is up. You have one last role to play here then your work is done.”

Zaex’s men had their weapons pointed alternately between Perseus operatives and them. Ryder risked a glance at Evfra. He was bleeding from his head and his men weren’t faring any better. His team was down to just him and one other. Both of them shielding the Moshae with their bodies. Cora was hidden behind cover, her breath loud via the comms. Drack’s armour was reassuringly pressed against her back, covering her six.

By then, the medi-gel had kicked in. Ryder’s arm was nice and wonderfully numb. She spared Tann a glance, Addison and T’vera were at his side trying to keep him from bleeding out. He cried as Addison pressed hard on his wound. Ryder snorted and rolled her eyes though nobody was able to see it. She was more than ready to end this stalemate.

“What are you talking about?” Tann asked, his voice shrill due to the pain and confusion. 

“Get the Moshae over here,” Siegfried ordered, ignoring his ex-boss. 

One of the operatives strode forward ignoring the rifles pointed in their direction. Evfra lifted his rifle ready to fire. Ryder tensed her body, ready to move at a moment’s notice. 

“Don’t,” Cora’s voice came over the comms.

Evfra’s hands jerked and fell. He must have been linked to their comms too. “If you do this, the Moshae dies either way,” she went on. “Let’s wait for an opening.”

The Resistance fighter visibly sagged. This went against everything he knew. Evfra took two steps to the side while his solo remaining soldier baulked. “Step down,” he growled. 

The Perseus operative didn’t wait for an invitation. Rough hands dragged the Moshae from between the angaras. She walked with her head held high as she was marched over to Tann and the others. Addison conferring with T’vera even as she applied pressure on Tann’s thigh. Ryder had to admit Tann wasn’t looking too good and to let him die like this would have been way too easy. Her hand went to her hard shell’s medi-gel slot. “Ahh!” Siegfried said, at her movement. 

“Medi-gel for him,” Ryder said by way of explanation. “You can’t possibly want him to just bleed out.”

He nodded but Raeka kept her weapon trained on her. Ryder’s jaw tightened but she kept her movements slow and deliberate. T’vera nodded her thanks as she tossed the pack of medi-gel over. 

“Siegfried, explain yourself!” Tann shrieked, his attempt to bluster falling flat when his voice carried the edge of fear. 

“It’s simple, Tann,” Ryder said evenly. “If only you would just fucking think. They have the entire set. All the Pathfinders have fallen. It’s Raeka’s job to finish all of us. Taking out the Resistance commander must be the cherry on top.”

Siegfried cocked his head at her. He frowned then a grin split his face. “Yes, astute. It’s was so easy really to get the Pathfinders one by one. Tann had been very helpful.”

_Betrayal from within by fucking greed._

Ryder prayed Cora was making full use of this time to come up with something, anything. Tann won’t last long without medical attention. As much as Ryder wanted to strangle Tann with her own two hands, seeing him bleeding on the floor brought her no joy. Addison demanded an explanation even as she applied the medi-gel to his wound. He bucked as medi-gel hit his wound effectively sealing it. Tann hissed, “We’re all going to die and you ask me that?” 

T’vera’s eyes narrowed but she was still as unreadable as before. Addison, on the other hand, was incensed. “You asshole! Tann, what the hell have you done? The Pathfinders’ attacks had something to do with them?” she hissed, jerking a hand over to Siegfried. 

The Leadership was tearing themselves apart in front of her. All the while, Perseus operatives were divesting them of their weapons. A tug of war started between Evfra’s remaining soldier and an operative. “No!” Evfra roared as a shot rang out. 

The soldier slumped to the ground dead. “Why are you still fighting? It’s over,” Siegfried said. “We will prove to the cluster once and for all the AI implants are an abomination and they deserved to be ripped from the Pathfinders.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. That rhetoric sounded exceedingly familiar. Evfra, Cora and Drack were herded to one side of the hall while Zaex and his two remaining soldiers stood next to the Leadership and Moshae. Ryder was the only one left standing in the middle of no man’s land between the two groups. The Perseus operative wrenched her rifle from her unwilling hands. 

“To think you wanted to implant them into the rest of the Leadership,” he went on, his eyes boring right into Tann’s skull. “We had to step up the timeline after that. Keeping the Leadership too busy with everything else to even continue that dangerous line of thinking. And you provided us with the perfect opening.”

Ryder glanced at Cora. Her fingers moved in a familiar gesture. It was a hand signal they developed a lifetime ago. It said only one thing. 

_Delay._

SAM must have been informed. Ryder held no high hopes for a rescue. There was nobody left on board the Tempest capable to do it. Maybe Wrench and Evfra’s soldier who was stationed outside. They must have guessed something was wrong. Ryder did a quick count of the operatives in front of her. There were too many for Wrench and the angara solder. Their only hope was Scott and Jaal’s teams but they were three days away. Ryder knew they had to get themselves out of this. 

Siegfried spun and laid his eyes on T’vera. The asari frowned, probably racking her memories. “Don’t remember?”

He laughed. “You recalled Rix back to the Nexus for a little briefing about life with the SAM implant,” he reminded, as he waved his pistol, gesturing. “And we have implanted the Cetus chip into his head just a few weeks ago. The timing was just excellent.”

“Cetus chip?” T’vera echoed, her eyes widening. “All the Pathfinders? That means Ryder too?”

“Of course, Ryder had been chipped. She was our first and she performed so well for us. I’ll admit we were sloppy. Tempting Tann to send a team down to Havarl and then getting our dear captain and his team stranded on Havarl took some doing.”

The Moshae shot Tann a look. Tann’s already pale face got whiter and it wasn’t due to blood loss. He ducked his head, quelling under the combined glares of T’vera and Addison. Ryder’s reaction to her encounter with Vidal had satisfied her bloodlust on a certain level but in the end, it made her felt dirty to be brought to his level. Now, with Tann trying to sink into the floor as his lies were exposed one by one. Ryder couldn’t deny feeling vindicated but it brought her no satisfaction. Tann was just a pawn and Ryder wanted the fucking king. 

“Getting her tortured to cover our tracks was probably the best we could do at the time. But we learnt oh so much from that experience,” Siegfried wagged his finger at his ex-boss. “You all didn’t even know what was going on even with the trial. You did as we had expected, you removed the SAM implant. It’s a step in the correct direction. Still, it’s a pity that you’ve lost her. We had so many plans for her.”

Ryder stiffened. Listening to Siegfried’s ramblings was worse than Vidal’s goading. Then, it clicked. “You’re part of Knight’s group,” she blurted. 

“Yes!” Siegfried said, “But we are Perseus now. Re-branding and all that. No sense in clinging to our dearly departed leader’s vision.”

Ryder’s jaw clenched. Past mistakes coming back to haunt her. Each one worse than the last.

“You have such a good memory. The ex-Pathfinder Ryder killed our dear leader. Someone had to follow her vision through right? Poor Alain wanted revenge oh so badly,” Siegfried went on, his eyes gauging everyone’s reaction. “Mixing something as dangerous as an AI in a human, such hubris!”

_This whole fucking thing began because of my own incompetence. If I had just found another way then none of this would have happened._

“Steady,” Cora whispered over the comm. “This isn’t your fault.”

 _Really?_ Her father that had been missing through all the commotion flirted into her view. His eyes confirmed everything she was feeling. _Right, my fault. For sure._

Siegfried walked towards Ryder. “Who are you really?”

“Someone with a good memory,” she retorted. “So, kill us and somehow people will turn away from AI technology? You’re naive.”

Cora’s hands stiffened. Not signalling for her to delay, not discouraging her either. In any case, Ryder was committed. “Nobody even blamed the SAM implants for the attacks.”

“True,” Siegfried said as he advanced towards Ryder, his pistol held loosely in his hands. 

Ryder kept her eyes on Siegfried but made sure the pistol was always in her view. T’vera was whispering to the Moshae as she shifted to allow the Moshae to help Addison keep pressure on Tann’s thigh. T’vera looked away from the Moshae and glanced in her direction. Their eyes met through her opaque face plate. She could feel T’vera was trying to tell her something but she didn’t know what. Mind melds didn’t work through eye contact. Ryder wrenched her eyes aside to keep Siegfried’s attention away from them. 

“With Tann out of the way and the entire Leadership gone, who would they turn to?”

“You?”

“That’s right.” 

Ryder blinked. 

_Did they really think that would work? With the angaras at our throats with the Moshae’s death, it would be open warfare. The kett threat might be diminished but it isn’t eliminated. How can a fear of AI morph into this?_

She had questions. So many more questions she wanted to ask. The Obsidians, what were those about? It was so far out of Perseus’ known methods. It was clear to Ryder, Siegfried wasn’t the be all, end all of Perseus. He was at best a knight, nothing more.

Ryder gritted her teeth. The situation was fast winding towards a crescendo. She could feel it. Her hand formed a single gesture in Cora’s direction. Ryder prayed Cora caught it.

_On my signal._

“No matter,” Siegfried said as he spun back towards Raeka. “Shall we get the show on the road?”

Raeka nodded at Siegfried as she turned her pistol on the Moshae. Evfra growled deep in his chest as he made to rush forward. As Siegfried turned his attention on Evfra, Ryder Charged.

**Lyrics taken from[Big Bad World by Kodaline](https://open.spotify.com/track/4u7ugVwIsu3gUvhkCnu39x)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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	50. Weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ache begin to spread over Ryder’s neck.
> 
> The ground was slick with blood. The air sizzling with biotic and tech attacks. Over the din of battle, a sharp cry pierced the air. Cora spun on her heels just in time to see Ryder fell. Her body arching as her senses went white hot. 
> 
> _Goddess no!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and support! Things are happening!!
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

# Chapter 50 - Weight

As Ryder Charged, Cora stood and unleashed a Shockwave at the operatives nearest to her. At the same time, T’vera extended a shield over the Leadership and the Moshae. Drack bowled into the enemy line heedless of the weapons aimed his way. Captain Zaex was flustered for a split second before joining the fray with his squad. Bodies braced as they tackled the enemy. Hands wrestling for weapons as every person fought for their lives. It was brutal. Everyone knew this was their only chance to get out of this place alive. With the tenacity of the dying, they were gaining ground and turning the tables. One by one Perseus operatives fell. 

Drack’s battle cry was ear-splittingly loud as her Charge took Siegfried down. Her biotics-enhanced punch connected with Siegfried’s unarmored face with a sickening crunch. He howled as blood spurted from his crooked nose. As her hand swung at Siegfried again, an intense pain overwhelmed her. Ryder spun. Raeka was upon her before she could dodge. Chaos reigned around her as she struggled to gain the upper hand. It’s a tough line to walk between incapacitating someone but not injuring them too much especially when the opponent was a master at hand to hand. 

An ache begin to spread over Ryder’s neck.

The ground was slick with blood. The air sizzling with biotic and tech attacks. Over the din of battle, a sharp cry pierced the air. Cora spun on her heels just in time to see Ryder fell. Her body arching as her senses went white hot. 

_Goddess no!_

* * *

“A little help here, Jaal!” Scott yelled over the comm. 

The angara signalled his team to move up as Peebee snapped up a Backlash, shielding them against the hail of bullets. Liam firing his rifle from over the cover. Jaal pressed his body behind cover next to Scott. “What’s ahead?” Jaal shouted. 

“Something important, given the level of resistance,” Scott replied, popping up to fire at the enemy. 

Jaal risked a glance over the cover and took in the layout of the space. A shot plinked against his helmet and he quickly shrank back behind cover. _Too close._ “I’m taking my guys to flank them,” he said. “At this rate, we will never be able to break this impasse.”

Scott nodded. “I’ll keep them busy.”

* * *

“SAM!” 

There was no need to actually voice her question. SAM understood anyway. 

“There’s nothing you can do for her right now,” SAM replied. “Your best option is to subdue enemy as quickly as possible.”

Cora gritted her teeth. She knew it but she still wished there was something she could actually do for Ryder. The collar was working as intended albeit during the worse possible time. It was working too damned well as Ryder’s muffled agony raised over the cacophony of battle. With loud expel of air from her mouth, Cora forced herself to push Ryder out of her mind. The battle waited for no one. 

She slammed her back against an overturned table. Her breaths coming quick and halting as her heart hammered in her chest. Glancing to her side, she saw Evfra was crouching behind his own cover. Blue angara blood was seeping from various points of his armour. Evfra winced as he shifted to peep beyond his cover. Cora cringed at the large scorched mark on his arm. The leather bracer had turned into a smouldering mess. Drack retreated behind cover, pressing his heavy body against the table, shifting it a little. “Are we not going to help the kid?” he rumbled, his yellow eyes sharp and hard. 

“There’s nothing we can do!” Cora growled. “The faster we get this done, the faster we can help her.”

“ETA to your location in ten minutes,” SAM informed. 

Cora didn’t bother acknowledging the information. She had no time to do so. Craning her neck out to check, most Perseus operatives were done. However, they weren’t faring much better. It was down to Zaex, Evfra, Drack and herself. Raeka and a handful of Perseus operatives were still keeping them from the hostages. Siegfried with his broken nose took cover behind them. Ryder’s screams were reduced to whimpers as her body jerked and contorted. Cora’s jaw tightened. _Hang in there, Ryder…_

She glanced at Evfra. “How much ammo do you have left?”

Evfra checked the pouch at his hip. He pulled one clip out and slammed it into his rifle. His face darkened as he shook his head. Cora turned to Drack. “Just a couple of shotgun magazine,” he reported as he wiped the blood from his eyes. 

Cora tossed both of them her remaining clips. “Make them count,” she said as she flared. “On my mark.”

* * *

Jaal grunted as he vaulted over haphazardly set up barriers. Perseus were routed. They weren’t retreating in the orderly fashion of trained soldiers but in a run-for-your-life manner. “Clear!” Jaal shouted as his men went ahead securing the area. 

Scott, Peebee, Liam and Vetra jogged over, joining him. The unease of working with Scott had been hammering out by the chaos of battle. Both of them were united in their concern of Sara. However, they might disagree, on that point they would be the strongest allies. 

There was a whole slew of terminals here. Jaal and Vetra quickly got behind one each and begin the painstaking work of hacking into the system. Fingers danced across the interface, almost in a song of clicks and clacks. 

* * *

Cora grunted as Raeka’s fist connected with her face. The pain was sharp and deep around her eye. Her vision instantly went hazy. It didn’t clear no matter how much she blinked. _Goddess, not in the middle of a fight!_

The hard shell’s onboard computer took over. A sharp pierce into her thigh and a wave of relief came washing over her. But it did nothing for her vision. Out of the corner of her eye, she could make out Ryder starring at them. Blue flashed across her palms a few times. 

“Don’t do this,” she said over the comms, hoping Ryder would heed her words. “Just rest, we’ve got this.”

Those flares were Ryder’s attempt to gather the energy to help, to do anything but to be helpless. Cora pulled her eyes from Ryder. She couldn’t afford the distraction. Even as her body danced with the deadly waltz of battle with Raeka, her mind couldn’t shake the image of Ryder. Waves of agony wrecked through her curled body as she quivered and tried. _Why? You’re in no shape to fight!_

All Cora could do was channel her frustration on Raeka. 

* * *

“Got it!” Vetra shouted, preening proudly. 

The screen flickered once and it revealed a control panel. Clearly labelled on the buzzing screen were each individual online Cetus chip. All the Pathfinders were on the screen and there were many more names on the same list. “Spirits!” 

Next to Sara’s and Raeka’s names were the red and flashing word. 

_Active._

Jaal growled as Scott bent over Vetra and stabbed his finger against the screen. “Can you deactivate them? All of them.”

Peebee and Liam tried hard to hear what’s going on while keeping an eye out for Perseus operatives. Worry and anxiety etched on their face even as they tried to keep minds on the job. 

Vetra bent over the interface studying the options available. Her talons no longer the sure dance across the panels but the tentative slow navigation across dangerous waters. Jaal couldn’t stand to watch. He turned away and started transferring all the information they found. If they wanted to help Sara, they needed every single shred of intel they could get their hands on. 

Scott paced. It was no wonder the operatives fought as hard as they did to keep them from the control room. This was the headquarters of the entire Cetus operation. Someone must have sat here and activated and deactivated the Cetus chip. Scott wanted the hand of that person so badly. He bit his tongue to stop himself from asking Vetra to go faster. He knew Vetra was going as fast as she could. It’s been radio silence since the Tempest landed on Kadara. There was no way to know if Cora’s team was successful. That flashing red “Active” felt so ominous. 

“Done!” Vetra announced at the same time the terminal beeped for each Cetus chip that was deactivated. The red flashing “Active” winked out, replaced by a greyed-out “Inactive”. 

Peebee pumped her fists in the air, exchanging high fives with Liam. Jaal clapped his hand on Scott’s shoulder. Scott turned and grinned at him. Jaal pulled him in for a hug.

* * *

Ryder was still. Her eyes closed. Cora’s heart clenched. _Is she… dead?_

Zaex took an Overload in his chest and fell. His arms spread wide to break his fall as he careened into Evfra, leaving both of them wide open for Siegfried’s operatives. Cora threw her hand in the familiar mnemonic as a flash of blue enveloped both of them. Evfra took the chance to pull Zaex behind cover. Then a sudden pain bloomed over her chest. She groaned as she fell to her knees. Raeka was looking confused at the carnage around her. Siegfried snarled and snatched the pistol from Raeka’s hands. He stood over Ryder with a smoking pistol aimed at her. Siegfried smirked. 

His finger tightened around the trigger once more. Cora struggled to move but her strength just didn’t come. _This is it._ She closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable boom and pain. _Goddess, forgive us. We’ve lost._

The shot rang out, drowning out the sounds of the entire place. Cora flinched but there wasn’t the sensation of bullet rending flesh. She opened her eyes as she felt the hair on the back of her neck stood on their ends. The energy in the room was almost electric. Ryder had her arm up. Her shield had stopped Siegfried’s shot. 

Drack took the chance to drag Cora back behind cover. With a cry of effort, Ryder Pushed. It was a force so strong Cora felt her body weighed a good two times more even behind the shield. Anyone caught in the blast got slammed against the wall. Cora coughed as tried to take a breath. Her lungs felt like it was being crushed by her ribs. 

It was an eternity. 

It was just a split second. 

It was both. 

With a strangled groan, the pressure disappeared. Drack was hurriedly slapping a fresh medi-gel pack into her suit. Within moments her chest was nice and numb. Drack smacked his claw over her shoulder. “You’ll live. It’s just a little scratch.”

“Ryder,” Cora said as she levered herself up. “Help her.”

* * *

She felt tingly all over. It felt like her nerves were all fried and would never stop feeling that way. Ryder pulled herself upright with the help of the wall as she dragged in breath after breath. _Let’s not do that again._

Shaking her head to clear her vision, she took quick stock of the situation. Raeka was down for the count. Finally. T’vera had dropped the shield over the hostages, hurrying over to render first aid to the fallen Pathfinder. The remaining Perseus operatives on the ground while her people were slowly getting up to their feet. _It’s over?_

Her scar throbbed. She knew she was missing someone. Her eyes raked over the battlefield once more. “Where’s Siegfried?” she asked. 

As if he had heard her question, there was a loud bark of laughter. Ryder scanned the hall for the source of the sound. She found him standing at the locked exit. “You!” Siegfried rasped as he pressed his hand against a rapidly spreading red patch on his abdomen, his finger pointed straight at her chest. 

“If plan A fails, go to plan B.”

Ryder tried to move as Siegfried tapped on his omni tool. The holo-lock flashed from red to green. The door slid open. Siegfried took two steps over the threshold as he pulled his arm up again. She willed her legs to move faster. Her amp seared her neck as she tried to Charge. Nothing came, nothing happened. Ryder was spent.

His finger fell on the interface like the hammer of Kalros. For a moment all was still. Then, a series of sequential detonations went off. The earth beneath her feet rumbled and shook. The walls cracked and bent. Finally, the floor gave way.

* * *

Evfra coughed as he came to. Gingerly, he moved his limbs and found he was surprisingly unhurt. _What happened?_ The last thing he remembered was that accursed human triggering something on his omni tool. Then, darkness. 

He took quick stock of his surroundings. It was dark but there was a blue glow to everything. Debris littered the floor. He covered his nose and mouth with his hand as the stench of burning plastics was close to overwhelming. Cocking his head as his ears picked up sounds coming from the other side of the fallen furniture that hemmed him in the small space. Evfra pulled himself to his feet as broken furniture and ashes shifted and scrapped against the floor. He glanced up. There was still light coming up from above. They must have fallen into the basement level where Perseus operatives were originally hiding. Evfra couldn’t help but growled as he remembered how Siegfried had bested them. 

Evfra put it all at the back of his mind. His priority was the Moshae. _Where is she?_

All of a sudden, the broken furniture that fenced him in shifted. Drack emerged from the other side. “Move!” Drack ordered. 

Zaex and Addison had Tann between them. Their arms were the only thing propping the Director up. He was pale and barely unconscious. Without the two helping Tann, he wouldn’t have been able to make on his own. Regardless of his need to find the Moshae, Evfra could still spare a moment to glare at Tann. _Ryder was right all along. He had sent a team down to Havarl. He was the cause of all our troubles. If only we had taken action then. All of this could have been avoided._

Guilt swell up from his gut. He knew he owed Ryder an apology but more than that, a debt. She had tried to put things into motions the best she could but what had he done? Nothing and worse he had called for her death at the trial. Evfra clenched his fists. 

Drack tilted his head at him as he passed. “Are you all right?”

The krogan looked at him with a critical eye, lingering particularly at the bad burn wound on his arm. “I’m fine,” he growled defensively. “Where’s the Moshae?”

Drack jerked his claw towards the back before turning back to the others. “Hurry up!” he roared. “You can’t expect them to keep holding it up!”

Evfra dismissed the others from his mind the moment he moved beyond the barrier. Just beyond the barrier were three biotics users working in tandem to hold the entire roof up for them. Harper’s face was wrinkled up in effort. Red sweat dripping off her chin where blood mingled with perspiration. The Director of Pathfinders was labouring under the immerse weight on her shoulders. Her arm was bent at an unnatural angle as the Moshae was ripping her sleeve to fashion a sling for the asari. 

The blue dome over their heads flickered as T’vera’s eyes sagged shut for a second. The roof and the level above their heads shifted as it sagged. Debris and rubble fell. Evfra flinched even as he hurried over to the Moshae. The lowered ceiling felt like it was about to bury them any minute. It only stopped when the blue dome held steady. Harper’s face was paler than just moments before. The effort expanded to hold it all up must have been considerable. Evfra shuddered to think how this was all possible. 

His eyes fell on the only other biotic left. Ryder. She was still dressed in her all black armour, faceplate remained anonymously opaque. Her stance was stiff and unyielding. With her helmet on Evfra couldn’t even tell what was going on inside there. She seemed to have come through the entire ordeal relatively unscathed. Then her cries of pain echoed in his head. He ducked his head. Ryder tilted her faceless helmet at him. “Are you ok?” she asked, her voice a rasp, shaking and wavering. 

It was the only sign of exertion from Ryder. Evfra just nodded at Ryder in reply. He stepped over to the Moshae. “We got to get you out of here.”

The Moshae had just done helping T’vera put on the sling. The broken arm rested gingerly in it. The asari seemed to breath easier after that. The elder angara turned to face Evfra. Her eyes hard and blazing. “I will not abandon the people who fought so hard for me, for us.”

“But…” Evfra started to speak. 

The Moshae glared at him. “We will all go, together.”

“Moshae, please lead the way,” Cora said, her words came out as a choked cough. 

“It’ll all be for nought if you fall here,” Ryder growled.

* * *

Cora glanced at Ryder. Outwardly, she looked fine but Cora was sure Ryder was suffering the same way she was. There was no way she wasn’t. In the battle before Ryder had expanded a significant amount of biotic energy. Then when the collar got triggered it must have sapped her strength judging from what much help Ryder needed to simply walk after the collar was activated. Ryder’s breaths were heavy in her ear. The comm channel between them live and transmitting. She could hear music was still softly playing in Ryder’s helmet.

  
 _Welcome to the end of eras_   
_Ice has melted back to life_  
 _Done my time and served my sentence_  
 _Dress me up and watch me die_

Legs like lead. Arms quivering as if physically supporting the load of the building. 

_If it feels good, tastes good_   
_It must be mine_   
_Dynasty decapitated_   
_You just might see a ghost tonight_

Every step was a herculean effort. Knees shook and threatened to buckle with every lift and fall of feet. 

* * *

“Almost there,” Evfra called back. 

The building rumbled again. More rubble fell. T’vera stumbled and fell. With one arm in a sling, she couldn’t break her fall. Her weight crashed into her broken arm. She cried. At the same time, the ceiling grew that much closer to their heads. Cora groaned. T’vera struggled to pull her biotics up but the pain was scattering her concentration. 

Ryder moved as if wading through mud. “Can you see the exit?” she asked. 

Evfra pulled another broken crate that was blocking them out of the way. “It’s just ahead,” he said. “But it would be a tight squeeze.”

He glanced worriedly at T’vera. The previously 2.5 metres tall door was now crushed and blocked. It left them a sliver of space to escape the rapidly unstable pre-fab. Cora and Ryder by some unspoken agreement had been steadily shrinking the shield. Everywhere the biotic shield wasn’t supporting had collapsed. If either Cora or Ryder fell, it would mean the end of all of them. 

“Go,” Ryder said in a choked voice. “Get T’vera out too.”

The Moshae turned to face Ryder. “No, this isn’t right. I will not allow someone else to take on responsibility for my safety in this manner. You deserve a chance as much as I do.”

Evfra realised the Moshae didn’t know who she was speaking to. “Yeah but if I go first,” Ryder replied with a growl. “You’ll not get out.”

“Moshae,” Cora spoke. “She is right. Please, we can take care of ourselves.”

“I have failed one Pathfinder, I don’t want to fail another,” the Moshae admitted. 

Ryder snorted. It was harsh and sharp. The Moshae frowned at her. Evfra didn’t think it was appropriate to let her in on Ryder’s identity at the moment. All he wanted was the Moshae out of this trap. “I’m sure Ryder wouldn’t begrudge you going first. She would probably tell you that the Moshae isn’t replaceable.”

“Moshae, please,” Evfra pleaded. “We will follow behind.”

The Moshae opened her mouth to protest but the pre-fab rumbled again. “It’s getting fucking heavy here,” Ryder went on. “Please just go.”

Evfra wrapped his hand around the Moshae's and tugged her towards the shrinking hole between freedom and death. The Moshae took a moment to look at Cora then at Ryder before wriggling her way through the hole. 

Then, Evfra gently guided T’vera towards the exit. The asari whimpered and cried as she forced her way through the hole. 

“Thank you, Evfra,” Ryder whispered. 

He nodded. Cora grunted as the roof shook again. This time harder than before. The pre-fab was collapsing. Cora was wavering on her feet. Evfra’s eyes turned to the black mask that’s Ryder’s face. A jolt of electricity ran down his spine. He was sure their eyes met. 

“Go!” Ryder shouted urgently.

Evfra rammed himself through the rapidly closing space. Hands clamped down on his shoulders dragging him into the fresh air of Kadara. As soon as his legs got free, the rest of the pre-fab collapsed, burying two Pathfinders in the rubble. 

**Lyrics taken from[Emperor’s New Clothes by Death of a Bachelor](https://open.spotify.com/track/3px2rAPu74ltbkf9eZsZ8h)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, another cliffhanger but the next chapter is coming tomorrow so it's not that bad.
> 
> * * *
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> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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> This author replies to comments.


	51. The Long Whine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments on the last chapter! I hope you like this one too! Drops the chapter and runs away. Do take a look at the tags, I've updated them.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

“Do what you have to SAM but hurry.”

A hollow voice replied. It sounded so far away, warped like it’s underwater or maybe she’s the one underwater. Everything just hurt.

“She’s waking up.”

She groaned as a wave of nausea hit her like a knife twisting in her guts. She coughed and found sick choking her.

“No, no, no! SAM! She’s choking!”

More muffled sounds, maybe SAM, maybe not. The rumble ran through the dark enclosed space as a force dragged her across the broken ground, rolling her onto her side. She whimpered as rocks and pieces of her armour cut and dug into her skin. Blood smearing across the rocky Kadara ground.

“Sorry, sorry. I can’t have you choking on your own sick. SAM, put her under, she’s getting worse.”

Vomit drained from her mouth. She breathed a little easier but her brain felt raw like a blunt saw was taken to it, every stroke of the dull serrated edge an agony that split her head in two. Darkness engulfed her once more.

“Are they close, SAM? They got to be…”

The voice was weaker, softer but still hanging on. She groaned. Her eyelids gummed together, refused to open. It was too much trouble, being awake was too painful. She gave into the darkness once more.

“Come on,” the voice begged, raspy and breathless. “It’s time, you got to wake up. Sorry, I thought I could hold on longer. Be okay, you’re the Pathfinder. You have to be okay. Cora, I order you to wake the fuck up…”

Cora winced. She found herself lying on her side, her eyes unable to process anything in the dark. Another wave of nausea swept over her as she emptied her guts before flopping into her back.

“Is she ok, SAM?” the voice whispered through gritted teeth. “Are you sure she’s ok?”

“Yes, Ryder,” SAM replied, his voice coming through her omni tool. “Keeping her unconscious had helped a little but any longer isn’t optimum to either of your survival.”

Cora grunted and blinked the cobwebs from her eyes. There was a shimmering biotic shield over her head. “What…”

She turned her head slowly, her eyes tracing the arc of the domed shield overhead. The broken ceiling of the pre-fab oppressively closed to her face, held up only by the flickering layered biotic shield. Cora’s breath hitched when she saw Ryder staring back at her with a bloody smile. She was lying on her back, her opaque faceplate cracked and shattered, half still clung uselessly to her helmet. She was half enclosed under the shield. The other half-buried under rubble. Rubble that would have crashed down on Cora if wasn’t for Ryder’s shield.

“You’re ok,” Ryder sighed with relief, her eyes half-lidded in what? Pain? Exhaustion? Both?

Cora’s memory kick-started itself. Vaguely, she remembered she, Ryder and T’vera were working to hold up the collapsing pre-fab, buying time to allow everyone else to escape. _Evfra…_ Cora tried to sit up with a sudden jerk. Her head instantly connecting with the rubble overhead. She regretted it. Ryder chuckled. “Please don’t hit your head, it had one hell of a knock when the pre-fab came down on our heads.”

She groaned. Did he get out? He must have. He had to. Cora didn’t want to imagine how bad the Roekaar would turn if they used Evfra as their martyr. Death by the treachery of the second human Pathfinder. The thought threatened to turn her stomach again. Laying back down, Cora heard Ryder’s breathless laughter turned into a coughing fit. Her eyes widened as blood spill between Ryder’s clenched teeth. “Ryder!”

Her own pain forgotten as she saw Ryder stretching her right hand towards her, over the sick, over the blood. Cora pulled herself forward hand over hand, arms scraping across broken rocks and rubble. Every forward motion an agony. The rubble overhead shifted as another layer of Ryder’s shield flickered and died.

Cora crawled faster. Her hand gripped Ryder’s arm. Ryder’s return grip was distressingly weak. She swallowed the surge of fear and concern as she gathered her biotics to shore up Ryder’s rapidly failing shield. _How long had she been holding it up? How long was I out?_

Cora laid on her back, next to Ryder. “Why?

“You wouldn’t have survived without a helmet.”

Cora blinked. Yes, she did take off her helmet. _Goddess, it felt like a lifetime ago._ “How long?”

“I don’t know. Too long I wager,” she said, laughing at her own joke, before coughing.

“How long, SAM?” she insisted.

Ryder groaned as the rubble shifted again. “Does it matter? SAM’s a little busy now that you're awake. He’s coordinating the rescue efforts above ground.”

SAM remained silent. Cora looked at Ryder, really looked. Her brown eyes were tired and numb. “I did good, Cora?” she asked with a quiver in her voice.

Cora squeezed Ryder’s hand once. “Yes, you did.”

“I fixed it all? Cora, did I? It wasn’t all for nought?”

“Ryder, yes. We got Tann, Perseus, all of them.”

Chuckling, Ryder attempted to shake her head. It was pinned under rubble. “Liar, we got Tann at best,” she rasped, her breaths coming thin and shallow. “I don’t think I can hold it for much longer.”

“SAM,” Cora called out as she wriggled her arm to bring up her omni tool. “How long more?”

Her arm was scraped raw and only half covered by a broken gauntlet. An orange glow filled the small pocket of protected rubble. “Pathfinder, I am guiding Drack and Dex to your exact location. It will take some time to clear the debris.”

She heaved a heavy sigh of relief. The Tempest was en-route to their location after Siegfried showed his true colours. It shouldn’t take long for the Tempest to locate them but the entire pre-fab had collapsed. How much rubble would they have to sift through to get to them? Cora glanced at Ryder. Drack’s out there probably whipping everyone into helping. They had to be. Ryder’s words rang loud in her ears.

Cora’s heart made a disconcerting lurch when she scanned Ryder. Ryder coughing up blood was the least of Cora’s concerns. “Ryder…” she whispered as she stared at the readout.

“Are you in pain?”

The scan revealed a punctured lung, broken ribs, crushed arm and a broken femur. The armour’s onboard computer had dispensed all available medi-gel into Ryder. It had also tightened around her arm and leg, acting as a tourniquet, after being triggered by the massive amount of pressure applied.

Ryder laughed. “What’s pain?”

_How is she still be conscious? And holding a shield up?_

A warning flashed red on her omni tool, drenching the safe space in blood red. _Goddess, Ryder._ Ryder’s breathing grew laboured and slow as blood bubbled from her lips. “Cora…”

Fear seized Cora. _No, no, no!_ “Don’t you dare do this to me, Ryder! I’m fucking giving you an order! Stay with me, Ryder.”

“Cora, it doesn’t work that way,” she whispered, voice softer still. “It’s ok. It’s really ok…”

Ryder sighed as her strength evaporated like a puddle of water in the arid badlands of Kadara. The last layer of Ryder’s shield flickered and disappeared. Cora grunted as the rubble overhead settled onto hers. The pain behind her eyes grew exponentially as the sheer weight of the world pressed down on her shoulders. With gritted teeth, Cora poured more energy into the shield.

“Ryder!” she called urgently, squeezing her hand.

“SAM! Can I do anything? Can you do anything?”

The AI remained quiet for a moment. “Cora, there is nothing you can do,” SAM said, quiet and desperate. “I do not have the ability to do anything without the Pathfinder implant.”

If an AI could sound helpless, it was SAM. Cora stared at Ryder. Her eyes tracking the slow rise and fall of her chest half buried by rubble, crushed by responsibility, by the burden, by the will to throw herself into the fire.

Her eyes were closed but Ryder slowly and weakly closed her hand over Cora’s, before going limp. With her scan still active, Cora watched helplessly as warning flashed after warning. Tears stung her eyes, a plead turned into a lump in her throat. “Ryder!”

Cora struggled to get closer to Ryder but there was no room. All she managed was to scrap her limbs raw. “No, Ryder! Don’t do this!”

Ryder’s life signs grew weaker and weaker. Her breath slowed, her heart grew laboured. Cora prayed as she never had before. _Goddess, preserve this soul. She works your miracles. She embodies your values. She is an extension of your will. Please!_

Seconds passed, decades passed. Ryder took a shuddering breath and never took another.

* * *

“Faster!” Drack roared.

He was near panicking. They didn’t have time. Five minutes at best, quicker was better. His claws snatched the next rock, the next broken piece of pre-fab, anything and everything separating him from the kid and the Pathfinder.

Dex was the first off the Tempest when it landed. He had not expected to arrive just in time to see the pre-fab collapsing. Wrench was already there helping to pull an angara to his feet. Everyone was injured to varying degrees. There was a single unfamiliar human unconscious on the ground. His eyes searched furiously for Ryder. “Where is she?” Dex demanded.

Wrench shook her head and pointed at the rubble. “No!” he yelled and started pulling the rubble apart, triggering a tiny rockslide.

Drack clamped a hand on his shoulder. “Stop,” he growled. “You are making things worse.”

Evfra jogged over. He was coated in dust, one arm clamped over his blackened arm. “They were just behind me,” he said. “They should just be under here.”

“SAM, can you help?” Dex asked, anxiety turning his voice tight.

Then the AI spoke, his voice coming through loud and clear from Drack’s omni tool. “The Pathfinder is currently unconscious I am not able to pinpoint her exact location.”

“But…”

“Can you ping her implant?” Drack interrupted. “We can’t just wait!”

“One moment Drack,” SAM said.

Precious seconds ticked past. Eventually, SAM pointed them to the likeliest position to start from. He constantly directed them to remove the broken pieces of pre-fab in a precise order to prevent a cave in.

Dex didn’t have the physical strength like Drack did but he was working his biotics hard and furious. A sizeable pile had built around the rubble of the collapsed outpost. He worked smart like how Ryder had taught him. There was no useless display of biotics by flinging the rocks in frustration. Controlled, precise and above all fast. Ryder needed him. Dex had no intention to let her down.

T’vera’s biotics was usually an inexorable wave that she could count on like the tides on Thessia but the pain was snapped her control like a twig. “Give me the painkillers,” she ordered. “I don’t need two arms to use my biotics.”

Lexi baulked. “You are in no shape to aid in the rescue.”

“Time is of the essence. I’ve heard what SAM said. Your Pathfinder is unconscious, kept so to minimise her head injury but that’s keeping us from pinpointing her exact location. All we have is a rough area. There is no telling how long your other soldier is able to hold the roof up for the both of them. You have no time and no choice!”

Lexi gritted her teeth and administered the painkillers. T’vera stalked out of the med-bay intent on joining Dex and the others. She glared at Zaex who was just sitting on the ground looking shell-shocked. _Is it because he just had a near-death escape? Is it because he is realising he will be brought drow together with Tann?_ T’vera didn’t care. She had one goal in mind and that’s getting their people out from under the pre-fab. “Captain!” she shouted, her voice sharp like steel raking over stone. “Get down there and help!”

Zaex quickly scrambled to his feet and added his pair of hands to Addison, the Moshae, Wrench, Kallo and Gil. It was all hands on deck to find Cora and Ryder before the rubble become their living tomb. A lone husky hovered anxiously digging at the rubble with her paws.

Lexi turned back to her patient, the Initiative Director Tann. For a split second, she wished she didn’t know the truth about him because it would make treating him much easier. It would have made him a belligerent patient. Knowing what she knew, Tann was more than a difficult patient, he was incredibly selfish and self-serving. Lexi took deep breaths to calm herself. She didn’t trust herself not to throw him with her biotics.

“We should go!” Tann cried, trying to loom over Suvi while still lying on the bed. “They can’t have survived that, they’re dead! I need medical attention!”

The normally mild-mannered Suvi’s face flushed a deep crimson as she applied additional pressure on the white bandages she was winding around Tann’s medi-gel coated thigh. His hysterics instantly got stuck in his throat as it turned into a choked gasp of pain.

“You would have been dead if weren’t for them. All of you!” she yelled as she threw her arms wide. “We will stay here till we find them. We will not leave one moment earlier, Director.”

The painkillers and the blood transfusion must have made him feel better. He wasn’t so combative before when Zaex and Addison dragged him on board. Lexi’s fingers twitched wishing she could sedate him to shut him up. It was a pity she couldn’t afford to waste her medical supplies. Glancing worriedly at the door, Lexi knew both Ryder and Cora would be in need of medical attention. She prayed the frigate Tann had travelled to Kadara on would arrive soon. They needed all the help they could get.

Outside, it was slow going. The pile of debris grew around the area they worked. Dex was grateful nobody spoke about the very real chance they weren’t looking for survivors but bodies. His eyes scanned the collapsed pre-fab. They had hardly made a dent but SAM was still directing them to dig. SAM was sure there were faint life signs over that area. He shook his head and tried to focus on his task.

Dex cocked his head. He was sure he heard someone shouting. It was coming from underneath his feet. Biotics paired with muscles, he pulled the debris off as fast as he could.

“Faster!” Drack roared. “We’ve got five minutes.”

* * *

Light pierced the darkness that encased her. Cora winced as if the sun burnt her. It probably did, it probably should. “Faster!” she heard Drack roared.

“Here!” Cora shouted.

As the rubble above were cleared, the pressure eased from her shield. Cora grunted as she gathered her strength. “Keep clear!” she warned.

She gave them 30 seconds before summoning a massive Push. The remaining debris blasted out in an arc overhead, opening the way for Drack and the others.

“We found them!” Dex shouted.

As Cora blinked the dust from her eyes, she would never believe that she’d consider a krogan angelic but Drack was. Dried blood down his armour, wounds hastily patched up, he towered over her in his full armoured glory. Cora felt he was her answered prayer. Ryder needed help now!

“Drack! Here! Hurry!” Cora shouted. “Get Lexi now!”

There was a flurry of activity. She felt hands on her shoulders as they dragged her into the sun. Her physical pain was just a dull reminder that she’s still alive while Ryder… Cora couldn’t bring herself to finish the thought. “Where’s Lexi? Get Lexi!” Cora shouted as she struggled to sit up.

Hands pressed her down to the ground. “She needs to get to…”

“Calm down Pathfinder or I’ll be forced to sedate you,” an unfamiliar voice said.

Cora blinked. It was a salarian. “Who are you?”

“Zirkern Aeyor, not that it matters,” Aeyor replied business-like even as he administered another medi-gel shot into her exposed arm.

“We need more help here!” Dex shouted.

Cora attempted to sit up to see but Aeyor pushed her down. He turned to someone to his side. “Get the Pathfinder to the med-bay.”

* * *

Drack stared at the broken thing before him. _Kid, you didn’t have to do this._ He held his breath as he gingerly moved her out into the open. Dex could only gasp as blood was trailing behind the limp body.

Her leg was twisted at an abnormal angle. Her left gauntlet was shattered, held together only by the activation of the medi-protocol of her suit. Dried blood crusted around her lips, the same lips that were turning blue.

Lexi gasped as she saw Ryder’s still body. “Ryder can you hear me?” she asked but from her readings, it was clear Ryder couldn’t.

“Dr T’Perro, you still have a chance to restart her heart if you commenced CPR now,” SAM informed.

Lexi worked quickly to unbuckle Ryder’s chest piece. She hesitated when she saw the deformed shape of Ryder’s chest. She took a deep breath and started CPR. Every push downwards further misshaping Ryder’s ribs. Lexi blinked away the tears that welled up in her eyes. _There’s no time for emotions, Ryder’s counting on me._

“Get a gurney here now!” she yelled. “She needs to be in my med-bay now!”

Aeyor came quickly with Gil carrying a backboard between them. “Bag her!”

The experienced medical officer ripped Ryder’s helmet off. The only indication that Aeyor recognised her was a stiffening of his fingers. Then his fingers worked quickly to insert a breathing tube between her blue lips down her throat.

Instructions flew swiftly as Lexi kept pushing on Ryder’s chest. Drack and Wrench lifted the backboard and ran into the Tempest.

The group burst into the med-bay. Tann who was occupying one of the beds had his mouth open, ready with a sharp remark. Drack and Wrench brushed past him. “Get him off the bed, I need it,” Lexi barked.

On the other bed lay Cora who was struggling to sit up. Suvi didn’t bother stopping her. She had her eyes on Ryder as well.

Dex didn’t bother speaking. He clamped his talons around Tann’s arm and yanked him off the bed. It was risk falling or get off the bed voluntarily. “This is no way to treat a victim!” he protested.

Nobody had a shred of attention for him. “Get her on the bed,” Lexi said as Aeyor and her stepped away giving space to Drack.

Tann had to limp aside as Drack lifted the still body tenderly onto the bed. Tann was sure this was the other soldier. _Who is that?_ The press of bodies blocked the soldier from his view. Tann had expected them to have Lexi work on the Pathfinder but everyone was fussing over this faceless, nameless soldier. _Why?_

Drack stepped aside. Lexi and Aeyor moved in quickly to resume CPR. Two pairs of hands working in tandem. Nobody moved, everyone waited for Lexi’s orders.

“Aeyor stay here, the rest of you out!”

Drack dragged Dex out. The young turian went without a single word of protest. Wrench followed closely behind. “Drack, she needs more help than I can give,” Lexi said, her voice deceptively calm. “Both of them.”

Drack nodded. “I’ll talk to Kallo.”

Nobody had thought to shuffle Tann out of the room. He was left in the corner, the silent witness. Even though the med-bay was emptier by three people Tann never felt more claustrophobic.

When life and death were on the line, modesty went out of the window. Lexi sheared through Ryder’s inner suit and sports bra right down the middle. Quickly Lexi attached wireless leads to her chest. Instantly Ryder’s vitals were reflected on the monitors. A loud and long whine filled the med-bay.

“Come on Ryder don’t do this. Come on,” Lexi begged.

It was like a gunshot had gone off next to Tann’s ears. _Ryder? Was it Ryder all along? But… How? Why?_

He didn’t know how to react not really, not after everything he had done and planned came crashing down on his head. Tann watched wide-eyed. The whine was loud, ear-splittingly so. The noise felt inexorably tied to his fate somehow, Tann knew in his very core. His wounded leg shook and it wasn’t due to pain.

“Come on Ryder. Come back. Come back,” Cora prayed.

Lexi shifted allowing Aeyor to switch over with her. In the small space between their bodies, Tann saw her face. It was pale, slightly blue. Her eyes closed, her mouth crusted with blood, agape with a tube snaking down between her lips.

A shiver ran down his spine. His chest felt hot. Tann was sure something was wrong with him, maybe the bullet was laced with poison. He opened his mouth, attempting to ask for help but he found Cora staring murderously at him. Whatever he was about to utter fled. He gulped and took a couple of steps back. His back colliding with the cabinets behind him, rattling the contents within. Tann was starting to realise what that whine meant.

The med-bay was silent save for Lexi’s and Aeyor’s exertions. Everyone watched with bated breath. The bed creaked over and over as hands pressed against the still body on the bed. Tann started praying but the long whine just went on and on. Outside, a dog began to howl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
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	52. The Sound of Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder’s heart wouldn’t start. They defibrillated her again and again. That broken limp body of a person who had tried so hard and given too much jerked as electricity was applied, forcing her to live. 
> 
> Was that cruelty? Wasn’t that asking too much? 
> 
> Ryder wasn’t beyond hope. She still had a fighting chance. Still, it hurt to see and it hurt more to do it. It had been more than 20 minutes of administered drugs, chest compressions and defibrillation. 
> 
> _Is this what Ryder wanted? To be pulled back to the mortal coil in a broken body to fight another day?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry but not sorry for that horrible cliffhanger to the last chapter. *Evil writer laughter* I hope this chapter wrap things up for the last chapter.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

The med-bay was quiet, as quiet as it could possibly be with the hisses from the ventilator, beeps from the heartbeat monitor. In the dim light of the med-bay, Lexi sat at her desk. She was tired but she couldn’t bring herself to rest. Aeyor had left to tend to the less serious injuries sustained by the others. Evfra’s burns, T’vera’s broken arm, Drack’s gunshot wounds and all the cuts and scraps the others had picked up during the battle and rescue. He had even treated their prisoner. 

With the Pathfinder down and her second off the Tempest, Drack was nominally in charge. If the situation wasn’t so grave, Lexi might have teased him about it but she didn’t have the energy to speak, let alone joke. 

There was only two real choices, it’s either the Nexus or Meridian. Drack had Kallo to make for Meridian. It was the closer of the two. Scott and Jaal had been informed. They would rendezvous there. 

Lexi sighed and dragged her hand over her face. She had done everything she could. Ryder lived if she could call it that. Her heart still beat but it was still not looking good. How long had it been before they got to Ryder? How long was her brain without oxygen? Lexi wished her mind would stop running down these dark roads but the doctor in her was pragmatic. 

She stood up and walked over to Ryder’s bed for the third time that hour. Even though Lexi knew the monitors would scream if anything changed, she couldn’t bring herself to let her guard down. Her muscles sore having been overworked earlier. Ripples of tingles ran up her arms as she remembered the feel of Ryder’s chest bending under her hands. Lexi curled her fingers into her palms and made fists to still them. She let a shuddering breath out as the tears finally came. Her teeth bit down hard on her lips to keep her sobs quiet. 

She had almost given up on Ryder. 

Ryder’s heart wouldn’t start. They defibrillated her again and again. That broken limp body of a person who had tried so hard and given too much jerked as electricity was applied, forcing her to live. 

Was that cruelty? Wasn’t that asking too much? 

Ryder wasn’t beyond hope. She still had a fighting chance. Still, it hurt to see and it hurt more to do it. It had been more than 20 minutes of administered drugs, chest compressions and defibrillation. 

_Is this what Ryder wanted? To be pulled back to the mortal coil in a broken body to fight another day?_

Still, their efforts never stopped. Suvi’s and Cora’s fervent prayers were the fuel for Lexi to try again and again.

Eventually, her hands slowed and finally stopped. _Maybe it is time to let go._ Her eyes traced the deep line between Ryder’s brow, the only thing still taut in a limp body, as if she could still feel. Past the furrow between her brows were her closed eyes, hiding the most intense gaze Lexi had ever known. Then, her discoloured skin and her broken body. Lexi’s breath caught in her throat as she turned away from Ryder. Aeyor hit the defibrillator one more time. Ryder’s body jerked and fell back down onto the bed. 

_Beep._

It was the sound of possibility. Lexi jerked her eyes at the heartbeat monitor. 

_Beep._

It was the sound of a future. She turned to look at Aeyor. They exchanged a look. 

_Beep._

It was the sound of despair departing. “Thank the goddess,” Cora whispered. 

_Beep._

It was the sound of a goodbye forestalled. Suvi sniffed and hugged Lexi. 

_Beep._

It was the sound of hope. Ryder lived. 

* * *

They had done all they could to stabilise Ryder and Cora. The Pathfinder wasn’t doing so well. Her concussion was severe and her fractured eye socket was further compounded when the entire building fell on her head. What Cora needed was observation and rest, perhaps surgery to repair the fracture. The blurred vision, bruising and swelling would go away eventually. Meanwhile, Cora was placed on a steady regime of painkillers and constant medi-gel IV. 

Ryder on the other hand had multiple broken bones that Lexi couldn’t begin to set because they all required surgery. Her broken femur and crushed arm were worrying. Her ribs broken under the rubble and further damaged when they tried to restart her heart. Lexi knew the medi-protocol shouldn’t be maintained this long. Looking at the only parts of Ryder’s still clothed, her left arm and leg, it was passed time she disengaged it but it was a toss up. Too soon, the broken down proteins from crushed muscles would flood into her body and send her into shock. Too late, the tissue would die from the lack of blood flow. She sighed and began adjusting the medi-protocol on her omni tool.

Lexi checked on the chest tube. Blood was still slowly draining from the tube. Something inside her chest was lacerated, probably by her broken ribs. It was hardly surprising, what was surprising was it wasn’t worse. The wound had bled into her chest and made it next to impossible for Ryder to breathe. Lexi needed access to a proper operating theatre before she could began to fix what’s wrong. Meanwhile all Lexi could do was to keep up with a continuous infusion of medi-gel into her chest cavity to keep the blood clotted. It was the best she could do. Now all Ryder needed to do was to hold on. 

_She will. She’s a fighter._

* * *

When Tann came stumbling out of the med-bay with Aeyor ushering him out, the news of Ryder being the other soldier spread among the others. Evfra watched as the assembled members of the Leadership took in the news. It went from disbelief to confusion and finally to a dawning horror of their own actions. 

Drack had neither the time nor the patience for questions or niceties. Evfra didn’t blame him. The look Drack shot at Tann when he entered the cargo bay sent chills down even his spine. Drack left muttering something about checking in on Lexi. That was fine but it also meant he was left to field all the questions. 

Aeyor deposited Tann on a crate before tending to T’vera’s broken arm. Nobody spoke for a moment. Each of them trying to process what had happened. Perseus, Tann, Siegfried, Cetus chips, Pathfinders and Ryder. A random string of words by themselves probably didn’t mean much by themselves but put together it was everything. It was truth, it was reality and it hurt and more than most. 

Ryder was innocent and she had literally pulled them all out of the rubble. 

“Why?” Addison asked, her voice hushed and tired. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Evfra didn’t think it was what Addison truly wanted to ask but he answered. “There was no time,” he replied gruffly. “We barely got there in time.”

The floodgates were opened. “Why is she there?” the Moshae asked. “Why was she with you?”

Evfra glanced at Zaex and Tann. T’vera caught his look. She turned to Wrench who was watching. The salarian nodded. “Dex, some help?” Wrench called. 

Evfra gestured for the Moshae and Addison to join T’vera and Aeyor. The four of them rested their weary bodies as best they could on the crates. Wrench and Dex all but dragged Tann and Zaex out of the cargo bay. The dog growling at them all the way out.

The space was suddenly too big and too hollow. Evfra sighed. He started with Ryder’s vid. It was hard enough to watch the first time, repeated viewing didn’t make it any easier. Then he launched into the events of the past week. He didn’t have all the details but what he knew coupled with Siegfried’s confident monologue back on Kadara, it was clear that Ryder wasn’t the crazed biotic that she was made out to be. She was the first victim, the first stuck down and the Leadership had helped stomped her into the ground. 

Each of them now subdued. Evfra could see the same regret across all their faces. He knew he had the same look. Everyone did what they thought was right but they had all acted impulsively and in fear. That wasn’t right. 

“Leaving Ryder aside for the moment, what about Tann?” Addison asked. 

The Moshae nodded. “He has to answer for his crimes. Not just for breaching the security protocols of the Nexus but also for an illegal incursion into Havarl.”

“I think Ryder should have a say in Tann’s disposition,” T’vera interjected. “She has the right. After everything she has done for us. We should speak to Pathfinder Harper, she will know more.”

Addison sighed. “How is she really?”

Aeyor looked up. The salarian seemed to sag a little at the question. “We managed to got her heart restarted again but there is no telling how much it have affected her brain until she regains consciousness,” he said. “She has sustained a considerable amount of injuries.”

The silence that followed was telling. Nobody saw fit to break it. Nobody had the right words for it. 

* * *

“How far out are we?” Scott asked. 

Jaal didn’t have to glance at the controls. The answer was right on his lips. “10 hours 25 minutes and 12 seconds,” he replied. 

Scott sighed and slid into the co-pilot seat next to Jaal. Vetra was busy sifting through the data they had got from the outpost while Peebee and Liam were engaged in some angara card game in a bid to distract themselves. Scott knew he should be helping Vetra but he was too distracted. 

“Any word from the Tempest?” 

Jaal shook his head. 

The last communication from the Tempest was hours ago. When Drack’s gruff voice came through the comm, Scott’s heart sank. He was expecting Cora to contact them. _Why isn’t it Cora?_

Then came the news. The team was successful only in the sense that the Leadership were retrieved but casualties were sustained. “Get your asses down to Meridian as fast as you can,” Drack said. “I’ve got things to do. Terminating the call now.”

“Drack!” Scott shouted, interrupting Drack. “Where’s Cora?”

The krogan’s claw hovered in midair. “Drack, you got to tell them,” Kallo said, his voice coming from somewhere off screen.

Drack didn’t speak. He seemed to have turned to stone, unmoving and betraying nothing. “Where’s Cora?” Scott repeated. 

Jaal nudged Scott over and asked, “You said casualties. Who?”

Drack sighed and looked right at them. “Cora is badly injured and Lexi is trying to restart the kid’s heart. I don’t have any more details for you. Just get your asses down to Meridian,” he ordered.

Without waiting for a response, Drack terminated the comm. That left Scott and Jaal starring at the screen dumbfounded. The silence stretched between them as they digested the news. Cora, badly injured. Sara, having to have her heart restarted. 

“Fuck this!” Scott shouted, his voice cracking. “SAM! What’s going on?”

There was a pause before SAM’s voice came through his omni tool. “I’m sorry, Scott. I am keeping the Pathfinder stable and assisting Dr. T’Perro with re-starting Ryder’s heart. I do not have the processing capabilities to keep you updated as well,” SAM said, his voice strained. “Logging off now.”

Scott made a sound of frustration and turned to Jaal. “Can this thing go any faster? We got to go faster!”

Jaal didn’t move. He heard Scott but his body wouldn’t respond. _Sara, we haven’t had that talk. You can’t do this. It’s too soon._

“Jaal!” Scott yelled, shaking the angara roughly by the shoulders. 

Jaal lifted his head and stared at Scott. Grief and worry took up residence in the furrow of the human’s brow. His vision got blurry as his eyes stung. The same tears stood in Scott’s eyes but he refused to let them fall. This wasn’t the time to cry. They had to act. “Jaal, can this time go any faster?” Scott repeated the question. 

Jaal blinked away his own tears and set about to work the controls. And all that was hours ago. Hours with no news, no updates. Hours of uncertainty and endless what ifs. Scott and Jaal sat side by side at the bridge, each locked within the prison of their minds. 

Jaal’s fingers rapped against the controls as a heavy sigh escaped his lips again. “She’s strong, she’ll make it,” he muttered. “They’ll make it.”

Scott wasn’t sure if Jaal was reassuring him or he was trying to convince himself. He stretched his hand across the gulf between them and rested it on Jaal’s shoulder. “They’ll make it,” he repeated. 

* * *

Lexi and Aeyor were all prepped as the Tempest made the final approach to Meridian. They knew every single minute counted. Lexi’s glanced at the monitors one more time. Everything looked as well as could be expected. The thin sheet covering Ryder was the only protection shielding her against the very public scrutiny outside the sanctuary of the Tempest. _Maybe nobody would recognise her. Maybe Mayor Dunn managed to keep things quiet._

The Tempest shook as the docking procedures began. Aeyor triggered the privacy screen over both Ryder and Cora. As soon as the ramp was down, Lexi, Aeyor, Suvi and Wrench wheeled the two gurneys as gently but quickly as possible to the medical centre. 

* * *

Scott and Jaal ran. They pushed passed the docking officers and blew past the barriers. Liam and Peebee were hot on their heels. Vetra volunteered to stay behind to handle the paperwork. She understood the urgency they felt, she felt the same. Vetra suppressed a shudder at the thought if Sid’s life was hanging in the balance. The best she could do to help was to get the paperwork settled. 

“No running,” one of the nurses hissed as Scott skid around the corner. 

Scott didn’t stop. Jaal on the other hand stopped to apologise but took off running again. Dex waved his hands at them. Scott quickened his pace. “How… How…” he asked through laboured breaths. 

Suvi looked ashen while Dex’s mandibles were pulled tight against his face. The white husky was lying right outside a set of large double doors. Scott had seen the dog guarding Sara’s door in exactly the same way back at Wrench’s place. Jaal neared the door trying to peer through the frosted glass windows. Kiba growled. The angara turned to Dex and demanded, ”Where’s Sara?” 

Dex pointed at the double-doors. “They took her in there. It’s been hours.”

“How is she?” Jaal asked, his voice shook as if afraid of the answer he’d received. 

Suvi shook her head, her knuckles white from the strength of her grip. Dex’s eyes glanced from Jaal to Scott and then to the closed doors. “She was bleeding so badly when we pulled her out of the rubble,” he said, his subharmonics going wild. “I tried… I really tried to go as fast as I could.”

Dex slumped onto the chair and keened softly. Kiba perked her head up and whined as well. Suvi wrapped her arms around the young turian and held him. Peebee went immediately to Suvi’s side and held her. Liam sank onto the floor and closed his eyes. His sigh was heavy and tired.

Jaal looked as if he was going to shake more details out of the turian when Drack lumbered into view. “Scott!” he called. “Come.”

Drack didn’t wait and turned back the way he came. Scott ran after him. Jaal followed. The krogan walked down the corridor confidently before stopping abruptly at a door. Scott sided stepped around Drack to stop himself from colliding into his armoured back. 

Wrench was leaning outside the door. She straightened when she saw Drack. They exchanged a nod and she left, heading back the way they came. 

It was obviously a door leading to a patient’s room. Scott stared at the door then at Drack. Drack’s brow ridges clashed together. “What are you waiting for? Get in there,” he growled and gave Scott a little push. 

Drack didn’t bother to see what Scott would do, he turned his attention to Jaal. “Come,” he called. 

Drack sat Jaal down and he started catching the angara up to speed. Scott watched. His heart thudded. The medical centre sounded too quiet and noisy all at the same time. His heart felt torn, between his sister and his love. His hand hovered in the air just mere centimetres away from the holo-lock. Drack broke off from his conversation with Jaal. “Scott,” he growled. 

If anything Scott thought Drack sounded weary and heartsick. All the resentment Scott and Drack might feel towards Jaal, towards the actions, inactions, unspoken words and everything else in between fell away. Their hearts hurt the same way, ached for both women and raged against the same people. 

Scott looked at Drack, then at Jaal. “She needs you,” Drack rumbled, his words almost too low to make out. 

Drack’s words were like a jolt into his system. Squaring his shoulders, Scott pressed his palm against the holo-lock and the door slid open. Two steps and he was in. The door slid shut behind him, sealing the outside world away. His eyes went straight to the figure lying on the bed. Sheets pulled to her chest, covering who knew what hurts, what wounds. His eyes traveling the short distance between her chest to her face, Scott found the familiar face bruised, swollen and darkened by hurt and grief.

His breath caught in his throat. Scott didn’t realise it was possible to feel his heart being crushed. It’s sore, it’s heavy. Scott could feel every single laboured beat. His feet bridged the distance between them instantly. 

She turned her head towards him as he sank into the chair next to her bed. Hazy hazelnut eyes met his. She blinked once, twice and thrice, before widening with recognition. “Scott,” she whispered through chapped lips. 

Her face crumpled. “Scott…” her voice breaking this time. 

His heart squeezed harder. He wrapped his arms as gingerly as he could around her. Cora rested her forehead on his shoulder. Her body shook as she sobbed, whispering apologies all the while. 

* * *

It was the silence that got to Jaal. It was heavy, like a pall with weight. The silence of anxiety, of uncertainty and of dark roads. It threatened to drag him down into depths of black nightmares. He couldn’t stand it. His mind was the race track where thoughts chased itself around and around, getting nowhere fast. He needed something to fill his ears, he didn’t care what. His finger stabbed at his omni tool, picking a song at random. There was nothing but her music there. 

_I don't know what_   
_You're going through_

The bated breath of silence beaten back by plunked strings. 

_But there's so much life_   
_Ahead of you_

A voice sang and it kept his bleak thoughts at bay.

_And it won't slow down_   
_No matter what you do_

But everything reminded him of Sara.

_So you just gotta hold on_   
_All we can do is hold on, yeah_

It was hours but it felt like days, months, years. Time dragged on. Jaal glanced at the chronometer on his omni tool, time barely budged. Wrench and Dex were sitting on the floor having given up their seats to Liam and Gil. Peebee and Suvi has arms intertwined as they sought comfort in each other. Kallo milled around aimlessly, filled with all the jittery energy of caffeine. Vetra came with Drack walking behind her. She was the last to arrive. One look at the assembled crew told her everything she needed to know. She sighed and settled in for the wait. 

Drack had told him everything. He spared no details. For a while, Jaal wondered if Drack took a perverse pleasure in telling him this. He glanced at Drack, the usually stoic and steady albeit violence prone krogan had his eyes closed. His claws clenching and unclenching slowly. Drack was reliving every detail of the battle and rescue as he spoke. It was as painful for Drack to say as it was for him to hear.

Jaal jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, are you ok?” 

He turned and it was Scott. His eyes red rimmed as was the tip of his nose. “Are you?” Jaal replied. 

Scott slid into the chair beside Jaal. “I will be once she gets out of there,” he replied. 

“How’s Cora?”

Scott shook his head. “Physically she’ll recover. She may need surgery but the doctors are observing her to determine if she needs it. Emotionally, that’s going to take time,” he said. “Cora kept apologising to me as if it was her fault. It’s fucking not, hell’s bells, if Sara wasn’t in there. I’ll go strangle Tann with my own two hands now.”

“Count me in,” Jaal growled. 

Bit by bit, the pain and anguish was replaced by anger and fury. But Jaal remembered he had a hand in serving the injustice Sara had suffered. The trial, the words he had spoken, she had heard every single word. He sighed again and reined his emotions in. This wasn’t about him. This was about Sara.

Jaal prayed like he never did before. 

* * *

The doors opened. Sara was wheeled out, still unconscious. Her body covered with a sheet, a tube still shoved down her throat. The nurses wheeled her away without stopping. Scott followed Sara anxiously. The others hung back. Lexi and Dr. Carlyle were next to exit the operating theatre. Both of them pale and tired. Drack immediately went to Lexi. The asari doctor leaned into his arms, taking comfort in the contact for a moment. 

“How’s Sara?” Jaal asked. 

Carlyle sighed and looked at the assembled crowd. “She’s out of danger. We managed to seal up all internal lacerations and set all the broken bones. She will need time to recover and plenty of physiotherapy to regain her strength. As far as our scans can tell, she will suffer no brain damage but we won’t know for sure till she wakes up.”

He turned to Lexi and squeezed her shoulder. “You got to her in time. Sara has to thank you for her life.”

Lexi’s smile was watery at best. Though everything Jaal heard was great news but somehow Lexi’s expression worried him. 

“What is it?” he pressed. 

Lexi looked at Jaal. “We couldn’t save everything,” she said, taking a shuddering breath. “We had to amputate her left arm. It was crushed beyond repair. The cells were too damaged and deprived of blood for too long.”

**Lyrics taken from[Hold on by Shawn Mendes](https://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiRqpiRuYLZAhVKo48KHW3iDikQFggoMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Ftrack%2F57QjWVCZrHX1PXjcaMHPXH&usg=AOvVaw0_rxn9iDRLCXn5uwrEvIgG)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # Comments - End Notes
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	53. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder struggled. _What the fuck is she doing here?_
> 
> Sheets tangled her limbs as she inched away from Needles. _Please, please please!_
> 
> She can’t breathe. Her mismatched breaths fought against the ventilator. _Not this again._
> 
> Machines began to beep and screamed as her heart rate grew frantic. _The past nine months can’t be all a fucking dream. It’s not, it’s not!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the longest chapter ever yet. I've updated the tags again, so check it out just in case. I won't say i don't enjoy writing cliffhangers but there isn't one here so rest easy. I'm so happy to get all the comments. Thank you for commenting! I really appreciate it. :D
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Awareness crept towards her like a thief in the night. It started with her ears. Beeps and hisses dragging her from the depths of unconsciousness. Next, the vague sense of pain all over. It felt far away but it niggled at her, tugged at her, pulling her to the surface of true consciousness. 

Almost unwillingly she opened her eyes. They were heavy, like anchors weighing them down. Ryder managed. _I’m alive_

She had not expected to come back from the dark this time. She was sure this was it. Blinking the haze from her eyes, she made out a blurry white-clad figure approaching her. _Lexi?_

Reality slowly began to shape around her as her vision cleared. Her throat was dry and sore. Ryder tried to swallow but met resistance. There was a tube down her throat. Ryder coughed and it jarred the tube. Her eyes searched out for the figure. _Lexi, some help please._

It was horrible and absolutely uncomfortable. Ryder moaned in a bid to call for Lexi. There was no sound coming out from her throat. As the figure neared her, Ryder realised it wasn’t Lexi. Recognition slammed into her like a bolt of lighting. It was fucking Needles. Needles with her fucking syringes, her fucking stabs, her fucking biotics inhibitors. 

Ryder struggled. _What the fuck is she doing here?_

Sheets tangled her limbs as she inched away from Needles. _Please, please please!_

She can’t breathe. Her mismatched breaths fought against the ventilator. _Not this again._

Machines began to beep and screamed as her heart rate grew frantic. _The past nine months can’t be all a fucking dream. It’s not, it’s not!_

She had to get the tube out. It was choking her. _Not like this!_

Her entire left side felt too sore to move, she resorted to her right hand. The bed jerked and shook with her efforts. _Scott? Jaal? SAM!!_

Risking an attack by Needles she turned to see what’s holding her right arm down. It wasn’t the orange glow of an omni-cuff but a padded white restraint tying her hand to the bed. It was a cuff all the same no matter how soft it felt _I did leave. I did escape!_

Needles seemed to smirk at her. Ryder’s fear turned her instincts on. She did the only thing she knew. Reaching down the core of her being to call forth her biotics, she found nothing. Absolutely nothing. _No, no, no!_

Ryder gave up on fighting free from her restraint. She shook her head to work the tube free but it just choked her further. The incessant scream of monitors behind grew louder. _Why is nobody coming?_

Her vision was tunnelling. Needles did nothing. She stood and watched. _I got to get it out! Out!_

The door slid opened with urgency. Ryder almost cried at the sight of Lexi. She stared at her willing Lexi to read her mind. _Needles! I fucking got to get out! I got to go!_

Instead, Lexi clamped her hands down on her right arm. _No, no, no! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!_

It was fuel for Ryder to fight harder. It was Needles, it was the tube. It was everything and anything. Her instincts screamed for her to move, move, move! _Get it out! I’ve to get out!! Get out!!!_

Lexi was saying something to her but the roar of her own shortening breath was too loud. _Why isn’t Lexi helping me?_

Needles pressed her arms down on her shoulder. Ryder wanted to scream at the touch. It burnt. How it burnt to have her control stripped away like this. Ryder had to act quick. With her right arm trapped, her left was her only resort. It was still tangled in the blanket. Ryder jerked her body to work it free. It was bone-crunching, flesh ripping white-hot agony. Still, she struggled.

The blanket slid from her body, then the thin hospital gown that’s draped over her naked body followed quickly. Her left hand wasn’t restrained! Her heart soared at the realisation. Lifting her arm was fire but she had to get the tube out. _Faster! Faster! Faster!_

As her left arm cleared the confining materials, Ryder froze. It was the wrong length. Her left arm was shorter than she remembered. Her left arm wasn’t whole. It terminated at the elbow in a stump. 

_This is a nightmare. This must be a nightmare. Where is the rest of my fucking arm! It’s my fucking left arm for gods’ sake! Where is it?_

Panicked thoughts bounced around Ryder’s head with sharp edges and rending claws. All she could think about were Needles, the tube and her arm. She turned to Lexi, who was busy tightening her restraint. _Fuck, no! Not by Lexi!_ Ryder renewed her struggles with a ferocity she didn’t know she had in her. She screamed her fear and betrayal but no sound came. It was no more than muted moans and silent screams. Ryder stared at Lexi as darkness came again and she welcomed it with open arms. 

* * *

The look Ryder gave her was a lance straight through her heart. It spoke of one thing - betrayal. Lexi couldn’t stop to allow herself to feel, not now, not yet. As soon as the sedatives knocked Ryder out, she turned to the nurse. Her eyes widened as she recognized her. She was the one who had been administering Ryder’s biotics inhibitor while she was in custody. Regret flared in her chest. _I should have checked._

“What happened?” Lexi demanded.

“I don’t know!” the nurse exclaimed, softening her voice only after Lexi shot her a look. “The patient was due to wake so I was checking on her as per protocol. She just panicked and tried to pull her breathing tube out. That’s when you came. You saw her, I didn’t do anything.”

Lexi pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose. The nurse took advantage of the lull to quietly exit. She barely had much rest after the hours-long surgery. Her hands tugged the blanket loose so that she could check on Ryder’s… wound. It was with a sigh of relief that Ryder didn’t manage to reopen the amputation site. Gingerly she placed Ryder’s left arm down at her side. Lexi quickly pulled the loose medical gown back over her bare torso, covering the arm that used to be there. Ryder’s left arm, her dominant arm. Lexi’s breath hitched. “I’m sorry, Ryder,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I let you down.”

She and Harry had tried. They really did. Her arm was too damaged, the blood circulation cut off for too long, it wasn’t salvageable. They were barely able to save her leg. Medically Lexi knew what they did was sound, it was even necessary. Still, it was hard to see the look of utter betrayal in the eyes of someone who had trusted her. 

Even sedated Ryder’s face never lost the lingering fear. The machines beeping along their merry way, the frantic fight all but forgotten. That’s not the case for Lexi. As she pulled herself together, she checked to make sure all the tubes were still attached correctly. The urinary bag wasn’t in need of a replacement. The IVs were still properly seated on Ryder’s remaining whole arm. 

Maybe Lexi should be relieved that Harry had insisted the biotics inhibitor be administered, but Lexi felt it was another slice off the trust Ryder had for her, for them. Still, had Ryder had her biotics, who knew what would have happened? A blown out medical centre?

Lexi dragged her hand down her face. This wasn’t how she envisioned it to go. She wanted to break the news to Ryder gently. As least as gently as she could when telling Ryder she had lost her arm. Lexi knew even with cloning technology, losing a limb wasn’t a small matter. It wasn’t just the physical trauma of suddenly waking up with a missing limb but the emotional and physiological toll it took on a person. Lexi remembered learning that PTSD was common for traumatic amputations, Ryder already had that in spades. Adding a missing hand might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

Lexi took a shuddering breath, she had to be here when Ryder woke up next. Maybe this time, she could do it properly.

* * *

Ryder opened her eyes. The sensations were the same. The pain wasn’t so far away anymore. It was immediate like a possessive lover that refused to go away. Claws digging deep into her soul, feeding on the pain and anger that’s raging beneath her skin. 

The offending tube was still there. She remembered. _Needles!_ Her eyes darted around to scan the room. Needles was nowhere to be seen. However, her eyes rested on a familiar blue figure sleeping on a chair next to her. _Lexi._

Ryder couldn’t help it. There was anger. It surged from the pit of her gut. She was helpless and Lexi didn’t help. Lexi allowed Needles to put her hands on her. 

Ryder was never a religious person. Never was and probably never would be but that moment, she prayed. To everyone and everything, from the Great Spirits of the turians to the Goddess of the asaris, to the esteemed ancestors of the angaras. Slowly, Ryder rolled her head over towards her left. Her eyes slid from her shoulder down her arm. Every centimetre more a victory, a relief. Then, it stopped. It was a depression in the blanket. It was a void. 

Ryder’s breath hitched, her breath fought against the ventilator. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry but she was made mute by the breathing tube. Tears refused to come as she stared at the emptiness beyond her elbow. A figure approached. Ryder jerked her head back and realised it was her father. 

It was probably too much to hope that her father stayed gone after her latest trip into the pits of death. His eyes weren’t angry, he actually looked sad. He looked at her. Ryder blinked. Was it pity? Sympathy? She had no idea. Her rage grew. 

_It’s fucking unfair. I’ve given up everything. Every single fucking thing I cared about. Still, there was more to take._

Ryder swore she could still feel her arm. She felt pressure, so much weight on it. Her left arm hurt like it was crushed, still trapped in Kadara. _Did I leave it there?_

Reality was spitting back in her face. She had no left forearm. None. Resolutely she turned her head over to the right. Ryder wanted to flail her limbs if it wasn’t so heavy, so hard to do. She wanted to scream but all she managed was curling into herself as much as her wounds allowed. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. Still, the tears didn’t come. 

* * *

Lexi jerked awake as the first of the monitors started beeping. Without having time to rub the sleep from her eyes, she stood up and looked at Ryder. 

“Ryder,” the name a whisper on her lips. 

Her heart ached at the sight of her. Pushing her own emotions aside, Lexi approached the bed. “Hey Ryder,” she called. “Come on, I know it hurts. I’m so sorry. I really am. But please don’t do this.”

Ryder flinched back from her touch. Her eyes wild as she searched Lexi’s face. Emotions flicked through her eyes in quick succession before finally settling on anger. Lexi bit down on her lip. “I know you’re angry,” she started. “You can scream at me later. Please, you can’t breath if you fight the machine.”

She glanced at the monitors it was beeping wildly now. “I don’t want to sedate you any further. I want to get the tube out of you too.”

Nothing she said seemed to help, in fact, it was making Ryder fight harder. There was only one other thing she could think to do. Lexi took a deep breath. “I’m sorry but I am going to meld with you now. Please forgive me.”

“Embrace eternity,” she whispered, as she plunged both of them into the darkness of the meld. 

* * *

Ryder had her eyes opened. One moment she was on her back fighting a machine. The next Lexi dragged her into a meld. One that she wanted nothing of. 

But here in the meld, she could speak, there was no tube to stop her. Ryder averted her gaze from her left arm. She didn’t want to see, she didn’t want to know. Closing her eyes, Ryder could still feel it there. Flexing her fingers, curling it into a fist, clenching it hard and tight. All the sensations were right and she could feel it. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes. 

Looking down was the hardest thing she had ever done. More than fighting the Archon, more than having SAM taken away, more than fighting Obsidians. Slowly, Ryder dragged her eyes down her arm. 

The silence of the meld was loud. Her heartbeat thumping wildly in her ears as blood rushed to her head. Ryder gasped. Then she crumpled to the ground. Her remaining hand covering her face. 

In the emptiness of the meld, she screamed her heart out. 

Lexi watched. Allowing Ryder to vent her emotions however she wanted, in ways she couldn’t physically right then. Her heart broke and kept breaking with every renewed wail of injustice, of outrage, of grief. 

Lexi didn’t know how long it took. Time moved differently in the meld. Ryder was reduced to dry sobs. She approached Ryder. Bending, she wrapped her arms around Ryder’s shaking shoulders in an embrace. 

She was expecting Ryder to rage on, to hurl her fury at her, to even react violently. Ryder turned and returned the embrace. Burying her head into Lexi’s chest as she cried harder and harder. All Lexi could do was to hang on to her, whispering all her apologies into Ryder’s ear. 

* * *

It took two whole days after waking up before Ryder allowed Lexi to admit any visitors. It had done Ryder good to vent her emotions within the meld. Her physical body wouldn’t have been able to withstand the intensity. That would have meant reopened stitches, more pain and a longer recovery time. Of course, Ryder was also much happier after the breathing tube was removed.

Lexi spent those two days talking it through with Ryder. It wasn’t a counselling session by any stretch of the imagination. She was only informing Ryder what she could expect. Cloning a limb took time even as advanced medicine was, there’s only so much cell generation could be hastened. It would take weeks at the quickest. 

The Leadership were clamouring to speak to Ryder and Cora but Lexi and the others made sure none of them got access to either of them. It was suddenly like nothing could be done without their input. It was clear to Lexi, Ryder wasn’t in the headspace to make any decisions beyond her own care, maybe not even then. Cora would be in a better shape once her vision recovered, thankfully she didn’t require surgery to fix her broken eye socket. Cora needed rest and time to heal. 

Ryder’s first visitor was Scott. It had to be. He had been hounding Lexi day and night. Alternating between staying with Cora and pacing outside Ryder’s room. The moment Lexi gave him the green light, Scott turned hesitant. “Are you sure?” he asked. 

Lexi sighed. “She should be receiving visitors. She needs the support. It’s not doing her any good to isolate herself now,” she pointed out. “Just take it slow. She’s still pretty weak physically.”

Scott nodded and entered. Lexi followed, thinking it best to supervise her first real interaction with another person other than herself. “Hey,” he greeted. 

Ryder gave him a small smile. It was the best Lexi had seen since she woke up. Scott immediately sat down on the closest available chair which was on her left side. 

“Could you sit on the other side?” Ryder asked, reluctant to turn her head towards the left. 

Lexi looked up and glanced at the twins from the other side of the room. Ryder was gesturing to her right side. Scott looked confused but complied quickly. Lexi observed as discreetly as she could. “Thanks,” Ryder whispered hoarsely, her voice still raspy from being intubated. 

“How are you feeling?” Scott asked, his eyes taking his twin in. 

“Like I have a building fell on me,” she replied, laughing a little at her own joke. 

“Not funny, Sara,” he replied flatly, his eyes caught between relief and grief. 

Then, he made an exaggerated pouting face, his lower lip pushed forward as he forced the ends of his mouth downwards.

Ryder laughed albeit weakly. Her hand pressed against her torso where Lexi and Harry had cracked her opened to put her back together. “Don’t make me laugh,” she begged through her laughter. 

Scott just grinned back at her, happy to see a smile grace his sister’s face. It had been so long since one lifted her lips. 

After that, it was a steady stream of visitors. Ryder had insisted all of them to sit on her right. Most thought it hurt for her to turn towards the left. They weren’t wrong. After all, it wasn’t only her arm that was injured, it was her left femur and most of her ribs on her left side. Lexi knew it was more than that, it was avoidance. Ryder refused to look at her missing limb any more than necessary. She refused to talk about it beyond asking the status of the cloning process. Cleaning, re-application of medi-gel and dressing the wound was done with her face turned the other way. It was clear to Lexi that Ryder wanted to pretend it never happened. Once her cloned arm got re-attached to her, she’ll be as good as new. She wouldn’t have to process the amputation at all. Lexi sighed. 

* * *

After Scott, the others visited Ryder in a quick carousel. All of them tip-toed around her missing arm like it was a minefield. Truth be told, it was. Ryder avoided the topic like the plague, often ending the visit abruptly. 

Kallo, Gil and Liam came after Scott. They got to stand about helpless as Ryder struggled to feed herself one-handed, refusing all help. “I still have one hand,” she growled at them even as she spilt food all over the tray and down her gown. 

If the guys weren’t there Ryder would have swept the entire tray of food onto the floor. “I’m not hungry anyway,” she told them. 

The next day she begged Lexi for some ration bars instead. Vetra was there to witness that one. Teeth and one hand didn’t work so well ripping the packaging. Vetra watched and gestured her sharp talons at her. Ryder shook her head and went on trying. In the end, she was red-faced, tired and still fucking hungry. “Vetra, I’m tired, could you…” her voice trailed off. 

Vetra sighed and understood. She laid her talons gently on Ryder’s shoulder, squeezing once before leaving. The moment Vetra was out the door, she flung the ration bar as hard as she could against the wall. Her shoulders shaking in anger and shame as she fought not to scream in frustration. After that, Vetra started appearing during meal times with a smoothie for her. Ryder was grateful for that. It was something she could handle with no hands. 

Peebee and Suvi filled her in on the gossip around Meridian. “They say the mysterious patient in the medical centre, that’s you by the way, is Mayor Dunn,” Peebee said, her eyes bright with mischief.

Suvi raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend. “That’s not what I heard,” she countered. “I heard it was Sloane herself that was the mysterious patient.”

Ryder’s eyes darted between the two as they traded more and more outrageous rumours. She wasn’t quite sure if these were real rumours or just things they made up to entertain her. Their banter kept her distracted.

“That’s some wild rumours flying around,” she said. “As long as nobody says it’s the Bloody Blade they got in here, we’ll be fine.”

That shut the conversation down quickly. _Fuck, I’m getting good at that._ The silence stretched for a while before Peebee finally slapped her hand on her thigh and laughed. Ryder caught the look of concern the pair exchanged. She closed her eyes and leaned back onto the bed, pretending she never saw it.

* * *

Drack usually popped his head in every morning as he took over the guard duty from her angara night guard. Who it was she didn’t know but she was grateful for them. Vetra had told her of the Leadership’s repeated attempts at trying to see her. That piece of news only made her more exhausted. As was his routine, he palmed the door open and did a sweep of her room. “Drack you missed a spot,” she said. 

Drack cocked his head at her in confusion. “You haven’t checked under my bed,” she pointed out. 

He laughed. “You don’t have to do this you know, Drack. I’m sure the team has better things to do,” she went on. 

“Kid,” he said as he approached her left side, that set her teeth on edge. “You’re hurting in more ways than just the physical.”

Ryder flinched and turned her head away from her left. “It’s ok to hurt, to rest. You’ll stand up again when you’re ready. Meanwhile, it’s ok to lean on your krantt,” Drack rumbled, bending down to press his mouth to her forehead. 

Ryder blinked. It was the first time Drack had done anything like that. A lump formed in her throat. “Now, I’ve got to get back to my guard post. Those pesky politicians are really relentless.” 

Before she could properly react, Drack turned and walked out. 

* * *

Wrench and Dex’s visits were a study in contrast. Wrench was happy to sit and pass the time entirely in silence, something Ryder appreciated. Dex, on the other hand, didn’t do well with silences. After reassuring himself that she was indeed alive and as well as she could be under the circumstances, Dex almost vibrated from his need to speak. He went between his need to ask questions and his knowledge that she was in no mood to tolerate them. Instead, he filled her in with all the overheard bits of information. “Tann’s under house arrest here while he recovers from his wound,” he blurted. “The directors didn’t know what to do with him.”

Ryder listened mostly with half an ear. Somehow Tann didn’t seem so important to her anymore though she won’t deny herself the chance to strangle him if given some time in a room alone with him. _You can’t do that with one arm._

“You should let me stay here, that way I can protect you from those Nexus types. Drack and that angara had been guarding your door to keep those sneaky directors away. I can stay in here in case they got past them.”

Ryder grunted. The last people she wanted to see were the directors. _What on earth could they possibly want with me? Arrest me? I’d think giving my arm is service enough._

Wrench looked up from her omni tool and looked at Ryder. Wrench could probably read her face because she stood up abruptly and declared. “It’s time to go, Dex.”

“What? Why?” Dex stood confusedly. “We just got here.”

“No, it’s been two hours of you talking Ryder’s ear off. She’s tired.”

Dex glanced at her. His eyes still held the hero worship he had for her. Ryder withered little under the weight of his gaze, it was a little heavy for her to shoulder right then. “Yeah,” she managed to say. “I’m tired. 

“Ok,” he said, laying a tentative hand on her leg brace. “Rest well. I’ll see you soon.”

As they left, Wrench turned to Kiba and said, “No, you stay here.”

And that was that. Her room had turned into doggy all-day-care. Kiba was her constant companion. The husky guarded her empty left side. Either lying on the floor or snuggling next to her. 

The days were tough but most of the time she got through them with the help of the distraction of the day. It was nights that were the toughest. As drugged up on painkillers, her stump hurt more at night. Her nightmares returned in force. This time it wasn’t Vidal and his flask, it was waking up to missing limbs to realise it was a dream and waking up from that to find herself helpless and mute. It was layers and layers of waking and waking but never really truly opening her eyes to reality. Those nights she’d jerked into awareness. Somehow along the way, Ryder had learnt the art of not allowing her terror claw its way out through her throat. Before Kiba, it was the spectre of a father standing at the foot of her bed that she woke up to. It would invariably trigger her fight response. Sending her further into a knee-jerk reaction when she couldn’t summon her biotics, it was a horrible cycle that left her unable to sleep and completely exhausted. Her temper shorter in the day and she’d lost her appetite. With Kiba around, she’d bury her face into her soft fur. Ryder unloaded all her fears and rage as she clung to the husky. Kiba accepted it all without judgement, without pity.

* * *

The door slid open and Ryder looked up. “What happened to your face? I don’t remember that bruise. Did you fall in the past week or so?” she asked. 

Cora grimaced as she entered, her hand went straight to the bruise that radiated out from her right eye. “That,” she gestured towards her face. “Was courtesy of Raeka back in Kadara.”

Ryder nodded, remembering her own fight with Raeka. Idly, she realised she hadn’t asked about the aftermath. She didn’t know what happened to Raeka, Evfra or any of the Leadership. Did they all make it? Was it all worth it? She sighed as her thoughts strayed leftwards. Ryder was quick to rein her thoughts back in. 

“What exactly happened after… well, you know,” she asked. 

Lexi had told her they spend more than 20 minutes trying to restart her heart. _That makes it my what? fourth death? It never gets easier._ That number sounded so impossibly long. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it. Sometimes Ryder wondered if she was even truly alive. Confined to her hospital bed, with tubes carrying her waste away, a nasal cannula helping her with additional oxygen as her punctured lung recovered, painkillers administered through the IVs and still not allowed her biotics, it felt too far away right then.

Each time she flirted with death, she came back lesser than she was before. Ryder felt impossibly hollow inside. 

Cora sat down and sighed. “Scott’s been handling things while we’re both out,” she said. 

“He’s your second, that’s his job anyway,” Ryder pointed out, knowing her brother had been running himself ragged. 

“Lexi’s discharged me two hours ago and it’s back into the fray,” Cora groaned. “You’d think after foiling a major attack by a terrorist cell, we’ll get cut some slack.”

Ryder snorted. “No rest for the wicked.”

“Tell me about it,” Cora shrugged. “They had found the Cetus chip on Raeka as well. For now, she is wearing a version of your collar as a precaution while Kandros sends an APEX team to secure the Perseus base at the Remav system.”

Ryder nodded, listening only with half an ear. “Ryder, they got Siegfried, Evfra and Kandros have been questioning him,” Cora went on. “We’ve got Perseus by the neck.”

“Yeah?” Ryder sighed. “That’s great.”

“I’d thought you’ll be happy,” Cora said, frowning a little even as her heart sank. 

“I am, I really am,” Ryder insisted. “It’s just…”

Words failed her. Her jaw clenched as she tried to sit up but the brace wrapping her entire left leg made it hard. The missing left forearm didn’t help either, throwing her balance off. Cora made to help her but she shook her head. Stubbornly she struggled.

Cora leaned over and adjusted the bed controls. “Ryder, you’ve got to learn to lean on others. It’s not a virtue to tough it out.”

Ryder sighed. Kiba thumped her tail on the floor as if agreeing. She muttered her thanks as if the words were hoarded gold. 

“Enough of work,” Cora declared, instead she gestured towards Ryder’s leg. “I heard you had some upgrades.” 

“Yeah, Lexi told me they used a heavy bone weave to put my leg and ribs back together,” she said. “Pity they couldn’t…”

Her voice trailed off, her head leaned towards her left before hastily jerking it away. The mental wound rawer than the physical one. “Cora, I’m tired,” she said, her voice pleading. 

That was her go to excuse now. Ryder planned to use it as long as she could, preferably until she had her new hand. She didn’t want to think about, deal with it or even acknowledge it. Her mind wouldn’t let her, her body wouldn’t allow it. She was forced to remember that she lost her fucking left arm every single time she wanted to rub her scar, every single time when she try to eat, every single time when she wanted to shift. Everything and anything. Ryder clenched her right hand, trying not to fling something at the wall. 

Cora’s jaw twitched as she reached out to grab Ryder’s hand. She saw the burning anger, grief and most of all shame that crossed Ryder’s face before her mask slammed down. Cora squeezed it. “Hey it will be ok,” she said. “You’ll be fine.”

Ryder didn’t meet Cora’s eyes. 

“Ryder,” Cora called. “Look at me.”

She clenched her jaw and lifted her head. Her brown eyes meeting Cora’s hazelnut eyes. “We have your back. No matter what,” Cora said, tightening her grip on Ryder’s hand. “I won’t say it doesn’t matter because you can clone a new arm. It matters. It all does.”

Ryder’s clenched jaw started quivering. The lump in her throat choked her, words she never wanted to speak crowded her mouth. The barrier that creaked under the pressure of her thoughts even as the embers of her heart lay cold and silent. A sob wracked through her body. 

“It’s not fair,” Ryder whispered as she squeezed her eyes shut. “It’s fucking unfair.”

Cora bit her lip and pulled Ryder into a hug. “I know,” she said. 

Ryder bunched Cora’s shirt as her fingers curled into a fist. Cora’s words pulled the barrier down a little more. 

“I want my arm back…”

“I know…”

“I fucking hate being here…”

“I know…”

Every single second Cora held her, every “I know” from Cora dragged her barriers crashing down. With each confession, Ryder shook and dry sobbed harder while Cora’s arms tightened around her. 

“I’ve given and given, Cora. I’ve got none left.”

“I know…” 

Words poured from her lungs. Every admission was the frigid ice of Voeld, every divulgence was howling winds of a Remnant vault, all warmth was dragged from her. The mask was gone. Her flaws and fears were laid bare. She opened her eyes and from over Cora’s shoulders, she saw her father - the perfect soldier, the N7 hero. _And I’m the daughter that tarnished his reputation and did such a fucking bad job. I fucking brought this upon myself, upon Heleus._

“I shouldn’t have been Pathfinder.”

Cora stiffened before saying, “No, don’t say that.”

“You’d done a better job,” Ryder went on without listening to a word Cora said. “You have done a better job.”

“No, no, no.”

Ryder’s jaw clenched as she tried to hold back her final confession, to speak it was too revealing, too exposing. 

Her father stared at her, standing proudly in his armour. Ryder buried her face into Cora’s shoulder. His gaze too knowing, too judging for her. 

“I should have died,” she whispered, her words were winter, were wind and ice as all heat and energy left her.

“No,” Cora broke the embrace and looked at her. 

Ryder ducked her head, Cora’s gaze a little to like her father’s. 

* * *

“No,” Cora repeated, more forcefully. “You should not. You should not!”

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut. Her shoulders shaking again. Cora’s heart ached, how it ached for Ryder’s sake. _How cruel for Heleus treats its heroes so. Every hero has their breaking point._

“Ryder… Sara, you can’t say that, ever! You deserve life. You deserve happiness. I’m sorry this happened but you can’t ever think that. Never!” 

Cora dragged Ryder back into her embrace. Her hug fierce and protective over the unsung hero that the cluster had asked too much of. 

“I’m sorry, Sara,” Cora cried into Ryder’s hair. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have removed my helmet. I should have woke up earlier. I should have known earlier, after Havarl. I was your second, it was my job to take care of you, to look out for you.”

Ryder’s fingers dug into Cora’s back. “No, it’s not your fault. It’s not… You heard Siegfried this was before the Archon, this was because of my own incompetence. This was all my own fucking fault.”

They clung to each other as they fought to keep their head above the raging sea. 

* * *

Ryder felt a little better after Cora’s visit. She was lighter, clear-headed after that. Maybe it was news from Scott that they had a working method to safely remove the Cetus chip. Rix had volunteered to undergo the procedure first. “You are scheduled to be the last. That way you’ll have the maximum time to recover before undergoing the surgery. Lexi and Harry would have perfected the procedure by then,” Scott said. 

Ryder nodded. It was the first piece of news that she was truly happy to receive. Short of them telling her she’d be getting a new arm that day, she couldn’t be happier. Her hand ran over the collar that’s still secure around her neck. “I can’t wait to be rid of this thing,” she said. 

Scott nodded. He didn’t stay long that day. He and Cora were busy with cleaning the mess Tann and by extension she had made. Ryder wished him luck as he left her room. Later that day, Dex appeared one day with a gift. “I was told to give you this,” he said as he slid an omni tool cuff towards her. 

“Who?” Ryder asked. 

“SAM,” Dex replied. “I think he wants to speak to you.”

Ryder was at a loss. She couldn’t pull on the cuff onto her arm with just one arm. The familiar anger and shame surged through her chest, pulling it tight. It must have shown on her face. Dex quickly added. “I’ve made it voice command enabled. It will learn your voice quickly enough after that others won’t be able to use your omni tool.”

He reached around and tapped on the interface to pull up the voice activation protocol. Ryder took a deep breath and tried to let go of her anger. Pretty soon, it was all set up and Dex left her alone. 

“Sara,” SAM said. 

“Yeah SAM, what’s up?”

Kiba cocked her head at the voice coming through the omni-tool. Ryder leaned over and dragged her stump over her fur, enjoying the odd tactile sensation it felt over the bandages though it hurt. 

“How are you?” he asked. 

She sighed. “Healing I guess. I want out of the bed. I’m done peeing out of a tube.”

Ryder straightened up, her torso protesting against the odd posture. “The Leadership intends to seek your testimonial regarding the disposition of Tann,” SAM said. 

Tann’s name stung. Her mood soured rapidly. “So business is it then, SAM?”

“Yes and no,” SAM replied. “I’ve observed Cora’s visit with you. I fear my lack of a physical body makes me ill-equipped for your needs.”

 _Damn._ “Sorry, I just…” 

“You’re feeling lost at the moment,” SAM completed her sentence.

“Yeah, when did you get so good at reading my mind?”

“I wasn’t reading your mind, Sara. I had the time to study the way you think from within and without.”

Ryder remained silent, turning SAM’s words over in her head. “You need closure, Sara. Tann’s disposition would give you that.”

“Why?”

“Why what Sara?”

“Why do they need my testimonial? I’ve worked this hard specifically to find hard evidence so that my testimonial isn’t required,” she said as she ran her hand through her hair. 

“Yes but that isn’t completely true. Based on your actions, you could have easily gone to the Leadership with the evidence you got from Reyes Vidal or the vid that Cora had found.”

“True but that’s pointless without a Leadership to present it to,” she pointed out. 

“Kesh and Kandros would have sufficed.”

That snapped her mouth shut. Her jaw clenched. “You deserve your chance to tell your side of the story. The Leadership is giving you that. They owe you that if nothing else.”

Ryder’s head started to pound. This was messy. She had tried so hard to make sure it’s clean. Maybe they got Perseus by the neck like Cora thought but Ryder wasn’t quite so optimistic. They were barely scratching the surface. This was a monster of her own creation. She might be flattering herself, Ryder couldn’t be sure. Maybe Perseus might be a monster waiting for their turn on the stage and she was merely the scapegoat. She raised her stump towards her throbbing head only to let it fall again. It felt like a trap. _There must be a catch somewhere. What’s the fucking catch?_

“As far as I can tell, their intentions are genuine,” SAM said, maybe reading where her thoughts would lead, maybe not. 

“Regardless, I’m not doing anything till I get my new arm.”

Then a sudden thought occurred to her. “They're not holding my arm hostage right?”

“The Nexus is not paying for your cloned arm but they are footing the bill for your hospital stay,” SAM replied. 

Ryder hummed. “So who’s paying for the cloning? I’m broke. I scavenge for a living, you know.”

“You’re paying for it.”

“I am?”

“Yes, from the joint account you have with Scott. Your endeavours at scanning angara, kett and remnant tech along with marking out mineral deposits have been yielding good credits in your account.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow at the omni tool. “Really?”

“Yes Sara,” SAM reassured. “Scott said he’s not paying a single cent for your arm. It’s all coming out of your half of the money.”

Ryder snorted. “I expect nothing less. So when is the arm ready?”

* * *

“It’s been weeks,” a voice shouted from beyond her door. “What are you waiting for?”

Ryder blinked sleep from her eyes. It was the third time that week she heard a commotion coming from outside her room. Was it too much to ask for a full night’s rest? If it wasn’t the nightmares, it’s the random jolts of pain from her stump, it’s this not subtle argument happening outside. 

Lexi had finally changed her dose of biotics inhibitors. She only had to get her shots before she slept so that she didn’t lash out from a nightmare or being startled awake. Ryder understood but it didn’t make her any happier receiving shots. There were other methods of administering the drug but nothing that worked for her. Maybe it’s the Cetus chip that’s messing things up. Ryder had no clue. 

Lexi came the day before. “Your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. The others have recovered well from their procedures. We had to remove the Pathfinder implant along with the Cetus chip so it’s likely we’ll have to remove your biotic amp as well.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever. Anything to get the fucking thing out of my head,” Ryder said. “I can’t wait to be rid of this collar too.”

She smiled. “I’m glad you’re in better spirits,” Lexi remarked. “Before you ask, yes the cloning is right on schedule. Once you’ve recovered from the procedure we should be able to proceed with the re-attachment.”

She leaned back against the bed before tentatively looking at her stump. Lexi kept quiet, afraid any noise would startle Ryder out of her first big step forward. She stretched her right hand over and dragged it over the stump as if fascinated, she winced at the contact. “You know I can still feel it,” Ryder said, still touching her stump. “It hurts sometimes like it’s on fire.”

Lexi nodded but kept quiet. The moment passed when Ryder jerked her hand away. The doctor looked at her patient. Her colour had returned, her lung had recovered well so she didn’t need any extra oxygen. Ryder still had a catheter in mainly because her leg was still in the brace making it impossible for her to get to the toilet on her own but that’s due to come off soon too. Lexi couldn’t imagine three weeks ago Ryder was for all intent and purposes dead in her med-bay. Humans, especially this one, were tenacious in their will to live. “So what’s next to Sara Ryder after all this is said and done?”

Ryder pursed her lips as she frowned. It never occurred to her that she had a future to think about. Like she had told Wrench so long ago, Ryder truly didn’t see a future for herself. She smiled her lop-sided smile. Lexi returned it when she saw it reached Ryder’s eyes. She shrugged. “I don’t have to decide anything now. I’ve got time.”

“That you do, get some rest. Tomorrow is the big day.”

* * *

Ryder knew her biotics inhibitors were still in effect because she tried to Push her pillow at the door to shut the commotion up. The pillow never moved. She sighed. 

“Just get in there,” the loud voice rumbled. 

Ryder guessed that’s probably Drack. Then there was at thump like someone was pushed against her door. She resolutely closed her eyes and tried to sleep, she had a fucking big day tomorrow, she definitely didn’t need this. Ryder heard her door swished open but she stubbornly kept her eyes closed. 

Kiba started growling. She could feel someone hovering on her left. Ryder resisted the urge to curl away. 

A low rumble vibrated the air. “Sara.” Her name danced across the silence of her hospital room. “I’m sorry.”

The stillness in the room broken by a ragged breath. Ryder opened her eyes and saw a familiar purple face. “Did I wake you?” Jaal asked tears were standing in his eyes. 

Ryder shook her head, she winced as she twisted to pet Kiba. “Hush, Kiba. It’s fine.” 

The husky seemed satisfied with the touch and settled down. Jaal grimaced as his eyes’ dropped to her stump. Ryder’s jaw clenched. “What are you doing here?” her voice came out harsher than she intended. 

Jaal looked away. Neither spoke and the stillness returned. Ryder sighed and levered to sit up. She’s gotten good at it though it was still awkward. Jaal was torn. His hand stretched out to help her but it hovered uselessly in indecision. In the end, she got herself up and he looked ashamed and grief-stricken. 

“Jaal,” she said. “Come on, you’re here now. Why don’t you sit down?”

Ryder gestured at the chair on her right. She studied the angara. The last time she saw him they promised each other a talk. That was before she lost a fucking arm. The anger and rage came back at the thought. Jaal shuffled over to the chair, looking like he wanted to bolt. 

“Why are you apologising?” 

Jaal kept his head down as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Fuck it, Jaal. Did you intend to come in and talk to me while I was sleeping?” Ryder demanded, getting pissed. “Is it you guarding my door for the past three weeks?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice low and soft.

“What are you apologising for?” Ryder asked again, her hand fingering the collar at her neck. 

“Your arm, your near death, your exile, everything,” he said, lifting his eyes to meet hers. 

Tears welling up in his blue eyes while her brown ones had been dry for a long time. Ryder frowned. She knew he carried guilt about her situation, about the way he reacted but to take on the blame like this was taking away her agency in the situation. “Jaal Ama Darav,” she said, voice raising and stern. 

Jaal sat up straighter in his chair, almost ready to snap her a salute angara style. “You’re flattering yourself to think this is your fault. How is it your fault? Did nobody tell you the origins of Perseus?”

His eyes flickered away from her face, turning inwards. “Evfra told me. They were the remnants of Knight’s group.”

“Precisely. So how is it your fault? There’s no fault to be shared here,” she said, finger stabbing to make her point. “If there’s any, it’s mine. My failure as Pathfinder. My failure to find another way to diffuse the situation with Knight. My failure to rid Heleus of Perseus before it even started.”

“No, you can’t say that,” Jaal interrupted. 

Ryder pressed on regardless. “I should be the one apologising. I’m sorry for tearing down everything we’ve built,” she said, anger and shame shining in her eyes. 

“My actions almost turned our species against each other. It was one step from blowing up in our collective faces,” Ryder jerked her eyes away from Jaal’s. The sincerity she found there burnt. “I practically turned the Milky Way species into the kett.”

“My failure, my arm to lose. It’s fine. I’m fine,” her right hand clenched tight and it pounded against her thigh to punctuate her words. “It’s. My. Fucking Failure.”

Jaal clamped his hand over hers. “Stop, Sara,” he begged. “Please stop.”

Her muscles were taut under his hand. His hand was bare and there was a low-grade buzz of his bio-electricity travelling up her arm. The buzz no longer elicited the flight or fight response, instead, it was familiar, comforting. “Sara, you can’t blame yourself, just like I can’t blame myself,” Jaal said. “It’s…”

Words failed him. _Probably because what I’ve said is true._ Ryder thought darkly. She forced herself to relax and let the pent-up breath out through her mouth with a sigh. Jaal loosened his grip on her hand but was unwilling to relinquish it. “May I?” he asked, his hand still in the barest contact with hers. 

Ryder looked up at Jaal. His eyes boring into her soul, radiating his care. Mutely she nodded. His arms enveloped her. Her body was stiff at first but eventually, she relaxed. Her head nestled under his chin. His hand brushed against her scar and she shivered. With her eyes closed, Ryder said, “Be there tomorrow.”

“Your surgery?” he asked, the question vibrating his chest. 

“Yes. Please.”

“I will,” he said, his hand searching for hers.

Ryder laced her fingers through his, taking comfort in the touch. “I will always be there. I don’t want any more regrets,” Jaal said. “As a friend, in whatever form you’re comfortable with.”

Ryder turned her head to bury it in his rofjinn. She took a deep breath, taking in his scent. The familiar earthy musk, the heat radiating from his chest, the rumble in his chest as he spoke. She missed it. 

“I don’t know where we will go from here but you’ll always be my friend,” she said, speaking into his chest. “Be there tomorrow, as my friend.”

“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	54. Safe hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she left her hospital room for the first time in weeks, her eyes were filled with her friends. _All of them are here. Don’t they have better things to do? Don’t they have a Leadership to put back together?_ Ryder heard something thumping against her hover chair. She looked down and found Kiba trailing next to her chair, her tail hitting her chair with each wag. She bent over to the side and gave her a good head scratch. Dex had his mandibles spread out in a smile. “It’s time you get off your ass, Ryder. We have some training to catch up on,” he said, lifting his talon up in a human high five. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all your comments and kudos. I really appreciate it. This is probably considered a fluffy chapter by my standards? Let me know what you think.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Lexi was disconnecting her from the tubes that teetered her to the bed. Ryder sat and watched. Moving when instructed but mostly sitting passively, observing. Jaal was there as promised, as was Scott. Ryder could hear the others chatting and shuffling outside her door. “Why is everyone out there?” Ryder asked, rubbing her sandy eyes. “I really don’t need an audience for this.” 

“It has taken all my persuasion prowess to make sure they’re not all in here,” Scott pointed out. “Besides this is a big thing, you’re finally getting rid of that damned chip.”

Ryder smiled. “Yeah,” she agreed. “It’s a long time in the coming.”

Lexi motioned towards her collar, “I’m going to remove that.”

She stiffened, a fear coming over her. “Is it safe to do it now?”

“None of the others had an episode since the Cetus chips got deactivated. Kandros have people there combing through the intel so that we can remove the chips from everyone who got implanted. It’s safe enough,” Lexi said. 

“Ok, let’s do it,” she said, “The collar chafes.”

With deft hands, Lexi unclasped the collar from around her neck. The long metal pins, however, were still connected to her amp. “It’s going to sting,” Lexi warned. 

“Do it.”

Without preamble, Lexi pulled the collar from her neck, the connector slid out of her flesh. Ryder hissed, curling into herself. Scott took three steps and came to her side. His hand around her shoulders to steady her. Jaal hovered close by. Lexi tossed the collar to the tray prepared. It fell with a clank. Despite the pain, Ryder felt lighter and freer. It was a weight off her neck literally and figuratively. It was only at that moment, Ryder felt she might actually get her life back. Things weren’t going to be bleak forever. _I can be back in control. Again. I will be. I’m not disappearing ever._

Ryder flinched as the cold medi-gel touched her skin. “Done,” Lexi declared. 

A thought occurred to Ryder. “You’ll get my cuff implants out too?” she asked. 

Lexi nodded. “We’ll do that once we get the chip out.”

“Hang on to the chip for me, will you?” Ryder said. 

Scott raised his eyebrows at her. “A keepsake,” she explained. 

“Really? You want that as a keepsake?” Scott asked. “Sure, whatever you want.”

Ryder’s lips curled into a smile that was looser, easier than ever before. Allowing herself to hope, to look forward to the future again. “I’ll be a free woman by the end of the day, huh?”

Scott grinned at her even as his hand tightened around her shoulders. “Of course you are, freest there ever will be.”

Lexi got down to business. She motioned at the gurney next to her bed. “All right, we have to get you prepped for the surgery,” she said. 

Ryder looked at the gurney and grimaced. “Can we not do the gurney? I’d prefer to walk,” she said as she gestured towards her leg brace. “Seeing as I can’t seem to do that quite yet. Can I go in a hover chair instead?”

“Your leg brace can come off but I don’t think your muscles can take your new weight quite yet. After all, you’ve been sitting on your ass for three weeks.”

“Are you really commenting on my weight? I didn’t eat all that much,” Ryder pointed out. “Actually I’ve lost weight.”

Scott sniggered while Jaal managed to look confused. “I’m actually referring to your bone weave. It adds quite a bit of weight. Your muscles would have atrophied a little from three weeks of enforced inactivity.”

Lexi left her room to secure a hover chair. Ryder started pulling at the straps that were holding the brace tight around her leg. With Scott’s help, the straps were no match. Ryder sighed as fresh air danced across on her skin. It was like stepping out of a cage. Tentatively she bent her knee a couple of times, expecting pain but finding none. “As good as new,” Ryder declared. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her father hovering behind her brother. Her heart sank a little. _I can get rid of the chip, the collar, the cuff implants but I can’t get rid of the ghost that’s following me everywhere. There are more things wrong with me than those caused the chip._

“You should have let us sign your brace,” Scott said, pulling her thoughts back to him. 

She chuckled but this time it didn’t reach her eyes. Scott didn’t have to worry needlessly. She punched him lightly on the arm. The door slid open and a nurse entered with a hover chair. Ryder’s face darkened when she realised who the nurse was. _Needles._ “No,” she growled. “Not you.”

Scott was quick to take the hover chair from Needles. Her thinly-veiled fear clear on her face. Ryder opened her mouth to warn Scott away but her mouth went dry. “Jaal, can you help her?” he asked.

Jaal positioned himself to block her view of Needles while Scott ushered Needles out of the room. Ryder blinked, looking down at her clenched hand. She forced herself to breathe evenly. “Are you all right, Sara?” he asked, his eyes trying to catch her evasive ones. 

Her jaw twitched as she flattened her hand against her thigh. “I’m fine,” Ryder said, her voice wavering. “I’m fine.”

It sounded hollow to her ears. Her heartbeat thundering in her ears. Ryder didn’t understand it. Why would the sight of Needles be all it took to drive her into a near panic? Being taken apart by the sight of a single person wasn’t what Ryder expected. After everything she had been through why would Needles tear her down like this? _For fuck’s sake, I’ve disabled her while I had a hole in my head. What the fuck is wrong with me?_

She squeezed her eyes shut trying to purge the image of Needles from the back of her eyelids. Jaal waited patiently but kept near. Ryder could feel the heat radiating from him. His proximity helped ground her. Opening her eyes, she found Jaal looking at her, clear concern on his face. “I’m fine,” she repeated, this time she was more convinced of her words. 

Ryder scooted on her butt towards the bed’s edge, pushing herself into the hover chair. Without her left arm as a support, Ryder lost her balance. With a strangled yelp, she tipped towards the floor. Ryder raised her left hand to grab onto something. _Fuck!_ Her stump moved but there wasn’t a hand connected to the end of it. She pulled on her biotics and cursed, remembering Lexi given her a fresh dose of inhibitor minutes ago. _This is going to hurt._

Before she could crash onto the floor, she felt strong arms wrapped around her. Jaal cradled her in his arms, as he knelt between the bed and floor. “Are you all right?” he asked worriedly. “You didn’t hurt yourself?”

Ryder sagged in relief, she shook her head. “Thanks.”

Jaal shifted to take her entire weight and smoothly transferred her to the hover chair. “That’s a close one,” she laughed sheepishly.

“Your brother would kill me if I had let you fall off the bed.”

His face was close to hers. Ryder could smell him, his bio-electricity sent a tingle down her bare back, where the medical gown was pulled loose. The door opened and Lexi returned. She eyed them with narrowed eyes. “Am I interrupting?” 

Ryder shook her head. “Sorry, I had to send nurse Smith in. The medical centre is a little shorthanded today,” Lexi said as she tapped on her omni-tool. 

The hover chair started glided towards the exit. Ryder nodded. “Next time, give me a head’s up?”

Jaal tapped Lexi’s shoulder and they spoke while her hover chair moved on without them. Ryder sighed, knowing Jaal surly telling Lexi about her near panic attack. _Yes, more reason to keep my biotics away from me._

As she left her hospital room for the first time in weeks, her eyes were filled with her friends. _All of them are here. Don’t they have better things to do? Don’t they have a Leadership to put back together?_ Ryder heard something thumping against her hover chair. She looked down and found Kiba trailing next to her chair, her tail hitting her chair with each wag. She bent over to the side and gave her a good head scratch. Dex had his mandibles spread out in a smile. “It’s time you get off your ass, Ryder. We have some training to catch up on,” he said, lifting his talon up in a human high five. 

“You can bet on it,” Ryder replied easily, meeting his talon with her hand. 

Wrench didn’t say anything as usual. She squeezed her shoulder once. “See you in a bit.”

Ryder nodded. 

Peebee and Suvi were there “Guess what new rumours we’ve heard?” Peebee asked. 

“Oh no,” Ryder groaned. “Not this again.”

“You won’t believe it!” Suvi added. “It’s…”

“Stop, please.”

The three of them laughed at their shared joke. Liam was there with Gil and Kallo. “Ryder!” he greeted. “I’m planning another movie night.”

“We can reprise our roles!” Kallo pointed out. 

Gil laughed. “It’s movie night, not a stage play, Kallo,” he pointed out. 

“You get first dips for the movie choice,” Liam said. “Gil going to make popcorn.”

“Sounds great. Let me sleep on it?”

“Heh, funny,” Liam smiled. 

Vetra was standing with Cora. Ryder waved at them feeling like she was on a parade down the town’s main road. “Thanks for the smoothies, Vetra. They helped, a lot,” she said. 

“My pleasure, Ryder,” Vetra smiled. “We’ll be here. We’ll all be here.”

She nodded, her face split into a grin so wide her mouth ached. Cora bent down and whispered into her ear. “All these people are here for you, Ryder. You deserve this. You deserve all this and more,” she said. “Remember, you’re loved. And SAM says hi.”

Ryder tightened her grip on the armrest. Her jaw tightened and she willed herself to feel it, to see it and to believe it. _I am._

Drack was the last. He didn’t speak, he just walked with her, pushing Kiba out of the way with his bulk. The dog whined in protest. “Kid,” he said after walking some ways in silence. “It’s almost the end of the tunnel. You’ll get through this.”

Ryder nodded. “Thanks, Gramps. I needed this.”

Drack allowed her to move on without him. Ryder sat silently in her chair. Scott and Jaal flanking her, while her father walked ahead. It felt a little like when she had her Pathfinder implant removed but so different at the same time. She was alone then, she’s not now. It felt so final then. This time as distasteful it was to go under the knife again, it was the first step in the right direction.

She allowed herself to relax and be thankful for everything she had, everyone in her life. _It’s not that bad after all._

Lexi paused outside the large massive doors, ones she’d never seen before. Craning her neck she saw Scott’s and Jaal’s eyes darkened when they came to the doors. _Oh._ Her brother shook his head and squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

Ryder laced her fingers through his. “Yeah, I’ll see you,” she said. “Thanks.”

“Anything for my baby sister,” he said. 

Ryder rolled her eyes. She would have asked Scott in with her but she figured it’ll be too hard on him. As much as he wanted to protect her there were things she had to do alone. Jaal, on the other hand, was different. How? Why? Ryder couldn’t quite say. He’s not really a crew member anymore but yet not quite only a friend, as much as she told him the last time. Jaal was in between, a nebulous state she couldn’t name. 

Ryder turned and found Jaal gone. Her chest clenched a little. “I’ve sent him to scrub in,” Lexi explained. “You, on the other hand, got to get your head shaved.”

“Again?” Ryder mock-whined. 

“Yes again, it won’t be much. We just need to take a little bit off the back.”

She shrugged. “I need a haircut anyway.”

Lexi shook her head. “I don’t recommend having brain surgery as a way to have free haircuts.”

Ryder snorted. Eventually, she found herself in front of a mirror, not unlike the one where she ended up with half her head shaved. A nurse wielded the buzzer this time, not an APEX solider. She wasn’t cuffed to her hover chair and she was getting reconstructed not the reverse. Ryder bent her head forward to give the nurse access to the back of her head. “Could you take both sides off as well?” she asked. 

Lexi raised an eyebrow at her. “New me, new hairstyle,” she explained. 

The nurse obliged. “Ryder, just to let you know, you will have the breathing tube in again for the surgery. We will extubate you once we’re sure you’re breathing fine on your own.”

Ryder’s lip curled in distaste but she nodded. “We’ll be restraining your arm again,” Lexi went on. 

She froze. The dread, the fear came surging up again. Lexi bent down to look at her in the eye. “We can’t have you removing the tube on your own,” she said. “I promise I’ll be there when you wake up. Nurse Smith won’t be there.”

Ryder licked her suddenly dry lips. “Ok,” she said. “Just make sure she doesn’t come near me, ok?”

Lexi nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

Looking at her reflection in the mirror, admiring her new hairstyle. Her tattoo was still standing proud along her scar, now the right side of her head was shaved down as well. She’ll be able to tie the remaining hair in a stubby tail. Her eyes met Lexi’s through the mirror. Ryder nodded once. “I’m ready.”

* * *

It was an operating theatre like the previous one. Goosebumps flared across her skin the moment she laid eyes on the operating table. The chilly air forced her to suppress a shudder that ran down her spine. Memories threatened to drag her screaming and shouting into the past. _I’m not here to be a piece of meat. I’m not here to be manipulated, to be poked and probed, to be sliced and drilled into. I’m not. I’m not!_

Ryder lifted her eyes and found Harry there. His twinkling eyes the only thing visible behind his mask and cap. His eyes helped ground her in the present. The nurses inclined their heads at her. Ryder’s eyes narrowed. _What had they heard? It’s not like my involvement has been widely publicised. Or has it?_

Then, there was a rustling behind her as the door swished open and close. Ryder turned and gaped. “Jaal,” she called. “You…”

Ryder couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that erupted from her chest. Her hand flew to cover her mouth but there was no stopping it. 

“I look funny, Sara?” he asked, cocking his head.

It was a gesture she knew well. Ryder nodded and tried in vain to stop laughing. “You’re a walking paper mache,” she managed to say between her laughter. 

Jaal normally wore form-fitting leathers of the angara resistance. Now clad in surgeon’s scrubs he was more comical than formidable. He shook his head at her but was more amused than anything else. 

Her joviality vanished as the hover chair stopped next to the operating table. The laughter died in her throat. Her mind wrenched her back to another operating table. Remembered humiliation flooded her mind’s eye as her hand fell from her mouth. It clamped hard on the armrest. Ryder swallowed, finding her throat unbearably dry. Jaal’s touch pulled her back. “Sara, I’m here,” he reminded her. “Come back.”

Harry and the nurses moved to the side and gave them some privacy. Ryder looked at Jaal, her hand clutching his. He was the life buoy that’s keeping her afloat. Jaal didn’t speak, allowing her to gather herself again through the physical touch. Eventually, Ryder nodded. Her feet stepped off from the hover chair onto the freezing floor. With her right hand, she pushed off from the chair the way she normally would. “Shit,” she cursed as she tipped towards her left. _How long does it take to remember you only have one hand?_

Jaal was there to catch her again. “Sara, it’s not a crime to ask for help.”

“It’s a problem of mine.”

“I can tell,” Jaal said. 

One arm slid under her back while the other went under her legs. Ryder hung onto his neck by her only hand. A nurse retrieved the hover chair while he eased her onto the operating table. Ryder shivered at the contact of her skin on the hard table. Her arm refused to let go of Jaal’s neck. The nurses helped to undo the back of Ryder’s gown. “Sara, you got to let go,” Jaal said, amused. 

Ryder forced her fingers to relax, releasing Jaal’s neck from her grip. The nurses came with a large sheet to cover her body before removing her gown. Harry and Lexi moved in to start the procedure. 

With her back against the table and nothing but a sheet shielding her, Ryder was beginning to feel anxious again. Her vision was limited to just the mask pressed over her face and either Harry or Lexi hovering overhead. A warm hand touched her own. “I’m here,” Jaal said. 

Her heart overflowed with gratefulness as she clung to his hand. She remembered Lexi’s hand in her own the last time and how much it had helped steadied her. Jaal’s hand did the job just fine. When one of the nurses started to reposition her legs, Ryder flinched. _No, not again._

Lexi said something, Ryder couldn’t quite make out what. The hands left her legs alone. She started relaxing again. A strange sensation began stirring from her left hand, not her stump but her actual left hand. She turned her head to see. “Don’t move, Sara,” Harry said. 

The feeling was warm, hand shaped, in her left. Ryder willed her left hand closed. Her fingers curled around a larger hand than her, distinctly five-fingered. Skin rough and calloused from a life handling weapons. “Pa?” her voice came through muffled through the mask. 

Her father shifted into her view. His own hand outstretched towards where her left hand would have been. She tightened her grip on both her hands and both of them answered in kind. 

Harry popped into her field of vision. “Ryder, I’m going to start administering the general anaesthetic now. You’ll feel a sharp icy feeling travelling up your arm,” he said. 

Ryder blinked in acknowledgement. Her fingers tightened almost painfully so when the sensation came. Darkness crowded around her vision. _No, no, no. I can’t lose control. No…_ She fought and struggle, her eyes closing as she lost the battle. Then, warmth pressed against her forehead in the form of a pair of lips. A voice rumbled as she fell into darkness. “I’ll always be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	55. Reckoning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags updated. Do check.
> 
>  
> 
> _Leaves chapter here and runs away_
> 
>  
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Booted feet clomped down the corridor. The place was quiet and mostly empty save for busy nurses working. He moved easily through the place with its layout memorised. There’s no need to check his omni-tool. Making a detour to the agreed upon location, he found the metal medical cart.

His lips curled at the edges as he picked up the syringe and vial arranged neatly on top. Fingers wrapped around the vial, he shook it and listened to the liquid swished around inside. Satisfied it wasn’t empty, he slid both into his pocket. The vial clinked against another small glass flask in his pocket.

The shiny surface of the cart caught his attention. His good eye flashed to the large scar over his bad one. His teeth creaked as he clenched his jaw. Taking a deep breath, he ran his hands over his clothes. Giving his shirt a final tug, he straightened his back. His heels turned smartly and he continued walking down the corridor. 

He was here. The door was as unimpressive as the others he had passed but his body quivered at the sight. It was, after all, his destination. Glancing at the empty chair positioned just outside, his mouth opened into a feral grin. He was promised a quiet… _(well quiet is a relative term.)_ 30 minutes with her. His mind caught fire. _Her. Her! HER!_ His shaking hand went straight to his face, his fingers brushed over the scars and his ruined eye. This was payback. 

Checking his pockets again, he felt better knowing everything he needed was there. The holo-lock was green as agreed. It would only spoil the effect but he failed to keep his gleeful smile off his face. His hand trembled as it pressed against the door, the anticipation was killing him. The door hissed opened quietly. 

There she was. Sleeping, unconscious, waiting for him. All ready for him. He stepped through the threshold, allowing the door to close. With a tap on his omni-tool, the holo-lock turned red. _Now that we’re all alone, shall we start?_

He remembered all of it. Her fist connected over and over again against his face. His hand moved self consciously to his crooked nose. It was never set. His thigh still hurt when he overdid things. Fishing the items from his pocket, he carefully placed both vials, one he had retrieved earlier, the other he brought along especially for her, along with the syringe on the table. 

With a snarl, he ripped the blanket off the still form. His eyes raked over the still body, the frail-looking woman lying on her side. A fresh bandage at the back of her head, tubes attached to her and monitors beeping along. It was like she was laid out as a present to him. All he needed to do was to unwrap and enjoy. 

His eye stopped at her left arm, or rather the missing half of it. He snorted. _Serves her right._ It wandered over to her right and he grinned. _How kind of them to provide me with some restraints._ He walked over and tightened the straps down as far as it would go. Nodding in satisfaction, he inserted the syringe into the vial he picked up earlier and filled it. There were dosage instructions sent to his omni-tool earlier but he figured the more the merrier, right? With a swift depression of the plunger, he injected the contents into the IV connected to her arm. A fresh dose was drawn from the second vial, the one he had brought with him. He mused where to stick the needle next. He wasn’t careful as a drop touched his skin. Cursing he wiped it against his pants and looked. His skin was blistering just from that single drop. The monitors beeped once registering a change in her heart rate. He saw her beginning to stir. _Perfect._

Without hesitation, he plunged the needle into her stump. The syringe wouldn’t last long with the liquid, he had to work fast. Taking a fresh fill, he injected it again into her stump. 

_Time to get the fun started_

* * *

Something hurt, Ryder wasn’t quite sure where, as the pain-free blanket of unconsciousness was roughly tugged away. Her eyes, heavy with remnants of anaesthesia, were like lead. With a silent groan, she dragged them open. The world was a haze of blurry shapes. Ryder blinked slowly to clear it, the pain that was a vague haze before sharpened to a knife’s edge. Fire coursed through her veins, molten lava seared her flesh. It went from her stump and up her arm. It was like a dredge that pulled her inexorably to the edge of agony. All haze and fuzziness disappeared in an instant.

The blurry shapes focused. She was in her room, the lights were dimmed. Then a shadow peeled off the corner of her room. _Pa?_

The figure neared and stepped into the light. Her eyes widened as she tried to raise her hand. Ryder didn’t know what she intended, to shield herself? to punch him? It didn’t matter, she could do none of it. Her heartbeat raced but none of the monitors screeched as they usually do. They kept to their regular steady beeps. Ryder fought harder against the restraint. 

The familiar panic now a fever pitch. Ryder opened her mouth to scream but nothing came. Her hand tied to the bed and the other a searing white-hot pain that crawling towards her shoulder. 

_Vidal!_

* * *

He grinned as he watched his mere presence brought the Shield of Meridian, the Bloody Blade, the Path-fucking-finder - Sara Ryder to sheer terror. The syringe had melted by the fifth fill and it burnt his fingers. His fingers felt like he had dipped it into molten mercury but it was worth it. The sheen of perspiration across her forehead, the furrow on her brow was more than terror, it was agony. Such wonderfully excruciating pain. 

“Now you know how I feel!” he growled. 

How she struggled. Her right arm, only arm, jerked and pulled against the restraint. Vidal was glad he had thought to tighten it. Each step closer made her shrink and shy away from him. No matter how much she struggled, there was no escaping. Not with the way she was tied to the bed and no way to scream for help. He was enjoying every bit of it. 

Though terror filled her eyes, it wasn’t enough. A snarl on his lips, Vidal’s hand shot out and clamp down around her throat, the other tightened painfully around her stump. And he squeezed. 

“Leaving me for Sloane?” he said. “You’d think that’s a good idea, isn’t it? Did you count on me escaping? I was trapped in my own body, helpless to exert control over what’s mine. Look at what she had done?”

Vidal’s knuckles whitened with effort. The machines behind Ryder should have been screaming their bloody heads off but thanks to a little programme he was given they were beeping along gently. There would be no help from any quarter. None at all. 

He bent over to give her a closer look at his ruined eye. Scars from a serrated blade taken to his face had made half his face a mess. The angry red scar ran from his forehead down through his eye terminating at his jaw. It throbbed every time he thought of Ryder. The ruin eye was a milky white, unseeing and blind. 

“That’s just her crowning achievement. There’s more all over. You thought I was going to die by her hands, did you? I. Did. Not.”

Vidal glared at Ryder before releasing her throat though he maintained a bone-crushing pressure on her stump. The more he talked, the more agitated he got. Spittle flew, splattering across her face. She flinched. Vidal grinned. “Did you think to check? I was chipped too. Why did you think I was doing at that base in the first place? Did you think I’d allow myself to be taken like that?”

Pausing to look at Ryder, he stared and stared. Vidal had hoped for some reaction. Some recognition of her mistake, some part of her feeling apologetic for her actions, for giving him over to Sloane. There was none. In fact, Ryder stiffened and her gaze hardened. The fight within her strengthening. “You deserve this! This stump? It’s just the beginning for you. You will suffer for all you’ve done!”

* * *

What Tann had started and culminated on Kadara just weeks ago, Vidal accomplished with his hand. Tears streamed down her face because it hurt so fucking much. _Where’s Lexi? Scott? Jaal? Anyone?_

Ryder was desperate for a way out but her struggles only ensured Vidal’s grip ratcheting down. It was an odd feeling, she could still breathe because the breathing tube was delivering air to her lungs. It was the panic and sheer terror that was wrecking her. Her mismatched breaths burnt her lungs as she fought to get out from Vidal’s hold. 

Her eyes found her omni-tool. _Dex made it voice activated, didn’t he?_ It was there on the table. _If only I can speak!_ Her back arched and her throat scraped against the tube but it was all muted fury and frustration. 

“This is not enough!” Vidal hissed, turning to a deadly calm.

His eyes, eye, was cold as he released her stump. Ryder cried tears of relief but it only brought the raging inferno of her stump to the fore. _What did he do? What did he fucking do?_

“I want to hear you scream. That tube has got to go.”

Vidal seemed distracted as he muttered to him. He was rooting around the many tubes and machines behind her. _What did he do?_ She has to know. Ryder kicked to sit up but the restraint held her fast to a supine position. With a growl, she dragged her head, tubes and all to look at her left. Her sheets were wet. The dim light made it hard to see what’s going on. Waves of dizziness accompanied the scorching heat that was clawing up her stump. 

Her breath stilled. She gagged as her stomach roiled. Her flesh was literally sloughing off. Lines of inflamed red blisters erupted across her skin. Her mouth opened in a silent cry as hot tears streamed down her face. The agony had reached her shoulder and creeping towards her chest with every racing beat of her heart. 

“Ahhh!” Vidal called from behind her. “Here it is.”

Ryder craned her neck to keep him in view. It was the call button. With all the flair of a showman, he jabbed his finger onto the big red button. “Now let’s wait for our little helper.”

Ryder renewed her struggles but Vidal grabbed her stump again. The mere pressure tunnelled her vision. She could feel his fingers sinking into her melting flesh. “Be a good girl,” he drawled, his honey-smooth voice scrapped against her ear. 

Ryder trembled. It was all she could do was to lay there. Her eyes half-lidded as she clung to consciousness. _No fucking way I’m letting him involve someone else. This is between him and me._ Tentatively she pulled on her biotics, it wasn’t the empty void of being on the inhibitor. It felt far away, every grasp snatching at wisps, every effort more difficult than it usually was. Ryder remembered, they had removed her amp. No amp to regulate and focus her biotics. It’ll only be a double-edged sword. _But this is an emergency right?_

The door swished opened. Ryder couldn’t make out what happened but the noises were clear. Before the person could step out of the shadows, Vidal was on them. A brief struggle and a strangled cry harshly cut off was all she heard. 

Vidal had his arm around Needles’ neck. The fear of the nurse was drowned out by Vidal and the inching liquid fire up her stump. Needles gasped as she laid eyes on Ryder but that was all she managed before Vidal’s arm pressed harder against her throat. “No screaming, just do as you’re told if you want to live.”

A strange look flitted across Needles’ face. Ryder wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it. Slowly Vidal released Needles, his arms tense, ready to choke off any cry for help. None came. Needles glanced at Vidal. Her eyes hard but otherwise compliant. “Remove her tube.”

Needles wasted no time. Without a word of warning, she started ripping off the tape securing the tube to Ryder’s face. Needles’ eyes met Ryder’s. Ryder found a glint of grim satisfaction. Her heart sank. _Another person to claim another piece of me._

Needles fiddled with something and jerked the tube out. Ryder coughed and gagged as the hard plastic scratched its way out of her throat. She heaved but there was nothing coming up. She hadn’t eaten since the night before. 

Needles dropped the tube to the floor. Her eyes darted to Vidal. He practically grinned. She made to move towards the door but Vidal shook his head. “Stay and watch, you might enjoy it,” he said. 

Ryder dragged in breath after breath of air as her lungs learnt to work on their own again. Vidal pulled something out of his pocket. The object was intensely familiar. “Recognise this?” he asked, shoving it in her face. “It’s a power cell bomb. I’ve heard you were so good at disarming them.”

He herded Needles to the one side of her bed while he approached the other. “This one is not so easy, see.”

Vidal depressed a button on the power cell and it started to glow a bright orange. _He fucking went and armed it._

“It has a dead man’s switch,” he went on.

_Figures._

Vidal turned his attention back to her. “Now where were we?” he asked mockingly. “Ahh, yes. This.”

Without preamble, he sank his fingers down on her stump and Ryder screamed. Nothing more than a raspy hollow sound erupted from her mouth but it brought a grin to Vidal nonetheless. “You know I’ve got to thank you. Somehow you managed to deactivate the chip. That was the only reason why I managed to escape.”

“Is this how you thank me?” Ryder croaked through her shallow breaths. 

“Feeling better huh, Ryder?” Vidal asked. “I’ll watch what I say if I were you.”

“You’re not fucking with me, Vidal,” Ryder said, if she had enough moisture in her mouth, she’d spat in his face. Consequences be damned. 

Ryder tried to curl away from Vidal but his grip kept her where she was. Her body thrashed and jerked but she was no closer to getting her arm free. Needles caught her eye as she inched closer towards the door. _Go, go, go. Get me some fucking help._

Still, Needles was painfully far from the door. Ryder searched for her omni-tool through her pain-glazed eyes. It was still on the table. Calling out to SAM or anyone else was a one-way ticket to explosion hell, Vidal would throw the power cell in their direction and run. Then what? Ryder tried to run scenarios through her head but the pain made it impossible to concentrate. Everything was coming up a red flashing mission failure. 

_Can the blast impact go through the wall?_

“I have to thank you more than for the deactivation. I have to thank you for dismantling the Collective,” Vidal growled. 

He let go out her stump and Ryder was almost grateful. The relief was short lived when his hand clamped around her throat. 

Fear spiked and her legs kicked out futilely into the air. “I have to thank you for forcing me to accept Perseus’ offer.” 

“I have to thank you for that fucking chip in my head.” He shifted and pressed his weight down on her. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.

“I have to thank you for giving me to Sloane.” She allowed her gaze to fall. Needles was half way between her bed and the door. _I’ve got to hold on. She’d go for help._

“I have to thank you for my fucking eye!” Tears blurred her vision, she heaved ineffectively for air. 

Vidal’s face inches away from her own. Ryder knew she couldn’t hold out for much longer. She had to act or risk suffocation. A lightning coursed through the eezo nodes of her body as she pulled at the biotics she was gathering. Pressure built behind her eyes as static buzzed in her head. 

_I refuse to die here._

Vidal whirled around as the door hissed open. His grip loosen and Ryder heaved sweet air again. This was it. There was no better time. _Act now or cry forever._ Needles’ shoes were thundering down the corridor. He had no hesitation. Vidal’s fingers loosened and he dropped the power cell on the bed as he twisted towards the closing door. _Hell no!_

“SAM!” Ryder growled through gritted teeth. “Get help!”

The pressure released all at once, like a valve that burst under load. She attempted a Shield over herself and a Push to get the power cell away. It was messy, it was unfocused and it hurt like fucking hell. The eezo nodes through her body flared to life in a way she had never experienced before. Energy coursed through her veins, it was wild and untempered but without her amp, it went everywhere and nowhere. Ryder knew it was ineffective the moment she let it go. _How long do I have?_

There was no Shield. It was a wild blurt force that slammed into Vidal, driving him to the door with bone-crunching force. Everything around her got caught up in the blast. Everything not pinned down was scattered, some harder than others. The glass of water on her side table barely moved while the chair next to her bed slammed into the wall. Maybe it was from the weeks of being on the inhibitor, or it was trying to use her biotics without her amp, she didn’t know. 

Ryder was pressed back against the bars that lined her bed frame. The bed and the machines behind her rattled and creaked but they mostly stayed where they were. Her sheets and the power cell were ripped from the bed and was flung to the opposite side of her room. 

She used the momentum of her biotic blast to pull herself over the bars. With a jerk, Ryder tipped the bed to its side, putting it squarely between the power cell and her. She landed on the floor limply. Ryder’s mind buzzed like bees were unleashed inside her head. Her body was burning from the inside out, more so than her stump ever did. 

_So this is why we need amps._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	56. Coma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott’s fist hurt as he glared at Vidal. Blood was pouring from Vidal’s re-broken nose. “Meet Anubis, Jaal,” Scott said as he shook the pain from his hand. 
> 
> Jaal jerked his attention to Vidal who had both hands cuffed to the gurney he was sitting on. “Anubis?” Jaal asked. 
> 
> Scott nodded. “You know what I’m talking about right?” 
> 
> A tight curt nod was all the confirmation Scott needed. “Let’s get him somewhere private before someone misses him,” Jaal growled, low and dangerous.
> 
> Scott nodded. “Let me get Drack, I’m sure he wants in.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I got something to ask. I am taking part in Mass Effect Big Bang. And time that I used to have writing Cetus is being divided between two projects now. So my banked chapters are getting seriously, seriously low. So I have two options, continue my regular 2 chapters a week release and run out of banked ones and you all have to wait while I write. I don't write all that fast. Or I could drop it down to 1 chapter a week release and my banked chapter can be stretched out longer. Let me know your thoughts in the comments? This week is still 2 chapters while I decide what I should do. 
> 
> Thank you for all the support and comments. I really really really appreciate that. :D
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <\- NEW ART 
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Smith ran down the corridor. “What happened?” Lexi asked, her fingers tight on the nurse’s shoulders to steady her. 

“Ryder…”

That was all it took. Scott and Jaal took off running. Lexi dragged Smith along, questioning her all the way to Ryder’s room. _I’ve checked. She wouldn’t be awake so soon. I had 45 minutes to clean up before Ryder wakes up._

“What in Goddess’ name happened,” Lexi asked, her voice deadly quiet as rage built. “Tell me. All of it.”

* * *

The blast rocked the level, throwing Scott and Jaal off their feet. Had they been in the room, they wouldn’t have gotten away with mere bruises. The door leading to Ryder’s room bent under the blast. “Help me!” Scott yelled when the door failed to open. 

Fingers strained as they pried the door open. Jaal wedged his larger body in the middle of the door frame to hold the door open while Scott squeezed past him. “Get the others,” Scott said. 

Jaal nodded and was immediately on his omni-tool. 

“Sara!” Scott yelled through the choking dust and debris, he immediately started coughing and sneezing. “SAM! Can you do anything about the air?” 

“One moment please, Scott,” SAM replied.

The ventilation system kicked into high gear. Scott moved cautiously, his hand shielding his nose and mouth. His foot quickly found something soft. “Sara?” 

He bent over. His hands found soft flesh and warm blood. “Sara!” 

A groan came from the form. As the dust cleared, he realised the clothes were wrong. Even with his face bloodied and bruised, Scott recognised the man. “Vidal?” 

“What is Vidal doing here?” Jaal called from his position. 

Lexi was making her way through. By then it didn’t feel like a sandstorm was unleashed inside the room through some dust still clung to the air, shrouding the room. Scott dragged Vidal towards Jaal, ignoring his moans of pain. “Hang on to him. He will have answers for us.”

Lexi found the overturned bed. The floor had a large blacken spot a mere metre away. Shrapnel embedded the walls and underside of the bed. Blood soaked sheets burnt and strewn across the room. “Ryder!” Lexi called.

The bed was almost flushed against the wall but not quite so. There was a strange shifting sound from the bed. “Scott! Help me!”

Lexi and Scott grunted with effort as they dragged the bed away from the wall. A crumpled form lay on the ground, one arm tethered to the bed. Crimson covered Ryder like a cloak of sacrifices made physical. Blood-red wings of an angel torn down and stomped into the ground. “Is she?” Scott couldn’t finish the question. 

_Why? Why is this happening? This is not fair! Hasn’t she given enough? Why is it one thing after another?_

Lexi didn’t bother answering. When it came to Ryder, she knew better now. Ryder’s a fighter and Lexi would make sure whatever it was, she’ll have a fighting chance. Her hands worked quickly to undo the restraint. Ryder’s arm fell like dead weight against the pooled blood, splattering it against Lexi’s pristine white uniform. Her arm was pale by the tightness of the restraint. 

“Ryder,” she called, massaging the blood circulation back into Ryder’s arm. “Can you hear me?”

Ryder’s stump was an utter mess, skin and flesh more liquid than solid, more out than in. Lexi was more worried about Ryder’s lack of response. Her eyes were half-lidded, she looked into space. Even the simple act of moving her should be extremely painful but there was no pain response. _That’s not good._

“Get a gurney in here now!” she barked. “I need medi-gel!”

* * *

SAM’s voice came through on all their omni-tools. “Ryder needs help.”

It was vague but it spurred all of them into action. She, Scott and Jaal were already on their way towards Ryder’s room. The others were spread out all over Meridian and the Tempest. A single call was put out and the crew gathered. By the time the others arrived, Drack had taken over wedging the door open. Gil and Liam were dragging Vidal roughly out onto a gurney. Scott and Peebee were bringing a second one for Ryder. Jaal was starring at Smith, an odd look on his face. He positioned himself to block her from leaving. Cora’s voice loud as she demanded to know what happened. The rest were doing their best to stay out of the way. 

“Ryder!” Scott called as they gently hoisted her onto the gurney. 

Still, no response. 

* * *

Scott’s fist hurt as he glared at Vidal. Blood was pouring from Vidal’s re-broken nose. “Meet Anubis, Jaal,” Scott said as he shook the pain from his hand. 

Jaal jerked his attention to Vidal who had both hands cuffed to the gurney he was sitting on. “Anubis?” Jaal asked. 

Scott nodded. “You know what I’m talking about right?” 

A tight curt nod was all the confirmation Scott needed. “Let’s get him somewhere private before someone misses him,” Jaal growled, low and dangerous.

Scott nodded. “Let me get Drack, I’m sure he wants in.” 

“I’ll keep our guest entertained,” Jaal replied easily as he sauntered over. 

Lexi was back in the operating theatre trying her best to pull Ryder back from the brink again. _Again._ Anger narrowed Jaal’s focus down to a single man. The bustle of the medical centre’ corridor grew hollow and muted. Everyone ceased to exist. Jaal dragged his eyes over Vidal. The man dared to grin at him, white teeth and all. It wasn’t quite enough to mask the trembling of Vidal’s fingers, the darting of his eyes. Jaal countered with a feral grin of his own. _Pity, we do not have fangs like turians._

Jaal peeled the glove off his hand. His bio-electricity crackled just beneath his skin with pure anger. Bare skin brushed against the metal railing of the gurney and his bio-electricity sparked against the surface. Vidal flinched. Jaal grinned wider, his vision was a red haze. He patted the bed lightly. “Come on, lie down,” he suggested. 

Without giving Vidal a chance do as told, Jaal yanked Vidal down against the bed with his hair. Vidal’s mouth opened, all ready to call for help but Jaal clamped his hand over it. “Shh…” he whispered. “It will be so much easier if you keep your mouth shut.” 

Vidal struggled but Jaal pressed his hand down harder against his broken nose and mouth, effectively cutting off his air supply. Vidal shrank backwards as he tried to get away. The omni-cuffs made sure he couldn’t. Jaal kept count, only releasing Vidal at the minute mark. “Now you know,” he growled. 

Scott returned with Drack soon enough as Jaal wiped his bloodied hands on Vidal’s shirt. “Let’s go,” Drack rumbled, keeping a claw on Vidal’s shoulder as they wheeled his gurney away. 

* * *

Vetra paced outside the operating theatre. _Why are we back here again? We were all here weeks ago._ She sighed. Cora was off banging heads to figure out what’s going on. Everyone else was here. Anxious, afraid and angry. Vetra froze in her tracks. _Except Scott, Jaal and Drack. Where are they?_

She scanned the busy corridor. Vidal was gone as well. Her heart sank as anger surged. Kandros was supposed to send APEX soldiers to pick him up. Vetra would bet her last credit Vidal wasn’t with them. 

“Of all stupid things to do,” she muttered under her breath. “Yeah, beat the suspect up. Kill him while you’re at it. Sure why not? Never mind he’s our best bet for more information on Perseus.”

She stalked off towards the security terminal and discretely deployed a hacking programme she had developed. Within seconds, it got her in. Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the footage. Figures danced across the screen at ten times the usual speed. She’d laughed if she wasn’t so pissed. Vetra was angry too. Everyone else was but nobody decided to drag their best lead and plummet him into oblivion. As much as Vidal deserved it, as much as her talons itched, this wasn’t right. If they want Perseus, this had to be clean.

She found the room. The holo-lock was red but it didn’t keep her out for long. A couple of taps on her omni-tool, the electronics on the door fried and the holo-lock disappeared altogether. Vetra walked in. Three faces swung around to face her. Nobody spoke. Her eyes darted to Vidal. He was more bloody than before, fingers on one hand were bent unnaturally, his neck bruised with clear finger and claw marks. 

Vetra pointed at the three. “Get away from him and shut up.”

Jaal shuffled away, pulling Scott with him. Drack remained stubbornly next to Vidal. “Old man, stand down,” Vetra hissed. “This. Isn’t. The. Way.”

“No shit, Vetra,” he growled. “Letting this pyjak do that to the kid? No shit.”

“Drack,” she said, voice low and pleading. 

She was tired. They all were. Vetra squeezed her eyes shut. “We need him.”

Drack glared at her. For a second, Vetra wondered if it was smart to come in without back up. _Can she get back to back down?_ “Fine,” Drack said. 

The krogan turned to Vidal, pushing his face against the dazed human. “Don’t think this is over,” he growled before smashing his fist against Vidal’s broken nose again. 

Vidal howled. This time loud without anyone muffled him. Vetra sighed. “Get out of here. I’ll take care of this.”

* * *

Everyone was gathered outside of operating theatre as Lexi exited. She ran a hand over her face, trying to wipe the weariness from her face. For a moment, she took in the many pairs of expectant eyes looking back at her. Lexi sought out Drack’s. The krogan crossed the space and gathered her in his arms. Lexi sighed, leaning into Drack’s solid arms. A familiar iron scent invaded her nose. She pushed herself off and glanced questioningly at him. Drack shook his head. 

“How is she?” Jaal asked. 

Taking a deep breath, Lexi said, “She used her biotics without her implant. It had overloaded the eezo nodes throughout her body and more importantly her brain. Right now, we’re keeping her under a medically induced coma. It will give her brain time to recover.”

Relief sighs rang across the assembled. Peebee turned to Cora. “Have we found out why she used her biotics? And what about that blast?”

Cora shook her head. “The security cameras were mysteriously turned off and the footage scrubbed,” she said. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure Vidal talks.”

Vetra shot a knowing look at Scott, Jaal and Drack but she kept her mouth shut. 

“And how the fuck did Vidal get here? It’s obvious he’s what happened,” Liam exclaimed. 

The others nodded their agreement. “What about her… erm… arm?” Suvi ventured. “It looked… it didn’t look good.”

“Whoever it is, Vidal or some other accomplice had injected the acidic water of Kadara lakes from before the vault reset into her residual limb. It effectively burnt the flesh from the inside out.”

Gasps rippled through the crew. “But you’ll be able to fix the damage?” Dex asked. “With the cloned arm?”

The question hung in the air like a spectre over a wedding, unwanted and foreboding. All of them knew how hard Ryder had taken the loss of her arm. It was only the promise of a cloned replacement that tided her over. 

“The acid had damaged her nerves but we will be keeping up with her medi-gel treatments. We’ll only know for sure… later.”

Dex nodded, hope in his eyes. Lexi sighed. She had seen the damage up close. It wasn’t pretty. The external burns were likely going to scar. The nerve damage was extensive. Her arm might be a serious issue but the main concern was Ryder’s brain. Goddess knew what was happening in there. Using her biotics without the implant was dangerous. Ryder could very easily have suffered a brain haemorrhage and that would be that.

Biotics was a heavy burden on a human’s body, especially without an implant. Eezo nodes throughout the body gathered power. It built and exerted pressure on the nodes, concentrating on the brain where the largest store of eezo nodes was. Thankfully, they didn’t have to crack her skull open to relieve the pressure and swelling. With a healthy dose of luck, the medically induced coma would do the trick. 

Lexi didn’t put much stock in luck. All they could do was wait and pray. 

* * *

Machines surrounded her bed like sentinels, tubes attached like leeches to her. The breathing tube she hated so much was back down her throat. Lexi had assured him it was necessary. “She can’t breathe on her own because she’s in a coma.”

Jaal understood but he didn’t like it. It was another reminder that she wasn’t simply asleep. White sheets pulled up to her chest. It raised and fell in a steady rhythm as the monitors’ beeped. They have drawn up a roster. Nobody was taking a chance again. Ryder was never going to be alone. He fought to take the first watch. 

Scott was ready to fight him for it until Jaal pointed out they still needed to find out what happened. They were too eager to exact revenge. They should have thought to extract information from Vidal. With the state they left him in, it’s unlikely Vidal would be able to talk anytime soon. Regret left him feeling numb. 

“You ought to question Smith,” Jaal said. 

“The nurse?” Scott frowned. “Isn’t she just one of Vidal’s hostages?”

Jaal shook his head, his face hardened. “I recognised her from somewhere. I can’t quite place her but I think we should keep her close. She had, at the very least, witnessed a part of the incident.”

That satisfied Scott. The others dispersed to their duties. As Jaal turned to enter Ryder’s new room, Wrench called out. 

Jaal cocked his head at her. He had limited interactions with the friends Ryder had made on Kadara. He barely had time to speak to them on the Tempest. Then, all this happened. Nobody had a chance to catch their breaths. “Take Kiba with you,” she said. 

Jaal nodded. Ryder had taken comfort from the dog before. It might do her good to have the dog near even if she was in a coma. He tried to make himself comfortable in the too-small chair. Kiba laid on the ground between his chair and her bed. 

They settled down to wait. And wait. And wait. 

* * *

“So what’s your best guess?” Lexi asked SAM. 

She was in the med-bay with Drack. The Tempest had been docked on Meridian for almost a month. A month since Kadara, a week since Vidal. Nobody wanted to leave while Ryder was still unconscious. However, Cora was beginning to be pressured by the Leadership. A Pathfinder and their ship were never meant to be docked for long. Lexi left that to Cora to handle. She had her energy focused entirely on Ryder. 

Lexi couldn’t say if Ryder’s brain activity had reverted to normal levels or not. And apparently, neither could all available neurologists specialising in human biotics. It wasn’t the first time Lexi wished they were back in the Milky Way. _At least there I have smarter people to consult._

The scans Lexi did just the day before showed the swelling had subsided. The brain waves were depressed but that’s expected because of the sedatives administered. There was still the question of whether Ryder had suffered any brain damage from all of this. There was no real way to tell unless they wake her up. 

“Guess?” Drack asked. “That doesn’t sound promising.”

“That’s all I’ve got Drack. There weren’t many studies done on the effects of non-implant human biotic use. From what I understand most died in the attempt,” Lexi pointed out, anger colouring her words. “Guesses are what I have left.”

Drack sighed, pushing the cup of tea he had made towards her. “It has been a week. Her latest scan had shown a significant reduction in brain swelling. It is a strong indication that the activity in her brain has returned to baseline,” SAM suggested. 

“Maybe,” Lexi replied doubtfully. “But that’s your best guess?”

“That’s what I’ve been able to ascertain with the information we have, yes.”

“Ok, I’ll make the arrangements.”

* * *

Elsewhere on the Tempest, Scott, Jaal and Cora were seated at the meeting room. They had daily debrief for their respective avenues of investigations. 

Vetra and Dex had been hard at work trying to trace the source of the hack that disabled the security cameras. Dex was sure the footage was recoverable even though it was deleted. He hadn’t left the terminal he had commandeered at the research console, even to sleep. 

Liam and Peebee were on duty that night to sit with Ryder while the others got their rest. Wrench was seldom seen but was spotted with her sniper rifle. Everyone was doing what they could but nobody knew if it was enough. 

“Jaal, you were right,” Scott said. “Smith was fishy. She was originally assigned as to Sara after she was transferred to the Nexus.”

Scott’s voice was a little strained as he spoke. Cora understood while Jaal looked confused. “She’s assigned to give Sara her biotics inhibitor. She wasn’t very nice,” Cora said, addressing Jaal’s confusion. 

Jaal’s face darkened. 

“How did she get to Meridian then?” Cora asked, trying to move the meeting along. 

“That’s the thing. She had transfer papers from the Nexus Medical Centre. That’s after Sara had threatened her during her break out,” Scott said. “But when I made calls back to the Nexus Medical Centre, nobody could tell me where is the person who signed off on her transfer papers.”

“Curious,” Jaal remarked. 

“I know right?”

Cora pulled up the transfer papers on her omni tool. There was a name digitally signing the papers. “So this person doesn’t exist? Or have they been transferred too?”

“That’s the thing, I can’t find this person who signed her papers. It’s like they don’t exist.”

“Curiouser and curiouser,” Jaal chimed in, his omni-tool displaying Smith’s photo. 

Scott frowned. "Idiom, Jaal?" he asked. 

The angara shrugged. "I've been reading to Ryder when I'm with her. Lexi said it might help."

Scott snorted, he noticed Jaal's intense attention to the picture. “You still finding her familiar?”

The angara nodded. Dark purple eye bags made his eyes looked sunken. Nobody had been getting enough sleep. Scott was feeling as wrung out as Jaal looked. Cora was busy tapping on her omni tool. She sat up straighter, her actions faster. “What is it?” Scott asked, recognising the signs. 

She lifted a finger before reassuming her tapping. “There!” she exclaimed with triumph. “I knew the name was familiar.”

With a flick of her finger, she threw the transfer papers onto the screen between them. The image zoomed to the name - Vasia Abercus. Both of them looked at the name. It didn’t ring any bells. “That’s the turian we picked up at the Perseus base where we found Obsidians.”

Cora pulled up the report she written up after that particular mission, complete with a photo of the real Vasia Abercus. Scott’s eyes widened. Jaal just looked angry. “It’s clear her identity has been stolen. That would mean…”

“This is Perseus. Smith is Perseus,” Jaal growled, his hand slamming onto the table. “I remember now. I saw her on Meridian, before…”

His jaw clenched so hard, Scott wondered if Jaal cracked his teeth from the pressure. “She was the reporter that called me away. This was just before Ryder’s first episode. The one that started it all.”

Cora’s eyes darkened. “She’s involved somehow but can we be sure she isn’t chipped?” 

“There’s only one way to find out,” Scott replied darkly. 

“Have Vidal talked?” Jaal asked. 

Cora nodded. “I can’t get him to shut up. Turns out he was chipped as well or so he claims. If that’s true, was it before or after Havarl?”

“What difference does it make?” Scott asked, anger colouring his words. “He tortured Sara back at Havarl.”

Jaal flinched. “It matters. If he did it under the influence of the chip or without. It is a big difference. We will know once we get the chip out of his head. In any case, he won’t be seeing anything but the inside of a cell.”

Guilt rose the pit of Jaal’s gut. _Vetra was right. I was too rash. Taking out my anger on Vidal wasn’t the right thing to do. If he acted under the influence of the chip…_ He clenched his jaw again and pushed the overwhelming guilt away. Vidal had done unspeakable things to Ryder in the medical centre. That was done without the influence of the chip. That much was undeniable. 

“What about Tann?” Jaal asked. 

“The Leadership is adopting a wait and see approach. They still want Sara’s testimony,” Cora replied. 

Below from the research terminals, Dex yelled, “Vetra! I’ve got it!”

* * *

Everyone gathered around Ryder’s bed. They waited. Most with hope this was the start of true healing. Lexi had stopped the sedatives almost an hour ago. With Ryder’s biotics metabolism, she should be waking any moment. 

Scott hovered anxiously over his sister while Jaal was still like calm waters but his eyes darting to catch the slightest movement Ryder might make. The others shuffled on their feet, chatting among themselves. 

They waited. 

Drack was right at her side, his chest rumbling a low note. Lexi laced her fingers through his claws. He gave it a little squeeze. “The kid’s fine,” he said. 

Lexi wasn’t so sure. She’s a realist. She could hear the warning she had given Ryder echoing in her head. “There is only so much your body can take. It can’t keep bouncing back.” Drack’s low note got louder, his chest vibrated. Lexi leaned into it and centred herself. 

They waited. 

Cora knew Ryder was willing to lay down everything she had for what she believed in, for what’s right, for what’s needed but it didn’t make it any easier every time she did it. This time more than most. 

She was pissed, more than pissed, she’s livid. Dex recovered the security footage. After SAM cleaned it up, what was salvaged was more than enough to show what really happened. This was proof beyond a shadow of a doubt. Smith was Perseus. 

Her hand was tight around Scott’s arm. Her anger travelling through her touch. Scott answered a squeeze of his own. Smith was the one who provided Vidal with the supplies and then the codes to Ryder’s room. As bad as the footage was, all of them could see the agony Ryder was in. Cora saw Ryder had plenty of chances to use her biotics but she had done it only after Smith was out of the room, after Smith was safe from the blast radius. 

Ryder had laid her life down again to safeguard the one person who sent her into the lion’s den. Smith was there from the start. Distracting him from the meeting, what would have been different if he was there when Ryder had her first episode? She was there again after Ryder was transferred to the Nexus’ custody. Cora remembered the needle tracks at the back of Ryder’s head. Now she’s here on Meridian delivering the final blow. Cora shook her head. _How many more Perseus operatives are there?_

The Leadership had been informed and a witch hunt was about to begin. That aside, Addison was pressuring her to reassume regular missions. Thus far, T’vera and the Moshae had managed to push it off. Cora understood the colonies needed their help. The Tempest was an asset that shouldn’t be left sitting around. With all the other Pathfinders recovering from their surgeries and all of them lacking a SAM implant, she was the only Pathfinder healthy and whole. But at the same time, Ryder needed them. _Look what in the Goddess’ name happened when we believed she was safe._ Cora sighed and looked at Ryder. 

They waited. 

Lexi glanced at her omni-tool. Something wasn’t right. Ryder should be waking up. It’s been more than an hour overdue. The sedatives had to have cleared from her body. Everyone stilled as she activated her omni-tool. The machines beeped happily along as she ran it over Ryder’s unconscious form. 

The readout confirmed the sedatives were no longer in effect. _Why isn’t she waking up?_ With a rising sense of panic, Lexi pinged Harry for a consult.

They waited. 

* * *

Jaal sat in the dim room. His heart heavy. The doctors had confirmed it. Sara was in a coma. It wasn’t her brain. Her scans showed everything was normal physically. She just wasn’t waking up. Maybe it was damage sustained when using her biotics without her implant. Maybe it was just the cumulative stress and trauma from Kadara and then at Vidal’s hands. Maybe a lot of things but there was nothing definite. 

_Vidal!_ Jaal’s thoughts burnt with a black flame of rage he didn’t think possible. The guilt he felt before was gone. In place was the darkest desire to rip the man limb from limb.

Lexi had encouraged them to speak to her. “It helps,” she said. “And we need all the help.”

Jaal looked at the new machine, lines of blue, green and red dancing their way across the screen. Tiny white leads lined Sara’s head, going from one temple, across her forehead to the other side. It was monitoring her brain waves. Her neck still wore the dark bruises made by Vidal’s fingers. Though it was no longer the pus oozing wound, her residual limb still constantly received four hourly medi-gel application and re-dressing. His jaw clenched as his eyes grew hot. He blinked. 

Kiba growled once. It was a token gesture. The dog was used to him and him her. Jaal ruffled her fur and sat down in that ancestors-damned chair. 

Any promises he could make, he made. Anything just to have her open her eyes again, to have her speak his name again, to have her smile or just anything but trapped in a coma. 

“Sara, please,” he begged as he took her limp hand, tears spilling from his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	57. Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who commented. I really appreciate your support and input. :D Next week. I'll switch to a single chapter release. Hopefully, I'll write fast enough that I can move it back to the 2 chapter a week. Meanwhile, enjoy today's chapter!
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <\- NEW ART 
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Taking a deep breath, her ribs expanded and air rushed into her lungs. Light from outside made her see red behind her closed eyelids. She groaned, burying her face in the pillow. A smile pulled at her lips. This was her favourite way of waking up. No alarms blaring, no rough kicks to her bunk, just a natural wake up call by the dawning light. She opened her eyes and instantly regretted it when the light pierced them. Wincing, she tried again, slowly this time. 

Her eyes scanned her environment. Everything was familiar and achingly so. She sighed in contentment, allowing herself to enjoy her nice warm bed. Muscles pulled as she stretched her limbs. Arms and legs hanging over the bed. With a lazy groan, she curled over her bolster. As sorely tempted as she was to close her eyes and go back to sleep, something was niggling at the back of her mind. Something was not quite right. 

She frowned and sat up. _My room?_ She was alone. Her single bed was pushed up against the wall. The Alliance recruitment poster with Commander Shepard saluting proudly was stuck on the wall next to her. It’s lower corners were entirely dog-eared from her nights picking at it after another day failing by her father’s standards. _What happened?_

She turned and found her desk and chair where they usually were, arranged with a military standard of tidiness. Her terminal was still turned on as were her datapads. _Shit, Pa’s going to be mad._ She swung her legs down and went to turn them off. 

Noises from passing sky cars drifted in from her window. The artificial light from outside streamed in. The sense of wrongness grew in the pit of her gut. _What time is it anyway?_ Her hands moved in a habitual manner. Her right hand came up and her left went to tap on her omni tool implant to bring up the interface. Then she froze. 

_My left arm?_

She sank back onto her bed and stared at her hands. Both her hands. “What the fucking hell is going on?” she whispered. “Why am I back home on the Citadel?”

It was simply impossible. Was she somehow transported back to the Milky Way? Why? How? She needed some fucking answers. Standing up she palmed her door and stepped out into her childhood home. Everything was how she had remembered it. Photos of Scott and her as babies and kids, the few family portraits they had, lined the walls. A vase of flowers here, her mother’s datapad there. A lump formed in her throat. She clenched her jaw to hold it in. 

She turned to her left, it’s her parents’ room. Mostly Ma’s since Pa’s away most of the time. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. It was empty. “Ma?” she called, hope hovering on her lips. 

Silence greeted her. Her jaw tightened further. _What the hell are you expecting? Your mother is back in Andromeda._

She turned and left, unable to stand to be in there. Curiously she peeped into Scott’s room, also empty. So were her parents’ respective lab and weapons bunker. That left the kitchen and the living room. She didn’t expect to find anyone. _Maybe this is some strange Twilight zone episode that Suvi loves so much. I’m trapped in a 20th-century television show. That’s not fucking depressing at all._

She walked towards the kitchen. Maybe drinking some water would help clear her head while she figured out what was going on. Stepping out of the corridor and into the wide and open kitchen, she froze. Someone was making tea in the kitchen. Their back was facing her. The kettle was on. They were retrieving the cups that Ma had loved so much. Cups that they had left behind when they left. “You’re awake,” they said without turning. 

She stepped towards the figure. It was obvious to her it was a man. He was wearing a simple white long-sleeved shirt and grey pants. “Who…” 

Before the question could leave her lips, he turned. “Hey Sara,” he greeted with an awkward smile that didn’t belong. 

“Pa, what the fucking is going on?”

* * *

Ryder sat in the kitchen, a steaming cup of tea in her hands. Hands! She stared at them. Her right kept squeezing the left to make sure it was real. The muscles flexed and pulled the same way it always did. The callous were all there. Nothing looked different.

Her fingers tried to find the scar on her head but they couldn’t find the slight dip in her scalp. Even the deep one along her collarbone was gone. All scars, aches and pains had vanished. This was more than odd, this was downright impossible. _Or was it?_

Her eyes darted to her father’s. He was seated across the island from her. His grey eyes peered from over his teacup as he sipped at his tea, looking at her. They had not exchange any more words than her initial surprise. 

_What was there to say? We’re not the happy father and daughter everyone expects us to be._

Ryder forced herself to hold his gaze. His eyes held neither the judgement she was used to nor the vague sense of not measuring up from her childhood. To cover up the awkwardness, Ryder picked up her cup and drank. The warmth trickled down her throat and warmed her. _That’s the first cup of anything he has ever made me._

Her eyes traced the lines on his face. A flash of his panicked face flashed across her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut at the memory. Her breathing quickened. His hand shot out and took hers. She clung to him like she was drowning. “Breathe. Just breathe. Everything is all right,” he said soothingly, his voice pitched low. “Just breathe.”

His voice and his touch was the anchor that pulled her back from the flashback. Eventually, her breathing calmed down, her heartbeat steadied. Opening her eyes again, she finally asked, “Where are we?”

Her father cocked his head at her, surprised that this was her first real question. “Well, it’s the in between.”

She frowned and waited, using techniques she learnt from him. He laughed, recognising what she was doing. Ryder almost flinched at that foreign sound. _He fucking laughed. He has never done that, not with me anyway._ “I laughed,” he said. “It’s been known to happen.”

Ryder blinked. _What the fuck._

“Yes, what the fuck,” he repeated. 

“Shit,” she hissed. “You’re reading my mind.”

“You can too, in here.”

Anger surged. “Where the hell is are we? Why am I here? You’re dead, why are you here?” she exclaimed as she stood. 

Her arms pushing roughly against the island and rattled the cups. Her father managed to save his cup. Her cup went toppling. The tea spilt and brown marred the clean white island her mother loved so much. Ryder’s heart clenched. She shoved her hands into her pockets and paced the length of the kitchen. 

Her father held both hands up placatingly. “All right. Come on, sit down. I was hoping to break it to you slowly,” he said as he righted the teacup. “I see you’re just too like me to take bullshit.”

Ryder stilled and watched her father. The spilt tea disappeared and her cup was filled again. She blinked and glared at him. “I’m dead, aren’t I?” she blurted. “That’s why you’re here. This is one of those dead relatives coming to receive the newly dead.” 

Her father sighed. The uncharacteristic joviality rapidly fading. “Come on, sit down,” he urged again, the bite of command returning. 

Ryder slid back into her chair, old habits die hard. “You’re not dead, not yet,” he said, his grey eyes grave and sombre. “You have a choice to make.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Tell me.”

“You could step through that door,” he pointed at the door that led outside. “And rejoin the world of the living.”

Without waiting for him to finish, Ryder was walked towards it. _Anything is better than being trapped here._ Before she was even anywhere near it, she felt a sharp pain along her collarbone. “What the…” she cried, her hand pressed against the pain. 

Ryder pulled at her shirt and glanced down. The familiar scar was tearing its way through her skin. 

“Sara,” his voice strained. 

Gritting her teeth, she took another two steps forward. A sharp pain at her head drove her to her knees. “Fucking shit,” she growled and pushed on. 

Her fingers tight against the wall, Ryder pulled herself up. One step, two step. She paused. It hurt but there wasn’t anything new. On the third step, she lost her balance. The left arm she had against the wall was gone. Ryder cried out. Damaged nerves screaming for a limb that was no longer there.

Strong arms dragged her back to the kitchen. With every metre away from the door, she was feeling better. The old wounds and scars disappeared but the ordeal had left her a quivering mess. Her father deposited her onto the chair again. “Drink,” he ordered, pushing the tea back into her hands. _Hands, plural._

“Yes, hands,” her father echoed. “Drink, damn it. You’ll feel better.”

She clutched the cup with all ten fingers to still her shaking hands. The simple act of drinking tea steadied her. The empty cup clinked as she put it down shakily. “What the fuck is going on?” Ryder whispered. 

Her father stared at her. It wasn’t anger she saw, it was disappointment. Despite old hurts and resentment flaring, Ryder looked away, her own anger banked under her father’s stare. 

“Well you know what happens when you take that door,” he said. “The alternative is to return to your room.”

“What happens there?” she asked warily, her hand rubbing against the scar that wasn’t there. 

“You’ll die.”

Ryder’s jaw clenched. Death, true death, was something that had hounded her since arriving in Andromeda. She had escaped time after time, every single time by the skin of her teeth. _Maybe this is it. It’s finally time to stop running. I can’t outrun death._

Her father looked at her, pouring a fresh cup of tea for her. “It’s not the end. You have a choice, Sara,” he reminded her. 

“Fuck, there’s no point to think in my head if you can hear it, is there?” she snorted, her small chuckle laced with misery. 

“You have a choice,” he repeated. 

“Really?” she asked, eyes blazing with old anger. “I’m tired, Pa. I’m fucking tired. Everything I touched turned to shit. I’m not fit to be Pathfinder. I screwed everything up! I can’t do anything right. I made a monster. I could have found another way, should have found another way. It would have prevented so much, so fucking much. I should never have been Pathfinder. I can’t live up to your legacy.”

Ryder stood up, spilling the tea again. The lump in her throat made it hard for her to speak coherently but she had to force the words out. For years she had questions. Ryder could never find it in her to ask. Habitat 7 happened and she sealed the questions and words away forever. Her jaw quivered under the strength she’s clenching it. His grey eyes gazing at her but he didn’t speak. Shuddering breaths tore through her throat.

“Why the fuck did you even save my life? I know…,” her voice broke and she growled in anger at herself. “I know you’d prefer that I was the one in the coma. Why? Tell me, why did you fucking save me? You didn’t ever love me!”

Every question was like poison purged from her soul. Every word was an unburdening of her heart but it wasn’t enough. The dam had broken and her words were freed but she needed answers. His grey eyes had dipped from hers. Ryder frowned and shook her head. This wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want her father’s mute acceptance of her words. 

“I fucked up, Pa. I fucked up,” her voice trailing off before finally descending into sobs. 

* * *

Was it hours? days? since she had retreated to the middle ground between the kitchen and her room. Time had no meaning here. She never felt hungry and thirsty. The brightly lit corridor that led to the rooms no longer felt inviting. It felt ominous and deadly, literally. Her tears were done. Ryder was tired and wrung out. 

_Why the fuck did I say that?_

Ryder cursed, remembering her father could hear everything in her head. “There’s no fucking privacy here,” she hissed under her breath. 

Turning her head, she glanced at her father. His back faced her. It was hunched, smaller than she had ever seen it. He did try but Ryder pulled herself away from him. She ran. 

Ryder sighed staring at her father’s back. He was sitting where she did before. That left the seat next to his open. The cup of tea still on the island. Even from her distance, she could see the steam wafting slowly up. It was an invitation. 

“Fuck this place,” she growled as she turned away.

An intense desire to drown out her own thoughts with music flared. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, her fumbling hands found something next to her. Puzzled, she glanced down and found her headphones. Ryder hummed appreciatively. “This, I can get used to.”

The moment her headphones clamped over her ears, a song started playing. 

  
_But tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_

The song was familiar. Ryder had cried herself to sleep many a time listening to it. Listening to it again now, triggered old memories in her. 

  
_Oh, tell me now, where was my fault_   
_In loving you with my whole heart_

Ryder knew her childhood wasn’t entirely horrible. _I was loved._ But the evident difference in the treatment between her and Scott was large and it confused her. She had tried to do better, be better but it was never enough. That had cast a large shadow over her childhood. His mildly hostile indifference had reached every corner of her soul. Ryder sighed and allowed the lyrics to wash over her. _I’m not a kid. I’m over this shit. It’s done._

A loud sigh echoed down the corridor to her ears. Ryder rubbed her hand against her head. “I fucking hate this place.”

She shuffled further down the corridor. Her feet took her back to her room. Ryder faltered at the threshold. Nearing her room had the opposite effect on her. Ryder felt lighter, not happier but burden free. Her worries about her brother, the crew, the entire shit show she had left behind not gone but lessened. It was all out of her hands. If only she could let it all go, she’ll be free. 

She put her back against the wall, her face turning resolutely away from her father. It felt good here. Far better than the short walk to the door, or next to her father in the kitchen. 

Drawing her knees up to her chest, she rested her chin on them. It’s nice and warm. No chaos, no messes to clean up, no looming threat, no violence, no battle, just peace and quiet. Ryder closed her eyes. 

_Do I want this?_

Scott flashed through her mind, his voice louder than her music. “Sara, please don’t do this,” his voice echoed through her head. “Ma is here. We’re going to get her cured. We’re going to build a life on Andromeda. Come on, Sara. Just wake up, for me, for Ma.”

Ryder let out a growl of frustration. _Fuck, why are you making this hard for me? Living is hard. It’s fucking painful._

Drack’s gravelly voice called, “Kid.” 

Ryder sighed. “You’re not ready to go. You’re young, far too young to give up. Take it from me, kid. I know all about living,” said Drack. “It’s not pretty but it’s not all bad, all the time. Hell, you found friends on Kadara. Running for nine months wasn’t all bad right? Listen to the 1000-year-old krogan, kid. Life isn’t all battle and fire. Wake up, kid.”

The voices came ringing through her head. She could barely hear her own thoughts, let alone the music. They were constantly calling her. 

“Wake up,” Kallo called, “Ryder.” 

“Ryder,” Liam insisted. “We have a movie night to plan.”

“Come on, Ryder,” Peebee pleaded. “You won’t believe what I’ve just heard.”

“We’re waiting on you, sleepy head,” Suvi said. 

“The poker table has been empty without you, Ryder,” Gil said. 

“Ryder, I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to wake up,” Vetra said. “It’s hard but please try. Everyone is rooting for you.”

“Ryder,” Dex said. “We’ve got the assholes. It’s safe now. Just wake up, ok?”

Wrench’s voice, quieter than the others but no less grief-filled. “Ryder, everyone’s here for you.”

Every voice was a pressure in her head. _Gods, please shut up._

Ryder’s body was flushed with heat like a fever was wrecking her body. Her only relief was the cool air drifting from her room. She inched closer, savouring the pleasant breeze. Every centimetre closer to the threshold, the unbearable heat lessened a little. 

“Ryder, no!” Lexi shouted. “I’ve worked too hard for you to give up on yourself. I refuse this. Ryder, please! Get the ice bath ready!”

“Ryder,” SAM’s neutral voice spoke. “Sara, I don’t know what should I say. This is a new experience for me. I don’t like seeing you like this. I can detect the lowered levels of cortisol in Cora. She hasn’t been sleeping well. I know this is how humans show grief but I am not human. I can’t hurt the way organics do but there is this emptiness I feel. Sara, please tell me what this means.”

The heat though tolerable but still uncomfortable. The cool air beckoned but Ryder dare not cross the threshold. She sat just on the edge of the threshold. It was so close. What's wrong with seeking a little comfort, a little relief. What’s one more step?

_Is this what I want?_

Familiar voices called, her name repeated over and over again. Every call overlapped another. Layers upon layers till Ryder couldn’t tell where one started and another ended. It was all a single voice calling, begging, pleading and demanding. 

Then, silence, not even her music was playing. It was so complete that her head buzzed with it. Ryder wrenched her headphones from her ears as she opened her eyes. The heat was rapidly fleeing her body. Her heart slammed against her ribs. She could still hear the echoes of the crew, her crew. 

They weren’t saying things she didn’t know but knowing something wasn’t the same as feeling it. As much as the voices were an expectation, an obligation, it was at the same time a tie between her to her friends, family. People who knew her, seen her at her best and worst, walked through fire and brimstone with her, for her. 

The choice was hers to make but it was a burden. The immense weight on her shoulders dragged her down. Ryder lay on her side, eyes staring at the room beyond - the end it promised. _Is this what I want?_ She curled up and wished for silence. 

* * *

Strong arms picked her up, Ryder turned her head groggily. Her father’s voice whispered, low in her ear, “Shhhh, sleep. You earned this break. I’ll hold them back. You will have the time to decide.”

Maybe it was the security he could instill, maybe she was tired, her eyes closed and sleep took her into its embrace. She drifted alone in the quiet of the empty darkness. Her soul let it all go, her worries, her fears, her burdens. She pulled a shroud of raven black over her like a blanket. Ryder disappeared. 

In the inky dark, a voice started out soft and low but it slowly gained strength and fervour. “Sara,” it called. 

Her name drifted like the wind, caressing her with light fingers across her skin. A shiver ran over her body. Ryder opened her eyes. There was no lingering sleepiness. “Sara,” her name lightening the dark she wrapped herself in. 

“You promised, we’ll talk,” the voice pleaded. “You promised.”

Ryder frowned, a vague memory coming to her. A far away time on a ship, amid chaos and obligation. The darkness was slowly stripped from her hands. “Sara, I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m sorry that I never told you this before. Please wake up. I want to make it right for you,” the voice. begged. 

“Jaal?” she whispered. 

“Everyone is waiting for you, Sara.”

Ryder stood up. The darkness was now just a dawning grey. “Please, Sara!”

With a jolt, she opened her eyes again. “Jaal!” she shouted as she sat up. 

“Shit,” she cursed. 

“Dreaming?” her father asked, from the armchair he was sitting on. 

Ryder nodded wordlessly. She swung her legs to the floor and ran her hands over her face. “Sara, you got to choose soon,” her father said matter-of-factly. “Otherwise your non-choice is a choice of it own.”

Turning her head, Ryder realised the house was no longer the bright and white home she was used to. It was darker, somehow smaller. “You’re dying,” he said, “Your body can’t take much more without you.”

Her teeth gnashed against her lower lip. “Why?” she asked, her eyes trained on her own bare feet. 

The question was so quiet, her father had almost missed it. That was until she lifted her eyes to meet her sire’s. Brown against grey. The furrow between her brow deeper than it had ever been. “Why did you save my life?” she repeated. “It never made sense. You forced me to take on the Pathfinder mantle, why?”

Her back straightened as her eyes attempted to extract an answer. “Why save me at all?”

Her father’s eyes softened. A small sigh escaped his lips as his eyes dropped to the floor. Ryder waited, the way she did for him her entire life. This answer mattered in a way nothing else ever did. _I need to know._

Her father’s head snapped up at her thought. The muscles along his arm rippled and tensed. “You’re my daughter,” he offered, his voice soft and resigned. 

“Bullshit,” Ryder retorted through clenched teeth. “Don’t give me that. That’s not good enough. Not after everything.”

 _Everything._ It was a single word that encompassed everything from her childhood and the day on Habitat 7. The word was too small to hold it all.

Her shoulders stiff and set against the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her again. “Damn it. I’ve been a shit father to you. Even to Scott,” he said, not meeting her eyes. “But especially you, most especially you.”

Ryder’s breath caught in her throat. This wasn’t the answer she had expected. She would never in a million years expect any kind of concession from her father. Her eyes stung as she blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears. “Why?” her voice broke on that single word. “Do you hate me?”

Her father jerked his eyes to her as if she slapped him. Her traitorous lips quivering as she stared at him, tears welling up. “No!” he yelled, standing up. “No, no, no!”

Arms pulled her into his chest. She stiffened and tense. Never in her life had her father been this emotional before, never had they touched without being in the context of training. “Baby girl, I don’t hate you. I was stupid, I was just bla…” his voice trailed off. “I was stupid. I’m sorry for everything I’ve never said, never explained. Baby girl, I’m so sorry.”

Ryder’s sobs began in earnest. With her face turned into his chest, she cried, “You didn’t see me. I was there and you didn’t see me.”

“I know, I know,” he said into her hair, his arms tightened around her. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I did see but I don’t know what I was looking. I was blind. I’m sorry.”

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut and let it out all. Years of wondering if her father ever wanted her, years of anger and resentment was released like a deluge that swept through her heart. Her father’s arms cradling her the way she had always wished for. Gentle words whispered in her ears the way she had always wanted. “I see you now,” he said. “You’re always been the best of me, as is your brother. You did great as Pathfinder, as an Alliance soldier, as a daughter. I am proud of you.”

Ryder’s sobs intensified, filling the darkening space that used to be her home. “You don’t have much time,” her father said. “You have to make a choice.”

His arms released her. She wiped her face with the back of her hand. Her eyes stricken as it met her father’s. Her hands clamped around his. “No,” she said. “Please…”

“There’s no time,” he said, glancing behind him. “You have to choose soon.”

Ryder took a deep breath to centre herself. Her back straightened but her will wavered. “You did great as Pathfinder. You’re more than a Pathfinder, you are Sara Ryder. You’re my daughter,” he said as his hands squeezed her. “Whatever you choose, you’ll kick some fucking ass.”

Laughter erupted from her chest. The weight that was holding her down had lifted. “Living is hard, you know that. That way lies pain but that’s not all there is. Scott and your mother are waiting for you,” he reminded. “And everyone else too.”

Ryder sniffed and nodded. “A choice,” she said. 

He nodded. “I’ll try to buy you more time,” he said, rising to his feet.

Her father turned to go but her hand shot out and grabbed onto his sleeve. It was a child clinging to a parent, Ryder’s grip was tight. The fabric bunched up in her fingers. Her breath hitched. “Whatever you choose, know that I love you. I’ve been a shit father but I hope in the end I showed that I love you.”

Gently, he pried her fingers from his sleeve. A few quick steps, he walked towards the corridor. Her father, his stance tall and ready, paused at the threshold. The corridor was completely pitch black. The dark was a living thing that crept and oozed. The first tendrils were reaching the kitchen. Her father looked at her as if for the first time, without judgement but with a tenderness, Ryder had never seen before. 

“I love you, Sara.”

He ducked his head into the corridor. “Pa!” she cried like the abandoned child she was. But he was consumed by the darkness. 

A solid lump formed in her throat, she couldn’t breathe past it. “Choose,” his voice echoed in her head. 

* * *

_What do I want?_

Ryder didn’t know how long she sat there, watching as the dark encroached. The kitchen was totally consumed. The only light left was the door that promised pain, hurt and life. 

_I don’t want to hurt anymore._ Her own thoughts sounded plaintive even in her own head.

The calls from her crew came to her in a rushing chorus of voices. _I am needed._

The thought solidified within her. “I’m not done,” she whispered, her voice loud in the silence. “I’m not fucking done.”

Slowly, she picked herself up. Her shoulders stiff as she stared at the door. Her lungs expanded, taking in air, steeling herself for what she was choosing. With a growl in her throat, Ryder took a step towards the door. Another, then another. The grimace on her face was near permanent. “I can do this,” Ryder hissed through clenched teeth. “I will fucking do this.”

Wounds opened and healed, bone broken and set, flesh whole then scarred. Every little step was another world of agony. Her breaths came hard and sharp, her right hand clamped over her stump. “Stump, yeah I have a stump,” Ryder rasped. “So what? I’m fucking getting it fixed!”

“I’m fucking taking back this life!”

With a roar of defiance, she pressed her hand on the holo-lock. It took its sweet time cycling through its protocol. Ryder slammed fist against the holo-lock screaming, ”Will you hurry up?” 

Risking a glance behind her, Ryder realised the darkness was nipping at her heels. “Fuck!” she pounded at the holo-lock again. “This is worse than entering Kadara port!”

Ryder pressed her body against the door, unwilling to risk even touching the darkness. “I didn’t come all this way, just to fail here. Not here, not now!”

Without warning, the door opened and Ryder lost her balance. A curse hovered on her lips as she fell. 

**Lyrics taken from[White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons](https://open.spotify.com/track/14rApQTKycs9gNg7hjm9m7)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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> This author replies to comments.


	58. Decay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi shook her head. “If only I was faster, if only I had thought to have someone sit with you. All of this could be prevented,” she went on, her eyes guilt-ridden. 
> 
> Ryder frowned as she shook her head. “No,” she mouthed harder but even that little effort was tiring. 
> 
> “Don’t worry about it,” Lexi said quickly, patting her hand and changing the subject. “We got them.”
> 
> _Them?_
> 
> Ryder’s mind shied away from the glass-sharp memory of Vidal and his choking hands. She couldn’t bear to examine it too closely yet. Being alive and awake was too tiring for her to have dreams but she didn’t doubt her mind would queue up some fascinating recaps for her soon. “Rest, Ryder,” Lexi said. “You’re still healing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is the start of the one chapter a week schedule. I'm trying something new, I'm embedding the image directly into the chapter. It's right at the end. Please don't just scroll to the end. Just read and then look at the art. It's a spoiler.
> 
> Art by [Soddingcloudgazer](http://soddingcloudgazer.tumblr.com)
> 
> And thank you everyone for the comments and kudos. I really appreciate every single one of them.
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

It was confusing at first. Voices murmured around her. Ryder moaned as she tried to swallow. Her parched and dry throat had practically moulded around the breathing tube. One voice grew excited, louder and more insistent. There was a hiss, then silence. Ryder tried really hard to open her eyes but her eyelids met resistance. Something was keeping them shut. It was all too tiring. As uncomfortable as everything was, Ryder could barely summon the strength to care. She sank back into the depths of unconsciousness. 

* * *

“Are you sure?” 

“I swear I saw her move yesterday!” 

“Maybe you’re just tired. You should get some rest. I’m taking over your shift.”

“Lexi said her brain waves weren’t as depressed as before. She might be waking up.”

The voices continued on and on beside her. It irritated her to no end. Ryder knew trying to call out was useless. Instead, she tried raising her hand. It might as well not be hers for as much it moved. Even frowning in frustration was too much work. 

“Kiba!”

Ryder felt a depression in the sheets next to her legs. 

“Get off, you stupid dog.”

She was beginning to recognise the voice. The dual-flanged voice belonged to Dex. She had no doubt. Now if only someone could just notice that she needed some help. Hot breaths huffed at her hand before a wet nose bumped against her face. Ryder managed a twitch in response. 

“Did you see that?” Dex asked. “She moved.”

“Yes I saw that,” another dual-flanged voice said cautiously.

_Ahhh… that must be Vetra._

Kiba shifted her attention from her face to her stump. Hot sniffing breaths warmed her stump. _Someone better make sure the dog doesn’t eat what’s left of my arm, please._ Ryder tried to roll onto her side but everything was too heavy. As clear-headed she was now, her body was not responding. 

“No, Kiba,” Vetra hissed. 

Ryder couldn’t see what was going on but she could feel Kiba’s presence. Then a wet tongue flicked against her bandaged stump. It was like fire licking her skin. As usual, pain was the best catalyst. Monitors started screaming as Ryder jerked and curled away. Dex yelling at Kiba while Vetra stabbed at the call button. All Ryder could do was to pray for unconsciousness. 

* * *

_Maybe third time’s the charm._ Shades of light and shadow danced across her closed eyelids. Ryder could feel people hovering around her. A beep sounded behind her. “Ryder, are you awake?” Lexi asked gently. 

_This is fucking way harder than I thought it will be._ A hand took her own. It was warmer than hers, rougher and larger too. “I know it’s hard but squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” Scott said. “Just once.”

Ryder aimed to crush her brother’s hand but all she managed was a slight curling her fingers. “Oh thank the fucking heavens!” Scott exclaimed. “She’s awake!”

The room erupted into cheers. Ryder dragged her eyelids up. This time nothing kept her eyelids close. She winced as the light stabbed her sensitive eyes. “Get the shades,” Cora said. 

Ryder tried a second time once she felt the light dimmed. Blinking a couple times to clear her vision, she glanced at the people surrounding her bed. All of them were there. They were grinning, wiping tears from their eyes and beaming at her. Her eyes finally stopped on Jaal and Scott. Both of them nearest to her on her right. “Hey, welcome back,” Jaal said.

* * *

The next couple of days were filled with indignities. Lexi ordered the breathing tube removed as soon as she showed she could breathe on her own. It was tiring at first to force her lungs to remember how they work but she was getting there. She had lost her voice having spent so long with a tube down her throat. Communication was a complete frustration. And without a left hand, writing was out of the question. There was so much she wanted to ask. Thankfully, Lexi gave her the run down. “You’re in a coma for two months,” she said. 

Ryder frowned. It didn’t feel like two months. Even her time in the other place felt more like hours than weeks. Lexi saw her frown. “Yes it really has been two months,” she said. “You gave us quite a scare.”

She managed a small nod. _Yeah, almost dying does that to people._ Lexi sank into the chair beside her after removing the electrodes from her head. The machine monitoring her brain waves was no longer needed. “I thought I failed you for good this time. The fever…” her voice trailed off. 

Ryder rolled her head to face Lexi. Her right hand flopped uselessly on her bed as she tried to grab at Lexi’s hand. At least she managed to get Lexi’s attention. Ryder mouthed an obvious “No”. 

Lexi shook her head. “If only I was faster, if only I had thought to have someone sit with you. All of this could be prevented,” she went on, her eyes guilt-ridden. 

Ryder frowned as she shook her head. “No,” she mouthed harder but even that little effort was tiring. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Lexi said quickly, patting her hand and changing the subject. “We got them.”

_Them?_

Ryder’s mind shied away from the glass-sharp memory of Vidal and his choking hands. She couldn’t bear to examine it too closely yet. Being alive and awake was too tiring for her to have dreams but she didn’t doubt her mind would queue up some fascinating recaps for her soon. “Rest, Ryder,” Lexi said. “You’re still healing.”

Lexi sniffed and wiped the eyes with a tissue. “Here’s the call button,” she said as she positioned the button next to Ryder’s hand. “Drack is on duty tonight. He will be right outside your room.”

Ryder’s eyes gave up and they sagged shut. She didn’t even see Lexi leaving the room. Maybe it was hours later, Ryder’s sense of time was completely fucked. 

“Sara,” a voice called. 

The voice was low and soft but it dragged her from her sleep. Ryder frowned as she blinked sleep from her eyes. The room was dark, only a night light behind her providing some illumination. Bit by bit her eyes got used to the dark. 

“Sara.”

Her name floated across the room like a whisper. Ryder grunted, her body tensing slightly. Voices in the dark always led to more shit. The heart rate monitor beside her beeped in warning.

“I’m proud of you,” the voice said. 

A shadow peeled itself from the corner of the room. Her hand instantly tightened over the call button, ready to smash it with all her strength but something made her hesitate. Ryder squinted, staring hard at the shadow. “I’m proud of you,” the voice repeated. 

She stiffened. Ryder recognising the voice. They never spoke out loud. It was all echoing in her head. The shadow stepped closer to her bed. They were wearing the familiar N7 armour. Ryder swallowed to wet her throat. “Pa?” she managed to rasp. 

_He’s always silent, always._

Ryder tracked his movements as he approached, she drank in all the details of his face. The grey eyes now a gentle gaze, the lines of between his eyes usually furrowed now relaxed and smooth. His lips no longer pressed thin in disappointment. “Pa,” she called again, her voice high like a lost child calling for her father. 

There was a sense of finality in his presence here. She had a feeling this was goodbye. 

What happened at Habitat 7 had robbed her the chance to say goodbye to him. Even at the other place, she didn’t do it. This was it. It’s her only chance to properly say goodbye.

“I love you,” she forced the words out of her raw throat. “Goodbye, Pa.”

Her father nodded once at her. A rare smile pulling the corners of his mouth up before he turned to fade into the shadows. “You did good, Sara.”

Ryder blinked. The tears that nothing but utter agony could drag from her were rolling unabashedly down her checks. A trip to the other side had shaken something loose in her. Tears came freely. She clenched her teeth as a sob clawed out of her throat. One sob turned to two and before long she was shaking as she buried her face in the pillow. 

Her door swished opened. “Kid, what’s going on?” Drack said as he lumbered into the room. “I heard something.”

Ryder didn’t answer, her body curled into itself as her sobs got louder. Drack hesitated before he dragged the too-tiny-for-him chair as close as he could to her bed. He gathered her shoulders into his arms. “I’m here, kid,” he rumbled. “It’s ok. Everything is going to be ok.”

Ryder pulled herself closer into Drack’s chest and grieved for her father for the first time. 

* * *

Lexi had started her on some basic exercises so that Ryder could stop peeing out of a tube and use an actual toilet for a change. Still, she was far from ready to take on the walk between her bed and the toilet. Her legs could barely hold her weight. Her voice had recovered though it got raspy if she spent the entire day talking. 

Her grip was improving. Just the previous day Ryder had managed to hang onto a bottle of smoothie Vetra brought her without spilling half of it. Kiba was her constant companion while the others kept up with their guard rotation, keeping the press, the Leadership away in equal parts. Nobody told her what happened to Vidal and she didn’t ask. Lexi had been tip-toeing around the subject of her cloned arm despite her questions about it. 

Cora was there for a visit after one of the many meetings with the Leadership. Tann’s trial was back on the docket after Ryder woke up. T’vera had given her the ultimatum. “We’re doing you a courtesy by informing you, Pathfinder Harper,” she said. “We could very well see Sara Ryder anytime we choose. She is, after all, a guest at the medical centre under the Nexus’ jurisdiction.”

Cora’s jaw tightened. “This isn’t a threat, Harper,” T’vera said. “I’m stating a fact. To deny Ryder of medical help would be ungrateful at best and we’re not ungrateful.”

T’vera leaned back into her chair, her fingers steepled as she looked at Cora. “I know you’re protective of her, I understand that,” she said. “But we can’t delay this further, you know that. Tann has to face judgement. Ryder has the right to see it being served.”

Cora didn’t reply. What could she possibly say? She couldn’t deny this from Ryder. She couldn’t stall her boss, actually all her Goddess’ damned bosses, any longer either. 

* * *

Cora’s eyes were clouded with worry as she sat down next to her. Ryder raised an eyebrow at her. “You okay?” she asked. 

She gave Ryder a small smile. “I should be asking you that, Ryder,” she said. “I’m not the one lying on a bed.”

Wired electrodes snaking out from the blanket covering Ryder from her knees to her chest. Electrodes covered her exposed legs and arms, and Cora was sure, it was everywhere under the blanket as well. Ryder’s muscles contracted and relaxed alternatingly. Lexi had suggested electric therapy when Ryder complained about being confined to the bed. They had used it while she was in a coma to help maintain some muscle tone. “Now that you’re awake,“ Lexi said. “This along with your physical therapy should help you recover muscle tone and get you out of the bed that much quicker.”

Despite her own apprehension, because it reminded her of Vidal’s use of electricity on Havarl, Ryder agreed. “I refuse to stay in this bed longer just because of fucking Vidal,” she growled.

Scott had held her hand through the first few treatments while she whimpered and cringed her way through it. Eventually, Lexi found a high enough current that helped but low enough Ryder didn’t get sent back into a flashback every time the electrodes delivered a small jolt of electricity. One week into the therapy, Ryder needed someone to distract her whenever she went through it. It’s Cora’s turn today. 

Ryder scratched her ear sheepishly, muscles twitching. “Well, at least I’m not sleeping all day long anymore.” 

Cora snorted. “You can say that again.”

Her hand rubbed her left shoulder gingerly, not daring to go near her bandaged stump. Sometimes her skin lit up like fire whenever her fingers brushed against the dark red vein-like scars snaking out from the bandages and up her arm into the flimsy hospital gown she was wearing. Other times, it was sharp electric jolt travelling from her stump up to her shoulder and across her chest. 

“I’ll feel better once I get my new arm,” Ryder admitted. 

Cora couldn’t help but stare at the scars. “Is it ugly?” Ryder asked, her voice a low whisper. 

_Goddess, have a little sensitivity._ She pulled her eyes away from Ryder’s residual limb and shook her head. “No, it’s not,” she said. “Don’t say that. It’s like any battle scar we have, it is just what it is.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” her voice trailed off, utterly unconvinced. 

Kiba whined, demanding attention. That broke Ryder out of her thoughts. She scratched the dog’s ears. Neither spoke for a while. Both stuck in their thoughts. “So what happened?” Ryder finally asked. 

Cora’s heart sank. She knew Ryder would ask about it but how was she supposed to break the news? The stuff about Vidal was bad enough, they had all heard it in the security vid. He had blamed his choices on Ryder. That was unfair, Ryder was upholding the law and rooting out the Collective counted among that. _How much does she remember?_

“Oh I had a meeting with T’vera,” Cora replied evasively. 

“That’s not what I’m asking about that,” Ryder said, levelling a look at her.

Cora sighed. “Are you sure?” 

She nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, tell me.”

“Vidal was arrested the same day. The courts had expedited his hearing. He didn’t bother denying the charges and we had all the evidence we needed to nail him,” Cora said. “They sentenced him two weeks before you woke up. He is not getting exiled. Vidal is too dangerous, he will be imprisoned at the prison facility they are setting up.”

Ryder nodded. Cora wasn’t surprised by the sentence. Death sentences, if they ever were still a thing, was too good for Vidal, especially after what he had done. Ryder’s hand clutched at her left shoulder. Cora could tell she was being pulled back to the past. Cora bit the inside of her cheek, indecision halting her tongue. Taking a deep breath, Cora cleared her throat, pulling Ryder’s attention back to her. Her teeth worrying her lower lip as Ryder frowned at her. “What else are you not saying?” 

She jerked her eyes to meet Ryder’s. _She deserves to hear it from me._ “That’s not all.” 

Ryder’s hand dropped from her shoulder. From the ripple of her muscles, Cora could tell, Ryder was clenching her fist under the blanket. She waited.

“Vidal had help.” Cora blurted. _Better to rip the bandage off. There’s no gentle way to say this._

Ryder’s jaw twitched and it wasn’t the electrodes at work. Cora glanced at the heart rate monitor as the rhythmic beeps quickened. “Help?” Ryder echoed, her voice carrying a tiny quiver of anxiety. 

Cora’s hand shot out and covered Ryder’s with her own. “Hey, hey,” she said, intuiting why Ryder’s heartbeat had quickened. “We got her too. You’re safe.”

“Who?” Ryder’s voice small. “Did I know her?”

The lines on Cora’s face deepened. “It’s the nurse. The one who was with you when Vidal was here. Smith. She’s Perseus.”

She watched as the blood drained from Ryder’s already pale face. She squeezed her eyes shut and an almost hysterical laughter burst from her lips. “So you’re telling me I actually helped the fucking asshole that helped Vidal fuck me over? The fucking asshole that stuck me with needles over and over?”

Cora looked away, shame and guilt flushed on her face. _What can I say? I failed you? I should have been there? Anyone should have been there. Ryder deserves better from us, from me._

The anger and frustration blazed in Ryder’s brown eyes was everything Cora had felt when they realised the truth. But Cora wasn’t the victim, was she? She wasn’t the one in a coma, fighting for her life. They were supposed to protect Ryder. She needed their help, not the other way around. _I failed her._

All Cora could do was nod. 

Ryder wrenched her hand away. The monitor’s beeps got faster but not dangerously so. “Where is she?” she demanded, her voice harsh and rough. 

“Exiled,” Cora said. “But Kandros has someone keeping an eye on her.”

A snort escaped from Ryder’s lungs. “Why am I not surprised? So she’s bait?” she said. “Why not? It is the smart thing to do, isn’t it?”

Ryder was tired, more than physically but mentally too. She’s tired of things going wrong. It’s one thing after another and another and another. There was barely time to breathe before the next wave came crashing down, threatening to drown her. Nothing had gone right. Everything she had tried to accomplish led to consequences worse than if she had never interfered. Perseus, Vidal, Cetus, all of it. Maybe that’s what Heleus was telling her. _I’m not needed. I’m not wanted. I fuck things up. That’s all that I’m good for._

All Ryder wanted was to leave, just leave, it didn’t matter where. She wanted her arm back. She wanted to ride into the wide open sandy badlands of Kadara. She wanted the wind on her face. She even wanted to have a drink at Kralla’s Song, have a soak in the public baths. She wanted to go. 

Maybe it’s bad luck, Lexi entered the room at that moment. “Ryder,” she greeted cheerfully before sensing the tension in the room. 

Ryder’s initial fear when she’s so helpless to defend herself had rapidly turned into anger, at herself, at her situation. 

Lexi glanced at Cora questioningly. Cora shook her head. Ryder watched the exchange. Lexi wasted no time deactivating the electrodes and removing them. “When am I getting my arm?” she asked sharply, unable to keep the anger from her voice. “I assumed it’s ready.”

Lexi nodded carefully. “It is.”

Ryder took a deep breath. _This isn’t Lexi’s fault. You don’t get to take it out on her. You’ll be dead many times over without her._ She forced the anger from her voice. “When can we do the re-attachment?”

Tension seized Lexi. Ryder noticed her hesitation. Lexi’s lips took on a strained smile and she said, “There are some tests we need to do before we can schedule the re-attachment.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. “What tests?” 

“Viability tests, the acid has damaged your nerves.”

If Lexi had spoken after that, Ryder couldn’t hear it. Her heartbeat thudded loudly in her ears. _Viability tests…_ Her hand tightened, bunching up her sheets under her grip. _That means there’s a chance of failure?_ She looked at her stump. _This could be me forever?_

* * *

Ryder waited, lying flat on her back on a table. Memories rattled through her brain, tendrils of anxiety pulling at her. Perspiration started to bead on her forehead. She told herself it was the room’s warmer temperature. It wasn’t the nerves. _Heh, nerves…_

She glanced at the instruments ready at the side. Electrodes, wires and machines that she didn’t understand. Her eyes snagged on the last pieces. Those, Ryder was intimately familiar with. Needles. 

Ryder was never one to have a fear of needles or injections but that was before Smith - Needles. A shudder ran down her spine. 

She turned to the side and looked through the glass window. Lexi and the technicians were readying the test. _A fucking test._ Lexi sensed eyes on her and she looked up. Ryder managed a feeble smile, feeling bad for taking her anger out on Lexi. “We’ll be starting in a bit,” Lexi’s voice came through the intercom. 

Ryder nodded and tried to relax on the table. Soon, the door swished opened. A salarian technician entered. “I’m going to attach the electrodes for the electromyogram,” she explained. “You might feel a little discomfort during the test but that’s normal.”

Ryder nodded, she didn’t trust herself to speak. The nurse was gentle, pulling her gown open to expose her left arm and part of her chest. Bit by bit, bandages around her stump unwind. Thankfully the scars weren’t sensitive to the touch then. Otherwise, Ryder was worried she’ll fail the test by default. “I’m going to clean the test area, so you will feel a cold tingling sensation,” she said as she tore open a sterilising pack. 

The nurse swabbed the area thoroughly with a cold liquid. It left Ryder’s skin tingling uncomfortably. Ryder’s eyes tracked the nurse as she moved the tray of instruments closer. One three-fingered hand picked up one of the needles. Ryder tensed, guessing what’s coming.

“I’m going to insert the needle electrode into your muscle, there will be a slight discomfort,” the technician suggested gently. “I’ll suggest looking away for this part.”

Ryder’s jaw tightened and turned her head resolutely away. Her right hand clamped over the corner of the pillow in a death grip. The nurse placed a firm hand on her stump and Ryder felt a sharp pressure. Instinctively, Ryder tried to jerk away. “I know it’s uncomfortable, I’m almost done.”

The pressure deepened and was slowly turning into pain. Ryder grimaced but kept herself as still as possible. “Done,” the nurse declared. 

Ryder released the breath she was holding, turning back to look at the metal implement sticking out of her stump. Her stomach roiled. Ryder was glad she didn’t have an appetite for food the entire day. The technician looked down at her with kind and gentle eyes. Ryder’s eyes snagged on the second needle the technician was holding. “Ready?” she asked. 

Ryder turned her head away again and nodded. 

* * *

Lexi glanced between the incoming readings and Ryder’s still form in the other room as the test went on. Ryder’s brow tightened every time a pulse of electricity was sent through her muscles. That’s what she was, grim endurance. Ryder would persist, she would pull through like she always did. Maybe ending up with more scars, more anger but she would always stand up. Lexi feared what this would do to her if the tests showed what she had suspected. 

The test was completed. The nurse re-dressed her arm after slathering it with medi-gel. She helped Ryder back into the hover-chair before escorting her back to her room. As Ryder passed, her hand shot out to grab Lexi’s. Her grip stronger than before, the exercises and therapy paying off. She crouched to bring herself down to Ryder’s level. Ryder’s mouth opened and closed without saying anything but Lexi saw the plea in her eyes. 

She needed good news. 

Lexi took a deep breath and patted Ryder’s thigh. “We will have the results in a bit,” she said, unwilling to raise false hope in Ryder but trying to remain optimistic. 

Ryder had pulled miracles out of the bag all the time. She could manage one for Ryder, right? She nodded and released Lexi’s hand. “I’ll see you in a while,” Lexi said gently.

As soon as Ryder left, Lexi turned back to the reading. Her eyes scanned the waveforms and the data, desperate to find a viable way to give what Ryder so sorely wanted, needed. She tapped on her omni-tool, “Harry, I could use a consult. Can I come see you? It’s Ryder.”

* * *

Jaal was waiting for Sara in her room. An orderly had come by with her dinner. He peered at the strange food, thick paste-like goo, long green limp things and a burnt looking block. _Strange food humans eat._

The day Sara woke up, he cried rivers of tears. His sundered heart healed in that one single instant. Evfra and the Moshae were overjoyed when he told them the news. They joined him in giving thanks to the ancestors for the miracle he had prayed for. 

“You promised we’d talk after this is done,” his words echoed in his head.

Jaal grimaced. _I hope she doesn’t actually remember what I said._ It was selfish and he knew it but he was desperate then. It had been weeks of steady deterioration and the fever that almost killed her. They had to put her in an ice bath to get her temperature down. Everyone felt helpless. The fear was palpable, there was no escaping it. If it wasn’t looking at Sara’s still form, it was Scott’s hollow eyes. Jaal’s heart tightened. As hard it was for him, or the rest of them, Scott must be feeling infinitely worse. For them to have shared a womb, a childhood and to face this. 

A cold and wet nose poked at Jaal’s leg, pulling him from his thoughts. He smiled at the dog and tossed a piece of dog-safe jerky at her. Wrench had suggested it to him when he found it difficult to sit near Sara. It became a new routine they had established. 

The door slid opened. Sara entered with a nurse beside her. Her face was turned downwards, her eyes shaded by her hand. The chair stopped by the bed. The nurse moved to help Sara onto the bed but Jaal waved her aside. “I’ll do it,” he said.

The nurse nodded her thanks. “Make sure to re-attach the IV,” she said, turning to leave. “It will restart on its own.”

Once they were alone, Jaal went down on one knee. “Hey,” he asked, placing a hand gently on her thigh. “Are you ok?”

Sara sighed, finally lifting her head, weariness radiating in waves. “I’m fine,” she said, her voice brittle, giving lie to her words.

He didn’t call her out on it. It was the last pillar holding the house of Sara Ryder up. “May I?” he asked. 

Sara nodded. In a practised move, he slid one arm under her legs and the other supporting her back, Jaal picked up her. She winced as her stump pressed against his arm. “Are you ok?”

Sara nodded. “It’s just sore.”

Once she was settled on the bed again, IV re-attached, Jaal pushed the food tray towards her. Sara picked up the spoon and swirled the goo about in the bowl. Taking a deep breath, she sighed loud and long. Sara ate mechanically like it’s an unpleasant mission she had to get through. 

“Does it taste bad?” he asked curiously. 

She swallowed, “I don’t feel like eating but…” Sara pushed the food around the plate. “I need to.”

Jaal nodded. “You need your strength back.”

Sara spooned another mouthful and started coughing. Jaal stood up alarmed. “Should I call the nurse?” he asked, never having seen Sara in such a state before.

His hand moved towards the call button but her hand swatted him away. “Water,” she managed between her coughing fits. 

Jaal turned to the side table to find the water jug empty. Filling the jug with water took him down towards the nurse station and then back. While he was filling the jug, Vetra approached with a bottle. “Smoothie delivery,” Vetra chirped. 

“Thank you, Vetra,” he said, accepting the bottle. “You’re going to visit Sara?”

Vetra shook her head. “I have errands to run, people to see,” she said. “See that she drinks that. She needs to put some flesh back on those bones.”

“I will,” Jaal said as he tucked the bottle under his arm and grabbed the filled jug. “Thank you.”

As he approached Sara’s room, he saw Lexi was coming his way. Her eyes were wet. “Is everything ok?” stopping Lexi in her tracks. 

With a hasty wipe of her hand over her eyes, she shook her head. “It’s not. Get in there, she needs someone. It can’t be me,” Lexi said. “I have to talk to Scott.”

Without waiting for Lexi to leave, Jaal’s pace hastened. He slid between the gap even before the door opened completely. Jaal paused at the threshold. Music was playing from the little player Scott got for Sara during her coma. Soft piano played, a husky voice sang. 

_My hands are shaky_  
_My knees are weak_

Sara was sitting on the edge of the bed, her bare feet planted firmly on the floor, her back hunched and her head bowed. The artificial lighting in the room casting a glow around her. 

  
_I can't seem to stand_  
_On my own two feet_  
_I'm breathing but I'm wheezing_

As loose the hospital gown was, Jaal could make out the broken and defeated body housed within. Its sleeves were lined with buttons and it was undone, no longer covering her residual limb. Sara loathed to have it exposed to others, she could barely bear to look at it at the best of times. Jaal walked carefully towards her as if approaching a sleeping Eiroch. He placed the jug down gingerly but his hand slipped and it came down with a thump. Sara didn’t react. It was like she had turned to stone. _What had Lexi told her?_

He noticed water falling from her chin down to her gown. The thin gown getting wetter as the seconds past. Her hand trembled as she clenched it tight against her thigh. His hand reached out hesitantly. Jaal didn’t dare touch her without permission. He didn’t know where he stood with her. With all that had happened, it wasn’t the time or place to talk about it. 

As quiet her tears had been, Sara took a loud shuddering breath, shattering the false silence. She had been screaming her mute agony all this time. All hesitation gone, Jaal knelt down. Even kneeling, he was a head taller than Sara. His right hand grabbed hers. The touch ripped what remained of the pillar that was holding her up. Her sobs came loud and fast as her hand clung to his like it was her only lifeline. 

“What happened?” he asked gently, his left hand stroking her hair. 

“Re-attachment is not viable for me,” she said through hitching sobs, pressing her face into her chest. 

Anger surged through his chest. This was unfair. Sara had given so much and still, Heleus demanded more. Being falsely accused of something she didn’t do, forced to endure things that would have broken anyone else, losing an arm, tortured at the hands of Vidal and now this? _Ancestors, she doesn’t deserve this._

“Why?” he demanded, barely able to keep the rage from his voice. 

Thankfully, Sara didn’t take the fierce protectiveness for anger. “The acid, it had damaged my nerves. Even if the re-attachment took, I wouldn’t be able to move it.”

Jaal felt hot tears soaked into his rofjinn, wetting his leathers and then his skin. It didn’t matter, Sara was heartbroken. She needed comfort, she needed help. It pained Jaal to see her this way. She had sustained wounds, injuries where red lifeblood poured from. She had hidden scars all over her mind. But these gaping holes in her soul. It’s something beyond Lexi's deft hands, it's beyond any comfort he could offer her. What about before? She hadn’t stopped since she was blown out of her shuttle in the atmosphere of Habitat 7. Nobody asked what she wanted. Everyone wanted something from her.

All those months ago he had walked out of her life. He had chosen to abandon his duty on the Tempest, to abandon his friends and comrades, to abandon Sara Ryder. His regret made his stomach roil and his throat tightened. 

“It’s my fault. If only I picked Vidal over Sloane. This is all my fault. If only I had handled Knight differently. Everything is my own fucking fault,” she said, her voice going from a whisper to a loud declaration of her guilt. 

Sara’s self-recrimination jerked him back to the present. “No,” he growled forcefully. “Never say that. This isn’t your fault. You did what you thought was best, you did your best. You saved us from the kett, from Perseus. You did that. Nobody can ask more from you.”

Tears pricked at his eyes as he spoke. “You do not deserve this,” Jaal whispered into her hair as he pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry, Sara. I’m so sorry.” 

"I'm just too fucking tired,” her voice quiet and strained. 

Jaal didn’t know it then but he had been witnessing the slow decay of a soul. It was now complete. 

**Lyrics taken from[Avant Gardener by Gordi](https://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiDhdPU8snZAhUT148KHTBxDFcQFggoMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Falbum%2F2QeazQ3EKDtLZ6lRdZceNa&usg=AOvVaw0OpetoDaTo14lH2h7GwyZM)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	59. Standing Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With cloning out of the question for Ryder, what options does she has?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support, comments and kudos! I really appreciate it. I have new art for this chapter!
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <\- NEW ART 
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Music played in the background as Ryder stared at the black prosthetic on the table. It was a smooth matte black, lines etched into the length and width showing where it could bend and flex like a real one would. A smooth sheath with a gel moulded interior that’s supposed to cradle her stump. Buckles and clasps that ensured a tight fit. Cybernetics, a SMART chip and servos wrapped in a matte black case. It’s a masterpiece in both technology and aesthetics. It was the best credits could buy after all. Nothing but the best for her, right?

_Is anybody out there?  
Can you take this weight of mine?_

But she hated it, it was nothing but a reminder of failure.

  
_Is anybody out there?  
Can you lead me to the light?_

Ryder ran her fingers over the prosthetic. Lights flared to life before dimming again. It was breathing, it’s alive, it’s another leech on her body. The black digits moulded to be a mirror of her right hand. It was for all intents and purposes identical to her original arm but it wasn’t flesh, it wasn’t blood, it didn’t feel right. It just wasn’t hers.

She glanced at her stump, fucking stump. Silver cybernetics embed in her skin. She had traded a chip at the back of her neck to a few smaller ones embedded on her stump. “This cybernetics will help to interface with the chip in the X75 lower limb replacement. These will help enhance the diminished electric activity within your damaged nerves. It will eventually learn by the way your muscles move what you want it to do,” the salarian technician explained.

Her eyes shining with eagerness but her enthusiasm faltered when she saw Ryder’s glare. “Thank you for your time,” Scott said smoothly. “We will give you a call if we have any other questions.”

He looked at her. His eyes a little sad, a little pissed off and just all around tired. _Fuck, so am I._

* * *

“Why?” she shouted at Lexi. “Why can’t we clone nerves?

Lexi looked at her. Was it with pity? Ryder frowned and looked away, unable to bear Lexi’s gaze. The asari sighed. _I’m a burden. I’m a fucking burden._

“Ryder,” Lexi said, her voice hushed and strained. “Nothing can fix damaged nerves, not ones like yours. The damage is too extensive. Maybe with therapy, drugs, even surgery, you can reverse some damage but it’s not optimistic.”

She knew it. She could feel it. The sudden jolt of pain, the searing agony that flared and disappeared so quick, Ryder wondered if she imagined it. Still, Ryder had to ask. She had to know.

Lexi showed her how to put the prosthetic on. It hurt, how it hurt to ease her stump into the sheath. Even with the gel mould, the skin around her stump was so sensitive, it felt it was a claw of flame around her stump. Ryder gritted her teeth and endured. Lexi didn’t need to know. Nobody needed to know. Every night, her left arm came to life. The bones of an arm no longer there shattering over and over again.

The tears that she couldn’t shed for so long were streaming down her face. Sleep was impossible. The only relief she got was when she pulled the prosthetic off, even then it only muted the pain. At least it was dull enough Ryder could endure and fall into a fitful sleep. It was the best she could do, even if pulling the prosthetic back on the next morning when Lexi arrived for another round of calibration and rehab, felt like acid burning through her veins all over again.

She’d do anything to get out of the hospital one hour quicker.

* * *

“Hey kid,” Drack called as he entered the room. “I heard something.”

He glanced about, there was no intruder but yet he heard something. Drack sniffed the air, it was filled with the bitter tang of pain.

“Kid,” he called as he walked into the room.

It was late in the night cycle. The bustle from outside was near silent. The windows were in their transparent mode, dimmed light from outside cast shadows across the room. The only real illumination was from the various monitors behind the bed.

The lump on the bed shifted and the kid’s head peeked out from under the covers. “Drack?” her voice tight.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied.

The dog growled at him as he neared but quelled after he snorted in her direction. Ryder chuckled but it cut off abruptly as she curled over her half arm. Drack dragged the non-krogan sized chair over and squeezed his frame into it. The plastic bent and creaked dangerously under his weight but it held.

“You might want to get Lexi to check on that,” he said, looking at Ryder.

She forced herself to uncurl and straighten. It didn’t fool him. He could still smell the heavy tang of bitterness in the air. “No, it’s fine,” she muttered.

Drack didn’t push. It’s her body, for her to do as she pleased. Kalros knew how many times he ignored unwanted advice. “How did you do it?” she asked, her face turned towards the windows.

The light cast a harsh shadow over half her face. Drack rumbled his confusion at the question. “You’re almost all prosthetics. How is it you’re ok with it?” Ryder clarified.

Drack leaned back against the back of the chair. The chair groaned loudly in the quiet. “It gets better after the first couple,” he said, running his claw over his armour. “It’s all internal so I don’t have to look at it. And well, after 200 years of merc work, a few prosthetics is par for the course.”

Ryder lifted her prosthetic against the light streaming in from the windows. The light seemed to be absorbed by the black of the prosthetic. It’s a black hole taking and taking, giving nothing in return. The set of her shoulder spoke of pain both physical and emotional. Drack wasn’t good at these things. He didn’t do comfort but the kid needed it. “Are you ok?” he ventured, cringing at his own shitty attempt.

“Not really,” she replied.

At least she wasn’t lying this time.

* * *

“I know you hate having a prosthetic but…” Lexi’s voice trailed off. It wasn’t the first time they had the talk. Rather Lexi talked while Ryder tried hard not to listen. As patient as the asari had been with her, Ryder knew she was testing her patience.

“It’ll be better for you to accept it. If you had kept it on, you will learn to use it faster. The onboard chip can learn to read what you want it to do quicker. You will regain full functionality that much sooner, Ryder.”

Ryder didn’t speak. She was sick of being confined to the hospital. She was sick of being coddled. She was sick of being looked at with pity. Lexi didn’t need more reasons to keep her on Meridian. Her loss of muscle tone was enough. Ryder’s legs could barely hold her weight for long enough durations to pass whatever bar Lexi set despite the electro-therapy sessions.

“Come on, just try,” Lexi said eventually.

Ryder looked at her flatly, the black prosthetic attached at the end of her stump resting limply on her lap. “Come on, Ryder,” Lexi coaxed. “Just once. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

She stared at the foreign black object. The thing that’s going to be her left arm from here on out. Acceptance was far from her mind but she had no choice in the matter. Her jaw tightened. Her brow furrowed. Ryder grimaced as she reached towards the glass of water.

“Lift with your elbow,” Lexi coached. “Not your shoulder.”

Ryder corrected her angle with a grunt. The prosthetic connected with the glass with a ting. She flinched at the sound. There was an odd haptic feedback on contact. “Do you feel that?” Lexi asked, starring at the readout on her omni tool.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Does it hurt when you move?”

It did but Ryder wasn’t going to let that stop her. Nothing was stopping her after all. Not even losing a fucking arm. If this was what she needed to do to get out of the hospital, she would do it.

“No.”

Lexi looked at her as if she was going to call her on her bluff. “Pick the glass up,” she said instead. “Carefully.”

Ryder concentrated, closing the fingers over the glass. Feedback feeding information back to her. The fingers tightened on the glass easily for a moment Ryder was surprised to master this so quickly. The glass started rattling. She frowned. Her prosthetic fingers were gripping the glass too tightly. A crack split the glass the same way a similar one split her confidence. Without warning, the glass shattered under her grip. Water gushed from the broken glass, going all over the floor. Lexi stood up to get out of the way while Ryder sat there. Her gown was all wet.

Ryder snapped. Her right hand worked the buckles and yanked the prosthetic off her stump despite the rub against her sensitive stump. She lifted it, ready to fling it against the nearest wall. “Ryder!” Lexi’s voice cut through her red haze. “No!”

Her arm stilled but kept the prosthetic tight in her grip. “Ryder, no,” she repeated, this time softer, less alarmed.

Ryder let her arm relax. The prosthetic fell harmlessly on her bed. “It’s normal not to have the finer controls down,” Lexi explained gently. “With practice, you will master it.”

_How long? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?_

She forced her fingers to remain relaxed but the vein at her forehead throbbed. Her hand came up to rub at her scar but the awkward angle made her drop her arm in defeat. “You need practice. You need to allow yourself to fail. This is learning how to use your arm all over again. It will take time.”

_But how long?_

Lexi came to her side, her head reaching out tentatively to touch her shoulder. Ryder shrank back. “Please,” she begged. “Just leave me alone.”

Ryder kept her head down, staring at her feet. Lexi’s sigh was loud but she left as Ryder asked.

* * *

That was hours ago. Someone had come in to clean up the mess. They had left a dry gown but didn’t make her change into it. Ryder would scream if they had tried. As much as she hated it, she needed the prosthetic. Lexi had said as much. It wasn’t safe to discharge her until she regained her ability to move on her own and gain a rudimentary ability to use her prosthetic.

Ryder glared at the black foreign object and cried tears of fury and frustration.

* * *

They caught Ryder while she was mid-way through her physical therapy session. “This isn’t what was agreed upon,” Scott hissed.

That made Ryder look up. Her eyes narrowed when she realised it was T’vera. She was looking better. Her arm no longer the crooked thing Ryder remembered. She sighed. _It’s been more than two months. Get it together._

Scott, who usually was busy on his omni-tool whenever he accompanied her for her daily sessions, was livid. “Director, this wasn’t what’s agreed,” he repeated.

Ryder frowned. Her hand, her real one, slipped from the bars holding her weight up. She cursed under her breath as she glared at the prosthetic that was still hanging onto the bar, not slick with sweat like the other one was.

“Take your hand off my arm,” T’vera said, her voice cold and calm. “I will not repeat myself again.”

Scott let go like he was burnt. He shot her a look before hissing at T’vera under his breath. Ryder couldn’t catch what he was talking about.

The nurse came to help her back to her feet. Ryder nodded her thanks and wiped her right hand over the sweatpants she was provided. Ryder willed her prosthetic to let go of the bar. Nothing happened. Irritation was quickly building into anger. “Fuck,” she cursed.

“Just take a deep breath and concentrate,” the nurse said. “The prosthetic is mapping your neural pathways too. It’s still learning how you think.”

Ryder bit back a growl, knowing the nurse meant well. She made a willful effort to relax the black digits. Eventually, it released the bar slowly. With a grunt, Ryder turned and walked towards the other end. She could see from her peripheral vision T’vera was approaching with Scott. He was still speaking to her urgently under his breath.

T’vera could hardly care less. Ryder could have told Scott to save his breath. The director of Pathfinders wasn’t one easily deterred. The asari stood a respectful distance away, allowing her to struggle to the end of the bars.

Ryder looked up, sweat collecting at her chin, her elbows locked to keep herself upright, her legs trembling from her effort. “Ryder,” T’vera greeted.

“Director,” Ryder replied, with a nod.

“Can we talk?” T’vera asked, looking at Scott pointedly.

“Sure,” Ryder replied easily.

T’vera stared at her. Her eyes went to Ryder’s prosthetic. Ryder’s jaw twitched and she turned instinctively to hide it. T’vera’s gaze softened. Ryder took a deep breath and squared her shoulders as best she could. T’vera gestured towards the benches lining the physical therapy room. She looked at the five metres between the bars she was using and the benches. It might as well had been a chasm. Still, Ryder needed to prove she was ready to be released from this fucking place. She would prove it no matter what.

Tentatively she let go of the bar, her prosthetic still reacting slower than her real one. Scott moved to help her but she shook her head. “I can do this,” she said.

Ryder wavered slightly on her feet. Taking a moment to shore up her will, she started shuffling towards the bench. Her legs trembled but they held. Ryder knew she could easily Pull herself over with her biotics but that wasn’t the point. She had to do it with her muscles or it wasn’t going to count.

Ryder could feel their eyes on her. T’vera’s cool, calm ones and her brother’s worried and anxious ones. _I will fucking do this._ She glared at the bench as she made her shaky way across. The nurse hovering behind her, ready to catch her if she faltered. One step, two steps and eventually she was halfway there. Ryder paused, catching her breath. “Isn’t it boring watching the cripple walk?” she asked.

T’vera glided effortlessly to the bench and sat down. Ryder almost wanted to punch her for the ease she did it. “This isn’t a cripple walking but a hero getting back on her feet,” she replied smoothly.

Somehow being called a hero didn’t have quite the ring it used to have. Ryder’s jaw clenched as she shuffled her way to the benches. It was an eternity before she collapsed in a heap on it. Scott and the nurse heaved a collective sigh of relief. “Here,” Scott said as he handed her a bottle.

Ryder poured water down her throat. The cold clean water washing the bitterness from her tongue. Taking the towel that Scott offered, she wiped the sweat from her face. It was after she had refreshed herself that she looked at T’vera. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” Ryder asked, giving Scott hard looks.

Scott had the sense to at least looked ashamed. T’vera’s eyes darted between the twins and she sighed, all world-weary from having to deal with children. “It’s about Tann,” she said.

Ryder jerked her head to T’vera. Her eyes hardened. “What about him?” she asked, carefully. “I got him for you. My part is done.”

Scott sank into the seat next to her, keeping close. Ryder hid a wince as her prosthetic sent her jolting waves of pain again. “Your part isn’t done,” T’vera replied smoothly.

Ryder shot her a look, biting her tongue, allowing T’vera to continue. “Tann’s trial date is set. You’re going to have to testify,” she said.

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“The evidence Cora and the crew found wasn’t enough? Siegfried wasn’t enough for you?” she asked. “What do you need me for?”

“Your salarian friend got Siegfried good for us,” T’vera said. “But he clamped up once he woke up. Kandros had been at him for the past couple of months. Nothing.”

“Still, the evidence should stand for itself,” Ryder pointed out.

“It is enough but this is your chance to give your side of the story,” T’vera pointed out. “You have an obligation to see this through.”

“With all due respect, director,” Scott said. “That’s bullshit.”

Ryder frowned at her brother. She didn’t appreciate being kept out of the loop. Sure, she knew she wasn’t in the headspace to care about Nexus politics. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it now. Still, Ryder would rather be kept in the loop regardless. Now, T’vera had come knocking on her door. There was no keeping politics at bay, even Cora had her limits. With Cora and the crew off doing missions again, it was only Scott, Jaal, Lexi, Wrench and Dex hanging around. Harry had agreed to take over Lexi’s position for a few missions but that wasn’t going to last either. Ryder sighed.

A flare of pain pulled her back to the present. “If I do this, will you leave me alone?” Ryder asked.

T’vera raised an eyebrow ridge at her. “Do you want to be left alone?” she countered.

Her scar on her head answered with a little twinge, reminding her what was lost. The question felt loaded, her answer felt heavy on her tongue. Scott shifted in his seat. He was as eager as T’vera to hear her answer. Ryder thought to see this through meant feeling lighter, fulfilled somehow. She had not counted on surviving that trip to Kadara but now that she did and was slated to return to some kind of normalcy what did that meant for her? Her mind was bringing up a complete and utter blank. All she knew right now she wanted out. Out from the hospital, out from Meridian and away from all this bullshit.

“Just tell me the date,” she growled. “I’ll be there.”

T’vera didn’t flinch. The experienced matriarch would never flinch, neither did she shrank back nor recoil, but T’vera did react to Ryder’s growl. A strange look passed her face, Ryder couldn’t quite catch it but she didn’t care enough to find out. She waited.

“It’s happening seven days from today,” she replied, standing up.

T’vera took two steps before turning back to face Ryder. “Goddess be with you, Ryder,” she said as if in prayer before leaving.

Ryder glanced at her brother. T’vera’s swift steps took her out of the physical therapy room. “What was that about?” she asked.

Scott shrugged. “Well wishes, I suppose.”

“Maybe,” Ryder conceded, as she pulled the prosthetic from her stump.

She sighed as she leaned back against the wall, her right hand massaging the stump gingerly. Both of them sat in companionable silence. Ryder feeling her sweet drying and the chilled air of the room sending a shiver down her spine. Scott relaxed now that T’vera was gone. “I’m sorry,” he blurted.

Ryder turned her head and looked at him. Seeing the new lines between his eyes, the beginnings of crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. _How many did I put there? Probably all of it._ “For what?”

“We should have told you about it earlier, I should have warned you.”

“SAM told me,” Ryder replied, remembering that conversation she had. The two months in between never happened for it. It disappeared like a black hole. Ryder felt displaced from time.

Scott blinked. “Yeah but that was two months…” his voice trailed off.

“You can say it you know. Yes, I was in a fucking coma for two months. It’s not a problem, Scott,” she said, eyes looking ahead, at nothing in particular. “Yeah, I can’t quite bend my brain around having slept through two whole months. I guess you can sympathise a little huh?”

Scott snorted. “Yeah, I can. For you, no time has passed but for others, it’s been months,” he said.

She nodded. That was exactly how it felt like. She fought Vidal and blacked out. When she next opened her eyes it was two months and a whole shitload of things had happened in between. “Hey, are you ok?” Scott asked, his hand reaching out to take her hand.

It was like he just remembered. His hand hovered in the air for a bit before patting her thigh awkwardly. Ryder rolled her eyes. Scott was sitting on her left. There was no hand on that end since she had taken off the prosthetic. “I’m fine,” Ryder replied. “I want out of here.”

Scott nodded. Ryder pulled her prosthetic back on, hiding her wince again. “Break time’s over,” she declared as she got back on her feet.

* * *

Seven days. It wasn’t a long time. It was hardly any time at all. T’vera didn’t look for her after that visit. Nobody told her what she was expected to do. Nobody told her what to expect. There was only one thing she was sure of. She would walk in under her own power come hell or high water. Ryder was done feeling helpless.

She threw herself into her physical therapy. Pushing herself in a manner she was used to but everyone baulked at. It was a combination of the electro-therapy, her hard work and the wonder of modern medicine that she was managing a respectable shuffle. Ryder wouldn’t be able to stay on her feet for long. She needed additional support with a cane but she’ll take it. If that’s what seven days gave her, she would take it with both hands. _Well one hand and a prosthetic._

Ryder sat on one of the chairs lining the outside of the hall. She thought she recognised the hall but she knew it wasn’t the same one that bore witness to her own trial. That was back at the Nexus, this was Meridian. Ryder figured all pre-fab structures looked the same everywhere. Still, the unfamiliar familiarity pulled at her memories. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, trying her best to keep the memories away.

“Is it painful?” Dex said, jolting her back to the present.

Ryder opened her eyes and found Dex’s staring back at her. She shook her head. This time she was telling the truth. “I’m tired of waiting,” she replied. “What’s the holdup?”

“Jaal had gone to find out,” Cora replied.

The others were all here. They wanted to be here. It’s closure for them as well as for her, she figured. Jaal came walking over to them. “They’re ready for us,” he said.

Ryder nodded and pushed herself to her feet. The cane held awkwardly in her right hand. It felt weird no matter which hand she used. That’s how she felt all the time now. Everything just slightly off, slightly wrong. She could control her prosthetic only in board strokes. Anything that needed finer control was out of the question. Writing was out the window at the moment, maybe forever, but that remained to be seen. She had snapped so many pens, she gave up. Her right wasn’t her dominant hand. It felt weird to use it for all the important things. Ryder sighed and her jaw twitched. That’s not why she was here at the moment. There would be time to dwell on those later.

The cane lurching out before her as she walked towards the doors. Jaal and Scott took the sides, keeping the door open for her. The others walked in a formation around her. They were her guards and her support. Ryder straightened her back and squared her shoulders. She’ll be damned if she looked weak to anyone. Nobody needed to know how broken she really was.

* * *

Ryder sat down, taking the outer most seat while the others took seats around her. Jaal was sitting next to her while Scott took the seat behind her. Drack patted her shoulder lightly before squeezing into a seat further along the bench.

Cora came with the usual white Initiative uniform for her earlier. Ryder was still dressed in her PT attire. She stared at it. Her fingers brushing the material lightly. “Do you still have my old clothes?” she asked instead.

The thought of wearing the uniform didn’t sit right. She was no longer part of the Initiative. Putting the uniform on felt false, like putting on a skin that no longer fit. Ryder didn’t know what the future hold but right now, the Initiative wasn’t it. Vetra arrived with her tattered and torn shirt, pants and leather jacket. It looked like shit but it fit her. It felt right somehow.

Though it was indoors, she kept her jacket on to hide the prosthetic, her prosthetic. The thought still jarred. Ryder didn’t think she would ever get used to it. Her right hand tightened around the prosthetic through her leather sleeve. Jaal noticed. He bent his head to whisper into her ear. “Are you ok?” he asked.

Her usual growl of “I’m fine” threatened to rip from her throat. She set her teeth to keep it inside. There’s no need to bite at every kind gesture and caring voice. Ryder settled for a curt nod instead. Her eyes were trained on the empty defendant chair enclosed within the biotic shield. It’s a similar one she had sat at before. She took a deep breath and tried to centre herself.

_You’re not here at your own trial. This is Tann’s, not yours. Not yours. NOT YOURS._

Ryder glanced around. The other Pathfinders seated not far away. Her eyes met Raeka’s. The salarian Pathfinder gave her a small smile. Ryder blinked not realising that they’d be here. _Of course they are. It’s their story too. I’ve dragged them through this._ Before Ryder could return the greeting, the doors slid open. She turned to see and the moment was lost. The rest of the Leadership filed in. The assembled raised and waited for them to find their seats before everyone sat down again. Addison had taken over Tann’s seat. Ryder’s eyes narrowed. She wasn’t sure if this was deliberate. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to poke her nose into it at all.

Her hand went hot and cold in waves as they waited. Eventually, the doors opened and Tann walked in. He was flanked by a pair of Meridian security. _No APEX guards for you, Tann._ The former Director looked older somehow, shrunken and defeated. His reed thin wrists were bound by a pair of omni-cuffs. Her right went to rub the familiar spot where the implant used to be on her left. She flinched minutely when her fingers grazed the cool metal. Her jaw tightened.

Maybe Scott saw the twitch, maybe this is some kind of twin sense that she didn’t have, he leaned forward. “Hey, hey,” he whispered. “Just relax ok? Your teeth are not going to stand up to all the clenching you do.”

Ryder let out a huff of breath and forced herself to let the tension go. She felt Scott’s hand on her shoulder. It was a reassuring weight.

She kept her eyes on Tann. He walked with a slight limp towards the defendant’s chair. One of the Nexus security deactivated the shield and gestured for him to enter. Ryder had expected him to protest, to fight, to say something at least but he didn’t. Tann walked in and sank into the chair. His shoulders slumped as if the weight of his sins pressed down against his narrow frame.

“The trial of Jarun Tann, former director of the Andromeda Initiative begins,” Addison said, her eyes scanned the room, eventually meeting Ryder’s. “Please be reminded this is a closed trial. The shield has been activated. Your omni-tools will be de-activated for the duration of the trial.”

Tann’s back hunched further while Ryder straightened in her seat.

**Lyrics Taken from[Carry You (feat. Fleurie) by Ruelle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rKwPblSdQA)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
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> This author replies to comments.


	60. Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was Captain Zaex and Dr. Vician that piqued Ryder’s interest. Her eyes narrowed at Zaex took the stand first. “So Captain,” Torkar said as she walked towards him after swearing him in. “What did Tann promised you for your lies?”
> 
> A hush silence followed. Everyone inhaled and held it in, waiting. Ryder suspected Tann had a hold on Zaex. It wouldn’t make sense for Zaex to cover on Tann’s behalf. Ryder prayed it wasn’t simply species politics. It would be fucked up that no matter how far they went from the Milky Way they couldn’t escape xenophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for doing the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. Thank you everyone for all the comments and support. I really appreciate it. :D
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <\- NEW AWESOME AF ART
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Prosthetic](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/173148066744/look-at-my-sara-ryder-her-prosthetic-the), art by [Oken Krow](http://okenkrow.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara, Kiba, Dex and Wrench](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/173291677699/naeviss-naeviss-i-just-couldnt-not-upload-this), art by [Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Post Cetus Badass](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/173325173914/i-nabbed-one-of-thegrideproject-free-commission), art by [thegrideproject](https://thegrideproject.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Sara Ryder - Death](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/173372767524/this-piece-of-beautiful-perfection-is-done-by), art by [Xla-Hainex](http://xla-hainex.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Ryder sat and watched. Cora was first, she detailed how they found the information cache that incriminated Tann. Bewin Torkar, the salarian prosecutor read out choices pieces of the intercepted correspondence. With each one read out, Ryder could feel eyes on her. She shifted in her seat and sniffed. 

Cora had asked if she wanted to go first during the proceedings. Ryder shook her head then, now she was regretting that choice. The trial dragged on and on. Person after person was brought to the stand and they talked and talked. Most of it, Ryder knew. There wasn’t anything new, really. 

It was Captain Zaex and Dr. Vician that piqued Ryder’s interest. Her eyes narrowed at Zaex took the stand first. “So Captain,” Torkar said as she walked towards him after swearing him in. “What did Tann promised you for your lies?”

A hush silence followed. Everyone inhaled and held it in, waiting. Ryder suspected Tann had a hold on Zaex. It wouldn’t make sense for Zaex to cover on Tann’s behalf. Ryder prayed it wasn’t simply species politics. It would be fucked up that no matter how far they went from the Milky Way they couldn’t escape xenophobia. 

“He promised to get my family out of cryo-stasis. They will be going to on the priority list,” Zaex said, his head bowed in shame. “You must understand every day I am out here and my family is not is another day I don’t see them.”

Ryder felt her heart ached a little for Zaex. She never really thought about it, how hard it was for families who travelled to Andromeda. It was different for her, her family were all on the Pathfinder team. They all got thawed at the same time. _Heh, lucky. Now separated by death and far away possibility of a cure for Ma._ She understood Zaex’s sense of urgency. 

“I am a salarian. I am already 25 years old. If I don’t do this,” he paused, taking a shuddering breath. “I might actually die before they ever get out of cryo-stasis!”

Ryder understood but she couldn’t quite forgive, not after seeing everything that spooled out from this single action. 

“What did he asked you in exchange for that?” Torkar pressed on despite Zaex’s outburst, though her face paled. 

“He wanted me to lie.”

“Yes, yes, about what?”

“Havarl,” Zaex admitted, all deflated and defeated. 

The angaras in the room sat straighter. Ryder heard a creaking sound coming from her side. She glanced down and realised Jaal’s hand clamped on the arm rest in a white knuckled grip. Ryder hesitated. He was seated to her left. The natural thing was to give him comfort with her touch. She would do it for anyone. It’s normal. Her eyes slid down to her prosthetic and her jaw tightened. Jaal relaxed his arm on his own. The moment passed. She tucked her prosthetic into the pocket of her jacket, unable to stand the sight of it. Ryder dragged her attention back to the other angaras in the room. 

The Moshae was seated among the Leadership. Her eyes sharp and hard as she waited for Zaex’s reply. Evfra looked relaxed but unnaturally still, like predator waiting to lunge. 

“I was there to locate and secure a cache of eezo,” Zaex continued. 

He went on to confirm every single thing she accused Tann of months and months ago. Ryder glanced at the Leadership seated on their high places, observing, presiding over everyone. She found the Moshae looking at her. The elderly angara dipped her head. Ryder couldn’t quite tell if it was in greeting or something more. Maybe an apology. _Does it matter? Now after all this time?_ Ryder sighed instead, burying her prosthetic deeper into her pocket. 

Next up on the stand was Dr Vician. Ryder shifted her weight, trying to ease the numbness of her butt. She remembered Vician well but she didn’t expect him to be in Tann’s pocket as well. Her shoulders stiffened as goosebumps ran through her arms. Flashes of a cold sterile room, her head being shaved, foreign hands on her body and waking up to a different life slamming into her mind. Ryder’s scar started to ache. She resolutely kept her prosthetic in her pocket, refusing to use it to press against her scar as she usually did. Scott started to rub her stiff shoulders while Jaal rumbled soothingly at her. His talons were the ones that ripped SAM from her head. As much as he was following orders, Ryder couldn’t quite find it in herself to be understanding. 

“What did former director Tann wanted you to do?” Torkor asked. Vician admitted that Tann offered to pull strings to get his family out sooner. 

_Was it so wrong to want to be reunited with their families? I wanted that too, didn’t I?_

“He wanted me to hasten Sara Ryder’s surgery to remove both her Pathfinder implant and biotic amp,” he said, his mandibles hung slack in shame. 

“Even though this was unadvisable by both Dr T’Perro and Dr Caryle,” Torkor asked in mock surprise. 

“Yes.”

Lexi seated a few seats away from her let out a low gasp. Drack rumbled a low anger growl deep in his throat. Ryder took a shuddering breath. Jaal tried to take her left arm to comfort her. She saw his hesitation. “It’s fine,” she whispered as she shook her head. 

Ryder pulled her eyes back to Vician. The rest of what Vician said wasn’t anything earth shattering. It was the same as Zaex, both were lured by the promise of reuniting with their families. _Can I really blame them? What would I have done to get Scott out of his coma early? To have Ma out of her cryo-pod, healthy and healed? What would I have given up to have that? They’re as alone as I was if not more so._

T’vera was right. Being here, listening them justify themselves helped. It’s closure for her. She could listen, take it in, let it go and move on, at least she could try to. She grounded her prosthetic deeper into her pocket even as her scar throbbed. 

Torkar dismissed Vician from the stand. A low murmur began to grow from the audience as they waited. Ryder’s heart hammered in her chest. She knew she was next. She wanted this over and not have her turn come at the same time. _Dragging my story out from me again wouldn’t do any good now would it?_

“Calling for Sara Ryder, former human Pathfinder, to take the stand,” Torkar’s voice rang out. 

Ryder raised stiffly to her feet. The prolonged period of sitting had stiffened her legs. She wavered slightly while Jaal stood to steady her. “Ready?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded, her eyes clear and steely, her mask firmly back in place. Her right hand tightened around her hospital prescribed cane, her left deep in her jacket’s pocket. Her legs moved, slowly. One step, two steps. Her back crawled with eyes. Ryder kept her eyes trained on the chair she was aiming for. She didn’t need distractions. She refused to falter here. She wasn’t going to give Tann the satisfaction to see how broken she was. Her jaw tightened. 

The room was quiet. The thud and careful step rhythm of her footsteps and cane echoed in the hall. A wave of relief swept through her as she sank onto the chair. Ryder was thankful her therapy had paid off. Torkor turned to face her. “Now please raise your left hand,” she said in preparation to swear her in. 

Ryder reluctantly pulled her prosthetic from her pocket. She knew this was coming. She had seen them swore in so many other witnesses before her. Steeling herself, she raised her left hand. Gasps rang out in the hall. She could see Addison and Kandros visibly recoiled at the sight. The others had varying degrees of surprise. Only T’vera remained the immovable rock as usual. They were all briefed on her injuries, Ryder was sure. _But nothing beats seeing the real fucking deal._

Ryder turned her eyes on the audience. Most of them were the Tempest crew and the other Pathfinders. Ryder kept her eyes on her friends. They were the ones who knew intimately, they’ve seen her in all her raging and crumbling glory. All of them had pity in their eyes. The only ones who were able to meet her eyes were Drack and Lexi. Drack gave her a thumbs up. Ryder tried to return the gesture but all her prosthetic did was twitch and send a jolt up her shoulder. She closed her eyes and rode out the pain. 

_Fuck you, hand._

When she opened her eyes again, Ryder found Tann looking at her. Her brown eyes met his large black ones. She found despair, she found shame, she found chagrin and pity. Ryder felt her heckles raising. The more pity she found, the more she wanted to disappear. Ryder wanted a place that didn’t know her with two normal arms. The vila in the middle of nowhere was starting to feel very good to her right then. 

* * *

Ryder was tired. Torkar had squeezed everything out of her. She spoke about her initial mission to Havarl, her ordeal there under the hands of Vidal, at least what little she actually remembered. They skimmed through the council session and skipped right to the disastrous day on Meridian. Ryder talked and talked till her mouth was dry and still she talked. Every word dragged out of her felt like purging a poison. It hurt, it pained her but she felt lighter after doing so. Eventually they got to Ditaeon. There, the Leadership perked up as she detailed how Dex and Wrench helped her hold off the initial attack by the Roekaar. Ryder skipped over her interrogation of Vidal, nobody needed to know that. Her hand massaged the join between her flesh and the prosthetic. It wind its way back to the Tempest and finally Kadara again. 

Ryder cleared her throat, finally taking a drink from the glass next to her, opting to use her right hand. The glass feeling foreign in her right hand. It’s an unfamiliar gesture and weight. The motion awkward and strange but it’s better than crushing the glass in front of an audience. _Nobody needs to know._

“The building fell on us,” she concluded. “When I woke up, I was already here on the Nexus.”

Torkar nodded as if hearing all of this for the first time. “So despite having been falsely accused of things you never done by Tann, put into harm’s way and stripped of your position, you still saved his life and helped prevent chaos from spreading across Heleus?” she asked. 

Ryder shrugged. “Yeah, if you want to put it that way.”

Torkar turned to Tann finally. “Do you have anything to say, former director Tann? Do you have any justifications for your heinous actions? Do you have any words of apology to your victims? To Sara Ryder who paid a high price to right your crimes.”

Ryder’s jaw twitched. This wasn’t a public trial. There was nobody to impress. Her story wasn’t a spectacle. Who was Torkar putting on a show for? Her manner was starting to grate on Ryder’s thinning patience. 

Tann was never one to turn down a captured audience. He straightened in his seat and lifted his head. “I was a fool,” he began, his voice dry and raspy.

He cleared his throat and tried again. “I was a fool but I had the best of intentions. I needed to find my people a home. I admit, I wasn’t acting in the interest for everyone but I am first and foremost a salarian. I need to take care of my kind. We’re a short lived species, 30 to 35 standard years for us. Here in Andromeda, we are deeply disadvantaged thanks to the scourge and the less than golden of golden worlds.”

Addison interrupted. “Hold on there Tann, of all shitty excuses you can give, you’re telling me you’re doing this to find a golden world for the salarians? How?”

Tann’s eyes narrowed, the former haughtiness creeping back over his face. “As I was saying,” he said. “I can’t personally locate a golden world. That’s the job of the Pathfinders, especially those who were given access to a ship.”

Ryder turned her attention to Tann at his words. Her eyes hard and cold. Tann’s words slid to a halt at that point. He covered the lapse by coughing and turning away from her. Ryder chewed the inside of her cheeks to keep from exploding at Tann. She didn’t need this trial to go any longer than it already had. Tann straightened and kept his eyes away from her but Ryder tracked his every movement. “So I had to secure what resources for us. I needed to prepare for my people,” he went on. 

Addison half stood, her face darkening with every passing minute. “What about Meridian? It was open to everyone, not just those on the Hyperion.”

“Would you or Dunn ever agree to allow salarians to be removed from cryo-stasis first? As a priority? We needed more time, have more young just to keep to the same ratio we came with, to maintain status quo. Are you saying you can assure me of that? Will there be no backroom manoeuvring to ensure humans kept their edge? Can any human here do that?”

Addison didn’t speak but her anger was still clear on her face. The room started murmuring, discussing the very real situation that Tann brought up. Even Torkor looked ashen by the implications. 

“I would have.”

Silence followed her statement. Ryder stood up, right hand tight over her cane. “I would have,” she repeated. “I did, didn’t I? I fought the Archon for all of us. I did it again at Ditaeon.”

“That was a human outpost,” Tann hissed, righteous in his fury. 

Ryder walked as straight as she could towards Tann. He, unlike her, didn’t have to his arms secured on the arm rests. She wished she had her amp, if she did, Ryder would have flared, just to get a reaction from him. Instead, Ryder settled for a glare. Tann still had his chin up but he shrank away from her. 

“Ditaeon is a Nexus outpost,” Ryder replied firmly. “It’s there to find a way to survive on Kadara. Maybe find a way to grow food for all of us there, maybe discover something useful for all of us, maybe not. But they are trying.”

She waited, giving Tann a chance to continue. “You did not give us a chance to try. I would have tried for you, for the salarians, for any one of us whether I knew you or not. You would have brought us to war with the angaras while the kett is still out there, while we have one golden world to share among all of us. We’ve spent precious time, time you are saying the salarians do not have to clean this up, Tann,” Ryder said, as her arm swept towards the crew. “I almost died for this, hell I did die from what I’ve heard, Tann. What more do you want?”

Tann didn’t speak. Ryder couldn’t believe it. Did she actually talk Tann into submission? She thought she had to use her fists to do that. Ryder flinched with her prosthetic clicked, having unconsciously made it clenched and unclenched like her right hand. 

“I had the best of intentions. I know I was selfish. I know I wasn’t doing right by everyone but I really did have the best of intentions,” Tann said, his voice no longer the fast paced, condescending tone, instead it was brittle and hollow. “I know I didn’t do it in the best possible way but it was all I had. I just wanted to make sure my species survive in Andromeda.”

Ryder stared at Tann. She had reduced the shattered pieces of a salarian to tears. It didn’t feel good. Ryder learnt revenge never felt as good as she envisioned it, Vidal was one good example. This just made her feel like a bully. 

“Fuck.”

* * *

Eventually Tann was taken away and the court adjourned while the Leadership deliberated. “Ryder,” Addison called as she was turning to go. “Join us for the deliberations.”

Ryder frowned. “Why do I get a say?” she asked. “This isn’t how the legal system should work.”

“You saved all of our asses,” Kandros pointed out. “You should have a say.”

“Will it all go faster if I was there?” she asked, seeing she wasn’t going to get out this. 

“Well, you could make sure it goes faster,” Kesh pointed out. 

She sighed. “Fine.”

Scott and Cora hovered at her side. Addison shook her head and pointed only at Cora. Scott gave her a squeeze on her shoulder before leaving. Evfra took his place next to the Moshae while Jaal whispered, “I’ll see you in a bit?”

Ryder nodded. Eventually everyone else filed out while they retreated to a side room. She surrendered her weight to the chair, grateful that they didn’t opted to stand around and talk. Her hand kneaded the sore muscles. She had asked a lot from them today. _Lexi has got to see that I’ve ready to be discharged. There is no reason I need to still be in the hospital._

“Ryder?” Addison called. 

She looked up and realised everyone was looking at her. Her eyes darted to Cora with a questioning look. _Help?_

“They were asking what you suggest as a fitting punishment for Tann,” Cora prompted. 

“Not death,” Ryder blurted immediately, catching Evfra’s eyes.

The angara had the grace to look contrite. “We don’t do death here,” she went on. “He is misguided. His actions led to disastrous consequences but not even he deserved death.”

T’vera nodded. “We’re not barbarians,” she said. “But one thing is determined whatever his sentence is, it cannot go beyond these walls. His transition must be seamless.”

Ryder’s heart sank. _So this is why this is a closed trial._

“His part in the Perseus threat must be kept secret,” Addison agreed. “The confidence the people have in the Leadership has been shaken by the attack. It wouldn’t take much more to trigger another uprising. We cannot risk that. The existence of Perseus must not be publicly acknowledged.”

Kandros nodded. “It’s been highly classified as we weed through our people to make sure none of them were implanted with the Cetus chip. We’re almost done with that part of the investigation,” he added. “Meanwhile we’re exploring various avenues to bring Perseus down. You have done a good job dealing them a blow.”

“What about Vidal and Siegfried?” T’vera asked. “What are the updates about their questioning.”

“Vidal is giving us information but everything he had is out of date. He was chipped and he doesn’t remember much before he escaped. The Cetus chip is being develop at a rapid pace judging by the difference between Ryder’s and Vidal’s chips. Perseus definitely has someone developing tech for them. Our science team is working on a way to scan for chipped and unchipped individuals. Though Siegfried is tight lipped, we will wear him down eventually,” Kandros said. “Don’t worry Ryder, neither one of them will see the light of day.”

Her hands tightened on the arm rests but it was Cora snapped. “You’re sweeping all of this under the rug? You can’t do this,” she growled. ”What about clearing Ryder’s name? She’s branded a traitor, the Bloody fucking Blade.”

Ryder understood. Addison’s points were valid but it’s again at her expense. She’s fucking tired of this. The anger in her gut flared to life as her prosthetic send shooting pain up her arm again.

“This isn’t right,” the Moshae said. “Ryder paid a high price for us. Addison, T’vera, you were there. You saw what it had cost her, and still costs her every single day. This isn’t the way the angaras celebrate their heroes.”

“But we have to see the bigger picture. We’re not talking about a change of leadership because Tann decided to step aside. The rumours are already swirling. The people are restless. We have enemies coming for us in all directions. The kett, the roekaar and now Perseus,” Addison pointed out. “We can’t afford to even seemed shaken by the events.”

Ryder’s jaw tightened as her eyes scanned the room. Kesh was still, her ridges unreadable. The Moshae’s eyes were bright with indignation. Evfra who was seated next to the Moshae had his hands in fists. Kandros threw in his lot with Addison and T’vera. Her heart sank further. Who else was going to speak up for her? Her eyes eventually settled on T’vera who was looking back at her. “You know that’s for the greater good, Ryder,” she said. 

Addison, perhaps oblivious or maybe she wanted to bulldoze her way through, said, “We’re not throwing Ryder under the bus. We will reinstate her as the Pathfinder, of course. Harper will return as her second. She will have everything back as before.”

That did it. Ryder stood, the chair screeched as it was jerked backwards from the force of her movement. It tipped and fell. The room was silent. 

“I’ll have everything back as before?” Ryder growled, removing her prosthetic arm from her pocket, pulling the sleeve up to her elbow. 

She slammed it down on the table. “Can you give me back my arm, Addison? You’re giving me the Pathfinder mandate as a consolation. That is not a job you just give to someone like a treat. It’s the fucking single most important job now. You heard Tann. His fears are not unfounded. If he had thought of it, you can be sure it’s on the minds of all salarians. This is real. Golden worlds are needed. You can’t give the Pathfinder mandate out like a fucking reward.”

Addison’s hand flew to her mouth realising her mistake. Ryder wasn’t finished, gods no, she was far from finish. “So I fucking save all your asses, I get a pat on the head and here have your old job back? What about Cora? Hadn’t she done a good job? Are you not seeing what you’re doing? You strip-mined lives like you don’t care. Fuck you and your shit. I’m done with this. Do what you want with Tann, I don’t fucking care. Stick him back into cryo. Jail him for all eternity, it’s not like salarians are a long lived species anyway, right? Exile him if you like, Kadara isn’t that bad if you get down to it. While you’re at it, throw Siegfried and Vidal down at Kadara too. Sloane can deal with the problem for you. She can deal with the full set. I got the fucking full set for you. No, let me rephrase that WE fucking got them for you.”

Cora had her arm on her shoulder. Ryder’s legs trembled both from the effort and intensity of her anger. The Moshae rose, far more gracefully than Ryder managed. “The angaras do not agree with what you’re doing. Hiding the heroism of Sara Ryder is not the right thing to do, it’s not the honourable thing to do. The Leadership had made a mistake, you all should own up to it. The people will understand. Honesty is the way forward,” she said. 

The Moshae walked over to Ryder. She placed a gentle hand on Ryder’s prosthetic. The Moshae didn’t flinch, she didn’t hesitate. Her grip was strong but tender. The haptic feedback fed the pressure back to her stump. The tension bled out of her. It left her feeling drained. “Ryder, let’s go,” she said. 

With the Moshae and Cora on her side, Ryder managed a dignified shuffle from the room. Her heart hardened. Her faith in the Leadership completely vanished. Ryder was done, more than done. She wanted out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
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	61. What’s Next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder got to her feet and let the cane drop to the floor. It fell with a clack. Her arms stretched out for balance. Lexi’s eyes fixed on her hands. Ryder followed her gaze and looked at her trembling hands betraying the sudden surge of helplessness and fear she was feeling. With a grunt, Ryder clenched them, finger nails digging half moons into her right palm while her prosthesis creaked ominously. 
> 
> “Ryder,” Lexi putting on her best patient mother’s voice as she took two steps towards her, ready to help her back to the bed. 
> 
> “No,” Ryder said, the bite of command still ringing true, despite the surge of terror running through her chest. 
> 
> _Why the fuck am I feeling this? What I am so scared of? Nothing is happening. I’m safe. I’m fucking safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are well and truly in the fifth and last section of Cetus. I'm sorry if this feel like a long and extended epilogue. This entire bit to the end was supposed to be a separate fic but the original end was too sad so here we are. My plan is to keep the once a week post until I finish writing the rest of Cetus. Not sure how that will go because I've been going back to chapters I've written to add things. This chapter has the fruits of those additional things. Hopefully, it will make everything more realistic for what Ryder has gone through. Enjoy!
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help and the story is way better for it! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

“What?” Drack roared. “They did what?”

“They offered her the Pathfinder position again,” Cora replied heatedly. “But in exchange, the entire Cetus event is going to be swept under the rug.”

“What the fuck?” Liam gasped. “This isn’t right!”

“Scratch that, the entire thing is going to be swept under the rug regardless,” Cora spat. 

“What did Ryder say?” Vetra asked, her talons tapping a staccato rhythm against her arm. 

“She told them to fuck off,” Cora sighed, anger and weariness warring across her face. 

“Hell yeah,” Peebee shouted. “They deserved it.”

“Nobody spoke up for her?” Jaal asked.

“Only the Moshae.”

“Not Kesh?” Drack growled. 

Cora shook her head. “She was quiet throughout.”

“I’m going to talk to Kesh!” Drack roared, tapping at his omni-tool.

Scott listened with half an ear to the conversation. Cora had given him the gist of the meeting right after she got Sara back to her room. It surprised him. He thought after how bad things had been, could have been, the Leadership would have learned. In the month after the showdown at Kadara, things were looking up. There were talks of a reformed Leadership structure, an expanded Pathfinder roster to include the unrepresented krogan and angara. Then, talk remained talk. Eventually, even that was no longer on the agenda. Scott sighed. It seemed given enough time, all lessons faded. Apparently, all it took were the two months Sara was in a coma. 

Scott was fed up as the discussion raged on about the others. He stood up and left. Peebee cocked her head at Cora. “Where did your boyfriend go?”

Scott was conflicted. Sara was right to tell Addison to cramp the Pathfinder mandate up her ass. But what would that mean for her? She’s not coming back to the Tempest. _Can we hire her as a freelancer? Is that a thing? T’vera would veto it for sure. What does Sara want, really?_

Regardless, this couldn’t stand. Even if Sara wasn’t returning to the Tempest, her name had to be clear. With that decision firm in his mind, he called out. “SAM.” 

“Yes, Scott,” the reply came immediately. 

“You heard?”

“Yes, I have.”

“I refuse to let this stand,” Scott declared. 

“I concur, Scott. This is an injustice.”

Scott started pacing. The clomp of his boots was the only sound bouncing off the inside of the Tempest. “Any ideas, SAM?”

“Yes, Scott. I do.”

Before Scott could ask, the door hissed and Cora stepped through. “Hey,” she said, her expression pained. 

Cora pulled him in for a hug. Her muscle-corded arms tight around his waist. Scott relaxed against her, pressing his nose into her neck, taking in Cora’s rose scented hair. “We can’t let go unanswered,” he whispered into her hair. 

“We won’t,” she promised. 

“I have-,” she said, 

“-a plan,” Scott said. 

Cora let go of him and a sly smile pulled at the ends of her lips. 

“Cora, SAM on three,” he said before counting down. 

“Keri T’Vessa,” Cora and SAM spoke in unison. 

Scott’s eyes brightened. “Bingo.”

* * *

“Lexi,” Ryder said. “I don’t care.”

“You’re not ready,” she repeated. 

“Like I said, I don’t care. I’m done being here. I refuse to stay here a moment longer.”

Lexi looked at her unconvinced. Sure, it’s been only a week since that soul-crushing meeting with the Leadership. Ryder didn’t know what they decided to do with Tann and right now she couldn’t care less.

“I can walk,” she insisted. 

“With a cane,” Lexi countered.

“Is that the problem? Fine. I’ll do it without the cane then. Here, I’ll show you.”

Ryder got to her feet and let the cane drop to the floor. It fell with a clack. Her arms stretched out for balance. Lexi’s eyes fixed on her hands. Ryder followed her gaze and looked at her trembling hands betraying the sudden surge of helplessness and fear she was feeling. With a grunt, Ryder clenched them, fingernails digging half-moons into her right palm while her prosthesis creaked ominously. 

“Ryder,” Lexi putting on her best patient mother’s voice as she took two steps towards her, ready to help her back to the bed. 

“No,” Ryder said, the bite of command still ringing true, despite the surge of terror running through her chest. 

_Why the fuck am I feeling this? What am I so scared of? Nothing is happening. I’m safe. I’m fucking safe._

Ryder took a deep breath. The trembling never still but they weren’t as bad. She stared at the opposite wall resolutely and took her first step unaided through sheer stubbornness. Her prosthesis weighing considerably less than her real hand, it pulled her slightly off balance. Lexi hovered anxiously behind but Ryder managed to keep her feet. She locked her knees and it held her weight. The second step was the same but by the twentieth, her muscles were quivering. Ryder risked a glance at Lexi. “I can fucking do this,” she growled. 

Lexi sighed. 

* * *

Scott looked at his sister. She was pissed. It was two weeks since the hearing. It was two weeks’ worth of anger and frustration, compounded by the agony of physical therapy. Lexi and Harry had taken to tag-teaming against Sara. The more strength she regained the worse her temper got. 

“Scott, talk to her,” she almost yelled at him. 

Lexi was always cool and calm under pressure, even with all the action the crew had seen and the resulting injuries and near misses she had seen. This was his first time seeing her patience all frayed. 

“She is going to hurt herself by forcing her body into something it’s not ready, or I’ll hurl her against the wall with my biotics,” Lexi huffed. “It’s one or the other.”

He understood Sara’s frustration with her weakened body. He had been there not that long ago. “These things take time,” he explained to Sara when he came to visit. “You’re more likely to injure yourself at the rate you’re pushing yourself.”

“I’ve improved so much,” Sara said, ignoring how sore her legs felt. 

Scott shifted to sit at the end of her bed while Kiba still guarded her left side. The husky eyed him suspiciously.

“I’m more than fucking ready to be done here. I don’t want to spend a single minute here longer.”

“I know but…”

“It’s torture to be here,” she said, turning her brown eyes to him. 

Scott saw smothering embers of barely reined anger. “Baby sis-“

“Don’t,” Sara cut him off. “Don’t, Scott. Don’t try to joke this away. I want out.”

He bit his tongue and sighed. He didn’t come here to fight with her. It wasn’t his purpose, not today anyway. As a peace offering, Scott asked, “Still got your omni-tool handy?”

Sara frowned at him suspiciously, her eyes matching Kiba’s. Scott stifled a laughed when human and dog shot him the same look. “No tricks, I swear,” he said, with his hands up in mock-surrender. 

She narrowed her eyes at him but took the cuff off the table next to her. She folded her legs and dropped the cuff on her lap. Turning her eyes to him, she asked, “So, what’s this about?”

“Bring up T’vessa’s vid channel,” Scott suggested. 

She stared at him, debating the pros and cons in her mind. He could see the gears turning in her head. 

“Trust me.”

Sara tapped with her right hand awkwardly. He didn’t voice it but he noticed she was doing everything with her right hand, even though she was wearing her prosthesis. At least she was comfortable with them seeing her prosthesis now. _Some progress at least._ The omni-tool flared to life. The channel immediately started playing the top news. 

“Breaking news, ex-Pathfinder Sara Ryder is not the murderer that the Nexus have you believe.”

T’vessa’s voice droned in the background as Sara watched the video. Her eyes widened at first then grew hard. Scott watched. Her hand clenched, her real one then the prosthesis. _Still a little off._ The lights along the prosthesis flared as if reflecting her emotions. 

“Did you do this?” she whispered. 

“The crew did this. We spoke to T’vessa, all of us. We went on the record,” he said. “The Leadership can’t stop the truth from going out. It’ll be a flame that spreads.”

The muscle across her jaw twitched. Scott was surprised to see tears welling up in her eyes. “Hey,” he said, shifted over to sit next to her, pushing Kiba out of the way. “Why are you crying? I thought you’ll get a kick out of this.”

Sara snorted, choking a little on her tears. He pulled her in for a hug. Sara sighed and chuckled. “I did, I really did get a kick out of this. My truth got out there but what about you all? What the hell will happen to you?”

“Relax,” Scott assured. “Unless they want to confirm everyone’s suspicions by firing the whole lot of us. They can’t do shit.”

Sara laughed again.

* * *

“The Moshae invites you to Aya,” Jaal said. 

Ryder looked up. She was packing the merge belongings she managed to accrue during her months-long stay at the medical centre. “You can rest and recuperate there,” Jaal pressed.

She shook her head. “I’ve done enough resting. I’ve had enough of being babied.”

Jaal shifted his weight from one leg to another, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. If Ryder wasn’t feeling cornered, she’d laughed at the familiar gesture. “There’s also this feast the Moshae wanted to invite you to,” he said, wincing a little as he saw her face darkened. “It’s a feast in your honour to celebrate your heroic actions on Kadara.”

“I don’t want to go,” she replied flatly.

Jaal took a deep breath. He was gearing up to persuade, to coax. “No, don’t,” Ryder said, preemptively. “I refuse to be a pawn in this political dance.”

“The Moshae just wants to celebrate your sacrifices,” Jaal tried anyway. “There’s no political meaning behind it.”

It was her turn to take a deep breath. “My sacrifices don’t need to be celebrated,” she said as she forcefully stuffed her omni-cuff into her bag. _They need to be forgotten._

Ryder took a quick look around the room. Everything was emptied out. Then it hit her. She pulled the pillow off the bed and picked up the small chip underneath. Jaal came over and took the chip from her. He turned the silver and black chip around in his hand. His eyes tracing the markings on the chip before finding the identifier. “No, don’t,” Ryder said, as she pulled the chip out from between his tightening fingers. “It’s mine.”

“Why are you keep it?” he asked. “It’s… it’s the root of all evil.”

“Keeping up with your idioms I see,” Ryder said. “It’s a keepsake. I want it.”

“But the Cetus chip…” Jaal cut himself off and looked away. 

With a quick tug, she zipped the bag shut. “I’ll have this to remind myself of the consequences of my own mistakes,” she said. 

_My own fucking mistakes._

Heat surged through her chest, the heat quickly turning into a searing pain down her stump. She closed her eyes and counted to ten before opening them again. Her eyes flicked up and found Jaal looking at her anxiously. “You’re ok? Your new biotic implant is giving you pain?”

Ryder shook her head. Her hand reaching over to touch the small bandage at the base of her neck. It was just a little sore but nothing worrying. With a proper implant and amp again, Ryder no long felt so unprotected and naked. Pulling at her biotics, it raced through her body weakly. She sighed. Another thing that needed some training.

“I’m fine,” she said, pulling the bag onto her shoulder. 

“Let me carry that for you,” Jaal offered. 

“Jaal, I may have a prosthesis for an arm but I am not helpless,” she growled as she took one last look at the room. 

She turned and walked out the door. Jaal walking behind her and Kiba at her side. Her gait steady, her bag hanging off her right shoulder, while the left was stuffed in the pocket of her jacket. _Good-fucking-bye._

Ryder hated herself. Her temper constantly on the verge of spilling over. Her emotions so fucking sensitive to anything and everything. There was the random surge of fear and heart palpitations that made her want to fight everyone and everything. She had successfully made everyone hated the time spent with her. They didn’t have time for her anyway.

Cora was nominally in charge of the Tempest but the authority still lay with the Leadership, specifically T’vera. There was no way she’ll allow the Tempest to stay docked indefinitely. Tann’s testimonial proved that Cora’s job, by extension the crew’s work, was important more than ever. She didn’t need them around and they couldn’t afford to hang around. Jaal was the only person she couldn’t get rid of. He wasn’t part of the Tempest crew and Evfra had given him permission to stick with her until she was discharged. Well, today’s the day. Everyone was going back to their lives. 

_What about me?_

“Are you sure about Kadara?”

Ryder nodded curtly, unwilling to look at Jaal. He wasn’t the first to ask and certainly he wasn’t going to be the last. She had the entire trip to Kadara to have her decision questioned over and over. _Where the fuck am I supposed to go? I’m not wanted but I’m not wanted either._

She sighed and refused to feel sorry for herself. “Kadara’s not so bad,” Ryder said instead. 

As she neared the docks, her steps faltered. Kiba growled. There was a crowd of reporters there. Keri was right at the front with Cora’s crew. Ryder pushed her prosthesis deeper into her pocket while Jaal stepped to her side, his arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder. “Come on,” he said. 

Ryder clenched her hands and nodded. There was no avoiding this. 

“Ryder!” the reporters shouted as they spotted her. 

The questions came fast and furious. Keri was the first with her question, “Ryder, do you have anything to say to the Leadership?”

“Fuck off,” she replied without stopping. 

Keri blinked not quite sure if Ryder was directing the swear at her or answering the question. Ryder didn’t care to clarify. 

“Ryder, what are your plans for the future?”

“What evidence other than the testimonials of your friends do you have of not being a cold-blooded murderer?”

“Is this a cover-up for Director Tann’s resignation?”

“Are the allegations against ex-director Tann true?”

“Any comments with Addison taking over as Initiative Director?”

Ryder hunched her shoulders, curling in on herself. Every question felt like an accusation. Why the fuck did she need to justify herself, again? Again and again. The gaggle of reporters pressed and pushed all the way to the docks. 

“Is it true you lost your arm?”

Ryder stopped. She spun around, eyes blazing, searching for the one who asked the question. Her eyes raked over the assembled crowd, many of them unfamiliar faces. Keri was still there. She gave a tiny shake of her head. Jaal bent and whispered, ”It’s not worth it, Ryder.”

Jaal’s hand wrapped around hers and gently tugged her towards the safety of the Tempest. Ryder’s attention was split enough to allow him to do that. It was only when the door closed behind them, sealing the reporters out that Ryder regained some semblance of control. She pushed her hands into her pockets, they were trembling while her heart raced. Ryder took a couple of harsh breath to calm herself, pulling herself back from the edge of a full-blown panic. 

“Keri’s report did nothing, huh?” she asked ruefully, eventually. 

“No, it did,” Jaal said. “It got the truth out.”

“Did that look like the truth got out?” Ryder snorted. “That looked like the truth being covered up.”

“The Moshae has been making sure your story is told,” he said. 

“Really?” she asked. “And the results will be better than here?”

Before Jaal could answer, Scott came into the cargo bay. He was chewing on his lips and slightly breathless. “Ahhh… Sara, there’s something you should know,” Scott said nervously.

She narrowed her eyes at her brother. “Is this going to be a lecture about me going to Kadara?” she asked. 

Wrench and Dex had gone ahead back to Kadara. Neither of them could afford to hang around on Meridian for long. The Tempest was doing her a favour by giving her a ride back to Kadara. 

Scott shook his head. “We’re ordered to deliver something to Kadara as well but I think you should have a head’s up,” he said, shifting on his feet uncomfortably. 

“What’s the problem?” she replied. “I don’t see an issue.”

Before Scott could answer the doors of the medbay slid open. Ryder lifted her head. She saw an unwanted but familiar figure through the glass that separated the cargo bay and the rest of the ship. It was Tann. He limped out of the medbay. Behind him were a pair of APEX soldiers relaxed. Tann wasn’t even restrained. Lexi walked out and spoke to one of the guards. “If he has any more trouble with his leg, let me know.”

“What the fuck,” Ryder hissed. 

She dropped her bag onto the floor. “This is your special delivery?” 

Scott sighed and nodded. “Did you know anything about this?” she asked, whirling about to face Jaal. 

Jaal shook his head. Kiba started growling as Tann and his guards drew closer. Ryder glared at Tann as he limped passed her. The once haughty director had his head hung low as he made his way past. Kiba snapped at Tann, warning him to keep his distance, Tann flinched. His feet tripping over each other and he stumbled. His guards caught him before he fell. 

Waves of anger poured off her. This was a slap in the face. “Where are you taking him?” Ryder asked, her voice deceptively calm. 

* * *

Scott knew she was pissed. Sara had gone from pissed to well and truly furious. Sara Ryder was usually loud in her anger but when she got quiet, that’s when she was barely holding her rage back. 

“Kadara,” he admitted. 

Cora was fuming when she got the orders. The Leadership decided it was exile to Kadara for Tann. Sloane was more than happy to accept the former director of the Initiative into her arms. It was obviously a power play in his eyes. Why else did they pick the Tempest to do the transport? The other Pathfinders were available. Everyone had a ship assigned to them now. Was the timing deliberate? A fuck you for having gone public with the information. 

Scott had seen the fallout since. The truth wasn’t universally accepted. People were debating it in person, on the extranet, in bars and outposts. Conspiracy theories spouted like mushrooms after the rain. Many on Sara’s side and an equal number swearing it was all a hoax, a coverup for a coup. Keri’s reports on Perseus were mostly dismissed by the public. The people moved on like it never happened. The fickle memory of the public. 

Scott was pissed. And it seemed, so was Sara. 

She glared at the back of Tann for a moment longer before pulling her bag up her shoulder roughly. “Fuck this shit,” she growled and left. 

Jaal squeezed his shoulder and said, “I’ll keep an eye on her.”

He nodded. “Thanks, Jaal.”

Kiba snorted in Tann’s direction and followed Sara out of the cargo bay. 

“You got that right, Kiba.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
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	62. Tired and Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Welcome, Pathfinder,” Sloane drawled. “Or should I say ex-Pathfinder.”
> 
> Ryder’s eyes narrowed but that’s all Sloane was getting out of her. It would take better than the like of Sloane to get under her skin. Her eyes darted to Wrench and Dex instead, worried Dex might do something stupid. Wrench had a tight grip on Dex’s shoulder. Dex, after all, was still depending on Sloane for jobs. Jaal all but growled at the self-made queen of Kadara, of the port at least. 
> 
> “Kelly,” Ryder replied. 
> 
> Sloane inclined her head. “I’m sure you have no business with me so I’ll take my leave,” Ryder continued. 
> 
> Ryder turned back towards Cora and the others who were waiting to say their goodbyes. “Is it true?” Sloane called after her. 
> 
> She turned, Kiba pressed herself against her legs. Ryder raised an eyebrow at Sloane. “Those news reports,” she clarified. “About Ditaeon.” 
> 
> “I’ve worked with you before Kelly. I was there in the caves with you. You tell what do you believe, who do you believe,” Ryder stated simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, new chapter! Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I really appreciated it! :D One of the most appropriate song for Ryder is featured here. I really think that's Ryder's song. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

She lay on her back. Her pores weeping even though the night air was chill. She curled into herself tighter in the sleeping bag. Her teeth creaked as her jaw tightened. Her breaths got heavier and quicker. The white husky lifted her head and nuzzled against her hair. It was the thing that broke her walls down. 

“Fuck!” she screamed, giving voice to the searing burn that’s climbing up her arm. 

The villa was supposed to be her sanctuary. It was supposed to be her safe harbour but there was nowhere she could escape the pain. It followed her wherever she went. Ryder groaned. Her stump hurt. She tried, she really did. 

Her right hand undid the clasps and buckles with practised ease. Too practised, too easy for something she wasn’t meant to remove often. She pulled and her stump was freed from the confines of the sheath. Tears poured from her eyes in relief as the connection broke, dulling the pain that’s shooting across her chest. The prosthesis creaked against her grip. Ryder drew her hand back, ready to fling the accursed thing against the wall. Kiba barked next to her ear. 

She dropped it and pressed her hand against her ear. “Fuck, Kiba!” she shouted. “No!”

The husky wagged her tail at Ryder. She leaned her body against Ryder, forcing her to lean against the wall behind. Kiba shifted and made herself comfortable, lying across her legs, effectively pinning her to the sandy floor. Ryder sighed, resigned to sitting there for a bit. 

“Play music,” she said out loud. 

Her omni-tool blinked to life, bathing the darkened room in a warm orange glow. She closed her eyes and allowed the music to wash over her. 

_Disgrace, give me a break_  
_I’m trying to die happy someday_

Her hand was scratching absently at Kiba’s belly. The dog gave her a happy huff. Ryder sighed. 

  
_Heaven, let me come stay?_  
_What would it cost_  
_How would I pay?_

She winced as her stump sent another jolt. “Why does it still fucking hurt so much?” she whispered. 

The question hung in the air like a spectre that refused to leave. The silent room had no answer.

  
_Please just, save me a place_  
_Tired and I’m awake_

It’s been weeks back on Kadara but she barely did anything. Time on Kadara port was unbearable. Keri’s newsreel spread like wildfire as predicted. The truth let loose haphazardly. It was uncontrollable and got distorted with each telling. Her truth wasn’t everyone’s truth. 

* * *

Sloane was there at the docks to welcome Tann to her little domain while And of course who didn’t recognise Ryder now after that throng of reporters who ambushed her at Meridian. News travelled at faster than the speed of light after all. 

“Welcome, Pathfinder,” Sloane drawled. “Or should I say ex-Pathfinder.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed but that’s all Sloane was getting out of her. It would take better than the like of Sloane to get under her skin. Her eyes darted to Wrench and Dex instead, worried Dex might do something stupid. Wrench had a tight grip on Dex’s shoulder. Dex, after all, was still depending on Sloane for jobs. Jaal all but growled at the self-made queen of Kadara, of the port at least. 

“Kelly,” Ryder replied. 

Sloane inclined her head. “I’m sure you have no business with me so I’ll take my leave,” Ryder continued. 

Ryder turned back towards Cora and the others who were waiting to say their goodbyes. “Is it true?” Sloane called after her. 

She turned, Kiba pressed herself against her legs. Ryder raised an eyebrow at Sloane. “Those news reports,” she clarified. “About Ditaeon.” 

“I’ve worked with you before Kelly. I was there in the caves with you. You tell what do you believe, who do you believe,” Ryder stated simply.

Sloane’s mouth pursed, her eyes withdrawn. Ryder didn’t wait for her response. She didn’t need the good opinion of Sloane Kelly to sleep at night. Turning her back on Sloane, Ryder walked towards the others. 

The goodbyes were long and drawn. Every single one of them looked at her like it was the last time they’re going to see her. “I’m not dead, guys,” she said. “Can you all stop looking like that?”

Scott laughed but it didn’t reach his eyes. Ryder saw the truth behind his eyes. She disappeared from their lives once. It lasted months and it took a Roekaar attack to bring her back again. She swallowed the lump that’s forming in her throat. She had put them all through too much. She had no right to keep them around her orbit. They had better, greater and more important things to do. 

Ryder pulled her brother into a hug. “Take care of yourself,” she said gruffly. 

“I should be the one telling you that,” he countered.

She went around, hugging everyone. All of them have something to say. A reminder of things to come, dates set and promises made. “Kid, Kadara is too small for you. When you’re bored, give me a call we can go eiroch hunting,” Drack said. 

Ryder’s face twisted, remembered the last eiroch she encountered, while Dex’s mandibles spread wide at the hint of eiroch hunting. Trust the boys to find it exciting. Ryder snorted and shook her head. “Only you, old man, will suggest eiroch hunting,” she laughed. 

Cora pulled her close and tightened her arms around her. “Ryder, know that you will always have a place on the Tempest,” she whispered into Ryder’s ear. “And thank you for saving my life.”

Ryder grinned. “Not something I ever will regret doing, Cora. Take care of Scott for me,” she said. 

Scott frowned and shook his head in response while Cora smacked him on the arm. Lexi was the last. Ryder smiled at her sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Lexi,” she started. 

The asari doctor raised a hand and Ryder stopped mid-sentence. She tapped a couple of times on her omni-tool and Ryder’s omni-tool beeped in respond. She raised her eyebrow at Lexi and waited for an explanation. “Ryder, no apologies needed. I understand your frustration,” she said as she took Ryder’s hands in her own. 

Ryder grimaced, seeing her black hand in Lexi’s blue ones. Her prosthesis sending her feedback as Lexi’s fingers tightening over her own. “Ok, I’ve just sent you a list of things you need to do to keep up with your physical therapy. I expect at least weekly update on how you’re doing if you don’t want me to rain hellfire on you,” she warned. 

Ryder chuckled and nodded. At that moment, she did intend to keep her promise.

* * *

The people at Kadara port recognised her wherever she went. She specifically came to Kadara for anonymity and it’s nowhere to be found. There was a crowd when she visited Palin. The krogan slapped her on the back, making her stagger. 

“I didn’t know I was tattooing the Pathfinder all this time,” she crowed, delighted at the attention her parlour was getting. 

Ryder sighed. “I like you better when you didn’t know who I am and by the way, it’s ex-Pathfinder, Palin.”

The krogan laughed. “The usual?”

Ryder climbed onto the tattoo bed in reply, turning her head to give Palin room. The krogan snapped on some heavy duty gloves and shifted over. “What will it be today?”

It was quick work to get the tattoo. Ryder stared at her reflection in the mirror. Twisting her head to get a better look at the tattoo running along her scar. It’s complete now. 

**SAM|SR|JAD|CH|LT|ND|PB|LK|VN|SA|KJ|GB|ER|AR**

“Ryder!” someone called. 

She turned and sighed. It was one of her new fans. Well, more like fans with air quotes. Ryder wasn’t amused with this new found attention. Tapping on her omni-tool, she paid Palin. 

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Palin smiled, she turned to the crowd outside. “Now who wants to get a tattoo from the Pathfinder’s favourite tattoo artist?”

Ryder rolled her eyes and left, a small crowd peeled off to follow her. “Hey, is it true you cast down Tann?” one asked. “You’re my hero if you did that.”

Her head was already aching from the fresh tattoo. The situation was not improving her disposition. “I don’t think so, she is the Bloody Blade, after all, she would finish Tann if it came down to it,” another replied. 

Ryder stopped in her tracks. The crowd froze. Spinning around to face them, she growled, “Leave me the fuck alone.”

“Fuck man, I was just trying to pay you a compliment,” the voice called as she walked away. 

Usually, the pain from the tattoo was a cleansing fire that cleared her head. It wasn’t working like it usually did. The ache of her stump pulled at her soul, the noise from the people were flies that refused to leave her alone. All of it made her sick of the Port. 

Thus far, the only advantage she found were free drinks at Umi’s. And she didn’t particularly enjoy being intoxicated in the first place. The only other perk was angaras thanking her for saving the Moshae. It seemed angaras trusted their government more than the Milky Way species did the Leadership. Roekaar activity faded. Was it as a direct result of the Moshae’s spreading the truth? Ryder had no idea. Either way, she was grateful. 

Jaal stuck around longer than she expected but eventually, duty called like she knew it would. “Will you be ok on your own?” Jaal asked, his reluctance to clear in his eyes.

“I’m not alone, Jaal,” Ryder reminded him. 

Her prosthesis sending her a jolt of pain, making her winced. “Is it your arm?” he asked. “You really should get Lexi to take a look. I don’t think it should be hurting you.”

“I’m fine, I just didn’t put it on properly today,” Ryder explained feebly. “Come on, you have a shuttle to catch.”

That was weeks ago. Ryder was sick of the stares and eventually took the bike out and retreated to the villa. Wrench forced her to take Kiba with her. “The dog belongs with you more than with me,” she said flatly. “Besides I’m busy.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow. Wrench was still fixing hover bikes but less so than before. She was heading out a lot instead, being secretive, more so than usual. Wrench was a private person, there’s no need for Ryder to abuse her hospitality by prying into her affairs. 

Out in the badlands alone, the pain came and went. She weathered it. Nights were worse than days but bad nights turned into bad days. The lack of sleep made it harder and harder to work. It was dangerous enough in the badlands but not having enough sleep out here was a bad idea. Ryder knew enough to not venture out after a bad night. Recently, every night was a bad night. The only thing she bothered keeping up was her therapy. Biotics, physical and weapons. She trained her right hand, over and over again. Firing her Carnifex with her right hand, training her aim all over again, teaching her body the new balance. It all took time and it eventually her right hand started to hurt as well. 

Ryder spent nights clinging to Kiba’s fur and tried to hang on for the dawn. 

* * *

Dex palmed the door. Inside was dark. He frowned. _Where’s Ryder?_ He tapped his omni-tool to turn the lights on. It blinked once before coming on. The usually sandy but neat room was trashed. It felt like a mini tornado had ripped through, scattering ration bars, dog food and litter in its wake. Her prosthesis was nestled among her sleeping bag. He frowned. _What is she doing without her prosthesis?_

Dex walked over to the scattered ration bars and checked the date. It was part of the supply run he delivered two weeks ago. Ryder should have come into town last week for more supplies but she didn’t. Pinging her on the omni-tool only got him one-word replies. Scott and Jaal were pestering for updates and he had none to give. Dex flicked his mandibles in worry and annoyance. _Why can’t she reply to her messages like a normal person?_

Dropping his bag of supplies, he tidied up the place as best as he could. It took him an hour but he got things as clean as he could. _Could she be on the roof?_ Dex checked the time, it was close to high noon now. 

On a whim, he climbed the steps. The flat area at the top where they used to train was a place of fond memories for Dex. Experimentally, he flared. Blue flames licked across his arms. A surge of pride warmed him. Ryder taught him well and he ran with the training. There was still much to learn. He intended to resume training as soon as Ryder was able to. 

Dex peeked up over the last couple of steps. As much as turians being suited to heat, Dex was unwilling to stay out in the heat for too long if he didn’t need to. He didn’t see anything just some crates and a pile of bedding on the roof. He would have gone back down the steps if it wasn’t for a streak of white fur racing towards him, barking. 

“Kiba!” 

The husky barked and ran away from him. Dex followed. His heart racing. Kiba ran over to the pile and nuzzled it. Dex bent and pulled the bedding apart. Ryder was curled, her right hand clutching her residual limb. Dex didn’t speak, he recognised the tightening of her shoulders, the clenching of her jaw. He had seen it all before albeit under different circumstances. Ryder was in pain. He pulled her right arm over his shoulder. Ryder hissed in pain. 

“Come on, we’re going to Nakamoto,” he said. 

* * *

Jaal stepped off the shuttle. He checked his omni-tool. Ryder still hadn’t reply his message yesterday, the one two days ago, the one a week ago. The last one he got was just a one-word answer of “fine” last month. 

_Last month. Ancestors, why is it so hard to just send me a reply?_

News from her went from little to none. “I’m concerned,” he told Scott via vid-comm as soon as he reported in. 

“I am too but she has to rest and heal. And she deserves to do as she pleases,” Scott replied. “We will be able to swing by Kadara soon but meanwhile we have to rely on Wrench and Dex to keep an eye on her.”

Jaal hummed, unconvinced. He knew how stubborn Ryder could get. “I still think I should check in on her,” he said, rubbing his hand over his forehead. 

Scott folded his arms, he sighed. Jaal and Scott had gone from awkward comrades to staunch allies since the events of Kadara. And he learned to read Scott Ryder as well as he did with his sister. Scott was stressed and worried. It wasn’t only about his sister. “Is everything all right?” Jaal asked. 

Scott shook his head. “They found something on Meridian,” he said. “Another vault.”

“What’s so unusual about that?” Jaal pressed. “I’m sure Meridian is filled with more undiscovered treasures.”

Scott sighed. “Yeah, that’s true but nobody has been able to open this one. They had the other Pathfinders try it but they had no luck. Now, they’re asking Cora to head down to give it a try.”

“That’s odd,” Jaal frowned. “I’ll pass the news along to the Moshae. Maybe we have scientists who could go down and lend a hand. We have been researching these vaults far longer than you.”

“I appreciate that Jaal,” Scott said. “And when you get to Kadara, let me know what’s what with Sara. Tell her I’ll come as soon as this thing with Meridian is settled.”

“Will do, Scott.”

With that, the vid-comm was terminated. Jaal stood and begin his preparations to make his way to Kadara. First, he needed to seek Evfra’s permission to go. Jaal shouldered his pack and left his apartment. He tried packing light but he couldn’t leave his weapons behind, not for Kadara. Even though he was sure Ryder would never allow him to hover around her for long, he didn’t intend to let her go on too long on her own. As much as she pretended to be a lone wolf, she thrived when she had people with her. Wrench and Dex had their own lives to lead, it wasn’t fair to expect them to be there all the time for Ryder. This was his responsibility.

Jaal entered the Resistance headquarters to find Evfra surprisingly not occupied with battle plans and squad movement. “Evfra,” he greeted. “I’m surprised to see you this…”

For a while, he couldn’t find the right words. “Relaxed?” Jaal finally ventured. 

Evfra laughed, his voice deep and rumbling. Jaal smiled. It was a laugh he had not heard in a long time. “Ryder has done good work,” he said. “Angaras have heard the true deeds of Sara Ryder. Roekaar activities are at an all-time low, thanks to her. We have taken the power away from the Bloody Blade story when the Moshae declared her the Spear of Justice. We found nothing about Perseus but their activities were concentrated on the Leadership. All I have are the kett to occupy my attention at the moment. Even that, after the Archon’s death, was minimal at best. It’s the most relaxing time I’ve ever had since the kett arrived.”

Jaal smiled and nodded. Evfra put the datapad down on the desk. “Jaal, what do you know about Heskaarl?”

He folded his arms and shrugged. “They are the elite force of the Resistance and they go where our regular troops can’t,” Jaal replied, wondering why was Evfra testing him over something so simple. 

It was every angara’s dream to join the Heskaarl. They were the elites. A member was always recommended by another Heskaarl for training. Their numbers kept low due to the high attrition rate of training. These were warriors forged in the heat of battle and honed by training with the best. Jaal’s eyes narrowed. _Could it be?_

“Andraknor asked for you,” Evfra confirmed. “He has been keeping tabs on you and your work. I was supposed to approach you with the invitation officially but you’ve stuck on Meridian for so long.”

“Ryder needed me,” Jaal protested. “It’s only right that the Angara Nations support her in her recovery.”

Evfra raised his hands. “You will get no argument from me. We owe Ryder a great debt. How is she though? All I know she has left Meridian and returned to Kadara.”

The older angara’s mouth twisted at the mention of Kadara. No angara in their right minds would bear living in that lawless hellscape. Jaal wondered what Ryder saw in Kadara. He sighed. “I’ve not got any word from her for a while. That’s why I’m here. I’m requesting permission to go to Kadara.”

Evfra nodded without hesitation. “It’s your down rotation now. Go to Ryder but be back here when it’s time for your next deployment,” he ordered. “I’ll need your confirmation when you get back. Andraknor will be waiting for a response and he wouldn’t wait too long for you.”

Jaal nodded. His chest puffed with pride. Being chosen for Heskaarl training was a great honour and a testament to his achievements. But the training would take months? Who knew how long? Heskaarl were particularly tight-lipped and they are a close-knitted fellowship. It would be months he wouldn’t be able to check in on Ryder. Worry flared in his chest again. Evfra looked at him and sighed. 

“Andraknor has specifically listed your stint on the Tempest as a deciding factor.” 

“Another thing to thank Ryder for then,” Jaal said. 

Evfra raised a brow at him. “You think this was reflected glory?” he shook his head at the younger angara. “No, you deserved this.”

“Go to your Pathfinder, Jaal,” Evfra said. “And give me your response when you return.” 

* * *

After dropping by Evfra’s, it was a quick trip to the Moshae to pass along Scott’s request. “Enter,” a voice called from within. 

Jaal stepped in to find the Moshae speaking to her assistant. “That will be all,” she dismissed the younger angara, who quickly left. 

“Jaal,” the Moshae greeted, holding her hands out to allow Jaal to mingle bio-electricity fields with her. 

He took her hands and reached out with his field. The Moshae returned waves of calm and peace. Jaal closed his eyes and accepted it. When he opened his eyes again, his mind was clearer and quieter. His worry for Ryder was still there but it was no longer the urgent blaring alarm going off in his head. He acknowledged his worry and let it go. “Thank you,” he said. 

“Come, sit,” she gestured towards the cushions. 

Jaal shook his head instead. He told the Moshae about Scott’s need. “I will see to it Scott and Pathfinder Harper gets the help they need,” she said, her eyes took in the lines across his brow, the bags under his eyes. “How’s Ryder?”

He shook his head. “I’m worried. There has been no news for a while. Dex will be checking in on her today. I hope to leave for Kadara later.”

The Moshae nodded. “Go to her. She needs support whether she wants it or not. The Leadership’s decision to keep everything under wraps was probably the last straw. And I don’t blame her. This isn’t the time for her to be alone.”

Jaal nodded. “That’s what I intend to correct.”

* * *

His strides were long and purposeful. His face a scowl as he cut through the crowd at Kadara Port like a hot knife through butter. 

“Get to Nakamoto as soon as you’re here. It’s Ryder.”

That was the extent of Dex’s message and it bothered Jaal to no end. Dex wasn’t accepting vid-call requests and neither was Wrench. His eyes caught sight of a familiar figure. Tall, lanky and he walked with a limp - Tann. He had a datapad in his hands, dressed in Outcasts typical clothes, his skin dry and coated with sand and dirt. Jaal couldn’t help but stopped to watch. 

Tann didn’t notice his audience. The salarian was busy tallying some crates against his datapad. Kaetus had his arms folded across his chest, looking bored as he watched Tann worked. 

“Get a move on Tann,” Kaetus drawled. “You’re taking all day.”

“This has to be accurate, otherwise it will be meaningless,” Tann pointed out, his voice edging back to his usual haughtiness. “Kelly wants an accurate tally of her assets and this is the only way to do it. Do you even understand that?”

“Yeah, so you have eight items on the datapad and there are eight crates here,” Kaetus pointed out. “How hard is that? Are you just trying to piss me off?”

Tann cringed away, his body hunched as if waiting for a blow. “No, no,” he cried fearfully. 

Kaetus didn’t raise a single talon. Jaal watched the turian’s mandibles pressed tight against his face in disgust. “Get it done,” he said, turning away. 

Sloane’s enforcer turned away and caught Jaal watching them. A look of recognition passed between them. Jaal wasn’t sure how he felt about how Tann was being treated. Sure, he deserved punishment but to give him to Solane was literally sending Tann to be tortured. Jaal stiffened, suddenly occurring to him that was precisely what Ryder had done with Vidal. 

_And look what happened._

Jaal shook his head. There was nothing he could do about the past but only work towards something better for the future. Everyone made mistakes and Ryder was no exception. Her past and the tangled lines of cause and effect was too complex to even try to untangle. Nobody was right and nobody was wrong. It was all an utter mess. 

One thing was clear right now. Jaal’s priority was Ryder and nobody else. 

He arrived at Nakamoto’s makeshift clinic in time to see Dex being Pushed out of the clinic. The young turian fell to the ground heavily but bounced to his feet quickly and entered the clinic. 

_What in the name of the ancestors is going on?_

Jaal was tempted to get his sniper rifle out but considering he was entering a clinic, he thought better of it. His hand settled against the pistol at his hip. Fingers wrapped around the grip, ready to unholster it in a flash. Jaal stalked towards the entrance as if ready for a raid. Then he froze. 

He found two biotics, Dex and Ryder warring. Nakamoto had flattened himself against the wall, trying to keep out of the way. While the other patients were forced to the back of the clinic. “Get out of the way, Dex,” Ryder growled, her arms aflame with blue but there was a telltale tremble in them. “I can’t stay here.”

Dex hunched his shoulders and bent his legs. “You’re so weak you couldn’t beat me in a fair fight. You’d be out of here if you could.”

“Just leave me alone!”

Jaal stepped into view and dropped his bag onto the ground with a thump. Dex turned to look at him. Ryder took the opportunity and threw a Stasis over him. “Cheater!” Dex yelled.

Jaal recognised the move she pulled was weaker than before. Dex strained and flexed his limbs. He wasn't bound as tight as Jaal expected him to be. Ryder walked past Dex when she drew near, Jaal stepped in her way. 

“Not you too,” she groaned. 

Up close, Jaal could see the sheen of preparation across her forehead. Her skin pale and unhealthily so despite the Kadara sun. Her breath came faster than the effort she expanded. Her hand shook a little before she hid them in her pockets. 

He frowned. “Ryder, what’s going on?” 

“I’m fine,” she said, the words clipped and curt, completely unconvincing.

Jaal glanced over Ryder’s head at Dex and Nakamoto. The young turian had almost wriggled free from Ryder’s rapidly failing Static. “Her arm is giving her problems. She’s not eating, not sleeping. She is far from fine,” Dex rebutted. 

Ryder didn’t wait for Dex to finish and attempted to push past Jaal. Instinctively he grabbed her arm. She hissed and pulled away from him, clutching her left arm. He let go as if his hand was burnt. Keeping Ryder in his view Jaal jerked his head at Nakamoto, “Is there anything you can do for her?”

Nakamoto shook his head. “All I have is some simple painkillers, she needs something more than that,” he said. 

“There must be something you can do,” Dex insisted. 

Nakamoto shook his head, finally relaxing enough to start putting his clinic back to rights. “Her nerve damage is far too extensive for me to do anything with my supplies,” he said heedless of the look Ryder shot him. “This is chronic pain, long-term and may be permanent.”

Ryder shrank in on herself at that, her right hand pulling her left arm protectively closer to her body. “Just leave me alone,” she whispered as she weaved around Jaal and left. 

Her words hung in the air in the muggy air of Kadara slums. By then the Stasis had dissipated, Dex ran after Ryder, giving him a nod as he went past. Jaal sighed. Fishing a credit chit from his pocket before handing it to Nakamoto. “For the damages.”

The human doctor pocketed it. For a while, both of them righted overturned beds and chairs while the other patients returned to their former position on the beds. “How bad is it?” Jaal asked, his voice pitched low. 

There was no need to advertise the severity of her injuries on Kadara especially now that her identity was known. There was no telling what enemies she might have lurking. 

Nakamoto glanced his other patients, sure that they didn’t need his attention before he motioned Jaal to follow. When they had secured their privacy, Nakamoto answered. “It’s nerve pain, maybe phantom limb pain that’s bothering her. Ok, maybe bothering is putting it lightly. It’s obvious that she isn’t sleeping and the pain has affected her appetite so she’s not eating either. Dex bringing her here triggered a panic attack. I know her well enough to know she wouldn’t use her biotics lightly. I don’t know what exactly happened to her but she is not dealing well being in an unfamiliar clinic.” 

Jaal nodded, taking notes on his omni-tool. _She needs Lexi._

“She has been insisting that she’s fine but it’s clear she’s not. You shouldn’t leave her alone no matter what she says. That’s the pain talking.”

“But she was doing so well before,” Jaal pointed out. 

“That’s when she had access to good painkillers which they would have weaned her off when she was to be discharged. And if you don’t mind me saying, your ex-Pathfinder lies. She lies about her own health, thinking that’s the right thing to do. From what little I have seen of her scars and the fact she’s using a prosthesis, the nerve damage must be rather extensive. It isn’t just the physical wound but the emotional and mental ones as well. She hadn’t accepted the loss. And Ryder suffering from panic attacks isn’t surprising given everything I’ve heard.”

Another small sigh escaped his lips as Jaal nodded. “She can’t stay here,” he concluded. 

Nakamoto nodded, agreeing with his assessment. “She is used to handling things herself, her way. She was successful at it. I’ve seen T’Vessa’s vid if half of it is true…” Nakamoto shook his head. “I can’t imagine how she does it but obviously handling things her way had always worked for her and now it’s not. Not only that, she sees herself as lesser than she was before. Many of these things can be rectified. Her biotics, her physical strength, sure but her arm, there’s no fighting her way to another one. That’s what is throwing her off, over and over again.”

Jaal looked at the doctor stricken at his frank assessment of the situation. For a while, neither spoke. “Go, your Pathfinder needs you,” he said. 

Dex sent him a message. He managed to drag Ryder back to Wrench’s workshop. Jaal arrived to find the bunker locked and Kiba guarding its door. He pointed at the door and Dex nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on her,” Jaal said. 

Dex nodded and left. He sank into the sofa and tapped out a quick message to Scott before approaching the door. Kiba growled at him but Jaal ignored it and ruffled her fur instead. She snorted in reply, having her bluff called. “I missed you too, big girl,” Jaal said. “Now you mind getting out of the way?”

Kiba stood up and padded a few steps away. Jaal rapped his knuckles against the door. “Ryder.”

There was no response. For a while, he was reminded the times Teviint, his younger sibling, throwing a tantrum. “You can unlock the door or I can hack my way in,” he said. 

Still, no response. Jaal tapped on his omni-tool pulling up the hacking software he had written, he was barely getting started when the lock changed from red to green. Without giving her a chance to change her mind, Jaal palmed the door open. Kiba squeezed her way in from between Jaal’s legs. The husky went immediately to the figure sitting on the bed. Ryder was pressed against the corner, legs were drawn up, trying to make herself as small as possible. 

It was still daylight outside but inside, it was dim, oppressively so. The atmosphere heavy like a literal weight on his shoulders. Music drifted softly from her omni-tool. Strings plucked and strummed, a soulful voice sang.

_Come on home let yourself heal  
You could sleep for a thousand years _

His heart clenched at the sight of Ryder. The quiet strength and fierce loyalty embodied in a broken and tired body too small to encompass all her deeds. Sara Ryder was too good, too bright for Andromeda. 

  
_And I won't let you disappear  
Let your heart beat here_

Huddled and hunched, she forced herself into a corner, trying to disappear. Pain and guilt mingling within her small frame. Jaal could feel it radiating from her. Her skin tinged orange by the light from the omni-tool, her hands steadier than before but still clenched tight. He blinked the tears from his eyes.

_You've been running far and wide  
Doing what you hope is right_

This wasn’t right.

_Chasing what you feel inside  
And I will take your path as mine_

It’s wasn’t how a hero should end at the end of her journey. She had done everything asked of her and then more. _Ancestors, this is wrong._

Drack recounted how he pulled Ryder and Cora from the rubble. Cora only recounted in vague details what happened while they were trapped but Jaal heard the pain in her voice. Guilt was a familiar friend. It walked next to him every time he saw Ryder. The scar and tattoo on her head were new to him. He spent hours staring at it while Ryder was in a coma. Two whole months’ worth of it. His eyes traced his initials etched into her skin over and over. _I don’t deserve a place on her body._

Jaal bit back a sigh. This was the only way he knew how to make amends. He learned enough to know doing what she wanted wasn’t always the best thing for her. He crossed the space between them and sat down beside her, close but not touching. Kiba hopped up the bed easily and lay against her drawn up legs. 

The song ended and the silence stretched, lengthening and widening. It’s a suffocating presence that crept into every crack and crevice, filling his ears with a high pitched whine, choking his throat. Jaal closed his eyes against the overwhelming silence. Then, a whimper broke the uneasy balance. His eyes snapped open. Jaal looked at her, his heart tight against his chest. “Ryder, I-“

Her body crumbled and leaned against his. “Tell me it will be ok,” she whispered. “Tell me it won’t hurt anymore.”

**Lyrics taken from[Tired and Awake by Oliver Riot](https://soundcloud.com/oliverriot/tired-and-awake)**

**Lyrics taken from[Heart Beat Here by Dashboard Confessional](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Pdlf5BVgKE)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	63. Ups and Downs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theris nodded. “I’ve underestimated Ryder, not just her capabilities but the depth of her commitment to the Initiative, to Andromeda,” she admitted. “Her father would have been proud.”
> 
> “We all have,” Rix said. “Without her, there will be no turian ark.”
> 
> “No salarian ark,” Raeke continued. 
> 
> “No asari ark,” Theris finished.
> 
>  
> 
> _Ryder, if only you could hear this. Your actions and efforts aren’t going unseen, unappreciated._
> 
>  
> 
> “If you can, pass along our message to Ryder,” Rix said. “It’s the least we could do. And Harper, we know the truth. The real truth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> I’ve done [a thing on Tumblr](https://seokanori.tumblr.com/post/173936772991/fire-and-ice), go check it out. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for their support. I'm trying hard to get the chapters and story done. The chapters I am currently working on is kicking my ass but I will keep at it. I'm pretty sure the story will be stronger for it. Enjoy the chapter! :D
> 
>  
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Cora cut the trip to Meridian short. The message from Jaal was all the reason she needed. More time banging her head against the new vault wouldn’t get it open anyway, even SAM had no clue why. The angara scientists were already en route from Aya, maybe they would have better luck than the Pathfinders did. 

The Leadership were moving their operations back to the Nexus now that they had settled the disposition of Tann. Kandros and his APEX team handled the transfer of all Perseus operatives as well as Vidal and Siegfried back to the Nexus before sending them off to the prison facility. He would be heading the investigation so that the other Pathfinders could head back out to do what they were supposed to. 

Kesh approached her as she exited the new vault after yet another unsuccessful attempt. “One moment, Harper,” she said. 

Cora slowed her steps, her arms folded across her chest. She remembered Kesh’s inaction during the meeting. Addison and T’vera, she understood. They were looking at the big picture, but they had no faith in the people. The very people who forsaken their entire way of life for a dream in another galaxy. 

 _Would dreamers not give faith and trust another chance?_  

Kandros was head of security. His job would be harder if the truth brought about the worst case scenario. Cora understood, but she was still pissed. Kesh was the only one she didn’t understand. The krogan was always level-headed and fair. Her silence was neither. 

“What is it Kesh?” she asked, her tone cold and frosty. 

Kesh sighed. “I know you’re disappointed, you all are. Drack told me as much,” she said. 

Cora’s eyes remained hard, but she didn’t speak, allowing the silence to fill the air between them. Scott eyed them suspiciously as he passed them with the equipment they brought along from the Tempest. Cora turned to him and said, “Go ahead, I’ll see you back on the Tempest in a bit. Tell Kallo to set a course to Kadara.”

Scott nodded and left, his pacing quickening at the mention of Kadara. Cora turned back to face Kesh. The krogan looked pensive. “It’s Ryder, isn’t it?” she asked. 

Cora nodded. 

“Ok, I’m not apologising for what I did, or rather didn’t do, but this is an explanation, to clear the air. I do not agree with the directive to keep things quiet about Tann, about Cetus, or about Perseus.” Kesh counted them out on her claws. “But I know my speaking up isn’t going to make them change their mind. It would only mark me. And trust me, the Moshae is marked, but she’s the alien so she gets a pass.”

“Technically, we’re all aliens here,” Cora pointed out. 

“Touché,” Kesh conceded. “Regardless, you get what I mean. I am doing what I can from within. I am pushing to get colony and outpost leadership to have a greater say on how the Leadership runs things. I am pushing for a krogan and angara Pathfinder and I almost got it but it was all derailed. Ryder would have been able to get all these if she would ask. Three months ago, you will be able to get them, us to agree to anything. Now, it’s impossible.”

Cora nodded. “So that’s it? You kept your mouth shut and throw Ryder under the bus again so that you could change things from within?” 

Kesh nodded. “You know how precarious the krogans’ situation is in all this. We’re still seen as the brutes, the enforcers. Call upon us when you need a hammer and then we’re to be locked away when not.”

Cora pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose. “I can’t say I don’t understand Kesh but it’s still wrong. It’s just not done. It’s not my place to tell you it’s all good. That’s for Ryder to decide.”

Kesh’s claws tightened into fists for a moment before she sighed, letting the tension lift from her shoulders. “I know. Just tell her. Tell her I wasn’t keeping silence because I agreed. That’s all I want her to know.”

* * *

The other Pathfinders approached her before they were all returned to their respective ships. “Hey Cora,” Raeka greeted. “I’m sorry about your… ahh…”

She gestured at her own eye. Cora waved her off. “You weren’t in control of yourself. Besides it's all healed now.”

Raeka nodded but her hands were clasped against her chest, guilt heavy in her eyes. “I should have known it was a trap,” she said. “I almost killed you and Ryder…”

Theris came over and pulled Raeka into a hug. “You didn’t know. It isn’t your fault,” she said. 

It would have been comical as the shorter asari attempted to comfort the lanky salarian if it weren’t for the subject matter. Cora sighed. Rix joined them. His mandibles tight against his face as his talons squeezed her shoulder. “I’m sorry that we didn’t manage to see Ryder before she left. We didn’t even have a chance to thank her for everything she had done for us, for the Nexus, for everyone.”

Cora nodded. “It would do her good to hear it. She’s not in a good place right now. I’ve seen her survive the toughest situations, endure the impossible and always coming out winning it for everyone no matter what. But she just can’t do it for herself.”

Theris nodded. “I’ve underestimated Ryder, not just her capabilities but the depth of her commitment to the Initiative, to Andromeda,” she admitted. “Her father would have been proud.”

“We all have,” Rix said. “Without her, there will be no turian ark.”

“No salarian ark,” Raeke continued. 

“No asari ark,” Theris finished.

_Ryder, if only you could hear this. Your actions and efforts aren’t going unseen, unappreciated._

“If you can, pass along our message to Ryder,” Rix said. “It’s the least we could do. And Harper, we know the truth. The real truth.”

Cora’s heart swelled - pride and honour for being able to call Ryder her leader, her comrade and her friend. Her eyes stung as tears welled up. Her omni-tool pinged as it received an incoming video file. She nodded. “I will.”

Raeka was the first to leave, her shoulders straightened the further she walked away. Her ship, the Coriolanus, a twin almost to the Tempest was waiting for her. Raeka’s burden was heavy, a golden world for the salarians was her paramount mission. 

Rix was next. The Pericles was of a similar class but it’s somewhat bigger and more angular, lacking the sleek lines of the Tempest. His duty was to see the first turian colony be made a success, especially after the devastating attack by Perseus. 

Theris saluted Cora, huntress style, which Cora returned. The Andronicus was longer than the Tempest, a shimmering blue identical to the colour of biotics. She had the luxury of time, what with the asaris’ long lifespan but it didn’t diminish the importance of a golden world of their own. 

Cora turned back to the Tempest and stepped through the airlock. The Tempest never felt more like home. 

* * *

Lexi got the same message Jaal had sent everyone, but she had a follow-up message. It was filled with notes the angara had taken while talking to Nakamoto and more notes directly from the Kadara doctor himself. “How did I miss it?” she almost shouted. 

_Nerve pain. Phantom limb pain. Why didn’t I catch it?_

“That’s because she would never tell you,” Scott said as he entered the med-bay. 

Lexi sighed, conceding the point. “Is there anything you could do to help her?” Scott asked, worry lines deep across his brow. 

“Will she allow me to help?”

Scott’s sigh was pained and knowing. His baby sister more stubborn than a pyjack with food, more so than their father at this rate. “She is in no position to refuse.”

* * *

The Tempest got to Kadara. Jaal and Dex flanking Ryder making sure she boarded. Lexi was waiting for her. Ryder looked away guilty. Her left leg ached dully as she made her way towards the medbay. Lexi entered ahead of her. She was a close step behind. Then, Ryder froze as the smell of medigel and antiseptic hit her. 

Her hands started trembling, again. Her heart raced. Her brain screamed danger at her. Her chest so tight Ryder couldn’t breathe. She was starting to recognise the signs herself. _A panic attack, a fucking panic attack. Get a grip, woman!_

Lexi looked her before eyes widening as she realised what was happening. The others had retreated earlier lest they were caught in the cross fire between Ryder and the doctor. “Ryder,” she spoke slowly and calmly. “You’re safe here. You’re fine.”

Ryder nodded tightly, her eyes fixed on the grey flooring of the Tempest. “Give me a minute,” she managed to force through her lips.  

She didn’t know how long it took her to calm her heart but eventually Ryder felt somewhat normal again. Her eyes lifted to find Lexi watching her. Taking a deep breath, Ryder grimaced. It was impossible to purge her nose of the scent of antiseptic. She nodded and forced her stiff legs to move again. Her foot lifted from the floor, hovering over the threshold like there was a chasm there. With a grunt of effort, she crossed it. 

Lexi waited for her to be seated on one of the beds before starting her lecture. Ryder was grateful for that at least. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Ryder looked away. 

“I can’t help if you don’t tell me,” Lexi pressed. 

“You can’t fix me, Lexi,” Ryder said, speaking more to the floor than at Lexi. 

The doctor didn’t answer instead she lifted her omni-tool. Ryder understood what the familiar gesture meant. She straightened her spine and shifted to allow Lexi to scan her arm. The doctor looked at the readout, everything looked normal and above baseline. _That’s why I didn’t catch it._

“Why do you say that?” Lexi asked as she patted the bed, urging Ryder to lie down. 

Ryder’s mouth twisted at the question. She hesitated before lying back. As the scanner took a couple of passes over her body. The bright white light from the scanner reflected off Ryder’s unfocused eyes. She was looking at something that Lexi couldn’t see. Maybe it’s a future so bleak she couldn’t look away, an abyss she stared into and it had swallowed her whole. 

“It hurts, Lexi,” she whispered. “All the fucking time, it’s always there in the background like static in my brain. Sometimes the static screams and I can’t do anything about it. Nights are worse than days. Wearing the prosthesis is worse than not wearing it. But nothing I do would make it go away. Painkillers don’t even begin to put a dent in it. The cold helps but sometimes it sets it off. There’s no pattern. There’s no rhyme or reason. I’m broken, Lexi. You saw what happened just now. I’m just too broken.”

Ryder took a shuddering breath as she squeezed her eyes shut, dragging her right hand over her face as if she was ashamed of her admission. “I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

Lexi knew Ryder felt the Cetus incident was entirely her fault. It weighed on her like an anchor around her neck as she struggled to keep her head above water. Siegfried’s revelation was one burden too many. The panic attacks and chronic pain was just the cherry on top. _She’s drowning and she wouldn’t accept help._

“Ryder, you are not beyond hope. Nobody is,” Lexi said as she looked at the result of the scans. “You’re a fighter, you don’t give up. It’s not in you to do that. You endure, you struggle, you hurt like hell but you never ever give up. Ryder, this is you.”

Ryder didn’t move. Her jaw tightened. Lexi noticed something in the scans and pursed her lips. 

“I’m tired.”

The words hung in the air, fighting against gravity and heavy in its tone. “Yes, you are,” Lexi said, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. Ryder shrank back from the touch. 

“Does it hurt?”

Ryder shook her head. Lexi’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t tell me anything, you actively lie. I don’t know if I can trust you,” she reminded. 

A glimmer of a smile hung on the edges of Ryder’s lips. “Touché but truthfully it doesn’t. I was afraid it would thankfully it didn’t.”

Lexi brushed her hand against her shoulder again. Ryder leaned into the contact. The doctor nodded. “Like I was saying, you’re tired. That’s normal. It’s weird if you’re not. This is the time to lean on your friends, family. Ask for help, accept help when it’s offered. You’re not a superhero you know. Just a regular one.”

Ryder chuckled before grimacing, pressing her hand on the connection between her residual limb and prosthesis. “I’m working on that.”

“Not hard enough.”

Ryder nodded. “I’ll try harder.”

Lexi smiled, it’s never easy to get Ryder to acquiesce. “All right, now tell me when it hurts,” she said as her fingers gently probed both of Ryder’s arms. 

* * *

Ryder was truthful this time. Every single twinge, each sore area was pointed out. Lexi’s cool fingers found them all. It didn’t take long since her stump was so sensitive at that moment, it barely tolerated even the tenderest touch. Lexi hummed and made a note. They took plenty of breaks in between just to give her a breather. It was like Lexi could read her like a book, knowing when to call for another break, when to offer her tea, when to put on some music or just leave her alone for a bit. 

Eventually. Lexi moved onto her right hand. Ryder frowned. “My right hand is fine,” she pointed out as Lexi scanned her right arm. 

“It’s not,” she replied. “Your right arm is overcompensating for your left. Have you been experiencing pain?”

Ryder nodded. Lexi sat down on the stool next to the bed as she pulled herself upright with her right hand. Lexi looked at her pointedly. “Ok, right I see what you mean,” Ryder said. “So what now?”

“You have a combination of nerve pain and phantom limb pain. The nerve pain caused by neuroma can be corrected via surgery,” Lexi suggested. 

“No,” Ryder answered was instant, her eyes squeezed shut as her heart raced at the mere thought. “No more surgery, not if we have other options. I’m done going under the knife.”

“We can try some cold therapy since you say it worked for you and start you on some analgesics, these are addictive so you can’t have them often. Right now, it’s helping with your sleep and get you eating normally while we investigate the other ways to fix this,” Lexi suggested. “How does that sound?”

Ryder nodded. It was a start. Lexi was right. Everyone was. She couldn’t do this on her own. Leaning on someone wasn’t so bad. It felt good to have someone in her corner, a lot of someones. Lexi pointed at her stump and gestured for it. Ryder unbuckled the sheath and pulled the prosthesis off, wincing as she did so. Lexi pulled a patch from its packaging and stuck it to her stump. For a while, the patch was triggering the sensitivity of her stump but slowly a numbness started to spread. 

A weight that she’s been bearing lifted. Her body straightened, her brow relaxed. Ryder felt lighter and almost normal. Lexi smiled at her. “I see you’re feeling the difference.”

Ryder almost cried in relief, tears stood in her eyes as she breathed easier. To be pain-free was fantastic. By the time she staggered from the medbay, she was entirely drained but that night she had the best sleep in months. 

* * *

_Of course, nothing runs smooth in my life. Absolutely. Nothing._

The panic attacks came and went with each time she entered the medbay. Most of them mild, passing in under ten minutes. Other times, she just couldn’t bring herself to cross the threshold. Lexi accommodated her every single step of the way. Still, Ryder felt her hope evaporating fast like water in the sun baked sands of Kadara. 

“What are we trying today?” Ryder asked wearily as she entered. 

Lexi looked up. “Harry suggested electricity therapy,” she said. 

Ryder frowned as she sank onto a chair. “Didn’t we try that already?”

She was off the patch again the night before. She felt the lack of sleep most keenly after having an excellent week of rest. Lexi tried everything, cold therapy, electricity simulation, mirror therapy, massage and desensitisation therapy. Her stump was sensitive at the best of times. Everything they tried made her feel uncomfortable at best, on fire at worse. Most sessions ended when Lexi couldn’t stand to put her through whatever they were trying any longer. Ryder would leave in disappointment and a patch for her troubles. 

Ryder raised an eyebrow when she saw Jaal in the medbay as well. “What are you doing here?” she asked. 

“Lexi wanted me to try something. I think it’s best to let her explain,” Jaal said. 

Lexi sighed. “Isn’t it easy to just let me finish speaking in the first place?”

Ryder squirmed a little in her seat, pulling her prosthesis closer to her chest. She nodded in apology. Ryder knew her temper wasn’t the easiest to tolerate when the pain came knocking on the door.

“Anyway, Harry put me in touch with one Dr. Paran in Aya. He suggested the angara’s natural bio-electricity,” she said. “Hence, Jaal.”

Ryder raised an eyebrow at the angara. He smiled. “They had some success using it for pain management after the battle with the Archon.”

She swallowed and pushed the hope back down. _Don’t count your chicks till they’re hatched._  

“But it’s not tried on humans before.” 

Ryder nodded. Neither spoke as Lexi turned back to calibrate her omni-tool for the trial. She glanced at Jaal to find him staring at her. “Something on my face?” Ryder asked teasingly. 

Jaal flushed a deep purple and shook his hand. Ryder could feel the heat radiating from him. Their shoulders close but barely touching. Jaal laid an open palm on his lap, he glanced at her. His eyes were earnest, always so sincere and open. Sometimes, it scared her. Ryder couldn’t return to him the openness he was surely accustomed to from other angaras. Apparently, she had inherited more than a name from her father. Ryder took a deep breath, staring at his open palm. It was an invitation. 

 _Dare I take it?_  

Tentatively, Ryder placed her prosthesis on his open right palm. Her shoulder stiffened, waiting for him to flinch, to pull away, to be as repulsed of her prosthesis as she was. Jaal simply closed his hand around her black hand. The pressure triggering the haptic feedback system from the prothetic. Ryder could feel him holding her hand. Her right hand flew to her mouth as she squeezed her eyes shut. 

Jaal pulled his hand away. “Does it hurt, Ryder?” he asked frantically. “Ancestors, I should have thought it through. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Ryder shook her head. “It doesn’t,” she assured him. 

Jaal looked at her uncertainty. Before Ryder could speak, Lexi asked, “Are you ready?”

* * *

Ryder laid on the bed, her prosthesis unbuckled and removed. Her right hand in a loose grip on the edge of the bed. It was in preparation for pain. _Why did I agree to this? I am not a healthcare professional. How am I supposed to help?_

Lexi looked at him, then at Ryder. “Ready?” she asked. 

Ryder nodded. Jaal took a deep breath and lifted his hands. He focused on his bio-electricity and allowed the field to intensify around his fingers. Slowly, he lowered them over Ryder’s residual limb, his eyes trained on it. Then he heard a creak. His eyes shot over to Ryder’s right hand. It was white-knuckled tight, gripping the bed. Jaal pulled his hands away immediately. He shook his head. “No, I can’t do this right,” he said. 

“No, keep going,” Ryder growled as she forced her fingers to relax. 

 _No, this hurts her. No, I can’t. She can’t ask me to do this, to hurt her. Again_ Jaal clenched his jaw. “Keep going,” Ryder said. 

 _Please don’t ask me to do this. There must be another way._ He glanced at Lexi, seeking an ally in this. Ryder shot him a look. Her eyes never lacked in its ability to communicate. This look promised a long talk about not trusting her. She pulled herself up onto her elbow with a sigh, twisting to look at him. 

“Jaal, just keep going,” she repeated, keeping her brown eyes trained on him. 

Jaal waited, praying for Lexi to shake her head. Instead, Lexi nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Ryder, this-"

“Do you trust me?” Ryder asked, staring into his soul. 

_How can she ask me this? This isn’t a question. I do. Look what not trusting you led to? Me lost. You shouldering everything._

Jaal didn’t speak, he was afraid his voice wouldn’t bear the weight of his thoughts. He nodded. “Just do it, okay?” Ryder said, her voice small. “Please.”

Who was he to deny this? Lexi had agreed. Ryder wanted it. Taking a deep breath, he raised his hands again. She leaned back onto the bed and waited. Jaal didn’t wait. His hands hovered above her skin. The white-knuckled grip returned, but he didn’t stop this time. Jaal kept at it, lowering his hands towards her residual limb. Closer and closer until his skin touched hers. He forced his eyes away from Ryder’s right hand, the one tightening over the edge of the bed. His eyes focused solely on the gnarled scarred limb in front of him. 

 _Be well, stop hurting, just heal._  

Every gentle caress of his hands over the length of her residual limb was a prayer. Jaal kept his touch feather light, his bio-electricity as mild as he could manage. 

_She’ll be all right. Everything will be all right. I promised._

Then, he heard sniffing. He looked up and was shocked to see Ryder crying. “No, this hurts you,” Jaal said as he stood abruptly, pulling his hands away from Ryder. 

Lexi came forward and asked, “How are you feeling?”

Ryder pulled herself upright with a grunt. Slowly she raised her residual limb and looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. Tears were still streaming down her face. “Ryder,” Lexi prompted. 

The brown eyes that were so annoyed earlier were now clear. Salty wet tears left her eyes shining with nothing but a crystallised openness and joy. “It doesn’t hurt,” she whispered as her right hand ran over what remained of her left arm. “It fucking doesn’t hurt anymore.”

His eyes stung. Seeing Ryder with such unbridled joy made him realised he hadn’t actually seen her smile in a long time. It had been a very arduous year and a half since everything started. She looked at him with eyes so filled with gratitude it staggered him. Her right arm wrapped around his neck and she pulled in for a hug. It was awkward and lop-sided but it was her - Ryder, Sara, his Pathfinder. 

“Thank you, Jaal.”

* * *

Ryder sighed. The two hours pain-free was fantastic. It was like a hard earned drink of fresh water after days trudging through the badlands. While it lasted, she couldn’t stop smiling. The prosthesis was no trouble for her. Everything seemed perfect even when it’s not. Eventually, the effects faded. The sensitivity returned, and the pain came back with a vengeance. Lexi had nothing but more patches to offer her. That was no long-term solution if she didn’t want to end up an addict. 

“It’s done,” Ryder said.

Her anger was spent. She had nothing else left. Her body felt all hollowed out and numb. Maybe it’s the patch talking, maybe it’s her soul giving up. Ryder couldn’t tell anymore.

“I’ll reach out to the doctors on Aya. They may have something we can try,” Lexi said. “The bio-electricity treatment was the most effective by far.”

Ryder sighed and left the medbay. Kiba trailing after her. She was tired of trying. The Tempest was again docked continuously at a single place because of her. She couldn't monopolise the Tempest this way. This wasn’t right. _But I needed help, right? Is this even right?_ The question brought her no comfort at all. _I can’t force them to choose between me and their duty, can I?_

“Fuck!” she shouted. 

She wasn’t alone in the cargo bay. Gil, Liam and Vetra looked at her. They all had the same look. The pity, the Ryder-is-fucking-useless look on their face. She didn’t need this. “Ryder,” Vetra started, walking towards her. 

She pulled her hand over her face and shook her head. “No, I… can’t. Not now.”

Ryder fled. Kiba was the only one daring to follow. Her legs taking her back where she came and eventually to her old hiding spot in the meeting room. It was dark and empty, just the way she wanted it. Fishing her earpiece from her pocket she stuck it into her ear awkwardly with her prosthesis. “Play music,” she whispered. 

Piano keys thumped and a voice sang. Ryder lay down on the bench and closed her eyes. Kiba hopped onto the bench next to her. 

  
_I dropped out of heaven_  
_But I landed with two feet firm on the ground_

The darkness was utter and endless behind her eyelids. Her heart thudded loudly in her ears. The husky pressed her head against her chest, nuzzling her. 

  
_I can't afford fire_  
_But I keep myself warm with little hope that I found_

The pain a dull roar but it was constantly eating away at her resolve, her confidence, her hope. There was nothing much left to take away any more. Kiba whined.

  
_Mad as a beastly_  
_I'm crooked as hell as a king with no crown_

Her eyes stung, her lips quivered but there was no holding back. She took a hitching breath, her fingers tightening around Kiba’s fur, and tried to pretend nothing hurt. 

  
_We were born to be broken_  
_But I live to be put back together again_  

**Lyrics taken from[Smoked Out of Heaven by Saint Claire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN5qmMwlouI)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
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	64. Aya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kid,” he greeted as he leaned against the crate she was sitting on. 
> 
> “Gramps.”
> 
> “Take it from a thousand-year-old korgan, nothing can keep going downhill,” he said. “Eventually you’ll hit rock bottom and there’s nothing but up.”
> 
> Ryder frowned, pulling her hand tight against her body. “That is not reassuring at all,” she said flatly. 
> 
> “It’s not meant to be,” Drack pointed out. “It’s just a statement, a fact of life.”
> 
> Ryder snorted. “What if there is lower to go?” she asked, her voice hushed, almost afraid to give voice to her thoughts. 
> 
> “Then I’ll be there to catch you,” Drack replied, meeting her gaze evenly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I really appreciate them. Yesterday I got [some awesome art](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/174236543454/seokanori-s-awesome-art-people-please-go-check) by [@SeoKanori on Tumblr](https://seokanori.tumblr.com). And I wrote a thing that goes with it. Check out her art!
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <— NEW ART
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Even though bio-electricity treatment was a double-edged sword, it did take the pain away, and it didn’t numb her residual limb so much she couldn’t feel anything. It worked but like the tides, what goes out must come back again. And when it did, and it always did, it returned worse than when it left. The searing jolting pain that pierced her stump, up the arm and across her chest was so bad Ryder wondered if she was having a heart attack. She wasn’t. It was the nerve pain registering at a higher level than before.

_It’s fucking unfair._

So Jaal made arrangements, Ryder would be taken to Aya to seek further treatments from the specialists there. At the same time, Jaal’s off rotation was ending, he had to report for duty. His heart was heavy. Ryder wasn’t in much of a better place. It was so much time and effort with nothing to show for it, worse Ryder had almost given up all hope. With each new treatment came a new hope, with each failure came shattered faith. The only consolation was Ryder was eating and sleeping better but that was about it. Her nerve pain was no closer to being treated. It was barely managed by some addictive medication which Lexi was super careful with. 

Paran, who had been in contact with Lexi, sounded mildly confident that they might have some treatments for Ryder. Mildly, because they had never treated a non-angara before. Ryder just sighed and nodded, resignation in her eyes. 

At the docks, Dex and Wrench saw Ryder off. She stood on the ramp with Dex's arms wrapped around her, looking increasingly embarrassed by gesture. Jaal chuckled as he watched her tolerated it for a whole 60 seconds before her hands gently but firmly pushed Dex away. 

“All right, I’ll send you an update when I send one to Scott. All right?”

“You better, Ryder,” Dex growled. 

“Hey, you did good getting Jaal here,” Ryder said, squeezing the turian’s shoulder. 

Dex’s mandibles flared with pride. Ryder pulled him for a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered with a wan smile. 

Her farewell to Wrench was much more stoic and formal. The salarian stuck a hand out and Ryder took is in her own. They shook firmly, twice. Jaal swore Wrench's hand tightened over Ryder's gently. The mask over her face cracked as her misery shone through for a couple of seconds. Wrench placed her hand over Ryder's shoulder. She took a deep breath and nodded tightly. The white dog wagged her tail all through the proceedings. Ryder squat down. Kiba trotted over and sat in front of her. Jaal could hear Ryder speaking, her voice higher pitched than usual. She wrapped her arms around the dog and spoke into her fur. Finally, she stood. Her eyes a little shinier her nose a little red. Ryder turned to walk up the ramp. The dog barked and trotted behind her. 

"Kiba, no," she said. "You can't come."

Jaal waited and watched, so did the entire Tempest crew. The husky ignored Ryder and continued her way into the ship, her tail wagging lazily. She sighed and pointed towards Wrench and Dex. "Off, Kiba," she commanded, the familiar bite returning to her voice. 

Jaal straightened his spine in response instinctively. Dex called for the dog but she refused to budge, instead the dog planted her butt down on the floor. Ryder huffed in exasperation, her boots clanked as she tried to catch Kiba. The dog barked and danced around as if it was all a game. 

"Fuck, Kiba," she cried, "why are you making this harder than it already is?"

"Ryder," Wrench called. "Take her with you."

She looked up, shock, surprise and a little hope on her face. "I can't, Kiba isn't mine."

The salarian snorted, with one hand on her hip and the other gesturing at the husky, "If you think that dog ever belonged to me, you're never more wrong. Look at her, Ryder. It's obvious she wants to go with you. And she belongs with you."

Ryder looked at Kiba, then at Wrench. Her mouth opened and closed. "Take her, Ryder. You need her," Wrench said. 

The salarian didn't wait for an answer from Ryder. She took Dex by the arm and dragged him off the ramp. Ryder stood and watched as the pair got off. Kiba didn't wait for an invitation and bounded into the Tempest. She headed straight towards him and poked her nose at his pockets, refusing to go away. "I've got nothing for you," he said as he showed her his empty pockets.

Kiba snorted and trotted back to Ryder. A broken smile cracked her face as she ruffled the dog's fur. 

After that, Ryder took to hiding away with Kiba, content in her music and darkness. The entire trip to Aya took place like she wasn’t even on board. 

* * *

Scott slid himself onto the bench. His sister was lying on her back staring up at the ceiling. He waited, but she didn’t deign to acknowledge his presence. Her eyes didn’t even flicker once in his direction. “Hey,” he said eventually, tired of waiting. 

Sara grunted. “Missed you at dinner today,” he pressed on. 

“I ate,” she replied, gesturing vaguely at the small pile of ration bar wrappers. 

“We had steamed chicken,” he said smugly.

Sara sat up instantly and stared at him. Then, her eyes narrowed. “Liar,” she declared before laying back down. 

“Thought that would get a reaction from you.”

Sara hummed in reply. “How’s the arm?” he asked. 

“Why ask?” she countered. “Really, why ask? Nothing has changed. Lexi would tell you the same. I’m tired of the question. Nothing has fucking change so don’t ask.”

Her voice was flat. It was worse than her being angry. She had gone from hot to cold in the week and a half she was on the Tempest. Her heat was utterly drained. It didn’t suit her and it pained him to see it. “I’m sorry,” Scott said. “It’s just…”

“I know, Scott,” Sara replied, her eyes now closed. “I’m sorry too but it is what it is. I can’t keep hoping things might be better. This might be it for me. It’s as good as it gets. I had a good run. Shit, 25 years is pretty good, isn’t it?”

“25?” Scott snorted. “You’re 26.”

Sara opened her eyes and tilted her head to look at him. She blinked and frowned. “You had your birthday asleep,” he clarified. 

“Shit, I’m never getting used to this,” she said. 

“Tell me about it.”

* * *

Drack lumbered over while she was perched on a crate. They were making the final approach to Aya. Ryder knew they had their fill of dealing with her and her dark moods. She was constantly moving between leave-me-alone and fuck-off mood swings. Even Ryder was pissed at herself but the pain left her with little room for socialising and being her old self. 

“Kid,” he greeted as he leaned against the crate she was sitting on. 

“Gramps.”

“Take it from a thousand-year-old korgan, nothing can keep going downhill,” he said. “Eventually you’ll hit rock bottom and there’s nothing but up.”

Ryder frowned, pulling her hand tight against her body. “That is not reassuring at all,” she said flatly. 

“It’s not meant to be,” Drack pointed out. “It’s just a statement, a fact of life.”

Ryder snorted. “What if there is lower to go?” she asked, her voice hushed, almost afraid to give voice to her thoughts. 

“Then I’ll be there to catch you,” Drack replied, meeting her gaze evenly. 

Ryder clenched her jaw to keep her lips from quivering. Despite her efforts, a lump formed in her throat. She opened her mouth, words hung on the tip of her tongue but they refused to let go. Drack didn’t allow her to speak, he pulled her against his chest. His arm gingerly wrapped around her shoulders mindful of her residual limb and prosthesis. His claws gently brushing her hair. The lump in her throat grew, threatening to seal her throat shut and choke her. A shuddering breath escaped her mouth. Drack’s arms tightened. Ryder turned her head into his chest and wrapped her good arm around him. 

* * *

Evfra watched as the Tempest docked. He had word from Jaal about Ryder. There was no way he would allow anyone else to receive Ryder. This was basic courtesy. He owed her a debt. Her actions prevented rising tensions from boiling over into an all-out war between the extreme factions of either side. More than that, he owed her a personal debt for saving his and the Moshae’s life. 

The sleek recon ship docked and eventually the cargo bay ramp was lowered. He watched a group surrounded an individual in the distance. Evfra could barely make out what was going on, but it was evident it was Ryder. Cora tapped at her omni-tool and Ryder looked down. They exchanged some words before hugging. Eventually, she walked down the ramp, in her right hand a duffle bag. A white animal trotted next to her. Jaal who was following closely behind bent to take the bag from her. Ryder turned and words were exchanged. Jaal returned to his position, two step behind her. 

Evfra watched as they approached. Ryder stiffened slightly as she noticed him but her steps never faltered. His keen eyes saw the difference in her demeanour. The protective inward curl of her prosthesis sheltered by' her body, the dark eye rings that signified a lack of sleep, the paler skin tone and minute tightening of her jaw. If Evfra hadn’t spent time observing her during her stint as Pathfinder, if he hadn’t seen her in action during the fight at Meridian, he probably wouldn’t have been able to tell. Her stance projected an air of confidence and invulnerability. Her gait was long and purposeful. 

Eventually, she stopped in front of him. “Evfra,” she greeted. 

He inclined his head in reply. 

Ambassador Rialla, Nexus’ ambassador to Aya, stepped forward. “Welcome back to Aya, Ms Ryder,” she said.

Ryder grimaced at the formality. “Rialla, drop the 'Miss' please,” she begged. 

Rialla smiled. “Ryder, I’m sorry for your…” the asari gestured ineffectively at the ex-Pathfinder’s arm. “loss.”

Evfra noticed the twitch along Ryder’s jaw though she smiled at the ambassador. “That’s one way to put it,” she said. 

The ambassador winced. 

"It’s fine. It is what it is," Ryder said before turning to him. “Evfra, thanks for giving me access to your medical centre.”

He frowned. “It’s the least I could do, Ryder,” he replied. “You must be tired from your travels. Do you want to rest up for the day? The appointment with Dr Paran isn’t until tomorrow.”

The white furry animal trotted over to sniff him. Evfra recognised the creature. Jaal had told him about the dog. It seemed like Kiba was Ryder’s white shadow. He bent down to ruffle Kiba’s fur but all he got was a growl. The dog shied away and returned to Ryder’s side. 

Ryder patted the dog on her head. “Yeah, I should get myself settled in first,” she said. “Jaal, will I see you before you leave for your mission?”

“I’ll have to check in with my boss first,” the younger angara laughed, jerking a finger in his direction. 

Evfra narrowed his eyes at Jaal. “Rest well, Ryder. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said. “Jaal, with me.”

“Ahhh, you don’t have to bring me around. I can find my way around just fine,” Ryder said. 

Evfra shook his head. “No, it’s at the least I could do,” he repeated. 

Without waiting, Evfra turned away. He approached Rialla regarding accommodations for Ryder when Jaal made his call back to Aya. He didn’t think Ryder would feel comfortable bunking at the Resistance barracks among the other angaras. Ryder would be more at ease with her own people. At least that’s what he reasoned. 

Rialla was back in charge of the cultural exchange. The Moshae had made sure she spoke to Rialla before allowing the cultural exchange on Aya again. She wouldn’t have tolerated if Rialla herself personally had believed the Nexus’ version of events. Either Rialla was a better ambassador than he gave her credit for, or she did believe the Moshae. In either case, she’s back continuing her work on Aya. 

* * *

It was late by the time Evfra was done with work. He glanced at the display on his terminal. It was almost 3 am. He stood, feeling his spine popping as he stretched. Tapping on his omni-tool, he doubled check the time for Ryder’s appointment - 9 am. He would barely have more than four hours of sleep if he wanted to keep to his regular schedule. He stifled a yawn. It was definitely time for bed. 

The chilly air hit him as he exited the headquarters, prompting him to adjust his rofjin. He was distracted as he mounted the steps to the market level. There was nobody around, even the Tavetaan stood empty. His feet took him past the market and off to one of the smaller streets. A loud sigh drifted over. Evfra frowned. _Who would be up at this time of night?_ His paranoid nature took over as his hand snapped to his hip for his pistol. Carefully, he drew it and stilled. His ears straining to pick up any unfamiliar noises. 

There was a whine coming from behind a bunch of tall bushes. That path led towards a balcony. There was nothing of importance. Still, Evfra couldn’t let it go. It was still a security risk. The horror of reading the complete detailed report of the entire Cetus incident sent chills down his spine. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Evfra stepped quickly but quietly and rounded the corner. His pistol raised, ready to fire at the enemy. 

Instead, all he found was Ryder. And Kiba.

Her face was contorted in a snarl of anger. “No, no, no…” The words whispered through clenched teeth. “Not again, no.”

Her eyes open, starring but not seeing. Her hands clawed at her throat. “Can’t, can’t. I can’t,” she gasped.

Without warning, blue flames licked up her arms. Evfra quickly holstered his pistol. He didn’t know what Ryder was planning to do, but it wasn’t going to be good. "Ry-"

Before Evfra could intervene, the white husky stood on her hind legs and pushed Ryder against the railing lining the perimeter of the balcony. A long and wet tongue ran across Ryder’s face. She flinched but her biotics disappeared. 

“I…” the words died as she finally blinked as if seeing for the first time.  

Ryder shook her head confused as if the world she was seeing wasn’t matching up with her reality. She stumbled as she took a step, grimacing. The white dog wasn’t having any of it, she barked once, focusing Ryder’s attention on herself. The dog pushed Ryder back against the railing with her weight, pinning the human against it. 

Her legs gave out as she slid to the ground, falling heavily with a grunt. Her gaze unfocused, half seeing reality, half seeing something that made her hovering on the knife’s edge of fear and rage. The white husky licked her face over and over, each time dragging Ryder back from wherever her mind had taken her to. 

It was mere minutes, but it felt like an eternity. 

Ryder blinked, her eyes no longer far away, her attention wholly on the dog. Tears cascading down her cheeks unbidden as her breaths came in shuddering gasps. One hand pressed against her chest, the other curled around the husky’s furry ruff. Ryder buried her tear-streaked face into the dog’s fur, whispering into her words into the dog’s ear. 

Evfra watched, not daring to retreat lest Ryder discovered him standing there, privy to her deepest, most private moments. He attempted to back track but the slight shuffle of his feet made Ryder’s head jerked up. 

Her biotics instantly reacted by pulling up a Shield. Her eyes hard as they glared at him but a split second later she dropped her gaze, ashamed. Evfra was chagrin. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. This wasn’t right, he shouldn’t be seeing this. It’s ripping the last veneers of Ryder’s facade away. 

“Fuck,” she growled, before turning quiet. “Evfra, what the hell?”

“I apologise,” he replied, keeping his voice low. “I… I didn’t mean to intrude. I… should go.”

Ryder snorted, a short sound but so broken and raw. She turned away from him and looked at the night view that surrounded them. Her hand dragged across her face roughly, trying to erase all traces of her episode. A deep heavy sigh shuddered through her lungs, the weight, the exhaustion, the humiliation encompassed in a single sound.  

She propped her elbows against the railing, resting her weight on them and ignored him. Kiba pressed her weight against Ryder’s leg and gave him a warning growl. 

In the distance, dark greens mingling with blues as mountains rising up from the ground like giants looming over the Port. Everything draped by a blanket of a star-lit sky. A cool breeze drifted in, Ryder shivered a little as she took a deep breath. It brought scents of damp soil, of life, of Aya. Far away, the song of the night floated in, the hums and chirps of a planet filled with life. 

Evfra stared at her back, taking in the stiff set of her shoulders and bowed head. Resignation and a plea for help was screaming from every line. 

He joined her. For a while, he allowed the silence to grow. Evfra glanced over, Ryder had her eyes closed as she took in the essence of the night air. However, her hands white knuckled tight over the edge of the railing. 

He recognised the signs. It was something he was intimately familiar with. Flashbacks dragged soldiers, fighters, survivors kicking screaming back to their worst moments of their lives. Evfra was no stranger to flashbacks. He froze, locked in a living nightmare. The Moshae saw to it and got him help. It took a long time, but it was possible to get it under control. There were ways to cope. Evfra was in a position to help Ryder now. 

“You’re here on Aya,” he said, keeping his voice low and calm. “You are safe. Feel the warmth against your leg. That’s your white dog. It’s the night. The night creatures are out, singing their song of beauty. The air cool, fresh and filled with potential.”

Evfra wasn’t sure how long they stood side by side but he kept up a running commentary of their surroundings, things Ryder could hear, see, smell and touch. As the minutes ticked by, Ryder slowly was putting herself back together, banishing the demons back into the locked box in her mind. Her mask sliding back in place, the quick wry smile perched on her lips, that sound of derision ready at the back of her throat, the walls that propped her up tight and high again. 

When she finally opened her eyes, she frowned, realising he was staring. “Ok, I’m heading back to sleep,” Ryder declared, pushing off the railing. 

“I’ll escort you back,” he offered.  

“I won’t get lost,” Ryder snorted. “I know my way back, Besides, I think you need some sleep too. I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” she said. 

Evfra watched as she took two steps away then stopped. When she turned, her eyes met his. Ryder didn't speak for a moment but her gaze heavy. “Thank you,” she said simply and sincerely. “For…”

Her hand gestured vaguely. Evfra nodded understanding what she meant. “Ok, get some sleep,” she said, waving her hand at him with her back turned again. 

Evfra blinked as she left. _Did she dismissed me?_

* * *

The next morning came too soon but Evfra refused to be late. Ryder followed as he led her to the medical centre. It’s mostly angaras around, both patients and medical officers. Ryder left a wake of whispers and finger pointing wherever she went. She raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re a hero here,” he explained. 

“What do you mean? I’m not that recognisable,” she said, her prosthesis covered by the sleeve of her jacket and her hand tucked in her pocket. 

“The Moshae had made sure no angara didn’t know the debt they owe you. Know that you will always have a place among angaras. The Nexus might not want to acknowledge the contributions you have made that will never be the case for us.”

Ryder’s steps slowed, her hand clenched. Her eyes met his. “You are Spear of Justice,” he said. 

“Ok, now I know you’re pulling my leg. Spear of Justice?” she snorted. “I’m done with titles. You guys got to stop with those things. They do me no good. Come on. I don’t want to be late.”

Evfra frowned. Ryder was developing a habit of leading him. He shook his head, beginning to see how strong Ryder's gravity was. His eyes noticed the stiff set of her shoulders and her hesitation when they got to Dr. Paran’s office. Ryder took a breath, a soft creaking sound came from her prosthesis. Then, her right hand reached out towards the omni-lock, steady as a rock despite her obvious apprehension. 

Evfra opened his mouth, a word of concern ready on his lips but the moment passed when Ryder stepped through. She was already making her own introduction to Paran. Evfra snorted. He wasn’t needed here. After all, Ryder’s meticulously detailed medical records were transmitted earlier by the Tempest’s medical officer. “I’ll be coming back to pick you up for dinner,” he said. 

“I don’t need to be babysat, Evfra.”

“No, you don’t but the Moshae wants a meal with you.”

Ryder’s eyes darkened, Evfra didn’t know what to make of that reaction. He made sure to speak to a therapist specialising in helping traumatic survivors with their issues and get Ryder a session as soon as possible.

* * *

He couldn’t find her when he returned later that day. Paran told him she left the moment they released her for the day. “Any progress?” he asked. 

“We are still at the examination stage. The nerve damage is quite extensive but we have a few ideas we might try,” he said. 

Evfra nodded. “Keep me updated.”

Ryder managed to evade him for the next couple of days. She still made it to her appointments, even the therapy sessions he set up for her, but she seemed to developed a sixth sense to his movements. It was only after Jaal was deployed for a new mission that he realised who the traitor was. Evfra caught her on the same balcony, this time not in the throes of another flashback. 

As he approached, he saw she was listening to a vid on her omni-tool. “Thank you, Ryder. For everything, you have done. We know the truth and we stand behind you in whatever you choose to do.”

Evfra recognised the voice. It was Raeka’s. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, he felt bad intruding. “Ryder,” Evfra called, to avoid startling her. 

“Evfra,” she greeted without turning, her finger tapping on her omni-tool to dismiss the vid.

“Why are you avoiding me?” 

“Who says I was?”

Irritation surged. “Don’t play the fool, Ryder,” he growled. 

“Ahhh, there it is, the Evfra I know and love,” she laughed as she turned, it didn’t reach her eyes. 

His eyes went straight to her half arm. She wasn’t wearing her prosthesis. It was held loosely in her right hand. “Are you supposed to do that?” he asked. 

She shrugged, there was a subtle tightness in her jaw and shoulders. “Probably not,” she admitted. “But it fucking hurts now.”

“How bad is it?”

“Like my arm is being crushed.”

He grimaced at the thought. He saw how bad a shape she was in when they pulled her from the rubble. It was not a sight he would ever forget. Ryder stared at him for a bit, grimacing. “You’re not going to tell me to suck it up?” she asked bitterly. “Deal with it, Ryder. Just like that fucking breakdown the other night.”

Evfra shook his head. “I don’t need to. You’re doing it fine on your own.”

Her mouth twisted as the mask of false joviality slid off her face. She sat down on the floor, leaning her head against the clear barrier of the balcony. “You don’t have to put on a mask for me,” he said as he leaned against the railing and looked out into the Aya night. “I understand. I’ve been in your shoes before. Maybe not anything as bad but similar.”

“I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot of things it seems,” she said, derisively. 

“How are the therapy sessions going?” he asked, putting a hand up when Ryder frowned. “You don’t have to tell me what happens during the sessions. I just want to know if they are helping or not.”

She shrugged. “I’m not sure but I’m done feeling so out of control.”

“Keep at it. Just know if you ever want to talk, I’m available as long as I’m not running an operation,” he said, ignoring Ryder’s surprised and agape mouth. “Join me for a meal tomorrow. Lunch. Just a meal. It will do you good to relax.”

“Sure.”

Evfra didn’t trust Ryder’s quick answer. “Do not make me hunt you down for lunch,” he warned. “Unless you want to be constantly escorted everywhere.”

Ryder didn’t answer immediately. Evfra glowered at her. “Fine, I’ll be there.”

* * *

Ryder walked over to the Resistance Headquarters for the lunch that Evfra insisted on. It’s been a week on Aya. The change in environment helped, the lack pitying looks from the crew was a bonus. She had only experienced mild discomfort when entering the medical centre. It was nothing she couldn’t work through on her on. Lexi had taught her some techniques and if all else fail there was always her go to - music. Maybe it was a mistake to return to Kadara after everything’s said and done. 

However it seemed she couldn’t walk anywhere with attracting some kind of attention. It’s definitely not the sort she had before. Before becoming the Bloody Blade, the attention was novel, like a pleasant surprise around every corner. Now, it’s like flies buzzing at the edge of her hearing. No amount of swatting would get rid of the irritation. 

Ryder sighed. _I’ve dealt with worse. At least nobody is screaming curses in my face._  

One week on Aya, Paran and his colleagues were no closer to a treatment for her. 

"Why can't we just do more of the bio-electricity treatments?" Ryder asked. 

Paran shook his head as he kept his eyes on her vitals. "Those are only a temporary measure as you have come to discovered."

Ryder huffed in agreement. "Still," she pressed. "It worked for a time. Surely this is a step in the right direction."

The doctor nodded as he spun around in his chair to face her. "You're right, so we have to know what exactly it is about the bio-electricity field that helps and formulate something to provide a sustainable effect."

Ryder nodded. That made sense to her. "So the solution isn't to have a pair of angara hands on me at all time," she suggested wryly. 

Paran shook his head. "That would be impractical," he pointed out. "You will need a rotating roster of angaras volunteering to discharge their fields, it would seriously make it hard for you to get a normal life together. You-"

"Paran," Ryder interrupted the doctor. "I was kidding."

The angara frowned, his eyes blinking in confusion. "You weren't serious?"

Ryder shook her head and sighed. There were some drugs that Paran was optimistic about but Ryder didn’t want to get her hopes up again. As she left today, he was grumbling about the delicate balance between blocking the pain and blocking all sensation. Right now, Ryder would take a totally numb stump over this pain. 

Ryder palmed the door and waited for the scanners to do a sweep over her. She folded her arms as she waited. The doors opened, and she hesitated. _Stop this shit, Ryder. You’re safe here._ Old habits died hard. She walked in. The surrounding conversations died. Her eyes darted about nervously. One by one all heads swung around to face her. Her hand twitched. Then it started. Every single one of the angaras clapped. Individual claps slowly turned to applause. They were smiling and cheering. 

“Ryder! Ryder! Ryder!”

Her mouth hung loose. _What the fuck is going on?_

An embarrassed smile pulled at her lips as she rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. She flinched when the cool metal came into contact with her neck. Slowly, Ryder waded through the cheering Resistance members to Evfra’s table. She kept turning to keep an eye on the cheering angaras as she went. Evfra had a smirk on his face. “Did you do this?” she asked.

Evfra shook his head. “I merely mentioned you will be dropping by. This is all them,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. “It’s their way of showing their appreciation.”

“Clapping is a thing you do?” Ryder raised an eyebrow at him. 

“If you’re an angara, there will be a lot of hugs and cheek kissing.”

Ryder gulped, suddenly glad nobody decided to take that route, her arm would make it a painful affair. “Lunch?” Evfra asked. 

Without waiting for her response, he walked towards the exit. Ryder rolled her eyes and followed. They walked through the market, buying a packed lunch along with a couple of drinks. Ryder was expecting Evfra to take her to the Tavetaan, but he led them towards the waterfall instead. 

_Of course, the waterfall._

The memory brought a smile to her face. Her and Jaal, nothing but water between them. 

Evfra frowned. “Thought of something pleasant?”

Ryder chuckled. “You don’t want to know.” 

His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t press. There were families, couples and friends sitting on the ground. Everyone enjoying a picnic. Ryder raised an eyebrow at Evfra. “You brought me here for a picnic?”

Evfra frowned harder. “You’re no different from an angara, sunshine and fresh air should do you some good. You have been cooped up indoors too long.”

Ryder laughed. “If you say so,” she replied in a singsong voice. 

Teasing Evfra was surprisingly fun, especially since he couldn't clock her on her head for impertinence. Evfra ignored her and picked a spot for their meal. Here at the waterfall, most were too engrossed in their companions to pay her any heed. For once she didn’t feel like she was constantly being watched.

Evfra cleared his spot of pebbles and rocks with his feet. She stared at him. “What?” 

“You didn’t think to bring a mat?” Ryder asked, gesturing at the other groups all seated on the mats. 

He rolled his eyes at her. And Ryder laughed again. She sat down. This was a good idea. Her lungs felt clear, her heart light. 

Evfra watched. Ryder was holding the pack awkwardly with her prosthesis and spooning the food with her right. Evfra sniggered as she dropped more than she got into her mouth. A pair of angry brown eyes flicked up at him. 

“Sorry.”

She resumed eating still having trouble with her utensil. “Is it hard?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’m just asking. You had months of practice…”

“It’s not that easy relearning everything,” she growled. “Especially when it hurts.”

Ryder took a deep breath. “Sorry, it’s just I’m left-handed. Without my left arm, everything is harder. The prosthesis is shit for fine controls but it’s supposed to get better. Who knows if I can fire a weapon again? I’m fucking useless.”

Evfra frowned. “Why do you equate your ability to use weapons, to fight, to battle to your worth?”

Ryder ignored him. She straightened and swung her head around. Her eyes staring at the pool intently. Evfra followed her eyes not quite seeing what she saw. Then, his eyes spotted it. Splashes of water, panicked flailing of small arms. Evfra stood up but Ryder was faster. She was running before he could stand. Her thighs pumped as she dashed into the water, heedless of the rocky beach. She was a blue streak cutting the surface of the water. The calm waters splashed and churned as she dove in.  

The cold stole Ryder’s breath but her focus was pinpoint tight. She worked arms and legs as she swam towards the boy. The difference in weight between her prosthesis and her real limb was throwing her off balance. 

Her waterlogged clothes dragged against her efforts. With a growl, Ryder ripped her jacket off. The boy’s panicked eyes met hers. “I’m coming!” she shouted, wasting precious breath. 

_Fuck._

Her hands and legs strained as she fought against the currents. Every stroke felt like she was towing an anchor. Her breaths grew ragged and impossible as Ryder hauled herself forward, hand over hand. 

_Come on!_

A high-pitched wailing from the beach threatened to smash her concentration but Ryder kept her eyes on the boy. All thoughts, doubts and anxiety vanished from her mind. It was only the boy, the water and her. Nothing else mattered. 

The boy’s frantic splashes grew weaker. His time spent on the surface lesser. 

_Faster!_

She was almost within touching distance. The boy’s strength left him as he sank one more time. He didn’t surface. _Fuck!_ Ryder growled, taking a deep breath and plunged into the depths. Her eyes snapped open underwater. Everythin was a murky mess of luminous underwater critters and seaweed like vegetation. _Where is the boy?_  

Water made her movement sluggish as she searched frantically. Ryder ran her fingers quickly over her prosthesis and it glowed, providing her some measure of illumination. Sweeping her arm around in a circle, praying, hoping to catch sight of the boy. Her lungs ached as seconds ticked by.

_There!_

Every pull of her arms, every kick of her legs felt ineffective. Her lungs screamed in protest as the exertion, it was howling for air. As soon as Ryder’s fingers caught the edges of the boy’s arm, they clamped down like a vice. Darkness threatened at the edges of her vision. She knew she wasn’t going to last much longer without air. 

She made sure her arm were tight around the boy’s chest. Ryder Pushed. The biotic energy at her core unleashed in a single blast. Pressure mounted as they rushed towards the surface. The sun overhead, a blinding white. The air above, a promise for salvation. 

They didn’t shoot clear out of the water like a dolphin. It was anti-climatic. Their heads popped up from the surface with barely a splash but it was a sweet victory. Ryder gasped breath after breath of fresh Aya air. One arm around the boy while the other worked to get them to shore. 

Her strength was completely sapped. Adrenaline leaving her system and it’s bound to leave her a quivering mess. Her abused muscles cried but Ryder forced them into action. As she neared the shore, strong arms pulled at her. Evfra among the other angaras helping to drag them to shore. A cheer erupted. Ryder had to force her arms to let go of the boy. The sopping wet boy was coming to as the parents cradled him in their arms. “Thank you!” the parents cried. 

Ryder managed to find the strength to remain upright. “Are you all right?” Evfra asked, keeping his hand around her waist. 

“A little wet,” she replied as she leaning against him.

Ryder winced as she detached her prosthesis and allowed the water to drain. Evfra blanched. “Will your prosthesis work fine after that?” 

Ryder shivered as a stiff wind swept through the waterfalls. “It should. It’ll be completely useless if it gets damaged after some water getting in.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, hunching over to protect herself from the cold. A kind soul had retrieved her jacket for her but wet it was worse than useless. Evfra pulled his rofjin off and draped it around her shoulders. Ryder pulled it against her wet skin gratefully. 

The wheels in Evfra’s head was spinning. If the Nexus didn’t know what an asset Ryder was, he wasn’t about to let such potential go to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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> This author replies to comments.


	65. Recovery Program

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evfra frowned. “What do you think?”
> 
> “I think you’re trying to force someone into a crucible she isn’t ready for. I don’t care what her credentials are, she isn’t physically or mentally ready for it,” Andraknor replied, folding his arms across his chest. 
> 
> “Her track record speaks for itself. You can’t get a person more qualified than her. No angara did even a quarter of what she has done,” he pointed out. 
> 
> “True but Heskaarl training is only for anagaras.”
> 
> Evfra stared at Andraknor and wondered if he was always that sceptical, that dismissive of the Milky Way species, especially of Ryder. 
> 
> “There’s nothing to say it’s not for humans either. She will do well with you,” Evfra pressed. The look on Ryder’s face flushed with victory, the easy smile, the confident stance. It was intoxicating. Evfra was beginning to see what Jaal saw in her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I really appreciate them. Ok, a whole bunch of new stuff this week. [My MEBB](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580963/chapters/33694998) has been released, it’s a story about how and why Ryder and her father’s relationship got as bad as it did. 8 chapters worth of angst. Also I’ve posted [two other shorter fics](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1033502). They are about my Shepard. Written these in preparation for the fic that I’m planning after Cetus is wrapped up. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Commissioned Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/comart) <— A LOT OF NEW ART
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

“Look after her for me,” Jaal said. 

Evfra’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not here to look after your mate,” he growled. 

“She’s not my mate,” Jaal replied. 

It wasn’t the defensive retort of someone not admitting what’s reality. It was someone merely stating a fact. “We’re friends. She’s not my mate. We never got that far,” Jaal clarified. 

Evfra didn’t push. It’s clear to him they were adults, capable of handling matters of the heart on their own. He had no need to involve himself in such affairs. “She is the Spear of Justice and the angaras owe her a debt,” Jaal continued. 

The older angara sighed. Jaal had a point. Knowing Ryder, assigning her an aide or a guard would only serve as a reminder her of the last time she was here. This was a job only he could do, to show her the true impact of her sacrifices. 

“About my suggestion,” Jaal said as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “I know it’s not done. Ever. But I think she deserves it. And it would do her good.”

“You do know this isn’t my decision to make. I can’t make this happen,” Evfra pointed out. 

“I know. But you could speak to them, speak to Andraknor. He could decide.”

Evfra stared at the younger angara and wondered why did he think this would be good for Ryder. How could it possibly be a good idea?

That same thought hit him when he saw Ryder wading out from the water with the child she rescued in her arms. The fierce joy of a job well done, the genuine grin plastered on her face, the confidence in every line of her body was clear. It was obvious to Evfra then. Jaal was right. It would do her good. Ryder did better with a job, a task, a mission. Left to be still, her fragments splintered and her sharp edges turned inwards. Now, if he could just convince Andraknor. 

* * *

Evfra was finally able to meet Andraknor, catching him after he was done with his meeting with the Moshae. 

“Andraknor,” he greeted. 

The Heskaarl inclined his head in turn. Evfra pulled him into a quiet corner nearby. He handed Andraknor a datapad containing the relevant information. Andraknor skimmed the information, his eyes snagging on the name. His yellow eyes narrowed, almost glaring at Evfra before turning his attention back to the datapad. It didn’t take long before he handed the datapad back. Andraknor remained silent but he raised a brow ridge at Evfra. 

Evfra frowned. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re trying to force someone into a crucible she isn’t ready for. I don’t care what her credentials are, she isn’t physically or mentally ready for it,” Andraknor replied, folding his arms across his chest. 

“Her track record speaks for itself. You can’t get a person more qualified than her. No angara did even a quarter of what she has done,” he pointed out. 

“True but Heskaarl training is only for anagaras.”

Evfra stared at Andraknor and wondered if he was always that sceptical, that dismissive of the Milky Way species, especially of Ryder. 

“There’s nothing to say it’s not for humans either. She will do well with you,” Evfra pressed. The look on Ryder’s face flushed with victory, the easy smile, the confident stance. It was intoxicating. Evfra was beginning to see what Jaal saw in her.

“True, she killed the Archon, saved the Moshae, twice. You seemed to forget she is missing half an arm. Even your report talked about her serious leg injury, is that even fully healed? Her battle illness, that’s just recently being treated. She won’t be able to keep up,” Andraknor replied evenly. “She is not ready.”

Evfra sighed. Andraknor’s concerns were valid. Ryder was still in the midst of finding her footing again, physically and mentally. It would take time and effort on Ryder’s part. 

Footsteps neared. It was the Moshae and Amara. Evfra and Andraknor inclined their heads in greeting. 

“Am I hearing this right, Evfra?” the Moshae asked. “You’re recommending Andraknor take Ryder on for Heskaarl training?”

Evfra nodded. The Moshae hummed a sound of contemplation. “If that is all, Moshae,” Amara asked as she made to take her leave. 

“One moment,” the Moshae lifted a hand. “What do you think?”

“Are we speaking about the Spear?” Amara asked. 

Evfra nodded. Amara took the datapad from him and scanned the contents. She gasped. The information contained within was Ryder’s credentials and accomplishments, past and present. It had her current mental and physical condition. 

Medical records weren’t private for angaras. Everyone was open and honest about their pain and emotions after all. But Evfra had a feeling, Ryder wouldn’t be too happy knowing her information was passed around this way. 

“Training isn’t what she needs,” Amara said. “She needs to heal her mind, her soul.”

All eyes swung around to look at Amara. The younger woman seemed a little overwhelmed at the sudden attention. “Look, she has been through so much over the past year and a half. Has she really taken the time to recover? Was she given the time to process?”

Evfra nodded. “Battle memories are surfacing for her. She has started seeing a professional for help but it is still very new for her. I know this will take time for her mind to come to terms with everything but Ryder doesn’t do well with sitting still. She fares so much better with a job,” he said. 

“But she has to be still now doesn’t she?” the Moshae said. “Her arm…”

“My point exactly,” Andraknor said. “I am not against considering her candidacy but right now, she can’t possibly do well in the training. You’re just setting her up for failure.”

Evfra huffed. It seemed it wasn’t to be. It was worth a try. 

“What if,” Amara piped up. “What if we send her to my brother?”

The Moshae’s eyes brightened. “Yes, that is a good idea.”

Evfra cocked his head in confusion. “Amara’s brother is one of the sages,” the Moshae explained, before turning back to Amara. “Speak to your brother and let me know if he is amendable about this. Meanwhile, I will speak to Ryder. Andraknor, speak to Levine. See what she says. Ryder doesn’t have to join the current batch of Heskaarl trainees. If she is willing, interested, you can make your evaluation regarding her candidacy after she is better.”

With that, the impromptu meeting dispersed. The Moshae turned to him. “Where’s Ryder?”

* * *

Ryder popped the pills into her mouth. Before Paran could hand her a cup of water, she dry-swallowed them. “Always so quick and eager,” he shook his head. 

“I’m saving us all some time, doc,” Ryder replied. “I don’t see how this combination is going to work this time.”

How long has she been on Aya? Weeks? How long was she going have to try? Being poked and prodded, albeit this was with benign intentions, it still wore on her patience. The feeling of being useful, being needed, faded quickly after that jaunt to the waterfall with Evfra. She rode that high for a few days, then it was quickly mired in panic attacks, random flashbacks, sleepless nights and the endless gnawing agony of her stump.

“Have a little faith, Ryder,” Paran said. 

“Yeah, sure, easy for you to say,” she retorted.

* * *

Admittedly her mood was much improved. One large contributing factor was Areza, the therapist that Evfra got her, helped. Ryder spent most of her time between Paran and Areza since they were both housed in the same medical centre. 

Ryder hesitated at the door that first time. Her hand shook a little before pressing resolutely against the holo-lock. Music playing in her ear to distract herself. A clear and quiet voice sang her truth.

_And I finally see myself  
Unabridged and overwhelmed_

She entered. Earpiece still in her ear taking in the therapy room. It was decorated enough not to feel so clinical like how a medbay would. The room felt warm and like a cocoon with the drapes and warm muted colours. 

_A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell  
But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell_

Areza’s deep blue eyes watching her take in the surroundings with cat-like pupils. Ryder knew what she was doing. She was taking in the layout, noting the door and windows. Her skin crawled a little at what she was submitting herself to but Ryder knew she needed help. Even now with help just two centimetres away, all Ryder had to do was to reach out and take it. She hesitated. 

Was Kadara living so ingrained in her to not allow her to show weakness, even to people who wanted to help? Or was this something in her shitty personality? 

Ryder sank down on the pillows that angaras favoured in place of chairs. She stopped her music and took her earpiece out. Areza talked and coaxed, cajoled and reasoned. But being here was about all Ryder could do right then. Finally, Areza sighed. Ryder figured she managed to drag the patient and gentle angara to the brink of frustration. 

“Sara,” she said. 

Ryder stiffened at her name. It was a while since she heard it. She had not associated herself with Sara in a long time. She had been Ryder since before coming to Andromeda. “Look at me, Sara,” Areza said, her voice gentle as if speaking to a skittish animal. 

Kiba nudged her arm with her wet nose. Ryder sighed, Kiba wasn’t cutting her any breaks either. She met Areza’s deep blue eyes. “You deserve help. You need help. I can help you,” she said. “Please let me help you.”

Ryder looked away, rubbed her thumb over her index finger over and over. Her prosthesis resting against Kiba’s neck, ruffling her fur. Ryder snatched at the tatters of her courage. Questions had been pressing against her mind but it felt easier to face a charging eiroch than to ask them. Her eyes flicked back to find Areza still waiting. “Let me help you,” she said, “Please.”

The dam broke. Words poured. Ryder could barely keep up with the rate her thoughts swirled. “Why is this happening to me now? It’s been months, some of it a year or more. It’s over. I’ve survived. Why?” Ryder asked, her voice low and tired. “It’s the arm, then it’s the shitty new revulsion over the smell of antiseptic and medigel, now this fucking brain of mine. Don’t get me started on needles.”

Ryder suppressed a shudder at the thought, squeezing her eyes shut. Kiba shifted her weight and rested her head on Ryder’s thigh. She took a shuddering breath and managed to keep her frustration from pouring out. Areza waited for her to open her eyes again. 

“Your battle memories are surfacing and it’s dragging you back to times when you fought, when you struggled. It is not unusual for these memories to come back months, even years after the initial event. The battle terror you experienced over mundane things along with these memories is part of what we call battle illness.”

Ryder nodded. _PTSD. Flashbacks. Panic attacks._ They were all familiar concepts crouched in different terms. Why ever did she think she was immune to them? If everything she had been through happened to someone else, she wouldn’t be surprised. Why was she astonished when it crept up on her? 

_I am only human after all._

“You don’t even have to have gone through a battle to have battle illness. Anything that leaves a deep negative impact on your life, your soul will echo throughout your life. Your past is not letting you go, that’s why this is happening.”

Ryder nodded. Her fingers curled over Kiba’s fur. _Why is this so hard? I choose life, didn’t I?_ Her breath quickened for a moment and Kiba whined. Forcing her fingers to let go, she huffed. 

“Help me.”

After that, every time she was done with Paran if she wasn’t too physically drained, she would see Areza. They would work through it together. Areza would take her hand and guided her through it all, teaching her ways to ground herself in reality, to recognise the signs of battle terror. With Areza and Kiba, Ryder was slowly getting a grip on her issues. 

* * *

“All right, how does your arm feel?” 

“The same. Dull ache today but I had a couple of flares earlier.”

Paran stuck a couple of electrodes on her stump and flipped a switch. A mild buzzing travelled up her stump towards her shoulder. It’s a machine that mimicked an angara bio-electricity but this one could output a constant level of energy. It’s just a more scientific way to approach it. 

“Now?”

“Tinglingly.” 

Paran let the machine run for a couple of minutes before flipping it off. The last time they tried the bio-electricity treatment on the Tempest, the relief lasted hours. Here, with the short burst, the pain returned quickly but that was the point. It’s a way to test the efficacy of the new medication. 

They waited. 

Five minutes. Ten minutes. Nothing was happening. A small part of Ryder grew cautiously hopeful. Paran eyed her nervously. Sometimes when the pain returned, it came back in a spectacular fashion. The worst one resulted in her curling into a ball, unable to move and throwing up her meal all over the floor. He raised a brow ridge at her. She shrugged. 

Fifteen, then twenty. The door slid opened. Ryder swung her head around and saw the Moshae entering. She grimaced. Paran flinched. “Pain?” he asked. 

She shook her head. Ryder had been trying to avoid the Moshae. Somehow seeing her reminded Ryder of the last meeting with the Leadership. The disappointment and anger were all simmering under the surface. Well, now she’s cornered. 

“Moshae,” Ryder greeted. 

“Ryder,” the Moshae returned with a smile on her face. 

Guilt for avoiding the Moshae made her blush, Ryder felt like a child being gently reprimanded. The Moshae was the only one who had her back, after all. Nobody else did. Paran bowed and offered the Moshae his seat in his cramped lab. The Moshae laughed and declined. “How is the treatment going?” she asked instead. 

Ryder rolled her eyes. _If we can call trial and error, treatment. Yeah sure._ Paran didn’t notice and instead warmed up to his favourite subject. “We are trying a new compound drug made from a number of angara local herbs. It has been promising so far.”

He shot a look at Ryder. She shrugged. “And this has been our most promising trial yet,” he went on, looking at his omni-tool. “It’s holding for more than 30 minutes now.”

Then, the Moshae went on talking about everything that’s going on the Nexus. Ryder listened with half an ear, willing herself not to care. She refused to be pulled back into Nexus politics again. 

“And they found a new vault in Meridian,” the Moshae said. 

Ryder looked up. The Moshae smiled. _Damn, this old woman._

“None of the Pathfinders can open it,” she continued. 

_Shit, I’m not that transparent, am I?_

“Not even Cora?” Ryder asked, unable to hold back her curiosity. 

The Moshae’s smile grew wider and knowing. Ryder bit back a groan. Whatever it is that the Moshae was angling for, it’s working. She cared, about this bit at least. A mysterious new vault that all the SAMs couldn’t crack was intriguing, to say the least. “It’s not a dead vault is it?” she asked. 

The Moshae shook her head. “I’m not been down to see it myself but I’m sure the scientists there could tell the difference. It’s one of the largest vaults they found so far and there is a strange signal being emitted from inside.”

Ryder cocked her head. “Kett? Jardaan?”

The Moshae shrugged. Before Ryder could ask another question, a searing deep pain burnt from the inside out. It’s a sharp electric sensation that made Ryder gasp, she couldn’t quite catch her breath. A groan forced its way through her clenched jaw. The Moshae and Paran were instantly at her side as she started to shake from the effort to keep from screaming. Ryder bit down on her lip, tasting blood. Her hand formed a fist, while her prothesis clenched as well. She wasn’t sure what’s happening but she felt herself being lay down on a cot. Voices echoed around her but she was too far gone to make out what’s happening.

* * *

The haze of the pain retreated. Ryder had no idea how long she was lying there. Her throat was parched. Her body weak and limp. Ryder looked at her stump, there was a patch there. She sighed as she peeled it off. Grabbing her prosthesis, Ryder pulled it on, wincing a little as she did so. At least Paran was able to help with the sensitive skin over her stump. “How long?”

“30 minutes,” the Moshae replied. 

“Sorry, I didn’t think you will still be here.”

“You were in distress. It was the least I could do.”

Again with the “least, I could do”s, Ryder shrugged. “Doc, so is this a success?”

“Yes, Ryder!” the angara exclaimed, his excitement was literally sparking off his skin. 

Ryder edged away from him, lest his bio-electricity was going to trigger another round for her. “I think we found the right combination for you. I just need to tweak the dosage. That pill you took lasted more than four hours. I think this is going to work.”

Paran tossed her a bottle. “Let’s try one every four hours, it will be troublesome to wake up in the middle of the night for another dose but…”

“Doc, if this works,” Ryder interrupted, “I don’t care if I have to wake up a couple more times. I’m fucking happy if this just works.”

Paran smiled. “Well, then you are all set. Let’s try this for a month or so.”

Ryder raised a brow at the angara. “So you’re sending me packing?”

“We need time to see if you’re going to build up a tolerance to it. Meanwhile, I’ll develop something better for you. Here, take these patches.”

Ryder pocketed the bottle and caught the pack of patches. It was the same ones Lexi gave her when the pain got too bad. “You know how to use those?” he asked. 

She nodded. “Monitor your usage for those. I hear it can be very addictive for humans.”

The patches were small white adhesive squares with a powerful painkiller on one side but they felt very dangerous in her hands. _I’m an adult, I can handle this._

Paran made shooing motions when his hands after giving his instructions. The Moshae and Ryder walked out the medical centre together. Many bowing at the Moshae, some she exchanged touches with. The Moshae was like a majestic ship that navigated through the sea of people easily and gracefully. Ryder felt clumsy in comparison. At least here she felt comfortable enough to stop hiding her prosthesis though she still made sure to keep her long sleeves down instead of pushing them up to her elbows as she usually did. 

A group of children came running towards the Moshae. She bent and there was an animated conversation in Shelesh. Ryder was too far away for the translator to pick up the conversation. The Moshae turned and pointed her out to the children. Ryder gulped as the kids approached. They stopped a respectful distance away. _Maybe they’re afraid of me._

“Are you the one who saved Bilah?” one piped up. 

Ryder cocked her head. 

“He told us you rescued him at the waterfall.”

“Ahh, yes. He is right,” Ryder said, bending down on one knee to be level with the children. “I didn’t get his name then. Is Bilah all right?”

“He told us about your funny arm. He said it was different from other humans,” another said. 

Ryder forced herself to grin. “Do you want to see?” she asked apprehensively. _Maybe I’ll freak them all out and give them nightmares for life._

The children nodded their heads and gathered closer. Ryder glanced at the Moshae to gauge if this was a dumb idea. The Moshae nodded encouragingly. Taking a deep breath to steel herself in case they all run screaming. Ryder rolled up her sleeves up slowly. Her eyes watching for any sign of fear.

There was a sharp intake of breath. Then silence. Ryder waited for the running and screaming. 

“That’s so cool!” they exclaimed. “Can we touch it?”

The Moshae approached, worry hovering in her eyes. “It’s fine,” Ryder said. 

She turned back to her captured audience. “You can touch but gently ok?”

The children were careful but their excitement made their touches sparked against her prosthesis. Thankfully it wasn’t painful having just dosed herself on her new medication. “Want to see something even better?”

They nodded vigorously. Ryder concentrated. It was easier with practice but it still sometimes takes a concentrated focus to get the prosthesis to move in a timely fashion. The fingers closed and the lights that lined her knuckles and arm lighted up and glowed.

“Wow!” 

Eventually, the Moshae was able to extract her from among the tiny pile of children. Many adults were also looking on, smiling in her direction. Ryder found a smile on her own face. It wasn’t as unnatural or false as before. 

They made their way out and walked the length of the market. She was enjoying the warm breeze weaving through her hair and over her skin. The market was crowded. Angara, humans, salarians, turians and asaris trading, speaking and mingling. This was exactly what she was trying to work for. Her right arm rubbed against the sheath that encased her stump. The thoughts pulled in different directions. _Was it worth it? An arm for peace?_

The Moshae glanced at her, a question in her eyes. Ryder shook her head. Her hand dropped to her side. _It’s worth it. It has got to be._ The prosthesis’ lights flared in response. As Ryder turned towards her quarters, the Moshae touched her shoulder. 

“Walk with me.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. The Moshae laughed, her voice deep, rich and full of life. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“I can’t help but feel like you’re up to something,” Ryder replied. 

“Well, you’re learning then,” the Moshae smiled almost slyly. “So you have a month of nothing.”

Ryder nodded. She waited to see where the Moshae was going with this. “I’m suggesting, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, you take a trip to Havarl.”

A chill ran down Ryder’s spine. An echo of a ghostly scream pierced her ears, the scar along her collarbone flared in pain as her breath caught in her throat. Ryder forced herself to take a deep breath, her heart rate quickening at the mention of a single word. 

“Why?” She managed to force the word past her lips.

“One month of rest and recovery.” The Moshae glanced her way, but kept her silence if she noticed Ryder’s reaction to the word.

“What about my sessions with Areza? I can do that just fine on Aya but I can't if I'm on Havarl. As for recovery, this is going to be as good as it gets for me,” Ryder said. 

“You can’t know that. You’re barely recovering if you’re experiencing such debilitating pain. This isn’t for your body. This is for your heart and soul too.”

Ryder’s steps stilled. _Heart and soul._

The empty hole that was ripped open by her trip to the other side. Her little chat with her father was still fresh, barely beginning to heal. Her constant brushes with death had left her tingling like a nerve raw and exposed. As much as her enforced recovery time back on Meridian had made her be still, her mind ran ahead anyway. It chased itself in circles with blame and guilt. Something she kept doing all too easily if her nightmares were any indication. The past year and a half had left her hollowed out and empty. 

“You’re a shell, barely hanging on. You keep going for the sake of others,” the Moshae said. “This is for you. I won’t say I don’t have an ulterior motive. I care about you, Ryder. You saved my life. Please let me do the same for you.”

Ryder blinked. It was another person invested in her well-being. It wasn’t just the crew, just her twin, just Dex and Wrench. She had anchors, the good kind. The kind that kept her grounded in reality, the kind that made sure she didn’t just walk off the deep end and never return. The messages that Cora passed to her from the other Pathfinders were three other anchors she didn’t know she had. 

_I do not walk alone._

As hard as everything was, Ryder wanted to live. That’s why she accepted Areza’s help. That’s why she was willing to speak when she didn’t with Lexi. Ryder recognised she couldn’t do it on her own. She never was alone in the first place. 

She had made her choice at the other place. It was her choice, it wasn’t something that’s been forced on her. _Fuck if the Moshae isn’t right. I’ve been half-assing at this shit._

“What’s there at Havarl?”

“The Sages.”

Ryder took a deep breath. Looking into the Moshae’s eyes, a crystal clear blue so piercing that Ryder’s breath caught in her throat. “I won’t force you, I can’t force you. This has to be your choice.”

“Areza's sessions?”

“We can arrange to do it over vid-calls.”

Ryder took a deep breath. Her eyes met the Moshae’s head on. “When do we leave?”

**Lyrics Taken from[Three by Sleeping at Last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asobS45OFJY) **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	66. Mithrava

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder retreated to the now empty quarters and sank onto her bed. She buried her face in her hands. Kiba hopped up the bed and leaned against her. A noise of disgust and frustration escaped her mouth as she tried to put memories where they belonged - in the past. Her focus turning inward as she forced herself to go through breathing exercises to calm herself down.
> 
> Footsteps dragged her attention outward. “Ryder?”
> 
> She recognised the voice. It was Armud. 
> 
> “Are you all right, Ryder?” he asked. “You left a little suddenly.”
> 
> Kiba started to growl, warning him away. Ryder tried to ignore him. It was taking all her effort to not get drag into the battle memories, she didn’t have any spare mental capacity to shoo Armud away politely. Kiba’s growl grew louder. The husky’s agitation was making her feel worse. Her breathing was quickening again. 
> 
> Ryder gritted her teeth and pressed her hand over Kiba’s snout. “Not now,” she growled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the comments and kudos. I’ve created a new Tumblr to reblog art done for my writings. You can find it [here](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com). The link below has also been updated. I’ve also posted two new stories. You can find them [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/works). However, do read the tags before jumping in. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com) <\- New art for Chapter 10
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

So one month turned to two and now Ryder was well into her third month at Mithrava. “Why did I ever agree to this?” Ryder growled as she shouldered a pack filled with a whole bunch of local fruits as well as ration bars for herself. 

Kiba barked playfully at her, bounding ahead. “Fuck you, Kiba,” she yelled half-heartedly at the dog. 

The dog replied with a couple lazy wags of her tail. This was her new job. As if making her do the cleaning and washing after meal times wasn’t enough, Armud had assigned her to pick up the daily fresh produce from a nearby daar. 

“How the fuck did they do this every day without me? Who was the poor soul doing this job every single fucking day?”

Kiba bounded ahead and quickly doubling back to check in on her. Ryder could almost strangle the dog for showing off the boundless energy she had. Ryder shifted the straps of the pack that was biting into her shoulders. Her left leg was sore but it was no worse than usual. In fact, it bore her weight better now. “Come on, one foot after another,” she reminded herself as she podded along. 

Ryder glanced at the sun, it was almost overhead. Despite the chilly air sweat was pouring off her brow. Her shirt was damp, disgusting and stuck to her back. The pack on her back didn’t make her feel any feel any better. “Ahhh…” she groaned not for the first time since she started on the trip back to Mithrava from the daar. “Why…”

Kiba circled around back to her and weaved between her legs. “Kiba!” she yelled. “Are you trying to fucking trip me?”

For a couple of minutes, Ryder chased after Kiba despite the burdens she was carrying. For a couple of minutes, the weight in her chest, the burn of her muscles forgotten. It was the joy of being alive, mobile and free. Ryder’s calls for Kiba and the husky’s answering playful barks could be heard as she climbed the steps up towards Mithrava.

* * *

Panic attacks were fewer in occurrences especially now that she could recognise the signs and take steps to make the experience less unpleasant. That made Ryder feel less helpless. After the Cetus chip, there was nothing she hated more.

Ryder didn’t know what would she do without Kiba. The dog was always there, keeping her in the present, dragging her away from her memories. Despite improving immensely with Areza’s help, learning how to cope on her own, Kiba just knew what she needed. Her furry warmth pressed against her body, centring her, reminding her where she was. Without Kiba, Ryder was sure she would be lost. 

Sometimes the battle memory had its claws in her mind so tightly, even Kiba couldn’t bring her back. Eyes open but not seeing. Hands clawing at things unseen. Biotics ready to blast an enemy not there. Those times, Kiba would keep the others away from her. The husky would bark at her, guiding her back to reality by sheer volume.

Ryder never really knew the details. The edges of reality and battle memories hazy and blending together. But some of the acolytes wouldn’t hesitate to tell her. It was the famed angara’s honesty that made her realised the danger she posed to everyone. Ryder was afraid of herself. 

_What if I blasted one of the others? Or Kiba?_

The sinking feeling in the pit of her gut made her feel sick but Ryder couldn’t bring herself to send Kiba away. The best she could do was to get herself out of the shared sleeping quarters. Ryder thanked the gods she never accidentally discharged her biotics during an episode. 

“Kiba,” she spoke out loud as she played with the husky’s velvety soft ears, music playing softly in her ears. “You prefer this to Kadara? Do you miss Wrench and Dex?”

Kiba pressed her cold nose against her face in reply. “Aww, Kiba,” she groaned as she shifted her face away. “That’s not the way to voice your complains.”

* * *

“Hey, Ryder.” 

Ryder jerked upright and blinked. She glanced about her. _Ahh… yes, bad night._

“What’s up, Hivali?” Ryder asked as she rubbed her sandy eyes. 

Good rest was hard to come by but at least her medication only needed to be taken every five hours now. Paran had been improving her medication with every new shipment she got. Her medication was regularly shipped over from Aya. Paran always included instructions and notes on what changed since the last batch. Every new batch saw the time between dosages lengthening, she didn’t need to keep a close eye on the clock.

_That is something at least, right?_

Ryder stifled a yawn, she wasn’t sure if angara had anything resembling morning breath but it paid to be polite. She was a guest here after all. Hivali bent down on her knees to get to eye level with Ryder. “Are you all right?” she asked. “Last night, you were…”

She grimaced. “I’m sorry, it’s just bad dreams. I didn’t hurt anyone did I?” she asked anxiously. “I just wanted to get out of the quarters so that everyone else can sleep without me disturbing them.”

Kiba got to her feet and circled around the both of them before sitting down, her eyes focused Ryder. Her mouth opened in a wide grin. Hivali smiled at Kiba but kept her hands to herself. “No, everyone is fine. Kiba made sure nobody approached you.”

Ryder winced. She remembered shadowy hands clamping down on her neck, squeezing and choking. Kiba barked, jolting her out from her own head. _Right, stop._

Havali went on, not noticing her lapse. “Everyone is worried about you. You don’t have to sleep out here,” she said. “Isn’t it too cold for humans?”

She shook her head finally getting to her feet. Kiba huffed her approval. “It’s fine really, I have Kiba to keep me warm. She’s very good at that,” Ryder said as she patted the husky. 

Kiba, as if impatient at all the talking, barked at them before walking away towards the communal canteen. Ryder grinned. “All right, all right, breakfast,” she said. “Come on, Havali, let’s go wash up and get something to eat.”

* * *

Sometimes, she sent Wrench, Dex, Jaal and Scott, which by extension meant the rest of the crew, photos and vids. It was mostly of Kiba, sometimes the white husky was posing with angaras, other times it’s Kiba against a variety of landscape. Ryder usually appended a simple message of “Everything is fine, there is nothing to worry about.” with the media. 

This way, the others knew she was ok and she wouldn’t be constantly bugged for updates. Ryder knew she had let them down by trying to go it alone. Their worry for her was valid, and they accommodated her. Still, Ryder didn’t want to feel like a child under supervision all the time. These photos and videos of Kiba were a happy compromise as things turned out. 

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months. Ryder didn’t feel the passage of time. Every day was the same. Her walks to the daar, her meals, even her occasional lapse into battle memories and the nights she spent outside with Kiba. It was peaceful. Ryder was slowly feeling normal again.

* * *

Another day, another trip to the daar and back. 

“Healing the heart and soul?” Ryder snarled as she navigated the steps up towards the top. “My ass. This is pure torture.”

Was it the fourth month of her stay at Mithrava? Ryder couldn’t quite keep time straight in her head anymore but it occurred to her to wonder how long was she going to impose on the angaras’ hospitality. 

It took her almost an hour to get from the foot to the top. Amurd was waiting for her when she finally made it up. “You made good time,” he said.

“You were dying the last time I saw you,” Ryder’s eyes narrowed at him, staring daggers into his smiling face. “Why are you so chipper now?”

“I was,” Amurd admitted. “But your Nexus scientists has medication that helped reverse the effects my illness. Now stop cursing me to an early grave. Let me give you a hand.”

Amurd looked at her as if waiting for a reaction. “Get it?” he asked. 

“This is a fucking nightmare,” she groaned and stormed off with the supplies to the canteen, Kiba gave Amurd a half-hearted growl before following. 

Ryder dropped her burdens and spun on her heels to head back out. “Come on,” Amurd said. “I am grateful that you helped find my sister. And for your work every day.”

She glared at him half-heartedly. “You have a funny way to show your gratitude. Manual labour isn’t the usual form of gratitude.”

Armud laughed. “Come on, it’s time for the daily meditation.”

Ryder rolled her eyes. The meditations was another part of life on Mithrava. Mostly, it’s all about sitting down, allowing the First Sage, Esmus to guide you through the session. 

She settled into the cushions scattered about the open concourse. The others were already there. Ryder was, as usual, the one late to the session. She shuffled quickly over to the remaining open seat and sank onto the cushion. 

Ryder sighed. Her hands trembled a little as she bit her lower lip. It wasn’t battle memories hammering at her door. It was purely anxiety but it wasn’t without cause. 

At first, Ryder fled the daily meditations, never being able to complete a single session without trouble. Despite, Esmus’ calm voice guiding her through the steps, her body craving to be still after her exertions, Ryder couldn’t do it. 

With her eyes closed, everyone else was quiet and still, her body relaxed, her mind was free to do as it pleased. Her mind sent the highlight reel, images, sounds and smells of the worse of the worst. 

“No.” 

Her eyes squeezed shut. Her hands twitching as desperation coursed through her veins. Her heart thumping harder, faster as her arms remembered the lightning jolts of pain as electricity made her convulsed uncontrollably. Her body jerked as she remembered fighting for air as Reyes crushed her throat. 

“No, don’t.”

Her eyes forced themselves open. Her mouth was already half open with a scream ready to rip out of her throat. Ryder took shuddering breaths as she got to her feet unsteadily. 

“Sorry, I can’t,” she whispered before staggering away, Kiba trailing worriedly behind. 

Ryder retreated to the now empty quarters and sank onto her bed. She buried her face in her hands. Kiba hopped up the bed and leaned against her. A noise of disgust and frustration escaped her mouth as she tried to put memories where they belonged - in the past. Her focus turning inward as she forced herself to go through breathing exercises to calm herself down.

Footsteps dragged her attention outward. “Ryder?”

She recognised the voice. It was Armud. 

“Are you all right, Ryder?” he asked. “You left a little suddenly.”

Kiba started to growl, warning him away. Ryder tried to ignore him. It was taking all her effort to not get drag into the battle memories, she didn’t have any spare mental capacity to shoo Armud away politely. Kiba’s growl grew louder. The husky’s agitation was making her feel worse. Her breathing was quickening again. 

Ryder gritted her teeth and pressed her hand over Kiba’s snout. “Not now,” she growled. 

Armud’s footsteps stopped. She couldn’t see him but she could feel his hesitation. Kiba kept growling despite her hand, she tightened her grip and all she managed was to muffle Kiba’s growl. “Please, I can’t do this now. Just go,” Ryder begged. 

Armud’s footsteps retreated but stopped at the threshold. Kiba shifted trying to keep Armud in her view. Ryder could feel the vibration against her hand. She took a shuddering breath and kept her eyes squeezed shut. “Please go, Armud.”

Most times, she was too spent to get out of her bed. The episode drained what energy she had left for the rest of the day that only sleep would help. Those days, Armud would save a portion of the meal for her. Occasionally when she slept heavily, he would gently wake her to make sure she took her medication. Of course, waking her up no matter how gently was fraught with the possibility of triggering her. If that happened, Kiba was there to help calm her down. 

Other times, Ryder would force herself to watch the meditations. She leaned against one of the columns along the perimeter of the concourse one of those days. Kiba pressed against her leg, giving her comfort.

Esmus was prominent with his dusty purple colouring and white markings. He sat facing everyone else. His voice occasionally speaking up to provide instructions. His deep, serene voice calmed her nerves. Everyone had their eyes closed. The air buzzing slightly with bio-electricity. 

“Breathe in, then out.”

His voice was quiet but it carried. Ryder could see everyone’s chest moving up and down in unison. The air hissed as everyone breathed out. 

“In and out.”

Ryder found herself keeping time with them as well. Then the buzzing intensified. Her skin crawled. There was nothing discernible happening but Ryder could see little perks of their lips. 

_What is going on?_

The session went on like that. Esmus giving instructions while Ryder watched on. The buzzing and the sensation increased and decreased with his words but as far as she could tell, nothing was really happening. 

Ryder ran her prosthesis over her bare arm, trying to rub the sensation away. The sensation wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It was just odd. 

“And now release.”

The buzz faded and it left Ryder feeling a little more energised than before. Her lungs breathed a little easier, her mind a little clearer. It didn’t matter if she didn’t know what was happening, it was clear to her that these sessions helped. 

_Maybe it is something similar to how Jaal’s bio-electricity help numb my arm._

Ryder blinked, suddenly realising Esmus had his eyes on her. She nodded at him. She was sure she had ruined many a session for him thanks to her episodes. She sighed and slapped her hand against her thigh. “Come on, Kiba,” she said as the other angaras started to disperse. “We have a meal to prep.” 

* * *

First Sage Esmus glanced at the solo human among the others. She was helping the acolytes preparing a meal for everyone. Her white dog trotting around licking the floor and snapping up every scrap that fell off the table. “How is she doing really?” he asked. 

Amurd smiled. “It has taken her a while but I think she is fitting in nicely,” he said. “Thank you for allowing her to join us.”

Esmus placed a hand on Amurd. “Even I have heard of her deeds, what’s a few months tutoring a human, giving her the space to heal?”

Ryder cursed as her prosthesis refused to let go of the knife she was using to slice the fruit. The white husky gave a sharp bark as Ryder muttered under a breath. “I see her physical strength has returned. Thanks to the exercises you have devised.”

Amurd hid his smile as Ryder seemed to sense they were talking about her. “Yes,” he agreed. “Her doctor mentioned her left leg had taken a serious injury and wasn’t recovering as well as it possibly could because of enforced inactivity. Her arm was obviously in need of rehabilitating. I’ve been monitoring her condition but her watchfulness made it hard. So far, her pain hasn’t returned as long as she took her medication in a timely manner. I think with the daily exercises, she will be physically fit in no time, maybe not battle ready but in a good enough condition that allows her to do whatever she wants.”

Esmus chuckled, ignoring the looks Ryder was sending their way “You are a sly one. What about her battle illness?”

The smile slid off Amurd’s face, turning his back to Ryder. He sighed. “Yes, the acolytes have been helping me keep an eye on her. The husky is a great help when it came to the episodes. I’ve tried to speak to her about them but she brushed me off. I know she has a therapist working with her regularly. But I wonder if there is anything more we can do to help.”

The First Sage nodded. He remembered seeing Ryder out at the concourse many a night. The white dog her only companion during those times. Even though Ryder was with them for months, she spoke when spoken to, she engaged in conversations when people asked but she kept everyone at an arm’s length. Ryder wasn’t aloof or standoffish by any stretch, she was friendly but never approached anyone for a simple chat. Ryder revealed nothing personal, avoided the details of her entire ordeal like the plague as if by giving voice to them made them real. With the battle illness she endured, they were already real enough. 

Esmus’ eyes lingered on Ryder as he took a deep breath. “I see what I can do.”

* * *

Topside was empty at this time of the night. Everyone sane was asleep. Though her stump no longer gave her sharp spikes of pain sometimes there was a dull ache that never quite go away no matter what medication Paran tried. When it’s bright and she’s busy, the ache barely registered but when everything quiet and still, it’s an irritation that refused to leave her alone. Another round with shadowy hands and flashing needles chased her from her bed again. This time, just a simple nightmare. Ryder was too shaken to try and go back to sleep. Maybe a nap out in the open was in order again. 

_Why won’t the past just let me go?_

Outside, she felt less confined. The starlit sky tugged at her soul. Ryder did miss it, the new planets to explore, the meeting of new people. It’s the sheer possibilities and potential that’s there when she’s on the Tempest. Tann’s words echoed in her head. The desperation in his voice wasn’t false. Ryder could see why. She was in no position to help anymore. Not after she told the Leadership to fuck themselves. The dull ache flared, her prosthesis glowed in response dragging her mind back to reality, her reality. Ryder sighed. It was an idle thought anyway. 

Pulling her earpiece out, she tapped on her omni-tool for some music. The beat thumped against her ear. 

_Waking up and letting go_  
To the sound of angels  
Am I alive or just a ghost?  
Haunted by my sorrows

She lay back, eyes turning skywards. Kiba settled down beside her, pressing her furry warm back against Ryder’s side. Her cold metal fingers running against her scar, rubbing it in a familiar gesture. No longer did the contact of metal on skin made her flinched. With her time on Aya and Havarl, there was plenty she had gotten used to. 

_Hope is slipping through my hands_  
Gravity is taking hold  
_I said I'm not afraid that I am brave enough_

There was no longer the overwhelming urge to hide her prosthesis. The angaras were mostly mildly curious and once satisfied, the arm didn’t bother them. In truth, the arm bothered her more than the others. It was, after all, a reminder of her failures. 

  
_I will not give up until I see the sun_

Her jaw clenched as she forced her thoughts away from dangerous grounds. _You choose this. Life, fucking life. Live it damn you!_

Kiba shifted and nuzzled her hand. Ryder gave in and ran her fingers through the husky’s fur, the prosthesis sending feedback up her stump. A huff escaped her lips, it’s more exasperation at herself than anything else. Ryder dragged her attention back to the sky and filled her eyes with stars and constellations. _I should ask Jaal to teach me some if all I can do is admire them from down here._  


Kiba growled as a light tread from behind made her sit up, Ryder spun around with battle-ready swiftness. The First Sage took a step back. Ryder glanced at her left arm. She was flaring. “Sorry, old habits.” Ryder shook her prosthesis and allowed the energy to dissipate. 

The older angara shook his head. “May I join you?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded warily as she shushed Kiba. “Why are you up?” she asked as Esmus sat next to her. 

“Same reason as you, I guess.” Esmus lay on his back. 

He patted the ground next to him. His indication clear. Despite the odd request, Ryder gave in. “Do you want to meditate with me?” he asked. 

“Yeah, ok.” Ryder turned her eyes to the sky as she waited. 

“Close your eyes.” His voice deep and calm, slow and soothing.

Ryder obeyed. The darkness came as she shut her eyes. 

“Breathe.”

Taking in air through her nose and out through her mouth. Slow, deliberate and calm. _I’ll be ok._

“Give me your hand.” 

Ryder opened her eyes and she turned to face him, an eyebrow raised in his request. He lifted his hand. She shrugged mentally. _Why not?_ Ryder placed her smaller one in his. She closed her eyes again and slowed her breathing again. 

“Feel with all your senses. Stretch them out and touch.”

For a while, they lay in silence. Nothing but the chirping of insects lingering in the air. The cool night breeze rippling through her hair. The scent of Havarl’s wet and lush forest wind it’s way through her lungs. Then, a tingling sensation creeping along her bare skin, buzzing and vibrating. 

“Can you feel it?” he asked. 

The sensation intensified. Ryder recognised it. It was the angara’s natural bio-electricity field. Ryder shivered a little at the sensation, it was stronger than she had ever felt it. 

“Yes.”

“This is me amping up my field for you.”

“Is that why I feel slightly prickly?” Ryder marvelling at the sensation. “It’s different from the regular sensation I feel when I touch an angara.”

“Yes, the rest were emitting a lower field that you’re picking up. It’s slightly different because we are actively projecting it. It’s stronger.”

She allowed the feeling to flow over her. It reminded her of Jaal, when his fingers tender and slow, brushing over her stump.

“Just be, let go of your weariness. Loosen the knots of your soul.”

Ryder held herself still and turned her attention inward. The black deepened, as waves upon waves, came over her mind’s eye. She steeled herself and waited. 

Nothing. 

There was just nothing. No scent of blood slamming into her nostrils, no screams for help, no cruel laughter of a familiar voice, no choking sensation on her throat. 

Nothing. 

“Give thanks for the sunrise you greet, the sunset you enjoy. Give thanks for the air you breathe, the life you live.”

_Thank you._

“Let go, Ryder,” Esmus said. “Let it all go.”

A tension that was constricting her chest loosened a notch. Ryder gasped. Her lungs filled fuller than it could before. 

“The blame.”

Her throbbing scar eased. 

“The pain.”

The dull pain that was plaguing her grew muted until she couldn’t feel it anymore. Ryder flexed her prosthesis. It moved as easily and quickly as if it was her own hand. 

“The guilt.”

Her breath hitched. It caught in her throat. Ryder coughed and sat up, breaking the shared bio-electricity. Her head bowed between her bent knees as she coughed harder. Kiba pressed herself against her side. But the spell was broken. Esmus sat up, hovering over her. She could feel his eyes on her as she struggled to calm her lungs. 

“Are you all right?” Esmus asked his hand rubbing her back. 

Ryder opened her eyes, let out a shuddering breath as she grimaced. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she gasped as she tried to catch her breath. 

“You should get some sleep,” Esmus said. 

He stood up lingering over her for a moment. Ryder waved her arm at him without looking up. “I’ll be fine,” she reassured, as she cleared her throat. “You should go to bed too.”

Esmus hesitated. She looked up. Their eyes met, brown eyes holding ocean blue ones. The angara huffed a soft breath of exasperation and left. 

Ryder flopped back down on her back. Kiba took up her position next to her again. Her hand ran over her face, Ryder was surprised to find it wet. She was crying. It wasn’t tears of despair, it was of relief. Despite the abrupt end to their session, her chest expanded a little easier, the tension across her shoulders a little looser, her soul a little lighter. 

“Maybe this is a thing after all,” she whispered. 

Kiba just thumped her tail against her leg in reply. 

**Lyrics taken from[Hold Me Now By Red](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcrAD35_P70)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	67. A Favour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone’s comments. I’ve really close to the end of Cetus as far as writing it is concerned. The plan is to use the time I have to start work on the next Ryder story. I don’t know how much I will be able to write. As of now, the plan is not to return to a twice a week posting. Cause I have plans for a second long fic. I’m not sure when that is going to start running because I’ll need some buffer for that one before I start publish. Let me know what are your thoughts. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com) <\- New art by @Naeviss 
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

The fourth month saw more daily food supplies runs, more fiddly manoeuvring with her prosthesis, more mediation. All three things Ryder was getting good at, particularly meditation. 

The daily meditation turned into something she looked forward to. Ryder found the calm easily with Esmus’ guidance. Her body relaxed and unclenched. 

“You look different,” Aresa remarked. 

Ryder blinked. “Do I?” 

She made a show of looking at herself. 

Aresa laughed. “You look looser, more open. Dare I say it, happier.”

Ryder chuckled, Kiba standing on her hind legs and pushed her snout against her face in excitement. “All right, girl,” she said as she hugged the husky. 

“I think Kiba agrees with me,” Aresa said. “I’m really glad for you. You have come a long way, Ryder.”

She drew lazy circles on the top of Kiba’s head as she nodded. “I’m glad too. It’s been a long time,” she sighed contentedly. 

Her laughter trailed off, but a smile lingered. “Too long time.”

“So tell me have you have any more episodes?” Aresa asked, shifting her datapad into view, ready to take notes. 

“Well, there aren’t any more major episodes since last week. There were anxiety attacks but nothing lasting more than ten minutes,” Ryder reported. “Sleeping through the night is still elusive at best.”

Aresa nodded.

* * *

With Kiba as her steadfast companion, there was nothing she couldn’t do, except letting the pearl go. A barbed pearl Ryder had made. It’s made of layers hurt, failure and guilt. Then, painstakingly polished by time, by sweat, by tears and blood. The smooth surface were her triumphs. The barbs, her defeats.   

Ryder could feel the edges of the pearl but it was both too repulsive and too precious to look at. Try as she might, she couldn’t figure out how to let it go. The barbed pearl pressed against her chest, extracting blood as payment. Despite the pain and the stupidly of the gesture, it was familiar, it was hers, it was her.  

Ryder knew Esmus’ occasional night meditation session with her were no coincidence. It was carefully calculated to help and provide space to process. She appreciated the gesture and readily accepted the help. She was getting good at that. His calm voice was her sherpa, leading her into the high winds of her whirlwind emotions, navigated the thick bramble forest of her guilt. Ryder took a deep breath and settled. Her soul more at ease with her body. Her heart no longer rejecting the prosthesis. 

All that helped, but it wasn’t the true goal. Esmus’ voice guided her towards the pearl, to take it apart, to rid herself of it. Bit by bit, day by day, she worked at it. 

By the fifth month, Ryder’s body had toughened, her co-ordination of her prosthesis improved. As her body recovered and strengthened, the less dull aches plagued her. It’s been weeks since her last episode of battle illness. Sleep still evaded. She jerked awake but couldn’t remember why. All that’s left was the lingering fear that dwelled in her chest. 

She panted, her heart racing. Ryder pressed her left palm against her chest, trying to massage it back to regularity. Kiba pushed her head against her limp right one. The gesture dragged the corners of her lips up. 

“I’m good,” she whispered as she glanced about, making sure she wasn't disturbing the others. 

Her hand ruffling the husky’s fur. Ryder buried her nose into the soft fur for a moment and sniffed. 

“Argh, Kiba…” she groaned, making a face. 

The dog’s tail thumped against her bare feet lazily at her name. 

“Fuck, girl. You stink,” Ryder complained. “You’re getting a bath tomorrow. Where have you been?”

Kiba squirmed a little at the mention of a bath even though she was still enjoying the scratching. 

“Don’t make me chase you,” she warned the dog. 

Kiba gave a half-heartened growl.

Ryder pulled the dog into her arms and stretched her hands down to give a good scratching to Kiba’s back. “Don’t you dare talk back.”

The lingering fear long forgotten, her heart settled back to its regular pace as the human cuddled her dog.

* * *

“Try again,” Esmus said one night. 

Ryder frowned and tried again. Pushing her biotics slowly, gently against his field. The mingling of energies was unusual and strange but in a good way. The tingling sensation intensified, easing her sore muscles from the day’s work. She breathed a little easier though the heaviness at her chest reminded her of the barbed pearl.  

“How does it feel?” he asked. 

“Tingly but stronger,” she replied, her voice shaking slightly from the buzzing. “What would happen if I increased my biotics’ intensity? Will my jaw vibrate off my face?”

Her voice sounded odd as if she was speaking into a fan. Ryder laughed. She couldn’t get enough of the way it made her voice sounded. Kiba cocked her head at the laughing human as she started to make odd sounds just for kicks. 

Esmus chuckled. “You humans are strange,” he said eventually. “Let’s end the session here.”

He sat up and watched her. Ryder was still chuckling as pushing herself upright. “It brings back memories of my time on Earth. I was what six maybe seven years old. We were visiting our grandparents, and they had a fan. And I…,” Her voice trailed off. 

A small huff of a sigh escaped Ryder’s lips as her eyes turned inwards. Esmus blinked and kept a close eye. But Kiba wasn’t content to wait, she pawed at Ryder’s crossed legs. She looked up, a faint smile instantly on her face and planted a kiss on the dog’s nose. Kiba shied away and snorted in contempt at the gesture. 

“Silly dog.”

Ryder looked over and found Esmus’ eyes on her. He nodded at her as if satisfied. She raised her eyebrows at him. Esmus didn’t deign to explain himself. Instead he said, “I’ll need your help tomorrow.”  

Ryder’s eyebrows rose higher. Tomorrow was the sixth month mark. She was due to return to Aya for a follow-up with Paran. The current medication she was on had worked well for three months straight. Paran felt they had found the perfect balance of drugs for her. One pill a day, pain-free for an entire standard day. Ryder agreed. She was ready to get back to her life, whatever was left of it. 

“I was looking forward to doing nothing the entire day till I’m due for my shuttle back to Aya,” she pointed out. 

“Come on, after six months, what’s one little favour?” Esmus countered. 

Ryder narrowed her eyes at him. “I have been hand ferrying supplies for Mithrava for the past four months,” she said, “At least.”

Esmus laughed. “Get some sleep. Look for me tomorrow.”

* * *

Ryder had her bags packed. Kiba sitting next to her, glancing at the comings and goings placidly. Armud glanced at her. “Did you enjoy your time with us?” he asked. 

She smiled. It's not forced, not a mask put on for others. The smile was touched by a light that reflected in her eyes. Ryder’s brow knitted together in mock annoyance. 

“You were using me as a mule!”

“A mule?”

“An Earth pack animal usually used for carrying heavy goods in the past,” she explained as she brought up a picture for Armud. 

“Ahh I see,” Armud said as he grinned at her. “But you are faring so much better because of it, haven’t you?”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed, the cogs in her head working and turning. “You did it on purpose,” she stated flatly. “You fucking did it on purpose!”

The angara laughed at the realisation dawning on her face. “You asshole! Did you know how hard it was? My muscles were constantly sore!”

Armud snickered louder before eventually hiding his smirk behind his hand under Ryder’s glare. “But you’re stronger now right?”

Ryder rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

Esmus glided over in his all-encompassing calm. “Are you ready?” he asked, inclining his head towards Armud in greeting. 

“Yeah,” Ryder replied as she shouldered her daypack. 

She wasn’t sure what Esmus had in mind so she packed what amounted to a day trip to the park, some food, some water. Ryder was sure her biotics was more than enough to keep them out of trouble. If all else failed, they could always run right? Kiba watched as the pair made ready to leave. Her tail wagging in anticipation. The husky gave a loud bark. 

“All right, all right,” Ryder said giving Kiba a quick neck scratch. She turned to face Armud. “See you in a bit.”

* * *

“Are you fucking with me?” 

Ryder stared at the Remnant Abyss, suddenly regretting bringing Kiba along. The husky growled at the structure. _You got that right._ She stared at the First Sage. Esmus’ mouth widened in his usual serene smile. “I’m totally serious.”

“What could you possibly want there?” Ryder asked, “There is nothing in there but Remnant and more Remnant. And either one of us is armed.”

They had spent the better part of the day trekking through Havarl, dodging wildlife and the occasional Roekaar patrol to get here. Esmus had no trouble keeping up or following her lead. Kiba kept close to her, stepping only where she did. It wasn’t the first time Ryder wondered if Kiba was combat trained. As they neared, Ryder had a sinking feeling in her gut. The path was familiar. When the Remnant complex came into view, her fears were confirmed. 

“You do know I don’t have a Pathfinder implant right?” she reminded, shuddering at the memory the last time she activated a console without one. “I can’t activate anything.”

_Esmus doesn’t need to know that I can activate it._

The First Sage nodded. “You were here previously, so the complex is already open for us.”

Ryder nodded slowly, wondering where Esmus was going with this. “So…,” she said. “What are we doing here?”

“I want to pay respects to Zorai’s grave.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. “And I am here because?”

“I requested your help. An escort if you will.”

Ryder sighed, following Esmus towards the gravity well. True enough, it was active. “I hope I’d actually live to regret this,” she said as she looked at Esmus irritably. 

“Ladies first?” Esmus asked. 

“Of course, isn’t it always?” Ryder rolled her eyes. “Just let me clear the way first, just in case it’s not as empty I’ve left it the last time I came this way.”

Ryder walked down the ramp, Esmus and Kiba close behind. The door was opened. _Of all things Esmus could have wanted my help with, he wanted help to get into the Remnant Abyss._  

Ryder looked at the opened floor and the endless hole below. Her gaze swung over to Kiba, to the gravity well and back again. She huffed. Sinking down on one knee, Ryder put her hands over Kiba’s ears and smoothed them back, before scratching her ears. “You be good ok? Esmus will bring you down. I’ll just got to make sure everything is safe.”

Ryder glanced at Esmus self consciously. The First Sage was well attuned to Ryder’s non-verbal cues. He kept one hand covering his mouth, hiding the amused smile he had as he kept his eyes averted. Kiba kept her eyes on Ryder. She fought a shiver running down her spine. 

“All right,” Ryder said as she stood, patting Kiba one more time. 

Slowly, she gathered her biotics and held them at the ready. Her eyes accessing the open gravity well again. 

“Are you sure?” Ryder asked, hoping against hope Esmus would change his mind. 

“Yes.” Esmus nodded earnestly. 

_No such luck._

How was she supposed to say no to someone she had imposed upon for six whole months? Someone who had helped her, guided her. 

“Fine,” Ryder sighed. “If I fall to my death, it’s your fault. And Kiba, you can rip his throat out.”

The dog’s ears pricked up at the mention of her name. Ryder edged closer to the hole. Kiba whined. Ryder sighed, her heart somehow heavy with guilt at the sound. 

“Be good,” she reminded Kiba and stepped out. 

She prayed, she implored and finally all she could do was trust. Air whooshed past her hair as she fell. Her stomach clenched as a scream was born in her throat but before she could give voice to it, a plummet to an inevitable end slowed. Ryder swallowed the scream and breathed again. 

It was strange to be back here. Ryder figured she would never have anything to do with the vaults any more. _No SAM, no Remnant after all._

It seemed life never go quite as she expected, not since she woke up 600 light years away from home. Plans had a habit of breaking around her. Ryder shook her head. She had to concentrate if she’s going to get Esmus, Kiba and herself in and out alive. There’s no time for distraction. Pretty soon, her feet found solid ground once again. Esmus and Kiba arrived not long after. 

The dog snorted and sneezed, completely hating the experience but greeted her like she had not seen her in years. As Ryder laughed, wrapping her arms around the husky, Esmus remarked, “You didn’t fall to your death after all.” 

“Very funny,” she retorted, pushing Kiba off of her. “Come on, I remember we went this way.”

Ryder led them through the maze of passageways and corridors as best as she could. Without SAM, she could only rely on her memory. There were a few missteps and backtracking but eventually Ryder got them to the room where they found Zorai’s heirloom. 

“Are you all right?” Esmus asked, his eyes sharp and observing. 

Ryder pulled her prosthesis away from the back of her neck. Her eyes scanning the way they came. Kiba growled, sensing her tension. Her biotics vibrating under her skin as she stalked back the way they came. “Something doesn’t feel right,” she growled. 

The playfulness she had earlier long gone. Ryder felt eyes on her back. There was an itch between her shoulder blades like there was a sniper rifle training its sights on her. “Fuck,” she cursed, rubbing her scar again. “Esmus, do what you need to do. I’ll keep an eye out.”

Ryder scouted the way they came for a bit, Kiba following. The husky’s nose to the ground, sniffing at everything. There was nothing. No Remnant, no Roekaar, no wildlife. It was all quiet and a big fat nothing. Still, it didn’t stop that itch. She glanced back at the room and saw Esmus sitting down. 

_No. Fuck, no. Is he going to mediate? Here?_

Ryder huffed a bigger sigh. Her hands itched for a weapon of any kind. She counted the minutes, keeping an eye on the time on her omni-tool. Glancing at Esmus, his eyes were still blissfully closed even when the sense of danger was mounting for Ryder. Kiba’s ears twitched and pivoted as if listening to something.

A screech rang out, echoing through the Abyss. Ryder froze. _What the fuck was that?_ She had no weapons, not even an omni-blade. Her omni-tool implant wasn’t military grade. “Fuck. Kiba, back!”

The dog obeyed. She backed her way towards Esmus’ room. Her priority was his safety. His and Kiba’s. She had two choices. Sealed the door and wait it out or get both of them out while the way was still clear. And that’s a big fat if.

Another screech rang out again this time followed by gunfire. _What the fuck is going on?_

Ryder saw the first of the Observers and Assemblers approaching. “Should we leave?” Esmus asked from behind her, his voice a pitch higher than usual. 

She flinched, not realising how close he was. “No, I don’t have a weapon. There is no way I can fight through them and keep you safe.”

Ryder pushed Esmus back towards the room. “We’ll take our chances waiting for rescue. Kiba, stay with him.”

Kiba was pacing, her tongue constantly licking at her mouth. Ryder wished she could join Kiba pacing too, but she didn’t have that option. Her heartbeat quickened, but it was a tool, just like her anxiety and fear, and she’d used it. It fueled her hypervigilance. 

Ryder took a deep breath and said, “I’ll try to close the door.”

“How? You don’t have the SAM implant,” Esmus said, his voice catching the edges of panic. 

“I will figure it out,” Ryder growled. “Just get back into the room.”

The Observers were fast gaining on them. “Go!” she shouted. 

Kiba barked in response. That shook Esmus from his inaction. Ryder followed quickly. The strange mechanical chirps grew louder. _Shit, shit, shit._ Ryder risked a glance behind her. A couple of Observers were gaining on them. Esmus was too slow. She needed to buy time for him. “Damn,” she cursed under her breath. 

Ryder stopped. She only had the blade in her boots and that was it for weapons. Ryder Pulled. The blade smacked into her hand. In a single motion action, Ryder flicked the blade open. Behind her, she could hear Kiba barking. She trusted Kiba to keep out of the way and shifted into a ready stance. Her eyes resolute. With a roar to rival Drack’s she Charged. 

Ryder twisted at the last minute, slamming into the Observer shoulder. She grimaced, remembering she wasn’t wearing armour. 

“Ryder!” Esmus shouted. 

She couldn’t afford the distraction. “Get back in that fucking room!” she shouted. 

Her hand glowed blue as she sent a Shockwave towards the Observers. Some were flung back, others barely moved. But that was all she needed, time. The gunfire was drawing closer. _Allies? Enemies?_

“Esmus, fuck you and your stupid idea!” she shouted as she retreated. 

Ryder dragged Esmus by his collar into the room, Kiba flanking them. There was no console, how in the world did she think she was going to activate the door. Ryder remembered a touch deactivated the door the last time. How was she supposed to re-activate it now? She touched the sides of where the door used to be frantically. 

 _Where?_  

Esmus stared out at the on-coming horde, eyes wide with horror. Kiba was snarling, her ears flat against her head, her heckles all raised. 

 _Fucking hell the controls got to be somewhere._  

Ryder risked a glance. The Observers were still coming. 

 _Come on!_  

Nothing, there was nothing. No controls. Not even when Ryder was offering up her brain to catch fire again. 

 _Fucking hell, this is it? Death by stupidity?_  

Ryder couldn’t help the look of rage she shot Esmus. She Charged again, giving up on the door. Shoulder jarring against hard surfaces. Praying with every fibre of her being that the gunfire was friendly. She Pushed. A blue wave rippled outwards from her hand, slamming black Observers against the walls. Many detonating on impact. But there were more. Assemblers approaching like the inexorable tides. 

Ryder panted. It’s been months since she trained with her biotics let alone used it under combat situations. The amp was hot at the back of her neck. Her shoulder ached. If she survived, her shoulder was sure to be a giant bruise.

Her hands shook with fatigue as she readied a Nova. She couldn’t keep Charging. It was useless without a proper weapon. It was all black obsidian with blue lines as far as her eye could see. “Come on,” she muttered, willing her fingers to stop twitching. 

“Closer.”

Ryder unleashed the Nova. A blue force whipped out from around her, detonating the Assemblers around her. She turned her head as her arms shielded against the flying debris. Kiba snarled, loud and bloodthirsty. The sound struck fear in her chest. _What’s wrong?_

“Ryder!” Esmus’s voice cut through the ringing in her ears. 

Her head swung around and her eyes widened. One of the Observers had gotten past her. Kiba pressed her body in front of Esmus. There was nothing but Kiba between Esmus and the Observer. “Fuck!” 

There was no time for thought. She Charged. Before she could ram her body into it, drawing its attention to her, the Observer exploded. Ryder twisted around to see an angara with a sniper rifle standing up on a platform. They sketched a vague angara style salute. She was too stunned to make an appropriate response. 

Esmus came trotting up towards her, Kiba flanking him. “Thank the ancestors! They’re here.”

Ryder’s eyes blazed. “What the fuck is going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	68. Heskaarl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She turned to face Ryder and inclined her head. “Are you all right?” she asked. 
> 
> Ryder straightened and dropped her hands back down the side of her. “It’s fine.” Her answer ready on her lips. 
> 
> Levine smirked. Ryder frowned. “Evfra wasn’t wrong,” she laughed knowingly. 
> 
> Ryder’s eyes narrowed. _What the fuck is going on?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone’s comments. Currently I am working on what will be Cetus’ last chapter. Maybe I’ll be done in another week or so. Sigh, I am already feeling sad that Cetus is coming to an end. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

The fight was over as soon as the other angaras joined in. Ryder kept back, making sure none came close enough to attack Kiba or Esmus. Her right hand pressed against her sore shoulder as she watched the anagaras mopped up the rest of the Remnant quickly and efficiently, more so than any Roekaar or Resistance team she ever saw. 

Within minutes, the Remnant were all defeated. Ryder eyed the entire situation warily as Esmus greeted the sniper. “Levine,” he called out. “I’m glad you intervened when you did.”

“Esmus,” the female sniper returned the greeting after dropping back down to ground level. 

She turned to face Ryder and inclined her head. “Are you all right?” she asked. 

Ryder straightened and dropped her hands back down the side of her. “It’s fine.” Her answer ready on her lips. 

Levine smirked. Ryder frowned. “Evfra wasn’t wrong,” she laughed knowingly. 

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. _What the fuck is going on?_

Levine and Esmus shared a look between them. Ryder bit back a ready remark. Her eyes scanned the other angaras. All of them dressed in a variety of angara armour. Their stance loose and relax but deceptively so. Their eyes were constantly searching out for danger. One of them caught Ryder watching, and he struck a pose as he grinned. Before she could decide whether to react, he returned to the vigilant watch of their surrounding. It was a mode very familiar. Ryder had seen her father doing the exact same thing. The relaxed state to conserve energy but alert to move in an instant. 

All of them had an identical insignia on their armour. Some had it on their arm, others their chest. It was familiar but Ryder couldn’t quite place it. 

“Like what you see?” Levine asked. 

Ryder flicked her eyes over to Levine, she was obviously in charge. Her insignia was a black and gold, while the others were a white and silver. “Levine?” she said.

“That’s Chief Levine to you,” the sniper replied. “Well, that’s if you accept.”

“And what is it I’m accepting.”

“Your placement to train as a Heskaarl,” she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Come on, I’ll tell you more about it. Let’s get out here. I wasn’t expecting your evaluation to go this way.”

Ryder’s eyes narrowed. _Why do I feel I’m being manipulated?_

Esmus grabbed his pack and handed her hers. The First Sage was obviously in a hurry to get out. The other angaras fanned out scouting ahead and bringing up the rear. Ryder turned to look for Kiba. She found Kiba eyeing the others warily, keeping her distance. Glancing back at the others, they were already moving on without her. She had no intention to hang around. Slapping her hand against her thigh, Ryder followed the others. Kiba came running and flanked her. 

Eventually Ryder was guided to the centre. Kiba pressed close against her leg. She had already almost stumble trying to avoid stepping on Kiba’s feet. “Damn, Kiba,” she cursed. “It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”

Ryder could feel the amusement radiating from Esmus and Levine. She rolled her eyes and petted Kiba to assure the dog. Levine walked confidently, her rifle holstered at her back. “So where was I?” she asked. 

Before Ryder could open her mouth to answer, Levine went on, “Right, your acceptance for Heskaarl training.”

Ryder bit the inside of her cheek and waited. “Well, you see every trainee has to be endorsed by one of our own. There are no exceptions. Angaras can be recommended but they have to be evaluated by one of our own before we extend the invitation.”

“And I was recommended I assumed?” Her curiosity piqued. 

Levine nodded. They were nearing the exit. She watched as her squad took the gravity well up. “Yes, by the Moshae herself,” she confirmed.

The Chief smirked when she saw Ryder frowning. “Well technically, via Evfra and before him, Jaal.”

“Jaal…” Ryder repeated, her tone dangerously innocent. “I seemed to be very popular then, huh?”

Levine laughed. “Oh I know that tone, Jaal’s going to get it, huh? Anyway, you’re one popular girl," Levine said, levelling a pair of finger pistols at her. 

“Who taught you that?” Ryder couldn’t help exclaiming, Kiba growled a little in response.

“What? Did I get it wrong? If I got it wrong, I’ll kill Roaan!” Levine growled. 

“The bartender at Tavetaan taught you to do that?” Ryder spluttered incredulously through her laughter as she kept her hand on Kiba to calm the diog. 

“Ugh,” Levine groaned. “I knew something wasn’t right, ancestors!”

Tears welled up in Ryder’s eyes as she wiped it away. Laughter bubbled up again as she tried to calm down. Levine eyed Ryder and did the finger pistols again. That sent Ryder into another round of uncontrollable laughter. 

“Here I thought you’re all sharp edges and hard words,” Levine laughed. “If I knew this odd gesture is all it takes to make a human laugh, I’d use them more often.”

Levine gestured towards the gravity well and Ryder stepping into it with Kiba. She laughed her way up. By the time Ryder got solid ground under her feet again, she was in a much better mood. Taking a deep breath, she asked, “So what? The Remnant was some sort of test?”

The other angaras sniggered. Ryder cocked her head. Levine shook her head. “That was ahhh... a mistake. We were supposed to watch how you handled yourself in an unknown situation. Maybe a Rylkor or two, not the whole damned Remnant army,” her voice grew louder towards the end as she eyed one of her squad members. 

The others sniggered louder. “Fine, then so I passed?”

Levine nodded. Ryder whirled around to Esmus. “And you knew this?” her finger stabbing towards the First Sage. “And you didn’t think to tell me? And this is a good idea why?”

Esmus lifted his hands up in mock surrender. “I was merely doing a favour to Armud, to give you a chance to rest and recover.”

Ryder blinked. She did do that at Mithrava. Six months away, in an angara style Zen retreat ended with her feeling lighter. Her breaths came looser and freer than before. She didn’t have any expectations when she arrived on Havarl. The place that ripped her to shreds, the site of contention between her and Tann, was now also the place she regained some kind of normalcy. 

Ryder had figured Havarl was just to shunt her off to somewhere else. Nobody had time to babysit her. The Moshae’s claim of healing was all mumbo-jumbo. Well, Ryder was glad to eat humble pie. It helped. If nothing else came of this trip, Ryder was glad for the experience. 

Levine tapped at her omni-tool. “So what will it be? You’re actually the last of the trainees we are inducting this year.”

_What do I want? Training?_

“I’ve seen you fight. You are good at what you do,” Levine said, folding her arms across her chest. Her eyes did the up-down flick over Ryder. She couldn’t help but straightened and stood at attention. She was being apprised by a superior after all, a potential one at any rate. 

_Do I want this?_

“I’m not talking about your technical skills or those weird blue powers you have,” Levine went on. “I am talking about your willingness to defend, to protect even when you are barely armed and not armoured.”

“My biotics can do a lot.”

“True, I’ve seen some of it but it’s a losing battle.”

Ryder nodded, conceding the point. 

“You’re good at what you do. And you can be better at it.”

“If I join you.” Ryder completed Levine’s sentence. 

The Heskaarl shrugged. “If you complete the training, sure. Many wash out all the time. The Heskaarl’s training is not to be taken lightly. You will be inducted among the elite,” Levine said, turning to look at Ryder. 

_Can I really do this?_

Her yellow cat-like eyes meeting Ryder’s brown round ones. “You will be the first human Heskaarl ever.”

It had a ring to it, but Ryder wasn’t interested in titles. Her shoulders ached from the ones she had already acquired. “And it would be quite something for the Spear to be a Heskaarl too,” Ryder said, searching Levine’s eyes. 

“Sure, maybe. That’s the politician’s game. But I know a warrior when I see one. You’re nobody’s pawn when you have the Heskaarl at your back,” Levine pointed out. “You get to do things the right way - your way.”

Ryder blinked. 

_My path was paved with my mistakes. Mistakes that cost so much to learn._

Her eyes turned inwards and truly asked herself. Putting aside abilities, what exactly did she want? Was stepping into the fray what she wanted? The dark space still pulled at her heart. She missed being useful, knowing that her actions mattered. 

_Maybe, just maybe, I can make sure my mistakes will never be repeated. Never again._

Ryder scoffed at herself in her head. 

_Really? This is pure hubris. Can I even have Kiba with me? What military training let you have a pet along? Fuck, can I do this on my own, without Kiba?_

The thought brought fear rising up her chest. Ryder felt her breath quicken as her heart started its telltale gallop but her hands held steady. She forced herself to take deep breaths. Her focus narrowing down to the air she was taking in through her mouth, down her throat, expanding her chest and out again. Rinse and repeat. Bit by bit, Ryder felt herself back under control again.

Ryder flicked her eyes over and saw Kiba watching her. The dog now calm. gave her a couple of lazy wags of her tail. She sighed and looked up. Levine was watching. The angara nodded at her knowingly. 

“Do you accept, Ryder?”

* * *

Scott sighed. He missed his sister. This was worse than when she went off to boot camp without him. It was worse than the time she was stationed light years away. They exchanged mail every week or so then. Now, not so much. Scott understood Sara’s wish for privacy. The events of the past year and a half were too much for him to process let alone Sara. His protective instincts fought with his desire to respect Sara’s wishes. And look what leaving her alone did, she ended up pushing everyone away. Thank fuck that Dex and Wrench were keeping an eye out for her. What would have happened if it weren’t for them? Scott shuddered and pushed the thought out of his mind. 

His omni-tool beeped. It was a vid-comm request from Sara. 

* * *

When they first dropped her off at Aya, there were some sporadic messages from Sara. Mostly it was how things had changed around Aya. Sara almost never talked about her treatments. 

“What’s there to say, Scott?” He could feel the frustration behind her mail. “Nothing has changed. It hurts, and it still hurts. It’s all just a matter of degrees.”

Scott didn’t press. 

Lexi and Dr Paran conferred endlessly over Sara’s treatment while she was on Aya. She went through rounds and rounds of trial medication. It was only with their continued efforts that Sara had anything resembling a treatment for her pain. Scott was grateful for the lengths Lexi went for Sara. The asari doctor had always been looking out for Sara. 

Then, Scott got a message. “Hey, I’m heading to Havarl.”

He frowned as he tapped his reply. “Why?”

 _What could be possibly on Havarl for Sara? Some new treatment that’s available there?_  

A beep pulled his attention back to his omni-tool. “Some sort of Zen retreat with the Sages at Mithrava,” came the reply.

“Hey Cora,” Scott called as he spun around in his chair to face her. 

“What’s up?” Cora was watering her plants. “Is it Sara?”

“Yeah, she’s heading to Havarl. Something about Sages and Mithrava.”

Cora frowned. “Well, it’s this giant tower in the middle of the jungle where well…”

“Sara’s not going to like this Zen retreat at all, is she?” Scott asked. 

Cora laughed. “Sitting still isn’t what Sara does best right?” 

* * *

It was months of flying around, putting out fires the power shift had caused since the news broke. Things settled into some sort of routine. Cora was more or less resigned to keep working as Pathfinder though she would hand it back to Sara in a heartbeat as soon as Sara asked for it, the Leadership be damned. They still had Sara’s original Pathfinder implant after all. Scott was sure Harry would be more than happy to help if it came down to it. SAM would be happy to have Sara back too.

The debate and flame wars between conspiracy theorists about Tann’s departure and Sara’s pardon had gone from mainstream news to the domain of the extranet. Not everyone believed Cora’s and the crew’s version of events. Ryder was still the Bloody Blade for the vocal few. It irked Scott to no end. There were people still speaking ill of his baby sister. Despite everything said and done, Scott realised the truth never truly won.  

Cora was trying to line up a trip to Aya so they’d get to see Sara since she was due to be back there. Six months was a long time to go without seeing her dorky face. T’vera unknowingly thwarted their plans. 

“The buoys the Nexus science teams had you placed out at the edges of the scourge last year are picking up disturbing readings. They have deemed it urgent enough to send one of their own with you,” T’vera said.

Scott watched as Cora took a deep breath and nodded. Her shoulders bowed a little more at the new emergency. T’vera’s face winked out. “How does Sara do it?” she groaned.   

En route to the ass end of Andromeda meant tons of time to think. Scott played with the tiny velvet box in his hand. His finger pressed the button at the bottom of the box. The lid flipped open. Inside, a simple silver band made of a precious angara metal, shaped like overlapping waves. His hand shook a little as he pulled it from the satin-like bed. 

“Shit!” 

His fingers slipped. The silver band glinted against the artificial light inside the Tempest as it tumbled towards the floor. Scott twisted and caught it before it hit the floor. He collapsed on the chair, heart racing. Gripping it tightly between two fingers, he lifted it to look at the inscription inside. 

“My forever, my always."

He huffed. It was cheesy, but it was heartfelt. Then his omni-tool beeped. He stared at the blinking vid-comm request. 

“Hey Sara,” he greeted as he accepted the call after making sure the ring was tucked back safely in the box. 

“Hey Scott, I’m not heading back to Aya. I’m on my way over to Voeld.”

Scott frowned. His eyes was studying in the view behind her. It was enclosed and confined. Some angaras were walking in the background and there was a constant rumble in the background. “Why are you going to Voeld? Is this some tour of all the angara planets?”

Sara laughed. His shoulders relaxed at the sound. It hit him how much he missed it. _It’s been too long._ She lifted her head and looked at him after getting it under control. Scott could tell she’s changed. Maybe it was just having the time to heal, maybe it be the treatment at Aya, maybe the Sages at Havarl, maybe all of it all made a difference. The weight across her shoulders wasn’t gone by any means, but it sat better now. The dark cast over her eyes lighter. Scott returned the smile. 

“Now that you mentioned it,” she said. “Yeah.”

“You’re heading there for more Zen treatment?”

“Not really,” Sara replied. 

Scott nodded and bent forward to get a better look of the background. “Sara, are those Resistance fighters behind you?”

She turned around, and it gave him a better view of the background. It was clearly a military vessel. “Ryder, are you done? The squad wants to meet you properly. The inside of a Remnant Abyss is no place for a proper introduction, Spear,” a female voice spoke from off-camera.

Sara groaned. “Just give me a minute,” she said as she turned back to him. 

“What were you doing inside a Remnant Abyss?” Scott asked, his eyes narrowing. 

“I just unknowingly auditioned for the Heskaarl. And they decided to endorse me for Heskaarl training,” she said, her eyes darting about, not quite meeting his. “Well, at least I can take on the training, who knows maybe I’ll wash out.”

_Training? Is she in any condition to do it?_

“Heskaarl’s the equivalent to the Alliance’s N7 right?” he asked. 

Sara nodded, raising her prosthesis to rub her head. He huffed a breath. Of all people questioning her ability to do things, he shouldn’t be one of them. Since childhood, Sara had always worked harder and trained smarter. Despite setbacks, obstacles and resistance, she smashed through them all. Hell, Sara conquered the Archon and foiled Perseus’ plans, she would be able to do this, no problem.

Sara dropped her prosthesis awkwardly when she realised he was staring at it. 

“You’ll do great.”

Sara blinked. For a while, neither spoke. A grin split her lips, the tentative edges of confidence reached her eyes as she nodded. “Yeah, maybe I'll be.”

Then she looked down, her hand reaching down under the desk she was sitting at. “You want to see Scott too?” she asked. 

Scott frowned. _Who is she speaking to?_

“Come on.” Sara still had her eyes down while her prothesis banged against the desk as she slapped her palm against it. Then a flash of white surged up from below. It was Kiba. Her tongue hanging out, in a lop-sided smile. 

“Hey Kiba,” he greeted, waving a little at the screen even if he felt a little stupid for doing it. 

The dog cocked her head at him. Sara turned back to face the screen, a smile plastered across her face. “Anyway, I’ll have to go radio silence. It’s boot camp all over again. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck but when will you be back?”

“They are telling me 20 weeks give or take a little if I don’t wash out. This is the first time they are accepting human trainees. Maybe it would pave the way for the APEX teams to train with the Heskaarl?”

Scott nodded. Amazed that she was already thinking about how this would open doors for the Nexus. _Once a Pathfinder, always a Pathfinder._

He pulled the box out again. "Sara, I-"

“Ryder, are you done?” a voice asked off-screen. 

Sara frowned at the person. “I’m talking to my brother. I’ve not talked to him in six months!” she chided. “Can’t you just give me a minute?”

“What is it?” she asked turning her attention back to him. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, reading him as easily as a book. “It’s not nothing. I can tell. Spit it out,” she growled. 

It didn’t have the bite it used to have. Her claws were sheathed now. Scott pulled the box into view. Her eyes widened instantly. “Is that what I think it is?”

Scott shrugged. “What do you think it is?”

Sara snorted. “You know if I could, I’d hit you right now.”

“I know.” Scott laughed as he opened the lid. 

Sara gasped. “It’s beautiful. When are you going to ask her?”

It was Scott’s turn to look away. “I don’t know but soon.”

“Don’t fuck this up, Scott. It’s the most important mission you have,” she said, her eyes shining with pride and joy. 

Scott spun as the door slid open. He scrambled and quickly push the box behind a pile of datapads. 

“I won’t,” he assured with a grin on his face. “Got to go, it’s Cora.”

Sara nodded. “Don’t have the wedding without me!”

The screen went black. 

* * *

Ryder shouldered her pack. The Heskaarl weren’t playing around. She was given four set of leathers, two light ones for regular wear, and two heavy sets for training since she arrived with nothing good enough for Voeld’s weather. She shivered as a blast of cold air tore through the barracks. Even Kiba was finding the weather not to her liking. 

“Fuck,” she cursed. “Didn’t I activate the vault here? Why is it still so cold?”

Kiba’s only answer was to curl into a ball on the cot she had claimed. “Nice, Kiba,” she said, seeing how much space Kiba had taken up. 

Upon arrival, Levine deposited her with the quartermaster to see her situated. And since the other trainees weren’t due to arrive until the next day, Ryder was a loose end Levine didn’t need. “The real work starts tomorrow,” Levine said. “It will be hard but it will be worth it.”

Ryder snorted. “Is that your idea of a pep talk, Levine?”

Levine frowned. “That’ll be Chief Levine to you tomorrow.”

“Yes, yes,” Ryder drawled lazily as she threw her new clothes onto a cot and claimed it. Her hands made hasty work of the packaging around her brand new leathers. Ryder shrugged out of her thin shirts and pants and pulled the leathers on. “You’re training us?”

“That will be Andraknor’s job. My job is to evaluate you.”

Ryder blanched. “You’re the Chief. And there’s only one Chief I assume.”

Levine smirked. “Fuck, this is either very good for me, or very bad.”

The angara shrugged and turned to leave. She paused at the threshold. Ryder stared as she slowly pulled her arms up to chest level. Her fingers formed pistols and levelled at Ryder. “You decide,” Levine said. 

Ryder buried her face in her palms. _I can’t laugh at the Chief now, can I?_  

It was her last night of freedom before plunging into the crucible that’s Heskaarl training. The quartermaster took pity on her and gave her a rudimentary rundown of the Heskaarl training. 

There were five levels of Heskaarl training. Level one was six weeks of hell. It was all about conditioning the body, making sure every recruit was able to keep up with the training. In addition to that, it was also developing the body for extreme conditions. Level two, five weeks of hand to hand combat and techniques. Level three, five weeks of weapons proficiency and marksmanship training. Where all the skills honed before were physical and  muscle memory, Level four saw the honing of the most important weapons of all, every recruit’s mind. It would be four weeks of field exercises. Finally, Level five took anywhere between a single day and a week. It was a real mission, sometimes against the kett, sometimes against Roekaar.

It was an honour to even be considered for training. To be a full Heskaarl like the squad she arrived with would mean fulfilling the full 20 weeks of training. The quartermaster showed her the two different colours of Heskaarl insignias. Levine’s black and gold one was only meant for the Chief, she commanded the 50 members strong platoon of Heskaarl. White and silver meant the bearer had completed all five levels of Heskaarl training and was a full-fledged member of the Heskaarl. If she was going to do this, she intended to finish it. 

That night, she hugged Kiba as she steeled herself for what was to come. Arranging a pick up for Kiba was the hardest thing she had done in a while. 

Ryder waited for her vid request to be accepted. Her hand rest on Kiba’s back, her fingers raking through her fur. Pretty soon, Dex’s face popped up on her omni-tool. 

“Ryder?” Dex said. “Is that you?”

She smiled and nodded. Her stomach was tying itself into knots. “Hey, how are you?” she asked. 

Dex’s mandibles tightened over his face. “What do you want?” he asked. 

Ryder chuckled. _Ahh the little boy has grown._

“I need a favour,” she confessed. “I need you to come to Voeld and pick Kiba up, bring her back to Kadara.”

“Why?” he asked, dragging the word out. 

“I’m going to be training to be a Heskaarl.”

Dex cocked his head for a bit at the strange word. Ryder had to explain it. Eventually his mandibles flared in a grin. “You’re back,” he said. “I knew you will be back. Nothing can keep you down.”

Ryder smiled. The confidence Dex had bolstered her. She looked down at Kiba, the dog stared back at her. The trust she found in Kiba, the faith Dex had was humbling.  

With a little discussion, Ryder got transport arranged for Dex to come pick Kiba up and bring her back to Kadara. Her chest clenched, her stomach churned but Ryder was determined to see this through.

She was nothing if not stubborn. This was her crucible. Ryder needed to know if she could do it, alone. The nights spent staring at the stars at Mithrava reminded her how much she missed it. 

* * *

Ryder stretched out on her cot, trying to get comfortable to get some sleep. Kiba squirmed and rested her head against Ryder’s chest. 

“It wasn’t all bad,” she whispered, her breath made Kiba’s ear flicked a couple of them. Her prosthesis ruffling through Kiba’s fur, music playing from her omni-tool. 

_'Cause it's not too late, it's not too late  
I, I see the hope in your heart_

Ryder was realistic enough. Failure was a very real possibility. “But don’t try, don’t know, right?”

 _And sometimes you lose it, sometimes you're shooting_  
Broken arrows in the dark  
But I, I see the hope in your heart

Kiba pushed her snout against her face. She laughed and obliged with a belly rub. The white dog rolled onto her back, four paws raised into the air. 

Ryder knew she didn’t feel ready. She’d probably never feel ready. Aresa and Esmus had taught her so much, helped her so much. It was something Ryder had to find out for sure, eventually. 

If she could survive Heskaarl training, then maybe… maybe rejoining the crew wasn’t a dream. 

“Maybe,” she whispered into Kiba’s fur, one of the husky’s leg clawed at the air.

**Lyrics Taken from[Broken Arrows by Avicci](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip4Q1pbrYDg)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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> This author replies to comments.


	69. Boot Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her ribs expanded as she took a breath. The cold stung her nostrils and burnt her lungs. _Voeld, of all places._ Her back tensed as a chill ran down her spine. Stray strands of hair, not caught in her ponytail, danced in the mild wind. The tip of her nose rapidly grew numb but everywhere else was protected by the leathers the quartermaster provided. Surprisingly, the fit was good, and it worked well for human physiology. 
> 
> Her eyes were focused on Andraknor, their commanding officer for the next 20 weeks. Ryder had effectively enlisted to the Angara Resistance. Andraknor’s black and turquoise’s leathers was stark against the white snow as he paced the ranks. Ryder bit back a sigh as she forced herself to keep still. It’s been a long time since she was in boot camp. Ten years to be exact. Even at a boot camp a galaxy away, some things were the same. 
> 
> “I'm sure you are all well aware of the odd presence here,” Andraknor said, two other trainers flanking him. 
> 
> His voice gruff and low but it carried. The itch between her shoulder blades intensified. _Yes, address the elephant in the room why don’t you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ### Tumblr Pages
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone’s comments. Just to let you all know, I’ve finished writing Cetus. It’s all written and edited. I’ll do another round of editing before I post it every Saturday (GMT+8). The countdown has begun to the end! 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Ryder's eyes darted to her left, then her right. She was standing in a formation five rows deep and ten columns wide among 49 other angaras. Being the only human in the camp, so soon after being looked at as enemy number one, was a little unnerving. For a spilt second, she wished she hadn't sent Kiba away. 

_No, I’ve barely started. This isn’t where I spin out of control._

Battle memories of a time when she was flanked and escorted by Resistance fighters, walking to face Evfra, threatened to overwhelm her. Ryder forced herself to breathe normally. 

_You’re not back there. You’re on Voeld. Feel the stinging cold, hear the howling winds, that cramp running up your back from standing still for too long._

She blinked and blinked hard. The flashback faded and nobody was any wiser. A small surge of pride grew in her chest. Maybe this wasn't impossible after all. She would, Ryder promised herself. 

As soon as her mind stopped fucking with her, she could feel eyes on her back even if no recruit glance her way. The space between her shoulder blades itched. Everyone stood stock still, at attention. They waited. 

_Calm._

Ryder fought back a shudder, resisting the urge to look at Jaal. Her sensitivity to bio-electricity heightened after her time on Mithrava. His familiar signature seeped through her leathers, leaving her skin tingly. Ryder took comfort in his proximity. 

Her ribs expanded as she took a breath. The cold stung her nostrils and burnt her lungs. _Voeld, of all places._ Her back tensed as a chill ran down her spine. Stray strands of hair, not caught in her ponytail, danced in the mild wind. The tip of her nose rapidly grew numb but everywhere else was protected by the leathers the quartermaster provided. Surprisingly, the fit was good, and it worked well for human physiology. 

Her eyes were focused on Andraknor, their commanding officer for the next 20 weeks. Ryder had effectively enlisted to the Angara Resistance. Andraknor’s black and turquoise’s leathers was stark against the white snow as he paced the ranks. Ryder bit back a sigh as she forced herself to keep still. It’s been a long time since she was in boot camp. Ten years to be exact. Even at a boot camp a galaxy away, some things were the same. 

“I'm sure you are all well aware of the odd presence here,” Andraknor said, two other trainers flanking him. 

His voice gruff and low but it carried. The itch between her shoulder blades intensified. _Yes, address the elephant in the room why don’t you?_

“You’re all here invited to submit yourself to the crucible that’s Heskaarl training. And we only invite the best of the best,” he went on. 

The wind whipped through the space in the void of his words. Ryder suppressed a shiver.

Her attention turned to the two other trainers to distract herself from the itch. Avfae was lean and tall. Her dusty pink colouring was unique. Ryder would even call her pretty if her emerald eyes weren't aimed directly at her. Nad, on the other hand, was shorter and compact, he had the more common blue colouring. His weight was rested on one leg, his shoulders slumped, almost bored by the proceedings. But Ryder saw the way his eyes scanned the assembled recruits, it was all just for show. _What on earth is Andraknor playing at?_

“Look around you,” Andraknor urged. 

Nobody moved. “Look!” he barked. 

Ryder wanted to roll her eyes. There was no need for such tactics. These 50, well 49 angaras and 1 human, were all veterans of one sort or another. Ryder figured they were all distinguished soldiers one and all. Still, everyone obeyed. Unsurprisingly, all eyes turned to her. Ryder met their eyes, one by one. 

Some scarred, others fresh-faced. Some nodded in greeting at her, others watched curiously, a rare few radiated an anger so strong she could almost hear their bio-electricity crackling. 

Jaal shifted his weight, probably feeling what she did more intensely. He took a step out of his position, making to stand between her and the projected rage. Ryder grabbed his arm to stop him. She couldn’t, wouldn’t rely on another’s protection here. Heskaarl was where she would prove herself, prove herself to herself, that she could still defend herself, and stand on her own. 

Ryder turned and shook her head at Jaal. He growled a little but returned to his position. She would still be herself, prosthesis, battle illness and all. This was different, unlike Aya, here she had Jaal, He would always have her back. 

“Had enough?” Andraknor asked. 

Subtle waves of murmuring discontent rippled through even as his yellow eyes raked across the ranks. Ryder was content to let it go, after all, nobody dared speak up. 

“Remember, everyone here is the best of the best in the Resistance,” he said. “… and beyond.”

The rumble of dissent grew louder as a spark of bio-electricity snapped. Jaal answered with a growl deep in his chest. Ryder sighed. 

“All of you were expressly invited. Nobody is here by mistake. I’m sure some of you are wondering why is Sara Ryder here,” Andraknor said. “She was invited by Chief Levine herself. She has earned her place more than any one of you here.”

Silence greeting his proclamation. Was it awe? Was it stunned silence? Was it mute horror? Ryder could only guess. The itch between her shoulder blades never eased.  

She fought the urge to roll her shoulders to ease the tension screaming through her muscles. Andraknor’s cat-like eyes turned to look at her. They ran over her body, going from her head to her feet and back up again. Eventually, stopping at her prothesis. Ryder’s heckles rose, her jaw twitched as her eyes hardened. She found judgement in those yellow eyes. They danced, challenging her to prove her worth - the sole human among the angaras. Ryder squared her shoulders and jutted her chin out. It was nothing she hadn’t faced and triumphed before. Andraknor was a pale comparison to her father.

Andraknor went on. “You are 50 strong now but not everyone will walk out of here a Heskaarl. Not everyone is cut out to be one. To be a Heskaarl means you are the best among the best, the elite of the elites. You are a leader among your peers and when you say follow, they do. Many of you are squad leaders, leading squads large and small. The Heskaarl is a fellowship that protects the interests of the Angara Nations. You're expected to work as a team and individually. Here is where you will be reborn as Heskaarl.”

* * *

Five levels, twenty weeks, fifty recruits. 

It didn’t sound long to Ryder. _What’s twenty months, five months thereabout? I’ve done nine on Kadara._ It felt completely do-able, even without Kiba. Despite her time with the Sages at Mithrava, getting back in shape, Ryder was completely unprepared for the training Heskaarl expected out of her. It was a while since she was an Alliance soldier. Though being on the Pathfinder team was tough, and she tried to keep herself in peak condition that all went out the window after Kadara. Ryder knew she should count herself lucky to be as functional as she was. What’s a little pill-popping if she could walk, run, jump? Biotics checked out, prosthesis or no. Barring the occasional panic attack, nightmare or flashback, she was as good as new. Right?

Boot camp was everything she remembered it to be. Much screaming, much running about, much doing things repeatedly. The first level was all about conditioning. Ryder couldn’t wait for the first level to be done. 

Every day started with an unearthly wake up call, followed by a quick headcount. Why they bothered Ryder had no idea. Nobody sneaked away in the middle of the night. It wasn’t the angara way after all. Was it for her benefit then? Nobody could answer her since nobody had gone through Heskaarl training before. Their trainers weren’t inclined to tell her either.

Andraknor was always here for next bit. “There is no shame to step down now,” he said as he paced their barracks. “It’s better to step down while you still can, rather than get weeded out. Knowing the limits of one’s strengths is the greater virtue.”

His offer remained the same every morning. Nobody took him up on his offer. Every one was trying to stand at attention despite the lack of sleep. Then, breakfast. Thankfully, Ryder could eat angara food without problems. No levo/dextro barrier to contend with. But mealtimes was fast turning into a battlefield. Angaras were taller and bigger in general, they had the stride length she didn’t have. By the time she got to the mess hall, most of the food was gone. But that only started a couple of days into training. Ryder knew the score. 

_Are we kids here?_ Her eyes flashed towards the empty trays. Ryder rolled her eyes as Torshen and Dagar walked by with their trays loaded with more food than they could eat. These two were the bane of her existence. Their displeasure at finding the Bloody Blade among them and training to be a Heskaarl was a stick stuck in their caw. They made their displeasure known from day one. Ryder knew the angaras were open with their feelings. She was surprised neither of them had challenged her for a duel yet just so this could be put to rest once and for all. 

Her jaw tightened and grabbed a handful of ration bars that nobody was interested in. “I had subsisted on ration bars on Kadara, I can do it again,” she growled under her breath. 

Then she felt a presence behind her, she whirled around ready to put up a fight. Jaal looked at her, eyes wide. “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Jaal shook his head. “Torshen and Dagar again?” he asked. 

Ryder shrugged. “I’ll survive. I’ve got ration bars, that’s all I really need.”

“Come on, we can share.” he growled, keeping his eye on the pair. “You should report them. 

“Really?” Ryder asked wryly as they made their way to the only empty seats. “This is a boot camp, I don’t think the trainers will take it too kindly if we can’t be a fellowship.”

Jaal narrowed his eyes at her. Ryder patted his arm. “It’s ok, big guy, it’s not like they stole my medication,” she whispered. 

That thought sent chills down her spine. They sat down opposite a teal-skinned angara. She nodded a quick greeting at both of them as they slid into the bench. “Avana Falehe,” she said by way of introduction. 

“Ama Darav,” Jaal said. 

“Ryder,” she said. 

Falehe laughed. “You don’t need an introduction, Ryder,” she said. “It’s an honour to have you training with us. And Jaal I know you, there’s no need to be so formal.”

She raised an eyebrow at Falehe, surprised at the warm welcome. “There are quite a few of us who used to work with Evfra at the headquarters, we have seen you around. Plus, we know how to interact with the other Milky Way species. The others not so much, so forgive them.”

Ryder nodded as she pushed the ration bar into her mouth. Her teeth chomped down on the bar and she yanked the bar out. The piece was sticky and cardboard tasting. It wasn’t the best Ryder had ever eaten but at least it wasn’t expired shit. “Falehe is an excellent infiltrator,” Jaal said. “I’ve worked with her many times on missions.”

Falehe snorted, waving a hand to brush the praises off. “Let me introduce you to the others.”

She gestured with her finger at the other three seated on the same bench. “That blue skin one is Nafav, he favours the shotgun. Tavfa is the one next to Nafav. He loves the omni-blade and pistols. And finally Sik, she is our sniper.”

Ryder nodded at each of them in turn. All of them busy shoving food into their mouths and chewing. “Hey, do you mind?” Falehe asked. 

Ryder knew what was coming. She was used to it by now. It was no different on Aya or Mithrava why should it be any different here? All of them needed to see it. It’s easier to get it out of the way. Ryder shifted the ration bar to her right hand. Placing her prosthesis flat on the table for the ease of inspection by the tiny crowd of angaras. The oohs and ahhs commenced as Falehe and the others crowded around her arm. “May I?” she asked as the previously busy eating angaras pushed their way nearer. 

Ryder nodded. Jaal shot her an amused look as he watched her tolerate the poking and prodding of curious fingers and hands. "It’s really a work of art," Falehe exclaimed as she ran her hand over her prosthesis. "Do you think I can take it apart sometime? The technology underlying it all must be impressive."

"Let's not go there," she laughed as haptic feedback sent pressure danced over her stump. "I still need this in one piece."

Falehe blanched. "Oh no, I don't mean I would..."

Ryder waved her explanation away. "I was just pulling your leg. If you want, I can send you the specs breakdown."

"Yes!" Falehe nodded excitedly. 

"Can I have a copy too?" Tavfa asked. 

"And me!" Sik piped up. 

Ryder laughed and turned towards Jaal. "It seems tinkering is in the angara blood," she commented. Ryder was surprised to find Jaal's half eaten meal sliding towards her. 

“Eat it.” Ryder shook her head. “You need to keep your strength up too. 

“What about you?” Jaal asked, his eyes finding Torshen and Dagar. 

Ryder followed his gaze and found the male and female pair glaring in her direction. “I have ration bars. I won’t starve.”

* * *

After that was an hour of free time before PT hell started. Ryder usually spend her hour training her biotics. No angara had biotics, and it was up to her to keep hers honed. Sometimes Falehe or one of the others would come and watch, other times it’s Andraknor himself. But most of the time, it was just Jaal. She went through her exercises as he mediated. It’s a quiet hour shared in relative peace. She with her music in her ear and he with this howling Voeld winds - companions for the training ahead. 

Holding the layered Shield firm she stepped onto it as sweat poured from her forehead and dripped off her chin despite the weather. Thankfully the area where she trained was sheltered from the worse of the winds. Jaal sat with his eyes closed. Ryder could see him in her peripheral vision. He looked at ease in the frigid weather, she was jealous. With his eyes closed, he spoke. “Shouldn’t you be concentrating?”

Ryder wobbled as her concentration broke. The Shield dissolved under her feet. She landed with her knees bent to absorb the impact. She snorted as she dusted the snow off her leathers. “You weren’t concentrating either,” she pointed out. 

“I can hear you looking at me,” Jaal replied easily as he opened his eyes. 

Ryder’s breath caught in her throat. His eyes clear, earnest and still waiting. Her jaw twitched. She did promised him, didn’t she? Lifting her eyes to meet his, she grinned. Before fulfilling her promise, she needed to work on herself, get herself whole again. The barbed pearl she carried was still a weight. It didn’t drag at her soul like it used to but Ryder felt she had to let it go first. “Come on,” Ryder said, waving an arm at him. “We’ve got PT next.”

And that was Ryder’s nightmare. 

Despite a willing heart, there was a drop out every couple of days. An angara slumped to the ground physically unable to continue. That meant an immediate expulsion from the training. The first week saw soldiers dropping like flies around her. Recruits pushing themselves to the edge, some baulked, others give it their all and failed. Ryder couldn’t barely keep herself upright, let alone help anyone else. It was clear the elites of the elites had a higher standard than Ryder initially expected. Circuit training left her breathless, sometimes puking her guts out from the exertion. It horrified the angaras since it wasn’t natural for them to throw up. Avfae and Nad always screaming for better, faster, more. The obstacle course made for angara height and reach meant she had to work doubly hard to do what was natural for the angaras. 

“No biotics.” Andraknor had told her on the first day. 

Ryder didn’t expect anything less. After all, she had already acquired her very own set of critics in the form of Torshen and Dagar. She shrugged and replied with a firm, “Yes, sir.”

They were almost at the end of almost six weeks of madness. Ryder was amazed at what her body could withstand. It was a hellish physical conditioning regime, and she managed to keep up. Her prosthesis never let her down, the pain never returned as long as she took her medication religiously, the sheer exhaustion she made sure she was too tired to dream. The entire experience was strangely therapeutic. There was no crisis knocking on her door. There was no fire to put out. There was no politics she needed to handle. It was just her and the task. The muscle tone she lost and regained was slowly but surely hardening to battle readiness.

By the time, the final 48 hour forced march, the final test for level one, came around, the original 50 recruits were whittled down to just 30.  

* * *

Trudging through the snow with the standard issue angara rifle, pistol and all her ammo and food supplies on a 48 hours forced march in the howling winds of Voeld all her gratitude for being as well as she was, rapidly turned to ice. 

Humans were just not made for Voeld. Earth were cold in parts but never this cold. Her fellow recruits were beaten down by the weather but it didn’t actively tried to kill them. Ryder had to maintain a constant low level shield around herself to keep from going hypothermic. At least she didn’t have to worry about getting frostbite on her left arm. It’s all her other bits she had to keep an eye on. 

“You’d think after activating the vault the weather would have improve significantly,” she grumbled under her breath as she dragged her hand over her visor to see where she was going. 

Falehe snorted at her comment. The angara was walking straighter than Ryder could manage in the wind. “They found the ass end of Voeld to take us for a walk in,” she said. “I’m sure we have many more inviting places of Voeld to see before this is over.” 

Ryder grinned. Most of the other recruits were civil if not friendly towards her. Jaal helped smoothed the way with most of them since it seemed there was nobody he didn’t know. And when that failed, adversity never failed to make comrades of everyone. Well, except Torshen and Dagar.

Falehe said, “Four.”

“What are you talking about?” Ryder asked, realising Jaal checking in on her again. 

“That’s the fourth time he checked on you,” Falehe said as she tapped her omni-tool, “this hour.”

Ryder grunted. “I’ve noticed. He couldn’t quite get it in his mind that I am not a fragile flower. We are recruits here. If he has time to look out for me, he had better look to better his performance.”

“Maybe he wants to look after you,” Falehe said, though her voice light and teasing, Ryder noticed a tightening of Falehe's brow. “He clearly cares for you. The Resistance fighter and the Pathfinder. There wasn’t a child and adult on Aya that hadn’t heard the rumours after you defeated the Archon.”

Ryder shrugged. It seemed gossip was another universal thing across species and galaxies. She glared half-heartedly at Jaal, knowing she wouldn’t be able to get him to stop. Jaal stumbled. 

She snorted. “You got to look where you are walking.”

Ryder glanced at her omni-tool, the glowing point on the map was edging ever closing. It’s their finishing line. Across that lay everyone’s salvation. They would all be graduating from this hell to a whole new one. She took a sideway step so she could try to see if the daar they were heading towards was within view. All she saw was the double column line of angaras trudging through the snow ahead of them. There were already a few holes in the line. More of them failed. To come so close and to fail felt completely unacceptable. 

As the thought ran through her head, something caught her ankle and she fell heavily. Thankfully, the snow was good as a cushion, still the breath was knocked out of her lungs. Ryder gasped as she twisted around, hands on her rifle ready to bring it to bear. 

Falehe offered her a hand. Ryder took it, the angara hauled her upright though she staggered a little from the effort. Ryder felt something was off about Falehe and Jaal. When did they got so clumsy and weak? Shaking the concern out of her head, she looked at the angara who tripped her. 

“Hey, are you all right,” Ryder asked, approaching the angara who was on his knees. 

Ryder recognised him. He was one of the curious ones, requesting to see her prosthesis once and had on occasion watched her practise biotics from afar. He kept to the other angaras most of the time, avoiding contact with the solo human. Ryder wasn’t one to force her presence on others if it wasn’t invited. Ryder barely had a chance to interact with him. Falehe scrambled to his side. “Gavis, you ok?” she asked. 

_It seemed everyone know everyone else here._

Ryder glanced around making sure neither Nad nor Avfae were looking. It'd the end of the line for Gavis if they were. “No, you are getting up on your feet,” Ryder said as she hooked her hand into the loops around Gavis’ heavy leathers. “Come on, we’ve got to get him on his feet.”

Jaal turned and made to help. Ryder shook her head, pointing at the trainers ahead. He nodded. instantly reading her mind. Shifting his bulk to block them from view, Ryder got one of Gavis’ arm over her neck while the other around his waist. With a grunt, she dragged him to his feet. That’s when being significantly shorter than the others posed another problem. She wasn’t able to get him completely on his feet. There was no help for it. Gritting her teeth, she Pulled at Gavis gently, propping him up right. 

“Get his stuff,” she growled through the effort. 

Falehe pulled his pack off his shoulders, stumbling a little. Ryder frowned at her marching partner. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

Falehe waved her concerns away with a hand. Ryder opened her mouth to press but Gavis groaned as he fought against Ryder’s biotics feebly. “Leave me, I’ve failed.” 

“Shut up and just keep walking,” Ryder insisted. “You’re not failing this close to the end.”

“Listen to Ryder,” Falehe said. “This is teamwork.”

Gavis grumbled but stopped fighting. His normally deep blue skin was ashen, almost grey. Ryder didn’t know what to make of this change but obviously something was wrong. She hitched him up higher and they started this odd three legged walk. 

Hours later, Ryder was feeling the strain. Maintaining her low level shield was tiring enough, adding Gavis to the mix just sapped her energy that much faster. Without the heat of battle or looming dire consequences it was hard to keep the effort up. The threat of failing was just barely enough to make Ryder suck it up and re-doubled her efforts.

_You’d think after holding up a pre-fab, an angara would be easy._

Despite being carried, Gavis wasn’t recovering instead he got more listless, slurring when spoken to. 

“Why is he all grey?” she asked, alarm creeping into her voice. “He is like all colourless!”

Her breath condensed in the cold air of Voeld like she was a steam train chugging along the tracks. There was no answer from Falehe, there was just the crunch of boots against snow, podding and methodical. 

“Falehe?” Ryder called as she craned her neck around Gavis’ bulk. Her limbs trembling as she worked to move both of them towards the finish line.

Falehe shuffled closer. “Dager is looking at us,” she hissed under her breath. 

Ryder couldn’t summon the energy to twist around to look. The question she had before, forgotten. What would be, would be. As far as Ryder was concerned the no biotics rule only applied to the obstacle course and not to everything else. It was stupid to preach teamwork and allow her fellow recruits to fall.

Step by step, the daar grew in the horizon. Gavis was trembling from the cold. That was completely odd for an angara, they weathered the cold well. Worry was mounting in her chest. Ryder twisted to see Falehe and Jaal looking ashen as well. They weren’t as bad as Gavis but her concern was ticking right into fear. 

“You ok?” she asked them. 

Jaal grunted and nodded without turning to look at her. Ryder glanced around. Most of the angaras were turning a terrifying shade of grey. Earlier, she thought it was the storm obscuring her vision but looking at everyone else now Ryder was sure something was up. _Why am I not affected?_

“Is it the storm? The lack of sun?” she ventured, racking her head for her knowledge of angara biology. 

Falehe nodded. “The storm kept the sun blocked for most of yesterday and today,” she explained. “It’s not so good for angaras to be out of the sun.”

“Will you be fine?” Ryder glanced between the two of them anxiously. “Will all of you be okay?”

Jaal nodded tightly. “We’ll be fine as long as this doesn’t last too long,” he said. 

His feet stumbled, Ryder reached out and got a hand on his leathers while Gavis slipped from a lack of two hands on him. She strained, one hand on Jaal, the other on Gavis. It was her biotics keeping Gavis from falling completely into the snow. “Sorry,” Jaal muttered as he regained his balance. 

“Just watch yourself, Jaal,” she replied. “I can’t handle another one of you.”

Ryder turned to eye Falehe. “You good? Do you need me to take his pack too?” 

Falehe shook her head as stopping to catch her breath. “I'm fine. What’s 48 hours without the sun? Humans have no trouble?”

Ryder shook her head as she let Jaal go, putting both hands back around Gavis’ waist. She huffed as she heaved the barely unconscious angara up again. Ryder pulled at her biotics to bear Gavin’s’ weight, the effort was making her amp too hot for comfort. She glanced at Jaal and Falehe, then at Nafav, Sik and Tavfa a little way ahead of them. All of them wavering as they trudged on. Nobody looked like they were going to last. The daar was already in sight. They couldn’t fail here. Ryder cleared her throat meaningfully. 

“All right, people, listen up. We are all going to make it. We will fucking get through these final steps.”

Jaal nodded while Falehe was still catching her breath. Nafav, Sik and Tavfa barely glanced in her direction. _Argh, this is like being Pathfinder all over again._  

“Nafav, Sik and Tavfa, help Falehe,” she barked. 

The three straightened instinctively at the bite of command in her voice. She kept moving while Tavfa relieved Falehe of the packs she was carrying while Sik helped Falehe along. Nafav kept a look out. Ryder huffed as she passed Jaal. “What are you smiling about?” she growled, annoyed that she had give orders just to get them moving. 

_Isn’t it clear that teamwork meant helping each other?_  

Jaal grinned at her. “You’re made for this,” he said, his bio-electricity buzzing against her armour. 

“What? Dragging an angara through the snow?” Ryder snorted, Jaal kept pace next to her. 

He lifted Gavis’ other arm over his shoulder. Ryder sighed as the weight eased. “Look,” he urged. 

Ryder twisted her neck and saw the others behind her were following her example. Comrade helping comrade. Even Torshen had Dagar’s arm over his shoulder. Their eyes met for a moment, Torshen bared his teeth at her. Ryder rolled her eyes and turned back to Jaal. 

“We’re not sightseeing here, Jaal,” she pointed out. “We have a daar to get to.”

* * *

Andraknor stared at them as they trudged into the daar. Most of them in pairs, others in groups of three. Everyone supporting another. Nad and Avfae discussing among themselves as they scowled at the turn of events. Nad stretched his arm out to stop Sik and Falehe.

“Recruit Sik, why are you helping recruit Falehe?” he questioned, his eyes stern. 

Sik wasn’t looking too good herself and Falehe wasn’t able to stand without help. Sik glanced at Ryder before turning back to Nad. Before she could defend herself, Andraknor put a hand on Nad’s shoulder. 

“Recruit, get your friend to the sun lamps,” he said. “You have done well.” As he spoke he kept his eyes on Ryder.

Eventually when all the angaras were recovering under giant sun lamps set up for this particular purpose. Most of them were sleeping in heaps, limbs tangled, heedless if a foot was thrust right into another’s face. Ryder looked at Gavis. His colour was returning as were the others. The sight of Jaal and the others weak and ashen really scared Ryder. The way it made her feel helpless tugged at her anxiety. She hadn’t seen Jaal looking that bad even after a serious firefight. Ryder squirreled this bit of crucial information to the back of her mind. 

She rolled her shoulders. They were completely sore and stiff. Her stump was aching, it was probably more from the strain than from a return of nerve pain. Her stomach growled, reminding her the need to replenish her calories. “Ryder.”

She spun to find Andraknor looked at her. “Sir,” she replied. 

_Here it comes._

“Walk with me, Ryder,” he said.

“Can we go to the mess hall?”

Andraknor nodded. The daar was a large outpost, used mainly for training and research. Everyone gave her curious looks. Apparently the presence of their first human trainee wasn’t widely advertised. Ryder hesitated at the mess hall, looking at Andraknor unsure what he intended. “Get what you need,” he said before leaving to seek an empty table. 

It wasn’t needed since the mess hell was mostly empty. Ryder grabbed a bunch of ration bars as well as a bottle of water before settling down opposite Andraknor. Without waiting for permission, she unwrapped the bar and sank her teeth into it. 

“I wasn’t expecting that,” he spoke suddenly. 

Ryder was mid-bite. She raised an eyebrow at Andraknor and waited for him to elaborate. Taking her time to chew slowly. “You inspire others. You lead them,” he went on. 

Ryder swallowed and raised an eyebrow at Andraknor. “Thank you?”

He laughed. “But you weren’t supposed to use biotics,” he pointed out. 

“Yeah there were a lot of things I wasn’t supposed to do…” Ryder said as her eyes met his yellow ones head on. Steady, calm and sure. 

Andraknor betrayed nothing. _If I were to fail over a technicality, it would suck big time._ She held her breath. 

“It was a good call. Orders are not to be followed blindly,” he said eventually. “I’m eager to see what else you can do.” 

Without any preamble, Andraknor stood up and left her to her food. 

_No pressure huh?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	70. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avfae nodded once at both of them. “Go!”
> 
> Torshen came straight at her, trying to use his longer reach to his advantage. Maybe he assumed she was tired after being the guinea pig for ten other angaras before him. Ryder would be the first to admit it, she was tired but not so tired that she would fail to avoid such clumsy tactics. 
> 
> She danced a few steps away, keeping out of reach. Torshen’s eyes narrowed. Ryder could almost feel the charge of his annoyance rippling across her bare arm. The others shifted in their seats on the mat. All eyes were on them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone’s continued support. I hope all of you will hang in there as we move slowly towards the end. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

Well, it was out of the pan into the fire, not just for Ryder but for everyone else left. Level One saw 25 out of the initial 50 moving onto Level Two. Five failed to complete the march and Ryder didn’t even know about it. Despite that, it was cheers and congratulations all around. Even Torshen and Dagar seemed a little warmer to her, no longer stealing food.

_Even haters need to take a break._

Thanks to that, she had real food to enjoy this time. Once Ryder had her fill she left, allowing Jaal and the others to enjoy the company of their fellow angaras. She retreated to the edge of the daar. Tapping on her omni-tool, she wrote a message for Dex first. 

“How is Kiba? Does she miss me?”

Ryder read her message and thought better of it. Erasing her initial message she tried again. 

“How are you? Have you been keeping up with your practise? Everything is good with Wrench and Kiba? Send me a picture sometime? And remember not to piss Sloane off. Tell Wrench I said hi.”

With a cursory look over, she sent the message on its way before starting one for Scott. 

“Hey, just checking in. I’ve cleared Level One. Moving on to Level Two in a couple of days. Training was horrible, boot camp is never fun. Hope you have…” Ryder hummed as she wondered how to phrase things if Cora was peeking over his shoulder. 

She erased the last line and went on with her message. “Anyway, good luck in whatever you’re planning. Say hi to the rest for me.” 

Ryder read through her message one more time and sent it. “Hey, Ryder,” Jaal called from behind. He was leaning against a table and bench set. “Something wrong?” he asked. 

Ryder shook her head as she walked towards him. With a quick step, she hopped up the bench and sat on the table, her boots planted on seat. Jaal shook his head and joined her in the same position. “Congrats by the way,” she said. “We all passed.”

Jaal laughed. “Yes, we did. I’m surprised we weren’t all thrown out at the end there.”

“They can’t. Not if they don’t want to throw everyone out.”

The conversation lapsed into silence. The storms outside had subsided. It’s quiet, peaceful and calm. Ryder could feel the heat radiating from Jaal. She shifted closer to steal the heat from him. For a while, neither spoke. Enjoying each other’s company and the rare moment of peace before plunging into Level Two. Their time together has always been filled with urgency, life and death situations. They were constantly racing against the kett, the Archon. Then, a brief moment of respite before everything being thrown into hell at Ryder-01. Ryder sighed. _It was that long ago?_ Then, everything just fell apart after her near-assassination of the Moshae. She was too overwhelmed, what they had too fragile, too new to weather the storm, especially when duty, family and loyalty was at stake. To say their reunion on the Tempest was fraught was probably putting it mildly. After that, well, everything after was mostly a blur to Ryder. She was hardly conscious for most of it. But their conversation on the Tempest was clear in her mind. She remembered the words they exchanged. 

_What are we? We didn’t break up, did we?_

Ryder glanced at Jaal. His purple tone was back to its usual healthy hue. His clear blue eyes gazing into the snowy silence outside. His breath condensing in the air. The world held its breath as Ryder screwed up her courage to speak. 

_Why the fuck is it so hard? It wasn’t hard the other time. Why is it different now? Has too long passed? Too much had happened in between?_

She sucked a breath in through her teeth. Her lips parted as she tried to force his name through her teeth. “Jaal,” his name came out all strangled and strained. 

_What the fuck do I want to say? Maybe I should ask him what he wants, but he told me didn't he? He is waiting, has been waiting on me._

A familiar electricity ran down her spine when she became the sole focus of Jaal ama Darav. Her throat felt parched, too dry. Ryder cleared it. 

“Hey!” a voice rang out behind them. 

Ryder jerked her head to see Sik and Falehe heading towards them. She swallowed her sigh at the interruption. Turning back, Ryder found Jaal staring at her. “Come on, let’s join the others,” she said, hopping off the table. “We got to enjoy this break while we still can.”

* * *

_Famous last words._

Level two was all hand to hand combat. They were to hone their ability to neutralise and kill. Species didn’t make a difference. Obviously this included asaris, turians, krogans, salarians, kett and humans. Wasn’t it great they have an actual human to try these techniques on? Well, it wasn’t the case for the sole human.

The air rushed out of Ryder’s lungs as she fell again. She refused to get up right away. Ryder lay on the mat, eyes closed as she tried to catch her breath. Gavis offered a hand to her. She slapped her hand against his and he pulled her to her feet. Avfae looked at her. “Are you ready to continue?”

Ryder nodded as she retied her hair again. Again, another thing angaras didn’t have to bother with. Since she arrived on Aya, she had no access to a shaver and she didn’t bother asking for one. It’s been months since her last shave, her sides and back were long enough to tie up like how she used to. Ryder almost looked like how she did before her life fell apart. She nodded to the trainer. “Ready.”

“Torshen, you’re next.”

Ryder eyed the larger angara male. She sighed. It was inevitable after all. Torshen and Dagar both made it to Level Two so here they were. Everyone here were trained the rudimentary of hand to hand combat as part of the Resistance boot camp. Some were more skilled than most as a result of their subsequent specialisation. According to Tavfa, who worked with Torshen before, he was an accomplished hand to hand combatant. 

Ryder kept her eyes on Torshen, taking his larger bulk and longer reach into consideration. The goal was for him throw her while her job was to put up a token fight. Everyone who came before completed the exercise in a matter of seconds. This time it felt a little different. Ryder rolled her shoulders, catching the look of concern Jaal was shooting her way. 

Ryder turned her attention back to Torshen and nodded. “Let’s get on with it.”

Avfae nodded once at both of them. “Go!”

Torshen came straight at her, trying to use his longer reach to his advantage. Maybe he assumed she was tired after being the guinea pig for ten other angaras before him. Ryder would be the first to admit it, she was tired but not so tired that she would fail to avoid such clumsy tactics. 

She danced a few steps away, keeping out of reach. Torshen’s eyes narrowed. Ryder could almost feel the charge of his annoyance rippling across her bare arm. The others shifted in their seats on the mat. All eyes were on them. 

Torshen took two steps left, Ryder took two to the right. They circled, prey versus predator. What was mere seconds felt like minutes as time lengthened. Her focus pinpoint sharp, narrowed to a single target. For all that Ryder had taken Torshen’s bulk into consideration, she failed to anticipate how quick he could be. He feinted to the left but stepped to his right. Before Ryder realised what he was doing, Torshen had covered half the distance between them. His long reach did the rest for him. He clamped one hand on her right arm, pulling her off balance. A snarl distorting his mouth. Ryder twisted as she tipped towards him. Her skin was already sleek with sweat. With a little effort, her arm slipped from his grasp. Tucking into a roll, she came back to her feet again. 

That wasn’t the end of Torshen’s repertoire. He sprung lightning quick. His upraised knee slamming into her solar plexus. Air forced its way out of her lungs, leaving her gasping. Her head connected against the mat, hard. Ryder coughed and struggled. It was moot. His hands pinned her arms down, his grip tightening as he growled. His bio-electricity saying what his words couldn’t

“Fine, I yield,” she yelled, her voice higher than usual. 

The surging waves of a panic attack threatened the edges of her control. All she saw was a snarl in reply. Her heart quickened, racing as if to escape her chest. Sounds grew hollow and muffled. She shook her head to rid herself of the darkness at the corners of her vision.  

Torshen shifted his weight to keep her arms pinned as he freed one arm. Ryder watched. One hand, big and blue. Like the weight of a planet pressed against her throat, choking her. Ryder snapped. 

She wasn’t training. She wasn’t sparring. Her opponent wasn’t Torshen. It was Vidal again. Pressing, squeezing, choking, killing. 

 _Your fault, your fault. All your fault._  

She struggled but her only arm was restrained. Helpless, dying and no help anywhere. 

_no. No. NO!_

Instincts ruled over logic. She flared and Pushed. It slammed into Vidal with all force she could muster. 

The pressure over her throat vanished, her arms freed once more. Ryder sat up. Her eyes wild as reality and her battle memory warred for supremacy over her actions. Vague figures were rushing towards her. Ryder shook her head. “No, don’t touch me,” she rasped.

Her hands stretched out searching for that familiar furry warmth but it wasn’t there. 

_Where’s Kiba? I need her._

Her heart flopped to the pit of her gut as Ryder remembered. She sent Kiba away. She was on her own. 

_No Kiba. Just me… just me._

Taking a shuddering breath, Ryder squeezed her eyes shut. _I can do this. I must._ “100, 91, 82, 73, 64, 55…” she whispered to herself. 

Someone else was speaking over her counting. His voice gentle and calm as he spoke. “You are here on Voeld. You are in the training room. You are safe, come back here.”

By the time she got to ten, Ryder opened her eyes experimentally. The vision of Vidal had dissolved, reality was pressing back against her. A crowd of familiar angara faces looked at her anxiously. Jaal’s clear blue ones the only ones she latched on like a lifeline. 

“May I?” Jaal asked. 

Ryder nodded. He reached out and pulled her against him. A tingling sensation travelling up her arms as Jaal’s bare hands touched hers. _Calm._ Ryder closed her eyes and allowed the sensation to wash over her. Her breathing steadied. She blinked. 

“What…” her voice raspy, it hurt even to swallow. 

Ryder pushed away from Jaal who readily released her. As she tried to lever herself up with her left arm, a sharp pain lanced through her stump, up her shoulder. With a gasp, she fell back against Jaal. 

“You need a medic,” Sik said as she left to speak to Avfae. 

Ryder forced herself to take a deep breath. “Torshen?” she croaked. 

“Don’t worry about that stubborn fool,” Jaal reassured, pressing his hand over her forehead, pushing her hair out of her face. “You blasted him clean across the room. He is out cold now.”

Ryder scanned the room to find a similar crowd of angaras around Torshen. Dagar hovered anxiously over her friend. Across the room and all its chaos, their eyes met for a moment. Ryder’s muscles tensed in response. Jaal noticed. His eyes followed her gaze. A deep growl rumbled in his chest. Gavis who was on the other side of her was doing something similar.

Ryder pressed her right hand over Jaal’s arm and squeezed. “Jaal, Gavis that’s enough,” she rasped. “I can’t handle another fight now.”

* * *

Jaal tapped his foot as he waited outside the infirmary. _Ancestors! Torshen has to be dealt with. This is completely endangering the life of another recruit. That has to be against the rules._  

Falehe and Gavis watched Jaal’s circuit looped around again. Both of them could feel the irritation flowing off Jaal. “Chill out, Jaal,” Falehe said. “You’re making me dizzy.”

“Ryder’s fine,” Gavis said in an attempt to reassure him. 

Jaal’s feet came to an instant stop. His mouth twisted into a snarl. “Hey, hey,” Gavis said, his hands held up. “I’m not saying this is no big deal, but she is ok so quit pacing.”

Jaal sighed. He knew they were right, he was overreacting. It was then the door slid open. Ryder stepped out of the infirmary, her sleeves pulled to her shoulders, arms shiny with a liberal application of medigel. A pair of large finger print shaped bruises forming on her arms. Her throat spotted a similar bruise. Her left arm was in a sling. 

“Hey,” she said, her voice still raspy but better than it was an hour ago. 

Jaal looked at her intently. “Are you ok?” 

Ryder sniggered. “Well you should see the other guy!”

Gavis and Falehe chuckled. “You were awesome. That blast! You should have seen that look of shock when your blast hit him,” Gavis said. 

Ryder grinned and started walking back towards their quarters. “Must have been epic,” she said, the smile looking a little frozen. 

Gavis nodded enthusiastically as he gestured wildly with his hands. Falehe took Ryder’s other side while Jaal followed behind. Eventually Falehe and Gavis was carrying the conversation on their own. Ryder’s steps slowed as her smile slid off her face. Her brown eyes dulled with exhaustion. Jaal reached into his pocket and pulled a ration bar out. With a quick rip, he opened it and thrust it towards Ryder. 

“Eat,” he said. 

Ryder’s eyes widened a little as she accepted the bar from him. Their fingers touched for a brief moment. Her eyes brightened a little from contact but she looked away as she stuffed the bar into her mouth. “Thanks,” she mumbled through her full mouth.

Gavis and Falehe stepped through the wide doorway, leading into the barracks. Ryder followed, two steps behind them, shifting to one side when she saw Dagar approaching. There was more than adequate space for them to pass without touching. 

Then pain exploded up Ryder’s stump and chest. A barely audible gasp escaped her mouth as she pressed a hand against the wall to steady herself. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut, her face growing pale. 

"Ryder, are you-" Jaal’s words trailed off when he saw Dagar pushed past her roughly, a smirk on her face. 

The simmering anger Jaal had for Dagar and Torshen boiled over. He blocked her way with his bulk. “Why did you do that?” he demanded. “Are you a child?”

Ryder’s face was pale as she bit back a groan. Dagar sneered at Jaal. “Of course you would defend the vesagara,” she growled. “You’d believe the lies their Leadership made the Moshae say. Look at all the conflicting reports spreading across the extranet. She is the Bloody Blade and always will be.”

Gavis and Falehe turned back. Their positions effectively boxing Dagar in against Jaal. “You are blind, Dagar. She is no vesagara. Evfra was there. Do you doubt his words?” He all but shouted. 

Jaal could see the attention of the entire barracks focused on them. “She saved the Moshae and all of us from war,” he growled. 

“Lies!” she hissed. 

Jaal took a step towards Dagar but felt a pressure against his chest. He looked down and realised it was Ryder’s hand. Her eyes sharp and hard, all traces of the pain gone. Jaal watched as she morphed before his eyes. The woman straightened, back stiff, shoulders set, her mask returned. Jaal realised he was no longer looking at Ryder but at the Pathfinder. Gavis and Falehe seemed to sense the change as well. 

“Lies they might seem to you Dagar,” Ryder said, advancing on Dagar. “They are my reality.”

Dagar faltered and took a step backwards. Her face twisted in disgust at herself. Jaal was almost amused to see Ryder making the taller angara hesitate. A fierce pride seized him. She had all but worked through her battle memory on her own. 

“I earned my place here,” she said. “Like you did. With blood, sweat and tears.”

Dagar glanced behind her as murmurs of affirmation drifted over. Jaal saw it in her eyes. She knew she was outnumbered here. Ryder pressed against his chest against forcing him to take two steps to the side, allow Dagar to pass. 

The female angara frowned as she slipped past. Ryder’s hand shot out and tightened on Dagar’s. She stopped and glared at Ryder. The stare rolled off Ryder like water off ice. 

“Accept my apology on behalf of Torshen. I would have done it in person but he is still too out of it to process my words.”

Dagar seethed. Ryder let go of her arm. The angara pulled her arm back like it was burnt. As she pushed past him, Jaal smirked at her. Ryder’s sigh dragged his attention back to her. Her face was creased with lines as her brow knitted together. 

Her eyes met his. “This day has been too fucking long,” she groaned. 

Jaal snorted. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

* * *

The rest of the six weeks went in much the same way. Ryder learned and taught in turns. She had more experience with hand to hand combat with the other Milky Way species. Despite the angara larger bulk and longer reach, it was no match to a krogan’s brute strength, a salarian’s precision strikes, a turian’s natural armour and sharp talons or an asari’s natural skill with biotics. 

“It seems humans are the only one with no natural offensive or defensive attributes,” Tavfa said. 

Ryder shrugged. “We’re stubborn as fuck,” she pointed out. “That’s why we stand shoulder to shoulder with everyone else. I’m probably missing a whole bunch of biological advantages but hey, I’m no doctor. But in short, humanity is tenacious, if we want something, we will work towards it, even if we shouldn’t.”

Flickering images of black flesh lined with blue glow flashed across her mind for a split second. 

 _Yeah, even if we shouldn’t._  

* * *

Since the incident, Torshen and Dagar kept their distance from her. Being able to knock Torshen out was probably a huge deciding factor. The rest of the recruits suddenly looking at her in awe was a bonus. Not all of them had a chance to see biotics in action after all. 

That first day after she was cleared for active training again, Nafav approached her to spar when she was getting ready for her biotic practise. “Sure why not?” 

As they got ready, Ryder could feel Jaal’s eyes on her. She twisted around to meet his eyes. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m fine.”

Jaal just narrowed his eyes as he stood. His meditation all abandoned. _That angara is turning out to quite a mother hen._ It didn’t stop the tingle of electricity running down her spine. Ryder clenched and unclenched her prothesis. No pain. _Nothing a patch wouldn’t cure after all._

She eyed Nafav cautiously. “Ready to put your money where your mouth is?” she asked, a grin plastered across her face. 

Nafav cocked his head at her, confusion written all over his face. “Never mind,” she said, waving her hand at him. “Let’s do this!”

Falehe, Gavis, Sik and Tavfa cheered while Jaal folded his arms across his chest. “Have a little faith, Jaal.” she shouted as she Charged Nafav. 

* * *

That fight attracted a crowd. Pretty soon, all her biotics sessions were impromptu sparring sessions where she took on one contender every day. Credits changed hands sometimes, favours other times. Ryder didn’t always win, but she always learned from her mistakes and so did the other recruits. Torshen and Dagar were the only two who never took her on despite all the goading from the others. 

Ryder made use of this opportunity to de-sensitive herself. She couldn’t fall apart every time someone lay their hands near or on her neck. There were times battle memories threatened to drag her screaming into the abyss of the past but Ryder fought them off, with claws and teeth if that’s all she had. 

“Come on, Jaal,” Falehe said. “You should spar with Ryder.”

Ryder glanced at the pair as she wiped her brow. Her ponytail sleek with sweat. “You never take a turn,” she pointed out. 

Jaal frowned. “I can’t,” he said as he made to walk away to escape that line of questioning. 

Ryder narrowed her eyes. “Can’t or won’t?” she pressed. 

Sik who was her opponent that day grinned. “Afraid you’ll get beat by a human?” she asked in a sing-song voice. 

The usual crowd of audience were taking up the chant as well. “Fight, fight, fight!” 

Ryder put her hands on her hips. “What will it be Jaal? Are you going to run?”

Jaal’s back straightened as he stood at his full height. His teeth flashed at her. “Are you sure? You just finish one fight.”

Ryder glanced at her omni-tool. “Don’t make excuses. We have time. Ten standard minutes, it should be enough for me to wipe the floor with you.”

She expected Jaal not to understand the slang but instead he said, “Strong words, Ryder. Prepare to eat them!”

Laughter erupted from her lips as she beckoned him towards the clear space. Jaal pulled his gloves off and handed them to Falehe. She took them and tucked them into her pocket. “This I got to see. Ancestors can take the training today,” she said. 

Sik and Gavis quickly popped their heads back into the barracks and shouted. “Jaal’s taking on Ryder!” 

In the few minutes they took to get ready, the entire barracks had emptied itself to watch the fight. Ryder caught glimpses of Torshen and Dagar walking at the edges. “Eyes on me, Ryder,” Jaal taunted. “Or you will be the one on the ground.”

Despite the cold of Voeld, Ryder felt a flush crept up her cheeks. She grinned and got into a ready stance. “Let’s go, Ama Darav.”

Jaal launched himself at her, faster than she thought possible. Ryder chided herself for underestimating him. He was the one who had seen her fight the most. He knew how she fought better than anyone else. But she had biotics on her side. With a small burst, she danced backwards, giving herself more space. Her amp complained. Ryder rolled her shoulders. Jaal stopped and showed her his teeth. “Scared?” he asked, his eyes twinkling. 

Ryder snorted. “No holding back,” she said as her smile melted. “I’m serious, no holding back.”

Jaal’s eyes darted away. Her jaw twitched. She knew it. Jaal would hold back, afraid she was made of glass, afraid she would be launched into another battle memory, afraid she would flinch away from his touch, afraid she would run away again. Her brown eyes flashed with annoyance. “No holding back,” she repeated. 

Without giving him a chance to reply, she Charged. Her shoulder slammed into his chest. Jaal fell heavily as his arms reached out towards her, Ryder bared her neck at him. Instead of taking the easy target, they went for her waist. A sound of disgust erupted from her lips. “Ama Darav,” she growled. “No holding back!”

Ryder wasn’t sure. Maybe the crowd of angaras quietened. Maybe her ears turned themselves off. The air around them swirled, snow cut the space between them like a knife. Her breath came out in white fog, attempting to obscure her view of Jaal. Despite it, Ryder saw him clearly. His jaw tightened as he got to his feet. She couldn’t understand why she was feeling as pissed as she was. Maybe she hoped Jaal would understand her need for him not to hold back. Nobody did after all. This was Heskaarl training. She was not looking for a break or charity. She was here to find out if she still had what it took. 

Ryder Charged again. Jaal wasn’t going down that easily. He sidestepped and slammed into her side, shifting her off course. His knees came down on her back, his entire weight pushing her down into the snow. She grunted as air got forced out of her lungs. Ryder twisted but Jaal’s arm pressed against her shoulders as he bent low, while another hand took hold of her prothesis. She grinned. _Now this is more like it._

“Yield,” Jaal shouted, his face flushed a deep purple from his efforts. 

Ryder didn’t bother replying. She Pushed against the snow, kicking them both up. Jaal jerked his face away, his grip loosening a tiny bit. Taking the opening, Ryder twisted and wriggled out of his grip, using her biotics to move faster. Jaal’s reach was long. His arms moved instinctively. One hand gripped her arm while another clamped around her neck. 

Ryder stiffened. Battle memories came with a battering ram to force down her gate of control. She growled. Jaal’s hands relaxed for a second before tightening again. A wave of satisfaction swept through her despite her wavering control. “Yield,” he repeated. 

Ryder wouldn’t, couldn’t. She was just not built that way. Opening her mouth, she gasped as if she couldn’t catch her breath. Jaal panicked and let go. Her gasp was quickly replaced with a smirk when she flipped him on his back and pinned him down in turn. “What did I say Jaal?”

Jaal frowned, realising his mistake too late. A bell rang out. It was time to assemble for their training. “Shit!” Falehe exclaimed. 

The crowd dispersed. Ryder offered Jaal a hand. When their skin touch, a jolt ran up her prothesis to her stump. It wasn’t the familiar surge of pain. It was Jaal’s bio-electricity coming in contact with her skin. She read a mingling of feelings from it but chief among them was pride. 

Ryder grinned at him as she dragged a hand over her face. “Come on,” she urged as she took off in a run. 

With friendships forged in the field of battle. Surrounded by comrades in arms, Ryder never felt more alive than this every moment in time. This was the best decision she made in a long time. 

* * *

Ryder stood in a line with 19 other of her fellow recruits. It was their final test. If they pass this, everyone was moving onto Level Three. Andraknor’s eyes raked across the ranks. He stood two steps in front of a similar line of 19 full fledged Heskaarl members. The spot in front of her was empty. Her eyes narrowed. _Why don’t I have an opponent?_

“These are your opponents today. Ryder, yours is a little late,” he said a little exasperatingly as his arms swept outwards gesturing at the others. “Beat them and you will get to move onto the next level.”

The next few hours was an exercise in keeping her horror in check. She sat on the training mat. There were two matches going on at any one time. Andraknor, Nad and Avfae kept a hawk-like watch on the proceedings, making marks on their datapads. For what purposes, Ryder had no idea because every single recruit that went against the Heskaarl failed. It was combat till one of the combatants yielded. No deadly force allowed but almost everything else was permissible.

Ryder watched Jaal’s match keenly. He was squaring up against a Heskaarl she remembered from Havarl. They exchanged blows hard and fast. Jaal got his opponent in chokehold. _Yes! Get that asshole! You will be the first who pass!_

Then, it was blink, and she would miss it. The tables turned. The Heskaarl twisted and got his legs around Jaal’s neck. He extended his body, stretching Jaal’s arm and neck to an uncomfortable angle. Jaal’s held back his pain but Ryder could see the strain he was under. His face going a deep purple from the lack of air. 

Ryder fought the urge rush over and join in the fight. Her fists clenched and unclenched ineffectually instead. “Yield!” 

Jaal renewed his struggles instead. His face went a deeper shade of purple. “Yield, damn it!” the Heskaarl growled. 

  _Fuck! Yield, Jaal. This isn’t worth your life!_  

Ryder used all the mental strength she had to telepathically tell Jaal. Her legs jerked as she made to step up. Falehe kept a tight grip on her arm. She shook her head. Ryder’s jaw tightened. It felt like an eternity. Eventually, Jaal yielded. He gasped the word out with the last bit of air in his lungs. 

The pair of legs released his neck, and he coughed. His lungs heaved as he dragged mouthfuls of air down his throat. Ryder sighed with relief audibly. 

The Heskaarl guided Jaal off the mat to be looked at by the doctor. Andraknor stepped into Ryder’s view. He levelled a finger at both herself and Falehe. “You’re next.”

Ryder nodded and stood up. She jogged on the spot to warm up and did some stretches to loosen her muscles. Falehe just stared as she did it. Yet another reason why angaras were physically superior in this regard. Ryder blew a short sharp breath through her mouth. Turning to Falehe, she said, “Good luck.”

Falehe nodded. “Stay strong and clear.”

Ryder grinned and stepped onto the mat. Her opponent wasn’t there. Ryder rolled her shoulders as she looked at Andraknor nervously. _Where is my opponent?_ Andraknor sighed when his omni-tool beeped. He glanced at it, his shoulders visible relaxed. “She’s here,” he said. 

Ryder waited, keeping her eyes on the door. It didn’t take long. When it swished open, Levine walked in. The rest of the room grew hushed as the recruits who weren’t busy getting their asses kicked stared at the Chief Heskaarl. Levine, seemingly oblivious to the multiple pair of eyes on her, looked around the room and found Ryder gaping at her. She grinned. 

_Oh fuck…_

Ryder turned to Andraknor. “Her?”

He nodded. “Yes, her.”

“How is this fair?”

“Do you expect me to say no to my boss when she made this request?” Andraknor retorted. 

Ryder dragged her hand over her mouth and chin as she turned back to face Levine. “Ryder,” she greeted. “Shall we start?”

“Fuck me,” Ryder muttered before replying, “Sure why not.”

Levine shed her heavier leathers in favour of the lighter set. Ryder was dressed in a simple sports bra and knee length tights, the training room was warm enough for it. Her bare feet sank a little into the padded floor as she widened her stance. 

“Any last words?” Levine asked, her yellow eyes bright and eager. 

“No biotics?” Ryder asked hopefully. 

Levine barked a short laugh and shook her head. “Nice try, Ryder. No biotics.”

* * *

“I…” Ryder croaked, her lungs burning from the lack of air. “Yield…”

Her face burnt with the failure. Levine was quick and precision sharp. The fight tugged at the memory of her fight against Raeka. The bitter taste of desperation and fear made Ryder want to spit. Her sparring sessions helped her stay focused and centred in reality. Despite getting some good hits in but Ryder never felt so completely out classed by someone else before. 

Levine released the chokehold she had around Ryder’s neck. She remained flat on her back, trying to recover from the defeat. Her body was sore and completely drained. _Not good enough, still not good enough. Maybe I never was._

A dark blue hand stretched down into her field of vision. Ryder tilted her head upwards to see Levine. She sighed. _That’s that then. End of the line for me…_

Ryder tightened her hand in Levine’s as the Chief Heskaarl pulled her to her feet. “Good fight,” Levine said, the same irrepressible smile on her face. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ryder replied dully, pulling her hair tie loose, before retying it. 

“Hey, you did well,” Levine said slapping her on the shoulder. “You have come a long way.”

“I didn’t get very far,” Ryder replied. 

Levine just shook her head and walked off the mat. Ryder joined Jaal at the other end of the room. “How did the rest do?” she asked. 

He shook his head, his neck bruised and rubbed raw. “Same,” he rasped. “Everyone was the same.”

“They can’t fail everyone can they?” Ryder asked. “I mean…”

Words failed her. She sighed as she sank down to the floor, her legs drawn up against her chest. Ryder faced the mat where other fights that were still going on but she wasn’t really watching. 

What did this mean for her? Jaal would go back to his unit within the Resistance, so would the rest of them. Ryder was the only loose end. After the success of Level One, the tiny flicker of hope of returning to the Tempest in any kind of capacity made the thought of returning to Kadara, to that solitary existence stifling. 

Jaal nudged her shoulder, snapping her out of the spiral of thoughts. “Hey, come back here,” he croaked pressing the ice pack he had against her bare arm. 

Ryder flinched away from the sudden sensation. “Fuck, Jaal,” she cursed. 

She straightened her legs as Jaal sank down to the floor to join her, their shoulders touching. Ryder shivered a little at the contact pressing a little closer to steal his heat. 

“You know, this isn’t the end,” Jaal pointed out. 

Ryder turned her head to look at him. _Clearly my thoughts weren’t as hidden as I thought they were._

“Not for you, you’re all go back to whichever unit you came from. Me? Without this, I’m heading back to Kadara. I don’t have a place on the Tempest. Cora is doing a good job, hell, an even better job than I have,” Ryder scoffed. 

The bitter taste in her mouth made Ryder grimaced. The thought of having crawling back to Kadara defeated frustrated her. Kadara was safe harbour for a while after running from the Nexus but that’s all it was. She could see that now. It wasn’t home, not after everything. Ryder wanted to do more, she had more to give. But if this was where she faltered and fell, it just meant what she was now wasn’t good enough. 

_And I just only began to hope._

Ryder glared at her prothesis, opening and closing it over and over. She exhaled, loud and audibly. Then a hand took her prothesis. Ryder watched as Jaal enclosed his hand over it, unflinching, completely at ease. Ryder felt it. It was support, it was solidarity. Jaal gave her a little squeeze. 

“Whatever the case, you are not alone,” he said. “And remember you are currently a member of the Resistance.”

Ryder blinked. That hadn’t crossed her mind. His words shone a light in the tunnel of her thoughts. It was a door ajar, there if she would walk through it. She must have worried him as she caught Jaal peering at her. Ryder gave him a small smile. “I’m fine, I’m here,” she said. “I was just thinking.”

He returned the smile, a rumble vibrating his chest, sending her calm and peace through their contact. Before Ryder could say anything, Andraknor’s voice rang out. “Gather around recruits!” he shouted. 

Ryder got up to her feet, her muscles stiffened while she was stuck in her head. She groaned a little as the bruises were making themselves known. Jaal made a similar sound as he stood. “We’re a matched pair huh,” she said, nudging his side. 

Jaal chuckled, sending a warmth through her chest. “Come on,” he said, “Let’s see if we’re kicked out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	71. Trial by Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _No biotics, no biotics._
> 
> But fuck was it hard to refrain. Ryder jumped, dodged and rolled. Her back pressed against a crate. Her sniper rifle made useless because of the close range. The bots fired, their bullets clinking against her cover. Oh how she wished she could send a Shockwave in their direction. Her problems would be so easily solved with some biotics. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone’s continued support. I’ve been working a Dragon Age Inquisition and a MEA (noting Cetus related) one shot. Not sure if when either will be released. Once these two are done, I can start work on the next long fic. At least that’s the plan. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

15 of them remained after their final test. Nobody was meant to defeat their opponents. They weren’t expected to. Andraknor, Nad and Avfae graded them on their techniques and tenacity. 

Her legs wobbled a little as relief washed over her. Ryder glanced at her fellow recruits more than half of them were clapping each other on their backs, hugging with tears in their eyes. She frowned. _What about Nafav?_ She didn't remember hearing his name. Her eyes sought out his familiar figure. 

Ryder sighed when she found him. Her jaw tightened. The answer was obvious when she found him. Nafav had his back against the wall, head bowed. Her feet took her over even as her relief and happiness warred against the disappointment she felt for Nafav. Without a word, she sat down on the floor next to him. He kept his head turned away but his frustration was clear. His bio-electric field sparked when his hand brushed over his face. 

“Hey,” Ryder started, unsure what else to say. 

Nafav didn’t answer, he kept his eyes on the other celebrating recruits. His teeth biting into his lower lip as he blinked rapidly to keep tears of defeat from falling. 

Ryder offered him her upturned palm. Nafav cocked his head and looked at her, confused. For a split second, Ryder wondered if he didn’t want to touch her prothesis. Ryder withdrew her arm like she didn't notice the slap across her face, only to feel Nafav placed his larger palm over hers. His disappointment poured through his touch as he tightened his grip over her palm. 

Nafav looked up and found the others standing around him. One by one, Tavfa, Sik, Falehe and Jaal joined them on the floor. Their fields mingling and communicating in a way Ryder couldn’t understand but she felt all the same. Jaal was sitting to her right. With a slight quirk of his lips, he offered her his palm. Ryder lifted her eyes and looked at him.

“Ryder?” he called. 

She blinked, realising she was staring. His eyes looked like a galaxy was trapped within them. Ryder shook her head. “I’m just tired,” she said as she laced his fingers between his. Despite, his heavily webbed last three fingers, they made it work, somehow. Maybe they would again, one day.

* * *

Level Three, five weeks of weapons training, marksmanship qualifications. It was the bane of Ryder’s existence. She was already good with her assault rifle, shotgun and pistol. Ryder eyed the sniper rifle in her hands warily. “Really?” she asked. 

Andraknor nodded. “It’s the basic requirement of every Heskaarl.”

She opened her mouth ready to point out members of elite forces tend to specialise but he had already walked away. With a sound of disgust she holstered her rifle on her back and made her way to the range with the others. 

Ryder was flushed with wicked satisfaction when she saw she wasn’t the only one struggling with the sniper rifle. As she drank deeply from her canteen, she spied Torshen being berated by Nad. Andraknor shot her a look. _Fuck._ Capping her canteen, she quickly made her way back to her booth. 

The rifle’s butt pressed against her left shoulder, the spot already forming a bruise from the kick back of the rifle. Ryder pulled the scope up to her eye. Her finger a hair’s breath over the trigger, hovering. The crosshairs danced across the stationary target. Ryder sighed, it was a calm day. Just a slight breeze dancing across the range, snow swirling in its wake. It wasn't as bad as the previous day's training in the middle of a snow storm. Ryder shivered at the memory. She turned her attention back to the target. Pulling from her experience doing breathing exercises, she forced her breathing to slow. The world ceased to matter. 

Inhale. Exhale. Hold. Fire. 

The VI flashed a magnified image of her shot on her omni-tool. “Damn,” she cursed. 

Her shot still wasn’t dead centre on the bull’s eye, even in the best weather condition, but it was getting there. Jaal popped into her booth. “Having trouble?” he asked. 

Ryder narrowed her eyes at him. “Here to gloat?”

Jaal laughed. She found her lips perking up in a smile at the sound. Something long dormant stirred but Ryder couldn’t quite put a finger on what. “You need some remedial lessons,” he said. 

“Are you offering?” Ryder countered, an eyebrow arched. 

“For you.” Jaal eyed her with a cheeky grin. “Always.”

Morning sparring session turned into private coaching with Jaal. An hour every day to help with her shitty sniping skills. Time spent shoulder to shoulder. Ryder lying on her belly sighting through the scope. Jaal hovering over her, his hands guiding her.

Ryder made a grunt of frustration. Jaal snorted. “Come on Ryder if you can learn how to walk after two months in a coma, a sniper rifle shouldn’t be harder,” he pointed out. 

“Touché.”

Ryder's heart made a little leap, she was glad he was able to talk about her coma, and the events before and after it, basically everything since her near assassination of the Moshae without tip-toeing around it. Sometimes his eyes lingered on her prothesis. His guilt was palpable for a long time. It was a sadness behind his eyes. Ryder saw it every time he looked in her direction. She wasn't going to be able to move past it if Jaal couldn't. Jaal needed time to forgive himself as she needed time to accept the loss of her arm and starting from scratch again. Both things weren’t equal, but it wasn’t without weight. It wasn't a forgiveness she could give him. 

Ryder turned to look at Jaal, his eyes bright and playful but older and wiser. The sadness was replaced by a calm acceptance. They all had both grown. The scars, both mental and physical, proved that. It all had to mean something, right?

Ryder wrenched her mind back to concentrate on the task at hand. “Let’s do this, how hard can it be?” she growled. 

Jaal chuckled. “That’s the spirit.”

* * *

It was the first part of their final test. Firing range proficiency was straight forward enough. Ryder was confident on her skills on all of them even the sniper rifle. However, there was a second part. 

The trainers led the group to the largest pre-fab on base. It dominated the landscape of the camp, being tall and imposing. Inside housed a sophisticated simulation system where they ran different courses set to challenge the recruits as they trained with the different weapon classes. Today was different. It was designed to be the final culmination of all they had been training for. Ryder and the rest of the recruits looked at the pre-fab apprehensively.

Andraknor gestured at the weapons lay out on the tables. Ryder cast an experienced eye at the array. All of them weapons they hadn't train with in the entire five weeks. They were mostly Milky Way weapons with a few Kett weapons and a rare Remnant one. They spanned the weapons classes. 

The angaras around her started to mumble among themselves as speculations flew. Ryder only had eyes on the Mattock she saw. _Maybe we’ll be able to pick our own weapons?_  

Jaal was the only other person relatively calm. He had a legendary habit of tinkering with weapons. His time on the Tempest had exposed him to most if not all the weapons now laid in front of them. Ryder huffed. So an unknown scenario filled with who knew what enemies wasn't enough, there was the matter of unfamiliar weapons. 

“Line up,” Andraknor called. 

A line was formed quickly. One by one they filed past and were handed two weapons each. The trainer dropped two weapons in her waiting hands. Ryder walked away with her mouth gaping. What on hell was she supposed to do with a Remnant sniper rifle and kett shotgun? 

She turned to find Jaal’s mouth agape in envy, starring at the sniper rifle in her hands. “You got a Shadow. I always wanted to try one of them,” he whispered almost reverently. 

His hand moved involuntarily towards the sniper rifle in her hands. She eyed the Mattock in his hand. “I’ll swap you for that Mattock,” she whispered as she jerked her chin at the rifle in his hands. 

Jaal glanced about surreptitiously. Before he could do anything else, Andraknor’s voice rang out. “No trading, we’ll know,” he warned. 

He sighed. “Don’t worry, I’m sure they will let you play with it later,” Ryder chuckled, patting him on the arm, even if she wanted so much to get her hand on the Mattock.

Jaal bent over the Shadow and showed her what he knew about it while she did the same in turn for him. Everyone got busy familiarising themselves to their weapons. In a combat situation, they couldn’t expect to only have use of weapons they were familiar with. It was something Pa had drilled into her head long ago.  

* * *

Each recruit were sent through the course one by one. Each one going through from one end and never returning to the group. Who knew what awaited them inside. Ryder forced herself to sit still, to conserve energy. One by one, each one was called through to walk through the course. Falehe was the first to go, follow by Torshen, Gavis, Sik, Dagar and Jaal, in that order. 

Ryder hated being the last. It was the worst. She forced herself to sit still, her left foot twitched in lieu of pacing. Her hands running through checks on her weapons for the umpteenth time. Eventually, her name was called. 

Her legs protested a little from having been still for so long. Ryder reached behind her and pulled the shotgun off the magnetic holster. Her fingers wrapped around the stock and barrel. Her fingerless leather glove creaked as her grip tightened. 

Ryder glanced at Nad. Andraknor and Avfae were already inside, ready to grade them with the help of the VI system inside. Her breath misted as she puffed air out through her mouth. Nad nodded at her once. 

The nervous energy from before disappeared. The switch was flipped and battle mode was engaged. Ryder was a soldier. And she had a job. She would get it done. 

Her eyes hard, her jaw tight. Ryder pressed her shoulder against the door and swung her shotgun up to lead the way. 

* * *

_No biotics, no biotics._

But fuck was it hard to refrain. Ryder jumped, dodged and rolled. Her back pressed against a crate. Her sniper rifle made useless because of the close range. The bots fired, their bullets clinking against her cover. Oh how she wished she could send a Shockwave in their direction. Her problems would be so easily solved with some biotics. 

_That just means you are over reliant on them._

“Shut up,” she growled at her oh-so-fucking-reasonable brain. 

Inside was a new maze of crates and walls, it was a configuration Ryder hadn’t seen before. But the objective was simple enough, capture the flag that lay at the end of this maze of rooms and retreat safely to the exit. 

_Easy peasy._

The range of the kett shotgun wasn’t fantastic. Without being able to Charge, she had to get in close by foot. _Like a barbarian._ Ryder suppressed a snort of frustration lest the bots detect it. _Remember, the bots are set to lethal._  

Ryder inched her head over the barrier for a quick peek. Mentally, she made a note on the configuration of the room. Crates, walls and doors that led deeper into the maze were devilishly placed, making sure it would be hard to avoid detection. She watched the bots. There was no set pattern in their patrol routes. She didn’t expect things to be easy. But right now, her way forward was clear. 

_Time to go._  

Decision made, Ryder swung into action. Her legs pumping, her shotgun leading the way, scurrying her way towards the door. Her back pressed against another barrier, she was close to the door but there were a pair of bots guarding it. Ryder needed a distraction. 

_No biotics, no biotics._ She reminded herself. 

Instead, Ryder popped a single shell from her clip. With a quick fling of the shell away from her position, she inched closer to the door. The shell hit the floor. The noise was audible but not loud. It attracted the attention of the pair guarding the door and the surrounding ones. They instantly switched modes. Most split off to investigate. Ryder watched. Her eyes not missing the way the bots moved in a flanking manoeuvre towards the position, leaving a single bot behind guarding the door. 

_Damn._

The bots were programmed to look like a variety of species. The one left was a salarian that reminded her a little of Tann. Ryder steeled herself. Her right hand held ready. There was no help for it, she had to rush it. Ryder deployed her omni-blade. The bot didn’t miss the faint buzz of the omni-blade extending. But it was too late. Two quick strikes, precisely at the back of the neck between the armour joints. The bot was down. Ryder smirked for a second, relishing the victory before quickly ducking through the door to the next room. 

Once through, she could see the flag. It was merely a button on a pedestal. And it was right smack in the middle of the room. 

_It’s like someone has been watching too many Blasto movies._  

Ryder refrained from rolling her eyes. Her goal was within sight. Her mouth dry with the taste of sweet victory on her tongue. 

_Don’t count your chicks before they hatch._

Yes, her damn reasonable brain was back at it. Ryder pressed against the wall and crept along, doing a circuit of the room. As she rounded a corner, her eyes snagged something. “What the fuck,” Ryder cursed as she backtracked, sliding her back against cover again. 

Just next to the button, her end goal, were a pair of angara children tied up and unconscious. They looked real, more so than the bots programmed to look like the different species. They didn’t have the shimmer orange glow of the VI-bots. _Are they real?_

What the fuck was expected of her? The mission parameters was clear. Capture flag and get her ass out. Nobody said anything about hostages. Still, it was not an unfamiliar situation. 

_Hi, shit, meet fan._

“Fuck you, shit,” she whispered under her breath. “And fuck you, mission parameters.”

Ryder glanced around at the multiple cameras mounted throughout the high ceiling pre-fab. “I hope you’re all watching carefully. You and your fucked up scenario.” 

Her plan shifted as she took in the change. The kids were her priority now, the flag was secondary. She pulled the scope off her sniper rifle. With a scope to her eye, Ryder saw tiny black charges placed around the kids. With the way their lights flashed, she figured by slamming down on the button, she would be blowing up the kids. 

_This is so fucked up._

No, no. That’s not acceptable. It wasn’t when she saved the Moshae, it wouldn’t be now. Real kids or not was irrelevant. Still, she had to get close to free them. Her eyes scanned the perimeter around the children, there were sensors placed about them. Ryder chewed on her lip as she ran ideas through her head. 

She hummed as she watched the bots’ patrol routes. There was still no fixed pattern. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe the examiners were just trying to hurry her along, Ryder had no clue. The faint buzz of bots edged into her hearing. Ryder glanced over her shoulder. “Damn,” she cursed at the sight of a pair. Their bodies flashed red as soon as they detected her. 

_Move, move, move!_

Ryder ran towards the kids, there was no chance for subterfuge, not anymore. Her shotgun bucked in her arms as she pulled the trigger, disabling the pair behind her but that alerted the others. A fresh pair of bots took a defensive stance in front of the hostages while another pair diverted to flank her. Ryder couldn’t keep her eyes on all of them. 

Her focus was wholly on the hostages, the very real, very living angara children. _Did they really use real kids? They must be dolls, right? Heskaarl isn’t crazy right?_

One of the child stirred, his eyes open and found hers. The kid turned to the still unconscious younger girl next to him. Ryder saw the helplessness, the fear, the quivering lower lip. A bloody floor and aching arms flashed across Ryder’s mind. She flinched and blinked hard. 

_No, fuck this shit. No biotics my ass._

Throwing caution to the wind, Ryder threw a Shield over the pair, while she fired directly into the bots blocking her way. Her armour took the brunt of the returning fire as she prioritised speed over safety. Two shots and two disabled bots later, Ryder’s hands worked to reload an unfamiliar weapon. Her shoulder pressed against the remaining barrier separating her and the kids. She risked a peek behind her, bullets flew in her direction as soon as her helmet raised above the barrier. 

_Fuck. Come on. We can’t stay here._

The boy was trying to shake the girl awake. His frills flushed a deep purple as his face twisted with fierce determination. Ryder was no longer seeing angara children instead in their place she saw herself and Scott. With a growl and a shake of her head, she banished that image from her eyes.

_Focus, bitch!_

Ryder raised her shotgun and fired haphazardly as she inched closer. She had speed on her side and nothing else. There would be no backup, no reinforcements. She was it. Ryder stowed her shotgun on her back. In a single smooth motion, she activated an omni-grenade and stood up. Her eyes found the nearest bot creeping up on her flank. Ryder threw it. Without waiting to see if she was successful, Ryder breached the perimeter. An alarm started blaring.

_No quiet exit for me._

Her arms scooped the girl with her left arm, leaving her omni-blade free. “Climb up my back,” she instructed the boy. 

The boy was impossibly young. No older than when she manifested her biotics, too young. Naturally, the kid hesitated. Ryder jerked her head to see the bots she didn’t clear up from the previous sections swarming towards her position. They were horribly exposed Shield or no Shield. “Hurry up!” she barked. 

There was no time to be gentle. She couldn’t afford it. Shifting the unconscious girl to her right arm, her prothesis flashed out and grabbed the boy. He shied away, baring his teeth at her. “Fuck this shit,” she growled, ignoring his obvious fear, she lunged and dragged him to her side. 

“Do you want to live? Be still and hang on if you want to live!” 

The boy seemed suitably cowed though he was angry at the same time. “Hang on!” she shouted as she boosted the boy to her back. A pair of small hands wrapped around her neck, uncomfortably tight, but she’d take that over leaving the kid to die. Her left hand now free, snatched the charges up. 

In the surge of adrenaline and the urgent need to move, Ryder’s brain didn’t even thought to panic. She didn't know but a crack deep and abiding snaked its way across the surface of the barbed pearl she carried. 

Ryder kept the Shield up, throwing more layers over the kids. Her legs shook under the additional weight, taking her to the button was. The original objective of the mission was the furthest thing in her mind but Ryder was never one to let an opportunity to pass her by. 

She took cover behind the pedestal and set the girl down. “What are you doing?” the boy asked. 

Ryder ignored him in favour of examining the explosive charges. “Yes!” she hissed in triumph.

The boy watched curiously as she tapped at her omni-tool frantically. “Thank fuck for the lessons!” she muttered. 

Ryder didn’t bother explaining herself. Her arm pulled the girl back against her side, she turned and jerked her head at the boy. He didn’t need any further prompting and hoping up her back. Once his arms were tight around her neck, Ryder stood. 

There was no hesitation. Her eyes looked for the exit. It was on the other end of the section. The red holo-lock glowing invitingly at her. “I hope this works,” she whispered. 

Ryder slammed her fist against the button. The holo-lock instantly turned green. 

“Oh fucking yes!”

The charges in her hand were armed as she expected but Ryder had hacked a delay timer into its programming. She wasn’t skilled enough to do more than a shitty job at it. With a quick jerk of her arm, she Pulled. The bots without anything to anchor them and not programmed to handle her biotics were rapidly dragged to the centre of the space. Ryder wind her arm back and launched the charges right into the swarm of bots. 

She didn’t wait. The resulting blast would be too dangerous for the kids. She booked it. Her legs lunged towards the door. The charges weren't on a long delay. She didn’t want the bots to escape her Pull and attack from the back. 

The bots buzzed and vibrated an angry red at her. Bullets were still flying in their direction. Her lungs screamed for air. Her arm ached as she pressed the girl closer to her, the other arm moving around the boy protectively. The air burnt with the ozone of her biotics. Her amp buzzed. Then her ears caught it. The charges emitted a high pitched countdown. Finally ending with a long beep that was abruptly truncated.  

Ryder was close, so close to the exit. Her hand out stretched, her fingertips almost grazing the edges of the lock. Then, air was punched out of her lungs as a bot slammed into her. Ryder fell heavily, curling her body over the kids. Her armour absorbed the brunt of the blow though her lungs didn’t appreciate it. She got to her feet instantly, Shields up, a shotgun in her hands. 

Her shotgun boomed, the boy screamed as he clapped his hands over the girl. Ryder winced but there as no help for it. She advanced and fired again. Ryder huffed, relieved, sure the bot was disabled. 

Then, a scream burnt her relief to ashes in her mouth. A pair of bots were firing on the kids. “Fuck!” 

Her eyes darted to the exit. Ryder was mere inches away. All she needed was to press her palm on the lock and her test would be completed. The kids be damned.

_Fuck, no!_  

Ryder gritted her teeth and growled. Her hand slammed against the holo-lock. The door opened. Instead of stepping through and ending the simulation, Ryder Charged back towards the kids. Her omni-blade out as she impaled the first bot. Ryder jerked her head away as the bot exploded. The heat catching her face and shoulder. 

“Go!” she shouted. 

The boy stared at her, eyes wide and teary. 

Ryder frowned. She didn’t have the time physically haul their asses past the threshold. Her shotgun coming up and fired at the second one. The bot dodged and pressed towards the kids. Ryder launched herself against the bot. 

“Go!” The angry buzz of more bots grew louder.

Ryder slammed the butt of her shotgun repeatedly against the bot when it clicked empty. With a grunt of frustration, she threw her shotgun at the oncoming bots. It bounced off the first bot uselessly. Ryder pulled the sniper rifle off her back. At this range, there was no need to aim. The buzz were like a swarm of files descending on her and the kids on all sides. There were just too many. 

Ryder widened her stance and pressed the rifle’s butt against her shoulder like Jaal taught her to. She took a deep breath and started squeezing the trigger. Each kickback harder than the last, her shoulder ached. The old scar along her collarbone flared with pain. 

“Go! go! go!”

Ryder backed up towards the door, her Shield still shimmered solidly over the kids as the boy pulled the girl into his arms. The going was slow. He didn’t have the strength to carry her dead weight. 

Ryder’s sniper rifle clicked empty as well. “Fuck,” she yelled. 

She threw the rifle to the floor. Her arms swung down, her hands grabbed each child by the neck of their shirts. With a jerk, she lifted both off the floor. Her amp flared white hot against her neck as more and more bullets slammed into her Shield. 

The open door, just right there. Her thighs burnt with the effort, her lungs heaved for air, her arms strained, her stump ached horribly. 

_So fucking close._

Then, a bullet slammed into her calf. Ryder fell heavily. She acted on instinct and threw the kids towards the door. Rolling to her feet, her left leg trembled and buckled under her weight. 

Blood was pounding in her head. Adrenaline surged through her veins. The bots were shimmering in her vision, flickering between kett and Roekaar. “No, no, no,” she growled. “Not fucking now.”

Ryder didn’t work so hard to allow the past to keep their claws in her. Her objective remained unchanged. With the exit was so near, she didn’t bother with a Shield. Ryder didn’t care how undignified it looked. She wanted to be done with this. 

Dragging her bleeding leg behind her, Ryder part crawled, part rolled and part tumbled her way through the exit. The moment she was through, the door slid shut. Bullets clinked against the other side of the door. She lay on the snowy grounds panting, blood staining the white snow red. The cold air stung her sweaty face when she managed to pull her helmet off. 

“Fuck…”

Then hands started to drag her across the snow. A voice shouted. “Medic!” 

Ryder batted the hands away, pushing herself into a sitting position. “Where?” she asked, her eyes scanning the landscape. 

Everyone else were there. Gavis was pulling a blade out to widen the gash in her leather pants while Jaal was opening a pack of medi-gel. Andraknor was rushing over with Avfae. 

He was livid, yellow eyes burning with anger. “What the hell were you thinking?” he all but shouted. 

Ryder frowned, her hands pushing Gavis’ and Jaal’s ministrations away. She got to her feet, holding onto Jaal’s arm for support. 

“Those were bots, not actual hostages,” Andraknor growled. 

Only the hollow howl of wind whipped through the space between them. Ryder stared at Andraknor, confused at his anger. Her own raising to match his. 

“Those were dummies. They are there to test your ability to change your plan when encountering something unexpected. Maybe you try to rescue the dummy hostages but not by blowing up the facility, not by destroying the bots.”

Ryder ignored Andraknor, her eyes scanned the grounds for the kids. She couldn’t find them but not far from the exit. There were two plain white dummies in the same rough shape and size of the children. Her breath harsh as she tried to calm down. The cold settling in on her muscles, stiffening her up. Her eyes trained on the white dummies, she blinked. Her brain was having trouble reconciling the children she saw with the dummies on the ground. The boy’s fear and anger felt real, their weight in her arms felt real. They were real. 

“What were you thinking? The bots were set to lethal attacks!”

Andraknor’s voice wrenched her attention back to him. Jaal’s hand settled on her arm to steady her. At the same time, his grip tightened when he felt her stiffened at Andraknor’s words, sensing the rage threatening to spew forth. 

“You set up the scenario with hostages, you cannot honestly expect anyone to let them die,” she countered. “I saw children, angara children.”

Ryder swallowed, forcing a lid on her temper. “Sir,” she added as if suddenly remembering who she was speaking to. 

Her jaw twitched, her anger hammered against her closed lips. Ryder knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her mouth shut if she hung around to be berated. She turned to go. Her first step almost ended with her falling back into the snow. Jaal braced her waist and helped her as she limped away, leaving a trail of blood in her wake. 

* * *

Andraknor glared at the back of the infuriating human. He had half a mind to throw her out of training on the spot. She broke the rule after all. No biotics. _Ancestors, how did Evfra deal with this human?_

He turned on his heel and left. His quick strides took him half way across the base towards his cabin. His anger making his bio-electricity sparking when he slammed his hand against the holo-lock. The door creaked a little in protest. With a snort of disgust, he forced himself to let his anger go. Deep breaths of cold Voeld air infused his lungs, and it purged him of the fury. 

Andraknor spent the entire day reviewing the recordings of the recruits with Nad and Avfae. They all scored and discussed their views of each individual recruit. Some were unanimously approved to move onto the next level while others took some back and forth to decide one way or the other. They were going in the order the recruits ran through the scenario. Eventually, they got to the last one. 

“Sara Ryder,” his colleague said as he cued up the video. 

The three of them watched in silence. All of them jotting down notes. Her run took longer than anyone else’s. At the same time, she was the only one who succeeded in both rescuing the hostages and completing the mission objective. Most of the others choose one or the other and succeeded and failed in equal measure. There wasn’t a correct decision to begin with. Andraknor and the others were looking for a decisive decision and execution of a well thought out plan even with unexpected elements thrown in. He never expected Ryder to attempt both, let alone succeed. With the bots set to lethal mode, it was a crazy risk to take for dummy children. 

“Ryder is an automatic fail for me,” Avfae said. 

“Same for me,” Nad said. “She used her biotics even though she was explicitly told not to.”

Andraknor pursed his lips. He tapped and allowed the video to replay the final ten minutes of the footage in double speed. His eyes focused on Ryder’s use of her biotics. His eyes narrowed when it hit him. 

“Andraknor?” his colleague asked. “Do you concur?”

“No.”

“No?” 

“Look, bear with me,” he said. “This isn’t the first time Ryder broke the rules. You remember back during level one, she helped her fellow recruit, Gavis if I am not wrong.”

The other two nodded. “Her actions spurred the others to do the same, forcing us to overlook everyone else’s actions.”

They nodded. “Now, look,” Andraknor pointed at the screen. “Notice, she only used her biotics to protect the hostages. She could have easily used her biotics offensively. Both of you have seen how good her offensive biotics are.”

Avfae snorted. “Yes, I remember that well, recruit Torshen probably regretted his decision too.”

Nad frowned. “What’s your point?”

“In a real mission, do you use every tool you have? Or do you just use what you brought along with you?”

Nad nodded, seeing where Andraknor was going. “You’re saying to ask her to avoid using her biotics was not realistic to begin with.”

“Yes,” Andraknor said. “She tried to keep to the rules, but she only deployed them to protect the hostages. Her main goal was to rescue the hostages and used the primary objective to further her motive despite the odds.”

Nad and Avfae were nodding along. “This is why she is the Spear,” Nad said.

Avfae grinned. “There is no doubt about it.”

“So Sara Ryder,” Andraknor said. “Makes it through to the next level?”

“Yes,” both of them replied in unison. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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	72. Unwanted Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stop, stop.” 
> 
> Jaal’s voice jarred from her thoughts. She frowned at him. “What?” A challenge in her voice. 
> 
> “Come on, sit down,” he said gently, his hands leading her back to her bed. 
> 
> Ryder allowed herself be led but her feet was still stiff and uncooperative. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ### Start Notes
> 
> Ok I don’t think I made it a secret that I still have plans for Ryder after Cetus is done. Let’s just say I’ve started work on it. It is horrible hard to write. Argh! 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/170851282244/music-used-in-the-cetus-arc)

“This sucks,” Ryder hissed, shivering as she lay on her stomach. The detached scope of a sniper rifle pressed to her eye. “Remind me why am I doing this?”

There was no reply because she was alone, out in the snow, cold and shivering. Ryder had not stopped muttering since she was saddled with lookout duty. 

* * *

Ryder’s head jerked up in surprise when she heard her name announced. Jaal looked at her, grinning. It was two days after her destructive run through Level Three’s final simulation. She wasn’t the only one destroying bots by accident, okay maybe not by accident, but she did destroyed more than most. Then there was Andraknor berating her, and she lost it with him. Ryder had fully expected to be thrown out on the spot. 

“What are you doing?” Jaal asked as he popped into the barracks. 

“Nothing,” she replied even as she was limping around her bunk, pushing clothes into her bag. 

Jaal sighed and entered. “How do you expect to heal when you insist on being on your feet?”

“I’ll have all the time I need when they send me back to…” Ryder’s words trailed off. 

_I don’t belong here._

It’s probably all too soon, she wasn’t ready. Maybe it was politics pulling the strings again. She didn’t earn this, just like she didn’t earn her position as Pathfinder. 

_Pathfinder. Shield of Meridian. The Bloody Blade. Spear of Justice. Which did I earn? Maybe only the Bloody Blade... everything else, isn’t mine._

“Stop, stop.” 

Jaal’s voice jarred from her thoughts. She frowned at him. “What?” A challenge in her voice. 

“Come on, sit down,” he said gently, his hands leading her back to her bed. 

Ryder allowed herself be led but her feet was still stiff and uncooperative. 

Jaal sat on her bed as he patted the space next to him invitingly. She sighed and sank down next to him. Her body pressed against his for a moment. Her hands twisting the shirt she had in her hands. Jaal shifted, so that he was kneeling in front of her. His eyes searching for hers but she avoided his gaze. Jaal took the folded shirt away from her with one hand. His other hand taking hold of her wrist, the touch gentle but firm. 

“Don’t do this to yourself.” 

Ryder opened her mouth to protest but Jaal shook his head. She snapped her mouth shut. He saw through her like an opened book. He always could do that. 

“You always do this. Over-thinking, worrying, putting yourself down,” he said as his hand tightened around hers. His bio-electricity saying more than what his words did. 

_Stay here, with me. Don’t go anywhere else._

Ryder closed her eyes for a moment, using Jaal’s touch to slam the door shut on her doubts. When she opened her eyes, she found Jaal’s blue ones peering at her. Ryder gave him a small smile. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaal said. “Now, let’s put all of these back where they belong.”

* * *

Sik didn’t make the cut. She was sent packing with four others. With only an hour to say their goodbyes, tears and hugs were exchanged. Sik’s arms were tight around her shoulders as she whispered, “It’s been an honour to have trained with you, Ryder.”

“Likewise, Sik.”

The angara broke the embrace. She waved as she boarded the shuttle. “We will share a drink when all of you are Heskaarl,” she called as the door closed. 

All that was a week ago. 15 recruits was whittled down to 10. Ryder shook her head, how big was the regular graduating class anyway?

Level Four was all about leadership training and tactical thinking. Their days were split between lessons led by Andraknor, studies of prominent battles between the angaras and kett. Ryder struggled to keep her eyes open for the boring parts. After that were practical lessons where what was taught was put into actual use. Ryder looked forward to those. 

They stood in a single file, waiting. Andraknor eyed them as he paced the length. “As you know,” he said. “We’re not just teaching you theories, you’re here to put it into practise as well.”

Andraknor completed a circuit and his boots scuffed, crunching the stray bits of ice and snow underfoot, as he did a smart about turn. “To that end,” he said, his eyes raking down the length of the assembled. “We’re splitting the ten of you into two squads.”

Nad and Avfae stepped away, both of them with datapads in their hands. Nad spoke first. “As I call your names out please join the respective person who called out your names.”

One by one, names were called, and they joined Nad or Avfae’s side, respectively. Eventually it was only Jaal and Ryder standing by themselves without a squad to call their own. By Nad’s side stood Falehe, Gavis, Nafav and one other, while Avfae had Torshen and Dagar with two others. 

Ryder exchanged a glance with Jaal. He looked resigned and more than a little apprehensive. 

“Jaal Ama Darav,” Nad called. 

Ryder’s heart sank. That meant she was in the same team with Torshen and Dagar. She couldn’t miss the knowing nudge the pair was exchanging. 

_Oh fuck…_

It must be her very bad luck, right? She couldn’t help glancing at Andraknor. His yellow eyes were looking back, evaluating her. Ryder bit back her sigh. That was all the answer she needed.  

_This must be a deliberate choice. This must be the punishment for all the destroyed bots._  

Well, it was what it was. Ryder straightened her spine. If she could work with Tann and Sloane, who were Torshen and Dagar? They were almost harmless in comparison. She walked over and joined Avfae. Her eyes meeting Jaal’s from across the space. 

Jaal’s concern was written all over his face. Ryder shook her head gently, rolling her eyes for effect. He bit on his lip to keep from laughing. 

* * *

That was all well and good. Ryder sighed and rubbed her palms together. Her fingers were numb despite the thick fabric covering them. Her hair fluttering all over, covering her eyes. She growled and brushed them aside. 

“Why don’t our helmets come equipped with a scope?” she asked out loud. 

Still no answer. She was alone. Torshen was in charge for the team this time. Another day, another war game against the other squad. Thus far, they were content to keep her as far away from the action as possible. It was boring as hell and Ryder was sure this affected her performance in the eyes of their instructors. 

Movement caught her attention. From her vantage point with the help of the scope, she could see Torshen leading the four others towards the pre-fab Jaal’s team was holed up in. 

“Don’t take the frontal approach,” Ryder muttered under her breath. 

The angaras were all no taller than her pinkie from this distance. Torshen and the others halted behind cover. Then they split up into pairs. “Yes, now send one team towards the back while you distract from the front,” she said, her words disappearing into the wind. 

No, Torshen had other ideas. He had the second team hang back while he and Dagar headed towards the entrance. Ryder watched, biting her lip, helpless to do anything. 

The red holo-lock quickly switched to green. Dagar went in first. Torshen turned and signalled for the second pair to follow while he hung back. For a while nothing happened, Ryder was too far to see what’s going on inside. She tapped her finger on her sniper rifle’s stock impatiently. 

“Just hurry up and win or lose this thing,” Ryder muttered. 

Two shadows peeled from an outcropping of rocks near the pre-fab and started heading towards Torshen. Ryder tapped her omni-tool and keyed it to Torshen’s private channel. “Torshen, the opposition is on your rear,” she said. 

There was no acknowledgement, not from Torshen. There was nothing but silence. Ryder frowned. _What the fuck?_

“Torshen,” she called. “Do you hear me?”

The tiny figure standing ready at the threshold of the pre-fab made no move whatsoever. Ryder quickly tapped over to the seldom used general comm channel. “Dagar, Torshen, you’re being surrounded!”

There was no response from Dagar, not from anyone. “Fuck!” she cursed as she stabbed at her omni-tool. Ryder pushed herself to her feet, one hand grabbing her rifle, the other her helmet, and started running. There was no way she would be of any use at this range. Armed with a sniper rifle she was competent with, the range and wind speed made her essentially useless. And a warning shot was only going to be lost to the winds. 

Her legs protested being put back to work without any warm up. Ryder powered through. She wouldn’t allow her squad to lose because of faulty equipment. Ryder eyed the height. Without jump jets, she couldn’t leap off the bluff. 

Andraknor’s voice echoed in her head. “No biotics.” 

Ryder sighed. His yellow eyes narrowed. “Do not think for a moment you being the Spear of Justice makes you immune from censure for rule breaking.”

She shook her head and replied, “No, sir. Never, sir.”

“See that you stick to the rules this time,” Andraknor said, with a wry smile. 

_No biotics. No biotics. Why don’t they tell the angaras not to be so tall?_

Ryder’s boots thumped down the path. She skidded against the snow, slipping between dried brushes, twisted her face so that she wouldn’t be slapped by these thorny angara vegetation. Planting her boot down on an icy patch made her went sprawling, but she kept her grip on her rifle. Her helmet went skittering away down the bluff. It didn’t slow her down. Ryder got herself to a lower elevation, a range would make her marginally more useful to her squad. 

Her hands slid the scope back onto her rifle. Freezing air stinging her throat as she panted, Ryder pressed the scope to her eye. “Come on, come on,” she muttered. “Where the hell are you now?”

Ryder tried was her comms again. No luck. Silence as if her omni-tool was dead but strangely everything else still worked fine. Torshen had entered the pre-fab, the door now shut behind him. Her scope hunting for the pair from Jaal’s team. A flash of black against the snow caught her eye. “Yes!” 

War games were effectively a game of laser tag. Everyone had magazines of actual bullets since they were out in the wilds of Voeld after all. But for the purposes of the war game, nobody was interested in getting headshot by a fellow recruit. Their omni-tools were synced up to a network which would track who was "dead" and who was "alive". The range wasn’t ideal but still she would be more likely to hit what she was aiming for. Ryder lifted the scope to her eye again and put one helmeted angara head between her crosshairs. 

She paused. Ryder recognised the pair. It was Falehe and Gavis. Her jaw twitched. Even playing war games, putting the head of someone she knew between the crosshairs felt really wrong. 

_This isn’t real. This isn’t real._

Her heart rate wasn’t convinced as it thudded faster and faster. _No, no. no. I will not be having a panic attack here._ Ryder took a deep breath and closed her eyes, centring herself with the stinging cold she felt on her face, she sniffed so that her snot wouldn’t dry outside of her face. Eventually the feeling passed, Ryder’s eyes snapped open. 

She still had a fucking job to do. 

Gavis was tapping on his omni-tool next to the door. Ryder put the scope back against her eye. The moment she squeezed the trigger, Gavis’ omni-tool beeped and glowed red, signalling that he was dead. She smirked a little seeing how he threw his hands in the air in frustration. Falehe, on the other hand, rushed over to the door to finish what Gavis had started. Before Ryder could fire, the holo-lock turned red. 

“What the fuck?”

Ryder didn’t wait to figure out what was going on, she fired again. But this time she missed, Falehe was ready. The angara had her own rifle trained on Ryder’s position, firing. Ryder scrambled back into cover and made her way down the bluff. 

It didn’t take long. Ryder was back on ground level, she stowed her sniper rifle back on her back and drew her assault rifle instead. The smaller weapon felt so much better in her hands. Revitalised, she crept towards the pre-fab, taking a circuitous route. The lack of contact from Torshen was more than worrying. Ryder pushed it out of her mind, there was nothing she could do now. 

Falehe had shifted by the time Ryder got into position but she made the same mistaken Torshen did. Her rear was wide open. Ryder aimed at her torso and fired. 

She turned to the pre-fab, leaving Falehe and Gavis to get themselves back to base as was the routine for all recruits who were “killed in action”. Ryder pulled the hacking program Jaal had installed on her omni-tool and deployed it. She waited. 30 seconds later, the double doors slid open silently. 

Ryder tightened her grip on her rifle and stepped in. There was no sign of disturbance. Other than the snow that Torshen and the others tracked in, there was no other sign. Ryder had an odd feeling about all this. 

_Quiet, too fucking quiet._

Ryder knew Jaal. Jaal wouldn’t get his squad trapped inside a pre-fab, if he was in charge today. The fact Gavis and Falehe were sent out to lock the doors behind Torshen was proof enough that there was some plan in motion. Ryder cleared the main area. Deeper inside, she found a huge set of double blast doors. 

“What was this pre-fab for?” she said in awe, her eyes searching for some way to get the doors open. 

A burst of static blasted from her omni-tool. Torshen’s voice came through loud and clear. “Ryder!” he shouted. “Get your ass down that ancestors blasted hill!”

“Torshen! Where the fuck are you?” she hissed into her omni-tool, scrambling towards the controls she found. 

There was no answer. All Ryder could hear were laboured breathing. Ryder gave up trying to get an answer from him. She turned to the controls instead. One look at them, it was clear they were kett in origin. Her omni-tool made quick work of translating the glyphs on the controls. Eventually, the door rumbled opened.

A roar shook the entire place. It was a familiar noise, too familiar. Ryder hadn't forgotten that roar. She rushed towards the noise and found Torshen, Dagar, Jaal, Nafav and the others firing at an Ancient Eiroch.

“What the hell!” she shouted. “This isn’t part of the war games I fucking hope.”

“Shut up and shoot, vesagara,” Torshen growled. 

_It must not be very serious if he still had the time to insult me._  

Ryder didn’t bother with Torshen, instead she turned to Jaal. “Report,” she barked. 

Jaal fell back into the routine they had on the Tempest. “It’s my intention to trap your squad here. We didn’t count on him leaving you out there,” he said.

Ryder gestured for Jaal to keep it short. Her rifle barked as she fired at the Eiroch. 

“Right, so the Eiroch was frozen here for who knew how long, one of your guys triggered something that thawed the beast. And it’s very angry,” Jaal said. “I’m sure, it’s hungry and wants to eat us.”

Ryder smiled slightly at his irreverence that wasn't Jaal’s usual style. Something must have happened while they were fighting the Eiroch. Torshen glared at them, but neither of them cared enough to address it. 

“Where’s your other guy?” she asked. 

“Taken out by your team. On the way back to base camp, missing this entire thing.”

Ryder nodded. “So it’s just the seven of us?”

“Are you two done flirting? We got to get out of here,” Torshen growled. 

Dagar crackled behind him. “Yeah, just us,” Jaal replied, talking over Torshen. 

“What’s the ammo situation?” 

“Not good.”

_Fuck._  

Torshen growled, “Enough talk, rest of you, charge the Eiroch. Dagar will flank the beast and we will take him down. Glory to the one who takes down the beast.”

Ryder spun, her eyes widened, fling an arm out to grab Torshen’s arm. “No! We don’t have enough ammo to take it down. This place is too tight to avoid the Eiroch.”

Torshen wrenched his arm back. “Sit and cower like all the cravens you vesagara are,” he shot back and joined Dagar rushing the eiroch. 

_Fuck, how blind can he get?_  

The other two hesitated, their eyes on Ryder, waiting for her cue. “Retreat,” she said, pointing the way she came. “Cover us but prepare to fall back.”

They nodded. Jaal was already issuing orders of his own to Nafav. “Get over to the controls and stand by. I need this door shut when the time comes.”

Ryder pulled her sniper rifle off her back and tossed it over to Jaal. “You can make better use of it than I,” she said. “Cover us.” 

She turned back to the Ancient Eiroch and ran after Torshen. 

* * *

Their bullets were doing nothing but to irritable the Eiroch, barely making an impact against its hardened plates. Enraged, it rampaged about wildly, its claws digging deep gorges into the floor. The wild swings of its tree trunk sized arms threw one ton crates that lay about like they were made of paper. 

Dagar crept towards the Eiroch, hoping to get a good shot of the Eiroch's face with her rifle. Torshen kept up his barrage of fire in a bid to distract the beast. Ryder joined him. Jaal found a higher perch and pretty soon the methodical boom from his sniper rifle punctuated the air. Ryder's breath caught in her throat as she watched Dagar inched closer and closer. 

_Could this work?_

As much as Ryder wanted to believe the Eiroch was nothing but a dumb beast, the snarl that she saw on the Eiroch's face chilled her. It cocked its head, looking at Dagar out of its peripheral vision. 

_Shit._

"Dagar!"

Everything happened too quickly. With a single powerful swipe, a crate was lifted and flung towards the angara. Dagar screamed as the crate crashed into her. She struggled, but the crate had pinned her. 

“Dagar!” Torshen cried. 

The Eiroch bared its teeth, spit flying everywhere as it roared. It reared up on its hind legs. Ryder knew what was going to happen, she had faced an Eiroch charge once before, but she had a hover bike to help her then. Now she had nothing. 

Torshen fired at the Eiroch hoping to distract it. It was not working. The Eiroch thumped down onto its feet and kicked off. Dagar squeezed her eyes shut and braced. 

Ryder moved faster than she thought possible. She was the blue streak flashing across. Her boots skidded as she stopped next to the crate pinning Dagar down. With a wave of her hand, multiple layers of Shield formed to envelope her and Dagar. The Eiroch roared as it charged. Ryder screamed her defiance. 

There was a loud crash as the Eiroch threw itself against her Shield. The ground rumbled. 

Ryder grunted, sweat beading across her forehead. There was no way she could hold against an Eiroch for long. “Dagar!” she barked, jarring the angara. 

Dagar snapped her eyes open and stared at Ryder. “Look out!” she screamed as the Eiroch came back for a second pass, clawing at Ryder’s shield. Layers of Shield fizzled and disappeared as Ryder grimaced and re-focused on the Shield. 

“Can you get out from under that?” Ryder asked, panting. 

Torshen finally got an opening and reached them. Ryder could feel Torshen’s eyes on her back but she kept her eyes locked on the pacing beast. It was lingering just a metre or two beyond her Shield. Dagar screamed, her arm gripping Torshen's. “I can’t… My leg…”

“Ok here’s what we’re going to do,” Ryder gasped as the Eiroch raked its claws against her Shield. 

The blue barrier was already waning and her amp burning hot. “I’m going to lift the crate but you have to be quick,” she said. 

“No, you listen to me,” Torshen growled.

Then, there was a slap. Ryder risked a quick glance behind her. Torshen had a hand held against his check, looking utterly dumbfounded at Dagar. 

“Ancestors! Listen to Ryder! Can you lift this crate yourself?” she screamed. “I have no wish to die because you’re too stubborn!”

Ryder kept her mouth shut. The Eiroch frustrated, was now starting to use the other crates as projectiles. “Guys, I can’t do this forever,” she said. “It’s now or never.”

“Fine,” Torshen spat as if agreement tasted foul in his mouth.

“Right, on three,” Ryder said. 

“One.”

The Eiroch dragged its claws against another crate. The crate screeched as it was dragged against the floor. It howled as it whipped the crate through the air.

“Two.”

The crate impacted against her Shield, sending jolts of pain up her neck into her head, jarring her teeth. 

“Three!”

Ryder dropped the Shield and put all her strength into Pulling the crate. It was way heavier than anything she had attempted. Pressure mounted inside her head as she grunted with the effort. The crate shifted, just a little, but that’s all Torshen needed. He dragged Dagar screaming and crying from under it. 

“Go!” Torshen shouted. 

The Eiroch cast an eye on the fleeing pair. Its head snapped back as a sniper rifle round slammed into the side of its head. The Eiroch listed towards the side and shook its head. Jaal stood up, his hand slamming a fresh magazine into the rifle. He leapt off his perch, quickly making his way over to Torshen and Dagar. Without a word, Jaal pulled Dagar's other arm over his shoulder. And the three were running as quickly as they could. With a growl, Eiroch swung his head around to glare at Torshen and Dagar. Ryder sent a Lance right at the Eiroch, firing her rifle to add insult to injury.

_Oh fuck no you don’t!_  

The Eiroch roared its displeasure. Its eye now a bleeding hole. It directed its baleful glare at her instead, Torshen and Dagar no longer as interesting. 

_Time to go._

Ryder beat a hasty retreat. Jaal, Torshen and Dagar were reaching the blast doors, Nafav's hand was already hovering over the controls. The ground shook at the Eiroch was hot on her heels. 

“Close the doors!” she screamed. 

Nafav smashed his hand down on the controls. Jaal turned to look at her, making sure she was right behind him. “Go!” she shouted.

The trio made it through the doors easily with room to spare. Ryder ran faster, harder. Jaal’s startling blue eyes were the only thing she focused on. The fear, the concern, the helplessness were clear in them. 

_200m_

The door were closing slowly, too slowly. 

_100m_

Her lungs burnt with every breath she took. Legs pumping, muscles screaming, amp searing. 

_50m_

She held her biotics at the ready for a Charge, the Eiroch's hot breath chasing her.

_25m_

With a burst of speed. Ryder Charged but the Eiroch’s reach was longer. It felt like a wall smashing into her back as claws raked across her back. Ryder was forcibly pushed froward. With hands over her head, she braced for impact. 

Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	73. Unexpected Bliss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on,” Ryder said pulling his arm over her shoulder, bolstering him up a little with her biotics. 
> 
> “Let go of me, you filthy vesagara,” Torshen growled, pulling his arm away, and giving her a hard shove. 
> 
> Ryder fell. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she shouted, patience was at a premium. She winced as she got back on her feet, a slow trickle of something wet ran down her spine. 
> 
> “Would you rather crawl your way up the slope? Or would you rather die out here?” Ryder demanded, striding towards Torshen. “Tell me what the fuck do you want?”
> 
> Torshen was silent, he kept his eyes turned away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger from the last chapter but here is the resolution. We’re close, so close! 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! All spelling and grammatical mistakes are still my own. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI) —> now a Youtube playlist

Ryder groaned and opened her eyes. She flinched as she caught sight of the still charging Eiroch through the closing gap between the blast doors. Its sharp claws reaching, scratching and tearing at the gap. With a resolute clank, the doors shut, sealing the Eiroch behind them. She sighed, adrenaline leaving her jittery even as her head pounded. Sagging back, Ryder realised she was leaning against something softer than the hard floor she was expecting. She turned only to find Jaal unconscious underneath her. 

“Jaal!”

Ryder had collided with Jaal when she was flung through the doors. The back of her head connecting against his mouth. His teeth cutting a gash on her scalp while her head gave him a fat lip and managing to knock him out. 

The ragtag team of seven were trudging through the snow heading back towards base camp but it was slow going, especially with Jaal dizzy, Dagar's leg broken and Torshen's large gash on his leg. Ryder had escaped lightly all things considered. The Eiroch’s claws raking across her back was mostly stopped by her leather armour. Well, mostly, since she felt sore everywhere and what must be blood flowing down her back. With the two from her team keeping an eye on their rear, everyone else had to labour on as best as they could.

“Can you walk on your own?” Ryder asked. 

Jaal nodded and winced. “Your head is hard,” he groaned, pressing a hand against the swelling lump. 

“You make a good cushion,” she said, “Though you could stand to be a little softer.”

“Better me than the floor,” Jaal pointed out, his eyes opening to meet hers. “You weren’t wearing your helmet.”

Ryder snorted. "If I was, you’d have no teeth."

Jaal straightened and wavered slightly on his feet, putting a hand into his mouth to test his teeth. "You know, they are a little wobbly." 

Ryder chuckled, but she kept her hands on him just in case his knees decided to buckle. “I’m good,” he said, groaning a little. “Maybe not.”

“Nafav, you take Jaal,” she said. “Your heights match better. I’ll take Dagar.”

Nafav was quick to pull Jaal’s arm over his shoulder as Ryder walked over to Torshen and Dagar. Torshen was leaving a trail of blood all the way from the pre-fab. Ryder pulled a medigel pack and waved it in his direction. “Come on, we need to tend to your wound.”

“I’m fine,” he growled, walking away stubbornly while he was half supporting Dagar. 

“Stop, Torshen,” Dagar hissed. “You stubborn fool. Do you want your blood to attract more predators? Why can’t you accept some help? Are you blind? Did you not see her put herself between me and death? Did she not put us above herself?”

“She is the Bloody Blade!” 

Ryder sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. Her headache intensifying as the pair went back and forth, spitting, growling and hissing like a pair of cats. With her arms wrapped around herself, she shivered, too tired to stop them. Then, something blue was thrusted into her face. Ryder jerked and winced as her back protested. 

“Take it,” Jaal said. 

Jaal had his rofjinn in her face. “You look cold,” he said. 

"I am cold!" Ryder replied as she took the rofjinn from Jaal. "You angaras are freakishly good as staying warm."

Ryder pulled the rofjinn over her head, it was still warm from his body. The material was soft and silky. And it retain heat surprisingly well. She sighed a little. Jaal watched, smiling despite how beat up they all looked. He jerked his thumb at the quarrelling pair. “Are you not going to do anything about them?” he asked. 

Ryder sighed. “Do I have do? I’m not technically the squad leader today,” she whined. 

“You’re the Spear,” Nafav pointed out.  


“What does that even mean?” Ryder threw her hands into the air but turned towards the pair, catching the end of their argument. 

“Hold on to your prejudices if you want, Torshen. I want nothing to do with you,” Dagar shouted, shoving Torshen away. 

Torshen’s leg buckled. Dagar was falling towards the ground, bad leg instinctively moving out to break her fall. Just the slightest movement was enough to drag a cry from Dagar. It was a lance that pierced the cold air.

_Oh fuck._

Ryder rushed over and managed to break Dagar’s fall gently with her biotics, while Torshen groaned as he fell heavily onto the snow. The angara’s face was ashen, her skin cold and clammy. Gingerly, Ryder helped Dagar to sit down on the snow. It wasn’t ideal, but they all had to make do. 

"Break your rifle down," Ryder said, waving a hand at Jaal and Nafav. 

With the barrel of the rifle being re-purposed as a make shift splint and a rofjinn sacrificed for bandages, Dagar was looking slightly better, especially with some medigel to numb the pain. 

Ryder turned to Torshen, he was bleeding all over the pristine white snow. Sighing, long and drawn out, she fished another pack out, her last.  
“Here!” she said as she tossed it.

The pack caught Torshen in the face before falling to his lap. His eyes blazed at her, anger and humiliation. “Use it,” she said, “Or not. I don’t care. I have neither the time nor energy to baby you.”

Ryder turned to Dagar. “Ready?”

She nodded. Slowly, they all made their way towards the base but it was clear they were not going to make it, not that day. 

* * *

Nafav scouted ahead, looking for a place where they could take shelter for the night. The other two still hung back, covering their rear. Jaal was feeling well enough to manage on his own while Ryder helped Dagar. Torshen lagged behind like an unwanted puppy. 

Ryder was sore all over by the time they got to the cave Nafav found. “You sure there isn’t another Eiroch hiding in the back?” she asked wryly. 

“No Eiroch,” Nafav answered with a grin, the only one with any energy to. “I’ve checked.”

Dagar sank down onto the ground with a groan. “Eat, drink, rest,” she said, looking the two others and Jaal who just came in. “We’ll get a move on as soon as it’s light out.”

“Now if only anyone’s omni-tool can actually reach someone on base.”

“You know Andraknor will probably tell us to suck it up,” Nafav pointed out. 

“Touché but I think we all could use a lift back to base now.”

Ryder glanced at Nafav and Jaal who were trying to make themselves comfortable on the hard ground, they passed nutrient paste packs and water around, sharing it with Dagar and the rest. Ryder took Jaal’s rofjinn off and handed it back to him. 

“Where are you going?” Jaal asked as she headed back out. 

“Torshen.” 

Ryder ducked back out into the cold. The snow falling heavily now. Ryder activated her prothesis’ lights and turned on her omni-tool. She was bathing in a mix of blue and orange, acting as a beacon for Torshen. 

Trekking back down the steep little mound that led up to the cave, she found him panting with his hands and knees on the snow. At least he was no longer leaving a bloody trail behind him. Ryder walked a little faster and got to his side. 

“Come on,” Ryder said pulling his arm over her shoulder, bolstering him up a little with her biotics. 

“Let go of me, you filthy vesagara,” Torshen growled, pulling his arm away, and giving her a hard shove. 

Ryder fell. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she shouted, patience was at a premium. She winced as she got back on her feet, a slow trickle of something wet ran down her spine. 

“Would you rather crawl your way up the slope? Or would you rather die out here?” Ryder demanded, striding towards Torshen. “Tell me what the fuck do you want?”

Torshen was silent, he kept his eyes turned away. 

“Why do I have to prove myself over and over again to people like you? There’s no convincing you. Nobody is ever going to be good enough I think. What about the current human Pathfinder? What do you think about her? Is she acceptable?”

No answer. Ryder wasn't surprised, rolling her eyes at him.

“Nobody is good enough I wager. Nobody but angaras are good enough. Are you sure you’re not a freaking Roekaar?”

Torshen’s chin jerked up at that accusation. “Got your attention now did I?” Ryder growled. “So what will it be? Should I leave you here to freeze?”

Torshen’s gaze hardened. For a split second Ryder wondered if taking this tack with him was precisely the wrong thing to say. She’ll admit that it was something she wanted to get off her chest for the longest time. It had been a long day, and she was already tired, irritable and in pain. Ryder didn’t need this. 

Torshen’s anger finally collapsed in on itself. With the fire extinguished, his shoulders slumped, his eyes grew teary. 

 _No._  

A sob escaped him clenched teeth as he turned away, planting his butt on the ground.

 _Fuck, I didn’t mean to make him cry._  

His breath hitched harder as he tried to stop crying. 

_What the fuck do I do now? Comfort him?_

“Ahhh…”  

“Shut up.” Torshen muttered. 

Ryder sank back onto the snow, grateful she was told to shut up. She didn't know what to say anyway. Torshen shifted away from her. They sat for a while. Torshen sniffing quietly as Ryder looked everywhere but at him. She was rapidly starting to feel cold again. 

“Hey, just a thought, maybe we want to head to the cave?” she ventured lightly. _You can continue crying in there for all I care._

Torshen kept his head turned away, but she caught something at the edge of her hearing. “What?” she asked, shivering as she considered the pros and cons of erecting a Shield against her and the elements. Her growling stomach convinced her otherwise. 

“I need help.”

_Fucking finally._

“Give me your arm,” Ryder said. 

It was awkward, but it was a start. Ryder didn’t come for Heskaarl training to make enemies. She had her fill of them. Perseus and the kett were more than enough to last her a lifetime. 

* * *

Ryder slept like the dead. She was tired, more sore than in pain. Her head still throbbed slightly, but it was no worse than a headache. No dreams dared disturb her rest. That was until the dull ache in her stump flared to a raging bonfire. Flames licked up her arm as electricity coursed through her nerves. With a gasp, Ryder jerked upright. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

In the excitement of the day, she had completely forgotten to take her pill. Ryder kept a small canister of medication on her during outfield training. Her eyes watered as she struggled to dig through the pouches sewn on her uniform. 

_Nothing._

Ryder stood, emptied her pockets and patted them down. 

_Nothing!_

Then, she stuck her hand into the pocket where it was supposed to be. It’s tight against her thigh but it was a gash right through it. The canister was gone. Ryder grimaced as another jolt of pain shot up her arm. 

_I can’t stay here. I’ll scream the roof down._

After months and months living without the agony, for it to come back was Ryder’s nightmare coming true. Curling over her left arm, she staggered towards the mouth of the cave. Teeth biting her lip to keep from giving voice to the pain, she wandered off a little way off before sinking into the snow. 

Ryder finally gave herself permission to groan out loud. Tears pricking at her eyes as she fumbled at the straps and buckles. Ryder flung her prothesis aside and sank her stump into the snow. The pain grew muted, just slightly, but it was the best Ryder could get. Forcing herself to breathe in and out, slow and deep, helped. 

She had no sense of time, other than the snow melting around her stump. Ryder counted her lucky stars that the cold didn’t amplify the pain this time. Mentally, she tried to calculate the time they needed to travel tomorrow but her screaming nerves chased all thoughts away. 

* * *

Jaal woke up. It was still dark out but he wasn’t sure what woke him up. Sitting up too quickly set off a wave of dizziness. He grimaced, pressing a hand against his swollen mouth. When it passed, he cast his eyes about. Nafav was sleeping next to him while Torshen slept as close to Dagar as she would allow it. She shifted slightly in her sleep and moaned. Jaal sighed in sympathy. There were only five other lumps on the ground.

 _Where’s Ryder?_  

Worried, he got up and walked as silently as he could towards the cave entrance. 

“Jaal.”

He turned at the sound of his name. It was Torshen, his eyes wide open, glinting in the dark. “She went that way,” he whispered, pointing towards the left. “She doesn’t look too good.”

His heart quickened. His steps were no longer quiet but swift. Once outside, it wasn’t hard to see where Ryder went. Her boot prints were deep but wavering as if she was staggering. 

_What happened?_

His boots crunched snow underfoot as he followed Ryder’s boot prints. The snowing had abated. The air was still but stingingly cold. His breaths were puffs of white clouds as he walked. The moon bright and huge, hanging over head, lighting the frozen-over lagoon below. It would have been a perfect night for star gazing but Jaal's focus was Ryder. He was worried. His eyes scanned the small pathway before finding who he was looking for. 

Ahead was a figure sitting in the snow, hunched over and shuddering. Her black and grey leathers stark against the white snow. He quickened his steps when a groan shattered the silence. His heart ached, sudden and sharp. 

Jaal opened his mouth to call out when Ryder flinched as a twig broke underfoot. Quick as a cornered adhi, his vision was filled with orange as Ryder surged upright with her omni-blade extended and ready. His eyes widened as he took two quick steps back.

“It’s me.”

Her brown eyes softened. The omni-blade withdrew as she sank back to the snow, clutching at her stump. “Is it hurting again?” Jaal blurted.

_Dumb question, Ama Darav._

Ryder gave a tight nod. 

“What about your medication?”

“Lost,” she gasped, squeezing her eyes tight, pressing her stump into the snow. “Don’t know when.”

Jaal bent and slid an arm under her legs and another behind her back.

“No.” She struggled a little, her breaths quick and short. “Snow helps.”

He couldn’t help but let out a little whine of distress, seeing her in pain and helpless to do anything about it, was too much. Jaal picked her prothesis up and set it aside safely before sitting down behind her. His legs stretched out straight, forming a small space for her. His hands hovered around her for a moment, waiting for permission. Ryder nodded, instinctively knowing what he intended. 

He wrapped his arms around her and pulling her towards his chest. Ryder curled against him as best as she could while still keeping her residual limb in the snow. 

“Jaal,” she whimpered, her voice breaking saying his name. “It hurts, it fucking hurts.”

His jaw tightened and hugged her tighter. There was only one thing that helped. Reluctantly, Jaal let go of Ryder. He pulled his rofjinn off and wrapped her in it. This cold was no good for her, he was sure. Jaal peeled the gloves from his hands and shifted to look at her. 

Her brown eyes dulled with pain, wet with tears unshed. Her breathing deliberately slow and even but laboured. Ryder kept her eyes averted, her attention inward. His hand hovered over her stump. He remembered how bad the pain was when it returned but this was all he could do for her. 

“Ryder,” he whispered. 

No answer, she just shifted closer, deeper into the small space enclosed by his chest and legs. 

“Do you want me to…”

“Please,” she begged. 

Jaal was gentle, even more so than the first time. His hand brushing over her residual limb, his bio-electricity pulsing and tender. Every pass, Jaal could feel Ryder relaxing, her shoulders loosening, her breathing no longer forced. 

Eventually she squirmed a little, tilting her head upwards to look at him. “Thank you.”

The amount of gratitude she infused in two words overwhelmed him. “You never have to thank me,” he said. 

Ryder smiled, snuggling against him. Her right hand, warm against his arm. It was so small but so strong. 

* * *

Ryder’s senses were filled with Jaal. His scent, faintly musky and sweet. His body radiated heat that she so sorely craved. His hands brushing over her stump, bio-electricity calming her nerves. His eyes never failed to look at her as if he could see her soul. 

_Safe._

He was her safe harbour. 

Ryder blinked. An even and deep breathing came from Jaal, his arms still wrapped around her but limp. Her stump was pain free. Her muscles stiff from inactivity. Ryder had fallen asleep, but it was still dark. Without access to her omni-tool she could only guess at the time. 

Gently, she extracted herself from within the warm confines of Jaal’s embrace. However, Ryder kept the rofjinn with her, tugging it closer around her shoulders, shuddering slightly as she did so. Her legs protested but straightened without trouble. Her back sore and tight, the blood from the gashes dried and stiffened. 

The frozen lake underneath caught her eyes. Lights played under the ice, diffused and ghostly, a deep luminous blue bleeding through the frosted surface. There was something underneath the ice. 

Ryder racked her mind. But the name wasn’t coming to her. An exhale behind her as warm breath danced across her hair. Jaal came to stand next to her. 

“It’s the Yevara,” he said. 

Ryder chuckled. “You read my mind.”

They stood and watched as the majestic creatures danced under the ice. Lights and vague shapes hinted at something larger than she could imagine. Ryder didn’t know how long they stood, Jaal telling her about the Yevara, she listening to the deep rumble of his voice, the lilt of his tone. Her stump remained thankfully silent. 

* * *

Peace was lost the moment the Voeld’s sun peered from the edges. Their shared time over, Ryder patted Jaal on the arm. “Thanks.”

“Anything for you.”

“I’ll need more of that later, so keep your hands handy,” Ryder said. 

The smile slid off Jaal’s face as he nodded solemnly. “Come on, don’t look like that,” she said. “It’s nothing serious. I got medication back on base.”

Jaal nodded, still looking disheartened. Ryder slapped him on the arm. “Stop that. Come on. I want to get back to base.”

She bent to retrieved prothesis from the ground but winced at the motion. Jaal was instantly by her side, his arms supporting her weight. “Is it your arm, is the pain back?” his voice a little frantic, a little panicked. 

She shook her head. “It’s my back, I think I just reopened the wounds on my back,” she groaned a little as she straightened. “We’re all got fucked good by an Eiroch, huh?”

Jaal chuckled, picking up her prothesis. “I should have taken a look at your back last night. Let’s do that when we get back.”

Ryder nodded. 

By the time they got back to the cave, everyone else was up and finishing up the meagre nutrient packs they had with them. Ryder unwrapped her own ration bar and was stuffing it down her throat. Torshen was fussing over Dagar as she tried her best to ignore him. Ryder smirked a little but left them be. 

Ryder sat down putting her back towards the others. Jaal helped her shrug her uniform off. She hissed as the dried blood glued her leather to her skin. The uniform held up surprisingly well even though it’s shredded. Her sports bra didn't fare as well. Ryder discarded it, there was no way to salvage it. With her right arm covering her breasts, she waited. A large webbed hand touched her back, Ryder flinched but relaxed. 

“It’s not so bad,” Jaal said as he slowly spread medigel over her back. 

She closed her eyes as a numbing sensation spread over her entire back. Ryder sighed in relief. 

“Ok,” he said, “All done.”

“Hand me the prosthesis? It will be easier to put that on before I pull the uniform back on.” 

Ryder took the prosthesis from Jaal but she could still feel him hovering behind her. “Do you need help with it?” he asked. 

Shaking her head, her jaw twitched, her mind already on the pain that’s bound to come. Her fingers loosened the straps and buckles with quick practised movements. At the end of three quick breaths, Ryder shoved her stump into the prosthesis. The contact was like raking her skin over coals. She bit back a gasp, trembling as she let it wash over her. Jaal was instantly at her side, his hands ready to administer some bio-electricity. Ryder held a hand out. “It’s fading, I’m good,” she panted. 

Jaal gave her shoulder a quick squeeze and lingered for a bit before heading off to make sure everyone else was doing fine. When Ryder gingerly pulled her uniform back on, she found Torshen and Dagar looking at her. Ryder blinked. Torshen looked away, a little ashamed. Dagar’s eyes were still pain glazed, but it drifted between the scars that ran along her collarbone and stump. Ryder hastily zipped her leathers back up. Her eyes was shining with gratitude and a little awe. 

“Ryder.”

Her name was a whisper that drifted on the chilled morning air. Ryder raised her eyes to meet Dagar’s. “Thank you.”

Ryder gave her a lopsided smile. Dagar returned with a tentative one. “More medigel?” she asked. 

“Ancestors, yes please.”

“I have some,” Torshen interjected. 

Dagar’s gaze grew flinty and annoyed. Ryder chuckled. 

* * *

The seven of them limped back towards base. Nafav and one of the others helping Dagar after Jaal insisted she stop using her biotics. Torshen limping along behind Dagar while the last brought up the rear. Somehow she ended up in the middle of this entire convoy. Jaal stuck close to her. His arm clamped protectively on her left arm. Ryder could feel him flinching minutely at every tensing of her muscles. The constant question of “do you feel pain?” was hovering on his lips. 

“I’m fine,” she tried to say, but her breath hitched and her knees’ buckled. 

Jaal was quick. His hand shot and wrapped around her waist and pressed her close against him. His other hand sent waves of soothing, numbing bio-electricity to her left arm. And so they hobbled on. 

By the time, they got back to base, Nad and Avfae were in the midst of mounting a search and rescue mission. Andraknor was on vid-call with Levine trying to explain how he had misplaced half of his recruits. 

Nad and Avfae took one look at all of them before turning their eyes on Ryder. She blinked, grimacing as she straightened, pulling away from Jaal.

“This isn’t my fault,” she said. 

The trainers narrowed their eyes at her. 

“Not everything is my fault,” Ryder insisted. 

Torshen stepped forward. “I take full responsibility of this,” he said.

Ryder stood and listened as he listed everything that went wrong with the mission, he ended with, “And I’ve purposely excluded Ryder from our comm channel to sabotage her ability to proceed to the next level. Without her, we wouldn’t have made it back to base.”

Anger rose in Ryder. She was naïve enough to think Torshen would do no such thing, putting herself and the others in danger because of something so petty. She strode over to Torshen. Her prosthesis drew back. With a snarl, Ryder launched her fist at Torshen's jaw, ignoring the pain that exploded up her arm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
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> This author replies to comments.


	74. Site of Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryder threw a hand out at him, forestalling him. "I know what you're going to say. That was my decision as Pathfinder and apparently it was a bad decision, like all the other decisions I've made," she said bitterly. 
> 
> She turned her back to the rest. Ryder didn't want to see the judgement in their eyes. She pressed her left hand against her throbbing scar. Her breath escaped her throat in a sigh. A familiar hand clasped her shoulder as Jaal came around to face her. "You know that's not true," he said. 
> 
> Ryder didn't speak, her jaw tightening. _What were Perseus and Cetus if it weren't my fault? This is just another one, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of my plans, we have 4 more chapters to go but I will be dropping the last two together. The true ending is Chapter 77 while 78 acts more like an epilogue. After that I intend to post one Dragon Age Inquisition one shot and then another one shot that follows @Naeviss' Athena Ryder's story. So technically there will still be content weekly, just not my girl's story. More details on what's next for Sara Ryder next week. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! And thank you for the kind help of [@Terriblush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terriblush/pseuds/terriblush) for helping me beta the chapter! Check out her stories, they’re awesome!
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI) —> now a Youtube playlist

_And then there are only five._

Ryder looked at the others. Nafav, Falehe and Jaal, all of them, were grinning and excited. The fourth of their number was a little sullen, standing a little apart from the rest. Ryder smacked him on the arm. Torshen jerked his head at her, his brow knitting together. 

“Come on,” she said. “Cheer up. If we get this done, we’ll all be Heskaarl.”

Torshen’s lip curled. Ryder cocked her head and stared at him. “Are we doing this again? We’re all out of danger, on our feet again, everything is going back to how it was before?”

Annoyance was quickly replaced with contrition. 

Ryder huffed, but she was really happy in this moment. She was one step away from proving herself. Maybe even if she failed, it would be ok too. Hadn’t she came a long way? Overcoming physical and mental obstacles she never thought possible. Maybe returning to the Tempest in some capacity wasn’t out of the question after all. 

Andraknor, Nad and Avfae came in. Everyone sprung to their feet and straightened their spines, saluting the angara way. 

“At ease.” Andraknor didn’t bother waiting for them to get situated. With a wave of his arm, he activated the holo-screen. Ryder bent forward to get a better look. A chill ran down her spine. She recognised it. Andraknor’s yellow eyes darted to meet hers. Ryder couldn’t read him. 

Was that judgement she saw there? Was it disappointment or anger? _What will the others think?_

Jaal glanced at Ryder. He was the only other person who was there with her the first time. He stretched to take her hand into his under the table. The warm touch comforting though the barbed pearl pressed against her heart. Ryder steeled herself. 

“This is the kett exaltation facility Ryder had rescued the Moshae from,” he started. 

All eyes turned to her.  

She remembered. Horror, after finding out who the kett really were. Anguish, on Jaal’s face when he made the same connection. The fight against the Cardinal was long and protracted. The decision, like all the others forced upon her, was impossible to make. To keep the facility running and save what angaras they could or to destroy it and the Cardinal with it. Ryder followed her gut. Now it seemed that this decision, like all the others, had grown teeth to bite her and everyone else in the ass. 

 _Cetus wasn’t your fault._  

Her own thoughts rang false to her. The barb pearl dug a little deeper. Her heart rate quickened. 

Falehe and Nafav gave her a thumbs up while Torshen’s eyes remained dark. Only Jaal’s reassuring hand helped to centre herself.

"The facility wasn’t destroyed previously," Andraknor went on, “and we have detected kett activity, again.” 

Ryder’s heart sank. _Another mistake._ She should have destroyed the facility. _But the angaras…_ A sigh lodged itself in her throat as she forced herself to concentrate on the mission brief.

“The activity is minimal. Your mission, find out what are the kett up to and secure the facility,” he said. “Evfra is sending in Resistance fighters to destroy facility once you have secured it.”

Andraknor looked at her. Ryder met it as best as she could though guilt weighed heavy on her chest. 

“This is your final mission. Complete it cleanly and efficiently and you will be full fledged Heskaarl members,” Andraknor said, his eyes taking in the five remaining recruits. “You have five days to plan and complete the mission. Pick a team leader, or not. I won’t tell you how to do this. You have learnt everything we can teach you. Draw on your lessons and experiences. And do us proud.”

Andraknor nodded and retreated, leaving the other four looking at her. Ryder sighed, the weight of their gaze a burden. She rolled her shoulders to carry it better. 

* * *

The Moshae looked at the new Leadership. Addison was at its head but she knew T’vera was the one pulling the strings. Kesh and Kandros had their opinions but they were mostly toothless. They are only valuable as long as they toed the line. 

Vault Alpha’s hologram hovered in the middle of the table. The Moshae could see T’vera eyeing her through the shimmering blue lines. She forced a gentle smile on her face. “So what do you suggest?” 

T’vera didn’t answer. Instead, Addison stood up. "It's been more than a year since the discovery of Vault Alpha but we’re no closer to opening it. Even the scientists from Aya the Moshae kindly sent had no luck," she said, frustration making her words curt. "But we did make some progress. We were able to determine the frequency that was detected previously is actually a signal."

“A broadcast signal? But where to?” Kandros asked, his mandibles flaring. 

“The pertinent question is to who?” T’vera interjected. “The signal reaches past the scourge and onwards to who knows where, who knows what.”

“Is the signal kett in origin?” Kesh asked. 

Addison shook her head. “Reports say it is more Jardaan than anything else,” she replied. “But there is so much we don’t know about the Jardaan.”

Kesh nodded, leaning back in her chair. “There are just too many unknowns.”

Everyone around the table looked dour, locked in their own thoughts. It had been months of slow progress everywhere. Rix managed to get the new turian colony back on its feet again, but it was nowhere as successful as Prodromes or even Elaaden. Raeka still hadn’t had luck with a golden planet for the salarians, and with the Quarian ark still lost, there had been almost no successes since the defeat of the Archon. Despite how far the Milky way species had come, they still had long way to go. 

The Moshae pursed her lips, tapping her finger against the table as she thought. “Have all the Pathfinders tried opening the vault?”

Addison nodded. “Harper was the last to try. That was more than six months ago. Since then the signal seems to have weakened in its intensity. There was definitely some kind of reaction when it the Pathfinders attempted to open the Vault. The signal intensified for a few days but the doors just remained stubbornly closed.”

“What about Ryder?”

The entire room went silent. 

Kandros’ mandibles fluttered, his talons steepled together, looking thoughtful. Kesh grew still, predatorily so. Her eyes darted between Addison and T’vera. Addison’s eyes grew flinty. “Ryder?” she asked, her voice tight and terse. Clearly, Addison still took Ryder’s rejection to heart. 

The Moshae shook her head. _Most unbecoming of a leader, especially when she screwed it up._ She kept her eyes on T’vera, the obvious chief in the room. T’vera kept her eyes down, twirling the idea around in her head. 

“Ryder isn’t a Pathfinder anymore,” Addison pointed out. “She doesn’t have the SAM implant. How can she help?”

The Moshae turned and cooly regarded Addison. “From the after-action reports of Meridian and the events leading up to it, Ryder managed to summon an entire fleet of Remnant while being completely cut off from SAM,” she pointed out. “It stands to reason she might have something the others don’t.”

T’vera tapped her fingers on the table thoughtfully. She looked up, her blue gaze attempting to see through the Moshae’s plans. The angara allowed herself a small smile, returning the gaze evenly. Blue eyes on blue, neither budging. The Moshae knew T’vera looked deceptively youthful thanks to the long life span of the asari but looks could be deceiving. T’vera was definitely skilled at playing the hidden game of wits and political manoeuvring. 

A short pang of guilt lanced through the Moshae. It was unfair to use Ryder this way but from the reports she had been receiving from Levine, it seemed that Ryder had been taking to the Heskaarl training like a fish to water. It would be inevitable that Ryder get dragged back into the murky depths of Nexus politics if she intended to make herself useful in any sense. The Moshae didn’t know what the future held for her, but sitting on the sidelines was not something Ryder was destined to do.

_At least this way, she would be coming in holding all the cards._

T’vera dipped her head slightly, conceding this round to the Moshae. The Moshae smiled a little wider, she could afford to be gracious. If Ryder really could open Vault Alpha, she was the only one sitting at the table with a more than cordial relationship with her. 

T'vera leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Where is Sara Ryder now?”

* * *

Ryder stared at the kett facility. She didn’t expect to be back here again. Her breath condensed in white puffs, soft and nebulous. Her thoughts were sharp and brittle, daggers pointed inwards, poised to stab her heart. Her scar throbbed in time with her pulse, a dull ache that had plagued her since they left base camp. Ryder took a deep breath, cold stinging her lungs, forcing herself to be in the present. 

“What do you see?” she asked, dragging her attention back to the task at hand. 

“Nothing,” Jaal replied, handing her the scope. “I see nothing.”

Ryder frowned, missing the Tempest’s scanning capabilities and SAM’s input intensely. She handed the scope to Torshen. “What do you think?” she asked. 

Torshen scanned the surrounding intently. Their position offered a superior vantage point of the kett facility's entrance. Ryder pushed herself up from the snow and brushed herself off. Jaal did the same. She checked her omni-tool, the countdown was still running on the display. 

_Five days and we’ve already used three scouting the area to find…_

“Nothing.” Torshen confirmed, thrusting the scope back to Jaal. 

_Right._

“Let’s get back to the others, we need to regroup.”

They had set up a small outpost five klicks away. Their pace quickly ate up the distance. Nafav and Falehe were back at outpost waiting. "Found anything?" he asked. 

Ryder went straight to the portable holo-desk they were provided. She threw up the images she had captured onto the holo-screen so everyone get to look at it. Torshen and Jaal flanked her while Nafav and Falehe scooted towards the desk. 

“There are no coming or goings from the facility. From memory, there is only one way in and out of that place. It is highly defensible,” Ryder said, pointing at the image. 

Four other heads nodded. 

“There were no signs of any vehicle or drop ships in the three days we were observing the facility,” she went on. “That means…”

“There are no kett inside and it’s all an elaborate joke?” Nafav suggested hopefully. 

Torshen glared. Nafav chuckled at his own shitty little joke. Ryder sighed long and loud, sharing a look with Falehe. “Guys, can we focus here?”

“Right, sorry,” Nafav said, as Torshen snorted. 

“Like I was saying.” Ryder stabbed her finger at the hologram, it flickered. “No coming or going, that means if the numbers we were given back at base camp were accurate, we will be outnumbered three to one. Not favourable odds by any means but it is not completely impossible, if we played it smart.”

Ryder met the eyes of each and every person there. All of them returned it steady and sure. “One more thing,” she said, “Are you sure you want me to lead this mission? This is kind of important and it is life or death. And I kind of fucked it up the last time I was here.”

"Why did you think you fucked up?" Falehe asked, her eyes wide.

"Well." Ryder rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. "For one thing, we're back here because I didn't destroy the facility the first time."

Jaal's eyes flashed at her, his mouth opened ready to refute her. 

Ryder threw a hand out at him, forestalling him. "I know what you're going to say. That was my decision as Pathfinder and apparently it was a bad decision, like all the other decisions I've made," she said bitterly. 

She turned her back to the rest. Ryder didn't want to see the judgement in their eyes. She pressed her left hand against her throbbing scar. Her breath escaped her throat in a sigh. A familiar hand clasped her shoulder as Jaal came around to face her. "You know that's not true," he said. 

Ryder didn't speak, her jaw tightening. _What were Perseus and Cetus if it weren't my fault? This is just another one, right?_

“But there's nobody better to lead us,” Nafav piped instantly. 

Ryder turned back to face the others. Falehe reached across the table and placed her hand on top of hers. “Ryder, you have proven yourself every single day since you came. You have nothing more to prove to me, to us.”

Jaal’s hand was warm even though her leathers. His fingers tightened, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “I trust you. Wherever you lead, I’ll follow.”

Ryder nodded. Her head turned away from Torshen. There was no way Torshen, of all angaras, would ever accept her, not her skills, not her abilities. She rolled her lips into her mouth and bit down. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth to address Torshen when his deep gravelly voice growled. 

“Ryder,” he called. 

She kept her eyes turned away. There was no need to humiliate her publicly right? 

“Look at me, Ryder,” Torshen insisted. 

Reluctantly, she dragged her eyes up to meet his. The crisp air was still for a moment. Torshen cleared his throat. “Just because we're back here sweeping up more kett doesn't mean you choose wrong then. You allowed us to rescue our people from a fate worse than death. You denied the enemy more soldiers for their cause. You allowed sons and daughters to return to their families. You made the right choice. You are a good leader, your judgement is unclouded by prejudice against people less forgiving.”

Ryder's head jerked up. Her eyes wide, mouth ajar. Torshen met her gaze without hesitation. “I will follow your lead.”

She clenched her jaw to keep the lump that was forming in her throat from overwhelming her. The acceptance, the trust they were showing her was humbling. Ryder blinked and nodded, accepting the mandate of responsibility once more. Their gaze was no longer a burden but a privilege. 

Ryder grinned. “Shall we do this?”

* * *

“SAM,” Scott called out as he paced the meeting area on the Tempest. “Can you get a hold of Sara?”

“Scott, I am not able to,” SAM replied. 

“Where is she?”

“According to your last correspondence with Resistance Leader de Tershaav, Ryder is still on Voeld receiving training,” SAM replied. 

“SAM, I don’t need you to repeat the information in my mails back to me,” Scott said before taking a deep breath. “I'm sorry. That was unkind of me.”

“I understand, you are under a lot of stress. But from what I determine, the preparations are all proceeding smoothly,” SAM said. 

Scott paced, his movements jerky. 

“The location has been secured, invitations sent,” SAM listed. “All that’s left are picking up key guests on the Nexus.”

His steps stilled. “I know, I know,” he muttered. “I just wanted to know, to make sure Sara will be there. I can’t do this without her. She wanted me to wait for her but it has already been 20 weeks. The date is set, I can’t change it.”

“Pathfinder Harper will understand if you need to-"

“Cora is not who I am afraid of, but all the other people, the guests, the VIPs and, Archon's flaming balls, the press too. I can’t shift the date just because of Sara.”

“Scott, I can determine the next available date where everyone currently on the guest list is available. Give me a moment,” SAM said. 

Silence. The Tempest hummed as Kallo guided it gently to the Nexus. Vetra had insisted on dropping by because she had to secure something special for the event. Scott didn’t really care about all that. 

_No, let me amend that. I do care but they are not important if Sara isn’t there. She is the only family I have left! People in cryo don't count._

"Scott!" 

“Up here,” he replied. 

Cora mounted the slope. Her face broke into a wide smile as soon as she saw him. Within seconds, her hands were around him, her lips on his. It was a soft, chaste peck really, but it drained the tension out of him. He sighed contentedly. 

“You’re good?” she whispered into his ear. 

Scott, undone by her touch, merely hummed. He nuzzled her neck. 

“Stop stressing out,” she said. “Ok?”

“I’ll try.”

“Promise?”

Scott laughed, his breath tickling her neck. Cora pushed him away and scratched at it. The smile she gave him was a tired one. This had been a ceremony that rapidly went out of control the moment they enlisted Peebee’s and Vetra’s help. 

Then when the press got wind of it, it was inevitable that Addison stepped in and got involved. Cora had been in a constant tug of war over control of the event. It belonged to him, Cora and whoever they chose to share it with, but it had been turned into a feel-good story and media asset. 

“Scott, Pathfinder,” SAM said. “The next available date with all guests available is in 245 days.”

Cora blinked. “What is SAM talking about?”

Scott burst out laughing. “I’ll explain it to you later.”

* * *

Ryder fired her rifle and Charged to take the Chosen down. 

“Ryder!” Torshen’s voice came through her comm. “Anointed, up ahead!”

“On it!” she shouted. 

She rolled and got behind cover as the Anointed’s heavy machine gun shredded the spot she just vacated. Rattle of gunfire rang out, punctuated only by the steady boom of Jaal’s sniper rifle. 

“Ryder,” Falehe said, “I need a distraction.”

“Yes, yes,” she grumbled. “I'm working on it.”

The Anointed’s heavy footsteps clomped closer and closer. She poked her head up for a quick peek only to be force back down by a barrage of bullets.  

“Ryder, I’m waiting.”

“I know, I know,” Ryder huffed over the comm. 

She turned and caught Torshen and Nafav’s eyes. “I need some covering fire,” she said. “Jaal, I need you to pick off any other enemies.”

“I’ve got your back, Ryder,” Jaal said. 

Ryder nodded, feeling a little more confident just knowing he was watching over her. “Torshen, Nafav,” she barked. “On my mark.”

She slid her back along the crate, going as close to the Anointed as she could. The kett’s bellow of frustration got interrupted by the boom of a sniper rifle. 

“Now!”

Torshen and Nafav popped up from their cover and fired at the Anointed as it reeled from Jaal’s shot. It brought its heavy machine gun around to bear. The steady fire from the heavy barrel was loud, but it was Ryder’s signal to move. 

“Falehe, get ready!” 

“Waiting on you, Ryder.”

She rolled her eyes as she rose from cover. Two quick steps took her to the top of the double stacked crate. With a roar, Ryder Charged, her shotgun leading first. The impact of her shotgun hitting the Anointed’s jaw jarred her arms, but Ryder grinned. 

This was what she was good at. The fiery rush of battle. The fight to best her opponent. This was clean and pure. It was black and white. Ryder allowed the flow of the fight to carry her forward, urging her to be faster, better, more. She squeezed the trigger. 

Boom. 

The round smashed the Anointed’s face, taking its jaw clean off. Brown-green sludge, kett blood, splattered across half her helmet. The Anointed roared, spit and blood flying everywhere. It let go of its machine gun to lunge at her, but Ryder was faster. She fired again, taking more of the Anointed’s face along with it. 

“Falehe!” Ryder shouted, after landing on the ground and rolling out of the way. “Your turn!”

“About time.” The angara sounded almost bored but Ryder could hear the edges of a smile in her voice.

Ryder sprang to her feet. She turned her shotgun at the Anointed just in time to see Falehe launched herself onto the kett’s back, the blade of her Firaan gleaming against the light. With a cry, Falehe buried the Firaan into the back of the Anointed’s neck. The force embedding the blade hilt deep. The kett roared, its claws scratching and scrapping to get at the Firaan. The Anointed was on its last legs. Tt staggered back towards its weapon, but nobody was allowing it to have the chance. The rest opened fire. It was quick. The Anointed fell with a whimper. 

Ryder sighed, realising the sludge was dripping off her helmet. She made a face as she contemplated using her gloved hand to wipe it off. 

“Guys,” Falehe whined. 

Ryder turned to look, her left hand still hovering over her visor. 

Falehe was standing over the Anointed, attempting to flip the giant kett onto its front. “A little help, please?” she asked as she panted. 

Ryder grimaced as she wiped the sludge off her visor. Gingerly she peeled the soiled glove off and dropped it to the ground. Torshen grunted as he tried to lift the kett while Nafav folded his arms across his chest and watched. “Falehe, forget it,” he said. “The Firaan is lost.”

Falehe glared at him. “No, it’s my best one. I refuse to go without it.”

Jaal got off his perch and joined them. Ryder laughed. Torshen was having no luck. “Stop standing around and help me get my Firaan!”

Ryder Pulled the corpse a little. Falehe was quick to drag her Firaan free and sheathed it, sludge and all. Ryder made a face. 

“What?” Falehe asked. 

Ryder shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “Nothing at all.”

She tapped at her omni-tool. They still had a long way to go before hitting the main area. “Let’s move out!”

* * *

Scott kicked at the loose dirt. He glanced at the chairs, they were all laid out in neat rows. A long red carpet ran down the middle, leading to a small little platform. Behind the platform was a barren sandy space, but it was more than that. Cora told him about it. It was where Sara helped her scatter the seeds of her future garden. 

This was a site of potential, of the future and of a new chapter. For both of them. 

Scott's eyes drifted over to the small stage, it was decorated tastefully with white and blue, Initiative colours. Scott’s mouth twisted. _Addison’s idea, no doubt._ He dragged his black shoes over the yellow Eos sand again. 

“Stop that!” Gil said. "You’re going to destroy the shine I put on your shoes."

Scott sighed. He was a bundle of nerves, excitement, apprehension, and a deep sense that Sara was not going to make it. He finally got ahold of Andraknor four days ago. 

* * *

“Is Sara on base?” he asked, “I've been trying to reach her for weeks.”

“We maintain a strict radio silence during the advanced levels of training, and this is highly irregular,” Andraknor replied instead, not answering Scott. 

“I know, I am truly sorry for this but-,” Scott said, “Look, is Sara there? Can I speak to her?”

“No,” Andraknor said, his voice flat. 

 _Oh Archon’s fucking balls._  

For a moment, Scott wondered if he had cost his sister her Heskaarl training. His face fell. The event was going to go ahead as planned. For Sara not to be there was more than he could bear. She was the only family he had left. Sara had to be there for the most important day of his life. 

_Ma doesn’t count, she still is in cryo._

Andraknor’s curt demeanour softened. “I meant Ryder is not on base,” he said. “She’s with the others on a mission.”

Scott’s eyes narrowed. “I thought she was there for training, not going on missions.”

“This is part of training. It is their final test.”

He nodded. It stood to reason that all that training was meant for actual missions. Scott huffed, not entirely comfortable with the idea Sara was out there fighting without the crew at her back. 

“Ryder,” Andraknor said. 

Scott jerked his attention back to the angara, unsure if he was being addressed or if Andraknor was referring to his twin. 

“Ryder, your sister is good at this. Don’t worry about her. She is tough, tougher than most angaras.”

Scott nodded. It had been a long 20 weeks without much contact from her. Other than that first message he got so long ago, it was radio silence since, other than a random message here or there when she was back at base camp. 

“How long do you expect the mission to take?” he asked. 

“No more than five days,” Andraknor replied. “Any longer…”

The silence stretched between them. A tight clenching of his gut made Scott wince.

“How long has it been already?”

“Four days.”

Scott sighed, his guts tightening. “All right, just tell her… that Cora and I are getting married in four days on Eos. Here are the details.”

He tapped at his omni-tool and sent the details over. Andraknor nodded as his omni-tool beeped. “I will let her know.”

* * *

Scott kicked at the dirt again. Gil threw his hands up in exasperation. “Come on, you got to get ready. It’s almost time.”

He let Gil drag him away. His eyes trained on the gathering crowd, searching, looking but not finding his twin. 

Gil plopped him down on the chair. He turned to Drack. “Watch him. I’ll go get my supplies.”

A large krogan claw came down on his shoulder, his white shirt ceasing under the pressure. Scott didn't dare move an inch. “What have you been doing?” Drack rumbled after Gil left.   

“Nothing!” Scott pleaded innocence.

The krogan hummed and dragged Scott’s chair around so that Scott was facing him. He rested a tri-claw hand on each arm rest, effectively hemming Scott in. “Really?” Drack rumbled, eyes narrowing. “Nothing?”

Scott shrank back. “Archon’s hairy tits, Drack,” he said. “It’s my wedding day. Give me a break.”

“Give you a break?” Drack huffed, leaning back to his chair. The chair creaked dangerously. “You are the one that’s a mess of nerves. Moping around the Tempest like someone died for days. It’s your wedding day, enjoy it!”

He sighed, dragging his hand over his face. “I'm trying, I’m trying,” he insisted. 

“It’s the kid isn’t it?”

“Yes, the kid, my sister,” Scott said, his brow knitting as the thinly veiled worry was revealed on his face. “As usual she is making me worry. I don’t know if she will make it here in time. I don’t know if she is alive or hurt. I don’t know anything.”

Drack hummed, dragging Scott’s chair closer to his. Scott winced as his knees collided with Drack’s armoured ones. “Do you think she is better?” he asked. 

Scott pursed his lips. “Yes, but she might go back to her old habits,” he pointed out. 

“Do you believe she has learned then?”

His jaw twitched. Taking a deep breath, he nodded again. 

“Do you trust her, believe in her strength to come through this training?” Drack went on, his hand waving vaguely. “Do you see her raising from the ashes of all the fucking shit she had been through?”

“Yes,” Scott said, surging to his feet. “Yes! Yes! She is my fucking sister, she will be better and greater than before.”

Drack smirked. “Then what’s the problem? Stop hurting your puny little human brain with your needless worries.”

Scott huffed. This wasn’t how he pictured a pep talk going, being intimidating into feeling better by Drack. Before he could really examine his feelings about it, the door sprang open, Liam and Gil burst into the room. 

“Let’s get started!” Liam crowed, brandishing combs and hair products.

* * *

Scott waited alone in the room. Cora was getting her hair done in another room like his. Knowing her, she would have already be ready hours ago with commando precision. He hadn’t even had a chance to see her dress. _Is she even wearing a dress? Maybe she wants to get married in her Pathfinder armour?_

A beep came from his omni-tool.

“Show time.” the message read. 

Scott sighed and stepped out of the pre-fab. The crowds were all there, more strangers than friends. Drack was right outside, waiting for him. It was weird, Drack standing in for his father, not Sara. 

_Father dead, mother in stasis, a sister who knew where?_

Scott tightened his jaw. No, he refused to let his own thoughts darken this day of all days. This was the happiest day of his life. Cora Harper was marrying him. Scott’s shoes shifted as he walked on Eos sand with Drack flanking his left. 

His feet felt the difference when he stepped onto the red carpet. Cora was right at the end of the aisle, waiting for him. He could see Cora's bare back facing him. Her taut muscles twitched as if in impatience. A thrill ran down his spine. Anticipation ran through to his groin. Scott cleared his throat to cover his arousal. 

_His wife._

He loved the way the thought felt in his head. 

They thought to turn tradition on its head by having him be the one escorted down the aisle to her. The idea tickled Scott, and he agreed to it readily. He was ready to have this ceremony be done. 

The guests were all seated as he took his position. From where he stood, he could see a number of familiar faces. Scott caught sight of his old boss’ short brown hair as she turned to speak to the Moshae. Bradley was seated on the other side of the Moshae. Wrench sat alone in the last row with Kiba, the white dog completely bored with the proceedings. Dex was chatting animatedly with Harry. The crew took the first two rows, the closest to the proceedings. Everyone else were faces unfamiliar to him. Scott couldn’t help searching for a head of black hair, half shaved, tattoo running along the length of a scar. He craned his neck and squinted. No Sara. Scott was disappointed. 

Still, Scott was determined to enjoy his wedding day and not spend it think about his sister. His eyes trained on Cora. She was his goal, and she was enough. A smile perked his lips up. 

Drack shifted. “Are you ready?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	75. I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey,” she said awkwardly. 
> 
> “You had a good time?” he asked. 
> 
> Ryder nodded as she swung her dangling feet back and forth. “What are your plans?” she asked, eventually. 
> 
> “I don’t know. What is the standard protocol for baby Heskaarls anyway?” Jaal shrugged. Ryder could feel the motion as the air shifted. “What about you?”
> 
> “I don’t know,” she huffed. This wasn’t the way she hoped the conversation would go. Her tongue always felt heavy when she attempted to broach the subject.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes with art!! I’ve commissioned a piece from [Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com). I hope you enjoy the art!
> 
> All right, more details on my plans for Sara Ryder. Well, obviously you can tell the story is ending but her story is far from over. I’ve started work on the next Sara Ryder story. It will not be a sequel but a prequel. I do intend to cover the Quarian ark, the Benefactor and tie up the Perseus loose end but I need time to think about those. I have some ideas but not enough to tie them into a story. So meanwhile a prequel. Do you have any thoughts about this? Drop them in the comments or drop me a message on Tumblr. I’m natsora there too. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! And thank you for the kind help of [@Terriblush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terriblush/pseuds/terriblush) for helping me beta the chapter! Check out her stories, they’re awesome!
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI)

Her favourite pair of boots proved to be treacherous footwear on Eos, but wearing full armour to a wedding felt like overkill. She made do with a fresh set of light leathers. 

_Come on, I’m not missing this!_

Legs powered on, arms pumping.

_Why the fuck is it so far from the docks?_

Panting. Eyes shielded against the sun. 

_There!_

“Come on!”

Without waiting for a response, she was off again. 

* * *

“Are you ready?” Drack asked. 

“No!” 

Her voice rang out. Every pair of eyes turned to look at her. Ryder skidded to a stop, her eyes only for Scott. She slammed into her brother, her arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tight.

Scott staggered under her weight. “Sara,” he gasped, his voice little strangled. “You made it.”

Ryder let go of her brother and he heaved air down his lungs. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

Scott grinned. She took a good look at her brother. A fitted black tuxedo, white shirt, black bow and a pair of black shoes. She frowned. “What happened to your shoes?” 

“Not you too!” he groaned. 

Ryder turned to Drack for an explanation. The krogan just shrugged. “He was mopey because he thought you’re not going to make it.”

“I was not!” Scott protested. 

Then a shrill whistle cut through the air, Ryder craned her neck and found Cora frowning at her. The venue they had picked was appropriate. The sandy dune that overlooked where Cora and her scattered the seeds of the future. The site that one day might bloom into a garden. Cora was doing the hurry it up gesture with her hand. 

“Ahh shit, Cora is going to be pissed,” Ryder said as she waved her hand at Jaal, “let's go find ourselves a seat.”

As she turned to go Drack’s claw held her back. “You have got a brother to give away,” he rumbled, before turning to Jaal. “Let’s go.”

Drack and Jaal wedged themselves into the empty seats in the front row. With the lack of two tall and large warriors blocking her, the press got a full view of Ryder. Their remote cameras were already whizzing their way towards her. 

Ryder didn’t care, not today anyway. It was her brother’s big day, and she was so fucking over the moon for him. Cora had her arms folded over her chest. Ryder grinned at her. The Pathfinder looked elegant, like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. Her dress fitted her so well. It was cream poured over her sculpted body, in a white so bright it hurt to look at her. 

Ryder didn’t know where they found the dress but she would bet her left arm that it’s all Vetra’s work. 

She stepped closer to Scott, her hands deftly brushing his shoulders and lapels. Scott beamed at her as she straightened his bow. 

“Shall we?” 

Scott nodded, lacing their arms together. Cora rolled her eyes at them and gestured at a salarian waiting with an omni-tool ready. With a tap, music started playing. 

The Ryder twins walked down the aisle, arms linked, towards Scott’s future. 

* * *

Drack leaned against the counter at the bar with a glass of ryncol looking tiny in his hand. _Ryncol should never be served in a glass, it's in the bottle or nothing else._ But he wouldn't complain, drinking what must be the last ryncol in Andromeda. With a satisfied grunt, he sipped daintily at the glass. His gaze was lazy and his stance relaxed. A bright laugh rang out like a tinkling of bells. His eyes drifted towards the sound. A rare smile tugged at his mouth. 

The kid looked good. Her hair pulled back in a ponytail, black now, not the brown she had when they first met on Eos. The scars over her eyebrow and cheek still prominent but a little less angry, a little less red. Her black prosthesis no longer hidden, it pulsed in time as her laughter. Her body lean from work not thin from injuries and illness. The black angara style leathers fit her well. Upon her left breast was an insignia unfamiliar to him. It shined silver and white.

Ryder laughed again. 

“She looks well, huh?” Wrench said. 

Drack nodded.

* * *

Ryder chuckled, her hand scratching Kiba’s neck, as she watched Liam and Gil doing a dance off while completely smashed. It was more flailing than dancing. In the other corner were Peebee and Suvi, arms encircling each other swaying in time to the music. 

  
_Peel the scars from off my back_

Wrench and Drack were in deep conversation. Ryder guessed weapons featured greatly in it. Off to the side Kallo, Lexi, Dex and Vetra were matching shot for shot. Ryder sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She had no idea who thought it was a good idea to initiate the young turian in such large quantities of alcohol. Well, Dex was mostly under the table than in the running.

_I don't need them anymore_

Ryder caught someone looking in her direction through the crowd. A familiar pair of unreadable blue eyes found hers - T’vera's. Addison was hovering close by, glancing her way. She wasn’t surprised to see either of them here. This was the highest profile wedding Andromeda had seen. The current human Pathfinder marrying the brother of the disgraced ex-Pathfinder. _Maybe it's ex-disgraced too, who knows?_ T’vera inclined her head. Ryder blinked and returned the greeting with a nod. She was no longer pissed. What’s done was done. And she was here to celebrate her brother’s marriage. 

_You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars_

Cora and Scott dancing, the lights strung up specially for the occasion twinkling in their eyes. Her brother whispering something into Cora’s ears. A smile perked the commando’s lips as she blushed. Cora turned and pecked Scott's check. 

_I've come home_

Jaal was chatting with the Moshae. He had a pair of angara children in his arms. Ryder recognised them. They were the ring bearers from the ceremony earlier. He turned and found her across the sea of people. Ryder beamed. Jaal spoke the Moshae who patted his arm and took the kids from him. Ryder watched as Jaal cut through the party of revellers, making his way over to her. 

Ryder took another sip of her soda. She still didn’t have a taste for alcohol, not after Cetus. Her eyes drifted through the people at the party. The press had mostly been barred from the party, though Ryder spotted T’Vessa chatting up Addison just moments before. 

She sighed, content and happy. 

Heskaarl training was done. They all graduated. Five new members of Heskaarl. The future was open and yet murky to her. Ryder didn’t know what she intended to do, not yet anyway. But she had time to think, time to figure it all out. Her finger brushed the insignia on her chest. The silver on white angara emblem was a symbol of her ability, her prowess, her rebirth. A small smile tugged at her lips. 

Drack came over, Wrench walking next to him. “Good party, eh?” Ryder asked, taking another drink. She smacked her lips together and sighed, her eyes closed in bliss. 

“You look good!” Wrench said. Kiba barked. Ryder ruffled her fur. “Even the dog seemed to agree.” 

“I feel good.”

Drack laughed, his guffaws rolled off him in waves as he slapped a hand on her back. Ryder almost spilled her drink. The others were slowly gathering around her. She grinned. “It’s all thanks to Lexi and Paran. Without them, well, there would be no Sara Ryder.” she said, putting an arm over Lexi’s shoulders. 

The corners of Lexi’s eyes crinkled as she smiled. All of them here had seen her at her best and worst. They knew her inside and out. “Thank you, all of you,” she said. 

Vetra’s mandibles fluttered awkwardly. Liam and Gil had arms over each other’s shoulders, tottering to keep themselves upright. Suvi and Kallo grinned at her. Drack roared with laughter while Wrench offered her a rare smile. Ryder pressed a hand against her chest. She felt something. The tightness there had eased. She didn’t know it then, the crack that ran through the barbed pearl had reached its core. A shallow fault line turned deep fissure. 

Peebee punched Ryder on the arm. “Damn straight, it’s our credit.”

Ryder grinned, catching Jaal’s eyes as he hovered at the edges of the group. “No,” he disagreed. “It’s her credit, her hard work, her effort.”

Peebee frowned at Jaal, her hands on her hips in mock anger. “I can’t even poke fun at her, huh?”

Jaal blinked, his mouth opened ready to apologise as Peebee laughed. “I was just kidding, Jaal. It’s great to see you too, big guy!”

A hand clapped against Ryder’s shoulder. She didn’t need to turn to know who it was. It was a hand she was familiar with since childhood. “Enjoying the party?” Scott asked. 

“Most definitely.”

Cora pulled her into an embrace. “Thank you,” she said as she released Ryder. 

Ryder cocked her head. “What for?”

“For giving him away. He was almost impossible to live with these past couple of weeks,” Cora complained. “I almost changed my mind.”

“No!” Scott protested. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Ryder, you have no idea,” Cora went on over Scott. “I don't know how I put up with him.”

Ryder snorted, her eyes moving between the two arguing their case. This was what happiness looked like. Friends, family, all of them together enjoying the companionship. Her teeth bit into her lower lip, her thoughts straying towards her future. 

_Will I ever get a chance to return to the Tempest?_

“Come on let’s get a picture!” Peebee suggested, tapping her omni-tool, deploying Poc. 

“What about Dex?” Vetra asked, gesturing at the sleeping turian under the table. 

With prompting, Wrench dragged Dex and pulled him upright. She smacked at his face, hoping to rouse him. “Come on Dex, wake up.”

Dex batted sleepily at Wrench’s hands. “Let go of me,” he mumbled, his words mostly lost to slurring. 

“Just hold him up,” Vetra groaned. 

With Wrench propping Dex, he was mostly upright. Vetra had her talons wrapped around his head to make sure he was facing the right direction, even though his eyes were closed. Ryder laughed and grabbed Jaal by the hand. She dragged him close while the others gathered around. Kiba barked, running back and forth with excitement. 

“Come on, look at Poc!” Peebee instructed. 

“Kiba!” Ryder called. “Come here.”

As the picture was snapped, Ryder was pointing at Poc, with Kiba looking at her, Jaal’s hand in hers. Dex’s mandibles were slack, his eyes closed, while everyone else was in varying stages of drunkenness. But merriment and mirth was sparkling in everyone’s eyes. They were all back together again even if it was for a single day. And all was well in Andromeda. 

* * *

It was the greatest party Eos had ever hosted. It was probably the best party Andromeda had seen since the Milky Way species had arrived, rivalling the celebration after the Archon’s defeat. Ryder didn’t remember much of that particular party, having spent it in a coma. This one was one she intended to commit to her memory forever. 

The party had all but wound down by the time the sky was lightening again. There were still a few determined individuals, namely Drack and Wrench, attempting to drink all the alcohol they could get their hands on. Ryder could tell they had moved on to the most potent of home brew alcohol. 

Ryder sighed, having just ushered the newlyweds back to their room safely after all the drinking they did. She stepped out into the cool Eos morning air. Sounds of wildlife chirping far away. Taking a deep breath, Ryder could almost taste the lingering scent of fireworks and alcohol in the air. She was the only sober soul wandering around. T’vera, Addison and most of the other guests were long gone, returned to their ship or assigned rooms. Vetra had waved her away when she tried helping her with Liam. 

“I've got this,” she said. “You see to Scott and Cora.”

Ryder nodded her thanks. Now that her job was done, the weariness of travel and the days long mission was catching up with her. Kiba bumped her head against her leg, causing her to stumble. “Kiba,” she groaned. “I can’t do this now.”

Lifting her head, she could see a figure sitting by themselves on the elevated stage where Scott and Cora said their I dos. The fairy lights strung up for the ceremony were still up. The light shimmered in a halo around the figure. 

Ryder walked down the red carpet towards the figure. It was a familiar set of shoulders, board and strong, covered by his trademark blue rofjinn. His legs dangled from the edge of the stage as he nursed a cup of the local home brew. 

She hadn’t had much time to talk to him, not during training, not in the mad rush to get to Eos and certainly not at the party. And he had been patient. 

Ryder intended to keep her promise. 

Kiba mounted the stairs and ran over to Jaal, her snout poking and prodding towards his pockets looking for a treat. She heard his low chuckle, one hand ruffling Kiba’s fur while the other dug into his pocket. Kiba lunged at his proffered treat, taking it and retreating some distance away to enjoy it in peace. Ryder grinned as she jumped up the stage and sat down beside Jaal. 

“Hey,” she said awkwardly. 

“You had a good time?” he asked. 

Ryder nodded as she swung her dangling feet back and forth. “What are your plans?” she asked, eventually. 

“I don’t know. What is the standard protocol for baby Heskaarls anyway?” Jaal shrugged. Ryder could feel the motion as the air shifted. “What about you?”

“I don’t know,” she huffed. This wasn’t the way she hoped the conversation would go. Her tongue always felt heavy when she attempted to broach the subject. 

Ryder sighed and lay on her back, one arm tucked behind her head. Jaal followed suit a moment later. The sky was still dark enough to make out the stars. Ryder could feel the heat radiating from Jaal, his bio-electricity just vibrating below the surface. 

“You know,” she said, “I miss all that.”

“What?” Confusion clear in his voice. 

Ryder raised her prosthesis and waved it at the sky. “That,” she said. “The exploration, the finding new things.”

“The fighting?” Jaal prompted. 

She chuckled. “That too but not so much, just the occasional one against the kett.”

“That’s still open to you,” Jaal said. “Maybe not as the Pathfinder but as a defender of the cluster.”

Ryder hummed, uncommitted. “I don’t know.”

“Tell me about the constellations,” she asked instead, “If I can’t visit them, at least I can learn about them.”

Jaal huffed, giving up talking her out of it. Instead he pointed out constellations one by one, naming them, tracing their shapes for her. Ryder committed them to memory. 

“And this one,” Jaal said, pointing at another one. 

Ryder reached up and placed her hand gently on his arm. Jaal stilled, unsure what to do. Slowly, she drew his hand down and placed it at her side. “Ryder…” he whispered. “What…”

She didn’t answer for a moment. Outwardly, Ryder was a sea of calm but inside, her mind raced as she acted on her whim. _What the fuck did I take his hand for?_ Her hand tightened involuntarily over his, he gave her a reassuring squeeze back. 

“Jaal,” she started, her voice coming out as a croak. 

“Ryder, are you all right?” he asked, shifting to prop himself up on an elbow. 

“No, no,” she said, almost frantically. “Just lie down, it’s easier that way.”

Ryder could feel Jaal’s eyes on her, but he lay back down again. His hand was heavy in hers but it was a warm and steadying weight. Ryder cleared her throat discreetly and tried again. 

“You know, I promised you we’ll talk,” she said. “Like months and months ago.”

She kept her eyes on the sky, not quite daring to look at Jaal, not wanting to look at his expression and realised he had moved on while she was stuck. She licked her lips, trying to push the words she held in her chest past her lips. 

“Oh?” Jaal gasped. “Oh…”

_What does that even mean?_

Ryder ran her hand over her face and forced herself to go on. “Look, I understand if it’s been too long and things have changed. Ok, let me correct that, I know things have changed, I have changed. I am not the same person you met so long ago crash landing on Aya. I was the Pathfinder then, now I am not. My name is tainted, the Bloody Blade and all that. I’m no longer whole, I’m missing half an arm and all that. I’m a mess. I’d understand if you don’t want to your name dragged in the mud too. But…”

Everything was quiet. Her heart beat was loud in her ears. Thud, thud, thud. Her breathing grew harsh. Jaal’s hand slipped from her grip. Her heart sank. 

_That’s my answer right there._

The absence of Jaal’s hand was a black hole that sucked the warmth from her body. Her heart ached. She blinked furiously as tears welled up. Her jaw tightened.

_Fuck, no I am not a kid. I won’t cry because I was rejected. I’m a fucking adult._

Then the warmth returned. Jaal took her hand in his. Propping up on his elbow, he looked down at her. Her vision was filled with his startling blue gaze. Letting go of her hand, his hand moved towards her face. His thumb gently brushed her tears away even as tears were standing in his.

“Sara,” he said, his voice low and husky.

Ryder sniffed, her nose crinkled. The lump in her throat was so large she couldn’t speak past it. “Jaal.” His name came out all wrong as her voice broke.

Jaal lay down on his side and reached one arm under her body. He pulled her closer to him. She curled her face into his chest as his arms enveloped her. He pressed his lips into her hair. 

Your words are more than I could have hoped for,” he said. “I wished, I prayed, I wanted, I needed, but I never dared think it would ever be true.

“It’s true,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest. “Jaal, it’s true.”

Ryder pushed away from Jaal a little so that she could look at him. Their eyes met as a shiver ran down her spine. “I want…” Ryder said as more tears spilled from her eyes. “I want to try again. I don’t know where it will lead. I don’t know what will happen but I want us...” 

Ryder didn’t care if she sounded like she was begging because she was. “I do want us to try again.”

Jaal grinned, his chest vibrating with his joy as his arms folded around her. They were strong but tender. Ryder pushed himself towards his face. Her hands cupped his cheeks. Bio-electricity running up her hand screaming his happiness over and over again.

Slowly, deliberately, Ryder pressed her lips on his. At first Jaal didn’t know how to react but he remembered. His lips parted, allowing her to nibble at his lips. A hunger that had long lay dormant woke anew in her, in him. The fire flared to life as lips meet, tongues tangled. It was a taste so sweet, so yearned for. Tiny flares of biotics clashed with Jaal’s natural bio-electricity, sparking a secondary sensation that was deeper than the physical. The barbed pearl she held close in her heart shattered and fell apart. In its stead was something far more precious and rare. A shiny blue gem was born, and it nestled against her soul.

When Drack and Wrench found them later, they were asleep. Jaal curled over Ryder, her back against his chest, one arm around her protectively, possessively. The other arm pillowed both their heads. Ryder had one hand on Jaal’s elbow claiming him, the other rested lightly on Kiba’s fur. 

**Lyrics taken from[Welcome Home by Radical Face](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8a4iiOnzsc)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	76. I Accept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hover bike?” Jaal asked hopefully after they shared a breakfast with Dex. 
> 
> Dex had left for work while Wrench hadn’t returned home. Ryder wondered what could Wrench possibly be doing. Still, Wrench was a grown woman and had no need for Ryder to mother her. The excited angara on the other hand…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, I’ve started work on the prequel. I’ve written quite a few chapters and I am editing right now. I’m still sticking to the plan. After the end of Cetus, the DAI one shot, then Naeviss’ one shot. Then if I think I have enough of a buffer I’ll start posting the prequel, otherwise I might hold off for a week or two to make sure. So basically what I mean to say is subscribe to me as a user if you want to be kept updated whenever I post new content. Or subscribe to the Trials of Ryder series to know when the prequel is out. 
> 
> My thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. She has been an awesome help! And thank you for the kind help of [@Terriblush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terriblush/pseuds/terriblush) for helping me beta the chapter! Check out her stories, they’re awesome!
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI)

_Beep!_

Ryder groaned. 

_Beep!_

She bolted upright, her hand instinctively tapping at her omni-tool. Its beeping was familiar. It had been months, definitely more than a year since she was officially a Pathfinder, but still it was a sound that prompted instant action. It was a sound of a high priority message. 

Eyes flicking over her omni-tool, reading the message. She frowned. 

It was a summon from T’vera to the Nexus. No, speaking to her during the party was too hard, T'vera had to send an official summon. The wording was polite, excessively so. It was couched as a request but Ryder knew better than to mistake it for anything else. 

_One day of peace is all I got. Fuck._

She sighed and stretched. Turning to look about her, Jaal was still sleeping, one arm under his head as he curled on his side. He still had one arm around her waist. 

_Protective even in sleep._

Gently, Ryder removed the hand, freeing herself from his embrace. The sun was way up and it was getting hot. Kiba looked at her, her tail thumping hopefully. Ryder scratched the husky’s ears and whispered, “Breakfast?”

Kiba thumped her tail harder. 

* * *

“You had a summons too?” Cora asked, as they walked up the ramp onto the Tempest. 

Ryder nodded. “Do you know what’s it about?”

Cora tapped her finger on her temple. “I’m not quite sure but I can make some guesses,” she said. “You and me summoned. It can only mean one thing.”

Her jaw tightened. “Cora, I don’t want to be usurping your position. It belongs to you, it’s yours anyway. You’re my father’s second.”

Cora frowned and Ryder’s words faltered. _She’s been married to Scott one day and I’ve pissed my sister-in-law off._

She placed her hands on Ryder’s shoulders. Ryder had her arms up against her chest as Cora pulled her into an embrace. “Cora?” she asked tentatively. 

The crew were all eyeing them, at least those not overly hungover. Liam and Gil in particular were wincing as they walked up the ramp onto the Tempest. Despite how poorly they were feeling, nobody failed to raise an eyebrow in their direction. 

Eventually Cora let go. Her hands cupped Ryder’s face, her blue eyes pierced Ryder’s brown ones. “You need to stop this,” she said. 

Ryder looked over Cora’s shoulder at her brother and Jaal. “Some help?”

Scott shook his head while Jaal just chuckled. Ryder pushed Cora away. “What are you talking about?” she asked. “I’m just saying I’m not taking what is yours and has always been yours.”

“That.” Cora went flat. “Stop doing that. You're overthinking this. And you’re putting yourself down. You have proven yourself, Ryder. You don’t have to keep doing it. You did great as Pathfinder.”

Ryder smiled. Cora looked at her for a moment, her eyes searching. "That smile is the best one I've seen on your face in a long time. Your time away has done you good," Cora said. "I’m proud of you. I’m really happy for you."

Ryder nodded. “Thanks Cora.”

* * *

It was a three day trip to the Nexus. Wrench took an extremely hungover Dex home with her while Kiba remained at Ryder’s side. Scott spent three days complaining about the summons delaying his honeymoon. Ryder endured it with amazingly good grace. 

It felt good to be back with the crew no matter that it was just three days. 

The Nexus was the same as ever, clean, pristine, cold. Ryder hadn’t missed being here. It was only ever a stop to refuel, to take on supplies, to get the Tempest repaired, that’s it. 

“Ready?” Cora asked. 

Ryder nodded. Decked out in a fresh Heskaarl light armour, all black and silver. The Heskaarl insignia was proudly emblazoned on her chest and arm. Jaal handed her a pistol and a holster. As she took it, she asked, “Too much? It’s just a meeting after all.”

“No harm being prepared for an emergency.”

Ryder snorted but she couldn’t fault the thinking. She affixed the holster to her hip. “Let’s go.”

It was a quick tram ride to Operations. Almost nobody recognised her. Her hair was the longest it had ever been. _Though it’s black now, not my original brown._ Without her tattoo and hair style it was like nobody knew who walked amongst then. 

They had been summoned to the Director’s office. Ryder’s footsteps faltered outside Tann’s old office. It was all familiar, but different. It was a little hard to wrap her head around how much things had changed. Taking a deep breath, Ryder pressed her palm on the holo-lock. The door slid open. 

* * *

It felt like an ambush. The entire Leadership was waiting for her. Her eyes darted between all of them. Kandros looked a little bored as if this was a meeting he wished he could skip. Kesh was interested but her eyes couldn’t quite meet Ryder’s. Addison was controlled, a datapad in her hands. The Moshae gave her a small smile as Ryder clasped hands with her. She could feel the Moshae sending an apology via her bio-electricity. Ryder frowned, but it wasn’t the time or place to ask about it. T’vera had her hands steepled as she greeted, “Ryder. Thank you for accepting our invitation.”

Ryder grunted, allowing the illusion to be maintained. She wasn’t here to fight. 

“What are your thoughts about returning to work for the Nexus?” T’vera asked. 

“No pleasantries? Straight to business? I like that,” Ryder remarked sliding into a seat, Cora taking a seat next to her. 

“I am not opposed, but I have outstanding obligations with the Angara Nations,” Ryder replied. 

“Yes that’s what I understand as well,” T’vera replied. “But we have conferred with the Moshae.”

The Moshae waved T’vera into silence as she picked up where T'vera had left off. “I’ve spoken to Levine and Evfra, there will be no obligation if you decided to work for the Nexus. You might be asked to do some Heskaarl missions from time to time but it wouldn’t interfere with the work you will be doing for the Nexus.”

Ryder narrowed her eyes. This had the whiff of the Moshae’s handiwork all over it. She glanced over at Cora. Cora’s eyes darted between T’vera and Addison. Cora was detecting the same bullshit she did but a bubbling hope sprang anew in her chest. 

“What does working for the Nexus entail?” Ryder asked cautiously. 

“Well, we would like to invite you back on the human Pathfinder team,” T’vera paused, her eyes fixed on Ryder. 

Ryder stopped breathing, her hands were clenched under the table. Hope and anger warred. “Cora…”

“Not as the Pathfinder,” Addison hastily added. 

Both of them remembered how it went the last time. But today, she was calmer, no longer in pain, and hopefully wiser. Ryder waited, allowing the silence to ask the questions for her. 

Addison cleared her throat. “Let me officially apologise for the way I handled things the last time. Ryder, you are a valued member of the team. And so is Harper. We appreciate the things you did, you still do for us, both of you.”

Ryder nodded, still waiting. 

“I’d loathe losing you to the Heskaarl,” Addison said. 

And there it was, truth. It’s nice for a change, especially when compared to Tann and his love for barbed hidden meanings. The Moshae’s brow tightened a little at that. It wasn’t a sentiment Ryder didn’t understand but still it rubbed her the wrong way. 

“Rejoin your crew on the Tempest,” T’vera said. “Harper, I’m sure this arrangement isn’t disagreeable right?”

Cora straightened in her seat. “It’s not. It’s more than welcome. We would benefit from having Ryder back on board,” she replied. 

Ryder leaned back in her chair, her hand relaxing. The offer felt genuine, the intent behind it benign enough. The smile plastered on Cora’s face made it all real for her. 

"Harper can remain as Pathfinder or you could take over but I’ll leave the inner workings of the Tempest’s crew in Harper’s and your capable hands. Of course all personnel changes will be subject to approval by the other Pathfinders as well as T’vera," Addison said. "She is after all in charge of all Pathfinders' matters."

“So,” T’vera said, her blue eyes pinning Ryder. “What do you say? Do you accept?”

All eyes zoomed in on her. It wasn’t unfamiliar, though it never got any easier. 

“I accept.”

* * *

The meeting got wrapped up quickly after that. T’vera would make arrangements so that she would be back on the Nexus receiving her Pathfinder implant for a second time. Ryder shuddered at the thought. It wasn’t a procedure she looked forward to, but it was necessary. Till then, she was free to do as she pleased. 

As they walked back to the Tempest to give the others the news, Cora said, “I’m always just keeping the seat warm for you. Nobody would bat an eye if you take over.”

“But you have done well as Pathfinder and is still doing a great job,” Ryder protested. “Far better than I did.”

“You did all the hard parts already,” Cora pointed out. “The Archon? Sorted. Perseus? You did the heavy lifting.”

“I made them,” Ryder said, her voice harsh, “That one is on me. I fucked up and everyone paid the price.”

Cora stopped. The crowd flowed around them like rocks in a stream. 

“Goddess,” Cora cursed. “You have to let this go. You can’t know. Nobody can know the full consequences of their actions especially when bullets are flying. All you can make is the best choice at that moment. Your intentions were always good for us, for the angaras, for everyone.”

Ryder sighed. “I know, I know.” Her hand rubbing the old scar along her head. “It’s just not that easy, you know? Knowing and believing are two very different things.”

“I know,” Cora said, pulling an arm around her shoulder. “You will get there.”

“The procedure is not scheduled for another two weeks. You can think it over. I truly believe that you are and will always be the Pathfinder. We will have time to talk to Rix and the others to finalise this. And I have a honeymoon to enjoy,” Cora pointed out. 

Ryder grinned.  

* * *

Scott refused to tell them where they were going. “And no contact unless there is an emergency,” he said, wagging his finger at the crew. “Even if there is, you have Sara. She will sort anything out.”

Ryder raised her eyebrow. “Me? I’m still not officially back on the crew.”

“Yes you are,” Scott confirmed. “In case of emergencies, break glass for a Pathfinder.”

She snorted. "I've not made a decision," she said, shooing the pair towards their shuttle. "All right, all right, just go already! You’re wasting your honeymoon standing around."

Cora pulled Scott’s hand, the rings glinting in the artificial daylight of the Nexus. “All right, they got the message. Liam and Vetra can still sit on top of things if needs be,” Cora said. 

“I got your back,” Liam said, giving Cora a smart salute. 

“I’ll watch the others,” Vetra said, putting an arm around Liam’s shoulder. “Drunk or sober.”

Liam smacked Vetra’s arm. “I wasn’t that drunk,” he protested. “And that was an epic dance off.”

“No, you could barely keep to the beat,” Peebee snorted. 

Cora laughed and said, “All right we're off and will be back in ten days.”

Ryder watched as Scott and Cora boarded their shuttle. Both of them happy, blissful and burden free. She was envious. The others were dispersing since they were all technically still on shore leave. A warm hand laced between her fingers. She smiled as she tilted her head to see Jaal looking at her. 

“Are you sure about working with the Nexus again?” he asked, tugging her along for a little stroll. 

They hadn’t had a chance to talk about her decision. Ryder nodded. “It’s where I can do the most good,” she said. 

Jaal nodded, but she could tell he was disheartened. Ryder didn’t blame him. After everything that had happened, to choose to go back, maybe to take up the mantle of Pathfinder again, seemed odd. 

“It’s different this time,” Ryder said. 

Jaal snorted sceptically. 

She punched him in the arm. “Come on, hear me out,” she protested. “Well, let’s just say I didn’t have a lot of choice the first go around. This time, I’m doing it with my eyes open, wide open.”

Jaal hummed and sighed. “I was looking forward to working together again,” he said. 

Ryder blinked. “You’re not coming back?” Her voice betraying the depths of her disappointment. 

It didn't occur to her Jaal wouldn’t be returning to the Tempest. She frowned. “Why are you not coming back?”

A hover cam almost smashed into Ryder as they walked. “What the fuck,” she cursed, twisting to avoid it. 

It was unmistakable, the buzz of more cameras making their way over. Her already darkening mood grew worse. It was the press. _How did they know I am here? It was going so well before!_

Jaal laughed, steering her towards a nearby cafe so that they could escape. It was probably inevitable her return to the Nexus was leaked. _I suppose I should get use to this. There will only be more of this in the future._ Ryder growled low in her throat as the salarian waiter ushered both of them an empty table inside. Ryder’s face was thunderous by the time they had ordered. “Come on, Jaal spit it out.” She pushed the annoyance of the bothersome press out of her mind. 

“Well you had the Moshae’s official sanction. I, on the other hand, don’t. I am still a member of the Angara Resistance and a brand spanking new Heskaarl to boot. I have to serve my time with the Heskaarl before I can put in my request for a transfer.”

Ryder deflated like a balloon. She never considered this. They just got back onto the same page and then… She sighed. “How long?”

“I’ll have to ask the Chief but I think it’s usually one angaran year,” Jaal said. 

Ryder’s eyes widened, her heart sank. Nobody spoke as the waiter came with their food. The fragrance of the food had dulled, and she lost her appetite. Her hands held her fork and spoon loosely. Jaal reached out and covered her hand with his. Ryder looked up and found faint amusement and warmth there. 

“Sara,” he said, “Nobody is dying. Don’t look like that.”

Ryder pouted. She abandoned her cutlery with a clatter. “This isn’t how I imagine how it would go. We just…” her voice trailed off. “We just found each other again and we’re going to be apart? This is not fair, Jaal.”

Jaal’s hand tightened over hers, haptic feedback running up to her stump. “We’ll take it slow. We’ll have vid calls. We’ll have planned shore leave together. We’ll do all that and more. One angara year is like what… 15 standard months.”

“What?” Ryder exclaimed. “That’s even worse! Jaal you’re shit at this consoling deal.”

“But you’re smiling already.”

They enjoyed the rest of the meal bantering, somehow always touching. 

“So where to?” Jaal asked as Ryder paid. 

Ryder shrugged. “When do you need to report back to Aya?”  

“I can ask for more time from Evfra or the Chief I’m sure.”

Ryder hummed. “Kadara.” 

She could feel the frown creasing his forehead without looking at him. “Hear me out,” she said forestalling his objections. “Look the press got an eyeful of me in the Heskaarl uniform. They have vids, they have pictures. They will want more. They know I’m here on the Nexus too, there aren’t many places I can hide from them. We can escape on Kadara.”

His eyes narrowed. 

“And,” she added. “I have business to attend to.”

* * *

Seven days were all the time she had with Jaal. There was no way he was going to get more time off. She intended to make full use of it. The moment the heat hit her face as she disembarked, she smiled. Ryder was home. At the same time, a snort of disgust came from Jaal. His mouth lifted in a sneer. “Come on,” she said, smacking his chest. “It’s not that bad.”

“It is,” Jaal said. “You have no idea…”

“Come on,” she said, as she dragged him towards the markets. 

It was mid-day, the sun had chased many indoors so it was mostly empty. “What are we doing here? I’m tired and filthy. I just want to get indoors,” he groaned. “It’s too hot.”

Ryder snorted and went to Huskor’s shop. “Hey!” Huskor called out. “Rider!”

She waved at the angara. “Where have you been?” Huskor asked. “It’s been almost a year since I last saw you.”

Ryder rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “I was ah… well let’s just say I was away.”

“Are you back for good?”

“No, I’m just back to pack up my life here.”

“I’ll miss you, Rider,” Huskor said. “You’re one of the good ones.”

“Thanks, Huskor. Now do I get a discount since I’m one of the good ones?”

Ryder made Jaal pick out easy to cook ingredients. They turned up at Wrench’s place with arms laden. “Why do we need so much food?” Jaal asked as he placed his burdens on the floor. 

“No, no,” Ryder said, “Don’t put them there. Load them onto the cart.”

Jaal frowned, looking around for one. 

“Over there.” Ryder pointed at a giant lump covered by a tarp, near Wrench’s work bench. 

With a quick jerk, Jaal dragged the tarp off, sending sand and dust everywhere. His eyes widened. “What is this?” he whispered as though he was standing on hallowed ground. 

Ryder poked her head out of the bunker and cocked her head. “That’s my bike,” she said. 

If it was possible, Jaal’s eyes grew wider. “Can we take this out later?”

Ryder laughed. “Not today, it’s too late to head out.”

Jaal sighed as he loaded the cart. Kiba came around sniffing at the food. “Come on, don’t look so disappointed,” she said. “We will do that tomorrow morning.”

That got Jaal to brighten immediately. Ryder exited the bunker with two bags. She handed one to Jaal. “I have a towel in there for you, just put a fresh set of clothes in. We’re going to the baths.”

* * *

60 glorious minutes, scrubbing her body, turning her skin all smooth. Then, a long hot soak in the baths eased the tension just from being on the Nexus and speaking to the Leadership. Ryder stepped out refreshed and revitalised. If she could, she would to get one fitted in the Tempest. _I’m sure everyone would love it._

Ryder tapped her foot as she waited for Jaal outside. Glancing at her omni-tool, she realised he was late. They had agreed to meet out at the entrance in an hour. She sighed, wondering if she could just head in to check in on Jaal. _Hopefully he didn’t leave earlier because he didn’t enjoy himself._

Before Ryder had to make a decision, Jaal walked out. Ryder frowned as she peered at Jaal. His usually purplish skin had taken on a redder hue. “How long were you soaking in the bath?” she asked. 

Jaal hummed, his eyes closed blissfully. He almost floated towards her. “Oh fuck, how long Jaal?” she insisted as she pulled his arm over her shoulders. 

“I don’t know. I was sitting in the water after I scrubbed like you told me to.”

Ryder rolled her eyes as she gently guided Jaal along, heading back towards Wrench’s. Jaal staggered along. “Damn it, Jaal. You weren’t supposed to be sitting in the hot baths for an hour straight!”

“I feel fine, Ryder,” he protested, trying to pull his arm back. 

Ryder groaned and pulled him along, making sure he didn’t crash into anything along the way. 

* * *

“Hover bike?” Jaal asked hopefully after they shared a breakfast with Dex. 

Dex had left for work while Wrench hadn’t returned home. Ryder wondered what could Wrench possibly be doing. Still, Wrench was a grown woman and had no need for Ryder to mother her. The excited angara on the other hand…

“Yes, but you’re not steering. Not here,” she said wagging a finger at him. 

“Why?” he protested, his eyes only on the well polished bike of hers. 

It’s clear that Wrench had been taking care of her baby all these months. Returning to the Tempest meant no more joy rides whenever she wanted. It was a hard thing to give up, but it’s not like they wouldn’t be coming to Kadara anymore. 

“Let me take it out into the Badlands before you get a turn,” Ryder said. 

Jaal nodded begrudgingly. “Kiba,” she called. The husky immediately bounded towards her and hoped onto the cart. She found a space amidst the supplies. Ryder swung her leg over the bike, her hands gripping on the handle bar. The bike’s suspension sank a little as Jaal found his own seat. His hands found grips along the frame of the bike. “Ready?” she asked. 

Jaal nodded and off they went into the badlands, wind against their faces as the landscape whipped past them. 15 minutes out into the badlands, they switched over. After a quick lesson on the controls, Jaal took over. He laughed like a boy in a candy store as he twisted the throttle. Kiba barked and they took off with Ryder’s arms wrapped around Jaal’s waist. 

By the time they got to the villa it was time for dinner. Ryder set up a portable stove out on the roof as Jaal carried their supplies up. A couple of ingredients were dropped in a boiling pot on one side while the other had some mystery meat grilling. Jaal sniffed the air as he came up after getting the other supplies into the room below. “Smells good!” he said. 

Kiba trotted up and pushed past Jaal. Ryder had to pushed the husky away to stop her from stealing the meat from the hot grill. 

Music danced softly in the wind. As the red purple haze of twilight spread across the sky, the meat sizzled and cooked. As the sun set, and the light faded, they ate and chatted. 

_Most kind of stories  
Save the best part for last _

Lyrics drifted in the warm breeze as the easy strumming of strings filled the spaces between conversation. Kiba’s ear flicked occasionally at nothing in particular. 

_Most stories have a hero who finds  
You make your past your past _

Once food was in tummies and the dishes all cleaned and cleared, Ryder and Jaal lay down on the roof. Their eyes turned skyward, gazing at the infinite possibilities before them.  


_Ya you make your past your past_

“Jaal,” Ryder said. “I’ve missed you.”

Jaal’s brilliant blue eyes were shining under the starlight. A mischievous glint lighting them up. “How much?” he asked, “how much did you miss me?”

Ryder chuckled, her hands cupping Jaal’s face as she slid up over his chest, firmly straddling him. “This,” she said as she pressed her lips against him. “Much.”

**Lyrics taken from[Brand New Day - Joshua Radin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYqRfQ5G4as)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comment
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
>   * [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


	77. Welcome Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ryder emerged into the open space, she called out. “Tann.”
> 
> The salarian flinched as he swung his head towards her voice. Ryder neared, one step, two steps. He backed away from her, eventually butting into his desk. Tann squeaked when a datapad clattered to the floor. 
> 
> “Ryder, what are you doing here?” he asked, the same self-righteous indignation flaring like a cornered animal. “Isn’t this punishment enough? Exile on Kadara, working for Kelly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. This is the ending of the Cetus Arc. The next chapter is an epilogue of sorts. I’m posting that tomorrow. This story is a long time in the making. I’ve checked. I posted the first chapter last September. And here we are at the end. It’s felt like a lifetime ago. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who have commented, everyone who reblogged my fic on Tumblr, everyone who had given kudos and everyone who has read this fic. I couldn’t do this without anyone of you. You are all precious to me and have contributed to the fic by supporting me. I can’t find enough words to thank you. 
> 
> Special thanks to [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) for being the story beta. And [@Terriblush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terriblush/pseuds/terriblush) for proofreading this chapter and the past few chapters. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI)

Time zipped by quickly, and by the time either of them raised their head up from the tiny bubble they had created, it was the seventh day. The sun was peeking up and its rays streaming into the room. Ryder looked at the lump still huddled inside the pile of sleeping bags. She smiled. 

With bare feet, she padded to pick up her discarded undergarments and pulled them on. Kiba sat up and thumped her tail hopefully at her. “Later,” she whispered. “We’ll have breakfast back at the port.”

The last time she left, it was in a rush. She was barely functioning half the time. This time, she would put her affairs right. She took the steps two at a time to the roof. The day was still young. She ran through her morning exercises while the air was still cool. 

Jaal woke up and stretched. His body shuddering as he felt the pull in his limbs and back. The sleeping bag was so warm he had no wish to get up. His hands reached out, patting on either side of him. 

_Nothing._

Jaal sat up and looked. Ryder wasn’t there. A satisfied smile dragged his mouth upwards as he remembered the night they had. He got dressed and mounted the steps towards the roof. 

There she was. Music was playing from her omni-tool. 

_I'm proud of who I am  
No more monsters, I can breathe again_

Her body was lithe and strong, lean and powerful. Jaal leaned against one of the crates there and watched. 

_And you said that I was done  
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come_

Ryder went through her forms, flowing from one to another seamlessly, effortlessly. He had watched her run through her biotics workout so many times back on Voeld. It always amazed him the power that was packed in such a small package. 

_'Cause I can make it on my own, oh_

As she finished, Ryder went into her stretches. Her body bent and flexed like rubber, malleable and supple. She folded herself in two at the waist. As she straightened, she turned and looked at him. “Enjoying the view?” she asked. 

Jaal grinned. “Always.”

* * *

The villa was mostly cleaned up. The sleeping bags packed, litter all swept up and ready to be taken back to the port. Once that was done, Ryder stepped through the threshold. She tapped on her omni-tool, locking the villa. 

“Come on let’s go back to the port.”

Once back, Kiba bounded off the cart the moment the bike came to a stop. The husky hurried over to the water bowl and lapped up the water. As Jaal cooled down, she cleaned out the bunker. Wrench was still not back from whatever she was busy with. 

Ryder hummed to herself, curious about Wrench’s newfound activities outside her usual puttering around the workshop. _I know it’s nothing new, I remember her being busy while I was here after Meridian._ Before she could voice her thoughts, the door swished open. Wrench stepped in. 

“I see you’ve been busy huh?” she said. 

Wrench shrugged and grabbed a ration bar. “Ryder,” she called, throwing the bar over. 

Ryder barely had time to react as the bar smacked into her chest. She caught it and opened it reflexively. Sitting down next to Jaal, she offered him a bite. The angara grimaced at the look of of the ration bar. She laughed as she gestured for Wrench to sit down. "Anyway I've cleaned out the bunker and transferred some credits to you. It should be able to cover whatever I still owed you. And I've also sent you the code to access the villa," Ryder said, "I don't expect to be using it often."

The salarian sank down opposite Ryder, shedding her armour. She nodded. "So back to the Tempest, huh?" Wrench asked. "No more scavenging for you?"

Ryder laughed. "It has never been my career of choice," she confessed. Curiously, she pointed at Wrench's armour. "What’s up with the getup?" It wasn’t common for the salarian to be dressed in full armour.

Wrench looked at her. Ryder could see the gears working behind her large eyes. “Sorry,” Ryder quickly said. “I was just curious. I don’t mean to pry. I don’t need to be around to know that things have changed.”

Kiba, having had her fill of the water, wormed her way between Jaal and Ryder on the sofa. Wrench smiled a little as the pair shifted to make way for the husky. “It’s not particularly a secret,” Wrench said, unwrapping a ration bar of her own.

Ryder stilled and listened. 

“I’m freelancing for Kandros.”

Whatever Ryder was predicting, she wasn’t expecting that. Her mind churned. _What the fuck is there to do on Kadara that Kandros can’t send an APEX team in for?_ Then it clicked. 

“You’re watching Tann,” Ryder stated flatly, her jaw couldn’t help but tightened. 

A warm hand took hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She turned to Jaal, forcing a smile on her face. “I’m…” The lie died on her lips. “I’ll be fine,” she amended. 

Jaal nodded even as he sent calming waves of bio-electricity up her arm. Wrench nodded, confirming her suspicions. “Among others,” she said. 

“Who else?” Ryder frowned. 

“Vasia Abercus.”

“Who?” Her frown deepening as she racked her brain. That name wasn’t particularly ringing any bells. 

“It’s one of the scientists you rescued off the Perseus space station,” Jaal reminded. 

 _Ahh, that’s why it’s not ringing any bells._ She winced at the remembered pain. “Just these two?” she pressed.

Wrench shook her head. “These two are the harmless ones. Just keeping an eye on them isn’t the main mission. Smith is the big fish here.”

Ryder froze. She hadn’t forget that name. _Fucking Needles._

An overwhelming need to move engulfed her as her heart slammed against her chest. Her hands and feet were freezing despite the heat of Kadara. Ryder wrapped her arms around herself as she started shaking. 

“Fuck,” she gasped, recognising the signs. 

Kiba pushed her head under her other arm, licking any exposed skin she could get to. Jaal rubbed her back. “In, out,” he said, low and calm. 

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to breathe slowly in time to Jaal’s voice. One hand on Kiba’s neck, the other tangled with Jaal’s. Bit by painstaking bit, she wrestled herself back to normalcy. 

When Ryder opened her eyes again, she found Wrench looking at her apologetically. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I just… I didn’t think…”

She shook her head. “It’s fine, you didn’t know, _I_ didn’t know,” Ryder said, leaning back against the sofa, her energy draining out of her body. “So _she’s_ here.”

Wrench nodded. “How did Kandros put it?” She cocked her head as she tried to remember. “Yes, he said he was on a fishing expedition.”

“And she is the bait.”

Ryder sighed. It made sense. Everything did. She might not like it, but it wasn’t done without thought. “Have you found…” she started but allowed her voice to trail off. “You know what? I don’t want to know. I might have returned to active duty but I’m not Kandros. Hell, I’m not even the Pathfinder.”

Wrench laughed. “Don’t count on that being your reason for long.”

“Anyway, that’s not the important bit,” Ryder said. 

Jaal frowned and looked at her but she pressed on. “I want to talk to Tann,” she said, “privately. Can that be arranged?”

“Why?” Jaal growled, “What could you possibly want with him?

* * *

Tann had been on a short leash for a long time. Kaetus shadowed his every move for a while but eventually Sloane relaxed. 

“Tann works his magic again,” Ryder said, a little amazed and surprised. “I imagine he made a wonderful system complete with profit-and-loss balance sheet and stuff?”

Wrench chuckled. “Something like that.”

Jaal followed the pair, eyes wary and stance ready. Ryder rolled her eyes. There was no talking him out of this. She was at ease on Kadara, more than capable of defending herself. Now more than ever. Even the sights she took him to the past few week weren’t able to rid him of his inherent dislike of Kadara. 

During her time in Kadara, she didn’t need to pay any protection fee since Sloane was able to milk profits from the corporations clamouring to sponsor the hover bike races. Now as she walked through the port, she could see improvements. “Is that a school?” Ryder asked, pointing at the new pre-fab being put up. 

Wrench nodded. “I think that’s also Tann’s handiwork.”

Ryder glanced at Jaal. He had stopped to take in the changes around the port. It wasn’t all bad. She huffed. It was a sound half way to satisfaction and amusement. 

_Maybe it will all work out after all. Maybe I didn’t choose wrong._  


“So where is he?” Ryder asked. 

“Follow me.”

Wrench led them towards the Outcasts HQ but instead of heading inside, there was another door next to it. “He is inside. Usually he isn’t alone but I think you can get the others out without any problems,” she said. 

“Thank you.” 

Ryder stared at the door for a bit. Apprehension pooled in her chest. _Why the fuck am I doing this?_ Jaal stepped up to her side. “Do you want me to go with you?” he asked, his hand on her shoulder. 

She shook her head. “This is something I need to do myself.”

She felt more than saw Jaal’s nod as he moved away. Her surroundings ceased to matter as she pressed her palm on the green holo-lock. Her boots clanked as she strode in. There were a bunch of other humans and turians moving crates and making a tally of the inventory. A bulky turian shifted to block her way. "Who-" 

That was all he got out. Ryder glared at him. A human male jerked at the turian’s arm. “That’s Ryder,” he hissed. 

“Get out,” she growled, a little afraid of how easy it was to shift back to her Kadara persona. “I’ve no business with you.”

The turian shrank back as the human nodded and whispered to the others. As they filed out, the turian lingered. Ryder's eyes flashed at him, and he hurried to catch up with the others. She walked deeper into the warehouse. The crates obscured her vision but she could hear someone muttering. 

“Hey,” a voice rang out. “Where did everyone go?”

It was Tann. Ryder gathered herself before stepping past the wall of crates. There was a wider area beyond. A desk dominated the space. Tann was looking frantically around, not noticing her yet. “Kaetus, is that you?” he called out, his voice pitched a little higher than normal. “Tell Kelly I’ll have her report ready soon. I just need a little more time.”

As Ryder emerged into the open space, she called out. “Tann.”

The salarian flinched as he swung his head towards her voice. Ryder neared, one step, two steps. He backed away from her, eventually butting into his desk. Tann squeaked when a datapad clattered to the floor. 

“Ryder, what are you doing here?” he asked, the same self-righteous indignation flaring like a cornered animal. “Isn’t this punishment enough? Exile on Kadara, working for Kelly.”

Ryder froze. Even though she could hear the anger in his voice, she could almost taste the fear in the air. She grimaced as her jaw tightened. 

“I’m… I’m really sorry,” he blathered, his eyes on her prosthesis. “I… I didn’t mean for all this to happen.”

Ryder scratched the back of her neck. This wasn’t going how she wanted. “Tann,” she barked, tired of his platitudes, knowing he was just saying things he thought she wanted to hear. “Shut up, just shut up for a minute.”

She pushed her sleeves higher up her arms. The warehouse was stifling hot. “I’m not here for revenge. I hope I am above that.”

Tann gulped. Ryder sighed. “Just sit down,” she said, waving with her hand. 

The ex-director of the Initiative sat straight down on the floor. "That’s-" Ryder swallowed the rest of her words. He could sit wherever he wanted. It didn’t matter. 

“Ok, listen,” she said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I am being reinstated to the Pathfinder team.”

Tann’s already large black eyes grew wider. “What you said back during your trial, I remembered that. I am giving you my word,” she said, her eyes hard and determined, “I won’t rest till every Nexus species has a golden world of their own.”

He rose to his feet, his steps shaky as he walked towards Ryder. She kept still, unsure what he intended. “Is that a promise?” Tann gasped, his hands reaching towards her arm. 

Ryder could feel him trembling. His eyes looked at her half hopeful, half incredulous. She squared her shoulders. 

“Yes.”

Ryder stiffened as Tann wrapped his arms around her in a hug. Her arms were limp at her sides. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you so much.”

* * *

Jaal had to report to Aya, so she returned to the Nexus with Kiba. It was odd to not have him near after months of training, eating, and sleeping in proximity to each other. The week spent together had only reaffirmed that this was what she wanted. 15 months was a long time till he could join her on the Tempest, but they would find a way to make it work. 

“Give them hell,” Ryder said. 

Jaal cocked his head. “Another human idiom?”

“Yes,” she grinned as she pressed her lips gently on his check. 

“That’s no way to bid me farewell,” Jaal growled into her ear. 

She chuckled, turning her lips towards his mouth. Lips and tongues intertwined as they deepened the kiss. “I’ll miss you, Jaal,” she sighed. 

“And I, you,” he confessed. “Taoshay.”

The word sent shivers down her spine. It took a while but Ryder eventually loosened her grip on Jaal to allow him to board his shuttle. She had a shuttle of her own to catch. Dex was the only one at the docks. Wrench was busy with whatever Kandros had hired her for. 

As they walked towards her shuttle, Dex looked glum. “Come on, Dex,” she coaxed. “Don’t be like that.”

The young turian could barely muster a mandible flutter for her. “Who is going to train me now that you’re too important for me?”

Ryder stopped and pulled Dex to face her. He was already taller than her and still set to grow more. “You will always be important to me. And I will never be too important for you.” 

Dex sighed, his mandibles slack. 

“And I’ve put in a request to get you to the Nexus. I think you should continue your training and get your ass to school if that’s what you want,” she went on.

His talons gripped her arms as his eyes widened. “Hey, hey,” Ryder said, attempting to put a lid on his inevitable enthusiasm. “It’s not approved, not yet. You might have bunk in with others. You won’t have the autonomy you have here. You will have to keep your grades up…”

The grin Dex gave her made her heart warm. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" he whooped, grabbing Kiba. "I am going to school! I’m getting trained!”

Ryder laughed as Kiba struggled out of Dex's arms. “You hang tight here but I am doing what I can to get you out of here. Hopefully it can be extended to everyone who was exiled. But well, it is something I have to work on,” she said. 

Dex wrapped his arms around her, hooking his chin over her shoulders. His mandibles fluttered and brushed against her face. 

“Thank you.”

* * *

“Are you ready?” Harry asked. 

Ryder nodded, but the monitor betrayed her with a loud beep as her heart rate quickened. She already had a panic attack the day before just thinking about the procedure. “Couldn’t you have just drugged me last night and get it done while I was sleeping?” she whined. 

Harry laughed, his hand shifting her head to look at the scar and the tattoo. Her head was shaved again. This time, she made the request to get the hair on the right side off as well, leaving only the top. 

“I’ll do my best to keep your tattoo intact,” he said. 

Ryder nodded, forcing her breathing to slow down as Harry pressed the mask over her nose and mouth. She closed her eyes and sank into darkness. 

* * *

The return to the Nexus kicked off a flurry of activity. The rest of the crew were still on shore leave, but all of them hung out around the Nexus. Kallo kept close to the Tempest to make sure all maintenance work went smoothly. Vetra spent her time with Sid while Peebee and Suvi were closeted all day with the Nexus Science team. Drack was harassing Kesh all day. Liam and Gil were regulars at Vortex. Lexi and Harry were already conferring over Ryder’s impending procedure. 

When Ryder arrived, Cora was waiting. “Where’s Scott?” Ryder asked. 

“Making sure the others didn’t get into trouble while on shore leave,” she said. “I can’t wait to stop dealing with all this.”

Ryder laughed, but Cora could tell it was mostly false cheer. They took the tram to Operations. Ryder was silent for most of the ride. Cora sighed. 

_She is doing it again._

She had made her feelings regarding the matter clear. The Pathfinder’s mandate belonged to Ryder, and it was only right that she returned as a Pathfinder, but she was still hesitating. Cora didn’t doubt the entire Cetus incident still haunted the younger woman. It would be impossible to separate that from the decisions Ryder made before. It was impossible to say there wasn’t a direct line between her decision and the formation of Perseus. But Ryder acted the best she could under the circumstances. Why couldn’t she see that?

“Ryder.” Cora narrowed her eyes at her. She finally couldn’t stand it any more. “You’re doing that thing again.”

“Over thinking?” Ryder asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

Ryder rubbed her forehead. “Well this warrants some kind of thinking, don’t you think?”

“No,” Cora said, her hands on her hip, her patience wearing thin. “What thinking is required? You’re taking over as Pathfinder, unless you don’t want to _be_ Pathfinder.”

Ryder pursed her lips and walked off the tram. Cora followed closely behind. Ryder couldn’t walk into the meeting unsure. Cora didn’t want to force the position on her but this waffling was worse than deciding not to reclaim the mandate. She grabbed Ryder by her shoulders. “Are you refusing the mandate?” she demanded. 

“Not exactly, but-”

“Not exactly isn’t no,” Cora interjected, shaking Ryder’s shoulders. “It’s not a hard question, Ryder. Yes or no. There is no half-assing this.”

Ryder jerked her head up and stared at Cora. She couldn’t help but flinch at the intensity she found there. Ryder’s brown eyes were rock hard and angry. 

“Do you think I don’t know?” Ryder spat. 

She pulled away from Cora and turned her face away. Taking deliberate deep breaths to get her temper back under control again, Ryder huffed and ran her hand over her face. She turned back to face Cora. “I know this isn’t something to be taken lightly,” she repeated, gesturing with her prosthesis. 

Cora nodded, understanding how much the question had hurt Ryder. “Ryder, I…”

Ryder waved her apology away. “I don’t want to take the mandate back and have things be back to status quo. It didn’t work before, I can’t see how it can work again now. And you did an excellent job who is to say you are not better suited for the job? This mandate should go to the person who can do the best job. It’s not some fucking hereditary position. I’m not some princess taking over from the fallen king.”

Cora waited. It was clear Ryder was far from done. What she had mistook for nerves was something more. Ryder had clearly put a lot of thought into this, she wasn’t the untried leader that she was when she was first made Pathfinder. Ryder was now the hardened, experienced symbol of hope for so many. 

“But I’ve made a promise.”

Cora stared at Ryder. “A promise?” she echoed. 

She nodded, her eyes softened. “I spoke to Tann back on Kadara.”

“And?” Cora prompted, curious. 

“I promised him that I will do my best to find the salarians a golden world. And by extension I will find every species a golden world.”

A laugh erupted unbidden from Cora’s lips. Ryder frowned. “What?”

“That’s a tall order, Ryder,” Cora said, “A golden world for everyone? This is precisely why you should be Pathfinder. You have the passion, the drive and the vision for this. I might be doing well now, but I don’t have the imagination you have to look at things differently.”

“Maybe so,” Ryder said, chuckling. 

“So what will it be, Ryder?”

* * *

Voices muffled and far away floated over into her ears. Ryder groaned a little. There was no pain, but everything was foggy and heavy. She felt like she had been mummified as she fought through layers and layers of constricting fabric. 

“Get Lexi and Harry,” someone hissed. “She’s waking up.” 

Ryder remembered. _A procedure. An implant._ A wave of fear slammed into her, she struggled harder. Her first instinct was to move her hands, surprisingly they were free. 

“Sara,” the voice said again, “I’m here, You’re safe.”

A pair of warm hands gripped hers. She relaxed. Her mouth opened and she was glad to able to swallow, but her throat was too dry. “Water,” she croaked as she tried to open her eyes.

 _Oh fuck, so fucking bright..._  

She heard the door hiss open, but she kept her eyes closed. Someone pressed ice chips into her mouth and she accepted them gratefully. 

“Ryder,” Lexi said, “Can you hear me?”

She nodded, sucking on ice chips happily. 

“Sorry about this,” Lexi said. 

Then the sun shone into her eyes. “Fuck,” Ryder winced, squeezing her eyes shut after Lexi flashed her light into both her eyes. “Why did you have to do that?”

“Everything looks good,” Lexi declared. 

Ryder groaned and opened her eyes finally. Scott was sitting next to her while the others fanned out surrounding her bed. “Hey,” she greeted sheepishly. “All good?” 

Before anyone could reply the door slid open again. This time it was Harry. The doctor smiled as he saw that Ryder was awake. “How are you feeling?” he asked, expert eyes glancing at the monitors behind Ryder. 

“Fine,” she said, “just a little groggy.”

“That’s the anaesthetic,” Harry replied, “it should be clear from your body by tomorrow. Everything looks good. If the situation remains unchanged you’re clear to recover on the Tempest. But no active duty for two weeks. Lexi knows.”

Lexi nodded. 

“One more test before we leave you alone,” Harry said. 

Harry tapped on his omni-tool. It was like an ice pick slammed into the side of her head. Ryder gasped. 

“Sara!” Scott cried. "Harry, wha-"

“It’s normal, I’m just activating her Pathfinder implant,” he assured.

“Some warning would be nice, doc,” Drack growled. 

“I second that,” Ryder groaned, gingerly pressing her prosthesis against bandages. 

“SAM?” Harry called. 

Then a familiar voice spoke in her head. 

“Welcome back, Pathfinder.”

 **Lyrics taken from[Praying by Kesha](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Dur3uXXCQ)**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites:
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	78. Vault Alpha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [@Naeviss](http://naeviss.tumblr.com) and [@Terriblush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terriblush/pseuds/terriblush) for all their hardwork and help! Cetus would be been a shittier fic without the both of you. 
> 
> [Art for The Cetus Arc](https://natsoraloves.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [Music Used in The Cetus Arc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJZDHW6txk4&list=PL87B3T7gW0U9CiQ7ZoUg0OWUhGlMJaizI)

Jaal was antsy. He paced the shuttle. Nafav glared at him, his eyes tracking Jaal’s movements. “Ancestors, Jaal! Can you just sit down?” he growled. “We’re here providing escort to the scientists. It’s not a hot zone on the other end.”

“I know,” Jaal said, finally sitting down.

Falehe laughed. “You didn’t know, Nafav?” she asked, “Jaal must have pulled some strings with the Chief or Andraknor. There is no way these scientists required an escort to Merdian of all places.”

Nafav looked at him. Jaal sighed. “Fine, yes! I did pull strings.”

Falehe laughed. “I knew it. You’re angling to see Ryder!”

Jaal buried his face into his hands. "Is that so bad?"

It’d been weeks since her procedure. Scott said everything went well but Jaal wanted so much to be there for her. He’d had to be contented with sending her mail every day. This time though she replied to every single one, even if it was a short message of missing him. 

“Jaal,” Nafav called. “Why are you smiling? Are you thinking of the nasty things you’re going to do to your taoshay?”

Falehe’s peals of laughter chased Jaal as he escaped. 

* * *

_Vault Alpha._

Ryder sighed. That was the catch for reinstating her. At least that’s what Ryder guessed the Moshae's plan was. T’vera and Addison, she wasn’t so sure. Still, she agreed the vault needed opening. Especially if there was an unknown signal being sent from within to who knew where. The circumstances were intriguing for sure. 

Ryder stepped off the ramp onto the grassy plains of Merdian. She still couldn’t understand how a whole world was sealed away within this Remnant built shelter. 

_Maybe there are more like Meridian? Maybe we’ll find a vault that allows us to tweak the climate control. Then, voilà, instant golden planet._

"Ryder," SAM said in their private channel. 

"Yes?" Ryder replied, looking up at the vast grass field she was standing on. 

A warm breeze ran through her hair and caressed her scalp. It was technically her first day back on the job. It felt nice to be working again, with a purpose, a mission. Though she was sure there would be days she might regret coming back, this was where she was meant to be. 

"Liam requested you speak to him when you're back on the Tempest," SAM reported. 

"What's it regarding?"

"It's regarding the OSD retrieved on Ryder-01."

Ryder blinked, racking her brain. _OSD?_  

“Taoshay!” 

Ryder jerked her head in the direction of the voice. A grin stretched her lips. All thoughts of the OSD were forgotten. “Jaal!”

Her footsteps quickened. Ryder maintained a show of professionalism, but how she wished she could just run into his arms. Jaal wrapped his arms around her as she stood on her tip-toes to sneak a quick kiss in. He laughed. 

“It’s good to see you, Jaal,” Cora said as she caught up, shaking his hand. 

Ryder pushed away from Jaal’s embrace reluctantly. Her face lit up as she saw her fellow Heskaarl graduates walking over. 

“Ryder!” Falehe greeted, also engulfing her in a hug. 

“Falehe, Nafav, it’s good to see you!”

Ryder turned to Cora and Peebee, who were going with her to the vault. She made some quick introductions and finally asked, “So, where is this vault that needs cracking?”

Peebee and Cora took the lead since they knew the way. Falehe and Nafav guided the angara scientists while Jaal and Ryder took the rear. It afforded them a small semblance of privacy. 

Jaal eyed her while she snorted. “Like what you see?” she asked, cheekily. 

“Always,” he replied easily. His eyes scanned the scar along the side of her head. His hand brushed against her scalp lightly. “Does it hurt?”

Ryder leaned into his hand, savouring the contact for a moment. “No, it’s all healed up. Nothing they can do about the scar,” she said. “You don’t mind?”

“No. It’s a part of you,” he replied, his finger brushing over the tattoo where his initials were. 

Then he pointed at the Heskaarl insignia on her chest next to the Initiative logo on her armour. “How did you managed to get them to agree to that on your armour?”

“Well,” Ryder drawled. “I insisted.”

Jaal blinked. “That’s all?”

“Apparently.”

“And that’s all you insisted on?” Jaal asked raising an eyebrow at her. 

“Well,” Ryder laughed, “among other things.”

Jaal roared with laughter. “Tell me!”

* * *

"So Dex is cleared to enter the Nexus and I've set him up with a brand new school. There still aren't many kids or teenagers running around since most of them are still in cryo, but we're slowly bringing them out," Ryder said, her hands waving animatedly. "Kesh promised to look out for him."

Jaal nodded along, his attention half on what she was saying but mostly on the joy that shone from her eyes. Before Ryder could catch him up on everything, Vault Alpha loomed into view. Black, blue and angular. It was an anomaly on the grassy field, a blemish on the landscape. The soft grass gradually transitioned to the black mechanical material of the Remnant. 

Ryder’s eyes widened. 

It was an impressive structure, and it remained free from the encroachments of nature. It was a wonder they didn’t find the vault earlier. There was a pair of Nexus scientists stationed there monitoring the signal at all times. Their angara counterparts, along with Peebee, made a beeline towards them to confer. 

Eventually one of the scientist waved Ryder over. “We have to attach some leads to you to monitor your brain waves,” he said. 

Ryder frowned. “Why?” she asked. “I’m the glorified doorman if I can open it at all.”

“We found an increase in brain activity in the Pathfinders when activating the vault’s doors,” the scientist explained. “So we want to see if yours will behave the same way. Even if you can’t open the doors, this will be a valuable data point.”

“You do know that SAM is monitoring my vitals all the time right?” Ryder pointed out. 

“Yes but this will be…”

Ryder sighed, there was no point trying to talk her way out of this. It was easier for everyone if she just agreed. If they wanted the data, what harm could it do? Still her heart quickened as she agreed. “Fine.”

After Peebee stuck a couple of leads to her temples, she was ready. Cora saw her rolling her eyes and laughed. “The console is over there,” she said pointing at the familiar black and blue pedestal.

“Show time, SAM,” she muttered under her breath. 

“I’m ready, Ryder,” SAM spoke in her mind. 

Ryder stepped up onto the pedestal. The familiar console stood before her. It’s simple really, just press her palm against the console and SAM would do his magic. 

“SAM, why didn’t it work for any of the others?” she asked, stalling for time. 

“I’m not sure, but this console, and by extension this vault, is different from the others,” SAM said. 

Ryder nodded, turning to look at the others for a moment. Jaal gave her a slight nod. She smiled and turned to the scientists. One gave her a thumbs up. There was no reason to delay any longer. Her attention firmly back on the console, Ryder pressed her prosthesis against it.

It was strange. Normally, there was a tingling at the left side of her head where her implant was, like a mild itch which she couldn't get at. The only times there were any kind adverse effects was when she activated Remnant tech without SAM. Ryder remembered those times very clearly, but it was different this time. The familiar tingling started as haptic feedback on her stump, it travelled up her arm to her chest, up her neck and right into her head. It wasn’t the brain twisting pain from before, but it wasn’t a pain free experience either. 

A dull ache throbbed along the left side of her head. For a moment, Ryder wondered if it was a sudden onset of a headache. Then a lance of pain bisected her brain. Ryder winced as her grip tightened on the console. As quickly as the pain came, it went away. It left her reeling in its wake, wondering if she had imagined it all.

“What the fuck, SAM.”

Before SAM could answer, there was a sharp grinding sound of metal against metal. Ryder clapped her hands over her ears. 

“Goddess!” Peebee exclaimed. 

Ryder looked up to find the vault opening. “Fuck me, it worked,” Cora gasped.

The doors screeched. A gust of cold air hit her face. There was still lingering pain, but it was turning into a more manageable headache. The scientists were all rushing towards the opened vault while Nafav and Falehe were urging caution. 

Ryder walked back towards Peebee, who retrieved the leads from her temples. The asari frowned as she looked at Ryder. “Are you ok?”

Ryder grunted. “Just a headache.”

Peebee hummed and excitedly went to join the scientists. There was one who hung back looking at the monitor which displayed Ryder’s brainwaves. She didn't want to know what it showed. It was all beyond her understanding, anyway. She needed some fresh air. 

The unidentifiable light and heat source inside Meridian beat down on her face and it helped. Jaal approached her, placing a hand on small of her back. Concern was furrowing his brow. Ryder squeezed his hand in return. His warm fingers pressed against her temples, massaging it for a minute. She closed her eyes and sighed. 

“Thank you,” Ryder whispered.

Jaal smiled and gave her a peck on her check before returning to his duties. Ryder watched he go. Once he was safely out of ear shot, she demanded, “SAM, what the fuck happened? This wasn’t how it usually goes.”

SAM was silent. Ryder frowned as a familiar fear seized her. “SAM?”

“I’m sorry Ryder,” SAM replied instantly this time. “I was merely processing the data I’ve got from the activation. You experienced pain because the pain barrier that I usually set up had been bypassed.”

“What do you mean bypassed?”

“I mean this console didn’t interface with the Pathfinder implant but directly with your brain,” SAM explained. 

“What the fuck does that mean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s the end of Cetus. But this isn’t the end of Ryder’s story. Like I’ve mentioned, I’ve started work on the prequel for Ryder’s story. It will be set after the events of [Chasing the Daylight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580963) and before leaving for Andromeda. I can’t promise any timeline on that quite yet because I am trying to bank more chapters before releasing them, hopefully weekly. 
> 
> That said, next Saturday will be the Dragon Age Inquisition one shot. If you like angst, hurt/comfort, this will be your thing. The week after that will be the sequel to [The Persistence of Memory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858066), it’s a one shot I’ve written for Naeviss’ OCs. 
> 
> If you’re interested in more Ryder stories, you might want to subscribe to the [Trials of Ryder series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/792867). If you’re interested in the others, the best bet is to subscribe to me as a user. 
> 
> You can reach out to me on [Tumblr](https://natsora.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> And I’m sorry that this chapter is a horrible teaser for the sequel which I’m not writing yet. Once again, thank you everyone for your support. I hope you have enjoyed the Cetus Arc.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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